#I feel like I lost a friend tbh

[lunian]

I thought in BG3 evil playthrough me and my friend would feel like shit after killing everyone in Grove and nothing worse can happen

but then Act 2 with Dark Urge killing Isobel and Dark Justiciar!Shadowheart path happened

#so now these lands are DEAD DEAD THE DEADLIEST PLACE ON EARTH #I WONT BE EVIL AGAIN ITS NOT WORTH IT AT ALL #even Minthara doesnt like it if you kill Isobel BC IT SO HORRIBLE AND DUMB TO DO #but hey now my friend can walk around as freaky murderous dinosaur #i feel like we dont even level up so effectively like if you go in good path tbh... #we lost progress here and there #mystuff #baldur's gate

[isan0rt]

I think one thing that really sticks with me in interpreting how Dark Road shapes Xehanort is the fact that Xehanort truly was raised to believe himself to be the only one truly strong enough to do what needs to be done to save the world. An interesting thing I think is to look at the way Xehanort’s apparent perception of Baldr changes after his world tour...but not really the crux of his feelings about Baldr, which is that I truly think he sees Baldr as pathetic, in both senses of the word.

Before the tour, Baldr evokes pathos from Xehanort. He feels sorry for him; he takes the time to leave flowers on his grave, but crucially, does not actually express regret for killing him. What he expresses is that he thinks this is the best outcome for Baldr; 

Xehanort: Baldr... Now you and your sister will always be together. You'll always have the light to share.

Killing Baldr was a mercy, from Xehanort’s perspective. Baldr wasn’t strong enough to handle the Darkness. He wasn’t strong enough to face a world of nuance alone. Not like Xehanort, who is determined to be strong enough. Who was born to be strong enough; who then decides to prove he’s strong enough by removing his armor in the space between worlds. 

Then, there is the comparison between Baldr’s dying words, and what Master of Masters and Xehanort express before and after his world tour:

??????: Let me guess... You thought your heart was strong enough to withstand the darkness in there.

??????: Human emotions are complex. For example, what you feel toward someone you love isn't always good or well-meaning. It can be a false kind of light. Which begs the question: are these messy feelings that emerge from love still light? Or are they darkness?

Baldr’s love for Hoder was a false kind of light. It was one that smothered, one that made her responsible for his well-being. Baldr can’t separate his own feelings from other people’s; his worldview is completely self-absorbed. Other people are having feelings at him; Hoder is there to spread her light at him. He can’t see beyond his own pain and his own needs, and what love he has for Hoder is really about what she can do for him; a love that isn’t good, or well-meaning, but toxic for both of them until it kills them both.

Xehanort knows this. His experience, as Master of Masters asks about, tells him this; he saw first-hand how that false love destroyed both Hoder and Baldr, and their classmates as collateral damage.

Baldr’s last words have this to say:

Baldr: Xehanort... Do you see now? There's them...and there's us. When we find the strength to pursue our goals, they condemn us, insisting that our strength comes from darkness.

Then Xehanort goes on his world tour (and it seems strongly implied that he travels to the future during this time, experiences Dream Drop Distance and Kingdom Hearts 3, and comes back with those memories erased, but changed by the experience);

Xehanort: Those who are weak, and who desire greater power, simply strip the strong of their power, and convince themselves they've earned it. That's how people become tainted by darkness. They believe what they want to believe, using hollow reasons as justification. They repeat this cycle, and their darkness grows.

??????: So you're saying the weak feel the need to justify their actions to maintain a sense of self. Can't let that slide?

Xehanort: No, it's better they be ruled by darkness. People carry delusions of having power, but it's a lie. 

Baldr is the sheep pretending to be a wolf, slaughtering their friends to build his own power through the act. Baldr no longer evokes ‘pathos;’ now, for Xehanort, he is the other definition of ‘pathetic;’ “miserably inadequate, of very low standard.” Xehanort’s opinion is now that Baldr was too weak to handle being weaker than Hoder, being weaker than his classmates, so he killed them all, and pretended that made him strong. He told himself lies about how they were feeling things at him, and how that justified what he chose to do.

