#*book 1 i meant book 1 lol not ch 1

[inevitably-johnlocked]

hello hello! I was wondering if you had any winged aus tucked away? the latest post I could find (though goodness knows tumblr’s search feature is iffy) was from 2019 and I was curious about an updated list if it isn’t too much trouble!

Hey Lovely!

You are correct, it's been a LONG time since I've put a new list together... I don't have any new personal recs (been a LONG time since I've read them), so what I'm going to do is do a tag search on my MFL list and put together a nice fresh list of fics suggested to me by you guys! Please note that I have NOT read any of the fics on this list so I'm probably wrong somewhere, LOL. They're not ALL winglock, for sure, but if anyone has anything relevant that they can add to this list, please do! Enjoy!

WINGLOCK / ANGELS / DEMONS Pt. 2 (MFLs)

See also:

Winglock / Angels / Demons (Updated Apr 2022)

Sherlock x  Good Omens Crossovers (Updated Apr 2022)

The Detective and the Demon by oreganotea (G, 2,389 w., 1 Ch. || Supernatural Elements || Pre-Slash, Urban Fantasy, Demons, Humour, Friendship) – “Every demon on record is described as either monstrously terrifying or breathtakingly beautiful,” Sherlock says. “I have never heard of a demon with a forgettable face and a propensity for ugly jumpers.” The demon looks down at his jumper. Okay, so it might not be the most flattering article of clothing in the world, but it sure looks a hell of a lot more comfortable than Sherlock’s two-sizes-too-small shirt.

The Babadook by CatieBrie (T, 6,886 w., 1 Ch. || Babadook Fusion || Post-TRF, Horror, Demonic Possession, Violence, Halloween, Grief, Angst with Happy Ending) – “A children’s book,” John mutters as he flips it open. The pages are scrawled with beautiful charcoal lines and thick black ink. The cover, bright red, edges the open pages and something tugs at the back of John’s brain. It’s a familiar feeling, black and tarrish and thick in his thoughts. He shakes it off and picks the book up off his bed, turning so that he can sit on the edge and spread the book out across his knees. If it’s in a word or it’s in a look, you can’t get rid of the Babadook. He turns the page, ignoring the pressure building beneath his chest. There’s a closet on one page; paper doors meant to be opened by the reader flutter as John reads the text on the other page.

In The Arms Of The Angel by Watermelonsmellinfellon (M, 8,585 w., 3 Ch. || Fallen Angel AU || Friendship, Angels/Wings, BAMF John, Trust, Fluff, Romance, Eventual Happy Ending) – The human population possesses the ability to grow feathers from their spines, but less than even five million at a time ever actually grow any. A feather for a life. Every life saved, earned a feather. The feathers would overlap each other, until there was finally enough to create a wing and if some were lucky, two wings.

The Soldier And The Demon by LipstickDaddy (G, 8,998 w., 6 Ch. || Victorian / Demon AU || Strangers to Friends to Lovers, Soldier John, Demon Sherlock, Domestic Fluff, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Protective John, Protective Sherlock, Happy Ending) – Johnlock/Kuroshitsuji AU - 1879. Captain John H Watson of the Fifth Northumberland Fusiliers is dying from a near-fatal gunshot wound in the Kandahar desert; until a demon saves his life. There’s a catch, though; one day, his saviour will eat his soul.

You Don't Need Wings to Fly by Laiquilasse (T, 11,326 w., 11 Ch. || Wonderful Life AU || Bullying, Angels, Suicidal Ideation, Christmas) – John, an angel, is sent from Heaven to help a desperate Sherlock Holmes by showing him what life would have been like if he had never existed.

Tattered by SrebrnaFH (M, 15,857 w., 6 Ch. || Winglock || Family, Childhood, Society, Abuse, Electricity, Hurt John / Sherlock, Protective John, No Smut, Bullying, Sudden Relationship Change) – John visits Baker Street without any warning and gets an eyeful.

On Feathers and Bacon Sandwiches by Kryptaria(T, 21,092 w., 8 Ch. || Winglock AU || Demon John, Asexual Sherlock) – No one has ever stayed with Sherlock longer than a month. At least, no human. Fortunately, John Watson isn't about to let the little things - like biohazardous experiments and the constant threat of danger - get in the way of his friendship with a very special, very brilliant man like Sherlock Holmes. Part 1 of Feathers 'verse

The 13th Book by meet_me_in_samarra (T, 24,491 w., 13 Ch. || Magical Realism Winglock AU || Enemies to Friends, Friendship, Witty Banter, Interspecies Bromance, Demon Sherlock) – Summoning a demon was actually quite simple if you could avoid getting killed in the process. Therefore, only the powerful, the desperate or the stupid would attempt it. John Watson was likely the first, definitely the second but hopefully not one of the third kind.

This Is Family by SaraStarchild (T, 39,840 w., 16 Ch. || Hereditary AU || Psychological Horror, Body Horror, Demonic Possession, POV Third Person Limited, Protective Mycroft, Cults, Mycroft Whump, Sherlock Whump, Major Character Death, Graphic Violence, Retelling) – When the Holmes family's secretive mother and matriarch, Ellen Holmes, passes away, the family she leaves behind – father Martin, sons Mycroft and Sherlock, and daughter Eurus – begins to unravel cryptic and increasingly terrifying secrets about their ancestry. The more they discover, the more they find themselves trying to outrun the sinister fate they seem to have inherited. This is, pretty much, a word-for-word retelling of the 2018 Ari Aster film, Hereditary. Part 1 of Sherlock Halloween Stories

Though the brightest fell by BeMyGoldfish (M, 41,243 w., 7 Ch. || Celestial AU || Post THoB, Soulmates, Guardian Angels, Demons, Mystrade, Background Johnlock) –  In his office, Mycroft (the Archangel) tries to recruit Greg (the ‘ex-angel’ mortal) on a celestial mission to save Sherlock from what he wants most. "This is some elaborate joke cooked up by your brother as revenge for me not asking him to help on the Islington Exsanguinations, isn't it? How did he get you in on it, Mycroft? Did he hide your trouser press? Or threaten to expose your secret ciggie habit to your mum? This isn't funny. It's weird and obscure, but it is not funny.”

Trapped by Gem_Gem & harrylee94 (M, 41,311 w., 3 Ch. || Demon John AU || Demon John, Mild Gore, POV Sherlock, Mild Homophobic Language, Kiss, Bonding) – During his most recent case, Sherlock finds himself in the hands of the very people he had been trying to pursue. This mistake lands him in a cell, already occupied by a strange man who calls himself John. But who is John? And why does he look so... hungry? Part 3 of the Bonded by Words Stories series

Murderous Imprint by MojoFlower (E, 52,634 w., 24 Ch. || Winglock || Organ Theft, Imprinting, First Kiss / Time, Whump, Torture, Blow Jobs, Frottage, Hand Jobs, Case Fic, Magical Realism) – Sherlock should be focusing on the series of brutal vivisections Lestrade has brought to him. Instead he's distracted by a most amazing and unexpected experimental opportunity from the basement apartment of 221C. Will he figure out the one in time to stop the other? And does he need help in order to do it? Part 1 of the Hatch series

Not English But Angels by orphan_account (E, 203,251 w., 15 Ch. || Twisted Canon, Slow Burn, First Kiss/Time, Minor Character Death) – A sort-of canon, sort-of AU fic in which I twist and supplement canon to weave it into a new story in which Sherlock and John come from different worlds and nothing is quite what it seems.

WORKS IN PROGRESS

The Posthumous Game by S_IRIS (E, 58,695+ w., 12/19 Ch. || WiP || Supernatural Elements AU || S4 Fix It, Crack, Humour, Fluff, Demonic Possession, Friends to Lovers, First Kiss/Time, Sherlock Whump, Hurt Comfort, Hallucinations) – A Season 4 fix-it fic where Jim Moriarty really is dead but comes back as a demon to haunt Sherlock. The only problem is Jim is a total newbie at demonic possession so he tries to make-do and ends up making Johnlock happen. Only, it doesn’t happen the way you’d think.

Hellfire by HarleysCompass (E, 66,660+ w., 19/? Ch. || WiP || Fallen Angel AU || Biblical References, BAMF John, Sexual Content, Fallen Angel John) – In 1880 Dr. John H. Watson dies on foreign soil. The next thing he knows he's wandering the planes of Heaven. After betraying God, John is cast out, employed by the devil, and protecting a sociopath of a human with a penchant for trouble and pissing off Angels. 

#steph replies #johnlock fic recs #winglock fics #angels and demons #supernatural fics #magical realism fics #my fic recs #marked for later fics #wip fics

[altraviolet]

Deleted scene, Ch 39

I'm reading JRO's behind the scenes MTMTE notebook (Vol 3) and it inspired me to grab a deleted scene for The Echo Garden xD

I've picked one at random. This is a deleted scene featuring Rodimus and Ultra Magnus. In chapter 39 "The After Burner," we have this excerpt, which I'll put behind a cut in case this post gets long. I'm including it so you know what the heck the deleted scene is talking about:

Ch 39 excerpt:

Ultra Magnus was spraying The After Burner with a coat of white paint as per Rodimus's orders. It did little to cover the ocular-searing neon greens and yellows Magnus had painted it to “discourage extracurricular canoodling.” Something about The After Burner's lithe build made it a gathering point for “adventurous crew members.” Rodimus found the neon paint scheme a million times more offensive than semi-public canoodling and had demanded it be painted over before the voyage to 2938. Like any vehicle prioritizing speed, The After Burner was light on armor and defensive capabilities. It was meant for sprinting small crews or low weight cargo between two points. It worked marvelously for Enceladia purposes. With a single laser and a shield about as powerful as Toaster's tiniest coil, it wasn't Rodimus's first choice. But it was the only shuttle that fell below Perceptor's recommended threshold for mass.

The following is the deleted scene that was summed up in the above. A good lesson demonstrating that not everything needs to be written out in scene. Everything said in the below scene was summed up in the fic. I couldn't find a good place to slot this scene. Giving the reader the info in summary was a better choice to keep the chapter moving.

Deleted scene:

“There are two shuttles with weights below Perceptor's recommended threshold,” said Ultra Magnus. Rodimus scrolled up and down the data pad he'd been handed, squinting. “The Scavenger is fast but very lightly armored,” said Ultra Magnus. “As a side note, it has been painted uniform stripes of contrasting bright greens.” Rodimus tilted the data pad away from his face. The real thing hovered behind Ultra Magnus, clashing with itself and everything around it. “Ow, my oculars.” Ugh, Shuttle Bay 2. “Who did that?” “I did, sir.” “Why?” “To keep away the canoodling types, captain. The more adventurous crew members designated The Scavenger a 'hot spot,' if you know what I mean.” Ultra Magnus leaned down conspiratorially. “I hope you know what I mean.” “Eugh.” “It worked,” said Ultra Magnus proudly. “Extracurricular canoodling decreased by 37% in the-” “That's fine! I'm good. I don't need canoodle percentages,” said Rodimus. “Tell me about the other shuttle.” “The After Blaster has much better shielding but isn't as fast.” “Classic conundrum: speed vs armor,” said Rodimus. He shoved the data pad back at Ultra Magnus. “You know I have a need for speed.” “The Scavenger it is, captain.” “Throw a coat of paint over that thing. The quick dry stuff you use on the graffiti. You can make it pretty after we get back.” “Yes, sir.” Ultra Magnus perked up. “I can try out my new nozzle extension! Optimized for peak dispersal of paint types 1a through 3b.” “Great,” said Rodimus.

Little notes:

"The After Blaster" got changed to "The After Burner" for the fic. These are both aft jokes, by the way. The shuttle name started as "The Aft Blaster." I changed it to "After" to be less crude and to sneakily hide the joke. Then changed "blaster" to "burner" for slightly less crudeness, lol.

The reason Rodimus thinks "ugh, Shuttle Bay 2" is because the Rod Pod is kept in Shuttle Bay 1. Bay 2 is the lesser of the bays in his eyes lol.

"The Scavenger" is a shuttle named in honor of the Scavengers, after they suffered their terrible fate. It hasn't come up in the fic, though

"canoodling" is a joke from the canon comic

I had Rodimus hate the neon green paint job because I myself am not a fan of neon green

The thing where a character is looking at a book/data pad/whatever displaying an object, then moves it aside and the object is there in front of them in real life, is hilarious to me. I assume that's a trope?? With a name? I love that trope.

Hope you enjoyed this lil deleted scene :)

#echo garden related #deleted scene #behind the scenes #aft jokes

[friedbaekhyunandeggso]

Reason ~ ch. 37

pairing: female oc (devon alba) x levi ackerman

tropes: instructor x cadet, strangers to lovers, male mc falls first

warnings: angst/slow-burn, a bit of fluff, strong language, smut (18+ readers only!! 🙈) [virginity loss (slight mentions of blood), rough sex & that's all i can think of right now bc my brain is fried lol BUT i'd like to believe that i can guarantee you'll feel things while reading this chapter <3 ]

brief summary: This story takes place a few years after the Fall of Shiganshina. Devon Alba is in her final year of the 101st Training Corps (844-847), due to her success as a cadet she gets the chance to meet Captain Levi. She doesn’t think too much of him until he catches her in the midst of doing something that she isn’t entirely supposed to be doing. But surprisingly, this leads to something unexpected...

ch. 1 [...] ch. 36 | chapter 37 | ch. 38

Devon noticed it seconds before it imploded. She’d just meant to pass through the market to get home but couldn’t help but stop at the handmade accessories vendor. In the midst of her browsing she saw a Garrison officer briskly walk past her.

She glanced over to see where he was headed and noticed a little boy stuffing tomatoes into his pockets a distance away. Her eyes widened.

Before she knew it, she was running. She zipped past the Garrison officer and grabbed the little boy's hand.

The boy looked up at her, startled.

She smiled into his dirt-stained face, “There you are! Ah, look at you-you got my tomatoes for me.”

The little boy stared at her with wide eyes as she reached over and paid the seller with a few coins. She glanced over her shoulder to see the Garrison officer staring at them with furrowed brows.

“Can I help you, officer?” she asked, casually. She felt the kids hand tighten in hers.

The officer straightened, “Er-No, ma’am.”

She gave him a half-assed smile before tugging the little boy’s hand. She walked down the street with him until they made it out of the market. He’d been awfully quiet the entire time. She didn’t consider herself terrible with kids but dealing with a situation like this? This would be new.

She glanced down at him, “Wh-“

Suddenly he released her hand and booked it.

Her eyes widened, “Hey!”

She ran after him. It didn’t take her long to catch up to him.

She grabbed his arm and he immediately swung around—pushing at her. All the tomatoes in his pockets spilled out and scattered about. The kid turned around, intending to run again but she grabbed his arm once-more.

“Enough!” her tone was stern, “You’re not in trouble. I want to help you.”

The kid froze, his head hanging down.

She didn’t release his arm as she bent down to one knee. She examined him—his clothes weren’t tattered. A bit dirt stained, yes, but not in the sense that made it seem he lived on the streets. Also to grab tomatoes instead of something typically directly edible like apples or bananas, she couldn’t help but wonder..

“Was that your first time stealing?” she asked, gently.

He didn’t respond, still not looking at her.

“You have to be more careful, that officer almost caught you.” she scolded, “You have to look around and check where the Garrison officers are before trying anything funny.”

The little boy’s head shot up. His eyes wide in shock.

“Are you hungry?” she asked.

He nodded.

She released his arm and dug into her bag. Of course, the one time it could’ve been useful she didn’t have any leftovers from culinary school today.

She withdrew a handful of coins and handed it to him, “Go to a vendor and buy yourself a meal.”

The boy seemed to hesitate before silently taking the money.

“Do you have parents?” she asked.

He nodded.

“You live with them?”

He nodded again. She couldn’t help but notice he was shaking slightly.

“They don’t feed you?” she inquired.

He shook his head.

She bit her lower lip, feeling a bit bad about prying since the boy was looking more uneasy by the second. She didn't mean to keep him for long, she just wanted to make sure that he had someone to look after him.

"Where are your parents?" she asked.

A moment of silence followed. The boy merely facing downwards once more. Just as she contemplated saying something else the boy answered,

"Mommy's at work. She's always working." his voice was low, the discontent clear in his tone.

Her eyes widened–he’d finally spoken.

Though she couldn't say she was surprised by his Mother's case. Nowadays with the price of food steeping higher since the food shortage-everyone seemed to be working more. She gestured towards the coins in his hand. In truth, she’d given him enough money to cover several meals.

“Make sure you buy something for Mommy too then.” she murmured.

He nodded, before suddenly running away again.

Just as she shot up to her feet, a familiar voice sounded from behind her.

“Oi, what do you say to someone who helped you?”

She swiftly turned around to see Levi gripping the kid by the collar with one hand. The boy’s eyes were wide with fear as he stared up at him.

The boy looked over at her, “T-thank you, miss.”

Levi released the kid’s shirt as she walked up to them. She gave Levi a lingering look before bending over to smooth out the boy’s ruffled-up shirt.

“Your welcome,” her voice was calm, “Do you know the bookstore by the market?”

The boy paused before shaking his head.

“That’s okay. Do you know where Dr. Bernard’s office is?”

The boy nodded.

“Great! If you keep going straight down that street you’ll find a bookstore. That’s where I work, okay? If you see me inside you can come in and say hi. And if you’re hungry, just tell me and we can share some snacks.”

The boy stared up at her blankly.

She squeezed his shoulders, “You better come and visit. I’ll be sad if you don’t.”

The boy looked away, his voice low, “Why.”

A slightly pained expression passed over Devon’s face before she let go of the boy’s shoulders. She couldn’t blame him for questioning it, she knew her younger self would’ve immediately been wary of an offer that sounded too good.

Her voice came out much softer than she intended, “Because I care. I care about what happens to you.”

The kid’s head snapped up to stare at her. The boy’s eyes glittered with shock.

She offered him a small smile-quickly swallowing back the ball of emotions she felt rising in her throat.

She waved him off, “Okay, go eat now. Don’t forget to get something for Mom too.”

The boy nodded, stepping backwards slowly. The kid seemed to hesitate, his eyes switching between her and Levi before lingering on Levi. Something seemed to flash in his eyes before he quickly waved Devon goodbye and scurried off. Her and Levi stood in silence, watching the kid disappear down the street.

“Brat gave me the stank eye.” he muttered.

A slight laugh escaped her, “I think he recognized you.”

He seemed to hesitate at that before turning to face her, “You sure you want him bothering you at work.”

She sighed, “He probably won’t come. I wouldn’t have.”

She faced him, her voice unconsciously dropping lower, “I didn’t think it would hurt to let him know.”

There was a look of knowing in Levi’s deep, steel gray eyes. He knew she was thinking of her younger self—that her younger self might’ve appreciated an offer like that. An offer of true help.

His eyes dropped to her lips.

She immediately flushed before asking, “How are you here?”

“Erwin dismissed us early.”

Her eyes lit up, “Again? How’d I get so unfortunate.” she teased before moving to sidle up to him.

Just as she was about to slip her arm through his, she froze. Something was off about his impassive countenance.

“What's wrong?” she asked immediately.

His hand slipped into hers, “Let’s go home first.”

She let him tug her along-silently letting him lead her back onto the main street, around the dispersed crowds. It was Friday so people seemed to be out and about, and in good spirits.

She suddenly stopped, her free hand clasping his wrist. He halted, glancing back at her.

“Tell me.” she urged, her voice uneven, “Tell me now.”

He searched her face, his gaze painstakingly gentle before squeezing her hand in his own. “We’re two minutes away-”

“I can’t breathe, Levi.” she quickly rushed out the words. It was true, the second he started to lead them home her uneasiness had grown by leaps and bounds. Her anxiety made her feel like she was going to burst. She knew she should be more patient than this but when it came to something bothering him of all people–she couldn’t take it.

He pulled her aside, so that they were no longer standing in the middle of the street. She slipped her hand out of his, hugging herself underneath her cloak–she needed to stop trembling.

He watched her with a strained expression before moving to take a step towards her. Her head snapped up, the silent question clear in her eyes. He wished she would have waited a moment longer–home was right there. 

“I’m leaving in two days.” his voice was flat.

He saw the realization hit her like a bullet. Her eyes immediately widening before her posture gradually shrank in on itself. She looked aside. He wished they were home with a gut-wrenching intensity.

He reached towards her, but she took a step back. Her eyes were glossy when she met his gaze, “How long?”

“That depends.. on how the mission goes.”

“Where are you going?”

“Karanese.”

“Karanese?” she repeated in shock.

He nodded, “We’ll be leaving Wall Rose through there.”

Her brows drew together. She opened her mouth to ask ‘why’ but froze; she was so used to not asking him about his scout duties-due to his ‘rules’-that it felt almost improper to.

He must’ve seen the question in her eyes because he went on to explain, “Erwin has plans for the lands there. He thinks that land can potentially benefit us in restoring Wall Maria someday.”

Her eyes widened, “Restoring Wall Maria—Is that even possible?”

He hesitated, “Not really,” he muttered, “But Erwin’s always thinking ahead.”

She went silent at that. Her mind racing a mile per minute. She could only imagine that the reason why they weren’t attempting to utilize the land outside of Trost anymore was because it was too infested with Titans. There were rumors that the thuds of Titans’ bumping into the walls outside of Trost were more audible than before.

She shivered at the thought only to tense when she realized Levi was going into titan territory regardless.. He was going to leave Wall Rose through Karanese. He was at risk no matter what.

She swallowed. She suddenly didn’t know.. she didn’t know how she let him go to missions before…

She was drawn from her thoughts when she felt Levi reach into her cloak to grab ahold of her hand again.

“Let’s go home” his monotone voice quieter than usual.

The second they got through the apartment door he kissed her. He kissed her with all the strength he had. He couldn’t stop. He didn’t want the feeling she gave him to ever end.

