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soldier-poet-king · 1 month

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Im...happy?? Even temporarily???

Woke up and laid in bed longer than I should have, but less than I usually do, and while filled with dread, it's LESS dread than usual

Walked to mass at new church, completely bland generic sermon & bland generic music, which is perfect, nobody knows me or is trying to rope me into things or expects things from me, I don't have to pretend I don't absolutely loathe so much of catholic parish culture, I can just, go in, go out, be a nameless face in the pew which is Safe and Uncontroversial. There was even the coolest looking older butch in the pew with me. Docs and leather jacket and all.

Stopped and read on a cafe patio with a coffee and pastry. The sun was out. Nobody was constantly texting me asking where I was. It was me and my iced coffee and silly vampire book.

Checked out the main shopping area, saw all the local grocers and bakeries and small local businesses. I'm not in a suburban box store desert anymore. I may pay slightly more at small businesses but if I want the luxury of this kind of area that's a cost I'm willing (and newly able) to pay. Plus living here means I don't have to own a car and am saving so much on that front that it still works out in my favour financially

Stopped by a little florist, tiny hole on the wall, met the nicest man and his nephew and got tons of plant advice based on my apartment layout and some recommendations for what should be unkillable given my brown thumb. Will absolutely be going back for more plants once I'm fully set up + some for my office

Like. This was unthinkable a year ago. I desperately need to keep my job. So I can keep this. I forgot how good it was to live in an area like this, not endless detached housing sprawl. I can walk everywhere. I lived in an arealike this in uni but my budget was nonexistent (grad school funding woooo). Now that I have a (very small admittedly) degree of financial flexibility??? Im allowed to sit on a patio with a 5$ coffee once a week??? I can pop into little florists and grocers and bakeries if I want?? Nobody is going to judge me for "wasting" money by not buying the absolutely dogshit quality cheapest thing possible??? Or not reporting on my location at all times? I owe no accounting of my every trip out the house?

#the duality of fran #YALL IM. i might weep a bit #anyway #i got an ivy and a zebra pothos at this guys recommendation #he was SO nice and helpful man i could've stayed in his shop all day #WHODVE THOUGHT. COMMUNITIES VS SOULLESS BIG BOX STORES #like putting my money where my mouth is viz community based living and small businesses #also i dont have to online shop constantly #i can GET THINGS NEARBY #if i never have to go to walmart again. God bless #and i can volunteer. theres a food bank nearish by! i can hop on the subway and hit up any number of places to volunteer at #i can donate my knitting! i can be good #my mother is like oh no theres a homeless person #yeah its a city and not a suburb and yhe govt is failing our residents #HENCE WE NEED TO DO SMTHN ABT IT #but i CAN now that im local. not spending 3+hrs a day commuting

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denialchains · 2 years

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Yes I do think that the try guys and anyone involved directly in that mess should not be harassed or pressured into giving up information and that they should be given time and privacy

Yes I am also scrambling for the slightest crumb of info on the drama

I am one of this badly edited Pinterest memes, sue me

#try guys #ned fulmer #duality of man is I #I am a sucker for drama but I don’t think it should come at the cost of harassment #at the end of the day they are actual people #but how am I to refuse the tea?#I feel like an old white lady #anyway HAVE YALL SEEN THE DELETED POST BY THE WATCHER KDNWKFNW #It gets funnier #and the slander on twitter? phenomenal and deserved if everything’s 100% confirmed

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trailshome · 7 months

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Also taking this chance to say that while I love how you write all the MCs, I especially love how you write child MCs. You write their interactions SOOO well and they feel like living, breathing, children, instead of this?? Caricature that some stories often reduce children to. The interactions are so well done, I went so 🥺🥺🥺🥺 during the interaction where Yorick lifts up a giggling MC and pinches their foot. Like!! Your character interactions and personalities feel so dynamic, and they're written so so well!! They genuinely make me feel so fond of them, even when I've only met them for one chapter!

