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hachinokaby · 4 years

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almost 2 months

im watching Dr. K and i just feel like i should like write something to be like if im talking to someone about stuff. dang it i almost went 2 months without talking about what i feel but i think i can do better

i dont know anymore really, i dont know why i type this stuff , it doesnt really makes me feel better or worst, im just like numb talking about it, ive been trying to understand but i just got to the point where before college, i wasnt worried about anything, but after i went to college and moved out and lived alone i just felt like, since primary school or later ive always been used to, not expecting much, i remember in primary school i had one friend and they told me they didnt wanted to be my friend anymore because i wasnt doing a lot for them and someone else more popular replaced me, and i just had to accept it and move on. i remember being abused by everyone since my mom was a sub director of my school so everyone thought she was passing me all my classes, even tho, all my grades were 7 and i got like some 8′s, i would think if she was passing me she would put me 10′s or something like that? but even tho i was still stupid and was barely passing they still thought that, and maybe i was actually failing and i wasnt really good and she barely passed me to keep me in school.. even so after that how would i have gone to college now if i was actually not good enough to pass.. i remember eating a lot in primary school because of my classmates, i couldnt eat in my classroom, i couldnt be in any team, if there were events i would try my hardest to be normal and not fuck it up so they would accept me, even when they put me with someone else they would beg to not be with me, so i had to be perfect so they wouldnt make fun of me all week about it. i remember eating a lot in recess, because that would make me feel better, i was always in the school administration and they would let me stay there in recess because they knew, and i was just used to being there, i had to stay silent and not move or say anyhting, just eat my thing there until recess is over and go to my classroom again. i remember i had a group project and i had to go to a classmates house to finish it with others, my classmate mother’s made spaghetti and she asked if i wanted more, i say yes because i havent eaten anything all day and like a dumb kid i asked again and my classmates made fun of me all month becuase i asked for more food when we were working on our project, and thats something that always stuck with me even now.

and since primary school i always wanted to have friends, because i never had anyone to talk or play or spend time with, all primary school i would go to school and my mother would drop me alone in my house and she would leave for work all day until night, i never really asked her anything or thought of her bad or anything, i knew she was working a lot all day and i would just stay home all day alone watching tv or on her computer, and yeah i had a lot of time to just look in the internet and i remember looking at all those sites, gore or violent videos would pop up, porn would too, music and chat with online people. but yeah i was really young and i was also scared to cause some problem and make my mother angry or stressed so i would just try to not enter any weird sites. i remember when i was like 6th grade or something like that i would go with my mother to her 2nd job in another school, but she was a teacher in that one, so i would just stay outside in the playground just waiting like 7 hrs until shes done and we would leave late and just go home, one time i was playing with her students, they were in primary school and one of them threw a rock, like the size of their hand to my head and opened the back of my head, they all ran to my mother and i followed them, they were hugging my mother and i didnt even wanted to enter the room so i just stayed in the door telling her that her students threw a rock at my head and i wanted her to do something or tell them something, and she just calmed them and told me to leave and clean my head in the bathroom, she now says i was too angry to even noticed i was covered in blood and i just let it heal alone by the years, to this day i havent gone to the doctor to check it or do something.

i also remember back in primary school my mother and I went to the grocery store to buy vegetables, and she left me alone in a Inflatable castle outside the store, i just got bored really quick and went inside to look for her, i didnt found her and i just left and walked to my home alone, nothing happened to me but i got yelled at and punished for doing that, but i guess it was okay since i left withotu saying anything

i dont know why i wrote all of that now that i think about it, but its okay i guess its good for me, lately i noticed theres like 2 pics of me in my house, one is of me graduating high school and the other is one of me as a kid, and i just felt like taking them off and putting them inside a drawer, there are like 30 pictures in all my house and all of them are of the whole family, so i just felt like taking them off so they dont have to look at my pictures anymore, maybe someday when i die they wont feel too bad if theyre not used to seeing me around anymore, i already know they wont since im known for being the cousin who lives in their room and never goes out, wonder why, yeah! if i ever get sick, who would know about it, if i never go out so they dont know, its not like when they need anything from me they message me until i respond and made me do it, because even thought i feel bad or something ill still do it, because it makes me feel validated and like they know im here and someone wants my help, like im useful

i just want to feel like im useful, i want to feel like even thought i cant do the best i can still try, i can be someone who also deserves a friend or a family, even when i my parents barely know about me, or anyone from my family knows me at all, im still someone, i know whatever happened to me before its in the past and i should move on and try to work with what i have, but my family is a constent reminder of all of that, because they did it, because my mother helped, because my father helped, because both sides of the family did it, because i never felt welcomed here

ive never had self harm thoughts, its just something i think about from time to time of what would happen if i do, and i always just think i dont even deserve to kill myself or hurt myself, why would i do that, why would i be like everything is so bad i should just die. it makes me feel even worst to think that because everything that happened i maybe deserved it, and now its just me having to live life and do the best i can with what i have, and i shouldnt even ask for help, i can do it by myself, i should be able to do it, if i dont then that proves i was never good enough to even get this far in life

anyways, ive never hurt myself, or had bad thoughts., i just feel like maybe i should have those thoughts so i could then ask for help, because i know those arent normal, and i never had them, so im okay and i just have bad memories and i should just move on

#why would i put tags #idk #but they look cool #yeah

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an-agender-disaster · 4 years

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im venting

i need to come clean, i am a fourteen year old who lives with my parents who both have jobs. we are well of. i dont have to worry about college, or if ill eat, or if ill still have a roof over my head. every day i try my best to be thankful for what ive been born into, but today i just need to scream

i hate my mom, dad, brother, and sister so so so so so so so so so so so so much. so much that it scares me. some nights i lie awake thinking about murdering them, and that scares me. some nights i lie awake thinking about killing myself, and that scares me.

they are all the same. the rich, southern, homophobic, transphobic, racist, sexist, republican, 2nd amendment worshiping rednecks. i hate every part of them, and my greatest dream is getting away from them when i graduate college, and i worked with a tumblr friend in october of last year to make a plan to do that early, but i got so so scared of what would happen if they found me again that i couldnt do it.

maybe some of you remember late october of last year, where i came out to them. they never hated me more. i never wanted to kill myself more. just typing this out im crying about it again. it would be the one thing i undo in life if i could

they deny the virus. they dont think masks work. my moms a nurse, and she just yelled at me for wanting to wear my mask outside because my state reopened and they think that means its all over

does what im saying even matter? is anyone listening? i just need help, or a distraction, or anything. if you read this, can you just try and cheer me up right now? im breaking apart, an di just need to know that you are there, or that someone will actually listen. im so so sorry that im asking, but i just need the connection

#vent #tw suicide mention #tw vent

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adoraas · 5 years

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She Ra Princess Protection Program Au Part 2

Princess Protection Au Part 1

Characters…Again!

Scorpia - When her kingdom was attacked by mysterious forces, Scorpia is glad to join the Horde. Here they accept her, unlike the PPP who wouldn’t accept Scorpia or her kingdom. Scorpia has a kind exterior and is doing her best with her own best friend squad. Why, she’s even drawn art of herself, Catra, and Entrapta. It’s pretty good if you ask her.

Entrapta - Caught in a similar situation like Scorpia’s, Entrapta’s kingdom was destroyed. The Princess Protection Program no longer to be found, the opposite of what she was told by her parents who said they would save her. Entrapta joins the Evil Horde with new resolve. Here there is no one to leave her. There will be no one to abandon her again.

Light Hope - We are still really hoping her name isn’t Doris like do you realize how terrible that would be because it’s that terrible. The thought gives me hives. Anyways, no one is sure of Light Hope’s real name. She is a mysterious figure, and operation leader of the Princess Protection Program. She prides herself on their 85% success rate, and her only known motivation for achieving all of this is because she believes its the right thing to do. Maybe? We really aren’t sure about that in PPP HQ.

Hordak - We think his name is Hordak. Which really says alot about our databases. Maybe he has another bad name? Like Kyle, Kyle is a terrible name. Hordak sounds like he’s choking to death on a hotdog. Maybe if we’re lucky he will. Hordak is the distant ruler of the kingdom Fright Zone, the next door neighboor to the now destroyed kingdom Bright Moon. One day evil planted itself into the mind of Hordak and now he seeks to take over all the kingdoms, like he’s bootleg bowser, its great for him that he has an 11% success rate. Not so great for everyone else that isn’t the Evil Horde. And yes, everyone calls them that.

Agent Dao - Called Micah by his close friends. Agent Dao was a kind man, and sure enough he would be able to break Agent Angella’s cold exterior we see today. Agent Dao was apart of the Princess Protection Program along side his wife Agent Angella. Unfortunately, Agent Dao finds himself no longer working for the agency, as he is doing bigger and better things. Like supposedly being 6ft underground.

Lonnie - Catra’s new bff, actually not bff. Actually you know what? Lonnie is not defined by her relationship to Catra. She is her own person, with her own feelings, and thoughts. Why is no one a citzen of the Horde yet? Why does the Horde have Child Soilders? Lonnie might often find herself wondering the intergriety of the Horde, but she doesn’t have much time to ask questions with Shadow Weaver breathing down her and Catra’s neck all the time. Rebellion is often punished and that’s so not what she needs right now, what she needs is to know why Catra got a 3 week vacay in Etheria, and Lonnie has to replace her post in Rheas. Now that i think about it, this all goes against the 3rd sentence in this paragraph. Anyways, Lonnie is confident in her abilities and she don’t need no Catra.

Regalio - A Horde Soldier, who replaces Catra’s position in Rheas. Magic might be real, but Regalio is not a giant lizard. Sure he has a giant dianosaur tattoo, and he loves his pet geko Hanzo, but why does that matter to you? It’s not like he goes were-godzilla whenever there’s a crescent moon. That would be stupid and a total twilight rip off bc we know twilight has the rights over werewol- I mean were-godzillas. Not that those exist, because once again..that’s stupid.

Kyle - Wow here’s a horrible name in action. Who named him? His mother? She has bad taste. A soldier working for the Horde, Kyle is terrible at his job. Unable to do things the right way, you know such as, be bad properly. It’s shocking Kyle was allowed to infiltrate the Castle in Rheas. Maybe Hordak was hoping this failed soldier would fall off a balcony. We know Catra was.

Places

Etheria - A country, not a monarchy. Located far away from Rheas.

Fright Zone - The orginal kingdom of the Horde. Hordak enjoys evil laughing there alot. Sometimes if he’s in a good mood, Shadow Weaver gets to evil laugh with him.

Rheas^1 - Theodora’s and Amara’s Kingdom. Home to the Jewel of Sperrus. May hope and honor guide you.

Canaille High School - A highschool in the country of Etheria. Grades 9-12. How does that middle schooler Frosta keep getting in here? Tell her she’s 12 and can’t be in here! Also, get her out of my vents!

Lune Brillante: Horse Range - Like stated earlier. I want Swift Wind here! Angella Dao and Zuan Tuyen Dao^2 own the horse range!

**i*h* *o** - *g**t A******’* *es**oy*d *i**d**. I’m sorry I don’t know what’s happened, we’ve seen to have lost the information in this portion of the database! I’ll try to recover it later.

Agent Database

[No Information To Be found]

Where is the detailed history regarding Agent Angella’s past? We also lost that?! What about the details regarding Agent Dao’s demise? Gone too? Lovely.

Plot Points for the 2nd time!

Find the missing information regarding our most trusted operative Agent Dao. Yes, I could tell you word of mouth but it’s a lot less cooler than accessing the database!

Keep Princess Theodora safely guarded on Etheria, must no one come into content with the princess besides people within Agent Angella’s close circle. Not even Queen Amara is allowed to breach contact.

Keep the Jewel of Sperrus safely in the hands of Princess Theodora, who knows what would happen if Hordak got his hands on it.

Find out who this Mysterious Shadow Weaver is, besides her being Hordak’s bff.

May hope and honor guide us. May it lead us to Grayskull.

Notes

I for real dont know where i was going with this? Ahhh i know I mushed together the thought of this being like me accessing a network of information? But i also wanted to try and explain some things too!

Some stuff i wanna keep secret bc its WAY more fun that way adowowjs

^1: Mwahs to nolan/ @froggergays bc i was talking about how i couldnt think of a name for adora and they suggested rheas, so i used that for the fictional kingdom adora lives at!

^2: mwahs to elise/ @nya-ra as well bc i remembered glimmer was asian and she let me steal her Vietnam Glimmer hc, so thats glimmer’s real name!

I didnt mention Bow in this but his real name is Zion Jackson. him and glimmer are now the z club. adora is an honorary member :/

Truthfully i forgot to talk about shadow weaver until i neared the end so lets chalk it up to mystery! I didnt really forget her in my planning chart yeah…part 3 ill go into catra’s backstory and more about the ACTUAL princess protection program movie bc i know im taking forever to get to that

If u have any ideas lemme know bc im all ears!

Did anyone catch my Moonlight Reference last post? Anyone??

