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ones-delight · 3 years

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I unfortunately won’t have therapy until the end of this month (I should have scheduled one earlier this month ugh lmao I thought one later this month would be better) so I’m doing what my therapist suggested, write down all what’s going through my head even if it doesn’t make sense to help bring myself back to reality. lol. I’m very much lost in my own sauce of feelings and thoughts. it’s allllll about my ex again so ugh lmao. My main anxieties are just feelings about my ex and what’s coming up this semester.

I’m currently in my apartment in Iowa City since we’re about to start back up my usual routine. I’ve been here for almost two weeks now which is nice because I’ve been trying to take my time to relax and get myself mentally prepared for this upcoming semester. I’m also low key glad I’m having these overwhelming anxieties right now instead of later this week. I need to ask my therapist again what exactly I am feeling (if it’s like a panic attack because i truly dont know) because I’ve been feeling hella anxious the past few days (in general) and yesterday my anxiety was so intense that I barely ate and I felt sick to my stomach. idk if others have the same too but when I also get hella anxious, all I want to do is go to the bathroom so tmi lmao. I feel this way now and I just cannot stop crying so again, I’m just writing everything that’s going through my mind lmao.

#1) Related to my ex, heart break

Yeah.. I literally keep talking about this/him and I’m glad I have multiple outlets that I can say what’s going through my mind because if I keep these thoughts to myself, I keep spiraling. I’m also very thankful I have multiple strong support systems from people where it truly doesn’t get annoying to them when I keep talking about him/my overall heart break/healing journey. I know I don’t want to burden my friends with my own thoughts (it can be a lot) so overall very thankful for friends, family, and my therapist lmao.

I think the last time I talked about my heart break was the letter I wrote to him. I wrote it and sent it to him lmao. I also wrote his mom a letter in Spanish because I want to stay connected with her and very thankful she reciprocates the same energy, Apparently, he never received the letter even though I sent it over 3 weeks ago, but anyways yeah that’s a story I will tell later in this post. Anyways, it’s legit easier said than done to completely stop checking on his social media. I was doing great before winter break. Now that winter break has happened (still kind of is for a few more days), I have relapsed where I was checking very often. The break was great since I got to spend quality time with family, however, unfortunately being back in Wichita still floods a lot of my emotions where there are still a lot of memories of him and I that still makes me feel sad (luckily no longer sobbing about but I do still feel some type of way. It’s getting better thankfully). It also hurts that he’s making new memories with his new girlfriend Kylie so I was def feeling all sorts of things. Sorry, I’m trying to go onto chronologize order of events that have happened. I’m jumping back and forth lmao

First, did I mention his mom called me the day before Christmas? I was SHOOOOOK when I saw her name on my phone. I legit froze because I wasn’t sure if it was actually her so I accidently missed her call. I’m so glad she left a voicemail so I could listen first and immediately call her back LMAO. But basically, she wanted to check in to see how I was doing, wish me and my family a merry christmas/happy new year, and asked if I could come see her. We joked a bit back and forth like how she was learning English for me while I’m learning Spanish for her. lmao. so after this phone call, I wrote her a letter to update her on what I’ve been doing. I wrote it all in Spanish since that’s her primary language so thank god for google translate. overall, I told her about how I’m about to earn my masters degree in may, I’ve lost now 30 lbs of weight/having a better relationship with food, how I’m honestly still hurt about her son cheating on me (I was in my feels. You know if you ever get those feelings like you want your mom? She legit is like a mom to me since my mom isn’t an active part of my life so yeah I guess you can say I got mommy issues but anyways) I also told her that if she’d still like me to come over, I’d love to come over and see her.

Few days go by, I’ve been creeping onto his social media, it stings to see how he has flaunted his relationship with Kylie. It hurts because I keep playing this comparison game because he truly has NEVER allowed me to post about us and he would himself refuse to post about us on his social media. So, just to see how he’s been basically spending every single day with her and posting her throughout all of his social media, makes me feel an extreme type of way. during new years, she had a party at her house where it was him, her, his brother paco (which I was SHOOOK because she met paco and not everyone has ever met paco, who is his oldest brother), miguel and his girlfriend (both are super cute btw), Blake (surprisingly), and Erik. I felt some kind of way because obviously I know they would share a new years kiss even tho they’ve only been dating for literally a month. I dated him for 3 years and NEVER got a new years kiss (because he wanted to be with bros). Valentines day is coming up and it’d be their “two month” anniversary and I just KNOW he’d actually put EFFORT into spending that day with her. 3 years I dated this guy and he never ONCE did ANYTHING for me for valentines day. ok I’m getting more hurt thinking how he’s treating his other girls better than me so anyways BACK TO THE TOPIC

few days go by and I got another call from his mom. I actually picked up this time because I was really excited to hear her voice again. I legit would die for this woman legit #1 mom. She asked if she could see me and I happily said yes. It really means a lot that she still gives me the same energy that she gave me when I was still dating her son. One of the hardest parts of us breaking up was the potential of losing his family too because they are all truly good people and I am NOT the CEO of letting people go lmao. okay back to subject, I had TONS of anxiety driving over to her house because I had so many thoughts. I asked on the phone if 1.) is Lalo there. She said no. 2.) Is Paco there. No, he apparently flew back to California that morning. I was low key hoping paco would be there still because it would be cool to catch up with him but anyways my main concern was if eduardo was there so since he wasn’t, I was like “ok vroom vroom let’s go” lmao. WOWOWOWWO seeing her just made my heart so happy. She def has a lot more gray hairs since the last time I saw her lmao she’s the cutest anyways, I’m really shook that HIS DAD FREAKING HUGGED ME. THIS MAN NEVER USUALLY HUGS ANYONEEEEEEEEEEE. Typically how we greet each other, it’s like a wave from a distance and we obvi acknowledge each other. so WOOOOW I was very thankful and shook he hugged me. Anyways, his mom showed me around the house with the Christmas decorations, I noticed her birds were still doing well, she even showed me her new plants she got lmao. We sat at the dining room table and talked and ate mexican snacks. She has broken English and I have broken Spanish so literally thank god for dualingo because it has helped me. I love how when we are together, we talk really slow and try to annunciate for each other LMAOOO. Anyways, THIS WOMAN ALSO GOT ME A STOCKING filled with Mexican Candy. omg this woman i love her so much. Anyways, I showed my tattoos to her and she legit wanted to murder me lmao but she says she likes them but hates them at the same time. She also sat me down and we had a serious conversation in terms of how she sees me. She said that I am no longer known as lalo’s novia, what I am to her is a daughter. I am evelyn’s sister and yo boi that got me crying in the club because that’s what I would love to have, to maintain my relationship with them . Okay, to kind of speed things up, basically we kept talking about Evelyn’s quinceanera that’s happening this year AHHHHHH, dropped Evelyn off and her friend to a friend’s quince, and his mom took me to eat at paleterias tropicana where I tried elote for the first time and had a jugo verde WOOOOOW SOOOOOOOO GOOOOOOOD. literally cannot stop thinking about it. Anyways, random note, I noticed my old K-State beanie in the car and his mom said it was Evelyn’s. It gave me a weird feeling because it was originally mine that he gifted me on our first Christmas together but obviously I knew he wouldn’t keep it so I’m not suprised he gave it to Evelyn. It made me wonder then what did he do to the other gifts that he originally gave me but I gave it back to him once we broke up.. okay that was a tangent, anyways, that was it with the night with his mom and ughhh it was a really fun night and I really am looking forward to seeing her again.

Now fast forward to now-ish, me not doing good of not checking his social media, I got triggered because they now made it “facebook officlal” that they are dating. it triggered me because again, he refused to publicize our relationship and it really threw me off that they’ve only been dating for a month (technically interested in each other since October, started dating November) and already publicizing they are together. they moving hella quick and basically, I got hella bitter. I felt reckless and I texted him. I KNOW I shouldn’t have texted him because I immediately felt a sense of regret after but also low key glad I did text him. ugh i hate me lmao. Anyways, i texted him and he asked if he could call me so I said yes. Luckily, the conversation was better than I expected because it was simply like two old friends catching up. It was a really good feeling even tho I’m honestly still hurt about the way that he treated me. It caught me by suprised when he said that he has talked about me with Kylie and he actually stated that he knows what he did and feels regretful for the choices he made. That was a huge shocker and I do still have trust issues because I try to take things that he says with a grain of salt. He may be saying things to me that I want to hear but it’s not the truth so anyways lmao. Our conversation was good and it really got me thinking what exactly am I doing/how am I really feeling.

I really am happy for him. Yes i’m still deeply hurt and feel a type of way about how he treated me, but I can’t do anything about the past and all I can do is just simply be happy for him. I will always love him without a doubt, but he isn’t my person. I hope this doesn’t come off as selfish but he will never find someone better than me, he is simply finding someone better suited for him. What helps me the most about this is thinking about ME because that’s the situation for him, however, I know I will find someone better than him because I deserve the best.

I felt bad for asking because I am just fucking nosy and I’m glad he was okay with me asking about what happened with his relationship with Lila (the girl he left me for) and how did he start dating Kylie. He shared with with me that even though it was all great in the beginning with Lila (and let me tell you dude, he totally was hella infatuated with her lmao), they started becoming two different people. She apparently wasn’t emotionally there for him when he needed her (IRONICCCCCCCCCCCCC BECAUSE THAT’S EXACTLY HOW HE WAS WITH ME THROUGHOUT OUR 3 YEARS TOGETHER) and she ended the relationship. It did make me sad to hear because everyone needs support and it is sad when you go to someone for support and they don’t give you it, ya know? anyways, he said with Kylie, they’ve been friends for two years (I knew who she was when we were together but they’ve always only been friends since they worked at the Sunflower together. This will sound extremely bad but I never thought about her being a girl to worry about because she did a lot of “white” things that we make fun of white people for and so it kind of shocked me that he is dating her now but anyways) apparently he said that “they were hanging out and next thing he knows is that he kissed her and that’s how they started dating.” dude didn’t want to go into detail which was fine but I’m also in my head like “ok lmao you literally just got broken up by your ex and then immediately start hanging out with another girl? ok” ANYWAYS, I really am happy for him and wish him the best.

It was cool to hear about what he’s hoping to do. He shared a lot more detail than usual which again caught me by surprise. Anyways, he shared that he is currently looking for a new place to live (a house to rent) somewhere in college hill (conveniently where Kylie also lives lmao) with Erik. He is also hoping to find another job soon because things at KWCH are no longer making him feel happier so he’s looking to see if he can work for a non-profit org which makes me happy for him because I’d also want to do the same. If I’m at a job where I’m not excited to be, I’d want to also try to make a switch. He also shared that junior (martin, his little brother) will be moving to Cali in May to move close to paco which wow made me really happy for them all. Anyways, he shared that he is hoping to stay in Wichita for about one more year and then possibly relocating to KC or somewhere in Oklahoma. i did encourage him KC because it seems that KC has much more opportunities than Wichita and Oklahoma. Only thing we both hate is driving in KC lmao

Okay, so overall, I’m still really hurt about how our relationship was and how it ended but I’m very grateful that I’m doing what is best for me to make progress because this is not an overall easy thing to do, move on. I do feel low key embarrassed that I still am not over our break up but I’m very glad that I know that He isn’t my person. we will and I cannot get back together with him even if he stated that he has “changed” Yes i invested so much in him to be my forever partner and it didn’t work out but that’s okay. I’m always willing to invest in people to be the best version of themselves and it really makes me happy to see people thrive. I truly cannot and will not take him back if there was ever a time where he wanted to give us a second try because I need to remember how he treated me. If he really was always thinking it was me, then he shouldn’t have cheated on me, treated me so poorly. I’m okay with us remaining friends, but as partners in life? that isn’t it. I deserve so much better and the man of my dreams will come. I’m 10000000% okay with being single because I know I need to work on myself so that I can be fully ready for my next. I really wish my next relationship is my one and only, but hey we’ll see.

so this is already extremely long but I’m very glad I got this all out of me. I know I have other anxieties such as starting school again, which will be my last semester before I earn my masters (FINALLY), RA training coming back up (so me working is coming back), JOB SEARCH. So much is coming up and AHHHHHHHHHHHHH. I need to get my head into gear.

#personal

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lovecolibri · 3 years

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I am having a shit day week month and am hella sick with the flu (two days before my damn flu shot!) any chance of another sneak peek of your spitefic?

Oh no! I’m so sorry to hear that you’re sick AND having a hard time. I was going to try not to post anything else but I found out my beta won’t be able to review anything for another week at least and I just realized HOW MUCH I still have to do in regards to time-sensitive Christmas stuff so I may not get the ending worked out as quickly as I thought. SO, to make both of us feel (hopefully) a little better, here is (maybe, we’ll see) one last WIP Wednesday.

Michael closes his eyes trying to shut out the words floating to him on the still evening air. He bangs his head forward once into the cabinet over sink and immediately regrets it at the spike of pain he feels. That murderous bastard must have clocked him harder than he thought. Maybe Alex was right to be worried, he muses as he takes another small sip from the bottle of acetone he pulled from under the sink, along with a couple bottles of water.

He listens for another moment, feeling both grateful and a little ashamed of hiding out as the argument turns back to him. Though to be fair, he assumed Alex and Maria already had this argument ages ago. After the kiss followed immediately by Max’s death, Maria had been fairly overt in her pursuit of him and he figured her and Alex already talked it out. When Alex didn’t back off, he was so confused and lashed out, making sure Alex knew he was interested in Maria, regardless of the fact that he was just trying to find a place to hide for awhile. He figured Alex would leave like he always did and give him some time to break down in peace. He could handle the looks and jabs of everyone in this hellhole of a town, he didn’t give a rat’s ass what any of them thought about him anyways. But what he couldn’t handle, was Alex looking at him with disappointment. Alex expecting better of him when he had already given everything and had nothing left. Alex looking at him and deciding he was too broken and wasn’t worth all the effort Alex had put in over the years. That? That would have truly killed him.

So, he did what he did best and pushed and pushed but for some reason, Alex never left. Alex never turned on him in anger. Alex never talked to him like he was a failure, he just gave Michael what he asked for-space, time, an investigative partner-whatever Michael needed. It was driving him mad. That day at the Long Farm had been so easy, and fun, and then Alex had presented him with the ship piece and confessed that he didn’t want Michael to go but that he refused to stand in the way, and Michael’s head had been spinning ever since. It’s probably only Max’s resurrection (and Alex’s busy schedule at the base) that has kept the events of tonight from happening much sooner if Michael’s being honest. Hiding from the hurt, trying to bury it in unfamiliar skin, wasn’t working. But a single afternoon being able to relax and joke with Alex had him feeling more at peace than he had since their two weeks of “reconnecting” when Alex first came back, and for years and years before that. It was only a matter of time before he and Alex ended up here.

[x]

#colibri writes #my sweet nonnie friend #roswell nm #2x06 spite fic #anti miluca #i suddenly realized i have so much to do #and so little time #but i promise i'm working to get this finished!

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dontgotothenetherworld · 4 years

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ap psychology

anonymous asked: Can I request readers putting all her studying off till the week before AP exams and she starts studying an unhealthy amount, like sometimes forgetting to eat all day because of it and even made herself sick from stress over it but reader refuses to complain because she did it to herself and Lydia's just there helping her review and making sure she takes time to care for herself ect? Bonus if Reader thinks she did bad and Lydia assuring her she did fine and has an 'i told you don't moment?

anonymous asked: Totally didn't request that bc that's my situation-

for some reason when i tried to queue this w/ the original ask, tumblr wanted to put the cut in the ask and i couldn’t delete it

this is out of date now, but i was uninspired to write for a hella long time sorry. also! i’m going to draw from my experiences w/ ap this year, and the only ap exam i had to take was psych, so that’s also going to be the case for reader :)

also, i feel like my lydia is a bit out of character? idk it’ll probably take a while to get back to the way i used to write her.

1303 words

cw: femreader. food

you cursed under your breath. months ago, months! you told yourself you would start studying for your ap exam. you only had the one exam to study for, so you told yourself that if you just did a little bit everyday, you would be fine.

but here you were, about three days until your ap psychology exam, and you hadn’t studied any of it. you had hardly even watched the videos your teacher had posted as the digital learning content. but to be fair, the stuff he was talking about in them were the last unit or two of psych, and you wouldn’t have to worry about them, because you weren’t going to be tested on them.

you groaned and dragged your feet downstairs, to where you hid your backpack. the friday weeks ago, when your school told everyone that classes would go digital for a few weeks because of the coronavirus, your teacher had come prepared. he gave everyone that showed up to class, which, granted, wasn’t that many but still- a huge packet covering everything that you had studied this year. it was some forty pages long.

okay, it was, like, thirty five because you crossed out the pages about personality and disorders. which was a shame, because those are the units that everyone takes psychology to learn about. no one goes, “oh boy, i can’t wait to learn about how to test if a baby has depth perception!” or “i can’t wait to learn about all the different types of visual illusions!” but whatever.

you flipped to page thirty five, to see how many questions you were in for. just over 250, except that’s counting all the charts as individual questions. yeah, that makes sense. one and a half pages of listing what researchers discovered what is equivalent to answering which cortex of the brain processes visual stimuli.

wait a minute. lydia was also taking psych. studying sucks, but if you could do it with your girlfriend, that’d be so much less painful.

you texted her, “hey lyds, have u finished the psych packet yet?”

