#and fuck you for starting back up again when the appt was done and we were back in the car

[david-box]

Feeling bad lads don't reblog

#shoutout to my parents for somehow making rheir compliments a trigger #deciding not to graduate early bc i wasnt ready to pick a career WAS mature yes #and thank you #but i was incredibly depressed mostly because of you fuckheads #i dont want to hear about how id be great on the lsat #because im tired lf hearing about mommas law school and i dont want to think about my ACt #because it makes me think about a week or less before early college when you said you were worried #about my critical thinking skills (??) and tested me by asking me to put a screwdriver away in the garage #there was never going to be a correct answer you absolute piece of rotten shit. there never was with you #and it was pn the goddamn shelf before you grabbed it #10 o clock at night and you text me abojt this still smoking by the garage. fuck you #and fuck the time you gave me shit over nothing on the way to a doctors appt and then said i should tell the dr #about my anxiety (r/t me bringing it up bc god forbid i be upset) #and fuck you for starting back up again when the appt was done and we were back in the car #and fuck you for starting it back up again with are you feeling better? #as if no was an option you wouldnt pick apart #and then respondkng with how time to calm down made you worse until i finally played the helpful daughter role #and asked you what was wrong #and found out youd criticized killian and i over NOTHING sitting us down just to interrogate us #up to and including asking us what we were thinking and if we said nothing expected us to have something ready when you went back to us #before shitting on the other kid so i had to make up something on the spot #and all because your sister stole our cable? #fuck you and die. #in another life i beat you for that #and every other goddamn thing #i dont want to hear about how wed be worse off if we hadnt had acces to the internet because i would have killed myself

[shotmrmiller]

WAIT WAIT (mentions of suicide, so if you don't want to respond to this then please don't)

for cbf!price can we go back a little bit, what if after kind of secluding himself when he finds out his wife is pregnant, he becomes soooo lonely. He misses Johnny and he misses you. The only thing keeping him going is the baby, something that he and his with created together. And although he doesn't love his wife, he is hopeful that maybe they can come together more as a family and raise this baby.

But then he finds out the baby isn't his.

He feels so much more alone than before, dreads doing anything related to work, but can't look forward to going home because he has to face the fact that his wife cheated on him.

He becomes depressed and he yearns to go back and be able to be with Johnny and reader as a throuple. But he doesn't know what to do.

Regularly thinks about ending his life just so that he doesn't have to feel the pain anymore, and one day he decides to do it. Takes the day off work, plans to go to a scenic overview to do it, but wants to write "goodbye" letters to Johnny and you. He attempts to discreetly place the letter in Johnny's room, or slide it under the door, but Johnny walks up and sees price as he's bending down to do it. Johnny confronts him and Price is just speechless and starts crying and AHHHH.

HELP ME I WANT TO KNOW WHAT HAPPENS NEXT IN THIS DELUSION OF MINE

i didn't know how to answer this because it makes me very sad:(

this tempts me to just, he dies. takes himself out because he's too old to be going through this shit, and thinks it's too late. he's alone and he's gotta exist being around what he could've had.

but going off of what you said, they gotta make up. def goes on like a suicide watch of sorts with simon and kyle, too. keep it in the 141 because the higher-ups cannot know about this.

he's damn fucking good at his job, and his mental is in the absolute dumps over something that will take time to heal, but it isn't over! not by any means!

you almost rip his ear off for even thinking about it!

you've never hit a single person in your life, but you aren't afraid to hit a married one (lol)

no but really, you immediately forgive him, and let him stay with the both of you.

he's still your price in the end, and to see him hurt this much to the point he almost made such a drastic decision kills you.

from then on, it's a lot of atonement from price that you continuously tell him is unnecessary and force him to take you to the ob appts.

you make him feel the baby kicking, and always ask him what he thinks about baby furniture. slowly, he gets colour back, and starts to smile again.

every kick of the baby, every craving you send him out to get fills him back with light.

and then when the real contractions hit, he's the one kicking johnny awake.

'wake the hell up, soap, our baby's done cookin'.'

#cbf!price

[feytouched]

back hurts again, seems like every time i try to get work done it starts acting up again. but i pushed through it to finish lineart for the last comm of october, i can't wait to be done bc i need to reopen since i need money again (meds turned out to be more expensive than i expected this month). and i couldn't sleep bc my arm on the side i always sleep on aches bc i got a pneumonia vaccine yesterday. and also there was a horrible mosquito keeping me awake. so i was in a horrible mood all day. and then i overheard my mom cancelling plans to go to a concert bc she would have to be wearing a mask and sitting away from ppl (bc of me) and it's uncomfortable and pointless and like. knife = twisted. i'm ruining so much of the lives of those around me, not just my own. and the stupid thing is! i would kill to be able to go to a stupid classical music concert now! i haven't left the house other than grocery shopping and medical appts and i haven't met anyone outside of my parents and bf in over a month! all i do is work or rot in bed when i'm physically unable to work. we were supposed to have some of my moms coworkers over this sunday and if you can believe it i was actually looking forward to it just to! fucking talk to people! but then they cancelled out of respect to me bc they had to attend a dinner where there were a bunch of sick ppl. so yeah i want to vomit actually i feel so lonely and everything hurts

#can't i have two days of being ok in a row #ką sako lapė

[dancing-cockroaches]

A bitch finally snapped. I have two friggin jobs plus the jobs of every doctor I go to apparently. Apparently I'm the only competent human within a 500 mile radius.

Every doctor I go to, the office staff cant tell their ass from their elbow but I'm just gonna limit myself getting pissed to what has happened in the last month alone. I had a Neurology appt. They sent a referral for MRI. Simple enough, right? No. My MRI was cancelled day of because they didnt receive all necessary clinical forms from my neurologist. I call my neurologist. Apparently I have no followup. I have a card on my desk for Jan 10th but nope, when I called back they said "nope you dont have a follow up. We can schedule you for Jan 15th" ok sure whatever I'll take it. I get transferred to some other dept to get them to send the clinicals. I leave a voicemail. Call back the next day, "oh it looks like you dont have a follow up. We are all booked for January, we have Feb 15th". Now I'm more mad, but not like I can do jack shit about it. Nevada sucks. They tell me they're going to send over the clinicals.

Two weeks later, I call the radiology office. They still havent received it. I get the fax number and call my neurologist back. They say "they need the referral?" "No, they need clinical forms" "what do they need?" Now a bitch snapped. I was ready to rip the skin off my body. Nice bitch left the building "I dont know, why dont you call them? Why am I doing your job for you? Why is nobody coordinating a simple fucking referral correctly? Do you need me to come in and do your job for you? Is that where we're at? What forms do they need.. ain't that yall job to know?"

I was especially mad because my dentist pulled some tomfoolery as well. I got work done. Very expensive work. It took several months to do, I just assumed it was all billed at once. I dont know, I only worked in a dental office for like 2 months, it's not exactly my strength. It's not my job to do their job, I thought they had it handled. I go in today, and they say "we see you didnt have insurance for two of your visits. The delta dental didnt cover two of the claims so you'd receive a large bill if we dont get updated info" (my work had to be done in different visits, and I had to pay a large amount of money so I assumed that was all I had to do on my end. Stupid, I know). I pull up my phone to find my insurance info for Feb/March. As I was leaving, it started to hit me. What the fuck?? Everytime I've worked with billing or insurance verification, it is done before every visit or at least before a very expensive visit. When I was in billing I literally checked eligibility before any claims was sent, everytime. It takes 5 fuckin minutes to do, if you dont have hot air for a brain. How the shit does this go unchecked for 10 fucking months??? Why was I not contacted about this months ago?? Do I really need to micromanage every office I see a doctor at now since this shit just keeps happening all the fucking time?? Can I never think "they should have two brain cells left to be able to properly bill my visit without oversight" ever again??

#and my psychiatrist overcharged me for months because they thought they didnt take my insurance WHEN THEY FUCKING DID #i ended up getting a call like oops remember when we said we were out of network well we are not HOW DO YOU FUCK THAT UP

[srlkiller]

ive realised that my self esteem & just general ‘sense of self’/love for myself is so awful & low.. horribly dependant & reliant on something or someONE else these days & i absolutely fucking loathe myself for ittttttt bc im beyond self aware.. yet ive jus never been loved my entire life by even my own parents to be shown that im worth a singular fuck so the bar is so low for humans… i seemingly will jus allow the fucking worst bc i guess subconsciously that’s what ive always been taught/shown/drilled into me by my parents to believe that i deserve? wen i know it’s not at all bc literally NO ONE deserves to be treated like shit by another human being. i have trouble saying the words no to other people. i have a lot of trouble just standing up for myself these days.. especially the lonelier i get, the more isolated i have become & older ive gotten. i found comfort in being alone & definitely got to know myself sm better.. then i went thru horrible shit all over again & lost myself completely.. all over again.. & haven’t been able to rebuild myself back up since then.. ive only gone downhill.. over & over & over. i know that I AM the only one that inevitably can help myself & save myself.. i have to do the work & put in the effort etc etc but it’s so hard with absolutely ZERRROOO support system of any kind & feeling like you have nothing & no one.. not one family member.. not one pet.. nothing at all anymore. everything has been ripped from me, taken by force or by death itself. I’ve been broken sm times but now that ive finally been able to let someone in again on some kind of romantic level.. im terrified.. so im letting them jus walk all over me which is the total opposite of who I am & everything i stand for, emulate as a woman & my whole fucking energy as a being. i don’t recognise myself at all so ive totally seperated myself from whoever this is.. the body, the mind.. the soul. i numb every feeling n thought i can.. whenever i can. but wow just having this huge surgery & putting my body under such duress & jeopardy was lowkey such a wake up call bc wtf?! IVE NEVER DONE NO SHIT LIKE FHIS BEFORE FOR ANYONE ELSE?!?! AND FOR WHAATTTT?!?! HE HAD THE PERF OPPORTUNITY TO DO EVERYTHING FHE RIGHT WAY N STILL FUXKED IT UP TO SATISFY HIS OWN SELFISH NEEDS.. so wtf am i doing? what am i doing risking myself for someone like that… i look stupid, feel stupid.. & could get left at any minute which would send me spiraling for someone who is quite frankly… not even close to what i need in a man or what ive ever wanted. im simply cheating myself out of a great self help story.. as i turn 29.. i reach my last year if my 20’s & I’ll b damned if i waste that shit on some young dumb n full of cum mf who doesn’t even give a fuck ab my health in any capacity who is probably lying n doing god knows what behind my back anyway… I seriously just need to put myself first.. just try.. I need to try. bc remember when I did? how proud I was? how it worked? it’s always worked. time to start writing goals n writing shit down again.. as we start approaching this date n it gets closer n closer.. on the 25/11/23 I’ll be 29 yall. it’s the 13/11/23 today. 11 days to get things in order. my goals don’t even need to be big I jus need to get things ‘in order’… ‘ready for 29’ sounds like a cool lil title.. as my bday is pretty much leading into the New Year anyway it’d b cool to get a lil head start on others too. like the needles into my head for alopecia which I have an appt for jus before my bday.. lashes n brows I have that appt for.. i needa get my actual hair done somehow.. before nye!! change my piercings to cold & possibly get another?! more tattoos!! coverup of the Drake matching one for sure. Look into studying pharmacology or some other career pathway course.. possibly something with units I’ve completed already at uni?? i need to write a list.. basically is what I’m saying as some things are more easy fix small goals that are appearance self care based, some are medium level, some are mental, some are spiritual, some are academic, some will take

[returntosaturn271995]

December 8th: Awkward-Power Hour vs. Depressive Episode

A lesson I have to continually relearn as I challenge myself to be productive through depressive episodes is that motion is just as addictive as stagnation. If yesterday was about working out through tears, then today was a comedy of errors through frustration. That said, once I was out and moving, my motivation kicked in. Annoyed motivation. Borderline spiteful motivation. It didn’t cure my irritability or depression, but it got on board with getting shit done. 

I put a leash on the little monster again and got my gas tank filled, my car washed, and was told by a very condescending Vavoline employee that “No, we cannot just turn your check-engine light off so you can pass a smog check.”

Sigh. Fair enough. At least, this way I could be sick of lines and car issues instead of sick of myself. Still an upgrade. I took out the trash, did some laundry, meditated. The very applicable point of today’s lesson is that it’s okay if gratitude isn’t always flowing. I even did squats (and was immediately sore). 

The point is I didn’t break my stride even when I low key really felt like breaking my stride. I’m even writing in this journal about a day that was pretty average. But that’s kind of the point. An average day is better than one thrown away because it didn’t start perfectly. 

You can sleep in until 1 and still have a power hour. Start where you are, even when your psyche is screaming that you can’t. Set a barrier (early hair appt) that makes it harder to make the same mistake again tomorrow. Give yourself tools, a yoga mat or organized sneaker and leggings rack, that make your fitness goals that much more achievable even if it’s just 30 seconds at a time. 

Everything happens one second at a time anyway. 

I’m proud of today. It was awkward, felt uncomfortable and anxious, but it still happened. My brain was pissed, but it was still on my side. Last night I dreamed of gigantic waves and waiting for bombs to go off, I slept in late and felt cold. But I didn’t just give up on it and push my life back another day. I pulled back when I caught myself ruminating. I took my fucking meds. I tried to find wonder in the mundane. 

So the streak is still going. Counting in the right direction.

Tomorrow I’m getting my hair blown out, going to lunch with Natalie and trying on outfits before my date with Matt. That’s glam as hell and I’m earning it today in clean, wet hair and my $15 slippers. 

 That’s the thing about gratitude. Sometimes when you acknowledge that it’s okay that you aren’t feeling it, you feel grateful for not giving yourself the guilt trip. 

Now time for some weed and Arrested Development. 

