#WHICH IS SOOOO STUPID I KNOW I KNOW

[muzzlemouths]

Psst. Just wanted to let you know that you're cool and I hope you have a really nice day today! You seem to be Goin Through It™ and I just wanted to let you know that we (your followers) like you no matter the quantity of stuff you're able to make at any given time (though we most certainly do like what you make, but that's not why most of us stay, I believe); you're very funny and have insightful opinions about writing, and you're always super nice when I stop by to say hi! Please remember to be kind to your mind and heart this upcoming Spring. I hope The Delights come into your life in leaps and bounds, and that you'll receive good news soon!!! <33

ooh...ohh.h.....th.ank you for the kind words........

#ohhhh i fought long and hard to not just. keep this in my inbox so i could stare at it for days #when i first read this my initial reaction was ''oh god is it that obvious'' #''am i like crashing and burning in real time on this blog. live on tv'' #which..FAIR YEAH LMAO #to be 100% transparent here i actually haven't been on this blog all day BECAUSE i was having a day where I was just like. #ahaha my shit Sucks and everybody's just humoring me #comparison kills and i have been stabbing myself like its the ides of march lately #and the fact that i haven't put anything new out is half because of that i'm sure #like the mindset of ''if i post nothing at all then i can't compare it to [insert other authors here]'' #WHICH IS SOOOO STUPID I KNOW I KNOW #self sabotage is my middle name its a bad habit i'm fighting daily but it's HARD #this has just turned into a Whining Session oh no #there's a reason i moved all of this to tags lmao #ANYWAY ANYWAY. GENUINELY I WANT TO SAY THANK YOU #from the bottom of my heart asks like these keep me from going over the deep end #it amazes me each and every day that so many of you choose not only to follow me but to STAY despite my general shenanigans and thinly veil #like i'll have days (like today) where i'm on the floor kicking and screaming over NOTHING and y'all just sit back and wait for me to get m #and it makes me so genuinely soft. the patience and kindness you show me #i will try my HARDEST to be kind to my mind and heart i promise. I promise. #if not for myself than for everyone out there continuously showing their support for me despite The Horrors #and I hope you're right i hope The Delights are somewhere in view soon enough #lord knows we could all use 'em #thank you again #❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️ #edit: oh tumblr cut off like half of these paragraphs #thats probably for the best. you can just guess what i said LMAO

[transsextual]

had a really incredible moment this evening. went to my campus art market where one of my friends was selling the tank top i'm wearing - another friend bought it for me and i'm so overjoyed to have it. usually a fit that leans more Traditionally Masculine feels like a costume but tonight it just felt deeply correct and honest and warm. took the opportunity to take some indulgent little pictures because i do not think i have Ever looked more like myself. so happy.

#im like. slowly gently exploring butchness & ... what it means to me & ... trying to release the idea that it requires Masculinity.... #ive always felt pretty disconnected from masculinity as a whole but i'm starting to find points of entry that resonate really deeply #& along with that is like... esp when it comes 2 kink & leather & butchness - which r not intrinsically related but to me they r connected #theres this idea that like. i'm taking myself too seriously. and that nobody's gonna take me seriously. and that i'm too little too young #that im like #obviously inexperienced and a joke and failing and looking stupid . #but ... realized recently that . that's really just the trauma talking #and that i can just like. try shit out. and notice how it feels + what comes up #and then try it again if i so wish #and nothing i try has to be permanent or defining ... and that like . my desires and comforts and joys and needs Should Be Taken Seriously #soooo much of my like. impostor syndrome . has to do with worrying that im not doing it right when compared to other men #but like.... most of the kinky men / leathermen i see are 35+ and cis . #of course im not doing it like them . #so . looking to the queers i know. especially my fellow transmascs as well as lesbians . for like. reassurance and inspiration #has been very healing . & good for my heart & my soul. #:) #yeah . #i think i gotta go read butch is a noun. ... yeah #goodnight :) #speak #materialization #ok2rb

[biracy]

Seren sketches I forced myself to keep super loose and not go overboard with feat. return of the round sunglasses, oh how I've missed you

