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popculturebuffet · 4 years

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Nightmare Time Episode 1 Review: The Hatchetfield Ape-Man/Watcher World

I take a look at the first episode of Starkid’s new show Nightmare Time! Starkid, returns for a zoomcast, bringing back the casts of both Hatchefield plays for an anthology series of science fiction double feature picture shows! This week’s tales of terror:

The Hatchefield Ape-Man: A british heiress gets romanced by a shaved bigfoot with the help of everyone’s favorite kooky college professor. Forgotten fiances, murder and described nudity naturally insue.

Watcher World: Bill and Alice return as Bill drags his daughter to a kitschy theme park for a day of family fun, which Alice enjoys and is as respectful about as much as you’d expect. As you’d also expect given Bill’s general luck, things take a turn for the Shining real quick. Spoilers and full review under the cut.

Well this was a nice suprise. With the ongoing pandemic I genuinely did not think Starkid would be back anytime soon. Having just gotten back into them this years after several years of forgetting they existed via the Hatchetfield plays, I was pretty bummed, if understanding. So last week’s announcment of not only this series but a full scripted series from their sister production company the tin bros was a HUGE shot of happy I needed in this troubling times. Still need to watch spies are forver love the soundtrack nto important.

Point is the Lang Brothers and their merry band of actors found a way to continue on via format I didn’t realize existed outside of table reads but is a nice way to do things: The Zoomcast, basically a podcast done live on zoom, with the actors in plainclothes for the most part, with one person, in this case Nick Lang, reading out descriptions of what’s going on. Being a starkid production this also has musical director Matt Bohm playing accompaniment and pretaped if still via the actor’s own camera musical numbers. Overall while i’ts an understandably cheap production, only what costumes the actors have on hand and most props mimed, it WORKS, allowing for way more elaborate set pieces than the stage would allow and is anchored by Lang’s impeccable descriptions and the cast’s amazing as always acting really making the stories pop. So things worked on a technical level despite having the barest of bones to work with. But did it work on a story level? Well yes, but if I ended my reviews with just that i’d have less than the 3 or 4 fans I do have, so without further ado, it’s nightmare time! The Intro:

Now normally in my reviews I don’t talk about the intro because I come in mid way or because I just didn’t think to. This is an exception since

A) I should be doing that anyway or at least when I cover a show’s first episode since intro’s are sometimes one of the most memorable parts of a show

B) It’s a full musical number that’s been stuck in my head since the trailer for this series and has now set up an apartment there. C) This series is a musical, if not to the same degree as the two plays before it, so it’d be weird NOT to talk about it’s signature song.

So with that out of the way the intro.. is fucking impressive. Seriously taking disparate videos with probably as much as the directions “Sing this part of the song and be kind of creepy or alluring or whatever” and making it really flow? Good work, both to the starkids for bringing their a game to it as always and to Nick and Matt really did a good job editing this together, musically and visually to be an abolute jawdrop. And somehow finding utterly stunning stock image animations that none of us realized were stock footage but still fit the tone perfectly. Just great stuff. Some stray notes: Mariah is absolutely stunning in both voice and apperance in this, John Matheson’s bit as paul was great, and Jeff Blim of course got a great bit with his always astounding hair blowing in the breeze with him at full high pitch. Just an utterly great intro, and for Starkid’s first series in over a decade, and really ever but semantics, they really brought it. Good stuff. Onto the actual episode content.

The Hatchetfield Ape-Man: Lucy, a british heiress played by Angela Giarratana, was saved by the legendary “Hatchefield Ape-Man”.. who apparently has a hyphen like spider-men because while sasquatches can do that. Point is she’s come back every year in the hopes of reuniting with her savior but has so far failed. But as Lucy prepares to leave from this year’s failed expedition, an old friend finally gives her what she needs... old friend to us to her she’s just some grey haired lunatic who showed up out of the mist. Which while accurate, dosen’t quite quantify everyone’s favorite playwright/college professor/murderous psychopath/composer.

Yes at long last Professor Hidgens has returned! I honestly didn’t expect the anthology to bring in such a huge fan faviorite so soon. I mean I expected returning characters, mostly because the project allows old faviorites to come back for their own stories or for the stars of the musicals to get a chance at a much happier ending... there’s a lot of potetial there. That and let’s face it “Jane’s a Car” is a pretty dead giveaway it’s going to be about Tom’s dead wife and Tim’s dead mother coming back in horrible mash up of christine and my mother the car. Maybe. I could be wrong. I also doubt many of you know what my mother the car is and to that I say it’s an old sitcom i’m honestly suprised I know exists and know nothing about other than the title and it being about a son’s mom’s ghost possesing his car apparently. Well that and it was the basis for this.

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Point is, while I expected some returns, I wasn’t expecting one this large and this bombastic so soon, but BOY was it welcome. So getting back on track after all that, HIdgens seemingly takes Lucy to meet her ape man, who goes by the name Klonk, played by everyone’s faviorite sexy caveman Joey Richter. Also it’s adorable he and Lauren share a streaming screen. I know practicality and all that but their engagment is genuinely a sweet thing to hear about at a time when the world’s going down the toilet fast. Fun Fact: I pegged the Ape-Man was either going to be Jeff or Joey, leaning towards Jeff, though given my love of Joey I wasn’t disapointed with him, especially with the twist... but I was EXASTIC to learn the answer was basically “Both.. kinda?”. But yeah Lucy soon bonds with the ape man, with HIdgens encouraging her since it’s more than he’s gotten out of Klonk in 11 months of looking after the guy, and this way they can get him to learn enough to decide what he wants for himself.

So a few months, and some romantic bonding between woman and ape-man, pass but a wrench is thrown into Klonk’s wooing and attempt to tell lucy he loves her: Jonathan, Lucy’s just now mentioned fiance and royal dickhead played by Kurt Mega. And credit where it’s do whlie he clearly didn’t have to dress up, he did have a nice 50′s monster movie british person suit he put on. Lucy is now conlficted and what not even though Jonathan is kind of an asshole who just wants to drag her back home. And i’ts not like Lucy didn’t keep in touch: she sent him texts and probably called, so i’ts not like he didn’t know she was here. He’s also a hunter for extra dick points as if he needed them. Naturally when meeting his romantic rival he’s a dick.. but raises some valid questions: While Hidgens claim he shaved Konk due to lesions, there’s no mark of lesisons or the shaving. But his natural dickheadedness shines through and Jonathan talks about shooting Klonk before lucy takes his ring off and throws it and Jonathan goes after her. Annnnd yeah turns out the disposable dickhead fiance for once is RIGHT. In a twist I did not remotley see coming but damn if it wasn’t clever, Klonk.. is Ted from TGWDLM and the plan was to seduce lucy with this con, marry her and then bump her off. It’s a hell of a twist and cleverly hidden since Joey’s such a starkid mainstay, it’s not a huge suprise he was Klonk and thus easily hid the fact he was also Ted. It’s clever stuff and pivots the story nicely.

Ted is naturally a douchey as ever, going along with Hidgen’s plan to have him marry lucy then kill her and take her dough for themselves.. and unsuprisingly, so Hidgens can get Workin Boys off the ground. Granted there are easier ways to do this with the same scooby doo scheme: Just have HIdgens plan working boys casually, have Klonk really love it and being the sweetheart she is LUcy would fiance the thing just to make them both happy. I mean he can still marry her and ted can still have direct acess to her money if they want, it’s just an easier way that dosen’t shine supscion on the caveman who looks exactly like a local douchebag who everyone he’s met would testify against him. I mean would Paul and Bill REALLY be that suprised that Ted did this?

Exactly. Then again neither of our “heroes’ Here is very bright, and this scheme only works because Lucy is clearly very sweet, very naive, and very much wants a romantic evening with an ape man after all this time and effort searching, so she wants to believe him. So the fact the best they could come up with is something out of Scooby Doo is unsuprisng but still great. However things take a turn for the

Pretty quick as Hidgens takes disposable british douche fiance hunting.. then kills the guy after freely admiting he’s a fraud in what’s an INCREDIBLY chilling scene. Seriously it’s amazing how Robert takes a character as loveably redicilous, even his evil and murderous plan during TGWDLM was still hilariously rediclous, and makes him UTTERLY TERRIFYING. Even when dropping my fair lady refrences. Amazing stuff. So the next day, after Konk “asks” what an engagment is and what not, we then get Lucy wondering just WHERE jonathan is and we get the second biggest laugh of the night as Hidgens gives us the iconic line of “Oh he left... said something about you being crazy and going back to london and basically to go fuck yourself. “. Naturally Lucy has followup questions and goes to find out while Ted, also naturally, isn’t exactly pleased when he finds out his partner in crime did a murder on someone.

Ted may be a sleazy dickhead.. but even he sees maybe murdering a rich british person who just came here, went basically ONLY to this one location, and whose probably got many people who will misss him, one of whom is their primary target, is kinda dumb. Then again this is a plan that hinges on someone who could easily be identified, as he has or at least probably had an office job and three coworkers who know him, assuming a false identity to marry someone for their money. But again we’re dealing with a guy who thinks working boys is marketable to anyone who isn’t a starkid, and a moron who soon says he does his best thinking while erect. They only got this far because their target REALLY wants to fuck a sasquatch, is sweet but naive and well Ted IS still joey richter, and no longer has the porn stache so there you go. Ted decides to cut Hidgens out of things.. partly because you know, he killed a person, and partly because instead of killing Lucy, Ted realized he honeslty has a LOT to gain by simply marrying her and staying married. He gains a hot rich wife (his word’s not mine, but angie is genuinely beautiful so fair point), a mansion, and while Hidgens points out the obvious, he has to stay Konk.. that’s actually appealing to Ted as he feels better as Konk, not just because he impresses an attractive woman for doing basic stuff, but because he feels better as Konk. This is.. an intresting turn for Ted i genuinely like. It shows that Ted may, as much as he presents with bluster and ego, actually LIKE the kind of shithead he knows he is. I mean looking at his life he has two workmates who calling them friends is a bit of a stretch, and one who he’s having an affair with but seems detemrined to make her doomed marriage to an even bigger asshole work. He really dosen’t have much as ted so it’s easy to see why being Konk is better: He’s a better person as him who actually has someone who cares about him. Naturally Hidgens takes this as well as you’d expect and when Ted/Konk tries proposing he goes with the logical option for taking the fourtune for himself:

Yes really. Hidgens strips naked, and swings his arms around like an orangutan to try and convince Lucy he’s the real hatchetfield apeman. Sadly this dosen’t mean we get a shirtless robert manion as he needs to keep the turtleneck on for later, but the mental image.. I had to pause the video for a good minute to laugh over it. Just everything about it from it somehow being a dumber plan than his scheme this episode, to the orangutan swaying to just.. everything. It’s fucking genius. But Higdens has more than a mighty penis to compete with Ted.. he reveals ted’s phone and Ted ends up revealing himsef by telling Hidgens to go fuck himself. Naturally Lucy is distraught and tries to leave and the professor pulls out his shotgun to threaten her into financing his musical because of course it’s about workin boys. Lucy tries to run, Hidgens tries to shoot.. and ted , doing the first good thing in his entire life, takes the bullet. Lucy gets ted out of there then locks the door behind them, and we get the SCARIEST bit in this segment as Hidgens leans into the camera, simulating the peep hole of the vault door to the ape man inclosure and begs her to let him out. It’s some real Jack Nicholson in the Shining stuff and it’s utterly terrifying, but it’s also an amazing bit of acting. Nice job Rob. So ted bleeds out, as much as Lucy wants to save him he knows he’s not going to make it and prefers to die as Konk, finally happy with himself. And I just realized everyone at Paul’s job is horribly miserable. I mean good god, Paul himself has serious depression issues judging by “Let it Out”, Ted clearly hates himself, Charlotte is in a horrible marriage and Bill just got out of one and has a strained realtionship with his daughter we’ll get into more in a bit. I mean honestly, Mr. Davidson is the only one of them who really dosen’t need therapy.. he just needs to tell his wife he wants her to choke him while he jerks off. For as ungodly hilarious as that line is he’s probably the most well adjusted person there. Go figure.

Naturally being already insane, Hidgens breaks out, still naked mind, and chases after Lucy. Also noticable is apparently some people thought hidgens was manipulated by the blue shit hive mind in TGWDLM. Which.. no. I do love the guy dont’ get me wrong.. but it was very obvious both from the way his musical number was done compared to the rest of the ones in the musical, and his actions that was entirely him, and his playing the music was so he could join, especially since we don’t see the hive mind use any mind manupluation on anyone else. Regular manipulation sure as seen with you tied up my heart and not your seed, manipulating charoltte into freeing her asshole husband so he could infect her and torturing bill for funsies. Just something to get out of the way. Point is he was always crazy we just now have him chasing an innocentish woman with his dong hanging out to prove it. He eventually catches her as Lucy catches herself in one of his bear traps when she hits the woods, because he had those for some reason.. and he has a resonable way out: Just give her the 30,000 dollars he needs for his musical. Thing is she dosen’t have the money.. or hardly any. She spent all of it trying to find the ape man and was marrying jonathan for his money and him for her title. And while it is a bit skeezy, it’s very clear both were using each other and likely knew it, and Lucy still comes out the most moral of our cast here.. granted it’s not a big stretch as hidgens is criminally insane, ted’s a skeeze and Jonathan.. well he’s just a diiiiiiccckkkk. It’s not hard is what i’m saying.. much like hidgen’s dick flopping around in the rain. But yeah he dosen’t take it well, Lucy goes up a tree, which is apparently something Becky did once. But before Lucy can die at the hands of a naked thespian, the REAL Ape-Man shows up and tears Hidgen’s arms off, taking lucy in his own arms afterwords and revealing he remembers her. The two hit it off instantly, it turns out his name is chumby in an excellent gag as that was what Hidgens wanted his fake ape man to be named but Ted froze, and go off into the night together. Awww.. what if a naked ape man played by my boy jeff blim and a british person can’t work who can?

We then close out the segment with a cameo appearance by Jamie Lynn Beatty, who while not part of the cast for this double feature, does get a fun showtune about the ape man. Also fun fact that i found out here on tumblr: That costume is from something Jamie did in HIGH SCHOOL. As in well over a decade ago. Like holy shit, good for her. She looks great in it. But yeah it’s a fun song and a nice way to close it out. Final Thoughts on the Hatchetfield Ape-Man: This was a great way to start things off. This one was more in line with starkids pre-hatchetfield work, a goofy story with some hidden depth inside. And like the guy who didn’t like musicals it was utterly terrifying in spots so yeah good stuff ,utterly hilarous and a great way to bring back some old faviorites while giving us a neat new protaganist. Good stuff.

Watcher World:

Now from a mostly comedy with a horrifying ending to just.. pure unfiltered horror and depression! It’s Watcher World! Bill and Alice are back! And given I love Mariah Rose Faith and Corey Dorris, I was exastic to find this was what the second segment was about.. mostly because I had no idea Starkid had teasers for the episodes on their instagram, or I would’ve known Hidgens was coming. I wouldn’t of known he’d be stark naked for the last third of his story but still, pleasant surprise.

So Bill and Alice are spending the day at Watcher World, a run down amusement park on the edge of town. It’s Alice’s last weekend before College so Bill’s trying to reconnect with her by cramming a good old fashioned family vacation down her throat. Alice is less than enthused, both because she clearly resents her dad in general, and because Deb is throwing a huge rager on the same night. My honest interpretation of that is that Deb fully inteded for her girlfriend to come but Bill sprung this on Alice at the last minute and being pretty oblivious and hating Deb, either didn’t care about taking alice from one last night with her friends and girlfriend or didn’t generally think that through. I mean don’t get me wrong normally i’d side with a parent not wanting their daughter to attend a huge teen rager on their last weekend together.. but it’s also Alice’s last weekend in town for some time, and it’s likely a saturday.. so he has another day, and presumibly had friday before this and while things with his ex wife are tense, fighting for an extra day with her would be understandable and i’ts not like Alice, even if she hates Bill, would really fight him on getting an extra day in the town she didn’t want to leave.

But that’s what I really like about this one that it’s layered. While Alice is slightly more in the right, she’s still shutting her dad out, refusing to let him follow her on instagram (though he does agree with her keeping it private as he dosen’t want Ted perving on her, which tracks, or Ted’s brother doing it which.. wait what?), and being on her phone the whole time to very clearly spite him and rub how much she dosen’t want to be there in her dad’s face. She dosen’t WANT to be at watcher world but instead of trying to talk to her Dad just wants to complain and apparenlty has on all their vacations.. it’s easy to see why Bill is annoyed by his daughter at times and thinks he has to FORCE HER to have fun with him, because otherwise she’d gladly ignore him for their entire weekends together for Deb. She’s so determined to punish her dad for the divorce, that she refuses to see on some level he IS trying, and is just sad about her leaving, and possibly leaving him forever and alone with nothing else in his life but his buddy Paul, whose getting married next week so that’s probably not helping. On the other hand the reason I say Alice is more in the right is that well.. Bill’s a grown ass men. And while, speaking for himself, grown ass men don’t always make the right decisions, and not speaking for myself neither do fathers... Alice’s acting out is understandable coming from an 18 year old whose been through hell over the last year, having her parents divorce being forced to move, loosing her friends. Bill however just kind of uses her age and angst as an excuse to undermine and belittle her feelings. Because he doesn’t like deb for the very stupid reasons of she does pot, instead of assuring her that Deb wouldn’t cheat on Alice with Deb’s former crush Zigg, starkid’s first non binary character in a nice show that Nick Lang wasn’t just covering his ass when he said there’d be more representation in starkid, which in his defense I didn’t doubt him on but it’s still nice he did so at the earliest opportunity and very clearly plans to use Zigg if he can find a nonbinary actor for them.

But yeah instead of assuring his daughter, Bill is just like “well sometimes relationships don’t work out” which while true is clearly his self serving way of trying to get Alice to break up with someone he dosen’t like. INstead of supporting her in her dreams of writing plays, one of which was good enough to get her a scholarship, he tries to act like she has no plans for her future and get her to be a doctor for more security, even though having a secure job has done.. no one at his office including him favors. I mean again, the most stable and happy person at the office is the guy in charge, and even he can’t tell his wife he wants her to choke him out at night. He wants her to choke him, he wants her to choke him while he jerks off, he wants her to choookeeee himmm while heeeee jerrrkssss offfff.

While part of this seems to be that Deb plans to be a starving artist who can mooch off her parents in a pinch, Alice GENUINELY seems to have a full plan for her life. I do get his worrying about her future.. but she’s a smart kid. A bit of a brat but she knows what she wants clealry and clearly has talent. He’s just projecting his own fears on her. He also refuses to accept any responsibility in the divorce.. his hating his ex wife IS valid, as she took his daughter away, uprooted her life a year before graduation and spends gobs of money on impressive outings, the latter two seemingly just to spite him when honestly, it’d of made more sense for Alice to stay with Bill for the year before she graduates and been better for her. However, Bill still doesn’t take responsibly that he too is shoving fun down her throat to try and win her over, hates her girlfriend and refuses to treat her with any respect, and really DOSEN’T know Alice all that well. As we learn during their fun day she has anxiety, and he never knew about it. And the divorce isn’t really an excuse when he had years before that. It’s the real problem of their relationship: Bill feels ENTITLED to a good father daughter relationship, but isn’t working at it and blames his ex wife or Alice for it instead of himself. While Alice isn’t an innocent as i’ve made clear, putting up walls and not telling dad things, given bill ignores her when she DOES try to tell him about her life, it’s easy to see she’s just given up. If he won’t listen why bother. Which yeah i’ve found myself there with my own dad from time to time. Bill’s not a bad person, he genuinely loves Alice, as he says “to the moon and back”, but it’s very clear from this outing he still loves the little girl who loved him unconditionally and not the complicated and mopey adult sh’es become, and dosen’t WANT to adapt to that and fears once she leaves for college she’ll avoid him for good, which isn’t unfounded. It’s a good, complex rich dynamic. Naturally with.. all this I covered up front instead of sprinkling it throughout, the day doesn’t go great, with Alice utterly miserable most of the time, and ending up in a goofy novelty t-shirt due to a log ride. She also has an unsettling encounter with park mascot Blinky, our newest adorable abomination, who not only shows up the moment she does something bad on camera but also stares at her ass, which.. Paul you mind coming back for a second?

Thank you. They end up at the Watch Party, a cheesy kids show musical because Bill apparently equates this with his daughter loving musicals. I mean granted cheesy kids stage shows can be rad just listen to this.

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But I get Alice’s annoyance here. Thus we get the return of the sniggles, who apparently serve whatever eldrich deity is around this week and our first song of this segment, The Blinky Song. Which is catchy as hell as well as hilariously dark (”I’m so hungry”), and uses the stock footage well, as I could buy a cheap theme park ran by an eldtirch eye goblin using stock footage. But yeah it establishes Blinky as always watching and kinda fucked up. Also the sniggles are now clearly the smurgs with Angie’s now being named Sniglette, Jeff being papa Sniggle and James being Snigglotts. However Sniglette considers leaving with another song with a long string of words. Then, things get.. dark as the rest of the sniggles don’t want her to leave and try and mob her, and then Papa Sniggle accidently wings her with a mallet and apparenlty injures the actual performer, before everyone’s ushered out and the usher pretends nothing happened. Good mind screw horror stuff.

Alice and Bill then bicker a bit with my above point being made as Alice TRIES to get Bill to accept some respoinablity but he refuses and blames her mom. It’s now time for the Tear-Jerker, the reason they came. Bill’s buddy Paul says someone died. They also find three other people waiting in line and when one goes to the bathroom the other two start making out which.. yeah, dosen’t help Alice’s worry Deb’s going to cheat on her. So she takes the first single rider pass she can, with Bill worming his way in as to not let her get away. The two naturally end up fighting on the Tear-Jerker before it stops up high, and ends up stalled, with the gloriously returning Nerdy Kid played by Joey from Black Friday being as helpful as usual. Seriously bless them for bringing him back. Man in a Hurry also showed up again, bless him too. Alice picks this time to reveal her fear of heights and anxiety, and an approaching storm isn’t helping. So Bill.. steps up. He helps ease Alice down taking her phone for her, if loosing it due tot he rain and helping her stay calm. It’s a REALLY nice portrayal of an anxiety attack, with Mariah herself apparently having them and thus portraying it really well. As someone who has them myself it really hits home and Bills calm attempts to help her are really heartwarming, getting her to describe her musical for him and the two bonding. It’s genuinely sweet. But.. it can’t last, as Alice freaks out about her phone and Bill for once is in the right, as .. he was you know.. trying to save his daughter having a panic attack, and really stepped up given he was obnovious she had anxiety in the first place, and managed it well. He then gives the utterly heart stomping line “I love you to the moon and back, but sometime’s it’s really hard to like you. “

Just damn. So Alice runs off and both find their way to the fairway. Bill tries winning a doll for Alice, getting into a test of strength where he fails repedatly and is constantly mocked by the barker, played by James Tolbert who also played Blinky..

That should be Tolbert’s twitter handle. Anyway point is, Bill keeps trying even as he wracks up 400 dollars in credit card debt, for a 49.95 doll, before eventually the barker and hte crowd’s jeers get to be too much and he does smack it hard, thinking of all of his pent up rage towards alice.. just as the bell at the top takes the shape of alice’s head and explodes. Bill is naturally horrified by this by the barker assures he loves him.. and that he should totally hobble his daughter misery style to make her not leave him and use the mallet for it. Meanwhile Alice is at the shooting Gallery not wanting the blinky doll she wins, just blowing off steam when she runs into an old crone played by Lauren Lopez. But this Crone has her phone... which suspiciously has a ton of instagram photos of Deb and Zigg making out while sharing a toke. Granted Deb COULD’VE cheated, but given Alice is insecure, and her phone was given back to her by a witch working for an eye goblin.. yeah maybe just maybe Deb was loyal, and if she wasn’t wouldn’t be dumb enough to put it on instagram. But given Alice is already worked up it’s easy enough for her to beliive that her relationships in danger and if she gets there in time she can stop it and oh look her gun is now a real gun and can help her get the keys. So yeah it’s time for a creepy as hell Shining-esque showdown, but if both sides were possesed instead of one. It’s.. a CHILLING as hell scene, not helped by Alice wielding a gun again as both fight. I was gripped the entire time and don’t have much to say utter than HOLY SHIT THIS WAS AS TERRIFYING AS IT WAS RIVITING.

But a crowd gathers as the fight continues.. all with purple eyes which ave been seen on and off, watchers with a thousand eyes.. and with Blinky, now revealed NOT to be a costume probably, above them all. We also get one hell of a line. “This is an amusement park but not for YOUR amusement.”

So yeah I love this sequence.. and Blinky as a villain. While it’s vague if he and Blinky are the same entity.. I’m going with not. It’s not a stretch that like Cthulu, Wiggly has brothers in the black and white, with their own motives, methods and ability to get into our world. Unlike Wiggly.. Blinky’s already here and has no real ambition other than to find people to mentally tear apart and set loose on one another for his own amusement. He doesn’t have grand plans of burning the world.. he just wants to be entertained. It’s an interesting and chilling motive and I hope we see him again eventually. I also believe those at the park are trapped there bound after their own day there and trapped doing whatever Wiggly needs. Except maybe squeaky voiced teen. He probably just complains about cleaning up so much blood. But yeah Blinky is very happy as the fight escalates into the hall of mirrors and Alice looses her gun.. with Bill now poised to strike down his daughter as the mirror reflects the various workers at the park, all encouraging him to kill her... it’s utterly terrifying as Bill’s eyes take on a purple tint.. and we get a POWERFUL use of the score and the “why does it hurt to love you’ bit from TGWDLM.. as Bill sees himself and what he’s about to do, sees his daughter understandably having a panic attack.. and calms her, his eyes returning and the two reconciling. Of course Blinky isn’t happy about this “sappy bullshit” and brings htem into his domain, charging at them. But kinda missing that giving a pissed off teenager a rifle she knows how to use when you have a giant target for a face isn’t a good idea and she shoots him, with him bleeding a flood of purple goo that sends them out. While I doubt Winky’s dead, he is done with them. Our story concludes on a sweeet note as the two find their car, and they finally make as tep forward, Bill having seen almost too late how selfish and controlling he was being and accepting his daughter on her phone.. and Alice realizing her need to open up and after checking Instagram, likely finding out those photo’s weren’t real, she throws her phone in the back.. but not before accepting her dad’s request, letting him in. Sure the road ahead is rough.. but the two have made a good first step towards repairing things and loving one another again in a healthy manner. and all it took was bill nearly murdering her and allice shooting an eye goblin int he face and getting covered in his blood. Cue the credits, a beautiful song called “One Thousand Eyes” with Jeff Blim fucking nailing it. A great way to send off this bit. Final Thoughts: This was the best one of the two. While Ape Man is really good too, this one took the darker tone of black friday, but with a tighter narrative. By focusing on a smaller cast, the darker elements really played better and the conclusion felt more satisfying.. though it helped that BOTH of these tails ended without everyone dying, and while I doubt EVERY story will have a happy ending, it makes things more interesting knowing that the heroes can get a happy ending this time around instead of an apocalypse.

Overall Thoughts: This double feature was great, I’ll be getting a ticket to the next one if I can afford it, and if not i’ll see it presumably in December or next year when it comes on YouTube. Really excellent stuff. So this was a first for me but if you’d like to see more starkid stuff from me, let me know in the comments or my askbox, commission me to review one of the musicals via dm, and if you liked how I did this review follow this blog for weekly ducktales and loud house coverage, and amphibia coverage when that returns, among more fun reviews. And until next time.. don’t blink. Play us out Jeff.

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I really hope this is the ending theme for the series.

#nightmare time #hatchetfield #the hatchetfield ape man #watcher world #ted #professor henry hidgens #Bill Woodward #Alice Woodward #Lucy Stockworth #halloween #halloween havoc #paul matthews #jeff blim #team starkid #starkid

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dementedgnomicwizard · 5 years

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“I spent fifteen hundred bucks on a state-of-the-art sound system so that Myra wouldn’t miss a single golden note on her Barry Manilow records and her “Supremes Greatest Hits,” he thought, and then felt a flush of guilt. That wasn’t fair, and he damn well knew it. Myra would have been just as happy with her old scratchy records as she was with the new 45-rpm sized laser discs, just as she would have been happy to keep on living in the little four-room house in Queens until they were both old and gray... He had bought the luxury sound system... because he had been able to, and because they were ways of appeasing the... always implacable voice of his mother; they were ways of saying: I made it, Ma! Look at all this! I made it! Now will you please for Christ’s sake shut up awhile?”

where sonia made a point to constantly doubt and belittle eddie to keep the power dynamics shifted in her favor and keep him feeling indebted to her/like he had to do exactly the right thing in order to keep her happy, myra... simply Does Not do that. she’s literally just happy to be with eddie, and he is (as illustrated by this quote) ABSOLUTELY aware of that difference. also this quote highlights the fact that myra is financially dependent on eddie—so in terms of the power dynamics at play, eddie has the upper hand.

“Once, shortly before actually proposing marriage, he had taken a picture of Myra... and had put it next to one of his mother... He had made the comparison, he supposed, in a last-ditch effort to stop himself from committing psychological incest. He looked from Mother to Myra and back again to Mother.

They could have been sisters. The resemblance was that close.