”yea i finished it yesterday, why?” she texted back almost immediately.

shit. looks like you’ll have to suffer through this alone. “nvm”

you looked at the time, 1:46. damn, already? it felt like you had only just woken up. you made yourself a coffee, and set up shop on the desk you have never used in your bedroom, with laptop open beside you. you planned on googling everything, rather than going through your notes, mostly because you forgot where you put them, but this would still take ages.

an hour passed, and you felt like you were dying on the inside. if you had to answer one more question about behavioral psych, you were going to scream. behavioral psych is by far the worst part of psychology! watson and skinner be damned! people are people not some computer code! people have feelings! you can’t just ignore them! and the feeling you were feeling right now was not a good one!

you wanted to stop, but you weren’t sure if you stopped now if you’d be able to finish the packet. so you kept on going.

you went another five hours, taking five minute tik tok breaks every hour to keep you sane. you looked at the clock, and realized you hadn’t eaten anything today. you grabbed a box of cheez-its and made your way back upstairs, and went back to work. this time, you ate a cheez-it every time you finished a question, or you filled out a row in a chart.

you didn’t know when you fell asleep, but you woke up in the morning with about half the packet filled out. considering the exam was in one day, and four-ish hours, you thought that was good.

as you made your morning coffee, you checked the messages lydia had sent you. “are you doing okay? normally we talk a lot but…” “wait, are you working on the study guide?” “y/n! please take breaks! remember! you need food!” “and water!”

you sent back, “if i eat my cheez-its, and i drink my coffee while i study, then i don’t have to take breaks.”

you went back to your desk, and plugged your phone in across the room so you wouldn’t be distracted. but also because you forgot to charge it before you passed out, so it was at three percent, because apparently you had kept it open to tik tok all night, and the video just kept looping. oops.

for a while, the studying seemed easier. you felt like you had less to do, and you didn’t need to worry about getting it done in time, because you had more than enough of it. but because you didn’t need to rush, you became more productive.

you finished the second half of the packet by six that evening. you do admit, you got a bit lazy in the last few pages, but it was done!

shit. studying isn’t just writing stuff down, you have to read it over, right? you don’t really study that much.

but you decided to take an hour or two’s break for… breakfast? dinner? maybe even lunch? whatever, leftover pizza, because you had just only now just realized the intense rumbling in your stomach.

you checked your phone for the first time in hours. you were actually kind of proud of yourself. you usually were on your phone every waking hour, which was probably a problem, but you had shown enormous restraint… by spending every waking hour staring at your laptop. it’s all about choosing your battles.

you quickly dismissed some twitter notifications before tapping on a new message from lydia. “babe, i’m getting really worried about you, please call me when you see this.” you furrowed your brows. worried? about you? why?

you called lydia, and she picked up nearly immediately.

”y/n!” she gasped with relief, “don’t do that to me again!”

you felt stupid for wondering what she was talking about, but you kind of needed to know, “what do you mean?”

”you’ve been offline for hours, and i couldn’t get to you! and then when i heard what you were eating, that got me worried. have you eaten today?”

”three slices of pizza right now.” you swallowed a bite.

”is that your first meal today?”

”unless you count coffee, yeah. i’ll do better tomorrow, i promise. speaking of tomorrow, we’ve got the psych exam, and i need to keep studying. i’ll call after the exam, so like three?”

”y/n.”

”yeah?”

”you do realize this exam is online, right? and at home?”

”uh, yeah.” you swallowed.

”and you have both a laptop and a phone?”

”lydia, what are you saying?” cheating. she was definitely talking about cheating.

”i’m saying, that you don’t really need to know the definitions, because our dear old pal google can be there to help you out with those. and you’re smart, so i assume you know the concepts.”

”you think very highly, of me, my dear.” you took another bite of pizza. “so, what you’re saying is, i wasted two days studying?”

”yes, that is exactly what i’m saying.”

”shit. wait, why were you studying?”

”ugh, because i am nowhere near as good as you at being able to understand things.”

”you know, definitions explain the concept too.”

”what are you saying?” asked lydia.

”i think we’ve both wasted a lot of time studying when we didn’t need to.”

”fuck.” lydia breathed.

”yeah, we’re both idiots. do you wanna watch something on netflix? you haven’t finished parks and rec yet, right?”

”no, i just finished an episode before you called me.”

”which one?”

”season four, episode seven.”

”wait, is the next episode smallest park? we need to watch that, like, now.”

@meangirlsx @meangirlmurphy @eliza-is-confused @boredomimi @book--butterfly

#beetlejuice #beetlejuice musical #beetlejuice braodway #beetlejuice fanfiction #lydia #lydia deetz #lydia x reader #lydia deetz x reader #fic

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berri-hopefulspouse · 4 years

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-- A Look Into The Past --

[ Reuploaded for your convenience~ Because tumblr is an ass~ ]

Fandom & Characters: Danganronpa, Ren (DR s/i, Ultimate Empath), [Mentioned/Minor roles] Celestia Ludenberg, Chihiro Fujisaki, Junko Enoshima, Sayaka Maizono, Makoto Naegi, Aoi Asahina, Kiyotaka Ishimaru, Yasuhiro Hagakure, various Future Foundation technicians and scientists

TW: Self-Harm & Suicide Mentions/Implications, violence/gore warning, emetophobia, Laboratory/Science stuff, Panic attacks, Runaway, Dissociation, Dysphoria implication, Neglect, Bullying mention, General assholery, Hella angst, Mention of bondage & restraints (mostly as jokes), Deadname drop, general PTSD stuff, Hallucinations, Alcohol mention, Homo & transphobia, NB-Phobia, Manipulation, Gaslighting

AN: Another reuploaded story from my previous account! This one was definitely the most uh. Chaotic in terms of trigger warnings, as you can see. All of these are events following THH, and not long before the events that predate DR2 occur. So keep that in mind. ALSO! At the time this is posted (10/3/2020) - this is the story that precedes the current F/O event going on, hinted at here.

Summary: After the events at Hopes Peak High, each member of the class- over time- are put into a procedure to regain the memories lost over the 2 years. It’s Ren’s turn, and being the last one for various personal reasons- they are nervous. Is it worth it to retrieve memories of the past? Or would they have been better off not knowing at all?…

Fidget. Fidget and broil in thought. Fidget and listen. Listen.

“You understand the conditions in which you'll go under, Mx?” An older man asked them, “The process will take but a few hours, with one of the devices we have on hand.” They didn't know much of this man- save for one thing. He was one of the technical scientists who worked for Future Foundation- something somewhat new to the brunette.

The weeks following their escape from Hopes Peak...from Junko...it was a bit messy. Scooped up by this organization that apparently was the revolution for hope and trying to contain the disease that was despair. Taking days to breathe and recover from the events, only to have to explain themselves alongside their classmates. So, here they were now. One by one, they were all being asked the same thing; Do they want their memories recovered? Do they want to recall the two years lost to them due to Junko’s meddling?...

“Yes, I understand.” Soren mumbles, shyly, wringing their hands into their shirt, “I am ready to proceed.”

Whether they were ready for it or not, they knew they had to know. They had to know what they missed, how they were connected to everyone...what their past was like…

Believe it or not, even their childhood felt fuzzy to them. In a way, them and Kirigiri were connected in that sense. Theirs however was...different.

‘I’m the last one who’s going through this procedure…’ They recalled to themselves as they got up, following the scientist into the laboratory...they felt nervous- and part of them wished Makoto was with them to offer some reassurance.

‘He’s been running himself ragged lately with tasks and plans though, we’ve all been working hard...I let him rest when I got called up.’

They thought back to exactly why they were one of the last people to be brought to this laboratory. Intensive therapy, trying to recover from the events of the Killing School life...sure, it affected everyone quite differently, but for them it almost seemed to bring out the worst in them. Persistent nightmares, paranoia, fainting spells… It didn’t take long for them to be brought to counselling once the others found out- although it was mostly due to Makoto outting his concern for them.

‘They figured it was PTSD, naturally. I knew that, it’s basic psychology... But still…’ From what they explained… ‘It seems like it goes far beyond just Hopes Peak. It just seemed like that whole shitshow might’ve just been a breaking point.’

Sitting down in one of the chairs in the laboratory, they looked to the various technicians who were around. All typing away at computers, ready to begin the process.

“Like I said, this will take a few hours...and given your special circumstance, definitely a bit longer than most to recover. However, we’re also not certain if all your memories will be recovered.” He explained, securing both their legs and arms to the chair with small clasps. Easy enough to break out of given an emergency were to occur, but enough to restrain any potential flailing. They lightly tugged on the restraints, feeling very little give.

“You going to explain the bondage, or am I just gonna have to deduce that on my own accord?” They joked lightly, giving a shaky smile to the older man who shook his head with a sigh, ignoring the younger adult’s antics.

“They’re just in case. We don’t know what memories might surface, and given your previous history...we just want to make sure you don’t injure yourself in any way.”

Looking away, they felt the slight phantom burns along their wrist as they recalled exactly what they all meant. Sure, the scars on their wrist were...older than they recalled...Most of which were faded deep into their skin. All except one, from a more recent relapse episode.

‘Hence the need to keep me safe, I guess,’ They thought to themselves, ‘No one at Future Foundation really treats me like the rest of the class…’

And why would they? Ren was a special case, after all, being hung with a slew of various mental disorders… As the psychologist in charge of them put it; “They walk the line of both hope and despair. They try so desperately to cling to hope, but given their potential history, succumbing to despair might simply be an inevitability.”

That anxious thought caused them to shudder, not quite listening to the scientific rambling of the technician as they secured a device to their head. Deep breaths...one after another. The static in their ears receded, until they heard the technician speak again.

“Did you hear what I said, Soren?”

“Huh? Oh. Oh yeah!” They lied through their teeth, “Let’s just get this over with, yeah…”

The technician headed out of the room, reappearing behind the glass wall that was before them. Taking one last glance around the room, it was circular. It reminded them almost of the trial grounds- but more...high-tech. It was an observation room of sorts, however, shown by the glass and the scientists working away behind it.

‘This is either going to go well…...or really, really poorly.’ They thought to themselves as they took a slow breath.

There was a slight crackle, an intercom. Their heartbeat skipped for a second but they quickly regathered themselves.

‘It’s not him. You’re not there anymore.’ They reminded themselves as a voice came on.

“Okay, we’re going to begin the procedure. Are you ready?”

They tried giving a stiff nod, but finding their head was basically fixed in place, simply hummed.

“Ready.”

“Proceeding then, in Five...Four...Three…”

‘Deep breaths, in and out.’

“Two…”

‘Everythings going to be just fine.’

“One.”

A weird sensation started, right at their temples, only mere moments after the word left the technician’s mouth. Then, a low hum, that made Ren sit a bit straighter with a nervous anxiety and itch at their mind. The hum got louder, louder, louder still…

Until they completely blacked out, altogether.

–☆–

“Ḷ̵̨̜̹̣̖̮̮́ȁ̶̧̼͖̥̰̱̆̈́͂i̴̦̗̪̯̲̻͇̫͑̾̄̆l̸̘̗͕͎̩̈́̄̃͆a̷̡̯͑̑̃̔̈̂̓.̸͓̮̓͂͛̆̏͗̈.̷̗̲̞͙̼̗̈́͗͌̈́͜͠͝.̸̡̛̺̰͓̟̼̙̙̯̀̂̌̓̅͑͜͜?̶͔͍͛̾̊̑̓̇̌̈̅̈́̚͝͝”

A voice. Disconnected. Everything felt heavy, almost familiarly so. The name- it didn’t feel like their own, and it rang with such a chord of familiarity that it felt like a dagger straight through their throat. They suddenly felt so...so sick, but they couldn’t place why...

“Laila?” A bit louder this time, taking a slow breath in and out, they- no, she- looked up.

“Huh?”

She was seated at a desk- one that...she(-they, no wait uh)...she believed was their own. However, the face that greeted her...she couldn’t even figure out who it was.

“Jeez, I can’t believe you fell asleep in class again.” The person said, a cheeky grin on his features. Jet black hair and light brown eyes greeted (him...them, fuck-) her, and she tried putting a name to a face but...she can’t seem to quite remember, “C’mon, slowass, we’ve got practice.”

“Pra...practice?”

Drama practice.

The word clicked into her mind, and almost instantly she sat up further.

“Oh shit- That’s today?!”

“No duh, it’s Tuesday, remember?! Sheesh, you’re so forgetful. Cmon-!”

Before the person- Viktor, the name clicked in her brain almost like it was always there- could finish what she was saying, the brunette had gotten up and run out of the room, into a hallway.

‘Hercules Middle School…’ She thought to herself (Himself? Why was it so difficult?), as she ran down the hallway, ‘I always grew up here...jeez, I just wanna leave from this nightmare of a school already.’

She skidded a bit as they turned, running straight into a wall with a slight thud and a yelp of pain.

“Okay, ow.” She groaned a bit, blinking. He- She had ended up on the floor, head fuzzy slightly as she pulled themselves to their feet.

“Sheesh, dude, you’re so clumsy.” Viktor talked to her, chuckling as she pulled herself to her feet, only to get smacked upside the head, “Watch where you’re walking next time!”

“Eheh...s-sorry.” She stuttered a bit, almost shy.

“Don’t apologize for everything, man, it’s gonna look pathetic on ya,” Viktor assured, causing her to blush a bit and look away.

“R-right.”

She chuckled nervously, not meeting his expression- afraid to express his- her (their?) mild hurt at what he said.

“Lets get going, we’re running late.”

“Okay…”

With that said, Viktor quickly took a hold of her hand, and the two quickly raced off through the winding corridors of the school.

Even so, as they started to step into the gym, he felt a slight buzz in her pocket. Taking out her phone- dated as it was- they checked the message she received from their- His- her childhood best friend...Kayla.

[ (Kay) 2:43 PM: Hey...dude, U should see this shit. Are you with Vik rn? ]

[ (Lai) 2:44 PM: Yea, y? ]

[ (Kay) 2:44 PM: U need to see this. ]

[ [Kayla sent IMG32452 ] ]

Looking at the image, her heart froze. It was a series of texts between her and Viktor, with the former talking about how childish she was. How much of a crybaby she was over the littlest things, sensitive to every little poke at her. How much of a copycat she was. How it was just so easy to be friends with her, to use her...And her eyes teared up. Kayla looked to be at least trying to defend her...these weren’t even from 20 minutes ago…

“Laila? You coming, dude?” His-Her thoughts were interrupted by Viktor, as their head jerked up to look at him. He-- She didn’t know what she felt. Part of her wanted to hit him, part of him wanted to scream at him, part of them wanted to ask if they did something wrong...but...

“I...Uh...I don- I don’t feel good suddenly. T-Tell t-them I’ll be in...in a minute…” She mumbled out, feet slowly staggering back as an arm laced around their stomach. That wasn’t entirely a lie, either, they felt faint…they felt sick...she felt...hurt.

Before Viktor could see them cry...she turned and ran off, tears blurring his-(her-their--) her vision as the squeak of sneakers filling the hallways and their crowded mind.

The colors around them blurred, holding their head in their hands as they trembled in place. Suddenly, they were in the bathroom- though they sensed the day was different than it was mere moments ago. But that wasn’t what was taking up their thoughts. It was staring into the mirror- at the square glasses and overly pudgy baby-face they have. Staring at someone that wasn't her- that isn’t who they are!

‘Fuck, fuck, why do I hate myself so much?!’ (They- She- he-) She asked herself, struggling to breathe. Even being in the girls’ bathroom felt suffocating, but it was all she knew. Sure, she didn’t feel “dysphoria” like Viktor did...but she felt wrong. She felt WRONG. Her arms shook, nails digging into her skin as she hugged herself tightly. She wanted to shave all her hair off- she wanted to rip off her chest- she wanted- she wanted--

‘Agh! I can’t...I can’t breathe-!’ She forced herself to look away from the mirror, thinking about all the times she was addressed as a girl...all the times she felt wrong in an environment where she should feel comfortable. She always considered herself a tomboy- someone who definitely wasn’t on the feminine side of things...but it felt deeper. Her name made her want to puke- this long hair made her want to scream. The floofy, glittery, feminine clothing made her want to cry, scream, do anything. Something. But all she could do was struggle to breathe, struggle to consider what was happening to her.

That wasn’t even going into all the bullying. How she didn’t fit in with anyone in her class- even amongst her friends. She didn’t THINK she was transgender like Viktor was, but she knew something was...wrong with her. Something different. She couldn’t be a girl, either, she couldn’t be. All the torture she went through day to day- with her family, with her friends, with her classmates, with her-fucking-self. She was in a war she felt like she was losing.

‘...Wouldn’t it be great, if I died right here?’ A voice whispered in the back of their head, causing them to freeze up, ‘Taking the razors and digging them deep into your neck-’

“Laila?”

A voice from outside the bathroom quickly shut them out of their intrusive, suicidal thoughts. She recognized that voice- it was the school nurse. She took a deep breath, in and out- but words struggled to escape their throat, save for a soft squeak of a sob.

“Is everything okay?...”

‘...I can’t keep doing this to myself...I-I need to tell her...what’s going on…’ She at least was self-aware enough to know that much. She couldn’t put herself through her own hell anymore...So whether she was ready for whatever would come or not...she rubbed her eyes a bit, slowly stepping back out into the hallway to try and finally reach out- after years of remaining silent.

...Darkness...it kept swallowing them up, almost like a tidal wave. It took a second to recall what was going on. Right. The procedure. Future Foundation. Was...was that a memory then? Were these dreams of memories of their past? How long did they feel like this?!

‘Viktor…’ The name felt bitter on their tongue, and with it a small swell of various emotions came to head. Depression, anguish, betrayal…

‘He talked shit behind my back… we went all the way back to middle school. I trusted him with everything but…’

A voice, Viktor’s, cut through the noise of their head.