#ignore that i forgot to texture in her sideburns in both of these i'm honestly happy i remembered her chest tattoo #art is fun because you can almost definitely tell what i've been reading and watching based upon these two images #open mick night #my art #art #serendipity johnson #goth #character design #goth art #i worry soooo much abt drawing her 'off model' which i know is stupid when she's mine but yknow #i just need to convince myself that she can wear different outfits and make different facial expressions it's fine. it's still her #i'm glad i could finally put out a drawing with the round sunglasses i'm happy with tho they deserve the world

[poems-of-a-lover]

god i need straight ppl to be fuckin normal abt gay intimacy like right now

#for doa just in case bc ik hes uncomfy with it ill tag it #heartstopper #heartstopper ment #OKAY ONTO MY RANT #a new heartstopper webcomic update dropped the other day and im SOOOO #it was good!!! like it was sweet i have no problem with the actual material #its just how ppl perceived it that makes me wanna explode #its intimate near the end and everyones like 'OH NO LOOK AT THEM THATS CRAZY CALM IT DOWN' #THEYRE FUCKING TEENAGERS U NUMBSKULL #I THINK TWO TEENAGERS KISSING IS THE LEAST OF UR FUCKIN WORRIES #it makes me so mad. bc no one freaks out this much over straight ppl being intimate. #yes heartstopper is the more 'innocent and cheesy' gay media which makes it easier for straight ppl to digest #which also just means that they'll flip tf out as soon as anything other than fluff is brought up #theyre teenagers in love of course theyre gonna be fuckin curious man its so stupid #u fuckers freak the hell out when they make out but then turn around and watch whatever trendy straight romcom is popular and its even wors #i am livid. please stop thinking that gay ppl can either be completely repulsed or completely obsessed with sex. #its fucking natural #god i hope this makes sense pls give me ur thoughts on this i wanna know what other ppl think abt this too

[deus-ex-mona]

happy fedoraless friday, my fellas

#in other news my manager thinks im dumber than i actually am </3 sadded #she thought that i was stupid enough to use a corrosive acid without wearing gloves. lmao. #and she complained to my coworkers about it instead of addressing her concerns with me directly. double lmao. #uhmmmmmm excuse meeee ma’am i was just there to guide the new guy through the cleaning process of the equipment (which uses that acid)???? #i didn’t touch the acid at all m a n. i’m stupid but i’m not *that* stupid yk~~~~~? #i know i joke about drinking said acid a ton bc the sediments look like brown sugar but. #like. even if i did chug the acid i’d at least wait for you to leave the workplace first ma’am— #at least gimme a chance to clear my name of these false accusations s o b s this isn’t fair </3 #but in other news. the gloves she wants me to wear soooo badly suck anyway. they give way under toluene lmaooooooooo #i can’t wait for tomorrow’s work shift to end. i neeeeeed my weekend dammit

[diaboundkernelz]

idk complimentary colour

#puzzleshipping #yugioh #blindshipping #i tried playing yugioh forbidden memories on ps2 and it was hell #all i got from it was the duel board which was soooo clunky but it lives in my brain #the stupid duel board in a black void room so gender #IT WAS A SHAME THEY DIDNT GIVE ATEM ANY SPRITE ART AT ALL #also dm me if you have sprite art and you wanna spread it i want it so bad yall dont even KNOW #specifically forbidden memory sprite art because wow it looks really good BUT I ALSO WANT IT TO BE EXTRA LIKE THE BLINKS #anyway hahaha puzzle ships

[teenyweenyeenymeeny]

You got this!!! I believe in you!!!! You’re gonna do your best on your exam!! Remember to treat yourself after somehow because you’d’ve earned it!!!!

thank you thank you wouh… good luck to me good luck to me 💪🏻

#WE WILL SEE ABOUT A TREAT I DONT KNOW WHETHER TO GET ONE… #because I feel like I should wait until that stupid essay is done 🙄 which is At Most two days away. soooo #hmmm I don’t know. give me Treat Ideas… hehe #ask #anon

