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#Learning your friend was just using you
andthebeanstalk · 11 months
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Today my therapist introduced me to a concept surrounding disability that she called "hLep".
Which is when you - in this case, you are a disabled person - ask someone for help ("I can't drink almond milk so can you get me some whole milk?", or "Please call Donna and ask her to pick up the car for me."), and they say yes, and then they do something that is not what you asked for but is what they think you should have asked for ("I know you said you wanted whole, but I got you skim milk because it's better for you!", "I didn't want to ruin Donna's day by asking her that, so I spent your money on an expensive towing service!") And then if you get annoyed at them for ignoring what you actually asked for - and often it has already happened repeatedly - they get angry because they "were just helping you! You should be grateful!!"
And my therapist pointed out that this is not "help", it's "hLep".
Sure, it looks like help; it kind of sounds like help too; and if it was adjusted just a little bit, it could be help. But it's not help. It's hLep.
At its best, it is patronizing and makes a person feel unvalued and un-listened-to. Always, it reinforces the false idea that disabled people can't be trusted with our own care. And at its worst, it results in disabled people losing our freedom and control over our lives, and also being unable to actually access what we need to survive.
So please, when a disabled person asks you for help on something, don't be a hLeper, be a helper! In other words: they know better than you what they need, and the best way you can honor the trust they've put in you is to believe that!
Also, I want to be very clear that the "getting angry at a disabled person's attempts to point out harmful behavior" part of this makes the whole thing WAY worse. Like it'd be one thing if my roommate bought me some passive-aggressive skim milk, but then they heard what I had to say, and they apologized and did better in the future - our relationship could bounce back from that. But it is very much another thing to have a crying shouting match with someone who is furious at you for saying something they did was ableist. Like, Christ, Jessica, remind me to never ask for your support ever again! You make me feel like if I asked you to call 911, you'd order a pizza because you know I'll feel better once I eat something!!
Edit: crediting my therapist by name with her permission - this term was coined by Nahime Aguirre Mtanous!
Edit again: I made an optional follow-up to this post after seeing the responses. Might help somebody. CW for me frankly talking about how dangerous hLep really is.
#hlep#original#mental health#my sympathies and empathies to anyone who has to rely on this kind of hlep to get what they need.#the people in my life who most need to see this post are my family but even if they did I sincerely doubt they would internalize it#i've tried to break thru to them so many times it makes my head hurt. so i am focusing on boundaries and on finding other forms of support#and this thing i learned today helps me validate those boundaries. the example with the milk was from my therapist.#the example with the towing company was a real thing that happened with my parents a few months ago while I was age 28. 28!#a full adult age! it is so infantilizing as a disabled adult to seek assistance and support from ableist parents.#they were real mad i was mad tho. and the spoons i spent trying to explain it were only the latest in a long line of#huge family-related spoon expenditures. distance and the ability to enforce boundaries helps. haven't talked to sisters for literally the#longest period of my whole life. people really believe that if they love you and try to help you they can do no wrong.#and those people are NOT great allies to the chronically sick folks in their lives.#you can adore someone and still fuck up and hurt them so bad. will your pride refuse to accept what you've done and lash out instead?#or will you have courage and be kind? will you learn and grow? all of us have prejudices and practices we are not yet aware of.#no one is pure. but will you be kind? will you be a good friend? will you grow? i hope i grow. i hope i always make the choice to grow.#i hope with every year i age i get better and better at making people feel the opposite of how my family's ableism has made me feel#i will see them seen and hear them heard and smile at their smiles. make them feel smart and held and strong.#just like i do now but even better! i am always learning better ways to be kind so i don't see why i would stop
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batcavescolony · 2 years
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"I wish ao3 would let me-"
It probably does, you just gotta learn how to do it.
