#I’m terrified of everything right now

[maroonafternoon]

I will be honest. I am having a hard time.

#last month we had to move my boyfriend very quickly into a new apartment because his lease was not renewed #and I had to use almost all my savings on that #my mom got married last week and she’s really bad at planning #so I had to pick up a lot of slack for her #I got shafted on my shift bid and am starting it today #it’s 12:30 to 9 Monday thru Thursday #this is the worst shift I could’ve gotten #which means my stats are terrible and I’m lucky I’m keeping my job #but also they tell me they like me? Idk how to feel #plus my bf works nights and has trouble waking up #so I’m terrified he’s going to get fired if I’m unable to be there to wake him up #I still work my second job one day a week which does not pay nearly as well #but if this new schedule destroys my life I will have to go back to it #I feel like such a failure #also don’t remember when I got my period last #I’m terrified of everything right now #I’ve taken a few pregnancy tests in the last couple weeks and they’ve all been negative but my god #idk what I’m gonna do if that happens #personal

[lesbianleonardo]

sooo normal about this (lying)

#idw is constantly Kiling It with the turtle characterizations but man what they are doing with raph is so special #he was alone for a Year at the very start and then finally found his family #he’s familiar with how to survive but now he has a support system! a family! #and then bit by bit everything gets more dangerous #casey gets hurt Badly. leo is kidnapped and brainwashed. donnie almost dies. splinter’s desperate to kill shredder and succeeds #and then mikey leaves bc he sees the path splinter is on and he can’t be a part of that #raph’s family keeps getting hurt or they leave and he’s trying so hard to protect and keep them together #god the talk raph has with mikey absolutely rips me apart bc it’s literally right before splinter sets up harold as bait #we all know raph is the fighter and the protector but i really like how idw showcases it #he’s terrified but he can’t stop fighting or else something else will happen to his family and they will possibly get killed #sorry i’m insane about him #tmnt idw #tmnt #idw #idw raph #idw leo #idw donnie #idw mikey #teenage mutant ninja turtles #turtle talks

[detentiontrack]

*googles “is almond milk toxic for cats” frantically in hysterics because I’ve convinced myself CZ is going to die after stealing some of my cereal*

#my anxiety is pretty well managed right now but I’m terrified of something happening to him #after his emergency surgery last september I think everything is going to almost kill him #almost milk isn’t toxic to cats btw #it’s not good for them as an every day thing but a few sips is harmless

[whatsnacks]

today i and another transmasc friend of mine were harassed on public transport by a group of cishet white teenage school boys. no one helped us. we’re very visibly queer, and i’ve been presenting masc for a year, but the increase in the amount of times i’ve been yelled at, harassed, and called slurs in public over the last 6 months has been noticeable. i faced this within my previous workplace before they fired me a few months after i came out as trans (which was around when things started to get worse), but the increase is seriously concerning to me considering everything happening right now. please stay educated, please stay aware, and please stay safe.

#to top it off someone yelled jew at me from their car when i was standing outside a visibly kosher grocer #(i’m jewish for context) #kind of a vent but i also wanted to make people aware. #but honestly i dont know how much i can be an educator right now #i think i just wanted to speak about this because i want people to understand the urgency of what is happening right now. #i hate to talk about this but i am terrified and i love my trans siblings so much and i want us to live. #and to my trans siblings: i love you. you are wonderful and you deserve everything.

[to-dance-beneath-the-diamond-sky]

I know it’s international asexuality day and we’re supposed to be proud of being ace and all. But idk. That’s hard when I really really hate that I’m ace. Being a cisgender heteroromantic sex-repulsed ace is not exactly a fun or positive experience for me. It is just me feeling lonely and defective and wrong all the fucking time. Like that’s genuinely great for all the aces and aro people out there who love it and can take pride in it. You’re valid and you’re not broken and I’m happy for you that you can embrace and celebrate this part of your identity, I genuinely am. But for me personally, I would give just about anything to not be ace, I hate it so much. Being ace has never not once done a single good for me.