“C’mon man, you know I never mean it. Besides, if you weren’t such a damn prick, I wouldn’t need to call you out on your shit all the time.”

“Jeez, you never had gender issues before until I started bringing up that I was trans. What are ya, a copycat?”

“What are you gonna say next, that you’re trans too? Haha! Dude, Nonbinary folk can’t be trans. Besides, you don’t have any physical dysphoria, yeah?”

For years, he manipulated them. Teased them. Backstabbed them.

‘How could I forget about him?...How could I forget about how I was treated growing up by everyone?! Well, I guess I chose to after I came to Japan…’

The sadistic smile came into their mind’s eyes. Those dark brown eyes they admired for so long...it was because of him they became an artist. That they were exposed to who they were, and yet-

A sharp pain echoed through the back of their head, causing them to physically flinch- though it was restricted.

‘That’s right, I was bound to that chair in case something unforeseen happened…’ They reminded themselves, despite still trying to thrash. If their voice would work, they’d likely be crying out in pain.

Still, after another moment, the pain ebbed a bit. They recalled something else. Why that betrayal, that anger...it was so strong…

The blog. The hate. The messages telling them to do something drastic- to kill themselves. The pressure that nearly did cost them their life, had it not been for their escape…

‘...Yet it took me until...some point later...because I know he’s definitely not in my life anymore.’ They told themselves, taking a few breaths to try and ease the picture of the blog from their mind- to stop themselves from seeing red.

They didn’t notice the shuddering they were feeling until a few moments later, but that soon calmed back down.

‘...I do wonder how Kayla is...I didn’t even remember her until now. Did she hurt me too? Did she forget about me when I ran away to Japan…? I don’t know..’ Still, they sighed as Viktor’s laugh cut through their thoughts. Despite themselves, they felt a sense of nostalgia at the sound.

‘Even if he’s a bastard...even though he hurt me in ways that could potentially never heal...I hope he’s doing okay in all of this.’ That little part of them whispered in the space of their subconscious, as memories of their friendship swirled in their mind, ‘I wouldn’t wish despair like this on anyone else…’

It was vague images, ones that felt distant enough that they couldn’t recall in full detail, but they were still there...his house- all the sleepovers. He helped them get their hair cut. He helped them with art. He introduced them to all sorts of new media that, looking back then, they realized was what made them who they were now… A small smile drew out of them. He took them in when they almost couldn’t take their home life anymore, for a short time. Laughing together with Kayla...it felt so distant, but the happiness they felt then...it was still real. It was still real to them, throughout all of that.

Still, that hum, that distinct hum from before that they realized had fallen into the background noise was suddenly at the forefront of their attention once more- growing louder and changing frequency, in a way that made it feel like they were burning. Not with any emotion, but just...burning.

Soon, their thoughts slipped away once more, and with it- the hum died back down once more.

“All readings are going according to plan.” One scientist said to another, “Though we’re picking up distress and hints of pain after turning up the frequency... Is the machine correctly calibrated?”

“It should be as such, unless…” The technician that talked to the brunette earlier pursed his lips in though, before hissing lightly in annoyance through his teeth, “...Unless the subject has an auditory processing issue. Shit- Turn the frequency down a few notches.”

“But sir, if we do so, the memories will most definitely be unable to resurface. Remember, this science isn’t quite perfect yet- we can’t make expenses for the issue.” One female technician spoke up, adjusting her glasses.

“...” The man bit his nail nervously, before sighing and nodding, “Of course. Continue the procedure.”

–☆–

“Where is that piece of shit kid?!” It was dark. There was lightning going on outside. Their heart was racing, “I’m going to rip her to shreds!”

‘It’s just a hallucination, god please just let it be a hallucination,’ They thought to themselves, closing their eyes- trying to shut out the feeling of fear- even if their head was pounding.

“I can’t believe she got another F on a math test- can you believe this?! I work with her constantly on it, and yet it's like she doesn’t even hear me!” The gruff man grumbled, the voice a distinct echo, as the brunette hid their face into their knees. The sounds of screaming, the sounds of banging… the sounds of things being thrown- it made their heart race. But they knew better. These were just their mind playing games on them from the past. Focus. They had to ground themselves, but…

‘I’m so scared, god I’m so damn scared…’ They took a few deep breaths, putting their hands to their ears. Focus.

‘I’m in my room. It’s summer. There’s rain outside and the...smell of... alcohol... is very strong in the air… M-maybe I should open the window.’ Reaching up, they fiddle with the locks in their window for a few moments before flinging it open, letting the smell of nighttime air and rain pattering to the ground slowly drown out the scent of booze that lingered. In moments, the noise in their ears ebbed, and they were able to breathe again. Thankfully. With a bit more focus, the numbness seeped in, and they felt themselves slowly relax. Numbness...it was the only reprieve from the living nightmare of their heart. Controlling it took practice, and being able to shut everything out...it was their only escape. Even if…

‘...Even if it cost someone their life before because of my neglect…’ They thought to themselves, feeling their focus wane and the anxiety starting to ebb back into their vision.

“It’s okay...it’s okay…” They whispered to themselves as they got up, “It’s...It’s not like that anymore. It’s..It’s okay.” They forced themselves to breathe again, focusing again on keeping that numbness deep in- if only to protect themselves from their own pain. They had to get up. They had things to do. They had to keep going.

Their feet felt heavy, slowly gliding across their small room and peering out into the hallway. Silence. Somber, peaceful silence- save for the sounds of the television faintly heard from downstairs. Slowly slipping downstairs, a voice greeted them.

“La- I-I mean, Soren?”

“Y-yeah?” They stuttered out, feigning a smile as they poked their head over to where their father sat on the couch- watching the television screen. He at least tried with them, but still…

“Did you take your medication?”

“I-I’m gonna…” They mumbled sheepishly, their smile flickering a bit.

“Are you okay?”

“.....Y-yeah.” They lied through their teeth- in a manner that was not at all subtle. Part of them wondered if he’d ask, or if he’d just happen to not notice again.

“...Okay.” He smiled, “Don’t forget you start class next week. Hercules High needs you!”

“R-right…”

“And don’t forget you perform for the next few weeks!”

“I-I do? B-but I thought that wasn’t until next week!” Their shock was portrayed in their tone, feeling their heart race. Summer felt like the only time they got to rest, and even then it didn’t feel like it was long enough to deal with the stress they went under.

“They’re starting volleyball season early, and you know the boss needs you.” He shrugged it off, ignoring the clear concern on their features, which fell to simple stress. A few moments of silence drawled on- to which they felt their phone go off in their pocket. They didn’t look at it for a little while, trying to not start crying at even the slightest thought of performing, before finally speaking up once more in a defeated tone.

“...O-Okay. I’ll g-go take my medication, night dad…” “Night sweetie!”

As they tiptoed away though, walking only on the balls of their feet, one thought only crossed their mind.

‘I need to get out of here. I can’t wait to escape any longer. I can’t wait. I can’t deal with the bullying anymore...I can’t take the manipulation anymore...’ A slow inhale, a slow exhale. They had been preparing it for months. Getting a passport, slowly packing things they would need- including funds to transfer from euros into yen…

‘I have to buy that ticket tonight. The last plane out for the next week.’

Their phone buzzed again, which brought them from their thoughts. Slowly, they sighed, taking out their phone.

‘If anyone can calm me down after this nightmare, it’d be my friends-’ They thought to themselves, until seeing the ID.

[ (Stepmom) 11:34 PM: Have you helped your dad out with his account yet? You have to take care of him you know, he can’t take care of himself. ]

Their blood boiled a bit, and despite themselves they quickly texted back.

[ (Ren) 11:35 PM: ...I’m 16, I shouldn’t have to take care of my own parents. Also, it depends- do you still have my binder hidden away somewhere? ]

[ (Stepmom) 11:37 PM: Your what? ]

[ (Ren) 11:37 PM: You know what it is, because I haven’t seen it since I put it in the wash a month ago. ]

For several minutes, as Ren went about the kitchen preparing their medication, they watched her type, the ‘(...)’ making them nervous as they tapped their fingers along their side. But, eventually…

[ (Stepmom) 11:41 PM: Oh, that. It’s going to hurt you if you wear it, it’s too tight. Honestly, I don’t know why you wear something that physically hurts you, so I threw it out. ]

[ (Ren) 11:41 PM: . . . You what. ]

It took everything in them to not throw their phone at the wall in anger. They saved up for months for that! They just wanted to present as themselves! It wasn’t even that tight compared to other, less safer binders! It fit fine!

[ (Stepmom) 11:43 PM: This is for your own good, darling. After all, you wouldn’t want your chest to start sagging, would you? ]

[ (Ren) 11:44 PM: I told you it fit fine. I told you not to mess with it, and how to properly wash it, and you decide to throw it out? The thing I bought with my own money? ]

[ (Stepmom) 11:45 PM: I told you, it’s for your own good. Besides, this phase of yours with being ‘transgender’ will pass in time. ]

Slow breath, in and out. Their grip on their phone tightened before turning it off altogether, taking very intentional slow breaths so they didn’t outright explode into a fit of anger in the middle of the kitchen.

‘She never fucking understands! I explained it to her so many times, I’ve told her this wasn’t just a phase, I begged her to use my name and let me just exist- but she just...can’t! And my dad never does anything! They’ll never do anything!! I just...I wanna be myself. I can’t take it anymore!’

As they gathered their medication, which rested in the kitchen, along with a bottle of water, they looked to their father’s wallet- which rested on the counter. They just needed to pay for the plane ticket... Slowly, they crept over, thinking to themselves, ‘...Am I doing this?’

Their grip shakes for a moment, trembling with anxiety- anger, sadness...every emotion at once swirling inside like a broiling soup, ready to boil over...They took a photo of the credit card- front to back, and slipped it back into his wallet.

‘...I have no choice.’

In one blink, they were upstairs. The next, purchasing the next plane ticket out of there. The next, slipping out of their room and onto the lower roof of their 2 floored house. The next, running down the street and down to the bus stop. The next, in an airport. And the next...they were gone. Over the course of the next...several hours...All of this occurred within the next day or so, even if everything felt like a blur. There was anxiety flooding through their veins, slowly breathing in and out. Looking down while seated in the plane, they noted the transfer papers in their lap. A normal, public high school. They did it. They got out. They were free of everything. Of a shitty, unsupportive home life… of friends who only used them for the money they had, and talked shit behind their back...of the work that dragged them rugged...they were free.

They were finally, finally....free.

....And slowly, just like that, the awareness came back. The feeling of their hands, their legs, and the emotions that came from those memories.

‘That’s right...I ran away from home to transfer to a normal life...I got a part time job, cut off everyone I knew in the past...and left. It wasn’t even just that my family was...abusive… Or at least at that point, But they were…. Neglectful. Emotionally and mentally neglectful... My father...he didn’t acknowledge how poorly he raised me, forced me to work on my singing abilities even when sick or mentally unwell… put so much pressure on my schoolwork that chores and life-skills took a back seat. My stepmother was transphobic, homophobic...and my mother…’

Their thoughts trailed off for a short moment...before the realization cut their heart in two.

‘I haven’t heard from her since I was 7.’

A crippling feeling of loneliness flooded their thoughts, and they swore they felt warmth trailing down their cheek. They swore they felt this before...they knew this feeling of loneliness, and it felt suffocating. It felt like only until recently...they had never known what it felt like to truly belong somewhere… Shit- they were definitely crying, they felt tears falling off their cheek with what awareness they had of their surroundings, despite their eyes being closed. They tried to reach up, to wipe it off, but they once again felt the tight leather restraints keeping them still.

“Hey, Deep breaths.” A voice cut through the pain. The technician, “How are you feeling right now?”

Their eyes fluttered a bit, and eventually...opened. Their body felt heavy. It took a moment or two to piece together how their tongue worked again, but then they eventually mumbled between nervous clicks of their tongue.

“Shitty, thanks,” They sarcastically muttered, “I’m doing as well as I can be. How long has it been?”

“4 hours.” The technician spoke up, “Do you recollect anything from Hopes Peak yet, Ren?”

“...No.” They took a second to gather their thoughts, slowly shaking their head as slightly as they could to try and clear the feeling of static and prickles that surrounded their headspace, “Just...my childhood.”

“Right. Well, we’re about halfway done. If we tried going past 8 hours...well, we don’t know what sort’ve effect it might have on you.”

The intercom spoke, as they nodded, taking another breath. They had stopped crying by now.

“How does this equipment work again?” They were a bit curious now, and it's not like they were really paying attention earlier when he probably was explaining it to them. The sigh he gave confirmed this suspicion, and while quietly smothering the instant guilt in their stomach that came with feeling like a burden for making him repeat himself, he spoke.

“It basically delivers electromagnetic waves through your ears and to your brain, and depending on the frequency we put through these waves, it will help drudge up any forgotten memories...That is to say, it is impossible to ‘steal’ memories persay- but with the right technology, repressing them very deeply into your mind is very possible. It takes very miniscule, very specific triggers to drudge them back to the surface. That’s what the humming is- the electromagnetic waves,” He explained, “However, we cannot select what you do and don’t remember...and given you have ADHD, what you do recall can vary greatly. You still might not remember as much as most of your classmates, hence why yours is taking that much longer compared to your peers.”

“ADHD...of course this is the first I’m hearing of it,” They noted, spite in their tone, “Gotta have a word with that shrink later.” Even if, thinking of it then, ADHD clicked perfectly with how they acted and their personality.

“Soren, please do not nearly break the arm of another psychologist.”

The technician’s exasperation was heard in his tone, watching the brunette’s dark eyes blink up towards where he was sitting in the window. He was holding what, they could only imagine, was yet another coffee. A small stack sat on the desk next to him.

“Nah, I won’t…” They responded, hiding a hint of a chuckle at his tone...They were about to ask another question before quickly giving the slightest shake of their head to brush it off, “Anyway, let’s keep going, yeah?”

“Right. Ready to go back under? Now, I won’t be able to speak to you again until after the procedure ends. While you’re under, you’re technically unconscious, but after each memory ends- you’re briefly brought back to a slight sense of consciousness to give your head a break. Understand?”

“Gotcha, doc.” Their tone was thick with drowsiness, the slight irish drawl slipping between pursed lips. They were sleepy already… What time was it?

“Right...Good luck, Mx.”

The hum started back up as he spoke, growing louder until his voice was drowned out altogether. One breath in...One breath out...And their head went slack once more as they fell unconscious.

–☆–

How is it someone like them got accepted here again?

They honestly had no clue. Extensive testing, sure, they were a decent learner...but their emotional capabilities were apparently one to behold. Sure, they knew they helped a student down and away from suicide, but honestly? Anyone could really do that. Either way, after further examination, they were the designated ‘Ultimate Empath’...Jeez, what the HELL were they doing here?

‘But I mean...if those rumors I heard are true, I’ll be set for life,’ They thought to themselves, shyly posted up in the main hall- watching slowly students trickle in of all ages, ‘And I don’t want to work a part-time job for the rest of my life.’

Some were talking amongst themselves, others kept to themselves but...they were amongst the latter, arms nervously crossed over their torso. Amongst orientation, they would be introduced to the classes specifically picked for each individual student, and fitted into proper ‘Hopes Peak’ uniforms….you know, the same ones no one seemed to really wear- if the appearance of some upperclassmen were any indication.

But they, personally? They didn’t want to make themselves too known within the class. After all, they knew there were missing posters for their deadname so if they weren’t careful…

‘I can’t go back home. I can’t. But also...do I really belong here?’

Looking around, the energy of everyone seemed so...so different...compared to them. So much stronger, mentally and physically. Confident. Cheerful. Perfect.

‘...Maybe I shouldn't be here.’ Their thoughts started walking away with them as they slowly started backing over towards the door…

Only to run into someone- causing both of them to start to stumble.

“Eep-!”

“Whoa!”

They felt the person behind them, though, trip, and suddenly, they were on the floor, on top of this poor unfortunate soul. A few moments of silence pass, a few classmates piping in, asking if they were both okay, before Ren slowly sat up, rubbing their head… only to realize they probably nearly crushed the person below them, and jumping up to their feet.

“Oh my gods, I'm so sorry!” Their voice came out as a shrill squeak, slightly muffled as their hands clasped over their mouth in anxious surprise.

“Ah, jeez-” The boy in question they watched as he rubbed the back of his head, “I-it’s alright, really… Should’ve watched what was in front of me.” He laughed softly, and they looked away.

They wouldn’t lie...he was pretty cute.

“D-did you just walk in? I-I mean, it’s normal not to notice me...I’m pretty short.” They asked and explained themselves, fiddling with their fingers.

“Yeah, I did...and believe me-” He got up himself, standing not much taller than the brunette in question, probably around 5’2”-5’3” or so compared to their 4’10”, “I’m...Not much better in terms of height.”

There was a bewildered silence for a few moments, before the two in question bursted into a small fit of laughter, doubled over in their fit of snickers. As a result, they relaxed a bit, calming down around this boy.

“I’m guessing you’re also in my class then?” They asked, wiping away a small tear from their eye.

“Yeah, actually. What’s your name?” Olive eyes met their own, and they tried everything in their being to keep from squeaking shyly at the eye contact.

“N-Name’s Soren. U-Ultimate Empath. And you?” They offered a hand to him, despite themselves. The boy in question chuckled, taking their hand in his own and giving a soft squeeze as he shook their hand.

“Makoto Naegi...I-I’m the Ultimate Lucky Student, apparently.” He spoke, awkwardly scratching at the back of his neck. Ren tilted their head, curious.