Also, the contrast between the other MCs' relationships vs child MC's relationships to their family makes me SO 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔 Like?? They could've been an actual family if only they could've seen past their prejudices or jealousy or whatever it is that was driving them to treat the older MCs that way. I don't know, sometimes I wonder what the older MCs would think if they could see child!MC's life at their old home. Would it be sad? Bittersweet? Maybe they wouldn't care. But the itch of what could have been is KILLING ME and I am aggressively shaking all your characters in a jar HJSDLGHSKLGSDKL 😭

CORE MEMORY UNLOCKED?! asdasd i used to chew on foam letter bath toys when I was five. Something about the texture??? I got a genuinely good laugh out of this. Ironically awakened a memory I had forgotten -- not related to eating/chewing on things we aren't supposed to -- kids are funny. Like, they are incredibly reasonable and can ask some very poignant questions. On the other hand, they eat glue and chew on things. Lol!!

Yeah, the tragedy of the MC and their family is that it could have easily ended up differently had their cousins not been susceptible to their father's (mc's uncle) opinions. It's a shame because I think Yorick would have gotten along pretty well with most other MCs -- it just wasn't meant to be in their case. I think older Mcs would feel conflicted. On one hand; I'd like to think they'd be happy that child!mc was being treated well and properly. On the other... well, it stings a bit. Especially knowing how close they were to things being perfect (give or take Mom disappearing and Uncle being a jerk).

On the upside! non-child!mc's get a do-over of sorts! Obv it isn't perfect or completely ideal but like. MCs can end up with quite a large family if they so choose to allow/pursue it.

BUT! That's really open to yall's headcanons on how they'd feel about all that. Definitely a right mess and good for angst, haha!

PS. -- I am also aggressively shaking the characters in a jar. <3

#asks #answered #snowthornes #child!mc definitely gets better cousins compared to other mcs #on the other hand -- they lose their cousins while other mcs have nothing to lose #the duality of the cousins is fun to write. Especially the flashbacks that are coming up #not to toot my own horn but I got some real banger memories coming up haha!#I also like hearing about yall's misadventures as kids #wow hello 5:30 am! whoops! I should probably sleep before i become too incoherent

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clownboymcchucklefuck · 2 months

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I miss Friend....

#The good days of yanvn tumblr bro #Do yall remember those text formats memes and everything #It makes me realize how long I've been in this fandom #Duality hadn't even had a vn out back then and I was reading 14dwy posts on my shitty ah tablet #Like #All the yan vn characters were friends and everything #But I understand that shit happens and all but man I just miss it #It feels like everybody's went away #All that drama that started the downfall should have never happened hhhhhg #yandere vn #yandere visual novel #yandere #male yandere #visual novel #yandere male

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still-with-koo · 1 year

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…to think this all happened around the same time 🤯

#jungkook gives duality a whole new meaning #when he showed up with his lil haircut #i kept think aww so cute he looks adorable with that hair #but all along he was thinking just you wait #yall think i’m cute huh?#boy do i have a surprise for you #jungkook x calvin klein

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rexscanonwife · 5 months

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I listen to a fleetwood mac song holding back tears and then 10 minutes later I'm cry LAUGHING at a tiktok compilation of someone's friend farting in their sleep 😂😂

#jane journals #silly #the duality of man #and no this is not a vent!! im fine i prommy #sometimes fleetwood mac just HITS you know??#any of yall heard that one live version of silver spring ; w ;#oh also shrek has been on in the bg bcs the adhd is strong tonight #i gotta go bed bro #gotta get up earlies for work

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serendipitous-mage · 7 months

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the absolute SECOND this fucker got onscreen. i Knew.