He kissed her as if he were trying to make up for all the kisses he wouldn’t be able to give her when he was away. He kissed her as if he wanted to convey how much he cared for her through his lips. He kissed her like he’d never get the chance to again.

Because he knew that’s how it would feel. Now that he had a taste of her lips, it was impossible-impossible-that leaving for expeditions would be the same. It was different to think of her laugh, her smile, her gestures in bits and pieces throughout the days he was away. And to replay their conversations in his mind in the darkness of the night when he couldn’t sleep. Sometimes he’d dwell too hard on the moments they shared subtle touches-reminiscing in the lingering feeling her touch ignited-and his body would get carried away…

It was pathetic, he knew it was. He was pathetic when it came to her. He was a version of himself that he never thought he could be.

She meant too much to him. She brought him peace to a degree he knew he didn’t deserve. He wondered how he’d gotten lucky enough to have her return his affection. He often wondered how he got her in the first place.

She brought warmth to his cold, hardened life. The kind of warmth he never wanted to lose. She filled the dark, empty spaces of his mind with something brighter.

He didn’t think that was possible, not after seeing all the things he saw. He’d accepted that no matter where he went, loss and death would follow. It seemed those kinds of things were intertwined with his fate, so he chose not to partake in fickle things like close relationships. They only resulted in someone getting hurt anyway.

It was a rule he chose to live by after he realized he always seemed to outlast everyone; everyone he cared about–his family, his friends, his comrades. It seemed to be a special talent he had. A special talent he was tired as hell of but decided to utilize in honor of those he saw die selflessly before him.

Somewhere along the way, he’d begun truly to care about his comrades. That begrudging respect turned into perseverance. The kind of perseverance that made him think he could see a glimpse of the vision Erwin saw for humanity-even if Erwin’s reasons were ambiguous. Eitherway, he told himself that was enough.

He told himself he’d dedicate his strength to the Scouts vision until death welcomed him in its cold, ruthless arms.

Until he met her.

She pulled apart his tightly knit ideals at the seams. She broke all the rules he’d kept in place to protect himself and she didn’t even have to try. The more he spoke to her the more intrigued he became. He denied his interest to himself more times than he could count.

Refusing to read her file when it sat at the corner of his desk because he didn’t care. Only to realize his denial was futile when he saw her broken, battered body on the Infirmary bed after Carter’s work. It was then that he realized he cared. He cared too much.

It was then that he realized there was someone he couldn’t let death steal from him.

The feeling was overwhelming, dangerous and selfish. It made him realize his ideals weren’t nearly as firm as he wanted them to be. Not even close.

His armor was weak when it came to her. He wanted things he shouldn’t want when she was near. He craved the human connection he forbade himself from. He suddenly wanted to save humanity for different reasons-for a future that awaited more than death.

This realization was enough to send him reeling. It was a train of thought he couldn’t indulge. So he acted on his heart instead of his head, for once. He’d meant to force her hand into joining the Garrison or MP route—not have her sit pretty in his apartment.

It was twisted, really. She hated him and she had every right to. Even then, she was kind to him. Silently fixing up his wounds, leaving extra portions of food behind, never giving him an excuse to worry about the little things. Sometimes he wished she’d be meaner to him, maybe that would dampen his feelings but she never gave him the chance.

He never dared to believe he’d get to call her his. In fact, because fate had brought her so close to him he was even more wary of acknowledging his feelings. He refused to unveil his selfish wish to her when he’d already been selfish enough. She deserved better than that.

He kept his desires to himself–convincing himself that he was only sticking around because she wanted him to–until he saw her fellow cadet mate die in his arms. Corinna, was her name. Her slight stature was all too familiar. Her background a little too close to home. It was the look on her face that jarred him the most. That glassy, pain filled sheen in her eyes that revealed just how much she didn’t want to die. He almost hated himself for letting her get assigned to his squad just because he needed the numbers.

But, for some goddamn reason, all he could think about was Devon. He knew his mind was playing tricks on him because she was the first from Devon’s training corps assigned to his squad. It was a fact that his mind seemed to cling onto because he remembered her as the roommate Devon once complained about for snoring too loud. It was a nonsensical fact that somehow drove him to think of how this girl, dying in his arms, could’ve easily been Devon.

This girl, who had trained the same amount as her, shared the same room as her and chose the same career path as her, reminded him of the fate Devon could’ve shared. The thought scared him to the bone.

It was the type of dread that rendered him frozen–and he never froze on the field. He was transfixed by the deep rooted throb in his chest that spread to every muscle in his body. He’d clung onto her limp frame with all his strength, unable to pry his eyes off of her until he heard someone call for him-reminding him where he was.

He felt guilty afterwards, for considering Corinna’s death an affirmation of sorts. An affirmation that denying Devon entry to the scout regiment was the right decision. He knew it was his selfishness talking but it was all he was grateful for. He was grateful that he’d never have to see Devon injured like that again. He was grateful that he knew where she was. He was grateful that he got to see her live.

The second he made it to town after that expedition he knew he had to see her. He didn’t even bother explaining himself to Erwin, simply dismounting his horse and using his ODM gear to get home as fast as possible.

At first he headed towards the direction of her workplace only to backtrack when he spotted her in an alleyway. He followed her home from above.

He thought seeing her up-close would lighten his need but he was proven wrong-drastically so. When she entered the apartment and rushed to him, he knew he was done for. The second she was close, his lips met hers. And there was no coming back—no coming back from the life she seeped into him.

If this was a part of living, he didn’t mind.

But he did mind how her body shook slightly against his now. How her hands on his chest trembled as she kissed him back. The taste of her salty tears at the corner of her lips. He hated that he had to put her through this. His selfishness had got them here.

She broke the kiss, burying her face in his neck.

“Don’t kiss me like that,” her low voice muffled by his shirt, “This isn’t goodbye. I still have two days.”

He closed his eyes, “Sorry.” he murmured.

He felt her hands fist his shirt, “You’ll come to see me during then, won’t you?” The question sounded all too uncertain on her lips.

His hand running down her back went still-he turned his face towards her, “What the hell do you think.” Despite his words, his voice was soft.

She let out a stifled laugh, “Shut up.”

They decided to proceed as normal, that’s what he wanted anyway. He had asked her if there was anywhere she wanted to go with him before he left and she couldn’t respond. How could she tell him all she wanted was him to stay?

Instead, she reversed the question on him. His answer was simple, spoken after a moment’s pause in his typical flat tone—Anywhere you are is fine by me.

His response had made her want to cry.

Everything made her want to cry. He left many times before and was bound to leave again, she’d accepted that but… this time felt worse—much, much worse. The second he'd told her it felt like a weight had dropped in her stomach, and the weight was only getting heavier with each passing second.

She didn’t want to be sad in front of him. She genuinely wanted him to enjoy their remaining time together, but.. it was hard. It was hard when all she could think about was how she was going to have the apartment to herself again. It was hard because she didn’t know when he’d be back—she didn’t even know if he’d make it back.

She blinked, refocusing on the task before her. She looked to see that her hand holding the knife was shaking. Her brows furrowed as she attempted to work past the shakes by tightening her grip around the knife, only to realize that made it worse.

She inhaled unevenly before clasping her free hand around her trembling wrist—steadying herself.

She resumed cutting the carrot.

Suddenly a tear drop hit the cutting board—making her freeze. She blinked-another tear falling from her eyelashes. She stared as the tear drops seeped into the cutting board, creating small dark circles in the wood.

She wanted to push it away—ignore the emotions she was feeling. She wanted to ignore the way her body felt like it was being squeezed at the center, suctioned inside out. She wanted to ignore the way her ribs ached, as if holding together the weight of her core was too much.

More tears silently slipped down her face, and she didn’t realize until a hand swiftly removed the knife from her hands and set it down on the cutting board.

She belatedly hid her shaky hands behind herself.

“S-sorry.” she muttered, not looking at him.

“Devon.”

She turned away from him, pretending to rearrange the other ingredients on the counter while discreetly wiping her tears with her shoulder.

“Devon.” he repeated.

She picked up a few vegetables she hadn’t cut up yet, “Yes?”

“You don’t have to cook.”

She didn’t look at him when she moved past him, back to the cutting board, “What are you talking about? I have to make dinner.”

“No, you don’t.”

She laid out the other vegetables on the cutting board, “Yes, I do.”

Just as she reached for the knife, he grabbed her wrist—forcing her to meet his gaze.

“No the hell you don’t.” he grit out, “You can’t even hold a goddamn knife straight.”

Her eyes widened before her eyes immediately watered. She wrenched her hand out of his grasp and turned her back to him.

“Wait-“ his voice was low, somewhat frustrated-in a way that seemed to be directed at himself, “That’s not what I meant. I-I’m sorry.”

“No,” her voice cracked, “You’re right. I-I can’t—“

She closed her eyes, forcing her tears back. She felt like there was a block in her throat, making it very hard for her to talk.

She hung her head, squeezing her eyelids shut tighter, “I don’t know what to do, Levi.” she whispered.

The second his hands made contact with her sides, she covered her face with her hands—the dam of tears breaking loose. His chest against her back the only thing keeping her upright as he wound his arms around her.

He dug his face into her neck, his arms around her waist so firm she would’ve stopped breathing if she wasn’t sobbing. He held her tightly against himself, as if inadvertently trying to dispel the weight within her ribs as she cried.

She wished she was stronger, so she wouldn’t have to do this to him. So she could support him the way she wanted to-because she truly did-but it hurt. She couldn’t seem to find it in herself to stop crying. The tears felt endless.

She’d gotten too spoiled. She was too used to his touch, to his voice, his presence. She didn’t want to go a day without it,  without him.

“I’m sorry, Devon.” his low voice was muffled by her hair. But it wasn’t monotonous enough for her to miss the undercurrent of self-hatred embedded in his tone.

She breathed in raggedly-trying to think past the tears. She wanted to tell him he didn’t need to apologize—that she didn’t want him to apologize. But her voice came out too small—

“Levi-“

His arms around her tightened more somehow, completely drawing her frame into his—as if trying to merge her body into his own. The strength in his arms made her gasp slightly; she felt the muscles in his arms contract as he didn’t let go.

“I’m sorry.” he whispered once again, feeling sick.

He’d known there was a possibility of this-of leaving being much harder if their relationship were to change. It was one of the many reasons why he convinced himself keeping his feelings to himself was the best course of action, and yet here they were. His selfishness had brought them here.

He had told her he never wanted to be the reason she was hurting and yet, that’s all he seemed to do.

He’d never seen her cry. She didn’t even cry when recounting the atrocities of her past. But somehow, here she was, crying over him.

He wasn’t worth it.

She shifted in the tight-hold of his arms, turning slightly towards him. Her fingers slipped into his hair, gently drawing his face out of the warmth of her neck. Her strawberry scent lingering in the air between them.

Her hand slid down to cup the side of his face, her red-rimmed eyes searching his face. Her face shone in places where her tears had trailed down seconds ago. Her gaze was so gentle, he thought he might shatter.

“You’re gonna come back.” she affirmed, so quietly that he wouldn’t have heard if he hadn’t been so close.

He would—even if he died trying.

“I’ll be waiting,” her voice wavered, “Don’t make my patience go to waste.”

He was quiet for a moment, simply staring at her.

What did I do to earn her?

“C-come back to me first thing.. just like last time.” she continued lowly.

He forced himself to focus on her words, instead of the overwhelming need he felt to kiss her. He knew once he started, it’d be hard for him to stop.

“Just like last time,” he muttered, “ODM gear and all?”

He watched a small smile bloom across her lips, her eyes gazing off elsewhere-as if replaying the memory. The spark that lit her eyes made his insides swarm with warmth. The desire to kiss her seared through him at a thousandfold.

Before he could act, she dropped her hand from his face—looking away to hide her blush.

“I wouldn’t mind..” she murmured. He had looked really good in ODM gear after all.

“Yeah?” His brows furrowed, “What’s that tone.”

“Nothing.” she answered, a little too quickly.

“Then why can’t you look at me.”

She pulled at his arms around her, “Because I need to go—“

He only held her tighter, “You don’t need to go anywhere.”

She laughed lightly as he nuzzled his face into her neck again, “Levi!” she wriggled in his hold, her smile widening. “Let me go.”

His words were muffled by her hair, “Not happening-not til you explain yourself.”

“Explain what.”

“I wouldn’t mind.” he repeated her words-in an overtly suggestive tone that she didn’t use.

“I didn’t say it like that!” she shot back, blazing red.

She bit her lower lip, trying to think past his nose trailing her jaw.

“Fine, but you were thinking something.”

She had to distract him-she wasn't ready to admit that she liked seeing him in uniform just yet.

“I-I was.” she admitted, instantly blushing when she felt him go still beside her.

She pushed at his arms, “But I’ll only tell you after we grab some food. I’m hungry.”

He seemed to hesitate before finally letting his arms drop from around her. She quickly stepped away from him.

He already missed her warmth but he kept his desire to himself as he watched her take off her apron. He didn’t miss the soft blush decorating her cheeks.

“I’ll hold you to that.”

She never told him.

He glanced down at her head resting on his lap. Her dark hair splayed out on his thighs. She had fallen asleep on him. 

She had eaten well-heartily, as she always does. She'd picked out the food spot as well so she'd been rather excited about it. She was able to name every ingredient within the stew simply from one spoonful. He mocked her for it but he adored every single second.

They had decided to walk around a bit after, only arriving home half an hour ago. They settled into the couch for the night, intending to read together as they sometimes did-but it seemed she had other plans.

He lowered the book in his hand, only to move his free hand over her head. He wanted to brush away a few strands of her hair that’d fallen over her face but suddenly went still. His fingertips hovering over her forehead.

He didn’t want to wake her.

His silver eyes raked over her features once more. She looked so at peace.. he’d never seen her asleep up-close like this.

He didn���t even remember how she got here. She’d been reading with her back pressed to his arm at first. Then her head leaning against his shoulder, legs half-way bent over his. Then it seemed her head had made its way down to his lap, her head resting on his thigh as she read with her book propped against her bent legs.

Now, she was asleep.

He placed his book down silently. His fingers over her forehead lowering ever so slightly-giving into his instinct to touch her. He brushed away the strands with his fingertips before gently settling his hand into her hair.

She was so pretty he didn’t know how he thought he could ignore her after first laying his eyes on her.

He slowly ran his fingers through her hair, wondering how he was going to go on without seeing her. He looked forward to her more than she knew. She’d become the light of his days.

It scared him sometimes-how much he cared for her. He hadn’t felt this strongly about anything in years. In fact, he hardly felt anything at all–emotionally anyway.

Of course, he cared about his tasks as Captain. He never took the job lightly-it was impossible to. But-aside from his daily rituals-he rarely did much in his personal life. He enjoyed his alone time but this… this was different. This was something he knew he was going to ache for when he was away.

She stirred, her neck arching slightly-leaning into his hand before laying still. A soft, content sigh leaving her lips.

He immediately went still before smiling subtly in realization.

You like that?

He slipped his fingers through her hair once-more, letting his fingertips glide through more strands than before. He wasn’t surprised now that he thought about it. He always liked it whenever she touched his hair..

His mind wandered to a memory of her hands at his nape, their lips locked-on this very couch.

“I’m gonna head to bed.” she spoke through a yawn.

He glanced over to watch her stand up from the couch. She stretched out her arms before reaching towards the coffee table to grab her empty mug. Just as she bent over, he dropped his pen onto his open notebook and reached for her–tugging her back down.

She gasped as she fell back onto the couch, beside him. A look of obvious frustration on her features as she opened her mouth to complain but suddenly froze when she met his gaze. Her mouth gradually closed the longer she looked at him–a bright flush spreading across her cheeks.

He couldn’t ignore the rush of electricity skimming up his spine. He liked that she knew what he wanted.

He leaned towards her, gently pressing his lips to hers. That familiar warm sensation sweeping underneath his skin as they shared a few soft pecks. Each peck followed by another because he couldn’t ever get enough. He held her lips a little longer–tilting his head so he could kiss her more.

Just as he caught himself leaning further into her-he stopped, gently withdrawing his lips from hers. He had a bad habit of getting carried away easily; a habit that he was trying to tame-for her sake. But one look at her made him realize he wasn’t the only one breathless.

Her face was more flushed than before, her lips slightly parted. He couldn’t help but notice the subtle rise and fall of her collarbones against her skin as she tried to catch her breath. His eyes flickered back to hers and suddenly any resolve to hold back slipped away.

His hand found the back of her thigh, easily yanking her towards him. Her hands instinctively went to his shoulders to balance herself. Just as she let out a little sound of surprise-he caught her lips, kissing her with a bruising need. His skin buzzed with satisfaction when he felt her hands slip up his nape, her fingertips in his hair. The kiss only growing more intense when her hold tightened—

He was pulled from his thoughts when she stirred on his thigh once-more. She turned her back to him, changing her position in her sleep.

He glanced down, only to freeze. Fuck.

There-at his groin-stood out a pointed tent. It throbbed uncomfortably–his cock pressing against his pants at a rather bad angle.

He wanted to readjust himself but she was right there. It felt wrong to even be hard with her like this.

He tensed, inadvertently flexing his thighs. She stirred once more, her eyes fluttering open slightly at the sensation. She reached over to fluff her pillow only to grasp something hard.

Her eyes shot open, turning to see that her hand was over Levi’s knee. She glanced around before realizing she was in the living room. She swiftly turned over to see Levi staring down at her, flushed.

She blinked slowly, still a bit groggy. Am I dreaming?

“You awake.” he spoke, his voice somewhat taut.

Her eyes widened when she realized this was very much real.

“Shit.” she propped herself up on her elbows, her book sliding off her stomach and hitting the floor in the process. Suddenly everything came back to her.

“I fell asleep.” she murmured.

“Y-yeah.”

Her brows furrowed before slightly turning to her side, facing him. His silver eyes met hers and his jaw imperceptibly clenched. Something about the way she looked up at him was indescribably attractive.

Can she stop looking pretty for one goddamn second?

She tilted her head, unable to decipher his expression, “You.. didn’t wake me up?”

“Why would I.”

She searched his face, “Aren’t you tired?”

He paused before shaking his head.

“I’m gonna make you tea-“ Just as she rose to do exactly that, his hand clasped around her shoulder.

“No. Just go to bed. It’s late.”

She frowned subtly, “But I want you to sleep too.”

His hand slipped over the side of her face, a touch of softness in his eyes, “I will,” he muttered, attempting to reassure her despite his flat tone, “I just need some time.”

She was quiet for a moment, assessing him somewhat haphazardly-since she was still sleepy-before cupping his hand over her face.

“Okay.” she murmured before slowly sitting up.

He watched her stand, his eyes never leaving her slim frame as she wandered back to her room.

Once the door closed behind her, he let out a sigh. Partly out of relief-because she hadn’t noticed his hard on-but mainly because he’d have to wait to see her again. And in two days, the wait would be much longer..

Devon entered her bedroom, holding the towel around herself with one arm. She stood in front of the vanity, searching for her hairbrush.

Once she found the brush, she raised it to her hair-only to freeze when she caught sight of herself in the mirror. Her damp brown hair went down past her breasts, it’d grown out longer than she intended. Her eyes lingered on her shoulders and collarbones. An imperceptible frown gracing her lips when she noticed they seemed to protrude a bit more.

Her gaze flickered upto her eyes and swallowed. Her eyes were puffy, vacant and.. sad. Her body always always reflected her mood—she wished it didn’t. She didn’t need to be reminded how easily her emotions affected her physicality.

She hated how her health had declined ever since two days ago—ever since he’d told her he was leaving. It was all she could think about, obsessively so. It made her heart ache and chest tighten everytime she thought about it. So-in order to combat this-she forced herself to keep her mind occupied.

The day before, she extended her work shift at the bookstore. She worked so assiduously that she forgot to take a break and missed eating the lunch she packed. Even Larsa had asked if she was okay after noticing that she had done triple the amount of her typical workload in one shift.

She’d been so tired when she got home, she fell asleep right on the couch. When she awoke the following morning on her bed, a pang of guilt resounded through her. Levi must’ve come home when she was asleep. She’d been too tired to give him any attention, wasting away the already dwindling time they had together.

Now, today was their last day together. She didn’t get to see him in the morning because she woke up late-despite telling herself that she would get up early just to send him off to work. But, she was barely able to send herself off to work because she woke up ten minutes before her shift started. She’d nearly flung out of the apartment, forgetting to eat breakfast or pack lunch.

By the time she got home after work and culinary class, she’d wanted to nap but refused. She didn’t want to miss seeing Levi in case he came home early. Instead, she threw herself into meal prepping for the week. Still not eating a single meal herself-simply because she ‘wasn’t hungry'. Just as she wrapped up and decided to shower, Levi came home.

He greeted her with a deep, spine-tingling kiss that left her lips bruised and body shivering. After she recovered her breath, she told him that she’d join him after she showered.

She sighed as she ran the brush through her hair, trying not to dwell too long on how she looked despite staring at herself in the vanity mirror. She was glad Levi hadn’t noticed—or at least hadn’t commented on it. She wasn’t sure if she could handle it.

She set down the brush before moving all of her hair over one shoulder. She began to braid it, only to freeze when she saw the bedroom door close in the mirror. The sound of the door’s locking mechanism echoed.

She swiveled around to see Levi standing beside the door, his steel-gray eyes dark as he met her gaze. His expression closed.

Her heart stopped. He never came into her room at night. He was supposed to be waiting for her in the living room.. Her eyes widened in realization. I left my room door open.

It was the only plausible answer-she would’ve heard him enter if the door had been closed previously.

If I leave my room door open.. at night.. that means I’m ready.

Her raspily spoken promise echoed within her mind. She suddenly forgot how to breathe.

