deanloveshiscaspie

[deanloveshiscaspie]

[deanloveshiscaspie]

idk what this is

#bbc merlin #bbc merthur

[deanloveshiscaspie]

rewatching yoi so i re drew that one scene ..

#yuri on ice #victuuri

[deanloveshiscaspie]

Not people saying “Fandom has always been like this” in that vent post I made. No. It hasn’t always been like this. Fandom has NEVER been like this until recently and if you were in fandom pre-tumblr purge, pre-twitter, pre-netflix boom, pre-tiktok….then you would fucking know it was nothing like this.

We still had the drive to create. We still sold prints and charms and made zines…but it was never like this.

The introduction of streaming, binge shows that drop all at once, tiktok and vine RIP i still love u vine but you were the beginning of a particularly ugly era) creating this bite sized, quick paced ‘content’ era of creation and it bled out into fucking everything else.

Fandoms didn’t die down when the show ended or the season was over. You didn’t mass unfollow artist, writers or moots just because they changed fandoms. There wasn’t this need to please the algorithm in order for your posts to get seen by people and enjoyed.

Fandoms used to last YEARS. Star Trek is literally the oldest running fandom out there and you got people in there that could care less about the new stuff and still have been happily prancing through their fucking fifty year old fandom today. Hell, even SPN after all it’s fuckups and shitshows has a dedicated fanbase STILL creating tons of art and fic.

There is no patience anymore. No calm feeling of taking in fandom and friends at a pace that which doesn’t make you stressed and is still fun.

Do I blame fandom for this? Of course not, but people are complacent with it and start changing their vocab to accommodate and end up making the situation so deep it cant be fixed.

We call Art & Fic Content now, completely stripping the value of what it is to a level of consumerism instead of personal entertainment & community bonding.

#fandom #I honestly didn’t know this #fics are fics #fanart is fanart #content is for influencers #whatever the hell that means #fandom is sacred and long lasting #there’s a reason I’ve literally had to talk to my therapist about my grief over SPN and Destiel

[deanloveshiscaspie]

#gojo satoru #jujutsu kaisen #suguru geto #jjk

[deanloveshiscaspie]

2.20 What Is And What Should Never Be

Sam sees hunting as worth it (even though it isn’t all sunshine and rainbows) and furthermore, he’s glad that he has a relationship with Dean—that he doesn’t live in a world where he and Dean don’t speak to each other. Sam loves his brother if you didn’t know!

#what is and what should never be #is my favorite episode #because Dean is the most important person to me #and this episode says so much about him #anyone who is angry at dean and sees this and doesn’t feel love and compassion and pity #well they can go fuck themselves #Sam is not my favorite and could never be #but he is a person and he loves dean #Sam wants Dean to live #Sam wants Dean in his life #I’m glad that all the real chances at normal dean had never actually looked like this ducking nightmare

[deanloveshiscaspie]

sure, I can make some memes about gwaine

#bbc merlin #bbc gwaine

[deanloveshiscaspie]

Hey folks, if you want to fight back against the twitterfication of tumblr USE IT LIKE IT'S TUMBLR!!!!!! REBLOG THINGS!!!!!! USE THE TAGS TO SCREAM AT YOUR FRIENDS!!!!!!!

#hey uh sorry SPN peeps #I’m looking and engaging more #but I’m still not ready to reblog #I might get there eventually #but I’m still healing #promise to give you the reblogs you deserve

[deanloveshiscaspie]

This.

#guys tag shit properly #I’m not on here to boost your metrics when I read fics #ao3 is a fucking library #if I go to the library and I specifically ask for a single subject and I get every story with the word even used #I’m gonna fight someone #I didn’t read the rules and I knew about & vs / #christ on a cracker #people acting like this is some exclusionary practice that is a secret for a single clique

[deanloveshiscaspie]

No, I love your response. I love this.

And obviously, toxic masculinity definitely doesn’t clearly cover all of it, not even like 10%. But, I do think that the world Dean grew up in was so heavily steeped in it that it inherently shapes all of his potential coping mechanisms.

John was already pretty well shaping that before Mary died, based on what little we see of Dean’s earliest childhood.

Bobby was so terrified of being his father that he shut down most of his emotions.

Mary came from Samuel’s family which we all know sucked and had really sexist garbage opinions.