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falconsandfishes · 6 years

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platonic relationship

i have a bone to pick with plato. see the socratic method is basically the scene in montynpython in which a woman is weighed against a peice of wood to determine if she is a witch. and this is pretty much also the measurement system women use for me judge a cardio junkie by his ability to withstand smoke fumes. ive been up all night listening to eminem because i wish that i had the mysogny that he had because logically i should be mad at these females who lie to me but apparently developmentally theyre limited.

so pretty much i just want my neck not to hurt and my side and platonic love isn really the kind which could support my lumbar spine but if you think im angry you are right and maybe if i rhyme my brain will work this time and ill finally be able to explain was never targeted at my objects of affections at all i like to walk around the mall see a cutie with a skirt on and she sees me looking at her tells her grandmother to leave her there because this place looks fun as she smiles at me there comes abu my friend who judges me and judges you and as i stare at her i can tell she wants me too probably more emotionally mature than my mom and a virgin with her skirt on and its workun but i have the confidence of a plastic bag floating in the wind shes cheesing while i hide behind her even though shes 4 11 and im 6 4 and because he was there i didnt pass because i dont cross paths but even thinking about having a girlfriend makes him mad. if shes too young for me i would have figured that out but it doesnt help that no matter how young or how old even the weather lady im told shes not right for me so will you make up your mind please can someone define maturity because apparently there is a reverse correlation between it and age and socrates was no sage im not really impressed that he drank poison similarly i smoke weed which takes me back to age three and birthday parties then i think about how much my life failed but only because everyone always stood in front of me. so snitch on me when i talk to you when youre in front of me at your desk and say your story about butterflies is the best begging middle and end. meawhile i havent even gotten to the first page of my legend of the sword it had a much more compliated plot which was cut off. then tell me i didnt count to tenthousand while you were listening to the teacher say the is spelled t h e and put me in a remedial reading class with a bunch of girls and address us as the girls so we can read books about a mouse who lives with his family in a house but if girls and boys are the same how can you explain i was the only one in that group to be bumped up to the advanced on by 2nd grade. i guess reading the encylopedia of animals wasnt a wase memorized their latin names bufo sativa phylobates. so by third grade i was getting so good at math that they took me out of class and had me testing material meant for 5th graders and it was really lame how can i explain all the flaws in the system to all the other people who were also ruined by it.

finally one girl who was definitely old enough for me waved at me when i looked at her and i got a boner and walked over to the ladies at the tea shop who looked at me with a disgusted look on their faces then some gangster looking dude older than i am replaces me with his hand on her shoulder.

before i was 18 i could beat up my dad and ever since then i knew not many people in my generation had much of a chance against me but i looked so thin they were not understanding. high iq causing depression have anothe smoke session even though you have athsma everyone remember to complain that i prefer to get high off one big hit i stayed in high school till i graduated but i left.

unfortunately with brain damage i could still make straight as which made me think i was ok gpa jumping above 3.68 when i only show up an agerage of 3 days.

practice your sky hook do your pushups get embaressed when an asian princess sees you do them 20 hanlaps perfect form and im not even a jock wow id better stop. next thing the girl i like is sitting on my lap in class telling me she likes me back shes sitting on my desk shes rubbing my face my life isnt gay justnsaynsomehing and youll get laid.

nah ill let some kid with adhd steal her seat and ill help him with math instead because i didnt tell her this but im alread braindead. my soul probably died with my pet lizard or my kitten perhaps it was internet addiction.

what makes you think youll be make it as a porn star? you know im hot. well maybe i just didnt want you to act like a slut. i still remember the blonde who waves at me and smiled my freshman year it was clear that the world was my oyster the only problem was i couldn make my own choices.

i wanted to be an actor but i was so good at acting nobody got it. was so good at debating everyone liked to argue. was so succinct couldnt get the last word. so fast nobody would pass me the ball so dominant in wrestling i had to pretend i couldnt win just to have a friend.

pretty much i feel like the last cro magonon stuck on an island without charlotte saisselin bounce baby bounce three story house you look so cute in a blouse. hey look theres charlottes stalker i think il wave my arms around.

bounce baby is a reference to eigth grade i was watching a 100 meter race and then some black guy said that she never raced again. weed turned her from a goth into a wigger and after that i figured id become one too but it wasnt till 2009 i started to dress like you. what happened was i got some clothes from olympia sports to wear as warmups on the basketball court and to work as a salesman i shaved my head smiled knowing i was dead but still i couldnt even say i wanted to kiss girl without that not being cool enough for my nephew and her bowl broke too

it fell from her car on the pavement and she said that he didnt even get to hit it.

so now im living in my dads room on the floor and finally my back isnt sore i have a well paying job im away from mom i have iron lungs and dad still doesnt approve because now i play too much basketball.

hi im interested in going to california. i meant connecticut but califonia will do since its warm there. sure steve come on out west but read the fine print your 20s are dead.

prove you wrong shame on me. dont prove you wrong brag proudly. stay out west and let your dad die. watch him act like an asshole at home back east one more time. your reward for having surived on the street for years as a middle clas kid

your friend says he thought you were dead. by the way he has this girlfriend in connectiut. oh you were the one who set him up with her? theres a whole website or three centered around her?

better get you to spend your money on heroin and make you seem like a jerk in front of my dad. my excuse is im skitzophrenic.

all because my dad shamed me for growing up even crazier than him. thats why i called up my friend and asked him to date my girlfriend.

there must have been something in those amphetamines which made me keep stopping at her house. i found them up on the shelf years after i tried to spill them out.

it was the first time an adult had ever called me immature. he also said my handwriting was bad and i needed a cure. talking to him i began to get red where even to begin? i have a lot of prblems at home and this isnt fair. see my dad camps in the yard and gets drunk watches us through windows andmy sister punches me in the head. mom pretty much works till shes in bed.

every day she watches the same soap opera and oprah which i record for her on tape. my sisters friends call me gay so i go over and play with the kids from the other neighorhood all day.

one of them listens to a lot of eminem. his favorite song is if you dont like it you can suck my dick. hes in reform school and proud to be off his meds. when i talk about biking down a steep hill and blending into traffic he thinks i meannliterall blend in.

two gay twin brothers end of the road honor roll kids. play baseball and have alcoholic parents. hey ill tell the girl steve likes he likes her then she will never talk to him again. accept his chalenge to a fight and he will bang my head into a tree which is the same thing i did to another kid who tried to jump me but got sperated from his friends.

refuse to dance with the only girl in middle school who has hips. make fun of the girls intelligence who sits next to you in math and has giant tits. refuse to eat candy off the first girls tounge then your science teacher who pushed pills on you flips on the tv its 911

stare at a girl all day and say you dont like her. girls think youre gay if you have a boner. telll me a calculator doesnt mattrer for a test but i do worse without one. make a flag pencil it isnt cool enough for the other kids.

sit with the retarded kids timmy and jimmy. watch nick all night fresh prince and bill cosby.

your sister wont stop torturing you so hold her at knife point. buy knives at school try to resell them and for the first time ever the kids you sold them to ge caught witth knives.

stay in the program with three teachers who gave up on you. one leaves to become a dean suddenly your grades go up. kids are jealous because you dont do homework. girls smile at you knowing that your test scores are high despite that.

throw shotput as far as a high school kid without any exercise or practice. run around the track dozens of times in pants you still arent good enough yet.

go to an alternative program reluctantly in high school its sort of like jail. everyone smells like cigarettes the air is stale. this isnt good for you but we will make you think if you leave you will fail.

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bishiglomper · 3 years

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Who wants to learn about my family drama? Too bad I'm gonna post about it anyway.

So mom got pregnant at 16. Married the guy. He went into the military. I came along 8 years after my sister. It was all fine and good I guess until he came home from a deployment when i was... 12 maybe.

I bring this up because i took a 3 hour roadtrip alone with dad's wife. She spilled all sorts of beans..

So anyway. That was at least his 2nd or 3rd deployment and i guess he sent mom 70k. When he came home, there was no money. No one ever figured out where it went. Figured mom spent it. We have no idea on what. Looking back I can't think of anything she could have spent it on. I dont remember her leaving for secret trips or anything. No new items. No strangers coming around. Its a mystery.

So shit didnt really start take a turn for the worse until we moved to Ohio when I was around 14. Dad had another deployment, but this time he acquired PTSD. I never questioned why, i just figured war was obviously bound to leave you fucked up.

Dad's wife told me differently. I had to twist her arm just to give me vague cryptic keywords. Like "murder" "people who ought not be murdered" and "practically coerced him into being involved" 😳

My poor daddy. No wonder he ended up locked in his room with a swat team surrounding the house.. Until mom donkey-kicked the door in to get to him and take his gun. He witnessed some fucked up shit, even though I'm not quite sure what.

But the real juicy bit is something i didnt even know about until my late 20s. Sissy told me while we were in Ohio, my parents were involved in swinging. Knew no details other than thats where a couple of their friends came from.

The new light she'd on this topic though, was it was mom's idea. I always figured it was dad. But apparently he only did it for mom.

(His now-wife is named Stacy. I love her but i just cant call her stepmom.)

Sje said she researched the topic, and typically swingers are middle-aged couoles who married too young. (So, typical case)

Anyway. I guess mom gradually started breaking rules. Like getting permission from dad first. And she snuck around during his next deployment..

During this time, we jad a daughter of familt friends staying with us. I was only 14 but i knew this woman was trouble. She was the type who could and would totally kick your ass if you pissed her off. Questionable choices. Wild child. All that shit. But she was good to us, so.

Anyway. My niece has brought back stories from her bio-dad's side of the family. One of which being that one time whilst mom and our guest were at a bar, mom tried to get into (bio-dad's family member's pants)

I always thought wow, never knew mom couod/would do that; crazy..

But Stacy filled in some swinger drama from that time and it all fits.

(Took a break from posting to actually discuss and compare notes with my sister)

The only discrepancy is sister is adamant that this WAS dad's idea to swing.

So anyway.

The next bit of drama was my sister having the niece. We all went to Iowa because we spent summers with the aunt and everyone.

At this point we were already planning on the move to Iowa that winter.

So dad, being fed up with my 23yr old sister who was a slob, refused to get a job and support her child.. He's just like "so you can either stay here and I'll send your shit or you can come back for your shit and gtfo"

He sent her stuff. But because she had a child that half belonged to someone else and essentially moved several states away, he sued. Thankfully dad helped with the lawyer and while not perfect, my sister got the best possible deal for the situation.

But all through this, dad absolutely loved his granddaughter. And it was an asshole move, but dad only agreed to support my sister and let her stay with us if he got to name her daughter. He picked Dominatrice. (Doh-min-ah-treece) Because you can get Trixie out of it. We were all like Wtf but ok.

So the last biggest drama was the events that led to dad ghosting my niece.

So one thing that happened was dad wanted to take little niecey out to lunch. She was 5ish. Sister couldnt get work off though, but hes all "its fine, I'll just pick her up and drop her back off"

But sissy was able to leave and met them. But as soon as she did he's like "you know what, im actually gonna go ahead and take off"

Which created a slurry of suspicious thought like "wtf is going on, did i foil plans to whisk my daughter back with them?"

When sissy told me this, I figured it was either just a weird mix of coincidence that set off alarm bells or weird timing. Or both. I'm 100% confident dad didnt plan anything. What was he going to do with her? Its not like he'd be able to kidnap her and go off grid never to be found again. Also was he going to just raise her? None of that makes sense.

Anyway. The big blowout didnt happen until dad was on his way back to virginia and the niece was due to be picked up from ohio. He offered to pick her up along the way and we were supposed to go up after them and spend vacatipn with them.

Sister told him no, he couldn't do that. He asked why. She tried to avoid answering him, but eventually told him that it was in the court order that he not be left alone with the child. Probably because he CAUSED the whole custody fiasco.

But this was the first he'd heard of it. So he was understandably upset. And then he tried hounding her for answers, for proof. Send him the document stating this. It escalated until he would jusy be yelling and svreaming over the phone and make sissy cry until mom had to shut down the phone calls.

I asked my sister why she didn't just show him the proof. Like, thats all he wanted.

She said it was not her job to prove it to him. It was public record, he could do it him damn self.

Stacy told me he tried, but couldn't get it because niece was a minor.

When I told Sissy this, she gave me the SNOTTIEST facial expression which i think meant "well, shit." Mixed with a mocking sort of "he's still a whiny-piss-baby"

So yeah. We're only visiting because after like 9 years dad reached out after forcibly pushing all this anger and feels down in effort to reconcile. Sissy is attempting to but at the same time feels he's too toxic to bother with and doesnt want him near her kids.

All because after this went down, he then ghosted the niece. He used to call her and send her gifts all the time. Her little heart was absolutely broken when he started ignoring her. Stacy told hom not to do that, so the general consensus was that it was indeed a dick move.

His reasoning though was "my daughter thinks i want to kidnap my grandchild, how can i reach out and have a relationship with her without incriminating myself?"

So yeah. Stacy and I are very alike in the fact that we both are able to see both sides of an argument. I'm glad i got to see the other side because apparently dad told her (about the dicorce and everything) "they'll figure out what happened and realize its not all my fault"

Like, uh. No? How were we supposed to reach that conclusion? And i dont know about my sister, but i was a self-absorbed naive teenager, I wasnt aware of jack shit. 😂

And that is the story of the day. :D

In other news, I wrote this while dad finally got his gallbladder surgery and we worried he'd either bleed out or have a heart complication and die. Aaaand he was out in like an hour and a half. So far he's good. Now we can visit the aquarium without stewing in anxiety. Hooray!

#long post #family drama #sordy i cant put it under a cut #i feel slightly better now #still not sure where my sister stands...#i hope tensions dissipate #i want to come visit again dammit i fucking love visiting them

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aspiringglowworm · 6 years

Text

July 20, 2018

2:40am

Cant sleep. Dont want to sleep. Have to be ready to head to my 2nd job location bright and early. Lauren is going to come pick me up so that we can go together. Ive gotta get my stuff packed to take back to my normal location, but we also are going to talk to Donna a bit about transferring. There are some details that need to be worked out, but lets be real. At this point, Ill just kinda take what I can get to get out of Rick’s store. We’ll talk to Donna to see what she can do for us and then Lauren will contact Chad later in the day. Lauren and I will probably have time for lunch before work, so Im hoping we can go somewhere, have lunch, and talk and vent. This is all such bullshit. I didnt even get to enjoy my first days off that I had in almost 2 weeks. I was sick as fuck on Tuesday, which was suppose to be my last day at the 2nd location. No phone service, so all i could do was pm everyone i had facebook info for. never got through to anyone and just have to hope donna and shane arent upset with me. still sick on wednesday, my first scheduled day off since the 5th. thursday rolls around and i get pms saying rick and kristina want me to call them. they are mad i no showed on wednesday???? they are the ones who TOLD me to take wednesday off so id have two days off in a row, which i normally dont have or want. got to spend all thursday in bed, panic attacks one after another. i dont want to go back. ive been at home 3 days and spent maybe a total of 30 minutes with my son because ive been so fucking stressed that ive isolated myself in the guest room on the other side of the house of my entire family.

i feel like im falling apart. i worked for so long to get onto the career path that im on. i miss when i enjoyed my job and my work. had pride in my work. i dont anymore. i dont enjoy the building, my coworkers, my clients, or the dogs. i dont enjoy my dogs at home, but they are mostly richards so im stuck with them. Im looking into rehoming my cats. Im thinking about getting out of reptiles almost entirely, except a few special ones, that at this point are primarily the ones my sister likes. i have no connection to them at all anymore. i have beautiful babies in the incubator right now that i have zero interest in. both of my hatched clutches gave me the exact baby i was looking for and im thinking about selling them. i have eggs due to hatch in 4 days and i couldnt give less of a shit if i tried.

i know what my shrink will ask if i go to her. what am i doing for fun? ill have to lie. i will tell her im drawing. i havent in over a year. i will tell her im going birdwatching. 2 years since the last time i pulled my binoculars out of their bag.

she’ll tell me im looking good. that ive lost weight. i will beam and tell her im working on it. i wont tell her that im only drinking a small protein drink in the morning and nothing else the entire day. i wont tell her im having to force that drink down cause my body wants nothing to do with it. i wont tell her i dont remember the last time i was hungry or enjoyed the taste of food.

i dont remember the last time i felt this empty or this ready to give up everything i have. maybe i could just start over. new job in a new town. just my little boy and me. we could get a little 1 bedroom apartment for now. he wont need his own room for quite some time. just the 2 of us. no pets. no other responsibilities. just my little boy and me.

3:08am now. Maybe I’ll try to at least rest my weary eyes and my aching body for the next 3 hours before my day begins.