"I wanna see fics for only my opt"
Go to either fandom tag or your ships tag, (if you're doing fandom tag you have to add your ship in the 'relationship' section),go to fliters (mobile) or the right hand side (desktop), go to the 'search within results' area and put in otp:true just like that click 'sort and filter' And it'll pull up all fics with just your otp.
(EDIT: if you wanna do this but still have other parings try otp:false instead of otp:true)
"I wanna sort by _____ not 'Date updated'"
Go to 'filters' or right, theirs a drop down and you can change it to 'author' 'title' 'date posted' ect their are more options. Pick one, click 'sort and filter'
"I don't wanna see /reader"
Filter or Right, go to 'search within results' type in -/reader like that, click 'sort and filter'. No more /reader
"I don't want explicit works"
You know where we're going Right or filter. 'Exclude' section. 'Ratings' click the box that says 'explicit'
Obviously if people don't tag shit correctly it's not gonna work but yeah you just gotta learn how the tagging works. For better tutorials go to TikTok and search 'ao3 tutorials' you can do just about everything.
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mrpsychokiller · 1 year
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this is how people talk about you online when you dont use they/them pronouns
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jojo-schmo · 3 months
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Just Admit It- Part 1
I've been playing around with possible friendship dynamics of the Beast Council for fun!! I love imagining what kind of childhood they could have in the Forgotten Land all together.
What if Carol and Sillydillo are the fun-loving extroverts? Leon is the introverted one who's been smitten by Carol for a really really long time but he's too shy about it? And Gori is the friend who is an excellent observer and will bluntly tell you what he thinks (and maybe has a tendency to get grumpy when things aren't easily going his way).
Somewhat of a prequel to this other doodle comic about Leon and Carol- everyone here is still a kid ^_^
Part 2
#I know beast pack headcanons are so wildly up to interpretation! there's a few canon personality traits and lots of space to fill in betwee#I also just love stories about a group of lifelong friends all doing their best!#so why not play around with them and see what kind of stories about love and friendship they might experience? heehee.#and not all of them are about just Leon and Carol I have other plans!! this is just one of the first ones I have :P#these are quick and very self indulgent but I hope they can still be enjoyable hehe#friend squads for the win!!#also I feel like I draw the beast council a little differently every time I try lol. I'm getting used to them okay they are all so so shape#you should see the first drawings I ever tried to do of them. they are a little rough xD#I'm starting to understand why there's not a TON of content for them. Pretty much everyone except Carol are BUILT DIFFERENT#LEONGAR. WHY is your body and head proportioned like that?! you made me make up my own rules for drawing you!!#sillydillo and your funny little snout! I learned so much studying you! and I have so much work to do with all of you adjakflja#but I guess that's the definition of developing personal art styles huh?#so I guess these funny little stories have the added benefit of getting me more comfortable with the beasts!#ANYWAY that concludes this round of Jojo's director's commentary. like and subscribe#beast pack#clawroline#leongar#sillydillo#gorimondo#beast council#Kirby and the forgotten land#Kirby series#art#caroleon#????#sHOOT I still don't know the ship name I can't commit to one someone please tell me what it is I don't want to make one up ahh#ask me to tag it and I will happily do so sdjakfljdsla
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You're sooooo silly thank you for all the bears :3 <3
we’d say we are the silliest but polar bears exist
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oddly-casual · 7 months
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Fiona and Cake spoilers seriously
(Something I noticed abt Betty and Simons relationship)
I love Betty and Simon’s relationship, I think their back story is so cute and romantic and all that lovely stuff don’t get me wrong.
But there’s this under tone of Betty constantly giving things up for Simon and we don’t really talk about it a lot???
Like, Betty let Simon have his moment with the artifact and the pubic, she also doesn’t go to her trip in favor of going on an expedition with Simon. Then when she goes to leave again she stays for Simon.
Even Fiona is like “you went with her on the bus?” And Simon just looks all confused like “what? No, why would I do that?” Like- hello???
