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evilhagspage · 5 months

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I love you, too.

Sam Winchester x fem!reader

warnings: allusions to sex, a few swears, she/her pronouns, use of y/n, written in first person

A/N: hey y'all! here is another little Sam scenario rattling around my old noggin. this takes place around season 6, after the whole soul shtuff. enjoy!

I'm standing in the dark kitchen at Bobby's house, pouring myself a bowl of cereal. I couldn't sleep, which is pretty par for the course these days, but especially since Sam woke up.

Sam and I have a complicated history. Dean and I have always been close, but me and Sam have always been...different. Long, stolen glances, sharing beds in shitty motels, staying up for hours just talking. Sam has always been my best, best friend. And truthfully, I have always been in love with him.

In between the sweet times have been some really, really difficult times. Times where Sam has completely shut me out, like when he went to college. Times when he was addicted to demon blood and SLEEPING with a literal demon while his brother was in Hell. After she betrayed him, he spent a while in Hell himself after allowing Lucifer to possess him. And, most recently, when he was traipsing around sans soul, hooking up with anything that had a pulse.

That is, until Dean struck a deal with Death, in which he returned Sam's soul. When he did this, Death constructed a wall in Sam's mind to keep him from remembering his time in Hell. This was a very strenuous process, which left Sam unconscious for quite a while. Until he woke up in Bobby's basement with no memory of the past year.

I jump and spin around at the sound of feet creeping up behind me, ripping me from my thoughts.

"Woah, it's just me...sorry," Sam says with his hands lifted up in a "please don't hurt me" gesture, a smirk on his face.

"Jesus, you scared me," I breathe out, clutching my chest as I heave from the scare. An awkward moment passes between us. A moment full of unanswered questions, unsaid truths. Sam clears his throat as he moves towards the sink, grabbing himself a glass of water. I stand leaning against the counter, silently munching on my midnight snack and stealing glances at him.

"So, uh, what are you doing up?" he asks.

"Couldn't sleep. You?"

"Yeah, me neither."

Another beat of silence passes.

"Y/N...I'm so sorry," he says almost breathless. I turn to him, a somber look on my face. "Sam..." I whisper.

"No, no, please. I mean it. I am so, so sorry. The way I treated you? The shit I put you through? You deserve to, to beat me to a pulp, you deserve to scream and berate me. But you're still here. You're still here, Y/N. I don't deserve your forgiveness. I know that. So I just need you to hear me say I am so, so sorry."

As I take in his words, I will myself to not cry. I can't ignore the squeezing in my chest, the ache of the past betrayal I felt from him. Even still, hope soars through my heart at his apology.

"Sam...I can't deny that you hurt me. You broke my heart," I begin, taking a shuddering breath before braving eye contact. He's looking towards the ground, nodding his head in agreement. "But, for some reason, I can't seem to shake you. Call it self destruction, call is stupidity, I don't know. But I do know that I love you. I love you in a different way than your brother. I always have. I know that you feel it. You're too smart not to," I finish with a chuckle, Sam hanging onto my every word like a believer listening to a revered reverand recite the holy scriptures.

"Y/N..." Sam breathes, stepping closer to me. "I-I love you too," He smiles, stuttering like a nervous school boy. I almost chuckle out loud, a swell of pride rising through me at the thought that I reduced the gentle giant to a flushed mess.

This kiss is a world of different from the first. We're hungry, chasing each other's mouth and running our hands up and down the other person's body. It's frenzied, selfishly taking what we want from each other to make up for lost time. Years of pining, years of stolen glances and lingering touches, of midnight conversations that last until dawn, years of dancing around the truth.

"Sam..." I sober up as he crowds me against the counter, his hand coming up to brush a lock of hair behind my ear.

"Can I show you? Can I show you how sorry I am?" he asked in a sincere, husky voice.

"Please," I all but beg. I run my hands up his strong arms and tilt my head up to his, before his warm, soft lips press against mine. The kiss is soft, chaste, and full of love. He pulls back for a moment, locking eyes with me before grabbing my face in his hands and kissing me with all of his might.

He hoists me up onto the counter, fitting himself between my legs. I run my hands through his hair, making him groan into my mouth. Oh, I am so remembering that for later, I think to myself. When we finally pull apart, he rests his forehead against mine and we both gasp for air.

"So, uh, is it safe to assume you forgive me?" he asks cheekily.

"Mmm, I don't know baby. I think you still have some grovelling to do," I reply mischeviously, biting my bottom lip and looking up at him. Sam's eyes grow dark, before he scoops me off of the counter and carries me up the stairs.

***

The next morning, Sam and Dean are sitting at the the kitchen table, already having newspapers and books strewn about, researching a new case. I make my way down the stairs, still in my pajamas and blissfully unaware of the state of my hair. Sam looks up and stifles a laugh, while Dean gives me a low whistle.

"Did you rest well, Sleeping Beauty?" he teases.

"Actually, no. I didn't get much sleep at all," I reply honestly with another yawn, while Sam fails to hide a (cocky) knowing smile. I fix myself a cup of coffee, before walking up behind Sam, running my hand through his hair at the nape of his neck. "Ugh, it's too early for that gnarly shit, baby," I grimace, looking over his shoulder at the crime scene photos he had pulled up on his computer. I sit down next to him and stretch my legs out across his lap, beginning to rifle through the newspapers on the table.

A few beats pass before we notice Dean has been staring at us with one of those sassy, blank glances, complete with a set jaw and furrowed brows. "We gonna talk about it or am I just supposed to pretend I didn't see that?"

Sam looks up, a confused look on his face and replies, "What do you mean?"

Dean scoffs. "I mean that whole domestic PDA shit. Yesterday y'all were hardly speaking to each other."

"What? We made up," I shrug non comittally.

Dean quizically looks between us and our complete non-chalant attitude before stuttering out, "So, so what...does this mean you guys are...like...together?? or something??"

"Yeah, Dean. We are, like, 'together'. This is seeming like a difficult concept for you to understand for some reason. We love each other, and like I said, we made up," I finish, smiling slightly as I tease Dean mercilessly.

Sam laughs as Dean gives me a look that says 'what the hell did she say to me?' before Bobby's voice echoes through the kitchen.

"The next time y'all decide to 'make up' mind giving me a heads up so I can use my industrial strength ear plugs? I'm scarred for damn life."

Sam's face flushes to his ears and Dean bursts out laughing before extending his hand to me. I match his giggles as I dap him up, before soothingly rubbing Sam's shoulder. Bobby shakes his head as pulls a beer out of the fridge and removes himself from the situation.