#dear diary #depression #bipolar disorder #anorexia #eating disorder #weight loss #insomnia

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blackvail22 · 3 years

Text

13 february 2021

5:08am - tomorrow’s valentine’s day. what a shame, i guess.

it’s always been one of my favorite holidays. i remember the feeling i had on valentines day last year, though. i was... i was honestly really sad, but i didn’t mind it. it was the first (and last) year me and jenna stopped trying to hide our relationship so much. i wanted to get something for her, but i never did. wait, no... i did. i made her something. i dont know. i did get a really good photo of myself out of that day though lmao

valentines day is a day of love, and love is the only thing i’ve wanted but never have gotten, so. i mean. it’s a yearly reminder of that.

4:07pm - luxury items don’t excuse emotional torment

3:16am (14/02/21) - i played with one of the most entertaining guys ive ever met today. i met him through a friend, and he’s a few years younger than me (by school grades, i dont know his age). both his friend (zion) and him (jay jay) are younger than me. im wording this very confusing so i’ll just stop now, lol. im going to go to sleep now :P

oh, they’re guys, and theyre internet friends. jay jay is the one that came up with the “prank” a few weeks ago. while playing with them, though, zion has a mic, and every time i played really well or i was playing in a lobby full of everyone’s friends, he would talk abt how they just all got killed by a girl. yeah, i get it, i guess, and he did say that it didnt really matter afterward but... ehh... this is just the first encounter ive had with someone that knows im a girl and thinks i play well and hasnt said that i was faking my identity, harassed me, belittled my talent after i played well against them, and/or asked me for nudes soo... im glad it went well. and zion was really funny, and his voice reminded me of someone i haven’t seen in awhile, so it was nice. hopefully i play with that group more often. i have to be weary playing with them during the day because my mom is awake and home, and she reacts negatively when i talk to others online because of me talking to you and multiple others when i was 9&10. now, look, i get the others. one of them pressured me into something i didnt want to, and the other tried to make me do the same thing. on the other hand, you arent bad. i wish she could see that for herself. wooooow, it is true people open up when theyre tired. lmaooo, okay, i think im *actually* gonna sleep now.

4:12am (14/02/21) - i still want to talk to someone but i dont know what to talk about :(

i miss having the company of someone. just a simple video call while we’re both doing what we want to would be fine. or even having a long conversation over the phone. i remember the ones i had with jenna. i liked them. i liked the ones we had when it was late at night, and i was at her house. i wish i could talk to her more. maybe when i can go back to in-person school i will, as much as i dread it. i’ll have to at some point because my mom refuses to homeschool me. she knows why i hate school so much (ive been bullied since my 2nd year in school) but she doesnt want my social skills to disappear. they’re already gone. i have social anxiety. plus, i’ll (probably) get a job soon anyway. im thinking about working at the same place as emily and possibly the same hours (if possible) so i have someone familiar. i dont think id make it if i didnt have someone familiar near me. maaaaan, i miss emily so much, but my mom hates her. whenever she sees her, all she can think about is emily’s sex life and calling her rude names and its just... its not her place nor her business. it’s also just rude. i used to talk poorly about emily, though, which i regret. i apologized to her for it multiple times, and i still feel sorry. i want to keep apologizing, but i think she knows that i’m sorry. i wish i could take back the things i said about her. two of my friends were at conflict (one being emily) and i didnt know what to do. i also blamed her for a lot of things that were my fault to begin with. i think there was a point where i lost myself in her. i can see that happening a little with b, but it’s not as bad. with emily, i couldnt find my own identity if it didnt involve some part of her. i still have no clue who i am because i am constantly changing, but...

im oversharing

wtf

im gonna stop

how long have i been ranting?

ehh 14 minutes isn’t bad. i need to stop talking for now. it’s 4:30am. sleeeeeeppppp

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storyofmyownlife · 4 years

Text

Some parts but not the others

My friend is staying with us for three days. Today is her 2nd night at the house. I have not since her for quite a while. Truth be told, I don't even remember the exact date. All I know is that I miss her so much and even more so when she leaves. Before I forget, the reason why shes staying with us is because her boyfriend is going into a very delicate surgery. He's got a chest problem that causes his heart to expand. I don't really understand all the scientific stuff behind it, but all I know is I want to be there for her as a friend.

Last night, she got to our house around 9:00 pm. She was a little late because her boyfriend's friend was late,therefore had to wait for him. She got to our house and knocked. My mom let's her in and I introduced her to my family once again. Alicia and I went out for dinner. We sat in car for a bit trying to decide where we should go. I kept asking her what she was feeling and what she wants to eat. I wanted to give her option because she lives in a small town and they really don't have the variety of food option available them. I've finally decided to go to Potato Petite for dinner.

On our way, we were talking about our old roommates. I updated her about Catherine's life and what's shes been up to. I told her that our friend dropped out of the program and decided to take two additional courses to boost her marks, in order to get into physiotherapy masters program. However, she later realized that it was not for her. She actually texted me before and asking if I have any advice for her. I mean I'm basically her life guru. Nothing new but I'm glad that she values my opinion.

I told Alicia that Grace might be in town this week. I've message during new years to greet her. To be honest, I'm just grateful that she came into my life when I needed her the most. I did not want to lose the connection completely. Regardless, Alcia then asked me if I have spoken to Nicole recently. I said no because honestly the only person she likely to reach out would be either sume or Grace and I don't think she likes me very much now any ways. Speaking of Sume, I told alicia that I have spoken to her but did not make any plans because the last time I did she was too busy to hang out with me.

When we got to the restaurant, we sat and one of the boots and started to look at menu. Alicia was very pleased with all the desserts available at the restaurant. I know she really likes sweets that's why I picked that place. She order the same thing that I did but she got a substitute sauce because the one that I have is spicy and she doesn't do well with spices. While we were eating, we just chatted about we've been up to since the last time we saw each other. She didnt really ask me a lot of questions. I think because either she feels awkward because we hadn't seen each other for a while or maybe she did not want to fry or something. Last time I spoke to her I wasn't in a good mind set. I was more anxious and sad about the passage of time and the inevitable transition to adulthood.

I asked her about her relationship with her currently boyfriend and whether if she has decided to finally move to where he lives. She said shes looking to move in the 3 months once she finds a job at her field. She also mentioned that they talked about marriage and shes thinking that he might proposed to her this year and might get married before the year ends. They are compatible with each other. He's more out going and shes more reserve. He encourages her to be more out there and she helps him deal with his Adhd stuff. I know her relationship is only approaching a year. But, I didnt think it's a bad thing if they were to get married soon. I know that he loves her and she loves him. Nothing mattered at that point because she I am genuinely happy for her.

We talked about our jobs and share experiences. We work in the same industry but different role. She works for a community care health agency like myself so we had a lot of topics to talk about.

At some point in the conversation, I mentioned about what happened to my brother. I was mostly venting. I cant stand how he talks about girls and relationship in general so I was kind of venting a bit. He recently broke up with his girlfriend and was being optimistic about it. He said he would be single for a while but then days later he started going out with girls again. My brother is too much.

Before we left? We ordered dessert. She ordered mustard pudding and I ordered nutella crepe cake with vanilla ice cream and strawberries. After that we left to go back home.

I didnt really spend a whole a lot of time talking to her once we get to the house. We basically registered herr car to park in visitors area and we said our good nights. She and I had to wake up early the following day. Her boyfriend got a 9oclock appointment and I got work.

Today, my time at work was fun but not a lot of things to do. We were just talking about life stuff, food, movies, etc. I'm gonna miss Grayson when he lives. He's a nice guy despite some of the attitude he gives me. Deep down I like working with him.

Anyways, before work Alicia drove me and dropped me off work. Again, we had a discussion about healthcare and diseases that older clients might experience such as dementia, alzheimers etc.. I asked her to basically differentiate them for me because shes got more knowledge about them than I do. She dropped me off and we said our goodbyes.

I got home from work and took a minute nap. When I woke up, she arrived home. Perfect timing actually. I recieved a text from her telling me that she has arrived. I went upstairs to ask how her day went.

Her boyfriend finally decided that he'll do his recovery at Athens where she lives. I'm happy for her because she'll get to spend sometime with him and that he'll be with her for her birthday. She said that the earlier appointments finished at 1:30 or something. Once they were done, they drove to port credit and see parks. They also went to lake shore to walk around. Some how they ended up at union station. She got frustrated driving around downtown because of app the crazy bullshit that you have deal with when you're there. He said that he wouldn't mind living in toronto if the rent wasn't so expensive and that there were no topics. She wanted to tell him that he would not say that if he was the one driving them around the city. Regardless, it took her two hours to get home because of they got stuck downtown during rush hours.

Tomorrow, she has to wake up early morning to get ready for his surgery and accompany him to the hospital. She was describing his diagnosis and the procedure and I couldnt help but not to feel scared for her and her boyfriend. I do hope things go well tomorrow and the next couple of weeks. We spent a great deal talking about the industry, psw work, and working with clients in general. I realize it was getting late so I told her that she should probably shower and get ready for bed. She has to wake up at 4:30 am tomorrow. I told her that I know that he's going to be fine and that he'll recover weekly. I also told her he's probably not going to be available for the rest of the day so she can com back to the house when she she feels tired. I gave her my spare key.

I'm just writing all of these now because I want to remember. I know it's just the beginning of the decade but things are definitely going to change. This might be the last time I might get to spend sometime with her. I always will treasure the time we spent but I know that there are people in our lives that are meant to be there for one part but not the other. If it was up to me, I would want to keep her in my life but I know distance and time can take it all away. I think tomorrow I'm going to ask her to go out for dinner and spend sometime with her. Then, Wednesday I'll tell her that I appreciate her, that I love her, and I know it's not a goodbye but if it was I just want to make sure that she knows how I feel and how thankful I am that she came into my life.

Jan 6, 2020

11:05 pm

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nobody-needs-to-know-that-blog · 7 years

Text

She was the youngest of the family

here is the other story. The story of 4 and a half years. 4 and a half years that i thought i was with the man i was supposed to spend forever with. I was just out of a relationship and a new drama season was starting and so we would be together almost everyday for about 4 months. Maybe a little less. I ended up asking him out via facebook because i was too chicken to do it in person. (i have learned now but not much)

i asked if he would date a freshman he said he would depending on who. i was being stupid and asking for myself but i was like one of the people who was at set construction. For some reason instead of waiting a week i just asked before he went to FFA states. He said yes... We werent really dating at that point... it wouldnt be for another year and a half before anything really happened between us. We were dating. He would always say these really cute things to me that would make me smile... Now they just make me cringe every time i see them or read them.. maybe even glance over them. (there is a reason i have a new device... so i dont have to go through my fucking screenshots on my ipod...) there are so many... oh so many... even on my phone i had so many conversations saved and for some reason i couldnt bear to look at them.

When a break up happens you like to think that you would look back and remember the good times.. But you wont. Even if you have a million and two pictures of the “good” times it wont be good... who knows... maybe you do think of the good times.

so that is just freshman year of highschool... We kissed about 13 days after we first started dating. he told me that i had soft lips... im not sure how he could tell or why.. The story of our first kiss is funny... I was sitting on the back of my directors tailgate and he was messing with it and one of our friends was like dont kiss in front of me and like ran off... and then he kissed me... (in retrospect i think my eyes were open..)

then shortly after that i had my first meltdown... i was on stage for our spring show, literally lying on the couch debating if i really wanted to be with this kid... i didnt... but i didnt think that anybody else would want me..

i stayed with him.

then the summer came and i didnt really see him that much.. i didnt really want to hang out with him because i didnt want to be forced to do couple-y things... i was only 14 when i started dating this kid... i thought it would be a good idea... (oh how wrong i was...) He could not make out to save his life... it was gross and disgusting and i just didnt want to do it...

so we didnt make out any more... until the rapture (12/21/12) that was a thing... we ended up making out in his truck before school started.... it was weird... better but weird....

so many things happen and when you look back on them you realize that all the warning signs were there....

the constant meltdowns, the pressure to please... all of that... He was on a high horse and for some unknown reason i wanted to keep him up there. His family still has him up there... he may be a little lower now that im not there because they all loved me and really didnt want us to break up... ( but apparently me “making out” with another human would be fine for me to stay with him because im the definition of a perfect child?? wtf idk)

I was constantly using my parents to not hang out with him. There was a little time frame where i was fine with hanging out with him.. but it wasnt often...

My junior year in highschool went just fine.. no really freak outs, except for the last day of spring play... i was balling my eyes out and i was sick and it was just terrible... I didnt want him to leave and i didnt want to not be at the lock in and yeah it was just a mess.

My senior year was a different story, i was stressed, he was stressed with honors advanced calc 2. I was president of NHS i didnt actually do much... Not like what i do now... The responsibilities of high school to the responsibilities of college are so different..

Senior year was a roller coaster of emotions... I was in my first show in 2 years. It ended up being shown for two weekends instead of one. I went hunting on the day of the last show. This kid ended up shooting two deer. We went to the play it went off with out a hitch ( well minus the lights being fucked up THIS IS AN OUTRAGE... is one of my lines and i was actually hella pissed...) Well driving home after hanging out with him for a little bit, it was snowing... i wasnt used to the snow... I was heading north, i ended up doing a 180 and landing driver side down heading south but on the same side of the road that i was on to begin with... I was panicking... i called the boyf and he helped calm me down and then i ended up calling the parents because there was no way i would be able to get the car out of the ditch. Seeing the damage on the car, its a miracle that nothing worse happened to me. As hard as I hit when it fell, none of the airbags went off which is great, because that would have sucked and i would have had much worse injuries than just a cut on my knuckle... ( i mean i may have some issues with my shoulders but idk)

that was at like 2 or 3 in the morning... i ended up going home and sleeping it off... i didnt go to church though and all of my friends were freaking out about me... it was adorable... I was fine... I mean i was still shaking and i was confused as to why i was shaking but it was fine. I was fine. I joked constantly and i still kinda do... Dude gets two deer and i get a car accident... Parents were looking to get a new car anyways but i just happened to push it forward a little bit... I had team sports the next morning and i was like im fine i can still play... ( no i couldnt i was in so much pain when i was playing lacrosse.... it was bad...) The next day i ended up giving a note to the teacher explaining as to what happened and she was like WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME???? lol it was funny, i thought i would be fine but i was sore, the adrenaline wore the shit out of me...

The rest of the senior year went off with out a hitch ( minus the director saying that she wanted me in another play and then that not happening and me crying.... and yeah it was great... i love working the booth i love being in my home... Its been years since i have been back to the booth...)

Summer after senior year went off with out a hitch, nothing big happened, but then i started school. My freshman year in college was his sophomore... i spent the night in his dorm a couple times and he spent the night in mine a couple. November came around i thought i was ready for the “D” i wasnt... i wouldnt realize that i wasnt ready until January...We had only had sex a couple times by that point... His uncle had died unexpectedly and i came home for the funeral... I am not selfish. I am very selfless... The night before the funeral i thought that giving him what he wanted would help him cope... It may have to this day i still dont know... and i would rather not know.. what i do know is that i was trying my fucking hardest not to fucking cry. Now a little backstory, sex has always hurt for me... im just now learning that it shouldnt hurt no matter what... that it only hurts if you werent properly turned on...