Xehanort looks down on him. Xehanort will be better than him. Xehanort is truly strong, he believes; all his life, he’s been practicing control. Managing his own feelings. Keeping them separate from those of others, not allowing them to be tainted by the emotions around him. Being flawless, to be the change he was born to be. He will do what’s necessary to make sure nothing like Baldr can ever happen again, and he won’t let feelings get in the way. It’s the reason for his existence, after all.

What comes next is too important.

#khdr #Xehanort #tbh one of the things I find the most compelling about Xehanort is how ruthless he is #He understands emotions and feels them from others all the time #but he does not let them control him #he's condescending and dismissive of people who do #he looks down on those who let their feelings dictate their actions #I think one thing that's lost in translation in particular is the fact that shaving his head is clearly intended to be read as like #Becoming a Buddhist monk #A symbol of dedication to putting aside his worldly attachments to bring about the end of this world #and the birth of a new balanced world #His final act before beginning his plan in earnest is to cut down Eraqus who is his final worldly attachment #Xehanort as an old man is fully above petty things like crying over his lost friends anymore #He has bigger fish to fry #and he's going to fry them. #kingdom hearts dark road #kingdom hearts

[soliel-et-lune]

web weave idea: loving someone but watching them grow apart from you and you cant help but still love them even though its no longer reciprocated and it hurts (totally not relevant to my personal life……..)

anon // moon song by phoebe bridgers // anon // eternal sunshine of the spotless mind (2004) // ghada samman // @clowninagown found on pinterest // 500 days of summer (2009) // mahmoud darwish // virginia woolf // m. edwards // unrequited love (& other clichés) by breakup shoes // anon // anon // hishaam siddiqi

#anon this is so funny because i have been in the same situation #i had an entire pinterest board for this very topic but i deleted it as a part of moving on #it ruined me tbh i felt so bad about everything my self esteem dipped so hard because of this #it’s a weird situation like. ok ? u lost feelings huh. i didn’t. what about me #but he was a v good friend but everything just went downhill bec i couldn’t. handle this #i was in denial of the fact that he didn’t like me anymore because it hurt too much to accept #oversharing in the tags. ok anyway #web weaving #hyper specific web weaves #unrequited love #eternal sunshine of the spotless mind #phoebe bridgers #hishaam siddiqui #virginia woolf #500 days of summer

[coredrill]

which came first? the chicken (smith’s desire to die as become a hero) or the egg (suicidal robots)?

#thinking abt ‘lulu’ being derivative of ‘lewis’ (ルイス -> ルル)………his physiological incompatibilities……. #knuth seeking him out……..his alleged origin story of why he wants to be a hero…….hmmmmmm #this show is crazy good cause like. it’s still quite unclear WHAT is funky about this situation. obv smth’s up but like #we’ve got Chosen One Isami #maybe uniquely incompatible kamikaze-ass smith #and sus fella bravern himself #and i feel like the cause and effect could go in anyone’s direction considering it ‘all converges and connects in the end’ #LMAO. i think i’ve officially lost it <- has been saying that since week one #i deeply apologize to my friends who log on here and see daily bravernposts even after we’ve already talked abt it FNDNFJDNN #i’m such a menace these days tbh i’ll literally be at the grocery store proselytizing abt this show in front of the onions. #anyways rip lewis smith you shoulda watched godzilla minus one #can’t wait to wake up to some ominous shit regarding your fate tomorrow 👍 #a: bravern #bravern spoilers #t.bbbb #ch: lewis smith #coming back to retag this and good lord i was so off base. smith shoulda been the egg

[thatgothicfairy]

I was trying to sleep hours ago, but I thought about my old gaming friends and got super sad 😓 I really regret falling off the face of the earth in late 2018/early 2019 and again in 2020 during covid lockdowns. My brain has a shutdown response where I isolate myself for long periods of time but it literally doesn't help me in any way... 💀

#personal #😭😭😭😭 #I hate that I've made myself into such a loner tbh #it's so hard for me to make friends #i feel like ive lost the ability to socialize normally #at work i can mask perfectly but I can't seem to do that otherwise

[snug-gyu]

.

#one of my childhood friends just lost her cat the same way i lost mine at the beginning of this year #and i feel like I'm reliving that shit all over again #not a day goes by when I don't think of him but last month it's been extra hard cause he'd be completing two years #and now this #i feel like shit tbh

[monstriiss]

.