[wyllsravengard]

john in rdr1 is so special to me i feel crazuyzuzyszy

#z.gen #rdr1 john is just . so . #like hes like the best of himself embodied and hes so unbelievably duty bound to abi #he loves her so much. and he goes against everything for her and jack. the progression of stupid deadbeat #to worlds most loving and dedicated husband makes me sick #and it makes me feel so unwell that john in rdr1 isnt like arthur. #arthur is a good man. to me it makes sense that he is canonically intended to be moral and upright #mary linton even says so #but i dont think thats true for john. i dont think john is 'moral' as much as he is dutiful #nothing is his concern other than his wife and son and i loveeee that about him so much #i know a lot of people find this to be a fault and surely if you like more heroic characters arthur is much closer to it #but john is so. he is so. #theres something about the way he does anything to protect them that makes me weak #its not self serving like dutch nor is it moral like arthur #everything is for them. everything. every single thing. #he embodies in such a way that it makes me unwell. hes so morally gray but for them? he'd do anything and he does #i just . love how john is bound by duty and not morality #hes not particularly remorseful or good or upright #but he is painfully dutifully. to me because i think thats what he took from the sort of life arthur lead #even though i think arthurs goodness was truer. i think john realized that he isnt arthur #but he became the sort of man he could be and became someone who always paid his debts #and did whatever it took protect what he believes is family. whats important to him #when i think about how deeply his love is tied with loyalty and duty i just get sooo insane. like you dont even get it #and rdr1 john is soooo protective and kind to women and sooo hateful to men which helps #i think rdr2 john is so hateable but rdr1 john is like the most perfect man to ever exist and appeals to me #on a personal level more than arthur. like i just cant stop thinking about him #hes so like. attractive hngfmgkjdf #i can hardly play the game its sooo distracting to listen to him

[trashbaget]

tell me your failed/embarrassing flirting stories to make me feel better, i’ll go first: today i said “get out of my way” forgot to say “i’m kidding” then immediately said “bye”

#it is awful having feelings for someone you know and have an established friendship with #but crushing on someone i barely know is knew to me and i legit feel like an idiot every time i do something stupid like this #i can’t just. talk to the guy #if i say hey and he says sup i say ‘sup indeed’ like what the fuck is that #i can barely even say hello to him #don’t get me wrong i’ve DONE it but most days i’m like #ah fuck there he is #okay you can do it just say hi #just say what’s up #and then he’s already gone #also. like. the setting we’re in is soooo not good for talking or flirting realt because um. it’s work he’s my coworker.. so um. do i fuckin #ask him for his number?? or to hang out??? but like. he’s kind of a stranger to me what do i want to hang out for 🧍 #but like. ​i dont want to do that until i have at least one successful interaction #or like. an actual conversation. #which is gonna be really hard to manage because he doesn’t talk much at all to anyone and i really only talk if someone talks to me first or #i’ll say something absolutely idiotic and ridiculous (and honestly i do that no matter what) #anyway so um. i guess i’m just gonna keep making a fool of myself until i get it right and hopefully i don’t screw it up 🥴 #i lost all my confidence in the last year and i cant do anything chill or smooth anymore (i was never that good in the first place but at #least i could PRETEND i knew what i was doing. like i could sell it. the whole weird and lost bit.) #anyway. i felt better for like 5 minutes when some guy at the gas station flirt failed with me on the way home. but that’s partly my fault #too oops. in his defense he probably could not see that i had headphones on bc upon mirror inspection they were well blended with my hair #but i was waiting to cross the street and this guy tried to like nod and smile and i did not know it was to me until i got to the other side #where the gas station was and and like. tried again and i awkward half smiled and saw his face get all mushy and confused like mine FELT 20 #mins before when i’d flopped so hard trying to flirt and by the time i’d processed WAIT i think he was FLIRTING WITH ME i was already gone 🤡 #but at least it ended better than the poor 14yo who very confidently asked for my number #who. i shit you not. SCREECHED for a solid 44.5 seconds and bolted the other direction when i said sorry im 21 #his friends were standing there like wtf too and one was like i am so sorry about him 🤦 #cheers to being fools universe

[bigcats-birds-and-books]

ADHD Brain Moods™ (Derogatory Edition)

well, i got uuuuh four (4) sentences written of my ~Revisions~ today (i’m straight up not having a good time over here), but i DID jot down some classifications of the ADHD Brain Moods™ (Derogatory Edition), so have those instead internet:

>> “My brain is full of static” -- There’s nothing going on in there but ineffective Noise and it’s hell; I’m halfway to dissociated and everything is stupid and I Don’t Want To Be Here.