That was January, we would hang out a couple more times before may but not much... I was busy with rushing the sorority and being active on campus... Then comes may.

I finally got a job!! so did he. We were both super busy and making money... which was good. however that means that we had less time for each other in the upcoming months...

Now rolls around august. His annual family reunion, i always loved going to it and this was the 2nd or 3rd time going to it. I had warned him before that nothing was going to happen... he thought that i had just meant that we werent going to have sex... nope i had meant that absolutely nothing was going to happen between us. He was super frustrated with that and not happy with me in the least bit

That was August. September rolls around, My first active semester of the sorority. First semester where boys are not allowed to spend the night in the dorm room ( not that that had stopped two of us but that comes much much later). I spent the night in the “tuba” house a couple times.. not often but a couple. September was super busy for me and he didnt like that i had a life outside of him. I wasnt dedicating all my time to pleasing him. I was learning to be myself... I just ended up hurting two people in that process.... And the rest is in the other story...

Who lives, who dies, who tells your story?

#stories #sleep #boyfriend #exboyfriend #fuckmylife #it took me so long #3hrs #4 and a half years #everything sucks

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11toe11-blog · 4 years

Text

Golden eggs and things like that

Aum.

I enter gently to understand and illuminate. Guide me past temptations of power and greed into insight and wisdom.

___

The right shoulder feels heavy. So does the heart. The throat clenches a bit. The back of the neck is tight. I notice the breath and it deepens. Some previous walls seem less perceivable.

It feels like a time when some portals are active and lifetimes of memories are colliding for resolution.

Its impossible. No . it is only possible for us to continue on this if we are connected to our simplest, most essential..essence… Because thats what connects us. The narratives that run through us place us far far apart as the other.

L. Is that what triggered this? Or is something else?

It was my sisters birthday the day before. And the possibility of R having fallen sick and my not being able to tell anyone or ask for any support. And the whole family had gotten together, i felt no shared joy.

This combination of isolations are triggering memories. And in anticipating pain, i am acting out. Inviting it in. I can see that.

There are many things unresolved in my relationship with my sister. It is obvious. Cant deny it. Envy. Guilt. All of that. Unsure of how to relate. Disagreement. Power struggles.

Pain surfaces. No way out other than through it.

Memories of being bullied, of being the weird one, the feeling of being rejected after the birth of my sister. Maybe i harbored that somewhere, which is why i ended up treating her the way i did, even though i loved and continue to love her immensely.

Because i dont think i was competitive at all, not striving to be first in class or anything, till my sister was born. In my lower KG i was naturally bright. Shifting schools 1st and 2nd, i dont particularly remember much. I wasnt compared to anyone by mom. Dad was the comparer. Maybe he was compared.

I suppose 1st 2nd is when i began to experience social pressure. And with G, is probably when it got competitive. A fight for attention, is a fight for affection, which got worse, as the family’s financial and mental health plummeted. Physical abuse, sexual abuse..i notice that in this narrative I have used the word abuse..i am usually looking at it as an early sexual encounter. But which ever is the voice that is writing today feels like it was impacted by the incidents.. Everything coincided with the birth of my sister, now when i think back.

Shame and guilt hangs heavily on my shoulders. Like a cloak. I can feel it brushing against my arms.

It feels like there is nothing i can do but notice it. Very helpless. I dont want to be helpless. I straighten up and remind myself that - i dont have to make it go away. I have to notice it. When i want it to go away is when i become helpless. If my role is to observe it - i am doing it quite well, quite perfectly. *

I am reminded of K speaking about shame. I empathize in this moment.

When we feel we that we are not supposed to be feeling it, that i should have let it gone - its another round of failure to deal with. “ oh! I cant even let it go.” Another disappointment - like i had one job and i couldnt even do that.

But what if my job was not to let it go. And be all empowered?

What if my job was only to observe - understand this shame. Feel it, give it space and observe it? Not to change it. Polish it. Dress it up to look smart and suave. Cook it. Make it tasty. None of that. Just notice it, for as long as it is there.

Well that sounds like something ican do. Simply. Not easily maybe, but simply.

Not simply, maybe. But easily.

Much less scope for disappointment. And something i feel i ccan do, and i am doing quite decently.

Sudden spike in self worth

The sky is bright blue today.

I had noticed yesterday in the body scans, that when they ask me to feel line of the spine, and i cant or its dull in space. I force myself to imagine a line. Than notice what is already there. I force the imagination, somewhat guilty...not somewhat - just plain guilty that i am not feeling what i am supposed to be be feeling. That i should be doing work, i am being lazy thats why i am not perceiving it, all of that. Which may have part truths. But are Catch 22s. I cant notice the line ever unless i start with noticing what is already there. I cant notice what is already there because i feel i cant perceive the line i am supposed to be seeing. Supposed to! As opposed to what is. Can i notice what is already in my frame of vision as opposed to all that i al supposed to include. Please! Kindly!

Can i notice what is already in my frame of vision and deeply enough, that at somepoint, on its own, the rest of it will emerge.

I guess this is my biggest point of contention with L’s tone and kind of politics that is her work. Very “supposed to”. And hence all the more divisive. Not something one wants, particularly now. The invitation to deepen and acknowledge ones seeing, is welcome. To berate for what one doesn't see, is very 3rd grade damaging elementary school teacher in repeat.

Hence probably my general feeling towards her work. And somewhere definitely understanding that she is in her own process and will continue to grow and evolve and all that. But the screeches are not what i need right now.

Maybe they are.

And thats why they have shown up in my orbit. To engage with. I dont have to change the way i feel. So much pressure. Just knowing and noticing that this is how i feel is good enough.

To articulate it out aloud is the next step. Thats turning actor from observer. More like being actor and observer simultaneous. Thats the leap. Will happen when it has to.

No pressure to turn saint. No pressure to change a feeling. No pressure to change. Nothing. Just noticing what ever is , is the work. Where is then room for disappointment and low self worth?

A scene played exceptionally well. And a disaster of a scene are both well withing the frames of observation. And both make great viewing material for insight.

I know this. I have known this vantage.

“All the world is a stage”!

Yup.

Envy is my nemesis at this point. And every other thing is fuelling it one way or the other.

Watching Ka give a spellbinder was beautiful, at the same time pointed to personal inadequacies. G at home with Is for birthday underlined all the support she had and i dint. R inviting LP for a session meant he didn't see things the way i did and i had no ally, isolation. The idea of a session with LP translated to the whole giant suitcase of sibling rivalry being projected along side the bundle of political difference, and huge ego dents because i see my position to be far more nuanced, experienced and evolved compared to hers. Because we met once and she never connected back since - strong feeling of rejection- and a reinforcement of sibling rivalry. Trust R to throw a deep one.

All this is just from my vantage.

Who knows how things are looking from hers. Or R’s. Or G’s. Or V’s.

I like the guy. For the brief moments that we have had an exchange i feel he understands. Like R says, living with the person might be an entirely different ball game. And it is true, the complexity of these things. But the few moments of understanding is all one needs. Just the golden egg. No need to cut open the Goose.

That seems to be where R and I are. We cant seem to understand where the Golden eggs have disappeared. And we are cutting open each other to find out where they are hiding. We were after all promised a steady supply of Golden eggs. Unlike the fabled farmer, we didnt cut open the goose. We just bet on it, hedged it. Like many large scale farmers engage with the money economy today. Sell the produce even before sowing. Heding. Put a chip in, and try and turn every goose there is into a Golden egg laying Goose.

Can we stop cutting and slicing things open, please. Can we just watch the clouds?

Sounds like something a Goose would write.

Who is there to forgive me? Relsolve this? For the mean thoughts, the harsh words, the attempts to manipulate. I forgive myself?

Ho oponopono says i can. And i must.

I am sorry. Please forgive me. Thank you. I love you.

Thank you fro letting me enter. ANd for the insights. I close the door gently behing me to come back another day.

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bmyselfandi-blog · 5 years

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mom

there was a time in my life where the hardest thing i was going through was a high school breakup. i thought the world was ending, that id never experience a worse heartbreak than that one. i got over it and went back to the guy a few times. it was on and off. that was the beginning of my junior year, around september. come april 21st i received the worst news i could have handled at the time. my mom was diagnosed with cancer. now she never really told us, well at least me, she never told me the stage of the cancer. but it was rectal. they tell you not to look up that kind of shit because it will scare you but me, i dont listen when told not to do something. now, i probably should have, it scared me what i found, but also gave me hope. it said curable. they said long life span. so, in my mind it was all going to be okay. my dad took it very hard. i poften found him crying alone, and i cried too. we all did. my mom was the type of person to help anyone in need, she was amazing, loving, wonderful, generous, warm, any fucking word to describe an angel, that was fucking her. still is. anyways fast forward about a year, end of my senior year. i start dating this new guy, hes amazing, he gave me the world. i couldnt have asked for a better man. stuck by my side through some fucked up shit that was my fault. we had our fights, like every couple. he did some things that i didnt like but i pushed past it because i loved him. thats what couples do right? well, not even a year later i spent less time with my family, more time with him and his. i regret that every day of my life. ill never forget the first day of my new job my dad made me cry because he told me my mom thought id rather spend time with my boyfriends mom than her. i balled my eyes out on my way to work. i never wanted to hurt my moms feelings like that. she couldnt do much, she was weak and it was getting harder for her to do everyday things. that was november. come march 25. it was a saturday. my mom was sitting in her spot on the couch and my dad was downstairs on the computer. i dont remember my sister being home. my mom asked me to look at her eyes and tell me what color the whites were, they were yellow. that meant jaundice. i told my dad, we told her she needed to go to the hospital. she said she didnt feel well and didnt want to go that day and if she wasnt feeling any better shed go the next day. i didnt think too much about it, this wouldnt be the first hospital trip that month or let alone that year. sunday; i went to my boyfriends to hangout and have dinner. after dinner my dad told and said they were going to the hospital. we then drove up to meet them. they took my mom in the back, i went back with her as did everyone else. the crazy thing is, is i dont remember all too much. i remember being back h=there, them asking her certain questions that made me sad, like if she was sad, depressed, thinking about dying. i brought her up some things when we went, i had this pair of ankle fuzzy sicks that i gave to her, she asked me to put them on her feet, i remember there being a hole in the big toe, she thought it was funny. it got later, they ended up admitting her but were trying to find a room. my dad had to work the next morning and i hadnt started my new job so i told him i would stay with her that night so she wasnt alone. they had a room in the pediatric ward so they sent us up. there were two cribs, a bed and a couple chairs in the room. i slept in the chair that turned into a bed. the nurses were very nice. we got some rest after being moved up there. it was very late, almost 4am. the next morning my uncle was up there and my dad came soon after as well. days went by, i started my new job, id go up as soon as i got off to go and see her. she got worse each day but we didnt think anything of it. turns out the tumor was actually starting to quickly crush her liver. she started not being able to talk well. they eventually put her on a heavy breathing treatment. she stopped talking and responding. my dad asked a timeline and the doctor said he didnt like to put timelines. i thought she would get better. they had my dad sign a DNR, we werent going to make her suffer if she didnt have to. it was selfish of us to want her to stay with how much pain i knew she was in. we had family up there always. april 4th. it was a wednesday. by now they had put my mom into hospice care, we had the option of bringing her home but we didnt want to make her uncomfortable by moving her. they gave us the whole room we were in. 315 bed B. we had people come and talk to us about urns and getting things like that. a hospice worker told us that their phone line was always available to talk on, whether it was a week later or a year later. i didnt have workbthat day. i went up to the hospital early. my moms cousin Colleen was there. my boyfriend came up as well. my dad my sister and her cousin kim came up as well. we hung out all day. i told colleen i probably wouldnt end up going to this festival i had in may because i wanted to be there everyday for my mom. colleen said that was almost 2 months away and that my mom may not be here by then. i didnt want to think about that. my mom would always be here right? that night me and my boyfriend ordered chinese. we were going to pick it up but they had delivery. we were also supposed to go to the store but we decided not to for some reason i dont remember. we ate our nasty chinese food. i got shrimp and lobster sauce, my moms favorite. we were all sitting aruond talking. my dad had ran home to let the dogs out since no one had been home in a while. anytime he would leave the room for anything longer than a half hour he would hug my mom and tell her to wait for him. he left. he got to the house. he let the dogs house. we were sitting there when my boyfriend looked over at my mom. her eyes were open. they hadnt been open in days. we instantly went over to her. her cousin got the nurse. me and my sister held her hand. i called my dad crying. all i could muster out was the word “hurry” and the pain in his voice when he said “okay” was enough to break anyones heart. the nurses knew. we all knew. i held my moms hand crying. my boyfriend rubbed my back. i told her i loved her. my sister told her she loved her. kim consoled her. we knew her fight was over. kim closed my moms eyes and like that she was gone. it was 10:15. we had to wait for a doctor to pronounce time of death. time of death was 10:25. my dad got there, tears in his eyes. we called family to tell them. his best friend was up in a heartbeat. his brother came up. i called my best friends. sarah and her boyfriend were up within minutes. my boyfriend held me. everyone cried. my dad hugged me and my sister so tight. the nurses were wonderful and sweet. it was probably 3 something in the morning when we left. i said my final goodbyes and told her i loved her. how could i just leave my mom in this room all alone? i couldnt handle it. i drove home with my boyfriend and let my dad drive alone. i dont know why i did that. i should have went with him. we got home and i couldnt tell you anything after that. i dont remember much about the days that followed. i know the next day we had to make phone calls to change things into our names and take my moms off. we received lots of “im so sorry for you loss”’s. it got sickening. we got flowers, cards, food. my boyfriends family was so helpful. i took that friday off of work and went back monday. got a lot of sorrys there too. her memorial was friday the 13th. i worked that morning. i shouldnt have but i had to go on like normal. how do you just go on like normal? how do you just up and live without your best friend, your fucking mother? she was supposed to be there through everything. she was supposed to live a long happy life with my dad. she was supposed to watch me get married and watch my have her grandchildren. she was supposed to be free of cancer and get better and live happy and healthy. she wasnt supposed to die. she should still fucking be here today. but shes not. months later, not even a year. my boyfriend and i broke up. just shy of a year since her passing, march 2nd. my friend and i had a run in with my ex. she flipped him off while we were driving. he followed us to the gas station and cussed us out. later that night he posted a story on his snapchat. black screen with the words “ your mother would be ashamed of you” written on it. directed towards me. how dare he say that shit. how could the same man that held me while i held my dying mothers hand say some dumb fucking shit like that to me? i dont quite get how he could ever in a million years say that shit. she was liuke amother to him. he was there through everything we dealt with, all the grieving, the sadness and depression in my house. but what bothers me is how a few months later we were getting back together. and how i could forgive him for saying that. i never did forgive him and i dont think i ever will. he said he posted it to hurt me because he was hurt. but how could he stoop that low. later on he brought her up again when he wanted me to stop smoking. “ how would mom feel” i tried kicking him out, ive never yelled at him before until that night, i got in his face and screamed not to talk about my dead mom. he didnt again. we stopped talking about a month later and havent talked since. he never understood what i was going through. what i am going through. i cry a lot. i miss my mom everyday. i think about her every hour of the day. my dad texts her almost every day. he posts on her facebook sometimes. i text her sometimes. i call too to see if someone new has her number. its still disconnected. i dont want someone new to have her number. thats her fucking number. no one elses. i still dont feel like this is all real and here its been a year and a half. christmas is coming up. her birthday is christmas eve. it was her favorite time of the year. we held the party at our house very year for anyone who wanted to come. it was always a full house. everyone loved my mom, she was an amazing person. a family friends words describing my mother to someone were “she had to adjust her halo when walking into a room” and thats always been true. even now, im sure she visits often. i wish so bad that she could be here, that she could see how everything is going. i miss her so fucking much and i just want my fucking mom back. i know everything in life would be okay if she was here. i know it would solve every problem me and my family have if she was just fucking here. she should be here. she should fucking be here right now.