#yall have fun with the asshole ig but i aint goin in that tag nosiree lmao #its funny how ive seen a lot of simps for both jax and kinger tho #the duality of tumblr sexymen #tadc #the amazing digital circus #jax #jax tadc #that smile #that damned smile #memes #anyway i need More of this #also fr this is like The Year for incredible indie shit ! omg #lackadaisy and welcome home and bigtop burger finale and just wow #i wana make so many strange wacky things like this but i aint got the motivaation to complete a still drawing most of the time #let alone animating .-.#alas #in memes my creativity shall go #homemade memes #just me

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uselessnonbinarychick · 1 year

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re: wolfwood wearing vash's glasses when he thinks vash is dead, it reminds me of the end of the '98 anime, when vash carries ww's cross with him to the Final Confrontation. they are so

oh mY FUCK YOURE RIGHT

dude those two have so many parallels its insane. like both of them have such stories of sorrow but its the way that they face them is so interesting to me.

like they are both forced to acknowledge the others views/ideology but it hurts them nonetheless. everyone would like to believe that the way they view the world is the right way, but when the world is forcing you to imagine a different perspective, it can hurt a lot. and i think thats what happened with them.

also they are just so fucking gay OH MY GOD

#i'll probably make a whole separate post going in more depth of their duality of one another #but thats a post for another day...#anyway go watch trigun :)#aka the tale of the most bisexual plant man there could ever be #if i ever meet johnny yong bosch i wanna ask him what he thinks about vashwood lol #dont worry i'll let yall know what he says #trigun #vash the stampede #nicholas d. wolfwood #vashwood

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jendoe · 1 year

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❥ ocs as tragic roles

tagged by @corvosattano, @jackiesarch, @nightbloodraelle, @marivenah, @minaharkers, @gwynbleidd, @leviiackrman, @shellibisshe, @cptcassian, @chuckhansen, @sstewyhosseini, @indorilnerevarine, AND @girlbosselrond to take this uquiz! no tags bc i am incredibly late due to the horrors (chronic fatigue)

desperate narrator

this story is a cycle, and you're spinning around it like a hamster in a ball being tormented by a cat. you know how this story ends. after all, you've told it a thousand times. but you try to change it every time. you love the people in this story more than anything. so watching them fall victim to the narrative breaks you in a way you can't begin to describe. but all you can do is tell the story── their story── with tears in your eyes. you're prone to anxiety and feelings of helplessness. you have so much love in your heart, and for once you wish it would change something. it didn't. it doesn't. it won't. but you refuse to stop telling the story. and you refuse to stop loving the people in it. in this way, no one is stronger than you. you just wish being strong hurt less.

misunderstood villain

prepare for an onslaught of both the most dehumanizing and hateful takes, and flood of thirst comments. you are chronically misunderstood. whether or not you're actually evil is debatable. you may be acting out for revenge, to defend someone you love, or even just to protect yourself. you're a pretty jaded person. you don't trust or even really like most people. maybe you did at one point. but that part of you is gone, and you don't go a single day without grieving it. you think a lot about what your life could have been. you're stuck in the past. you're angry and maybe you don't even want to be, but this is the only way you can see to survive. you're open, but less in a trusting way and more like a wound. you don't like to let people see you, but the hurt spills out of you before you can stop it. you're impulsive, even as you try hard to plan and prepare. maybe someday your side of the story will finally be heard. until then, you can convince yourself that being hated is safer anyway.

#tag games #oc: jen doe #well. she sure is in a cycle #oc: aurelie desmarais #also very fitting <333 #if these new banners suck idc <33 mwah love yall #i will do the duality one too in a sec....... maybe

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soldier-poet-king · 3 months

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I'm excited and nervous. New responsibilities. BIGGER responsibilities. A team, full of much more experienced professionals. A bigger organization. A lot of challenges. But also? Learning and growing and seeking and I won't be bored? There's 'enrichment in my enclosure'? I /enjoy/ my profession, for the most part, and so these are the kinds of puzzles I find fulfilling to work on?

I'm...happy? Tentatively hopeful? Maybe? It's February of the grayest most miserable winter anyone can remember, my family has become increasingly terrible and bro1 has gone on shitty right wing screaming rants three days in a row, last night while I was trying to SLEEP, and yet, I'm happy?