[vtforpedro]

health update - long post

hi everyone! I think it's been a month and a half or so since my last update I saw a rheumatologist, had MRIs done, and got my results back from my hematologist SO cancer: still undetectable in my blood, check every 3 months and hope it doesn't show up for a long time lol \o/ I don't think I can say I'm in remission until a certain amount of time has passed but I hope I can say that one day MRIs: actually show some possible improvement with the chiari and spinal fluid flow? and if there IS improvement (like the radiologist who wrote the report had the MRI from a year ago as reference and his findings were all 'normal' compared to april 2020, but it was hard to get an answer out of my neurologist and neurosurgeon if there was solid evidence of physical improvement). but yeah IF there's improvement, that is highly indicative of IIH because my neurosurgeon told me when people with IIH lose weight, the chiari often corrects itself because there's less pressure and more room in the skull for the cerebellar tonsils to be in a normal position. regular chiari that you're born with doesn't do that lol so if there IS improvement with weight loss, then yeah, IIH. even if they don't wanna put in the diagnostic code for it without a lumbar puncture sigh lol I hate typing this because I'm so paranoid it'll all go to shit if I talk about it, but there have been improvements as I've lost weight. I seem to have a couple weeks where my head isn't so severe, mostly manageable with a few awful days. then I'll have a few weeks of it being Really Really bad with a few not-so-awful days. which IIH can do this sort of 'remission' thing but considering it was like 24/7 with no breaks for a year I'd say this is moving in the direction I want it to completely changed my diet a handful of months ago and adjusting it still to be even healthier/more fulfilling. I started using the Noom app (paid sub version) cause it's so focused on psychology instead of 'dieting' and building habits that are sustainable in the long, long-term. I really love it so far. the routine of doing it at the same time every day has already made me feel better mentally about my weight loss journey despite my struggles with losing weight, I am officially down 20lbs \o/ they say for improving/curing IIH, you need to lose 10-20% of your body weight. well, 10% down! time to lose another 20, but I don't find it intimidating and I'm not dreading it. it's hard to have hope, especially on really bad weeks, but I'm taking it one day at a time. definitely not cured but I'm aiming for 40lbs more (so 60 altogether) and by then, maybe, just maybe.... rheumatologist/autoimmune disorder results: so I went to a rheum cause I got that positive autoimmune disorder blood test with the possibility of lupus or scleroderma. she said that she gets so many hematology patients because leukemia and lymphoma have blood antibodies, so it will almost always show up as positive on this antibody test and most people actually won't have an additional autoimmune disorder. I don't have a lot of symptoms of lupus or scleroderma according to her, so she told me don't worry about autoimmune disorders for three months. don't think about them. we'll repeat labs then and see what they say. so that's good news so far and I hope it remains that way 15%+ of the population will test positive on the same test without having any health issues, which I found interesting. and I asked since I already have an autoimmune disorder, tho it's endocrine versus rheumatic, if that would also trigger a positive result and she said yes it would! so yeah... I hope by late July I can still say I don't have an additional autoimmune disorder I see a gastroenterologist tomorrow for the bloating/abdominal pain and other stuff I've been having. I have a feeling I'll be given some antacids (or w/e they're called when it's prescription strength) and that will improve. but jfc I'm up to eight specialists now lol NINE doctors are following my health god it's such a shitty feeling especially when I can barely trust any of them. at

least they all believe me now, but it cost me my quality of life and mental health to even get to this point so I'm still feeling pretty fucking bitter and angry about it all you know what's really hard about completely changing my diet + starting new medications/supplements? for some reason at the beginning of all of this when I was experiencing repeated trauma at the ER, my brain developed a phobia of allergic reactions, despite the fact that I've never had one for food/medicine (I'm talking anaphylactic reactions). so now every single new thing I eat, every new med or supplement, I go through panic attacks for days on end thinking I'm going to die before it starts easing. also, anxiety makes your throat feel like it's closing up and that it's harder to breathe already so lmao fun times. I literally never thought about this in all my life and I never even experienced an allergic reaction to develop this intense fear, so you know. fuck doctors for putting me through this when it was all so unnecessary sigh anyway. still can't watch videos, tv, movies, read, bend over, walk for longer than 5 minutes, and can't talk for long either because it'll trigger a head episode. I'm terrified I won't be able to do these things ever again, but I'm still aiming for my goal weight no matter what and I know I can get there bouncing between misery and hopelessness, and slightly less misery and some hope right now, but I guess that's better than it's been for a year, right? sorry for rambling. I feel like a lot has gone on but I've also had the biggest gaps between doc appts in a while which is a relief just because I can't stand being in medical buildings or around doctors anymore completely vaccinated too, so that's another relief, but I'm wearing masks until americans get their heads out of their asses and we start seeing little to no community spread cause I am still immunocompromised. wouldn't it be nice if people like, idk, cared about each other ok sorry! I hope you're all well and healthy and safe. I love you very much and I'm grateful for your support, forever and always! <3

#medical #personal #long post #i'm so fucking tired guys #just absolutely exhausted 24/7 #i desperately need therapy because my mental health is HOO not good not good at all #whenever i can finally talk long enough to have therapy I'm gonna ask them to send the bill to all of the doctors that ruined me lmao

[joon-ipersgirl]

“inked heart” - jjk oneshot

genre: friends to lovers!au, fluff, a teensy dash of angst

pairing: tattoo artist!guk x tattoo artist!reader (f)

summary: jeon jungkook, a rising star in the tattoing world, is looking to take home best large black and white piece at the 25th annual milano tattoo convention. already one to watch from his previous wins as a young artist, pressures rise when his model for the competition cancels half an hour before the show. 

always there when he needs you, you offer to be his model but jungkook is reluctant, especially when the piece is in a more... intimate place. and the fact that he’s been in love with you for the better part of two years. jungkook isn’t too sure how he’s going to survive the next three hours, not when you ask him if he thinks you’re attractive. 

caught between a rock and a hard place, does he lie to you and himself when the prize is on the line? it’s go big or go home...

word count: 5.9k

warnings: some guk pining, cursing, mentions of heartbreaker jimin, the smallest dash of angst about not winning, tattoo artist yoongi

a/n: my first guk piece! thank you guys so much for the love on the preview, especially your comments. they honestly make my day. i hope this lives up to your expectations and you enjoy it just as much. this was a random idea i had and i love tattooed guk so here we are. i tried my best to make sure all the tattoo things were accurate so if they aren’t sorry in advance 😭 this was a lot of fun to write and i’m actually debating on writing some other things for this couple (especially for guk’s birthday), but i’m not sure yet. let me know if y’all are interested though and i’ll see what i can come up with. as always, thank you vi for supporting my shenanigans and reading this like four times lmao. feedback is always welcomed and highly appreciated. enjoy everyone! 

full masterlist // drabbles

Jungkook’s body buzzed with excitement as he squeezed past the bustling bodies at the 25th annual Milano Tattoo Convention. His fourth year at the world’s largest tattooing competition with a chance to take home the prize for “Best Large Black & White” piece against four hundred incredible artists had Jungkook amped up and ready to go. Some of his inspirations - legends in the game - were mere feet away from him as he browsed the almost endless stations filled with merchandise, displays of new tattoo designs, and occupied benches with models. There was almost nothing he enjoyed more than being around the sound of buzzing guns and filling sheets of half-filled paper with sketches his brain had no issues conjuring up but sometimes struggled to complete. Well, except food. And video games. And you. Not really the point though.

He’d been tattooing for almost six years now, from the moment he’d been able to convince Yoongi to let him be his apprentice. Jungkook had wasted no time in starting his own personal tattoo collection, quickly filling in a full sleeve on his right arm going across his right pectoral and another upper half sleeve on his left. Now, he was making his own name in the art world, commissioning pieces solely off his ability to execute various styles well with very little practice. Jungkook was a jack of all trades and very nearly a master of all. He was a risk-taker and it had paid off for him during his time at Milano, taking home “Best Small Black & White” his second year at the ripe age of twenty, and then “Best Medium Black & White” the following year. Yoongi could barely believe it when the judges called his name and announced him the winner but Jungkook knew his mentor’s chest was swollen with pride. This time, though, there were bigger fish to fry - “Best Large Black & White” in a style Jungkook had just begun feeling comfortable with: fine line tattoos.

He paused at the Killer Ink booth where Hori Kashi was working on a beautiful traditional koi fish upper half sleeve design as his phone buzzed. An Instagram notification.

_petuniablooms: hey jungkook! im so sorry this is last minute but i won’t be able to make the convention to be your model. I got a bad case of food poisoning from dinner last night. i hope this doesn’t cost you the comp. but when you’re back in the country, maybe i can schedule an appt? sorry again!

Jungkook blinked slowly. She couldn’t make it? This was not part of his plan. She was supposed to be here in the next half an hour so he would have enough time to complete his piece for judging in four hours. As one of the younger artists at the convention and with immense amounts of talent, people wondered how long Jungkook would be able to sustain his efforts, especially after taking home prizes in one of the major categories two years in a row. Most of them thought he would burn out after his second year or third year, but here he was. Competitive by nature, Jungkook wanted to prove them wrong - that he really did have what it took to be one of the best in the game. A legend in his own right. He shoved his phone back into his black cargo pants pocket and tugged on his curling brown locks. What was he going to do now?

“Guk! Hey, Guk!” He could barely make out your petite frame as you shoved and elbowed your way through the throngs of folk gathered around booths. You were set on getting to him though, your smaller form not holding you back from covering the distance, your brow set in determination whenever he did get glimpses of your face in the crowd.

That was something Jungkook admired about you: your no-nonsense-get-it-done attitude. Friends for almost three years now, he’d seen the way you’d taken charge of almost every opportunity that came your way. You didn’t take no as the final answer and if you couldn’t find a way to make it happen, you created your own. Either way, you got it done. As the first lead female tattoo artist at your shop, Sin City, you’d also made a name for yourself in the tattooing world as a specialist in black and white shading. Your signature though was the three-color-combination color style you developed for your color tattoos. That’s how the two of you had met - the year he’d won “Best Small Black & White”, you’d taken home “Best Medium Color” - and the two of you hadn’t looked back since.

“Gosh, there’s so many people here. It was so hard to find you. I knew I should have checked the Kashi booth first,” you said after finding a pocket of space next to him and hugging his torso.

“Y/N, it’s a convention. Of course there’s going to be a lot of people here,” he replied, wrapping his arms around you, subconsciously looking for comfort in your touch.

Though the two of you mostly had conflicting schedules due to the demand for your work, you did your best to make time for one another. Jungkook had grown accustomed to seeing you every few weeks for lunch or on Friday nights with beer and chicken for Marvel movie marathon weekends. He didn’t dwell on it too much - how ridiculously domestic a lot of your traditions were - not wanting to shake the table and send the precariously perched house of cards pyramid the two of you had created crashing to the ground, upsetting the balance of your friendship. No, Jungkook would leave those thoughts right where they were.

He more felt than saw you roll your eyes as you said, “Yes, Guk. Conventions have lots of people. This just seems like a health and safety hazard though.” Jungkook squeezed you as you pressed closer to him, slightly uncomfortable as more people gathered in the area.

“Alright, let’s go,” he replied, reminding himself to search for the finished koi design afterward as the two of you walked away. “How’d your piece go?”

“So fucking good!” you beamed and turned your face towards him. He couldn’t help but smile back. “Though I don’t know if it’ll win this year, the guy seemed to be really pleased and that’s all that matters. Plus, t-shirt sales have gone up. Like way up! Speaking of which, you should buy one. My t-shirt design on your body?” you did the chef’s kiss, “Impeccable!” you exclaimed and grinned.

Your smile was another thing Jungkook admired about you. The faintest dimples appeared when you did and there was almost never a moment when he couldn’t not smile with you. It was a smile that reached your twinkling eyes and illuminated your face with a glow. Like right now, as you’re striking poses and modeling your black and white cityscape background covered with your shop’s name in a candy red color, a tattoo gun positioned to finish the last line of the last letter on the white tee in the middle of the crowded aisle in some of the shortest shorts he’s ever seen you wear in public. When did you get those?

“You know what would look good on my body?” you asked as the pair of you carried on walking. Me, he thought, but knew where this conversation was really going. “One of your tattoo designs!”

Jungkook sighed. “Y/N, we’ve already talked about this -”

“I know, Guk, but you literally have no reason to not tattoo me,” you whined. “You’ve tattooed every single one of your other friends! Hell, even Yoongi has a tattoo by you.”

“Yoongi has what?” the older man asked as he bumped into you two as you passed the registration booth.

“A tattoo by Jungkook,” you pouted, arms crossed.

It wasn’t that Jungkook didn’t want to tattoo you. He just didn’t want to fuck up a design that would be permanently etched into your skin for the rest of your life. He wanted to create something that was beautiful for you, something that really conveyed the importance of your presence in his life, but every time he sat down to do so, nothing seemed good enough. You’d been seriously begging him for the better part of a year to do something - anything - but he’d refused saying that he didn’t have the time. Secretly, he just didn’t want to fail and let you down.

“Ah, that age-old debate. It’ll happen one day, kid,” Yoongi said as he patted your shoulder gently. “What time are you setting up, Jeon? Your model’s supposed to be here soon, right?” Yoongi asked.

“Fuck!” Jungkook shouted, tugging on his hair and startling a few people around him. “Fuck, fuck, fuck! I don’t have one. She can’t make it. I have to find someone else,” he yelled as he took off, no destination really in mind.

“Wait! Guk -” you called after him but he didn’t stop.

Sometimes, being around you was dangerous as Jungkook could quite literally forget what it was he needed to be doing. There was just something about you that made him lose focus, just a little bit. He couldn’t have that right now. Jungkook needed to be on his A-game, scouting a model that would give him consent in - he checked his phone - twelve minutes.

The one time Jungkook needed someone to be interested in his work, there wasn’t a single soul around. Where had all the people who were begging him to schedule them in for a quick session disappeared to? None of the people passing by were interested in getting a random, floral design done by Jeon Jungkook today, unfortunately. It was as though the devil of the tattoo underworld had cursed him the one time he could have used some luck for the sole purpose of being entertained. Circling back to the D-Town Tattoos booth, Jungkook was running out of options. Shit.

“There you are!” you wheezed as you came to a halt and rested your hands on the table in front of you. “Fuck, I forgot how fast you are.”

“Y/N, I don’t have time. I have to find a model -”

“Why don’t you just use Y/N?” Yoongi asked as he calmly took a seat next to his bench, a tall young man following behind him.

“I couldn’t -” Jungkook spluttered, eyes wide.

“Like you said, Jeon, you don’t have time,” Yoongi reminded him, setting up his work station for his client.

Jungkook looked over at you, still slightly hunched over and trying to catch your breath. This was not how he’d wanted to do this. “Are you sure, Y/N? I don’t know if -”

“Fuck yeah, dude!” you said interrupting him. “100%. Let’s do this!”

Jungkook watched as you made yourself comfortable on his workbench, waiting for him to get started. The fact that you weren’t nervous only added to his apprehension, the fear of potentially disappointing you resurfacing and rising in his gut. It felt like he was taking a risk with stakes much higher than he was willing to bet on, but the trust you had in him had him saying, “Okay. Fill out the consent forms and I’ll pull up the design.”

“What are we working with?” you asked curiously, handing the clipboard back over to him, not really reading it and only signing your name in the designated spots.

“Thigh piece,” he murmured, concentrating on finding the correct sketch on his iPad.

“Sounds fun. I know it’s going to be amazing, Guk. Don’t worry,” you reassured him. He smiled warily as you gave his shoulder a tender squeeze.

Nodding more to himself than you, he showed you the design. @_petuninablooms, like her name suggested, loved flowers. So much so, she’d wanted a full piece dedicated to that specific flower as well as whatever other floral arrangements she thought Jungkook could make look pretty against her skin. She’d won his Instagram contest to be his model for free at the convention because of her sentimental design and background as a botanist, something that piqued Jungkook’s interest. Though he was proud of the design, it didn’t seem to fit you.

