sonofwhales

[sonofwhales]

greetings from Earth 🌍 there's no place like home!!

#cute

[sonofwhales]

I feel love at it's maximum intesity

When grieving.

Maybe that's why

I keep dreaming of death.

#spilled ink #tw death #vent #tw suicidality #i just want to feel loved #i just want to feel love #i just want to feel love without thinking of it's end #love #grief #loveless #? #idk i struggle a lot with love #like the poem says #the only way I'm sure that i love someone is by grieving in anticipation of their departure from my life

[sonofwhales]

I know this is an extremely specific request but does anyone have a teenage sapphic romcom set in a summer camp?

My aro ass is yearning for romance while at the same time missing my summer camp friends from last year (I swear we were THE found family) and I need a movie or something

#no fear street does not count #summer camp #summer camp au #summer camp romance #lesbian #sapphic #bi #bisexual #aromantic #<-------- but yearning for romance idk guys sorry to invade the tag but I'm in a hurry #queer #asexual #<------ this one is cause preferably I want content with no sex #that's why I mainly have not asked for fics cause as far as I know (yes very fucking little) 90% of romance content on ao3 is also smut #queer film #romcom #teenage romance #i swear if it does not exist I'll add it to my list of things to make when I'm older™ #I'm not going into cinema specifically but i'll be in the vicinity of that in jobtown so I'll make it somehow #says the aro person generally not interested in romance.

[sonofwhales]

reblog if your name isn't Amanda.

2,121,566 people are not Amanda and counting!

We’ll find you Amanda.

#omg #heritage post

[sonofwhales]

Seen a lot of people talk about someone being their gay awakening and I thought about the idea of an aromantic awakening and that's so funny to me because that would either have to be someone whose effect on you falls outside of every normative understanding of attraction or someone where you hated the idea of having romantic attraction to them so much that it made you realize you don't have romantic attraction at all

#well hello there

[sonofwhales]

Haha guess who has been chewing on a bone slightly too long and now has fallen down a spiral staircase?

Yeah...

Question for fellow aros

Do you ever just, be comfortable in your aro-ness and then have a dream where someone kisses you and then proceed to freak out for some days knowing that you do not like that person but kinda wishing for someone, not specifically them, to kiss you and just in general delving into romantic media?

Or is it just a me thing?

[sonofwhales]

being in a romantic relationship while aromantic is like. i love you, i think as much as you love me, but i will always love you wrong. i've never felt butterflies and my knees don't get weak. i love you like i love music and the moon. but i don't know if you'll ever understand what i mean by that. i will spend every minute of my life trying to make it up to you. i love you, but not correctly. it will bother me even if you don't mind it. i will always be convinced that someone else could love you better. that anyone else could love you better. i will never know what's going on in your head or your heart— more than what happens in mine, at least. surely. i love you. i'm sorry. and mostly i'm just sorry that you happened to fall in love with something like me that cannot ever grasp the part of your soul which drew you to me in the first place. i love you

#fuck man #this is exactly how it feels like #i'm like a dog #i will never be able to love you in a way either of us understands but i will sit by your feet and gusrd your doorstep and if snyone ever #comes to hurt you I will launch myself at them even if it kills me in the process #because the closest thing I know to love is to long and to suffer #and to devote my whole being to you #even if you don't love me back in that way #or any other way for that matter #hi op ignore me I'm just waxing poetics after reflecting on the few (unrequited) crushes I have had through the years

[sonofwhales]

I don't wanna hide it in the tags

#what if I throw myself under a bus #what then?

[sonofwhales]

Oh to be drunk and allowing the only emotional side of me to come out while for once the rational part of me is the one locked away.

Perhaps then I'd be able to feel, fully feel what the back of my brain has been telling me.

Perhaps I'd sluggishly walk up to you and all giddy like a middle school valentine I'd be able to blurt out those three infamous words

It would be ugly and you would reject me but deep down I know that this is not about you, it's about me, I would have succeeded at saying what I can't even write and it would be enough

#the am I just aro or is it trauma making me repress my emotions moment #spilled ink #vent #aro #aromantic #aroace #arospec #when the love stories make the aro person jealous #actually no #when the aro person keeps hearing about romance and seeing people being happy making him want to smash the glass walls keeping her trapped #i may say I am happy in my identity but deep down I am a raging animal wishing to feel normal wishing to have desire of any kind #wishing to be free and happy #perhaps one day #i know that being aro does not tie you away from relationships #but some days this identity #this way of being #feels like a cage #one from which I will have to brute force my way out #because every time I experience a fleeting moment of freedom from it it hurts #i just want to be normal again

[sonofwhales]

Imagine the rapture does happen, horns and all that stuff except no one get's taken, or like only one guy

#shower thoughts #cw religion #would that be a critical failure on our side of his?