Eddie looked at the two nearly identical pictures and promised himself he would not do this crazy thing... He would break it off with Myra. He would let her down gently because she was really very sweet and had had even less experience with men than he’d had with women.

...But in the end he had married Myra anyway. In the end, the old ways and the old habits had simply been too strong.”

eddie is aware that he is trying to cling to and repeat his cycle of abuse. he’s aware that his marriage to myra is less about her and more about sonia’s metaphorical ghost hanging over him, AND he knows that myra 1) is oblivious to this and 2) has very little dating experience, which makes her vulnerable (hence the need to treat her gently). he marries her anyway. that’s not fair to myra and he knows it, it’s not healthy for him and he knows it. myra doesn’t! myra doesn’t know any of this! myra is just trying to be a good wife!

“Tears had been more than a defense for his mother; they had been a weapon. Myra had rarely used her own tears so cynically... but, cynically or not, he realized she was trying to use them that way now...”

once again eddie acknowledges a key difference between sonia and myra, which is that while sonia often used her emotions/distress to manipulate eddie, myra’s expressions of emotion are (for the most part, just like everyone else in the world) genuine.

a lot of people like to point to this quote:

“The thought of simply bundling him into the closet and then standing with her back against the door until this madness had passed crossed her mind, but she was unable to bring herself to do it, although she certainly could have...”

as “proof” that myra is abusive (because having and then quickly dismissing an unpleasant thought is a moral failing, as we all know, lmfao) but that reading requires one to conveniently ignore this bit:

““I hate it when you shout at me, Eddie,” she whispered.

“Myra, I hate it when I have to,” he said, and she winced. There you go, Eddie—you hurt her again. Why don’t you just punch her around the room a few times? That would probably be kinder. And quicker.”

hmm!! seems like they both had and dismissed unpleasant thoughts about how to deal with each other/resolve the conflict at hand! it’s almost as if this was an intentional move on king’s part to help the reader understand that while neither of them genuinely want to hurt the other, the relationship is mutually unhealthy! and its very existence is hurting both of them!

also, why does no one talk about what eddie says to her here??? myra is distressed—UNDERSTANDABLY SO—because her partner is behaving erratically and literally packing and leaving without telling her where he’s going, why, or how long he’s going to be gone. that is not how you behave in a relationship and myra is well within her rights to be frightened, confused, and upset. when she voices this (again, very reasonable!) concern, he shouts at her; when she tells him that she doesn’t like when he shouts at her, he tells her that she deserves to be shouted at. that is not a healthy or okay way to talk to a partner.

“Was that what he meant? That he had finally decided it was all right to love her? That it was all right even though she looked like his mother when his mother had been younger and even though she ate brownies in bed while watching Hardcastle and McCormick or Falcon Crest and the crumbs always got on his side and even though she wasn’t all that bright and even though she understood and condoned his remedies in the medicine cabinet because she kept her own in the refrigerator?”

this is nearly the only moment in the entirety of “Eddie Kaspbrak Takes His Medicine” where we get to see eddie’s thought process about myra when he’s not thinking through the lens of how his mother behaved. and it about sums it up. she looks like his mother, and she “understood and condoned his remedies in the medicine cabinet”—they weren’t her idea. they were a part of eddie’s life before she entered it. myra is a woman whose husband has told her that he is ill, and in response she encourages him to take his medication. that’s it.

in addition, this passage implies (not for the first time either!) that just as myra “understands and condones” eddie’s medication, he “understands and condones” her over-eating and weight gain ("She had only been big when Eddie married her... but he sometimes thought his subconscious had seen the potential for hugeness in her...”)

there is no villain here. there are two people trapped in a mutually unhealthy relationship. both of them are deserving of sympathy and love. stop being blinded by your hatred of fat women.

#cw parental abuse mention #myra #this is a really disorganized ramble bc im doing this quickly inbetween my readings for class #but im like. mad. im mad about this for real. people on this website are so dumb.

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incomprehensiblelentils · 3 years

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Lentils’ 2020 Christmas Movie Rankings

My wife and I watched a lot of Christmas movies this year, and I thought it would be fun to rank them based on which ones I think were most watchable and enjoyable. I’ve left out a few that we watched during this time period, which are classic Christmas movies (Miracle on 34th Street), action movies set at Christmas (Kiss Kiss Bang Bang and Iron Man 3), or older romances set around Christmas (While You Were Sleeping and You’ve Got Mail), because it’s not fair to rank these amongst, well, some of the movies we saw.

my top 5, for those of you who don’t like reading (which is fair): The Princess Switch: Switched Again, Dashing in December, The Princess Switch, Jingle Jangle, Happiest Season.

my top 3 Chaotic Christmas Movies: A New York Christmas Wedding, 12 Pups of Christmas, The Princess Switch: Switched Again. Please watch these movies if you enjoy chaotic plots. Please especially watch the first two I listed because holy shit my summaries do not properly convey the chaos.

The Princess Switch: Switched Again (2020): Some people on the internet have been VERY RUDE about this movie and I’m sorry they don’t appreciate a true chaotic holiday gem when they see it. This movie involves two Vanessa Hudgenses, Scheduled Vanessa and Spontaneous Vanessa, who are distant cousins and not twins, switching places to try to facilitate Spontaneous Vanessa getting back together with her ex the baker, but Scheduled Vanessa is intercepted by a third cousin Vanessa, Horny Vanessa, who wants to take Spontaneous Vanessa’s place as queen. I don’t want to spoil anything that happens in this movie so that you can experience the batshittery for yourself, but I found every second absolutely delightful. It also has two very good romantic couples who are cute and who genuinely seem to like each other, which is not something I can say for every movie on this list!

Dashing in December (2020): This movie has gay cowboys, is set on a ranch, and features a squaredancing scene, so if that isn’t your bag, you are probably not going to like it very much. I found it deeply charming and the only reason it isn’t #1 is that three quarters of the way through, the lead suddenly turns back into a giant jerk for no real reason and that was very upsetting. But it all works out in the end. The main romance is very cute, there are horses, the horsemanship doesn’t totally suck ass, and there are some fun side characters. It’s not reinventing the wheel, but it’s pleasant.

The Princess Switch (2018): Again, some people are mean about this movie and they shouldn’t be because it is CUTE GODDAMMIT. It is absolutely The Prince and the Pauper but with two Vanessa Hudgenses, but also, it shows the aforementioned two good romantic couples falling in love and they are delightful. I am not saying this is a great masterpiece of romance, but the filmmakers actually tried to give these characters reasons to like each other, which, again, is not true for some of the movies on this list.\

Jingle Jangle (2020): I kind of feel bad putting this movie on the same list as TV movies that were obviously just shit out by Hallmark or whoever, because this clearly had a lot of love and heart put into it, and it really shows. I was so immediately charmed by this movie that I didn’t even mind when it immediately went in very silly directions. I don’t know if the plot makes sense at all (a cute robot shows up for seemingly no reason other than that cute robots are fun!) but it doesn’t have to, because everyone is having so much fun and there’s so much joy in this movie that I was just happy to be along for the ride. Also, I would love to see an entire movie in the stop-motion style from the opening scene.

Happiest Season (2020): I absolutely understand why some people didn’t like this movie, and I don’t want anyone to feel like they can’t dislike it, and also, it’s MY movie, and I love it, and I’m not interested in fighting about it. It helped me come out to my parents and also featured two of my faves kissing and that’s all I need.

Noelle (2019): I was previously under the impression this movie was bad, and I don’t know why, because it’s a little embarrassing and cheesy at times, but it’s sweet. I suspect what will make or break it for you is if you like Anna Kendrick, and because I like Anna Kendrick, I like watching her play a neurotic Claus sibling trying desperately to fix the problem she accidentally caused. One weird thing though: this movie tried to convince me about halfway through that she was both spoiled and selfish, and I don’t actually think that’s true at all. I think she was a little naive and sheltered and wanted people to like her way too much, but she’s not really shown to be a selfish person - she’s constantly paying attention to other people in the real world and her brother is the one who refused to admit that he wasn’t cut out for the Santa gig and instead fucked off to “find himself” or whatever. It was weird! But anyway, I liked this movie a lot.

I’ll Be Home For Christmas (1998): So this movie...one Christmas Eve when I was in high school, I was having trouble falling asleep for whatever reason so I went downstairs to get some water. My mom happened to have the TV on and this movie was just starting, and she invited me to join her. Fun fact: this movie went to theaters and it stars Jonathan Taylor-Thomas and Jessica Biel. It is one of the dumbest movies I’ve ever seen in my life and at no point does anyone in it actually behave like a human being. It’s about a smooth-talking jackass who has to be bribed to come home for Christmas and then, after one of his dumbass moneymaking schemes lands him in hot water, he gets abandoned in the middle of the California desert wearing a Santa suit and glued-on beard. He then has to beg, lie, and cheat his way home for Christmas dinner so that his dad will give him a vintage Porsche they fixed up together. I have no defense for this character; he is insufferable and only becomes marginally less so by the end of the film. But also, I have to watch this movie every year (usually with my mom, although not this year for obvious reasons) or it doesn’t feel like Christmas.

A Cinderella Story: Christmas Wish (2019): We own this on DVD and have seen it three times. In our defense, we wanted to support Gregg Sulkin from Runaways and Isabella Gomez from One Day at a Time, both of whom feature prominently in this movie, and also sing songs. This is just Cinderella But At Christmas, and if that doesn’t sound like fun to you, I don’t think anything I can say will change your mind. I will say that the songs are amusingly autotuned, there’s a disabled dog that’s very cute, and I personally think that the leads have slightly better chemistry than some of the pairs on this list. But it is literally just another Cinderella Story movie.

The Knight Before Christmas (2019): This movie is Thor (2011) But At Christmas, and it would have been slightly higher except I always forget about the plot where at the end the knight becomes a cop. Bad, obviously! But anyway, the plot of this movie is: nice but clueless dude crash-lands on Earth for Reasons and bumbles around trying to figure out what’s up, while falling in love with a nice lady. That’s just Thor and you know I’m right. And for as dumb as this movie is, at least it’s ambitious. I have learned that Christmas movies can do one of two things to please me: a) have actors that have decent chemistry and charm and are fully committed to whatever nonsense is going on, or b) have absolutely batshit chaotic plots. This movie is like a 4 out of 5 on the chaos scale and I like it a lot, besides the copaganda. I hope this also gets made into a trilogy and Cole isn’t a cop anymore.

A Christmas Prince 3: The Royal Baby (2019): I will get into my problems with the first two Christmas Prince movies later, but my main criticism is that they are kind of boring and not chaotic enough. This one decided to make up for that by incorporating a missing ancient treaty, a curse, and a ghost, as well as a subplot about Girl Power (I use this semi-ironically) and a subplot about cousin Simon potentially committing treason again. I was so excited that things were happening in this movie the first time I watched it that I may be a little biased, but oh well. Oh, I was also absolutely terrified it was going to be racist and it is...mostly not? There are a few questionable moments but like mostly it’s fine.

Christmas With the Prince (2018): I wanted to watch this because the summary on Netflix did not match the summary on Google at all, and that’s because, uh, they’re both sort of right? Ostensibly this movie is about a pediatric oncologist who comes back into contact with an old almost-flame, who just happens to be the prince of a tiny European country, because he fucked up his leg and needs somewhere private to stay. And apparently a pediatric oncology ward is the best place for that? But then after they fall in love this random Russian lady shows up and is like “that’s my fiance.” This happens maybe twenty minutes from the end. Anyway, this movie isn’t great but I liked the lead guy way more than I thought I would and it has some cute kids in it.

A New York Christmas Wedding (2020): I...am at a loss for words to describe this...motion picture. On the surface it is a cute idea: a young Black woman, Jennifer, is getting married to her boyfriend on Christmas Eve, but she’s given a chance by her guardian angel (stay with me) to go back in time and redo her life, after losing touch with her childhood best friend, Gabrielle, who she was always in love with but never confessed her feelings to. She wakes up in an alternate timeline, where she and Gabrielle have been together for years and her beloved father is still alive. Then the movie, uh...veers off into some very odd places! They go to their Catholic priest and ask him to marry them, and he is like “but the Bible” and they are like “but that’s bullshit” and he’s like “shrug” and then later during a sermon he’s like “actually that IS bullshit, everyone gay in this church come stand up here with me. We love you. Also we’re going to perform a wedding now” and then he marries Jennifer and Gabrielle. And then Jennifer’s angel shows up and is like “you have to choose between this life and your old life now” and then uh...I really hate to spoil this next thing. It is the weirdest choice I’ve ever seen a movie make and if you’re even the slightest bit interested in this movie, I think you should experience this plot point for yourself. I’m going to put the batshit spoiler in ROT13 in case you want to avoid spoiling yourself. (GJ: fhvpvqr) Wraavsre'f thneqvna natry erirnyf gung ur vf gur fba bs Tnoevryyr, jub va gur bevtvany gvzryvar tbg certanag nf n grra naq ure snzvyl frag ure gb n ahaarel. Fur zvfpneevrq naq fhofrdhragyl qvrq ol fhvpvqr. Uvf anzr vf Nmenry Tnovfba. Anyway, uh, this movie isn’t very good, unfortunately, the adult leads have no chemistry and Gabrielle’s adult self is actively unlikable (the teen versions of them are cute!), but I think it’s 1000% worth a watch for the sheer chaos of it all. I...recommend it for that, I guess? Oh, also there’s a sex scene that plays a slow sexy version of “O Christmas Tree” in the background and I felt like I was losing my mind.

A Christmas Prince: The Royal Wedding (2018): As I said in my commentary on the third movie in this series, the worst sin this movie commits is being kind of boring. It also manages to make the romantic hero, Richard, even worse than in the first movie, where he was just kind of useless and petulant, because in this movie he is actively failing to do anything to revive the failing economy of his country. I have seen people complain that the prince in The Princess Switch and Cole in The Knight Before Christmas have no personalities; they are delightful compared to the wet paper bag of a man in this movie. Rose McIver is adorable and I don’t think any of this is her fault, she’s doing her best in these movies, but woof.

12 Pups of Christmas (2019): The Google summary of this movie, which we found on Hulu, is this: “Struggling to keep his dog GPS locator company afloat, Martin expects his new hire, Erin, to help him save the company and find homes for 12 puppies that were left behind after a photo shoot. As they work together, Erin and Martin begin to discover each other's positive qualities and find love just in time for the holidays.” My wife and I love dogs, so we put this on, expecting cute dogs. This movie contains approximately 80% chaos and 20% cute dogs. It opens with our heroine, a canine therapist, coming home from work to have dinner with her fiance and best friend. We find out that Erin and fiance are moving to California soon for her new job (they live in New York). Fast forward a few days to their courthouse wedding, at which point her fiance and best friend confess to having an affair, and she is dumped. Heartbroken, she moves to California alone, and ends up moving into the company-provided house. It is just a two-story house (??) that the CEO’s sister owns (???) and rents out to employees (????). Also Erin is, as the Google summary says, expected to come up with some grand idea to save the company. And there are 12 random puppies also. They are cute puppies. Oh, also Martin, the CEO of the dog collar company, hates dogs for some reason. Martin’s sister is aggressively friendly towards Erin in a way that I interpreted as sapphic. At one point, after they find a home for dog #3, Erin’s former BFF shows up on her doorstep (?????) begging to be let in. She insists that the fiance was also two-timing her, and she has proof that he had FIVE OTHER GIRLFRIENDS ALL AROUND THE COUNTRY - “that’s why he’s a traveling businessman”!!!! Erin never asks to see her proof, but I guess she believes her, because she lets her inside and then makes her take care of the remaining eight dogs out of spite. I guess they make up at some point. Anyway, somewhere in here Erin and Martin are starting to fall in love and also come up with a way to rebrand the business, so hooray for them. We also learn that the reason Martin hates dogs is that his beloved childhood dog, uh, ran away? Disappeared? Got eaten? He insists that “not knowing [what happened to him] was the worst part,” but I was out here expecting to see the child finding an actual dead dog like it’s John Wick or something so this was a little anticlimactic. They go on a business trip to New York talk with Important Japanese Investors, during which they fuck (it is? romantic? allegedly?), and then the morning of their meeting Erin’s shitty ex shows up in the hotel lobby to bother her. Martin decks him square in the face for not leaving her alone, and then someone calls the cops, because I guess this movie said ACAB, and both dudes get arrested and Erin has to do the presentation alone. And then in the last five minutes Martin gets out of jail and Erin says that she gave the presentation to the investors...in English, and their translator was twenty minutes late, and so the investors understood none of what she said. Thankfully we are spared actually seeing this “joke,” but they do play racist music over her explanation. Then Martin reconnects with his rich dad who bails out the company instead, and also he adopts the four remaining dogs. This movie was fucking bananas and very bad and I need more people to understand exactly how bad. Watch this movie.

A Nutcracker Christmas (2016): Amy Acker has two Christmas movies and this one seemed more palatable than Dear Santa, so here we are. I like to watch Amy Acker be cute and dance, and she has an adorable teenage niece in this movie that she’s helped raise. In this movie she’s a former ballet dancer whose sister (hilariously, one of the Wynonna Earp lesbians) died in a tragic car accident, and she never got to dance the part of the Sugarplum Fairy. Spoiler alert: she gets to by the end of the movie. Unfortunately the love interest is basically Satan incarnate and does not deserve her at all, so unless you like yelling at romantic leads I can’t really recommend it.

Godmothered (2020): This movie is just, uh, Enchanted but worse, and also it should have been sapphic and it isn’t? Poor Jillian Bell is doing her best and is adorable, but it’s not enough to save this movie for me. If Disney were not cowards she would have fallen in love with single mom Isla Fisher. Oh, it also ends with the very white younger daughter doing a public cover of “Rise Up” by Andra Day that the audience joins in on, which, considering its use in the BLM movement the last couple years, felt, uh, not great to me.

A Christmas Prince (2017): It’s maybe not far to compare this to the rest of the Netflix Christmas Cinematic Universe, because it was the originator. But also, it’s pretty boring. Sorry. Simon, or Fiddles (Fake Hiddles/Tom Hiddleston) is the best character.

Married by Christmas (2016): Apparently an alternate title for this is The Engagement Clause, which is sort of funny. Anyway, this has Jes Macallan and we, being big fans of Legends of Tomorrow, lost our shit when we found this on Christmas Day and had to watch it. The plot is that Jes’ character runs the family business, but their shitty grandma died and left a clause in her will where the business goes to the husband of whichever granddaughter gets married first. You would think that Jes’ sister and her fiance would postpone their Christmas Eve wedding to give Jes time to set up some kind of platonic wedding for business purposes, since Jes’ entire life is this stupid business, but nope, they immediately turn into monsters who are determined to get their hands on the business for ???? reasons???? It’s not very good, as you can tell by how low it is on the list. Jes Macallan is not a convincing straight businesswoman. I wouldn’t even really enjoy this movie as an Avalance AU.

A Princess for Christmas (2011): Here we are, the worst one Christmas movie I watched this year. I don’t actively harbor any ill will towards Katie McGrath, although I confess to feeling a bit “her?” but it’s fine. I was hoping this movie would enlighten me to her appeal. Instead, this movie actively got on my nerves in multiple ways, including trying to pass Katie McGrath off as a normal American retail worker instead of an Irish vampire/sorceress/supervillain/fairy/whatever she is. Her accent is shockingly awful, which I’m not sure is actually her fault, is there a reason her family wasn’t just British? That wouldn’t have saved the movie but it would have made it just slightly more palatable. At every turn it makes the worst choices, including a scene where Katie’s character puts on a rap song and she and the prince dance to it in an attempt to show them “loosening up,” and then the mean grandfather comes in and demands that they “turn this ghetto music off.” YIKES. I know these movies are the whitest movies ever by design but was that racism necessary? The only Black people I actually saw in this movie were some of the servants, I think? Speaking of the servants, at the end of the movie there’s a grand ball and Katie’s dress gets fucked up, and she’s about to leave the country, and then the servants are like “don’t go! We pooled our money to buy you another nice dress!” which, also yikes! This movie has a real classism problem. It also was so boring I zoned out of it multiple times, and I have sat through Manos: The Hands of Fate and Birdemic multiple times. This movie has no chaos whatsoever and I hated all the characters. 0/10 do not recommend under any circumstances.

#christmas #sometimes I write things

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f4liveblogarchives · 3 years

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Fantastic Four Vol 1 #239

Thur Dec 17 2020 [10:52 PM] Umbramatic: :O [10:52 PM] Wack'd: I'm gonna guess Batman. You'd never expect that

[10:53 PM] Umbramatic: its the spanish inquisition [10:54 PM] Wack'd: So this mystery guest is a woman with short black hair, having come to see the Four all the way from Arizona on a matter of life or death. She also mentions in thought balloons that

"It's been so long--so many years since we last saw each other. I wonder if he ever thinks of me--of us."

[10:55 PM] Bocaj: I don't think I know of anyone with black hair [10:55 PM] Wack'd: Lucky for her, especially given it's the dead of night, the Four's little corner of the Baxter now has a receptionist. Uh. Kinda.

[10:57 PM] Wack'd: Reed meanwhile has been up for three days straight trying to fix the current Ben related-fuckup. He blamed himself, of course. Sue tries to reassure him that Ben probably doesn't hold him accountable [10:58 PM] Wack'd: Huh!

[10:58 PM] Wack'd: You know what? Fair dues. I did not see this coming. [10:59 PM] maxwellelvis: Doctors Hate Her! [10:59 PM] Bocaj: I always thought of Aunt Petunia not appearing until later [10:59 PM] Bocaj: In my mind she was sort of a the ghost for a while in the sense of sir not appearing [10:59 PM] Wack'd: I mean hey, twenty years is a hell of a while. [10:59 PM] maxwellelvis: As an aside, from what I remember of Ben's wedding, it looks like Aunt Petunia started aging in real time as if the Four had gotten their powers NOW as in 1982 [11:00 PM] Wack'd: "Doctors Hate Her!" Funny you say that max because Ben describes Petunia as a "genuine country doctor." [11:00 PM] maxwellelvis: Ha! [11:01 PM] Wack'd: So Petunia meets the gang. Sue mentions she was expecting someone older, which Petunia takes in stride [11:02 PM] Wack'd: It turns out Petunia married into the family. She, uh. Well. [11:02 PM] Wack'd: Ben's Uncle Jake got into an auto accident, which killed his wife. Petunia, then a student nurse, became his medical student, and then his wife. [11:02 PM] Wack'd: That...sure is a course of events! [11:03 PM] Bocaj: 😬 [11:03 PM] Bocaj: That feels like it fits into a trend with Byrne [11:03 PM] Wack'd: Doesn't it just. (Though I will again point out he is not responsible for Sue having been creepily young when she and Reed hooked up. That's Lee.) [11:04 PM] maxwellelvis: I can see why Slott decided to retcon Aunt Petunia into the grandmotherly type for the wedding. [11:04 PM] Bocaj: Oh now I know where MCU Aunt May has absorbed life force from [11:04 PM] Wack'd: So the "life or death" matter involves her home out in Arizona with Jake. The whole town is in danger of being "frightened to death." [11:05 PM] maxwellelvis: So call Mystery Incoporated [11:05 PM] maxwellelvis: Oh wait, this is 1982, Mystery Inc.'s broken up. [11:06 PM] Wack'd: So. Uh. This is Uncle Jake.

[11:06 PM] Wack'd: And this is Aunt Petunia.

[11:07 PM] maxwellelvis: Yeah, she'd have to have a few more gray hairs than that if she's known Ben since he was a boy, I think. [11:07 PM] Wack'd: She does not seem to have. [11:08 PM] Wack'd: So the Four arrive in Benson, Arizona, and the narration informs us that Ben had been the only one who approved of Jake marrying Petunia, and. [11:09 PM] maxwellelvis: That's what all the instances of Ben invoking her name had led me to believe. [11:09 PM] Wack'd: Look I want to take for granted this is messed up and move on but the damn book seems dead set against me doing this. [11:10 PM] maxwellelvis: Well, anyways, I guess that means we've hit the OTHER side of John Byrne's run. [11:10 PM] maxwellelvis: Aspect, perhaps [11:10 PM] Wack'd: Sue mentions we don't know much about Ben's past. Ben says his mom and died died when he was a teen and Jake raised him. [11:10 PM] Wack'd: (We don't really know much of Reed's past at this point, though I am given to understand this will also change in the near future.) [11:11 PM] maxwellelvis: This part is just Byrne telling Steve Gerber he can fuck off. [11:11 PM] Wack'd: Gerber, I assume, would instruct Bryne to get in line. [11:12 PM] Wack'd: Racism? Anyone want some racism? Anyone think what this story could really use, right about now, is some racism?

[11:13 PM] Bocaj: Eesh [11:13 PM] maxwellelvis: (Gerber I think was one of the first writers to use the "Ben grew up on Yancy St." backstory) [11:14 PM] maxwellelvis: (Unless he didn't write that issue of Marvel Two-In-One, in which case it would probably be Roy Thomas that Byrne was dismissing here) [11:16 PM] maxwellelvis: (I would look this up, but I physically cannot get to my Essential 2-in-1 collection atm) [11:16 PM] Wack'd: So Ruth's child assistant(?) Wendy is upset that Ruth, rather than just appreciating the arrowhead, started a whole excavation. She has fond memories of this place because when her mom was sick they'd come to the site and collect rocks and whatnot. [11:16 PM] Wack'd: So that's not ominous.

[11:17 PM] Wack'd: We skip forward to that night, where two of Ruth's more non-child students are doing some late-night archeology. A mist comes at them and then BAM! Scared to death! [11:18 PM] Wack'd: MEANWHILE IN THE HIMALAYAS [11:19 PM] maxwellelvis: I was putting something in the oven, thinking "Oh man, it better not be the Miracle Man again" and then we cut to the Himalayas [11:19 PM] Wack'd: Quicksilver has been fighting some kind of war, apparently, while Crystal--suffering complications from a half-mutant half-Inhuman pregnancy--is being treated by whoever this guy is.

[11:20 PM] Wack'd: Pietro here is apparently the only guy in all of Attilan who's not come down with some sort of mysterious disease. [11:20 PM] maxwellelvis: He looks like the Leader, if the Leader was slowly turning into a raisin. [11:20 PM] Wack'd: And Attilan is being destroyed, leaving Pietro as their only hope. [11:21 PM] maxwellelvis: Oh yeah, he just looks like the PICTURE of health here, don't he [11:21 PM] Umbramatic: gfrtvtigyhhuihjio;opkp [11:21 PM] Bocaj: The funny thing is that mutant and inhuman genes apparently cancel out [11:22 PM] Bocaj: Or Crystal and Pietro won the silliest genetic lottery [11:22 PM] Wack'd: Back in Arizona, Reed is having no luck cracking the case, while Frankie and Wendy get some bonding time in

[11:23 PM] Wack'd: So, uh. Because this story just did not have enough going on, it turns out Wendy's dad is beating her. [11:23 PM] Umbramatic: oh [11:24 PM] Wack'd: Frankie tries to intervene but Wendy begs her to back off, so she figures there's nothing to be done and leaves. [11:24 PM] Bocaj: Comic are you sure you're up to this content [11:25 PM] Wack'd: I feel like Reed should be caught a bit more flatfooted by someone he looks up to intellectually telling him he can't fix things with guesswork.

[11:26 PM] Wack'd: Sue and Ben want to take action of some kind but Reed points out that, uh, they can't really punch their way out of this one. [11:27 PM] maxwellelvis: I'd make more scooby-doo jokes, but John Byrne deciding to put a Very Special Episode in here has kind of made that feel... not so fun anymore. [11:28 PM] Wack'd: That night, Wendy sneaks out of her house to go talk to the mists. Turns out that’s who her wonderful friends are. [11:30 PM] Wack'd: I think she wants to beg them for mercy? The narration boxes get kinda cryptic. Anyway if that's what she's done, it reeeaaally doesn't work.

[11:30 PM] Wack'd: "What was that about not being able to fight our way out?" [11:32 PM] Bocaj: I think Slott revisited some of this [11:32 PM] Bocaj: I vaguely remember mists and gremlins when Franklin and Valeria were staying with aunt petunia post wedding [11:33 PM] Bocaj: But as it was the same story where Sue made Doom naked on a live broadcast the details escape me [11:33 PM] Wack'd: So on top of these weird things the entire town is now also set on fire and also in a giant windstorm. The Four put out the fires but the damage is done and most of the town decides to evacuate. [11:33 PM] Umbramatic: oh yes that one [11:35 PM] Wack'd: what the fuck what the fuck what the FUCK

[11:36 PM] maxwellelvis: Oh of COURSE Byrne has Reed sympathize with an abusive parent. [11:37 PM] Wack'd: Okay so for starters, because this is the thing I'm the least mad about, everything about this resolution is fucking nonsense. We know basically nothing about any of the other people who got "frightened to death" and so as the readers had no ability to draw upon our own knowledge of their morality or why they might not be able to handle seeing visions of their worst selves. [11:37 PM] Wack'd: From there we get to the fact that, for all the ways Ruth and Reed protested earlier, this is a massive pile of assumptions with absolutely no backing in fact or evidence. [11:37 PM] Umbramatic: geez [11:38 PM] Wack'd: Speaking of Ruth, she said that the arrowhead was crucial, and Ben speculated that may be the excavation released the spirits and they needed to be re-buried. They don't out right say it, but this may as well be a "ancient Indian burial ground" plot. [11:39 PM] Umbramatic: yeesh [11:39 PM] Wack'd: And from there we get, yes, Reed saying that their job is not to judge people, therefore they can't do anything about an abusive parent. Which is frankly just moral cowardice and also really gross. [11:40 PM] maxwellelvis: And also a grim portent of things to come in this era. [11:41 PM] Wack'd: And so the story ends, with. I think the implication is that Wendy asked her "friends" to take care of her dad for her? Which is okay, I guess, but doesn't really fix the way everybody else reacts to this.