“I don’t know, Y/N. I don’t know if it’ll fit your style,” he said, gesturing to your upper half sleeve. The three faces of Frida Khalo, Nefertiti, and Tomoe Gozen were beautifully designed and organized by you as a symbol of feminine unity - embodying passion, leadership, and grace. A much edgier piece than what currently sat on the screen of his iPad designed for his winner, he wasn’t sure how you’d feel about the softer image.

“I told you, Guk. You could tattoo anything on me and I’d be happy. Maybe even more happy than if you’d let me tattoo you. I just want to have something of yours on me - support your craft, you know? Besides,” you said zooming in on the flowers, your gold rings shining in the light, “I like petunias.” Jungkook wasn’t sure if you were only saying this to make him feel better, but he was grateful for your encouragement anyway.

“Uh, I’m going to need you to take your shorts off,” he said hesitantly. “Yoongi, this isn’t against the rules, right? Like having another artist sit for you?” Jungkook asked, turning to give you some privacy though anyone walking past would be able to see you shimmy out of them as there was no curtain or door to shield you.

“Nope. Not that I’ve read,” Yoongi replied, concentrating on his design. Jungkook nodded, steeling himself to focus and get the job done. What he wasn’t expecting was to see you adjusting the band of some very high-waisted, very skimpy, black panties. He nearly choked.

“Does this need to be further up? If not, I can take them off for you. I don’t -”

“No!” Jungkook cried out as he tore his eyes away from the curve of your ass. “I can just move the stencil. It’ll be fine,” he continued after clearing his throat.

“Okay,” you said awkwardly. Jungkook apologized for his outburst as he wheeled himself over to sit in front of you on his little stool. He was making a much bigger deal of this entire situation that it needed to be. He’d seen you in a bikini before, but something about seeing you in your underwear sitting before him was different.

“Relax, Jeon. It’s only a thigh!” Yoongi teased, his head down but his shit-eating grin very much present as he worked on the shading on his client’s forearm. Though Yoongi would never say anything to you out of respect for Jungkook, Jungkook knew Yoongi enjoyed putting him through the wringer whenever you were around.

“Not just a thigh! It belongs to me. My thigh is prime real estate, Min Yoongi. There’s a lot of artists that have been wanting to get in on this,” you joked. Jungkook laughed as he prepped your skin for placing the stencil with rubbing alcohol, hating the fact that he couldn’t feel your skin through the latex gloves but also grateful for the sensory blocker. He knew you were right though - lots of artists did want to work on you and have you walk around with their work as free endorsement of their skill. Honestly, this was a prime opportunity and he should make the most of it.

“Would you be okay with me changing this larger petunia into a mandala? I know you like those,” Jungkook suggested.

“Guk, this is your piece. I told you, I’m good with whatever,” you said cheerfully.

“Keep talking like that I’ll tattoo my name on your ass,” he quipped as he adjusted the design before placing it.

“Make it your face and we just may have a deal,” you shot back and Yoongi gagged from his corner. Jungkook did not want to think about the potential implication of those words.

He wasn’t sure if he’d be able to survive the next three and a half hours with you making suggestive comments while standing in your barely-there underwear, but he was going to have to. Of course, as friends, you’d always had the occasional flirty banter but the “Best Large Black & White” prize was calling his name and God did he want to win. He double-checked the placement of the design as it stretched from just above your hip bone to finish in the middle of your thigh. His adjustments were so precise, it covered the expanse of your thigh damn near perfectly. Jungkook grinned.

“Ready?” he asked, holding up a mirror as you checked out the placement, twisting from side to side.

“Yeah, looks great. How do you want me?”

Jungkook paused as he set up his rolling tray filled with his ink caps and laid out his sterilized needles. There were more than a few ways he could answer that but he settled on, “However you’re most comfortable. You’re going to be here for a while.”

You laughed and climbed onto the bench, giving Jungkook a perfect view of your ass, before you settled against the leather on your left side. Jungkook adjusted the height of his seat so he could position on your thigh with your bent knee resting against the bench and angled towards him. Confirming you were indeed comfortable, Jungkook gently rubbed the A&D ointment across the first section of the design, taking slightly longer than necessary, and got to work. There was a little over three hours to get it done.

He worked diligently as he traced the fine lines of the flower petals, slipping into his professional mode. A small crowd had gathered around the booth, intrigued to see him work on you. Most of the folks there knew about your friendship from social media and mutual community-work settings, how the two of you had bonded over your shared love of tattoos, but seeing the two of you together like this was a real treat. He didn’t feel any pressure as the cameras fought to get a glimpse of him working though. Jungkook did well under pressure but there was a lot riding on this one piece. For him and for you. He wouldn’t disappoint you though. He couldn’t. Not when you looked so peaceful as he worked on the tattoo. Jungkook would win and make you proud.

“Guk, I have a question.”

“What’s up?”

“Would you fuck me?” Jungkook was thankful he’d removed the needle from your skin to wipe off the extra ointment as there was no doubt in his mind he would have fucked up had it been there.

“What?” he asked, slightly breathless.

“Okay, maybe that was a bit vulgar. I guess what I mean is do you think I’m attractive? Like -” you tucked a loose strand of your hair behind your ear, “- a woman you’d spend the night with. Date long-term. That sort of thing,” you finished. Jungkook swallowed before he spoke.

“Uh, yeah. You’re an attractive person.” Jungkook replied, avoiding eye contact with you as he went back to tracing the lines and tried not to think of you under him, around him, on top of - “Why do you ask?”

“I don’t know. It’s been a while since I’ve been in a relationship - since anyone has even asked me on a date. Seokjin never called me back after we went for drinks that one time and Jimin - nevermind actually,” you sighed and Jungkook re-lived the memory of Park Jimin with you - the second man to break your heart in a matter of months. His face soured as he remembered how inconsolable you were the first few months after the breakup and how badly he’d wanted to take a baseball bat to Jimin’s very nice, very expensive car. “Maybe I’m unapproachable. Yoongi, am I unapproachable?” you called over to him.

“Yes,” he said dryly, not bothering to look at you. You scoffed in response.

“You’re never the best person to ask, you old man! People barely talk to you,” you murmured.

“Y/N, you’re great,” Jungkook said in response. “You’re more than great actually, but maybe now isn’t the time to get into a relationship?”

“Why not? I have a stable job, I’m cool -”

“Barely!” Yoongi called over. Jungkook watched you shoot Yoongi the finger before you began speaking again.

“- and I’m charming. It would be nice if someone could appreciate that too, someone that wasn’t only me.”

“Hey! I appreciate you!” Jungkook blurted out, slightly offended.

“Yeah, like a friend. Guk, you know you don’t -”

“Don’t say it. Don’t tell me I don’t count, Y/N.”

“But Jungkook -”

Jungkook paused and set his gun down. “No. No ‘but Guk’, Y/N. I appreciate you, more than you know or understand. I get that we’re friends and I know you value our friendship, but you don’t get to tell me I don’t count because you think you know how I feel about you. Please don’t let your perception of my words and actions let you label them “friendly” when they’re something else.” Jungkook picked his gun back up, avoiding your gaze again, slightly alarmed by his unplanned confession.

“What? What do you mean ‘something different’?” you asked, confused. “Was I supposed to read this any differently after you said -”

“You weren’t supposed to know. You weren’t supposed to find out - not like this at least,” he muttered. Taking a deep breath, he said, “Just don’t count me out okay, Y/N? Not this time. Can we talk about this later though? I just -”

Before he could finish, Jungkook’s alarm went off, signaling only an hour and a half left before he needed to be taking you for judgement. “Okay, Guk. I won’t count you out. Finish,” you said softly as you nodded to your tattoo and chewed your lip in thought.

With time against him, you and Jungkook no longer conversed, though the conversation rattled in his brain like loose change in a tin can. He would need much more than a penny for his thoughts if he wanted to get out of this situation. The hasty confession had Jungkook wondering if he’s said too much too soon. Had he finally sent the house of cards tumbling down? It’s not that he hadn’t wanted to say anything, but the fear of you not meaning what you’d said frightened him. Memories of the two of you curled up on his aging leather sofa flickered across his mind’s eye and he wondered if this fuck up was worse than the time he’d quickly denied having any romantic feelings for you the morning after a drunk confession and you’d reciprocated the feelings. It had taken a few months for things to return back to any type of normal, an uneasy tension having over you both whenever you’d met up. Every few seconds his eyes flitted to your face, hoping to catch a glimpse of whatever you were thinking sprawled across your forehead in your big, looping handwriting but your eyes were closed and your face fairly serene as you let him work in silence.

And work he did, shoving the thoughts to the back of his mind, finishing the last lines of the final petunia and filling in the mandala with various degrees of shading. He admired the delicacy of his work against your smooth skin, deciding it did suit you, much more than he could have hoped. Jungkook was actually slightly disappointed he was close to finishing, already missing the intimacy of working on you, but also eager to get you on stage so people could see his work. He’d gotten lost in the act like he usually did, concentration never breaking as the rest of the Milano Convention continued in full effect around him. Why had he waited so long to do this? You were a dream to work on, never flinching even as he finished up the minute shading of your tattoo, the worst part for many people. A true tattoo veteran with a hell of a pain tolerance. Roughly ten minutes left in the session, Jungkook wrapped up the piece.

“All done,” he said softly, wiping away the excess ointment and admiring his work briefly.

He heard you gasp as you propped yourself up to get a better view of it. “Holy fuck, Jungkook! It’s perfect. I love it!” you whispered in amazement and Jungkook smiled, relieved to not have disappointed you.

“Let me get some pictures, yeah?” You nodded and Jungkook snapped a few shots, promising to send them to you after the convention ended.

“Looks good, Jeon. And you got it done in time. You learned well,” Yoongi chuckled as Jungkook weakly punched his shoulder. “Are you happy, Y/N?” Yoongi asked as he packed up his spare equipment while his client waited patiently to be escorted to judging.

“Happy?” you scoffed, checking the tattoo out again in the mirror. “How about fucking ecstatic? I’m absolutely in love. Seriously Guk, thank you,” you beamed and launched yourself at him for a hug. Jungkook made eye contact with Yoongi as he held you tight in his arms, the older man relaying a silent message to his younger apprentice through raised eyebrows and crossed arms.

“Alright, alright. You can stare at it more later. We have to get to the judges and make it through all these people so,” Jungkook trailed off, letting you go while simultaneously ushering you out of their designated little space. Agreeing, you grabbed your teeny shorts and shoved your feet back into your sneakers. Jungkook stayed close behind you in an effort to cover your very visible, very exposed ass from peering eyes as you moved through the crowd. As much as he hated to admit it, he was really protective of you.

The trek to the judging station wasn’t as official as the name made it sound. It was really just a small stage raised a few inches above the ground with a table and enough chairs to seat the three judges as artists and their models were scored based on design, complexity, and overall execution. This year’s judges were Jung Hoseok of J’s Tailored Tattoos, Kim Namjoon of Mono & Moon, and Kim Taehyung of Vintage Vante. The three of them were rightfully deemed the gods of the tattoo world and Jungkook looked up to them immensely, each of them having numerous titles on the world stage in countries like Brasil, the United Kingdom, and Australia. Nerves rolled in Jungkook’s belly as he waited in the crowd with you for the host to call his name. A win with these guys as the judges would really put some of those naysayers in their place and Jungkook shuffled in place behind you, antsy.

“What’s wrong, Guk?’ you whispered to him as another artist and model headed on stage.

“What if they don’t like it?” he murmured anxiously.

“Do you like it?” Jungkook nodded. “Then that’s all that really matters. You’re insanely talented and I know they’re some of your role models, but they’re fucked if they don’t see how incredible you are. You’ve got this, Guk,” you said in a hushed tone as Yoongi took the stage with his model from earlier. Jungkook smiled into the back of your head as you stood in front of him and gave his hand a squeeze. Jungkook could always count on you.

It was now his turn. Standing with one hand tucked into his pocket and the other firmly gripping your shorts, Jungkook watched as the judges made their notes on their scoring sheets. You turned graciously to give all three of them the best view of the tattoo. And while he knows that there are probably a few people who’d be overjoyed at the challenges he faced to get to this moment, Jungkook didn’t care. Not when your uplifting words still wrapped around him, affirming his skill and talents. He was proud of what he’d accomplished today and while winning was the ultimate goal, he was also at ease because he’d succeeded in fulfilling one of your wishes and you were happy. Jungkook could only smile as you showered him with praise and tried to convince him to tattoo you again as the judging continued.

The two of you stood with Yoongi, chatting as the judges tallied up the scores. He tried to stay still as he watched the host organize the names of the winning artists, losing interest in the conversation as the judges confirmed the final results. One by one, the host read the categories and its corresponding champion. “For Best Medium Color,” the host paused for dramatic effect, “Min Yoongi!” Jungkook cheered loudly with you as his mentor took the stage with his model showing off the antique pocket watch and a royal flush poker hand on top of a wispy background.

Jungkook’s heart hammered in his chest, the sensation almost worse than his first year at the convention as Best Large Black & White was read out. Though he wanted to look calm and collected on the outside, Jungkook was sure he looked anything but. The audience created their own drumroll as the anticipation built - “Jeon Jungkook!”

Your squeal kickstarted Jungkook’s brain as he processed his win. He’d really done it? A few people around him clapped him on the shoulders in congratulations as he was pushed towards the stage to collect his prize and take his place beside the host. “Congratulations, Jungkook! One of the few artists to take home all three wins in one category,” the host announced. If only they knew what it took to get there. Jungkook felt like he was on cloud nine as he shook hands with the judges and took his picture with you and them, prize in hand. He knew he was positively glowing with pride.

“Guk, you did it! I told you that you could!” you cheered as you bounced up and down in happiness and excitement as they moved onto Best Large Color. He smiled down at you and unable to help himself any longer, he scooped you up into his arms, burying his face in your neck.

“Thank you, Y/N!” He repeated the phrase earnestly as if saying it over and over again would finally let you understand just how grateful he was but all it really did was make you giggle as his breath tickled your skin. “Seriously, I really couldn’t have done this without you.”

“I know,” you joked and flipped your hair. You both laughed and you pulled him in for another hug as you said, “Of course, Guk. I’m always here for you. Always,” you punctuated with a squeeze and a smile.

“Yeah, yeah,” he agreed. “You are always here for me,” he said vaguely as he stared down at you in his arms.

“Guk?” you queried as he stared off into the distance.

“This isn’t happening because I won. I don’t want you to think that I only do things like this when I’m any sort of intoxicated, okay?” Jungkook clarified as his confidence grew.

“Things like what?”

“Like confess and kiss you,” he stated.

“Kiss me? You’ve never-”

“Yes, I know I’ve never kissed you. But I want to. Is that okay?” Jungkook asked seriously.

