nobodyshome420

[nobodyshome420]

“You don’t pass or fail at being a person, dear.”

— Neil Gaiman, The Ocean at the End of the Lane

[nobodyshome420]

I done it!

I left him!

My life is so much better!

I’m so much happier!

So much more confident!

Time to be me again! 🥰🥰🥰🥰

[nobodyshome420]

Drowning!

I’ve never felt so torn before! I’m so miserable but yet I’m more scared of making someone else miserable!

It’s like all the bad moments in the past are just flooding over me all at once and I’m drowning

[nobodyshome420]

[nobodyshome420]

[nobodyshome420]

If I can survive pepper pig at 5:30 am then bitch I can handle anything 🤷🏼‍♀️

You’ll probably find me rocking in the corner later 😅 probably from too Mach caffeine to keep up with the day 😅

#mum #mumblog #pepper pig #early #exhausted #sleep #no sleep #motherhood #son #toddler

[nobodyshome420]

To infinity and beyond!

Things are finally looking up!

After a month of no work due to childcare issues I finally got a new job!

Best bit is I got it because my son literally went full on meltdown whilst on video call interview (fuck corona) yet managed to keep me cool the whole time! (Fuck knows how?!)

Literally feel on top of the world again!

I can provide for my family!

I can save up to move!

And it proved I’m a boss ass parent even when I think I’m failing horrendously!

I never thought I’d be able to rock being a working mum with a toddler again but here we are bossing it all the way!

#working mum #work #mum #happy #I got this #bossed it! boss #bossgirls #bossparent

[nobodyshome420]

What hurts the most is I’m afraid of myself 👊🏻

#Youtube #music #afraid of myself #afraid #let’s go #drunken nights

[nobodyshome420]

For the first time in my life I feel fucking good!

It’s probably just the alcohol and smoke that’s causing it but fuck me imma enjoy it whilst it last

[nobodyshome420]

can we ?🧸🍼

[nobodyshome420]

For the first time!

For the first time in months

I have my music back on loud.

I have motivation to clean instead of forcing myself too!

I am actually have a drink for the first time in years! 😍🥰

I know it will probably be bad again soon and I’ll be struggling but for now imma just enjoy it!

For now imma just let my hair down and dance like a fool around my front room 🥰

#for the first time #depressed #depression #it gets better #it’s a good day #smiling today #dance #dance like no ones watching #smile #let hair down #drink

[nobodyshome420]

How?! Why?!

How is it possible to want to die so much yet still worry so much about what others will think once your gone?!

I know if I was to do it I’d get the ones saying they loved me when they hate me.

I’ll get people saying but she was a mum how could she?!

I’ll get the ones saying how they never saw it coming yet it’s written all over my face.

Why just why do I care so much?!

[nobodyshome420]

Some people only care when the triggers already pulled.

My partners one of them.

Been sat on the bathroom floor sobbing for an hour now. Can’t even bring myself to bare my own weight.

Which may I add fells so much heavier right now as if the world is crushing down on me.

I literally screamed and ran upstairs sobbing. My partner done nothing.

Truth is I don’t know what I want him to have done anyway?! No one can take this debilitating feeling of just wanting to die away.

I go to bed every night and I pray to a god who I don’t even know exists. But I pray none the less for my life to end.

Every

Single

Night.

But I still seem to wake up.

Some say if you hate it that much why don’t you just end it?!

I wish I could but I couldn’t bare my son thinking I killed myself because of him. Because it is never because of him! And I know he’d blame himself all kids do.

In fact he’s the only one in this entire world who keeps me going. The thought of leaving him is just as bad as the thought of staying alive so it’s a catch 22.

I know I need to change my life to make everything better again like leave my partner and do more with my son.

But right now whilst I’m literally sat on my bathroom floor unable to move I just can’t find the motivation to do any of it. Truth is I know if I was to go down and leave my partner (would be 100th time already he always says he’ll go and never does) hed just say ok I’ll save and never does! Or he’d blame it on my being so depressed ignoring the fact that I’m so depressed because I’m living a life i hate.

But I will keep holding on. I know that I won’t take my own life as much as the thoughts go through my head every minute of every day. I won’t do it.

I have a son to try harder for. I have a son to keep fighting for because without him I’m nothing.

I got this. For now.

#depressed #depression #kill me #depressedmum #bpd #bpdmum #save me #help me #i will get through it #I got this #son #I love my son

[nobodyshome420]

Well this just put a whole new outlook on my life!

Never gunna unthink this now!

this post hasn't left my mind since i've first saw it

[nobodyshome420]

What to do?...

So I knew things where getting bad. I didn’t realise how bad though.

Today I realised. I no longer look forward to watching tv when my sons in bed, no longer excited for animal crossing. What’s the point in cleaning again?. And god help hours of mindless scrolling through ticktok just to pass the time.

At what point did I lose myself this bad?

At what point did I lose interest in so much of what I love?

I fight everyday to smile yet only a smirk comes out.

One day I’ll be me again.

One day.

#bpdmum #bpd #depressedmum #depressed #depression #setfree #lost interest #no intrest #mumblog #mum #mumlife #it will get better #dark days

[nobodyshome420]

Sometimes the real strength is by giving in to what you need.

I’ve been off my anti-depressants for over 2 years now. And I’ve probably been depressed the majority of that time but refused to admit it till now.

I finally got hold of my dr and the anti depressants are back on repeat.

I came off them because my partner believes “it’s al in your head” which is true. It is in my head. But it’s a chemical in balance in my head not just my mind being a knob.

For ages I believed I could do better with out them. Lately I’ve realised I need them again. Even if only for a short while till I get back on track with life I need the chemicals back.

My partner walked in on my ringing drs asking for them back and crying. He said nothing. He just took my son for a bath.

In his way it’s him helping he’s letting me have a break which is great.

However I don’t want the break I want someone to hug me and say look it’s going to be ok you’ve been through worse and I’ll help you through this.

I never get that though. My partner can’t use emotions or emotional support. He’s just not equipt for it I guess.

On the plus side my son gave me the biggest cuddle and 2 sloppy kisses (he’s only 18 months) to cheer me up even after I had shouted at him which I feel horrendous for!

There’s hope yet that my son will grow up caring and loving and unafraid of emotions.

The world needs more men who aren’t afraid of emotions.

#depressedmum #depressed #depression #bpd tag #bpdmum #antidepressants #mum #mumblogger #hard times #keep going #i got this

[nobodyshome420]

Torn in Two.

Ever felt completely torn in two? I honestly feel like I have 2 heads and 2 brains.

I have the side that sees that all is not well and knows what to do to change it.

And I have the side that just keeps hoping it will all change and get better.

I guess that’s kinda your head and heart battling I just have no clue what’s what anymore.

In fact I know I should leave.

But I can’t.

I’m scared of hurting him (no idea why)

I’m scared of being alone

I’m scared of everything to do with change but I know if I stay I’ll end up killing myself.

He’s a great guy in a sense.

I mean he doesn’t beat me or rape me like my last one did.

But emotionally it’s not there it’s draining.

Mentally I always feel like I have to be a certain standard or I’m not enough.

Financially. I give up.

I just need an escape route.

I just need someone to hold their hand out and say I’m here. You’ve got this.

#420 girls #spilled ink #relationships #relationship #help #getaway #i want to leave #depressedmum #depressed #depression #self help