“Luck student? How the hell do you measure luck…?” They asked, obliviously. Makoto sighed, looking a bit downcast, and they could practically see the insecurity written in his body language and face.

“It’s a long story...But honestly, it’s...kinda ridiculous.” He mumbled, “Not sure if someone like you would wanna hear about it.”

“No, no.” They quickly shook their head, not retracting their hand and instead putting their other hand on his, leaning a bit closer with intrigue written on their features, “I wanna know… If you’re comfortable talking about it, of course. I mean…” They tilted their head, “It’s weird feeling different from the other Ultimates, huh?”

His eyes widened, caught off guard, “How did you…” They grinned a bit, a soft smile, “Empath, remember? I can sense your distress about being here...I can sense your nerves. You don’t...feel like you belong, do you?” They asked.

Makoto blinked for a few moments, eyes searching theirs for any sign of joking, before sighing and relaxing a bit. Right.

“Spot on, I guess. Alright, alright, I’ll spill. But you best not tell anyone else, okay?” Makoto put a finger to his lips, a curl of a joking smirk on their face. At that moment, they noticed the faint sprinkling of freckles across his face, the slight dimples in his features when he grinned...Their heart jumped a bit, and they laughed.

“I won’t tell a soul.”

In one blink, there they were talking to Makoto, and in the next…

“Ren?” Looking over, they found themselves in a different environment. They were seated outside, underneath a tree, with a few other girls around them. If memory serves right…

‘This is Chihiro, Celestia, and Asahina.’ Their memory clicked perfectly back together.

“Hey!” It was Hina talking, “Dude, are you okay? You were spacing out pretty hard there.”

Ren blinked a bit, before shyly chuckling and looking away, “Ah, yeah, I’m okay. That just...tends to happen.”

Hina blinks a bit before shaking her head, “Well, yeah, clearly. You should really get that checked out you know! If you can’t even focus on food, how will you be able to focus in class?! I mean, midterm exams are coming up soon you know.”

“...A Lot of studying.” They chuckled nervously, biting their nails, “Still, I just have a lot on my mind lately, I guess.”

“A- A-lot on your mind?” Chihiro spoke up, blinking and leaning a bit closer towards Ren, “D-does it have to do w-with studying?” “...No, I wouldn’t say that…” They mumbled, shyly, looking down at their food and taking a shy bite.

‘How can I tell them everything that goes on in my head? How can I tell them that it's a fight everyday to survive? How can I explain...that something’s wrong with me?’

Simply put, they couldn’t. They managed a small smile and chuckled.

“Just thinking of boys, I guess.” They quickly averted the actual subject- unknowing of them setting themselves up for disaster.

“Oooh?” Asahina got a mischievous grin on her face, “Any particular boys?”

Their face flushed...it was no secret to any of them that they, simply put, were a bit smitten.

“Noooooo….?” They lied through their teeth, even if their goofy grin gave them away.

“Not even a particular luckster?” Celeste leaned in a bit, joining in on the teasing with her own little devilish grin, giggling quietly as the brunette interrogated squeaked shyly and hid their face in their hands, the image of the Ultimate in question immediately flooding their thoughts.

“Nooo!!!” They tried to protest, shaking their head rapidly. The group of girls giggled, Chihiro wrapping an arm around the brunette’s neck in an attempt to reassure them.

“You’re going to have to ask him out eventually, you know, before Sayaka beats you to it.” Asahina said with a cheeky grin. Their smile faltered slightly.

“No, no. I shouldn’t meddle...I’d feel bad.”

“Even if he clearly has no romantic interest in her?” Celeste spoke up, red eyes widening a bit, “That is to say, I’ve only seen him so starstruck around you particularly, my dear.”

Ren’s face flushed even brighter, biting their lip shyly, “Noo, he definitely wouldn’t want someone like me…” Their self consciousness was starting to show, “I mean, I’m just a nosy empath with gender issues. Sayaka is...a literal popstar.”

“And? Popstar or no, you still have something special about you that Naegi senses! Cmon, Ren, be a bit more confident in yourself!” Hina rebutted, determination glittering in her bright blue eyes before giggling and shoving a baked treat into her mouth.

“I-I’m plenty confident in myself!” ‘I...I think.’ They left that last bit out, looking away to bite their lip in uncertainty.

The rest of the girls shared a mutual doubtful, somewhat concerned look, before shaking their heads.

“Tell us that when you manage to ask Naegi out yourself, dear.” Celeste concluded, delicately eating at some sparse vegetables she had served herself, smiling sweetly towards her.

“Yeah, yeah, whatever.” They huffed, blushing with a slight pout as they idly drank at the sugary drink that sat next to them. It tasted sweet, and reminded them of peaches… Peach soda. Huh.

Still, looking over to the tree next to them, they spotted Makoto amongst some of the guys- laughing alongside Ishimaru, Sayaka, Kyoko, and Yasuhiro...and found their heart sinking a bit in their chest.

‘He’d...never fall for someone like me. It’s not like I’m extraordinary or anything… I’m not like the rest of the Ultimates here.’ They thought to themselves, feeling their mood start to shift. However, the next moment, his eyes met theirs and he smiled, offering a shy wave- and they felt their heart start to race all over again.

‘...Still. I’ll...I’ll stay hopeful for it. It never hurts to dream, right?’

Slowly, the memory faded into nothing once more, and while they didn’t open their eyes again, they felt the sense of their surroundings return once again.

‘Hopes Peak Academy...I never expected I’d get in, especially while I was a runaway...but when I did, it changed my life. For the first time I had friends. I had people I cared about...but at the time, I was so wrapped up in my own trauma, in my own depression...I just didn’t notice. I thought I was alone..’ They thought to themselves, a curl of a small smile on their features, ‘...And my love for Makoto...it goes even beyond the Killing School Life...Gods, Hina isn’t going to let me live THAT down anytime soon if she remembers that.’

Still...there was something about knowing their classmates...truly KNOWING their classmates now, compared to back then...that hurt their heart even more.

‘...They all deserved so much better… None of them deserved to die. None of them deserved to be murdered...none of them deserved to suffer the way we all did. I hope they’re doing okay in the everafter…’

Still, as sweet as the memory was, they had to continue. They had to keep going down memory lane. And, it seemed everyone else agreed, as the electromagnetic humming started once again, filling their head with noise. This one felt more abrupt, more sharp, and suddenly they were groaning in pain a bit. Whatever was going on, it hurt...it actually really, really hurt-

“I-Is...is everything...okay??” They managed to open an eye slightly… Only to notice the panic in the technician’s faces. Was something going wrong??? Why did this hurt so badly and all of a sudden- it felt like their head might burst from the pain that came from the sound.

...They had little time to ask, as within the next moment the world spun back into oblivion once again.

–☆–

“Soooooreeeen~!”

A cheerful voice brought them to their senses, a thin thumb running over their cheek and wiping a tear from their eyes.

“Hey, are you listening to yourself?” Junko. One of Ren’s newer friends- though she’s been the most honest to them about everything going on.

“I-I ah….s-sorry. I guess I was rambling again, huh?” They looked over to her. They were sitting in an abandoned classroom, the blonde in question was sitting on one of the desks, looking down at them through empty, crystalline eyes.

“Yeah, you were totally out of it.” She chuckled, a smirk on her face, “I can’t believe how heartbroken you look, but honestly? It’s really cute.”

“Oh shutup-” They blushed a bit, looking away, “I-It’s...it’s nothing.”

“Oh really? Even though Makoto is going on what’s totally a date with Sayaka?” Junko leaned into their face, “It’s okay to feel that, y’know? It’s totally okay to let those feelings manifest into something quite...gorgeous. Wouldn’t you agree? It’s like you said, right?” “...There's beauty in everything. Even the worst bits of life…Even in the pain.” They repeated, another tear falling down their cheek.

“There we go… It’s really sad, how you’re literally the side character to your own life, you know? How often Asahina and the others just go off on their own without you?...Well, at least I’m here, you know?” Junko grinned a bit as they nodded, slowly.

“Yeah…”

“Junko...We do have a plan to discuss, you know…” A voice caught both of their attention, and looking towards the corner of the room, Mukuro Ikusaba. A sweet girl with dark black hair and another array of freckles. If they weren’t so bent out of shape with Makoto, honestly Mukuro was also very cute…

“Oh shutup!” Junko’s high pitch voice cut through their gay thoughts, quickly looking back to the blonde, “Anyway, let’s go over the plan I came up with! Alright?”

“Okay…” Mukuro nodded quietly, submitting to her sister’s behavior once again with a passive smile. This seemed to be quite the pattern with these two, and Ren wondered if all siblings acted like this...

“So, I heard some super super secret news about how this whole...event that happened at the school is only going to get worse,” Junko explained, “But with the rest of the outside world. We’re pretty sure that the school will lock up a bunch of us in here, and we want to make things that much more fun for everyone.”

“...Okay…?” Ren raised an eyebrow, concerned.

“We want you to be the one to get back at them.”

“Huh?”

“You know!! Beat up everyone who keeps abandoning you! Your so called ‘friends’ and your ‘crush’ who abandon you when you need them the most? The ones who clearly couldn’t care less about you? Don’t you want to get back at them?” Junko leaned in towards Ren, who bit their lip, shaking their head.

“N-No...No of course not...I-I mean, they have lives of their own, they shouldn’t have to pay all their attention to me all the time…”

“Even when they clearly forget about you all the time? When you almost killed yourself at the end of last year?” Junko’s eyes stared into Ren’s soul, and they felt...almost violated by the eye contact.

“...E-even so...I-I wouldn’t hurt them…”

“So what are you gonna do? Turn tail and run back to Ireland? Back to your family?” They still don’t know HOW Junko found out about their past- as far as everyone else knew, they were just an Ireland transfer student.

“...N-No, of course not.”

“So, you’ll stay. And play our game.” Junko smiled, “Okay?”

“I…”

“I wouldn’t want something...devastating happening to your dear Naegi, would you?” Junko’s grin turned almost sadistic as she spoke, harshly grabbing their face, “So, you’ll play our game, right?��

Their heart stopped...if Makoto was going to put in danger.......no, they’d do anything in their power to make sure that happened, even if- for the time being- they had to play along.

“...Yes...yes of course.” They mumbled, cheeks squished.

“Good! Besides, it’s not like you’re killin’ em or anything! Not unless you wanna, then of course I’ve got your back on that!” Junko chuckled a bit, letting go of their face, watching as they rubbed their cheeks.

“I-I’d...I’d never kill anyone…”

“Oh dear, we’ll see.”

Junko got up from her seat, slowly approaching Ren and cornering them in their chair.

“J-Junko?...” Their eyes widened, “What are you doing?”

“Hmm...I just want to show you something. Is that okay?” The blonde grinned, tilting their chin up, “After that, we can further discuss this prank of ours.”

“...N-Noo…?” They had a bad feeling about it, but Junko didn’t seem to listen. They quickly got up to leave, they suddenly didn’t feel safe in the room alone with her- but they felt their arm yanked back, and pinned back into the next desk.

“J-Junko-!”

The blondes bright eyes appeared in their vision next, her grin a bit sharper than it probably should be.

“Mukuro, hold them down, I want to watch how they react to this video…”

...Something happened during that day. Something that...even to their mind's eye, was fuzzy. They remembered that they started crying again at one point, they remember they felt violated- but they didn’t know why. They don’t remember what happened. They don’t remember how they felt after- or if they even felt anything...But all they could recall after was a faint whisper of a voice, menacing yet dripping with faux sweetness.

“You’ll make them all pay for what they did to you, right?”

“Yes, Junko.”

…

“Junko?”

“Ohmygod- Yeeees?”

“...Let my memory get erased too. I promise I’ll still follow up on my deal. I...I’ll still have my anger, I’ll still have that aggression. I promise. Just...wipe my memory alongside everyone else. So I don’t spill our little secret. Okay?”

“....Fine.”

–☆–

In that brief moment, they suddenly jolted upright- body trembling and a pained gasp leaving their lungs. They- they couldn’t breathe all of a sudden, and everything suddenly felt so loud-

The primary technician who ran the whole ordeal ran inside, quickly detaching the device and kneeling down in front of Ren.

“Soren?! Hey, can you hear me?!” No. No they couldn’t. All they could think about was how sick they felt, how suddenly suicidal they felt. Were they drowning? Why couldn’t they breathe?!

‘I agreed to hurt people for Junko...S-she manipulated me...she hurt me...to get me to play her game. To keep me from leaving before shit hit the fan...Fuck. Fuck, if I followed through on any of her ideas…To think I agreed to HER game- God I’m a fucking idiot!’ Their thoughts were running at a thousand miles an hour, struggling to breathe. Their hands were tugging desperately on their restraints, unsure if they wanted to hold their throat in attempts to try and breathe again, or if they wanted to claw at their arms until they bled.

They shook their head violently, and in the next moment- with little warning aside from their stomach doing a complete 180- doubled over in their chair and threw up right into their lap. The technician, alarmed, quickly rang up their psychologist who was a few floors down, to provide assistance.

Everything in their vision swam. They conspired with Junko to hurt people. They conspired with Junko...they...they enabled the Killing Game before it even started.

They puked again. They felt like they might throw up their lungs next, at this rate.

Why were they alive? Why did they have to be the one alive?! They kept making one mistake after another- and this just proved it! This just proved how fucked up they were. How dangerous they were to others.

“Ren- Ren, tell me what you saw!” The technician grabbed their shoulders, trying to get them to focus. Their trashing just got worse. “No! No- No let go of me! Let go of me! I- I can’t breathe- oh my god what did I do!?” Their voice was hoarse from the acidic bile in their throat, struggling not to get sick even more.

“What did you see?! What did you recall?!” The technician kept trying to talk to them, which only resulted in overwhelming them all the more. The last thing they can completely remember after abruptly waking up from their memory revitalization- was screaming at the top of their lungs. They just wanted to die- they didn’t deserve to live for working with Junko- for working with despair. Frankly, they wished they had died instead of recalling anything at all.

They…frankly don’t remember the next hour or so. They remember faces, eyes, voices speaking to them...a needle being put into their arm…

And soon, they calmed down a bit, feeling sluggish and heavy. Everything felt a bit fuzzy at the edges of their mind as the screaming- both physically and mentally- all but stopped.

‘Sedatives,’ The thought connected briefly, before the word escaped them altogether in the cloud of drugs. Their psychologist helped them to their feet-- when did they get onto the floor of the laboratory?-- and out of the lab.

Being barely supported under their arm, they basically dragged their feet back to their shared apartment room within their sector’s building with Makoto. Their psychologist stuck by their side until they were able to walk easier, before heading off to schedule a few more appointments in the very near tomorrow. They had a feeling they’d be busy tomorrow, if they even had the energy to get up.

They remember looking at the time...But they don’t remember what it was. Late, they figured. They stumbled inside, nearly falling on their face as they held their head, still trying to wrap their mind around everything they remembered.

The slight shifting from one of the rooms in the apartment got their attention though, and within another blink Makoto was at their side- helping them stand up a bit and trying to help them into bed. His mouth moved, and they acknowledged that he was saying something to them...but it took a few moments before anything he said actually was heard by them. When they were, they looked up a bit more at him, to which he sighed.

“What happened?” He asked them, eyebrows furrowed in concern. Their eyes watered a bit, mumbling a quiet, ‘I’m so so sorry...I’m… I failed everyone here…’

“Failed? Ren?” He sat them down, clasping their hand, “You had the memory recovery procedure today right? What happened?”

“...I-I can’t...I can’t tell you.” They mumbled, eyes squeezed shut, “You’d hate me. Everyone would...I-I can’t… I can’t take it…” They shook their head, breathing starting to go shallow again as Makoto quickly waved his hands in mild panic.

“Hey, hey, calm down, calm down! It’s going to be okay. Y-you don’t need to talk about it right now, okay? Everything’s okay.” He reassured them, concerned and slightly panicked, “I could never hate you, Ren…” “...” They wanted to scream, they wanted to explain everything to those eyes, they wanted to prove him wrong. They wanted to prove that they should be hated, especially after what they’ve done...but they just felt too tired. They felt too scared...they felt too insecure to admit to it.

“Just rest for now, okay? I’ll bring you some water, and..” He noticed how stained their clothes were, and his nervous smile faltered, “And a change of clothes, apparently, yikes… Do you need anything else?”

“...Medication…” They mumbled quietly, tossing off their shirt and pants without much mind to it, “Please…”

“...Right, okay.” He faltered a bit and quickly looked away from their frame, getting back to his feet, “You rest up for a bit, and I’ll...I’ll get what you need, okay?”

“Okay…” “I love you…” ‘You wouldn’t if you knew what I did…’

Laying down, they felt their eyes flutter as the sedatives further kicked in, feeling their consciousness start to slip…

“I love you too.”

6 notes · View notes

00sheven · 4 years

Text

business as usual

(taking a scary and unpredictable time and making it mor scary and unpredictable.)

well shit,

unemployment.

unemployment is insisting on giving me a good spanking.

when I was on it before I was using it as a safety net. a lot of stagehands will file for it to fill in gaps between work ( it is considered being under employed) so at least they receive some income when things get slow. it's not much but at least its something.

in my case I believe if I made over 200 and change I wasnt eligible to receive benifits. (maybe 300 I dont remember, but it wouldnt be much over that) it is impossible to live on but you can pay a bill and buy some groceries.

well silly me forgot to log sick time into one of my certifications.

you practically need a course in simple accounting when being a freelance stage hand when filling out an unemployment certification. (jokes.)

when you know you wont quailifiy you have to do it anyways.

how many hours did you work?

tally tally tally tally tally

who were your employers?

list employers 1 through let's just say 10

A) employer's name and address

how much money did you make?

tally tally tally (didn't get paid yet) guess tally tally guess guess tally tally.

did you look for work?

yes

provide contact information.

who

what

where

when

why.

have you pooped today and if do how many times.

hopefully you are getting the drift.