"Sorry, baby," I coo before laying a sweet kiss on his cheek, doing nothing to tame the blush on his cheeks.

"Who knew you were such a dog, Sammy!" Dean cackles at his embarrassed face as he moves back to his book.

#sam winchester #supernatural #sam winchester x reader #supernatural fanfiction #sam winchester x y/n #sam winchester x female reader

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tkachuksoralfixation · 21 days

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mcmatt + clean for the fic prompt!

(Jamie you're a real one. You know exactly what i want to write thank you)

To say the very least, Matthew Tkachuk is the most stubborn person in the world that Connor has the pleasure of looking after.

He'd taken over for Brady when the off-season started officially, given the fact that Matthew fought long and hard to play through his pretty severe injuries. Even after a good chunk of the summer had passed, Matthew continued to push himself to do things he really shouldn't be straining to do.

It's just a part of who he is. It's something Connor isn't used to, not by a long shot, and he can't really grasp why Matthew longs to be so independent. He shrugs off Connor's offers to help him out of bed, or putting on his shirt, or letting him lean on his shoulder when he's been up and at it for a while. Matthew just doesn't accept little acts of help.

So, Connor decides to take it a step further. On a particularly hard day, Connor fills up the tub with soothing warm water and a healthy few handfuls of epsom salts. It takes a lot of effort to drag Matthew into the bathroom, but god, it's worth it to see the way he melts into the water once he's in.

For the first time in a good few months, Matthew looks relaxed. Maybe even content. The bags under his eyes look softer, like just relaxing for once fixed the lack of sleep he's been struggling with. The anxious crease between his eyebrows smoothes out. It feels like a massive victory.

With a smile, Connor reaches for a bottle of shampoo that looks expensive. It's some kind of specialty product, he realizes as he examines the bottle. Made special for curls and damaged hair. He's never particularly looked at Matthew's hair products before now, but the bottle is rather heavy, so it must be new.

Matthew flinches when Connor snaps the bottle open, bright blue eyes suddenly open wide. His face scrunches into a displeased scowl.

"I can bathe myself," Matthew insists, reaching his good hand up for the bottle. Connor doesn't hand it over.

"I know you can," Connor responds simply, "it's not about whether you're able to. Just let me take care of you for now, okay?"

He squeezes a small amount of shampoo on his hand, watching the confliction spread on Matthew's face. It's clear this isn't something he considered. Washing your hair is such a standard, normal process that you hardly even think about until you have a broken arm. Connor can't imagine how useless he would feel if he suddenly had to rely on someone else to do everything for him.

Honestly? It sounds like hell on earth.

And he gets it. Really, he does. This whole thing is a conflict of everything Matthew has brought himself to believe. He has to do things on his own, prove he can make it, prove he's good enough. He can't do that if he's having his every move attended to by his brother or his boyfriend. Still, though. It's nice to be cared for once in a while, isn't it?

"Fine," Matthew mumbles, lowering his head to let Connor saturate his hair with water. "I'm doing it myself next time, though."

"You got it," Connor says.

He massages his fingers into Matthew's scalp, gently detangling his curls and rubbing the shampoo in. It's slow and tedious, but he does it regardless. Matthew sighs and groans here and there, his eyes closed as he lets Connor do his thing. He repeats the process after rinsing, this time with conditioner, and then they rinse again. Matthew is like putty in his hands, melting into his touches and leaning into him when is hands stray from his scalp.

It's okay to ask for help, he wants to say. It's okay to need people sometimes. You're allowed. But he has the feeling that won't be received very well, so Connor says nothing. He just smiles at Matthew as the water drains, helps him step out of the tub, and leans in for a wet kiss.

"Thank you," Matthew mumbles into his lips as a towel is draped over his shoulders, "y'know, you'd be a great masseuse."

"And touch anybody else but you? No way," Connor retorts, slick as a duck, a cheeky grin adorning his cheeks. He earns a smack on the shoulder.

"I'd flirt with you more, but this brain fog that comes with whatever the hell they have me on is fucked," Matthew grumbles, clinging to Connor's waist. He lets Connor do the work of drying him off, including his sopping wet hair. It feels like he just won the Stanley Cup.

"No need. I know you love me," Connor smiles. He doesn't need to be told. Being allowed in his personal space, into his life so freely, is enough.

Matthew leans into him. He doesn't touch with heat, or desperation, or lust. He just leans, chin hooked over Connor's shoulder. He radiates warmth.

It feels like a win.

#tkachuksoralcreations #hrpf #mcmatt #1997 #i got a little carried away.....#can. can you tell i love mcmatt.#can you #jamie you get me...

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loquaciousquark · 9 months

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One thing that I really appreciate about your fic is that you always have the whole thing prewritten and then you post on a regular schedule until the whole thing is out there. What made you decide to do it that way rather than post as you write? I'm currently once again waffling on just posting as I write or finishing my whole thing and then posting and it's driving me nuts!

Ahh, I'm still reeling from your lovely art! Let me try to compose myself and also try to get through the haze of cough syrup. There are four (and a half) main reasons I always finish my stuff before I start posting. I keep trying to qualify this post by saying they're personal reasons developed over many years and I don't know if they'll mean anything for anyone else, but I'm just dithering at this point, so let's get to it.

The biggest reason by far is that the pressure of knowing someone is waiting for me to write the next part is AWFUL. It's petrifying, honestly. I've only ever posted two fics as I wrote them, River Stone on the kinkmeme way back in whenever (like 2013 I think?), and Metamorphose for Thanzag last year (a three-parter with over a year between parts 2 and 3). I tried it again with Metamorphose because I thought, oh, it's been ten years since I last did this, surely I can now handle posting before finishing--NOPE. AWFUL. Every comment looking for the next part was like a little inquisitive set of eyes peering over my shoulder, and any free hobby time I spent doing other things I felt guilty about for months. Plus, I'm not quite satisfied with that last chapter even now, but the pressure of needing to get it done was stronger than my desire to hone. I hate having that pressure compromise my standards, and I won't be doing it again anytime soon. Plus, I get so much joy out of comments when I do it the other way--writing everything first and knowing that pressure to finish is gone--that the tradeoff of no comments during the writing process is beyond worth it to me. That's the selfish aspect of how I post; I want to be able to just marinate in the reactions without the pressure of trying to figure out what comes next. Yeah, this sometimes means I spend a metric ton of time writing stuff that then doesn't get a lot of feedback once I finally start posting. Ah, well, them's the breaks. I'm familiar enough by now with my creative juices that I know the next fic is just around the corner. .