“Yes. More than okay,” you whispered.

It was all Jungkook needed to hear. He was finally kissing you. A soft kiss that grew the longer you stood pressed together in the middle of the convention floor. Jungkook had had his fair share of first kisses, but yours was the one he’d remember for the rest of his life. Maybe because it was you. Maybe that’s why it would always be his favorite. He’d always refrained from putting himself in any situation where he’d be even the slightest bit tempted but now, after having you, he wasn’t sure he’d be able to let you go. The overwhelming sensation that it was actually happening was quickly quelled by the insurmountable joy he felt as you kissed because it was actually happening.

Jungkook may have ascended into another plane as your fingers curled into the hair at the base of his neck and you pulled him further into you. Though he really didn’t want you to think he was only doing this because he’d won, the courage it gave him really did help. The feeling of winning nearly paled in comparison from the brief, sweet taste that was you. Even if he’d never won tonight, he would have considered himself a winner regardless from the kiss alone. Jungkook sighed into you as he savored the moment. Through the pounding of blood in his ears, he could vaguely make out the hoots and hollers of passerbyers as he held you close. Lost in you once again, Jungkook forced himself to remember your earlier conversation.

“Did you really mean it though?” he asked, one arm still wrapped tightly around your waist and the other holding onto his golden plaque.

“Mean what?”

“Not counting me out.”

“Did you mean what you said?” you countered. “Even if I wasn’t supposed to find out this way.”

“Yes, and all the times before then,” he answered truthfully. “So, does this mean you’ll have me?”

“Absolutely. Totally. With my entire hea-” He pressed repeated kisses against your mouth, your teeth clashing as you both smiled, neither of you willing to break apart until a familiar voice cleared its throat.

“I leave for five minutes and this is how I find you. Took you long enough though. Be that as it may, are you done?” Yoongi asked, expression wry and his own prize peeking out of his duffle bag. “I could use some food before we head back to the hotel and Y/N is going to need that tattoo bandaged.”

“Right, right,” Jungkook answered and let you go albeit reluctantly. “We’ll meet you at the car?” Yoongi nodded.

“Don’t take forever. I will leave you. Both of you,” Yoongi warned as he headed off to the exit without any further questions.

Back at the booth, Jungkook applied a generous amount of ointment to the piece before securing it with a bandage and double-checking the tape. Helping you step into your shorts, he smiled at the tattoo. Not only would it be a great reminder of a great win, it would also signify the milestone in your friendship - relationship? - was taking. “Told you that you should’ve tattooed me sooner,” you quipped as you gingerly pulled up your shorts.

“Oh yeah? Why’s that?” he asked, playing along as he quickly packed up his things.

“You would have won much sooner,” you murmured, standing before him.

“Really? What would have been my prize instead? Because that plaque is pretty great.” Jungkook sat his bag on the ground and rested his hands on your hips.

“Better than me?” you grinned and he pressed his lips to yours again.

“Looks like I’ll have to come up with another design then,” he hummed.

“Or you can let me and I can tattoo you,” you suggested with a devilish grin.

“And what do you propose?”

“My name. Right here,” you pointed to the empty space on the left side of his chest.

“Only if you let me tattoo my face on your ass,” he joked and gave it a gentle squeeze.

“Deal,” you laughed.

Jungkook said nothing further, only smiled as he laced his fingers between yours and tugged you in the direction of the exit. “Great. I’ll have everything arranged,” he replied. Laughing with you in these moments meant so much to him and while he wasn’t sure what would happen between you after you left the convention and headed home, he would take pleasure in these moments for as long as you’d let him. As the two of you exited the building and hustled across the busy street to the parking garage so Yoongi wouldn’t have an excuse to leave you, Jungkook wondered if you’d known that your name had been inked over his heart a long, long time ago.

full masterlist // drabbles

ⓒ joon-ipersgirl, 2020

#jungkook fic #jungkook x reader #jungkook fluff #jeon jungkook #bts fanfction #jungkook fanfic #jungkook #jjk #bts fanfic #fic: inked heart

[yourfavewriteress]

the turn in our relationship | gabriel landeskog

Teaser: “This is really not just platonic for me anymore, and I’d rather tell you so that you know.”

Warnings: definitely a longer one; mentions of cancer

October 2019

“I thought you said she was going to be here,” I groaned.

“I thought she was going to be here, too!” Tyson exclaimed. “She canceled last minute and I thought you liked to hang out with me and not just her, Y/N.”

“Obviously,” I sighed, rolling my eyes. “It’s fine, I’ll just call her later.”

“Are you sure you’re okay?” He asked, looking down at me outside of his front door where his party was currently going on. The same party that I was supposed to spend with Kacey, Tyson’s sister, until she decided to ditch and not tell me.

I had met Kacey a while ago through school and we immediately became best friends. And, because of her close relationship with Tyson, the three of us were always together. But, tonight, I wanted to see Kacey because I was 100% sure she was the only person that would know what to do in the situation I was currently in.

“I’m fine, Tyson. I just need a drink.”

“Okay,” He sighed. “Can you have fun tonight? You need it.”

“How sweet of you,” I glared at him. “Yes, as soon as I drink something.”

We went inside, and when Tyson went to rejoin his teammates, I beelined straight for the kitchen where the drinks were. As I was looking through the selection, one of Tyson’s teammates appeared. I recognized him as Gabe, the captain of the team. 

I have had very little contact with the captain of the Colorado Avalanche, other than the one time Tyson introduced us at a party. Since then, we never really crossed paths, even though I had built a friendship with EJ, someone he was also close with.

“Hey, Y/N,” Gabe smiled. I furrowed my eyebrows, surprised he even remembered my name. I recovered quickly, smiling politely,

“Hi, Gabe.”

“Why did you make that face?” He laughed. “Is there something wrong?

“No.”

“So,...?” He trailed off, still smiling.

“I didn’t think you remembered my name.”

“Well, I remember,” He responded, grabbing a beer from the fridge. “Is Kacey here?”

“No,” I sighed. “Which is great.”

“I’m sure you’re still gonna have fun,” He said, leaning on the counter. “Tyson would probably lose his mind if you didn’t.”

“Yeah, he would,” I laughed. “The perks of being frie-”

“-Landy! The game’s starting, let’s go!” EJ exclaimed, walking into the kitchen. “Y/N, nice of you to show your face for once.”

“You’re welcome,” I grinned at him. 

He rolled his eyes, “Whatever. We’re gonna do shots later so you better not leave.” He warned me.

“I’ll see you later, Y/N,” Gabe emphasized my name, making me roll my eyes, suppressing the blush that was creeping up my neck.

****

After failing to find any quiet inside of Tyson’s house, I settled for finally making my way to the backyard, sitting on the steps. I really wish Kacey showed up tonight. I sighed, looking up into at the sky that was littered with stars. 

A few minutes alone with my thoughts and fears was enough to force tears to cloud my eyes. As I wiped them, I heard the door open behind me. It closed moments later and I felt someone take the place next to me. Wholly expecting it to be Tyson, I continued holding my head up with my hands.

“It’s crazy how uncontrolled drunk hockey players are.”

I froze, immediately knowing that the voice did not belong to Tyson. Or EJ, for that matter. I picked my head up slowly, locking eyes with Gabe. For the second time in one night.

“Yeah, you guys get pretty wild,” I commented, looking back up at the sky.

“Are you doing okay?” He asked, and I could feel his stare in the side of my face.

“Yeah, I’m fine,” I responded.

“I know we’re not close but I know that look,” He said, smiling softly. “Are you sure you’re good?”

“Like you said, we’re not close. I’m not gonna bore you and you don’t have to act like you care.”

“I do care, though,” He said. “And, it’s wouldn’t bore me. This party is boring me.”

I laughed lightly, shaking my head. “Welcome to the club.”

We sat in silence for a few moments before I spoke again. “I had a really tough day and I just wanted to see Kacey because I feel like she’s the only person that would know how to hold me together right now. But, even if she was here, I still have no idea what to say.”

“Why do you need to be held together?” He asked, his voice soft. 

“You can’t mention this to anyone, especially Tyson,” I said, turning to him.

“I won’t.”

“I don’t even know why I’m about to tell you this,” I breathed.

“Look, we don’t really know each other, you don’t have to worry about me telling anyone what you’re gonna say. You can just get off your chest, here with me, have fun tonight and talk to Kacey tomorrow. You’ll feel better.”

“Are you sure you won’t tell anyone?”

“Y/N, I promise you that it will stay between us. You have my word,” He smiled, reaching over and squeezing my hand. 

“It’s personal,” I sighed, running my hands through my hair. He nodded. “I found this lump, on my, you know.” I gestured towards my chest area.

“Are you serious?” His face dropped.

“Not the best reaction, captain.”

“Shit, I’m sorry, you’re right,” He moved closer to me. “Keep going.”

“I was showering and I feel like everything just froze. I didn’t know what to do. So, I googled, which was probably the worse decision. Everything on the internet makes you think you’re gonna die.”

“Anyone would have told you that the internet is the last place to look for anything like that,” He smiled.

“I had my appointment this morning and I got a mammogram done,” I said. “And, I’m really fucking scared of the results.”

“Have you told anyone?”

“Nope, just you,” I looked down. “Sorry, I know you probably expected something a little less serious.”

“Hey, I asked and I wanted to know,” He assured me. “But, look, you’re what, 27, right?”

“26.”

“Even better. You’re young, Y/N, and you don’t know for sure. It could be nothing.”

“Or, it could be cancer.”

“Look at me,” He said. His hand found mine again, squeezing gently. “Don’t think of the worse, I know it’s hard. But, come on, last I heard, all the guys are scared of you. Even if it is something, which we don’t know for sure, I’m positive it’s no match for you.”

“Thank you,” I said, my voice cracking slightly. Gabe smiled, pulling me into him, hugging me tightly. “I guess we’re no longer acquaintances anymore.”

“Yeah, that was a real turn in our relationship, without a doubt,” He laughed, his chest rumbling against mine.

After the party had ended, I made my way home. I did see Gabe again while taking shots with EJ. When I saw him, I thought I was going to regret telling him everything, since he is a stranger. But, I knew for some reason that I could trust him. Probably because Tyson trusts him so much. 

Once I got home, I saw a text from Kacey.

‘Hey, there’s some really crazy shit going on with the fam, sorry I couldn't make it tonight. I’m just dealing with a lot right now.’

‘Dude, do not worry about it. Everything okay? You wanna hang or space? I’m here for you.’

‘I definitely want to talk to only you, but I’m heading home like now so I won’t see you for at least a couple of weeks.’

‘Facetime me WHENEVER’

‘i will, how was the party?’

‘spent some time with gabe actually.’

‘don’t even text me the details, it has to be over facetime tomorrow, WTF GABE!? did y’all kiss?’

‘bye Kacey lmao we did not.’

November 2019

Two days after the party, I got a text from an unknown number.

‘Hey, it’s Gabe. How are you feeling?’

‘Hi, I’m fine. How did you get my number?’

‘I’m pretty sure we were in the same group chat once and I saved it. Just to know who was talking in the chat.’

‘Sneaky.’

We texted every day for at least a week, just getting to know each other. He was actually a really funny guy and we got along really well. There was never a dull moment in our conversation and I found myself waiting around for texts from him. And, I knew I was developing a crush but I was positive he was responding just out of pity for me after what I told him at Tyson’s party.

Speaking of, I was getting ready for my follow-up appointment, practically pacing around my room as I got dressed.

'What time is your appt again?’ Gabe texted me.

‘Soon, I’m getting ready now.’

‘Kacey and Tys are going right?’

‘No, they're dealing with family stuff right now. I’m going alone.’

‘You’re lying..’

‘No, and you’re distracting me from getting ready.’ Before I could set my phone down, Gabe’s name flashed across my screen. I contemplating not answering, not only because I knew why he was calling, but also because we had never spoken on the phone before. All of our communication has been through text.

I answered, holding the phone up to my ear. “Yes, Gabriel?”

“I’m just calling because I know what you’re gonna say if I text this to you so I wanted you to know for sure. I’m coming to get you and you’re not going to your appointment alone.”

“Gabe,” I sighed. “That’s really sweet of you but we basically just met a week ago, there’s no reason for you to take time out of your life for me.”

“For the last time, we’re friends, and that’s not gonna change at this point. I’m not taking no for an answer. I’m not going to let you go alone, Y/N,” His voice softened at the end and I paused.

“I’ll text you my address,” I mumbled, deciding that it wouldn’t be bad to have Gabe there. He knew exactly what to say at Tyson’s party, who’s to say he won’t do that at the hospital?

Once we ended the call, I finished getting ready, continuing to pace in my living room as I waited for Gabe. I grabbed an apple to try to distract myself but lost my appetite after the first bite. Luckily, there was a knock at the door. I opened it, seeing a smiling Gabe.

“Hey,” He said.

“Hi, I’m giving you another chance to back out, no hard feelings at all.”

“Shut up,” He rolled his eyes, pulling me into his chest and hugging me tightly. I oddly felt safe in his arms, hugging him back. “You ready to go?”

“As I’ll ever be.” 

****

“Y/N Y/L/N?” The nurse appeared from behind the door. My breath hitched in my throat and Gabe paused in his sentence about Tyson’s locker room antics.

Gabe eyed me before holding his finger up to the nurse. He looked back at me, “Hey, you’re gonna be fine. I’ll be right out here.”

I furrowed my eyebrows at him, staring at him for a second before looking down. “Yeah.”

“Unless you want me to come in with you?” He asked. I blushed slightly, remembering that we had just gotten close a week ago and there is no reason for him to be in the room. But, I still feel like I might fall apart without someone in there. In all honesty, I think I would have fallen apart already if it hadn’t been for him.

“Oh, um, no, that’s okay. You can wait out here,” I stood up. Before I could move, Gabe stood up as well, looking down at me.

He grabbed my hand, eyes moving over my face. “Y/N, if you want me to come in with you, I absolutely will. You don’t have to go in alone, I mean it.”

“Would you?” I mumbled.

He nodded, smiling slightly before wrapping his arm around my shoulder and pulling me towards the nurse. As the nurse took my vitals, Gabe stood off to the side, periodically smiling at me. I couldn't help the butterflies that were flowing around my stomach as he kept his full attention on me.

Once the nurse was done and we were left alone in the room, Gabe spoke up. “How are you feeling?”

“I’m nervous but I just want to know at this point. I’m exhausted from thinking about it.”

He smiled in response but before he could respond, the door opened again and my doctor appeared.

“Y/N, nice to see you again,” She smiled brightly.

“Hi, doctor. It’s nice to see you, too,” I responded. “This is my friend, Gabe.”

“Nice to meet you.”

“You as well.”

“Okay, I figured we should just get right to it. I’m sure this has been on your mind a lot.”

