#years of learning to love real me

[pastafossa]

SO. Let's do a GOOD NEWS thing regarding the fiberglass. With Ulta's Black Friday sale, AND mom and sis quietly using my rewards card when shopping to build up my points, I got two new palettes in the mail. These will FINALLY fill in the last major gap in my replacement eyeshadow collection, one I've rebuilt a bit with help from friends.

I love makeup, ok? Specifically eye makeup. I love doing bright colors, seasonal looks, movie colors, tv show colors, holiday looks, etc. It's become a thing for me, because I was very depressed and lonely as a teen and and tried very hard to fit the Good Christian Girl mold at church to make friends, which meant very low key makeup and conservative colors in the area I lived. But then I started to make fandom friends online, went to cons with them, and slowly became both more confident and more comfortable being me because they helped show me that Real Me was actually a perfectly likeable person, bright colors and all. Which means shiny sunglasses. Bright colors! Shirts with fandom things, and cool eyeshadow to match! Over the years I picked up a ton of it - collector's editions, gifts, sales on palettes too pricey to buy otherwise. I had maybe 50 individual colors and 20 or so palletes that covered the entire spectrum of the rainbow.

And I lost all of it in a single day to fiberglass.

If I hadn't had some of my basic makeup and two older palettes still packed away in my zipped up backpack , I'd literally have been forced to start back at square one. As it was, I was at... square three, maybe. I'm still not all the way there - it'll take years to build it all back up fully and a lot of those palettes were irreplaceable. But I've got all that I need to feel like me again, and I think that's what counts.

#the continuing saga of recovering from fiberglass dust #i lost so much makeup ya'll #which felt like losing years of ME #all those bright happy colors #these bits of joy that i once hadn't allowed myself #these outward reflections of who i was inside #years of learning to love real me #and friends going 'we see the real you and you are bright and happy' #'and here are some bright colors that made me think of you' #i think you can understand why suddenly having to take ALL of that and throw it into a garbage bag #knowing it would be taken to the dump #kinda fucked me up for a while #i know logically the real bright happy me is not garbage but that thought still scratched around for a bit #but friends and fam saw what i lost and said 'challenge accepted' #one friend LITERALLY went through the picture I sent our group chat of all my ruined palettes #looked them all up and charted the colors #and then bought me a palette that covered the widest range of what i lost #i've got maybe 8 or 9 now thanks to friends #and now today i've covered greens and shiny neutrals which were the last major gaps #it feels like a huge win tbh

[giantkillerjack]

Today my therapist introduced me to a concept surrounding disability that she called "hLep".

Which is when you - in this case, you are a disabled person - ask someone for help ("I can't drink almond milk so can you get me some whole milk?", or "Please call Donna and ask her to pick up the car for me."), and they say yes, and then they do something that is not what you asked for but is what they think you should have asked for ("I know you said you wanted whole, but I got you skim milk because it's better for you!", "I didn't want to ruin Donna's day by asking her that, so I spent your money on an expensive towing service!") And then if you get annoyed at them for ignoring what you actually asked for - and often it has already happened repeatedly - they get angry because they "were just helping you! You should be grateful!!"

And my therapist pointed out that this is not "help", it's "hLep".

Sure, it looks like help; it kind of sounds like help too; and if it was adjusted just a little bit, it could be help. But it's not help. It's hLep.

At its best, it is patronizing and makes a person feel unvalued and un-listened-to. Always, it reinforces the false idea that disabled people can't be trusted with our own care. And at its worst, it results in disabled people losing our freedom and control over our lives, and also being unable to actually access what we need to survive.

So please, when a disabled person asks you for help on something, don't be a hLeper, be a helper! In other words: they know better than you what they need, and the best way you can honor the trust they've put in you is to believe that!