>> “My brain is full of spiders” -- Altogether too many legs; jerky, predatory, and agitated; itchy but can’t find the right spot to scratch for relief, Generally Irritated and Irritable

>> “My brain is full of crickets” -- Superficially seems quieter and level in there, but out of the blue we’ll SPRING to something totally unrelated and unexpected and we won’t get our scheduled shit done (or: Impulsive As Fuck)

#text #personal #whine whine whine #adhd #brain moods #anyway writing did Not Go Well but at least i have this stupid list that i can keep adding to when my brain is being Uncooperative #(and yes i know it's impending period time and i KNOW that makes it much worse but like. can we quit. i have shit to do and 48 weekend hour #and that's it. just. 48 hours. which is bullshit) #today started as crickets and then we slid into static for a while and now we're at spiders #but the order i recognized the Brain Moods is the one presented above #soooo i guess i'm gonna go knit to get a dopamine hit from finishing a square maybe #or just. read. also an option #i SHOULD do laundry. i absolutely don't want to do laundry. #in btw #driscoll #revising #writing

[teethgnashing]

i need to stop talking abt body image issues with people who don’t have a double chin

#it always just fills me with anger and jealousy and then with guilt and even more self hatred #about to say some truly selfish hateful shit i am aware is wrong and cruel which is why i’m saying it here —> #like oh my godddd im soooo sorry your family told you you needed to be a bit skinnier #you are extremely conventionally attractive and skinny with pretty hair and good clothes #people like you at a glance. people give you the fucking time of day #you have dated multiple people. multiple people have wanted to DATE you #i’m always the fucking outsider in these conversations because they’re always so… personal? #in that like. “oh i know im okay looking but my brain won’t let me think it” #like damn that sucks. i’m actually ugly and nobody will let me fucking forget it #but do tell me more about your pretty partner you love who fell in love with you instantly #i’ll be over here walking behind you realizing i’m twice your width #and wondering if there’s a way to put out a lifetime’s worth of artwork and creation so that i can get this stupid hopeless life over with #i will die unloved. i don’t even fucking care anymore #i just want to make some decent art people might like and be done with it all #chatter #sorry i need to get this off my chest Now so i can push my mood back up and not be snapping at people. im so good im so fine #i hate myself but thats a me issue. time to go have fun

[tylerhourman]

confession: in senior year of high school i wrote an essay comparing heroes in crisis (it was fairly new then iirc) and identity crisis and i was and am very proud of it. however. im not proud of how i super hadnt read heroes in crisis in full at the point i did write it. i read it after i turned it in. not sure what was going on in my mind to choose to do that.

#i was like. reading the specific parts i was referencing so i could properly write about it but it was a very stupid thing to do #i also think i may have accidentally stolen a phrase from a friend about identity crisis. mortifying #i want to rewrite this sometimes. now that im more removed from it and have actually fully read it lol #i explained the term fridging to my very old english teacher for this. he thought it was cool i was using jargon the intended audience #of the paper would know which made me feel soooo special and smart lmaoo

[infizero]

also his drawings. make me insane. im pretty sure ive made a post about this before a while ago but i just love looking at his silly little drawings it adds so much to his character. even after everything he's been through he's still got some humor and lightheartedness in him. and he's really good at drawing too!! so it's likely something he's been doing since he was a kid