[11:42 PM] Wack'd: The story is also just plain all over the place. There's absolutely no reason for the characters who get the Four involved in the plot to be Ben's Aunt Petunia--except-- [11:42 PM] Wack'd: Oh. The whole town got judged. [11:43 PM] Wack'd: Did John Bryne really just write a plot where a bunch of cosmic arbiters of justice basically give the okay to marrying your student [11:43 PM] maxwellelvis: RED FLAG [11:44 PM] Wack'd: This a lot, huh. [11:45 PM] Wack'd: Well, maybe whatever Inhumans nonsense is going on will help clear my head.

#1982 #John Bryne #The Main Book

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writing-in-mermish · 4 years

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have y’all read The Maiden Without Hands, because it is absolutely WILD

So the story starts out talking about this miller who is poor and getting poorer by the second. At this point, all he has is his mill and an apple tree out back.

So this old dude shows up and is like, “why work so hard for nothing, if you give me what stands behind your mill I’ll make you freaking rich.’

The miller, who has no genre savvy, is like, “yeah, sounds good.”

So the old guy gives him a creepy look and says, “sweet, see you in 3 years to pick up what’s mine.”

the miller goes home, his wife’s confused about all the riches they suddenly have, but he explains.

“don’t worry, I met a stranger in the woods who said he’d trade me what’s out back for all of this, so It’s all legit, we just need to give him the apple tree.”

His wife, who is genre savvy, sees the mistake instantly.

“That was obvs the wizard you fool, and you def just gave away our daughter who was sweeping out back. What is wrong with you?”

The daughter, who clearly takes after her mother, then prepares for the wizards visit. She cleans up (like next to godliness clean) and draws a circle of white chalk around her and waits. and before we have time to marvel at how cool she is or why she knows how to do that, the wizard shows up.

The creepy wizard is no match for our magical girl and her chalk circle and skin care regimen.

Pissed, he commands the miller to remove all the water because her cleanness means he has no power over her (is he a dirt wizard? like what are these rules???) The miller for some reason listens to him instead of trusting his BA daughter and wife, and gets rid of their water.

next day, He still can’t touch her because her hands are clean from weeping on them. So he freaks out again and tell the miller to chop off her hands. This time he stands up a little.

“how can I cut off my own child’s hands?” he says.

the wizard responds, “with an ax.”

jk jk, he threatens to take him away instead. And I will not understand WHY this man decides to listen to him instead of just asking for his daughter’s help. Clearly she knows more powerful magic than this wizard, why not use it? Maybe he isn’t pure enough like her or maybe he’s to prideful, or maybe he’s just a fool. whatever the case he does what he’s told and chops. off. his daughters. HANDS. (which she complies with, because she won’t disobey her father! I hate it here.)

But when the wizard shows up on the 3rd day, he still can’t take her because she cried over the stumps and made them clean too. and because he lost 3 times I guess, he just has to admit defeat and leave.

can someone call whole man disposal services, because this father is TRASH! and were the hell is her mother?! did she die? I thought she would support her child, but she’s out of the picture. this bothers me, but we need to get back to the rest of this, because it get stranger.

So the father is like, “thanks for dealing with all of this, I’ll adore you forever.”

but she finally stands up to him and says “I gotta go my own way.” explaining that it’s not safe here and she needs people who will give her sympathy.

the father is sad, but lets her leave into the sunrise. (straight up, the text says she left into the sunrise.)

She ends up in the royal pear garden, starving, but unable to reach the food because of a moat. so she prays and a “guardian fairy” appears, who parts the water so she can get to that sweet sweet fruit.

the fairy hangs out (secretly) and the girl eats one of the pears while it’s still hanging on the tree.

see ma, no hands! (sorry, I’ll see myself out)

the gardener saw this, but was freaked because they thought she a ghost. so the girl goes to sleep in some shrubs, and has a nice rest.

The king shows up and counts his pears (like a weirdo) and notices one missing. then asks his gardening, “what the frick?”

the gardener tells him about the pear eating ghost, to which the king responds, “but ghosts can’t cross moats.”

Then the gardener explains about the fairy but says “it must have been an angel.” and so he was too scared and the ghost left after eating only one pear.

So the king makes him swear to secrecy (like he was going to tell people) and says he’ll watch tonight. (are you confused why this king is so invested in his pears? well good news, so am I)

so he, a priest, and the gardener lie in wait (with a go-pro) for the spirited duo to appear. at midnight, the maiden shows up to eat another pear, but the priest interrupts her to ask what she is (rude). and she gives this killer line

“Ah, me! I am no ghost, only a poor creature forsaken by everyone but God.”

which the king replies to with his own beautiful response

“You may be forsaken by all of the world, but if you will let me be your friend, I will never forsake you.”

So they go to the palace and eventually fall in love, he gives her a pair of silver hands, and they get married. a year later the king goes to war and leaves his bride with his mother (dun, duuun, duuuun!)

the queen has a kid while he’s away and the new grandma sends a letter to inform her son.

ha, you thought she was evil? nope. instead the messenger gets tired and the wizard shows up (look, a through line!), switches the letter while he sleeps, saying the child is a changeling, and the messenger goes on his way.

The king reads this, is distraught, but sends back a letter just saying that his wife should be well taken care of till he returns (what a legend).

but the wizard intercepts this message too, saying the his mother should kill the queen and her child.

But the mother is also having none of this, and sends a letter back, asking him to explain himself.

So the wizard keeps intercepting letters, and changing them to ruin the queen’s life, finally saying they should cut out the child’s tongue and poke out the queen’s eyes. but the kings mom doesn’t suck, and won’t harm them, but has decided that her son has lost it and they should run away before he gets back. there is a lot of crying.

She gets lost in the forest and starts to pray, when she gets up, boom, a cottage!

a sign says it’s a safe place, and then a woman comes out and welcomes them in. she addresses the queen by her title, takes the baby and puts it to sleep, then the queen is like, “how did you know I’m the queen?”

the woman explains this away says she’s a good fairy sent to care for them. and she does. they stay there, and because the queen is so good, her hands grow back, like a freaking lizard.

when the king gets back, his mom chews him out, he is obviously confused, she shows him the letters, and he begins to cry. she sees that they were tricked and tells him that they still live, but left to avoid dying at his hands.

he then vows to go to the ends of the earth for her, and that he will not eat or drink till he finds them (which he even admits might kill him so I don’t know why he included that part).

He traveled the world for SEVEN YEARS, and didn’t find her and worried that she had staved to death. I would wonder how HE didn’t starve to death, but he was sent “heavenly help”, whatever that means.

Eventually he finds the cottage, and while he is reading the sign the good fairy takes him by the hand and says “you are welcome king, but why are you here?��

He explains that he’s been looking for his family for seven years and asks if she can help.

so she makes him sit down, have a meal, and go to bed, and he is so tired that he complies. then she covers his face and goes to get the queen and her son, Painbringer (this child is the only person with a name and I don’t know how to deal with this choice)

The queen is obviously distraught, and questioning if she even still loves this man.

as they go in the covering falls off his face and the queen asks Painbringer to cover it back up. but hearing her voice, he shifts and knocks it right off again. so she says, “cover your father’s face.”

and he’s like, “I don’t have an earthly father, God is my father, this man is a stranger.” (sick unintentional burn kid)

then the king wakes up and the queen introduces herself and Painbringer.

“You look and sound like my wife.” he says, “But my wife had silver hands.” which you know what? fair.

she tells him they grew back, he reasonably doubts this, but the good fairy comes out with the silver hands and he like, yeah that’s them. and goes and embraces his family, ecstatic that they are reunited at last.

The fairy makes them dinner before sending them on their way. They reunite with the kings mother, and she’s super happy everyone is back. and then they renew their vows and have a wonderful life together.

it’s so wonderful that it makes up for all the nonsense that wizard (or demon?) put them through.

#the text decided he was a demon at the end randomly #Painbringer's name in German is #Schmerzbringer #so that's cool #the fact that the wizard couldn't get the king or his mom to harm the queen is just so #wholesome #this story is such a roller coaster #and the magic rules are mind boggling #brothers grimm #fairy tales #the maiden without hands #it's absolutely wild

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plsbyallmeans · 4 years

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Hillary Clinton on Her Surreal Life and New Hulu Doc: “I’m Not the President, and I Got More Votes! It’s So Crazy!”

The former candidate looks back and laughs. What else is she gonna do?

Hillary Clinton sat serenely before me, as if she didn’t have a care in the world. That was my first surprise as I was ushered into a room at a Pasadena hotel to talk to the former Secretary of State and the woman who won the popular vote in the 2016 election about Hulu’s four-part documentary series, Hillary (premieres March 6). Although she’s been accused of being plodding and dour, Clinton exuded buoyant warmth. And then there was her laugh. At first I was convinced that it was deployed for effect. (Politicians get media training; is laughter training a thing?) But gales of it tumbled out so regularly and recklessly that it seemed clear Clinton was just relaxed—maybe for the first time ever?

Sure, sometimes her laughter sounded rueful, but a lot of us feel rueful these days. And while she has stopped ascending the political ladder, Clinton’s name still sparks both adoration and loathing, as well as generalized post-traumatic stress. Some people wish she would withdraw into media exile rather than shadow the current election like the ghost of campaigns past. That gave some pause to Nanette Burstein, the documentary filmmaker behind The Kid Stays in the Picture and American Teen who took on this project in 2018. Burstein knew the Clinton defeat was still a raw wound for liberal America. But it was a cross she was willing to bear, given the complete editorial control and 35 hours of interviews with her subject she was granted, along with leeway to pose any questions she wanted.

I started to ask Clinton how it felt to participate in this legacy-defining project after so many years of having her life’s narrative framed by others, but the word “framed” triggered an explosive howl of laughter. “By all definitions of that word!” she said, eyes flashing, before collecting herself again.

“I decided to do it because I’m not running for anything and I think my life and my story has parallels with women’s lives and stories and what’s going on in politics,“ Clinton told me resolutely. (This was several weeks before the rumor circulated that Mike Bloomberg was considering asking Clinton to be his running mate.) “Thirty-five hours sitting in a chair answering questions is grueling but I felt like if I didn’t tell my side of the story, who would?” she added with a shrug. “At least there’ll be a baseline: Here’s what actually happened in my life. Here’s what I actually said about it.”

That led to some very uncomfortable conversations about the many scandals that engulfed the Clintons, including her husband’s affair with Monica Lewinsky. (“It was awful what I did,” Bill Clinton tells Burstein, barely able to look at the camera. “I feel terrible about the fact that Monica Lewinsky’s life was defined by it.”) “I had to ask the ex-president of the United States about the most personal thing in his life and why he would make such a decision,” Burstein recalled. “It was very intimidating! But it was about: How did this affect Hillary and her marriage and the repercussions of that, which followed her 20 years later, into this last election.”

The series flickers back and forth between Hillary Clinton’s youth and the present, weaving together a complicated and flattering (if not quite hagiographic) portrait of a woman who’s provoked admiration and abhorrence for much of her life. Sometimes she seems like a real-life Zelig, popping up near the center of American culture for the last half century. But Zelig was a bystander, whereas Hillary got right in the thick of the action, sometimes changing the course of events and others times being swept along by them.

Clinton came of age at the exact moment that the women’s liberation movement was rising, and her 1969 Wellesley commencement speech landed her a spot in Life magazine. As a young lawyer, she wrote briefs as part of the staff for Nixon’s impeachment hearings (decades later, in a savage irony, she saw the process from another angle when her own husband was impeached). After following Bill to Arkansas, she confronted good old boy sexism, encountering judges who thought women shouldn’t be lawyers and constituents who felt the first lady of Arkansas should take her husband’s name. When Bill cheated on her in the White House, some women were furious with Hillary for standing by him. Conversely, when Bill entrusted her with the daunting task of devising a universal health care plan 16 years before Obamacare, right-wing rage, and revulsion boiled over. Footage in the Hulu series features protesters brandishing posters with slogans like “Hillary makes me sick” and “Heil Hillary.” At a Kentucky rally, they even burned her in effigy.

“I was threatened when I went around the country talking about it,” Clinton told me of that heated Hillarycare moment, shuddering at the mention of the burning effigy. “The Secret Service made me wear a bulletproof coat at one event because they had taken guns and knives off of people trying to get into the outdoor event. I thought, Shit, I’m trying to get people health care! It’s not like I’m stealing your firstborn here! What is the matter with you?” she shrieked, howling with laughter. “It was so weird—like, what’s happening here? Were they paid? A lot of them were riled up by talk radio…. But yeah, I had a lot of very unusual experiences.”

In the Hulu series, former adviser Cheryl Mills recalls “Hillary hater sessions” during Clinton’s 2008 campaign for the Democratic nomination: Women complaining that the candidate was too power-hungry or that she’d been weak for staying with Bill. “It was like watching The Exorcist: The bile would just keep coming up,” Mills said. Clinton herself told me that before she ran for president, a psychological researcher warned her she’d have problems with white women “because they don’t want any conflict with their husbands, their fathers, their sons, their brothers, their boss. And white men are not going to vote for you—they didn’t vote for your husband, they didn’t vote for Obama, et cetera. So there was a lot of pressure on these women.”

Whatever your view of Clinton’s politics, Hillary reminds us that she was voted the most admired woman in America in the Gallup Poll for 16 years in a row. (Michelle Obama knocked her off the top slot.) Clinton fervently believes she had the white woman vote nailed down in 2016 “until Jim Comey dropped that letter on me,” she said. “I was going to win, I am absolutely convinced of that…. What happened is that white women left me, because their husbands or their bosses or whatever said, See? See? She is going to jail! It was a very effective assault on me.” The series points out that not only was Clinton’s career shaped by her own husband’s infidelity, but it was derailed once again by the sexual misbehavior of Anthony Weiner, husband of her top aide, Huma Abedin. The FBI probe into his sexting a teenage girl ultimately led to Comey’s announcement that they were reopening the investigation into Clinton’s use of a private email server. This reignited the frenzied right-wing smear campaign and, she believes, turned off enough vacillating voters to throw the election to Trump.

Burstein didn’t want to lean too heavily on the gender angle because there are elements at play in Clinton’s turbulent trajectory that “have nothing to do with that,” she said. “They have to do with politics. With her own personality. But there are also things that are very specific to being a female when you’re trying to do something no one else has done…. You really see that play out in her story over and over again.” The documentary shows how the battery of conflicting public expectations and right-wing vilification over several decades caused Clinton to build up defenses, which made her seem ever-more guarded and humorless. That armoring process started as early as law school, where she learned to put her head down and work hard “despite whatever obstacles were put up. And when you fast-forward into an age where everybody wants to see what your emotions are and how you respond and all that... It’s really a different environment in which we find ourselves now.”

Clinton first sat down with Burstein for interviews just a few days after the 2018 midterm results came through with their record number of women elected to Congress. The former first lady and Secretary of State regards the anger-fueled impetus that drove so many women to run for political office as the silver lining to her 2016 defeat. “She doesn’t feel that it’s a tragedy, so why should I depict it that way?” said Burstein. “She’s not bemoaning her existence every day. She’s like: Okay, what’s next?”

Sitting in front of me in a nubby tweed blazer, Clinton said she tries to be realistic about the progress women have made during her lifetime. “A lot of legal barriers have disappeared, and that’s a big step. So now we deal with all of these pent-up stereotypes and judgments about what women should and shouldn’t do or should and shouldn’t be. And we have all these forces—political and ideological and religious and financial—arrayed against further progress. And we have a president who is a willing tool. He doesn’t believe any of this stuff. He has absolutely no core beliefs whatsoever.”

Clinton won’t endorse anyone in the primary, she told me: “I just want whoever can beat him to get the nomination. Beat him in the Electoral College. That’s all I care about. I’m not going through this again!” she said, dissolving into laughter once more.

I asked Clinton if she ever thought about what she’d be doing in a parallel world where she hadn’t moved to Arkansas and married Bill. She evaded the question, telling me she moved there because she wanted to decide whether to marry and just fell in love with her life there. But then I mentioned to her William Gibson’s new novel, Agency, which takes place in a world where Hillary is president.

“Oh, I’d love to read it!” she gasped, asking for more details. In our own reality, “I’m not the president and I got more votes. It’s so crazy! So I’m interested in somebody writing something about a different ending.” She smiled and wailed, “I want to live in that world!”

(Link)

#Hillary Clinton #Eek so she's going to read the alternative universe Hillary Clinton and I am living for it

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dropsofletters · 5 years

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hold on to silence

title: hold on to silence pairing: zhang yixing/reader genre: manager!au/office!au summary: zhang yixing, better known as oh sehun’s and park chanyeol’s stoic faced manager, makes her extremely nervous. be it the dimple that appears whenever he smiles or the way he speaks to the p.r team with such professionalism, but it haunts her. what could she do to talk to him without making a fool of herself? type: fluff/humor word count: 10,949 a/n: you can read pcy’s story in the same universe here!

The more human life develops; the more crucial social media becomes to them. Thinking about it, quite thoroughly, very rarely can you encounter a person that has never tried to even have a social media account. People look at their phones more than they would ever look at their loved ones; relationships start with a text instead of having to talk to one another face to face and every beautiful moment has to be saved in a picture, posted somewhere with a caption from a song. The worst part is that even when social media calls itself out as an obvious way of people to disconnect from society, by also being surrounded by fake and picked memories, she still chose to work with subjects like that in her job. Public Relations always sounded enticing, inviting, and her shy personality might have gotten out of its shell if only she tried hard enough.

Each morning, she has to take care about more Twitter and Instagram accounts than she is proud to admit. From captioning celebrities’ pictures, to basically sorting their ‘following’ account and also picking out what they should like or not, she feels like she is living the life of, at least, ten people, but it is exactly what her work consists of. She makes sure that celebrities seem perfect, because it is totally healthy for their followers to see them being poised, beautiful and also rich. Cue the sarcasm in there, she thinks it has its bit of toxicity, but it is what pays the bills—and sometimes, she gets to learn a thing or two of the gossip that flutters around showbiz.

The best part of the PR Department that she works in is the break room. Not only is it spacious, with beautiful glassed windows and a view of the city ahead of them, but it also brought her peace and quietness. Most of the time, she enjoyed just staying there during workhours, bringing her laptop with herself only to continue with her tasks. Most of the time, she settles down with a cup of tea, coated heavily in honey to keep her awake, listening to soft songs in repeat as relaxation overtakes her. it feels like she has a place in the world, only for herself, and although she had to get out of there sometimes to talk to other people in her team or to show her boss that she is, indeed, not napping there but working, it is her little getaway.

That morning, people are chatting a little bit more excitedly and she doesn’t pay much attention to the subject, greeting whoever passes her way and taking a seat by the small table on the break room, closing the door just after she puts her laptop down. The place is as cold as ever, with the barely-there sunlight peeking through the windows, the coldness seeping through her fingers quickly, making her pull the sleeves of her sweater down. She gets ready to check on the social media of her clients. Possibly, she would have to write some speeches or some public apologies, but she always leaves that for last.

She pulls her bomber jacket over her shoulders, sitting down on her usual spot and getting to work. Most of the time, she thinks people find a way of contradicting themselves in a few aspects of their lives. Someone like her; that doesn’t like taking pictures, that doesn’t know what to post in social media in regards of what she thinks, that would much rather have the earth eat her alive instead of speaking in public—decided to do something along the lines of a nine-to-five job dealing with public relations. She’s a publicist, a few years in the field finally leading her to working for one of the biggest entertainment industries not only around the country, but also around the globe—and that multiplies for a few clients, for she doesn’t work for only one of them. Maybe, she tried to find a way to use her words to reach people, even though no one would even guess that their idols had a whole team of people behind them watching their every step so they did, said and felt just what was right.

Celebrities and marionettes are alike, coming to think of it.

The air around her switches to work mode for, at least, four hours before she realizes that lunchtime has arrived and none of her coworkers had even passed near the break room to grab their meals and share cups of coffee. Perhaps, that’s why she liked the break room so much—it was a place where they could talk, or where she could hide, two good things in a very well decorated spot. She stands up from her spot, rubbing her hands against her arms before hiding them inside her bomber jacket, wrapping her arms around her waist to do it quite literally. Her steps are heavy as she moves out of the break room, peeking her head out after she opened the door to see the group of publicists gathered around the center of the small office—one of the many reasons why she preferred to be away from that place, after all, there were around twenty publicists in a place where they could only be a maximum of twelve people—, all seemingly excited for the new man in the room.

She can see his profile, slightly wide nose highlighted by his silver brimmed round glasses. His black hair was pushed to the side, black and elegant to match his sweet eyes. His lips rested in an ever-lasting pout, even when he speaks to a member of her team. He is gorgeous, practically taken out of a magazine in that blue suit of his, hugging his slim hips loosely and giving a glimpse of the broadness of his shoulders. Surely, she had seen good looking men a few times in her life, but she doesn’t think she has ever seen someone that nice looking.

That leads her to give a few steps back and hide behind the door of the break room, in hopes that she isn’t seen.

It is childish, oh God, is it childish. She feels like those kids that hide whenever they meet someone knew, and she knows that is how she used to act when she was much younger, but now she is an adult. Publicist Nam makes a face at her from far away, having noticed her presence. The man was older in age, definitely around his sixties, in love with organization and his job. He thinks that going to work is the start of a new day to do something great and the thought is admirable, if only their jobs weren’t about controlling people in one way or another. He is also a quick learner, taking a few technology classes before he became a master in social media. His Facebook posts are proof, in one way or another.

But the old man doesn’t know what a filter is, what embarrassment consists of and maybe that is why he is happily married, and not divorced. Maybe, in his younger days, he was as straightforward as he is right now. He calls her name, loud and clear as he tells her to come over to where he is, and the moment she walks out from the behind the door, she sees that the man in the suit’s eyes are already over her. He seems surprised, as if he has seen a ghost, and Publicist Nam takes this as a cue to introduce her.

“This is the woman that will be working alongside me with the clients you are talking about.” The old man introduces her, calling her over with a movement of his hand and she shies away almost immediately. Although, now she recognizes who the man in the blue suit is. The manager of the very famous and extremely adored model duo that had taken over the world, Oh Sehun and Park Chanyeol. Perhaps, their friendship and their existence altogether was a publicity stunt—but for the majority of her days, she thinks that it is real, to the point she figured out that managing their social media accounts and their speeches should not be as difficult as other cases. She has treated with celebrities that are the complete opposite of what they showed to the public.

The man in the suit fixes his glasses before they fell from the bridge of his nose. His face remains stoic, his back straight, his hand coming up to shake hers as he bends his waist down slightly in the form of a bow. “Hello, I am Zhang Yixing. Manager and representative of Sehun and Chanyeol, two models from the entertainment company you are working with.” The way he speaks, like he owns the world and he knows it like the back of his hand, like there are depths inside his brain to be studied, but also remaining humble in between it all. She is awestruck, maybe because she doesn’t normally introduce herself to people—or because he could have made this meeting so much easier if only he sent her an e-mail! She feels embarrassed, not only because she is looking at a man that is the magazine-cut of the type of man that she would dream about on a good night, but because she can’t even look him in the eye.

Muttering her name, she barely glances at his eyes before a shaky breath left her lips. Was it a chuckle? She will never know. “Ah…but you already know that, right? Publicist Nam said it…” She pulls her hand away, looking around the room to find something that could save her. Now, she has gotten a good glimpse of the two models they are going to be working in—but if she knew that their manager, in all his serious glory, would be that much of a heavy presence in beauty, both from his voice and his looks, she would have definitely questioned the company for not giving him a modelling contract. “I am very happy to get to work with you, Sir.”

She swears a dimple appears on his cheek when he smiles. She should definitely be acting more professional; not like she has seen the fuckboy that she used to crush on when she was in college. But there she is, absolutely delighted by the man that chuckles at her words as if to calm her down. “I’m happy to work with all of you, too. I actually planned to come here to meet the two of you and get to know the publicists of my models.”

Always the charmer, he adds. However, Publicist Nam has something more to say. “Actually,” He starts, always confident in his work. “This one…this one is excellent at her job. She might be young, but she’s just like you. Very given, very driven, everything people in this business need nowadays.” What?! Now, the old man that she has worked with for the past few years has never been quite the one to give compliments. He thinks that a cup of coffee every two months is enough of a ‘thank you’ for most of the things she does for him, like teaching him how to close certain tabs and how to save pictures on Instagram to see later, but she had never thought that he would give her a compliment. Let alone compare her to someone that look as put together as Yixing.

“Really?” Yixing seems interested, crossing his arms over his chest and watching as she gives a faint smile. Now that he is not looking at her, completely and politely inclined to look at Publicist Nam as he speaks, she feels like stealing a few glances at the man. “Then, I would be enchanted to have you work with Sehun.”

“Oh?” She asks, lifting her gaze when she realizes he is looking at her.

“Yes, Oh Sehun.” She almost wants to laugh, because it seems like they are in different wavelengths. She was just trying to get him to repeat what he said, but he had just clarified her ‘oh’ as if she was mentioning the name of the model he manages. Now, if that doesn’t scream exact opposites, then she doesn’t know what does. “Sehun is a nice kid, but he has a hard time with liking pictures that he shouldn’t or not knowing how to explain himself when he gives a written reply…I feel like, since you’re so good and you have a fresh mind, you’d get along well with him.” Yixing sighs, turning to look at her coworker with a slight frown on his face. “You could be Chanyeol’s publicist. He knows a lot about introducing himself to the public, but he’s not used to the celebrity lifestyle, so I need you to make sure he doesn’t commit any stupid mistakes. Is that okay with you?”

Yixing is not authoritative, quite the contrary, it feels like he is adding himself in the mix of working with the models, and he surely is. The worst part is that, although he has a busy schedule and probably has not slept in a few days if his eye-bags are anything to go by, he stays there and instructs them in the type of work he wants done from them. Nonetheless, she can’t even look him in the eye, cursing at herself for being like that when she has Yixing there for only one evening. From what she knew, it could be the last time she saw him and she would like to even at the slightest keep a mental image of him, and his number would definitely not be a problem if she had it.

And she gets it, but because it’s her job.

But the thought of texting him alone drains her from any energy. Her coworker has a good laugh out of this, saying something along the lines of ‘younglings and their dramas’, and she knows she is probably being overdramatic…but there’s something about him that turns her into a complete mess consisting of shyness, and deep within her she makes it a decision to change that. But how?

🏢

A month goes by quickly, and without talking to Yixing—outside of the common e-mail every now and then—she manages to do her job. Although, she doesn’t know if she’s happy or disappointed about that.

Perhaps, she should be happy, because that means that her job as Oh Sehun’s publicist is going as smoothly as the honey in the tea she has every morning whenever she gets to work. But at the same time, she just knows how in touch he is with, not only Publicist Nam, but also the rest of the team. Everyone seems to adore him, saying that Yixing is nothing less than a wild card. Incredibly warm and inviting, but also funny in his own way; he says unexpected things at the most proper of times, perfect to break the ice, to have people bursting into laughter while he stares ahead with a confused smile. Yixing is also a workaholic, just like her, she has managed to hear from a few of her coworkers and that is one of the main reasons why she clutches her phone as if it would fly away from her grasp at any given time.

This is not a small problem that she is dealing with, and Publicist Nam would kill her with his own wrinkly, bare hands if she does not call Yixing. Sehun and Chanyeol had gotten on a scandal on the fourth day of Paris Fashion Week, where Chanyeol was accused—or more so rumored—to be breaking all ties with Sehun to have a solo career. Now, her fellow publicist had moved with Chanyeol as quickly as possible just to have him speaking about the subject, leading her to write down a speech along with Sehun. Something that clears the waves of uncertainty around the modelling duo; the problem was that she had sent her e-mail with the speech to Sehun a day ago, along with a few texts apologizing for the interruption but also asking him to read off from that speech a few times and give his intake on the subject on an Instagram live, perhaps. To seem more genuine, that is.

And Sehun hasn’t answered, quite obviously, he is busy strutting down the runways in Paris, probably getting his hair and makeup done—but she need to address this problem as his publicist before she is fired from her job.

Her only option is to call Yixing so he can inform Sehun that he should move quickly, but she is too scared to do it. He probably doesn’t even remember her, she thinks, or he will be weirded out at how softly she talks over the phone in fear of annoying him. She wants to hit herself on the back of her head with a pan, because this is simple social skills that she should have. Handsome or not, Yixing is a coworker to certain extent, and she should talk to him as normally as she talks to the other members of her team. The problem is that she knows, that even deep within that tiny space in her brain that has romantic feelings every once in a while when she is bored, she thinks of him as a potential dateable person. The rumors about him haven’t helped, either.

Of course, it is stupid. And her coworkers tell her so.