Also, I want to be very clear that the "getting angry at a disabled person's attempts to point out harmful behavior" part of this makes the whole thing WAY worse. Like it'd be one thing if my roommate bought me some passive-aggressive skim milk, but then they heard what I had to say, and they apologized and did better in the future - our relationship could bounce back from that. But it is very much another thing to have a crying shouting match with someone who is furious at you for saying something they did was ableist. Like, Christ, Jessica, remind me to never ask for your support ever again! You make me feel like if I asked you to call 911, you'd order a pizza because you know I'll feel better once I eat something!!

Edit: crediting my therapist by name with her permission - this term was coined by Nahime Aguirre Mtanous!

Edit again: I made an optional follow-up to this post after seeing the responses. Might help somebody. CW for me frankly talking about how dangerous hLep really is.

#hlep #original #mental health #my sympathies and empathies to anyone who has to rely on this kind of hlep to get what they need. #the people in my life who most need to see this post are my family but even if they did I sincerely doubt they would internalize it #i've tried to break thru to them so many times it makes my head hurt. so i am focusing on boundaries and on finding other forms of support #and this thing i learned today helps me validate those boundaries. the example with the milk was from my therapist. #the example with the towing company was a real thing that happened with my parents a few months ago while I was age 28. 28! #a full adult age! it is so infantilizing as a disabled adult to seek assistance and support from ableist parents. #they were real mad i was mad tho. and the spoons i spent trying to explain it were only the latest in a long line of #huge family-related spoon expenditures. distance and the ability to enforce boundaries helps. haven't talked to sisters for literally the #longest period of my whole life. people really believe that if they love you and try to help you they can do no wrong. #and those people are NOT great allies to the chronically sick folks in their lives. #you can adore someone and still fuck up and hurt them so bad. will your pride refuse to accept what you've done and lash out instead? #or will you have courage and be kind? will you learn and grow? all of us have prejudices and practices we are not yet aware of. #no one is pure. but will you be kind? will you be a good friend? will you grow? i hope i grow. i hope i always make the choice to grow. #i hope with every year i age i get better and better at making people feel the opposite of how my family's ableism has made me feel #i will see them seen and hear them heard and smile at their smiles. make them feel smart and held and strong. #just like i do now but even better! i am always learning better ways to be kind so i don't see why i would stop

[bold-embrace]

We better get a much needed morales family hug at the end of the next movie OR ELSE (btw read this fic. bless)

Bonus messy doodle below but it’s got major spider verse spoilers!‼️‼️‼️

Earth 42 miles better get a hug and a kiss from his mom too

#my art #completed #rio morales #jefferson davis #miles morales #miles g morales #spiderverse #spiderman across the spiderverse #across the spiderverse #me downloading so many screen tone brushes for this and going crazy #this movie bro. spideverse is so good i wish loving families were real /j #i havent rendered anything in ages and it shows FJSDHF or completed anything. im just out here #anyways spideverse took over my brain bc it's all i've been drawing for the past three weeks. trigun fanart again soon tho i prommy #i just. the first movie is actually my favorite movie of all time and i've watched it so many times in the past five years #it's on my mind at all times like a dormant volcano ready to errupt before i become annoying about it again #i just love miles so much and his family #AIGHGHHG #drawing jeff was beating my ass i cant actually draw men but we're learning today!!! #atsv #itsv #ID in alt text

[pierog]

tiny comic about eating toast with friends

#i have sooo many more thoughts about this but i couldnt be arsed making a longer comic..a few ppl seemed to relate so i will put it here #comic #art #artists on tumblr #axolotl #studyblr #academia #<-why the fuck not. it's set at uni #furry #mine #personal #i do wish i spent more time on this but i got 80hd #anyway the experience of loved ones + food is so important to me #and those little moments which you don't realise are so special until they're gone #i'm very bad at living in the present.. always have been.. gotta learn to appreciate wot i have #my hall experience was a mixed bag - loads of fun but also problematic as an institution and i dont miss it #im lucky to have heaps of friends who i love :) #but it's my first year as a Real Adult outside of academia and im trying not to be scared of growing up

[lemon-wedges]