#gonna get kinda heavy in the tags since im stuck on mobile and cant drop a read more but i need to vent fam squad #god I want to come back but i just don't know how to talk #like i feel like i cant just spring back into conversation like everything is okay and fine #because its not and i dont know how to get over the mental barrier of talking about normal things #it's a really weird feeling and i know im isolating myself but i just dont know what else to do #like i can talk to my family that were there for it. i can talk to people that have been through it #idk i just feel really disconnected #my friends try to talk to me about things and i just cant relate anymore #and they dont get it either. none of my friends have lost their parents and especially havent seen someone die #and they dont know how to talk about it so now its like none of us bother #theres things that happened that i cant say and tbh im pretty haunted #to them its been ages since mum died but to me its only two weeks and still feels like yesterday #i think im pulling away just so i dont have to deal with the hurt of being dropped first #im glad that i have some good close friends that i CAN talk to about things and im so grateful for them #but hoooo boy everything hits different now #tiejfkeie boy am i glad i get to see my therapist tomorrow dkfjskfndk #;; ooc. #death tw #parent death tw #negative tw #;; tbd.

[viksalos]

reading up on autism to figure out what the fuck is going on with me and making a list of personal pros and cons to figure out whether i should feel good or bad about it. as one does

pros: hyperlexia, deeply compassionate, talent for mathematics and the sciences/can do calculations of reasonable complexity in my head, visual hypersensitivity/decent artistic ability when replicating from still life/good at distinguishing subtle colors, acute hearing/good at identifying distinct sounds and sonic textures/deeply moved by music, can rotate some shapes in my head really fast i guess

cons: people can tell something is "off" about me in a fraction of a second and will be anywhere from begrudgingly polite to overtly hostile about it, terminal "not like other girls" disease/feeling of disconnect with existing in a feminine body, can pace for hours on end until my legs hurt, frequent crying & shutdowns, talk about myself and my interests extensively and can't seem to find a way to stop or better relate to others outside of mirroring them, productive work that actually *utilizes* my talents seems to only happen in increasingly infrequent bursts of hyperfocus, recurring identity issues stemming from a fundamental feeling of being born wrong and belonging nowhere, visceral hypersensitivity means i'm in pain from the normal functioning of my own organs for most of the day, people have compared me to sheldon cooper and elon musk, i am constantly begging for the sweet release of death,

#text #hmm. this post was funnier in my head #to be clear i am not one of those ''aut1sm is a superpower'' people and i'm aware that my ''gifts'' afford me significant privilege #but they also used to be things i liked about myself even when i was depressed #now that i'm anywhere from 3-5 yrs into burnout and can't rly *access* my gifts in the capacity i used to be able to anymore #it's rly hard to be positive about things. lol #i used to think that if people were going to think i was weird forever that i should at least be useful #which may not be possible to the degree it once was. and i realize was also a damaging and unhelpful mindset to begin with #tbh i'm rly jealous of the zoomers who seem to have more knowledge about/be more accepting of this stuff. #i think i was just in denial for years. but after looking into it more i'm more certain i'm aut1stic than i've been of anything in my life #which is significant considering the; yknow; identity issues. lol #it's kind of hilarious how many of my old text posts just scream ''undiagnosed aut1stic burnout'' in retrospect #sorry for all the behaviors and stuff. i love my mutuals but i think i have to be on this website less #while i figure my stuff out. i'll still check in but not as often #feel free to reach out in the meantime. i already miss a lot of my friends i lost contact with while going thru it <3 #wow these tags got away from me. ok bye

[toastsnaffler]

everyone say thank u to my roommate for going to visit her parents this weekend so I can jack it loud and nasty 🙏