Everything seemed to move in slow motion—his hand slipped away from the doorknob and he began to walk up to her. Her throat grew tight with each step he took.

Each step was deliberate, purposefully slow. His narrow, gray eyes never leaving hers. He didn’t stop until he stood directly before her.

He stood close enough that his familiar clean yet musky, cedarwood and eucalyptus scent wafted over her—but instead of eliciting the sense of comfort it typically derived within her, his scent awoke something different altogether. She felt hypnotized. She couldn’t look away from him.

Her hand holding her towel to her chest tightened ever so slightly. His steely eyes dropped to her chest, immediately noting the slight action.

She couldn’t find it in herself to speak.

Her breath caught when she suddenly felt his hand slide around her nape, his fingers sifting gently through her damp hair. He carefully dragged his fingers down the length of her hair, she belatedly realized that he was undoing her roughly done braid.

His dress-shirt clad arm grazed her bare arm as he pulled apart her braid with a swift yet precise downward stroke of his fingers. The sensation made her shiver.

Their faces were so close, she couldn’t look him in the eye. She was afraid to move.

She felt his eyes on her when he pressed the flat of his palm to her lower back, drawing her closer. Their bodies were so near—only an infinitesimal amount of space between them. Her cheek brushed against his jaw, causing heat to scatter from where they made contact.

She resisted the urge to shiver when he dragged his palm up her spine, over her towel—his hand stopped at the center of shoulder blades, resting over the towel's edge.

She felt the weight of his gaze on her as his jaw skimmed her once more, his nose grazing her cheekbone—an indescribable magnetism keeping the air charged between them. She felt an odd urge to hold her breath.

Then suddenly, his finger hooked into her towel and with one swift motion the towel loosened and fell into a heap at her ankles. She gasped, instinctively stepping back.

She stood completely bare before him. Her heart ricocheting within her body as she realized—this was the first time she was fully naked in front of someone. She felt vulnerable—exposed.

But his eyes didn’t make her feel that way.

She didn’t need to look at him to feel the weight of his gaze on her body—but she couldn’t help it. She watched his eyes take in her figure, starting at her pronounced collarbones to her chest then her stomach, hips and legs. She felt her body go warm wherever he stared. His eyes were so sharp-so attentive-his gaze would’ve felt calculative if his eyes didn’t flutter and a faint blush didn't appear on his cheeks. His half-lidded eyes were the epitome of lust, the silver in his eyes murky and wanting.

Her stomach tightened, as if trying to dispel the bundle of nerves in her gut. Despite how exposed she felt, his eyes made her feel like she was the rarest treasure. He looked at her as if she was the most valuable thing in the world.

But the adoration peeking through the lust switched to something else within seconds-switched to something much, much darker. It felt as if the weight of his gaze had become twice as heavy, making goosebumps break across her skin and her nipples harden. The air around her seemed to close in on her as she realized-with daunting clarity-what that look was—possession.

She felt a bolt of electricity lick up her spine when he took a step towards her. Just as his fingertips scraped her hip, she grasped his forearm.

“W-wait,” she managed to choke out in a low whisper.

She faced him, her eyes searching his face. She didn’t realize she was almost checking to see if there was a flicker of impatience or annoyance—but there was none. His gaze was weighted, burning with something so intense it was hard to look at for too long. His jaw was locked.

She forced herself to uphold his gaze, “I.. I want to undress you too.”

His eyes seemed to widen imperceptibly before his forearm dropped from her hand to his side. Her eyes flickered up to his-a bit unsure. She wondered if this was resignation or forbearance on his part. She should’ve known it was the latter.

She reached the collar of his shirt, trying her best not to tremble too hard when she undid each button. It was hard to focus with him so close—his impenetrable eyes and bated breath too near.

Her hands grew unsteady at the last button, right above his groin. She shivered when she felt his breath waver beside her ear. The heat of his breath scattered down her neck—making her skin warm up when she realized just how heedy he was of her touch.

She quickly undid the button best she could. When he saw her reach towards his shoulders to pull down his sleeves, he was eager to help her. Easily shifting out of the shirt and letting it fall to the floor.

Her eyes ran down his shirtless frame. She’d seen him shirtless before but this was different. She never got to openly admire him—not like this. His narrow, tautly wired build was still rigid with muscle, not an ounce of softness to him. Scars marked various parts of his skin-some more faint than others. Her eyes dropped to one of the more prominent pigmented scars, the one along his navel. She remembered patching that one up months ago.

She placed her slightly trembling hand at his sternum, her fingertips grazing his firm pecs as she moved her hand along his chest. She felt him subtly jolt at the action-as if he hadn’t expected her to touch him.

She glanced over to see him facing down-his black hair covering his eyes. She didn’t miss the outline of his clenched jaw or the subtle swipe of color creeping along his cheeks.

She wanted to touch him, so she did. She moved her hand delicately along his skin-not wanting to startle him. She felt oddly at comfort touching him, as if she were exploring more of him. Some of his scars were flat, while others seemed to protrude slightly against her palm.

His biceps were strong and hard, just from one skim of her fingers she didn’t doubt the strength within them. Prominent green veins ran down his pale arms; she touched a trail of one down to his elbow.

His whole body was tense-she knew it was. From the set of his shoulders to the tension she felt brewing under skin. He wasn’t used to being touched. She didn’t dare allow herself to believe she was the first.

Her hand trailed from his elbow to his core; to the tightly compact skin of abs, where he was the most tense. His skin was more pale here, it almost felt more delicate. But she wasn’t a fool, there was no gentleness in the hard muscles of his abdomen. This was a soldier’s body. A man who’s seen and done too much. The only man she wanted.

She could feel the tension coiled in his skin the lower she drew her shaky hand. Her fingers slowly ran down the center line of his abs—moving tantalizingly slow when she brushed past his belly button.

Suddenly her hand stopped, hovering right over his navel when she realized just how much restraint he was practicing.

She’d been ignoring it, but the silent hum of pressure against his skin was nearly palpable. Her breath came out staggered as she felt the weight of the air around her. The closed urgency—his need.

She felt like she was touching a ticking time bomb.

She heard him let out a low, strained breath. Her eyes dropping to the waistline of his pants when she saw his deep v-lines protrude more, and the veins along his lower navel become more prominent.

She gasped when she was suddenly flung onto the bed by forceful hands on her hips. All the restraint thrumming under his skin was nowhere to be seen by the way he grabbed her legs and pulled her thighs apart to stand between them.

She jolted, reaching out to slip her hands over his shoulders to his nape—drawing his face close. She looked up at him, her eyes searching his face wildly as she whispered-hurriedly.

“Please, b-be gentle with me.”

His silver eyes transformed from wanting to molten. Ends of his pitch black hair scraped her forehead as he gave her face a slow once-over.

Her heartbeat sky-rocketed at how handsome he looked over her. Even this close, she couldn’t find one imperfection in his face.

He released her hips and pressed his hands to the bed beside her head—enclosing her in his arms. He kissed her so hard, she wanted to sob. His passion was incontestable, she wanted to drown in it.

His mouth moved against hers in that familiar way, making her body light up to a different degree— making her skin burn for something more. Her hands pulled at his hair, urging him closer.

She cried out when he palmed her breast, needily—the sensation all too new. His lips were still relentless, desperate on hers. She gasped against his lips when he squeezed her breasts harder. His hips bucked into hers-his clothed groin pressing against her warmth.

He broke the kiss and ran his sharp eyes over her face and body-as if trying to memorize her. His grey eyes burned with black fire as he slipped his arm around lower back, hoisting her further up the bed.

She watched him stand from the bed. He unbuckled his belt, tossing it to the floor as he undressed himself til he was bare. She subconsciously closed her legs as she stared at his fully erect cock hanging between his legs. It’s leaking tip touched his navel as he bent over slightly to remove his pants. It was thick, veins running along its sides as it protruded outwards—seeking attention.

She flushed brightly when he met her eyes. He grabbed his cock, giving it a firm stroke before wiping away the white substance at its head.

He climbed over the bed, making his way over her. He kept an arm propped beside her head while gently sliding his other hand along her inner thigh to spread her legs open.

She complied, her heart racing as she felt his firm thighs against the back of hers—holding her legs wide open.

She shivered when she felt his lips scrape the outside of her ear. Her hands went to his biceps, her eyes searching his face.

His silver eyes instantly met hers and he must’ve seen something because he leaned over and pressed a delicate kiss to her lips.

His hand underneath her knee pulled her up slightly as he kissed her. Her cunt grazed the tip of his cock and he hissed. She gasped at the sensation it elicited.

Her hands slid up his biceps to his shoulders, gripping tightly.

“Levi-“ she rasped out.

His arm beside her head moved closer, his hand slipping into her hair—pressing into the side of her face. His thumb ran along cheek.

“S’okay,” his deep voice rumbled.

He pressed his forehead to hers, “I’ll-I’ll be slow,” he stuttered out, “Tell me—tell me when to stop.”

She stared up into his eyes. His eyes glimmered-like the of rough surfaces of obsidian-in the dark. To others he might've been inscrutable, but his eyes felt like home to her. She realized-with a low sweeping sensation in her stomach-that she trusted him. She trusted him with her all.

Her hands slid around either side of his neck as she nodded.

He didn’t remove his eyes from her when he let go of her thigh to grip his cock and angle it so that his tip rested at her entrance. She jolted at the shot of heat that ignited from her core.

His sharp eyes turned black before he closed his eyes. He inhaled raggedly before locking his jaw. She felt his shoulders flex with restraint as he slowly pressed his hips into her.

She let out a small cry, her back arching slowly at the unfamiliarity of the sensation. His cock was warm-and hard, so hard-as it pushed into her. She felt her legs tremble slightly around him.

He went still. His hand at the side of her face slipped to the crown of her head, gripping a handful of her hair in a fist as he breathed out a haggard breath.

“How’s that.” his voice was taut.

Her eyes flitted over his tense expression before nodding. Her hands at his neck twitched nervously.

She closed her eyes when she felt his hips shift again—trying to prepare herself. She felt his cock disappear from within her only to force itself back in deeper.

“Ah!” she cried out, tears biting the corner of her eyes as her breath came out staggered. That hurt.

“Shit, sorry-“ he gritted out. He shook his head before scanning her face worriedly.

He kissed a tear that seemed to escape from the corner of her eye, “I’ll be slower.” he murmured-voice strained.

She closed her eyes when he glanced down between them. She wasn’t the only one trembling, she felt the slight tremors of tension knotting and unknotting under his skin. She knew he was trying to be as patient as he could with her, she wanted to do this for him.

She bit her lower lip, trying not to cry out when she felt his cock slowly press deeper into her. It felt as if he were pushing through something he shouldn’t—as if he were trying to make room somewhere that was too tight but he kept insisting—making room for himself in her.

She gasped-unable to take the pain and the low flickering sensation of heat building up in her insides, making her wetter. She felt filled enough but he still seemed have more-how, oh lord, how—

Her eyes shot open, “Wait-wait-“

He went still, exhaling breathlessly as he stared down at her.

Her eyes fluttered as she wriggled her hips upwards slightly-thinking it might alleviate the pain. The sensation of having something within her all too foreign. She felt his cock slide against her walls.

He hissed, “Don’t do that.”

She felt his thighs and shoulders flex. Imperceptible waves of self-restraint rolling off of him.

She gasped slightly when she felt his cock throb within her—her insides instinctively clamped around him.

His breath seemed to disappear and suddenly his cock was gone from within her. Her eyes opened wide to see that his expression was hard.

“Do you want me to be gentle.”

She nodded, unable to tear her eyes away from his deep silver ones.

He pressed his forehead to hers, his hand fisting the hair at the crown of her head. “Then don’t make this hard for me.” he spoke raggedly.

She held onto his neck tighter-her eyes flitting between each of his as her thumbs stroked ahis defined jaw.

“S-“ his lips cut her off before she could finish her apology. The kiss was fierce, hungry, unrestrained—suddenly he plunged his cock into her at the same depth as before.

She whimpered under his lips. The pain made her fingers curl into his skin—her nails making crescent shaped marks in his back.

He broke the kiss, staring down at her intently as he withdrew his hips slightly-not fully removing his cock from within her.

His expression was strained, “This is gonna hurt.”

Her eyes widened before she completely wrapped her arms around his neck, pulling him closer to hide her face in his shoulder. Her hands shook subtly in his hair as her knees drew her legs closer around his hips-inadvertently pushing his cock slightly deeper. His jaw clenched.

“Okay.” she rasped out, only to lose any sense of coherent thought a second later.

He drove the full length of his cock inside in her one detrimental sweep. She screamed-unprepared despite the warning. She threw her head back, back arching against the bed as her tits pressed into his firm chest. His body a rigid weight against her trembling, writhing form—keeping her pinned under him.

Her insides clung to him—squeezing him unbearably tight. A deep moan escaped his lips, traveling down the cusp of her ear to every nerve in her body.

His hand at the crown of her head fisted her hair. His other hand simultaneously sliding around her arched her back, slipping over her ass to further press himself into her cunt. She gasped out, wincing.

Her arms shook around him as she hugged him tightly, her wrapped legs around his back keeping him close. Her breath was weak and uneven as she tried to think past the pain—wanting to give him her all.

She lifted her hips slightly—her cunt tightening further around his cock at the action. His cock made her feel so full. She never thought she could feel like this. Underneath the aftershocks of pain, there was this indiscernible sensation that sparked deep below her abdomen-making her skin tingle and breath hot. It felt like something was suspended inside of her, waiting to come apart.

His hips bucked into her, and a staggered cry left her lips. She felt her insides reflexively squeeze around him and before she knew it, another low, guttural moan was ripped from his throat and she felt his cock twitch in her depths.

Suddenly he straightened, easily unraveling himself from her wrapped arms to pull back his hips. He pulled his cock out a second before spurts of his cum began to pour from his tip. She stared-stunned-as his cock twitched, continuing to spurt out thick, white liquid over her stomach until his cock went still.

Her eyes flickered up to see that his face was flushed, almost glowing in a way she’d never seen before. She stared, watching his sweaty body gleam as he breathed coarsely, his abs hardening with each inhale. The strands of his dark hair that weren’t pasted to his forehead swayed as he looked down at her.

She swallowed, her heart scrambling into different directions at his gaze. She couldn’t describe the pull she always felt with him—as if the atoms in the air were pulling them together, as if being skin to skin wasn’t enough.

She sharply turned her face away, drawing in the shaky breath his eyes had chased away. She could relax now, he had finished. The feeling of his warm cum on her stomach was proof.

She jolted slightly when she felt him bend over her once-more. His silver eyes unreadable as he propped his arm beside her head again.

Her legs jolted sensitively when she felt him rub the tip of his cock against her inner thigh-wiping away the last bead of his cum, before driving the full-length of his cock deep into her cunt in one stroke.

She yelled out-her cunt convulsing around him from the pain. The underlying shocks of pleasure that scattered within her surprised her. Her hands went to his chest as she attempted to even out her breathing.

Her expression was strained as she looked up at him, “L-Levi, what are you doing?”

Both of his arms were propped beside her head now. One hand grasped the hair above her head in a loose fist, while the other pressed into the side of her face—his thumb grazing her panting lips.

His eyes were unrelenting in the dark, “I’m not done with you.”

A loud gasp left her lips when she felt him press his hips further into her.

She groaned, “Levi..” her hands spasmed across his chest before gripping his shoulders tightly.

He pressed his forehead against hers, his voice jagged, “How could I be? After everything you do to me..”

Her cunt squeezed around him and he hissed. His cock bucking into her, “Need t’give this cunt what it deserves.”

Before he could start, her hand went to his throat, “Wait-wait-I-I don’t know if I’m made for this.” she stuttered out, saying the first words that came to mind.

His dark, barely constrained eyes studied her. She felt his cock twitch inside of her and shivered.

“Then why do you feel like you’re made for me.”

His quiet words washed over her skin, making something churn in her gut. Her hands slid over his jaw and cupped his face, she leaned up to kiss him.

Then she was at his mercy.

He kissed her so hard she was crushed against the sheets. His cock pistoned in and out of her at a pace brutal enough to make her see stars.

The pain was immense, but the rising sensation she felt rising underneath her skin was indescribable. She’d never felt anything like it. It made her insides clamp desperately around his cock every time he slammed into her.

She broke the kiss, arching her neck back as her body trembled under his unforgiving pace. She couldn’t breathe. She couldn’t think.

It felt inhumane, animalistic, and otherworldly. He fucked her in a way that didn't think humanly possible-so fast, deep and powerful. It was almost as if he were proving to her that no one else could make her feel like this-branding it within her insides.

His hunger poured through the strength of his merciless thrusts. Any restraint he’d kept before was long gone. His hand fisted her hair, keeping her neck arched as he bit at the sensitive skin underneath her jaw. His teeth marking as much of her as he desired—he didn’t slow down.

Tears streamed down the corners of her eyes as his pace picked up. She didn’t think that was possible-but his strength-she felt it thrumming boundlessly in his skin. She swore his cock had grown in size.

She couldn’t take it. Loud cries left her lips with each body bending fuck. Her arms aching from how tightly she held onto his shoulders. His breaths were short, hot and sharp and beside her throat. His cock throbbed within her.

Suddenly one harsh thrust touched her too deep—deep enough to make her shatter. Her head flung backwards. She didn’t know if she was moaning or screaming but she felt a pleasure so blinding her body buckled underneath his.

The lewd sounds of their sex and the headboard hitting the wall became white noise. Wave after wave of pleasure unfurled at every point of her body—consuming all of her. His relentless pace powering through her, letting the fire brewing within her peak to a devastating degree.

And her mind went blank.

“Have you ate at all today?”

She froze, her hand tightening over the sheets, “No.” she admitted.

She felt Levi’s razor-sharp eyes bore into the side of her head but she refused to meet his gaze. She knew the confession would upset him.

“That explains it.” Dr. Bernard spoke calmly before reaching into his bag and handing her a banana.

She hesitated a moment before taking it.

“Please, eat,” he urged, “It’s no wonder you went unconscious after that much strenuous activity.” Dr. Bernard shot Levi a disappointed look.

Levi didn’t meet his eyes. He wore a plain black tee since she currently wore the dress-shirt he’d been wearing earlier.

Dr. Bernard stood up, re-adjusting his glasses, “I suppose that concludes our time together. Please, miss, I implore you to not miss your meals. Food is our fuel.”

His eyes narrowed as he turned to Levi, “And I implore you to practice more restraint.”

A faint blush bloomed on Levi’s cheeks as his eyes hardened, but he-surprisingly-said nothing. Instead he straightened from his perch against the wall, letting his folded arms drop to his sides as he motioned towards the door.

“I’ll walk you out.” his tone clipped.

Dr. Bernard merely sighed. He turned to give Devon a nod in goodbye before walking out of the room. Just as Levi turned to follow him, he stopped in his tracks.

He glanced over his shoulder to see her struggling with peeling the banana, her wrists wobbling slightly.

He grit his teeth before hastily turning to her and snatching the banana from her hands. He deftly peeled its sides before handing it to her.

She stared up at him for a moment before taking it from him. She knew he’d be mad at her for skipping her meals but it still surprised her.

She waited for some scolding remark but none came—instead he was terse, “How do you feel.”

She’d awoken in the middle of Dr. Bernard examining her so it was only natural for him to want to know. But.. how could she answer that question?

She supposed Dr. Bernard was right in some aspect. She had been feeling a bit lightheaded throughout the day but the only reason why she’d passed out was because of him; that overwhelming sense of pleasure he elicited in her body.

Her throat went dry before her eyes flitted up to him.

“H-how did you do that?” her voice felt low and hoarse to her ears.

His thin brows furrowed, “What.”

Her legs inadvertently squeezed together under the sheets-his eyes followed the action.

She swallowed, “How did you make me feel like that?”

His eyes widened-black fire inflaming within his stare-before he was on her. He bent over her, one hand planted to the headboard while his other hand crept up her knee to her inner thigh, over the blanket.

She shivered, leaning back into the headboard as he cornered her.

His crystalline eyes never left hers, “How’d I make you feel.” his low voice made her heartbeat go off at an erratic rate.

Her throat tightened before losing all train of thought when his hand lightly squeezed her inner thigh. A short gasp leaving her lips as her body jolted. The sharp sense of pain that shot through her was distinct, making her cunt squeeze inwards reflexively. Her insides throbbed, clutching at broken pieces of bliss that she'd felt before.

She glanced down at her now open legs. Last she remembered, she'd mentally instructed herself to squeeze her legs together-to stop his wandering hand, not spread herself wider for him.

Suddenly Dr. Bernard called out from the living room, “Guess I’ll just walk myself out then!”

Levi suddenly wrenched himself away from her-as if having completely forgotten someone else was in the apartment. To be fair, she had too.

“I’ll be back.” he muttered before swiftly exiting the room, shutting the door behind himself.

Her eyes widened when she saw the rumpled pile of sheets stuffed behind the door—an obvious red stain on the old sheets. I bled.. that much? She stared at the stain, feeling a bit unnerved. She hadn't even realized that she bled in the first place.

She glanced down, just noticing that the sheets on the bed were were different than the ones used during their.. sex, he must’ve hastily replaced them before grabbing the Doctor.

She touched her lower belly, belatedly realizing that the cum that’d been there moments ago was gone as well. He was always so particular about his cleanliness… only to fuck like that. She couldn’t quite wrap her head around it.

She swallowed, a wave of exhaustion hitting her. She took a few bites from the banana before laying down.

She thought she distantly heard the familiar low intonation of Levi’s voice speaking to Dr. Bernard. She pulled the sheets up to her shoulders-willingly succumbing to the pull of sleep wafting over her. Her last fleeting thought being—when’s he going to come back?

