#and fundamentally i am in it to help people

[drbased]

Does it ever make you ever feel depressed that men have more variation in IQ? That means even though there will always be more male idiots, there will also be more male geniuses. So women can excel in any field, but a man will almost always be the "best" in it. It just makes me feel inferior every time I think about it, way more than strength difference does. Not only that, but they also have higher variation in all types of brain structure. That would mean men are naturally more diverse, personality-wise.

Sometimes I get into these negative thought processes about stupid shit and it totally consumes me. This is my latest one... Please help

Hmm.

Well firstly, IQ is a completely fake concept designed specifically for eugenicist purposes. You can train for an IQ test, your score can change depending on the day, and your score doesn’t mean anything apart from how good you are at IQ tests. It’s not a measure of intelligence, and ‘intelligence’ isn’t real anyway - as in, there is no such quality of uniform intelligence. I think it stands to reason that the highest IQ scores will be from men, because the tests are constructed around a fundamentally male world-view and value system as well as a white one. And that is what depresses me more - that ‘intelligence’ is viewed as some innate quality that only oppressors can possess so they can prove that they deserve their place in a meritocracy. It’s like that controversy about men winning more at Jeopardy than women - the world is structured around male interests and values, so men achieve in mainstream contests and use that to retroactively justify the legitimacy of those values and interests in the culture.

I’m less interested in the concept of a man beating a woman at certain activities because of him being smarter than her, than I am about him beating her because he's socialised from a young age into enjoying and valuing those activities - but also often regardless of his actual performance, he's also by default assumed to be better and more competent than her purely because he's a man. Take for example that study where when they did blind auditions for orchestras, men still got in more than women, but when they put carpeting down so women's heels couldn't be heard, there was finally a more equal ratio of women getting in. Or those studies where identical CVs given out and names that are typical of women, black people etc. get seen as less competent than those with male and white names.

We don't live in a world where we can objectively measure men's 'natural' abilities at anything psychological. But we do live in a world where we know that women's skills are massively undervalued - women have all sorts of intelligences that make the world run round; we're excellent negotiators, we're less violent, we're great at remembering, we have greater compassion, we make good leaders, we are more responsible, we have greater tact, we are safer in the workplace, we're more conscious of social issues and the environment, etc. etc. And none of what we have is seen as 'intelligence'; in fact, quite the opposite - many of our intelligences are dismissed outright as sentimentality and pearl-clutching.

Once again, though, I don't believe these traits are uniform across all women, or that they're 'natural' to us, just as men's traits aren't 'natural' to them. In the nature-nurture debate, there are too many factors in nurture that can't be realistically measured - and I have a suspicion that for many, feminists included, simply saying that men and women naturally possess certain traits is an easier narrative to swallow, because for many women the fear exists that if men can be socialised to be better, then dismissing them as evil would be morally wrong. But I don't think people need to be intrinsically, ontologically evil for us to dismiss them as oppressors - I simply judge by behaviour, which is more measurable.

Going back to intelligence, I think it's also worth saying here that women are socialised into not recognised or appreciating our skills, and to partake in behaviours that psychologically hobble us. Take for example in that orchestra study - under a feminist lens, wearing heels is a form of hobbling that's both literal and psychological. The woman is performing a feminine ritual, wearing a physically debilitating item that submissively marks her as a woman. Not to say that she would be respected more if she was gnc, but I find it interesting how women accidentally lost their spot on the orchestra in the study because their performative clothing made them noisier and easier to recognise as women. And on top of that, we have stereotype threat - there was a study done where men and women were performing some sort of test, and in one half they were in normal clothes, and the second they were in swimwear. In the second one, women performed more poorly than they did in the first, and men saw no change. Once again, we have two inexorably interlinked factors at play, here - women's swimwear is not built for utility but rather to be sexy, and women's bodies are considered inherently sexual; that's not to say that if women were wearing men's swimwear they'd do better at the test, but rather women are socialised to be self-conscious of themselves but also expected to show more skin - we're expected to dumb ourselves down in the name of being sexy.