#baroryuu #.... #THEYRE REAL TINY I KNOW AND IN THEIR CAFE OUTFITS TToTT #the art of a lemon wedge #ive focused so much on figure painting this year my bgs have fallen behind #on top of like..... #my whole melt down about my art career and where im even going #right now i just wanna learn how to love painting/drawing bgs again #SO IM GONNA START OFF WITH A BRRY OF COURSE #and predictably a blue palette #what can i say #brry to me is the warmth you feel from a hug when youve spent too long in the cold #ryunosuke naruhodo #barok van zieks

[bacchuschucklefuck]

prayer of the day:

#dimension 20 #fantasy high junior year #fhjy spoilers #fhjy k2 #gorgug thistlespring #kristen applebees #cw: gore #and we're serious abt that warning this time! we mean that shit! #slowly getting some stuff I wanted to draw for the boat fight-finale combo that I couldnt draw in time bc I was doing huge comic #k2 is the Funniest thing to ever happen not bc she's a good bit (she is but thats not relevant here) but bc she let me have Clone Politics #insane shit. so wild that brennan has to send her to real life forever to keep himself safe from her (he isnt) #tbh I love cassandra's domain esp. for stories she truly is the deity for jackasses. k2 walking in here like #idk whats going on but I know it's not good! and by the power of this fucking guy I will unlearn that knowledge #beautiful. wish that were me #doubt as irrational stubborn hope... honestly inspired #wherever u are out there k2. hope ur doing well. going to college learning so much abt the world

[puppyeared]

Jitterbug

#whenever my meds kick in it feels like im gonna piss myself. not literally but its really really feels like it #and now whenever that happens my mind goes back to pancho (grandmas dog) at a xmas party years ago #bc he peed when we arrived bc he was so excited to see ppl and my cousin had to clean it up :o) #well for better or for worse i know that feeling now when im pumped on 20mg of adderall #im still getting used to this whole diagnosis thing cause ive gone untreated and undiagnosed for the longest time. so theres probably a lot #i still dont know and have to learn to get myself to be.. functional on my own? self managing???? #i even set up reminders on my phone for work periods meals and stuff. but the problem is actually getting myself to stick to that to a T #because the minute i slack off or something gets in the way it throws it all off until i can be bothered to get back on track. it sucks #at least ive built up other habits like writing notes and setting alarms ahead of time.. but i feel like i could do better #its always hard to change something if youve been doing it wrong for the longest time. especially behaviour and thinking patterns. sigh #in other news my glasses bailed on me so i have to get a new pair sometime. i just realized i never draw my sona with glasses but thats #mostly bc i forget. id love to get some browline glasses like my old pair but im picky and its hard to find one id like for the next 5 year #i also finally managed to collect all the fish in my animal crossing file!!! pulled out a char last week and boom now i have a poster :o) #THAT was a moment where i almost peed myself for real. id love to get all the bugs but i cant stay up late on the switch :o( #yapping #my art #myart #doodles #personal #diary

[horrorshow]

"when did destiel sex happen for the first time?" i love that i'm living so far in my own obscure deluded doomed by the narrative canon-compliant version of surprisingly wholesome but tragic destiel that the only right answer isn't even an option on polls: stanford era.

#deancas #it's like. #you're in a car with an ugly old angel and he looks at you like he has loved and known you for years but you just met #and he wont tell you that he's hiding something from you but he's hiding something from you #and he reaches over and you let him hit bc you're lonely and he's saying all the things you wish your father told you #like he discovered a belief in a future where you'll have eye crinkles and your brother at your side and a home with your own bedroom #and you feel your heart taking root in your body until one day you wake up with a headache and no memory of him or the past 2 months at ALL #and you never have time to wonder about it bc its october 2005 and you have 327 episodes of horrors ahead of you #and they all happen exactly like they do on screen. destiel was real but it was also dead before the story even started #(other than that they only had sex in purgatory which dean came to regret bc it made him realize he's not into cas like that #and he had only invited him to his benny fuckfest bc they're friends and it seemed rude not to) #and dean never ever learns that they once were lovers. and for cas there's nothing to remember bc it hasnt happened to him yet #its beautiful. to me. #also slightly embarrassing for me as a person but nevermind that

[feline-evil]

Dick or no dick confirmation Pickles was always going to be trans to me anyways; if he's swingin' somethin that's phallo babes, if he's not then his t-dick fat. What's not to get.