#the duality of fran #idk yall the newness will wear off and ill be miserable probably again soon #but for now?? oh???#its a strange feeling. but not unwelcome #even as i worry because this is a contract position. so in 1.5 yrs ill be looking for work again #just the experience. the joy of it #(and ngl. its a little bit of pride. a little bit of prestige. even being the most junior #and being contract. its still a Big Deal given my job title/classification/status/union)

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mechawolfie · 1 year

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I made two more dragons w the intent of coloring them however I realize that will be A Task and will take 1 bajillion years so. here are the initial sketches until then

#smudgy.png #etherlan #dragons #i made them more water-based than i intended i think its bc i was #watching videos about sea creatures previously #i love learning abt the evolution of whales do u love learning abt the evolution of whales? i do #after watching all the videos i was like Thats It. i am Going To College for Animal Knowledge #but you see it was 2 am and you know what they say about making plans at 2 am. dont #anyway. it is now three pee em and all i want to do.. is sleep !! the duality of manwomanthing. the duality of plurality #(yall i was cleaning the kitchen! & then i got my hiset book out and everything. i want to cry. curse u Midnight Motivation!!!!)#anyway i think these guys r from a different clan than the kloros. like from somewhere w more water #gives me an excuse to think abt biome placement !#i didnt want to focus on the dragons so much initially but theyre like the driving force behind most my work tbh 😭

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this-should-do · 2 years

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Before i get into everything, I want to preface this with the fact that I wrote this in one sitting starting at 9 and ending at 1:40. It is long (so very long, approx. 2.2k words) and rambling, it is largely unedited except for spelling and grammar and I refuse to read it over, and my eyes are burning. @portal2divorce , I hope this is what you wanted when you left that looking emoji on the post where i mentioned wanting to write about my thoughts on barney and his relationship with gordon and how it changes after the rescas and hl2.

Anyways barney is a bitter old man who I want to learn to be a little less bitter and heal in the end because, if I may borrow phrasing from that one captain America/bucky fic I’m sure were all vaguely familiar with, these fuckers deserve a softer epilogue.

I will also be putting this under a read more becuz i remember that those exist now and im on the web instead of mobile rn becuz i wrote this all in word cuz i knew it was gonna be so long, so i can do that

So firstly, before we can address how the rescas changes barney’s relationship with Gordon, its important to just clarify that I feel that barney and Gordon were very close, whether as friends or as romantic partners, doesn’t matter which, what’s important is that they were so very close.

And with that clarified we can get into post-rescas stuff which will be helpfully separated into pre and post hl2

Pre-hl2:

So, the first time that barney has to deal with Gordon’s death is, as I’m sure were all aware, when he sees the military dragging Gordon at the end of blue shift, so he get to start the grieving process soon after that as he’s escapes black mesa soon after that. And he gets to go through the early stages of grief for the next few weeks, at which point I think he meets up with Kleiner, (who I have come to headcanon as managing to make it to the lambda labs before Gordon got there), who informs barney of the last time he saw Gordon, which for a few seconds gives barney hope that Gordon’s still alive before being smacked in the face with the fact that Gordon hasn’t been seen since. This starts his grieving process all over again, despite Kleiner trying to comfort him with the idea that Gordon hasn’t been confirmed to be dead (I also feel that Kleiner never truly makes it past the denial stage of grieving Gordon, which later becomes a point of contention between barney and Kleiner.)

As the years go on, but before Gordon truly becomes the semi-mythological figure who’s prophesied to come back, barney ends up spending most of his time bouncing between depression and anger about Gordon disappearing. Depressed that he couldn’t help Gordon (even though it was out of his control,) that Gordon presumably sacrificed himself to save the world, and just depressed that Gordon’s gone, his best friend (and possibly partner if you are fond of that ship) is gone. But he’s also angry that the world took Gordon away, that the other scientists (and Kleiner) sent him alone to certain death and they (Kleiner) won’t even admit that’s what they did, that they were too cowardly to even try to help him in the border world.