#i love her but there are some benefits to having the flat to myself.... love getting to wander around in just my boxers + a tshirt too #things i could do while she was still here if i wasnt a pussy 🙄 #jk itd just make her uncomfortable and im too respectful for that #having a lowkey crush on her is an endless comedy to me bc we would be so woefully incompatible romantically #and also sexually.. historically ive only ever stone topped bc ive never been comfortable enough w anyone to let them fuck me #despite very much Not being stone or exclusively a top. and i think shes some form of sex repulsed anyway so like. sits there dead silence #and also shes so in love with her other friends and i showed up late to that party.... ive been feeling kinda guilty lately bc ik- #she misses them a lot and wishes we'd be able to stay roommates w them too. and im a pretty poor replacement for them tbh #and i love spending time with her but whenever i do i feel kinda painfully aware im not them like i could never fill that space #and asking to hang out more with her always feels like im taking away from time she could be talking to them. or even being alone ik she- #likes her own company and i get that a lot too so its chill but ahh.. man #i dont mean this in a bitter or jealous way at all like theyre all such sweet ppl i couldnt ever hold it against them #theyre kind of a 3 headed cerberus type situation and im like. the stray puppy they found on the side of the road #theres nothing they can do differently i was just born to be alienated from other ppl forever until i die. and someday i hope ill- #finally get used to it and accept i wont ever feel like im enough for anyone else or feel like anything else is enough for me #old wounds healed over 5082 times that still hurt to touch but i cant help pressing my fingers into them anyway bc its a familiar pain etc #anyway lost where i was going with this its just been on my mind again recently. i hate to be pitied i hate to feel like im only included- #bc they didnt want me to feel left out i hate feeling like a shoddy secondhand stand-in and its been a lot of that lately #also been a little annoyed bc sometimes it feels like shes trying to micromanage my social life and girl. we're not close enough for that #im sure its well intentioned but im not part of what they have going on i cant compete in that ring so dont try to push me into it.. #ahhh. its all ok tho one of the guys is coming to visit next month which will be rly fun but ill try to give them some space too #its good at least im doing this processing now bc group situations can be spike traps of triggers for me sometimes #regardless of how good friends i am w ppl and ive already had a wobble a few weeks ago w how i cope and i dont want it to become a #fully fledged regular issue again bc its so hard to crawl back out of that pit. anyway losing coherence here im gonna stop rambling #and go make myself an early dinner and then back to drawing........ #sorry for long tags if ur reading this blows u a kiss but go find a better use of ur time girl!! #.diaries

[mieczyhale]

"i had to surrender my cat bc he's got incontinence issues and i'm just not equipped to deal with that"

i'm stealing your fucking kneecaps

#of all the fucking reasons- #1. that's really not a huge issue to have if you keep your cat home #2. would you give away a child over incontinence issues?? over any health issue showing up?? or was cat just that disposable to you?? #like im glad i guess you took him to a shelter and didnt just abandon him somewhere #and apparently the staff might make him their office cat bc they love him #but god #'please be nice' my kindness is me not saying anything to you #im bitching on tumblr instead of the fb group we're both in total stranger #there are times - though not often - where i feel sympathy for the owner. where there really IS a good reason for surrender #but 9 times out of 10 its some real bullshit and i have no patience for that #i love animals to a super sensitive degree AND i lost my best friend (my first cat) unexpectedly in 2021 so yeah im a fuckin dick about this #at least its never to someone's face #its 10:26 AM #i've been in and out of sleep for the last 24+ hours and im tired and cranky and a little nauseous tbh #i was hoping to be a little productive today but i think i might go back to bed #maison speaks

[clits-and-clips]

x

#txt #tw #dont read this and i may delete but i just need to say it #i do think about dying a lot #like i dont want to be here lol #people suck big time #everyone here is so nice and lovely and supportive #but you arent physically near me and i guess thats what i need #idk #and i cant just message randoms with all my personal shit all the time #unless i can? idk #the main reason i wont kms is cause my dad wouldnt be able to handle it hes lost too much #i think hed prolly follow suit #and i cant have that #plus other things like my pets etc #but what is the fucking point lol #i know eventually ill move on etc #but the world sucks man #it sucks #i have a good life but my brain sucks and i ruin everything and no one sticks around and i am just a fucked up friend and partner and i dont #see myself getting better #if i told my psych i think about this id get sent off and i think that would make me worse #i just want the future back that i thought i was going to have #that was ripped away from me without warning #no conversation #nothing #and he gets mad at me when i bring that up?????? #yeah its so fair you kicked me out etc but im the bad guy for airing my feelings #fuck everyone tbh haha #im just done

[icharchivist]

god so emo about how they portrayed Cloud's development from the first reactor bombing to the second one

showing how much Barret wasn't trusting him the first time and wasn't too keen on trusting him the second time, but by the end of their escape, you can feel they actually became buddies this time

and Cloud who was so cold and genuinely keeping people at a distance being much more willing to joke a bit with them and feel like one of the gang

the fact just before the boss fight Barret really says he intends on all of them to coming home, and he smiles as he looks at Cloud to say "all of us", because he includes Cloud in it, he doesn't expect him to disappear like he feared Cloud would the first time (bc he was worrieeed).