Then after that she gave up her entire life and mind to get Simon back to the point where she literally says “I don’t know who I am without him anymore.” And that just sucks! Since the beginning Betty has been the one giving up the most, her mind, her own possible career, and it’s a story of love of course and it’s very sweet but it’s also a story of sacrifice.
Their love wasn’t a perfect solution, it was already sort of imbalanced when it started and I lowkey love how we see those cracks even before they’re together.
Again, I love their relationship and I think it’s sweet. I just think we should talk about Betty’s side more, especially when she tells a story of what most women do in relationships, sacrifice.
#fiona and cake spoilers#fiona and cake#simon petrikov#betty grof#It made itself really apparent in these newest episodes and I couldn’t stop thinking abt it#like Betty idolized Simon before they formally met so of course she was gonna drop everything to go on that expedition with him#but it was more after that too like she was going to leave to study in Australia but Simon stopped her#and Betty’s a grown woman she can make her own decisions#but even Betty’s friend was like ‘don’t make her miss the bus!’ because Betty had a real opportunity to do something else#and maybe It’s that true love trumps all or what ever but the way they frame it in the show feels weird to me#like Why have Fiona ask if Simon got on the bus with Betty if it wasn’t important???#the way Simon responds feels weird too he responds like Fiona doesn’t make sense when asking that question#BUT ITS VALID Like why wouldn’t you encourage Betty to go off and maybe start her own career??#or just go with her?? like she gave up stuff to go on your exhibition why wouldn’t you return the favor???#and obviously Simon doesn’t do this on purpose I’m not saying he did#he didn’t guilt trip or force Betty or even ask her to give up these things to be with him Betty did all that on her own#i think it’s just interesting the way the show frames their relationship#like Betty gives up a lot to be with Simon in Fiona and Cake and in adventure time too#but she idolizes Simon and after Simon becomes IK she’s chasing after the man he used to be#meanwhile everyone learns to live with who IK is now it was just Betty who was clinging to Simon the whole way through#obviously they love each other and respect each other but I think Betty idolizing Simon didn’t just stay when they were kids#or college students or what ever it keto’s going even when the world ended and Simon became Ice King#this is was so much more than I planned on writing-
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tomwambsmilk · 10 months
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fr tho @staff why are you trying to make tumblr more like other sites why are you destroying your niche in the market please there have got to be ways to make tumblr more accessible to new users without sacrificing the very things that your existing userbase loves
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useless-catalanfacts · 10 months
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Btw if you come on holidays and stay at an AirBnb instead of an actual registered hotel I hate you personally. Not "I hate the gentrification and touristic massification and the way we can't live in our homes and are forced to move away because of tourism" in an abstract way- No, not just that. I hate you.
#I'm from a seaside town that has become popular with tourists who come for the beach and the mediterranean climate#and the typical whitewashed walls of mediterranean coastal towns#in just a few years the average rent has gone up so much that now the average rent id#*is over 1000€ per month#one thousand!#that's a whole salary!#in the past 2 years they've been building a new neighbourhood. they've destroyed the vinyeards to make a new neighbourhood that will make#the town 1/3 bigger than it is. that's a lot. but all those houses are luxury houses with private swimming pools for rich foreigners (we#already have 2 private British schools high schools and college(in the british sense)/baccalaureate where their kids go and never have to#interact with locals. I teach some of those kids and they're very prejudiced against locals and very bigoted against the catalan language#(which ofc they never bother to learn)#there's a law in catalonia that says that for every certain amount of houses you build you are obligated to build a certain percentage of#affordable housing. so in this new neighborhood they built the bare minumum affordable housing which is still too expensive for us#and since there's so few of them everyone is competing to get them. the city hall and the bank have had to make an official competition for#them but you only classify if the renr would not be more than 1/3rd of your salary which is impossible. my cousins who are in their mid 30s#and have been working a good qualified job for 15 years (and their partners too) are considered too poor to be considered for the#affordable housing#everyone is having to move out to other cities away from their friends and family and current jobs. the only jobs left here soon will be#mostly directed at tourists#and the only way to continue living here if you're a normal person and not rich is if you're an only child who one day might inherit the#parents' house#but we look around at what's happening in nearby cities and we see the next step which will be airbnb taking the houses that are left#in many places (I've posted about thia before) there aren't any flats for rent or sell anymore that isn't an airbnb#I'm still lucky in my town when compared to other places like Barcelona which are already full of the airbnb plague#actualitat#airbnb#tourism#touristic massification#gentrification
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thepoisonroom · 5 months
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that post that's like "learning social skills helps with social anxiety" applies to dating also btw