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aleclightw0od · 5 years

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@s-is-for-stiles tagged me to answer the question "what i wanted to be when i grew up" and lol you're getting a full run down of this bullshit. sorry

so basically i never wanted to really be anything. i remember as a 4 or 5 year old telling my grabdma that i wanted to be a ballerina but then she told me ballerinas make 1 single penny an hour so i very quickly decided that wasnt for me. The next thing i remember wanting to be was the very generic 4th grade female answer of "teacher" which i did not want to be at all it's just what everyone else said. at the end of 8th grade we were called into the high school guidance counselor's office individually so that we could begin to make our schedules for our first year of high school. she asked me what i wanted to be when i got older and i didnt have an answer. or at least not an answer she deemed good enough. i responded with "a mom?" because that's what i wanted. I wanted to be a mom and i wanted to stay home with my kids and i wanted the whole dumb thing. she laughed at my answer and told me that it was unrealistic and that i needed to have a real goal, a real answer. so i told her i wanted to be a counselor which was a big fuckin lie. high school had me thinking teaching 10th grade english sounded fun but it wasnt really a passion or anything. i just enjoyed the readings we had to do that year and thought teaching them would be fun. i applied to one single college my senior year and i got in and i began taking college classes the next year to become an english teacher. by the next year i was wanting to change my major to history. the idea of working in a basement of a museum with no people around sounded so so good. finals week my 2nd year of college my family found out my 16 year old sister was pregnant and so over that summer i thought that taking a semester off of school could be really helpful. both my parents worked full time, my sister was still in high school, and child care is fucking expensive. so i stayed home and once my nephew was born it was my job to keep him alive and one semester turned into 2 for family emergency reasons and that 1 year turned into 2 years and 2 years turned into my sister getting pregnant again a year after high school and now i had two babies to take care of. my sister moved out ay one point with my niece albut my nephew stayed and my dad was sick in the hospital so it was just me and the little dude. eventually my sister moved back home with my niece and her boyfriend. this meant so so many people in out small house and i was still the person always available to take care of the kids. i didnt get paid and it was hard and i loved it so so much. that was the majority of my 20s. me at home with kids.(i guess i ended up being a stay at home mom in some ways anyway so in your face school counselor, blow me.) my dad ended up passing away at the end of 2014 and 9 months later my sister moved out with the kids and i was alone in the house. and things got really really bad for me mentally and physically. (physically in the sense that i would go days and day without moving from the couch. i lost a lot of muscle tone and couldnt barely walk 5 minutes without needing to take a break) i was not in a good place and thank god i had kami and then nicole (honestly nicole nudged me in so many directions i needed to be nudged in and i cant ever thank her enough). last year i finally went to a doctor and got medicated and this past april i spontaneously appiled to a culinary school (legit i asked for info and the next day i was enrolled) and so that's what im doing atm. i take online classes and bake and it's good. i dont know if this is what i want forever or even like in a few years but at least it's something. at least i've moved forward a little. still cant fucking drive tho so

#personal #long post #posting this at 2am hoping no one will see it #it felt good to write it all out #im 30 btw #i didnt say #so in case anyone else feels like they havent done anything #same my friends #sometimes it takes a while #sometimes life is hard

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olusegundare · 6 years

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Brother Samson and Sister Debbie’s Story Continues

Sister Debbie says, "maybe you CAN CONVINCE him sire"...(July 26, 2013)

As interesting as d course work is, dure to its applications to d economy of d Island but yet, one shall need 2 study hard 2 grasp d teknikal terms, so dat those terminologies be @ one's finger tips in case of adhoc tests... Several assignments dat shall be typed, binded and submitted too call for master's students possession of laptop (lapy as students call it) and printer these days... I have a laptop bc of d kind of work dat i do in d office, but I do not have a printer, I have been borrowing a friend's but I have come to realize dat there is nothing like what one has, a personal possession and I have contacted my love of d need to get a new model printer dat can as well photocopy documents...

My love wanted to send money to me so dat I get a new one where I am, bc d university environment is situated in a place dat is more populous and big than our Island...I howeva contered his suggestion based on d fact dat

..fact dat I may not know d original and it is beta one buys sth that is authentic, original, even if costlier than buying fake. The worrisome situation is our land is dat some of those marketers/retailers will tell u dat sth is original n collect d exact money dat one purchases original 4m some1 but they shall yet give one fake. When one complains and or take d products back 2 dem, dey shall start giving excuses, dey would neither change d product nor refund d money back, bc dey shal say goods once bought and paid for canNOT be returned... I remember a horrible experience dat a course mate had recently, when he bought his lapy, he paid 4 original substance, but when d retailer gave him a sealed carton, he discovered dat it was fake...d battery can not last an hour...and d packages installed on d system are not d latest windows... When he returned it, d man didnt change it 4 him, he took d law enforcement agencies dia, but instead of d matter being resolved it got aggravated...

It became a bottlenecked situation...the situation was time demanding, with my coursemate wasting his precious time @ d agencies offices, when he couldnt withstand d situation any longer due to his academic work, he let go d issue, handing d case ova to God... Yes God fights, God vindicates, God judges, but b4 dat happens, d naive would have suffered, as d adage of our parents say, "ki ilẹ to pa òsìkà, ohun rere pupọ yo ti bajẹ"... So my coursem8 abandoned d pursuit of d case, and had to borrow anoda one 4m one of his friend's, pending the time he raises money 2 get anoda one.,. Since I am ignorant in d field, and we have a brother in our church in d island who is knowledgeable in such products, I tell "mai" lord dat he shd give him money to assist us in getting a good, radiant, durable and original one even if some token shall be added, it is beta dan getting something dat one wont use 4 a mth b4 it packed up...

My love had a contrary opinion, he thinks dat may be d luck of my course m8 n dat I may not be a victim as he was, moreso, according 2 him, some of dose brethren n close pp, dey sometym also misbehave, getting wrong things 4 some1, particularly wen dey see dat u r a believer, dey know one wont do anytin, 1 wont be able 2 harass dem...He said he remembered dat broda Johnny asked anoda broda in d church who was in2 handsets 2 help him get new n latest Iphone brand, but d broda got 4 broda Johnny a substandard product @ d rate dey r selling standard product and he even collected extra-changes, which broda Johnny readily paid...but when broda Johnny started using d Iphone he discovered how substandard d so called standard product was...It really pained him...he confronted d broda, but filmsy excuses were presented to broda Johnny....The written disappointments all over broda Johnny made "mai" lord 2 ask from broda Johnny what d matter was, and he narrated everything to "mai" love n how

...n how disappointed he was in d so called brethren, bc accordin 2 broda Johnny, dis is d 2nd of d so called christian broda that shall disappoint him in getting authentic thing. As he said, he, bro Johnny did not even believe dat dia is any Christian broda @ all again, and wouldnt venture to introduce any Christian member to any outsider lest his reputation be dented, damaged b4 such people. "Mai" lord said, he had to sit broda Johnny down and tell him dat we r in d last days, d perilious times and dat such shd be expected in d christian gatherings. My love said he also shared one out of d many experiences he had with broda Johnny. The experience he shared with broda Johnny was d one dat he said comforted bRoda Johnny...The experience he shared was dis...

"Mai" lord has a friend in 1 of d developed countries, d man was a citizen of dat developed country by birth and afta graduation 4m university, bc he and my love attended d same university 2geda and dey lived in d same room 2geda while in d schl it was den dey started their friendship...Having studied each oda closely...d man knew "mai" lord 2 be a True Christian and noticed dat my love had not changed 4m his once profession as many were even despite all problems...So, "mai" love's friend intimated him dat he wanted 2 have a building in d Island n he shd help him out...Mai love said he connected a christian broda who is an engineer with his friend so dat he helped d man, but dis christian engineer duped d man, did shoddy job 4 him it took God's intervention 4 d man in developed country 2 trust my love again, bc he thought dey connived 2geda 2 dupe him. The structure built by d engineer had 2 be pulled down when d man came home 2 inspect d building n he asked "mai" love to make sure he

...sure he gets local pp, unbelievers if dat shal be d case and be supervising d project himself...dis was afta he was convinced dat "mai" lord had no premonition of all dat d so called christian engineer did 2 him. The house dat local pp built was as if it was removed/plucked 4m developed country n became situated/placed in our Island. This was when my love's friend became happy. With dis shared experience, d man, broda Johnny became happy n my love was able 2 tell him dat dia are real believers but it is only dat dey are extremely few now, thence, he shdnt just conclude like dat..."Mai" love said he told him dat dat is wat is happening in female-male relationships vizaviz proposals 4 courtships or datings which make many brothers and many sisters become afraid of starting relationship with a felowship member despite d fact dat she has known d person for months or years because dey feared d unknown, dey feared dat d person may afterall become and anoda wolf in sheep's clothing..

Thence, d so called sisters many atimes prefer outsiders, those who are not sound in faith to start dating than d so called believer bc according to sister Bum-bum, "if he wants to act funny, I shall also act funny calling him 2 his senses"...But d truth is dat dia r genuine believers out there, "mai" lord concluded with broda Johnny... When "mai" lord inboxed me dis msg because I was yet on campus wen I told him 2 get d thing ready 4 me, so dat wen I come home I shal take it along bc I was already "sick of his love"...despite saying dis he stil wanted me 2 get d thing where I am,...I also had 2 reply him, using his words, dat since he believes dia r genuine believers around, though fewer, then let us give d broda an element of doubt until he proves odawise, 4 afta all, retail prices are close irrespective of cities or villages.

"Mai" lord said "no problems, but that if d man happened to fai, u shal bear d liabilities, financial one of getting a new one or repairing d one he bought as d case may be". I replied dat "I agreed, but dat if he happened 2 get me d correct one, you shall add to my weekly wages..." "Owo l'obinrin mọ", lets wait and see" he said. So, he helped me contact d broda and d broda got me a printer...From my love's message, I assume he is satisfied with d product bc he is saying dat he may assist him 2 get some things, bc he said he wanted 2 computerize his office n coupled with d fact dat he is a "micro" writer, he may want to start storing his write ups and messages on d d system... When he informed me dat he wants him 2 get sth 4 him, I asked him 2 brief me of d devpt, d sudden change in interest in d broda, he refused, saying until I arrive "gan-ni a fi ji" he said in anoda tribe's language. "Ẹyin lẹmọ, ẹ o mã fi enia sinu "suspense" bi ẹnipe "island" ni mo wa pẹlu yin", I replied.

"Ẹ ma binu iya grammar", he said. "Boya ẹ o tillẹ fẹ ki n ka iwe mọ ni" I said. "why?" he replied. "Se ẹ o mọ wipe ti enia ba ti wa ni "suspense" ọKan enia ko ni papọ̀ ni iwaju awọn professors wọnyẹn ni?" I said. "Ẹ ma binu. Se ẹ mọ wipe emi o lọ suku ri, mi o mỌ bi o se nse enia", he replied. "Dont mis-interpret and or mis-quote me o, I did not say u did not go to school oh...am on my knees oh", I said. "Not in anyway annoyed...Just playing now..." he said. "hmn. Heave a sigh of relief. Alright. Back on my couch", i replied. "God bless u", he said. "Amen" I replied. "Do u know what?" He asked "Watz dat dearie love?" I asked. "Ẹyin ti "personality" yin ba ti jẹ "phleg" bayi, nkan ni" he replied "To ò, ẹ n lẹ o baba "personality" ki la se o?" I replied. "You are those Yorubas called "Rutu abọ́kọkú"" he said. "I think Yorubas erred in dat," I said "Why?" he replied. "Because "Rutu ko ba ọkọ ku, Rutu fi ìfẹ́ rẹ si ọkọ rẹ han ni" and is dia a law against dat?" I said.

"Not that I can think of at d moment" he replied. ""Mai" lord sire. I know u r wiser n more grounded in bible than I, but u can neva think of any, either now or in d future", I replied. "Yes madam grammar, I even forgot dat u have an award in bible teaching @ d felowship lately" he said. "Ẹyin na lẹ fun wa", I said. "I want u 2 know dat even Yoruba does not approve flirting. Yoruba wants some1 who shal sustain d geneology of d dead, and dat was what Ruth did, dat was what she exemplified". "Am all ears bible teacher", he said. "Thats what I want 2 chip in on dat "Rutu a bọkọ ku" slogan by our people", I said. "O.K" He said. "So, wat do u say of my personality class?" I asked. "What I am trying 2 say is d Phleg personality individual trusts pp so much and dey demonstrate such trusts to d extent dat if dey r grieved, "Ọlọrun nikan lo le gba ẹniyẹn"", "mai" lord's response. "To ò, e emi ni sẹyin ni bayi tabi ẹyin lẹ sẹ mi?", I asked. "O ò sẹ̀ mi. Mi o sẹ̀ ẹ́. But I am saying ko dara ki enia ma sẹ iru yin" he said

"Either phleg or sanguine or whatever, "ko dara ki a ma sẹ ara wa, a ò si le ma ma sẹ ara wa nigbati a ba ti jìjọ n ni ajọsepọ, nitori ẹniti enia ba n ba ni ajumọjọsepọ na ni enia ma nsẹ..." "Hun-hun", he said "Nitorina bi ẹniti enia ba mba ni ajumọjọsepọ ba sẹ ẹnikeji, nse ni ka ya pari rẹ lẹ́yẹ-o-sọka, ki a si tun bẹrẹ sini gbe ni" harmony", i said. "There is nothing like living in harmony, in unity...he said, "o ti dara o si ti dun to fun awọn ara lati ma jumọ gbé ni irẹpọ", "mai lord said. "Where is dat in d bible gan...isnt it in Orin Dafidi?" "Yep. 133, precisely". He replied. "Living in unity brings progress, it brings joy, it solidifies d more relationship", I said. "And What one thinks one may not be able 2 achieve in decades, with love, unity, one shall achieve it...dat's wat d apostles demonstrated while dey 1st received Holy Ghost, datz wat d book of Psalms 133 is teaching us", he added. "Huh, "mai" pastor sire", i said. "So my advice having understand what u mean when u said "your mind will be there", is dat u shd just take your heart off d printer until u arrive, "sefini"", he replied.

