kaywrites33

[kaywrites33]

I got to hold a 500,000 year old hand axe at the museum today.

It's right-handed

I am right-handed

There are grooves for the thumb and knuckle to grip that fit my hand perfectly

I have calluses there from holding my stylus and pencils and the gardening tools.

There are sharper and blunter parts of the edge, for different types of cutting, as well as a point for piercing.

I know exactly how to use this to butcher a carcass.

A homo erectus made it

Some ancestor of mine, three species ago, made a tool that fits my hand perfectly, and that I still know how to use.

Who were you

A man? A woman? Did you even use those words?

Did you craft alone or were you with friends? Did you sing while you worked?

Did you find this stone yourself, or did you trade for it? Was it a gift?

Did you make it for yourself, or someone else, or does the distinction of personal property not really apply here?

Who were you?

What would you think today, seeing your descendant hold your tool and sob because it fits her hands as well?

What about your other descendant, the docent and caretaker of your tool, holding her hands under it the way you hold your hands under your baby's head when a stranger holds them.

Is it bizarre to you, that your most utilitarian object is now revered as holy?

Or has it always been divine?

Or is the divine in how I am watching videos on how to knap stone made by your other descendants, learning by example the way you did?

Tomorrow morning I am going to the local riverbed in search of the appropriate stones, and I will follow your example.

The first blood spilled on it will almost certainly be my own, as I learn the textures and rhythm of how it's done.

Did you have cuss words back then? Gods to blaspheme when the rock slips and you almost take your thumbnail off instead? Or did you just scream?

I'm not religious.

But if spilling my own blood to connect with a stranger who shared it isn't partaking in the divine

I don't know what is.

[kaywrites33]

Devin Kelly, All that wanting, right?

[kaywrites33]

got a gun and you're too scared to use it

got a heart but you're afraid to prove it

a real mess you've made

get yourself out and ease this pain

find a way to fix this mess

a way to ease this constant stress

as long as you try your best

if you can find what you have left

it'll see you through

it'll see you through

i will see you there

i will see you there

where the sun hits your eyes

warms you from the inside

i will see you there

always there

[kaywrites33]

It’s so weird whenever i see a writer or poet say they don’t read other people’s work because they don’t want their style to be influenced like huh art is a buffet and eating a lot of different foods is only going to make your own cooking better and more interesting baby stop falling for the trap of ‘originality’ you’ll end up just bland and repetitive and boring

[kaywrites33]

it cuts my head in half

cuts in and snuffs out

a few cards short of

a rusted steel elevator

cuts the lights in half

but nobody is home

chattering around the frame

and nobody is home

where one door closes

another one opens

flitting around in frame

with cut and frozen headlights

where one door closes

a trap door opens

and i always fall for it

i always fall for it

[kaywrites33]

glow in the dark stars stuck to the ceiling

sticking your head very far out the window

finding the right veins in the right places

placing faith in a strange future

strangers holding you closer than friends

closer still to the yellow line

still frantic and perfectly contained

perfectly frantic and still repeating

this is a good life this is a good life

this is the good stuff for good people

and you hear the dogs howling

(if only you could hear the dogs howling)

as you hear the dogs howling

(if only you could hear the dogs howling)

as you drown these useless strays

(if only you could hear yourself)

as you finally slip away

(if only you could see yourself)

[kaywrites33]

a hill by Frank O'Hara

[kaywrites33]

[kaywrites33]

Please elaborate in the tags if you want to. I'm really curious about what the relationship with their own "bad" art is like for other people.

#I keep them. #i'm not a beginner #I enjoy looking back and seeing progress #my mental health is reflected in my writing so I enjoy seeing how much better I'm doing now too.

[kaywrites33]

slipping through chambers

wandering aimlessly

wandering stars

sunlit clouds in moonless nights

lights in travellers clothes

precipitated ploys

touchless tasteless twist twist twist

clean condensed and diffused

smoke in every hallway

and fog pours from the floor

ceaseless and sourceless

wet and electric

wandering alleys

slipping through walls

pronouncing holes

sharpening corners

hollow rooms for harrowed places

(empty rooms for you)

and you hear about days passing

and you hear a lot about nothing

doors that lead to themselves

the house is a revolver

and the floor shifts in place

and the laugh track starts to play

and you can't go home

not even close

[kaywrites33]

Emotional unavailability doesn't respond to your emotional needs or cues. 

I feel these things still. 

Despite the scars running through my heart, making every beat hurt, I still feel.

An emotionally unavailable person has persistent difficulty expressing or handling emotions and getting emotionally close to others.

I feel.

I see.

What causes a person to be emotionally unavailable?

I see people who hurt me try once again to get close

I see people who only have the potential to hurt me try to get close.

I hold them at arm's distance, hoping it keeps them from hurting me. 

Emotional unavailability may also develop due to experience in past relationships.

I hold my scar-ridden heart close to my lungs, and I breathe in these walls I have built with the hurt people, people I had thought were mine inflicted on me.

Often, those who have experienced infidelity or gaslighting are fearful or hypervigilant in future relationships, causing them to protect their emotions so they don't get hurt again.

But.

Do emotionally unavailable fall in love?

My scarred heart, my scared heart still beats for you.

Yes. 

[kaywrites33]

Emotional unavailability doesn't respond to your emotional needs or cues. 

I feel these things still. 

Despite the scars running through my heart, making every beat hurt, I still feel.

An emotionally unavailable person has persistent difficulty expressing or handling emotions and getting emotionally close to others.