#will always believe in closeted art kid michael who became a bully so he wouldnt get bullied himself <- REAL TO ME! #anyways all his drawings are fun but i still cant get over the little hearts he scribbled in the margins of that one page #theyre just so simple and....... human. i dont know ToT #this guy is literally an undead purple zombie and he's doodling little hearts in a book #it just reminds you that michael IS a Real Guy. like canon fnaf kind of sucks ass when it comes to actually attaching any people or real #human emotion to the events of the games (very much focuses more on What Happened over actual character stuff) #(which is fine but not what i rlly look for in media usually lol.... which is why i love stuff like og fnaf vhs #which is much more character-driven) #but anyways. i think his comments and drawings in the logbook work wonders in making michael feel more real #and less like just unseen protagonist who we know about vaguely #thats why i cling so hard onto little things like his habit of chewing gum. or just him liking to draw in general #usually i dont like when fandoms make One Trait of a character super prominent/their whole personality #but with michael we know SO UNFATHOMABLY LITTLE about his character/personality that these little scraps of info are rlly all we have #in terms of his character beyond The Things That Happened To/Around Him #OH also. his love of that stupid fucking vampire show is SOOOO near and dear to my heart #another thing that makes him so painfully human. yes he is serious protagonist guy who goes thru the most unimaginable shit ever #but at the end of the day. he like many of us enjoys a stupid cartoon that he probably takes way too seriously for what it actually is #his comment about it in the logbook still makes me laugh THIS MF IS PROJECTING ONTO A FICTIONAL CHARACTER IN HIS LITTLE SHOW #HE JUST LIKE ME FR #ANYWAYS holy fucking shit i did NOT mean to go on this long of a rant #i just fucking love michael afton so much im sorry #serena.txt

[chryzure]

genuinely pisses me off when there’s a canonical lesbian couple in something (or two girls w homoerotic tension..) & ppl will Still draw the men genderbent to have lesbians in something. yes this is abt lesbian klaine when brittana is literally canonical and they got married and weren’t a horrible couple. sorry to gleepost here but shut the fuck up abt lesbian klaine.

#yesss they were a canon gay couple that’s cool!!! why do you hate women #want to know who else was a canon gay couple! that was two girls!!! BRITTANY AND SANTANA #‘i drew them as girls because i love lesbians 🥰’ what abt. the actual. canonical. real. RIGHT THERE LESBIANS #i hate you klaine shippers that draw them as girls and ignore brittana #i also hate klaine as a couple period. the only reason they were together is because they were both gay men #which is crazy. #they had no chemistry. they felt like the two out gay ppl in their show choir and they bonded as friends #so it’s always distressing when i see them kiss. like WHAT the fuck. where’s the chemistry…. #now brittana…….. they have sooooo much chemistry they love each other soooo much and you can tell #sorry everyone. glee sucks it’s jst also kinda funny & they did brittana pretty alright for ryan murphy hating lesbians 👍🏻 #it’s so crazy. he did NOT want brittana and it shows. good for naya & heather pushing for it!! #alright i’m done. i jst saw stupid fucking lesbian klaine art and it makes me mad that they ignore the actual lesbians #same w ph & ppl drawing the male characters as lesbians when it’s like. well im p sure alice & lottie & lacie & sharon are sapphic #in my HEART. #and then it’s like. WHY ARENT YOU DRAWING THE ACTUAL WOMEN AS SAPPHIC. ARE YOU SO BLIND TO THEM THAT YOU CAN ONLY GET ‘REP’ FROM THE MEN #memorie.txt

[pepprs]

update i have to apply for my own job for the SECOND time in two years by wednesday and im taking my learners permit test on friday which means i have to finish absorbing the drivers manual by then. the way i am LONGING to walk into traffic.