And there's the way Cloud asks for money as a mercenary in both case. In the first bombing he's cold, and mean, and when he says he should be paid more money it's with disdain, a clear "i really don't want to be here" voice. But then the second time they joke around about how Cloud should give a smile to Marlene and not scare her this time and Cloud smiles a bit before going "if the price is right", and this time he's joking along, he doesn't actually mean it and everyone can feel it.

also the fact that the first time everytime Barret was talking about making Shinra pay, Cloud really acts uninterested and talks about how he needs a raise, but the second time the moment Shinra trapped them and Barret talks about making Shinra pay, Cloud immediately is on for it, he doesn't ask for money anymore it's personal.

In the OG Cloud, and his relationship with Barret, doesn't really change drastically in the two reactor bombings, but the remake really did something nice, and while i do think the build up is a bit too long, the fact it took a longer time to get to reactor five really help building their camaraderie

It's just so sweet and it's even more touching knowing what is going to happen real soon.

Just man, that's so good.

#when the remake is good it's SO good #and then when it's not i want to yell #but this? this??? this is so good #it's not like Barret isn't built on in the OG and all he already was this 'tough on the outside soft on the inside' personality #but the remake really get to show you more in depth how he lets people in and it's so sweet #i do think also that showing Cloud growing more invested in Avalanche thanks to the previous Jessie mission helped a lot too #but man. man!!! that's really good. #Also no commentary to make on Tifa because i'd say the emotional focus in this section is somewhere else for her #like she already is friend with both Cloud and Barret who are both people she cares deeply for #she helps nudging them both to a middle ground which is neat #she gets to be the one who has to think more about her complicated feelings about what they're doing #anyway. Also tbh i complained about too much padding from the first time i played #but turns out it doesn't feel /that/ bad when you don't get lost in the lamp section #who would have thought! #(maybe i'm just really too salty it made me wait for hours to get to Aerith again) #ichablogging ffviirg

[museenkuss]

Spn blogs in my recs and they WILL NOT LEAVE.

#they’re even on my main blog now #at least for me #and like yeah I get it blood and rot and family and whatever #I think I’m getting my period soon because it usually doesn’t annoy me like this but GOD #I don’t WANT these here. #but tbh I just don’t like the fandom. it’s all very clique-y and I am so so lonely #like genuinely I haven’t felt good about a single thing I posted for that in way too long #I like WRITING but posting?? in that fandom? it’s terrible. I hate it #& I’ve taken to writing out all my frustration and anger and grief in a separate doc to be deleted before posting the main work #which is fucking. just. it’s bad. I’ve never had to do that for ANY fandom I wrote for. #and I geeeeeet that it’s because it’s such a big fandom so people know each other and it’s not like my small communities where you #parallel play in peace. but I don’t like it. it’s deeply uncomfortable and isolating and I’m so sick of it #but I also like the writing I do so I try to just stay in my niche and not look at anyone else #I think I unfollowed every fandom blog save for two? three? so I could be alone instead of lonely #but it still washes over me whenever I post something. #oh an! sometimes I’m tempted to just do something super mass appealing so they’ll like me but that just makes me feel worse #I’ve been tempted to delete my blog so many times because I lost my friends from the old fandoms and this one is the poorest substitute #but I also feel like that won’t make me happier either. I wish I’d just never started engaging w that show tbh #okay done. just. I’m going through it

[elegyofthemoon]

Spell your URL!

Spell out your URL using song titles that can describe your muse/OC, then tag as many people as there are letters in your URL!