The upside in all of this is that the moment you recognise that these things aren't set in stone, and rather that these are all skills you can develop if you gain confidence in yourself, you develop a robust sense of self that you can be comfortable and happy with regardless of external measure of male-approved success. I, for example, found confidence in myself and my writing, and now I'm finding success and getting praise online by women on tumblr. It seems you're best finding yourself environments surrounded by other women, especially feminist-minded women who are consciously choosing to fight against established biases by valuing the skills of women that are undervalued by society. Devaluing male interests and achievements in your own head is something you can also do, and I once again recommend feminist spaces as an excellent opportunity to de-program (obligatory plug for my side blog @learningwomanhood where I do exactly that).

For me, the biggest wisdom to be gained from feminism is the psychological distancing yourself from male thought - the more things you reject that you once unthinkingly believed to be normal, the more you feel that you can truly be human, vibrant, unconstrained; and the more silly the whole enterprise of patriarchy looks. It's not nice that rejecting patriarchy means rejecting mainstream society, but the older you get the more you realise that you simply can't dwell on these things and instead have to do what benefits you within it; nobody is owed a perfect existence, and once you realise that you have to choose a life for yourself and choose to be happy with that, your life will be much more comfortable. In the end, life is all about the gestures of love you make to yourself and others. When you realise that it's your job to be your own best friend, you can carry that energy with you your whole life; you will be inpenetrable because all that matters to you, no matter what situation you're going through or what hell you're in, is that you made decisions that showed love to yourself. That could be considered a form of intelligence - perhaps wisdom itself is a form of intelligence that is devalued specifically because it's female-coded. But wisdom sounds like nothing until you internalise it - all the language in the world can't seem to really get to its essence until something inside you clicks and you understand it.

One thing I would like to say is that those negative thought processes you have are not stupid: they are a valuable part of your processing of the world and are worth attention. We have this cultural idea that with regards to mental health, the parts of us that are 'real' and 'valid' and 'truly us' are all the good parts, and the negative thought processes and patterns of behaviour are like cancerous tumours that need to be artifically removed. One of the best things I ever did for myself is to take myself seriously - because that's my prerogative, as myself and my own best friend. The only thing 'bad' thing about those thought processes is that they cause you distress; that's it. So, then, it's up to you to decide how much you want to indulge in them. I find the best way to really tackle unpleasant behavioural patterns is to simply do them shamelessly, because clearly a part of you wants to do them anyway; one of the first ways I got out of my depressive spirals was to decide that I was going to do all the depressive actions (stay in bed, eat junk food etc.) but simply embrace that those are things I want to do and not feel guilty or sad about it. That way, the depression hasn't consumed me and instead I have made a choice - I have reformed my relationship with myself as an active agent and a made a choice to show love for myself through the gesture of taking my desires seriously, not dismissing them as 'mentally ill'. I could go on but the point is that all of your head is necessarily you - as in, it doesn't come from anywhere else but you, and therefore all of it should be respected and valued. Mainstream society won't tell you that - there's always supposed to be a limit, there's always something that's 'unhealthy' in some sort of metaphysical sense, there's always a part of you that's supposed to be beholden to some external standard, that keeps you feeling insecure and needing validation. But there is no true objective measure of a healthy mind; the only thing that matters is if you're comfortable with yourself, and you can always make gestures of love to yourself regardless of your situation.

#my writing #anon #theory posting #wisdom posting

[kilometresrufflefuck]

compilation of ace attorney law school struggle tweets. please send thoughts and prayers while i wait to find out if i get to graduate so i can throw my textbooks directly into the fucking sun

#all refs are to australian law #rookposting #twitter #ace attorney #phoenix wright #eta: as funny as it is i do want to make clear i didnt ONLY get into law bc of aa hahaha #it definitely kickstarted my interest in law! #but dont worry this isnt phoenix wright simulator for me! #i take it very seriously! #and fundamentally i am in it to help people #second eta as of mid to late 2023 yes i graduated!

[spaceratprodigy]

*gulp* deacon/iris "please just kiss me" intimacy ask........ NYE party- (i am shot)

@oldworldwidgets — [ intimacy prompts ]

