#I Love You: Ice Princess | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

daswarschonkaputt · 2 years

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Could you share your outline for In love and war? Thank you so much!

Hello!! Of course! (You have no idea what a blast from the past it was to see this fic mentioned in the comments section of between the sheets, lmao.)

Under a cut, because I'm pretty sure most of my followers are not interested in fem!lelouch Code Geass fic, hahaha.

Okay, first, the bit I actually have written for the next chapter (general code geass content warnings apply, particularly those regarding suzaku's poor mental health and passivity regarding his own death):

I will never forget the day that Lelouch vi Britannia came back from the dead.

There are days during my work as a JA where I honestly wondered what the point was, days where the hopelessness of my work filtered out of the subtext and became undeniable. I had been in and out of court for six hours by the time I was representing then-Private Suzaku Kururugi against charges of insubordination – and during that time I had unsuccessfully attempted to argue nine different Honorary Britannians out of a death sentence.

Kururugi’s case had become nothing more than an obligation, and I wasn’t even certain if it were worth the effort to try. He was unwilling to offer even a token defence against the charges brought up against him, and seemed perfectly at ease with the prospect of walking to his own death.

Then, the doors to the courtroom opened.

There are two things I remember most about the following court martial. The first was the image of the woman who walked through those doors.

Lelouch vi Britannia wore death well. In the seven years since she’d last appeared in court, she’d grown into a stunning young woman. She was not made up of curves, or soft edges; instead Princess Lelouch was an angular beauty, with sharp cheekbones, broad shoulders, and cuttingly intelligent eyes. She was dressed in a gown of deep blue, and it hung off her frame like it was made for her.

Everything about her radiated purpose and intent; it struck me, even then, that she was perfectly in control of everything around her.

She was almost alone, with only one military officer as a guard. I recognised Lieutenant Cecile Croomy, who’d spoken to me over dinner the previous night about Private Kururugi’s prognosis.

At first, there was no introduction, simply the sound of measured footsteps on the hard wooden floor. When she finally gave her name, voice crisp and commanding, it felt perfunctory. From the moment she had walked through that door, no one in the room doubted her authority.

The second thing I remember was Private Kururugi’s face.

When I tore my eyes away from Princess Lelouch to take in his reaction, he was pale. He rasped something in Japanese, eyes wide and horrified. His hands were scrunched into fists and his head was shaking, as if he couldn’t believe his eyes.

Princess Lelouch smiled at him. The expression wasn’t entirely kind. I was struck, at that moment, that I had been caught between the sacrifice plays of two young adults, both marked by war, and both desperately determined to ensure the other’s survival at all costs. Princess Lelouch stood as the indubitable winner, the one with the biggest trump card, and the iron-clad nerve to play it.

“My name is Lelouch vi Britannia, Third Princess of the Britannian Empire,” she said. “I was hoping I could clear up some of the confusion surrounding the circumstances of Private Kururugi’s offence.”

It was, in retrospect, a move that would define her political career.

Unaware as I was of who this woman would become, I looked over at Private Kururugi, who still wore his shock like an illness he could not shake. I thought, perhaps with more insight than I knew, that the poor bastard never stood a chance.

From “Number-Hugger”, the autobiography of Declan Marsden, a Judge Advocate in the Britannian Military, first published Jan. 15. 2056.

“You’re mad at me,” Lelouch notes, watching as Suzaku clenches his fists. She refuses to apologise, though; an apology would imply that she made a mistake, that she didn’t consider every possible action before she made her move.

“Lelouch,” Suzaku says, voice low. “You idiot.” He spins around and for a second, Lelouch is almost scared he will slam her against the wall. He doesn’t, though. Of course he doesn’t. This is Suzaku.

“I saved your life, Suzaku,” she says, quirking an eyebrow at him. “A little gratitude would be nice.” She’s baiting him, playing on his sense of pride that he cannot have completely lost in the journey into maturity.

It works beautifully.

“I didn’t ask you to!” he spits. “I never wanted to—I was fine with dying, Lelouch. It’s not as though the accusations were baseless; I disobeyed orders—”

The smirking amusement that had been simmering in the back of Lelouch’s mind at all this disappears completely. Cold, rigid fury washes over her. Do you really think so little of me, she wants to spit right on back, but she swallows the words and the bitter taste they conjure in her mouth.

“I wasn’t about to let you die for me,” she says levelly.