Unfortunately, it would be a while.

a/n: AHHHHHHHHHHHNSUFBiebijnadsnfuild :)

#levi #levi heichou #levi headcanons #levi aot #levi attack on titan #levi ackerman #levi angst #attack on titan #aot #levi x reader #levi x oc #levi scenarios #aot fanfiction #levi fanfic #levi ship #levi fluff #captain levi #attack on titan smut #attack on titan hot #levi smut #attack on titan scenarios #levi x fem!reader #levi imagine #levi x y/n #levi x you #levi hcs #levi hot #aot smut #levi x mc #levi drabble

[ramenrescue]

i know your main thing is ousa/usao and oripa but i was wondering how you felt about yuuo? do you think that the problem with them was that ogata wanted yuusaku to choose him over anything else (their father) which by extension meant that yuusaku had to accept his philosophies and (imagined) defectives or was it simply that ogata wanted the pure version of him to be secretly the same as him, proving himself correct? (or a third thing, i would love to hear your thoughts about them regardless)

I think both reasons you listed here for Ogata killing Yusaku are valid -- I don't think it's one or the other. Yes I agree. I agree with both (lol).

Thoughts, thoughts... welp, I still haven't quite wrapped my head around Ch. 310 when Ogata says "Yusaku was the only one who loved me". So I'll riff on about that even though that's off-topic -- oops!

"Yusaku was the only one who loved me" made me confused when I first saw it-- because one could argue that he received love from his mom at one point, his grandparents, Asirpa. The list is short but not completely empty... so *maybe* Ogata's 'real' definition of 'love' is for someone to 1) understand who he truly is (a "normal guy") and 2) genuinely, and unconditionally, show affection.

So like Usami fulfills 1) -- he can read Ogata like a BOOK -- but unfortunately he doesn't actually LIKE this part of Ogata and instead chastises him for being a weakling.

Asirpa, well, she SORT OF fulfills 2), she likes Ogata, but conditionally, when he's on their side. Also because Ogata lies too much to her for her to really understand who he is, doesn't quite fulfill 1).

His mom, well, she almost fulfills 2) but she kind of loves Ogata as an extension of Mr. Hanazawa, telling him to follow in his father's footsteps and all that, so her love for him might be more on the conditional side.

So I SUPPOSE Yusaku is the only one to fulfill both 1) and 2), in that he 1) saw through Ogata's edgelord-ass facade and explicitly told him "what the fuck are you talking about, literally everyone feels guilt, even yourself, because you are just a normal guy" and 2) he just genuinely loves Ogata, hugging him and crying for him, even after Ogata clues him in on his fucked up philosophy, even after Ogata tries to persuade him to kill a POW, even after Ogata tries to trick him into losing his virginity.

What's really tragic about this whole thing is that he had this realization that Yusaku genuinely LOVED HIM mere seconds before he took himself out ... AFTER he killed Yusaku for the reasons you mentioned in your ask... :'( like bro was looking for unconditional love the whole time and IT WAS RIGHT THERE...AND HE MURDERED IT.

I did answer in another ask that Ogata was agnostic about whether "attention" comes from a positive or negative place -- and I wonder if maybe his attention-seeking behavior is just a quick dopaminergic fix and what he was really looking for was for someone to truly "see" him and love him for it. Wehh.

Edit: I just realized after I posted this that yes, I guess it was sort of on topic -- because one last possible reason why Ogata could have killed Yusaku is that he was OVERWHELMED BY LOVE. and he literally was like ahh

^relevant tweet. I posted this as a joke, but honestly, kinda true... the agape from Yusaku shone unto him ... and he was TERRIFIED...

#asks #I'M SAD NOW #SAD YUUO HOURS #yuuo

[iwanttofuckereh69]

now reading: 2ha vol 2

ch 71 - 88

lets go 

1. Mo Ran is more in love with concept of Shi Mei than Shi Mei himself

It started to dawn on me a while back but it slowly became clearer and clearer. Like, before there could be multiple explanations of his lack of interest in Shi Mei. Because their interactions in the first book were so sweet and wholesome and njgvtfninvghbjuvif but like reading how they cleaned up the house in silence was fucking painful. It’s like he tried to convince himself he was and he is in love with Shi Mei. Maybe he never really was, maybe only after he died Mo Ran began to convince himself he always did. Maybe he saw it as more than it really was because of grief. And because he is stupid. 

2. Shi Mei is a snake isnt he

I said it in my emotional post before ab ch 74, he totally pretended to be sick. I CONSULTED ALL MY FRIENDS (what i mean by that is my bestie and my boyfriend because im a loser like Chu Wanning) AND ASKED THEM TO TELL ME IF HE WAS SUS OR NOT. The verdict wasn’t clear but as i kept reading, it became super obvious. It was soooo sus when he just casually got out of bed while he was supposedly sick, just to menacingly and mysteriously stare at Mo Ran out of the window. As if it wasn’t clear enough before when he acted like a dainty lady all of the sudden. jnfjnju i love him, but omg im scared of what that little snake would do and what is his goal. Is that Taxian-jun’s dick really that fine 

@rosemary-screams i don’t know… how much longer i can take it… how much longer i can be true to my principles… to my love… its so hard… the weight of evidence seems so overwhelming…

3. i didnt realize before that Mo Ran’s grave was under the haitang tree. Maybe that wasn’t mentioned or maybe i forgot about it by the time i realized haitang tree’s significance nvgjnvgjvg NOW I KNOW WHAT YOU GUYS MEANT when you said its obvious from the beginning he loves Chu Wanning. (i mean im still not super convinced by the narrative; that doggo Mo Ran needs to try harder to connect those two lonely neurons scattered inside that thick skull of his)

4. I dont like that it was mentioned that infatuation pills exist in this universe. I dont like how they are introduced out of nowhere. That could be literally anything. Magic viagra. Or dick enlarging pills. ANYTHING. But no. It has to be infatuation pills. I dont like the fact that it seems like those are important. I really dont like that thought.

5. Shi Mei’s resemblance to Song Qiutong has been mentioned twice by now. Basically every time she appears, Mo Ran makes sure to note how she was similar to Shi Mei. And from what I understand Butterfly-Boned clan is pretty unique in their appearance? Is Shi Mei somehow… related to that clan? Like maybe only in a tiny bit tho… Or he's just THAT pretty <3

6. That person in black at the end of vol 2 is me trying to get my ship to work

But on a serious note, what an ending, what the hell is going on. Did someone else really got reborn as well? Wasn’t it supposed to be rare? tjnfgvtfbvgfnbvgjnik And like… when Mo Ran is trying to figure out who the hell has water element from the people he knows… He basically goes through everyone from the main cast aside from Shi Mei… I CHECKED TWICE. It gives me goosebumps. But Maybe Shi Mei doesn’t have any? Like, his cultivation is super lame.

And the fact that Mo Ran forgot that whole interaction... njrigvkrhiuvrfjhiukvgnh no wonder there's gonna be like 8 books or more....

In all honesty I don’t even know what else to say, im so stunned! What the fuck is going on! I NEED BOOK 3 NOW

BTW! Tell me what character from 2ha i should draw for kinktober and in what crazy situations would you want to see them. I'm too lazy to draw two people so choose wisely lol (leave a comment or send me an ask)

#2ha #erha #erha he ta de bai mao shizun #the husky and his white cat shizun #2ha spoilers #now reading: 2ha #rambling #sending prayers that ill get my book soon

[hikennosabo]

trimax vol 10 random thoughts (ch 5-8)

part 1 here.

okay, time for part 2. i don't want to do this, i have a pit in my stomach.

chapter 5:

destroying razlo's punishers... a good strategy!

getting leverage to jump by stepping on his leg, i love it

you could say he. he was. *wheeze*... i guess you could say he was... ...disarmed... [a comically large hook drags me off the stage]

wolfwood and razlo just met today (not technically but y'know), but he can read razlo so well already, taunting him like this.

THIS FIGHT...!!! it's reminding me of vash vs knives in the finale of the 98 anime! one black gun and one white gun, and them being on even ground, making the same moves...

they're an even match when they're just whaling on each other, but wolfwood has tactics that razlo doesn't. also this is an insanely cool move.

chapter 6:

^ how it feels to read trigun maximum (said again)

^ how it feels to read trigun maximum (said for a third time)

he knows wolfwood is dying. we know wolfwood is dying. he can't do anything to stop it. we can't do anything to stop it. (except for refusing to keep turning the pages, i guess)

THEY HAVE NAMES?

vash can't do anything to stop wolfwood from dying, but he can help wolfwood go out on his own terms...

PLEASE, HE'S ALREADY DYING, WE DON'T NEED YET ANOTHER DEATH FAKEOUT FOR THE BOOKS.

livio interfering... i'm not an expert but this is not how DID works. but sure. the drama carries it.

WHY AND HOW IS CHAPEL STILL ALIVE FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU

razlo realizes very fast that chapel never cared. despite his verbal denial, i think he was realizing way before this.

DESERVED!!! YES.... KILL!!!!!!

of course razlo can only attack. attack, like how he killed livio's parents. not that chapel doesn't deserve it, but this is the only thing razlo knows how to do.

ough. livio apologizing... "i'm okay now"...

so is razlo just gone now? like i said, i'm not a DID expert, i know re-integration(? not sure if that's the correct term sorry) is possible, but i don't know if this is how it works...

honestly, i feel bad for razlo. he only knew a life of violence, he was manipulated and indoctrinated by chapel, all he wanted was to be needed but his last experiences are finding out that chapel didn't care about him and then livio telling him he doesn't need him anymore. poor guy.

chapter 7:

oh, no, i don't want to read this chapter again. don't make me read this chapter again.

the difference between this and tristamp... stamp had the orphanage much more directly tied to EoM, and a bunch of guys in suits came to pick wolfwood up. this scene is a lot more "normal," a lot less obviously suspicious. idk if i'd go so far as to say stamp!melanie was in on the whole thing, but she doesn't look happy about wolfwood leaving... i do wonder how stampede will handle all this... ANYWAY!

"six years"... lmao. now i understand what people meant when they said the timeline is confusing. it's killing me and i hate it, actually?! nightow ALL you had to do was NOT specify a number!!!

the coins... i constantly forget about them and i find it funny whenever they're brought up... they were so clearly meant to set the ghg up as a shonen battle enemy-of-the-month type thing but then that got thrown off the rails when the magazine ceased publication and everything got turned upside down. yet the coins persist. what are they all for in the end.

also i'm sad. this is wolfwood's paltry attempt at pushing vash away. (also he's been carrying rai-dei's coin this whole time?! lol?! that's also sad... just waiting to give it to vash i guess...)

"this is the way you want it? are you sure?" i'm just fucking inconsolable at this point.

of course this attempt at sincere emotion is deflected. you boys are so, so, so, so, so stupid.

i can't do this man. i can't review the couch scene. i'm crying too much.

the prayer. this especially is getting to me. we've seen wolfwood pray a few times, but now it's vash's turn to pray. we've never seen him do that. and while vash was there to answer wolfwood's prayer... there is no one to answer vash.

what if i climbed into the microwave right fucking now.

ourgh. out of all the images in this chapter, this is the one that stuck with me the most. even more than the couch images. ugh, i can't even fucking write.

chapter 8:

i don't know where else to say this...? lol but livio's personality is different, he's cute now. is this because he broke out of the EoM brainwashing or because he integrated with(???) razlo? (once again: IS this how this works???) or is it both? either way he's a lot more expressive than he was before...

other people have already talked about how we didn't see the burial. i'm also thinking about everything else we didn't see. vash buried wolfwood, and he also cleaned up outside, brought livio in and laid him down, gathered ingredients and started cooking...

how long did he sit on that couch for before he moved. how much and how hard did he cry. we didn't see that either. we don't need to.

knives. he's smearing blood on his face again.

his laughter... i don't think he finds this funny like "haha funny" necessarily, i think he's just losing it.

vash defends the orphanage and knives doesn't even push it. he just moves on. hmm, i'm trying to articulate this... vash's display of power used up more of his life, which knives noticed obviously, and vash is willing to go that far to protect the orphanage... knives still doesn't want vash to die, and... he's laughing out of disbelief, or something like that. i don't know.

vash and livio sharing a meal together is... it's nice. but vash is still clearly very angry. with livio, with razlo, with himself too probably.

i don't know. i'm not angry with livio or razlo at all. they were both victims of chapel same as wolfwood. this is all chapel's fault in my mind, lol.

oh.

we're gonna see this in stampede too, aren't we. wolfwood will die for a third time and we're gonna see vash holding the punisher.

the fact that this volume doesn't even have the goofy author extra... we're just forced to sit with this. man. the book club wasn't kidding, it's so much worse the second time around. the first time i cried a little but i was mostly just taking it all in. the second time i was like actually heaving and sobbing. reading this volume twice within a few days was a BAD IDEA.

AND WE STILL HAVE FOUR VOLUMES LEFT. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GO ON AFTER THIS. four entire volumes without wolfwood...

#trigunbookclub #trigun talk #june speaks #sorry if this is incomprehensible i was crying too much while outlining this and i don't want to read the volume AGAIN #i'm surprised at how much i had to say about razlo in this volume... i ended up finding him more interesting than i thought i would...

[good7luck]

My quick ramblings about VNC manga chapter 62 part 1

(more under the cut)

.

Time flied again, and now ch 62 part 2 is coming or already out XD so I'm roughly writing some bits at least asdfg

.

.

I wrote some depressing prediction for this chapter, and I'm glad things didn't go that (physically violent) way, especially for Noe :) Vani stood up (as he should, cuz he is part of the cause) and "solved" the problem...by being verbally violent asdfg Anyway, I still feel something similar to that might happen at some point, though ^^;

I'm anxious about Johann for several reasons, but for now...I feel so sorry for him that he had to perform that much to "smoothly" solve(TM) the uncomfortable situation and protect his family ;_; I just...don't know what (proper words) to say, and I hate it :(

I'm happy to be quite right about Riche X) It's a huuuge shame that the anime completely cut out her cute interaction with Noe in the Catacombs :/ It wouldn't have taken too many minutes ://

.

a little or a lot negative from here, with some potentially triggering words

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Apparently...some people think it's a bad / problematic writing decision that "white" Vani enlightens "black" Noe about "racism" towards Dham...as if the narrative / context was meant to mock Noe or such?? Also, as if similar situations (not just about racism) never happen in real life?? Honestly, they seem to be the ones who are somehow obsessed with the skin color tone of fictional characters the most lol

Like...did Vani have to leave Noe ignorant as he was, then? Was there any other "better" person (ex. "black" Dham) to explain "better" at the moment?? It doesn't even look like what Vani said was particularly wrong, either - especially compared to the situation when Luca "explained" to Vani/Noe what the Book of Vanitas does(TM), and then Vani got annoyed and tried to fix his (Luca's) wrong idea/info (not to mention Blue Moon clan is a discriminated minority as well).

For some imaginary example in regards to real life - it's said 99% of people are allosexual and only 1% are asexual in the world. It may happen that some asexual person never realized oneself being asexual and suffered from it for so long alone, and some allosexual person who happened to know a lot could notice what's going on and introduce "asexual" to the asexual person in a sincerely kind / helpful manner, "saving / freeing" the one, even.

Isn't it a good thing to learn about something "new" that is necessary "in any way (not offensive!!)", rather than staying behind and unintentionally repeating the same negative situation, if not causing worse things? Not everyone is lucky to get to know something or everything "naturally" or "normally" by a specific "proper" age.

Besides, Noe is understandably ignorant (like us readers / audiences) in canon from the beginning, with all his unfortunate, traumatic, and isolated childhood backstories and extremely limited interactions with other people... Noe's such huge, naive ignorance indirectly tells something about the "Teacher" Shapeless One as well! which is quite subtle from MJ-sensei XD

IDK now I'm curious if they called it a bad writing, too (and called MJ-sensei racist), when "black" Noe turned out to have been treated as a chained slave / property in the black market and "taken" by "white" Shapeless One...as if it's all meant to look "pure positive"? What about the scene where "white" Domi put a chain on "black" Noe's neck? Was it only great because it's "female dominant"?? lol :/ I also remember that not so long ago - "white" Misha enslaved "black" Noe and violated him in multiple, stressful ways (including the rapey blood-drinking)...and yet, the fandom mostly felt so sorry for the "white assaulter" Misha much more and got sooo disappointed / mad at the "black victim" Noe for "daring to" fiercely fight back and hurt his face, NOT "gently" pushing him away or (just forgetting about kidnapped Domi his important childhood friend and) "angelically" understanding him (the abuser) and "eagerly" protecting him as a "mere obedient black slave" of his "poor young white master" aka Stockholm syndrome lol =_=

.

.

This was not going to be this long and this petty, but it happened midway, sorry asdfg

Thank you for reading my subjective opinions so far!

#vnc spoilers #vanitas no carte spoilers #vnc #vanitas no carte #vanitas no shuki #les memoires de vanitas #the case study of vanitas #memoir of vanitas #not tagging anyone #good7luck

[moondyad]

9 people you'd like to get to know better

got tagged twice so now i gotta do it, thanks for tagging @dirtbag-linecook-kyloren and @ashcrow !

1. Three ships: kylux (obviously), ineffable husbands, and blackbonnet. although, i'm usually too absorbed with kylux to care about other ships i like lol

2. First ever ship: i've shipped characters since before i knew what that even meant but... the first ship where i was part of the fandom/participated? davejohn 💀 we don't talk about that anymore though

3. Last song: Turbulent by Waterparks, tbh i only listen to the 8 different kylux-themed playlists i've made

4. Last film: i work at a movie theatre so i see every movie that comes out lol Divinity. I can see the vision the director/screenwriter was going for, but it didn't quite hit imo

5. Currently reading: i have a funny brain that only lets me sit down and read about my hyperfixations, so i have to multitask to get through regular books. audible my beloved. current audiobook - Thrawn Ascendancy by Timothy Zahn (ch.4). current fic - In Memoria

6. Currently watching: The Bear on Hulu, not sure how i feel about it yet

7. Currently consuming: halloween candy: milkyways, 3 musketeers, and reese's cups

8. Currently craving: ummm idk haha i have what i want, chocolate

tags! (but no pressure) @kylo-skywalkerr @kylorensl @drinkysketch @tatedoodles @tomatette @dragonflies-draw-flame @flowerstheatre @gardening-darling @heartmanor

[sunnydaleherald]

The Sunnydale Herald Newsletter, Tuesday, April 2

Dreg: It's strange. A body might ask what exactly it is you think you're doing. He might ask what all this was meant to accomplish. Because to a humble postulant, it looks like chaos. Like unnecessary attention drawn where it ought not to be. Ben: (angrily) Get out! Dreg: Sir. Sir, forgive me. I just want to understand. Why summon the Queller? Ben: What do you think? Because I'm cleaning up Glory's mess. Just like I've done my whole damn life.

~~Buffy Season 5 Episode #87: "Listening To Fear"~~

[Drabbles & Short Fiction]

Pipes and Debts (Buffy/Spike, T) by veronyxk84

[Chaptered Fiction]

The Watching of Watchers Ch. 1 (Spike/Drusilla, T) by Scar_Eve

Bad Blood |BTVS| Book Two Ch. 18 (OC, Ensemble, unrated) by BrunetteMarionette

Weight of the World Ch. 3 (Buffy/Spike, unrated) by Enigmatist

Love Lives Here Ch. 43/100 (Buffy/Summers, E) by Passion4Spike

No Going Back Ch. 18 (Willow/Tara, M) by Tru2urheart

Goodbye to Everything That I Knew Ch. 27/30 (Buffy/Spike, M) by My_Barbaric_Yawp

lost behaviours of a self-destructive mind Ch. 6 (Buffy/Xander, Buffy/Spike, M) by EmilytheSlayer

Staying Afloat Ch. 2 (Willow/Oz, T) by dwinchester

In Case You Haven't Noticed... CH. 8 (Buffy/Giles, E) by Sdhuskerfan

… A Stranger I Go Hence Ch. 11 (Faith/OC, M) by MalkMcJorma

Recommencer Ch. 10 (Buffy/Faith, M) by FridayQueen

If We Could Freeze Time Ch. E (Buffy/Spike, E) by cosplayermadness

Do as Romans do Ch. 23 (Dawn/Spike, T, French language) by OldGirl-NoraArlani

One Girl in All the World Ch. 43 (Buffy/Faith, T) by Brenna's Urbangirl Projects

The Neighbor's Point of View, Chapter 96 (Buffy/Spike, G) by the_big_bad

Early One Morning , Chapter 29 (Buffy/Spike, E) by all choseny

Dusk Rising, Chapter 38 (Buffy/Spike, E) by HappyWhenItRains

Key Moment, Chapter 1 (Buffy/Spike, T) by mcgnagallsarmy

The Boyfriend Swap, Chapter 4 (Buffy/Spike, E) by Maxine Eden

Hello Cutie, Chapter 2 (Buffy/Spike, E) by CheekyKitten

Forever and Always?, Chapter 21-25 (Buffy/Spike, M) by scratchmeout

Bang, Chapter 16-20 (Buffy/Spike, E) by scratchmeout

Bad Idea, Right?, Chapter 16-20 (Buffy/Spike, M) by scratchmeout

Sculpture of Dance , Chapter 7-10 (Buffy/Spike, M) by Desicat

Family Business, Chapter 1 (Buffy/Spike, T) by ClowniestLivEver

[Images, Audio & Video]

Artwork:ats themed doodles () by genericaces

Video: BUFFY & ANGEL X MIDNIGHTS (11 Bangel vids) by bangelism

Artwork:Willow Rosenberg vs Danzu from Naruto () by MattanzaMFedora

Artwork:Leather for Leisure (Buffy/Spike) by satinsafe

[Reviews & Recaps]

PODCAST: Episode 117: Flooded by Mythtaken

[Community Announcements]

It’s event time at Elysian Fields! by elysianfieldsarchive

[Fandom Discussions]

god, wesley and cordelia’s friendship really gets me. by summerroomspring

do the scoobies ever find out about the wishverse? by summerroomspring

Honestly when you really think about it the whole Acathla thing is really kind of silly. by bloomfish

It’s so obvious to me by danceandsing

The thing about Spike and Angel by spangelmybeloved

I forgot that they introduced Xander by having him zooming along on his skateboard. by nicnacsnonsense

I’m actually so upset we never saw Buffy celebrate Easter by fictiongods

Spike from Buffy isn’t actually a bad poet; he was just born in the wrong generation. by penny-anna

Top 10 Spuffy fics I’ve read (March 2024) by mcgnagallsarmy

when Buffy called frappuccinos “trendy, but tasty!” I thought it was funny the first time. by zorilleerrant

btvs season 1 episode 10 “nightmares” is a story about abuse by fallingtowers

Faith and Angel was such a good relationship by bloomfish

The scene in season seven where Buffy is expressing to Spike that she’s happy he hit Faith is actually so painful to me. by fictiongods

if Buffy did an April Fools Day episode by angelthemanspanker

This will never not make me laugh lol by AxelNoir

Favorite Riley Scene by Berry-Pie216

Season 5x18 Intervention Kiss by Kindofaddictedtotv

Wild at Heart - What If edition by dragonsrawesomesauce

As much as we all love and appreciate her, were there any times you felt Buffy was the one who was actually in the wrong? by InfiniteMehdiLove

The difference in which charmed and buffy depict the goddess of witchcraft Hecate by Busy_Supermarket9006

Angel Season 4 by la_noix

I can’t stop thinking about this y’all by MCGameTime

Desires for Reboot by roverandrover6

One Buffy episode that “saved” your life. by redditwatcher11

What’s your favorite joke or one-liner of Xander’s? by funishin

PODCAST: Still the Queen: Looking Back on Buffy 25 Years Later by Nerdcrash

Submit a link to be included in the newsletter!