Dean’s trauma and Dean’s need to find his own way are undeniable. I don’t think that there is any possible way in the canon universe that a therapist could help Dean. But, Dean as he imagines himself in 2x20, that Dean could have been helped with therapy.

By the end of the show, Dean knows himself so much better and I think he could have healed himself (not that the writers ever would have given him that since they thought the perfect ending was him alone for decades with just his car and the road, until Sammy could be there).

I just see Dean’s self hatred and his depression and his anxiety and I see where it started with his dad and the performative masculinity and I see my relationship with my mother. Even if Mary never died, I don’t think Dean would have escaped the mental health issues he ended up with. The triggers would have been different. The trauma different.

I just also think he never had a person who was going to be there for him to accomplish that. Nobody was ever willing to live for him, live with him. They all kept leaving him, whether they claimed it was for him or some other reason. When he needed reassurance that he was worthy, he never got it.

Now, this is a shitty explanation based on my personal experience, but I hated myself and I thought I deserved to suffer, so even when I wanted to die, I never would have done it. My mother was abusive. My father didn’t stop her. My exes cheated on me, left because they loved someone else, or their mom told them I wasn’t good enough and so they dumped me. My best friend shared personal conversations and I was threatened with police action because her other friend was more important than my venting staying private. By the time I met my now-husband, I couldn’t accept any compliments. Even a throwaway like you’re cute would send me into tears because I was so ugly and worthless. But, unlike everyone who told me I was being ridiculous or I was wrong, he just held me and he persisted in complimenting me.

Years later, after we moved into our first apartment, I had a major depressive episode with literal moments where I blacked out and woke up crying on the floor when I tried to go to work. No matter how mad I got or how I tried to push him away, he stayed. He asked for more info. He learned to give me space when I needed to breathe. He pushed me to talk to my doctor, but never forced me or gave an ultimatum. When I did tell my doctor and got put on meds, he was proud of me and supportive.

Years after that, things were getting to be too much, so he pushed me to look for a therapist. My anxiety was too much, so he looked into it, got some recs, and gave me options. I picked someone, but couldn’t bring myself to contact him and schedule. Instead of forcing me or insulting me, my husband called for me.

But, what made all of it work was that he stayed. He didn’t do the work for me, but he supported me. Even when I felt like I sucked, he didn’t jump ship.

Dean never had that. The person who just complimented him and just held him when he felt it was too much. The person who stayed, when Dean felt the other shoe was going to drop. The person who listened and adapted to his needs, even though they had no personal experience with it. The person who encourages him to find the help he needs on his schedule.

Therapy might not help Dean. Medication might not help Dean. But, I think having a person who is ready to stay and wait out his episodes and ride the waves would make all the difference. I think it would give him the safety and space to figure out how to heal. Just like he never had a physical home and he nested at the bunker, Dean also never had a person who was also his home.

“Loving Dean is a curse that gets other people killed.”

This breaks my heart because this is definitely how Dean sees himself and I hate that for him. I hate that people made him feel that. I hate that the toxic masculinity was so fucking strong that Dean never would’ve bought into therapy. I hate what was done to Dean and how those voices now live inside him and he can’t stop them.

I extra hate it because it was the first time I ever saw a character and saw myself. The difference is that I had someone who loved me enough to push me to do the work and heal. Nobody ever loved Dean enough to live or to actually support him through the work of healing.

Ngl—I don't think toxic masculinity is really Dean's problem? That isn't to say I don't think Dean is a victim of toxic masculinity or that toxic masculinity doesn't affect his life. I just think "Men aren't supposed to feel x" is pretty rarely the reason Dean suppresses something from my perspective.

I actually think when Dean suppresses things (which I think he actually does far less—or at least less effectively—than Sam or Cas) it's usually with quite a lot of awareness about what he is doing (I have a post I need to make about this related to 3.10), and it's because he genuinely cannot afford to fall apart, or feels that he can't afford it. Throughout the whole show, Dean is actively in a war zone or he's repeatedly being thrust back into one and has to be ready to react at any moment. Take season 4—where Dean is freshly returned from arguably the most traumatic experience of his entire life, and is immediately saddled with an apocalypse in which he unwittingly and unwillingly plays a starring role. I haven't had very many experiences I would consider traumatic (and certainly not on Dean's scale), but the one that stands out was not a situation I was mentally capable of healing from while I was still trapped in the situation that was causing me that distress. I had to get out first. 15.19 does set Dean up to escape the war zone, but then 15.20 rips away his right to choose his own path (until The Winchesters) by killing him and writing through decades of time where Dean's feelings and voice are utterly silenced.