[sonofwhales]

being debilitatingly touch starved is so embarrassing tbh. like ooo look at me im so big and tough and strong unless someone hugs me and then i completely forget how to function. oooo look im extremely anxious about physical contact and im constantly daydreaming about being held. ooooo look even the slightest touch makes me hyperaware of my skin and i'll cry if someone ruffles my hair. oooooo look i cant sleep without hugging a pillow and being buried under a weighted blanket bc im so lonely that it manifests as physical symptoms. like what??? im literally clinically unloved that's so CRINGE ahdjk

#the wordt thing about it it's that it's not even that I never get touch #when i see family we do hug each other and kiss on the cheek but... #it's as if those don't count anymore #like a dog rejecting it's meal and going back anyways to it's corner to whine because it's hungry #i hate it cause it makes me feel like i'm faking my pain #like i'm forcing it to be here #it feels like I am eating food but I can't taste anything

[sonofwhales]

Gosh I just want someone to touch me. Touch me and make me feel loved.

Please touch me, where you want, I don't care, but please make me feel wanted.

Please just someone fucking touch me in a way I can feel it

#touch starved #depression #vent

[sonofwhales]

are u ever sick w longing. and i don't just mean romantic longing. i mean longing for a place you barely get to see, longing for friends you no longer have, longing for feelings you might have left behind in your childhood, longing for creativity, longing for a rich and more expansive life, longing for less inhibition. longing for more passion. longing for ur life to be so incandescent w something it thaws all the frost in ur bones. are u ever so consumed w it it rends ur heart in two. do u understand me

[sonofwhales]

I want to say one more thing as a cis person who experimented with labels over the years, questioned my gender, and ended up as cis after all. The trans community did not "indoctrinate" me. I had always been asking these questions, even as a little kid before I knew trans people even existed. Over the years, trans women gave me the courage to explore the femininity I wasted my youth denying, trans men taught me that manhood is what you make of it and that nobody could tell me how to define it, and nonbinary people taught me just how limitless my possibilities were. The only parts of my upbringing that left me "confused" about gender were the conservatives who imposed a vision of gender that my friends and I could not relate to. And when I realized trans identity wasn't something I could claim after all, the community loved me all the same. I am happier, and the world is more beautiful, because of trans people. The human impulse to create and survive isn't going anywhere, and neither are trans people.

[sonofwhales]

Funny story

Currently in my class of 17 people, 5 are having an an oral exam, out of the rest of us most are studying and those who are drawing are drawing whump, we are a normal and definitely not exhausted senior class mhm

Here's my thing btw

#whump #whump art #angst #tw death #there's just something about this painting god damn #it feels much more real #than those perfectly saint Marys #also again the fact that the people who are drawing in class are all drawing angsty shit is really telling of our state (our class sucks and #we are barely hanging on due to the fact that every day we get new bad news but that's a big box to unpack) #sigh #i can't wait for us to be out of here #pietà #cw religious imagery

[sonofwhales]

The comfort of dying

Of being held by some entity reassuring that your fight is over, that you lost, but you fought and that is enough.

Or even just the idea of it all simply being over, no more anything means no more pain, right?

The hope of a possible reincarnation into a kinder life.

It's also the idea of drifting off to to that kind dsrkness, be it bloodloss or asphyxiation or something else. Feeling your senses numb down to a gentle buzz, just like falling asleep, allowing yourself to go, because you are too tired and out of it to do otherwise. It's alright, the pain is over, just let it be, it's alright.

But also maybe, just maybe now that you're gone someone does care, someone does cradle your body, someone finally cries for you. You can't feel it but finally someone genuinely cares, because you're gone and it hurts, someone cares about you.

#tw death #whump? #idk tagging as whump because I have been Feeling It and reading whump and hurt/no comfort and projecting on badly fucking hurt/dying #whumpees has been my only source of Emotion lately #putting the dog to sleep

[sonofwhales]

Wanting to kill myself because if I die I can't exist and every day I exist feels like I am only adding sins to my list.

Vs not wanting to kill myself because that would definitely be the sin that would send me straight to hell.

#when you don't really believe in god but yes you do and oh boy you're scared and ashamed because of Everything #tw religious trauma #tw suicide #tw religion #what even is the point tho #I know for sure there is no salvation for me #i might just as well speed things up