I was happy to do it, it was helping me out.

anyhow, forgetting to log in sick time.

I forgot to log in sevral hours of sick time and was paid by my employer and unemployment.

honest mistake.

well, I had to pay back the money, fair enough.

then I had to pay penalty money, understandable. they will let me make payments.

we are going to refuse benifits for (I cant remember how long) okay that sucks.

(apparently) you must continue to certify for benifits during this period to be eligible for unemployment benifits. that you are not going to recieve.

what I have not mentioned.

I was going through such a bad depression at that time that I couldn't even put on my shoes. I would sleep for one or two days at a time. I would leave my bed to eat and use the restroom, it was difficult to do simple things like hygiene related tasks. I know it's hard for people to understand. you really cant unless you experience it for yourself, and I wouldnt wish that on anyone.

I worked when work was available, but it was very difficult.

I scraped by and made enough to pay off the debt.

I thought I was done and got off unemployment.

although I needed it I managed to get by without out it. I ended up getting a job with the AV company (the one i was working with full time until all this craziness started happening. see earlier posts) on a freelance basis, and doing music production as a runner. I started making good money and making ends meet. dont get me wrong. I wasn't making enough to get an apartment. but I was making enough money to live a little more comfortably at the hobo compound. ( see hobo compound in previous posts.)

kick in the balls time. (recap)

I have to move from the hobo compound.

(the overlords are remodeling wont be taking tenets anymore) I am homeless, goose moves in at the outpost.

(see money breakdown in earlier post. if you think my bills went down, they didnt.)

covid 19

I work in the entertainment industry. no shows. no work. I get laid off.

(lots of other fucked up shit happens. review the blog if you wish.)

I have to refile for unemployment.

my case gets accepted, no mention of previous problems.

2 maybe 3 weeks later. nothing.

I check my account online last night.

your benifits are denied for this week due to penalty period.

the next week

your benifits are denied for this week due to penalty period.

what the fuck.

I paid the money back.

I paid the penalty money.

I did the pointless certifications.

how much longer is this going to last?

I tried to make a call to talk to them.

they are no longer taking calls.

I go online and through an online maze to find something close to a predetermined question that I can choose from that matches my situation.

it allows me to ask for information.

message sent.

we will get back to you in 5 to 7 business days.

okay I'll wait.

I have an indefinite amount of money to sustain the goose and I while we wait.

it's cool guys.

this commercial break is brought to you by the circle jerks and the endowment for the arts.

youtube

I wake up to a vague text message from the insurance adjuster.

as you can see from my response I required a little more information.

why?

what you dont know.

when dealing with my insurance company

I was kept in the dark

they didnt respond to my calls

I found out they settled my claim when I went to pay my bill

they sent the check to the hobo compound.

the check was issued to the guy I bought the car from.

they didnt notify me of a settlement at all.

they didnt inform me about where I should go to get my car fixed. as far as I know they got a random estimate and then subtracted 500 dollars for my deductible.

the payout to my claim was like 730. somthing dollars.

when I called them to inquire

goes though phone maze.

waits on hold due to covid 19

finally gets through.

it appears we forgot to subtract 20% for some type of fee. you were over paid we are going to stop payment on your check.

we can write you another check minus 20% or you can contact the insurance company the other party yourself to see if you have better luck. we are terribly sorry for the inconvenience.

yeah, fuck you.

so I call the insurance of the other party.

phone maze

on hold, covid 19

we thought this claim was closed

no it is not. I rejected the offer from my company. why would I pay a 500 dollar deductible when I am 100 percent not at fault.

we need to talk to your insurance company call you back.

they call back

we see you want to settle through us we are going to send a guy in a couple of days.

yesterday.

guy shows up hella early in the morning. (yell talks.) is rude. tells me a guy is gonna call me to discuss outcome of my claim. takes pictures. leaves.

today.

hella early receives text message.

try to text number the text originates from.

you can't text that number.

why would I want to speak to someone regarding my claim you ask.

well I'll tell you. it so happens I'm my case that people are dropping the fucking ball mother fuckers and I want to avoid any more possible complications and dragging this situation out any further than it needs to be.

so.

I call insurance co.

goes through phone maze

doesn't have correct option.

chooses incorrect option in an attempt to speak to someone.

gets put on hold due to covid 19

someone answers.

you need to talk to claims. I will try and contact your adjuster. (knows who I am because of phone number.)

your adjuster isn't available. I will put you through to someone who can give you the information you've requested.

gets put on hold.

other person picks up.

I repeat information to new person.

new person has no idea who I am. (has no information tied to my phone number.)

new person asks when the loss occurred.

I dont know that off the top of my head.

new person can't proceed without that info.

I dig the info up.

new person what was the other parties name.

I'm getting really annoyed at this time

digs up other parties name.

new person can you spell other parties name

I spell other parties name.

new person do you have a claim number

how may fucking people with that name on that date have had accidents mother fucker.

gets put on hold.

waiting on hold

new person comes back.

new person. here is the number and extension for you claim adjuster.

hangs up

calls insurance company

goes through phone maze

puts in extension

phone rings

some weird electronic music comes on.

electronic music plays instead of going to voice mail.

keeps playing

I hang up

calls insurance company

goes through phone maze

something goes wrong hangs up

calls insurance company

goes through phone maze chooses different option

something goes wrong hangs up

calls insurance company

goes through phone maze

chooses different option

gets put on hold due to covid 19

something goes wrong hangs up

calls insurance company

goes through phone maze

puts in extension number again

gets put on hold due to covid 19

adjuster picks up the phone.

the clouds part and Angel's sing

talks to adjuster for 3 minutes confirming information is correct.

hangs up the phone.

next.

3/31/20

red tape circle jerks

2 notes · View notes

amnachil · 5 years

Text

To the Perfection Chapter 1 Part 2

I’m very stupid :o I totally forgot to post the next part !! I’m sorry :( I hope you’ll like it anyway

Thomas Monday January 7

The last week of the holiday went and ended like a blur. Monday came. The end of the holidays. Thomas wasn't particulary sad about it. After all, he mostly stayed at home where he played video games. Of course, he had a very organized schedule for his training too. But well, he didn't want to be back at school either. He hadn't any difficulties and he had already studied more than enough. It was more a social problem. It would be false to say he didn't have friends, only they weren't real friends. They do like me. Because I'm smart, good-looking and Raphaël's brother. Nonetheless, he wasn't sure a single one of them knew his favorite game or his favorite movie. In the end, they liked his reputation more than anything else.

"Hi Thomas." greeted Ilhan. "You look good today."

"Thanks." smiled the ginger lad.

You don't even ask me how I am doing anymore, uh ? He had met Ilhan during last year, when this one moved in town from the south. At first, the newcomer was acting more friendly, more kind with Thomas. Now I guess he thinks someone like me can only be fine. They all think that way.

"I saw your brother on TV last week." continued his classmate, far away his thoughts. "He's so awesome. You're so lucky to be related."

Really ? Thomas liked his big brother, yes, but it was sometimes hard to live in his shadow. He had always tried to be nicer, kinder, and now he thought about it, it probably explained his whole personality. Anyway, Raphaël was still far better in everything. Even in love...

"Hey guys." intervened Cody.

Thomas barely looked at him. He joined his class, letting his mind ramble.

At noon, the young lad escorted some of his friends to the local Mcdo. According to them, it was to celebrate the end of the holidays. Most of them were soccer players, just like him. They were hanging together for years, but none of them knew how much he hated burgers. They just don't care at all. Once in the restaurant, Thomas quickly found a table and took a sit. He looked around, bored. The flavor made him sick. A new year eh... It started like the last. Well, except for Dan who was moving in. Only the idea of this made him shiver with pleasure. The two of us, alone at home... Around him, his friends were coming with their order, but he ignored their waffles. He looked foward to be wednesday, when his mother would leave. (Of course he was sad about her departure, but better watch the good side of it, right ?).

"Thomy, what do you think ?"

The ginger turned towards his friends, surprised to hear his name. They were all waiting for an answer to the question he didn't listen.

"Cody and Ilhan are convinced the little Ulrich will be the next captain of the team once we graduate." resumed his third fellow, Joël. "I say otherwise, he's too cocky, don't you think ?"

"Man, you're hella cocky and you're the supporting striker." retorted Ilhan.

The other smirked. He was tall (around 184 cm or 6'1") and definitely ripped. Joël was Thomas's partner for work out, so this explained that. Well, it's true he's arrogant.

"Still, little Ulrich is just... unfit for the role." he stated.

A waiter went to refill Cody's glass with coke. Thomas recognized an old friend of Raphaël, Sam. Back in highschool, he was an awful jock, a bit like Joël. But with my brother's control, he became what he truly wanted to be. A kinda fat young adult. At least, his personnality had softened along his body. The young teenager greeted him with a nod, and then focused bad on his friend's conversation. They were still arguing about this nonsense.

"Guys, it doesn't matter right now." he smiled. "We have to focus on our games until graduation, okay ?"

They all agreed. What a bunch of boot-lickers.

This evening, when Thomas arrived at home, his mother was waiting for him. She wanted to talk. The ginger smiled cheerfully and sat on the couch. Another unecessary discussion... He loved her, but as the others, she didn't know him very well. She always said he was "as perfect as Raphaël." Why people couldn't see past their resemblance ?

"I'm leaving in two days now..." she started. "I wanted to be sure you're okay with that ? I know this isn't what we planned, but your father and I think you're very capable..."

He could guess the rest. Like my brother, right ?

"...Like your brother. Anyway, tell me what do you think ?"

You won't like what I think. Hey mom, I'm totally gay and you will literally let me alone with my crush for almost five years. I hate your new shoes, by the way.

"Everything gonna be fine." he assured kindly. "I already know how to survive on my own, and Dan will be there with me. I know you miss dad, and I know you two want to be together as fast as possible."

His mother sighed, reassured. She was so predictable. Raphaël and him were free to do whatever they wanted for years now, since they knew how to manipulate her.

"I'll cook diner." he decided.

After all, he couldn't wait to see Dan eating his food.

Dan Wednesday January 9

"Looks like we got everything. I'm sure you'll feel like home quickly."

Dan smiled to Raphaël's mother. He had always be welcome in their house, it wouldn't be much of a change to move in. He looked at his "new" environment. His boyfriend had a wide bedroom, with a lot of full bookcases. Some old clothes were lying around. A portrait of them during Raphaël's departure party caught his attention. We're together for one year and more than seven months now. As long as he remembered, he had always been friend with Raphaël. When he had done his coming out, the soccer's genius had asked for a date. I was so surprised, back then. I would have never guessed he was on the same side.

"I know this is a selfish request." said suddenly Mrs. Muller. "But I really hope you'll watch over Thomas. He's so grown-up, it worries me sometimes. I mean, he's completely capable but... He's not even 17 yet."

"It's normal to be stressed but I'll be there all the time. I'm not going anywhere."

She nodded. It was easy to reassure her apparently.

"I hope he will relax a little, he looks so tensed..." she whispered. "Thomas is always taking things too seriously. He should learn some tips from Raphaël."

Dan made a face, a bit skeptical. Raphaël's definition of fun is very personal, to my humble opinion. Make the man genuinely smile was very hard, not to mention laugh.

"They must be waiting for us." Mrs. Muller stated. "Let's go."

All the family went to the bus station. She was going to New York, and then she would take a plane to England. A long trip, but she seemed almost glad to do it.

"My boys. You're both amazing, you know that ?" she said as a goodbye. "I love you. I'm really proud of you."

Thomas nodded silently. Raphaël did nothing but stare at her. I can only imagine how bizarre it must have been to educate these two...

"Raphaël, I'm sure you'll shine as the best center foward of our country." she smiled. "Also, I know you're still hesitating, but you should start this career in modelling. You're so handsome."

He didn't answer at all. Dan knew he wasn't approving this. He saw the little tautness of his jaw, the almost invisible twicthing of his fingers. And his eyes. They were so emotionless. He's too polite to say anything, but he's far from convinced.

"And you my dear Thomas." Mrs. Muller continued, far away these considerations. "You'll be as good as your brother, I'm sure of it. Try to have some fun okay ?"

He did his warmest smile.

"Of course mom. I love you too."

It was a different way to express his feelings, but it was just as much significant. He's also disappointed. But he'll not say it either. In this family, they weren't saying much. You had to read between the lines, to guess what they were thinking. An exercise Dan started to get used too. Anyway, their mother left after a last good bye. And they went back home.

This evening, probably to distract himself from his mother's departure, Thomas cooked another feast. According to Raphaël, he was always cooking a lot when he was troubled. Much for Dan pleasure, he was the one taking advantage of it. And boy, he cooks so well. Apparently, Thomas wasn't interested in a culinary's career, but he was so gifted for it.

"You enjoyed yourself." whispered Dan's boyfriend while stroking his distended stomach.

His rubs caused a slight series of belch. They were comfortably lying on their bed after this succulent diner.

"I can't resist a good meal." confessed the junior. "You know I have zero control over my eatings habits."

"Yeah, I noticed." chuckled Raphaël.

Slowly, he kissed his boyfriend with passion. I love him so much. People always said Raphaël was insensitive, but that was so not true. The ginger lad smoothly rolled over Dan and kissed him again.

"If Thomas doesn't stop, you will end up fat again. And I'm pretty sure he won't stop."

As he spoke, he fondled Dan's chest and belly. His touch was sensual, enjoyable. It feels so nice. Raphaël was more than appealing, and the junior was already getting aroused.

"I don't care about that." he replied. "Do you ?"

"Absolutely not."

Dan's hands found a way to Raphaël's ass. A firm and solid ass. His boyfriend unclothed them. Oh boy. I'm gonna love this night.

Raphaël left early in the morning, around 6 a.m. He would be gone for almost two weeks, until saturday 19th. Dan escorted him to his bus. It wasn't the first time they were separated for a long time, but it always felt bad. I miss him each time. But they would manage, they always did.

"I'll call you once I'm there." assured Raphaël. "And I'll relay my schedule to you."

"Sure thing."

Dan hugged him firmly. I want to have you a bit more.

"You'll look over Thomas, right ? I know he's acting weird since this case with Liam last year... I think he's more disturbed by this stuff than he pretends to be."

"You worry too much honey." reassured him Dan. "But I swear I'll take care of him."

It's only the third time you and your mother ask me to do it after all. The bus left five minutes later. The junior looked his boyfriend go away for a moment, gloomy. Then, he headed back home. Much to his surprise, Thomas was already awake. And he had made breakfast. A big breakfast. Well, what is the more worrying right now is how much weight I'll put on in only two weeks ?

To be continued

The setting is now finished. Let’s see if Thomas will be able to resist his desire with his crush... Especially when Dan has no problem with the feeding part at all ;)

#to the perfection #TP #Thomas #Dan #stuffing #feeder and feedee #weight gain #chapter 1 #part 2

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ninatastic · 5 years

Photo

@kay-licious how dare u (thanks <3) @silent-calling youre doing amazing sweetie

1. Are looks important in a relationship?

I wouldnt call it a key factor but it’s important to feel attraction towards your partner

2. Are relationships ever worth it?

sure! If it’s a healthy one definitely :D

3. Are you a virgin?

nah

4. Are you in a relationship?

yeh!

5. Are you in love?

I’d say so!

6. Are you single this year?

7. Can you commit to one person?

yes

8. Describe your crush

it me bf

9. Describe your perfect mate

same as above c:

10. Do you believe in love at first sight?

no, only when it comes to animals c;

11. Do you ever want to get married?

thats a dream of mine tbh

12. Do you forgive betrayal?

I guess every healthy person would say no but yes, I’d absolutely do (only the first time tho, after the second time you gotta ask yourself if it’s really worth it)

13. Do you get jealous easily?

in regard to my bf: I used to but it’s a hell of a lot less nowadays. In regard to people in general, sometimes, especially when im not doing well mentally

14. Do you have a crush on anyone?

me bf

15. Do you have any piercings?

just have my ears pierced!

16. Do you have any tattoos?

no but maybe soon

17. Do you like kissing in public?

only if its sweet forehead or cheek kisses, or quick kisses on the mouth or hand kisses

20. Do you shower every day?

yes though I gotta admit I really have to force myself. Not because I like being stinky but because everything is kinda difficult sometimes

21. Do you think someone has feelings for you?

bruh I sure hope my bf does;;

22. Do you think someone is thinking about you right now?

nah

23. Do you think you can last in a relationship for 6 months and not cheat?

I’ve been in a relationship for 5 and a half years now, I think so

24. Do you think you’ll be married in 5 years?

it is possible but who tf knows

25. Do you want to be in a relationship this year?

idk, to be frank: I think my life would be a bit easier if I wasnt in a relationship, or if I hadnt been in a relationship for the past 1-2 years. And I often feel like im more of a burden to my bf than anything else. But thats a different story

26. Has anyone told you they don’t want to ever lose you?

as in losing touch with me? I guess so

27. Has someone ever written a song or poem for you?

a song yes and it was awkward as hell ajhajdfha and people have done drawings for me which is <3<3<3<3<3<<3<3<33

28. Have you ever been cheated on?

Yup

29. Have you ever cheated on someone?

very very unfortunately yes, and just like a bunch of you guys I was this close to killing myself. I was in a very bad place which I know is not an excuse for this. I still think about it even if it’s been a time since then but I think I cqan never forgive myself because of that

30. Have you ever considered plastic surgery? If so, what would you change about your body?

often but im too much of a scared cat dsfskjf idk though, I would love to be much more petite size wise

31. Have you ever cried over a guy/girl?

oh often

32. Have you ever experienced unrequited love?

yeah;; I’m not exactly pretty or popular, so puberty was hard

33. Have you ever had sex with a man?

hell yeah

34. Have you ever had sex with a woman?

:( no

35. Have you ever kissed someone older than you?

yeh!!