I'm such a constructionist in my fics, heavily leaning on my outlines for the overall structure and framework, that I spend a lot of time after the first completed draft trying to really polish up themes, characterization, and plot from start to finish. On I think almost every major longfic I've ever written, @jadesabre301 has pointed out a serious gaping hole that needed immediate revision (occasionally very major revision) in order to get the fic to the quality I wanted it to be. I can't go back and add early scenes and theme/imagery reinforcement in chapters already posted, and if I want to make the piece as polished as possible, I need that editing freedom and flexibility. (And she needs to be able to see the whole structure of the piece to find those flaws.) Plus, if I don't force myself to write the interstitial or difficult scenes, I could very easily see myself stalling out after hitting the highlight scenes I'm excited about, and then that'd be the end of the progress. I got stuck in one place in Spire for like eight months before Jade pushed me through it, and if I'd been posting concurrently with that writing stall, I think I would have been miserable. .

I have a high tolerance for sitting down and really focusing on one project for hours at a time, and I have a job and lifestyle that allow that every now and then. I don't have kids, I have a career I'm very well established in (giving me some clear work/life boundaries and seasons when I know I'll be busy and when I know I'll have time to be creative), and I structure my free time in those periods in ways where I can write without interruption. I don't really need external impetus or praise to keep me going (in fact, as mentioned, it often makes me feel worse), so having that dedicated time lets me really sink my teeth into my projects, which makes it so much easier to reach my target goals. I also find completing and closing projects immensely personally satisfying, which helps drive that momentum during the more difficult parts of the process. .

It's important to me to finish my projects so that the stories are complete for the readers. Not just because I grew up on abandoned WIPs in the fandoms I cut my teeth on (Sailor Moon, Inuyasha, Harry Potter), either. I remember a particular author in the Inuyasha fandom named Rozefire who wrote what felt like dozens of incredible AUs that I followed religiously for years. However, she never finished more than...memory says a handful of them? And every header at the top of the new fic would talk about how she was still working on the previous one, but after several months I realized that as soon as that new fic went up, the previous one would never see another chapter. I still loved everything she wrote and I still devoured every word, but there were several things I desperately wanted to see completed, and I have so many dusty memories of sifting through those fics for updates every few weeks, pining for any little crumb, haha. I'm able to complete my projects and it's important to me to do so for the sake of any readers, so it's something I make a priority when I write. .

(really 4.5) Not finishing my projects makes me mentally unhappy. It doesn't destroy my mood or anything, but it becomes a persistent itch that poisons all my other hobbies, even if there aren't any comments looking forward to the next chapter. In some ways the ending of that de-aging Fenris/Hawke fic I wrote a million years ago where the story demands a conclusion was a veritable autobiography. There's a reason that of my, uh...63 works on AO3, the only ones not fully completed are the two WIPs I'm currently posting (which are completely written) and the two oneshot/ficlet collections. Those collections have been lifesavers as well in that they are homes for my little orphan ficlets, which also pleases the ruthless organizer part of my brain. I don't like clutter; I don't like tangled wires; I don't like untucked sheets or piles of abandoned craft projects or rooms of untamed chaos. I look at a lot of those cozy little cottagecore aesthetic posts and I honestly just want to straighten everything to right angles and buy them coasters and set up bookshelves so they can clean up the space. I used to organize my parents' VHS collection every summer--we had a spreadsheet with titles and reference numbers that went into the 500s. Finishing fics fits into the same space in my head; when they're finally done I can at last put the lid on the box and put it labelled neatly on the rack with all the rest of the boxes and I can mentally release it from my list of things to think about on the daily. (Which is, incidentally, the main reason I only work on one project at a time; too many open and cluttered boxes = a very unhappy me.)

Anyway! This was a very long answer about a very personal process, and I hope there's some part of it useful to you in some way! <3 At the end of the day, you'll have to decide your posting schedule for yourself based on the things that are important to you. There's no wrong way to do it--it's only whatever makes you happy and keeps you writing! <3<3<3

#quark replies #alta et astra #long post for ts #someone tell me if i need to cut this #i am so tired #and have been working on this reply off and on for hours #i have no idea if this hangs together in any possible way #but it's what works for me! <3 #writing: other

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doyouthinkimenjoyingthis · 3 months

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Sept 19, 2015

My mom's mission when I was in elementary was to find me friends. She would enroll me in academies, befriend mother who has the same kids same age as mine. She'd encourage me to go to Sunday schools and is actually a cult and the church leader Apollo Quiboloy is a shady, trafficking guy. Didn't meet the guy but my friend Frances Jean and her family watches the channel. I couldn't stand even 10 minutes of the program. I am catholic and I like the whole sacramental processes of the mass. The Sunday school went on only for a year. It was fun it wasn't like we are indoctrinated to do some religious shit it's just normal catholic shit. But we weren't allowed to carry a rosary. I have a rosary with me which was a gift that I've gotten from a nun when I was christened at 6.

LIn the morning, there's a morning mass. The kids are separate as not to disturb the adults. All the adults are inside this hall in Lucban Elementary School. They don't come out until five. While we kids, we have all the fun. The rides are free so mom didn't bother driving or dropping me off.

My friend Frances and I have this closer relationship. She has a unique condition. For her age, she has white hair. I just searched about it and it's Vitiligo according to google. Didn't read much. She was bullied for it off course and being called a grandma but I guess she wasn't bothered anymore by it or she just got used to it. Because she seems really strong or resilient. I'm a sensitive child, I wouldnt last that.

Anyway, in this church, I've known kids who have very troubled childhood like we only discuss those in abnormal psychology kind of troubled. One of them, I went to school with her younger brother.

She told us her story about how she is abused by her father.

DSWD has taken actions already but I felt weird about that because I don't refute it's true. Sometimes I can't help compare myself to that girl. We all live in the same neighborhood, we just live a little bit above. And when I come out of my house, I look at every person living their lif , acting nicely, smiling--unknown to me thy have nasty little sins. Unforgivable. Inhumane.

And you know whats the funniest part is itcan be someone closer to me. The worst part is you could have stopped it. You actually have the right tools and connections to do so but you can't because you didn't know enough.

Frances lives in the same neighborhood as me. Yes in a subdivision too but not all subdivision are bougie. Frances and her family of 5 children, her mom works in a government agency Department of Something-- a professional but like she gets pregnant every year. The father not sure he seems normal. But he was kinda funny weird especially during my glow and grow as a teen.