It's in the stars, it's been written in the scars on our hearts

We're not broken, just bent, and we can learn to love again

pose reference

#if u need me I'm gonna be on the floor thinking abt the doomed love of the disaster besties #aud.. aud my love my darling.. this little scene we crafted has been rotating nonstop in my brain for months #it has fundamentally ruined me #but it's so perfect it hurts so good I love seeing the lines blurring I love them not being able to get it right #struggling to communicate through the heartache *chefs kiss* #him.. him being the one to ask.. #I am unwell you are always sending me banger prompts my dear AND you always know how to help put my chaotic ramblings in the perfect words #OUGH miss aud oldworldwidgets I love you with my entire heart and soul you are such a ray of sunshine in my life #also I still have the other two intimacy prompts u sent me for them in my back pocket..... #I've had some ideas of how they can spend the night on the roof under the stars together...... #more on that later #ANYWAY #ilysm I am blowing you so many kisses rn #finally the people get to know who miss iris really kissed on new years eve on this fine day of *checks watch* valentine's day #(sorry nicky ✌😔 just bestie things u know how it is) #my art #sole survivor #fallout #fallout 4 #fo4 #deacon #deacon fallout 4 #deacon fo4 #oc x canon

[vaguely-concerned]

hope is a lot like a muscle. if you're forced to rely on it to keep you upright for long enough with no relief that shit starts to cramp right the fuck up

#listen it's a lovely sentiment I don't want to take it away from anyone who finds it soothing or helpful. but I am very very tired #sometimes I feel like a weird bitter monster for not being helped by things that seem to help so many other people #like I don't begrudge them that at all it just makes me feel like my soul must be fundamentally misshapen #to not take any of it in

[rutadales]

okok not to cdroolish post constantly but the fact that all of Foolish's time on the smp Dream has been this lingering figure over it that he just doesn't quite get. Dream is this boogy man, this villain, this horrible creature locked away that he's never even met, never spoken too. From what he's heard, he has to be his enemy but Foolish just. doesn't know.

All Foolish has to go on is outside information, and then all he has is this obscure, impossible to pin down god who just so happens to look exactly like the person everyone is afraid of. And it doesn't make sense and it doesn't fit together, but it's all Foolish has, ya know?

And then he meets him, and Dream just instantly contextualizes so much in a single conversation. Dream may have done horrid shit, but so has Quackity. So has Sam. Suddenly, the lines aren't so clear cut. Suddenly, Dream isn't the only villain on the server. Everyone is a scumbag. Everyone is an asshole just doing what they think they have to.

AND GOD! it's that moment that I want to chew on forever because no one else has broken it down like that for Foolish before. Everyone else is painting themselves in a good light, the right choice, or at the very least Dream as the big bad, and then Dream, who knows who he is and what he's done, just outright says that no, everyone has skeletons in their closet. And I think that's hard for Foolish to hear because he's constantly grasping for reasons to not do what he has to do. He is someone who constantly chooses kindness, who everyone gets along with, and whose greatest threat is an undefinable eldritch being who mind controls his friends, so it's not even their fault that they killed him! So for him to find out that behind his back, someone he trusted was torturing someone who is supposedly the worst person on the server? UGH INJECT IT INTO MY VEINS

that's why I like them so much, because Dream functions has this really potent wakeup call for Foolish and draws into questions a lot of what Foolish refuses to do and why he refuses to do them. They're fun little narrative foils for one another and I love that. also "one big happy family" 🤝 "everyone getting along like they use to"

#c!droolish #c!dream #c!foolish #Also they're both my favorite characters so I think they should kiss but that doesn't at all influence my readings of these things #I am not biased but they should kiss and fight over their fundamental differences in how they view the world #and maybe realize that they actually see things in a very similar light ohhhhhhhh #root talks #I am kinda simplifying things for this post because foolish has a lot more going on of course #and dream WAS trying to get foolish to see him in a better light in that stream #because he wanted foolish's help #which is a trend in foolish's dynamics with a lot of people #is that they need him for work or power or what have you #but dream getting foolish to view the people he's working next to in a different light is SO important #which I've talked before in other posts #I am rambling but ya know ya know #There's a lot here to chew on

[eff-plays]

Not exactly a dadstarion truther either (mostly bc it took me a while to actually warm up to the idea and also hes NEVER having kids with my durge, only my tav (can you imagine this man parenting a Bhaalspawn? A dhampir Bhaalspawn?? Nonono.)) But I do find something a little compelling about the thought of this man who a) has had absolutely nothing of his own for as long as he can remember and b) sees himself as worthless and irreparably fucked up creating this tiny new person? Like, they're part of him, he made this precious little creature (with the person he already loves most)? This soft and innocent thing? (Which he would waffle awfully between wanting to keep innocent for as long as possible but also making sure they know about life's horrors so they can avoid them) Like sure the baby version is annoyingly loud and can't do anything and also gross and smells but he can teach the toddler to bite people. He is the absolute worst enabler, spoils the kid rotten. Teaches them to steal and pick locks and just lets them get away with murder. Parent #2 has to do all the actual parenting part cuz damn he's not doing the discipline thing at all.