#I’m sorry #but I just want to be normal #Yeah yeah yeah I know internalized acephobia and all that #but idk #being ace has genuinely never resulted in a single good thing for me #very very hard not to hate it when it only ever makes life more difficult for you #idk maybe it’s just that it combines with my other trauma and shit but like #I still hate it and would give almost anything to not be this way #I want to be lovable #I want to be able to be in a normal healthy romantic relationship #instead of being terrified of them and sabotaging everything because the person will want to have sex #And the thought of having sex with anyone is literally panic inducing #Anyways #please ignore me #im just being emo and sad #Because I have such an intense crush on someone right now #And I can’t pursue it because I’m ace and he’d want things from me and I’m just. I just can’t #I can’t even talk about being ace to people because no one gets it and it makes me soo uncomfortable to have to talk about it or explain it #so yeah he’s so nice and I really really really like him. But like every other of the few times I’ve been romantically attracted to someone #I’m not gonna act on it because I’m fucking ace and I’m gonna be alone my whole fucking life #Because no one would ever want to be with me given the way I am #God #sorry please just ignore me #Personal

[kaeyaphile]

all thoughts, head full of ✨aventurine✨

+ a bunch of rambling/life updates in the tags, oops

#kayleigh.txt #y’all i seriously cannot stop thinking about this lil’ pixelated man 🫠 #i officially have everything to fully level and max him and his lightcone and his traces 👏🏻 #only e0s1 of course; i’m broke af 😅 #hopefully for his rerun i can get some eidolons but alas not this time unfortunately 💔 #he’s literally on the same level as kaeya in my heart; favorite hsr character for sure #(jing yuan has been demoted to my second favorite now because i am a silly goose) #i honestly never thought i’d be so adoring of hoyoverse characters but... here we are 🤷🏼‍♀️ #actual legitimate feelings for real people??? ❎ #actual legitimate feelings for fictional characters??? ✅ #aNYWAYS the brainrot is really bad y’all and i apologize that my entire personality has been taken over by this man 🤡 #i wish that i had an income right now so that i could commission some self–indulgent selfship art but alas 😩 #once my irl bestie’s wedding and honeymoon is over on may 10th i will be going back to looking for a job 👌🏻 #i’ve applied to probably 50+ jobs throughout the past few months and have heard absolutely nothing back 💀 #i have given up for now; i have to get my mental health and autoimmune diseases under control first tbqh #i have a psychiatrist appointment on the 16th which i am terrified regarding but hopefully it goes well 🥲🤞🏻 #and i am going to start a new injectable medication for my autoimmune diseases asap #i have to deep clean my house and revamp my reptile enclosures before i commit to a job as well ugh #i have to actually get my shit tf together before i start legitimately looking for a job again is what i’m saying 😂

[ashxxgyu]

I think I’ll feel so much better after my design midterm-

#right now I’m absolutely terrified #it’s been so long since I’ve presented in front of a panel or a critic and I’m scared I’ll mess up #or not convey everything about my design #♡₊˚ princess’s diary・₊✧🧸

[queerwhohatesithere]

here’s ur friendly reminder that trump has been very transparent with his agenda if he’s president and no matter what we should not let him become president again because then we’re all fucked

#don’t clown on my post i’ll block you #i swearrrrr to goddddddd #let me just say right now #i am not saying biden is perfect. at all. or even good. #but unless we can all agree on a better candidate and actually vote for them #trump is gonna get elected #and then we’re all fucked #now should we just bring everything down?? #YES #but that takes time #and is a lot harder with a fascist in charge #. #so #i’m terrified of trump becoming president #i don’t want us to make this our reality #and it isn’t yet.

[arthur-r]

so close to finally buying a folding cane can i have some words of encouragement maybe?