All men except my father and brother in laws are funny weird to me while growing. I know why and it's giving me hibby jibbies .

I've been hanging out with them since I was a kid. But they all live in this one bedroom apartment basement in the in law's building. I didn't think of it as weird back then. I didn't think I was lucky that I got my own room and that my parents are very particular about personal space and privacy.

It has no windows. My dad didn't want me hanging out with them because he doesn't want me to pick up "squatter habits" as he points out. I don't think he's being matapobre but what he meant is he doesn't want me to pick habits that they have like imagine being in the slums-- noisy and stuff, swearing and fighting, drugs, alcohol.

Frances would tell me things that would hint that something is wrong in the family.

Living in a one bedroom apartment is already one of them. I told you about my father's job and he says that small houses am with no privacy encourages child abuse.

I still sleep beside my parents up until I was 5. I had my own room but when Roxanne and Ronaliza was adopted I shared the room with all fourofnus. As family especially stormy seasons, we still like to sleep in one bed, sharing body heat and scary stories. But we all have our rooms. I had to share mine with Roxy and Ronnie when my sister Sally movrd out because dad says she's already 16 and needs her own privacy. The three of us 9 year olds are stuck in a bunk bed and one bed.

I mean what sthe point of that segue as that I can't imagine being that many in that four walls that is too small. Our room is even bigger than that. I mean we do that we sleep altogether occasionally I just can't imagine me being in her situation.

We have a big house with the rest rooms. My parents have their own bathroom.

We have a wide space so we don't get to look at each other the whole time. Imagine being that many and wherever you go whatever you do you you will see them in every angle tests sick

One time Frances told me that her mother was so angry that she made her sleep outside. It was February. She slept in a 5 inch wide bench just enough to accommodate her very thin body.

It was a punishment.

One time when I was 13, I slept outside to punish my parents. Make them feel guilty.

I would see these purple marks around her neck and wrists but she would hide it.

I shared food with her because she wasn't fed. She has no lunch and her lunch money was 20 pesos which wasn't going to buy a decent one.

So I tell my mom to put more and my mother is more than happy too. Until she learned about it because the teacher said that I'm very nice girl because I share my lunch.

Mom was mad and told the kid directly notto ask food from me and thinks Frances is using me.

She made her under the list of friends I am bit allowed t hangout with. So she enrolled me in a judo class Soni won't go to Sunday school.

I remained friends with Frances against my mother's wish which is funnily against her wish to because she wanted me to be friends with her in the first place since we are neighbors, goes to the same school, loves cartoons and books, and that her grandma is a doctor. Frances grandma is also our kagawad and we often come along for the campaigns.

So anyway, until we were in Grade 5, I still hear about this mini abuses of her mother. By that time we've got our menses. I had mine in January 2006 and she got hears before we started Grade 5.

I would hear how his father is weirdly affectionate of her. But I've never thought of it as something bad which afain--irony.

By Grade 6 I had other friends-- the kind of friends my mother wanted for me. Come from a nice family, middle to upper class, high achievers and plays ay least one musical instrument.

W ehave kind of separated but we hangout when watching anime together at 5:00.

By the end of our elementary, she was given money and pleaded me t hang out before we separate schools. I didn't want to because her life is so tragic and i dont want to hear anymore of the abuses or grooming she is getting from her parents.

So we went out chaperoned by her creepy dad to the cinema and watched a very traumatic movie Bridge to Tabitha. Then had some buttered chicken after.

She has gone into special sports program IN city high Andi went into special sciences in UB. I was friends with Jimmy then, and she couldn't understand why I'm friends with her.

I'm friends with the people my mother dislikes. And I'm enemies with people my mother likes and I had to endure.

Maybe I really am a trashy person. I'm not supposed to be well adjusted Buti know now the reason why. I'm queer and I'm into different and more interesting people.

So anyway we were talking the three of us while I learn how to sortmy laundry in our laundry space upstairs.

Frances is helping me how because I don't know how to do laundry.

She said she's going to her aunt and she's going to Davao to serve Christ.

I know that Frances has once dreamed being a nun. She was just like me who has the kind of devoton to God except that I am abit skewed and she's not.

Whenever reproductive system comes up, she tells us that she'll enter the sisterhood not the kind of sisterhood in travelling pants.

Our science teacher would point out that girls would say that off course due to fear of sex, pregnancy and childbirth. On a side note, she claims that we are just saying that now that most of us will be mothers.

Just one of us will become a mother superior.

But in Christian sectz, there's no vocation such as being a priest and a nun.

I was confused and it's not even a real church. Because Apollo Quiboloy is a big fatliar I know.

Because my soeciall talent is sniffing bullshit.

So it was our goodbye.

"Paano volleyball mo?"

I asked

She said she'll still fo volleyball.

I've learned years later the truth from a neighbor, DVD auntie (because she hoards DVDs and we borrow from her) about what is happening

It devastated me because she's been telling me but i didn't help her. At first I didn't know why I was so angry hut I realized it's because of that.

I think that these has just been stories to me just like how my father's cases ee just cases. They are just stories. It's like you cant feel sorry for a movie because it's not real.

And I theorize that swhy bad things happen a lot and worse it gets normalized because good people doesn't do anything.

After Frances left with no contact whatsoever, I moved to different schools. I encounter many of these shocking stories that people are supposed to be in jail for.

But you know when you get thisnkun of stories you don't think about going to the police station to report it. You listen and thinks having this secret or knowingsomethign illegal is cool.

So I stay away and notform attachments so I don't need to know.

Should I have reported it or done something. I have no power or energy.

I stepped into the City High and the students' stories are heartbreaking. The you hear more stories involving even adults who are supposed to protect you because we still are children and are powerless. So when a friend told me this story about her cousin involved with an elderly teacher we were both about to puke. But did we do anything? No. We just stood there in disgust and gossip. At least she didn't laugh about it because I neighborhoods thats what I hear they will year you down spread gossip but won't do anything about it.

But we didn't. We talked about it at night (she was my nanny) and express disgust. Because,the man is 50 something and we sorta mock and imagine the kind of sex they are having. Like imagine fucking a grandpa.

It's awful and disgusting. My mom if you know that Tv5 program SE likeswatching it because of this unbelievable drama that are so trashy squatter like and happens to most Filipinos. She sees the struggle of others as entertainment. Lives of Filipinos are really juicy. And gossip is one real serotonin trigger.