"I will try 2, I need 2 inform u dat during dis time dat I shal be coming home, there are duties outlined 4 me @ d office dat wil make me busy, bc my boss has been informing me of many pending files to treat", I said. "Alrit. Idi isẹ ẹni lati n mọ ẹni lọlẹ. May d Lord help u so dat u finish all in time", my love said.... It was as if we have parted for years, despite d fact dat we talk daily, despite d fact dat we chat daily, despite d fact dat we upload our pictures of interests daily, despite...but seeing is different...God is wonderful. I got 2 d Island earlier so dat I will have a taste of office work, do some works and take d rest home if possible so dat I finish up my part on schedule bc according 2 my boss, d headquarter wants d branch's report upd8 asap. I did not let him know of my take off time 4m d city so dat he wont calculatively arrive @ my arrival hour...when I dropped @ d garage, I phoned him dat our bus is about to take off, he wished me a safe journey...Then I asked of where he is and he told me in his office.

I board a taxi 2 his office...on getting 2 his office he told me dat he received an open trance abt 2 minutes before I called, seeing me alighting 4m a yellow bus n d environment was d Island's garage... "Ẹh-hẹn" was wat I said. "So, as I was thinking on d vision dat could it be dat u have arrived, dat was when u called saying u r about to take off...so i conclude dat u r yet 2 be here but dat u shal get home safely...dat was wat I later interpreted d trance 2 mean" he concluded. "God is great". I said. "This is bc d bus dat conveyed me here was yellow and dat was d exact tym dat I alighted 4m d bus, u are monitoring me spiritually "niyẹn" o. "Where d carcass is, d eagles gathered..." "So d scriptures say", I said interjectingly. "So whereever sons/daughters of genuine prophet of God are, his spiritual eye shall be with dem" he said. "Praise God 4 d office of prophets", I said. "Alleluiah to God", "mai" lord said. "So what do u bring 4 me?" He added. "Plenty of assignments 4m prof Josh-Josh", I replied laughing.

"Alright. We shal do justice 2 dat later, but, wat I mean is, wia r d edible things u brought 4 me", my love said. "I bought some fried chips, but I have given those @ sales department..." Interjecting, "I do now wanna know wat u give those @ d sales dept, I am talkin abt my own" he said. "Agbalagba. Ki lenia fe ra fun eyin agbalagba?" I asked. "Bring ur handbag n let me see", he said. I handed it ova 2 him, "e le ri nkankan nibe", I said. "I only come so dat I drop my bag in d office n go 2 my work place 2 get started wit my piled up office works", I enthused. "Okay o", he said as he collected my handbag n started opening it..."may God not let blade cut ur hands in my bag as u r removing its contents", I said, as I squeezed mysef tru d narrow path btw him n d wall, pressing my breasts on him, because I didnot want 2 excuse him off d road...walking 2 wia he used 2 keep his foods...he replied as I was squeezing mysef 2ru his back, "if blade cuts my hand, u will be misses nurse 2da, n treat me, awa o mọ wipe abẹfẹlẹ lotun ku ti ẹ n mu rin kiri bayi o"

I did not answer him as I move 2wads d place, he grasped my wrist n pulled me back 2 him...face 2 face with him, he said, "ẹniti ko mu nkan bọ fun ara ile, oun na ko ni ri nkan ti ara ile seto kale gbà"...I was struggling 2 free mysef, but he held me tight, then I said, "Ha-ha-ha? Tomode ba nse bi omode, sebi won ni agba a si ma se bi agba". "I wont "se ise agba" today" he said still holding my hand. "O dara. Wont u let me go to office again? Leave me I want 2 get going 2 my work place, "ti ẹ ba ni ẹ o ni nkankan fun wa", I said. "Okay. Walk back 2 wia u were b4", he said. "Leave my hand now", I said lookin @ his eyeballs lovingly n laughing..."bc if u dont leave my hand how wld i move back 2 d place"...i know he wil leave my hand...He left my hand, I walked 2 wia his food warmers are kept...I saw two food warmers..."mai" lord has prepared my own food, I think...I opened it...I found my favorite food, powdered yam flour, "amala dudu" with "abula"...This man sha, ...he likes disturbing himsef, why cant he prepare simple food...I thought 2 mysef...He didnt talk...i took out d food...placed it on table...cleared d books n cassettees of d table n arrange it properly...washed my hands, settled down to eat it, just then he spoke, "se ẹyin o tile le bere lowo eleti ki e to gba nitiyin ni? Ounjẹ yen ore mi to mbo lati ilẹ okere ni mo se fun o

...mo se fun o nitoripe o ni ó pẹ ti oun ti je amala pelu abula gbehin". "I am also your friend, your..." swallowing a bolus of "amala",...I mean d chief of all your friends "gan" sef...when your 2nd, 3rd etc friends arrive, take him and or them to the eateries or beta still go n prepare new foods 4 dem", I conclusively said as anoda bolus goes into my mouth. "Ki agbalagba o ma dana de ọmọde, arifin niyẹn o...", am I your mate? He said. "Nope "mai" lord sire"...putting succulent cow-leg, "bọkọtọ" into my mouth...sorry "mai"...um...lord sire. "Alright. Nibiti ounje ka yin lara de, e o tile le duro kajo jeun papo mọ, ...", he dips his hand into d washing bowl, washing his hand... "Ẹn-hẹn-hẹn! Kile nse?" I asked interuptingly. "Kilo jọ? Boya lẹ tilẹ rọju gbadura si ounjẹ yẹn ki ẹ to ma jẹ" he replied. "Ni ounje ti ngo gbadura si? Ẹ fẹ jẹ poison". I said. "I have been longing to eat your poison of love" he said.

"Eh-he, "mai" lord has changed o, i think u dont like 2 eat love's poison b4 now?" I said. "Tabi ẹ o ma wo ogboju aya?" he said..."i may not like eating oda women's foods but obviously not yours...dat poison will effectively work". "But i think u said d food is 4 a visitor 4m d advanced country", I said, as i put anoda bolus into my mouth, d food is fairly hot, soft...well prepared... "Food rules n ethics say, "it is not good 2 speak while eating"" he said. "Ẹyin na lẹ n disturb mi, jẹjẹ mi ni mo n jẹun mi", I said. "So nothing dey shame you, eating a man's prepared food", he said. "What wil shame me 4 eating "mai" love's food", I said, he has also dipped his hand into d food n we r eating 2geda now... "Ki ẹ ma tile le gbawẹ iseju kan", he said. "Eyin ni woli. It is prophets who fasts regularly, but 4 church members as I am, the Lord is not hard on us", I said. "Is the Lord hard on us?" He asked eating. "Nope "mai" lord sire, but... Interjecting, "but what?" He said.

"But it is u who sees, hears, n gets many things 4m God coupled with d fact dat u wil want 2 prepare 4 d congregation...but 4 us, "ọmọ ijọ" we are enjoined 2 live faithfully, be loyal 2 God n our leaders...em, datz all", I said. "E n le o, omo ijo rere", he said. "O o baba woli", I said...we finished eating...packed d warmers n oda things 4m d table...went outside, bring out wat i brought 4 him...I handed dem ova 2 him "I know u can not but bring something 4 your love now...something dat is gr8, gud" he said. "And I know u cannot do without preparing a delicious meal 4 me", I said...while resting, we started examining d printer which was bought 4 us by d broda, d printa was gud...superb according 2 "mai" lord, d brand dat i loved...n d broda did not take extra-charge, he got it @ d exact price one of my friends said she got hers,...he told "mai" lord dat when he approached him dat he needed d substance, dat it coincided wit d time he was travelling 2 wia he used 2 buy dem in bulk price, which is usually cheaper...

Although he had it in mind 2 buy some that he would sell, but when "mai" lord got 2 him, he had 2 add ours, including it in his order at d company, so dat our wont in anyway tamper or alter d quantity he originally had in mind buying 4 sales @ d island... Wat he did surprised "mai" lord and he decided 2 use him 2 get some desktop computers dat he wanted 2 use in his office...He eulogized his faithfulness...a rare one among his contemporaries in d fellowship he said... @ 13:00 hours, i got up to get going 2 my office so dat I see if I can lay my hands on one/two things in d office b4 d closing hour... @ 13:20 hours, I got 2 my office...exchanged greetings with co-workers...give dem plaintain chips...den I was told dat my boss is around... "wia did he parked his car?" I asked. "Mechanic has taken it away 4 servicing", a staff replied... "Oh no wonder, I thought he wasnt around when I didnt see his vehicle around," I said...as I head towards his office, knocked @ his office's door.

"Yes? Who is there?" he asked. "Good afternoon sir, it's Debbie sir", I replied. "Oh, my Debbie, pls come right in", he said. "Yes sire," I said, opening d door and entered, genuflecting, "afternoon sire," I said again. "How has it been? How was d trip? When did you arrive? Today?" he bombarded me with questions. "Evrythin is fine sire. The journey was wonderful...I "Can you please take a sit?" he interjected, stretching his left hand to the seats opposite him.. "Oh. Thank you sire", I said, pulling out a chair to sit directly opposite him. "What do I offer you? Coffee?" He inquired. "This afternoon oga? Nope sire thanks. I am alright", i replied. "Oh, maybe cold water or soft drink will do?" He asked. "I am pretty fine sire," I said. "Thank you sire". "Okay o, if you said so", he said. "I arrived early 2da 2 see dose piled up works @ my desktop and see how I can attend to one or two b4 d day runs out..." "Oh", interjecting, "I think what u shall need attend to now may not be too many

Again, bc your junior staff said u have once taken him thru some of the steps in handling some of the works and he has been able to treat some of it, using d data plan u left behind...and what was initialy proving difficult, i think he was able to retrieve d package necessary for its handling 4m d system...so I think, we have made remarkable progress on your departments documentation dis week", he enthused. "Oh. That is lovely. Wonderful sire. A good news." I said. "Yes. It is. That is why it is gud dat a leader carries along his/her subjects in d execution of his/her duties so dat @ d appropriate time, such persons can assist him/her." he said. "I have shown him virtually all except some few things and it was bc of d limited tym n also dat we have not win a project involving such of late", I said. "Maybe dat is wat is left...or maybe he just didnt know how 2 go about it", my boss said. "I shall immediately attend to dat sire", i said. "So, how is broda Samson?" My boss asked

"He is pretty fine sir", I replied. "How is his work?" My boss asked. "All praise to God sire", I replied. "Lest I forget, I was @ his shop last week 2 get some cassettees and he was marvelous, he gave me special attention...pls extend my special appreciation 2 him 4 wat he did 4 me last week" my boss said. "I shal do dat sire", I said. "I want 2 ask u a question about him", my boss said. "Pls go ahead sire", I said, as I adjust myself on d seat 2 listen 2 wat he wanted 2 say. "Excuse me, which political party does he belong to?" my boss asked. "A political party or what sir?" I asked him again. "Yes. I mean is he a politician? Is he in any political party?" My boss asked. "Sorry sire", I said. "Yes, Debbie", Boss said. "You mean to ask whether or not my fiancé is a politician sire?" I asked. "Yes, sister Debbie, I want to know if he is a politician", my boss said. "He is not a politician sire, and from all I know about him, he does not belong to any political party or group", I replied

"Hen-hen? Is that so?" Boss said. "Yes sire", I replied. "And dont you know if he has an intention of joining a political party in d nearest future?" Boss asked. "Nope sire, I do not know, and I do not even think so sire", i replied...."but why do you ask such question sire". I added. "Well, 4 quite a while now, I have been reading some of his articles on social media, his comments, his posts, his responses to some of the Island's nagging issues of interest and I feel, well such a man we need in Politics to help in talking to some of d island's leaders who r not forthright in their dealings with d people, leaders bereft of ideas, a head without cerebrum, a head without thinking centers, a head without co-ordinations, leaders devoid of commoners pains, leaders who know how 2 use d poor people 2 get 2 d throne, but after getting there, they become demi-god, dey forget d commoners, dey drop dem, dey add 2 their sufferings belabouring dem, addin 2 their sorrows, trading d poor men's progress 4 setbacks n servitudes...So having been ffg him, I feel he has something to offer our island's people", Boss said.

"Hum!" I mustered. "Oh, sorry. But havent u noticed that?" Boss asked. "I have noticed it sire...I have even talked to him about it..." "Is dat so?" Boss interjectingly asked. "Yes sire", I replied. "Pls go on, what was his response when u discussed suc with him? You are the person who can pull him out of his political coccoon", boss said. "Oh! Do you think so?" I asked. "Yes. Positive about it Debbie", boss said "Well, I do not so think sire", I said. "Why? He loved you pretty well. He loved you closely. He loved you so much..." "Hum", interjectingly said. "Or do you have reservations about his love for you?" boss asked. "Nope sire. Not at all. I know he loved me dearly, and I loved him to pulp too...but convincing him on political matters? I do not think i can do that sire", i said. "But why do you think you cannot pull him out of his political coccoon 2 partake and participate in politics of d island?" boss asked. "When we discussed d issue, his reply was, "for now, he has no feelings and directives for such..."

Boss interupted, "no directives as how?" "Directives on his part means that God has not spoken to him on such for now, he said maybe in the future but obviously for now God hasnot said anything as per that, as such he added nothing like that is in my view" I replied. "When did you discussed dis with him?" Boss asked. "About 18 months ago" I replied. "That is quite a while, maybe he would have been visited by God now" Boss said. "Maybe sire. Maybe...He said "all his write-ups is aimed at helping one or two people in governance, so that they see the commoners view of what is going on in the Island" I said. "Well. Well. Well. It is true. One or two people in governance may stumble on such writeups, but, I think as good and true as dat is, I still think if he joins a political party, he will offer more than this and he will also know those in authority who can listen 2 him, for who knows, he may also become elected into an office later", boss conclusively said.

"As far as my interactions with him, when we actually come together closely, because, we have been together as church members before we started courtship, so when we actually started sharing our minds, views, objectives, visions, dreams of d future together, I have studies him closely and discovered dat his mind is absolutely not in politics, but maybe it is because he hasnt seen some1 to convince him, to enlighten him, to make him see reasons why he needs to take such step, joining political terrain, maybe God can use you to talk to him on dis issue, but as for me...Uhm? I do not so think". I said. "Alright Debbie...I will think about it", boss said. "The little I know about my lovely love, "mai" lord is that he does love to wait on God b4 taking a step, he doesnt just jump into any issue anyhow, he doesnt like being pressurized 2 do anything, and he hardly hides his feelings, he opens his minds on many issues, but on this politics, he hasnt talked to me about picking interests in it of late..." "Uhm", Boss interjected.