36. Have you ever liked one of your best friends?

Yeah and it’s difficult to be normal then aaaaaahhhhhhh

37. Have you ever liked someone who your friends hated?

some of my friends have a strong disliking towards my current bf but i dont know if you can call it hate

38. Have you ever liked someone you didn’t expect to?

yeah and it ruined me for a while

39. Have you ever wanted someone you couldn’t have?

uuuuhh not really I think

40. Have you ever written a song or poem for someone?

whenever I write bday cards I always put a poem in it :D

41. Have you had sex so far this year?

hella

42. How long can you just kiss until your hands start to wander?

depends on how thirsty I am

43. How long was your longest relationship?

5 and a half years and counting

44. How many boyfriends/girlfriends have you had?

2-3

45. How many people did you kiss in 2011?

uuhh I was 14, no one

46. How many times did you have sex last year?

HELLA

47. How old are you?

22 my dudes

48. If the person you like says they like someone else, what would you say?

I#d try to play it cool because internally I’m panicking, someone help me

49. If you have a boyfriend/girlfriend, what is your favorite thing about him/her?

I love about my bf how you can ALWAYS count on him when shit gets down, even if he hasnt talked to a friend for a good while and they’re like “hey I need you”, he’ll be there in a sec Also that he is still able to surprise me

50. If your first true love knocked on your door with apology and presents, would you accept?

jsdfhsjdfks GO AWAY, I’d say while closing the door and shutting the blinds quicker than lightning

51. Is there a boy/girl who you would do absolutely everything for?

yeah, but that’s probably because I have bpd and depressions

52. Is there anyone you’ve given up on? Why?

yeah, I tried to help them on all occassions, so much that I ruined my own life partially and made myself sick. But whatever I did or said, they apparently want to suffer, so i gave up trying.

53. Is there someone mad because you’re dating/talking to the person you are?

yeah my abuser probably

54. Is there someone you will never forget?

unfortunately yes and fortunately yes

55. Share a relationship story.

uuuuuuhhhhh; I dont really know what to write here. Guess I’ll never forget when my bf held a kitten (which was only a week old) in his hands and he almost cried because he loved the baby so much. Haha, he was afraid of crushing it though because it was much smaller than the palms of his hands

56. State 8 facts about your body

I gained a lot of weight since last year which is why I avoid posting or taking pics, but according to everyone else you dont see it that much (?); my hair is getting its natural curliness back; I fucked up my knee so I’ll have knee surgery next year; I bruise easily; I have a shit ton of scars; I love my super green eyes; I have thicc thighs and if I’m very emotional I get red spots all over my body

57. Things you want to say to an ex

to my first ever bf: fuck u lmao to the second bf I had: I’m so sorry for everything and I hope that you found your place :)

58. What are five ways to win your heart?

uuuhhh be sweet and understanding, be funny, be somewhat smart, dont be a mean asshole and be nice to other people (especially kids) and animals and also be able to be fascinated by small things

59. What do you look like? (Post a picture!)

yikes

60. What is the biggest age difference between you and any of your partners?

my current bf is 8 years older than me

61. What is the first thing you notice in someone?

how open and nice they are? Idk I always choose my ppl to hang out with according to this

62. What is the sexiest thing someone could ever do for/to you?

even though I’m a switch I have a big preference for being the sub, so if someone can dominate me and yknow do stull like carry me princess style or something im all like !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

63. What is your definition of “having sex”?

everything that comes after kissing imo

64. What is your definition of cheating?

I think as soon as you try to pursue someone emotionally that already counts as cheating

65. What is your favourite foreplay routine?

kissing, grinding, I love when someone talks dirty to me

66. What is your favourite roleplay?

if it aint too much of a tmi i’d love to admit that we have a collar and a leash so (not thinking about pet play uughfjhjsdfkhsd, just yknow someone is able to drag me to them like this or being held in place while being taken from behind is p nice)

67. What is your idea of the perfect date?

something something being outside in the nature and also good food

68. What is your sexual orientation?

69. What turns you off?

super super wet kisses where also my nose somehow gets stuck in someone elses mouth Like dude r u a vacuum cleaner sdfhsdkjhfks

70. What turns you on?

being manhandled

71. What was your kinkiest wet dream?

idk I dont really have a lot of wet dreams and usually theyre not very kinky but rather sweet and slow

72. What words do you like to hear during sex?

I like dirty talk, so imma leave that open

73. What’s something sweet you’d like someone to do for you?

i love to get flowers, or lil stuff that reminds us of our friendship or something, self made/home made stuff is always !!!!!!!!!!!!

74. What’s the most superficial characteristic you look for?

probably hands? I love it when girls have super slender hands and when boys have rough and big hands

75. What’s the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for you?

I already answered that c:

76. What’s the sweetest thing you’ve ever done for someone?

I have a few stories I’m proud of! But I really love this one: When I was little I grew up in a village in which like 300-400 people lived (maximum) and next to us lived this sweet older couple who always gave us sweets and vegetable for our parents, or they brought us stuff from when they went on vacation. The man is now constantly sick, he suffers from parkinson and you see the early statges of dementia setting in. A while ago he wanted to go and get the German version of fish and chips with his wife but due to him needing a ton of surgeriesw constantly he wasnt able to go out with his wife. When my mom told me this I was like wtf u cant just tell me this, I’m too soft. So I went and got fish and chips from the best market around us for him and flowers for his wife, despite the fact that I havent seen them in YEARS. When I arrived at their front door both of them hugged me and cried a bit

77. What’s your opinion on age differences in relationships?

not bad if everything is consensual and if there’s a power balance thats equal

78. What’s your dirtiest secret?

I think the leash thing is one of the kinkiest things we’ve ever done tbh

79. When was the last time you felt jealous? Why?

yesterday a bit when my bf went out wth friends and had a few beers while I was stuck at home with the thought that I can never have a beer again dkadfjahdf as stupid as that sounds but I always enjoyed these chill evenings with a beer and friends

80. When was the last time you told someone you loved them?

this morning when I cuddled my cats :D

81. Who are five people you find attractive?

my bf and many videogame and anime characters, also my best female friend is hella attractive, also some of my friends are to die for

82. Who is the last person you hugged?

my bf!!

83. Who was your first kiss with?

my first bf sdfjsdfs

84. Why did your last relationship fail?

it didnt really work out, it seemed as he was more interested in saying “hey im in a relationship!” than in me, hah;;

85. Would you ever date someone off of the Internet?

yeah, sure

#ask #jeezus

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mirrordraco · 5 years

Text

Another small doodle. I guess? It's late, I have no following for this, I guess I'm posting cause I'm proud of me? Yeah. This is a post for me. Been going through some rough stuff and occasionally it's gotten worse and I know in the future it'll get worse again too but I've noticed my recent lows haven't felt as low (not counting the nearly passing out outside a liquor store in broad daylight, that was still damn low but I digress-). Emotionally I feel kinda better? Part of me is afraid of saying that cause just watch me prove me wrong tomorrow but at this point and in this moment I feel pretty good?

The shocking part is probably that... It's night time. I'm "alone" not talking to friends or anything, I'm just watching vids and my stomach feels kinda sick and I'm trembling a little (physical issue not emotional) but despite that... I'm feeling okay. It's been a long long time since I could be awake this late at night and just... Feel alright.

I'm not questioning shit anymore. I don't sit around for hours telling myself "if they loved me they'd do this-" or "if anyone cared this would happen-" cause that shit was toxic, it was toxic for me and it was toxic for the people around me. It was entitled, like people somehow owed me comfort. Nah. It was messed up and more often then not it was hurting me a lot because when I believed that it really did make me think no one cared.

It has been a weird year for me. Not drastically bad, I won't claim I made some fantastical feat this year and everyone should praise me. I just mean it had moments that I had to dig deep more than I had to in the past. Its payed off. I'm not... Done yet. I'm not "there" or the person I necessarily want to be at the moment. Still I can see that things have changed and it's been for the better.

Now I can say to myself "If they loved me they would- no they wouldn't cause how would they even know? It's not fair of me to assume they can do this right now they've been doing a lot-" and "No one loves me- except for _____, _____, and _____ I know that they love me. And my family. And Monty. So actually-"

The negative voices are still there and probably always will be and when shit upsets me I'll always have a knee jerk reaction but it's taking less and less time to work through that. Instead of two days it takes a few hours. Instead of a few hours it takes 30 minutes. Instead of 30 minutes it happens in 10.

I don't think I've achieved things like "love myself" or "confidence without ego" (I mix up the two a lot and I'm sorry for whoever that's effected I promise it's still in progress) or "be a functioning adult" ironically that last one might be the easiest one.

Even though I still have a lot to do and even though I still struggle, and I'm making this long weird post at 1:16 am after a week where I literally had a serious incident that should have warned me against abusing my health, I am proud of what I've done so far. Yeah. I am proud. And that's okay. I think I earned this little bit of pride. I don't doubt as often. I trust more. I just feel... Better. All the time. Even when my mind starts to go it never gets far like that anymore. I mean I have nagging stresses but don't we all- this is about the progress I've made as well as what else I have coming for me. It won't end here but I'm glad I've gotten this far.

I had help. And I'm thankful for that. This is a long post. I'm sorry to my friends and followers who will need to super scroll past it -hella selfish of me I know, I swear im sorry- I'm just... Proud. And I wanted to write something to remind myself that I did this. That I'm here at 1:21 am in a silent bedroom and I feel good. I'm doin fine.

How do I end this... Uh... Okay. Well, me, don't slack off now but... You did good. Hopefully in a long handful of months you'll post a follow up with what else you've achieved. Don't stress over it, you know you're loved now. You achieved step one. This is proof that it's not all for nothing. Next time you fall you have this to go back to and you'll know that you are doing okay. And that I have many spelling errors god-this-is-so-long-okay-ill-shut-up-now-bye!!!! And good job <3

#just for me #for me #self care #getting there #getting better #feel good #art #mirror #sona #plant gore #hydrengea

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monsterleadmehome · 6 years

Text

Reylo Fic Rec Masterpost

Since I’ve been asked a couple times for fic recommendations, I decided to create a master list, which I’ll (hopefully) come back to and update. This is by no means comprehensive, but they are works I’ve thoroughly enjoyed and wanted to share. You can also always check out my bookmarks page on AO3.

I have updated these with ratings, but be warned they are mostly M or E. Smut not your thing? Check my smut-free recs here! Remember to mind the tags!

*Indicates WIP

Let’s start with some little known fics. These are all under 100 kudos as of June 19, 2018. Make sure to leave a comment and/or give kudos if you read!

Ties That Bind* by @phoenixsolo -- Rated M. This fic is wonderfully written and jumps between multiple POVs. Also some great Poe and Wedge Antilles interaction which is fun.

Holonet Mail by MelodeeKS99 (not sure of tumblr) -- Rated T. This is the cutest You’ve Got Mail AU one-shot but still takes place in universe. Ben and Rey are both smugglers. Guys, it’s adorable.

A Veil of Smoke* by @binarysvnrise -- Rated M. ASOIAF AU that is just masterfully thought out and so well-written. NO LONGER ON HIATUS.

come and knock on my door* by jadeddiva -- Rated T. This is a really cute modern AU where Ben is a programmer at a startup and Rey is his college student neighbor. They meet because both their roommates have kicked them out to have sex.

every inch between us becomes light years by @spookykingdomstarlight -- Rated M. A beautiful one-shot that is both super sexy and sad. It hurts, but in a good way.

Cloudbusting by @bratanimus -- Rated T. Beautifully written and short. Just read it.

In-Universe Fics:

Sword of the Jedi series by @kylorenvevo -- Part 1 Rated T, Part 2 Rated M. Are you even a real Reylo if you haven’t read this? J/K, but seriously this was one of the earliest fics I read when I fell into the Reylo trash bin, and it is a masterpiece. AU where Rey and Ben grew up together at the Jedi Academy. It reads like canon novels. Not kidding.

Crossroads series by @gizkasparadise -- Part 1 T, Part 2 E, Part 3 T. This is an emotional rollercoaster in 3 parts. It’s got angst, it’s got the pre-TLJ Force Bond, it’s got memory loss, and some really kickass supporting characters. I just love it so much.

You’ll Be the One to Turn by @postedbygaslight -- Rated M. This is THE post-TLJ fic you need to be reading. It’s still a WIP at this point, but it’s sure to be completed soon, and like I told Posted before, if EP IX winds up totally letting me down, this will be the only version of events I accept. It is insanely well-written, gripping, and emotional. Just read it.

Infectious by @dvrkrey -- Rated E. Also known as the sick!fic. It’s a poignant hurt/comfort post-TLJ imagining with a beautiful first time love scene. This one has a special place in my heart.

In The Early Dawn of Happiness by @corseque -- Rated E. GAH! This is beautiful and touching and even though it’s a reylohardkinks fill, it’s so much more than that. It is profoundly sweet, and if we’re lucky, there will be another chapter.

landscape with a blur of conquerors* by @kylorenvevo -- Rated E. I’m assuming if you haven’t heard of this fic, you’ve been trapped on Ahch-To with Luke for too long. The arranged marriage AU with plenty of Hapan couture fashion to keep poor Kylo occupied.

Across the Stars* by @nite0wl29 -- Rated E. A Beauty and the Beast AU set in-universe (on Chandrila!). Rey falls for Kylo without him ever taking the mask off, and I think that’s beautiful. It’s got all the best elements of TFA, TLJ, and BatB. This one also should be wrapping up soon.

Songs of Innocence, Songs of Wisdom* by @cosmo-gonika -- Rated E. Another post-TLJ fic that has been blowing my mind. It has some mystical Force elements and some steamy scenes with Rey and Kylo. It does a really great job of showing where our star-crossed lovers are still not on the same page (but hopefully they’ll be there by the end!).

The Descent of Ishtar by @assortedfruitsnacks212 -- Rated M. This is a trippy post-TLJ fic that is super mystical and really intriguing. It’s so well-written, and I might have to light a fire under the author to get her to update this because I NEED MORE.

Id by @dreamsdescent -- Rated E. A smutty one-shot where Rey fulfills Ben’s darkest fantasy. It’s hot. Do yourself a favor and read it.

Mood Lighting by @raven-maiden -- Rated E. This is based on the closeup of the MF captain’s quarters in Solo. It is a beautiful one shot with humor, soul, and (yes!) smut. Can’t believe it’s her first fic!

World In My Eyes by @mygrandmathinksimsassy -- Rated M. Apparently I had been sleeping on this post-TLJ gem? It’s 96k words and recently completed, so you can settle down with this on a rainy day. Beautifully written, really sexy, and has a happy ending! I loved it.

AU Fics:

Blades Crossed by @the-reylo-void -- Rated M. A really amazing figure skating modern AU a la The Cutting Edge.

Stranger Than Fiction by @daxwashere -- Rated E. Seriously? Probably my favorite modern AU ever. Ben Solo is an author who needs to give his main character a love interest; enter Rey, his muse. It deals with some pretty real shit while also being incredibly full of heart (and some hot smut!).

Left Handed Kisses by @ever-so-reylo -- Rated E. The fuck buddies to lovers AU I never knew I needed. Rey is an Assistant District Attorney and Ben is a criminal defense lawyer. It’s hot, it’s sweet, it’s got lots of emotional constipation - you won’t be disappointed.

In the Name of Magic series by @waterlilyrose -- Part 1 E, Part 2 E, Part 3 T. The Hogwarts AU of my dreams! Kylo is a Snape-ish professor in Slytherin and Rey is a Gryffindor professor (of course). It’s great because it incorporates everything you love about Hogwarts, but focuses on the teachers instead of the students. Luke is Headmaster and Leia is Minister for Magic and there’s a very special painting of a snarky muggle that steals quite a few scenes. I absolutely adore this fic.

Dark Horse by @womp-rat-fever -- Rated T. This was a gift to me that I won in a tumblr giveaway. It is the Outlaw!Ben / Sheriff!Rey AU you never knew you always wanted! It’s a one-shot but it’s packed with action and pretty hot, too. I also made a playlist for it here.

The Promise by @nerdherderette -- Rated E. Wow. This is the most enthralled I think I’ve been with a one-shot. It’s 13k words, but reads like a 500 page historical fiction novel. If you like The Count of Monte Cristo, this is the fic for you.

Bedroom Hymns* by @drnucleus -- Rated E. Modern AU where Rey is a psychologist and Ben is an architect. Healthy BDSM where Rey is the Dom and Ben is the sub (although they haven’t quite gotten that far in the relationship yet). This is just really smart and eloquent. I’m a fan.

Fire Away* by @reylolujah -- Not rated. Disclaimer: I’ve only read the first chapter of this, but it’s SO GOOD. Laser tag AU with a really funny and great set up. Excited to see where it’s going! (I have it on good authority that we’re getting a half-naked Ben in a forthcoming chapter.)

A/B/O Dynamics:

Yes, I finally needed to add a section just for a/b/o. Sorry not sorry because I love it now. These are all E, for obvious reasons.

Your Pretty Little Heart by @ever-so-reylo -- modern AU where Ben and Rey are both doctors. And both terrible at admitting their feelings. It’s hot and super-well written. A good starter a/b/o fic!