But what Ive learned from my friend Frances shit happens to everyone.

Evil things happens not only in certain communities, classes, educational or socio cononomicak backgrounds. It can happen to the closest ones.

I've closed my doors to any other human attachments and that was a tme I struggle with faith. I stopped being friends with these bougie friends.

I remained a few I share interests with but not too close. It's almost out of duty.

And speaking of Faith that how things changed for me.

Another person to the list my mom don't want me to be friends with.

When I grew out going to academies, dad starts bringing me sports clubs like tennis, golf and squash to enhance my physiquenand social skills but it's actually where you can find a suitable boyfriend and potential rich husband. Someone's who's already rich.

My mother said "never marry for potential."

I believed her. All my sister's did believe that and that's why they delayed dating until they are established and went from dating to marry and snagged decent husbands. Five of my sister's married youngmen actually so it's not applicable.

Julie married her own student. That's classic grooming.

Now I'm going to exit for a while-- I used to go to this DEPED school near our house because most of my friends in the neighborhood go there.

But in just a year of staying there, many shit happened. Child abuses, drama, suicide, spirit possessions and mean teachers. So my mom was horrified and found a nicer school.

Yes just a year. I also entered a local quiz completion hosted by RPn. Can't remember anyway.

She stopped setting me up with friend when I was 13. She realized I'm having my own personality and that I will choose my own friends noatter how she hates it. She was healing from surgery.

Jimmy was my only friend and Eunice.

We spend time watching DVDs and singing and dancing to Britney Spears. Their moms are cool. My mom wasn't and doesnt like it but it's what I wanted.

When I transferred to City High when I was 14, I cried because my friend is going back t Manila. A really good friend turned out she's my crush.

She gave me money so I can join in the goodbye party.

She doesn't get angry when I'm drunk. But she breathes in and out. She knew I was having problem with my faith and she's really worried about me going the bad wayn

I continue to have bad friends bit it barely turned me bad.

I told you-- I'm more of an observer. A voyeur. It's like watching Tv.

My mom since then met all my friends even those from the church service off course and she was glad that I'm in touch with spirituality.

And Constant is there but then he died.

My mother told me that life is an elevator. Whether you go down or up, people leave.

I never thought it has affected me. Because the following years creating new bonds became really different.

It's like I cant anymore.

When I turned in college since I'm not a cool girl, I asked my mother a lot of money for books and a laptop. That's all I've been doing. No friendships except for Hollmae and a few.

She met them and is satisfied that's found my own tribe. I think my mom is a successful parent through med. S e made me trust her. She made me be the rgin anymore. And when I told her whom I lost it, she's not even half surprised. She got hurt off course but she accepted it.

Parents usually look at their kids as still their little angel who is innocent and they think they can't do antyhing that seems bad.

Mom never looked at me as if I don't deserve to be treated like a baby anymore.

Nothing d

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servin-up-surveys · 8 months

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survey #182

When was the last time you admired some flowers? What kind/color were they? Recently; they were white crape myrtles.

Are you in the process of watching or re-watching a series at the moment? I could never, ever picture myself rewatching a whole series ever again, you can barely get me to sit through a new one, but Girt and I are working on The Rain for the first time.

If so, how many seasons does it have? And what season are you currently on? There are three right now, and we're on two.

Has anyone you know gotten a new pet recently? Yes, my sister Misty's family adopted a corgi (I can't remember her name), and I think someone I shot pictures for once recently got a panther chameleon because she's been posting quite a few videos with him.

How old were you 10 years ago? Who were your closest friends at that point? 17, yeesh. Ten whole years ago... Jason was my boyfriend and closest friend, then there was Summer, Hannia, Girt, Alon, Maria, Megan...

Do you still speak to any of them? Summer and I talk/see each other sometimes because she's actually part of my sister's inlaws' family, Girt and I are together, and Megan and I sometimes interact over Facebook, but we don't really talk, I also have Alon on there, but she barely touches it so we don't really talk either.

Have you ever kissed someone of another race? I mean my boyfriend's father was pure Native American, but despite the fact he doesn't visibly display any traditional traits whatsoever, it'd be incorrect to say he's totally Caucasian.

Are there any races you wouldn't kiss? No, race means exactly nothing to me with relationships.

What is your favorite thing about your best friend? He is extremely trustworthy and honest. I never feel like he's hiding something from me or sugarcoating things, but he's also gentle with me. His balance in this stuff is incredible.

What do you mostly have in common with your best friend? We're very introverted. Love video games.

Do you like it when men shave their chests? If you are a guy, do you shave? I don't care.

What is your favorite kind of video game? Horror ones, specifically psychological or survival.

When you’re visiting a site, do you still type "www."? No.

What can you hear right now? I'm watching Markiplier's Resident Evil 8 LP. Two years late, but... I'm apparently having a streak of wanting to watch his stuff again.

Do you think it’s okay for kids to have cellphones? Yes, HOWEVER I definitely support limiting screen time and gauging what they're allowed to do on there with age but especially maturity. At the very beginning, I'm all for being able to call your guardians, because that cellphone might save your baby's life in horrible situations like abductions. From there, you be the judge based on your unique child and various factors relating to them.

Do you watch anime? If so, what are some of your favorites? Yeah, they can have very interesting plots. My favorite is Fullmetal Alchemist (including the Brotherhood iteration of it, idk which I enjoy more), and I'm also fond of Ginga Densetsu Weed and Deadman Wonderland. I've seen a decent chunk of Attack on Titan and was also into it.

Do you have any siblings? If so which one of them do you get along with the best? I have six technically, but I only know five. I don't really know which one I get along with best; I feel like Katie and I have the most compatibility, but I don't feel particularly "close" to any of my siblings and I fucking hate that.

What’s your favorite TV show? And who’s your favorite character from it? Meerkat Manor is my favorite show of all time, and Mozart was my favorite character.

Have you violated any of the 10 Commandments? If so, what? Yeah; I don't give a fuck about honoring God's name or even respecting him in any way or form.

Do people think you look like either of your parents? Does that offend you? I've heard both, and no. I'll admit as a kid having someone say I looked like my dad was mildly offensive just because I was a girl and he's a man, but I certainly don't give a shit now because I know what they mean, just features.

Do you prefer regular bacon or turkey bacon? Regular, turkey bacon is gross.

Do you think it’s weird when people talk to their pets like people? No? I honestly think that's probably very healthy for the animal, and the owner too. I think it strengthens bonds, and it must certainly make the pet feel included and like family to be treated like how you treat other people.