And Suzaku – he laughs. He laughs and he sounds just like she did all those years ago, when she would laugh at him in bitter contempt, and Suzaku—Suzaku should never, ever sound like that.

“So it’s okay when you do it?” he asks. “The privileges of a princess? Don’t think I haven’t figured out what that stunt with the gun was about.”

“Why didn’t you run, Suzaku? It was the perfect opportunity—”

“Because I couldn’t let you die!” Suzaku shouts the words like they’ve been torn out of his chest. “You have so much to live for, Lelouch. You have Nunally, and you’re brilliant – you could have a future here, if you wanted it. You could do anything you put your mind to, and I’m just…”

“If you finish that sentence with ‘a Number’, I will slap you.”

The silence that settles between them is all too telling.

Lelouch breathes into the quiet, the fight draining out of her frame, and suddenly, all she wants is to put her head down on Suzaku’s shoulder, and feel comforted and seen and safe. It’s a childish desire, made all the more unattainable by the fact that the sanctuary she is imagining doesn’t exist anymore. Not now. Not for her.

“Lelouch…” Suzaku’s voice is quiet. “You weren’t angry anymore.”

“God, Suzaku,” Lelouch says, feeling abruptly very tired. “You idiot.”

He laughs. It doesn’t sound right. “You’re always saying that.”

Because it’s true. Lelouch looks up and meets his gaze. His eyes are still the exact same shade of dull green. “Suzaku, I have been drowning.”

His eyes widen. “Lelouch—” he starts.

Lelouch cuts him off. “Shut up,” she says. “Listen. For once in your goddamn life, Suzaku, just listen to me. Do you think these past seven years have just been—a fucking walk in the park? Do you think it’s been easy to go from hiking across a warzone with my sister on my back to—to this? I can do anything I put my mind to? Don’t make me laugh. The only future I have ever had evaporated the day my mother was assassinated. Anything else has just been—borrowed time.”

Suzaku looks stricken. Some dark part of Lelouch is pleased by the reaction.

“Do you know what I’ve spent the last seven years doing, Suzaku? I gamble. Compulsively. And yeah, I say it’s for the money, but even I know that’s a blatant lie. I do it because it’s the only time I feel even remotely alive anymore. I wasn’t angry? Well, what the hell else is there left of me when you take that away?”

“Lelouch,” Suzaku tries again. She ignores him.

“Your life is not your own, Suzaku,” she says. “Your death isn’t a self-contained event. There is a piece of you in every person you have ever met, whose affection you have ever solicited, who has ever loved you. Death isn’t about you, Suzaku. It’s about what you leave behind. It’s about the broken people who stand by your grave in the rain, choking back tears for the sake of propriety. Your life may seem cheap to you, but to me, it’s—”

Everything. She swallows the word before she can let it out.

Suzaku swallows. “You’re telling me not to be so selfish,” he says, voice hoarse. “That’s a bit rich, Lelouch.”

Lelouch smiles bitterly. “Selfishness is in my blood,” she says. “It’s a part of my character. It’s not a part of yours.”

She wouldn’t have made the argument she did if it were. They both know as much without saying it. For all her flaws, Lelouch has always known exactly where to strike to inflict a mortal wound. Conversational killer instinct.

“I guess I didn’t imagine the vitriol in my memories,” Suzaku says. He sounds hollow.

“It’s nice to know you chose my best moments to hold dear in your heart these past seven years,” Lelouch says. It’s acidic, but far from the worst she’s ever said.

Suzaku’s smile is sad. “I wanted to remember you as you were,” he says. “Vitriol and all.”

Lelouch stares at him, and in that moment, stood in a dress the likes of which she hasn’t touched in years, wearing hard-soled shoes she picked out specifically so her footsteps were audible – covered head to toe in a bespoke mask of royal superiority – she feels stripped utterly bare.

But it’s no surprise. This is Suzaku.

There is a reason she fell in love with him.

Okay, so. Vague outliney things.

Post all this, Lelouch goes back to the capital, and Nunally executes her own political maneouvre to basically scupper Lelouch's plans to pretend Nunally is dead.

Fic then transitions into more political scheming and strategising from Britannia, where Lelouch has to pivot most of her plans, and begins a ruthless campaign for the throne (and also for vengeance for her mother.)