Join the editor team :)

#btvs #meta #buffy the vampire slayer #fan art #fan fiction #angel the series

[maddies-chronicles]

@hiya-itsamber you convinced me to start the inheritence games series- i'm on chapter 14 of book 1. here are my thoughts:

i'm making an inheritence games DR for sure. avery just got bequeathed a wholeass mansion where she now lives with four rich, hot dudes. like obviously i want that.

speaking of, i went into this book knowing i was going to pick a guy. no two ways about it. so my thoughts on each boy thus far:

grayson is annoying so far. also one of my DR brothers is called grayson, so i think i'd feel weird about liking grayson. also, he's not very bright, i feel. he acts like he is, but he's also not viewing avery in the logical sense, despite literally priding himself on being the most business-y, factual brother.

nash is okay? i haven't seen much of him yet. he kinda reminds me of a guy i don't like, so i'm not super fond, but that's not really his fault. irl boy just spoiled cowboys/texas for me forever 😐

xander is cool but i have an ex named alex so idk... but so far i like his personality. he reminds me of leo, whom i obviously adore.

jameson... good lord, i'm in danger. witty, puppy-dog, and just a touch self-destructive? save me now. plus his name is james(on) which automatically places me in danger of falling in love. besides the riddles? the games?? good lord that boy is mine.

libby is a saint, and drake should die. avery's a stronger soul than me, because i woulda knocked a bastard out.

(timeskip here from me reading up to ch 14 to like ch 48-ish)

rahhhh okay. soft spot for grayson. soft spot for xander. jameson may have lost my favour, after saying everything with avery was a game. girl i'd be PISSED if some rich white mfer said that to me. but he did also literally shield avery with his body when they were being shot at, so... idk maybe he's a little bit forgiven. also, i'm not fond of this emily chick, but i will tell you i think she has something to do with why avery inherited the estate.

avery's mom died because she didn't get a transplant. emily had some kind of congenital heart condition. those two things are related, i just don't know how yet. maybe emily got the transplant that avery's mother was supposed to get, hence the apology? but emily died due to her heart condition (supposedly) so maybe not.

super proud of myself for knowing the middle names were meant to be places and not surnames right off the bat. also, definitely knew emily was two-timing grayson and jameson (although ngl... avery's kinda doing that too, but i think maybe for her it's not as intentional). also also? the parents' blatant favouritism of emily over rebecca?? sucks balls. i love rebecca so far. she's gonna be the traitor. if amber didn't love him so much, it would be between rebecca and nash, honestly. they both seem like kind, caring people, but the focus isn't on them so they slip under the radar.

i know i'm not supposed to like thea but like. she's awesome. i do like her. which is hilarious, because i'm not supposed to like her, but especially hilarious because she dated xander and i adore xander. even though you don't see much of him, you can tell he's got just as much as the other hawthorne boys going on under the surface, and i've always tripped and fallen in love for a good enigma of a boy.

i know something's happening with max, but i'm ignoring that in favour of the plot for now, but mostly because max is in another state. if she was in texas, i would be looking at her more closely. unrelated- toby is definitely alive, right?

sorry to everyone else who follows me who definitely thinks i'm insane lol

[jashne-bahaaraa]

ok so ch 92

#it says that from ch 93 onwards we'll get to know more about mo/ran's previous life?? so i'm just going to stop here now lol #don't wanna start and get all excited and not sleep tonight #i might be busy tomorrow? #so better sleep well #as much as i wanna start ch 93 i think it's better if i don't and sleep ffs #i have so many questions #kt seems that there's some kinda relationship between shi/mei and that cloaked person??? #i think s/m knows that that cloaked person gave m/r that virtue spell or smth but seeing them hand in hand made him doubt smth?? #but what? idk i'm only speculating here sighh I hate using my brain like this #i wanted to at least finish book 1 today but ig it wasn't meant to be #besides i bet there's a huge cliffhanger at the end of book 1 so it's for the best that i didn't finish it #also chu/wanning pls i will never get over just how cool he is aaaaaaaa #someone was like 'well how would yk? the only who knows that is the one who created it' #and c/w was like 'bitch i created it so stfu' #i fucking love him so much #ny reads: er/ha

[headoverheelsforramsey]

Hiiiii! Here are this week's different questions lol

Not Yet Wed Questions

Note: Great Scott! This week, we are going back in time to MC’s intern year. Think of Ethan’s relationship with them at this point and answer the following questions accordingly. It is entirely up to you when in year 1 this takes place (pre/post Miami, pre/post CH 15, etc). Feel free to answer with dialogue or pictures or both :) Have fun!

No worries. All of this is off the record and HR will never know!

The setting for this answers is:

For Both

When I first saw them, I thought__________

What is your coworker's most used swear word?

Quick: What color are their eyes?

Three people at work your coworker hates?

What is your coworker’s strangest or most endearing quirk?

If they had a crush on anyone at work, who would that be?

(Bonus round! Feel free to skip.)

Never have I Ever:

come into work hungover

had a fistfight

been kicked out of a bar

gotten a tattoo

broken someone’s heart

been in love

For MC (Ethan is not there)

Where do you see him in five years (both professionally and in his personal life?)

What do you find the most impressive about him?

Last thing he texted you?

If he asked you out on a date, what would you say?

For Ethan (MC is not there)

Where do you see him in five years (both professionally and in his personal life?)

What specifically do you find attractive about her?

Last thing she texted you?

If she asked you out on a date, how would you respond?

Hello Hello Bree! My weekly dose of sunshine has arrived! 🤗

Sorry this took so long I am literally neck deep in assignments.

Anyways can I just say that these questions were just brilliant!! Book 1 is so close to our hearts and Ethan MC dynamic back in the day was priceless. 😂

Just a fair warning this contains a lot of pinching noses and rolling eyes because that's what book 1 Ethan used to do all the time. So now let the fun begin! 🤩

The setting for this answers is: Post Chap 15, before the ethics trial.

Ethan : Remind me again why I am doing this?

Meera : Because you are unemployed and have a lot of free time, also because I asked nicely? (with puppy eyes)

Ethan (Rolls eyes)

FOR BOTH

When I first saw them, I thought__________

*Both of them wait for each other to answer*

Ethan : You go first, this was your idea.

Meera : Oh boy. Why do I have the feeling you are going to hate me even more after this?

Ethan : I can't hate you more than I did when I first met you.

Meera (expectantly) : So you are saying the hatred for me has declined since then?

Ethan : Just answer the damn question.

Meera : Okay fine. I thought "why is this person being so rude to me? I am still a kid I am still learning. Such an asshole, gotta keep outta his path."

Ethan (looks at her amused) : I thought "ah shit here we go again. A new bunch of nerve wrecking idiotic interns incoming."

Meera (dramatically opens her mouth and places her hands on her chest) : Ouch! Rude!

Ethan (sly grin)

What is your coworker's most used swear word?

Meera : Jesus. Christ. Jesus Christ. He is religious that way. (winks)

Ethan : Very funny Rookie. She on the other hand has an explicit vocabulary in slangs but I think I have heard holy shit, holy cow, holy fuck the most.

Meera (excitedly) : See I am religious too. Also look at us twining in swears.

Quick: What color are their eyes?

Meera (immediately) : Ocean Blue! No, Celestial blue!

Ethan (looks at Meera, surprised)

Meera (suddenly concious) : Blue. Just plain simple blue.

Ethan (thinks for a moment)

Meera (puts a hand over her eyes)

Ethan : What are you doing?

Meera : I won't let you cheat.

Ethan : Cheat? I don't cheat.

Meera : Ofcourse the great Ethan Ramsey doesn't cheat. Then go ahead and ans---

Ethan : Dark brown.

Meera (impressed with him)

Three people at work your coworker hates?

Meera (heaves out a long dramatic sigh) : Ask me whom he doesn't?

Ethan : I tolerate most of them though.

Meera (chuckles) : I think it'll be Dr. Thorne, Dr. Myles and Dr. Hirata. Atleast these are the ones he complains about the most.

Ethan : Hmm. Fair enough. Bose here obviously hates that back stabbing "friend" whose name I'd rather die than learn. And I think Dr. Emery and Dr. Mirani also falls under this list.

Meera : Full point for the first one, but I think Aurora is a good person overall, she has some issues, which we need to work out. And I don't hate Zaid, I just don't like how he is always in a grumpy melancholic mood.

Ethan : Which is very justified of him given that he has to work with the interns the majority of his work hours.

What is your coworker’s strangest or most endearing quirk?

Meera : Easy, pinching the bridge of his nose and rolling his eyes when annoyed, which is all the time by the way.

Ethan : I think adjusting her glasses when it threatens to slip from her nose and forming her lips in a strange way when concentrating.

Bree : I am sorry doctor could you just explain the last part better.

Ethan (rolls his eyes and tries to do his best impression of Meera's pout)

Meera (chuckles) : That's not how it's done, Ethan. This is how it's done (pouts)

Ethan : Yeah same thing.

If they had a crush on anyone at work, who would that be?

Ethan : Crush? What are we? Highschool students? I am not answering that. (prepares to leave)

Meera : I think it might be Dr. Emery.

Ethan (stops short on his way out, turns around and takes a seat again) : Really Rookie? Fine you want to know her crush? It's that scalpel jockey, or that paramedic guy she is so friends with or maybe that other Indian intern roomate she has.

Meera : What! No. They are my friends. What made you think that?

Ethan : What made you think Harper is my crush?

Bree : Okay doctors let's move on to the next round.

Never have I Ever:

come into work hungover

Meera : Nope!

Ethan : Never. We are doctors we might get someone loose their life.

had a fistfight

Meera : Yes.

Ethan (looks at her unbelievingly) : I thought you were the harmless kind.

Meera (smugly) : I am mostly harmless, untill you get on my bad side. What about you?

Ethan : I'll have to say no.

Meera : You punched Nash though.

Ethan : He didn't punch me back, so doesn't count Rookie.

been kicked out of a bar

Meera : Unfortunately yes.

Ethan : Unfortunately yes too.

Meera : What?! The great Ethan Ramsey?

Ethan : Stop calling me that. I am a human afterall and I had some very stupid friends back in med school.

gotten a tattoo

Ethan : No.

Meera : Yes.

Ethan (smirks)

broken someone’s heart

Meera : Not that I know off

Ethan : I am not proud of it but yes.

been in love

Ethan : No.

Meera : Expected. For me it's yes. Maybe it didn't last but I can't say what we had wasn't love.

For Meera (Ethan is not there)

Where do you see him in five years (both professionally and in his personal life?)

He thinks he won't practice medicine anymore because he can't solve Naveen's case but I know he won't be able to resist helping people and ofcourse that is what Naveen always wanted. So, professionally, he is doing wonders. Inspiring thousands of hearts, guiding hundreds of young doctors and saving millions of lives. The diagnostic team has becomes globally recognised. He has written another book or two. Maybe won the Lasker Awards.

Personally, I hope he is happy and not lonely. He needs someone by his side. Someone who can tolerate his sarcasm and critisisim. Someone who will put a smile on his face when he wakes up beside her. Maybe he'll have a family, if that someone is really strong-willed. (let's out a dry laugh)

What do you find the most impressive about him?

His passion for what he does. He just lights up and enrapts the entire room when he speaks about medicine. And I just get lost in the sea of passion in his eyes. Also his stubbornness and unwillingness to give up is really impressive.

Last thing he texted you?

I'll show you wait.

He ordered about half a dozen books on Medical Law and Ethics for me.

If he asked you out on a date, what would you say?

(stays silent for a long time)

I don't think so he will. Like the chances are really really thin but trust me if he does I wouldn't dare say no. (colour rises to her cheeks)

But yes that's in a different world. A world in which we don't live. (sighs wistfully)

For Ethan (Meera is not there)

Where do you see her in five years (both professionally and in his personal life?)

If she manages to save her lisence she'll be a wonderful doctor. She'll save innumerable lives and be one of the brightest stars in medicine. I am sure she'll secure a spot on the DT and maybe even lead it someday. She'll make me proud. (smiles genuinely)

Personally I hope she'll be with someone who loves her more than anything and that she is with literally anybody else but that scalpel jockey. She'll have a loving caring partner who'll cook her meals when she comes home from a twelve hour shift. She'll have amazing friends especially the ones she has now. They really love her and they didn't think twice before helping her out with Mrs. Martinez's case.

Maybe she'll have a family. A few kids who will also grow up to show a stunning reflection of their mother.

What specifically do you find attractive about her?

Ethan : I can't say attractive but I'll say I like her personality. She has a magnetic one that makes sure to turn heads any time she walks into a room. Also I love that she cares so deeply about people and she is willing to go out of her way to put a smile on these people's face. Like for example Mrs. Martinez.

Bree : So is this "like" or "love"?

Ethan : Did I? Did I just say love? I am so sorry I meant like.

Bree : Could you enlist something physically attractive about her?

Ethan : If I have to. I'd say I love, er... like, like her laughter. It literally brightens the entire room. (blushes)

Last thing she texted you?

"Thank you Ethan"

If she asked you out on a date, how would you respond?

(sighs) I would feel lucky to go on a date with her, but right now in this situation? It's too complicated. I can't jeopardize her career, so it's a no form me, despite my actual feelings.

This was so fun! Thank you once again @jamespotterthefirst

Tagging my usual : @starrystarrytrouble @mm2305 @charisworld @choicesfanaf @potionsprefect @genevievemd  @shanzay44 @little-flowers-on-heaven @schnitzelbutterfingers  @coffeeheartaddict @gryffindordaughterofathena @chemist-ana @adiehardfan @custaroonie @ireneadlerisseggsy @takemyopenheart @natureblooms24 @mainstreetreader @izzyourresidentlawyer @a-crepusculo @quixoticdreamer16 @starryeyedrookie @barbean

Please let me know if you want to be added or removed. And if you want to sit out only the answers to the ask games hit me up too. There won't be any hard feelings. I promise. 💜

#newlyweds game with our host bree #queen bree supremacy! #ethan x meera #asked and answered #messrprongs

[genuflectx]

Notes from Truth of the Divine

- All 4 parts of the book are named after Beatle songs or lyrics. Part 1 is from Hey Jude, part 2 is from I’m Looking Through You, part 3 is from A Day in the Life, and part 4 is just Happiness is a Warm Gun. If you’re not a loser like I am you might have realized that but alas, I had to look up the part titles to notice, lol. So guess TOTD is just a songfic huh

- Stelo (Star) and Krias (Shout/Scream) are the “hidden Starscream.” They share no other attributes with him, other than rebelling against their leader, Espras. They go on to take the legal names Andronicus “Andy” and Junia “June.” It is unclear who took what name, but you can probably assume since Stelo and Krias as a couple are only ever called Stelo and Krias, not Krias and Stelo, that Stelo is PROBABLY Andy and Krias is PROBABLY June. But don’t quote me on that, it isn’t confirmed.

- I theorize Stelo and Krias could be bonded and possibly showed us high language without us realizing it. Knowing more about high language from totd makes me look at how they spoke and moved in tandem in Axiom’s End with suspicious eyes. They acted like there was no “medium” between them; they moved at the same time, and they spoke as if one unit.

- Chapter 4, reference to Douglas Adam's book Life, the Universe, and Everything. Literally just reference to the book’s name though.

- I'm inclined to think the thoughts from page 33 weren't all Cora's, considering even she was questioning why she was having the thoughts at all. At the same time Ampersand admits to "desiring" her right after- in the high language sense- but it would have interesting implications if desire to communicate with high language = sensation of wanting to have sex in human Cora's brain. Someone had to have been influencing someone. Or maybe their mutual desire influenced each other?

- Physeterine is the name of the sister species. Google says: “Like or related to a sperm-whale; of or pertaining to the Physeterinæ.”

- "Unlike the smooth, bare emptiness of the first chamber, this one was cluttered, the walls papered with what almost looked like giant honeycombs."

- Page 84: Obelus in Cefo’s body trying to speak human language.  "kezīhi befīti beneberikibeti gīzē 'ayini wisit'i mayeti ālichalihimi" - he shall not be able to stand- but other words translate as a bunch of diff languages and couldn't get google translate to work with any of them. I assume they're all from polysynthetic languages so translation to English is difficult without knowing what I’m meant to be translating. Also note at the time, my phone could not make all the accent marks that were present, so that may have messed it up. "lorem ipsum, vi estas same kiel angelo, via hauto min ploras" - "lorem ipsum, you are like an angel, your skin cries for me." This second sentence seems like it's made of only non-polysynthetic languages, so it translates better, but still sounds odd. It's hard to guess what he means; my only guess is "your skin cries for me" means he can tell Cora is afraid of him? Sweating? But it feels out of character for Obelus to call a human an angel; he more likely used “angel” in place of a different meaning, like a strange being, or a beautiful alien? It just definitively did not actually mean a real angel. Lorem is a shortened word for pain, but lorem ipsum is gibberish place holder text.

- Totd says Cora had a bad break up with her girlfriend of two+ months in college then an ex boyfriend from high school (ch 21). But in Axiom’s End, the girlfriend was from high school (ch 13) and lasted 6 weeks, no boyfriend mentioned. Either this is an accidental inconsistency or Cora had actually dated 3 people before Ampersand, two girls and one guy. Or, alternatively, she lied about the high school relationship being a boy just to use it as means to imply she was bi. Text not clear?

- Chapter 24; not bonded, Nik calls Kaveh "mine." Later, Nik seems to imply by “mine” he meant humanity as a whole. Humanity was “his” discovery, as was his “dear clever creature” Kaveh.

- Circling. A behavior seen more than once, so thus it must have a reason. Ampersand circled Cora in the desert when she is nervous and he says he won't let anything happen to her. Nik circled Cora in the desert before giving his metaphors; specifically one and a half circles.

- Obelus left "resources" in earth's orbit. This was mentioned in one sentence and never again. It could come back in book 3, considering they wanted to leave Earth.

- Cora Emiliana Sabino, 5'5'', 110 pounds at time she left with Nik. Still underweight for her height.

- Paris was left with one earbud and Nik says he will “meet her again.” I assume this is foreshadowing. If so, Nik will be likely woken from his coma in book 3 and Paris will be there at some point. Considering she was so close to Kaveh, it makes sense for Nik to be close to Paris.

Esperanto to English translation for all known Fremda

(This part was long so stuck it at the end)

chief (cefo) wait (espras) arm (brako) leg target happy eye I know (scivo) (x1) lemma duck (x1) wasp ideal contact intentions logi (to live inside; to dwell) expert proxima (approximate) flash silver white duck (x2) seduce word side to begin year fish bird house star (stelo) shouts (krias) kaši (to hide) fog top problem dika (thick/fat) night dolča (sweet) I thought belto (this doesn’t translate at any esparanto sites, but google translate recognizes it as still being esparanto?) water green book power extra I know (scio) (wiki says it also means knowledge) (x2)

#axioms end #axiom's end #truth of the divine #lindsay ellis #books #truth of the divine spoilers #totd spoilers #finished my slower second reading so here ya go

[hazelcephalopod]

The Great Hunt Ch 3-4

That paranoia is really hitting hard. Plans are made and revealed. Things are not always as the seem.

Disclaimer: this is my first read thru but I’ve watched all of the show thus far and been spoiled on some book things. So… I’m going to lean into that. Enjoy figuring out what I know, and what I think I know, and what I just don’t. Also s/x I add commentary when I edit.

Spoilers for the first and second book and all of season 1 under the cut. Potential spoilers for later books -idk if they’re light spoilers or not.

Ch 3: Friends and Enemies

A large blade

Rand POV

Oh yes. Still trying to get out. Good for you

Truly admirable grift attempts there

Ah yes hammer the paranoia down. Being watched again

Dude… there’s a way out. If you, open yourself to it… ol’ Devils Bargain

“What served to keep Trollocs out in the last extreme served just as well to keep him in.” -(Rand)

… like a steel trap

I joke but this is terrifying.