Hunger* by @benperor-ren -- a canonverse a/b/o that picks up after Crait but with Rey in heat and Kylo coming to her aid, *wink wink nod nod*

Algorithms* by @grey-orchids -- the only first person POV fic I’ve ever enjoyed. This one is done so well it almost subverts the trope? Rey is a feminist and an IT person at a tech company run by Kylo. She goes into heat and things get interesting. *waggles eyebrows*

Summer Heat* by @isharan -- slow burn a/b/o you say? Yeah, and it hella works. Rey goes to spend the summer at her granfather’s cabin in Canada and is drawn to the outcast alpha Ben. It’s soooo good.

the thick of it* by @dvrkrey -- so steamy. It’s got hunter!Rey and lead alpha of the pack Kylo and Dothraki vibes for sure. Just check it out, you’ll like it. ;)

No One But You* by @faequeentitania -- a canonverse a/b/o started for Reylo week that started as mostly smut and now has plot! It’s really engaging and I’m excited for the last few chapters!

Hawthorne House by @strawberrycupcakehuckleberrypie -- I recently binged this and it is sweet/hot/amazing. Rey works at a B&B in Savannah, Ben Solo is a guest during a hurricane.

Oh and since people have also mentioned it, I will link to my works here at the bottom:

Dawn of the Rebellion series -- Rated T parts 1 & 2. This started as a one-shot I couldn’t get out of my head, then got a multi-chapter second part added on by popular demand. It’s my EP IX imaginings and it’s full of soft Reylo. There is a smutty epilogue in the works.

Truth Be Told* -- Rated M. The Alias AU I started for the RFFA exchange and am now taking too long to finish. If you like espionage and UST, I’ve got you covered!

smutty one-shots (all E): Chariot (modern AU) | Training Day (canon-verse) | Code 288 (Brooklyn 99 inspired) | Careless Whisper (80′s AU)

That’s about it for now, but I’ve got about 5 pages of “marked for later” fics I need to dig into, so keep an eye out for this list to be updated!

#reylo fic rec masterpost #reylo fanfic rec #reylo fanfiction #reylo fanfic #reylo fic

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nikatyler · 6 years

Photo

Finished reading Simon vs the Homo Sapiens Agenda today...loved it. So freaking much. Now I’m even more upset that the movie is not coming to my town’s cinema. Smh. Homophobia. Funny thing is, I spotted two posters of it at my school. Anyway, the book was sweet and in a way very relatable. Also, I read it in English and it was awesome. Did I mention I love reading English books and I hate waiting for translations? Not the case with this one, it’s been already translated, I just wanted to read it in English. But yeah. English is beautiful. And this book was beautiful. And I’m starting to ramble.

It’s my last week of school! On Friday, I’ll be free for two months, and then in September, the hell also known as the last year of high school starts. I’m freaking out already. But hey, let’s focus on the fact summer is starting.

Gen 5 will be over soon, I have finished playing it already. When it’s done posting, there’s a new(ish) legacy in the queue. I’ve been playing it since March and oh my god, I love it so much. At first it was pure gameplay, now it’s...not so pure gameplay. I’m having so much fun with it, and one of my otps (you simply can’t have just one otp, let’s be real) is there. I took a really cute picture of them today and I think I died and my ghost is writing all of this. Seriously. Why am I so obsessed with them? Eh, I don’t know. But I’m not gonna spoil much. It’s a wild mess, as you would probably expect from this person that calls herself simmeronnie on this website.

Sorry there haven’t been replies for a few...weeks? Like two or three? I don’t think I can keep up with this “replies every Sunday” thing I came up with :D Also, real life is busy and I’m currently an introvert forced to talk to people. Real people in real life. Not fun but also very fun, mainly because I’m hella awkward and when it’s done, I can laugh at it. Not that it helps with my anxiety, nope. We can’t have nice things.

Side note: Why is the word hella in my vocabulary now?

create-a-sim replied to your photoset “Nevermind. I’m not going anywhere.”

Ah yes!!!

I love them together. I’m kind of sad I had to simplify their (and Aurora and Amarante’s) storyline because I didn’t have time and I didn’t want to take another break, but this isn’t so bad either, I think. I’ve done much worse. Making things simple and cutting down the storyline isn’t always for the best. *cough* *cough* Caleb and Angel *cough* *cough*

reverieinsimlish replied to your photoset “Whaaat, it’s morning again? Do I really have to wake up?”

Same. Like every day.

Me too

cordialsister replied to your photoset “My children are growing up today! They’ll be adults! No freaking...”

so cute ��

I swear, she has the sweetest smile in the whole legacy.

chiefdancingbear replied to your photoset “Rude. That’s just rude. Don’t make me fire you.”

OMG!! That is classic! I love that you got this shot! XD

Also.......wondering if you can get this reaction in sims 4?

Oooh, I don’t know! I didn’t get to play with butlers yet...and I’ve had Vintage Glamour for half a year. Whoops.

daybreaksims replied to your photoset “Tyler: “Are we…really going to fight about this?” Caleb: “I guess.”...”

I almost feel like Bianca showed up again to remind me that it's my fault if she doesn't have her own grandkids...

I just realized that considering I don’t have Story Progression in my game anymore, she won’t get any from me either. But hey, don’t worry about that! Just play ts3 when you feel like playing it!

amixofpixels replied to your photoset “Tyler: “Look at my grandkids being all grown up!” Caleb: “Look at my...”

The shade is real.

This is Caleb’s revenge for all these years living with a stupid nickname Tyler created and I love it.

dreamsongsims replied to your photoset “Lydia: I’m going to pee my pants. I know it. But the worst ghost is...”

LOL

No one respects the founder’s husband, starting with me and ending with his great-great-great-grandkids (and I’m not even sure if I got that right, too many greats there)

claimingthefifth replied to your photoset “why am I getting so emotional over two dumb old sims can someone...”

It's simple >>>They're your children.

I mean, you’re not wrong. They kind of are

I am the Mother of Roses

jackssims replied to your photoset “I’m sorry if you’re getting sick of the elderly spam but I’m actually...”

Caleb's a Mood tbh

He’s always been a mood and I love him for that

simlovinggirl replied to your photoset “For once, Lydia is going to school on time.”

She looks like she's only there cause Sammy blackmailed her into being on time lol ♥

Actually, I’m pretty sure that’s exactly how it was. It would be so in character.

melien replied to your photoset “*i had a cute conversation planned here but a day later i can’t...”

Big mood

Pretty much

I still can’t remember what I wanted them to talk about here

melien replied to your photoset “If you got a minute Get down your idea It may do wonders Maybe...”

Step one believe in it and sing it all day long Step two just roll with it that's how you write a song

Thank you so much I only managed to get this jam out of my head recently

For someone who’s never given a shit about ESC, I was really obsessed this year. (mainly because for once my country sent a not so bad singer there) And I’m fairly sure this one was the catchiest song.

Anyway, pro tip: If you wanna get rid of it, just listen to Heathers instead. You’ll have the same problem but different songs. Eh, not sure what advice I’m trying to give there.

(but seriously guys, Heathers are good)

#replies #create-a-sim #reverieinsimlish #cordialsister #chiefdancingbear #daybreaksims #amixofpixels #claimingthefifth #jackssims #simlovinggirl #melien

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kutemouse · 3 years

Text

Update to my Big Announcement

Warning(s): Pregnancy, morning sickness, surgery, and swears.

TL,DR at the end.

Hey kuties~

Been a while.

I cannot apologize enough for having been gone for like... a year. Literally a year. Lemme spill some tea on what has happened since July 2020 when I found out I was pregnant.

So, shortly after I posted my Big Announcement in which I said I’d finish all my ongoing projects (LOL), I got sick. Like, it was regular pregnancy sickness, but worse. I was throwing up ALL the damn time. It was bad. I couldn’t move off my couch let alone think up beautiful words to write you all, and I am so sorry for that.

So, my second trimester rolls around, and my morning sickness as well as Covid takes a turn for the better, so the little shop that I work for opens back up. But then, my Assistant Manager quits to pursue his art (which I fully support! His art is amazing x 12,000). My Manager offers me the position. So here I am, fully pregnant, and going from working 2-3 days a week in 5 hour shifts to working a full 40 hour work week. Then Christmas rolls around, which for retail is like a living hell, so I’m working hella overtime. All while pregnant in the middle of a pandemic. To say I was sanitizing my hands every 5 minutes is an understatement.

I am very lucky. I’ve never had Covid. I didn’t go outside or visit people once during the pandemic, and it’s only recently I’ve begun to see my family regularly again. It was nuts.

Anyway, the point is, I had no time to write, and even if I did, I spent it sleeping because holy fuck, pregnancy makes you tired and it’s not like the morning sickness ever fully went away, it just lessened.

So my third trimester rolls around, and I am still working anywhere from 40-55 hours a week all while being UNCOMFORTABLY PREGNANT. Yes, I am crazy. It got to the point where I was so huge, I couldn’t bend over any more to pick up merch people had thrown on the floor.

That was when I turned in my resignation. I’ve always wanted to quit work to be a full-time mom and writer, and this was my chance! Right?! WRONG. So I quit 2 weeks before I was due, and in that time, I was quarantining, but I was setting up everything for the baby and also resting, because fuck, just walking around the house made me tired. Pregnancy is a wild ride, my peoples. So again, not really any time to write.

So then, I have my baby. And she is freaking BEAUTIFUL (yes, she is a girl!) and amazing, and... so damn high maintenance. I mean, that’s just babies in general, but my little girl is so goddamn picky about everything. She was not one of those babies that would just eat and sleep a lot, she required a ton of attention. Not only that, but I had to have her via emergency c-section because she decided to come a week late, and her heartbeat started dropping because my placenta decided it had enough and started to give out, so I was on the couch AGAIN not able to really move or do anything besides feed my baby, sleep, and eat.

So my baby girl is 3 months old, and she finally got to the point where I had actual free time during the day. But then... I started having pain. Real bad pain, in my back. Like the type of back pain where you are immobilized in bed, not being able to move because it hurts so badly. It got to the point where the pain would only go away when I threw up.

Y’all, I legit thought I was pregnant again, and I was about to give up because holy fuck, I was not ready.

So I went to the doctor. Turns out my gall bladder was super inflamed with a bunch of little stones in it. So I had to get it taken out. Yep, you read that right. I had 2 SURGERIES IN 4 MONTHS.

Fuck. Me.

Anyways, so now I’m all healed up, my pain is finally gone, my little one is 4 months old and actually takes long naps now, and I finally, finally, finally have time/energy/motivation to write.

So here I am! I’m back! And as an olive branch/apology present, I have finished “And Then He was Gray!” Yep, I’m posting the last two parts over the next two days (one per day) so you can have that, at least. I’m still keeping requests closed for now until I get caught up (which honestly, might take another whole year tbh). I’m planning on posting regularly again, but it will be very slow, and nowhere near as consistent. Sorry everyone, I’ve got a little baby to take care of, and well, as I’ve learned, shit happens!

Thank you for all your understanding and support in advance. It’s such a pleasure to write for you all, and I honestly do love it. I wish I had more time in the day, but hey, what can you do?

Love you kuties <3

TL,DR: I got pregnant, was really sick from the pregnancy, then got promoted to full-time at work, then had a baby, then had gall bladder surgery, and now I’m finally healed up with enough energy to write for you all again.

#Update #Announcement #Thank you for the support #I'm back #I promise #Life Update

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ever-at-your-side-15 · 6 years

Text

tagged by @countingpaperstars (Aaaaahhh…! Thank Youu! :D)

What is your total word count on AO3?

179,087 words apparently. xD I actually didn’t realize how many words I’ve posted before now, so this was pretty exciting to see, considering I only started publishing stuff on ao3 at the end of last July. ^-^

How often do you write?

The intent/desire is pretty much there 24/7, but I tend to get very easily distracted when I want to write, so exactly HOW distracted I am usually determines if I get any significant amounts of writing done. Also, unfortunately due to the fact that my job likes to keep me SUPER busy along with other obligations I have, I don’t usually get too much time during the week to write. So realistically, the bulk of my writing happens most of the time on weekends.

Do you have a routine for writing?

Hmmm…. I don’t know if I so much have a specific routine, though I do know what my ideal conditions with writing would be! I love being able to sit outside on a nice day, feel a nice breeze while listening to a combination of the ambient sounds of life going on around me accompanied by listening to the various OSTs I have downloaded on my phone while I’m writing.

What are your favorite kinks/tropes/pairing?

Kinks: Gosh… I enjoy such a huge variety of kinks, I wouldn’t even know where to start listing them…. xD I’m honestly open to just about anything, so bring on all the crazy and super kinky action…!

Tropes: I like a whole bunch of tropes too, but the ones that really come to mind right now are: Sick-fics/art (I will literally never get enough of this >:D), Niflheim Prince!Prompto (the arranged marriage trope between Noct and Prompto is like A++), and MT!Prompto are toats my jam. Brotherhood era fics are also seriously amazing, as well as Fix-it endings where Noct and Prom get to live happily ever after. What can I say…? I’m 100% a sucker for happy endings.

Pairings: I know that absolutely no-one is going to be surprised to hear that Promptis is 100% my ship of choice... but while I only ever write Promptis, I’m a bit more flexible when it comes to reading stuff. I’ve definitely read and enjoyed some pretty satisfying OT4 fics and Promnyx is another ship I haven’t really delved much into, but what I have seen is pretty gosh darn cute. :D If we want to go to the more angst-y side of things, I will also never say no to some good ol’ Promdyn. Sorry Prom!! ;_; (Do you notice a bit of a trend here? xD)

Do you have a favorite fic of yours?

I’ve definitely poured the most time, effort and love into Against All Odds, so I have a hell of a lot of love for that, and tbh I still really enjoy just about everything I’ve put up on Ao3. Though, I have to say that there’s definitely a special place in my heart for my one fic, Starlit Waltz. It was such a random spark of inspiration and I had more fun writing it than just about anything else I’ve written. Another special shout out to Surprise, because that was also hella fun to write and it was because of that fic that I met my gurl @niansue, who has pretty much become my partner in crime for all things Promptis. ;D

Your fic with the most kudos?

Against All Odds! Not really any surprise here, seeing as pretty much all my other fics are just one and/or two-shots. ;D

Anything you don’t like about your writing?

Sometimes I feel like I get really fired up with some idea or another and then get caught up in the process of planning and writing out the fic, and then that original idea sometimes gets completely lost in the equation and/or I’m not able to do the original idea justice. Then, I end up missing out on the whole reason I started writing that particular fic in the first place, which kinda stinks.

Now something you do like (about your writing)?

Hmmmmm… I have a pretty love-hate relationship with my writing sometimes tbh, but I do feel like I am pretty good at descriptions and I always try to make sure that I write stuff as accurately as possible. Like, if I haven’t personally experienced something that I want to happen in my fics, I usually like to research that topic as best I can, so I can tackle it as realistically as possible. There are still certain liberties that I take every now and again, but I usually try my best to keep stuff believable.

I’m gonna go ahead and tag @chikelo @seladorie @starofinsomnia @yallneedtrashjesus @peachy-favi Feel free to do or not, and if anyone reading this wants to do as well, consider yourself tagged! :D

#tag meme #yooo #this was really fun #thanks for the tag mils!#writing things

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thelastpilot · 6 years

Text

Miss Me- One Shot

I was talking with @tides-miraculous who, while we were talking about criminal lack of Nino (and Adrien’s interaction with Nino), mentioned jokingly that Nino could straight up move to Morocco and no one would notice. And then I proceeded to send to a 4k word one shot about exactly that. So keep in mind this was all in a text long so it isnt fantastic and the grammar isn’t wonderful lol, but I wanted to post it anyways. (Tide’s commentary has been kept lol) ((also i know phones dont work on planes just let me have this))

Angsty Nino one shot below the cut

tides-miraculous

Boy could move to morocco tomorrow and you won't notice

thelastpilot

it would take adrien three days to notice he wasnt there

tides-miraculous

Adrien: *calls nino* " Hey, Nino you sick or something haven't seen u in a while

Nino: *hangs up*

thelastpilot

aw thats sad

aw that makes me really sad and i just had a whole idea for it

tides-miraculous

…listen

Why we gotta back the salt angsty

thelastpilot

bruh this is our thing, you say something sad and i make it worse

its always time for salt on the pain train

tides-miraculous

It's hella sad cuz man. Minus headcanons and crap we got nothing to back them up and be like "naah this shit ain't happening"

Cuz boi we know Nino cares. He got akumatized

For his frickin b-day but besides that nothing really on Adriens side

Not to mention all the hugs

Daamit Nino you're too good for him what is This?!!?

I'm so confused I'm trying to actually think or canon stuff to back them up and filtering fandom stuff and HOLY shit!??!

thelastpilot

He was thinking 3,000 miles. That was about his current guess. Nino awkwardly shifted the mishappen box in his arms to tap his phone awake from sleep mode, and looked for a moment at the photo of him and adrien on his lock screen. That was an old photo... Maybe 4,000 then. Nino tried to ignore it as he placed the last of his things in the car, taking off his hat and throwing it into the backseat. The car hadnt been started yet and his parents were still inside, and despite how crowded Paris was for the moment he was alone on the sidewalk. He tapped his phone again. He was bound to be halfway gone before anybody even realized

tides-miraculous

AAAA NO

NINO

U DEADASS GOING TO MAKE ME CRY

thelastpilot

He was 3,728 miles away before he got a text. He was nearly 4,000 before he got a call. and after that, the calls never stopped. Nino felt himself curling inward in the plane's seat as he screwed his eyes shut, furiously ignoring how his phone shook in his hands. Or maybe it was just him. He bitterly recalled the order to shut off his phone during flight and moved to unlock his phone, but even that was interrupted by another phone call.