Also the vain part of him likes looking at his kid and sort of seeing some of his face in them, since he can't use an actual mirror.

Well he'd be cured by the time he has the kid or soon after in my canon, so that last part wouldn't apply for me.

And yeah, when I say that I'm not a dadstarion truther I don't mean that I don't see it happening ever, but more that to me, that first step in itself is the one that I see as least likely.

Because I can accept that he would learn to love the kid, that he would care about it and spoil it. I can also accept (and would gladly explore) him having a complicated relationship with the kid, either early on in a postpartum depression sort of way, or further down the line in a "I can't find common ground with my teen/young adult" sort of way (or both lbr).

The problem, to me, is that I don't see Astarion going "let's have a kid!" I don't see him genuinely wanting one, and I don't see him finding any reason to lie about wanting one, and I don't see Hira believing any of those lies even if he does try. It's really the initial hurdle. The rest I'm happy to make as dysfunctional and weird as it would realistically be when a guy who shouldn't be a dad becomes a dad. One of the reasons I came up with Critter is because I find it compelling how much Astarion is not a dad guy, and how that would fuck up a person like Critter. That's juicy stuff. And also a way for me to work out my own daddy issues I guess lmao.

But getting that started? Actually inventing a reason for how Astarion would even agree to it? That's where I struggle. And that's why I'm torn. Cuz I do want to stay true to my own interpretation of a character, while also wanting to create a new character and put them both (and also Hira) in situations.

Like I'm happy for all the dadstarion peeps who have cool dhampir girlies running around on adventures and I'd love to join them, but I also think that if I were true to Astarion's characterization, that kid would have issues. Like maybe a lot of them.

#bg3 #i'm not in it for the squee of omg cute baby!! #i do not care about babies or kids in general it's not why i'm here #i have no parental instincts and do not personally plan to ever reproduce #nor am i in it for the nuclear faerûnian family fantasy #i'm in it for the 'my traumatized parents love me but couldn't help but traumatize me in small ways just by being themselves' #'cuz parents are also people and maybe they regret having me and maybe i made their lives worse' #'but they also can't imagine it without me because i'm part of them and they're part of me' #ya feel me??? #like yeah i imagine most of the kid's life is excellent and both parents love them v much #but having astarion as a parent would defo do things to your brain that maybe shouldn't be done #hira would be passable if paired with a normal person but they wouldn't tolerate anything but complete devotion to their child #(which astarion fundamentally can't provide imo) #which is also bad cuz bby ur shutting down all communication and compromise and making asty feel like shit #like it would be very dysfunctional for a long while until the kid was like older toddler-age maybe #until the point where astarion would realize there's a person in there and not just a weird crying shitting bag of meat that his partner #inexplicably values over him #once that realization hits him i think he'd do way better #but until then he's fucked

[dykedvonte]

If Ulysses has a million haters, then I'm one of them. If Ulysses has one hater, then I'm THAT ONE. If Ulysses has no haters, that means I'm dead. If the world is with Ulysses than I’m against the world.