#the driving thing is just extra stress but the applying for my own job AGAIN thing is making me absofuckingLUTELY insane. this process was #so psychically damaging for me to go through a year ago and the fact that exactly a year later i am doing it again and have to jump thru all #the same hoops and write a new cover letter and find new references and INTERVIEW with my colleagues and all that… like i appreciate this so #much bc basically what is happening is im getting a raise and will be converted to a regular employee (im contractual rn bc that’s all they #could do when i graduated). but like the fact that i am once again under the MORTIFYING psychic stress of my colleagues being the search #committee and me being u able to talk to them abt this or get reassurance and them having to treat me like they don’t know me and this not #being guaranteed and other people potentially applying and me having to compete with them… it is too much fucking stress for me to go #through. it’s just too fucking much. i am so mentally and emotionally exhausted and now i have to walk through fire AGAIN⁉️⁉️⁉️ i wanna KMS #like it’s fine. but also the existential dreaddddd the way i cannot bear to live through this one more time but i have to and im going to. 😍 #purrs #delete later #like i get it and i know it’s to make it fair and equitable. but whyyyyy do they have to put me through this again have i not proven myself #time and time again is this job not QUITE LITERALLY designed for me to be in it. and it’s not merely an annoyance it’s like… actively a #stressor that is taking years off my life just like it did last year and the timeline is even more accelerated bc last year i had two weeks #to apply and this time i have FIVE DAYS!!!!! and i have to reach out to references and i can’t do that until monday bc it’s the weekend 😭😭😭😭 #like LMFOAHDHSKDHSODHAJJB of course this is happening to meeeeee im going fucking insane. also i might have to do this a THIRD time someday #and i would have to get a masters degree for that too. so basically the only path forward is CEASELESS suffering and psychic agony. there is #no hope for women. fuck my stupid baka life. but also this is a good thing and also i have it sooooo good which is soooo unfair to everyone #else for example possibly wasting everyone else’s time who applies for this job. but also fuck my stupid baka life. #technically im applying for this job for the second time in 365 days. like it’s not even two years it’s that i did this a year ago and now a #year later im doing it again. LESS than a year later. it hasn’t even been a full year yet. help 😻👍 #if february 9 2022 me fucking knew what HORRORS awaited her 24 hours from then and 3 months from then and 5 months from then and 15 months f #from then. she would have imploded LMFAOOOOOOOO

[moe-broey]

Thank you transwomen (in general but also) for the term "boymode" bc using that terminology for myself as a transguy (so, "girlmode") has been the only way I've been able to aptly and succinctly describe whatever the hell was going on *vaguely gestering to my adolescence from ages 15 to 19* there.

#hope i'm not overstepping or saying some dumb shit LMFAO #but like. speaking v generally. esp in the beginning of unpacking 'oh fuck i. i don't think i'm a girl.' #i found i related a lot more to transfemme experiences of living one way for so long all your life playing A Role #and in some cases leaning heavily into masculinity to 'prove' you couldn't possibly be a woman #than like. so many transmasc experiences i'd see online of like 'oh i always knew.' #and the staples of the experience being like. tomboyish. baggy hoodies. ect. #and like i'm not saying any of that in a derogatory or dismissive way. it's just so much of what i saw as a teen #'researching' being trans so i can be a better 'ally' to my friends and classmates LMFAOO #also this is why the narrative of transmen being 'lost girls' and 'just tomboys' is SOOOO stupid it's funny to me like. #there was a very short stint in middle school where i was more 'tomboyish' in appearance #very quickly it was corrected out of me by the influence of loved ones and myself. that wasn't Really Me #let me tell you. the combination of people pleaser/autistic masking is INSANE esppp when you're in an Evil Setting for it LMFAO #<- evil setting being my specific brand of christianity i was brought up w #but case and point i don't think i was ever actually a tomboy. i was HIGHLY feminine actually. #and i found a lot of delights in feminity too! esppp a love of fashion and cute aesthetics #so like. describing my experience w gender/presentation has always been really difficult language-wise #saying 'when i was a girl' doesn't feel right cause i never was one. just played A Role. i didn't always know though. #i didn't even realize i WAS playing a role. also there were things i genuinely loved and enjoyed associated w feminity. #and saying 'post transition' is weird to me too bc. i'm not? there yet? i'm not done yet. #and any which way of trying to describe 'when i came out' is clunky bc i was always outed/forced out #like. multiple times. even before i had the time to explore it/make sense of it myself. #def rambling but. girlmode and autistic masking are synonyms to me now. it captures everything. #i swear to god the parallels between autism/being trans drive me INSANE to me they are always informing one another. #like i feel like i could write an entire fucking essay about it. if i was an academic i would fucking KILL it