Almost with his entire mouth filled with pasta, Rocco, one of her coworkers, speaks to her about the subject when she voices out her worries during lunchtime. “Hey,” The man slurps, making her scrunch up her nose at the sound before hitting him on his toned arm. Rocco is the type of man that everyone looks at when in a room, extremely tall, somewhat defined, dark skinned and with a radiant smile. Also, the worst table manners that she has seen in her life. “We went out with Yixing two weeks ago for some drinks and I can tell you that you’re just overthinking it.”

Ashley, an exchange worker that got there five years ago, speaks from her spot as she twists her fork against her empty plate. Still hungry, she seems to be. “She’s overthinking it because she thinks Yixing is cute. Half the office knows this, Rocco.”

She scoffs from her spot, not wanting to voice it out even though it is quite clear. “How would you know that?”

“You’re shy in most occasions, don’t get me wrong.” Ashley defends herself, tucking a strand of her hair behind her ear before taking her friend’s phone in between her fingers. “But you’re extra shy whenever he is around. The only time you have looked at him straight was the time you two met, because you always end up hiding when he comes visit.”

Now, she feels like a child that has been captured in their wrong rendezvouses. The attraction that she feels for him brings her to act like this, it pushes her to the edge of wanting to hide behind the nearest subject so she wouldn’t have to make conversation with him. One awkward silence and it’s done. Perhaps, it’s childish of her—and she should really change that—but it is a stigma that society has pushed upon her. If the conversation is not interesting, then don’t start it. That’s exactly what she thought, and it’s so wrong that she feels like she has stopped herself from living a lot of things in the past. “Aw, no, no. You don’t do that when you are into a guy.” Rocco adds, cleaning his mouth with the back of his hand before pointing at her, almost accusingly. “You take that phone and talk to Yixing. I don’t know how you’re doing it, if you’re going to have to change your voice or not, or if we’ll have to write down a script for you to read, but you can’t simply hide when you’re that pretty and that great.” Those words have her smiling, partially because Rocco is never the type to give compliments and she has known him for well over five years, but also because they are right. Not that she would do anything about it, though.

“That’s what I tell her.”

“It’s not that simple.” She argues against Ashley, who seems to be fishing through her phone for something that she can only imagine is her password. Nonetheless, when she tries to take her phone away from her, Ashley leans back until she is out of reach. “What if I make a fool of myself? What if I end up slipping up on the fact that I think he’s very attractive and I end up ruining it for everyone. Or for my workplace, I wouldn’t be able to look at him in the face—”

Ashley scoffs as if it’s nothing, and it probably is for someone like her. She lives free-spiritedly, something that she should be picking up on now that she is an adult. It has been years since she hit that mark in adulthood and yet, she feels like her dating life has yet to settle down for her expectations. Ones that she couldn’t reach when, quite clearly, she couldn’t even talk properly to an attractive male. “I dated four guys in this office and two of them are married now. It’s not awkward, just two adults that hit it off once but that changed. It’s adulthood, honey.”

“Ash—” Before she could continue, she feels Ashley pressing her phone against her ear, making her widen her eyes at the action.

“I’m calling Yixing.”

“What?” She mouths before she hears the sound of someone picking up on the other end, bringing a shiver down her spine in utter fear. She places her hand against her forehead when she hears Yixing call her name in a questioning manner. Her mind is already making up the sentences that she should say in that conversation, perhaps a good morning—or more of a general greeting, since he is in Paris—, ask how his day has been before she moves on to the most important subject. Sehun and his scandal. However, her brain is moving too fast to bring the words to her mouth and instead, she comes up with a simple question: “Wait, how did you know it was me? I have never given you my number.” What follows soon after is an awkward chuckle from her, watching as Rocco throws his head back with silent laughter at the sound that left her lips. She closes her eyes tightly, thinking of pretty lavender flowers in a garden instead of worrying about what she has just said.

Yixing chuckles, giving her an answer in between small stutters. “I, uh, hah, see…it’s…I asked Sehun for your number just to have it…and…I hope you don’t mind?” How could she, when she imagines his cheeks dusted in a color of rose pink, falling a bit upon his dimples along the way? It’s not a huge boost of confidence, she feels just as fidgety as before, but to know that he asked for her number to someone else—that had to show some interest in something; work related, most likely. “Is there anything going on? I—”

“Yes.” She interrupts him, not thinking twice of the action before she breathes through her nose softly. Maybe this is an opportunity so she can finally talk to him like a normal person would, but she realizes that barriers exist for a reason. She wants to believe that the wall she has constructed around herself whenever Yixing even nears the place where she is in, comes from some kind of sixth-sense that tells her that trying it out with Zhang Yixing is the mathematic equivalent of pain. No one wants to go through that. “Ah, I know you’re in Paris with Sehun…Could you tell him to check his texts and emails? I sent him the speech that he is going to give in the Instagram Live but he hasn’t given me confirmation.”

On the other end, she hears a soft sigh. “Sehun has been so busy. Chanyeol, too…but I will tell him.” The sound of his voice is strained, as if he has been living off caffeine and stress. Normally, his quiet tone lingers with thoughtfulness, a little bit of innocence and overall sweetness, but now she can imagine just how many jobs he has to carry on his shoulders. “Chanyeol’s been too busy flirting with this makeup artist, too, so be aware if there’s any rumors about that.”

“I don’t think there are…” She trails her voice as she runs her fingers over the table. “Are you okay, by the way? You sound really tired.”

There is a moment of silence, one that tells her that a thick white line separates the two and she has just crossed it. Yixing is so professional, so given to his job that he probably deemed her as unprofessional. Even worse, as childish. However, he cuts her off before she could think more about the matter. “I’m okay. Just tired. Really wish I could have a hot-dog right now, you know?”

Chuckling she does, because she can imagine Yixing basically getting home and stuffing his face with food. He would probably look less put together than he does at work—his hair would be down, for once; would also possibly change his suit for something more comfortable. The thought of Yixing in a simple t-shirt and jeans shouldn’t be as inviting as it is, like mental candy for her to munch at when she blames herself for even finding him attractive, but there is something about duality that has always gotten to her. Deep within her, she wonders if Yixing is more than what he shows to the world. “Definitely.” She replies, the silence settling between them awkwardly.

“Is that all you wanted to ask me?”

She widens her eyes at that. “Oh, goodness. I am probably interrupting something important, right? I am so—”

“No, no. I just thought…since you’re calling me…that you would want something else. I don’t mind talking to you.” Right. It’s not like Yixing can clearly see through her thoughts in real life, let alone through a call. He doesn’t know that she wants to hear his voice, to cut through the ice that interposes between their possible friendship. But, they are complete opposites—while she likes to binge-watch shows as if it was her last day with a TV screen, Yixing likes to spend the times he is not working with friends and family. She listens to hyper songs with happy endings, while Yixing likes his sad ballads or dance beats. She has heard so much about him, enough to know they are opposites at their finest. “At all. Since, we’ve never really talked—”

“But that was all I wanted to ask you.” She closes her eyes tightly, mentally hitting herself for even being as cold as she is with Yixing.

“Okay, alright.”

“Alright.”

“Do you—?” Yixing clears his throat, as if something got stuck in between his vocal chords and he needs to cough it out. “Are you going to…to go to the PR Team’s welcoming dinner party they are hosting for me?”

As far as she knew, she was not going to even think of attending. Yixing on his natural habitat of professionalism was interesting enough, but she knows that if she actually gets the opportunity to meet him—she might actually talk to him, and spill her mind out on different ideas. The thought was exciting, and now she wonders why she wanted to stop herself from having joyous moments sometimes. “Uh, sure…I would love to. Yes.”

“Okay, good.” Yixing repeats and she stares at the lilac walls around her. As if mocking her, closing around her out of pure excitement. “See you there.”

“See you.”

Once she hangs up, she feels Ashley’s arms wrapping around her neck, ruffling her hair with her knuckles as she speaks. “What did he say? I am so winning that bet, Rocco.”

Rocco rolls his eyes from his spot, standing up before pointing at his friend. “You’re not. You’ll see. She won’t even be able to talk to him.”

“Geez, thanks for the hope.” Rocco hisses the moment he realizes he said it right in front of her, smiling gleefully soon after.

“Sorry.”

🏢

The worst part is that she actually doesn’t want to go to Yixing’s welcoming party by the time the day comes by, no matter how many teas she had to better her condition with the flu, but her runny nose alone is a problem that she doesn’t want to deal with in front of Yixing. She stacks papers together with a frown over her face, trying her hardest not to pout as she sees everyone around the office dressed to the nines. Meanwhile, she is wearing the same coat she has worn ever since she got sick three days ago, opting for the most simplistic of outfits. She tries her best to do her job, although the headache she has only makes her sigh deeply.

What a disgrace. What a fucking curse she has, that whenever a man she likes comes around she finds a way to destroy it. And maybe she should blame her immune system here, that had plotted to have her completely sick for the only day that Yixing had asked her to be there for him. Sure, not straight-forwardly, but still he had implied it in the call. She downs another glass of water, cringing at the soreness of her throat before deciding to call it a day. Be damned the moment she decided to go to work that morning, as if she would magically get any better.

She looks for her keys in her purse, ignoring the sound of the office’s door opening as she hears chatter around her. It nears the time where they get to go out, and she still has to work on some emails of sorts, but she has decided to leave everything for tomorrow. The only thing she wants to do is curl herself up in a blanket, watch some movie until she falls asleep, sickly but yet happily, because being home is better than being at some damned office with the flu—

And then someone calls her name.

One would think it was Publicist Nam, wanting to understand why his wife had stopped being his friend on Facebook. Perhaps Rocco, asking if his legs look too long in white pants. Hell, even Ashley wanting to borrow her—probably flu covered—lipstick, but all those choices die down when she looks up to realize who it actually is. Zhang Yixing, sporting bags under his eyes and the same glasses as always. Looking like a daydream, but the screech she wants to let out would definitely belong to a horror movie capable of inducing nightmares.

Be gone his professional attire, to be welcomed by a striped long sleeved shirt and a pair of nice fitting grey jeans. She looks down at the purse on her lap, perhaps because this is the only afternoon in which she is actually at her desk and also because Yixing had to come here, out of all people, and it was even worse that she had not expected him to come anytime soon. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid! She repeats over her head, trying to think of a good, long excuse that takes her out of that situation before Yixing sees her with her puffy, sick eyes; dry lips and unkempt hair.

“Hey. How’s it going? I haven’t seen you in so long.” Yixing starts and no she begins to wonder how she is even going to tell him that she isn’t going to his welcoming dinner party. It makes her even sicker, because this is not exactly a tale of rejection…it’s a tale of being sick, and having to stay home to rest.

Without thinking of any other matter, she comes up with the first excuse that she can come up with. “My earring!” She feigns, dropping to her knees to hide under her desk as she cusses softly at herself. The greatest acting skills were given to someone else at birth, it seems. She pretends to move her palm around, patting on the floor only to hear Yixing hum confusedly.

“You lost your earring?”

“I think so.”

“Oh, really?”

She’s not even wearing earrings to start with, having forgotten them in her vanity earlier in the morning, but bad situations need equally as bad excuses as a solution. “Yes…” She trails her voice, hiding her face before she hears the sound of someone’s knees cracking, and when she looks to the left she realizes Yixing is right beside her. Also looking around the floor, but with the light of his phone turned on, Yixing seems to be worried about her. “Uh, no! I’ll look for it, don’t—”

“How does it look like?” Yixing asks, trying to find her gaze but she keeps hiding. Perhaps, that’s how it will always be. As much as she wants to show herself as a person to Yixing, just to see if they could establish a conversation, life will always do twists and turns to have her hiding from him. “…You don’t have earrings on.” He whispers and she thinks she has been caught, smiling softly through a clogged nose. “Did you lose both?!” Mortified he seems, widening his eyes as a madman because this is impossible! She would chuckle, really, if only she hadn’t lied to him.

“…No.” She replies, not even noticing that she was touching her earlobes in between her fingers. Yixing tilts his head to the side, like he always does when he is confused, expressive through his every motion. “I—Uh, I felt embarrassed to have you looking at me like this…since I am sick.”

Yixing’s hand hesitates before he places it over her forehead, as if to test she has a fever. “You shouldn’t be embarrassed,” He starts. “Getting sick happens to everyone. Are you still going to the dinner party even when you feel bad?”

“I don’t think so.”

“That’s for the better.” The man confesses before he stands up, lending her his hand to take as she does the same. Once up her feet, she can’t help but feel embarrassed under his gaze.

“I really wanted to go, though.” She complains, sniffling softly thanks to the flu.

“I know you did.” Yixing replies, soon after hearing his name being called by one of the people at the office—

“Xing, come take a picture with us!” This shows that it has been a while since Yixing was introduced to the office, and while she is barely melting the ice in between them, everyone has already established some kind of relationship with him. Charming, he was, and the way he smiled with his dimples in full display as he asks for a second makes her want to get to know him better.

“Get better. Okay?”

“I will.”

Be damned men, or opportunities to actually date one. Her bed is a way easier option of finding warmth and a cuddle buddy, much more with the last set of pillows she got a few months back that were fluffier and longer than any other one she has ever had. She is watching a reality show of sorts, too tired to even reach for the remote on the other side of the room as she settles for some old program that includes a lot of fake relationships. Just like real life, really. And that’s sarcasm.

Her eyes are droopy and her sleepiness flickers like an old light. She wakes up to sleep again, doing it over and over again, sometimes the show changes, other times she wakes up just in time to see the ending of that episode and then, she’s back to her on-and-off-again relationship with dreams. By the time she feels like she truly has gotten a good grip on her sleep, she hears the sound of someone ringing her doorbell. In her mind, she can only think it’s some kind of murderer trying to bother her at an ungodly time of the night and nobody has time for that.

But then her phone vibrates and when she reaches for it, she perks up at the name of Yixing.

“Hello?” She asks rushedly, standing up from her bed to hear her doorbell. Both in the call and in real life. She tries to look for something to cover her pajamas with, perhaps a coat or anything of that sort, picking up the one she had worn at work as she hears Yixing speak.

“Hey. I’m driving Rocco home and we’re at your doorstep. I wanted to bring you food, warm and nice, for your flu.” Those words make her stop right in front of her door, pondering if she won’t melt in a puddle at the cuteness of his words. She swears she hears his teeth clanking thanks to the cold, shivering because of the weather, and by the time she opens her door, she sees that indeed, Yixing is very cold and very much making her smile at the mere sight of him. She hangs up her phone, placing it in the pocket of her coat—now that she is thinking of it, she must look ridiculous—and Yixing grins at the mere sight of her. “I brought you some options…” He pushes the plastic bag towards her way before humming. “Didn’t know which one you’d prefer.”

“You shouldn’t have, Yixing. I’m touched—”

“Don’t be.” Yixing says, his hands interlocked right in front of him, twisting his fingers slightly and having them dance along with one another. “I…I knew you really wanted to go, and since I actually thought of you the entire night, I brought some food for you.”

He did what the entire night?!

“Thank you.” She says, hearing Rocco honk Yixing’s car with impatience. “I take that as Rocco is drunk and being an impatient baby.”

Yixing sighs at that. “Yes. All of those. I don’t know what I’m going to do.”

“Drop him in the middle of the street and say you never saw him again.” Yixing actually laughs at that, his eyes crinkling softly at the action before he nodded his head.

“Won’t do, but I will see you any other day.” That’s always their promise, or the promise she silently makes for herself. She will talk to him any other day. She will see him any other day. She will try any other day, but this time, she says it out loud:

“It’s a promise.”

🏢

It’s the first time she is ever at a photoshoot and it surely is out of this world. The lights, remotely harsher than natural ones, enough to have everyone seeing the most miniscule of spots around your face. That pimple that you tried to hide? Yeah, good luck with that—because it will be seen. The air is thick with makeup products, hair products and a lot of perfume. People are going around and about, music blasts from somewhere in the sound of a nicely pitched pop song that must be in the charts and Publicist Nam is supposed to be standing at her side, away enough from the duo of models that had taken over the world.

But no. Of course. Things never really go her way, and Publicist Nam is giving Chanyeol a sermon while the hairstylists work with his hair.

Calvin Klein. The name alone makes her feel like she doesn’t even have to be there. Sure, she is not blind to the amount of campaigns that have gone around for the brand, or the fact that Sehun and Chanyeol are the main faces of the brand near a big part of Asia, but it damn right feels like it is a whole new world. She clutches her folder to her chest, because she is there to make sure the interview that comes after the photoshoot turns out to be right—months after their scandal, six months at a maximum, perhaps, Chanyeol and Sehun were still targets of the mass. With Chanyeol also being rumored to be dating, it has only gotten worse. She has to be there, as Sehun’s publicist, and part of his team.

Yixing is somewhere in there, too, talking to Ashley that had decided to tag along and the woman has been trying her hardest to simply get him to say something to her. The subject of her curiousness or what she wants to get out of him? She doesn’t know, but she has known Ashley for long enough to figure out that she won’t tell her. She has also known Yixing for six months by then, perhaps a little bit more or a little bit less, and she has to cross that barrier of simply having small talk with him in some dinner gathering.

It’s nearly impossible.

The reason?

Yixing barely has time to get away from his phone, let alone go have dinner with the PR Team.

The moment she hears someone smacking their lips near her ear, she immediately jumps and touches her chest to feel her heartbeat. She looks to the side, seeing Sehun standing there while Chanyeol laughs on his side, slapping the man across the shoulder like how he does whenever he is cackling. She doesn’t think it is remotely funny, but maybe her concept of funny is different from the ones those two have. In their white robes with god knows what kind of un-clothed attire they have underneath.

She doesn’t really want to know, she figures out, and Sehun talks the moment she opens her mouth. “How have you been? We haven’t seen you in so long.”

The conversation goes better than she planned, or it starts nicely, making her relax softly as she breathes through her nods and gives an affirmation. “I’ve been good. Just been trying to keep up with everything at my job. How are you two doing?” Sehun gives a similar answer, but Chanyeol seems to be puzzled in his spot. “Did Nam tell you something about your girlfriend?”

Chanyeol’s eyes shine the moment he hears the title, but there is not a smile on his face to match. It seems things are difficult for him, and even though his career is launching like a rocket from the moment the year began, there are plenty of things that are going against his favor, too. “Basically wants me to break up with her as soon as possible.”

“I tell him to keep the relationship, if that’s what he wants.” Sehun points out and she nods her head in understanding.

“We could work out the kinks of your rumor and just…just figure something out so you don’t have to break up with her.”

Instead of lingering on the subject any longer, she feels Chanyeol poking at her shoulder, a smile spreading across his face that matches Sehun’s once they share a glance. “We have a question. Actually, well, I have a question but I have pushed Sehun enough to have him wondering, too.” He crosses his arms over his chest, making her raise her eyebrows in utter fear. What kind of question could this man have? “Do you hate Yixing?”

Oh, hate is such a big word. She hates a lot of things—waiting, for once, irresponsibility, maybe, and definitely noisy neighbors, but she wouldn’t ever dare to say she hates Yixing. If anything, she looks up at him and wishes she gets the time to talk to him. Which she never does, and maybe that is karma making her pay for hiding from him, or it’s some kind of sign that reminds her that Yixing is too busy to even have those kind of romantic thoughts along the lines of crushes and dates. They are adults, and perhaps he just wants to go straight to the point. “No.” She replies curtly, shaking her head with a smile. “No way.”

Sehun hums, nodding his head. “I told Yeol that your lack of communication with him is a way of ignoring you’re basically attracted to him.”

She gulps at that, choking on her saliva and responding in between coughs. “W-What—What?”

“So you don’t think Yixing’s handsome?” Sehun asks, making her raise her eyebrows.

“Come again?”

Chanyeol groans at that. “Good looking. Nice to the eye. Beautiful. Gorgeous. Eye-catching—”

“Why would you want to know that?” She puzzles.

Both the men reply at the same time. “Just curiousness.” Even they seem surprised at their coordination, lifting their hands to high-five each other. “So?”

She rolls her eyes, gripping her folder tighter against her chest as if covering her heart from any daggers sent its way. “I’m going over to Ashley and completely ignoring that question, because it’s none of your business and I also see it as highly unprofessional.”

Chanyeol whistles at her response. “No wonder you’re part of PR. That was the most PR answer I’ve heard in my life.”

“I do my job correctly, I guess.”

But with wobbling steps and squatting down slightly as she passes in front of the studio lights only to apologize soon after, she realizes that anyone could tell that she is really into Yixing. Of course, she has yet to get to know him, but through the distance and working together, they have seen a majority of their facets with one another. She knows his professional self and she is intrigued by what his other side could be. Ashley claims that there is not much more to him, when she asks her, that Yixing equals his job and his job is Yixing. There are no lines that blur the two away, or so it seems, but of course there has to be more and she’d be willing to discover it, if only her shyness didn’t get in her way.

She smiles at Yixing when she arrives to where he is, looking into his eyes—because finally, she has gotten used to that—and he gives her one of his infamous grins. However, he turns to Ashley again to listen to what she is saying and briefly, she gets to hear what they are talking about but she almost gasps when she hears Ashley ask: “Haven’t you been working out, Xing? Maybe you should try being a Calvin Klein model.”

Oh no.

Oh, fuck no.

Enough she has with fantasizing about the man when he wears his glasses and his suit, but the thought alone of him being a model has her feeling her ears becoming hot. Yixing doesn’t seem to be equally as bothered as she is, chuckling at Ashley’s comment as if it was nothing and now that she gets a good glimpse of Yixing in his newest fitted suit, she really does notice that he has been working out, even the slightest. “No. I don’t think I’m all up for the modelling lifestyle.”

Ashley laughs along with him. “I thought you were going to deny it because you don’t want to pose in front of a camera in just your boxers.”

“I don’t mind.”

Where is the emergency exit when she needs it?!

Now, it’s pretty difficult to think that professional, suit-cladded, glass-wearing Zhang Yixing would ever be extroverted enough to pose in his underwear in front of a camera, but he is also a wild card. Ashley has pointed out this various times, saying that a good look through his social media shows he is the most amazing of men, but one or two gym pictures can say otherwise. She stares ahead, watching as Chanyeol stands in front of the cameras, some makeup artist fixing his foundation when Yixing calls her name.

“Hey…” Yixing breathes out softly and she looks at him once again, seeing that Ashley is now fixing her makeup by the vanities in the studio and that she is far too occupied looking at the expensive products. “Do you want to drink some coffee? The staff bought some cappuccinos and lattes, so we could have some.”

“I would love to.”

There and then, she finally gets to talk to Yixing. The man who basically only talks about his job, that tells the story of his university years, that simply admits that he didn’t like studying all that much and that he always felt like being remotely close to stardom, for some reason. He sips on his coffee even though it’s hot and he listens to her stories even when she still has a hard time not sounding dumb in front of him. At some point or another, he comments on how cute she is when she starts laughing and she thinks she might be dreaming. The sweetest little excerpt of reality turned into a dream.

🏢

Think of sixty-four years in the world. Sixty-four birthdays. Plenty of heartbreaks, many slices of cake, many awkward smiles when someone sings ‘happy birthday’ to you and then, think about actually enjoying it. She doesn’t know what will happen with her life only she passes that sixth decade of living, and maybe she should not think that far ahead, but it’s hard to do so when Publicist Nam is having a huge birthday party because, in his words, ‘he is not getting younger, so he might as well have a party like the ones he used to have in college’. Perhaps, his parties back then were a lot more tamed than the ones that happen nowadays for college students, but his style is intact as he asks her and a few members of the team to help him with the last few bits of decoration for the event room he had rented for the night.

Her lips wrap around the edge of the balloon, blowing and blowing on the lilac and white colored pieces to tie a knot on the end and let them fly up to the sky. Rocco and Ashley are probably somewhere playing with helium, but she is surprised by the fact that Nam’s children even did so much to have such a beautiful party for their father. Violet was always Publicist Nam’s favorite color, for it’s the color of the office he has worked for…for years. It represents a big part of his life and with the balloons that read out his name and age, it shows just how much he has given out for the PR team. One of the walls is covered in neon lights to match the color scheme, and from time to time she takes a glance at the birthday man that dips one of the many chocolate cookies into the white chocolate fountain.

He’s enjoying his birthday, as it seems.

When she finishes tying up one of the balloons, letting it float to the ceiling, she feels the weight of someone’s hands falling upon her shoulders. Her eyes settle on the person behind her, smiling gleefully at the person that she recognizes as Yixing. His life has been everything and busy these past few months, dealing with a heartbroken model that had just broken up with his girlfriend while also working on Madrid Fashion Week and trying to keep his duo afloat even through the adversities just showed how great of a worker Yixing was. She barely gets to see him these days, but the more she talked to him throughout the months, the easier it felt to ask him how his day was—if he’s feeling well, if the weather is fine, that the team misses him, even though she misses him, too.

He fixes his glasses as he greets her, sitting down beside her to sport that smile of his that she has grown to love. Yixing’s body is cladded in a hoodie that seems to be Tommy Hilfiger—probably gifted by that brand, really—, and while he is incredibly casual for the afternoon, he manages to make her smile, as well. “What are you doing?”

“Just whispering something really special to this balloon.” She jokes around, sarcastically adding that only to have Yixing frowning slightly. He laughs, however, because this is one of the few times he gets to talk to her outside of work—and it’s enough. She doesn’t notice, never really thinks that it is true, whenever Ashley points out that Yixing is clearly trying to get her attention. Why in the world, then, would he always try to make conversation? A better question would be: Why doesn’t she simply let Yixing flirt with her freely?

Yixing takes a balloon in between his fingers, puckering up his lips and inflating before he widens his eyes at her. “W-What? You’re going too fast.”

She feels a bit dizzy, pressing a hand against her forehead as she chuckles. “Yeah. It’s practice, I guess.”

“Did you work as a party clown?”

“Not really.” She adds before lifting one finger up in the air. “But I’m a real life clown, if that works with you.”

“No, you’re not!” Yixing points out, pushing her body slightly while they are sitting before he lets the balloon fly through the air and towards the ceiling. “I wouldn’t exactly compare you to a clown. You and Pennywise are worlds apart.”

She can’t help but feel her shoulders shake at the sound of his voice, in glee and laughter. Yixing is funny without knowing, so innocently that she feels like he doesn’t even realize that he is. That is what interests her about him; past the good looks and the gentlemanly behavior, Yixing was technically always a show. He surprised everyone with his talents and his wit, but past that his confusion and sleepy gazes were a sight to look at. His excitement whenever Chanyeol and Sehun get viral for some picture. His humbleness when she throws one or two compliments at him about how great he has done something. That smirk of his, that speaks of how he isn’t as innocent as he makes himself out to be. “Geez, that’s the best compliment I’ve been given.”

“Oh—but there’s no point of comparison. Ah, sorry. I probably should have phrased that better, right?” Yixing asks, scratching the side of his face before grabbing another balloon in between his fingers.

“No, it’s okay. I got the point across.”

“Stop,” Yixing speaks softly, grabbing her wrists and putting them down before she inflates another balloon. “You’re going to get dizzy. Let me do the rest of the work.”

“I’m okay—”

“Sorry. I can’t hear you.”

“Xing, please.”

“Nope.” The man pops out the ‘p’, the pout on his lips more prominent by the action before she hears the sound of music filling the air. She crosses her arms over her chest childishly, watching as Yixing continued with the task she was doing before. She tries not to think of his lips, how they simply seem too rosy to even be real, how a kiss from him doesn’t seem like a bad plan after a long day at work, but she shakes her head. It took her absolute months to even get ready to talk to him, let alone actually working on the road of getting the man to kiss her.

People start to gather, eating and chatting and drinking, no matter the age or the relation that they had with Publicist Nam. At one point, as she is walking around the room with Yixing while talking, a little boy reached the man and wrapped his arms around his legs as if it was his father, the one that he was looking for. Yixing’s face was priceless enough to have the Mona Lisa changing its importance, considering that his widened eyes and the awkward smile that appeared over his lips had her laughing almost immediately. He, too good for this world, took the little boy’s hand and asked around until he found his father, bringing the two-year-old boy securely to his family. She knew then that Yixing’s goodness went past just the workplace.

At some point, she realizes that talking with Yixing is a little bit like midnight. It feels like they are the only ones in the world, even when they are surrounded by people. He speaks about his childhood, how his mother would have loved to have him in the eye of stardom but he preferred to stay back for now. His stress levels were high enough as they were and in between modelling and music, he would have preferred music any other given day. Yixing took dance classes, too, even though he only promises to show her this fact about himself someday.

When not too many people are around. Almost as if to promise a second time.

The moment suddenly changes when Yixing asks her to listen to some of the songs he likes the most. Seated by one of the tables, closer than they have ever been to the point she c0uld look at the moles on his face with simplicity—the one near his lips, the two on the front part of his neck, that much she noticed. She shares earphones with him, pressing two fingers into it to listen better to the ballads that he oh-so-adores. He seems to be looking for some kind of reaction, inspecting her face as if scared that she is going to judge him. Silly, he is, and not because he tries to be, but because if he enjoys those songs that’s all that matters.

“I…I actually discovered this song when I was in high school. That’s why it’s so sad and moody.” Yixing chuckles softly, shaking his head at his own choices in songs before smacking his lips together. “I still like songs like these, but I could change it to something more upbeat.”