He got kids right there. Yea

Enjoying the ‘Rand being mistaken for a lord’ gag honestly.

“In the woodyard, the presence returned, the sense of someone there. The feel of eyes peering at him around tall piles of split firewood under the long sheds… He refused to look around, refused to think no of how one awry of eyes could move from place to place so fast… without even a flicker of movement that he could see. He was sure it was one set of eyes.” -(Rand) dreading being called before the Amyrlin Seat. And probably going crazy.

… not good that I’m sure of.

Like he does have some reason to be afraid. It’s not entirely irrational. The feeling eyes on him tho, that’s… something a little less rational.

“Shienaran Welcome”. Cool

It isn’t fair! Let Loial play dice too!

Well it was a good idea Rand

Huh. So Ogier cites can be destroyed then. I suppose that makes sense

Well I’m glad someone noticed he is Distressed.

Mat! Perrin!

That is the correct time to go

That fucking dagger

Which I’m still mad about! (Editor: I meant the clothes thing)

Mat trying so hard to be a voice of reason I wish he was correct

Yea probably dead. Or worse

Yea. They are not going to abandon you. Not with the info they have. Good on them…

And Mat has used up all his common sense points for the day. Perrin?!

…he came thru

Also “If that is how you want it… I thought we were….However you want it al’Thor. But if I decide to leave at the same time you do, I’ll go, and you can stand clear of me.” -Mat at Rand’s outburst trying to push his friends away. >.>

Then Perrin tells them both ‘no one can leave guys. Stop being so dramatic’

Currently finding Mats pouting endearing. You mad at destiny? Miss Rand basically carrying your ass thru the country? Too bad!

Egwene!

She’s right. Stop pushing your friends away.

First Rand’s own sword digging into his side -in this book! This time its because Egwene jumped on him and knocked them both over. Usually it was he slept on it last book

There is so much in that analogy to unpack. I don’t want to tho

Also when she’s literally sitting on him

Yes! Stop!

Ok come now. You just a) jumped on and knocked him over; b) sat on him; c) threatened to catch him on fire. That is also resorting to force.

… oh yea he did point that out.

Like overall she’s right about he needs to stop trying to run from his Friends. But also… everyone needs better communication skills

How about you promise never to use the One Power too?

… just saying. Like I don’t think she should but I know it’s like, not easy to resist. It’s nice in concept only

Yea see! That there is why you talk to your friends. They make good points. Usually Egwene or Perrin. Occasionally Mat. “Why should the Amyrlin Seat, or any Aes Sedai but Moiraine, even know you exist?” -Egwene

… she has a point. Like still get away from them ASAP. But, maybe try to hide first with your friends. Until, you have to reassess

Thank you Egwene. Hide in the dungeon!

Stop visiting Fain!

Is… is Fain count as bottom storage?

Oh lol. No

Moiraine. Come get your kids! They’re visiting Darkfriends in prison and having symptoms!

It’s Rand’s turn to be right about something!

The image of Egwene like chatting with Fain about her day and Emonds field is hilarious tho

I mean… he might. It’s been a bad day

Why am I suddenly suspicious of Egwene?

Tbf hard to say.

Well that’s rude and gross to say sir

Good questions and observations. This is clearly not a coveted duty (I soon learn I am right)

Prison is unethical! It sucks for everyone involved generally

That’ll do it

Well this is not going to be good for Rand’s mental health at all

Just like maybe shoulda hung out right in front of idk. The drunk guy?

Did Fain manipulate Egwene to bring him Rand?

I mean he knows the shitstorm isn’t over fo—

Did he just say Mordeth? How do you know shadow-balloon man Fain??

No it wasn’t! The dungeon part was but not the visit Fain part

She’s got a point there

He also has a point tho. Like if men were looking for him A++ idea. Women? Mm. B-

Both those things are so big. And he is so recognizable. Get a second cloak at least.

Well basically what we here is better than here?

Hey if you could open yourself up to risks you would. Air powers exist right? Idk. Move the stones.

Fain: “It’s never over, al’Thor. Never.”

Ch 4: Summoned

Horn

Well I wonder whats gonna happen? In chapter called “Summoned”

It’s Moiraine tho (take note)

Moiriane POV!!

Lore. Shawls have the FoTV on them and fringe of the owners Ajah colors. They are rarely worn outside the Tower and even then rarely outside Hall meetings.

“…beyond the Shining Walls a sight of the Flame would send too many people running, to hide or perhaps to fetch the Children of the Light. A Whitecloak’s arrow was as fatal to an Aes Sedai as to anyone else, and the Children were too wily to let an Aes Sedai see the bowman…” -Tgh

… see dangerous fools!

“Yet much of the calm was on the surface…” -(Moiraine) about her calm placid demeanor

I’m glad that they have like the various shades of color on the show. I like that change

Liandrin!

She would be the one to knock like that

… so she dyed her hair? Or eyebrows…

That’s handy. Stay Out spell

So like Aes Sedai are revered revered

Ok. That’s… it’s fine

Honestly all the more reason to stay away

Three false Dragons (henceforth fDs) in Saldaea Murandy and Tear. Tear? Huh…

That is 6 in two years total then

“…will be dealt with also. This male vermin and any ragtag rabble who follow…” -Liandrin on the fDs. Well she’s as lovely as on the show isn’t she? /s

Ah sry Logain. Fucked for life.

… srsly killing them sounds more humane

At least two fDs couldn’t channel?! That’s funny to me. (Editor me so two sets of dragons. 1/3 each time could channel. With Rand that’s three sets of channeling potential Dragons 1/3 of which are the dragon)

So Kandor, Arad Doman, Ghealdan, Saldaea, Murandy, and Tear

And this time only the one in Saldaea is known to channel, but has no followers.

…ok basically all of them are dealt with. Cool

Want to keep the heat off yours

Why give him the dragon clothes then?

“If the girl shows as much initiative in Tar Valon… she will sit in the Amyrlin Seat one day. If she can learn to control that initiative. If there is an Amyrlin Seat left on which to sit.” -(Moiraine) thoughts on seeing Egwene sneaking Rand into her quarters.

An undervalued skill that.

Elayne! Gawyn!

Of course she did

So they don’t take the Oathrod vows?

The horn!

Correct!

Ok. The juicy stuff. Rumors! The Sea folk are agitated and believe their chosen one, Coramoor, is coming. The Aiel are restless and no one knows why.

Facts: there are Aes Sedai among the Sea Folk. There are non among the Aiel.

Really? She gathered quite a bit of intelligence. Spies are boring nerds really. Good ones at least

Ah the real good stuff. Almoth Plain… oh. Boat people.

Are you fishing Moiraine?

Quick to change the subject Liandrin?

She comes! … Siuan!

Brown Ajah! Yes! Verin Mathwin and Sarafelle

Good for them!

Carlinya, White Ajah.

Alanna! Green of course

Leanne. Blue Ajah. Interesting Hall members wear a stole of their Ajah color

Oh right the horn!

Siuan Sanche, fisherman’s daughter, Amyrlin Seat of 10 years. Wears the Amyrlin’s rainbow stole. Was blue Ajah

“…strength of the girl who had survived the streets of the Maule, Tear’s port district…” -Tgh on Siuan Sanche, Amyrlin Seat

Y’all fucked farms up to get there fast? Ya no wonder people don’t like ya

Imo genders would feel more equal if everyone didn’t lowkey hate the Aes Sedai. Amongst other things

Oh Elaida. Mm.

Moraine upon hearing the Red Ajah found one channeler ‘I found two girls from the Two Rivers who can channel. Both powerful as shit’ and thinking (I also found the effing Dragon) (Editor me. Or possibly insinuating she has an important update on the quest)

So less channelers. Less powerful. Less people in the White Tower.

Oh fuck you Elaida

I somehow don’t trusts Elaida’s judgment on such things

Siuan subtlety telling Moiriane ‘babe Elaida is fucking up all our plans. Maybe? Plz tell me I’m wrong.’

(… I shall be reading all this as if they were still a couple btw. I will not be taking criticism on this)

Ok but you know intentions don’t really matter with ta’veren

Why? Becaus she’s traveling with a ta’veren? Or failed to report it?

So the Greens and Reds are plotting with each other. Which breaks the 1k year Green-Blue alliance

So Reds just really suck usually huh?

Are the ballots secret?

Like stope electing blues maybe?!

Sounds like the Tower is having series issues too

K

Secret Alliance!

Love that this chapter was not at all about Rand. That is a great twist after the last 3 chapters

#series of many thoughts on twot #< block or filter to stop seeing these posts #Tgh #tgh spoilers #the Great Hunt #the wheel of time #wheel of time #wot #wot book spoilers #twot book spoilers #twot book

[rosyk]

Deja vu

pairing: bang chan x reader, (a bit of han jisung x reader)

genre: heavy angst, passion, romance, one-sided love, bestfriends, long distance relationship

warnings: light curses, death, depression, mentions of alcohol and drugs, family problems, mentions of forced sexual activity, insecurities, anxiety, etc. (Its quite detailed in the first part and could trigger some people in these type and if you are one of them, I advice you not to read. It can really be uncomfortable on the first part)

word count: 11.5k

inspiration: Before We Knew It ch. 36-38 (webtoon), White Flowers- Olivia Rodrigo (unreleased song)

a/n: This is the least fic I loved but I had to continue it to start a new one and i won’t ever write things as long as this (it’s hard) lol. I don’t know who’ll ever read this long and cringey story but I hope it’s worth your time (?)

1

  If I were to describe a man I’d love to marry someday, it would be someone tall, doesn’t openly show their true feelings towards me, and leads me in life. However, you were the exact opposite of it.

I didn’t even know when and why I fell in love with you. Was it at first sight? No. Was it because someone told me about my indistinguishable feelings for you? No. It was like how love was portrayed in novels and books. I just knew it. Instead of leading my life, you made me, myself, want to lead and search for my future. After you happily talked about your passion for music, you made me feel as if you were the right one. It made me think, “Maybe I do want to be with him until the end of life”. I believe something great would occur and I want to be there when that happens. When the music he produces, raps he created, genres he invented, and when his voice reaches the world, I want to be on his side and be proud I was able to witness all of that. You were everything in times I was the “nothing”.

I truly wished to be a singer right from the start. My dream was unaccepted by my family because the job isn’t as stable as it seems. I had to study medicine since then. Therefore seeing you was like seeing how I could’ve been. I stopped my passion but you made me pursue the unpursued, break off the imaginary limits I had created in my mind. I developed a fear of having to try again. I never sang after years and tried to let go of my past. But you? You lifted me away from the cage of darkness I trapped myself in. My anxiety was too deep to the point I was afraid of people, nightmares, thoughts, happiness, living, being alone, home, and simply just everything.

Even I was scared of myself.

  Then I knew this is the worst a person could be. It isn’t when someone takes drugs, drinks alcohol, or flees away from home. It is when he or she no longer wants to take a step forward. I was frightened by the idea of love but also the idea of being alone. I was terrified to open up when the people closest to me never understood but was scared when I keep everything to myself too much up until I’m tired. I feared death the most, how much more if I was living? I remember cutting myself in bed when I overheard my parents fighting because of my presence. I was shaking, desperately trying to suppress my weeping. Was I sad because I didn’t have good childhood memories I could reminisce? Or was I happy for myself because that was the bravest thing I did? I was too young to understand what I truly felt but I didn’t regret a single thing.

I know the difference between wrong and right but why can’t I tell when it comes to situations that involve me? Is it wrong to think it would’ve been best if I was sleeping forever, in a depth of endless time even though I know I should live for a purpose I couldn’t find or for people who don’t care? But is it also right to live and hope miserably someone out there would find and help me even though it means staying and coping with the pain? Whenever I make a decision, I could hear trapped voices rambling in my head, time ticking as fast as my heartbeat, my soul pressuring me, and my mind that creates negative scenarios which cause me to step back before even having the chance to run. In general, I’ve had to overthink my overthinking.

I also have the habit of blaming myself. As deeper as it goes, it became my lifestyle then. I blamed myself for playing the victim as if I was the only one hurting amidst the world. I blamed myself for crying when I had no right because I gave people terrible occurrences.  I blamed myself for the inability to be brave and commit what I feared the most. I also blamed myself for silently not crying loud enough to the point that my facade turned out stronger.

Looking back, I was a total mess in which I couldn’t even call myself human. My only best friends were the mirror and my own shadow. I was 10 so I appreciated how the mirror felt the same feelings as mine. It doesn’t laugh when I cry even though the creatures surrounding me do. But for the same reason, I hated it. It reflects my despair, how horrible I looked causing me to despise it the most. My shadow on the other hand makes me feel I’m not alone at the end of the day. But I also despised it the moment my mom locked me up in my room, isolating me in darkness to forget all the traumas I had given her. Because even the shadow disappears in my darkest hours. And just like friends, it all just ended. I no longer want to feel love if love was meant to hurt.

  Years of living in hell passed by, until you came.

“You okay?”

  I was crying at the staircase in the nearest tunnel found at school. I was a 16-year-old who tried to break away from my dad’s drunken behavior. Running away was another brave thing I did but it was because the thought of him doing me was scary enough.

It was embarrassing to let you see me like this but surprise was the first reaction I had. No one ever dared to approach me because of my low status and the suspicious silence that I give. Questions filled my head as to why you bothered talking to me. Were the rumors unbelievable enough?

“I am new here but I haven’t seen you a lot in school. Are you the same as I am?”

So he’s a transferee. Honestly speaking, I was discouraged. It’s clear that he would slowly stop approaching me as soon as he knew the rumors. You introduced yourself and asked for my name. I gave you a silent treatment causing you to face my direction. We stared at each other for minutes. You finally gave up and sat beside me as I turned my gaze back at the people playing in the park, sighing heavily.

“Would you like to hear my life?” You look at me, expecting something. I turned back at you, both eyebrows raised. You showed your smile, with those little cute dimples on each side to get away from the awkward atmosphere. Trust me when I tell you that was the brightest thing I’ve ever seen in my whole life. Maybe you did show me the colors I didn’t know I needed in my life.

“Oh… I guess you don’t then? I mean why would you be interested right?” You laughed yourself off but as usual, expected some remarks from me. My eyes panicked as I shook my head quickly from side to side. My eyebrows creased as I bit my lip, hoping you understood what I meant.

“So you do want to hear it?” I shook my head up and down as an approval of your question. Unnoticeably, it was the first time I felt eager especially when it comes to humans.

“Isn’t it annoying though?” I got the hint you wanted to tease me considering your giggles but I was too caught up in assumptions that you wouldn’t continue your storytelling. Thus, I did the same thing, turning my head from side to side, trying to convince you that I desperately want to know what happens in the lives of some.

“Cute” you mumbled to yourself but I was able to hear the word that came out from you. You patted my head casually as you started to talk about your life. I grew slightly embarrassed, curling myself, holding my knees, and acted as if I didn’t hear anything.

You were transparently open in talking to the point that I finally knew what “precious” actually meant. Although it was for a moment I knew it would stop soon, you definitely saved me from all I felt.

There I knew how our lives were exact opposites. If I felt everything, the happiness, and sadness, contrasting feelings I couldn’t comprehend, you on the other hand felt nothing. As soon as your dearest brother got into an accident, you didn’t know what to do. If I had abusive and malicious parents, you had no one to be with. I couldn’t even imagine what would happen If I lived your life.

I knew I was bad for thinking of such a way but I took advantage of your life. It made me feel relieved that there were people who faced the worst monsters than I have inside me. It made me look at the positive side of mines.

Much especially when I didn’t expect it would be you. My first impression of you was this carefree pure guy who had no problems in living his life. Little did I know, you were waking up feeling nothing, smiling with no joy, cries without letting out the pain, and laughs despite the numbness and burden that weighs in your heart. I guess we can’t judge people by the way they appear. We never know how much tears they’ve shed every night.

You summarized and wrapped things up. You asked for my name one last time before leaving. But there I was, hung my head low and sniffles could be heard. You looked in confusion as I tried to cover my face. A surprise was evident in your reaction and it was obvious due to your stuttering. You tried to ask what happened but instead hugged me unconsciously.

That was the first time I’ve ever felt warmth. I was born a mistake so even my parents couldn’t give me this kind of comfort. I cried worse as I had thought of it. The idea of a stranger giving me a better meaning of how home felt like than a family does, who wouldn’t tear up after that?

I don’t want to be ahead of time. But hope filled my mind. Maybe I could find more people like him. Maybe someone out there could notice my emotions. Maybe someone could act as my light. Maybe someone does care about my wellbeing. Out of a huge percentage of people living on Earth, there should be one who could at least meet and save me right? I know I settled in all “maybes” but it was much better than having none.

2

  Recalling the series of events, I was a total problem. Yet you were always there for me no matter how heavy of a burden I am. You were the one who believed in me when I couldn’t, picked me up when I was drowning in a wave of traumas and worries, and lightened my deep void. You were my first and swore you’ll be my last, who broke my past and created my unknown beginning. I hated risks but whenever you are involved, I for sure know it is worth it no matter how many needles it may pain me. It had been years before noticing how much you mean to me I may be late, but would never get tired of this. I will listen and enjoy our memories until the end. You will, for eternal love, be my last song in my only playlist.

Although it’s true we never believed in love since the beginning. But all we do know is that we’d like to spend our whole lives together. It’s as if we were bound by the heavens to meet and help one another. With all that’s happening, I would like to assume that this is love people were talking about. Who knew it could be this powerful to change someone?

  [CHAN’S POV]

  And what happened to the “messy innocent girl who was stained by reality?” She became an unrecognizable teen, as pure as ever. In the past, I wasn’t able to feel the emotions most do but look at me now, smiling every time I see you do. Even though I’ve never felt heavy feelings, these light ones are taking a toll on me whenever you call my name.

We had arguments but never had any misunderstandings. This is all because no matter what I say, you are always by my side. I could tell you day by day how much you mean the world to me, my downfalls, and everything unnecessary but you’d still listen to it with no regrets.

Right now, we’re meeting up for a “little date” as you mentioned. I was going to decline because there had been many requirements in class but you seemed too interested that I didn’t want to break it to you.

I was wearing my usual hoodie sweater with baggy pants and ordered for both of us. After all, you would always choose chocolate whipped shakes over anything. You seemed to take too long so I decided to work on some demands given. I turned on my laptop and opened the application as I placed the headphones on my ear, silencing the noise in my surroundings.

Now all I can hear is my heartbeat pounding and swallowing as my throat started to dry. The loading symbol appeared on my screen and I hoped it would stay like that forever. I hoped it would crash and tried to find more excuses for me not to use it.

I was consistently looking at the time shown on the panel below the main screen. The blue circular sign still turns and turns as I see it from my peripheral vision. 3:31, 3:32, 3:33, the minutes kept moving and hands that are now shaking because I assumed this would be the worst nightmare that could happen. But no, cause “worst nightmare” is an understatement when we are referring to this. It would’ve been better as a nightmare because I could wake up from this traumatic moment. I was focused on my screen that I hadn’t noticed the calling in my front.

“Channie?... Chris?.... Christopher?... Mr.Bang Chan?.. Chan!”

  [Y/N’S POV]

  He finally noticed me as soon as I tapped on his shoulders. He flinched and looked at me in horror. It creeped me out but it took seconds before he could pull his eyes away from mine. He bit his lips and I noticed him covering his hands. The staff called out a number which I believe was from our table considering the way he closed his laptop.

“I’m getting that” You forced a little smile as you made way to the counter

I smiled at the thought of our “date” but seeing you sweating and nervously fidgeting your fingers to avoid them from shaking bothers me. Did something happen before you came? Why was he that nervous? Thoughts bombarded my mind, but you coming back with my favorite drink and snacks, looking all-smiley, tells me as if you noticed my discomfort so you tried cheering me up. You sat down in front of me and got rid of your problems. As usual, this guy notices even the littlest gestures I make.

“Did you wait too long?” I asked you with enthusiasm because our little date has now started. The idea non-stop makes my whole day

“No, I just arrived before you did.” You respond with a genuine smile despite the clear lie you just gave. You stroked my hair as you looked at me lovingly

“Oh, I just passed by that bakery we talked about a year ago…..” I started chatting about our fond memories that remain vivid in my head.

It took several hours of talking and enjoying our time together. We also watched that Philippine movie starring two exes who broke up and lived in one house, but being an emotional wreck, it took 30 mins of you trying to comfort me as I cry ugly. Of course, you didn’t miss an opportunity to laugh at me and even took a video. Teasing me and showing my picture as your wallpaper, made me playfully angry.

We also enjoyed visiting the same tunnel where we met. The nostalgia is present. The moon is shining and I can’t help but smile looking at you.

  [CHANS POV]

  You look beautiful under the moon if I must say. I wanted to show the magnificent view because it reminds me of you whenever I see it up above. You were my only light when my days in the past were too dark.

We continued strolling around, counting the streetlights that passed by and talked about a lot of things. Until you decided to speak up-

“About…. the thing that happened earlier?” You looked up to me, but your eyes soon started moving away from mines. You were held on with the anxiety of trying to speak up whenever it had come to my personal life. I don’t know whether it was the trauma you’ve stumbled upon when you asked about my father or it’s just due to your manners. Nonetheless, if it was indeed your trauma, I’ve felt guilty about it and wanted to reassure you I won’t hurt you ever again. “But if you don’t want to talk about it-“ I cut your sentence off.

“My father was a musician..” your eyes shined with glee in my response

“That’s cool!” You exclaimed but it soon faded into a frown after hearing me sigh. Tilting your head, you tried to calculate everything that’s wrong with it. I nervously fidgeted with my hands and knuckles, contemplating a decision that could change and even affect both of us.