#this is slightly joking but like also not but also like am mixed on Ulysses on many factors #infuriating because i sympathize with his pain but it’s like #he is a well written and fundamentally flawed character whose hypocrisy I found doubly in #black characters I can tell were designed by white people with a semblance of an understanding of activism and bipoc oppression #but not enough for the character to not feel like hand holding for the majority white audience #plus personal grips with the whole twisted hairs thing and reference to slave braiding patterns #Ulysses irks me as a black person on a weird personal level and I can go into debt on why him being black is a big detractor for him to me #like he continues this cycle of distancing himself from his roots before remembering over and over again through his actions #he leave so much in his wake that the courier ends up correcting or helping like in honest hearts and old world blues because he’s self #righteous in a subtle way even to himself that he believes he stand out of his one man rule when he does not play an active hand #saw a post talk about how you choose to continue moving through his story and can leave at any moment and this it is partially your fault #but what of the oath that is set before you and is forced to take that he set up #I do not have to walk it but when I do the steps are not my own but those taken for me #you have to go out of your way to change it which is not something he expects because he’s playing by a story he’s been perpetuating in his #head about you two and the effect one man has when he’s continually been that one man more so than you as many of his actions directly lead #to the one you go through also the irony in the flag he continues to bear being the real reason he has no home #like he reps it when the package is likely enclave and thus use the same symbol #also still can’t get over how anyone could have delivered the package and he tries so hard to act like it was the couriers destiny or fate #when this was the one case of chance and that once man was likely a enclave engineer and how it’s really is never one man #it the process and he’s so annoying about it like he’s a cool character but if you don’t believe in his philosophy or already went through #these ideas cause they are very common talking points in poc especially BIPOC spaces he’s just old hashings and stunted #fallout #fallout new vegas #Ulysses you upset me but I’m like I feel you could be better if you weren’t so incessant #I don’t think I ever want to make a serious post stating this about him just because I’d start yapping and it’d never get finished #ulysses fnv #fnv ulysses #lonesome road

[dandyshucks]

blinks tiredly. i decide "hm maybe i should try to expand my circle and step outside of it a little, lets go look at the main community tags" and im just greeted with a bunch of edgelords who think saying "fiction doesn't affect reality, don't like don't read" is peak activism and "fighting censorship". head in my hands. this is partially why i do not ever go into the community tags, my nervous system cannot handle blocking fifty weirdos every single day just so i can have a normal experience in the community tags hfdsjkl

#I HAVE SO MANY PEOPLE BLOCKED ALREADY. i am TRYING to curate my experience 😭😭😭 #and i have so many tags blacklisted fjdsjkl like. so many. every single variation of tag to do with those chuckleheads #which helps avoid them a lot of the time tbh bc it'll flag posts that ppl rb if the original post was tagged w any of those #so i can avoid rbing posts that have chuckleheads as the op most of the time #i also usually double check OP's blog before i rb stuff now bc man this place is rife with these weirdos #ANYWAYS. yes i want to try to engage w the community but i do not think i can handle it if theres gonna be so many edgelords jkdslfl #the only way i follow new ppl now is when yall do promo hour and i sometimes see a new face pop up fdsjkl #every now and then i have energy to try to engage with new ppl but its so difficult when so many ppl are such insufferable edgelords !!!! #''im the nasty pr-sh-pper your parents warned you about 😎'' cool man you sound like the most insufferably obnoxious person ever. :/ #''if you like CENSORSHIP-'' i am hitting block immediately bc u have a fundamental misunderstanding of what censorship actually is 👍 #I'M TIREDDDD WHY ARE PEOPLE SO DUMB ABOUT THIS STUFF. ''fiction doesn't affect reality'' I GUESS PROPAGANDA DOESNT EXIST THEN ???? #what a strange world they live in honestly. they dont understand how stories have served humans since the dawn of time. sighing loudly. #vent // #SORRY FOR THIS ONE IM JUST. ARGH. ppl talk abt encouraging community but i think maybe im not cut out for community #i want desperately to partake but i cannot handle it if it means dealing w all these bozos #it frustrates me to no end fdhsjkl and it upsets me so much and i wish i could deal w it better but. my nervous system is broken fdsjkl #i will try to expand my circle every now and then but i cannot do it often bc of this 😭 im not going to give up entirely though fdsjkl #(also this is partially why i dont tag my posts w community tags anymore bc i am just. so scared of these freaks getting their hands on it) #(the most i'll do is s.afeship or variations every now n then bc supposedly they're not in those tags fdsjkl) #delete later #dandyshucks

[simcardiac-arrested]

once again sorry to everyone for bringing this to your dashboards. but some of you are like, genuinely delirious. not even in a funny way. & i hope you die. i hope we both die. hand in unlovable hand etc etc