OO thanks so much @cove-holdens !! This seemed like fun so I'll try ; v ; it's probably going to be pretty length though (> _ >) so i'll just put it under a read more

BUT want to tag beforehand idk enough people with ocs i think so i just toss it to @fayesdiary, @narzissenkreuz-ordo, @lemonbronze, @garlandgerard (i THINK you have some ocs sorry if i am misremembering), and whoever else I follow that has ocs :D let me get to know them!! (also of course no obligation <3)

I'm too fixated on my OC Octavia so here we go lmao

E - "Escapism" from Steven Universe: "I guess I have to face/ That in this awful place/ I shouldn't show a trace of doubt/ But pulled against the grain/ I feel a little pain/ That I would rather do without"

L - "Letter" from the Fragile Dreams OST

E - "Extraordinary" by Clean Bandit: "Am I the only one who sees what you've become?/ Will you drift away?/ We're running out of time, two wrongs can make it right/ Could I make you stay?/ People making choices, they can't fake/ Sacrifice it all and maybe say"

G - "Get Your Wish" by Porter Robinson: "Don't say you lose just yet/ Get up and move ahead/ And not only for yourself/ 'Cause that's your role/ The work that stirred your soul/ You can make for someone else"

Y - "Youth" by Daughter: "We are the reckless, we are the wild youth/ Chasing visions of our futures/ One day, we'll reveal the truth/ That one will die before he gets there/ And if you're still bleeding, you're the lucky ones/ 'Cause most of our feelings, they are dead and they are gone/ We're setting fire to our insides for fun"

O - "Octave of the Maushiro" by Chewie Melodies

F - "Future Friends" by Tilian: "Slow down/Give me a reason not to slow down/ I can feel the bottom and it's cold now/ I'm on the outside looking in/ So I'm calling on my future friends"

T - "The Hymn" by FLOYA: "I hope you understand that I cannot stay/ Don't expect you to feel the same/ There's a dream that I have to chase/ I'm feeling alive in the unknown/ Dancing to the hymn of the wind/ And though you and I are on our own/ I know you're close whenever I feel alone"

H - "here and now" by Tony22: "Here and now i'll find my hope/Yesterday is far gone and tomorrow never comes/Here and now's where I belong/So tired of using the present moment as my stepping stone"

E - "Eternal Sunshine" by Jhene Aiko: "Is it strange for me to say that if I were to die today/There's not a thing that I would change, I've lived well/ Maybe I have made mistakes and been through my fair share of pain/ But all in all, it's been okay, I've lived well"

M - "Miss You" by trentemøller

O - "Old Weapon Testing Ground" from HSR OST

O - "OUTRO" by LUCY

N - "North" from the Ender Lilies OST

#this was fun because i had to go search around a bit #askdfjahl i have an octavia playlist but theres only three songs on there 2/3 of them were listed #the instrumental songs are ones that ive mostly written to for octavia myeheh #or it just gives off certain vibes for them #speaking of octavia #i had a call today with my friend and i accidentally rambled (i was off in my own world tbh LMAO) #about transduction arc and i was like AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH #but talking about it? it made me a little more motivated to write it #but HH WHEN? #ngl if i just dip out in june just to go insane in writing ✌🏼hbd to me ig lmao #but 'future friends' the more i think about it the more it reads a lot like transduction arc!octavia lmao #dont ask about the arcs im just rambling to myself LMAO #girls on a mission to destroy herself and shes only being stopped by the friends she kinda blindsided #oh god now that im slowly finishing this... #its mostly instrumentals LKAJSDAHF #okay only SOME of this ive written to #but theres certain vibes to them that give off octavia vibes #which is weird bc a lot of it feels like they contrast one another #like outro for example feels like the happy tranquil ending for them (fitting outro) #miss you feels like when they're lost in themself. which fits the vibe for octave #asdlfkadsjhaflk #tag games #again no obligation #also im sleep deprived idc if im posting about octavia here hi LMAO #and im about to do another one bc im just digging lmao #but anyways ~ #to tag later #bc i want to put this on the other blog for octavia #and then dissect it out further lmao #for octavia

[pastafossa]

SO. Let's do a GOOD NEWS thing regarding the fiberglass. With Ulta's Black Friday sale, AND mom and sis quietly using my rewards card when shopping to build up my points, I got two new palettes in the mail. These will FINALLY fill in the last major gap in my replacement eyeshadow collection, one I've rebuilt a bit with help from friends.