“No, leave that song. I like it.” She replies, not noticing that Yixing stops momentarily to look into her eyes. He smiles, softly enough that one would think that he is faking it, but his eyes tell a million things that she wishes she could read, but she is far too distracted by the moment. For the first time, she has gotten to really connect with Yixing, as if it was a date. Even when there were people around them, they didn’t matter. Only the two of them for one afternoon.

“You’re so cute.”

“Huh?”

“So cute.” Yixing repeats, biting down on his bottom lip as he laughs softly at the sight of her face. Maybe she looks mortified, and maybe she is just as expressive as he is. Awkward would be a way to describe the situation, it would even fall short for how it feels, but it is the endearing way that they have managed to contact one another. Shy glances and stuttering words, like badges of their blossoming knowledge about one another, pride on the form of a new experience. “I—”

But karma arrives. It always does; and while they are shy glances and stuttering words, karma is damn well like the grim reaper to kill the moment in the matter of seconds. She could barely blink when she heard the sound of Publicist Nam’s broken voice.

“Yixing, I didn’t think you’d be able to come!”

He stands up, shaking the hand of the older man before taking back his seat. “I did. I really wanted to be here for your sixty-fourth birthday.” Yixing respects wisdom, and although Publicist Nam might not look like it, his intelligence goes past his job. The old man’s smile changes from existing to being dead in the matter of seconds, replaced by a scowl. There is something bothering him, as it seems, and she knows exactly what it is.

Ever since Chanyeol had a break up with his girlfriend, he had left social media and basically attended whatever he really had to. He went back to Seoul, asked Sehun to keep up with the activities if he wants to, but even a month after Madrid Fashion Week, the man didn’t want to be in front of the cameras, just yet. Publicist Nam thinks that maybe, he was the one that pushed Chanyeol to put his job first before any relationship. “How’s Chanyeol?” And she knew that he was going to ask about the taller man.

Yixing pauses the song that plays from his phone before biting the inside of his cheek. “He’s been well. I really think this break has helped him endlessly.”

“Is he back with his girlfriend?”

“Not at all. They have tried to talk to one another, but she is really hurt, I guess.” The old man seems to be broken down by those words.

“I feel really bad for him. This is all my fault—”

“It’s your job. It was their fault for not knowing how to handle the situation.” Yixing excuses him and she knows, for a fact, that the man has huge respect for the people of her team. It shows that he sees life professionally, that some decisions have to be made and he, also, puts his job before a lot of things. Surely, he still cares about his friend, but Nam’s intention wasn’t actually to break the relationship—just that it didn’t go public.

Maybe, that’s what has always interested her about Yixing. The man is understanding, over everything, like he tries to put himself in the shoes of every single person in the room. His mind makes him think of everyone else before himself, also why his job consists of helping other people out with their jobs—it’s expected of him. It’s expected of him to ask for a picture in front of that neon violet wall but instead of taking it alone, he asks her to be in it. She chuckles and laughs at him, or at what he says, looking into his eyes that show the intention of wanting to get to know her.

It is the way that he looks at life, like he wants to bare his soul through everything that he does. That kind of passion is long lost nowadays.

“Those glasses make you look—” After taking their picture together, she tries to look into his eyes, stuttering the slightest when his gaze stops being on his phone and instead rests upon hers.

“Handsome?” He asks and she wants the earth to eat her alive, because she wishes she could tell him just how beautiful she finds him, inside and out.

She smiles, however. “I was going to say educated, but that works, too.”

Yixing tilts his head to the side, squinting his eyes as if pondering before speaking up again. “I think handsome sounds more like me.”

Is he being honest right now? She wishes she could tell him everything, that she could sit down and simply compliment him in all the bits and pieces that make him himself, but for now she settles for a simple: “Yixing, you’re intelligent, really.”

“But you’re more, so you should be wearing my glasses, then.” The man jokes around, taking off his glasses and putting them on her before she pushes them off quickly, giving them back to him as he laughs at her. “Hey, take my gift!”

“You need them to see. Stop being so stupid.”

“You just called me intelligent before.”

“I—Uh, I—Yixing, you know what I mean.”

And he seems to enjoy her presence, or so she thinks, because by the time they are going to slice the cake, he is still standing by her side. Five hours of talking diligently, energetically, like his gaze only belongs on her and his words can only be gifted to her. She is rubbing her arms, waiting for the moment people start singing the birthday song when she feels someone getting extremely close to her. She looks over her shoulder, almost immediately jumping a bit on her spot when she realizes Yixing’s chest is half-pressed to her back and his eyes are looking at her through his glasses, the sound of people cheering and singing nothing when he looks at her as if he has waited for this moment, as if the cards have been placed over the table and he is ready to bet.

“I am still in the city next week.” Yixing announces, his eyes trailing down to her lips for a moment before wetting his own with his tongue. “Would you…Would you mind a date, with me, you know? I was thinking concert date—”

She thinks maybe she heard wrong, or Yixing is high in the amount of sugar he has had. She is jealous, of not being as straightforward as him, of not being the one that gave the first step, of not finding the words to seduce him into thinking that she is the one in charge. However, there is something about him—about the way he looks at her through his glasses, about his slow movements with their friendship even though he lives a rapid life. Yixing held on to silence, until he finally got her to speak—and now, he’s the one setting the record straight. “Of course.”

“Good.” Yixing smiles, wrapping an arm around her shoulder and bringing him closer to him as a smile appears over her face. Her heart is racing, enough to be heard inside her ears before he speaks lowly. “I’ll make it worth it.”

Months of silence will never be more worthy than those words.

#yixing scenarios #lay scenarios #exo scenarios #yixing x reader #lay x reader #yixing #lay #exo #kpop scenarios #writing #manager!yixing

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licenselesswriter · 5 years

Text

From November to June CH8+

June 25, 2018

- Where you going "Bedroom Floor"? - Maya asks Lucas from her bed.

Lucas just put his shirt, covering his naked torso. Then his boots follow, making him ready to go - I have an interview, so I'm going to my place to get fresh clothes - he lies.

- Can't you ditch that? I enjoy being the big spoon - she pouts with her eyes closed.

- Sorry Mama Maya, but Papa Friar needs a job, and you need to get all the energy you can, maintaining a scholarship it's not easy - he argues.

Maya just buries her face on her pillow - I hate when you are right - she replies and then opens her eyes - For the record, it was your, and Riley's fault, that I have a scholarship now - she says looking at him with a smile.

- Yeah, because it is our fault that you're talented - he replies with a chuckle.

- You sure you don't want to ditch that interview? - she says and gives him "that" look - You know, we can repeat what happened in the hotel - she adds.

- You're evil - Lucas replies and gets up from her bed - Sadly, our daughter needs diapers, and we both know I'm the one getting those, so I will get them on my way back - he adds. He gives her a warm smile and kisses her forehead - See you in a few hours, ok? - he says and left her in the room.

Maya would never admit that, for the first time since her mother points it out, she looks at him as husband material, even when they are just 18.

2 hours later, Lucas walks into a diner, noticing in seconds, a pair of familiar eyes, fixed on him. He walks to his booth and sits in front of him.

While taking a few notes, he takes a sip of his Pepsi - So, you're gonna let me hate you for getting my daughter pregnant? - Shawn asks him.

- I'm taking care of Lacey, I will never leave her side - Lucas replies - if I'm allowed to suggest something, you should drop that fixation about who gets her pregnant and focus on the fact that your daughter loves Lacey and I Love her too - he argues back.

- Nice speech, still, I want an answer - Shawn replies, letting him know that he wasn't gonna be easy.

- Well, that's just sad Mr. Hunter, because I'm not gonna tell you anything, and I'm pretty sure Maya is not gonna tell you either - Lucas says while a waitress came close to their table.

- Anything else Shawn? - the waitress says.

Shawn looks at her and smile - Yes, another Quesadilla, tell Joe that I will pay for extra cheese - he says and then looks at Lucas - Want something kid? - he asks him.

Lucas looks at the waitress - Curly fries please, and a Sprite - he says and the waitress leaves seconds later.

Shawn looked at the waitress leaven and then focus on Lucas again - Look, I like you kid, you're well behaved, you have good manners, you're loyal and surprisingly, too good looking - he says before taking the last bite of his quesadilla - I just hate lies, those only bring bad times to the people around - he adds.

- And you can't give Maya time for her to tell you? I mean, it took her 7 months to tell Riley, I'm pretty sure she will tell you at the right moment - he says while he pulls his wallet out, and left a few bills on the table - I lost my appetite, and Mrs. Hunter shouldn’t be taking my responsibilities - he adds and gets up, leaving Shawn alone.

Josh starts to doubt this was a good idea when Maya sits in front of him that afternoon. He smiled at her but she didn't smile back - Thanks for coming - he says.

- Please tell me you have a good reason for me to be here - she says noticing how a waitress walks to them - Chamomile tea, please - she says while the waitress waits for Josh's order.

- Espresso - he says - And some doughnuts - he adds with his charming smile.

- So - Maya pressures him - Did you ask me to come to tell me how was your honeymoon? because I saw the pictures on Instagram, I follow you both - she adds looking a bit tired.

- Ok, a tough crowd - Josh jokes - I came here to learn the truth, it's the only thing I want, and since Lucas it's not here, we can finally talk - he says.

Maya just looks at him - Didn't I already tell you? - she asks him - She's 3 weeks old and her father is taking care of her at home because he literally forced me to go out with Riley and Smackle, I don't know what else you need to know - she answers her own question.

- Come on, drop the charade, we both know that's not true - he says smiling at her.

Maya smiled back at him - Some people also believe that earth is flat, but that doesn't make it true, right? - she asks him back.

- Maya, I only want the truth, nothing else, if you don't want me to, I will not interfere, I will be like a ghost to that child - he says in a begging tone - I only want the truth and if you let me, I want to help, nothing else - he adds.

Maya just sighs - Fine, you want the truth, I will give you the truth - she says while the waitress came back with their things - Thank you - she thanks the waitress before she leaves - Biologically, yes, you and Lacey share half of DNA, but no, you are not her father, Lucas is her father, he was with me when I had nobody to cry about how the man who gets me pregnant is marrying another woman, he was with me when I was craving peanut butter mixed with paprika and chocolate chips, he was there, while I was crushing his hand while Dr. Sonya was yelling me “Push” - she adds, before taking a sip of her tea.

- He replaced me - Josh states.

- You can't replace something you never had - Maya argues back - Josh, are you happy with your marriage? - she asks him.

Josh gives her a sad smile, knowing where she was going with that question - Yes, I am - Josh answers, completely honest.

- Then why? - she asks this time - You're happy with Marianne, you had a wonderful wedding, you're gonna get tons of kids, and I'm more than happy with Lacey and Lucas, so let me ask you again, why? - she asks him, looking at him dead serious.

- So, you're with him now - Josh says looking at what's left of his espresso.

- Easy there, Shawn Hunter - Maya jokes and smile at him - My personal life it's only a matter of discussion to me and Riley Matthews - she says and finishes her tea - Josh - she calls him and grab his hands - You need to know, I really was in love with you, like, heads over heels - she confesses to him - But that Love withered, and it was replaced with a tiny little girl who I love her more than Riley - she adds and takes one of his doughnuts - I really wish you happiness, so be happy Josh, - she says before getting up and leave the tiny cafeteria.

Maya softly opens the door of her apartment and it was no surprise to her to find her Mom sleeping on the couch. She smiles at that sight; she was up for doing something like that. She slowly walks to her room when she heard him and quietly get to the door of the nursery.

- What did you say? You want me to sing one last song for you? - Lucas asks the little baby in his arms, while he softly swings her, and the little Lacey grabs his finger.

Maya would never admit it, but for her, It became a habit to spy on him when he's taking care Lacey, in some way it amazes her how he was able to show that amount of Love to someone who isn't related to him, but then she remembers that in paper, and through the 8 months since he discovered her pregnancy, he was her father.

- Everybody wanna steal my girl, everybody wanna take her heart away - he sings to the little girl in his arms, who slowly was falling asleep.

Maya takes out her phone and starts recording him sing, covering her mouth to not give herself away.

- Couple billion in the whole wide world, find another one 'cause she belongs to me - he finishes before putting Lacey on her crib again - Please, please sleep till tomorrow - he begs her, and Lacey just closes her eyes for her father.

10 minutes later, Maya decided it was time for her to intervene - Who would think that you would be that good as a father? - she jokes lowering her tone.

- How long have you been there? - he asks in the softest way he can.

- Enough - she answers and gets close to the crib to look at her daughter - Let's get you a coffee - she softly says and grab his hand, dragging him out the nursery.

They go to the kitchen in absolute silence to not wake up Katy.

Lucas sits in a stool in the kitchen while Maya pours coffee in the One Direction mug, she gets him for Father's Day.

- Want some sugar "Steal My Girl"? - Maya asks him.

Lucas rolls his eyes - I knew it - he says defeated.

- Don't worry, I think it's cute - Maya says while she warms more water on the electric kettle. They both keep silent for a few minutes until the kettle informs them that the water was warm - I saw Josh today - she suddenly says.

Lucas didn't react, which makes obvious for Maya that he doesn't like that.

- Bet he had fun in his honeymoon - Lucas comments before taking a sip of his coffee.

Maya put some mint chocolate cookies on the counter and pour some water in her cup with decaf - Yeah, I forgot you hate him now - she says and sits in front of him.

- Nah, not anymore - Lucas replies and grabs her hand.

- Your face says another thing “Steal My Girl” - Maya jokes

- Do you Love Lacey? - he asks her.

- You know the answer to that - Maya answers and Lucas just squeezes her hand for a real answer - Yes, yes, of course, I Love my daughter, she makes every day happier - she then answers.

- I happy with her too - Lucas says and then grab her hand and put a soft kiss on it - If you're happy, I'm happy and that little baby is happy, then I don't have time or space to hate anyone - he adds.

Maya felt how a tear falls from her left eye, and fastly clean it - Stupid hormones - she justifies her tears making him laugh - Hey, in this house we don't laugh at a woman who had children a few weeks ago - she says.

Lucas takes a cookie from the plate and devours it in a second, then take a sip of coffee - You’re regretting it? - he asks her.

- Need to be more specific “Steal My Girl” - she says, avoiding his question.

Lucas just looks around, to be sure Katy is not around - About letting me be her father? - he asks in a soft tone.

- What? No - she laughs at him - Are you? - Maya asks him.

- I've regretted a lot of things in my life, this is not one of those - Lucas answers - I even thank you for letting me do it - he thanked her.

Maya just pats his shoulder - Don't make me find you more attractive, please - she teases him.

- Unaffected by that, I'm wiser, I'm a Father now - he replies.

Maya caresses his hand before looking at him - Are you staying tonight? - she asks.

- You want me to stay? - he asks her back.

- Well, yeah, you're pretty useful when I don't want to get up - she jokes.

Lucas just looks at her giving her a fake offended face - The audacity - he says - Ok, I will - he adds - Just need a second to check on Lacey and I will join you - he says before letting her hand go and walk back to the nursery.

Maya looks at him walk from her, and for a second, she reprimands herself. This thing with Lucas has been going on and off since Josh’s wedding, he staying at her place, they both sleeping together, he waking up when Lacey starts to cry in the middle of the night, he did everything she ever wanted her father did for her.

But that was all, he is a great father, and since Riley is still hurt from when he breaks her heart, he’s pretty much impossible for her.

No matter how much she wanted that to change.

When her mug was empty and the silence reign in the room, she walks to her room, once there, she changes into her pajamas.

Lucas walks into her room and sits on her bed - Awwww Lil Mama Maya wants to be big spoon? - he teases her.

Maya smiled at him and lay on her bed - Awwww Stupid Papa Friar wants to sleep in the floor? - she asks back.

- I don't like where this is going - Lucas says and lays next to her.

Maya just snuggles to him and find really uncomfortable that she can't cover him completely - Fine, you're right, you be big spoon - she gives up and turns over.

Lucas just chuckles and turn over to her, sneaking his hand under her side to hug her tightly against him - I like when you're the big spoon, but this makes more sense - he adds before resting his chin on her shoulder.

Maya just caresses his hands over her belly - Turn the lights off Papa Friar - Maya says to him.

Lucas turned off the lamp - You're wishes are my commands, Mama Maya - he replies and let her shampoo scent take his tiredness away.

September 9, 2024

He looked up to his apartment, and instantaneously a feeling of joy shows inside him when he saw the lights on. At a normal pace, he walks the stairs till he gets to his door before he could even put his key inside, he heard a laugh that makes him smile. He slides his key and opens the door, only to see Maya eating Pizza - What happened with the teriyaki chicken I made? - he asks.

Maya gives him a smirk - A cat break-in and drops the pot with your chicken - she lies.

Lucas walks into the kitchen and saw the food in the trash can - Did you saw the cat? Because I have the impression that it was a blonde cat - he says. He opens the fridge and some kale and other vegetables.

- Yeah, it was a blonde cat, how did you guess it? - Maya says with a tone filled with sarcasm.

10 minutes later, Lucas sits next to Maya on the floor and put a kiss on her lips - I think I know that blonde cat - he says with his forehead pressed against hers. He kisses her again - Speaking of blonde cats, where's Lacey? - he asks.

Maya just smiles at him and give him a piece of pizza - With my parents - she answers.

- Ohhh - Lucas says and softly grin at Maya - So that's why you put my food on the trash can, you knew you're gonna exercise tonight - he flirts with her.

Maya just laughs at him for trying that - Wow, that's cheap even for you "Pillowtalk" - she says softly letting her hand rest over his crotch.

- Yeah, like that wasn't cheap - he says and gets up fastly, lifting Maya from her hands and pressing his lips against her neck when she was close enough.

Maya let a soft giggle escape her mouth before opening her eyes in surprise, remembering why she sends Lacey with her parents - Wait, wait, there is something I need to do before this - she says.

Lucas just chuckles - It's ok, I want to pee too, but you can go first - he fastly answers, only to be punched in the chest.

- It's not that - she replies - It's something more important - she adds.

Lucas looked at her like she was joking and after a few seconds, he realized she wasn't - ok, I'm getting nervous, but ok - he says and sits on the couch.

- Relax, it's nothing bad, well, that's depending on your thoughts about the subject - she says sitting next to him, only to take a pause.

Lucas was able to hear his heartbeat and he fears the worst.

- You know - she starts, making him nervous - We've been a parent Tag-Team for 6 years now - she says and put her hand up for Lucas to high five her, which he does in the second - And a couple, for how long? 3 years? - she asks him.

- Are you breaking up with me? - Lucas asks her, feeling real concern about his future, feeling how his stomach was revolving.

- More like the opposite - she clarifies, giving him some peace.

Until he realizes what her words mean.

- I know we have feelings for each other, you've confessed them every time you have tequila and I play "slow hands" on Spotify, me, I've been more secretive about those than you - she jokes, making him blush - I know what you feel, and you know what I feel, what do you say "Pillowtalk", you want me to make an honest man out of you? - she asks him.

This time, he was the one who takes a pause, making her feel worried for a second.

- Maya, if you're joking about this, I promise you, we are so over - Lucas threats her in a nervous tone.

Maya just laughs at him - Why would I joke about this? - she asks him and then kisses him - I do want to form a family with you, a legal one - she adds.

Lucas just smile and she knew his answer - Nothing would make me happier - he answers before kissing her.

Maya smile at him, feeling how a warm feeling was expanding all over her chest - You sure? because I make a stop at Victoria's Secret today, and I was planning on using that to lure you into my web - she jokes before kissing him again.

- Yeah, I know for a fact that would work with me - Lucas replies while Maya gets up - Where you going? - he asks. The only response he gets was a warm shirt on his face - Ok, I'm game - he says before hearing her laugh.

#GMW #Lucaya #Lucaya Fanfic #From November to June #Lucas x Maya #And that's all #It's a wrap #This will join my finished projects folder #Thanks to everyone who reads this

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polaroidofus-89 · 5 years

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‘Lover’ song-by-song breakdown [part 1]:

Long before @taylorswift joined Tumblr (and a billion thousand of Swifties with her), when this website was still unknown to most of mankind, I always made a post about my first thoughts on the album, writing down my opinion and rating each song at the end of release week. The first time I did this was with Speak Now and I created a chart to rate Lyrics, Chorus, Bridge and whether the song is a Skip or not. The only time I skipped this post was during the reputation era because of reasons I explained back then - if you want, I’ll send you the link to that post.

This time, however, I must make this a two-part post because a) I just came back from my holiday today, b) I always listen to it three times before writing this post (right now I am on number 2) and c) this album is freaking long!

So here’s the charts (chorus and bridge rated 1-5; lyrics rated 1-3):

Chorus: 1- meh, nice; 2- good; 3- very good; 4- just magic; 5- PERFECTION

Bridge: 1- good, did better; 2- good; 3- quite perfect; 4- RIP ME. DEAD.; 5- BRIDGE CITY ALERT!!! (was previously BRIDGE HEAVEN... guess why it changed? lol)

Lyrics: 1- good; 2- great; 3- AMAZING

Also, since I have been more active lately and some very cute and amazing blogs started following me, I want you all to take part in this breakdown because I would love to read your thoughts and your ratings on each song!

So please, please, please join me in this adventure. Six months from this date (when we will all know the songs by heart), I’ll bring it back to see if anything has changed.

Anyway, here’s the first part of my breakdown... hope you enjoy it!

1. I Forgot That You Existed

Chorus: very good Bridge: good, did better Lyrics: good Skip? No Favorite lyrics: none in particular

Alright, say what you want but I am a sucker for sarcastic and provocative songs from Taylor; they always are filled with such irony and smart remarks… I just can’t help adoring them and memorize them from the first listen, going around humming the rhythm all day long. It happened with Mean, WANEGBT, Blank Space, Shake It Off, IDSB and TIWWCHNT… so it was obviously going to happen with this one too. I also think it would’ve made one hell of promo single – just sayin’. I am in awe of Taylor’s attitude towards people that hurt or badmouth her after being in some kind of relationship with her: she does not comment at first, letting them rant and have their little moment of glory. Then, when everything seems over and forgotten, she strikes back and I enjoy EVERY. SINGLE. MINUTE. OF. IT. This one I had been waiting for a long time because a certain someone DEFINITELY deserved it. The way a person behaves towards somebody AFTER their relationship ends says a lot about them and this particular individual proved to be childish, petty, arrogant and very immature – not to mention awfully mean. You can’t act that way about someone you’ve been with for ONE ENTIRE YEAR, someone you were supposed to be in love with. I hate this post-breakup kind of behavior and I had hoped so freaking hard that reputation would’ve had a song like this. But we have it now and secret sessioners were right: it is the most amazing way to start an album. What I love most about this song is the entire second verse: got out some popcorns as soon as my rep started going down, down, down/laughed in the schoolyard as soon as I tripped and hit the ground, ground, ground/ and I would’ve stuck around for ya/ would’ve fought the whole town for ya/would’ve been right there front row, even if nobody came to your show. I just know that it will make feel the person who inspired this song ashamed and won’t allow them any kind of response because it isn't hate, it isn’t love… IT’S JUST INDIFFERENCE. And I’m so proud of her for this.

2. Cruel Summer***

10/10 Chorus: PERFECT Bridge: BRIDGE CITY ALERT!!!!! Lyrics: great Skip? HARD NO Favorite lyrics: “Devils roll their dice; Angels roll their eyes” “what doesn’t kill me makes me want you more” “I don’t want to keep secrets just to keep you”

Secret sessioners were onto something again: Out of The Woods stans would be suckers for Cruel Summer… I can confirm that is, indeed, true. This track feels like summer sunsets, road trips and a sequence of lovey-dovey moments straight out of a rom-com. I absolutely adored the lyrics on this one! I mean “what doesn’t kill me makes me want you more”, “no rules in breakable heaven”, “devils roll their dices, Angels roll their eyes”, “and if I bleed you’ll be the last to know” … what are we even talking about here? And don’t even get me started on the bridge: once again the Swift-Antonoff combination proved to be a winning choice. It’s Taylor Swift at her best and I have nothing more to add. This track is one of my favorites of the entire album and I am hoping it’ll be her next single.

3. Lover*****

10/10 Chorus: magic Bridge: RIP ME. I DIED. DEAD. Lyrics: AMAZING Skip? NEVER IN ANY LIFETIME Favorite lyrics: “have I known you 20 seconds or 20 years?” “I’ve loved you three summers now honey but I want them all” “My heart’s been borrowed, yours has been blue all’s well that ends well to end up with you”

When Lover first came out, I asked my boyfriend ‘do you think this will be my favorite off of the album?’ and he said ‘no’. He was not wrong at all: Lover and Cornelia Street are battling in my head and in my heart for ‘favorite song’ on the album - I swear it has never been so difficult for me to decide! This track is just pure magic; every time I listen to it, I have a picture in my head of slow dancing during my wedding day and it always (always!) makes me emotional enough to shed a few tears. Honestly, it just gives me poetry vibes – it is that beautiful to me. I absolutely adore this one. This track is also one of my favorite songs – if not my favorite at all.

4. The Man***

10/10 Chorus: PERFECTION Bridge: very good Lyrics: AMAZING Skip? NEVER IN ANY LIFETIME Favorite Lyrics: “I’m so sick of running as fast as I can wondering if I’d get there quicker if I was a man”

When I read the interview in which Taylor played this song and explained it to the journalist, my excitement multiplied infinite times. Whoever said Taylor Swift is not a feminist should now go and sit in the corner, thinking about how idiotic such a statement is. This track perfectly summarized what a woman pursuing her goals in life has to go through daily and how hard it is when the world thinks you were born with the wrong attribute in the lower part of your body. It is very provocative and sarcastic, a real national anthem for women. I’m so very proud of her for writing this song, you have no idea. Of course, it has quickly earned a spot on my ‘top favorites’.

5. The Archer***

10/10 Chorus: good (pre-chorus is what I really love) Bridge: BRIDGE CITY ALERT!!! Lyrics: AMAZING Skip? NEVER IN ANY LIFETIME Favorite Lyrics: “All the king’s horses, all the king’s men couldn’t put me together again” “awake in the night, I pace like a ghost, the room is on fire, invisible ghosts”

Ah, the power of number 5! This song is life! The thing I love the most about this track is the way it speaks so much on an emotional level, using very little actual words. With track 5 we always got a very descriptive song: she wanted to tell us about an extremely delicate, heartbreaking moment in her life and walked us through the entire story with the lyrics. The Archer doesn’t give us a story, doesn’t talk to us about a distressing moment in her life… it tells us about a feeling – more than that, it gives us that feeling. The anxiety you have when you suffered one too many bad knockouts in life and you are always ready for something bad to happen, always ready for someone to betray you or leave you alone again. It’s a paralyzing fear, almost like you can’t breathe and the fact that Taylor was capable of putting it all into words… I just love her so much, you guys! Though not my favorite Track 5, it does get both a spot on my top three Track 5 (All Too Well and White Horse are number 1 and 2) and on my ‘top favorites’ for this album.

6. I Think He Knows

Chorus: meh Bridge: good, did better Lyrics: AMAZING Skip? Sadly, yes.

Ugh, this is a moment I hate very much. This is one of the only two songs I didn’t particularly like on this album. It breaks my heart to say this because I love both the lyrics (which I think are some of the best on the entire record) and the concept behind this song. But the rhythm just doesn’t feel right, it doesn’t speak to me like all the other songs do… something is just off. That being said, it is still a very good song. Let’s just say, I wouldn’t mind at all if it didn’t make it on the Lover Tour setlist. I know a lot of you love this song and I tried very hard to change my mind about it, but I just know it will be a skip for me.

7. Miss Americana & The Heartbreak Prince

Chorus: very good

Bridge: magic

Lyrics: great

Skip? No

Favorite Lyrics:

“I’ll never let you (go), ‘cause I know this is a (fight), that someday we’re gonna (win)”

This one is absolutely incredible - also, my boyfriend’s favorite. It’s You belong with me older, more mature and melancholic sister. The bridge is what really made me fall in love with this track: one of the best she has ever written.

8. Paper Rings

Chorus: PERFECTION Bridge: quite perfect Lyrics: AMAZING Skip? Definitely no Favorite Lyrics: “I hate accidents except when we went from friends to this” “I like shiny things, but I’d marry you with paper rings”

OMG THIS SONG! This song is so so so cute! I love it! It’s fun and catchy and makes you want to dance so hard! I’m really looking forward to seeing this song performed live. And don’t even get me started on the chorus: I like shiny things, but I’d marry you with paper rings… are you kidding me? Tell me this is not the most amazing declaration of love you have ever heard! Once again, I agree with secret sessioners: it does give Stay, Stay, Stay vibes and I’m totally here for it. These are the kind of songs that I missed the most during rep era and I’m so happy that we got Paper Rings, you have no idea!

9. Cornelia Street*****

10/10 Chorus: PERFECTION Bridge: quite perfect Lyrics: AMAZING Skip? NEVER IN ANY LIFETIME Favorite Lyrics: (too many to count) “I rent a place on Cornelia Street I say casually in the bar” “that’s the kind of heartbreak time could never mend” “as if the streetlights pointed in an arrowhead leading us home”

When the tracklist came out and we found out about the Cornelia flowers Easter eggs I just knew that this song was going to hit very hard in the feelings: it was the only Easter egg she has repeated plenty of times, ever since Me! Came out. When we found out that she had written this one by herself, my expectation flew to the moon and back. It did not disappoint in any way: I LOVE THIS SONG! It’s so soft and romantic, my heart can’t take it! I also very much liked the production on this one. Seriously, one of Taylor’s best song for me. The reason I can’t decide which one between this and Lover is my ultimate favorite is that whenever I am finally convinced about one being it, I listen to the other and I’m stuck again. I don’t know if that was clear enough for everyone to understand but… yeah, I’ll let you know if I ever make up my mind.