#Just so fucking bizarre to me how people can be Like This. there has to be something so wrong with your brain on a fundamental level #i can’t even laugh about this or anything because i genuinely feel pity for these people. it’s so sad to me how you’re gonna be like 20 #and then go in a niche tumblr community and create drama over Nothing. over Thin Fucking Air #like do you not have a life? do you not have college? or a job? doesn’t it get tiring? don’t you ever feel ashamed about all this #and the fact that they go and complain about the shipping and the ‘fandombrained’ people as well…. oh my god #how are you going to be TWENTY. and DO THAT. are you seriously sick. ? do you need help #just say you are homophobic and that you hate kids and go. it’ll save everyone a bunch of time for sure #anyways. as someone who has been a rain world fan since 2018. i love you embracing canon. i love you changing canon. i love you disregarding #canon entirely. i love you ships that make sense in canon & that make absolutely zero sense at all. i love you fancharacters that don’t #follow canon rules. i love you ‘cringe’ fancharacters and self inserts. i love you self shipping. i love you oc x canon shipping. #and i love you taking inspiration from designs. i love you community & i love you artists & i love you art #i love you borrowing elements and being inspired and referencing something because you liked it. #are fandoms perfect? GOOD GOD no. is every Fan perfect? no. am i also sometimes annoyed or irrationally pissed off over a ship that #i think is stupid and is illogical. Yes! i’m only human! but i can still love and appreciate the whole CREATIVITY of it all. and the whole #Fun that people are having. i love you having fun. if i don’t like it or if anyone else doesn’t like it they can just Cope #instead of hateposting about it on main and indirectly bullying people who are most likely children. or lgbt. or both #anyways. please continue doing whatever you want. The world is your oyster and you only live on earth once #everyone else can fuck off

[trans-cuchulainn]

.

#i am so fundamentally ill-equipped to be my neighbour's sole source of support and job hunting advice #because every time she sends me a message or a question #my entire stomach ties itself in a knot and my skin feels 3 sizes too small #due to my crushing awareness of how important it is that she is supported and how unable i am to do that #i have pointed her towards a bunch of resources but she is still coming to me and i don't know how to be like #please. i need you to talk to those people not because i don't like you but because i am extremely mentally ill #i cannot be your only person in the world. i can't. on a fundamental level i cannot do that #even if you didn't have major problems i couldn't do that! #and you do! and i'm not qualified to help fix them! and i need you to talk to people who can!

[hella1975]

the harsher parts of mental illness are always treated so so badly in media and it's genuinely very special to see someone handling them gently - especially because you've said it's very personal for you and that makes it so much easier to like? live in i suppose? because like you said the guilt can be overwhelming and the crushing weight of knowing KNOWING that you're one bad day away from wrecking an important relationship just out of pure FEAR can be so debilitating to live with especially bc people do fundamentally view that as just. a bitch response. knee jerk malice. but it's not half the time it's sheer fear (which doesn't excuse it but it does explain more) so it's nice to see that being treated like the actual complex response it is <3

yes omfg i need to stop getting surprised when taob winds up being incredibly cathartic for me bc i put a bit of myself in it and (shocker!) there are people like that who actually get it. like there are multiple people that to this day ACTIVELY dislike me because i not only said something bad to them but because i ON PURPOSE took the thing i knew would hurt them most and said it in the harshest way i possibly could. like that was a conscious effort on my part i went out of my way to think about what would hurt them and i just went for their jugular. but i wasn't doing it for the sake of meanness any more than i was doing it because they deserved it. like i said before there are two instances when i do this and that's as a defence mechanism or to self-destruct. i dont really do the former anymore - and that took YEARS to grow out of bc that was my Main Response to literally ANY conversation i didnt want to have. people are significantly less likely to ask you personal questions if you immediately try and make them cry when they do lol. this is where 90% of my 'i was a bitch in secondary school' posting comes from - but ironically the less i gave into the former the more it translated into the latter, so i lost either way and so did the people around me. i really dont think im that bad anymore bc i found ways around it and now i cant think off the top of my head anything even CLOSE to what i used to do that's happened recently, but i have YEARS OLD guilt from long dead friendships that i will - and deserve to - live with forever bc regardless of the reasoning behind it i still said terrible things. and like. it never gets talked about bc from an outside pov im very obviously being a complete cunt and who would want to sympathise with that