One of the vague, vague shemes I had was for Lelouch to agree to a... I guess, political engagement to Lloyd, mostly for protection from being married off against her will. (Neither of them have any intention of actually marrying.) Lelouch offers Lloyd her mother's piloting data from the ganymede as recompense for this facade.

Suzaku gets dragged along to the capital because Lelouch refuses to leave him behind -- he's employed as a personal bodyguard for her, as part of her agreement with Lloyd. (He still does test piloting for the Lancelot, but Camelot mostly relocates to the capital.)

Okay the next bit is taken from a text conversation I had about how Lelouch and Suzaku's relationship would develop in this fic, so it's a bit all over the place.

"I wanted to remember you as you were. Vitriol and all." <- The single most romantic thing anyone has ever said to Lelouch, which, when you think about it, really says it all.

Side note: At Ashford, Lelouch has a reputation as an ice princess -- she's beautiful, she's intelligent, she's basically everything anyone could want, but she's completely unattainable. Lelouch isn't ignorant to romance. People do confess to her, but she can't accept them for obvious reasons (undercover princess of Britiannia hiding from her family) and she doesn't want to for equally obvious reasons (there are very few people that Lelouch actually respects).

Lelouch wants someone she can respect, and someone who'll love her for who she really is. The issue here is that who she really is isn't really... all that nice. Or, morally upright.

One of the plans I had for later was that Lelouch would have to confront the fact that Suzaku is showing (apparent) interest in Euphemia. Euphie is basically Lelouch's polar opposite -- she's bright, a little naieve, idealistic, and kind to a fault. She's a very caring soul.

And like, the obvious thing here is that Lelouch feels -- inadequate, next to Euphemia.

Like, one of the things I like about Lelouch in canon is that he respects compassion and mercy. Fem!Lelouch is not different at all. She admires Euphie's unfaltering kindness, whilst also viewing it as something she is fundamentally incapable of.

But, you know. It's Suzaku.

So, Lelouch oragnises something that will mean Euphemia can never be with Suzaku. Probably an arranged marriage that neither Cornelia nor Euphie have the politcal prowess or sway to properly extract her from.

Suzaku talks to Euphie, who tells them they cannot continue because of the arranged marriage, and Suzaku just immediately Knows that Lelouch is behind this, and goes to yell at her.

Lelouch basically owns up to it, and explains that she did it because she's in love with him, and she's never not going to be deeply fucked up.

Lelouch: "If you're really in love with Euphemia, tell me now, and I'll get her out of the marriage, but if you're not -- don't do this. You're an Eleven, Suzaku. Loving you -- however privately -- would be damning for someone of Euphemia's stature. Even this -- innocent flirtation, you have now -- it's putting her in an untenable position at court. She doesn't have the wits to survive it."

And Suzaku is pissed, because, damnit, Lelouch, does everything have to be a fucking fight? And he says, "You'll get her out of the marriage."

And Lelouch feels like her heart has been crushed into pieces, but she nods. "Okay."

Suzaku: "And you won't do it because I'm in love with her. You'll do it because she's your sister, and you love her, and even you aren't cruel enough to trap her in a loveless marriage."

Lelouch looks up at this. "I--Suzaku, that wasn't--"

And he says, "You're a piece of work, do you know that, Lelouch? Sometimes you get so caught up in your own intelligence and calculation that you forget that not everyone is built like you are. You don't have to--fight me into a corner to get me to tell you the truth. I don't need the stakes to be high to tell you that I love you, though sometimes--sometimes I really have no fucking idea why."

Lelouch feels like she's being swept away at sea. "Suzaku--"

Suzaku: "Lelouch, I wasn't spending time with Euphie because I was courting her. I was spending time with her because she wants to set up a charity that for Elevens to help them earn Honorary Britannian status, and she wanted the opinion of someone who's been both. She did ask me on a date, but I turned her down, because I'm in love with you, and I have been, for almost as long as I've known you."

Lelouch: "You could have said something, Suzaku, instead of just--"

Suzaku: "You just told me it would make a princess's position at court untenable, if she were dating a Number like me. Unless -- what did you say? -- unless they had the wits to survive the situation. So, do you?"

Lelouch: "Have I ever given you reaosn to doubt my wits?"

Suzaku: "Not usually, but then you do shit like this, when you could have just talked to me."

Lelouch: "I--"

Suzaku: "Save it, Lelouch. I don't want to hear your excuses."