What is the last place, other than home, that you stayed overnight? Uhhhh I feel like I haven't done that in over a year now; I'm quite sure the last time was when I was in the hospital last... March or May, whatever it was.

What is the furthest you have traveled alone? Illinois.

Have you ever dated someone simply for their looks? No.

Have you ever been drunk? No, only lightly tipsy.

What was the name of the main character in the last book you read? Blue, in the book I'm currently reading. The last book I finished, Qibli was the protagonist.

What are three of your favorite toppings for salads? Bacon bits, cucumber, and uh... that's basically it lmfao, my salads are very simple. There's too many additions I DON'T like.

Do you prefer pizza or hot dogs? Pizza.

What is your favorite pizza topping? If I could only pick one, I'd say just regular ol' pepperoni.

Is your dad a jerk? I think he's... oblivious, if anything. He doesn't TRY to be mean, he's really very funny and playful but majorly socially unfiltered. Basically, I think he's capable of being unpleasant, but it's rarely malicious. He's just an old grampa with a few screws kinda loose lol

Is anyone in your family currently in the military? No, not that I know of.

What is your favorite dog breed? Meh I always answer this with such a big list, I love so many. I have been newly very into shar peis, though. There's an Instagram one that I'm obsessed with.

Have you found any gray hairs on your head? No, that might be the day I crumble lol

Do you own a bikini? Oh hell no, I haven't since I was a teenager.

If you were a rockstar, what color guitar would you have? I want to say pink, but REALISTICALLY, I'm not sure I would. Probably mostly black, and it'd probably have skulls and/or occult-ish stuff on it.

Would you rather have a personal chef or personal house cleaner? HOUSE CLEANER.

Do you have any zits on your face right now? Ugh I have one on the upper right of my hairline right now. You can't see it unless I pull my hair back, thankfully. It's not a terrible one, at least.

What are three of your favorite bakery items? Cinnamon rolls, donuts, muffins.

What are three creative hobbies you enjoy? Writing, photography, drawing.

What are three things you like about church? I like how they look and that is literally it. Besides appearance, I only have negative shit to say about them. I grew up forced into church and will never set foot into a sermon again.

What was the last type of pie you ate? It was probably trying an apple or peach pie, I'm not a fan.

Which book did you love when you were younger? The Warriors series by S.E. Hinton was a major obsession.

Which book series could you read again? ^ I actually kinda wanna get back into that once I'm caught up in Wings of Fire, but idk, it's been so so many years that I don't even remember where I stopped, but I know I was deeeep in, so I'd hate re-reading it all. I don't re-read stuff.

Tell me about your first breakup, if you had one. I mean that *technically* woulda been with Aaron, and that was... nothing, given it was a very puppy love situation; I wasn't ready for dating yet. My first real, serious breakup was Jason, and well I tried to kill myself ultimately because of it, so-

Which person would you chose to travel the world with? I'd like it to be Girt, but realistically it would probably be my mom; my boyfriend is such a homebody, like he genuinely doesn't like vacations/traveling and I think he's insane.

Do you have (a) stuffed animal(s) sitting in your room? Which one(s)? Lots of meerkats, there's a Cheshire cat, grumpy cat, a cute lil circular bat, a random fennec fox, and my favorite plushie from childhood, a moose. I plan on trimming the numbers down though whenever I redecorate my room.

Have you ever had to do a doubletake on someone 'cuz they were so pretty? Oh I've totally done this with Alon at some point, god when I look back I can't believe I never realized THEN that my ass ain't straight lmfao

Is your last ex currently in a relationship? I have no idea, I don't keep up with her at all; even if I'm curious of how she is/what she's up to, I don't allow myself to look at any of her socials.

Who was the last female you were introduced to? ummmm I'm actually not sure? Probably a doctor, realistically.

Who was the last male you were introduced to? A family friend's friend, Larry.

Do you use a nightlight? Yeah; it's a little Saturn lamp that I can change the colors of.

What’s your opinion on border control? Look dude I don't even want borders TO exist; every single goddamn person has as much right to be on this earth in any specific location as anyone else, get the hell outta here with that "illegal human" horseshit.

What are your favorite things to create? Feral meerkat OCs.

What’s something you prefer to keep private? My sexual life.

Are you good at prioritizing? NO

If you’re not religious, were you ever? What made you lose faith? Yes, and fucking life itself. A few months back I made a massive FB post regarding why I left my faith, and in the end it really made me realize that I have bad religious wounds, maybe even trauma but I'm not 100% sure if it's to that extent. I just know I'm extremely hateful towards religions like Christianity, and it's something I actually recently broke down over because I WANT to chill out with how the very topic sets me on fucking fire; I'm never going to like faiths like those, but I want to be kinder towards their existence and just stop being SO bothered by them and other people having them. It prompted me to try to find a therapist specializing in religious trauma (didn't get far btw, thanks shitty insurance <3).

What feeling do you have the most difficulty in expressing? Envy, most likely. It makes me very uncomfortable.

When was the last time you looked at your significant other/crush’s Facebook profile? Oh jesus I'm not sure, I never look at it, really. Especially when he touches FB like, never, and never updates anything, what would even be the point?

#survey #surveys #random questions #personal questions

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allwhilewaiting · 2 years

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Hello again.

I had an interesting concept while folding laundry this evening. I though to myself that although I don't aspire to have any children, I would like to leave a legacy of my life by simply talking about it candidly. And maybe one day, a cousin or distant relative will find interest in what I have to say. Maybe my life experiences will help them in some way that I can't put my finger on in this moment...help them to feel less alone, to know that the emotional avalanche that seems to appear in the different seasons of life is not a sign of their instability, but rather just part of the human experience.

Since the last time I wrote, I've mainly been preoccupied with learning how to be a better human for my own sake; more loving toward myself, more forgiving, more clear with what it is that I need to make me feel most at peace and stable. I finally got divorced, and for that I am immensely grateful. I feel like a large weight has lifted off of my shoulders, and as such I'm remembering how blissful it feels to settle into my peace again. I no longer feel fragile...but fluid. Allowing in only what serves me, and allowing the rest to simply dissipate into the karmic cycle of existence. I have not fully processed all of the trauma of that experience, but I am no longer haunted by the anger, fear, and shame of it as I once was for a very prolonged period.