“I’m kind of scared,” I said, my eyes darting to Gabe. He smiled comfortingly at me, squeezing my leg. Holy shit, his hand is on my leg.

“Yeah, I think I’ve never experienced this much anxiety.”

“I’m sorry about that,” She nodded. “But, I do have really good news.”

“Are you serious?”

She smiled, “Yes, the lump is not cancerous at all. You are 100% in the clear.”

“I expected the absolute worse,” I mumbled.

“Most people do,” She laughed. “But, I am going to give you a referral to a dermatologist that can help.”

“Okay, that sounds good.” I nodded. She made up the referral before leaving the room.

“What did I tell you?” Gabe smiled.

“I almost peed myself, I swear.”

He laughed, hugging me tightly. “I didn’t doubt it.”

March 2020

It had been months since my cancer scare and I was back to work. Kacey and Tyson were back and I had told them everything. Kacey freaked but was happy that Gabe was there for me. 

In fact, they were both so happy that Gabe and I became close that they made it their mission to put us together in various situations. Inviting me to a gala where I would have to dress up and see Gabe, check. Split up carpools so Gabe and I were alone, check. Make Gabe and I partners in beer pong, check. Make Gabe and I sit together at team parties, check times 300000.

And now, it’s at the point where I can’t continue to be friends with Gabe. 

“I’m falling for him.”

Tyson paused, smirking. “I knew it.”

“Tyson, it’s starting to physically hurt to just be his friend,” I admitted. “This isn’t cute anymore, it’s a little too real.”

“What are you gonna do?”

“What should I do?” I responded.

“Just tell him,” He shrugged.

“No way.”

“Why not? If you tell him, you get it off your chest. If he doesn’t feel the same way, which you and I both know is not true, at least you won’t feel like your feelings are invisible because you told him and he’s not like that.”

****

Taking what Tyson said, the next day I was standing in front of Gabe’s door. I thought about turning around but Tyson's voice continued to ring in my ears. I knocked three times, breathing after. There’s no turning back now.

The door opened, “Hey!” He smiled widely, “What are you doing here?”

He pulled me into a hug before I could respond. I prayed that he couldn’t feel the thud of my heart in my chest. “I need to talk to you.”

“Okay,” He said, pulling away and looking down at me. “Come in.”

I walked past him into his house, turning back around.

“Do you want to sit? You’re making me nervous.”

“Yeah.” We sat down in his kitchen, him staring intently at me.

“Are you okay?”

“I’m fine,” I smiled. “I just wanted to tell you something that I haven’t really been able to get out of my head. You being there for me when I had that scare meant the world to me. For you to just be there during one of the worst times of my life, I can’t even explain how that makes me feel. You’re one of my closet friends and I know that I made jokes a lot about how you didn’t have to worry about me after I got the results, but I knew we would be really good friends by how easily I told you something that was struggling to even tell Kacey.”

He smiled widely, “I’m honored.”

“Ever since then, we’ve just gotten closer and I really do appreciate you and who you are. But, Gabe, this is really not just platonic for me anymore, and I’d rather tell you so that you know.”

He paused for a moment, clearing his throat. “First of all, you know how much you mean to me and you’re one of my best friends. It means a lot to me that you’re telling me this and how you’re feeling. But, Y/N, I am kind of seeing someone, tonight actually.”

“Oh, that’s okay,” I smiled, even though I felt like I had just been punched in the chest for the 100th time. “I just wanted to get it off my chest.”

“Hold on, Y/N, it’s just that I-”

“-No, seriously, it’s okay. I feel like I made things weird. I should go,” I mumbled.

“Hey, hey, hey,” Gabe said, reaching out to grab my hand as I stood up. “Let me finish.”

“No, it’s fine, really. I’ll talk to you later.” 

He looked at me, “Y/N.”

“Gabe, I don’t really want to talk about it anymore.”

He sighed, “Can you call me when you’re ready to talk? And listen?”

I nodded.

April 2020

“Gabe?” I asked, opening my front door. “What are you doing here?”

“When I said I was seeing someone, I meant I had a few dates with this girl EJ introduced me to. I was getting ready to go out with her that night.”

“Gabe, it’s re-”

He cut me off by pushing his way into my home. I closed the door behind him, sighing. “I stopped by her place after you left and told her I couldn't go out with her anymore.”

“What?”

“I met her before we ever really talked and she’s nice but we’d been on at least 5 dates and I still didn’t want to kiss her or anything.”

“You don’t need to explain anything to me,” I mumbled.

“Yes, I do,” He responded. “When we talked at the party, I knew that there was something between us. But I was overthinking so I kept seeing her. I thought you were too good for me. And, I felt like you were going through real shit and I just wanted to be there for you and not push anything.”

“Me? Too good for you?” I scoffed. “Gabriel, you went to a doctor’s appointment to find out if someone you barely knew had breast cancer. You sat in the room!”

“And, I would do anything for you,” He mumbled, stepping closer to me. “This is more than just platonic for me, too, and I would have told you that if you would have called me like you said you would.”

“I thought I embarrassed myself,” I blushed.

“You didn’t,” He smiled. 

“I’m sorry.”

He stepped closer to me, pulling me into his chest and hugging me tightly. “Since when could you not just tell me how you’re feeling?”

“Since I was positive you didn’t feel the same way.”

He laughed, pulling back slightly so that he could look down at me. “Well, you were wrong.”

He grabbed my face, leaning down to press his lips to mine. I smiled against him.

“I want to take you out, on a real date,” He mumbled against my lips. 

“I’d like that,” I kissed him again, right before my front door swung open.

“Well, well, well, what do we have here?” I groaned and Gabe laughed, looking over at his teammate.

“I told you we should have knocked!” Kacey said, following Tyson, who was smirking at Gabe and I.

“Hey, I knew this was coming, I’m not surprised,” He laughed, walking in and making his way into the kitchen. “No pressure, but you guys do look good together and I take full credit.”

“Carry on, we’re just gonna start up in the kitchen,” Kacey smiled sheepishly.

“Start what?” Gabe asked.

“A forced movie night because apparently, I’ve been neglecting them,” I responded. “You should join.”

“I wouldn’t want to get in between your odd trio thing,” He teased. I shoved him lightly. 

“Don’t be rude.”

“I’ll stay,” He smiled. He kissed me again, his arm wrapping around my waist to pull me closer to him. “As long as I get to keep kissing you.”

#gabe landeskog #gabriel landeskog #gabe landeskog imagine #gabe landeskog imagines #nhl #nhl imagines #nhl imagine #nhl fanfiction #nhl fic #nhl fluff #nhl writing #hockey #Hockey Fanfiction #hockey fanfic #hockey imagines #tyson jost #erik johnson #kacey jost #gabe landeskog fluff #gabriel landeskog imagine

[charmingpplincardigans]

January Kitchen Sink Check In

This is mostly for me, because I’m trying to become a better person this year, for varying definitions of the term ‘better’, and I like to see my progress laid out all organized like. It helps me move forward. So I’m gonna go through my Body/Mind/Money goals for January and note how I did and what I’m going to do moving forward!

BODY

Working Out: 

My two work out goals for the end of the year are to 1) be doing yoga semi-regularly and 2) be working out four days a week reliably, including the yoga. I’m working on easing myself into these (and all) habits, because I don’t want to overwhelm myself and give up on everything, so my goal for January was to work out one day a week. And I worked out *drumroooooooll* NONE! NOT A ONCE. I don’t have an excuse for this. Part of it was stress, part of it was depression, part of it was sheer laziness. I promise myself I’m gonna work out at least once a week in February, but also shoot for the two times a week that is the February Goal. 

Food: 

I have several overall food goals for the year. One is to give up soda near completely, or at least to break my addiction to it. The others are to start planning meals and eat less meat. For January I wanted to drink only two sodas a day (20oz max). I managed that 23 days out of 31. In looking at the calendar you can reliably match the days I failed to the days that were extremely stressful or anxiety ridden. I have a very bad habit in those moments of throwing up my hands and deciding that I’m a failure anyway so nothing matters. That’s definitely a mental tick to keep an eye on over the next few months as my job no doubt just gets more and more stressful. The other goals I did okay with. I decided to plan one meatless meal a week. New recipes I made in January were: 

Black bean soup

Moroccan sweet potatoes

Spinach lasagna

Black bean & sweet potato enchiladas

Do recommend most of them. The lasagna had way too much cinnamon in it, which was kind of weird. If I make that recipe again I’m gonna quarter the amount. But I might just find a different veggie lasagna to make. 

For February I want to drop the soda to one a day (12oz max), and start to plan to make two meals a week. I’m doing okay with meat, but I could for sure do better. It helps that I have started making THE WORLD’S BEST SANDWICHES for lunch. Probably just gonna eat those forever instead of ordering out Huey Magoo’s or whatever. (The sandwich is hummus, cucumber, and feta on toasted Good Seed bread. Try it!)

Doctor Things:

Uff. I need to figure out the CPAP issues and the chest pain issues. I absolutely despised the first mask they sent me for the CPAP. It gave me panic episodes and I was ripping it off IN MY SLEEP. Insurance refused me a new mask until April, but my doctor came in like an angel with a sample version of a different type of mask to try. This one is...better. I’m still not comfortable in it and it’s not appreciably helping my sleep. People keep telling me it’s going to change my life, but that has not happened yet. On the other hand I have friends who’ve tried to make them work for YEARS and never did, so I’m wary of this whole process, but still trying. 

I had a sort of fraught meeting with my cardiologist last week. My chest pain symptoms had been getting better as of October, but with the change in my job I’ve back slid almost entirely. I had a 36 hour period of chest pain two weeks ago. I go whole nights having every heart attack symptom in slow motion, but doing nothing about it because I can’t afford for the ER to tell me I’m fine five times a month. I cried when she asked me why I didn’t go to a hospital when that happened. I feel so helpless all of the time and I’m certain I’m going to die any day now, even though my heart is technically physically fine. Can you anxiety yourself into a heart attack? I THINK YOU CAN. She did tell me to try to speak to the psychiatrist again about anxiety medication. The last time I tried the woman I saw didn’t want to prescribe me anything. She told me to work on my sleep and come back. Welp! The cardiologist said that if that happens this time she’ll write a note telling her to prescribe me something. We’ll see. I need to try to make that appt this month. 

MIND

Therapy:

My therapist thinks I’ve done really well over the last year with working on myself and said out loud that she thinks I’m better at dealing with some things and am in a good position to move forward. But I’m so stressed right now that I just feel like I’ve fallen apart again. We’re meant to start on EMDR this week, but I’m going to have to put a pause on it so I can talk about how I’m at like, the lowest point of my life, which she will be very supportive of and then probably remind me that if we could just get to the EMDR and work with the older traumas this might not feel so dire. I’m just, on the struggle bus and too tired to do anything but freak out about that. 

Writing: 

I have so may creative goals this year! Too many probably! I should put some back! My creative goals for the year are:

Complete a rough draft of AMLD (10,000 words a month)

Complete and mail out the Girls Who Date the Universe chapbook

Complete and mail out any remaining art for people who helped me with the car fund

Work on poetry and short fictions (Monster Story?)

Actually check in to @gywo every month (10 days a month goal)

My creative goals for January were to write 10,000 words on AMLD, work on the extra poems for GWDTU, and send the remaining postcards from the car fund. And uh...look. I did work on writing. I worked on the chapbook layout and editing pieces that needed to be edited/replaced, because there are several. I did also work on the outline for AMLD, but didn’t write new words on it. Not anywhere 10,000 of them at any rate. 

The owing people art thing is just...it fucks me up, man. I have learned a huge lesson between the car fund and the patreon. I get so in my head about how these people deserve beautiful things and then I tell myself I’m not capable of making things worthy of them and then I put off doing the thing because I want to put off letting them down and then it just spirals from there. ALL THE WHILE I AM FOR SURE LETTING THEM DOWN. I realize this is both unhealthy and unprofessional. It’s why one of my goals this year is to clear all of this once and for all so that I can square myself away with everyone and try not to end up here in the future. 

So, the January Goals now get rolled up into the February Goals, which leaves the new list for the month at: 

10,000 words AMLD

Complete extra poems for GWDTU

Send postcards from car fund

Complete layout for Boston chapbook for car fund

I did check in for GYWO. 

Future Plans:

Part of letting off the pressure for the now for me is always about planning for the future. Not like, the actual future, I’m not starting a 401k, let’s not go nuts. But for something that is one step forward. In my notes for my year goals this is all about moving back to Boston. I need to set a date for it. I need to save money for it. I need to keep my job until after I’ve done it. But now I think this part needs to include notes about my job itself and the ways I can either move forward with it or move away from it once and for all. 

I talked to Lisa and Kait at the beginning of the year about the moving plan, and now I just need to talk to my apartment complex to see if it would be feasible to extend the lease to December or February without paying an exorbitant amount in rent each month. If rent ends up being more than $2k/mo for the extension then I’m just going to have to have to wait until June 2022. This frustrates me, because I hate not being able to just follow through with decisions once I’ve made them, but patience is another thing I’m working on eternally. My goal for February is figure out money stuff well enough and talk to complex and set a timeline. 

Work is. Wow. It’s awful right now. I still have my job, which takes up much of my days, but because of re-org I’m also having to learn a whole new job which would also take up much of my day. I can’t not learn this job, because the person who used to do it is in another department now too, so there’s no one to get the work done if I don’t learn to do it. But I also can’t do both. I CAN’T DO BOTH. An issue popped up last week with my job that literally brought my ulcer back. I asked my boss for help with it and she sent me a message at one point saying she wanted to cry about it. So like. She knows now, right? She knows I can’t do both jobs?? BUT THERE’S NO ONE ELSE TO DO IT SO I GUESS I JUST GET TO SLOWLY KILL MYSELF. I’m just so frustrated, and angry that these decisions get made without taking the people in them into account, and of course anxious and miserable. I’m currently dreading work in a way I haven’t since I was in text perms. It’s real bad. So I have to find a way to make it work or find a way out. 

My February approach to that is to finish this Love It or Leave It book and see if I can’t divine where my true motivation lies, and also to research library school. I kind of would rather not go back to school. Not because I wouldn’t spend my entirely life in school if I could. I WOULD. But because it’s expensive and time intensive and there’s no promise my life will be better after it’s over. But every job I think I want pretty much requires that masters, so. We’ll look into it at least. 

MONEY

Eating Out:

During the pandemic, one of my money sinks became DoorDash. I never used it before, because it costs literally twice as much as just going to get the food. (Also because I kind of like eating in restaurants alone. Ah, one day again I hope!) But the more afraid I became of the outside world, the less inclined I was to go into a restaurant to pick up take out, so I’ve had it brought to me. And I need to cut that shit out! I have food at home! My goal for January was to order out only 4 times a week. I managed this for three of the weeks, but when I blew it it was definitely those weeks at the very beginning and very end of the month where I was super stressed. The goal in February is to only order out 3 times a month.