#metalocalypse #jay talkin #I'm sorry they wrote that awful gross little man far too likeable and relatable to on a trans level #for me not to hoot and holler and cheer for the trans pickles agenda #changes nothing about his character arc or any of the show anyone is capable of being the kind of person he is #don't make the mistake of thinking thats exclusive to cis men #his transness wouldnt change that #only adds on an extra layer to him that i think works fantastically. #Listen that dude was rejected by his family driven to drink and drugs young to escape that ran away to be in a band #is called fucking Pickles of all things and refuses to tell anyone his real last name; #over the span of four seasons and two movies he slowly starts to learn to be for others what he never had #he becomes more caring more supportive #it's not a stretch to say he undoes some of the toxic masculinity he's been keeping himself shielded behind #and learns how to be a kinder man. #all of which have no contradictions with him being trans! #In fact it doesn't take much extra thought to find ways a lot of this can line up with some trans masculine experiences #i mean. Did no one else have a younger phase where they swung as far as they could into crass rude and uncaring ways #to try and assert their masculinity only to grow and realise that you can be a man and be more caring. #Did no one else have father issues. 1 800 come on now i know those are both shared experiences a lot of us have had LOL. #at the end of the day this show aired nearly 20 years ago and is finished. we're not getting more of it #so nothing is altered nor changed if pickles is canonically trans or not ok. its fine #i mean hell i dont even need canon confirmation hes trans to me and thats all i care abt #but i think if yr getting suuuuuper weird abt needing him not to be canonically trans you have some issues #and bio essentialist ideals of gender if you think only a cis man can act like he does #again. anyone can be like that. its not exclusive. him being trans would not change him in any way shape or form lol #AND ALSO GODDDUUUGH for once i love getting to see a guy pushing 50 whos depicted as trans #do you have any idea how dire and barren it is out here. we never get to see a trans guy older than 30 and whos not a pristine model #I WANT MORE OLD SHLUBBY SHITHEAD TRANS GUYS IN MEDIA

[aroaessidhe]

2024 reads / storygraph

The Sword of Kaigen

standalone fantasy set in a rural mountain village at the edge of an empire that still holds traditional values, with families of powerful water/ice magic warriors

follows a powerful young heir who begins to question his beliefs about the empire when a new boy comes to his village from the city

and his mother, a housewife who has tried to forget her youth as a warrior and vigilante in the city since she moved back home to a loveless marriage

when there’s a violent attack on their village that they’re unprepared for, everything changes, and she has to embrace her old skills to protect her family and people

#The Sword of Kaigen #aroaessidhe 2024 reads #I’ve been meaning to read this for years and I finally got around to it! a really unique fantasy novel #I had always assumed this was ur average pre-industrial high fantasy and then was immediately hit with video games/tv in the first chapter #lmao. But overall (aside from the broader worldbuilding/politics) it is closer to the average ‘historical’ fantasy narrative - #so I can see why I got that impression #Some really compelling characters and interesting narrative structure that went in some unexpected directions. #It really focuses in on one village and how devastating a single battle in a war can be to their people - and how much work the recovery is #I feel like most sff is more concerned with a single person and/or the whole war so this felt unique. did also mean that the pacing was odd #- it's a slow start; then there’s a battle that must be hundreds of pages. The last section of the book feels a little too drawn out #and brings up random hanging plot elements that don’t really go anywhere. But I think overall this works for the story. #also one thing I didn’t love - cool complex interesting female character MC sure but also there’s weird moments like: #the first scene we see her is all the housewives comparing their attractiveness; she keeps referring to herself as an old woman (when she’s #and oh so meek and useless etc. And some of this feels like it’s part of the broader portrayal of the misogynist society #but some of it felt clunky or unintentional? #And then especially the end - when she and her shitty husband finally confront each other as equals and he apologises #she basically immediately forgives him and is like oh I was equally at fault because I am a meek woman who didn’t try either #like him realising he was wrong (and her realising he had a reason for being the way he was) doesn’t negate the fact that he treated her li #she acts like it was her fault for not trying too - when we have numerous examples of him berating her if she spoke up about anything? #like im glad he’s learning. but also that doesn’t mean she needs to suddenly forgive and love him wtf #that's the only real thing that annoyed me though. #also btw that 5yo seems kinda fucked up. are you guys gonna do anything about that