“Everything’s wrong... He was into it, music took his mindset and life” I faced my head sideways and gulped without looking at your eye. The trauma, I’m finally telling my pent-up feelings after a lifetime keeping it to myself.

“He was so into composing music and started to forget about the reason he had started to do it. And by that-“ you cut off my sentence and started to nod a few times, pressing your lips together. You pointed your shaky finger at me and spoke softly.

“I think I know where this is going.” You looked at me in disbelief but all I could do is look at you with concern and guilt, asking for forgiveness. “Is this why you didn’t want to love again even after all these years?” Your eyes that shined stars a moment ago, turned into sun at night. It wasn’t raging darkness, but plain agony.

“Can you blame me? I know I love music, I’ve told you that on repeat for years. Is love what I need when that was the cause of everything?”

You didn’t take one glance at me and started walking faster. You were trying to leave me behind but I was quick to grab your hand.

“Please, let’s not act like this. It’s starting to get..” I was trying to think of a less harsh word because things get complicated day by day. And here I thought this date would be an exception. “Childish. Okay? I don’t get why you’re so out of place and it’s like-“

“So now I’m the one getting childish here?” You turned around and faced me, finally. Though it wasn’t any relieving as I expected. You were having tears stuck in your eyes, ready to fall at anytime yet you don’t want to cry in front of me. Are we going to keep this up? I was about to talk but no words came out of me. Until you decided to continue your sentence.

“You knew about this all the time, right? You knew how I was starting to fall for you and yet you continued our relationship without feeling love?” You bit your lips as your eyebrows creased. Trying to push me away, but all I could do was hold you tighter. “I know how trauma feels like. I’ve been there, we’ve been there. But you could’ve told me sooner at least so I’m not the only one looking like a whole fucking fool here, Christopher.” You tried to get away from my hold and yes, you did. Though as I tried to grab your hand once again, you took a step backward and placed your hands up in the air as a sign of surrender. “Call me sensitive but for God’s sake! How could you get me all wrapped up in your finger for the past years and call it something that isn’t attachment nor love? What was I to you then?” It took seconds for me to get the gist of what you’re trying to say and I did understand but I couldn’t answer that simple question.

Because now that I think of it, was I awful to hesitate who you were in my life? Was those years nothing for me then? I want to protect you until the end and I wanted to see you happy but I’m pretty sure I felt this for some of my friends as well. Did I just get into a relationship whilst thinking of my significant other as a friend? Is it called using someone? Taking advantage to make my life better? I know what’s right and what’s wrong. But I don’t know which is which. Getting into a relationship is a risky choice and I don’t want to hurt anybody in between. Because I know that’s what’s wrong. Using others for my need of affection and love is wrong as well. But is this exactly what I’m doing? I don’t know...As things grow, it just gets complicated to the point that I couldn’t even comprehend situations.

“I thought so” you continued, and those words crushed my heart. I didn’t notice the time we’ve been arguing, though technically it’s just you who was able to speak, that we’ve already reached your house. You opened the tiny gate in front of your house and I know what’s going to happen sooner later.

“Maybe, you need time to think about it alright? I don’t think I can keep up with a relationship like this if it’s too one-sided. But don’t worry I’ll wait. Even though what I want may not come,” you chuckled but the sigh was still evident. “I’ll wait for you.” You smiled, but it isn’t the one you’ve always shown me. I was the reason for your happiness but also the reason for your pain. How tragic must have been that sound.

You went your way to the door and closed it. I knew you were crying as I heard little sniffles but never looked my way. Closing the door, that was the last time I had ever seen you. With no goodbye kisses and hugs, you left feeling the ache you didn’t deserve.

3

[YOUR POV]

  It was supposed to be “taking a break”, but considering this, I should’ve accepted it as a break-up. You never took time texting me after the whole 4 months. I guess I was no one in your life. But even though I was still hurt, I regretted spatting out things as if it was your fault. You always get guilty over things and I know it was all just because you had a hard time reciprocating your feelings because of the lack of love you’ve felt. I should’ve understood that part but being the sensitive me, I was unmindful. I’ve also never seen you walk past the corridors nowadays, so it’s basically been also the same 4 months of actually not seeing you as well. You really bothered trying to get out of my life.

I groaned as I sat up in the bed. It was around 8:30 and I’m like 1 hour and 30 mins late? Not that I’m bothered by it since I’ve gotten used to it. It’s not like our teacher is there by the time I arrive.

  -SCHOOL-

  “Outside, now” was the first and last thing I’ve heard as I entered my classroom. And here I thought the teacher wasn’t present. Not only did I embarrass myself in front of my classmates, but I’d also have to stand holding a chair, outside the classroom for lower and higher-ups students to see. Awful, and my reputation is broken. Well, not that I had any significant reputation in the first place but come on, you know how hard it was to see students bickering while looking at you.

I heard the door click open and I hoped it was the teacher who finally would let me in. It turned out to be another classmate of mines which I thought was unnecessary. But as I looked back up and noticed his eyes, a sense of familiarity came unto me.

“Han?” My eyes widened at the sight in front of me. I’m not expecting people to be perfect but our class president was the last person I expected to be scolded by our teacher. “Weren’t you inside the classroom way before me?”

“I cursed.” The guy spoke shortly and lifted the chair just like the same punishment I’ve been doing. I blinked my eyes twice but understood nothing.

“Pardon?” I replied in a high tone as if I was questioning what he was trying to say. Cursed? Is he out of his mind, trying to curse in front of the teacher? Besides, he had always been this quiet kid, but girls still tend to simp over. The latter though is out of my knowledge.

“What did you say?” I leaned in as you jolted quite a bit. Reacting to the sudden flinch, I assumed it was bold of me to do so and it scared you. But looking straight at you, pink tints were found on the side of the cheeks. It was light and definitely cute.

“F-fuck” he faced me with eyebrows creased and hesitated in replying. It was so short and awkward whenever he’d say it or maybe it’s also due to his stuttering. The thought was so out of the place and even I, who is quite free doesn’t curse in front of the teacher for no reason so why would someone who tries to stay low, would curse? But the way you told me the “forbidden” word made me laugh out loud.

“You’re funny, Mr. class president” I replied after a silent 2 minutes and laughed while hitting him lightly. Little amounts of liquids were falling down my deep brown eyes as I tried to regain my breathing. He’s awkward and that’s what makes it funny. I like him.

I wiped off my tears and stared at you. My laughs slowly died down after seeing your confusing expression. I don’t know whether your eyes held a safe haven or a place I was indulged in and forgot about the point that everything was complicated in between. Whether staring at you was comfortable or confusing. All I know is that I was distracted by the genuine smile you gave. It was little but I knew it was a smile after seeing cute dimples on the side of your lips. Now that I think of it, I haven’t ever seen the president smile.

You noticed my pause and coughed, trying to clear out the tension. The usual demeanor was back. Was everything just an illusion then?

“Anyways, I don’t know about you but I’m gonna have to go. Don’t want stay here standing when time’s already up” you lazily said as you pressed your lips together, leaving me speechless all alone. Raising your hand, you waved back at me while walking away and didn’t even take time to look back.

That was weird. Or was I the only one weird? True, I’ve never seen him around that much but I’ve painted the guy as someone responsible considering the works he finished even after given such a small time. He was indeed open-minded but wasn’t out-spoken or friendly. Work is work and he has to make sure he aces his tests for his reputation to not tarnish even one bit, that’s all that matters to him. He was never used to smiling so he doesn’t do it as much, at least that’s what I’ve heard. I’m guessing it must be my imagination.

  /LUNCHTIME/

  Guess what? It’s already lunchtime and I haven’t learned a single bit of information from my teacher’s discussion. Shrugging all my homework, projects, quizzes, oral recitations, and performances that are all due this afternoon, I walked out of the classroom.

But before I did so, I found a familiar guy in my peripheral vision. Trying to confirm whether it was him, I turned and called his name out.

“Mr. president?”

The same awkward and serious guy turned around, raising his right brow. You were confused at first about who would call you with no respect, but hummed in surprise as a response.

“It’s Han for you... and for everyone” trying to continue the work you’ve been doing for our school camp which is totally several months later. What’s the rush?

“Drop the formalities! Besides, I like Mr. president way better.” I smiled and tilted my head then flipped my hair. I was a whole smug for thinking my naming sense was the best thing about me.

“Like, like?”

The same vibe always comes up whenever I’m talking to you and I don’t know why. How is it so hard to interact with smart ones? I feel like their language is different and I couldn’t even comprehend what this guy is trying to say.

“like?”

“You like mr. president. That’s what you said”

And that’s how it struck me. Looking back on everything, it seems pretty weird. (I like Mr. President way better) rings all throughout my head. I know he’s been surrounded by girls who have a crush on him but surely he doesn’t think of this as a low-key confession, right?

Please, I didn’t deserve any of this awkward tension. I did walk up to him first but blame my curiosity for wondering what he’s doing in his free time, does he always go to the library whenever, or what do the lifestyle elites like him actually have? Maybe, I did just want a friend but who knew it would be this complicated. Wrong choice.

“The names you provide for people are so dull” you faked a yawn to show how uninterested you are.

I laughed out and tried to hide the embarrassment I’ve felt inside. He meant the name of course! What was I thinking? He quickly got up and proceeded to leave the classroom as if he understood what I wanted to do. He catches up with things fast if I must say. But the feeling didn’t subside in me and I tried to cover up my face with my hands as soon as he left. Heaving a deep sigh, I reassured myself and followed him.

  -CAFETERIA-

  “This is all they’ve got?”

It’s been a second we’ve entered the school cafeteria and yet this elite beside me was already complaining. We sat down on the white benches and I was also relieved the cafeteria doesn’t have many students since our class ended earlier than the desired time.

“You’ll get used to it. Besides, what do you commonly eat for lunch? This is good.” I replied and waited for a response that never came back. I’m thinking it was a wall I’m talking to. You ate the soup and showed a face of disgust. Of course, I don’t give up.

“Do you have different cafeterias?” “Or do you eat in your respective rooms?” “Do you actually eat? cause you looked really busy with the requirements.” “Being a class president is that hard huh? I don’t think I’ve seen anyone as hard-working as you even if they have high titles.” “You know if I was the class-“

“Why do you ask so many questions? Geez” you swept your hair and sighed. You felt tired talking to someone as chatty as me but all I could do is playfully pout and raise both my eyebrows up. Shrugging, I respond.

“Why not?”

You glared at me but I wasn’t taken aback by it so you decided to reply, finally. “The real question is, why?” you tried to peacefully eat and finished it quickly so you could go to the library, I suppose. It was going smoothly until my small brain with low grammar or structure skills decided to pop up the least moment I wanted it to.

  “Because I’m interested in you.”

  Choking was all I could hear after I simply stated. Panicking, I gave you my water unknowingly and you drank it. I patted your back and stroked it gently.

“You okay?” I tried to calm you down but your face seemed to ask me whether you were okay even after everything was obvious.

“You mean you’d like to know about my lifestyle?” You analyzed my reaction as I tilted my head. I mean isn’t that clear? Your eyes seemed like you got the hang of me again and scoffed, rolling your eyes. Wow! Now, what’s up with this attitude?

“It’s common. Just some random New York steak.” My eyes widened and my ears couldn’t believe what they’re hearing. That’s common? Gosh, even my monthly allowance couldn’t afford to buy a whole steak, what more if it was specifically in New York? And the way he didn’t bother to flex about his lunchtime food and acts as if it’s unimportant.

“Enough about me, how about you?” I believe you were trying to ask for the sake of the conversation but it excites me anyway. I mean, an elite asking me about my life? It boosts my pride, internally laughing as I thought of the idea.

“What do you want to know about me?” Grinning, I eagerly waited for the question. How blessed I am to have an upper-class student to not just interact, but ask about me as well.

“What happened between you and Bang Chan?”

I’m taking it all back. I don’t want to hear any questions. I was wrong. By Bang Chan, I knew straight away he was referring to Chris. The mentioned ex became an elite, or so I heard. I don’t know how, why, or when but that’s the only reason possible for him to know there was a thing between us. But unlike me, Mr. President wants to make sure of everything and not just the rumors he had heard.

“No.” I simply stated and continued to eat.

“Why not?”

“I should be the one asking you why”

“Because I’m interested in you”

I paused and was slightly surprised by the sudden declaration. Okay, my way of telling him made me look crazy. I looked up to him and saw a pair of teasing eyes. This is who mr. president is? Now it was my time to roll my eyes and I knew at that moment I had no escape.

“Exes. We’re exes.” I expected a startled expression from you but your lips curled downwards as if you expected it. How was it hard to read this guy’s mind though he immediately catches up on everything I’m feeling?

Days passed by and as usual, I was the one annoying you. At that very time, we became close because I knew you were a comfortable place for me to be in. You don’t judge unlike what others do each time I open up my problems especially when it comes to my relationship with an elite and Christopher, out of all. For sure, you were the right choice of friend I never knew I needed to rely on.

4

[YOUR JOURNAL]

  Just a few days passed by and I hear lots of students whispering. What’s the occasion? I don’t even know myself yet I’ve brought a ring that matches mine. I’m naive but I always trust my instincts no matter what. As I try to recall the date and puts everything together in one piece from all the clues I’ve gotten.

A familiar man appeared in my sight. But he wasn’t mr. president. He was looking at me and I continued to look at those deep brown eyes I’ve longed to see after a long time. Was I prepared? No. Did I want to see him? I’m not sure so myself. But did I actually like that view? Indeed. My very first heartbreak or hiatus came back after months and to see he felt the same way I did. Did the moment I waited for all of my life would finally happen?

Each step you take, the more my anxiety rushes through me. I felt the shivers either because I was scared or it was the tears I’ve forced to stop from rolling down my cheeks. Or simply both, ignoring the fact that I was hurt yet I did want to see you after all. I wanted to walk away, but if I did then I’m making the same mistake twice. Therefore I stood still silent and only my heartbeat is the loudest out of all.

Closing my eyes, I expected strong grips around my wrist which marks it deep red because anger was the only thing present in the space between us. I didn’t take consideration of the things you’ve gone through but instead became selfish just because I’ve moved on from the past. I did tell you I would wait for you forever but all I gave you was the pressure of making you choose decisions at times you were having a hard time. Just because you made me learn the definition of love, doesn’t mean I could anticipate that you felt the same thing.

Quite on the contrary, I’ve felt warmth and comfort. The grip was truly strong, strong enough to hurt me emotionally and not physically unlike what I expected. The grip I’ve felt was hanging around me, a hug was given to me even when I didn’t deserve this.

“I’m sorry” that was what I’ve heard in the muffled and low volume of voice the man had spoken because he was on the verge of tears. I was supposed to be the one asking for an apology, yet this guy took it to heart once again. Typical Christopher.

“I missed you. I’ve realized I can’t do things without you. It’s been hard..” Your sentence cut the uncertainty I’ve felt. It came, he came. I cried my heart out after not breathing for a second. It would finally work out, after months of trying to ask for support from other people, you entered my life once again. And better? You loved me.

It was your graduation, and I’m glad to be there just like what we dreamed it to be. You may have left, but our romance never stopped.

Cliché right? Of course, that never happens in reality. What happens, is the point that we argue every day because of the long-distance relationship that serves as an obstacle in us. We don’t even know whose mistake it is but considering you, you’ve always been the one who let your pride down and ask for forgiveness. There are times it’s also been me because I realized that this guy doesn’t deserve more burdens in his life. Support is everything I could give.

“Everything working out?” I was astounded by the call Hanji decided to initiate first. He’s always been there for me when I had it rough. He cares for me though he doesn’t show it as much.

“I don’t know. I’ve rarely been receiving texts but he made sure to call me anytime soon. We’ve both been fighting against this. Thanks by the way” You sighed after I finished my sentence. I hoped my exhaustion wasn’t able to reach you but you knew straight away.

“What do you see in him? He is talented and ideal but do you think you both match up?“

It was good he called but hitting it directly at me and doubts our relationship? That’s what triggered and ticked me off. “I told you not to talk about this.” I firmly uttered.

“He doesn’t get the way you act, talk or even feel”

“I’m sorry? What do you mean by that?” It’s rare to see us quarrel because you didn’t want to reach that point and yet it’s you trying to get all complicated once again. Here I thought I got the hang of how you think. “He understands me more than anyone.”

“If he does then why didn’t he call by then?”

“He was busy. I repeated that to you more than thrice throughout the whole call. But if he wasn’t busy then he’d take a grasp of everything.”

“Was he? Because the last time I knew you had a rough day, crying all alone, he didn’t. The time I knew I had to cheer you up, he didn’t. The time I knew I needed to reassure you that no one’s ever going to leave you but stay by your side, even though you didn’t realize about it, he didn’t.”

3 seconds passed by before my voice was heard in the line.

“What does that have to do with all these?”

“I understand you but the guy you wanted to be with, doesn’t”

That was it, the final blow. Both were concerning, the whole sentence is. Starting from the conclusion you understood me up until the thought of me wanting a guy who doesn’t pick me up the way I assume couples needed. We had a relationship with Chris, but was it called a relationship with lots of things in between?

“I’m sorry. Slipped out. I was just irritated.” It was a first for you to apologize but my mind wandered to the part where you compared yourself to Christopher.

“What do you mean by you understanding me when he doesn’t?”

“I mean... If I did understand you, then I’m pretty sure a lot more boys out there would be a better match and would recognize your desire. They would be able to take care of you. You know I’m just.. worried.”

If it was the usual vibe, I would’ve laughed at that lame excuse. But thinking back, it’s hard for me to perceive the way you feel about me. I’ve heard rumors but ended up being nonchalant about it because mr. president having feelings? I chose to believe it wasn’t real especially when I’m already facing a hard time.

“good night.” You continued after the short silence. It was now you who was starting to get exhausted. You cut off the line quickly before I could even reply. Was the relationship between me and Chris wasn’t able to follow up fate? How innocent of me to think that true love comes so easily.

5

  Days turned to months and I lost count of the weeks Chris has been gone by my side. He had never failed to text compared in the past, but I still yearned for his affection.

He seemed excited on the phone today and unknowingly called me 5 times and now a 6-

“Christopher, aren’t you busy?” I giggled as I heard him laugh. It made my day and filled up the void in me that was created because of the thought he isn’t able to be with me on my graduation day.

“I have duties... as your boyfriend” I playfully rolled my eyes without expecting a turn of events.

It was my final day in school and to think that I have to spend it alone because I had no friends, awful. Chris made my day though, so I wanted to enjoy it to the fullest. But the feeling of not seeing Hanji anymore still lingered in my mind. It was harsh but I had to accept it. We didn’t talk that much but undoubtedly, he was a good friend in times I need him.

Whilst looking around the stalls in the halls, I found him. He was talking to a guy seemingly the same age as ours and he looked so happy. But as his eyes met mines, was it just me, or did it die down? Maybe he doesn’t want to see me after all? His eyes traveled back to the sushi he ordered but sighed as I ran up to him.

“Mr. president?” The happy and annoying tone of calling him wasn’t present anymore. It was gloomy, hesitating if I should bother his hours or time. “Did I do something?”  What happened to our closure? it flees away.

I saw you in the process of trying to smile a little and just hummed to let me know nothing’s wrong. But everything is. You ignored me and walked up to the classroom. I followed you, as I always do. I decided to speak up but you cut me off.

“I’m sorry if I did-“

  “Are you still interested in me?”

  You turned around and confronted my small figure. It hurts the way you try to smile in front of me but failed to do so. Usually, you always made me believe what you wanted me to. You’d say you’re fine, you’re happy, you’re not exhausted, but right now? I’m not buying it. I may not be able to read you that much, but you seemed too tired to the point that your magic of convincing me didn’t work.

“Interested..?”

“You said you were interested in how elite ones live. Now that you got the answer and your boyfriend is one, what am I there for?”

“You were there for me-“

  “when he couldn’t be there”

  You were being on and off, getting more complicated as time passes by. You don’t go straight to the point but instead, run circles until I have a hard time contemplating whether I’m the wrong one.

“What are you trying to imply?” I questioned

“I don’t need a quote that says don’t expect something in return”

“Return? After everything, we’ve been through? Our friendship? Was it all just nothing? How doesn’t that benefit you?”

“Because the more I give you your need, why do I have to receive pain instead?” Your voice was shaky and I can see you biting your lip, trying to suppress yourself from falling and breaking. “You wanted to know me because you were curious about my life. Now that you know of it, what do you want from me?”

“What do you mean what do I want? I want nothing from you. The bond that we’re tied in is enough for “

“Then who am I to you?”

“I told you, a friend.”

“My purpose in your life?”

“Lifting me up whenever I feel....down”

“So did you recognize how that sound like to you?”

Among both of us, I broke down first. Why am I being the one treated like the villain in this story taking advantage of people around me? Why am I the perceived the evil being in our friendship? Why does he want to make me feel guilty? I didn’t even know what the problem is yet, but I was already the bad one here. Call me clueless, but I couldn’t be blamed for something I don’t even know about. Quiet sobs filled in the silence and I could feel your sympathy filling the empty room.

“If ever..” in a low volume, you decided to speak “Why do you want to spend more time with me?” I looked up to you and wiped away all my tears if that’s possible.

A reason, that’s all I need to prove but no suggestions came up to my mind. Recollecting tragedies, was I the one who didn’t bother calling you when you didn’t do the same to me? Why didn’t I? You didn’t even pass my mind one single time in the past days. So why didn’t that happen? I appreciated him but when did things gradually just..stop?

Tears fell down yours as well but you didn’t want me to look at you in the eye. “You were supposed to say for more memories, you know? Like because I actually made you happy so you wanted me to appreciate our moments. Believe it or not, that’s what they say” you laughed to lift the air but I was still left dumbfounded after everything. How terrible of me, that thought echoes repeatedly.