Savings:

I need to open a high yield savings account. I’ve had the starting money for the move just sitting in my bank account making me no extra money for like, four months. The latest reason I haven’t moved it over is that I’m worried I’m going to owe a lot in taxes this year because of the partial unemployment I got. Hopes are that since it was a work share the taxes were taken out ahead of time, but I do not trust the government with my money as far as I can throw them, so. I’ll do my taxes this month and finally know for sure. And then I WILL move the rest of the money into a high yield savings account. I WILL. 

Also, every time my credit union savings hits a grand, I’ll move $500 of that over into the high yield account to put toward moving expenses. 

Budget:

I keep meaning to sit down and work out my new budget for 2021. I’m bringing home a little bit less in my paycheck because I changed my health insurance, and I’m also, of course, trying to save as much as I can ahead of moving so I don’t put anything on credit cards. (I’m doing so well paying those down!) This means I need to save everything I can and not spend money on stupid frivolous stuff. I’m not buying clothing like I did in the before times, but I AM spending too much money at Target still, because the app lets me just peruse any dumb idea I have and then pick it up that day! What a disaster! So, I really need to work something out. Or at least, I need to check my bank accounts more often and keep tabs on how much is actually going out. I have a bad out-of-sight-out-of-mind habit when it comes to bank accounts. Just another piece of me to try to cure this year.

And that’s it for January. I’m now late to bed because I’ve been working on this post for an hour and a half. Working on my sleep is also a goal, but we’ll see how exercise and the cpap handle that. Til next month!

#kitchen sink check in #to do #progress

[trauma-13]

Birth story.

I'm posting this mostly so I can remember it down the line when it's not as fresh in my mind.

On may 27th, I had my weekly OB appointment. I was 38 weeks and 2 days. I went in, peed in a cup, and waited for my appt time. I got called back shortly, and had my vitals take. My blood pressure was 128/88. Not bad, but higher than it had been, even just the day before. I honestly didn't think much of it. My provider comes in, says she wants to recheck my BP, draw labs, and schedule me for a induction once I got to 39 weeks. She was concerned because my BP was higher and I had slight protein in my urine-for those not in the medical field reading this, she was concerned I was developing pre-eclampsia which is a very serious complication of pregnancy. So the MA comes back, rechecks my pressure-136/96. I assumed it was from anxiety of now being told I may have pre-eclampsia. My provider was in another room, so the MA had me go to the lab area to start blood work while she waited for the doc to finish in the other room. My doctor walked in the room a couple minutes later and said "nevermind labs, I want you to go to Shea (my delivery hospital)" I immediately started to panic, and asked "why, am I going to be induced?" She told me she didn't know yet, but wanted me to get stat labs, and be monitor vitally and the baby monitored for a couple hours. She said depending on labs would depend if I would be induced. She told me she'd see me at Shea.

Needless to say, I was pure panic. I'm not sure how I didn't burst into tears right then, but I some how didn't. I was terrified. Being a nurse, I know the bad things that can happen, and of course that's all I was focused on. I got to my car, still not crying, and called my husband. I told him to get dressed, and grab stuff to go to Shea, that I was fine and that I would tell him everything when I got home. Still no crying. I called my mom, because well she's my mom and she was going to come and stay with our dogs when I went into labor so they weren't alone for potentially days on end. As soon as mom answered the phone, all the walls came down and I started crying. Not just normal crying, full blown, can't talk, sobbing. She, of course, panics. She knew I had an OB appt, and she assumed the worst. I finally got my self together enough to tell her "I'm fine, the baby is fine," I explained everything that was going on, and that I was heading to the hospital shortly. I talked to her the entire 6 minute car ride home, still crying, and scared. She asked me if I wanted her to come up, and I said yes. She lives 3 hrs away, so it's not like she's close. I didn't know what the next few hours of my life held, and that was terrifying.

I got home, James had grabbed all our stuff, and had made sure to get the extra last minute things too. He asked if I was okay because I'd obviously been crying, I told him physically yes, emotionally no and that I was afraid of the next few hours and the uncertainty. We took the dogs out, stopped to get gas, and headed to Shea.

We get to the hospital around 1pm or so. I told them everything my doc had said, and the tech checking me in said my doc had called ahead and let them know about me. Even more fear sets in. We get back to a room, I give them a urine sample and change into the lovely gown. My nurse comes in and does her exam and tells me the plan. We're going to draw labs, monitor me and the baby and depending on all of the results would determine our next steps. At this point I had let my mother in law, and 3 best friends know what was going on incase we did get admitted for induction.

We sat in the room for a couple hours. I was contracting basically the whole time, but they were about 20 mins apart. I asked the nurse about it, she said they were fairly strong on the monitor, but weren't close enough yet. So around 5pm or so, another nurse comes in, she says my original nurse got pulled into an emergency delivery, but that she was going to discharge me so we could go home. I was a bag of emotions at this point. I had accepted that I'd be induced and would meet our baby soon, and had gotten over the fear and now I was being discharged. I was given strict orders to go home, relax, drink lots of water and "come back in 24 hrs for repeat labs, and make sure to bring your hospital bags when you come tomorrow," to me, that meant we were being induced tomorrow. Apparently it's some insurance thing, that they couldn't induce me that day. No clue.

So we go home. My mom's at the house. I told her everything they said and the plan for the next day.

Fast forward to 4pm the next day, it was time to head back to Shea. We got all of our things together and head over. I got checked into triage and brought back to a triage room. They hooked me up to the monitors, and at that point everything looked okay. Babys strip was great, I wasn't really contracting and my BP was doing okay at 130s/80s. They drew blood and then it was a waiting game.

I had started contracting again about 45 minutes after getting to the hospital. They were strong, and painful, and about 8-10 mins apart. They were painful enough that I was having to completely stop whatever I was doing, and just focus on breathing. I was assuming it was because I was stressed because the same thing had happened the day before. Of course, my blood pressure started to go up. Nothing crazy, but it was higher, about 140s/90s. My doctor came in around 6pm and said she wanted to admit me and induce me. She was concerned that if I went into labor naturally my BP would elevate too much and cause further issues. The plan was to admit me to labor and delivery, start pitocin, do an epidural, and have a baby! My doctor said, "around 4am we'll have this baby, so try to nap and relax once you get to the other room." Shift changed happens at 7pm, so one of the triage nurses started an IV, some fluids and we waited for the night shift nurse to come on for me to go over to the other room.

Around 715-730ish my L&D nurse came over and we headed over to the other room. During the *maybe* 1 minute walk over to the other room I had to stop and just breathe because holy contractions! Again, still convinced I wasn't really in labor. We got to L&D, I sat on the bed, and my nurse started asking me all the normal questions and asked what my plan was reguarding an epidural and if I wanted to do that before or after the pitocin. I was right in the middle of a VERY strong and painful contraction, and I didn't answer her right away. After the contraction passed, she said I looked incredibly uncomfortable and asked if I was okay. I straight up just started crying and told her I was so uncomfortable, and frankly I was terrified of pitocin. James was rubbing my back, and she grabbed my hands and said "don't worry, I'll go page the anaesthesiologist right now and we'll put the epidural in before we even think about pitocin. I want you comfortable first and foremost." I tried to lay down and get as comfy as possible until the doc came in.

Around 8pm he came in, explained the whole procedure and we got it done. It was so quick, and easy and I had such immediate relief. I could finally relax!! Physically and mentally! After the epidural was in, my nurse checked me, I was 4-5cm dialated, 90% effaced and 0 station. My nurse called my doc to ask if we wanted to start pitocin or wait and see what my body did naturally, my doc wanted to start the pitocin just because my BP was still elevated at this point even with the epidural and pain relief. We started the pitocin around 830pm or so, and my water still hadnt broken at this point. The plan was for my doctor to come in at 930pm and break my water if it hadn't happened naturally at that point.

Fast forward to 945ish and my doc comes in to break my water. Weirdest feeling ever. She also put Baby J on one of the internal monitors because he kept coming off the external monitor. At that point I was 5cm, 90%, and still 0 station. My nurse helped me lay on my left side and we were going to try to nap since we were in for a long night. James had started dozing pretty quickly, and I started feeling contractions again. Crazy strong, very frequent, maybe about 1 minute apart or so. I was holding his hand and felt like I was going to break his fingers Everytime I had a contraction. I remember looking at the clock and it being around 1010 and thinking "okay if my nurse hasn't come in by 1015, I'll call her" because DAMN were those contractions painful.

Within a few minutes my nurse came in, I honestly don't know how many minutes it had been because I was busy breathing hah! She said she was going to have the doctor put in an internal contraction monitor as well because she wasn't sure that the external was super accurate. My doc comes in within a few mins, and goes to place the monitor and says "oh, oh, you're complete and we need to push now because he's practically crowning" (apparently all that pain and pressure was my body saying hey let's do this!)

Nothing was ready! We weren't planning on having a baby for another few hours so the birth cart wasn't even in the room. The nurse grabbed one really quick while my doc was putting on shoe covers, she had enough time to throw on the sterile gown and gloves before i felt like I needed to push. My nurse had barely had time to page the baby nurse!

I pushed 3x over that contraction. Definitely yelled fuck, but otherwise, I don't remember saying anything/making any noise at all. My nurse coached me how to push effectively and how to curl my body to help.

Second contraction, pushed 3 more times. The whole time James was holding my left foot and rubbing my shoulder. He was his usual quiet self, which I expect nothing else hah!

Third contraction I pushed 3 more times. At the end of the third one my doc told me to take a big breath and give one big push. So I did. And little dude was born at 1036pm!

I pushed for around 7 minutes total (per James) before our little one was born. I had to get stitches, but I don't even remember it happening. As soon as they put my son on my chest, nothing else mattered. I couldn't stop shaking, or crying. It was completely uncontrollable. I was so overwhelmed! I went from the thought of having a baby hours from now, to having a baby in my arms 7 minutes later! It happened so fast we didn't even have time to tell my mom that it was game time. The plan was to have her on FaceTime so she could help talk to me and support us even though she couldn't physically be there.

Baby J was a few minutes old and I asked James to call my mom on FaceTime. When she answered she immediately started crying once she saw the baby and heard him crying. I kept apologizing for not calling her, I felt so bad even though it's so silly! James told her I started pushing about 10 mins ago and had a baby so quickly we didn't even have time to think about anything else. Of course she wasn't upset at all.

Once I was stitched up, my nurse shut off the epidural and helped clean me up a bit. After she said she was going to step out, and give us time to ourselves with our little one, but to call if we needed her. I held my little boy and just stared at him. He was perfect! The only better thing than holding him myself, was seeing James hold him for the first time. Que crying all over again.

He was born on May 28th, 2020 at 1036pm, 6lbs 1oz, and 19 inches long. I didn't get my June baby, but he's absolute perfection and has our entire hearts. Our little one is turning 7 weeks on Thursday. I can't believe he's been here for 7 weeks already. Motherhood has been the hardest most rewarding thing I've ever done in my life.

#birth story #labor and delivery #obstetrics #pregnancy #momma hood #momma-hood #meee #JTD #motherhood

[lockdownuk]

Lockdown Diary Part 10

A personal account during the lockdown in the UK due to the Covid-19 outbreak.

23/03/2020 8:30pm Boris Johnson, UK Prime Minister, gives a live address to the nation to, effectively, put the country on lockdown to stem the spread of the deadly coronavirus strain, Covid-19.

Many of us have been self-isolating for days but this latest development within the UK in reaction to the pandemic feels very serious and very scary. I decided to keep a simple diary and where better but online. Day 271: Work was dominated by Qfiniti again, including a meeting with Jon and staff from the States, where I found my self taking control to get the next steps in process (and then, Dave Stewart, the SCCM engineer fucked off and put an OOO message on Teams telling me he’s off until Tuesday (it’s Thursday)...and I am off on Monday!) But, I have to say this project does float my boat. Got a text message and then a call from PCH for another laser eye appt this coming Monday at 12.30pm. I mentioned to the lady that phoned that I will have to square it with work (I won’t, but she doesn’t know that) as I can’t afford to lose my job - it just seems the hospital, while under pressue with the admin and the clinic availability - I get it! - just aren’t seeing the issues for the patients. Plus, Peterborough has been declared a Tier 3 from Sunday under the new lockdown scheme, the highest tier. Great...I really want to travel to a highly infected area! managed to find an online booze shop that does Gordon’s and Famous Grouse and will deliver beforee Chrimbo, so I’ve placed the order for dad and Rita’s gift. I spoke with Dad today, he hasn’t heard about his vaccination yet which is a surprise (he’s in the first draft being over 80)

Day 272: Typing on day 273. Work was that manic shit at the end of the dya when I’ve got time off. I am only off on Moday but still had to tie up loose ends, complictaed further by Jon being off next week and Sueanne off this week and the Qfiniti project! In the evening I only mamaged three beers. I ate too much. Plus my sugars were all over the place and way too high! I ordered a torch a couple of days ago (£17), it arrived today. It takes rechargeable batteries or 3 AAAs. Apparently, to get the best performance (i.e. brightness) you need the rechargeable batteries in it, so i charged ‘em. Fucking hell, I’m glad I did - it’s brighter than the sun. It opens up my late walks in winter, for sure.

Day 273: While it was a very late (but sober) night yesterday (gone 4am before lights out) I was up before midday. Usual walking etc. plus gave the bathroom a clean (albeit with wipes, but I did mop the floor - and used the water to also mop the kitchen). Now I am about to stick a pizza in the oven, plus wedges (to have with microwaveable chip shop curry sauce) and watch This Is 40 which is coincidentally on telly tonight - the coincidence being clips of it are on TikTok a lot right now. I am on my second beer and am going to have a smoke right now as well. Lastly for this entry, I have been using my AudioPro speaker today, it pisses me off it’s not WiFi capable but, thru Bt, it does sound fucking good - revisiting James works very well to demonstrate the speaker’s prowess.

Day 274: I have another Paypal a/c. I have been getting emails to my standard gmail account from Paypal saying they are going to charge me £9 for an inactive account which I have been largely ignoring since my paypal a/c has a specific email address. Anyway, I tried to log in, after a password reset and, hey presto, I do have another one, with £35 in it, having just been fleeced of £9 for the aforementioned inactivity, fuckers. It’s registered with the old Market Place address and phone. When I try to transfer the £35 to my card, it wants to confim it’s me by calling the phone, which I can’t amend. Oh, and you can’t contact Paypal direct. Fuck knows what to do! Other than that, usual Sunday, a tad more relaxed since I have tomorrow off, but not that much now I have an eye appointment in Tier 4 Peterborough (it’s been up’d from tier 3)! Up at 1.30 pm (I watched This is 40 and The Guvners last night with lots of beer), feeling worse for wear but, stair climb and a 6 miler acheived!