[robindaydream]

He's catching me up on the characters and story arcs

artfight attack of Ugly Finder (featuring Daydream) for @bananasmores

#artfight #mlp #oc pony #one of my favorite things I drew this year both for artistic and sentimental reasons #the concept of this one is he's telling me all about baseball cause I don't follow sports #we're catching a game in Horseton #I'm learning so much! #(I actually have been to several baseball games in real life) #(my dad is a huge Angels fan and he took us to games sometimes when I was a kid) #(but it was a long time ago haha) #(I have fond memories of nachos and of these huge moths that seemed to congregate at the stadium) #ANYWAY I spent more time on this one than on anything else I drew this year #cause I wanted to have a whole crowd of ponies watching the game with us #appleshy is there of course cause we both love them #the guy next to us with the heart cutie mark thinks the purple guy in front of him is really pretty #someone is having a little too much to drink #the kids in the front are really excited about a cool play that just happened #they are making a big mess with peanuts #the Manehattan fan in the lower left is wondering if he should leave early #art

[canismajorly]

when I was a very impressionable, socially stunted and nerdy gay 14 year old, my high school drama club put on a production of dracula, and I had never read it. i was in the crew, and mostly just sat around the auditorium and watched them rehearse. all the main roles were played by a friend group who had incredibly fun to watch chemistry off stage. the Dracula was this very very VERY tall person with long hair who was in my chorus class and insisted on singing soprano from time to time despite naturally being a bass (... estrogen when, queen?). the Johnathan was this short Flynn-Rider-from-Rapunzel-looking twink who was (in my mind) fought after by women around him. the Jonathan and the Dracula intentionally made their interactions extra homoerotic (I overheard them talking to the English teacher director about it one day) and would spend off time at rehearsal trying to do the dirty dancing "time of my life" lift. because I was 14, I unironically shipped them. the Mina was so beautiful and had a face that, imo, would be cast in one of those terrible BBC/netflix period dramas now. she had been friends with the other two since before I started high school. because I was a polyamorous 14 year old, I also shipped the Jonathan with the Mina. i had a crush on the person who played Lucy in the cast since middle school, they were my age but so cool and likeable they melted into the older drama kid friend circle effortlessly. i had some interesting emotions about the scene where Lucy is covered in blood in a wedding dress. during the final cast and crew party, the Dracula threw a chocolate flower into the group and I caught it then proceeded to hold onto it for years after. then they all graduated, besides the Lucy. anyway, those are the versions of all the characters that live in my head when I read my Dracula daily.

#dracula daily #this is a treat for anyone who knows me from high school im sure #the holding onto the chocolate flower for years after is a metaphor #something something socially isolated child knows and dearly loves a group of people whom they never interact with #and found comfort in through the act of ritualistically watching them every day after school for months #my face when my stunted ass internalized real ass people around me as my blorbos #i wish i had the social skills to talk to any of them at the time. they were all so nice! #i did however reconnect with the Lucy in the last year or so. we went on a walk in the woods #and i learned a lot about them that i never knew despite growing up beside them #i wish we'd had more time to hang out before i moved. theyre cool

[itspileofgoodthings]

Well, I actually have the most mundane of questions, but it’s been so long since I’ve been in an English class that I feel like I’ve completely forgotten (and I’m curious how you do it): how do you go about reading a book as a class? Do you assign them the chapters to read at home and most of them actually do it? Or do you give them class time to read? Do you have the kids who try to spoil the rest of the book for the class? Basically, how does one teach a book in the year 2024?  😀

And do you have your students annotate inside their books? (I know the English teachers in my school require the students to do that, and I get why, but I inwardly shudder every time I see a student marking up a page.) 