Hours passed by and I wasn’t feeling it. The sun turned gloomy, the loud cheer of students turned to noise, the sky turned monochrome and the atmosphere turned dull. All I could do was ask Chris regarding it. All he could say is that he appreciated how Hanji backed off and didn’t want to complicate things more by telling me. Understanding none of it, what does he mean by didn’t want to complicate things more when our quarrel was? Wow, I really am this hopeless. Slow and unaware.

I was lost in thought that I late realized how I could hear vehicles in Chris as he was on call. Was he lying then? He mentioned he was staying in but why are there noises and people chattering? I was baffled hearing one of the familiar voices behind. One seemed to be the same as my classmate.

“Where are you? I thought you said you were in your home?”

  “I am home.”

  Clichè as it seemed, It all felt like a slow-motion in a fast-paced sequence of events. Firstly you were just talking to me but at the next second, you were personally doing it.

Holding your phone, I finally found the guy I’ve seen and lost on the same day in the past. But now? He’s here. Promising me that he won’t leave ever again. I knew I could trust these words no matter how repetitive they're going to be. Once you tell me it, I just know you’d be by my side no matter what until the end of the world.

You were looking the same as I remembered in the past and it’s played out like deja vu. You walking up to me and giving me a whole hug of comfort, as I cried in your arms.

“How about your-“

“I don’t want you to worry about it. I’ve chosen myself, with no additional pressure, to live with you.” You stroked my hair and patted my back.

“Live with me?”

“Don’t you want to?” I was delighted and surprised by the sudden decision. I wasn’t given enough time to think about it, not that I needed time anyway. I would always choose you over anything else.

It was the event and yes, I graduated with my boyfriend cheering me on and allowed me to soar high and fly, to start a new beginning.

6

[HAN POV]

  It was good seeing you happy. Even if it was Bang Chan, I’m sure he is the only man that can make you smile like that.

But indeed, I was hurt. I was a book you wanted to read but as soon as you got ahold of the main idea, everything starts to get boring. Usually, you would never fail to not make me annoyed each day because as you always say, I cross your mind every time. When you were indulged in your relationship, I was forgotten.

It was all my mistake and you don’t have to feel guilty about it. I may not have any expectations of you loving me, but I had hopes and that’s what made me receive pain. If I hadn’t hoped you would be with me, hoping you forgot about him, hoped you could see I am just here waiting, hoped you could realize I can treat you better, then both of us wouldn’t get hurt. It’s my fault and I’m held accountable to live in regrets.

But even for a split second, I am happy that I am capable of distracting your worries and making your day better. I wasn’t thinking well in the argument a while ago but I did get the benefit. Seeing you happy, makes me happy. So letting you go is the best choice for both of us to receive joy. Scratch that, I don’t have the right to tell you I would let you go.

  Because I never stood a chance did I?

7

[YOUR JOURNAL]

  After graduating, I moved in with Christopher. He let me listen to some of the tracks he had created to stop me from bothering him all day.

The music he had composed was nothing personal and was based on people from different perspectives. I had never felt the same experience as well but something about the way he writes and produces brought me to tears. The pain and emptiness inside were well shown in the midst of harmonies. He was also a genius writer with well-structured sentences and livens up feelings in the words to make the listener feel as if he or she was the one narrating it. His father is a musician, but to think he would be able to express that much in songs just shows how deeply connected he is with music. He wasn’t motivated because he tries to stop himself from being like his father but it was a pity for him to stop something he is incredibly good at.

“You’re really something Christopher! Do you know that?” I hugged him from behind and heard his little laughs. “I think I’ve fallen for you all over again. But honestly, I knew you’d write and produce this good” I wore on a smug look as he asked while giggling because of the face I’m giving.

“How?”

“How about calling it an intuition from an expert music lover?” You playfully rolled your eyes in my response because you expected something more detailed. You urged me to explain it to you so you’d knew my opinion about the music and so I did.

“Your words are beautiful that it makes me believe anything you’ll say, Christopher” I smiled and kissed your cheek. I rested my head near your neck as we were sat on the bed, facing each other.

It was true. You made me feel different feelings and opened up a new perspective to move on from my past. You influenced me a variety of changing thoughts. I don’t like the idea of losing myself to someone because it forgets the real me. I don’t like the concept of being crazy in love with people because it doesn’t feel sweet somehow whenever the risk of it being one-sided and unable to move on is present. Not realizing that whenever the talk comes about you, it feels heavenly. I don’t know who I would be if I wasn’t yours but it all feels enchanting. Although you made me insecure, at the same time you made me laugh throughout the day. You were a gold rush. Perfect and gentle, to think that someone like me got you is like winning once in my entire life. Luck is rare but fate was there. By fate, it turned out you were destined to meet me and get me out of the hell hole, no one tried to do. By fate, it means I will love you and will forever do. By fate, we’ll stand strong and fight the cracks alongside our journey.

8

[CHRIS POV]

  You wouldn’t take a no for an answer when I was asked to create more songs. A single shed of tear from listening to my music encouraged you to push more song requests unto me. Make-me-a-song was all I could remember hearing from you.

I remember you publishing one of my songs and I was accepted by it. You were jumping up and down as I was worried about its outcome. I was starting to get known, that was also the beginning of how the unforgivable musician started to forget about the important ones in his life. It was as if the result would be dragging my only light into my darkness. I don’t want to be a musician and yet, here I am composing more songs even if I knew what was coming soon.

I’ve started with light romance that I think you’ll enjoy but seeing you look so happy with just a simple work of mine, gave me that motivation I least wanted to have. And like a recorded cd, everything was played the exact same way in different men. I hated it but it was truly like father, like son.

I continued to write songs with deeper ones but as I got the recognition all the more, I produced as if I was possessed. I was indulged in the way words can be conveyed differently and ideas, stories, and theories were constantly overflowing my mind. I was wrapped up in music and I hated myself for it. Even though I despised the process, I couldn’t help but continuously write. All of my pent-up feelings in the past years were expressed in my songs, making me create heavy tracks and don’t run out of stories to tell. The man I’ve been hiding and was traumatized from came back and it’s as if he mocks me that we are on the same page after all. I felt myself sinking and sinking despite you telling me that I am not like my father because I made you feel the definition of love. I was trapped in a room with no escape that relates whenever I had started making music, I couldn’t get out of it. I wasn’t forced but this drive is what makes me continue because I feel like I’m creating a new genre that makes people deeply appreciate and maybe understand what I’ve been going through.

4 years came by but it felt like days in my studio.

“Chris, are you sure you’re fine? Get enough rest okay?” the young girl called me but I was busy finalizing the song.

“Yes, thank you,” I replied shortly after your question. I wasn’t paying much attention so I didn’t know the accurate response for it.

“Anyways, what’s that ab-“

“I’m working on music that’s going to be showcased and submitted to the famous JYP company later. It is really important so I would appreciate it if you wouldn’t distract me by asking so many questions. Come by later, we’ll talk about it then.” I looked at my watch on my right arm and noticed how I still got a few hours left before attending the ceremony. The albums will be released soon after but I have to submit another title track.

I was busy with all the scheduled dates and songs that I hadn’t realized

  she wasn’t smiling anymore.

  “Mr. Bang Chan?” hours came by and truly the CEO came. We have a friendly bond and he gives me advice so it’s casual for him to call on me. I hurried up to the door and went to the car.

“Why didn’t you invite her to the big event?” The CEO of the company asked me to start up a conversation. He crossed his hands and tapped his fingers as if he thought of something so deep and significant because he was getting impatient.

“It’s a big hassle. She isn’t good and comfortable in interacting with people she doesn’t know” I simply stated and smiled for respect.

“I don’t interfere or meddle in the personal affairs or lives of others but I hope you aren’t neglecting her because of this, are you?”

“She will understand” I looked up to the car window and stared at the illuminating lights from buildings. I know you took a lot of time waiting for me, but please don’t give up and let me finish this song about you. By then, our Disney-like dreams would finally come true and I swear I’ll make you even happier.

  I held a box of ring in my pocket. I’ll make you happy, just hang a bit in there okay?

9

[YOUR POV]

  The CEO told me about the new album he’s been working on. It was about his first love. It would be no other than me, right?

I went up to his room and read the paper scattered alongside his desk. There were lots but I decided to read the one that I assumed was already done. It was near the porch and I understood how he wanted to compose in front of the moon.

  The moon shone brightly that night

 but I realized that wasn’t my source of light

You look lovely

as the smiles you beamed lasted an eternity

I was persuaded and lost in thought

unknowingly, my heart was caught

Because even under the moon, you’ve shone the brightest

and cleared my problems at most

Even under where light lies,

 I was indulged deep in your eyes

Even when it illuminates through the void,

a different view is what I’ve enjoyed

Because even if their minds were fixated on the scene,

looking at you felt more serene

  I stopped reading the paper and placed it back on the desk.

  “That can’t be me..” I thought.

  Starting from the mentioned smiles, how could that be me? You stated you enjoyed looking at me, but I felt like I was invisible whenever you compose songs. Did you make songs while thinking of me? I don’t think so. You should’ve known that you were dragging me along with your darkest nights. I wasn’t even your light anymore, it died down. I was overshadowed by your passion or the one you’re talking about in this script. Can I still make you happy? No. Am I still happy? No. The whole lyrics proves how you didn’t even take a single glance at me right now. Because if you did care, you would've known I changed because you did. I changed because the person I was relying upon, didn’t find motivation in me. We started together but it lost while it progresses just like how you started music because of me but lost my figure in your sight along the way. It was reality, I was being forgotten. When I was alone crying, where were you? I know you don’t understand me quite well but I was the whole climate. I changed for seasons unlike in the past where it was mild swings. Because you know what hurts the most? Not the fact that I waited and kept waiting as I am already used to that and no matter how many years it may take, I’ll always wait for you. But it’s all because everything went back. You picked me up from the trauma and showed how love is but it’s as if my past resurfaced from the waters and told me how tragedies would always stay the same. That I would always end up this way no matter who I’m faced to. I felt guilty for slightly regretting that I praised your songs. Indeed you were meant to be connected with music and it’s your passion. I’m happy that I was able to show it to you but wouldn’t these happen if I didn’t start it all? I was wrong. I thought it made you happy but no. None of these made us happy. Your pieces of music weren’t to blame, I shouldn’t be blamed and neither were you. Where did everything go wrong? I don’t know, it just started to fall off. These lyrics were deeply engraved in my mind. You seemed so in love when I wasn’t able to show you what love is. If it was a person, she must’ve been so kind and understanding. She must’ve been someone who understood your secrets and feelings. And me? I couldn’t still get to you. I’m confused about what’s best for you or what you wanted all along. I don’t recognize the woman you’re writing about. Either it was the past me or someone new. Chris,

  who is it that you’re in love with?

  Cold air rushed through my skin as I closed my eyes and inhaled the scent of calm air. It wasn’t possible but it was enough to make me feel calm. I still appreciated our moments but I feel like I can’t wait anymore, Chris. It’s not because I’m tired but because I feel like you’ll be better without me. I hate the idea of me regretting I showed you your passion. I’ll be nothing but a whole burden. You’ll meet someone better who recognizes your life and by then she’ll be a brave one who can communicate with you. You’ll find someone new, or you already did. If anything, happiness is all I need in the end, at least at the ends of the world. It did happen. I was happy because the next thing I’ll do will be the bravest thing I had ever done after all my cowardly decisions in life, and it’s all because of you.

I stood up at the top of the porch and imagined a vivid scenery. It was you kneeling down to someone new. She did accept it and you were celebrating. Tears ran down my cheeks but was I smiling? Yes, it was indeed happiness seeing you take a break from the pressure and realize you needed to receive joy. I wasn’t able to give it to you but to think someone else would, contrasted the happiness and pain. “It’s time to let go” I opened my eyes slowly as I thought and saw the moonlight. I snapped out of my thoughts and cleared out my head. Because no matter what happened in between us, you crossed my mind in a second. And that’s when I knew, I still loved you despite the bittersweet rain.

10

[CHRIS POV]

  I heard sirens in front of the place that doesn’t feel like home anymore. Why? I heard how young and innocent the girl was and it was a pity to see her leave. It was a shock for me to the point that I hadn’t shed a single tear. Empty, hollow. It was all I could feel at the moment. Was she gone? Did she conclude to leave her out of my life?

Paper. That’s all I’ve seen on the desk. It’s prohibited to enter but I couldn’t believe what I’m seeing. The paper was crumpled and I believed you took the time to read this. Was my perspective wrong about you? Wasn’t this about you? I read the paper without further thinking and realized how I painted her as an angel. She is human, she was a human. Yet I’ve acted as if she was happy all the time, trying to save me from being a mess. Did I take a look back at her? No, instead I assumed too quickly. But what could that change? I was late and you’ve already given up. I was this close to preventing this but because I was so into writing a song made for you, I had forgotten the purpose to the point that it doesn’t seem like you anymore. Can I turn back time? If only I could. I needed to feel your warmth, I needed to see you one last time. I need you.

“Excuse me, do you know the victim?” A man from the authorities asked.

“Yes.”

Mixed emotions were vivid. I felt guilty but hoped you were happy in your last breath. The context of mines was complicated and I didn’t even notice it before. I abandoned to treat, as what I comprehend. Miscommunication rode the tides but it was undoubtedly true when I started to ignore people that surround me. I want to focus on you without realizing I left you. Is that even possible? It is now that I’ve seen it. Just like CDs, everything was played out in deja vu. People were different but things were just the same. It was how I became just like the person I despised all my life. But I did it for a reason, it’s not like I forgot about you. I just didn’t think how your feelings are right now but pursuing this song, is how I still remembered every bit of you. Would the ring I held on be given if I arrived earlier? No, I should’ve realized. I should’ve loved and made you feel how important you were to me in the days back then. In times you felt a hole in your chest, I should’ve been there to feel it up with love. I should’ve been there when you felt insecure. I should’ve been there when you felt all alone. But no matter how much I hurt myself, tear myself apart, it all ends with “I should’ve.” I’m sorry I couldn’t show you what I wanted to. I’m sorry I couldn’t love you until the very end.

I continued explaining to the man, 

  “She was my fiancée”

would you love me if I let go?

#tags #stray kids #stray kids reactions #stray kids scenarios #bang chan #seo changbin #han jisung #lee know #lee minho #hwang hyunjin #lee felix #kim seungmin #yang jeongin #stray kids imagines #stray kids angst #angst #heavy angst #chris #hanji #han #skz chan #skz han #stray kids x reader #kpop angst #stray kids masterlist #stray kids fake texts #stray kids fanfic #pain #fanfiction #stray kids ff

[greycappedjester]

Since I log the fanfictions I read, I’m realizing that June 19th marks the first day I read one of your fics! I read All in the Cards and was blown away by the storyline. Then, I continued to read your HQ series, the other cards fics, and your Dr.STONE fic too. I want to read your DC fics as well. I don’t know much background on it though, so I’m working on it. I just wanted to say how much I appreciate your writing and how it has honestly made this past year a lot better. With all that being said though, what’s your favorite thing/theme to write in each of your individual series? Like world building, relationships, etc.? Also, what inspired you to write in the first place?

Ahhh, thank you so much! This is honestly such a sweet ask and I am so, so glad that I could make your year better.

For what's my favorite thing/theme to write in each series, that's a tough one as a lot of times in changes; but, after thinking about it, I think these are my favorite things overall for each....

(I also thought I'd do something fun and put what my favorite line to write was in the last few chapters for the ongoing works. I always wonder what lines are people's favorite so figured it would be fun to add mine)

Hq at Hogwarts: I really love writing Oikawa and Hinata's relationship. Which is kinda an odd thing to say since they purposefully only have a few conversations spread out through each story. But, they're my two favorite Hq characters to write hands down and so I absolutely love showing them as foils to each other in the series. That said, I also love writing them (and especially Oikawa and Suga) as foils/parallels to the Giant and Hisashi (Suga's grandfather). I love both foil relationships and writing parallels between generations--especially if the next generation is completely unaware/uninformed of the previous generation's mistakes

Favorite Recent Line to Write: Kenma met his eyes and his voice broke: “Why am I the only one you have to hide?”

*Note: Okay, technically not the most recent chapter but fun fact: I wrote the Kuroo/Kenma conversation waaaay in advance and used it a lot as a reference to where I wanted this relationship to be headed and I viewed this line as one of the biggest break points (along with "I am waiting" from the dance)

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Cards: This one is the most tricky for me to think of one since it changes a lot. I love doing the world building for this one (like the huge long time line I have for the history of the country). I love writing fantasy politics. As I consider a Hearts Civil War story more, I'm getting back into the groove of just really love writing Oikawa's complicated relationship with being King. And, of course, I love writing Tsuksihima and Hinata's relationship

Favorite Recent Line to Write: Oikawa swept across the office, never seeming to pause for even a second as he pointed a quill at Iwaizumi. “So, tell me, are invasions just like a semi-annual thing?”

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The Hq/Scooby-Doo AU (Investigations Inc.): the humor and banter

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Walking With My Eyes Open: I think this might be my favorite romance thing I've ever written. I really, really wanted to show a view of romance that emphasized the choice to be in love (and the work that goes into a functioning relationship). I especially wanted to do this with Hanahaki since this trope is so tied to the forfeit of choice on the patient's end and the inherent unfairness/weight on the person they're in love with. Couldn't imagine it with any other characters but Senkuu and Gen tbh.

Favorite Recent Line to Write: But, human shoulders weren’t meant to bear the expectations of divinity.

*Note: Lol, this scene got cut and reworded so many dang times in editing, the one thing that stayed consistently I feel like is me really wanting to keep this specific line

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After the Fall of Olympus: Three things and I find it really hard to pick which one is my favorite.

(1) I love that this story format lets me show the slow growth/aging of Dick as a character and (I hope) that each chapter shows how he's grown to the point that Dick at age 14 in Ch. 1 is noticeably younger in internal monologue than Dick in his 20s in the latest chapter.

(2) I love writing tricky political/social issues where all characters have their points and there truly is no write answer...with that, I love writing Dick and Jay Garrick's relationship.

(3) If I had to pick, I don't know if it's my favorite but I think it's the most important element of the story. I very much wanted to show a more realistic view of grief where it feels like the world ended; but, it's not actually an apocalypse. They recover. At the start of the story, it is without a doubt the lowest/most devastating point, but they rebuild. It's slow and there's set backs but they are rebuilding a world that isn't (and shouldn't be) the same but is there and is new and is important. I know a lot of stories that focus on grief view it as a tragedy and an end which it is in a huge way. There's the phrase "it gets better" but a lot of times I think it's viewed as "things will go back to what they used to be" which is understandably hard for people to believe because a lot of times, it fundamentally is impossible for what's lost to be regained. That doesn't mean it's the end of everything. I think sometimes we forget that the previous world (be it actual in this story or what feels like the entire world) may not exist anymore but something different can still be built. The new world and old should never be compared because they can't be. It won't be the same. But, it can be good and they can be happy.

Which is honestly the recovery of what Dick Grayson, to me, should represent rather than the constant grief/vengeance of Batman.

Favorite Recent Line to Write (technically the last line here, just doesn't make sense out of context)

“You need someone with you. I’m not just leaving you alone!” Selina shouts.

“No? Why not?” Dick spits back. “You’re so good at it !”

Selina flinches back and Dick is viciously, painfully glad.

“You don’t get to care just when it’s convenient, Selina,” he says and it hurts, a wound that’s never going to heal. “I needed someone eight years ago. I needed someone when Bruce died, when Batman was gone, and the city was falling apart, and you weren’t there. You didn’t call. You didn’t check on me. You didn’t even say bye. And that’s fine. I lived, I rebuilt it.”

He steps away. “But, you don’t get to come back now and pretend it never happened. I don’t have to let you just because it hurts either way.”

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Flash Facts of Bart Allen: Lol, what might be my least popular but in my opinion best written story. Favorite thing is Bart and Len's relationship hands down, followed by showing Bart's relationship with how he navigates the weight of the Flash legacy while feeling like he's fundamentally different than the Flashes that came before.

Partly since this is getting so long and partly because personal story, I'm putting why I started writing under the break.

I started writing for a lot of reasons.

My first fic--and the first book I ever finished--was the first Hq at Hogwarts story (Mirror of Erised). For background, I started the story when I was in my first year of getting my master's degree (which was surprisingly a lot less busy than my undergrad for a number of reasons but me getting sidetracked into that is a whole other ask about grad school).

My first reason I started writing was that I had more time. I'd had the idea for the story for years; but, I finally had enough details that I was like "okay, now, I gotta write it" so I did. I'll say exactly what the final straw was when I actually get the series finished since it's a major spoiler.

My second reason probably didn't consciously occur to me at the time but is what I consider the most important reason I write and continue to write. I fundamentally want to write stories that make people's days better. It doesn't have to be anything big; I just really wanted to write the kind of story that people could get lost in for a few hours when they're scrolling through AO3 and looking for a distraction. I wanted to write something with happy endings.

Here's the more personal part. I really don't mean this in a sad way so please don't take it as such. However, when I started writing and posting, my dad had just died completely unexpectedly a few months earlier and right before I had to move cross country for masters. It was definitely a hard time (though I had friends and a good support network, again please don't worry--it was years ago now). But, writing then definitely helped me be in a positive happy attitude while thinking of plots and friendships in my favorite anime that always puts be in a better mood.

My point here is that while that was never the reason that I wrote, it's something I reflect on a lot for why fanfic can be such a positive force. Someone can have either the worst day ever, a mildly inconvenient day, or a perfectly fine day and still want distraction. To have a community with both writers and readers interested in the things you're interested in. To have a site where fic can be easily shared and for free. There's something just wonderful about that.

So, most of all, why I write: I want to show people that care about each other. I want to make someone's day better and often that day is mine.

That's really all there is to it.

#atfo #hq at hogwarts #cards #wwmeo