#taylor swift #taylornation #Lover era #lover #westandbytaylor

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steve0discusses · 5 years

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Yugioh S2 Ep 44-45: Kaiba Hallucinates a Dead Woman and Then no One Talked About it???

So, for the record, I am writing a little bit to the future here because I did make a little bit of buffer. And this episode had a Hella Random Thing in it and I just want y’all to know I try to create an authentic reading experience--although it’s not like a blind riffing, I clearly watched each episode twice to make the caps and write all this stuff--and I do it one episode at a time so you get a somewhat close to a realistic live cap experience, but like, believe me when I say I did not see this coming.

At all.

And if any of you were watching this at home and saw this happening then you are lying OR you have been writing a very creative fanfic and this fever dream was also shared by that one guy on this writing staff who really really really stans Seto Kaiba. Lets dive into it, shall we?

Things start out pretty normal, as we are yet tucking another hospitalized person into Kaiba’s floating coma ward.

I’m starting to notice that this room also has sheets which just means when they got to Bakura, they just didn’t feel like tucking that nasty boy in. They looked at him covered in blood and grime and whatever other sweaty layers are all over Bakura and were like “None of us like Kaiba, but we don’t want to do that to his linens.”

And then the episode starts with Joey literally saying this

Now in the actual line of the show, Serenity stayed behind because she wanted to be strong for Mai, a lady she looked up to so much for all of 3 hours. She also said that her brother’s strength inspired her to have the courage to stay well below deck and whatever the hell nonsense was going on up there.

I mean courage is a word you could use to describe it, I would just call it common sense.

Also, look at this Christmas miracle.

I like that someone on the animation team was like “How else are they going to know that Mai isn’t wearing the disk? Draw it on the table. We have to.” and then bam there it is. That is one super random detail.

(more under the cut)

At the top of the blimp, they’ve decided to give Marik a little bit more space.

The Yuge crew must’ve looked at this situation and been all “I can stand next to Marik, or I can appear to root for Kaiba.” And they made their choice.

Below deck we get to see one of my favorite things, that’s right, it’s fake UI for TV shows.

these look like windows you pull up in Maya when you’re trying to find the right vertex or something. Maybe that’s what inspired all this? I dunno, it’s very silly that he would need the same image of a card twice, and that he would need one flipped and in wireframe. Especially since all they're doing is translating a language.

Or maybe he’s just been dogging Kaiba for half an hour before this episode started? Who knows, but honestly, I kinda have to side with Kaiba on this one, moving Mai would be a bad choice since there’s doctors--right there--but like...they should land the blimp though. Like the blimp with a murderer on it maybe needs to land at some point?

But never mind that, there’s cards to be played.

Or...not played.

It takes Ishizu so long to show up that Roland almost cancelled the game and I was so ready to not have to watch a card duel. I was so ready for that to be the canonical end of Ishizu but of course that didn’t happen.

PS, Marik is permanently glowing now.

Kaiba still doesn’t believe in magic and this guy has a constant third eye. So did Yugi all of last duel and Kaiba was just like “I don’t get your weird fashion” and tbh that’s a fair assumption to make.

To be fair, they probably only have once source of not cursed jewelry living underground, and it’s probably why their so matchy-matchy. Like, we all have that one Aunt (I was that one Aunt for a little while) with an Etsy shop and way too much inventory that they just give away to family every birthday and holiday. Judging by how much jewelry these two are wearing, their one Aunt isn’t doing so hot selling her merch.

Anyway, Marik’s good side makes an attempt to reach out and it doesn’t get him very far.

Honestly, when you look at it, there’s more people here from Kaiba’s extremely close school class than there is from the Ishtar family. And they don’t even know that Odion is also related. Sort of calling the kettle black here.

Again, ancient Egyptian Samurai with Yugioh cards would have been one hell of a spinoff with so many problems, where is that anime?

So, the game begins, between a mostly-neutral-antagonist and a protagonist who has done nothing but lock herself in her room in the dark for about 1/4 of a season. I have literally no idea who I’m supposed to be rooting for. Neither does anyone on the show.

Things went about as well as you’d expect dueling a psychic, because Kaiba has learned absolutely nothing from dueling Pegasus.

*Mokuba still has the whistle*

Anyway, because Ishizu can read the future, she knew she’d be going up against a dude who relies on very big strong dragons, so she straight up removed every strong card from his deck, leaving only six cards.

It’s at this point that he only really has one option, to play a Blue Eyes White dragon, which he had in his hand still, or to play the God Card Obelisk which I think was still on field? Again I don’t pay too much attention to the duels but the big thing is that he’s gonna use Obelisk, so Ishizu cursed it so it would hella kill him.

Much like any of the God Cards have done thus far. The worst cards. These are the worst cards and at this point no one should want them anymore. But youknow, hubris.

This is all pretty run of the mill since every time Kaiba duels, he gets hella dunked on, but then...this happens out of absolutely no where.

WHAT?

SHOW.

The least dateable guy in Yugioh!? How is it Kaiba--a past version of him mind you--but a shirtless Kaiba who’s got some lady draped across his arms like he’s gotta model for the cover of a Harlequin romance novel for old ladies? Which...I can arrange that.

Why--out of all of these boys, was it this one that has something the most resembling a fully formed relationship? More so than Tristan, more so than Yugi, more so than whatever was going on with Joey last episode.

What!?

WHAT?

This came out of no where like a jump scare!

And like, here’s the thing, if Kaiba was your slice of pie from the weird ass hair dessert tray that is Yugioh’s selection of husbands, that’s fine. Ship away. But like, imagine with me here, you have a boyfriend--and if you don’t like boys that only adds to this experience--you have a boyfriend and he has the most normal hair of anyone you know, and that’s really great. But his voice ALWAYS sounds like he’s announcing an NBC cop drama. Like you’re eating dinner and he’s like “Can we watch the food channel?” like he’s solid snake.

You’d kill him. You’d kill him way before you end up dead draped across his arms in some weird flashback. You’d straight up kill him.

Sorry, I just made him a lot more attractive for half of you. Whatever, my plan backfired.

But, despite...how...he is, now Seto has one of the most tragic of all the relationships on this show, up there with Pegasus and his dead wife. And so like, I turned to my bro and was like “WHY IS NO ONE TALKING ABOUT WHAT JUST HAPPENED??”

Cuz this show that has very, very little dating in it. A show that has had no physical kissing unless you count that time Pegasus macked a ghost. A show where someone almost got married to someone they never dated in their life and they shrugged it off. A show that had Mai and Joey friendzoning the hell out of eachother rather than admit any sort of crush. A show where Tea and Yugi went on a date but then I guess forgot that happened 20 episodes ago and are now in permanent friend limbo. (Tea and Yugi so far having the most realistic dating experience tbh.)

This is just straight up here’s a picture of past Seto, and his dead wife is here too, no explanation! Have fun digesting that!

(wouldn’t have noticed they forgot to finish Yugi’s necklace if I hadn’t done the cap. hm. So fast I blinked and missed it until I wrote this copy.)

And like, I’m making it seem in these caps as if these characters talked about what I just witnessed in any degree and straight up they didn’t. Of course they didn’t. Kaiba didn’t want to discuss this crazy ass thing that happened. Just me. I am the only one that’s talking about this in 2019. Just me.

So I turn to my bro and was like “you have to tell me what just happened” and bro was like

“Sorry to disappoint you but...I’m pretty sure that dead girl never comes up again.” and then he kind of continued “I’m pretty sure Kaiba sacrificed his one true love in order to get his Blue Eyes.” and I realized “Bro, is this just a headcanon you made up? Are you telling me your spicy Seto Kaiba fanfic as if it’s true just like that one time you told me that Yugi’s Grandpa ate a guy in Egypt and I believed you for 30 episodes?” and bro was like “Mmmmmm It’s probably a headcanon. I’m pretty sure they dropped Kaiba’s dead girlfriend plotline completely off the face of the Earth. Like a LOT of plotlines from s2, Rach, don’t get attached.”

So, because Kaiba believes that his.......dragon.......told him to play a dragon, Kaiba sacrifices his Obelisk to play a dragon--thus removing the Obelisk curse.

So if it’s strongly suggested that Kaiba’s love for this dragon is youknow, an equivalent to the devotion you would have a for a dead wife you have cradled in your arms, then -- has Kaiba been dating this dragon the whole time? Is that what the show just seriously suggested to me with this juxtaposition? Because I am an illustrator and if I wanted to make someone look like they had an intense and complicated relationship with a playing card, that is how I would draw it. Just saying.

And like for serious, how is it that Yugioh keeps writing it’s own fanfic? Like, is this dragon infused with the spirit of his dead wife? Is that why his reincarnation has this weird fixation with the Blue Eyes White Dragon? OMG this is absolutely ridiculous, I can’t believe I’m considering that Kaiba was literally married to what is now his paper card of a dragon. Of which he has 3 of.

Clearly I am thinking way too much about this.

I mean to be fair, Kaiba did save Tea that one time. He also took out a helicopter and a crane at the same time but Tea was just fine.

Oh boy.

That was so freakin random. Well...I’m glad that Kaiba got back together with the dragon. They had sort of a breakup at the beginning of the season and now KaibaxDragon is back in full swing. Good for them.

This was the only guy smart enough not to play a God Card, PS. This guy. I guess if Seto fell in a plot coma the entire tourney would be essentially over, so...it had to happen this way.

But dead wife, amiright?

Here’s a link to read from S1 Ep1

And PS in case you don’t know about the Billionaires and Baby’s books that have--I swear to you, like 400 books in the series--please admire the billionaires and babies books. Never read them. But I like to spread the news of these completely insane and real book covers wherever I go.

#Yugioh #yugioh recap #photo recap #s2 ep44 #s2 ep45 #seto kaiba #seto kaiba's dead wife #yugi muto #did I mention that seto kaiba has a freakin dead wife #joey wheeler #how do you just glaze over seto kaiba's dead wife omg #serenity wheeler #ishizu ishtar #tristan taylor #duke devlin #mai valentine #marik ishtar

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surveys-at-your-service · 6 years

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Survey #158

nsfw warning, there’s quite a lot of sexual questions in this one.

Where was the very first kiss you had with the last person you kissed? My back porch. Do you have a best friend? If you don't count Sara, no. As a kid, did you ever get in trouble for drawing on the wall? No. What are your #1 priorities in life? My mental health. Have you ever had your mouth washed out with soap as a kid? Been threatened with it, but no. Do you believe in a lot of conspiracies? The only one off the top of my head that I believe may have some credence is the "our world is a simulation" theory. It sounded ridiculous to me before I learned more about it. If you're into this stuff, I totally recommend reading about it, it truly is interesting. I lean more towards that it's false, but. Possible. Being told to eat more is as offensive as being told to eat less? Hm, not sure. I guess it depends on the situation the person is in. Have you ever seen a ghost? I believe so. What emotion are you most likely to hide? Jealousy. Explain why you last ‘had to lie’. Because I knew she'd be mad if I told her the truth, she called me out and I sincerely apologized, told her why I lied, and, as expected, was mad about it. (: Feeling guilty about anything? Not really. Have you ever been through a phase of thinking emo guys were hot? That phase never ended lmao. How old does someone have to be to be officially an ‘adult’ to you? 18. Anything you find gross that no one else does? Probably... but nothing's coming to me. Oh, actually ear gauges. ^ what about attractive? Well I know some people hate most piercings besides ears. Have you ever dated someone that could play an instrument? Well Girt played in high school band, but I doubt he still knows how to play. What makes you nervous? Um everything????? Weirdest picture you’ve ever taken of yourself? Who the hell even knows, but probably those pictures I took with Summer years back. Any bridges near where you live? I mean, no *big* ones. But I mean bridges are everywhere? Do you have a Gameboy? Yeah, old as fuck. What do you do when you feel alone? Most likely talk to Sara. Have you ever traveled by train? No. Do you have a dirty mind? Not especially. Ever had to have someone help you walk before? Yes, after I fainted or when I've been very dizzy. Ever been kicked out of anywhere? No. Do you truly HATE anyone? Not anyone I personally know, but like rapists, abusive people, etc. Most historical/famous landmark/building you’ve been to in your country? No clue. How long does it take you to apply your makeup? It depends on what I'm putting on, but not too long regardless. Favorite flavor for most things? Strawberry or chocolate, depending on what it is. Do you care what people you don’t know think about you? Maybe a bit too much. Ever taken pictures in a photobooth? Who with? Yeah, friends, ex-boyfriend. When was the last time your computer had to be repaired? Now lol. I've been using my sis's old one for months. Do you know how to knit? If so, do you do it often? No. Have you ever flown before? If not, do you ever intend to? Yesss, learned to love it. If I have the window seat. How annoying are your neighbors? The old woman to the left is super nice, according to Mom. Don't know much about the ones to the right, other than my initial judgment is kinda negative just because of how they kept filthy yard sale shit in the front yard for literally months. It's probably very shallow to judge over that, but like. It doesn't make you look very good to keep couches and such sitting out in the elements with the intent for someone to actually buy that. Have you bought anyone their Christmas presents yet? No. What are three of your favorite songs to sing? Hmmm, not sure. Lately I guess "This Is The House That Doubt Built" by AD2R, "High Hopes" by P!ATD, aaaand. I should know this. I sing in the car quite a lot lately. OH maybe "LA Devotee" also by P!ATD, Brendon's just great to sing along with. What is your favorite ride at the fair? Ahhh ferris wheels. But I also love carousels my fat ass will still ride them. Would you ever marry someone who was lower class? I usually delete purely stupid questions, but???? Honestly fuck you if that's a deciding factor??????? Work together to climb out of the lower class, the fuck?????????????? What color is your recliner? We don't have one. Who do you write letters to the most? I don't really write letters, but I've sent Sara a few lovey-dovey notes. Who is a singer that has given you chills? Amy Lee. Do you get carsickness? No. Which style of wedding dress is your favorite? BALLGOWN. What’s a good boy’s name that starts with the same letter as yours? The name that immediately came to mind is Bryson. Name 5 things you don’t believe in. Horoscopes, soulmates, tarot cards/fortune telling, prayer doing absolutely anything, and the fucking outrageous anti-vaxxers. A fucking disease that hasn't been seen in forever came back recently because of their bullshit. Vaccinate your damn kids, for the love of god. If you had all the money you needed and didn’t have to work, what would you do to fill your time? T R A V E L Do you ever get nervous about where your future is headed or are you just going with the flow? Both. Don't know which I lean more towards. Have you ever received a hickey from the last person you kissed? No. Have you ever held hands with the same sex? Yes. What is your mom saved as in your phone? "mama bear." Ever made out in a pool? Maybe very briefly?? I don't remember. Do you change your phone background a lot? Nah. Have you ever made someone so mad that they broke something? No. Do you tend to fall for people who don’t return your feelings? History says not usually. Who is someone you aspire to be like? Does anyone?????? Who reads these????????? Not know??????????????????????? Do you believe in fate? No. You make it. What would honestly be the point of living if fate was true? You're just walking through a story instead of writing it. Do you believe that humans are inherently good or evil? I lean more towards mostly good, judging by how we have a natural conscience. What turns you on? VERBALLY EXPRESSING YOU LOVE ME, sarcasm wars, "make me"/that kind of shit, playfighting, do not grab my hips or it's over, neck kisses, lip bites. What is your favorite type of foreplay? Don't play with my boobs or it's also over. Do you believe in the death penalty? For extreme offenses like rape and murder with no sign of guilt or wanting to heal, fuck yes I do. I'm not even sure if you should give them a chance at rehabilitation. Do you use sex toys? By yourself or with a partner, or both? No, but being with a girl now, I would. Have you ever done role-play? Not irl/sexually because FUCKING AWKWARD, but I'm a serious forum meerkat RPer, in other words it's not a silly/playing around thing, but literally writing a story with others. Favorite sex position? If you’re a virgin, which position interests you? Uhhh no clue of the name, but probably where I'm pretty much sitting on his lap with my legs around him. Favorite dessert? Hmmmm probably cake. What quote or mantra do you live by? Mark's "life hard, shouldn't you be too?" because it's the best inspirational innuendo I've ever heard. Where is the craziest place you’ve ever done it? Uh I guess the floor, nothing really notable. Do you judge people for what they wear or how they express themselves? It depends. Definitely not by what they wear. If how you're expressing yourself is harmful to others, yes, I will judge you. What was the best orgasm you’ve ever had? I've never had one. I was right on the verge once, but panicked and stopped because I was actually kinda fearful with how extreme it felt. And my family was home so I was worried about crying out. Do you shave or trim your pubic hair? Trim a bit, yes, but I don't pay much mind to it. Have you ever/would you ever do anal? Nononono noooot into anything going up my ass. Biggest sexual fantasy? Don't really have one. What’s more important- length or width? Why? I'd imagine length because depth, but I've only done one guy, so I wouldn't really know. There are so many dirty questions in this one. What are you known for by your friends and family? The meerkat-obsessed, very reclusive and quiet weird one. What is a dish you are dying to try? Nothing, really. What political affiliation do you associate yourself with? Independent. I'm such a mix. What is the worst experience you’ve ever had with food? Diarrhea to the point of blood AT MY GIRLFRIEND'S HOUSE FOR MY FIRST STAY after I tried a way rarer steak than I enjoy. My stomach is seeeensitive to "different" food. Do you talk dirty during sex? Not very much, I'm shy. My relationship with my siblings: Not real impressive. I'm not as close as I wish I was to any of them. My relationship with my parents: Good. Mom is everything. What I find attractive in girls: I will find good tattoos attractive on. Anyone. ESPECIALLY SLEEVES. Favorite video game series? Silent Hill. Favorite video game hero? Spyro. Duh. I'm getting a small and adorable tat of him some day. Favorite video game villain? Pyramid Head, if you consider him a "villain." Favorite video game boss? Hmmm as far as fighting goes, most likely Avion from SotC. Phalanx is my favorite in general, but getting on it two-three times is so tedious. Least favorite video game boss? I hate the Cenobia fight also in SotC so much. Takes forfuckingever to get its armor off, anyone who's played that game knows the amount of flailing/losing your grip is horrendous, and if it knocks you down once you're most likely fucked. Do you like t-shirts with text on them? Yesyesyes I'm a sucker for geeky graphic tees. Have you ever had foreign candy? I don't believe so. What’s a candy that you absolutely can’t stand? Twizzlers. Is there any piece of technology you want to buy? PS4, drawing tablet, new phone. When is the last time you bled? Now because being a woman is fun. Would you rather use hand soap or hand sanitizer? Soap. Feel cleaner. How many video games do you own? Lots. Have you ever been to a casino? If so, which one(s)? No. Have you ever visited a sex shop? No. Have you ever had a scary encounter with a wild animal? No. What do you normally do while waiting for your food or drink to arrive? Talk to those with me. Describe one of your most emotional farewells. Me and Jason's final talk. How have your tastebuds changed since you were a child? Used to love peas. Hated mashed potatoes. I was crazy about Sprite, now I hate it. I'm sure there's more. Who was the last person you cried in front of? Mom. What was the worst mistake of your life? Letting someone be my whole world. If you were pregnant, would your parents make you keep the baby? Um, no???? I'm an adult??????? I would only keep it if my life wasn't endangered though. And even then I wouldn't wanna be and the child would be put up for adoption. Have you ever donated blood? Yes. Have you ever been to SeaWorld? As a child, yes. Would never go again because it's fucking animal cruelty. Do you like avocados? asdkjfaowj no. Is your Facebook profile private? Yes. Do you remember your locker combinations from high school? I didn't have a locker in high school, but middle school, nope. Who were your best friends in high school? Jason if you count s/os, Hannia, and Girt. Who was your first boyfriend or girlfriend? Aaron was the first with the title. What insects are you afraid of? Get roaches away from me. And beetles. Who was your first best friend (apart from a sibling)? Brianna. What was your favorite thing to do at sleepovers when you were younger? Hm, I dunno. I guess just talk and play together. What time of day were you born? Noon. What is the best hairstyle you've ever had? I like what I have now I tell you hwat. Do you think you look better with dyed hair or natural hair? DYED. Do you think your look better with curly hair or straight hair? Straight. Do you think you look better with bangs or without? Everyone looks better without bangs tbh. Do you think you look better with long hair or short? Short. When you look at your baby pictures, do you recognize yourself? Not always. What is your favorite thing to do in the pool? Swim around. Cacti or seashells? Ohhh that's hard. I think seashells, but if you include all succulents, them. Dreamcatcher or wind chimes? Dreamcatchers. Have you ever taken a picture at the perfect moment? Hmmm maybe? What color(s) eyeshadow do you wear the most? Black is all I wear. Beyonce vs Rihanna? Probably Beyonce? She has a better voice to me, dunno whose songs I like more. What’s your favorite horror movie? Both of the The Blair Witch Project movies. Would you say you have a high sex drive or not so much? I'd say it's pretty average. I've noticed leading up to my period though I'm usually a horny mess. How do you feel about swallowing pills? Doesn't bother me. I do throw my head back if it's a larger one, though. What animal is the scariest in your opinion? Hmmm. Probably the most dangerous animal, surprisingly the hippo. They charge fast and suddenly and those teeth are fatal. Now if I saw a hippo and I was far from it, I wouldn't be too concerned because I believe if you keep your distance they're good, I wouldn't be too scared. Fear on sight though... probably sharks? Quick and so toothy, plus they might mistake you for prey. I'm aware how rare shark attacks are, but I still wouldn't be out in the open with one. Visually scary, giant squids are just a big 'ole nope. A band or an artist you liked when you were younger, but not so much anymore. Ummm... I dunno. Probably something pop. Or country (I know right, surprising). Come with an unpopular opinion. Don't spank your fucking kids. You're teaching them hitting others is sometimes the answer, gg. What’s fake about you? Like extensions, fake nails, botox etc. Nothing. What’s considered cheating in your opinion? As soon as you're flirting in a clearly non-playful way. What about favorite person to stalk on Instagram? Mark, who knew. What’s the cheesiest thing you’ve ever experienced irl? Idk. Something you feared as a kid but don’t anymore? Needles. The first time I understood I was getting my blood drawn, I deadass bolted, screaming and crying, to hug a pillar thing. Multiple people had to help Mom to pull me away from it lmao. Then when it actually happened, I was just asked, "... That's it?" Who was your favorite teacher in high school? Coach Collie. What are five of your favorite stores at the mall? HotTopic, Spencer's, I would love Victoria's Secret if I wasn't a FAT FUCK, and that's... like it. What is the best gift you have ever given someone? I'unno. What is the best gift you have ever received? My dog. Has anyone ever spread lies about you? Jason's ex spread a rumor we had a baby. Even though it was obvious through all of high school I was never pregnant???? Do you have an alarm system on your house? No. Who do you tend to get in fights with the most? Mom, as far as people still in my life. Would you prefer a small, intimate wedding proposal, or a big-scale, over-the-top proposal? The former, definitely. Do you know how to properly eat food with chopsticks? No. Have you ever gotten rid of something you shouldn't have and then really regretted it later? Not really regretted. What's the best pizza place in your town? Domino's is Daddy. Which planet is your favorite, besides earth? Saturn! Have you ever seen a double rainbow? Ye. Did you win any scholarships as a senior in high school? No, I don't believe so. Skeletons or scarecrows? s k e l l y b o y s Do you like candy corn? Omg no. What seasonal candy do you think is gross? ^ What's one social media site that you're not on? Snapchat. What is your favorite wild animal? Meerkats.

#survey #quiz #questions #random

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simonjadis · 6 years

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Previously, on Dragon Age

I wrote a summary of all of Dragon Age (pre-Inquisition) off of the top of my head, including contents from a couple of novels, for a friend of mine

it’s 18 pages but here you go

Previously, on Dragon Age (pre-Inquisition Summary)

Backstory:

It is said that long ago, the humans who formed the early Tevinter Imperium grew jealous of the land and magic of the ancient elves and their city of Arlathan, so they used blood magic and demons to fuck up Arlathan forever and made those elves into slaves. The Imperium is one of my problematic faves. With the elves defeated, Tevinter expanded and conquered most but not all of the other human tribes.

The dwarves had their underground kingdoms and underground highways called the Deep Roads and they were just sort of that squidward suntanning meme about it all.

Later, some magisters, who are just fantasy senators who are all mages, decided: “Hey, you know how the Fade is the world of dreams, the realm of spirits, and it's also the source of our magic? Let's go there.” So they used a stupid amount of slave blood and lyrium—which is a blue substance that's mined and can be bonus fuel for magic, just like blood—to go into the Fade physically trying to go to this one tantalizing “golden city” in the Fade that's unreachable in spirit form, which is how normal mages who aren't The Most use the Fade. Anyway, it was a disaster. These seven magisters, who had been trying to serve their slumbering dragon gods by doing this, came back as super gross tainted creatures called darkspawn. The darkspawn went underground, wrecked shit for most of the dwarves, and came up with a horde of darkspawn.

This was called the First Blight and it wasn't as fun as it sounds. The darkspawn weren't content to just be directionless asshole monsters, and instead dug up—and tainted—one of those sleeping old gods that the Tevinter Imperium worships. So you've got this big-ass fucked up dragon with god-level powers, whatever that means, and it's also infected with the darkspawn taint. Oh, and even when the army works to fucking kill it, it just respawns, like it's the main character. So eventually, some clever folks came up with grey wardens, who are sort of inoculated against the taint, and because of Reasons they can kill an archdemon (fucked up dragon god).

Unfortunately, it turns out that having a live reenactment of The Return of the King right in the middle of your expanding empire is terrible for the economy. So the Tevinter Imperium was weakened. Oh, it's worth mentioning that they have good relations with the dwarven kingdoms in general, but most of those huge dwarven cities are just full of darkspawn and dwarf ghosts and obligatory video game spiders now.

However, a woman in Ferelden, which was never fully tamed by Tevinter—it's sort of old-timey Fantasy Britain, so picture Mud And Dogs And Freedom—named Andraste was like “hey this would be a great time to marry a warlord and to become Fire Jesus.” She's sort of inspired by Joan of Arc but she's just Fire Jesus. Anyway, she invented monotheism, which always ends well, and her warlord husband led their barbarian hordes to fight back against the Imperium. Also some elves helped because she promised to free the slaves. Eventually, her husband betrayed her (cue the “Judas, no!” vine) and she got burned to death, but the Archon who ordered that to happen put her down with a sword to be merciful. So large portions of southern Thedas, which is the continent where this is set and THEDAS is literally THE Dragon Age Setting, were suddenly freed from Tevinter thanks to barbarian hordes and a weakened Imperium.

That was like a thousand years ago.

There were some more Blights. The Fourth Blight was centuries ago and an elven twink named Garahel killed that Archdemon but honestly his sister was cooler.

Andraste's religion, the chantry, is super racist against elves and even led a crusade (“exalted march”) against the elven homeland because Bad And Naughty Non-Human Polytheists Must Be Cleansed. The Imperium still exists but they're stuck in the past and still have slavery and lack forward momentum tbh. But at least they're a magocracy. The chantry reveres Andraste but technically prays to the Maker, even though there's zero evidence that the Maker exists. In general, the chantry doesn't like mages and essentially owns all non-illegal mages who have to go live in internment camps called Circles, which are like Hogwarts if you had no choice but to go there and could only leave with special written permission and also if you were watched at all times by guards with special anti-magic powers. Templars are awful. Mages who don't go there or who escape are called apostates and technically they're supposed to be arrested but a lot of the time, templar squads hunt them down and kill them because that's easier.

Mages, it's worth noting, can be possessed by spirits and demons from the Fade. If they are, they're normally considered to be abominations which are dangerous and templars then kill them. But also, every Circle mage has to pass something called the Harrowing which is when they deliberately trap you in the Fade with a demon that will try to possess you. If you want to opt out, they make you Tranquil, which robs you of your magic and also your agency and emotions and dreams. In some Circles, templars use Tranquility on mages whom they view as political troublemakers. So that sucks. But some of these internment towers are nicer than others, I guess.

These days, the Tevinter Imperium has its own chantry which is very mage-friendly but otherwise worships the Maker. The biggest religious moment for them is when their Archon (mage-emperor) put Andraste out of her misery. Just about everywhere else follows the southern chantry, which is more anti-mage.

The Dalish elves are just the sad Trail Of Tears elves and they're regarded with suspicion and move from place to place to avoid human settlements. They worship the elven gods. Most elves live in cities, howeer, in ghettos called alienages, and they have a few distinct traditions but for the most part they're expected to worship the Maker—but aren't allowed to be part of the clergy or anything, heavens no.

Dwarves in the dwarven kingdom of Orzammar (one of only two cities that endures) revere their ancestors and believe that the Stone guides them all. They also honor paragons, which are just really good dwarves that did neat stuff one time. Surface dwarves generally “lose their Stone sense” and some may even follow the chantry.