Lelouch: "It wasn't going to be an excuse. I'm--I'm not a good person, Suzaku. You've always known that. But I love you. I love you so much it burns away my insides. I love you so much I threw myself back into an empire I swore I'd raze to the ground to save your life. I love you so much I entrapped the one sister outside of Nunally I actually care about in an arranged marriage simply so you wouldn't be able to leave me for her. I am so deeply in love with you it compromises everything else about me."

Suzaku: "You know I can't be that, Lelouch. I can't be the excuse you use to burn the world down."

Lelouch: [A little bitter, a little self-mocking.] "Oh, I can do that well enough without you."

Suzaku: [After a long pause.] "I can't give you an answer right now, Lelouch. I love you, but I'm so--I'm so mad at you I can't think straight."

Lelouch clenches her hands into fists, then releases them. "Okay. How long do you need?"

"I can't answer that. I need--I need to go."

And then Lelouch almost dies during one of her schemes, and Suzaku decides he can't bear to lose her without really ever having had her, and they begin dating.

A quote from the messaging conversation: "i mean in an ideal world, lelouch gets a lot of therapy, but in the fic world she becomes empress instead"

And then, in brackets: (well, i mean, killing her dad was probably very therapeutic for lelouch)

Anyway, the judge advocate who wrote the extract I posted above would be, like, the afterword to the fic. And he reflects on how obvious it was right from the start that Lelouch was so fucking gone on Suzaku that she'd go as far as to become Empress in order to create a world that he can live happily in.

When Suzaku agrees to date Lelouch, he tells her that if she ever goes too far, he will turn on her and take her down.

And afterwards, Nunally asks him if he meant it, and Suzaku says that the last time he chose what he thought was the greater good over the people he loves, he ended up regretting it forever.

And so if it came down to it, Suzaku doesn't think he could betray Lelouch.

But Lelouch needs to believe that he would.

Oh, as an aside: Lelouch in Pendragon cultivates this, like, rebellious renegade reputation, as like, a younger, cleverer, edgier alternative to the other royals. Like, she builds up this image as kind of like a rockstar princess who very publicly toes the line of propiety. She makes out like she has no interest in the crown -- she's a wild card, basically.

She scandalises the nobility, just as much as she delights them, just a little. She's adored by commoners -- she's seen as this straight-talking no-bullshit political figure. Lloyd finds her fascinating, because she attends parties with him and then just starts shit all the time.

Part of her greater plot to the throne would include throwing her lot in with Schneizel, and serving as a supporter in his camp, before eventually stabbing him in the back.

Here's an extract I wrote that was going to be like, a script of a YouTube video about her, written years after her reign:

When she returned to court in 2017, Lelouch vi Britannia was the last person anyone expected to become the next Empress. Even discounting her seven year absence, the odds were stacked against her. She wasn’t first in line for the throne. She wasn’t second. She wasn’t even top ten. Instead, Lelouch vi Britannia was seventeenth in line to the throne. On top of that, she lacked any significant political base: where her siblings benefited from their mothers’ noble pedigree, Lelouch was instead the daughter of the only commoner to ever become an Imperial Consort. She even seemed resistant to gaining any such advantage: Lelouch vi Britannia publicly snubbed no less than three advantageous marriages, choosing instead to marry not just a commoner, but an Honorary Britannian. She flouted Imperial Propriety at every possible opportunity: she spoke openly with the press, she wore mourning robes to an imperial wedding, she very openly held only passing respect for her father, Charles zi Britannia, the Emperor— So, by now, you must be wondering: what the hell happened?

Anyway, that's about all I have for the fic. It was a while back, I didn't used to outline in as much depth back then, haha.

#asked and answered #fic: in love and war #kaputt writes stuff #i have a not-so-secret fondness for these sharp-edged acerbic bitchy female characters #i just like writing about women who everyone says are like cruel and cold and calculating and unkind #and to have that be TRUE #but they're also compassionate in small ways #they're not inhuman #they have good points #and when they fall in love it fucking RUINS them #(actually they don't have to be women -- i love the ice prince/princess archetype a lot)#character: angry at the world and cruel by design to hide their secret softness #me: [literally vibrating in my seat] i like you a normal amount #i think it's most fun to put these people together with people who have morals #but also like a degree of wit and awareness when they can detect their partner's mind games #with varying degrees of success admittedly #sorry i ramble

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