Haha I love this question because I too am always asking myself how DOES one each a book in 2024?

It’s sort of a combination. I absolutely assign reading every night (almost) unless it’s Shakespeare or any play in which case we read it all in class. But for a novel there’s a couple chapters a night. I read aloud to them a lot too. Sometjmes I make them read aloud to the whole class, rotating kids who read. Sometimes I assign a chapter to be read in class silently with questions or quotes due at the end of the reading. Sometimes I put them in groups and make them read aloud to each other. There’s no one way that works for sure and of course ultimately I have no control over how much they read and I’m not naive enough to think that most of the reading assigned for homework doesn’t get skipped most of the time buuuuuut.

My bottom line is that I believe it’s my job to get excited about the actual text itself (easier for me in some cases than others but overall pretty easy because it does fill me with excitement) and then commit to taking them on the journey of the story with me. And my goal—that I’m sure I often don’t reach—is to make that experience so much more fun if you have actually read. And the way that I teach is pretty text heavy which is why I always make sure I’ve read the chapters for the day and am not just relying on my memory because the way I do it is just sort of absorbing it all up like a vacuum-cleaner, schwooooop, and then either pulling stuff out of the reading to look at directly or directing them to do the same thing. So the big thing that I have going for me, if any, is buy-in. Is getting kids excited about actually reading the actual text. I also speak often and passionately about the evils of sparknotes etc. not because they help kids get better grades or whatever but because they present you with the husk and shell of a story, stripped of all that makes it interesting, and that by reading that alone they’re reading something so dry and dull and are not achieving what I always want them to achieve —which is, have an Experience with the Literature.

Again, it never works perfectly by any stretch and there are so many ways I want to explore in my quest to get better at it but overall I think, at my very best, I can create this wave of energy and excitement in the story itself which is the most organic and ultimately most helpful way to get them to want to read.

Also no haha. I don’t let them annotate! Though occasionally kids DO of course. But sometimes they bring in their own copies in order to do that. The spoilers absolutely happen and are annoying but I sort of get by it by moving on very quickly and/or talking about how it’s often not the ending but how you get there that makes it interesting. Because that’s just true!

#gosh does this answer make sense #I am so passionate about doing it well and there are huge gaps in my teaching in terms of concrete stuff #but I am doing ….. Something in terms of bringing literature closer to them #and that’s what I want to do! #also love love love the bonus of getting to reread great works over and over until they start sinking into my brain #and I think (well I usually don’t think about it) but I think that the experience for them of watching me read it again #(and sometimes literally I won’t have time to read I need 10 minutes to finish this chapter and tell them to shut up) #(while I sit there and read it) #reminds them that I AM committed to doing the work with them. that I am actually doing it and that I want to! #and idk I think that is both a rarer experience and one that’s kind of underrated in terms of how much warmth it can create #because I have nothing in common with 16 year olds we couldn’t be friends in real life without it being very weird/possibly inappropriate #but in class we have a Thing to be friends about #we have a shared goal! and not just an arbitrary one but a deeply beautiful one #idk. there’s still a lot of boredom a lot of pushback a lot of disinterest #but I’m always amazed at how often kids do want to …. idk sink their teeth into something real #it’s REAL food for their minds. and the hunger for it is there even if they decide they’re too lazy to join the group #my goal is to —merely by the situation itself—make you feel left out of the fun if you refuse to do the work #so you can CHOOSE that but it’s less fun. it’s cold. it’s boring and it’s isolating #because refusing to do the work and insisting on being a little toad SHOULD come with natural social punishments in the form of exclusion #from the best kind of fun. it often does NOT. but yeah. I think I’m also getting better at shutting down toad behavior from adolescent male #this is where teaching co-Ed helps because there are some girls who are like ‘if you stop my learning I will kill you’ #not ENOUGH girls but some #ooooof this is a long answer but literally always on my mind #thank you for asking!!! also haha I assumed you were an English teacher yourself!