Then there are the Qunari, who live mostly on this island north of the Tevinter Imperium. They want to conquer everyone and make them follow the Qun, which is their absolute garbage religion where everyone's life is planned out for them in advance. Even the leaders don't have real choices; they just live their lives according to what the Qun demands of them. Qunari believe that there's just one choice—whether to exist or not. People they conquer who won't yield are given a substance that turns them into drooling laborers. Qunari regard mages as dangerous things (literally call them saarebas, for dangerous thing) and use them as weapons instead of as people. They kill non-qunari mages because they consider them too dangerous.

Qunari refers to both the race of tall, gray horned giants and also to the adherents of a religion. Incidentally, they only arrived on Par Vollen a couple of centuries ago, after the Fourth Blight, so they're not super familiar with darkspawn. They immediately tried to conquer everyone, and they have some deadly technology like cannons to make that a real threat. But the opposition was a bit much and they don't like that people seem to want to die rather than, uh, become enslaved to a book, so they decided to back off but it's clear to everyone that they're just biding their time. They're still at war with Tevinter, though, and the two keep juggling who controls the island of Seheron.

Qunari who leave the Qun are called Tal Vashoth and it may be that the tall gray horned people as a race are called Vashoth but that's not clear, in game or on Twitter and maybe not even in the writer's room.

Aside from Tevinter and the Qunari, the most powerful nation in Thedas is Orlais, which is just Fantasy France. They're very into Andraste, there. Also, big into anti-elven racism. And pastels.

The only non-Andrastian humans seem to be certain people in Rivain, a city of people with brown skin and a lot of pirates. And, of course, the Avvar, who are sort of Fantasy Vikings and still follow the same polytheistic faith that pretty much all of Ferelden and the Free Marches once followed.

DRAGON AGE: ORIGINS

It's 9:30 Dragon, so 930 years since the foundation of the chantry. The Fifth Blight has begun at the southernmost point of Thedas, in a part of semi-uncharted Ferelden known as the Korcari Wilds. You're in Ferelden.

If you pick the mage origin, you can be an elf or a human (Surana or Amell is your surname), and you go through your Harrowing and help your disaster friend with his bid to escape the Tower. That doesn't go so well but you get recruited to the Grey Wardens because you're the best apprentice mage there.

If you pick the non-mage human origin, you're a Cousland, part of a powerful noble family in Ferelden. Your brother leaves to help the king as he prepares to confront the darkspawn. Your father is due to leave soon. Thankfully, is good friend Voiced By Tim Curry has arrived and will be accompanying him. Everyone goes to sleep and you can even do a gay hookup, but surprise! Voiced By Tim Curry isn't so nice and his troops attack the castle while so many troops are away. You and your battle-mom and your pet dog (super-intelligent mabari hound) murder your way through a whole bunch of people but, like, your sister-in-law and your nephew are murdered and your dad's dying so you join the Grey Wardens. Your mom also dies but she probably kills a lot more people before the end.

If you pick a Dalish elf, you and your friend go into a ruin in the woods and there's a tainted mirror and, whoops, the only cure is to be a Grey Warden.

If you pick a City elf, you're getting straight-married in an arranged marriage when Vaughn Urien comes by because he's a disastrous garbage guy who wants to rape some elves since elves don't have rights. He kidnaps the bride (which might be you) among others. Whether you're the bride or the groom, you're like 90 pounds of pure murder, so you kill a whole bunch of humans and free the women, but one might be dead. Also, the groom dies if you're the bride. You're arrested and then a Grey Warden is like “this elf is great at murder, you say?” And he conscripts you to join the wardens.

If you pick a dwarven noble, which I saw once, your rude brother is murdered by your smart brother, who frames you for it, so you have to be cast out in the Deep Roads to die fighting darkspawn. But a Grey Warden comes by and recruits you.

If you play a dwarven outcast, who live in the slums of Orzammar, I don't even know. You do some dwarf crimes? Dwarves can't be mages.

ANYWAY, a warden named Duncan has recruited you to join the Grey Wardens. He takes you to Ostagar which is a semi-ruined fortress way to the south where King Cailan and Teyrn Loghain are waiting. King Cailan is like a Ken Doll with long hair. He seems to be a beautiful idiot whose father was a hero and, gosh, he'd love to do some hero stuff too. Teyrn Loghain is literally just Scar from The Lion King but less sexy. Loghain is his father-in-law. Also, Cailan and Queen Anora have zero kids.

There is literally a strategy meeting where Cailan says “It will be glorious” and Loghain says “Yes, Cailan. A glorious moment for us all.” So that's great to hear.

You're the warden recruit and you're paired with a couple of redshirts who are also warden recruits. You're paired up with Alistair, an awkward 20-year-old virgin jock whose heart is as big as his penis.

You do some minor quests and you fight darkspawn for the first time and they're awful. You get to cure a sick dog. Also, you meet Morrigan (a shapeshifting mage voiced by Claudia Black) and you even meet her mom, Flemeth, who's voiced by Kate Mulgrew and is clearly more powerful than she seems. Anyway, you head back and you go through the Joining. Duncan tells you that you have to drink a concoction that gives you the taint but in a safe-ish way, but half the people who drink it die. He tells you that you must “master your taint,” and I've seen this scene two-dozen times and never not snickered. Both redshirts die. But you're a warden now.

Now it's time for the Battle of Ostagar, which sure looks cool but, uh, doesn't go so well. The wardens are massacred. The king dies. Whoops, did Loghain forget to charge forward when he got the signal? He sure did. Half the army just opted out of the Battle of Ostagar, which is hard to sell as a strategic retreat because of his ominous dialogue earlier.

The Battle of Ostagar did feature some survivors who were with the King's army, but most were massacred. Or dragged underground by darkspawn.

During all of this, you're the one who braved a tower full of darkspawn and faced an ogre boss fight with Alistair and two new random guardsmen redshirts to light the signal that fucking Loghain ignored because he was too busy being prepared for the coup of the century and for the murkiest scam.

In the end, though, darkspawn burst in during a cutscene and just riddle you and Alistair and (gasp!) the redshirts with arrows. But then you wake up . . . in Flemeth's hut. You're totally healed. You're also naked. Life's like that sometimes. Anyway, Morrigan jokes that her mom transformed into a giant bird and plucked you and Alistair from the tower, which is probably a half-truth. Flemeth also healed you and Alistair. Flemeth is powerful enough that her magic can somehow keep darkspawn away from her house. I have no idea how she casts with Whoopi Goldberg spell but she's very powerful and clearly more than just a mage.

Flemeth sends Morrigan, who is a delightful goth who's still understandably bitter about having been homeschooled, along with you and Alistair. If you either chose the Human Noble Origin and got a dog that way or if you did the Cure The Dog stuff at Ostagar with one of the other origins, you find that this dog imprinted upon you and escaped the carnage. You can even name this dog. Remember the disaster mage friend from the Mage Origin? His name was Jowan. My Surana Warden names her dog Jowan.

Alistair is still sad about Duncan, who was his mentor or substitute father figure or whatever. Morrigan quotes the wise words of Gillian Anderson: I don't feel sorry for men. Anyway, you guys go to a village called Lothering and you see how news of the disaster at Ostagar is impacting people. There are refugees everywhere. The local lord abandoned his holding because it seems likely that the darkspawn horde will strike there next. People aren't sure that this is a proper Blight, because nobody's seen the archdemon, but Grey Wardens can sense it and you even see it in your dreams a couple of times. You do some quests in Lothering. You also find out that there's a bounty on surviving grey wardens, because they “betrayed the king,” according to Loghain. You're joined by a bisexual fwonch redhead named Leliana who is super into Fire Jesus but ALSO super good at murder because of her Mysterious Past. She believes that the Maker sent her a dream to tell her to help you. Sure, Jan. You can also recruit Sten, which is technically a rank because Qunari don't have names. He's in a cage. He also doesn't have horns because horns are too hard to render with helmets it's a rare trait to be naturally hornless and is akin to being a redhead in humans.

Leliana has been working for the chantry for a while but hints that her pre-chantry skills will help her kill folks. Sten wields a big ol' sword. Alistair discovers that the man who raised him before shipping him off to the chantry, Arl Eamon of Redcliffe, is sick and that knights have been sent to find the Fire Jesus version of the holy grail, which is just Andraste's ashes, for a miracle cure. As you leave, you rescue a couple of dwarves, one of whom is a savant at adding runes to weapons and the other of whom is a merchant. They'll follow you and show up at party camp from here on out.

You have Warden Treaties so you can go and remind factions that they're obligated to help you, but there's a smart order in which to do them. I'll just go with that.

First, you go to the Circle of Magi in Ferelden, which is on an island tower called Kinloch Hold. There are stat power-ups here that are more helpful in early game than later in the game. You want to secure the help of the mages, natch, but you get there and find out that, whoops, a Senior Enchanter named Uldred isn't as nice as his name makes him sound. So Uldred led a small rebellion against First Enchanter Irving and the other Senior Enchanters because of some deal that Loghain was making with Uldred. Long story short, whoops, a little bit of magic fights turned into a Demonstravaganza and the whole tower is a mess with abominations running all over. The templars are ready to use the Rite of Annulment which is when they kill every mage, including the children, but they need reinforcements to do so. You go in and you find Senior Enchanter Wynne, a Wine Grandma and skilled healer, protecting a bunch of apprentices and other survivors. She insists on going with you to cleanse the tower so you have to shuffle someone out of your party to accommodate her. You kill demons, a few renegade blood mages, abominations, possessed corpses. Then you get to a sloth demon who lulls you all to sleep so you do the Lost In Dreams thing but, if you're a mage, the Fade is your bread and butter. You do some simple puzzles and you get some permanent stat upgrades and you rescue your friends from some dreams. Alistair has a happy boring family life because he's just a golden-hearted jock. Wynne is like “oh no! All these apprentices are dead and it's my fault. Woe is me.” Morrigan's dream is just her not being fooled even a little bit and yelling at her spirit to at least do a better job if it expects to make her believe that she's at home with her mom. So you escape from the dream and the sloth demon's dead now and you keep on going. You kill some mind-controlled templars.

At the end, Uldred has a bunch of mages captured and he tortures them until they accept possession and become one of his fellow abominations. Uldred sees you and after some Villainous Dialogue he turns into a Pride Demon. You kill him until he dies and then First Enchanter Irving and the others are free and are like “yeah sure we'll help against the Blight but, um, first we need to clean up this mess.” There were some other survivors hiding in wardrobes and stuff so it's not like the Circle's all dead.

You leave and you'll notice on your map that Lothering has now been wiped out by darkspawn. Then you go to Redcliffe because not only is Alistair's other surrogate father figure sick, but he could be helpful in raising political support from the bannorn (lesser nobles; in Ferelden, it's the king, then the teyrns, then the arls, then the banns) against Loghain. And you guys are fugitives. Speaking of you guys being fugitives, there's a random encounter in the road where some lady's like “oh no! Help!” and it's a trap. And the leader of that trap is an assassin—a blond elven murdertwink named Zevran Arainai. You kill the fuck out of these would-be assassins but then there's a cutscene and Zevran's like “oh fuck you're scary; can I join you? I was literally bought by these assassins as a child and have never had any choice about this and also they'll kill me for failing, but you seem good at killing them, ALSO I'm bi and hella good at sex things.” Beyond his sluttiness he's basically Puss in Boots from Shrek. So yeah, you can recruit him.

Alistair will tell you that, whoops, it might come up, but while he knows Arl Eamon and views him as a father/bother figure, his actual dad was . . . King Cailan. The dead one. He is, in this and most other circumstances, just Smiley John Snow.

Then you're in Redcliffe and, whoops, the town is besieged by the undead each night. “But where are they coming from?” you ask. From Arl Eamon's castle. There are some quests you can do in town in the day to help everyone get ready. At night, everyone will be locked in the chantry while you fight off the undead outside. The fighting lasts a while but, I mean, they're just corpses with weapons so you kill them. Personally, I always kill Lloyd, the owner of the local tavern, because he's rude and he gropes his waitress Bella, who's very pretty and nice. You have to intimidate Lloyd into joining the fight, then make sure that he's caught in one of your area of effect spells. Anyway, you saved the day, but they all thank the Maker that they lived.

Then you sneak into Castle Redcliffe via a hidden passage through a windmill. Inside, the arl's son is possessed because it turns out that he was a secret mage and the arl's wife, ashamed of this, didn't want anyone—even her husband—to know. So she hired an apostate to tutor her son in magic. That apostate was Jowan. And, as Jowan tells you when you find him, Loghain, whom Jowan only knows as the war hero from years ago, learned of it and hired Jowan to poison the arl. The arl fell ill and the arl's young son, Connor, struck a deal with a powerful Desire Demon to keep his father from dying. That demon is now running amok.

From this point, you have a number of choices. You can, um, just kill this kid, if you want. You can have Jowan sacrifice the kid's mom to use blood magic to send you into the Fade to face this demon. Or you can ask the Circle mages, who owe you a favor, to help send you into the Fade. (Technically, if you're not a mage, you control a mage like Morrigan to do the Fade bit). So, the Circle sends you into the Fade. If you're playing as anyone but yourself, you kill the Desire Demon. If you play as yourself, you can also strike a deal. She can teach you blood magic, which unlocks the blood magic school for all mages in all future playthroughs. You can even save, make that deal, and then reload and choose a different boon. Anyway, her deal is that you don't kill her and she'll fake her death, making it seem that you've cured Connor's possession. And that she'll then come back one day.

But even after you save Redcliffe, the arl's still sick. And everyone seems really sure that the ashes of Fire Jesus are going to help, even though that sounds extremely fake.

If you haven't done so already, this is a great time to get Shale.

You buy a control rod off of a random merchant, which sends you to Honnleath, a lovely little town that's been overrun by darkspawn who are busy murdering the inhabitants. In the center of the town square is a “statue” posing like that guy saying “ART” in The Iron Giant. You kill some darkspawn and then you find where the survivors are huddled behind a magical barrier in the workshop of a dead mage. The survivors are glad that you're there, but this little girl has gone deeper into the Magical Experimentation Basement and everyone who tries to go after her has been killed by magical defenses that didn't seem to notice the girl. You get to the end and fight a Desire Demon named Kitty who's possessed the girl. You tell the guy that his daughter's dead and he gives you the activation code for the golem while you leave him alone in his grief. You still saved everyone else. Anyway, you awaken Shale, who is absolutely wonderful and I cannot emphasize that enough.

Shale hates pigeons because everyone would if they've been stuck in statue form for 30 years. Shale refers to everyone as “it” and “the its.” Shale is big and strong and made of murder and, as you later find out, was once a dwarven woman who was sacrificed to give life to a golem. In fact, she volunteered.

Okay, so after some side quests, you head to a quiet little horror movie village called Haven where nothing is fine.

Technically, there's some intrigue and shenanigans beforehand with some people trying to kill you that tips you off that Haven is a sub-optimal vacation destination, but once you're there, that becomes much clearer. You hear a child's horrifying nursery rhyme that sounds an awful lot like it's about luring a traveler to his death. You go into a house and there's blood on an altar and Morrigan says that it's human blood, and she would know. You go into an inn and make some purchases from the innkeeper, which is good, because as soon as you try to sneak a look into the back room, where there happens to be a Redcliffe Knight who's been tortured and murdered, the guy attacks you, which closes the store. Once you leave the inn, the cultists all drop their act and you kill them a whole bunch. Then you go up to their version of a chantry, which isn't any worse than a regular chantry but it does feature some bad dudes whom you kill.

In a secret side room in that chantry, you find this huge nerd named Brother Genitivi who writes about his nerdy travels because he loves geography and anthropology and stuff. He's injured but he comes with you and helps you enter the Temple of Sacred Ashes where Andraste's remains are allegedly interred. Leaving him to study what it feels like to have frostbite in a ruin at the entrance, you go in, killing cultists and some other things, including ash wraiths. You even kill some young dragons, which are like wolf-sized, and some boy-dragons called drakes, which are more like the size of polar bears. There are lots of traps and there's lots of treasure, and eventually you talk this cult leader named Kolgrim into escorting you to the Temple.

See, Kolgrim worships “the risen Andraste,” which is just a high dragon that he's decided is Andraste 2.0. Haven apparently was once just the regular sort of Andrastian cult before Kolgrim's ancestor went through a dragon phase and everyone got on board or died. Well, Kolgrim wants you to mix the ashes with dragon's blood from Andraste II, but the Temple's guardian won't let him or his followers pass. This is the easier route, and he even persuades the dragon to let you guys pass through her valley.

You have to chat about your feelings with a dumb ghost (the guardian) before you enter the temple proper. If you have Oghren with you (he's a consummate dwarf in the worst ways; picture Yosemite Sam with an axe), he will comment that he can feel lyrium throughout the temple, and that maybe it accounts for why stuff here is so strange and magical. The Guardian may have been some sort of Spirit of Faith or even a Spirit of Compassion who assumed the role of a devoted person when he died, but that's just speculation. There are some magical trials that you have to pass, such as Fighting Yourself, Solving Riddles, and Getting Naked. All important tenets of Andrastianism, surely. At the end, you find an urn with a dead lady's ashes in it. Since pouring the dragon blood into the urn has some less fun consequences, you really want to avoid doing that and just take a pinch of the ashes. When you leave (and there's a great XP bonus bug here, at least on PC, that you can exploit from here on out to level up quickly if you need to), Kolgrim is unhappy and tries to kill you, so you finish killing the cultists.

You can kill 2 Andraste 2 Furious here if you like, but it's probably better to do so later. High Dragons are a lot.

Oh, Brother Genitivi is totally excited to tell the whole world about this find. If Morrigan is with you, she will point out the obvious—that the chantry is likely to try to use this to leverage even further influence and power over the land. Genitivi cannot be convinced to stay silent, but you can murder him, which I have done every time.

You head back to Redcliffe and it turns out that what Morrigan calls “digging up the bones of a madwoman” was somehow the right call, as it does enable a healer to restore Arl Eamon to health. He's like “sure I'd love to help you against Loghain but you need to finish your treaty stuff.” Oh and he names you Champions of Redcliffe, which would be cool for a normal person but most people forget when they're listing the Warden's eventual titles.

Leliana has a personal quest to kill Marjolaine, her former lover who trained her in murdersinging (sorry, the bardic arts). You do that.

Morrigan has a quest for you to kill her mom, because she's discovered that Flemeth lives forever by possessing her “daughters” and Morrigan would like to keep her body, thanks. Flemeth knows why you're there but decides that she's going to make you work for it, even though she says that she'd be interested in seeing what Morrigan will do with her freedom. Then Flemeth turns into a dragon and you have to fight and kill this dragon without Morrigan's presence. All things considered, this if Flemeth going easy on you.

Your romance should be progressing pretty well at this point, and you may have even banged one companion and moved on to another at this point. If she likes you, Morrigan will give you a willpower ring that will let her find you if you're in danger. Leliana will probably have done something nice but I've never done that romance. Zevran gives you an earring that he took off of some hot guy he murdered as an assassin. Alistair gives you a rose and also his virginity.

Okay, so now you go to Orzammar, the dwarven city. It's one of TWO surviving dwarven kingdoms. There used to be, like, 12, or a similar archetypal number, but the darkspawn ate got rid of them. Orzammar was the only officially known one, but there's another called Kal Sharok that we've never seen in game except in text form. Kal Sharok has some serious goth vibes to it. Also, they hate Orzammar because Orzammar survived by cutting themselves off before it was too late back when the darkspawn first starting ruining things for everyone.

Anyway, Orzammar. There's political strife there because the old king is dead. There's currently a political battle between the late king's son, Bhelen, and the late king's trusted adviser and friend, Lord Harrowmont. Harrowmont is a traditionalist, but Bhelen is a populist who also murdered his own brother and framed his other sibling, leading to that sibling getting sentenced to death. The fandom has a bunch of opinions on this.

When you first enter Orzammar, you see a scuffle between loyalists of these factions, and some Bhelen Bros do some killing. Not a great first impression. Long, long story short, you have to Stop All Crimes in Orzammar and also fight as a gladiator on Harrowmont's behalf to give him a boost to try to make him king. Which is great, but Bhelen pulls some nonsense, so the dwarven Assembly that chooses the next king is deadlocked so they need a Paragon—dwarves revere ancestors and The Stone but they also revere their equivalent of Nobel Prize Winners even if they're shitty people. So Harrowmont says that he'll give you all of the help that you like . . . when he's king. But he can only be king if you find the Paragon to break the Assembly's tie.

Oghren, who is just drunken dwarven Yosemite Sam but he's voiced by Zeb so it could be worse, is married to Paragon Branka, who's been missing in the Deep Roads for years. So he insists on coming along with you.

I should note that no one should bring Shale too far into the Deep Roads (ancient darkspawn-infested highways, but don't worry, there are also giant spiders) because certain choices may lead to Shale fighting you. Also, in Orzammar itself, there's a dwarf who wants to open a chantry in Orzammar, a place untouched by Andraste-worship, and I consider it an oversight that the devs did not give players the option to tip him into some lava. There are some other people who ask you for favors.

Two of the best rings in the game are in Orzammar. One is the Key to the City and you get it by nerding out with codex entries. The other is Lifegiver and it just really, really helps your health in a way that no ring has since then. You can also visit Dust Town, where outcast dwarves live. You have to, in fact. It's even worse than regular dwarf places.

Speaking of worse than dwarf places, the Deep Roads. You go there and they're horrible carverns full of monsters. Darkspawn, giant spiders, and these things called deepstalkers that are shaped like little dinosaurs but are really just horrible worms with limbs. But while the Circle Tower was filled with stat boosts that make you more powerful, the Deep Roads make you rich, bitch.

You go through a number of thaigs, which are smaller dwarven settlements that they refer to as “like colonies.” But of course they're full of monsters. Also some ghosts? But dwarf ghosts. Ultimately, you find out how darkspawn are made, and it's awful. Every darkspawn that you see was born from a human or elf or dwarf or even qunari with a uterus who was dragged underground and turned into a big ol' Body Horror Ursula that can spawn thousands of darkspawn in her lifetime. So you kill the one that you meet.

Then you find Paragon Branka. It turns out that she's an evil lesbian who left Oghren behind but took her actual lover, but ended up sacrificing the people with her so that the women would be made into broodmothers because, despite being a genius, she was unable to get past Paragon Caridin's traps that protect The Anvil of the Void, which is used for the lost art of creating golems, the ultimate anti-darkspawn weapons. She wants to use it to reclaim territory long since lost to darkspawn. You fight your way through the traps because it's kind of a puzzle but mostly just a murder-puzzle, and then you reach the Anvil. At this point, you meet Caridin himself, who is a giant steel golem and he's like “hey so I invented this a long time ago, but you have to murder a dwarf to make one, and after we plum ran out of volunteers, the king at the time started sending prisoners and his political enemies and I got weirded out so he had me made into one but, whoops, he didn't make a control rod for me.”

This is why you don't bring Shale: Shale will help Caridin, and personally, I always side with Branka even though she's a nightmare, because recovering the lost art of making golems seems worth it. It's not like there's any shortage of bad people in the world and the Warden slaughters hundreds of people anyway; this is just a more practical use for those lives.

Once Caridin is dead (when you get back to camp, you pick the lie option with Shale), Branka's like “hell yeah” and makes you a crown for whichever king you like. She gives zero fucks about politics. You come back, turn in a bunch of quests, and Bhelen and his Bros make a fuss so you kill them real good. Harrowmont is crowned and you're honored forever. Harrowmont makes it clear that he knows where his bread is buttered, and he pledges the dwarven support against the Blight. So now the mages and the dwarves are ready to help.

You head to Warden's Keep, which is where you learn some neat old history and make some choices. Personally, I befriend an ancient blood mage warden named Avernus who's amazing at summoning demons but not so great at controlling them. He helps you and you get a potion from him that gives you some DLC powers but mostly I just like him.

This is probably a good time to swing by Denerim and visit The Pearl, their best brothel. For some quests (long story) but also to meet Isabela, an important character and also one who knows Zevran very well. They are two peas in a pod and she's a delight and you can have a threesome with her and Zevran. Or her and Leliana. Or her and Alistair if Alistair has been hardened. Anyway, it's great, and Dragon Age 2 will remember that if you import this save.

There's some Denerim stuff to do but mostly it involves fighting Rundown Backstreet Boys, and you head to the Brecilian Forest to find a clan of Dalish elves. They're nomadic, and they're led by Tuvok from Voyager who was also the principal on iCarly. He's kind of grumpy but he's 300 years old, which is very unusual for elves who live human life spans. But since they say that elves were once all immortal, they figure that he's just, like, reclaiming his roots better than most. Somehow. Anyway, he's the Keeper of that clan so he's both mage and leader. Turns out that these elves are fighting some Big Sexy Werewolves. Eventually, Principal Tuvok gets you to promise to kill Witherfang, the boss wolf. There's a whole lot of nonsense in the forest including an entire set of Haunted Evil Armor that you can earn but it's not that great tbh. Wynne's old student is hiding in the woods also. You learn about the elves and the Creators, their small pantheon of gods whom they worship but they believe that they were sealed away by the Dread Wolf, their trickster figure who's regarded as a sort of devil but still honored. Oh, the Dalish have tattoos. It's worth noting that this is not the same clan as the Dalish Warden's, if that's your origin.

Also, there's a guy and girl trying to find love, and you can play matchmaker. You can also bang one or the other. You can bang one and play matchmaker. Video games are great.

So, you go into an old ruin where the werewolves are like “yeah okay we'll take you to our leader.” Yeah, they talk. Swiftrunner does most of the werewolf talking because he's the sexiest.

A naked planet lady spirit with POWERFUL Tilda Swinton energies about her is Witherfang, but they call her The Lady Of The Forest. She reveals that Principal Tuvok cursed some humans centuries ago by binding the spirit of the forest with blood magic and linking that spirit to a curse. So he turned a local spirit that was mostly just chill and, like, “hey look, trees” into a naked plant Tilda Swinton who is basically the horcrux to the werewolf curse. At the same time, Principal Tuvok (whose real name is Zathrian, btw) is also a horcrux to the curse, which is why he's lived so long. You fight him but you force him to lift the curse in the end. These werewolves, descendants of the bad humans from 300 years ago, are turned back into wildly less sexy humans. Tilda dies (really she just returns to her former state, maybe in a lesser form). Tuvok dies. The elves are chill about it though since their own people who were infected with the werewolf curse are cured.

So now the Mages, the Dwarves, and the Dalish Elves have pledged their support. But you need the human majority to form an effective army against the looming darkspawn threat, who by this point have razed like half of Ferelden. Oh, you can stop by Ostagar for some Closure and some cool gear too. It's snowier now.

Now it's time for the Landsmeet in Denerim. You go to the Arl of Denerim's estate where you learn that Queen Anora, Loghain's daughter and Cailan's widow, is being held captive by Arl Tim Curry so that she can't oppose her father's plans. Tim Curry has been doing Loghain's dirty work because he's a fucking monster, and Loghain's been giving a stupid number of titles to him.

Anyway, Anora's maid offers you some guard uniforms so that you can sneak in to see Anora, but, fun fact: you can't call the guards if there are no guards.

By this point you're an absolute nightmare to fight. My Warden uses blood magic to immobilize and damage entire rooms, then roasts the immobilized victims. It's a delight. The entrance to the torture chambers is in Tim Curry's bedroom, so that tells you a lot. You find a guy name Riordan who is a fellow warden from Jader (in Orlais, fantasy france). He's naked and not up for helping yet so you keep on killing some folks. You resolve a couple of quests while here, then you kill Tim Curry. It's what she deserves.

You rescue Anora, but then Ser Cauthrien, Loghain's warrior lady, comes with a small goddamn army to arrest you. You can apparently surrender but literally why would anyone ever surrender? Ser Cauthrien is a goddamn nightmare to fight; they should have just sent her against the archdemon she could fucking solo it. Anyway, her escorts die in fire and blood super fast, but she takes a while longer, but I always have two healers for this so you take her down in the end. Then you meet Anora back at Arl Eamon's.

Two things happen there. One, Anora tells you that her dad is doing some fucked up scheme stuff in the alienage, which is the elven ghetto. Two, you guys need to think about how you want the Landsmeet to go. For most players, the Best Ending is going to involve marrying a hardened Alistair to Anora. She's super competent, he's both nice and of royal lineage. A perfect combo.

Now you go the alienage, where there's a “plague.” That plague is in fact just a cover for some slavers from Tevinter to bring in new elven stock. They are paying Loghain a tremendous amount of gold to fund his civil war (not everyone was chill with him usurping the throne, natch) in exchange for who knows how many slaves. The elves figure that something is wrong but it's under the guise of a “quarantine” and they're elves, so it's not like they have rights.

But might makes right, so you show these “healers” your permit (it's murder) and then you kill your way through and free the slaves who were just about to be shipped off. That cuts off Loghain's flow of gold and also it's a thing that you COULD bring up at the Landsmeet, but the human nobles won't so don't.

Okay, so it's the Landsmeet. This can go down a few ways, but the best thing is to mention selective things after having curried favor with the right nobles during your Denerim shenanigans. Denerim is just the capitol city, if I didn't mention it. So one noble will be like “yeah Loghain had my brother tortured” and while Loghain will blame things on Tim Curry, it doesn't look great for him. Anora also puts him on blast.

At this point, it becomes clear that Loghain is paranoid that this is all an Evil Orlesian Plot because like 30 years ago Orlais had invaded and were shitty to Ferelden. Well, Orlais is under new management and Loghain is just a dick.