#like when i get a certain way my go to response to it nowadays is to isolate and typically that would be a bad thing #and a couple weeks ago actually boom noticed me doing it and naturally bc they're a good friend #they were worried and wanted to figure out a way around it bc isolating during a depressive episode is generally considered a Bad Call lol #but the reason i isolate is bc ive now learnt my own tells to figure out when my self-destructive behaviour is gonna start lashing out #like i literally remove myself from people now bc i KNOW if i dont regardless of if they're trying to help me #that dumb voice in my head is either gonna want to get them the fuck away #OR i'll want to like. 'prove' to them that im fundamentally this awful person and they're better off without me #and either way it doesnt end well for anyone involved #like the damage i deal myself by doing that is significantly higher than the damage i deal myself when i isolate #even if neither are particularly enjoyable #and it's got a twisted reassurance to it too like id rather hurt myself alone than take other people down with me #and i like to think that proves that - regardless of how rough around the egdes i am and the hurt ive caused - im actually a kind person #and like. that's what growing up is about! im learning coping mechanisms and ways around it! im getting better! #yes it's not perfect but by fucking god is it an improvement lol #ask #taob asks

[lightblueminecraftorchid]

.

How to explain that going to church makes me hurt and angry, but not going to church makes me sad and depressed.

#I need to go to Mass. I need to get over the anxiety mental block and just go. #blue chatter #it’s just. I’ve only gone a couple times this semester and every time has left me feeling more empty and hurt than when I walked in #and I know Mass is more than just how you feel. and that it matters that I am there where God calls me to be #I know. #I wish nobody there knew me so they wouldn’t be so worried and ask questions about where I’ve been #it’s like. I cannot possibly explain to my church friends why I haven’t been showing up. #it’s not even scrupulosity anymore it’s just. I can’t be here. I don’t belong here. #and the new priest is trying *so hard*. I’ve been honest with him about how I’m struggling. #but it’s just. there’s something missing. he wants to include the congregation but fundamentally doesn’t understand what that means. #‘everyone is welcome. No I will not make an effort to include marginalized people. they’re welcome bc they can Walk In The Door.’ #and I know it’s not that the church has changed #if anything I’d be having the same issues with the old priest. I’m the one who’s changed. #but instead of spending my Sundays with God I’m just. melting into a puddle of Sad. and that’s not good for my faith life. #I need to do *something*. I just. any time I think of trying a new church i feel exhausted. #God please help me. #I don’t know where to go from here. I don’t want to be alone and miserable and losing touch with my faith

[soldier-poet-king]

No fr maybe sometimes ur intrusive nsfw ocd thoughts aren't ocd or sex but are ur brain trying to work thru some awful uncomfortable realizations about urself and the broken warped links between the nebulous concepts of punishment, comfort, reward, and deserve and how the lines are blurred and none of these really mean anything to u

#the duality of fran #im not saying ofc sex is is bad or kink or whatever #i am saying me specifically with my fuckin nasty ass brain and 0 concept of not being a people pleaser #a thing about myself i find both terrible and also euphoric #for me specifically where i am rn it would be!!! bad!!!! and the ocd sure doesnt help when it's like #oh u MUST navel gaze obsess about MEANING 24/7 #especially when it is uncomfortable #mostly tho i think this is somehow both religious/existential and everyday/physical #where is that love is soup god is soup post i made #about how all of these things are fundamentally inextricable and connected #bc they stem from the same source #so theres no really truly separating the carnal from the divine form the physical from the spiritual from the mundane #its all soup. some with more some with less ingredients. but its all soup in the human soul #.maybe.

[smol-tired-binch-blog]

hate how im now at a point where im legit like kicking my legs and grinning like an idiot over fictional characters SEND HELP