I think everyone has their own vision of what healing looks like for Dean. I think for a lot of people, healing looks like a deancas reunion. For one of my friends, healing looks like Dean leaving Sam and Cas behind forever and making his own path away from them jahgdjabjdfnj. For others, it looks like retirement and maybe therapy.

I think tbh the show itself ruined "Dean goes to therapy" for me (especially with 13.04) and also the idea of me really dictating Dean's path at all? (And when I said that to a friend, she said "So Dean is really a real person to you, huh?" jshbfjhsbdajhfb) but I think it's that... what I want for Dean after years of being objectified and used and having his voice silenced, is freedom and endless possibilities—including freedom from my own vision of his ultimate fate? It's so strange because it's almost as if the finale thinks it gave me that with the open road Dean drove along. Yet in reality, it gives me the stifling, nightmarish antithesis—a Dean devoid of determination who looks and feels like he has utterly given up and is just swept along by the tide, silenced, moving through a void, painted with forced happiness/contentment that doesn't feel real. For me, The Winchesters renewed that flame in Dean, but what I want for Dean—personally—looks probably more like... Dean having a knock-down-drag-out vicious fight with almost everyone in his life one by one, where he advocates for his own interest and his right to be heard, and well... wins. 🤭 And then goes on to do absolutely whatever the fuck he wants.

I think Dean does know—he really does—where most of these intrusive thoughts originate from, and a part of him knows these judgements of himself aren't fair ("Dream A Little Dream Of Me" shows us a lot of Dean's awareness, as does "Sam Interrupted") but... hm... I guess for me personally, therapy isn't what I'm looking for for him. But I think it's completely valid that other people want to see that—especially when speaking from their own experiences and the joy they now have that they'd like to share with him.

#supernatural #dean winchester #meta #about me #tw: suicide #tw: depression #seriously #I overshared #but part of my love for dean is that I want better for him #better for him the way I deserved better for me

[deanloveshiscaspie]

Teen wolf AU where Derek and Stiles meet and Derek is so confused because Stiles doesn’t *smell* like a wolf, but he seems to always pop up out of nowhere and show up where he doesn’t belong and always responds when Derek speaks too soft for human ears

But really Stiles is just nosy and researching his way to places he doesn’t belong and he reads Derek like a book so he’s just responding to vibes and accidentally tricks Derek into thinking he’s a werewolf without actually being one or trying to

#sterek #I’m into this concept #teen wolf #I enjoy sterek fandom but I don’t really ship it in the show #if that makes sense #I get the tension people pull it from #I just have to put sciles and stydia first

[deanloveshiscaspie]

#YES

[deanloveshiscaspie]

thr funniest part of therapy to me is when you first come in and you're exchanging niceties and they say "hello! how are you" and you say "im fine how are you :)" and then 30 seconds later they put on their therapist voice and say "so how are you doing?" and you go well lisa. believe it or not im doing Bad

[deanloveshiscaspie]

fyi this is just about gore, so think more about surgery and injuries rather than being emotionally upset by someone dying horribly

follow for more occasional dumb polls :)

#blood doesn’t bother me at all #but cutting flesh is not up my alley #real surgery or fake #a scalpel slicing flesh makes me gag #chunks of meat or torn flesh #nope

[deanloveshiscaspie]

Stage 1: using your native language's idioms in English out of habit/lack of knowledge

Stage 2: using English idioms as much as you can to prove that you're good at English

Stage 3: using your native language's idioms in English because they fuck actually

[deanloveshiscaspie]

a generation of lgbt people whose survival was very directly threatened going into survival mode and focusing on practical matters like medical care (which can be affected by both marriage and military service) makes sense. that's not assimilation, it's "we need to make sure it's harder for the government to fuck us over if something like this happens again."

[deanloveshiscaspie]

if someone ever publicly shares ur nudes (even if they're fabricated/deepfakes), u can go on https://stopncii.org/ to have them removed from the internet. this service is available for ppl all over the world. the image never leaves ur device (only a hash of it does) so no one will be able to see the nudes u uploaded to their site. stay safe.