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reformed-bad-girl-blog · 7 years

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July 17, 2017

Let’s set the date back to July 16, 2017.

There I was, surrounded by Diet Coke cans filled with used needles, recovering from an intentional motorcycle accident, family members raiding my apartment to look for an answer to why I look like death is at the door, a break-up and relationships crumbling from those I loved catching on that I’ve been feeding them bullshit, reeling over a miscarriage of a pregnancy I had no clue about, and anxiously looking through my apartment for any vice, This was it - July 16 would be my death date. I had finally realized that I had royally fucked my life up and it was no one’s fault but my own.

And those vices?

Alcohol, Roxicodone, Oxycontin, Hydrocodone, Ativan, Valium, Fentanyl, Percocet, Xanax, and hospital visits for Dilaudid when I was feeling desperate. But what’s a girl to do in order to hide her addictions from the world? Take Adderall and/or Ritalin to keep from nodding off during daylight hours. I had various methods of escape.

First it was I’ll just swallow these, I’ll just chew these, but won’’t snort these. Then it’s I’ll snort these, not smoke them. And there I was, teaching myself how to inject the heavier drugs right into my veins.

I had a large void inside myself that I try to fill in the most unhealthy ways, whether it was drugs, booze, sex, or dangerous behavior. This past year was no longer about chasing the high, it was about chasing death. You see, I had killed myself way before July 16th. I made myself a shell of a human being inside my own self, and what you saw was a malnourished scared little girl, with gray skin, and eyes that said I was truly dead inside.

I was a legitimate bad girl. The big red flag. I used to pride myself on my reckless, shitty behavior. I now realize that impulsive, bad behavior was only helping me feel something (anything) inside.

On July 17th, I would start to detox. I had found some will to live. I had surrendered. I was all alone those 9 days of detoxing on benzos, opioids and alcohol. I would soon reach out to a friend I knew who also had addiction issues and he set me up with your cliche stay at a Florida rehab. So, that week before I left, I came clean to everyone about my very dirty secret. The treatment was originally for 45 days.

I’m about to hit 4 months clean and sober. This is the first and longest time I’ve ever been sober since being a teenager. I wanted to post this journal I kept through my entire recovery with hopes I reached out to someone. When you’re in the throws of addiction, you feel the most alone. You’re not alone.

I am remaining anonymous for now. Do me a favor, though. If you feel like you “MIGHT” have a problem, take a selfie of yourself. I took a selfie of myself on July 16th and that selfie was hung on my wall at rehab, now hanging on the cabinet I kept all my booze in. It will be motivation.

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reformed-bad-girl-blog · 7 years

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July 29, 2017 - DAY 12

I keep thinking of our anger exercises from Friday’s session at the Center. A lot of my answers were 1′s and 0′s. My therapist gave me a knowing look as if she knew that would change. I was so numb of my basic emotions, that I never realized how much of an angry person I am. I’m angry about having Multiple Sclerosis, I’m angry about how my family treats me, how my boyfriends treat me, how friends take advantage of me, and most of all, how much I’m angry with myself about how I got to this point. I hate what I’ve become.

Goal for the day is to confront the person I’ve become. Goal for the week is to get in touch with my anger issues. My character defect is deflection. I’ve been avoiding meeting the person I’ve become for over a decade.

Honestly, I’m having trouble with daily affirmations because I do not like myself very much. In fact, I hate myself. What have I done?

#sobriety #treatment #soberlife #recovery #soberliving #drugfree #drugs #addiction #alcoholicsanonymous #self discovery #self destruction

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reformed-bad-girl-blog · 7 years

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7/28/2017 - DAY 11

I’m feeling good today because I’m slowly becoming more comfortable with the idea of rehab. However, I need to learn how to become comfortable with my sober self. I’m afraid that I won’t be my crazy, funny and carefree self.

My goal for the day is to appreciate the sober life around me. Goal for the week is to start letting R go. I don’t even think that it was love. I’m not even sure what love is.

My character defect is keeping walls up. I have a hard time trusting people. I’ve realized that whenever my bad habits are at their worst, it’s directly a result of being hurt by someone I cared about.

My positive affirmation is that I deserve much, much better. I will never settle for less than what I deserve. I will learn to love myself first.

#sobriety #soberlife #rehab #treatment #recovery #journal #addiction #alcoholics anonymous

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