I moved to Charleston a few weeks ago (: If I can recall correctly, I wrote a post either on this platform or my phone (I'll post or repost it when I find it) about how living here was my destiny. This was possibly 2 or 3 years ago that I came to that conclusion. I remember trying to apply for jobs here but timing would have it that my destiny came true in the most magnificent and beautiful ways at this stage in my life. I love everything about living here. I feel like I was born to be here, and as God would have it I was born here for that reason I believe. I love my apartment, it's the nicest one I've ever had (though we won't talk about the expenses x) ... it's a blessing that it all worked out, truly. I had a whole car situation a week before I was scheduled to move here as well which was a disaster, but worked itself out divinely so that I could get here as the Universe designed, on time. There've been other little hiccups too with getting settled, but nothing that has derailed me from the understanding that this is quite literally the most ideal lifestyle that I've ever lived. In my dream city among all my ancestors (living and past), working from home at a job that treats me with respect, grace, and kindness in every way, and in the most loving relationship with myself and God.

I went through so much to get here...bad mistakes, bad situations, and quite frankly many times I didn't think I would make it out of those gaping holes. But I'm grateful to the Universe and my angels for holding my hand to get to this place. I'm exactly where I need to be and I feel the confirmation running through my bone marrow. Thank God for this. For this life. For this peace. For this joy. May I indulge forever in this. Ashe.

I am still taking strides to ensure that I am keeping up with the practice of self awareness, teasing apart values I hold and determining whether they serve me for the greater good of my life. So far I've determined that I am okay with not dating or concerning myself with any relational capacity for the unseen future. I can conceptualize and accept growing old un-partnered through the lens of fun, joy, and excitement. I have fully leaned into enjoying the privilege of doing things that make me happy, how I want to, when I want to, without any other considerations. What freedom! I've also as I mentioned determined that I'm perfectly fine without bearing children in this lifetime. I am also okay with not having any close friends until I find true village partners...people who I know are my non-intimate soul-mates. And I know that they are hard to find, that it will take time...I'm willing to live my life in the meantime without compromising my standards for any connection not worth pouring my time and effort (and sincerity) into. I'm no longer interested in modifying my body. I don't care what the scale says (nor do I know). So long as living in my body is a comfortable experience, I am showing myself radical love for what it looks like in the mirror.

Those are the main components of my current stage of evolution. I'm grateful, I feel like my best self, and I am breathing deeply.

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warm-starlight · 2 years

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"I feel like it’s the very fact it’s HANGE that they find unappealing" As a hardcore Hange fan this makes me so sad lol. I hate how fandom (and latest canon) treat Hange, it's like they're never enough. They tend to forget about them when people talk about the most smart snk characters, there are some horrible takes about their death and they just reduce them to an unhygienic loud soldier, which is not true at all. Even at ch 132 people found 1000 ways to interpretate their sacrifice like Hange was dealing with x syndrome and they just wanted to escape from responsabilities, but when the previous commander decided to lead his soldiers to the final battle at shiganshina, even without an arm, in an almost suicidal mission, dying in the process, he's a legend. They both decided duty, but why one is "heroic" and the other just "wanted to escape". I'm sorry, I know the whole 132 plot may not be appealing to all, myself has a bittersweet feeling till this day, but I could never imagine Hange-the same that didn't want Jean to feel responsible because Reiner escaped, the one who was with Connie after his mom was turned on a titan or the one who gave Mikasa a gentle hold- allow them to sacrifice themselves if they would be a chance they would live.

Hange has been Levi's companion for years, they read each other's mind, both of them understand each other's quirks...why is not Hange enough? Because they're not a dude? Or because they're not a cute petite soldier that makes a tea that Levi loves? Lmao.

Hange's smart, strong, they care about people (I've seen people still trapped on Ilse's diary saying that hange doesn't care about soldiers), is kind, they're curious...I wish people would see them in a kinder light, they are/were an important piece on the SC. Even though I've seen people thanking Hange for being a badass after saving Levi aka fans favorite, I wish they would give Hange more credit for everything they've done.

This rant was longer than I thought, I'm sorry, please don't feel pressure to answer this word vomit haha.

No, i agree with everything you said!

I feel like WIT studio is partly to blame though. Manga Hange has so many different sides to them while Hange in the first 3 seasons was reduced almost entirelly to their "mad scientist" self. People latched onto it and and can't let go.

The OVA Ilse's notebook especially did them a disservice by turning them into a reckless idiot. 🙄

Also the whole "Hange hates bathing" spin on them by the fandom makes me cringe. They don't *hate* it. They simply get so overworked they forget for weeks.

#snk #aot #hange defense squad #hanji zoe #hanji #hange #anonymous

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the-paris-of-people · 3 years

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Hi. This is really not a question but more of a rant. A really really long one. I apologize in advance. I honestly care waaaaayyyy too much about this show than I should. Clearly too bored🙈.

After reading people's comments on this show and the ships, there are so many things that irk me and I thought I'd share even if I might get crap for it. So here goes:

1. "Ben only wants Devi when she is with Paxton." I.e. it's about Paxton. Lol people are funny. As though Ben thinks he can compete with Paxton on a social level. He's not stupid, he knows full well he can't. It's about Devi and in part her obsession with Paxton. People don't like thinking about things from Ben's perspective because they just don't like him. He's the one that finds out Devi is cheating, she runs after Paxton at the party ( now granted before she runs out, she's intensely staring at Ben and then realises Paxton is leaving but Ben's not gonna remember that) and she was busy chumming it up with Paxton in episode 3 in front of Ben with absolute disregard for him. So his natural defence is to guard himself and have his walls go up. It is a valid response. He burries his pain (exactly what Samberg said). And does not let his guard down around her romantically until episode 10 when Paxton literally rejects her at school. At the school dance, sparks are flying between those 2. Is Paxton around at the time...Uhm no (I'll get into the whole Aneesa thing). In his mind Paxton is out of the picture and it's like he can almost trust her again. And then when Paxton shows up with Devi, he basically feels like a fool for ever thinking that he was ever something more than 2nd best or sometimes anything at all ( especially considering Devi still wants Paxton after Devi and Paxton's last public interaction that Ben witnessed- I mean he does not get to see the shit behind closed doors). But then when Eleanor spills the tea, that look on his face is disbelief, yes a little bit of jealousy but overwhelmingly heartbreak. He is essentially watching the chance he never knew he had go away. Now you could argue that he should have known that she wanted him back but she broke his trust and does not explicitly say, " I want you back". Ben's not trying to get burnt again based on some assumption/hunch. He has been wrong before.