#i guess they have a circular relationship because also going on lots of first dates was really trial by fire for me in learning lots lf#new social skills#meeting new people was never my strong suit and i was very afraid of it and would avoid it but like!#when i first tried going on first dates i learned a lot about how to meet people and met types of queer people i'd never met before#and actually it was good for me even though it was often weird and stressful#and it was a lower-stakes way to practice social skills that i otherwise would've just avoided using until they atrophied#anyway whenever i see a dating profile that's like 'i'm afraid of talking to women lol' i'm like ok relatable but what's your plan to learn#i think also just like it doesn't have to be through dating but it is good for you to meet other gay and trans people offline if possible#when i moved to wisconsin i only knew my coworkers who were mostly also twentysomethings who'd been hired straight from college#and it was good for me to meet and make friends with other local gay and trans people who were involved in different stuff#idk i just don't know how many more 'i'm obsessed with romance but scoff at the idea that i should do anything about that' posts i can read#like if i said i wanted to run a marathon but i never practiced running people would fairly be like okay that's prob not gonna happen#idk i know it's no skin off my nose i'm just like. if you never take any steps towards expressing your desires#how do you think they're going to just happen to you#personal nonsense
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prompt-master · 2 years
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I love the difference in Draxum and Splinter's best worst dad energy
Splinter loves all his sons but he does have a favorite (altho that can change depending on the way) and that shows but at least will usually tell you that he doesn't have one
Draxum on the other hand would not hestiate to say "i do not care for the blue one"
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puppyeared · 1 month
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Atla live action 😐
#thats my honest reaction 😐#to be fair ive only seen 20 minutes of the s1 finale bc my parents are watching it but. mmmmm kinda mid#like. the casting is definitely an improvement since the last time they tried a live action but it feels like the writing falls flat#or maybe im being harsh bc ive only heard negative criticism on it beforehand. but fr anytime u bring up the original its already#good and not just because its the original. so much fucking detail went into it to the point of someone noticing azula wielding mai's knive#to how well thought out irohs character is used as a way of uniting the cast especially as zukos foil#i heard that sokkas sexism was toned down and i have to agree that feels like a cheap move. like i get WHY they think it would be better#but its not about how that reflects on real world its about how it affects the story. sokka starts out as a misogynistic asshole because#it makes it that much more impactful when he changes. toning that down makes it flatter and makes his character development weak#and someone pointed out they didnt even make him wear the kyoshi warrior uniform and i know it feels like such a small detail but#come on man. they did that in the original because not only does it help him really walk in their shoes - wearing 'feminine' clothing and#makeup and having suki explain its significance but it also ties in with the shows theme of harmony and intersectionality#i was also disappointed when they had the fire sages explain how the water tribe draws power from the moon because in the original it was#IROH who explained it to aang and everyone else BECAUSE we as the audience is under the impression hes with the 'bad guys'#and it builds up to how he learned from the other nations which reconciles his past as a war general and his character overall#AND its an excellent starting point for the cast and audience to understand how the nations arent as closed off as you would think#plus you would think its only fire nation doing propaganda but they expanded on that with earth kingdom censorship and it WORKS#a lot of things in the live action also feel arbitrary like. they gave momo a near death experience for 5 minutes for no reason#im firmly on the stance of bringing back filler moments instead of putting major events right after each other so that u give your#audience a sense of time passing and to really absorb the story. but i think thats more like shock value than filler and yeah its a small#thing to gripe about but those things build up and its really annoying. the thing abt avatar filler moments is that however small#its at least meaningful. hell even the beach episode emphasizes how isolated zuko and his friends are as child soldiers#i also swore to never watch the first live action since it was that bad but i really liked the stylized tattoos they used for aang#anyway. those arejust my thoughts. im not gonna watch the rest because im a ride or die for the original aftr growing up and#rewatching it at least 20 times as a kid. but theres definitely room for improvement and i wish ppl wouldnt take it as 'better' just cuz#netflix is adapting it. i wouldve killed for them to just reanimate the entire avatar series and touch NOTHING ELSE no redub#no changes to the story. just reanimate the thing and leave the rest alone and youd make easy money just the same#ALSO its very jarring not hearing jack desena and dante basco voicing sokka and zuko cause their voices were the most recognizable to me#i get that its because its live action but im allowed to feel a little sad abt that. and uncle irohs accent was really soothing#yapping
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okkennymay · 2 months
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Hi Kenny, how's 2024 treating you?