[taydaq]

I updated my carrd, but I've decided to stop posting on instagram due to their ridiculous AI bullshit. I'm just very tired of AI tech bros and the people who support them coming in, STEALING hard work, and taking over creative spaces.

If you want garbage art from a machine and people who think they're an artist because they typed in a few words, go ahead. But I don't want to stay.

#anti ai art #fuck ai art #no one can convince its a good idea when they're stealing from hard working artists #who took the time and effort to do their craft #it took me 24 years to get where I am and I can still learn #like #I didn't practice for that long just to have people come in to feed my drawings into a machine and crap out what they call art #AI art is the same as me putting a pre-cooked meal into the microwave and saying I'm a professional chef #they are so delusional #it makes me super angry #and I can't believe people want this stuff into our movies and tv shows #it looks like shit #real art has meaning and soul behind it #people who love their craft put their heart into it and it makes people think and feel #I love it when I get comments on how someone can tell the thought and time it took to do something #especially when it comes to my portraits and personal work

[abimee]

ruyan is literally so beautiful that i get ill looking at her

#a lot of my time as a person who cant recognize himself to the point that if you start asking about myself im going to lie to you #is that i really like to engage with media that asks you to be present in the text by creating an outside being who simply has #some similarities to me #like the concepts i know i have. but make them their own unique person #so ruyan is really fun in that if i was a well adjusted person she would probably be a self insert and not her own person #but instead by the grace of god and my own mental problems she exists and is a full person that i practically see as a friend #like when i like a character so much that they become a comfort to me (emil) my brain engages in relationship interpretation to that #chartacter. emil is my daughter who i feel paternal sentiments to despite me being a human person and her being code in a video game #for ruyan she is like a friend where i want to go to her wedding and see her kids and hear about her life #i may have made her but i watch her as if i just met her' #recognizing this thing i have going on has helped me immensely be comfortable with myself #ruyan is a friend to me a sister tock is my daughter who i feel a real world father-daughter dynamic towards #i feel the need to nourish her and entertain her and put her to bed and let her know i love her #and you dont have to think this is normal because if you by now havent harbored some sort of #This Guy is Weird sentiment towards me youre either like me or VERY kind #but i know that i have parts of me that are weird. i am 23 years old bringing toys to the beach #but i dont chase validation so much as i just enjoy when its given to me #but i dont need validation because i cant even form my own self to need validation for #im learning about myself like im wiping down an old mirror. that doesnt need validation because im seeing it for the first time #im having my understanding moment here and you are free to leave the room and leave me to my mirrow

[gifti3]

another thing I enjoy about asmos character is that we get hints about some of his past romantic relationships

Im sure the other brothers have engaged with others in the past but actually getting to read about it is interesting to me

#obey me asmodeus #i wanna learn everything about this character hah #it makes him feel more real the more info i get #also this info in particular makes sense for his type of character #being the avatar of lust and having so much love in his body #and ik it sounds weird cause #“ahh this is a self indulgent dating game we dont wanna hear about them being interested in others or having past lovers" #but i think it ENHANCES the importance of asmo falling for MC in the end (thats the whole point of “flirty” types tho) #also im nosy...im down to know! #trying to date changed my brain chemistry #me before would have not cared i think #anyways i refuse to believe none of the brothers other than asmo havent been interested in anyone other than mc #like only mc? #are u sure.... #idk how to say it without sounding mean #but....thousands of years of existence and u never looked at anyone else other than mc? #no crushes even? #if they were aromantic it would make sense but they aren't cause mc (and even then people can experiment) #ik its fictional self indulgence but...it feels so unrealistic i cant take it seriously #when a character is only capable of falling in love with mc #and apparently NO ONE ELSE in the whole wide world #im already like “...hmmm naur” but now factor in that the character is not human and has been around for a very long time.... #like theyve had to met so many people by now please be for real right now #well thats my spiel but i feel like i can keep rambling about this honestly