Eventually his anger ends up mutating and turns to Gordon. He’s angry that Gordon supposedly did all these great things but couldn’t even be bothered to come home, to come back to barney. He’s angry at Gordon for letting barney think he was dead when he saw him before escaping black mesa. He’s angry that Gordon made himself such a staple in barney’s life and had the gall to just disappear and not even have the courtesy to confirm that he’s dead, even though barney knows for sure that he’s dead, because he knows Gordon would come back if he could. He’s angry at Gordon even though he knows its unfair to expect al these things from Gordon, who he knows is just a person who was expected to save the world by himself but still managed to do so. Gordon was the victim, he shouldn’t be angry at him, but he wasn’t sure who to be angry with. The world wasn’t some conscious being. He couldn’t continue to blame fate. And even though he was angry at Kleiner for having sent Gordon to do that with such unrealistic expectations, he didn’t have room to talk when he expected Gordon to be able to come back from there. All that he had was to be angry at Gordon who was at the center of it all, he was the one who had ended the world and saved it, saved everyone but himself, and then ended the world all over again by not doing so. At least to barney.

Eventually barney stops being angry, and learns to live with the depression, which can’t really go away given the worlds state, and he’s almost ready to fully accept Gordon’s death. But its by this point that Gordon’s starting to have a mythos around him and have a Jesus second coming type prophesy courtesy of the vortigaunts. And he’s angry again. Angry that the world just won’t let Gordon rest, he already died for everyone once and now they want him to come back and do it all over again. They barely even recognize that he’s a person, almost exclusively referring to Gordon as Freeman; Freeman who killed and killed and saved and killed again. Freeman who didn’t really die, he’s just off somewhere else. He certainly tried his best to humanize Gordon, he tells stories about every stupid human thing Gordon ever did. It never really works though, the stories just further the mythos add fuel to the flames. He also tried to express his disbelief that Gordons dead, and he’s not going to come back, but nobody believes him and it makes them upset. He learns to leave it be, even if it hurts to hear it all, its not his right to try to take away others hope.

After years of hearing people talk about Gordon coming back he almost hopes its true. He tried to stamp down that hope before it can hurt him when it never comes reality. It never really works but he’s also realistic that it won’t happen, but it’s a nice thought. He knows Gordon’s dead and has accepted it. He can go long periods of time without truly thinking about Gordon now, even if when he does it’s through a rose-tinted lens, he barely remembers how Gordon really was, only that he was good and kind, forgetting how standoffish and frustratingly stubborn he could be, and forgets how rough every flaw Gordon ever had could be. It was all smoothened by time and distilled into the perfect memory of a time before the combine. He’s glad Gordon’s gone and that he doesn’t have to experience the world as it is now. But he’s also still so bitter about what happened to him, its just softer now and he can’t afford constantly thinking about it while he’s working as a spy in the CP.

Post HL2:

Gordon shows up at the station and barney thinks he’s finally snapped after over a decade of being a spy for the resistance and 2 decades of combine occupation. Disregarding the canon first meeting because it feels unrealistic, barney is in a major crisis, though he’s desperately trying to hold it together to get Gordon to Kleiner’s. He is suddenly being faced with Gordon who he knew was dead because he didn’t come back, but is now back, meaning he wasn’t dead and he chose to stay away. Barney is so angry, even though he tried at first to be funny and laidback, because that’s who he is. It doesn’t end up working and he snaps at Gordon when he doesn’t respond after barney “casually” asks where he’s been and for the general lack of communication. After Gordon goes off barney is left to grapple with Gordon being alive by himself. He is certainly relieved that Gordon is back, he can’t deny that, but he is so angry that Gordon’s back. He s angry because it means that Gordon could have been back this whole time and he grieved and mourned for nothing. And that to barney, Gordon chose not to come back to him, and his pain and suffering is Gordon’s thought. He’s also mad that Gordon is here to experience the combine and is now being forced (by his own hand this time too) to kill and kill and kill and save the world again, after all these years of barney being mad that people wanted that from Gordon, he’s forcing Gordon to do the same thing the people wanted this whole time.

And throughout hl2 barney also has to face multiple instances where he thinks Gordon is dead or going to die (teleporter malfunction at Kleiner’s, weeklong absence after nova prospect, and the explosion of the citadel) as well as the constant anxiety around what Gordon’s mission is and what he’s doing. Barney is constantly facing the abyss of starting the mourning process over and over again. Its constantly starting and stopping and is constantly building potential energy the longer Gordon’s around to reacclimate to.