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I feel a little bit like i'm running down an incredibly steep hill but I'm managing somehow 💖
I got to briefly join my sisters hens/bucks party weekend getaway for a few hours near the start of the year, it was an amazing experience and to have gotten to join in on the fun with family and friends and celebrate my sister and her fiance's marriage-to-be was an experience I never thought could happen! ♪(^∇^*) I mean sure I spent most of it hidden away, in the lil cabin my parents were renting a bit further away from all the party people, resting between moments of interaction but it was AWESOME!
and then I lost my 'no major episode' streak (almost 5 months!! A frickEN MiRAcle!!) a week later and have spent most of the time recovering 9w9" ahh all that recovery torn away and damage redone ;w; But i have been quietly working on commissions in the shadows with those who have popped up in my Instant messages- yah boi got bills to pay and a DSP don't quite cut it, so I got some nice art to post when i can get out of my own head for a minute to do so wOOOO ╰(*°▽°*)╯ my clients are my hero's honestly, it's one of the reasons why I pour so much love into my work
Sorry if that was a bit more of answer than yah wanted Anon <3 I feel a lil bit like all the people responding to Elmo's "how's everyone doing" but I tried to keep things lighthearted 💖
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storytellering · 3 months
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lvstharmony · 6 months
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​beyond grateful for the people that are surrounding me in my life, just as i am grateful for the people i’ve parted ways with, for without them, i would not be the person i am today.
#i have left so many people throughout my life#and#if someone would ask me if i’d regret any choice i’ve made i would say no#i regret hurting people yet i wouldn’t change a thing if i could#without the suffering the sacrifices and the lessons i would not be the person i am today that i can finally say i’m proud of#whenever i read the question “would you want to be your friend if you’d meet yourself?” deep down my answer was no#i was a good friend and i always tried my best to be there for everyone#but i was so blinded and overwhelmed by my pain that i tried so hard not to project on others that it was exactly the thing i’ve done#i was extremely caring sensitive loving and selfless but my ”bad“ traits were just as extreme#my emotions were so overwhelming that they were scattered all over the place that it didn’t allow me to have any control over them#i used to be so terrified of being alone. all i’ve felt was a great loneliness that was residing within me#until i’ve gathered the strength to leave an entire friendgroup with people that meant the world for me#they weren’t good for me anymore just as i wasn’t for them#since that day i’ve grown a lot i became a better and healthier version of myself#i learned how to be alone and to find the peace in it and in myself#all i’ve had was Allah swt. and He is all i will ever need.#without the hardships in terms of friendship i wouldn’t have been able to learn how to be alone and love and enjoy it#without it i could not say that i could easily give up the people in my life#i could if i had to bc i have Allah swt.#but i’ve learned how to choose and to choose the right people#i don’t need you and never will but i choose you bc i want you in my life and i think that makes it so much more special#i can finally say that i love the person i am today and can’t wait to see myself grow even more as the cycle of growing is never ending#I still have so much to learn and I will let it come to me with open arms#an open mind and an open heart#above all the most precious gift i’ve earned is to learn how to have tawakkul.#everything that happens every trial that is afflicted upon us has meaning#and it’s beautiful.#being able to pick out the khair in everything is the biggest blessing#alhamdulillah for the things that bruised my soul alhamdulillah for the things that mended it#alhamdulillah for everything bc truly; Allah does not burden a soul beyond that it can bear.