Day 275: I was at the hospital for 3 hours. The laser clinic didn’t start until 1.30pm so, why my appointment was at 12.20, not even the consultant could understand. 15 minutes of lasering - horrible but I am used to it. It took so long it pretty much fucked my day off up completely. I got a Christmas card from Karen, in the actual post, so, a mail shot. It’s depressing.

Day 276: Back to work and it’s definitely in wind down mode. I’ve decided to compile a list of things I have done this year. It will be on the postive side, such as all the steps I’ve walked and getting an article published about my photography, but it will also include randon facts like getting bitten by a dig twice and not having a haircut. I’ll get it done so I can post in at new year, hopefully be a little inspiring, a little silly and a lot of showing off!

Day 277: Work, again, was quiet. It’s fucking pissing down now, as I type at 21:50, and has been all day. It’s causing havoc and there’s flooding everywhere. I could walk down St. Peter’s Road tonight ‘cos of it (had to go up New Road, Springfield Road, down Latham Road). Soaked a lunhtime and tonight! With a new variant of Coronavirus, France stopped frieght crossing the border. That’s now been resolved but tyeh back log has/is affecting certain food stocks in the shops, of which, fresh veg might affect me for Christams dinner (I plan to do a chicken breast with stuffing, pigs in blankets, yorkshire pud and shed loads of veg. I’ll nip to Co-Op tomorrow morning and see what’s vaialble. It’s a half day at work ‘cos of Christmas Eve, so I can nip out somewhere in the car if need be, as ong as the flooding has subsided. Or I could just get shitfaced and have burgers and pizza.

Day 278: Christmas Eve. Sueanne let me finish at 11.00am so, very shortly thereafter, off for a walk I went; it turned out to be a stop/start affair - flooding as the Nene had burst its banks, ended up doing more of a circuit round town. Bumped into Andy Smith (and his son) and, after that, Ash and Denise. Ended up doing just under 11.5km in 2 and a half hours.Knackered! As I type, I have a chilli on the stove, beer on the go, all the veg and chicken breast bought with no shortages, as feared, for tomorrow’s lunch and looking forward to eating. getting drunk, smoking, listening to music, watching telly....all over the next two/three days.

Day 279: I don’t even remember going to bed last night. As a direct result I got out of bed at 2.30pm. I couldn’t even be bothered with Christmas dinner, let alone anything else like exercise. I’m just about to have chilli for dinner (it’s 8.10pm). Watch some telly then try an go to sleep before midnight. No booze! I did talk to dad earlier. Day 280: Typing on day 281. A better, more productive day. Up @11.00am exercise and walk as usual, although the walk was a different route due to flooding. In the evening I could hear ‘storm Bella’ raging, so windy! I cooked a christmas dinner of sorts, chicken breast with Thyme, all the veg, roasted spuds and parsnip, stuffing (a first for me, albeit co-op stuffing mix), Yorkshie and pigs in blankets. It was smashing! A few beers and The Hitman’s Bodyguard, alays a fun watch. A better day, as I say, but I am feeling particular deflated this Christmas. Day 281: Typing on day 282. I realised, about mid afternoon, that Monday (tomorrow) is a bank holiday so no work. It was a great realisation but, also, worrying that it dawned on my like I’m an old person! Nevertheless, a nice long walk - bumped into Baz & Kate and had a nice long chat, then El & Camila, Aaron and Eva for another, shorter chat. I also saw Denise & Ash along the way. Fog video called later in the evening for a chat too (he told me how he fell asleep at the dinner table, fuck he makes me laugh - unwittingly - when I need it most!) A regular social fest! A repeat of last night’s dinner and a few beers - it was a good day albeit I am in a proper low ebb.

Day 282: Up at midday after a 4am-er. A very long walk (1.75 hours) and a hodge podge dinner (remaining chilli, roasted spuds and peppers, steamed cauliflower and runner beans, grated cheese) - it’s nearly ready, I’ll type the review tomorrow. I realise that this is the first time in 21 Christmases that I have at least talked to K. Is that connected to my mood slump? I reckon so. So, as that fact dawned on me, I then considered, should it be the case next Christmas, it will not be the first in along time and, as such, more manageable....fuck knows how I manage to accentuate any little positive but, thank goodness I do. Day 283: Work was a sedate affair today, fuck all to do really. Sueanne is now follwing me on Insta...I shall invetsigate on how to exclude posts to individuals, methinks. Tea, last night, was fucking lovely. More of the same tonight-ish - currently I am roasting spuds, peppers, garlic, chillies, tomatoes - it’ll all go with left over pigs-in-blankets (5) and a burger. I’ll have bisto beef with mustard on it. I can’t wait! Day 284: Typing on day 285. That meal was fucking lush! Checked on the car todfay and it would not start. Something is draining the battery so I will have to give it a run every day until I can get Julian to sort it. So, I WhatsApp’d Karen to borrow the portable starter. She dropped it off for me. We had the briefest of chats at the doorstep, first time we’ve spoken in weeks. She mentioned my hair! Day 285: NYE. I have just got back from walking to Cottersock and back. I would not have been able to do so without my new torch! I finished and published my double letter quiz on FB, including to the Virtual Pub group and the Oundle Chatter. It’s had some good feedback, I’m rather proud of it. I am going to make chicken casserole now (with dumplings - a first for me, I even bought some flour), have some beers and get a bit stoned. Before that, I am going to finish off my list of things I’ve done this year, including steps wlaked and hours listening on Spotify. I am quite proud of that list too.

Day 286: I fucked the dumplings up, added too much water, so that didn’t happen but the chicken casserole was good, just about to finish it for tea tonight. I also had pizza last night and went to bed at 5am. I have had a lot of good feedback on my list of 2020 achievements. I proud of it. K sent a happy new WhatsApp last night, around 00.30.

Day 287: No booze last night, so I was up before the alarm today (about 10.00am) Two walks, one on my own, another with Fog with a couple of beers. I fucking loved it! Watching datrts (World champs semi finals - been texting Dan while the first one has been on). Going to watch The Aviator later...I’ve not seen it before which surprises me. Why it surprises me I do not know, since I know I haven’t seen it. How the fuck can I be surprised by a fact I’m completely aware of? Day 288: I didn’t watch The Aviator ‘cos Logan Luck was on at 11:55pm on ITV4. Great fildm...I can’t believe that I very nearly paid for it (rent from Sky or Amazon). A late one last night and quite pissed. Thinking about it, having afew beers with Fog in the afternoon made it quite a long sesh for me! Up at just gone midday today, nice long walk (Cotterstock) which was mde long by a painful right ankle - I must have turned or twiested slightly sometime. Still, it survived. Back to work tomorrow - Chrimbo and New Year all done and dusted for the 55th time in my life!

Day 289: First day back at work of 2021. Boris announces another full lockdown in England (there’s a new strain of Covid19 which is seeing huge numbers of infections every day, over 50,000 per day).

Day 290: Something is up with my right foot, the little toe pad. It’s bloody sore. If it gets any worse it’ll affect my walking and exercise. I phoned Anne Bennison to talk about it, she just wants me to go and see her which i donlt want to do if poss, pandemic and all that.

Day 291: Wearing my sandals instead of the M&S slippers and my foot/toepad is already feeling bteer. However, I did inspect my Merrell boots, just in case, and the sole on te right is really worn down, in just three months. I have sent a WhatsApp to CotswoldOutdoors, where I got them from....let’s see what they say! It’s all kicking off i  the US - pro Trump protestors have storm the Capitol Building, where congrees was being held. Only in ‘Merica.

Day 292: Busy at work with rolling out Qfiniti - all that project work was pretty much for fuck all since the SCCM package has to hand held. It’s feckin’ freezing today, below freezing, slippy af on my walks. I have been shopping tonight, £106 in Corby Tesco. That does include 8 cans of sapporo.

Day 293: The fracas at Capitol Hill on Wednesday left 5 dead, it looks like Trump will be impeached. He’s already said he’ll not attend Biden’s inauguration. In a fucking world gone mad, it’s another level of madness. It’s really cold -3℃ tonight, more of the same tomorrow. Makes for brisk walks. I’ve just had chicken balti pie and chips for tea. It was so nice that I burnt the roof of my fucking gob. I’m on the Sapporo and about to have a smoke then watch Jack Reacher. I’ve (kinda) earnt after the first 5 day week for a while.

Day 294: Well, last night saw another late one...5am by the time I :went to sleep. Up at 2pm today with no instention of any exercise or walking or housework or fuck all, really. But, I did my exercises and a 9 mile walk. While I walked I came across Banners, quick 15 min chat and listed to Stage by David Bowie. He’s all over the radio right now as it’s his death’s anniversary tomorrow and his birthday yesterday. It’s a fucking good live album. A few beers tonight, eating trash, watching FA Cup highlights then End of Watch later.  Posh played today (first time in a while due to Covid infections) drew away to (shitty) Lincoln 1-1. Good point as Posh were down to ten men after 67 mins for a second yellow for handball in the area. Lincoln missed the pen. Fucking funny. Chorley, the non leaguers who knocked Posh out in round 2 of the FA Cup, beat Derby in round 3 today (albeit derby fielded an academy side of 11 first timers due to Covid ) - a great day for them!

Day 295: Up at 2pm swearing blind I’d not walk or exercise (again!) but, of course I did. I’ve done over 25 miles this w/e! End of Watch was brilliant last night. Well worth a rewatch, so emotional. I am making butter chicken as I type. I’ve added extra onion, garlic and, of course, chillies. It’s the spiciest butter chicken I have ever tasted! 

Day 296: One of those frustrating days at work when no problem of request I try to resolve goes without a hitch. After a 7km walk in the evening, took the car for a spin and cleaned the bathroom. Fucking knackered. It’s 11:30pm and I’m in bed typing this on the iPad! despite getting up so late, I feel knackered. 11pm bedtime for me, I reckon.

Day 297: Fucking busy at work, the States rolled out a new Okta trust policy and it caused mayhem. Meant my evening walk didn’t start ‘til gone 6pm. When I got back, clened the hall and stairs, made chilli (which I am about to have for tea (gone 10.15pm!) and showered. I’m, again, fucking knackered! Posh played Portsmouth in the EFL Trophy 3rd round at home. Won 5-1. Nice.

Day 298: Had an electrician rouind for the EICR cetrt. He was here until 2pm and it was a pain in the arse, having to work upstairs plus, with having to cut the electricity, all the smart devices lost their settings. And it was freezing up there.

Day 299: Work was impossibly infuriating. Not one pc remote session went to plan! It was pissing down a lunchtime during my walk but, I have to say, the cheap TargetDry coat copes fine in heavy rain for short periods. Everywhere is flooding again even though the rain turned to sleet. By my evening walk, it was dry but bloody cold. Then, when I got in I cleaned the kitchen and mopped the floor and the bathroom’s as well. I fucking done in! Chatted to dad today - same as ever!

Day 300: What a fucking work at week! I am so glad it’s Friday. To celebrate, I ordered new walking boots: Scarpas £121!

#diary #Tumblr diary #lockdown #COVID19 #lockdownuk

[emoboijk]

jhs | carnations

“But carnations? Oh, what a beautiful flower. They come in every color. True, some are painted, but that doesn’t mean they are less beautiful, and they never wilt.” (Ruth McLeod-Kerns) or you fall in love with your fuck buddy—hanahaki disease au, friends with benefits au, flora & fauna series

2,510 words

p.cred

The waiting room is beige with a dark brown carpet, the kind that has either always been that color or is that color as a result of years of use. There are paintings (ironically) of flowers on the walls, and potted plants stationed randomly between the chairs. A receptionist sits behind a counter, typing on a computer and answering the phone when it rings. Aside from her, there are seven people scattered about the room.

You're wedged into a chair that's been pushed against the window, the sun hitting your back and making you feel warm for the first time in ages. The doctor said that might be a side effect of the blood loss; your circulation is less than stellar now that there's nothing to circulate. Your fingers and toes are practically made of ice now.

HOEbi: when r we meeting up? ;)

You frown down at the message. He sent it at 3 AM so you know he was drunk, out with some of the guys from his frat or his dance team. But it's the latest in a string of messages from him that ask the same question.

You're not sure how long you had expected to keep up this charade, but you had definitely hoped longer. There's no disguising it now. You can't be in the middle of hooking up, start coughing bloody carnations and expect to keep the momentum going. Bloody flowers sort of ruin the mood.

You run a hand through your hair, swallowing against bloody, petal-infused bile, as you try to come up with a response. Some subtle way of evading him yet again. But you're in the middle of thinking when the incoming-text animation appears.

HOEbi: sorry about that! :)

HOEbi: but really when am i going to see u?

HOEbi: i miss u :(

You roll your eyes, a smile coming to your lips despite yourself. You suppose that was really what you fell for; he's a good fuck, obviously, but that sort of sweetness and humility. He radiates warmth and friendliness.

I have an appt today

HOEbi: oh u sick?

HOEbi: i have a (meat) thermometer that might help ;)

Fucking hell. Is he still drunk?

Disgusting

HOEbi: if i promise to never say that again can i see u tonite

Maybe…

You're smiling at your phone like a dope.

A fourth person gets called in by the nurse when your screen changes. Incoming Call. Chaeyoung.

"Hey, what's up?" you wedge your phone between your ear and your shoulder, "I'm at the doctor's."

Your body goes stiff when you hear her crying. It's not a soft, gentle crying, it's violent sobbing and dry heaving.

"What happened?"

"I," she's stuttering, "I, I, I…I got into a car accident." She hiccups and cries harder. You run from the waiting room without so much as a look to the receptionist or the other patients.

You can see the accident from three blocks away; there are two police cars with their lights flashing and a tow truck backing into place. You don't spot your sister until you're closer; she's sitting on the sidewalk, leaning against a streetlight with her face in her hands. You pull into the grocery store parking lot nearby and race across the street.

"Oh my god," you breathe and Chaeyoung looks up. Your whole body relaxes when you see she's not injured, but Chae crumbles when she spots you. Her hug is nearly a tackle and her arms like a vice. You choke slightly as her grip forces flowers up your esophagus.

"What happened?" you whisper hoarsely.

Chaeyoung pulls away and you wipe her cheeks of tears. "I just," she hiccups, "I just looked at my phone for a second."

Your curse instantly. She knows how you feel about that. But one look at her expression and you know that totaling her car is punishment enough. You stroke her hair and say, "At least you're alright."

"But my car," she sobs.

You look over to where she's pointing, realizing that you hadn't actually seen the damage yet. "Fuck," you exhale. Her lime-green Dodge Neon is nearly half the size it used to be, the front end smashed into a streetlight, which toppled over and crushed the top of her car.

You rub circles into her back softly, "At least you didn't hit another car…"

Chaeyoung curls into your side and starts crying again. You squeeze her shoulder and pull out your phone, muttering about calling the insurance company, but you nearly jump when you see Hoseok's sent you another message.