He watched it vibrate for a while and let it go to voice mail. There were three there already

He was getting them from everyone now, Alya was sending the most texts, but Adrien was relentless with the phone calls. Out of everyone it was Adrien he felt the most betrayed by. Maybe he knew that...

tides-miraculous

AAAWWWW WHHAA

thelastpilot

Nino almost liked to picture Cat Noir showing up at the window of an empty apartment, he was just angry enough to take some kind of bitter feeling out of that. How he probably showed up to ask for a favor, wondering if he had been joking about leaving for good. His halfassed apology would have echoed back to him in the vacated rooms, the carpets dirty in the places where his family had walked for years and spotless in the spaces where his bed and desk used to be

Adrien called again

He didn't answer

tides-miraculous

FFFF

My heart I'm so sad

thelastpilot

"I can't talk. I'm on the plane" he found himself typing, interrupting the indication that Adrien was about to send another message. his finger hovered over the send icon, but he pressed it still. He wasn't sure what he was hoping for, what he could possible want, but his chest hurt and he could feel hot tracks of tears on his face. He was trying to be quiet, his parents asleep besides him, but his phone wouldn’t shut the hell up. It had always been silent before, it was only now that anybody seemed to care about reaching him

"The plane?" Adrien's text replied immediately. "You're serious? Nino please you have to be joking, I saw the place was empty but you just moved, you're joking"

"I've been joking for months now? Are you serious dude? You thought I was fucking lying?"

Nino wasn't sure what the point was in arguing but he wanted to argue. If he had the space he'd be screaming. "Nino," Adrien answered instantly, clearly waiting by his phone. "You're just gone? You're gone and you didn't call? you didn’t even say goodbye?"

tides-miraculous

I'm am currently in a quiet hallway at a cubicle absolute losing it

thelastpilot

That pain in his chest grew cold, and he shrunk even further in his solitary, cramped space 30,000 miles above the black ocean. and he typed out what he had been thinking the whole time. "I didn't think you'd even notice."

Adrien called again.

He didn't answer

tides-miraculous

Mother fuck

I am so sad

thelastpilot

He declined the call and typed out despite Adrien’s clearly frantic attempt to reply. "I've been packing for a week and a half. I was 3 hours into the PLANE RIDE before anyone even noticed. If you had even so much as spoken to me in the past two months maybe you would have fucking known about it. I tried to tell you and you were never fucking there. you dont get to do it now."

tides-miraculous

Oh shit go off nino

thelastpilot

Nothing. Adrien started to reply and then stopped. He started again but stopped again, and after awhile there was nothing. And nothing His phone went quiet, and it was familiar to him, but somehow felt even worse. The cabin of the plane was dim, and it was aisles and aisles of people facing forward into darkness with headphones in, numbly and distantly checked out from their surroundings as they waited and waited in perfect, straight lines. And he was alone in the crowded, dark space of strangers and cut off goodbyes and lost homes and silent phones. And he cried.

He clutched his phone and he cried

tides-miraculous

Lmao what the SHIT

Yea so Nino's heart died and I died

Thanks

thelastpilot

you're welcome im in pain also

tides-miraculous

Okay baby boy just go to Morocco fucking live it up. Idk fu slipped in his miraculous into his luggage and now his jade in morocco done

Come back for uni. Shits still bad between friends kinda but they bond as heroes

I'm trying to fix this

thelastpilot

i got a thing hold up

tides-miraculous

Please

thelastpilot

Agadir was a long way from home, and it felt really different in a lot of ways. Every way, honestly. It was by the ocean, which was new, and about over 50% of the people there didn’t speak a word of the only language he knew...so he found himself alone a lot. 'Nothing new there' he thought to himself bitterly. Moving in made it easier, he had something to do. He was out of school for the rest of the year and was probably going to start a year behind when enrollment happened again, so he had nowhere to go and no one to keep track of him. His father started his new job almost immediately, and his mother was wrapped up in adjusting. So when the few things he owned were set up and the last of the boxes were stored out of sight he would leave, and start to explore

About three months in he was running out of places to get lost, starting to recognize streets and having an easier time winding his way back to the dust colored box apartment that was 'home'. He would walk and someone might say something to him, but the words were rounded and he didn't understand them. He would then spout off the only Arabic he knew now. "I'm sorry, I don't understand" and he'd keep going

He was on the beach by himself, observing work day traffic on the raised streets when his phone rang

Nino sighed, shaking sand from his hands as he shifted his position to allow him to reach for his phone. He was working on figuring out where he was well enough to tell his mother when he looked at the screen, and his brow furrowed at the unfamiliar number

He sighed a second time, ready to rehearse his one line of arabic as he answered, saying plainly and without enthusiasm, "Hello?"

There was a sharp gasp, and then a harsh, familiar rush of desperate relief. "Oh god, you have the same number, yes PERFECT, thank god. Nino, holy crap I didn't think it would work"

Nino was frozen, the waves crashing a short distance away from him before he sputtered out, "ADRIEN?"

"Yes!!," his old best friends voice answered immediately, laughing uncomfortably, but still relieved. "It's me Nino. I- listen please don't hang up, I'm begging you give me just a second. Just thirty seconds of a call please."

There was silence, a thousand jagged emotions rooting Nino to the spot, but Adrien didn't wait for him, instead thinking aloud. "I can hear the waves. Are you near the water? Nino listen I-..." There was a silence, but in the need to not waste his half a minute he continued, the words rushed together. "You have every reason to hate me. I would hate me too. I DO hate me... but i can't do this. I can't just leave it knowing that I fucking did this. I made you think I don't care. I can't live with that. I need the chance to say it..."

"Adrien-…"

"No, I didnt come this far to have this talk over the phone, tell me where you are. I can be there in five minutes. Well, maybe a minute more I'm still near the airport-"

tides-miraculous

AAAWWWWW

thelastpilot

Nino heard something muffled, a female voice shouting something to him over the din of background noise mixing with his own ambience of the waves. There was another one as well, and then a garbled, distant message projected over speakers in arabic, and Nino felt his stomach drop out.

"Wait, you're fucking HERE?"

tides-miraculous

Yeas blond use that cash for good!!!!

thelastpilot

(Will continue in just a minute)

tides-miraculous

BRUH take your time

I'm still crying so everything's good

thelastpilot

"Where are you? the beach? there isn’t that much beach right how much area is that?" there was more distant talking, and adrien was clearly eager to move. "I cant take this phone with me. Give us just one chance, please nino wait for us we'll be right there." "US?!" he responded incredulously, but the line was already dead, the hang-up tone loud in his ear

he pulled it away from his face, staring at it in disbelief like perhaps it hadn't even happened. and just like that it was only him and the waves again, no other passerbys on his beach that morning

anyone who was on the beach might have seen something odd, streaks of color dashing past that weren't from around. a group of kids moving a little too desperately, dressed strangely as they fled to the coast. Nino wasn't sure what to do, getting increasingly nervous as he walked the shoreline, his hands balled up into fists in his pockets and his back to the north. minutes ticked by and his heartbeat was loud to him, and he felt that bitter, numb something crawling in his throat. all the harsh and hurt things he wanted to say

but as he passed beneath a weathered and abandoned dock he heard three impacts in the sand behind him, and those words died in his throat

he turned slowly... stalling by obsessing over the gradients in the sand. The pattern of broken wood, the stench of ocean draped around them and clinging to the dock. and three lost friends, letting magic fall from their shoulders and leaving them exposed in front of him

they all felt exposed, in the moment. at least, for once, the ground they stood on was even

despite all their intentions, and all of his pain, and all of the distance, no one said anything at first. They stood in the shadow of the dock and the kwamis milled nervously, shooting each other glances but not interfering.

the waves creeped up, and slipped away, and Nino watched them. after a while, he shook his head

tides-miraculous

THEY ALL CAME

DAMN GUYS

thelastpilot

"gangs all here..." he muttered quietly. After a moment he felt he had to add, "I admit... i didnt see this coming"

"We would have come sooner..." Marinette spoke quietly, her voice almost out of place in his head. It had been awhile since he had last spoken with her. "It was hard to orchestrate. But we were trying from the day you..." she hesitated

She was going to say 'left', but she stopped short, unsure of herself. Saying that he left didnt sound right, even though in literal terms it was the best way to describe it. but it made it sound like it had been his decision, that he left THEM. and that wasn't what happened

There was silence again and the three heroes seemed agonized, but unsure of themselves. They watched as well-worn anger passed across Nino's expression. "So what? What happens now, guys? Is this the part where you say you're sorry, and that’s all supposed to be good enough and then it’s just better? ..." his voice dropped, and he looked down into the sand. After a pause, "Coming all the way here is... not what I expected. but clearly nobody has any idea what to say."

The waves echoed in their small, dim space, and just looking at them standing there so unsure of themselves… it made him angry. His hands were balled into fists at his side and his body was tense. That horrible feeling chipped at his insides and it felt like it was suffocating him.

"Nino-" Adrien tried to speak next, his expression horribly pained, but Nino couldn't hear it. He spoke clearly enough by Nino realized in a flash of sharp pain that he was incapable of hearing it. He didn't want to see him dare to pretend. Like he was mocking him. "Shut up!" he cut him off, his voice hard and hitting adrien with enough force to push him back a step.

"I get it, okay!?" Nino spat at the three of them, trying and failing to keep his voice steady. "I understand. It fucking sucked but it always made sense to me. You're busy, you're all busy you have so much shit that you have to do, so much is expected and you have this whole other part of your lives that doesn’t involve me, but it involves each other doesn’t it? You have each other. That was enough for you, and I get it alright, I fucking always got it." He grit his teeth and he nailed Adrien to the spot just by looking at him... but his voice wavered. "It always made sense to me..."

tides-miraculous

On one hand I want them all to make up and hug it out but on the other... GO OFF NINO

thelastpilot

"You're important. You're important people with important shit and you got all caught up in everything else. In the fight, in the fucking powers in all the bullshit in EACH OTHER," he couldn’t help but add, throwing out a hand to gesture harshly between Marinette and Adrien. "You had other shit going on, you always did. You weren't bothered with me being there so I didn't bother you with leaving. I was surprised anybody even noticed."

He looked away from their expressions, his heart cracking just that much more. They looked... horrified, and he didnt want to see it. He didnt want to fucking make it easy for them. He was angry

tides-miraculous

NINOO

thelastpilot

"I was attatched to how it had been before, but looking back to some degree it was always like this and I get it. Once Alya joined in it was harder cause then I was the only one left behind all the time, but I got it. I'm not saying you should have stuck around. I'm not saying that you had to... i'm not even saying you owed me much of anything at all. But you owed me a goodbye..." His voice cracked and he folded slightly, fists uncurling so he could cross his arms, but it felt more like holding himself together. "Fucking listen to me... im sobbing about this shit again and I'm sick of it. But you fucking know what? out of all the people standing here I was not the fucking one who owed you all a goodbye. It wasn't me. You all left me behind and you did it way worse. You did it over MONTHS of just leaving me out and ignoring me and putting me off, if you were done with me you should have just said it...

The pause between his words was deafening. The dock creaked in the wind that picked up, the ocean churned as if it had been disturbed, and Nino, who was sick of crying over all the same things, cried. And he hated it. "I understand why you left me behind... but I don't want to hear you apologize for it. Because even if I'm stupid for it I still just wanted you guys to be alright. And if you are doing what you need to now then all the best... But if that picture didnt include me then you never should have pretended that it did. You made me feel like i was part of your 'team' but I fucking wasn’t and I GET IT, but im sick of pretending..." Nino raised a hand and rubbed harshly at the tears, angry that his hand was shaking. Angry that he kept crying like a child. Angry that this even still hurt

"I just wanted my fucking friends..." His voice shook again and he shrunk in on himself, standing on the coast line of a whole other country, out of place and lost and too far away from all of them, even when he was finally right there. "They told me we were leaving. they TOLD me they didnt ask and do you fucking know, how much I just wanted someone to tell. And I tried, for ALL OF YOU and there was no one there? cause there was never anyone there? I was losing EVERYTHING, I'm in this fucking place where I cant even speak to half the people here and i just want to go home and I cant and theres no POINT."

"I was freaking out and I just wanted my friends and you weren't there... so why the fuck did you bother? Whats the point of THIS!? Whats the fucking point of even coming when NO ONE HAS ANYTHING TO SAY"

there was a space there, so grand and torn that he couldnt see any way across it. and in a lot of ways he was looking for one. Nino wanted, in the deepest kind of honesty, just to go to his friends. He wanted to just pretend it was fine and be with them while they were there. He wanted someone to miss him, and he felt like no one did. He felt like no one ever did. He didn't want to look at their faces and play in to the fantasy in his head that they were sorry. He didnt want them to trick him into forgiving them. He didn't want to-

tides-miraculous

Yeas I read a line and think "wow my heart can't break anymore" then I read the next and I'm provide wrong

Just shit this is actually so heart breaking what the shit girl this is golden

tides-miraculous

"He wanted someone to miss him, and he felt no one did. He felt no one ever did" I AM SOBBING

thelastpilot

He felt them around him, Alya's face buried into his chest, Adrien reaching out, Marinette stumbling to be behind him. It was like something had broken further in that rift and people were falling, desperate to do anything. Part of him wanted to shake them off. But part of him held them too. He was too unstable to support their weight, all three of them speaking but the words not reaching him. As they noticed that he couldnt seem to hear they became more desperate, but Alya's words were unintelligible with tears and Adrien was too quiet, too far away. He felt like they were all sinking into the sand, and he murmured wretchedly. "I just wanted someone to miss me..."

"I'm sorry... I'm sorry," it sounded in a chorus, bursting through their sentences wherever it could fit and each sounding different in their voices. They spoke over each other and Nino looked at none of them, shaking with anger but not falling. They lowered into the sand and they supported him, kneeling together under a battered, ruined dock and begging for him to listen.

"You're right..." it was one of the first things that caught his attention.

Nino looked over, the girls falling silent and looking to Adrien. His head was hung low, sand coating his jeans as he sat there, defeated. Miserable. When Adrien looked up he met Nino's eyes, and Nino could see how far down it went. It was like there was a pit behind his eyes that sank lower and lower, and he said it again

"You're right... and i'm sorry... I dont know how to say it... I don't have the right words to explain it. We were wrong... I was wrong. But I can't do this. I can't stand it Nino, seeing this. You're in the wrong place, and you were scared and I wasn't there and I wasn't ever fucking THERE and I didn't notice that you felt like this. And it's my fault. But i can't let you say what you said nino i cant stand it. I can't stand you saying that you understand why we pulled away, because there is no WHY," adrien shouted, his voice cracking and faltering. "You talk like we were right to do it! Fucking leave you behind because of what?! We have no excuse! There IS no excuse. I left my /best friend/ to feel like we were better off without you and I CANT, I- I cant..."

"Nino... I don't know how to make you believe that I love you, because I gave you a hundred reasons to believe that I don't. But god Nino I miss you so much... I miss you so fucking much and I don't know what to do."

"... you were fine without me before-"

"I wasnt! That isn't what that was! You're right, we got caught up in all this other shit, I took for granted that you would always be there but I never pulled away because of- because of ANY of that shit you said, like we were better or too busy for you, too important. I never hesitated to believe that you would always be there for me and I forgot to make sure that you knew the same... I never imagined you leaving because I couldn't picture us without you... I know you don't believe me- fuck," he bowed his head, a sob wracking through his chest and shaking him. "I never tried to think about what you being gone would feel like because I never thought it would happen. But then I was standing in your room with everything torn off the walls and I lost it, and I lost you and you were thousands of miles away... I have no excuse, there is no excuse... but I've been desperate to get here because I couldn't let you think that I didn't care. that i didn't notice...

Marinettes quiet voice shook and wavered, Nino's eyes turning to her as she clung to him and cried. "We should have been there... we should have-..." she repeated herself quietly, desperatly, and Alya spoke into his chest, her words thrumming against him and her tears wet against his skin as it soaked through the shirt. "I'm so sorry... I'm so sorry DJ- I, we..." she sobbed hard,folding against him. She turned her cheek to him and said something that stood out on its own. The second thing that truly stood out. "I love you. WE love you. We love you, I love you I'm sorry I'm sorry"

Marinette whispered something and she wrapped her arms around his stomach, her face turned into his back. Adrien was bent forward over himself, but he was reaching out, one hand on Nino. Marinettes quiet, broken, wretched chant chipped at him, his anger and hate and injustice slipping through his fingers... like sand in the ocean. "We're here... we're here... we're here."

tides-miraculous

AWWWWW

thelastpilot

He was so far away, kneeling by the ocean with something too big and heavy to survive in his chest. He was displaced, pulled away from his home and tossed to the side and left alone in a city with foreign grating words, and cold, stretching oceans. He was left alone with the knowledge that no one would come for him, and that no one would notice. And heard the only thing, he had been waiting so long to hear. "We're here... we're here... we're here"

~~end of story~~

tides-miraculous

WOOT MY HEART IS IN SHAMBLES

Girl u deadass just spat out a one shot like it was nothing

AND IT HURT

ALOT

thelastpilot

... i kinda hate the mental image of nino kneeling in the sand of a foreign coast and above him it just says "i just wanted someone to miss me..."

tides-miraculous

STOP

#tlp writes #nino lahiffe #adrien agreste #Marinette dupain-cheng #alya cesaire #one shot

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