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svtskneecaps · 1 year
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my biological peer reviewer (sibling) called this theory “fun” and said i should send it, so here goes
my personal theory is the feds ((”federation”)) created the eggs because they decided the best way to enforce “you can never leave” was to give the people something they couldn’t lose, like in the post by tumblr user alexaloraetheris (no relation to the smp) where their friend who might be a deity had said,
"When you die you descend to the underworld with nothing to lose. To keep you, they give you something to lose. When you want to return, they will demand it back. That's why nobody ever leaves. The only way out is to never enter."
i’m thinkin that on egg D-Day, at the end of the countdown, the feds weren’t gonna give the eggs back. they were just gonna hide them forever, or do something else, anything else, just keep them away from their surrogate parents, because then the people would just be STUCK, because people could theoretically take their eggs and leave, but if the eggs are missing, gone without a trace, then the residents CAN’T LEAVE, because presumably the eggs are STILL THERE, SOMEWHERE, IN NEED OF HELP AND RESCUE, if only the residents could find them ON THE ISLAND. if they leave the island while the eggs are missing, they are abandoning these things that have become their children.
but then in came the brazilians. and shit went south. because see, the spenglish (spanish / english) streamers were INVITED, but the brazilians CRASHED; the feds didn’t INVITE THEM, they weren’t EXPECTING THEM, but they can’t let these guys leave either, so they PANIC, and they scramble to give the brazilians the same thing--something to lose. the new egg had a brazilian jersey, homie was TAILOR MADE for them to pack bond with. the feds didn’t have time to send out multiple eggs, it was all or nothing, so they picked something they could reasonably assume all five of them would find endearing because they don’t know shit about these guys--they had a week to observe the OG batch, but all they know about these newbies is the brazilian flag on their boat--and so they sent the little egg out to become THEIR THING, the thing they couldn’t afford to lose.
it leaves open why the eggs are cracked too, bc idk what’s going on there lol, either 1: the eggs cracked because they’re hatching and the feds picked that date bc they wanted to yoink the eggs before they got Too Powerful, or 2: the feds were the ones to crack the eggs as an excuse for why they vanished--returning the eggs untouched would open too many questions the feds don’t want them asking; this way, instead of being concerned specifically with “why were the eggs missing”, the residents presume they know the answer--the cracks.
but yea i’m just gonna add as an aside that personally i think cucurucho / osito bimbo / the white fucker is way more active again because the feds are still scrambling to keep up with the brazilians (which, again, the feds weren’t expecting), and the binary fuckwad came in to put the fear of god into the newbies--maybe so they didn’t get too focused on the morse code transmissions; iirc max was theorizing that both osito and binary were part of the federation ? and if so it does make sense that the binary entity went to fuck with cellbit immediately after cellbit was introduced to the conspiracies of the island, yknow, a warning shot. i think they want them to be focused on the eggs.
BUT THAT’S JUST A THEOr
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mariatesstruther · 5 months
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okay but what if maria used to have a strained relationship with her dad and she tells ellie about it after ellie and joel stop talking. and ellie is like????? i thought u adored your dad wtf how did u forgive him?? what happened??
and maria tells her what helped, that moving out and becoming her own person with her own space really helped open her up. and THATS how they get the idea to convert the garage into ellie’s space
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