HOEbi: srsly i need to tell you something important

It makes you cough; flower petals dance through the air to the pavement and blood runs down your chin.

The Emergency Room is bustling. And you want to leave because, honestly, it gives you anxiety.

"I'm fine," you tell your sister for the millionth time.

"People who are fine don't cough up blood for no reason," she replies for the millionth time.

You roll your eyes and go back to staring at Hobi's last message. You still haven't replied (what with your sister dragging you to the ER for no reason). (Well maybe a little reason).

A doctor appears beside the bed, almost as if from thin air, with his nose in a chart. He says your name as a question.

"That's me," you confirm, "But I really don't need to be here."

"Is that so?" the doctor says, putting on a pair of gloves.

"She coughed up blood," your sister interjects and you hiss profanities at her before you can help yourself.

The doctor chuckles and grabs a tongue compressor from a cart. "Say ‘ah'."

You don't.

"I won't let you leave until you do."

You open your mouth but you do not say ‘ah'. The doctor looks inside and frowns and you know what he sees.

"Yeah," he says, "I'm going to have to admit you."

Your sister is clutching your hand like she's the one who will have to stay in the hospital. "What's wrong!" It's a question but it comes out a desperate whine.

The doctor looks at you skeptically for a moment, trying to gauge how much you know. You roll your eyes and tell your sister, "It's called Hanahaki disease."

"What?" It's almost a shriek.

"And an advanced case at that," the doctor says, removing his gloves and scribbling on your chart, "I could see an entire carnation at the back of your throat. How are you not in pain?"

"I never said I wasn't in pain." You avoid looking at your sister because you don't feel like explaining yourself.

The doctor humphs in your direction and scribbles something else on your chart. He turns and barks at a nurse to admit you and to call Dr. Lee.

You lean against the exam bed you're perched on, giving in to your exhaustion. You close your eyes but can still feel your sister's gaze on you, full of questions. You don't have the energy; you pretend to fall asleep.

"How much pain?" the same doctor asks.

You still don't feel like opening your eyes; you hold up seven fingers. Chaeyoung's grip on your wrist tightens and you know she wants to yell at you but she's scared. Normally, you would woman-up and comfort her, but you're weak. You don't feel like taking care of her right now. You just want the burning in your throat and the stabbing in your chest and the iron on your teeth to go away.

"I'll give you something and a nurse will come to take you to a room."

You nod and wince as he gives you the medication. It works immediately, a comforting nothingness rushing through your body. This time you really do fall asleep.

You blink awake to a smart-looking female doctor shaking your shoulder; there's a crowd of younger doctors with clipboards standing behind her. She smiles when you meet her eyes.

"Hey there, sorry to wake you, but I need to do an initial check," she stands up straight, "I'm Dr. Lee."

You nod and push yourself up in the hospital bed. You're in a new room. There's a consistent beeping coming from one of the machines. Chaeyoung is passed out on an uncomfortable-looking loveseat that's built into the wall.

Dr. Lee asks you all the routine questions (how long and how much and who is it?). You answer them with a purposefully bored tone. Then, when your phone goes off halfway through the questions, your tone is not so much bored as anxious.

"Something you need to check on?" the doctor asks when you turn away from her for the third time. The phone goes off a second time and you realize it's in Chae's bag.

"No."

"It's okay," the doctor says, "We're done. We'll take you up for x-rays so we can see the extent of the damage and then talk about options."

"Fine," you nod.

It's almost thirty-six hours before you see Dr. Lee again (you've been counting). In that time you've slept, went through a battery of tests and scans, and ate four meals. Chaeyoung wouldn't leave for the first twelve hours until you insisted she go home and get your toothbrush at least (after promising she wouldn't text while driving your car). (Ugh, her car, you still need to deal with that).

You checked your phone when she left after her first visit.

HOEbi: c'mon u know i don't like to be serious

HOEbi: i gotta real talk

It caused another fit of coughing and the nurse told Chaeyoung to keep you from your phone. You were kind of relieved. His messages make you worried and uneasy, worst-case scenarios flying through your mind like locusts through a field of wheat.

And then, the strangest thing happens: the pressure in your chest dissipates.

When Dr. Lee does finally come in she's beaming. She smiles at you like she has a secret before turning and pinning two x-rays onto a lightbox.

"This," she points to the first, "is your initial scan, from when you were first admitted." It looks like an abstract painting. Black and white shadowy shapes, floral outlines imprinted on lung impressions.

"And this is your scan from this morning." This x-ray is significantly less cluttered. There's still a floral design in the way of the lungs but it's diminished.

"Am I getting better?" Your eyes scan the array of doctors she has behind her, "I was told that wasn't possible."

Dr. Lee leans against the railing at the foot of your bed. "Hanahaki is a tricky disease," she taps her fingernails, "Studies show that the majority of the cause is in the mind, with real, dangerous, physical manifestations," she shrugs, "Logic says that if you get over the mental part of it, the person on the other end of your unreciprocated love, you'll get better."

That strikes you. Get over him? You hadn't felt such a significant shift. You still thought about him, you still missed him...maybe not in the pining, desperate way of a few days ago... But you wouldn't say you'd gotten over him.

"Time away must be all you need," the doctor says, "We'll keep you here another day or two to make sure that's what's helping, and then you should be good to go." She pats your ankle comfortingly and turns to the others, leaving just as swiftly as she had arrived.

Your chest feels lighter but your mind feels muddier than ever.

Twenty-four hours later, you're actually smiling when Hoseok shows up while you're chatting with Chaeyoung. He knocks on the door before sliding it open and sticking his head inside.

It sort of takes your breath away. It's been almost a week since you've last seen him and whoo, he looks good. All tan and glowing, dark hair spilling over a headband and eyes like gemstones. His lips are pulled into a nervous heart shape and it makes your chest feel heavy (although it doesn't prickle with pain like it used to).

"Hobi?"

"Hey," he says and it's brimming with relief. Glass half full. He steps fully inside and his eyes scan down the length of your body. He chews on his bottom lip, "Alright?"

"I need a soda," your sister announces. Too abruptly. She stands and hurries out of the room, turning to wink at you before closing the door. It makes you roll your eyes.

"How did you find out I was here?" You tilt your head to the side.

"I, uh, kept texting you? Your sister responded."

You raise your eyebrows. You glance around the room and spot your bag; waving your hand at it you say, "Could you…?"

"Oh, yeah." Hoseok passes it to you. While you dig through it, he glances around before deciding to sit in the chair by your bed. He hesitates for a long moment before deciding to lean against the railing; he's missed being close to you.

There are over twenty missed text messages. A couple from your parents and your friends, but most are from Hobi.

From right before you were admitted:

HOEbi: did i scare u lol

HOEbi: it's not that big of a deal

HOEbi: honestly i don't even need to tell u

HOEbi: really it's ok let's just meet up

And then another the next day:

HOEbi: i missssss uuuuuuuuu

You smile at that one, scrolling to the next day's messages:

HOEbi: are u not texting me back cuz of what i said

HOEbi: cuz it's fine we don't have to talk

HOEbi: unless it's dirty ;) ;)

HOEbi: pls don't hate me

That actually makes you laugh. You can almost picture him texting and getting anxious. And then yesterday:

HOEbi: k i'm really worried

That's when your sister started replying.

She doesn't hate you. My sister loves you.

I'm Chaeyoung.

HOEbi: uh hey

HOEbi: wait! loves? really?

Duh

Anyway she's in the hospital

You're blushing. "Sorry."

"It's okay," he shrugs and when you look over he's giving you that smile. The one he gives everyone but that makes you feel extra special, the one that lights you from the inside. You wonder if everyone feels that way when he smiles. Maybe not. Maybe that's what makes it special. "You're in the hospital." He frowns, "Why didn't you tell me?"

You tuck a piece of your hair (stringy and unwashed) behind your ear, "We're not...anything. You didn't have to come. I...I didn't want you to see me like this."

He raises his eyebrows. His face is so open and vulnerable, soft and sweet. "I want to see you in every way." He runs his hand through his hair before lacing his fingers through yours. "That's what I wanted to talk to you about. I want to be more." He squeezes your hand.

On every single one of your anniversaries after that, Hobi gives you a bouquet of carnations. The note always says: We beat 'em.

author’s note—don’t ask me about hobi’s texting style because i have no answers

for more of my works check out my m.list

#emoboijk #bts #bangtanbuds #hyunglinenetwork #jung hoseok #hobi #hoseok #j-hope #hoseok x reader #jung hoseok x reader #bts x reader

[lovvw]

Hewwo all !!! :3

I am need of some Assistance with mine life lol since this is really REALLY long cuz I lack the ability to be concise have a TDLR and also a read more lol:

Basically I need help paying to go to planned parenthood to try and get a gel testosterone ! I’m assuming it will cost around 250 for both ! And tw for needles and injections ? Just in case !

Also If u can’t donate it’s ok ! I know I always feel big guilty when all I can do is rb but bro !!! we r all just going thru it bro !!!!!! I llove u !! 😔🥺💖🥰

Recently some wild things have gone down in my life and if u wanted a full rundown I could give it to u but a) it’s a REALLY REALLY REALLY long story and b) really I only need help with one part

Let’s begin shall we ?

The parent that was providing for me to start/continue my transition isn’t supporting me financially anymore (for ANYTHING) I have very limited income and currently all of my money is going to fixing a snafu with my car insurance, my tags, paying for two storage units with all of my families stuff in it and whatever random issues pop up in my life like buying my sibling a new pair of shoes for school & paying for both of us to have phones tht work lol My car is a huge part in how much money I have at any time as I get payed to take my brother to and from work

I have that part mostly covered ! The thing I really need help with is my Testosterone

I really don’t have any leftover money after delegating and putting any money away for my testosterone is really hard since I keep having to dip into what I’ve saved for it

I need to go back to planned parenthood and try to get a gel to replace the injection method as I am SO bad at jabbing myself I’m afraid I’m gonna do more damage than I already have

(Here’s where the tw comes in 😳)

The last time I tried to give myself an injection i caused enough damage that my leg was in extreme pain that traveled from my thigh down to just under my knee for several days on top of that one of my thighs has a bruise under the skin from a previous injection for a while now and is still a bit tender to the touch bc I really fucked that one up......At this point Id been putting off injections because of how afraid i was of hurting myself and how my fear makes me more likely to hesitate and therefore more likely fuck it up again (U may absolutely call me dumb if u wish it’s valid in my case aksnskssk)

I am aware that a gel testosterone is MUCH more expensive than the injections but I’ve looked around and found coupons for the most commonly used gel so I’m hoping it won’t cost me quite as much using those :] though I am not aware of what the initial price is going to be since it’ll be thru pp IM sort of guessemating the price and hoping that i have some sort of wiggle room just in case

The cost is for both the visit to pp and hopefully to cover the prescription (my insurance does NOT cover the visit unfortunately :[ it would be really nice if it did) The last visit I had at pp cost me about 130 but they can range from 80-135 depending on what happens during the visit (if I’m remembering correctly !) I’m hoping my visit will be in the 80 range since they aren’t going to run any tests

I’m gonna assume the gel will cost me about 150 dollars and I’ll see if I can cover the cost myself if it’s any more expensive ! so all in all I think I’ll need around 250 to get this done :] after I know the initial price of the gel I should be able to scrape up the money (hopefully w/the help of coupons !!!!)

 if it was just the appt or the prescription by itself I could probably swing it eventually but unfortunately it’s just not high on the priority list when I have any money

I really wouldn’t be asking if I thought I had any other means of getting it realistically.. currently I can’t work due to my mental health (aka extreme social anxiety & depression 😳 lol) but I will probably end up trying to get a job regardless bc I really can’t go on with my life like this. It’s causing a lot of unnecessary stress and worry most nights 

I can’t sleep & I am getting constant headaches from all the stress I carry which isn’t helping anything lol

My art isn’t the best but I can draw most things ! So if you’d like a drawing in exchange for a donation please let me know :] it isn’t very polished and little doodles are usually what turns out best ! I can provide examples if u would like me to ! I am also relatively good with my hands so I can make things like traditional art, jewelry and simple little clay statues and pots and send them to u if you later when I have the money for materials and shipping costs if u like :]

This is not life or death or anything so if u feel that ur money is spent better else where I totally understand !

I honestly think this is a long shot and that I probably won’t get any money in the first place (it be great if so ! But again I don’t really feel like my predicament is like. Super super important in the grand scheme of things u know lol) but if u actually managed to read thru this rambley mess thank u !!! I love u and I hope ur having a good day/night :] !!

#aitxt #UHHHH #donations #so if u have tht tag blocked u can just block it njnjknjknjknjkn #sorry yall i feel really bad for asking but at this point ive been out of T for a month and thattttttt not good u know #if ur on mobile and the read more doesnt work IM SO SORRYYYYYYYYY

[angesaurus]

I had a bad mental day. I didn’t get much sleep (though Cecilia stayed in her crib all night 👍🏼) because it was the first night using her monitor and I heard EVERY sound (her grunts lol).

I finally rescheduled my PT appt at a location that does offer pelvic floor but the times are soooo limited that I got so stressed and cried when I hung up because we have to figure out a babysitter/Dan has to skip soccer.. I almost called back and canceled but then I sneezed and welll.... I really should not cancel this appt 🙄😂 I also made my 6 month dentist appt, mobile deposited all of Cecilia’s checks she got from her party into her savings account and then drove to bank and deposited the cash she got into the account. I also made list of thank you cards I need to send.

I was feeling super crappy after I picked up Gavin - I just feel gross and big. I have nowhere to go and nothing to do so I’m not really getting dressed. Plus it was fucking 90 degrees and I am soooooooo sick of the heat so I was miserable. Gavin was rude so I got mad and sent him to his room. We both cried. Cecilia wanted to eat ALL day but wouldn’t finish a bottle. Finally Dan came home and we gave both kids baths and Gavin let me read to him (he usually picks Dan).

Then Dan and I fooled around and tried to have sex for the first time post baby....... BUT we couldn’t even continue because it started to hurt after a few minutes and I got freaked out. But Dan is a team player (ladies get yourself a Dan) so we both left the bedroom feeling pretty happy 👌🏼 but I’m still freaked out about the pain I felt. I know I need to ease into it but jeez!

And then I felt the need to clean so I cleaned the tops of my end table and dresser and WOW I feel so much better. It was a huge mess. I don’t know why but I am a slob in our bedroom but I know it’s affecting my sleep and my anxiety so it needed to be done. And I organized my oils and set up my diffuser for the first time since like December. I wasn’t comfortable using my oils pregnant or with the baby in our room but now that she’s in her room, I’m so excited to get it going every night again to help with sleep and immunity.

I’m exhausted though so it’s time to meditate and read and go To bed.