The Landsmeet votes, and Loghain wants to duel. If you're marrying Alistair and Anora to each other, you should do the duel. Only if you're planning to marry Anora (as a male Cousland) should you let Alistair duel Loghain, as Anora is fine with deposing Loghain but a little squeamish about marrying the dude who cuts off her dad's head.

Just as you're about to behead Loghain, Riordan comes in and is like “oh we have the stuff to do the Joining, we could make him a warden??” And the game let's you say no but doesn't let you yell obscenities at Riordan for even saying something so stupid to you. Because Loghain was a hero once but he's, um, the worst.

Like, Zevran tried to kill me, but only once, and that was before he knew me. I have limits on how many times you can try to kill me, and all of Loghain's attempts were after meeting and speaking with me. Avada Kedavra, bitch. (Keeping Loghain alive has various consequences and I don't want to get into it)

So after Loghain's beheaded, everyone makes haste to prep to fight the darkspawn, which involves rallying the bannorn at Redcliffe. You fight some darkspawn there, but it's not the main horde.

In the mean time, Riordan is like “oh by the way, Warden and also Alistair, whichever one of us kills the archdemon will also die, that's the only way to keep it from respawning.” So fuck. But then you go back to your room, and Morrigan is there because she's WONDERFUL. Anyway, she did know this all along, but she knows a magic sex ritual referred to in the fandom as the Dark Ritual. If a Grey Warden knocks her up that very night in this ritual, she'll conceive what the fandom calls an Old God Baby. Basically, the zygote will bear the taint (even though wardens can't usually reproduce at all), and when the archdemon is slain, she can draw the no-longer-tainted soul of the tainted old god into her womb and create a healthy, non-tainted child with the soul of an Old God. “Some things are worth preserving.” I agree but also I'd never turn down Morrigan, so I do it because I make good choices.

If you're a lady warden, you have to talk Alistair into it, which is just delightful. He and Morrigan don't get along but he takes one for the team.

So, after this, everyone marches for Denerim, where the darkspawn horde has headed. Denerim's seen better days. It's on fire. The archdemon is there, and it looks like a fucked up dragon with, like, some kind of spiky cancer? It's not good. It breathes purple fire which is honestly goals, though. Riordan manages to damage the dragon's wing during the battle, but then he dies. Alas.

But his sacrifice makes the archdemon need to land on the top of this huge-ass fortress, so you just have to murder every darkspawn in the city and the every darkspawn in the fortress until you get on the roof, where you fight the archdemon.

Your recruited allies are fighting along with the human army, of course. You can call for help on the rooftop. Personally, I call the mages because they're my boys. Anyway, you do eventually kill the archdemon. You can choose in advance who should do the killing blow, and if you didn't do Morrigan's ritual, that person dies. Yes, you can order Alistair to die.

Then there's a celebration. You can ask for a boon from King Alistair (I always ask for the teynir of Gwaren, which was Loghain's but he's dead now). Sten is going back to Qunari lands and Shale is planning to adventure with Wynne.

DRAGON AGE: ORIGINS: AWAKENING

Gonna keep this one extra brief. Like, six months after you ended the Fifth Blight in like a year, where most last decade at least, some new talking darkspawn show up in Amaranthine, the former arling of Tim Curry, which Alistair has granted to the Wardens. You head over to take over and the castle is under attack, which is honestly kind of funny because you killed an archdemon six months ago and you haven't gotten LESS powerful since then. Awesome Lady Who Will Die helps you fight, and you encounter Anders, an apostate mage who's a talented healer, and Oghren, who for some reason couldn't just live his dwarf life and had to show up in this fucking expansion, who's decided to become a Grey Warden.

So you kill darkspawn and you encounter one of these talking darkspawn which is unsettling, because that's not normal for these things. Once the castle is purged, Anders and Oghren take the Joining and so does Awesome lady Who Will Die, but she doesn't make it.

Oh, remember Arl Howe (Tim Curry?). Well, he had a son named Nathaniel who is real good at archery and sneaking, and he tried to break into the castle to kill you before you even arrived. He's under the impression that his dad was killed for, like, political reasons, and not because his dad was a fucking monster.

In a creepy forest, you meet Grey Delisle As An Angry Elf Mage and recruit her because she's trying to find her sister. You meet the Architect, a weird darkspawn spell-caster whose design is unique and who seems like a huge nerd. You even get the impression that he means well. But he does not join you, for sure.

In a haunted fucking swamp called THE BLACKMARSH there was this awesome Orlesian baroness who lived there but was Bathorying it up to stay young, and she cursed the whole place, but to be clear it was already called THE BLACKMARSH, fuck. This is the place where you find out what a BLIGHT WEREWOLF is and I cannot emphasize enough how absolutely unacceptable that is to me. You fix all of that stuff but it's still THE BLACKMARSH. Here, you met a spirit named Justice (it's literally an embodiment of Justice) that eventually possesses the corpse of a fallen Grey Warden.

By this point, it's clear that there are two factions of intelligent, “Awakened” darkspawn. One works for something called The Mother, the others work for The Architect.

You go into the Deep Roads (ahhhh) to an abandoned thaig that was used for making certain types of special golems back in the day, but is now full of darkspawn of course. You meet a member of the Legion of the Dead, a group of dwarves who hold a funeral service when they join because they exist only to fight darkspawn. Her fellows were slaughtered and she ran and feels weird about it but you let her join you and she becomes a Grey Warden, too.

During all of this, you're making political decisions and sitting in judgment and shutting down a rebellion by local nobles and doing some city quests in Amaranthine proper. (Amaranthine is on the northern coast, by the way)

Well, The Mother's forces attack the city and it's awful but you kill them. You go to fight her, and you can let the Architect help you. I can kill him but . . . eh. Oh, by the way, he can fly.

The Mother is a broodmother who was once human. The Architect “awoke” decades ago and was like “hmmm, why are other darkspawn so fucking dumb?” And he discovered that he could make them drink Grey Warden blood and it would give them awareness and, like, personhood. But when he tried it on a broodmother, who was not born a darkspawn but made that way, she was full of agony because she could no longer “hear the song.” So she's just being awful and lashing out.

(lots of things, from certain mind-control magic to lyrium to the call of the old gods, is referred to that way)

It is revealed during the final fight against The Mother that the Architect accidentally caused the Fifth Blight when he tried to safely awaken that Old God without tainting it but accidentally tainted it in the process. Shucks.

You kill The Mother and the day is saved. Again.

DRAGON AGE II

Remember the (doomed) town of Lothering that you visited in Dragon Age: Origins? Well, there was a buff af person named Something Hawke there who had younger siblings (twins) named Bethany and Carver. Bethany is a mage, Carver hits stuff with a sword, Hawke can be male or female and any class. No matter which Hawke you choose, they're a ridiculous disaster.

(Mine is a male mage)

The Hawke family's mages (your dead dad, Bethany, and anyone with a mage Hawke) are all apostates. Bethany and Hawke have never seen the inside of a Circle, and they've all hidden in plain sight in Lothering for all of their lives.

Carver is a buff warrior guy but he has a huge and arguably well-deserved inferiority complex from being Hawke's baby brother and, let's face it, from not being a mage in a family that has mages.

Bethany is absolutely darling and extremely easy to get along with. Just, like, be nice and don't oppress anyone.

The game stars with all three siblings and their mom (Leandra) fleeing from the Blight back in 9:30 Dragon. Darkspawn are on their heels. You fight mostly hurlocks, but then you run across a Big Strong Ginger Woman named Aveline and her husband, who is a templar but he's too Dying of the Blight (contamination caused by darkspawn blood) to care that Bethany and perhaps Hawke are mages.

Unfortunately, you guys eventually fight an ogre, and darkspawn got a redesign after Origins, so ogres are no longer quite as sexy as they once were. Anyway, if you are a warrior or a rogue, the ogre murders Carver. If you play a mage, as I do, Bethany gets murdered before your eyes, which is why I waited a year before playing DA2.

You also have to euthanize Aveline's dying husband because otherwise he'll either die super slowly or, more likely, become a ghoul which is just a tainted person who feels compelled to serve the darkspawn. It's gross.

Then even more darkspawn attack, but then a big ol' dragon flies in and roasts them and then shapeshifts and it's . . . Flemeth! She's no longer dressed like a poor old lady but like someone's slutty battle-grandma and it's amazing. Flemeth talks to you for a bit and then makes a deal with Hawke—you take this little necklace that's Totally Normal to Keeper Marethari of a Dalish elf clan that's near Kirkwall, since you guys are headed to Gwaren to catch a refugee ship to Kirkwall (a city-state in the Free Marches, which is north of Ferelden across the Amaranthine). In exchange, she'll escort you across Ferelden, incinerating any darkspawn that give you trouble. That's one hell of a deal.

You arrive at Kirkwall, which still has huge statues of slaves in anguish everywhere. The city was once the center of the Tevinter Imperium's slave trade, and it is full of yikes. The city's Circle is on an island fortress called The Gallows where slaves were broken, so the mages are, uh, not living their best lives. Like, there's no such thing as a good internment camp, but this is probably the worst one. It's gonna come up a lot.

So, you're a refugee, and there are plenty of people in Kirkwall who are like “Ferelden isn't sending their best. They're sending crime. They're sending drugs. They're rapists” etc so the gates are shut. But your mom's whole reason for coming here is because she's from Kirkwall, and she's like wait I have a brother who lives here and his name is Gamlen. Well, Gamlen is no longer a noble even though their whole family was. He is in fact a a gambler, which has to be where his name originates, right? So he lost the Amell Estate (her maiden name was Amell, the same surname as a human mage Warden) and he lives in a little hovel in part of Kirkwall that's called Lowtown. So basically, you make a deal to work as either a smuggler or mercenary for one year to get into Kirkwall and to get a Fantasy Green Card. Oh, and you're working off some of Gamlen's debts in the first place. Nice uncle.

Fast-forward one year, and it's the beginning of Act I. You're done working off your debt, but you're like “wait . . . I need a job, fuck.” You, your sibling, your mom, and your mabari hound (not a companion character this time, but an NPC whom you can summon into battle as a battle pet) are all living in Gamlen's little hovel. However, a smooth-talking dwarf character named Varric Tethras, recognizable for lacking a beard but having chest hair instead, has a proposition for you. He and his shifty, President Business brother are going on a Deep Roads expedition, and by now, Hawke has worked up a reputation for himself while Carver has impressed fewer people. Classic Carver. So he says that if you become an investor, you can come along and split the reward. Oh, Varric has a Super Advanced Crossbow straight out of, like, Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters.

If you've played The Witcher, Varric is just the gem fusion of Zoltan and Dandelion. He's a dwarf who talks too much. But he's also good at business. He's a surface dwarf. Very likable.

Well, you set about trying to make money. One thing that you also need is to contact a rumored Grey Warden in town. By this point, the Blight has been over for months and the legend of the Hero of Ferelden has spread to the local NPCs. You go into Darktown, old mining tunnels and sewers beneath the city where the homeless live, where a rumored Grey Warden apostate mage has set up a clinic to heal the needy. It's Anders, from Awakening!! He's a little—a lot—more serious, now. He still loves cats. Also, remember the spirit of Justice? He lives inside of Anders now, but it's voluntary.

You also recruit a pirate named Isabela. She's my favorite companion in DA2 because she's a treasure. Her ship crashed in Kirkwall a while back . . . around the same time that the Qunari shipwrecked and Kirkwall just gave them a walled off part of the city by the docks to live. Hmmm.

Aveline now works for the city guard, making her ideal for Kirkwall/Brooklyn Nine-Nine comparisons, and she'll help you with her sword and shield. She's great.

You also end up going to visit the Dalish to fulfill your end of the bargain. You recruit Merrill, from the Dalish Elf Origin Warden. She's the Keeper's First (apprentice) but Keeper Marethari is sending her away because she keeps trying to restore what the elves have lost, and Marethari doesn't trust Merrill to not fuck it up and doom them all. Which is unfair, because Merrill is WONDERFUL.

Merrill helps you fulfill your deal with Flemeth so she takes the necklace up to this cursed as fuck mountain and Flemeth pops out of the necklace. It was a horcrux. Remember when you “killed” Flemeth in Origins? Surprise bitch. Anyway, Flemeth has some vague things to say to both Hawke and Merrill and then she just jumps off the mountain and turns into a dragon to fly back to Ferelden to do whatever it is that terrifying dragon-witches do for fun.

Merrill, by the way, is a blood mage. Which is to say that she uses blood to improve the power of her spells and to perform some spells that an ordinary mage cannot do. Good for her.

You also recruit Twink Wolverine. He's a brown-skinned elf with platinum blond hair and lyrium tattoos all over his body which gives him special powers and he lost his memory as this special magical metal was implanted in him but now he can kill people by ripping out their hearts.

You get a quest from a handsome blue-eyed fellow named Sebastian, but he is arguably the least fun person that anyone has ever met in their lives. He'll join your party in Act 2. He was noble-born and he used to be a huge Party Slut but now he's dedicated to the chantry but not entirely a part of it he just really likes Grand Cleric Elthina but he's torn because his family back in Starkhaven (another city-state in the Marches) has been murdered so he's like Do I Love Fire Jesus More Or My Responsibilities???

You reclaim the deed to the Amell Estate, which by the way was never Gamlen's to sell he's just a little shit. Your home was bought by slavers because it's connected to an extensive wine cellar that they could use to smuggle captive slaves out. How nice. Anyway, that'll be great once you have money again.

Eventually, you amass enough gold to buy in to the Deep Roads Expedition. You get to choose which characters come with you, which is great, except that your choices are actually pretty limited. First of all, Varric is coming along, so there's your rogue. Anders is a Grey Warden, so it only makes sense for him to come along, and he'll be very important later. Finally, your sibling. If Carver stays behind while you spend weeks underground, he'll join the templars. Ostensibly to protect you from within, but really because his life is directionless and he's, bless him, stupid. Worse, if Bethany stays behind, she will be captured by templars and brought to The Gallows. The game does not dance around how absolutely appallingly awful the lives of the mages are there. Better for her to risk her life in the Monster Tunnels than get carted off to Sexual Assault Island. If you bring a sibling to the Deep Roads, you absolutely must bring Anders.

On top of those very practical reasons for taking a Varric-Anders-Carver squad, Merrill is used to living in the woods and Isabela gets claustrophobic and Aveline has a real job. Fenris could come, sure, but you'd have to leave someone behind and that sucks.

So, you explore for a while, and Varric's brother, President Business, is grumpy about everything. After a lot of exploring, you guys find a room with a curious red idol. President Business takes it and locks an old, rock-solid dwarven door to trap you guys in so that he can reap the profits. His name is Bartrand by the way and anyway he sucks. So you guys have to find your way out, which means a lot of fighting and nonsense. You do find some Big Treasure so that's cool, but not as cool as living, so you need to make it to the surface.

Unfortunately, Carver starts to get sick towards the end. The darkspawn taint. Not wanting him to die, Anders will guide you to some Grey Wardens and you persuade them to take him and give him the Joining before it's too late. But Carver leaves your party. By the way, DA2 is actually evil because when someone leaves your party, they just take all of the equipment that you were wearing, so you'll want to save often and, when the time is right, just strip Carver of his weapons and equipment.

So you return to the surface without your twin but you, um, hope he lives. But you're rich, bitch. President Business has fled, presumably with his riches. And you now have lots of money and move into the Amell Estate, which is now the Hawke Estate. Your mom is happy-ish. Honestly, the game was rushed, but I wish that the interior of the estate had been less symbolic because it's only like three rooms. You go into similar buildings elsewhere in Hightown and they're huge and nice and have courtyard gardens. Anyway, that's all fixed in Dragon Age Inquisition. And in our imaginations.

Act 2 begins, and you can get Sebastian to join you. He does Archery for Fire Jesus. The big issue this time around is the Qunari. They're still here. It's been three got dam years and they're still just loitering in that one part of the docks. Fuck. Also, the Viscount's son Seamus is almost certainly getting fucked by one and the Viscount is just like “look it's fine that he likes Big Horned Bois but it looks bad because the Qunari aren't Andrastian.” This bitch Sister Petrice also keeps trying to rope you into doing “good stuff” but surprise, it's bad stuff. Anti-Qunari sentiments are riding high. Seamus dies. Petrice dies. There are other shenanigans.

In Act 2 you can finally romance people. After three years. The timing of things in this game is odd and also Fenris is extremely difficult to romance for no good reason. He, by the way, is still on the run from his former owner, a Magister who gave him his tatoos. Again, Fenris is literally just Twink Wolverine on the run from Weapon X. Fenris, Isabela, Anders, and Merrill are all bi romances. You can choose whomever, but feel free to headcanon a beautiful poly thing going on with all of them. Sebastian, by the way, is a chaste romance for a female Hawke who sides with templars. Mind you, this isn't an ace romance, this is explicitly an “I'd love to bang you, I would, but Andraste doesn't want me to be happy” arrangement.

The biggest event is that a magical serial killer (for whom you've searched before) kills your mom. His name is Quentin and he cuts off her head and sows it onto a Frankenbody and is like “ah, yes, finally I've made my perfect wife” and so you have to kill him and then your frankenmom has a few moments of agonizing awareness as she dies in your lap. Fuck this.

By the way, Gamlen visits sometimes but he doesn't even live in the estate with you. Lol.

There's some other stuff. Hawke cleans the streets (murders thugs) on behalf of the Friends of Red Jenny, a mysterious organization for whom The Warden also once did a favor. Hawke explores the Wounded Coast, earns a stake in a mine called THE BONE PIT by killing the problems that arise there, and enters the Fade to help a young Dreamer mage. Those are mages who are just super good at Fade stuff. You help some mages with freedom stuff. There are also some Tal Vashoth (ex Qunari) hanging out beyond the city but some of them are up to no good because they've never been allowed to make choices before and aren't making good ones.

You help Isabela recover something from a former acquaintance, and then she leaves you. But she's wonderful and can do whatever she likes.

At the end of this Act, you have the unenviable task of making a demand of the Arishok. Because these qunari who have washed up here, though they haven't explained why they're here, are there with the head of one entire branch of their government. The Arishok is the head of the Qunari military, though of course he's every bit the slave to the Qun itself as everyone else. When you insist that he turn over some criminals, he's like “you know what? I guess it's time to murder everyone” so the Qunari go on a Big Horned Boi rampage and kill lots of guards. In the end, Hawke and Aveline and the templars and mages fight their way to the Viscount's Keep, where the Arishok has taken the Viscount's head. They're planning to forcibly convert the entire city-state but, if you think about it, they didn't have the numbers to hold that forever. It seems like the Arishok, who like all Qunari believes that existence is the only real choice, was committing suicide because he'd failed on his real mission: to retrieve the Tome of Koslun. Since the rules prevented him from returning empty-handed but he was losing his damn mind in Kirkwall, he waited for an excuse and went for it.

Isabela comes back and gives him her secret prize—the Tome of Koslun, which she had stolen to begin with and that's what she had when she and her Qunari pursuers were shipwrecked during a thunderstorm. She lost it and the Arishok didn't have it so they were both in limbo. Anyway, now Isabela's like “here's your fucking sacred book leave please, look at me I'm responsible!!” and Hawke's heart fills with joy but the Arishok is like “cool also we're taking Isabela we're gonna, you know, torture her until she dies or joins the Qun probably” so he and Hawke (if Hawke has earned his respect, which he has) will duel and it is TERRIFYING but you win eventually. You get declared Champion of Kirkwall just as Knight-Commander Meredith of the templars comes in. She's like a combat Jessica Lange if that makes sense. You can basically see the Kill Bill sirens going off in her head as she sees you getting celebrated by the nobles. She's the head of the worst group of templars in all of Thedas, so she's about what you'd expect. She's less openly sinister than some of her subordinates, because she seems like a true believer. More of a Mike Pence than a Ted Cruz, if that makes sense.

Act 3 technically has a lot of content (you see Carver again, now a Grey Warden—you also saw him during the Qunari thing—and you see Nathaniel Howe, also a Grey Warden) but it feels like it goes by faster than the previous two. This one is all about Mages VS Templars. Obviously, people are welcome to RP any kind of characters they like. Maybe one who would oppress innocent people for political capitol or whatever. But this isn't a “gray morality” situation. Literally one group is imprisoned for being born because they are, as people, potentially dangerous. The other group isn't a law enforcement group, they are literally just internment camp guards, with a side of a-youth-pastor-who-is-also-a-cop.

There are a couple of big DLCs, however. One is Mark of the Assassin, where Felicia Day thoroughly explores the Uncanny Valley as Tallis, an elf who serves the Qun. She wants you to join her on a HEIST. And Hawke is like “sure! Fuck rich people!” but Hawke is a rich people. Anyway, you go to Chateau Haine to a big ol' party by a fancy Orlesian noble, but this chataeu is in the Vinmark Mountains so it's still in the Free Marches. You're genuinely a guest. You seduce the host's son so that Fantasy Felicia Day can get some keys or something. There's a wyvern hunt. You fight some little gremlin things called ghasts that come up so little that you wonder if they're canon or just something that Hawke hallucinated. But in Inquisition, Blackwall mentions them in a bit of party banter, but you only hear that if you voluntarily take Blackwall to many places, so . . . I sure didn't hear the line. I just know that it exists. It turns out that Tallis lied to you, and this Heart of the Many thing isn't a gem, it's a list of Qunari sleeper agents throughout Thedas and your host is planning to auction it.

Now, fuck the Qunari, I'm fine with that, but she says that some of them are just retired. And technically, Iron Bull would be one of them, so whatever it's fine I guess. You fight some Tal Vashoth but also kill your host.

The other DLC is more Plot Important, because you and Carver are both being targeted by mercenaries who want to kidnap you because, like the Red Cross, they need your blood. Unlike the Red Cross, they're probably not a shady organization that can't seem to account for the donations that they receive. They're just straightforward kidnappers.

Anyway, some Bad Dwarves hired them to kidnap you, and these dwarves have lost their got dam minds and also have been drinking darkspawn blood to deliberately taint themselves because they've been hearing the call of some entity. You end up helping an old Grey Warden named Larius or something like that. See, Malcolm Hawke, your dead dad, was once kidnapped by Grey Wardens and forced to reinforce some old blood magic seals on a magical prison. No Grey Warden could do it. So he did and they let him leave. Now, these bad guys need your blood to break these seals. To solve this, you enter the prison level by level, discovering in the process that the reimagined darkspawn known as genlocks in DA2 are less like squat little hurlocks and are now more like magic-resistant gorillas. Yikes. Anyway, there's another Grey Warden faction in play but it doesn't matter. You reach the end and there's a unique-looking darkspawn who, in his dreams, had been trying to draw you to him. He was imprisoned during, like, the First Blight by Wardens in this special magical prison. His name is Corypheus, and he says that he was one of the Magisters Sidereal who entered the Fade in the flesh and found the Golden City empty, and felt tricked and betrayed by the Old Gods. He had been High Priest o Dumat. Now he's just super confused. He does get his wits about him and fight you, and it's one hell of a fight, but then you kill him. Then you see Larius walking away with a sinister smile for the camera. So, you know, that's fine.

Back in Kirkwall, the mages-vs-templars thing is even more intense because Meredith is the worst. Did I mention that Cullen, from Ferelden, is part of Meredith's group of templars? He's super anti-mage at this point because of what happened in Ferelden and he actually says “mages are not people like you and me” to Hawke. First of all, awful. Second of all, hilarious when speaking to a male Hawke. Anders has been doing Underground Railroad stuff which is more and more popular as the treatment of mages gets worse and worse.

Oh, and there's a haunted house where President Business was for a while. Varric has his brother, driven mad by the red lyrium idol, sent to a sanitarium, but it's clearly dangerous stuff and left a house feeling haunted.

Long, long story short, Meredith tightens her fist even further (all mages are confined to their rooms at all times, basically, and more and more are made Tranquil every day, it seems). But First Enchanter Orsino feels that he has no choice but to go along with it because otherwise she'll just kill him and maybe everyone else. Well, this is when Anders blows up the chantry with Grand Cleric Elthina, who's just sort of letting all of this play out instead of taking action, inside. Anders' goal is to force the mages to fight off their oppressors instead of going quietly to either die or to continue to live like this. Anders then offers to let Hawke kill him. You totally can, but my Hawke is always like “lol know I just wish you'd told me so that I'd know that I was helping you, but I get it.” Sebastian wigs out and vows revenge but literally who cares.

Meredith declares the Rite of Annulment, which is when you kill every mage in a Circle, including the children. Anders is not and never has been part of the Kirkwall Circle but that's hardly the point. You all go fight to defend the mages. There's a stupid thing where Orsino turns into a boss fight because EA felt that they needed another boss battle, but that's dumb. Anyway, you fight off Meredith and then you learn that she purchased that red lyrium idol from President Business and had it fused to the hilt of her sword. Templars use regular lyrium to fuel their anti-magic powers, but red lyrium clearly has different effects.

Meredith is the final boss fight, and her sword makes her tough to fight. It also lets her animate some nearby statues. Sure. She turns into a red lyrium statue at the end. Yikes. You guys can leave on Isabela's ship.

Varric has told all of this to his interrogator, Cassandra Pentaghast, a Seeker who answers directly to the Divine. Cassandra meets up with Leliana, who also works for the Divine, perhaps partially out of wlw solidarity. They're looking for the Champion of Kirkwall (Hawke), but just like the Hero of Ferelden, he seems to be missing.

DRAGON AGE: ASUNDER

A novel. In it, Wynne's son who is a mage and spirit healer like his mom (from whom he was separated as an infant because the templars are the worst) is in the White Spire, the #1 Circle of Magi situated in Val Royeaux, the capitol of Orlais. Unfortunately, there have been mysterious murders said to be carried out by some sort of Ghost Twink. Turns out, it's a boy named Cole and he's not invisible, he just makes people forget him. But Rhys, Wynne's son, remembers him. Everything is stricter now because of what happened in Kirkwall. So, a brief summary:

-Cole the Ghost Twink is a spirit who took the form of an abused boy mage who died because templars literally forgot that they'd locked him up in his cell. The spirit didn't know how to help him so it just became him. It's been killing people who want to die, which is a huge bummer.

-the Divine secretly ordered a Tranquil to investigate whether or not Tranquility could be cured. It can be

-Grand Enchanter Fiona, Wynne, and Shale help start the Mage Rebellion, which spreads all across Thedas and includes the knowledge that Tranquility can be cured. Shale personally smashes the phylacteries that templars would be able to use to track down mages when they leave.

-the Templar Order and the Seekers leave the chantry because they feel that the Divine is too soft on mages

-a nice templar (relatively) named Evangeline falls in love with Rhys. She gets killed but Wynne, who held a Spirit of Faith in her ever since the Bad Events in the Ferelden Circle during the Blight, transfers that Spirit of Faith into her to save her. Wynne dies but Evangeline lives.

-the current Lord Seeker is planning to crush the mage rebellion. Cole kills him. It's what he deserves.

DRAGON AGE: THE MASKED EMPIRE

A novel. Empress Celine is Orlais' ruling lesbian and she encourages art and scholarly pursuits and enlightenment. She, too, dreams of expansion—like any responsible ruler—but she wants to do it with diplomacy and alliances and the economy instead of just smash-stabbing. Briala is her elven spy chief and also her lover since they were both young. Her bodyguard is Ser Michel de Chalons, a skilled swordsman obsessed with honor and harboring a “terrible” secret. Her rival is her cousin, Grand Duke Gaspard, and he wants to Make Orlais Great Again by conquering Ferelden and Nevarra and beyond.

Michel's “terrible” secret is that he's, gasp, of elven lineage. Biologically, half-elves are just humans. This is meaningless but Orlesian culture is ridiculous and humans are even more ridiculous.

Briala's mentor for many years has been a mage named Felassan who is himself a spy and, despite his tattoos that would indicate that he is Dalish, really doesn't seem to be Dalish at all.

Well, Gaspard outs Celine's relationship with Briala, which causes a scandal. He then ambushes her and her forces while she's vulnerable, but does not succeed in taking her. Eventually, Briala, Celene, Gaspard, Felassan, and a couple of others are separated from their armies and go on an adventure through an eluvian, an ancient elven mirror. Gaspard is honorable but, like, having a code doesn't make you a good person, dude, it just makes you lawful evil. However, Briala and Celene have a falling out, Michel betrays Celene because of his own dumb honor code, and a Dalish clan gets wiped out by a demon named Imshael who insists upon being called a “Choice Spirit” instead of a Desire Demon. There's some really cool magic and lore stuff in this book and I strongly recommend it.

Anyway, Celene makes it to safety, but without her bodyguard or her lover/spymaster. Briala gets control of the Eluvian network (well, part of it) and plans to use it to instantly move groups of elves from place to place to make things better for her people. (Celene has gone out of her way to be pro-elf, by the way, largely from Briala's influence)

Felassan tells Briala goodbye and goes and sleeps and enters the Fade. An unidentified entity approaches him and asks if he got the access to the eluvians. He replies that he did not, by choice. The unidentified entity kills him instantly.

So there's an Orlesian Civil War going on and the elves are capitalizing on it (or trying to) during the Mage Rebellion and also there are some Other Shenanigans.

PS: at one point Imshael possessed a Dalish mage named Mithris. She appears in Inquisition, like many of these characters. But not Felassan because he's dead.

And that's what you missed on Glee.

#Dragon Age #long post #Simon Talks About Dragon Age

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