#take One Guess who im talking about. YES ITS KOI BOI #hes so prettyyyyy and cute and lovely and i love looking at him i wanna hear him speak and laugh and sing just AAAAAAAAAAAA #(turns to my own brain) BITCH WE ARE MEANT TO BE AROACE WHY ARE YOU IN LOVE WITH TWO FICTIONAL CRIMINALS WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING????? #my brain: (that fuckin anime girl gif from evangelion (i think??)) #like fuuuuuck man is it self shipping if u use a proxy? like. hes an oc but he's a stand in for me. he is me and i am him but we also arent #he is his own person and i am my own our lives are very very different but i use him to express love for Mad Dog and Koi Boy #cause they could actually love him if i were in their world i wouldnt stand a chance but my boy has one so he loves them for me #its far easier to imagine him kissing them than it is for me to imagine myself kissing them but that might be because im wired weird #idk it *feels* like it counts yknow. my dumbass out here gettin jealous when i see a Certain Ship cause like i disagree with it on #a Fundamental Level. and on TOP of that half the time the art is so CUTE and im like 'motherfucker that should be ME' or i guess my lad but #STILL am i making sense?? doesnt help that i worry im like. misreading what content i have but also fuck you i can do what i want and also #i get him more than yall kgyugkhjhk (jk jk. Unless) basically when i call them my boyfriends i fuckin mean it #look its Real Missing Nishiki Hours i love him i wanna kiss his perfect face someone shoulda shown him love i could save him and he could #make me worse <3 I Want Him #and do not get me wrong i may be focused on him but Majima is still my wifey too!!! hes mine you cant have her <3 #i just have koi boy brainrot i very much desire them Both (YES THAT MIGHT BE WHY I SHIP THEM TOO LOOK I ALSO THINK THEYD WORK WELL TOGETHER #OR AT LEAST HAVE A FUN DYNAMIC TO EXPLORE I SHOULD DATE THEM AND THEY SHOULD DATE EACH OTHER WE ALL HAVE 2 HANDS) #might delete this in the mornin who knows but im feelin silly i wanna talk about them i wanna talk about my boy but idk if ppl would really #GET IT yknow i can think of maybe Two People and that INCLUDES bestie but just aaaa point is i love my koi boy so much hes so lovely <3 <3

[professionaljester]

how the fuck do people make friends online lol

#abc shut it #vent #or in general #im so fucking lonely lol i cant even play games anymore bc thats cringe wow your so lonely looser #i dont draw anymore bc it doesnt fullfill me bc i have no one to share it with and no one cares #i wish my existence was acknowledge besides when im wrong and being stupid or lashing out and being mean bc ive hit my limit with being #treated lesser than those around me #for a fundamental flaw in my whole being and soul that i cannot fix and ppl wont tell me what it is #I feel like im screaming PLEASE SEE ME PLEASE HEAR ME #and everyone just fucking ignores me what am i doing wrong can someone tell me what im doing wrong #im so self aware to the point of exhaustion and i still fuck up and dont know whats wrong with me #please just someone help me and tell me #i feel like i have no one and cant rely on others please #im at my wits end #if i cant buy a house and still feel this lonely by 30 im ending it all i cant live in a world this terrible anymore #idk i feel like the people i do have in my life cant even bother to makle the time for me and i cant even have a moment to dicuss that with #them #bc they never text me back or are never around long enough to have that conversation with me #or if i cant make it known im treated like an idioit for feeling that way and i shouldnt be so selfish that ppl dont wanna make time for me #i just wanna feel like im cared and loved for in return is that too much to ask for #the people i care about i feel dont care as much for me as i do them #and if they do they dont show it to me at all #all i do is get belittled and treated like a child and talked over #i cant do it anymore

[popop-maru]

.

#dont read this shit lmao it sucks #that christmas feeling when you realize that one or two good days doesnr break you out of the suicidal funk youve been in for months. #and you realize you really have no accomplishments and nothing in life to be proud of or look forward to. #and you realize you are really a fundamentally unlovable person who has wasted over 20 years of life that others have used to build familied #and you realize it will always be this way because something inside you is just fundamentally broken and undesirable and just. #just useless and completely unneeded by people and by the world at large and that youll never have the life you wanted #you just dont have the tools or the mental fortitude to start over and create the life you wanted for yourself and you never will #and all you have are temporary comforts that have no lasting impact on the world or even on your own life as a whole #and that you are basically just a parasite wasting space and wasting time until you finally die because nobody will ever truly want/need you #even if I got a job today thats really all im doing with my life. just waiting and wasting time and trying to make it more comfortable. #until i finally die and look back and realize thats all I ever did and i didnt even deserve that. #sorry but I feel like I just need to scream into the void even tho I hate being like this online. #but everyone i know has other bigger problems and they dont need to hear this so im just yelling at computer #i just want to be happy and feel fulfilled!! i just want to be loved!! but i am born incapable of these feelings bc i was just. #made wrong #or i made myself this way idk #but something went deeply wrong with my life and Im just stalling until its finally over #bc Im too scared to just end it myself no matter how much i fantasize about it. #this isnt a cry for help or anything I just feel like I need to say it and feel seen before I explode. #anyway I really deeply hate myself and I feel I am fundamentally not human and not deserving of my life #but i still hope maybe you wont unfollow bc maybe this stupid blog made uou smile once #and that maybe that makes you feel a connection idk. thats all i can do. thats all im capable of. #suicidal tw