I love makeup, ok? Specifically eye makeup. I love doing bright colors, seasonal looks, movie colors, tv show colors, holiday looks, etc. It's become a thing for me, because I was very depressed and lonely as a teen and and tried very hard to fit the Good Christian Girl mold at church to make friends, which meant very low key makeup and conservative colors in the area I lived. But then I started to make fandom friends online, went to cons with them, and slowly became both more confident and more comfortable being me because they helped show me that Real Me was actually a perfectly likeable person, bright colors and all. Which means shiny sunglasses. Bright colors! Shirts with fandom things, and cool eyeshadow to match! Over the years I picked up a ton of it - collector's editions, gifts, sales on palettes too pricey to buy otherwise. I had maybe 50 individual colors and 20 or so palletes that covered the entire spectrum of the rainbow.

And I lost all of it in a single day to fiberglass.

If I hadn't had some of my basic makeup and two older palettes still packed away in my zipped up backpack , I'd literally have been forced to start back at square one. As it was, I was at... square three, maybe. I'm still not all the way there - it'll take years to build it all back up fully and a lot of those palettes were irreplaceable. But I've got all that I need to feel like me again, and I think that's what counts.

#the continuing saga of recovering from fiberglass dust #i lost so much makeup ya'll #which felt like losing years of ME #all those bright happy colors #these bits of joy that i once hadn't allowed myself #these outward reflections of who i was inside #years of learning to love real me #and friends going 'we see the real you and you are bright and happy' #'and here are some bright colors that made me think of you' #i think you can understand why suddenly having to take ALL of that and throw it into a garbage bag #knowing it would be taken to the dump #kinda fucked me up for a while #i know logically the real bright happy me is not garbage but that thought still scratched around for a bit #but friends and fam saw what i lost and said 'challenge accepted' #one friend LITERALLY went through the picture I sent our group chat of all my ruined palettes #looked them all up and charted the colors #and then bought me a palette that covered the widest range of what i lost #i've got maybe 8 or 9 now thanks to friends #and now today i've covered greens and shiny neutrals which were the last major gaps #it feels like a huge win tbh

[boyghcst]

it feels mean when u realise tht certain ppl just aren’t adding anything positive to ur life, n tht they just make u feel anxious, on edge, confused and under appreciated… but i feel like im starting to listen to my gut to whose presence makes me feel safe, heard, loved and appreciated

#i don’t rlly wanna be friends w ppl who make me feel needy and annoying and unloved #not saying tht i should rely on others to make me feel happy or whatever #but there are ppl in my life where i don’t feel this uncertainty and discomfort #one of the friends deeply hurt my feelings and I cut them out for a while and then we became ‘friends’ again #bc i did miss having them in my life and it was v intense #but i also feel like im not rlly interested in being close w them anymore #like tht hurt never went away #n now i don’t rlly feel like i rlly care abt them tbh #despite the fact we’re supposed to be friends #i think i lost respect and compassion for them lol i don’t view them the same way as i used to #and the other friend were not close to begin w they’re friends w the friend i fell out w #but they make me feel anxious and don’t seem interested in acc being friends w me #but message my friend tht i introduced to them a lot so idk #they kinda give fake energy tbh and i don’t rlly feel comfortable being around them #which is fine bc we don’t hang out anyway lmao #but sometimes they’ll pop up on stories ive posted #n i feel like i just gotta fake it #i cba communicating it bc it always leads to conflict #so im probs just gonna let it drift #i do feel like i have a habit of wanting to cut friends out tho #bc i feel 50/50 w ppl a lot #some ppl i feel a safe connection w #others leave me feeling confused and on edge #so i think my gut is tryna tell me tht im just not comfortable #and when i spoke to a therapist ages ago abt this they told me to listen to my gut and be wary of who I’m friends w #but bc i also have abandonment issues etc I never know whether I’m being too sensitive and my trauma is driving the wheel #or whether deep down this is how i feel #it’s hard to trust ur gut when ur traumatised bc it can be rlly wrong #journal