Also ignoring the fast-paced plot of hl2, barney also gets more time to interact with Gordon, particularly once the rebellion starts. So, he’s forced to see Gordon as he is, with preexisting flaws and un-niceties, compounded with what is now weeks of trauma. Its jarring and hard to reconcile the Gordon he remembers and the Gordon standing in front of him. He never gets the time to truly be close to Gordon at this point, in fact Gordon seems resistant to anyone being close to him. He hurt by this and feels mor bitter and angry at Gordon than he did before. HE stops trying to be familiar with Gordon and falls back to his impersonal and pseudo-familiar persona he used for the many, many people he’d met in the resistance that he expected to die so it would hurt less when they did. It wasn’t that he expected Gordon to die (except he did if he were being honest) but it’s easier to deal with still not having Gordon back even if he could touch him.

He feels closer to a memory of Gordon than he did the real Gordon and he wasn’t sure how to bridge the gap that existed and wasn’t sure that he’d ever have to time to learn. He almost doesn’t want to be close to Gordon anymore; he’d already mourned him it wasn’t fair that he’d have to start all over again and it wasn’t fair that Gordon, who didn’t look a day older than he did before the resonance cascade, didn’t even seem to want to know him and it made him angry all over again. But he does want to know Gordon again, and he knows deep down that Gordon just doesn’t have the mental space to be a person right now, he was hardly sociable before, but now… he had to be something else that couldn’t remember how to do anything but survive, and neither could barney. They were in a warzone, the most anyone could truly afford to live as people was in the dark of night when only distant gunfire could be heard, and everyone has to be okay with that. For now, barney would try his best to remember that Gordon is a person being forced to live as an icon of a better future and expected to be a martyr if need be, and that he’s not a faded memory of a better time to be used as a small piece of relief in a world of suffering. For now, barney would make do with understanding Gordon as a battle partner, someone he could trust with his life and return the favor in turn and settling for only brief looks behind the curtain when no one else can see them.

Post good ending hl3 where everyone lives and everything is as okay as it can be where a future is attainable:

It takes barney months to completely work through the bitterness and anger he still feels towards Gordon for the abandonment, but it’s easier after Gordon explains what happened. He also has to grapple with the fact that Gordon is alive at all, everyday he wakes up and forgets that Gordon is there and then is suddenly faced with reality. It’s difficult to process. Though once things calm down properly, its almost easy to fall back into familiar rhythms from black mesa, thought of course new one had to be made and some old ones adjusted to accommodate for both their sakes. But barney struggles to truly bare himself to Gordon (who struggles to do the same.) they could function in a pseudo familiarity but truly getting close is difficult. It’s hard for barney to truly be vulnerable again, always fearing Gordon will somehow be ripped away again, and scared that showing that he cares for someone puts them in danger from the long gone combine. It takes at a year at the bare minimum to properly and fully reach a equivalent level of emotional closeness to black mesa, frankly they eventually reach a state closer than before, built on shared life threatening experiences during the weeks of warfare and the gentle understanding of the resulting trauma, reflecting on their shared life before, and looking forward to a future.

#anyways hope this is intelligible in anyway at all #im sure some of it communicated badly or that ill change my mind about how it works at sum point down the line but #who cares im developing characters and writing it down makes it more real and it is so much more fun that way than just letting it sit in #my brain festering until it is swept away and im left with nothing and no solid interpretation of the characters i so adore #iwillspeakincessantly #im sure ill end up tightening the chracterization too down the line #sometimes he feels a lil inconsistant when i was trying to add dualities of thoughts but this aint susmmin spose tobe proper #its brain dump and if yallre gonna read this mess ur gonna get what u get lol #i should go to bed this took so much brain capital to formulate #also almsot done witht he coward guard comic only like 2 pages and a few stray panels to color #goodnight yall im tired as fuck lmaoooo #ponderingradioactivedecay

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