#right now i am literally fucking. stranded on the fourth floor of a random university building cause i can’t walk home #but i still feel guilty for making accomodations for myself. and i’m scared to spend the money #i have everything pulled up i just need to put in my debit card information and it’ll arrive next week #just need to remind myself that this is something i actually need #cause every time i have a good day i say man i never needed that to begin with. and when i have a bad day it’s excruciating #but i can’t help but think what if i am actually entirely healthy forever starting tomorrow???? #idk. spending money is also just terrifying. $20 is actually kind of a lot #idk. im not feeling well im gonna try and lay down a little better here. not an acceptable place for floor time though #i’ll post what i’m looking at in a second #me. my post. mine. #delete later #ask to tag

[myfirstandlast]

going through answered asks from when i was 18 wanting to hold myself so tightly

#i’ve never cared for the whole i wish i could see my younger self thing #because from where i was standing it was always still bad so thought why would i want to see them now #things are going to become very hard again very soon but last year was the best year of my entire life #i did something terrifying and then i claimed my life as my own #and a year later i have a car! and im driving! you can’t understand how impossible of a thought this was to me before #i live on my own and i’ve decorated my body and my bedroom and i can buy things i never thought id be able to own #i miss connecting with others my dash is a total wasteland now but i just #seriously cannot believe where i am right now. even though some things are still so screwed up and more screwed things are on the way #and i’m terrified of course. january is the perfect month to feel like ending it all. too much unknown #but still 2023 felt like magic i didn’t deserve and yet i basked in it #i’m not incredibly successful i’m not very interesting but im still so proud of myself somehow. even though i hate myself #it’s not as much as i used to. i appreciate myself more now and i can see how i needed me to get here. and im grateful for me #and for everything i have. i’m just speechless i can’t believe the life i currently have #i’m waiting to enter the era of travelling and intimate get together those areas are still slow coming #but if i could do this i can only hope and hope and squeeze my eyes tight to make them appear someday #i miss so many things but i don’t miss the old me. she sucked but she also cared and she’s still here in fragments #it’s strange to write this way i’ve never felt this sort of compassion before i was so so deeply depressed #it was inescapable and for good reason i don’t know how i made it through anything i’ve endured #i have to thank myself for always being too scared to die

[trashbaget]

mentally ill side (is there a mentally well side) of tumblr—what advice/tips/thoughts of any kind on getting psychiatric help do you have??

#it’s time to Get Help lol and i’m a little lost on where to start #(& everything feels blown out of proportion in terms of terrifying in my head) #the only experience i have with this sort of stuff is walking to the clinic on my uni campus but i’m not going to school anymore so i’ve got #to find resources in my city and i wanted to know if there’s anything i should know??? #i’ve learned i’m kinda blind to red flags in a lot of like. Situations?? (idk blame it on the neurodivergence) #specifically: i am fairly certain i’m bipolar and if anyone has support to give in that area i adore you #i’m just at a super duper low point in life right now and this is the beginning of my Ask For Help #i’ve been just ignoring it all and i need to Not Do That lol #so um. idk??? #hi.-;’/&)$<~*}%=

[gothgamergaara]

Like two days ago I started having thoughts that I didn’t actually need to go on hormones now bc I’m not actively suicidal from dysphoria & co. And now I’m certainly not doing super well, esp when I think about coming out to my family and like. Well . There are more ways to get to the same place aren’t there. I don’t know what to do w myself

#I feel so. stupid. and selfish and inconsiderate and everything #I don’t know why it feels so horrible when my family has explicitly stated their support for trans people before #I’m just so terrified it will change everything and that I’ll never be the same again #and right now I’m missing the time when I didn’t even know I was trans #because even if I had my suspicions I don’t think it ever felt this bad? #I don’t know. just a week ago it felt right it felt like I could do it and everything would be okay #and now here I am. crying . wanting to hurt more to make sense of the pain. I won’t but it’s always difficult when that urge comes back

[wren-kitchens]

hey does anyone have good news about the world cause i’m not convinced i’ll live past 23