"I also assume his stance on d issue is particularly religious based...he has passed thru some teachings 4m his mentor...his mentor, d person he makes mention of his name regularly has admonished him not to dabble into politics for any reasons, he said, the man told him to ensure that he brings many people into Jesus' home with all he has...so my love is strictly pursuing that goal with all his might, vigour, strength, intelligence, knowledge...however, as I said afore, he may have reasons to change his stance if someone talks to him", I concluded. "The assignments b4 us now do not leave room 4 such @ d moment, but when we finish dis task b4 us, I shall try n see him one on one on dis crucial matter, showing him some examples of ministers of God who r into politics now", Boss said. "That shall be scintilating of you sire, and may God speak to you thru him", I said. "Amen" Boss replied. "Thank you for the care sire", I said. "What are we together for? We r together to share our burdens and ofcourse lift ourselves up", boss said "Yes sire", I replied. "I have just recieved anoda memo 4m headquarters that we need to work on something, please go and take the the printout from the printer's outlet over there and work on it together with other few things yet to be addressed..."ẹ ku irin na"..."Boss said. I stant up to get the print out 4m d printer and said ""ẹ se sire" I will work on all with speed and accuracy sire"... I left my boss' office...what a nice man...I thought to myself, as I walked to my section in d office...

TRANSLATION OF THE DIFFICULT WORDS

Sister Debbie says, "maybe you CAN CONVINCE him sire"...(July 26, 2013)

"ki ilẹ to pa òsìkà, ohun rere pupọ yo ti bajẹ" (translation before the wicked died, so many good things would have been destroyed (it is a Yoruba Proverb meaning before the wicked is apprehended or killed, it would have wreck so many havocs

bRoda (translation brother)

"Owo l'obinrin mọ", (translation women exteem money than anything)

"gan-ni a fi ji" (translation it is a Northern language meaning seeing)

"Ẹyin lẹmọ, ẹ o mã fi enia sinu "suspense" bi ẹnipe "island" ni mo wa pẹlu yin", (translation you will be keeping one in suspense as if I am in the island with you, it is left to you)

"Ẹ ma binu iya grammar", (translation don’t be annoyed grammarian mother/woman

Boya ẹ o tillẹ fẹ ki n ka iwe mọ ni" (translation I doubt if you even want me to continue with this course)

"Se ẹ o mọ wipe ti enia ba ti wa ni "suspense" ọKan enia ko ni papọ̀ ni iwaju awọn professors wọnyẹn ni?" (translation don’t you know that if one is in suspense, one’s mind would be far off the Professors when they are lecturing us)

Ẹ ma binu. Se ẹ mọ wipe emi o lọ suku ri, mi o mỌ bi o se nse enia", (translation don’t be annoyed. I hope you remember that I have not been to the four walls of any institution, thus I don’t know how people there used to feel)

"Ẹyin ti "personality" yin ba ti jẹ "phleg" bayi, nkan ni" (translation those of you who has a Phleg like personality type, you are difficult)

"To ò, ẹ n lẹ o baba "personality" ki la se o?" (translation Thanks mr personality analyser, what have we (phleg) done on)

"Rutu abọ́kọkú"" (translation Ruth who died with her hubby (This is a bible story in the book of Ruth in which the hubby of Ruth died and her mother in-law advised her to return to her people but she refused to return. Thus, people usually call ladies or women who love and expresses their love to their hubbies as Ruth)

Rutu ko ba ọkọ ku, Rutu fi ìfẹ́ rẹ si ọkọ rẹ han ni" (translation Ruth did not die with her hubby, but she expressed her unflinching love to her hubby)

"Ẹyin na lẹ fun wa", (translation You are the one who gave it unto us

Rutu a bọkọ ku" (translation Ruth who died with her hubby)

"Ọlọrun nikan lo le gba ẹniyẹn"", (translation it is only God who can save the person)

"To ò, e emi ni sẹyin ni bayi tabi ẹyin lẹ sẹ mi?", (translation who has grieved the other person amongst us? Am I the one who grieved you or you are the one who grieved me?)

"O ò sẹ̀ mi. Mi o sẹ̀ ẹ́. (translation no one among us. You have not grived me, neither have I grieved you)

"ko dara ki a ma sẹ ara wa, a ò si le ma ma sẹ ara wa nigbati a ba ti jìjọ n ni ajọsepọ, nitori ẹniti enia ba n ba ni ajumọjọsepọ na ni enia ma nsẹ..." (translation it is not good for us not to grieve each other, and it is not possible that we will not grieve each other, because it is the person one interacts with everyday that one grieves)

Hun-hun",( translation Uhmn)

"Nitorina bi ẹniti enia ba mba ni ajumọjọsepọ ba sẹ ẹnikeji, nse ni ka ya pari rẹ lẹ́yẹ-o-sọka, ki a si tun bẹrẹ sini gbe ni (translation therefore if the person one is having daily interaction with grieved the person, the right thing for them is to instantly resolve the matter amicably and continue to live together in harmony) "

o ti dara o si ti dun to fun awọn ara lati ma jumọ gbé ni irẹpọ", (translation “behold how good and how pleasant it is for brethren to dwell together in unity”) "

"Alrit.( translation alright)

Idi isẹ ẹni lati n mọ ẹni lọlẹ. (translation one can only be called lazy person in one’s discipline but not another’s (it is a Yoruba proverb encouraging one to be hardwork so as not to be called lazy person

"Ẹh-hẹn" (translation Uhmn mn)

"niyẹn" o. (translation that is just what it connotes)

"Agbalagba. Ki lenia fe ra fun eyin agbalagba?" (translation An elder person. What can one buy for an elder person)

"e le ri nkankan nibe", (translation you cannot see anything there)

awa o mọ wipe abẹfẹlẹ lotun ku ti ẹ n mu rin kiri bayi o" (translation I have not know that you go about with naked blade in your handbags now)

"ẹniti ko mu nkan bọ fun ara ile, oun na ko ni ri nkan ti ara ile seto kale gbà" (translation a person who fails to come home with something will equally not be given what those who are at home has reserved for him/her) ...

"Ha-ha-ha? Tomode ba nse bi omode, sebi won ni agba a si ma se bi agba". (translation Ha? If a child behaves childishly, the elders too are expected to behave like elders (in other words if a child behaves like a fool, the elders must wise up)

se ise agba" (translation I wont act like an elder)

"O dara. (translation that is good)

"ti ẹ ba ni ẹ o ni nkankan fun wa", (translation if you said you have nothing for us)

amala dudu" (translation Yam flour)

abula" (translation potpourri soup) ...

se ẹyin o tile le bere lowo eleti ki e to gba nitiyin ni? (translation why cant you ask the person who has ear that you want to slap it before slapping it? (it is a proverb that one needs to make enquiries about some things before going ahead to do the thing)

Ounjẹ yen ore mi to mbo lati ilẹ okere ni mo se fun o nitoripe o ni ó pẹ ti oun ti je amala pelu abula gbehin". (translation I have prepared this food for a friend that is on his way from a very distance place because he called that it has been long that he ate yam flower and potpourri soup last)

gan" translation in fact)

"Ki agbalagba o ma dana de ọmọde, arifin niyẹn o...", (translation for elders to be preparing food for the younger person, that contempt on the part of the young one

Nibiti ounje ka yin lara de, e o tile le duro kajo jeun papo mọ, ...", (translation because of the degree of your hunger, you cannot even wait a while so that we eat the food together (People of this part of the world like eating together even from the same plate))

"Ẹn-hẹn-hẹn! Kile nse?" (translation Uhmn mn, what are you doing?)

Kilo jọ? Boya lẹ tilẹ rọju gbadura si ounjẹ yẹn ki ẹ to ma jẹ" (translation what does it resemble? I doubt even if you prayed on it before you start eating it)

Ni ounje ti ngo gbadura si? Ẹ fẹ jẹ poison". (translation the food I forgot to bless? You want to eat poison.)

"Eh-he,( translation Uhmn mn)

"Tabi ẹ o ma wo ogboju aya?" (translation aint you seeing a bold wife)

"Ẹyin na lẹ n disturb mi, jẹjẹ mi ni mo n jẹun mi", (translation You are the one disturbing me, I have been eating my food without issues)

Ki ẹ ma tile le gbawẹ iseju kan" (translation you cannot even observe a second fasting)

"Eyin ni woli. (translation you are a prophet

ọmọ ijọ" (translation I am a member of the congregation)

E n le o, omo ijo rere", (translation sorry o, a good church member) he said.

"O o baba woli", (translation Yes o, prophet)