I feel.

I see.

What causes a person to be emotionally unavailable?

I see people who hurt me try once again to get close

I see people who only have the potential to hurt me try to get close.

I hold them at arm's distance, hoping it keeps them from hurting me. 

Emotional unavailability may also develop due to experience in past relationships.

I hold my scar-ridden heart close to my lungs, and I breathe in these walls I have built with the hurt people, people I had thought were mine inflicted on me.

Often, those who have experienced infidelity or gaslighting are fearful or hypervigilant in future relationships, causing them to protect their emotions so they don't get hurt again.

But.

Do emotionally unavailable fall in love?

My scarred heart, my scared heart still beats for you.

Yes. 

#kay writes #original poem #original #original writing #poem #writing #emotions #emotionally unavailable #love #heart #heartache

[kaywrites33]

It’s getting bad again. 

It feels like I've fallen from where I was

A dark hole with a light at the end of the tunnel 

I never seem to reach that light, but it feels farther than it has

A dark, lonely hole

I know I have my people, but they seem just as far as that light

This place isn’t new to me. 

In fact, it’s probably more comfortable curled up down here than it is when I try to climb

Than, when I try to heal

Than, when I try to claw my way out of my own walls built of hurt

I hate myself a little that this dark hole of spirling thoughts is more comfortable than climbing.

But soon, I’ll pick myself up off of the dirt, the floor of this hole, and try again to climb up to the light.

To try to climb up off the dirt moistened with my tears up towards my friends', my people’s voices

To try again to heal the hurt that permeates my flesh, reaching toward a light I feel I’ve never reached.

#kay writes #original poem #original #original writing #poem #hurt #healing #healing poetry #mental health #mental illness #actually mentally ill #depression #depressing shit

[kaywrites33]

Abandoned

Abandonment issues: a form of anxiety that occurs when an individual has a strong fear of losing loved ones.

I think it began at my birth; after all, if the person who gave birth to me, the woman that picked me out, if neither of them wanted me, who would?

People with abandonment issues can have difficulties in relationships.

I sit in my truck at midnight in the parking lot and scream

And sob and scream and cry until my throat is so raw I can’t speak the next day.

I came back to a lab without either of my partners in it, but really, it’s your leaving that hurts, stings the most, and the boys, the men there, pat my shoulders and say, 

“We thought you knew they were leaving.” 

I hold back tears as I walk

Back rim rod straight

Down to the professor's office

I explain.

He gives me until noon the next day to do it, and by gods,

By the gods, I finish it running on the best fuel,

Hurt.

It is the next semester.

You are sitting in my lab, and I pivot, and take a diazepam and a hit of nicotine.

I know I should quit, but I can’t now

I walk in, music blaring in my ear

Find my seat

Pull out my notebook

I feel like I want to scream

You knew my history, I trusted you; even if we hadn’t been together at the time, 

I trusted you.

My back is towards you. 

And I can feel your eyes on me, but I still feel that sting of the lab empty of you.

So I ignore your eyes and act myself,

Act myself as if I don’t want to roll my chair over and tell you, 

You knew the deepest parts of me, and yet you still did that. How can you be so cruel?

Abandonment issues: a subjective emotional state in which people feel undesired, left behind, insecure, or discarded. People experiencing emotional abandonment may feel at a loss.

I am at a loss.

#kay writes #original poem #original writing #original #poem #writing #boo fucking hoo #abandoment issues #issues

[kaywrites33]

Healing hurts

Hurts like an itch under your skin, that you can't reach

Because it's been long enough, why do I still feel this?

I feel the healing wound like a bum knee on a rainy day, or like scar tissue when it's too dry

Hurts because that wound can reopen

Split open, months, years down the road

And when, not if, the scar tissue fails, you have to stay strong

Pour alcohol on it, stitch it up, and cover with gauze

Healing is a process, and it's something that hurts

But that doesn't mean it's not worth it

That those wounds, your scars, don't make you worth it

#kay writes #original poem #original #original writing #poem #queer writers #writing #mental health #healing #scar #wound #healing poetry

[kaywrites33]

So I went to read the Kids Online Safety Act, thinking that it couldn't possibly be as bad as what people are making it out to be, I mean I'm a lawyer and expert in statutory interpretation, it can't be that bad, right?

Oh no. KOSA IS that bad. It will literally eradicate queer people online.

The bill says that a "covered platform" - broadly defined as "anything on the internet a minor might use" which is literally the entire fucking internet- has a "duty" to protect minors from anything that might harm them, including "sexual exploitation" and other undefined terms

It also gives state attorneys general the ability to sue to enforce it.

So here's exactly what's gonna happen:

Wacko republicans, as they've been doing with increasing force this year and last, are going to sue any and every website in existence, saying that the mere existence of LGBT people online constitutes sexual abuse of minors. And websites are gonna be so afraid of not doing the most that they'll just axe all LGBT everything.

Like. Republicans have been calling all LGBT people groomers and child molesters for years. The lead Republican literally admitted this bill will be used to attack trans people.

This bill is BAD bad. I'm appalled that democrats are lining up behind what is clearly a republican Trojan horse to eradicate LGBT people from the entire internet.

Call your senator

#not writing

[kaywrites33]

Hey look it's my main blog :))))

My writing:

HELLO

Alive, in uni, and actively posting my emo-ass poems.

anyways go check them out

@kaywrites33

i'll probably also post some fandom things but that'll be after I get a lil more comfortable posting

#kay writes #queer writers #not writing #original writing #writing #poems and shit