#not even from mh issues either #just #the physical earth is dying and it’s our fault and no one gives a shit yk #no that’s wrong #*no one who can make a considerable difference gives a shit #sorry all my posts are so pessimistic right now lmao I don’t have enough brain energy to suppress thoughts anymore apparently #but it’s a little bit scary yk #like idk what’s gonna happen #we said that if nothing happens before 2030 then we’re screwed #well times tickin #there’s fuck all I can do about it #I can recycle a bottle and turn of my lights but apart from that the fuck am I supposed to do #I can’t implement laws that prohibit harmful gasses being emitted into the atmosphere #I can’t fix the economy #I can’t fix poverty and make sure everyone has enough to eat and drink #I can’t make everything run on solar power to reduce carbon emissions #dude I couldn’t get anyone to take me seriously when I was so terrified of climate change in y7 that i’d be crying about it near constantly #now ppl just think i’m vegan #which i’m not because guess what I fucking can’t because I won’t get enough vitamins or iron because I have bullshit sensory issues #i’m either dying from myself or the world whichever comes first #and they’re both approaching pretty fucking fast i’ll tell you that #anyway #hope elongated muskrat has fun with his fucking bird app #hoax rambles #vent #tw vent #vent tw #climate change #global warming #the terrifying thing is the fact we can literally see it happening

[seilon]

sudden vivid memory of being 14-15 years old and daring to wear knee-length boy’s shorts to a local summer festival in one of my first public acts of transgenderism and despite that being the most mundane thing on earth (especially considering I was still not allowed to cut my hair at that point so i by no means looked mistakably like a guy or anything) being verbally torn to shreds to the point of sobbing by my mother upon getting home because I was apparently making myself (and her by association) look bad and being a flagrant humiliation in front of my friends’ parents. i guess sometimes i forget how scarring and often terrifying simply Existing as a trans kid was lol

#cw transphobia #my mom’s said some of the worst things you can imagine to me re: my gender over the span of my life #but at least now I’m an adult with some autonomy and years of built-up resistance and im not as young and impressionable and whatever #i remember this sort of thing and how legit terrifying it was and just go hm. impressive i never killed myself but boy do i live with the #mental reprocussions of living through it #im just glad im on t now and i pass and I don’t hate looking at myself in the mirror or feel like I want to rip my body apart #god being a teenager was just fucking awful #my friend asked the other day what I’d do if I had to re-live my teens again and while she was like hell yeah I’d be so smart and I’d do #everything right this time around and etc. I just. still sat there like oh yeah no I’d kill myself #getting through those years as a trans kid + family issues + mental illness + etc was like being hauled over broken glass #and I would rather die than have all the effort and endurance go to waste just to do it again #anyway sorry this was random and sad #i need to get up and eat that’s probably why I’m. like this right now #kibumblabs

[lauryn-order]

I am not okay.

#I’m so beyond depressed right now #I can’t sleep #I’ve been all alone #unable to move because of my ankle #I can’t shower #again because of my ankle and being too scared to shower when I’m alone because what if I get stuck #I’m losing everything in two weeks #I’m terrified #spiraling #have done nothing but count down the time until I might get a glimpse of human interaction #while scrolling TikTok to pass the time #I can’t do this #I don’t know how to do this #I’ve had self harm thoughts and urges for the first time in ages #and it doesn’t help I don’t have my full dosage of antidepressants rn because my doc screwed up #I just want to be held #and feel safe

[artificial-condition]

I’m feeling hopeful for the future ❤️🌳🙌✈️

#my thoughts #I have felt the future like a weight for so long #but lately I’ve realized how young I am #and how the future will come #and I can do what I want #I have so much time to do so many things #conflicting things. messy things #I can do something and quit it and do something completely else #the future isn’t set in stone #often I felt bad because of the choices I make about the way I want my life to go #feeling like I’m missing out or a failure because I don’t want/can’t do/can’t get x thing #but. if I decide I want it. I can do it!!!!! #I can try it #and it might work out or it might not #I feel bad because it seems both thrilling but too terrifying to move somewhere away from my family #but maybe after I move out after a couple of years #it won’t be as terrifying!!! #and I can move somewhere else!!! and move back if I want to!!!!!! #I don’t have to have everything figured out right now #I used to feel bad because I didn’t have everything figured out #but not having everything figured out it a gift!!!! I can leave things to figure out later!!!! things that might be great!!!!! #just feeling good