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There also was a number on the phone saying to contact it and I did but that was turned off as well. I couldnt reach the seller or the contact info on the phone. I have no idea on how I can use this phone or even to turn it on. I know its someone elses phone but I did spend almost all my savings to that phone and I dont have anyway to use it. Can someone please tell me how to fix this. All I know about the phone is that it is iPhone 5 I Cant remember who your car insurance company is?..? I Cant remember who your car insurance company is? Insurance for my hrse? does any one no any good horse insurance companys Will my insurance company keep me with them once i buy a new car? I am an 18 y/o female I was recently involved in a serious car accident 3 days ago. so here is what happened, I was traveling southbound and there was an 18 wheeler traveling northbound. I was moving over into my left lane because I was soon about to turn onto the highway.the light was green and I must admit I did see the truck but it was further back so I decided to try and make the left the light was turning yellow and I wanted to beat the light but my main focus shifted to my left rearview mirror because I wanted to make sure there weren t any cars in my blind spot..next thing you know I looked up and the truck was swerving out of control obviously he was trying to beat the yellow light as well and since he is driving a truck it is way much harder to complete an abrupt stop without gliding practically 100 yards..he smashed right into me and dragged my car along with his truck until I was facing northbound with him..my car is completely ruined and totaled..I know for a fact that if I would ve had a passenger with me they would ve died on impact, I am so blessed because i wasn t injured that bad beside a little torn tissue in my knee,the pain from my seatbelt, minor scratches,bruised lips, and the small cuts from small glass and powder from the air bag, I did however immediately jumped out of the car cause I didn t want to get blown up or anything...anyways the police came..come to find out the truck driver didn t have proof of insurance with him..and we both got a ticket..mines was failure to yield and his was failure to slow down at yellow light so we both were at fault that was my first car and I only had it for a month and I have full coverage..now the big question is once I buy another car will my insurance company let me stay with them?..because I really like them and they are loyal to their words and customers..I also realize that I caused them to lose alot of money compared to how much I paid... Question about dental insurance? Earlier this month I went to an oral surgeon for a consultation for my wisdom teeth. They gave me an estimate and 2 weeks later told me how much I would still have to pay. It was very expensive so I canceled my appointment with them and am going somewhere else to get my extraction done. My new consultation is this monday but was wondering if since I had gone to a place earlier for a quote and canceled my appt. would this effect how much my insurance is going to cover with this oral surgeon? Thanks! How much will my insurance cost next year? My insurance at the moment cost 1200 and this runs out sept of this year. If I don t make any claims can any of you estimate how much it will cost for renewal. I am 21 female. I ve got 5 points until 2010 and I drive a 1999 peugeot 206. It may be a dumb question but I was just wandering if anyone might have a rough idea? How much per year to live comfortably alone? Texas. And comfortably like I can afford the bare necessities like food, gas, and the stuff I listed up there but still have some spending money to go out occasionally (movies, restaurant, etc). Also good internet service. Life Insurance - am I getting ripped off? I like my agent and want to go with him, as long as the rate is competitive. So if I can get in anywhere from like $500 - $700 if I shop around, I ll be glad to keep him. But if the avg rate was to be somewhere around $300 - $400 a year, thats a lot of money to throw away. Pay cash for a home do I need insurance? Pay cash for a home do I need insurance? Auto insurance needed to drive into Canada from the USA? Hello, I am wondering if proof of auto insurance is asked for when driving into Canada from the USA? I know a passport is, but wasn t sure if proof of auto insurance is. How to find affordable Health Insurance options? i live in san francisco, CA and am about to turn 30 (female). i haven t had insurance since leaving a job with a good plan about 5 years ago and i m (haha, pun intended) *sick* of it! webMD and i can only do so much, and i m beginning to think the doctor at the clinic i ve been going to doesn t know what she s doing. money is tight (surprise surprise) but i do need to get real about covering myself. anyone else been in a similar boat and found a good solution? OR know of any sources where i can begin leg-work of my own? thanks so much! Will depression medication raise my insurance costs? My brother is in a severe depressive slump, if you will, and I would like to know whether any antidepressant medications will raise the family insurance costs. Please help me, and him! He needs it!!! Can The Insurance Be In Someone Else s Name When You Finance A Car? @Jodi how about if i put myself as 2nd driver? (State is Michigan) I recently got a dui and crashed my car how much will my insurance go up? right now im paying 45$ a month on car insurance liberty mutual earthquake insurance quote liberty mutual earthquake insurance quote Nearly 18 and I need to drive, what is the cheapest car and insurance for someone my age? Nearly 18 and I need to drive, what is the cheapest car and insurance for someone my age? What type of Life Insurance is best for my husband and I? (We just purchased a home, we are both 23 years old) My husband and I are both 23 years old and we just purchased a home. We have been under pressure from our Insurance Agent and our Mortgage broker to obtain Life Insurance in case something happens to one of us. We would like to have coverage in case something happens. I know the importance of Life Insurance, as my mom was killed in a car accident when she was only 38. So, we want to be protected, and we want our house to be safe. We are pretty much clueless when it comes to Insurance policies. I ALREADY LOOKED UP THE INFO ON WIKIPEDIA, SO PLEASE DON T GIVE ME MORE OF THAT. I want opinions on what the best kind of Life Insurance is for us. Term (but if it is a 30 year term, does that mean when we are for example 54 and something happens after the 30 years, we aren t covered???) or Permanant (whole life, and others). We didn t like the decreasing term policy our agent showed us. We have gotten 2 quotes for Term Life. Help us make an informed decision!!! Please! Will car insurance effects right away when you call them? I just bought a car, well imma get it tomorrow I have Infinity Insurance (not the car brand) I will get my car tomorrow, I was wondering If I call them tomorrow when I get car, to add my new car to the insurance car list will the insurance effects right away or later, because I m going to call them not talk to them in person thank you Homeowners insurance cost? We are shipping around for insurance for a new home, it s 1200 sqft, nothing special and well updated, but im wondering what kind of a cost per month we should be looking for? Our broker said 40 a month or less is good, but usaa and travelers both quoted us a little above that, I don t want to call around too much, so is this still a good deal, 45 a month? We are new buyers! Spouse for life insurance money? Isn t that just disgusting? You think you married someone who loves you, and then they find a way to kill you, whether its poison, hiring a hitman, murdering, just to get the life insurance money. Is there anyone else out there who is also digusted with this? The recent news here where I live, a wife killed her Navy husband for his life insurance money, shame on her, I hope she gets the death penalty........This is why I won t get life insurance for myself, or let my boyfriend get one for me, when we get married, money does make you do crazy things doesn t it? Does anyone know the cost of insurance for an infiniti g37 for a 18 year old boy? Apparently, the dealer says infiniti g37 aren t technically sports cars so the insurance wouldn t be too high for my son. I m not to sure though..can anyone clear this matter up? I am going to drive in a few years can somebody list some cars that are sporty but low on insurance? does the insurance company have to know if you add more horsepower to a car? what if it looks sporty or fast but it may not be. how do they determine the rates? What all should I consider when changing my auto and home insurance company? For twelve years, I have had homeowners and auto insurance with Allstate. During this time, there have been no auto accidents, claims or moving driving violations. However, the auto premium increased last month. I was told I lost the new car discount on my 2011 Ford Fusion. There are 2 adults drivers only. I obtained quotes from four insurance companies for homeowners and auto insurance. I went line by line on the auto quotes to be sure it is the same (or better) coverage than I have now. The homeowners is basically the same dollar amounts for total replacement coverage for the house & contents and to pay for the cost of other housing during repairs. Three of the companies have accident forgiveness so 1 auto claim will not increase the premiums. Every quote is less than my premiums with Allstate. These savings seem too good to be true but it isn t just one other insurance company. It is four A+ rated companies. What am I missing? Does insurance go up for out of state speeding ticket? I hae a New York drivers license, i was pulled over going 45 in a 30.....$150 ticket....................i looked it up and i know i do not get points on my record, but does my insurance go up? does anyone knoow and have a good source they can provide? Thanks Insurance rates for 18 year old? I ve never owned a car but I will for the first time soon. I know that in high school insurance rates partially depended on grades, is it the same way in college? What other things are factors in determining the rate? Is it worth it to stay on Tricare Reserve Select? Right now I m in the Army National Guard with TN but I live on the border of KY and TN but in KY, and I ve been paying for TRS. My question is I should add my daughter on my plan to cover her or is there a cheaper/better option for her? Adding her to my plan will bring it close to $200, is that a reasonable price compared to other insurance policies? I live close to Fort Campbell. It s just us two. Cheap car insurance for new drivers? im 23 years old and about to take my driving test, IF i pass i ll be needing car insurance which i ve noticed is very expensive. and tips or websites that are good for people in my situation?? i ve put the excess up but its just too much! any help will be good thanks Car insurance in ontario? Ok so im about to buy my first used car and i have no idea how getting insurance for your car works. im going to call around to find the best rate but do insurance companies normally make you pay anything up front? i was told that sometimes they make you pay for two months right away. is this true? i have enough for one month of insurance up front but i want to make sure i save enough money to do so if that is usually the case thanks. License in insurance? What would it be for? How would I go about obtaining one, and is it a solid field to get into? I currently work in member service for health insurance and am looking into getting into a different type, but I see a lot require a license in insurance. Hospital Check up costs without insurance? Does anyone have an idea what it costs for a hospital check up/physical when you dont have insurance? I m sure its not cheap. But I think I might need to go the doctor, but dont want to see the bill if I do. Thanks Ohio Car Insurance? Okay, My mom owns the car I drive, and has insurance on it, but only her & my dad are insured on it, and i am not. Can I get in trouble for this if I am pulled over? Any help is greatly appreciated! I need non-owner car insurance? http://handyproxy.cn/car-insurance.html Audi A4 B7 2.0 TDI jerk/clunk in reverse gear? Hello! I have a problem with my Audi a4 b7 2.0tdi multitronic. When i put the car in reverse there is vibration/jerk/clunk. You can feel the vibration and you can hear it. When i release the foot brake, give gas and the car starting to go back without vibration, but when i must to go slow with little press the brake,there is a vibration. When you put the car in drive or in park theres no vibration at all, just when you put it in reverse. The car drive fines and everything is ok, its just when you put the car in reverse it vibrates..Any ideas why there is vibration when the car is put into reverse? I think it comes from the front wheels/brakes or maybe the engine. Please help me How many people out there would love a health care insurance exchange, where you can buy insurance on your own? and not have to choose a job based on benefits, and you could switch jobs without worrying about losing coverage. Why would people be against this, unless they are part of a union and do not want everyone to have great benefits like they do? Flashings on the house covered by Home Insurance? Does Flashings on the house covered by Homeowner s Insurance. I have the whole flashing gone on my house. Is it part of water damage or seperate from the Water damage, Do I need to hire some one to do reinstall the flashing out of my pocket? liberty mutual earthquake insurance quote liberty mutual earthquake insurance quote Suggestions for health insurance.? I m an owner operator truck driver which a means I need to get my own health insurance. I m seeking the best coverage for the money. Would My Auto Insurance Be Cheaper If I Lived...? In A Smaller Town, Or Would That Not Make Any Difference At All? Insurance on a crashed car? Today someone crashed into my car, anyway both cars have minor damage but they re trying to say it was my fault and claiming on their insurance etc. etc. Anyway, i was just wondering if the price of insurance increases for a driver who has crashed, how long does it go up for and if they don t insure the car during that time (i may be at uni) Will the increased charges be saved for until they next insure the car? Can anyone tell me what is the average cost of having a baby in San Diego without insurance (vaginal/c-sec)? I am uninsured and would like to know the average cost of having a baby in San Diego, especially at University of California, San Diego medical center (Hospital and/or birthing center), and if you would recomend UCSD or any other place. Can anyone help? Getting insurance under my name? In NJ, it states that you need proof of insurance to transfer a title. How can i get proof of insurance if I don t have the title under my name? Can I get insurance before tranferring the title, or can i get insurance without transferring the title? Title is transferring from my dad to me. How does uninsured motorist effect me and the insurance company? if i get in a car accident with someone that dosnt have car insurance how does this effect me and the insurance company Auto Insurance Company Lowballing me??? What do I do? Obviously, I just want to replace the car and cant for the amount theyre offering me. I know what the car is worth and the insurance company is trying to get me to look at cars in places like new mexico and texas in order to bring the price down. Where I live, the price for these cars is much higher. There isnt a single car in a 3-400 mile radius like mine even within 5000 dollars of what they are offering. To the person that says am I sure I know whats it worth, Ive done more research then you so are you sure thats not what its worth? Can you get a car insurance quote If you can t drive at first? I am only currently doing driving lesson s and don t own a car but am I able to get a quote if I can provide the detail s on what car I want roughly? Life insurance health exam privacy? I recently applied for life insurance provided by my employer. This will require me to have a physical including a urine and blood test. the problem is my employer has a zero tolerance drug policy and I have been a habitual pot smoker for the last 10 years. I have been clean for three weeks now and have been avoiding the independent mobile examiner that will come to my place of work or my house. Unfortunatly its now too late to cancel this since we only have open enrollment once a year and the application is pending. My question is if my test comes back positive for THC, can the insurance company tell my employer that the reason I will not be insured is that I tested positive? At this point I dont care if I am insured, but I do not want to loose my job of 15 years. Please, can anyone with first hand experience help with this? How much will my car insurance go up if i got an ovi dropped to reckless op? i was pulled over and ended up being charged w an ovi, but my lawyer got it reduced to a reckless op. how much will my insurance go up and how many points on my licensee will that be? Estimate wrx sti insurance? 20 year old male, perfect driving record, state of florida and for either a 2006 or 07 if that even matters Car insurance accepting no claims when not been on a policy for 2 years? I need car insurance with a company who will accept my 9 years no claims from 2 years ago, does anybody know any companies who accept this??? thanks Which is the cheapest 50cc moped to insure? Looking at getting a 50cc moped to get to work and back at the lowest price possible. im 20 and still getting high insurance quotes. i was originally looking at the Honda CBR 125 but the insurance was 2000. Cheap 17 Year old car insurance? I have just passed my driving test and can t find affordable car insurance. I would not be the main driver of the car as I would use it less than my parents, yet I cannot find a quote cheaper than 3000 on my 2004 Fiat Punto 1.2L Petrol. Car insurance young driver need help??? need my insurance to be 1500 or less ....any insurers would be a great help a few months ago a had a 1000 quote fully comp now i cant get lower than 2000. need help. How much will Insurance be for a commercial car garage be on average (Uk)? How much will Insurance be for a commercial car garage be on average (Uk)? Can i own a car without insurance? i am leaving the country immediately and am leaving my car behind with my friend. The car will stay parked all the while. do i need to have insurance on the car. Marital status for car insurance? trying to fill out an insurance quote and wondering what i come under for the maritial status, been living with my gf for around 6 ish months and we are engaged. these are the options i was given. married single common law partner(separate) civil partnership Cheap auto insurance? Where is a good place to get cheap auto insurance? Where is a good place to get cheap auto insurance? Im a 22 y/o that lives in CA. I need full coverage (liability, collission and comprehensive) on my 2003 Honda Civic. My driving record isnt too bad. SWINE FLU, BUT NOOOO INSURANCE! SOS!? my sister is REALLY sick. she has a really bad cold and cough and not getting better! she doesn t have insurance or money to pay for a dr. s visit. would anyone be able to help me help her find somewhere she can go to get checked? i live in orange county, california. liberty mutual earthquake insurance quote liberty mutual earthquake insurance quote Auto insurance claims? Auto insurance claims?Total my 06 tundra. I owe the finance co. 26,000.insurance co ofers 22,000 am i screwed? I got gap insurance. another offer was to to let me keep my truck and get 16,000 from the insurance co. I am financed thru toyota and my interest is 21%. my truck is a total loss. I am pretty confused about the hole thing. I purchased the truck in 2006 for 30,000. payed more than 15,000. on it already. and my pay off was still high. i had no credit and i needed to build some, so i got the truck. any advise on dealing for a better settlement? or is the offers they told me about fair? any advise? thanx. Excluding insurance prices, which car would be the cheapest to run: impreza wrx (2006-2088), Civic Type R EP3? I m about to purchase a little sports car to treat myself. I was wondering if you could tell me which of these 2 cars would be the cheapest to run (fuel costs, tyres, parts etc) If anyone has an any other car suggestions with a similar amount of power and specs please feel free to suggest. Cheers Best Affordable Health Insurance in Indiana? My fiance is currently making about $1200 cooking full-time at a restaurant. Our rent eats up a little more than half of that. He needs to find an affordable insurance plan and he s tried at work but we ve heard it s not a very good value for the $200 he d be paying a month for it. Can anyone suggest some affordable health insurance plans? He s reasonably healthy, does not have any pre-existing conditions, but he does smoke. What s the cheapest auto insurance company? I m 24 at the moment, auto insurance is raised for teenagers who are under 25 so i would like to know what is the cheapest auto insurance company out there (i m currently under my dad s policy and its off the roof, but not that bad $1300 for 6 months) P.S. I hear State farm is the cheapest is that so? Can you have more than one car insurance policy? Okay, imagine the situation. Mum s got a car (A), but it s too expensive to run. Son has just bought a car (B) but doesn t want to drive it much until next year. Mum s already got an insurance policy on Car A, she wishes to take out an insurance policy for Car B with another company, but still keep her insurance policy on Car A with her old insurer. So Car A - Insurance Policy A - Mum driver. Car B - Insurance Policy B - Mum driver, Son named. Many thanks. How much would insurance cost for this vehicle? How much would it cost for a 18 year old to insure this vehicle if a company would actually give insurance (UK only) http://www.pistonheads.com/classifieds/used-cars/land-rover/range-rover/4-4-v8-vogue-low-miles-2002-52-with-added-extras/2909914 Home insurance? How much isurance do you need on a house that s worth $$491,000. Do I have to get umbrella insurance just case a accident happen at my house and somebody decide to sue me?? What does it mean the insurance accept responsibility? if the insurance accept responsibility for everything do i have to pay the lawyer..even though the insurance keeping asking him what is his fee. Does any one know about any 0 deductible health insurance plan with low monthly payment? State California How much would a 2001 vauxhall astra cost for insurance for a 17 year old male? No sites please i would like to know roughly how much... x My car is registered under my name can my dad get insurance for my car ? i have insured my car for almost 1 year at $1600/ 6 months for liablity. My dad got a drivers license but he does not drive. The car is registred under my name and is already paid off. Can I insure the car with my dads information online ? or would I have to update the title to his name and signup for insurance again under new ownership of the car ? thanks! insurance for me is $1700/6 months for liability in NYC!! they are eating me alive for liability... i m 20 by the way. Who has the cheapest health insurance? I am wanting to move out of my house and in with my boyfriend and his 2 friends I am going to be getting a full time or 2 part time jobs but my biggest worry is having now health insurance. Does anyone know a place or company that has it for or to where i would be able to afford it? Is it possible transfer the auto insurance? I would like to buy a old car and is it possible to transfer the excisting insurance to my name,I am living in MA USA Cheapest car insurance in houston tx? hello i need to find auto insurance that i can afford, i was wondering do they have one thats under a 100 ? well can you list me places that have the cheapest auto insurance How much was your insurance co-pay for your hospital stay to deliver a baby? well, there would be multiple co-pays and costs not covered, so what was your total out of pocket expense? Would $5,000 cover the premium for a decent family health insurance plan? If McCain s credit becomes reality, doesn t it seem logical that a major healthcare provider would put together an affordable health insurance package for the credit amount and market the heck out of it? Obviously, it won t have all the bells and whistles, but people would be covered. There is the issue of the tax on the premium, but it still seems like a good idea. A pretty good link explaining both proposals: http://money.cnn.com/2008/03/10/news/eco... Do I need insurance just to keep the car? I have a car in California, but I don t drive it right now because I moved to other state. (I asked my sister to keep it while I m gone) But recently I received a Notice of Intent to Suspend that says DMV doesn t receive the report from the insurance company anymore After getting a speeding ticket how much does your insurance increase on average? After getting a speeding ticket how much does your insurance increase on average? About how much would this increase your car insurance yearly in NJ? In this case, it does not matter what type of car insurance you have or how much you make. Let s say you re a middle class family with 2 parents and one 17 year old son who drives on a provisional license. He just gained 8 points on his license. About how much will this increase your car insurance per year? And what are ways to lower it (if any)? Please answer thoroughly, and even add tips. Answers will definitely be appreciated. President Barack Obama signed into law the Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act.? President Barack Obama signed into law the Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act.? On March 23, 2010, President Barack Obama signed into law the Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act. The legislation puts in place comprehensive health insurance reforms that will roll out over four years and beyond, with most changes taking place by 2014. Critics of the new health care legislation claim that it is in violation of the U.S. Constitution. Is the new health care legislation is constitutional or unconstitutional? Explain why or why not. i kinda need a solid paragraph explanations would be so great! liberty mutual earthquake insurance quote liberty mutual earthquake insurance quote https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/i-had-health-insurance-from-january2014-until-november-jonathan-dean/

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