2. "How dare Ben be upset that Devi is with Paxton when he is with Aneesa". Fair point. Just like how dare Devi be upset and lose her shit over Ben and Aneesa. But yet it still happend. Devi gets 5 episodes allowing her to be upset and Ben can't even have one moment when a firkken bomb gets dropped on him.

Aneesa and Ben should have never date. Everyone knows that. He was never over Devi. He just pushed those feelings down to make him believe he was over her. I obviously don't agree with this. Aneesa doesn't deserve that. Ben needs to go to therapy. He needs an outlet. He is similar to Devi in that he doesn't want to process what happened and would rather move on and react. However, his reactions are far less impulsive/severe as Devi's. Him dating Aneesa is unfortunately a reaction. He didn't give himself time to really process how he feels. People say he dated Aneesa solely to spite Devi which is not true. Is there an element of " you never wanted me but someone else does"... absolutely but Aneesa is also very kind to Ben, they get along really well and she puts him first. Technically what's not to like. I mean if it was just to spite Devi, could he have not tried to hustle his way back in with Shira?? Problem is that dumb dumb didn't work through his Devi feelings and let's just be honest, the same spark and chemistry he has with Devi, is missing with Aneesa. It often feels forced, especially in regards to the pace of the relationship. I so wished Aneesa remained friends with Ben. That's what he needed...not another relationship.

3. "Aneesa is so amazing, she doesn't deserve to get hurt." I agree. She absolutely doesn't deserve to get hurt just like Ben and Paxton didn't deserve that crap Devi pulled. I think Aneesa is a great addition and I like that Devi has someone within her community to connect to. I'm South Asian myself and I genuinely value this aspect of my own life. I mean she is pretty great, kind and the anorexia rumour Devi unintentionally started was pretty heartbreaking. That scene where she talks to Devi at the relay about it, is so sad (especially coz we as viewers know Devi messed up). Now that being said is Aneesa also low key shady? YES. And it's not because she dated her friend's ex. It's because she started dating him knowing that Devi started the rumour about her because she was jealous about Ben and her. How does she think Devi would go from being so jealous that she starts a rumour, to the next week becoming their biggest "Stan". Come on girl. But there was no way Devi could say no after the crap she pulled with Aneesa. Ben did ask her out so if there is blame, he absolutely gets it too but he didn't know why Devi started that rumour (based on his surprised AF face when Eleanor spills the tea). Which leads me to my next question. Why didn't Aneesa tell him? Aneesa said Ben was supporting her through the rumour. She probably told him Devi started the rumour but didn't tell him why? That is odd? Clearly if Ben had known, he may changed his perspective on Devi actually wanting him instead of ignoring his feelings.

Lastly Aneesa knows there are unresolved feelings between Devi and Ben. This is evident from that dance scene. She literally runs to cut in their pretty intense conversation. Like why you running girl? I didn't think much of it at first but coupled with another moment, it makes a lot of sense. When Ben agrees to dance with Aneesa, he looks back at Devi and lingers and Aneesa picks up on this and pulls him away. It's a blink and you will miss it moment but it is there.

Now all of this doesn't mean she needs to get hurt but they probably need to break up. Ben needs to be single for a while and work through how he feels about Devi, Aneesa and most importantly himself. Whilst I don't particularly enjoy their relationship, you never get to see it from either of their perspectives. Maybe that could change things but honestly I just prefer Ben and Devi.

Also can everyone stop acting like Ben is dating Devi's best friend. Being brown doesn't make you automatically best friends and Ben and Devi met Aneesa the same week. People are acting like he is dating Eleanor.

4. "Devi chose Paxton". Please! The only thought through decision that girl made in regards to these 2 boys is when she chose herself and decided not to be Paxton's little secret. I mean in episode 1 and 2 she can't decide so she dates both. In episode 3, she interacts with Paxton because of the whole tutoring thing. He says they don't makes sense. While she seems a bit sad she doesn't seem too upset like she is season 1 and she isn't looking for any opportunity to spend time with him (unlike season 1). Episode 4,5,6,7 and 8 she is losing her mind over Ben. Half way through 8 she knows she has no choice but to let him go. But even after that she doesn't pursue Paxton. He does that at the end of episode 9 when in all honesty she hasn't really thought about him in a while. Then of course Paxton does what he does and she finally choose herself, issuing an ultimatum essentially. Paxton does eventually show up...but it's a choice by default. She just yo-yo's between them. She also needs to be single, deal with her loss, love herself and think about what she wants.

5. "Devi loves Paxton". Sure bud. Does have Devi have feeling for Paxton? Duh! But is it love. Nope. People like to confuse infatuation for love. She has been infatuated with this boy this the 3rd (she knew squat about him). When her dad died, she turns that infatuation into an obsession. It like becomes a full time hobby in season 1. She ruins relationships over it. In season 2 you can argue there is more depth to it and Paxton does grow in Season 2. But somehow she is still fixated on the fact that it's Paxton Hall-Yoshida. I mean she smells him (totally normal), Mc Enroe's comment at the relay was, "did this hunk of beef just say he likes spending time with her", when she breaks up him she says , "you are very good at kissing" not possibly any of his other good qualities. And at the end she says , "I guess I'm Paxton Hall Yoshida's girlfriend now". This boy is so far up a pedestal that if he fell of it, he'd break something. Now granted if he fell of it in Season 1, he'd be dead. So progress I guess...

Maybe the relationship will change in Season 3 and she genuinely falls in love with him. I mean Id be sad but obviously a real possibility. But also that relationship needs to move on from being just the "Paxton project" which it was basically all of season 2. Maybe actually talk about her every once in a while.

Also people who find the ending so amazing because he shows up...bare minimum bro. I understand his perspective, how does it look to go back with someone who cheated on you. Fair point 💯. However she didn't start this shit up again. He did. He liked her so much that he had to make out with her In the middle of the night out of the blue but not enough to respect her publically. That's some BS right there. If he started it, he should have thought it through instead of guilt tripping her. But he is a teenager and ALL of them make incredibly stupid decisions (we all have). Devi messed up big time too and she apologized. The same compassion must extend to him but in no way is it a grand gesture, it's the bare minimum...like her apologies

6. "Paxton forgave Devi forgave Devi so quickly whilst Ben didn't and was so mean". He did forgive her pretty quickly. Good for him. However let's not act like circumstance didn't carve the way for that. They were pushed together because of the whole tutoring thing and he knows that they have to see each other all the time. So logically just makes sense to keep the peace. But still mature oh his part. Also he wasn't as emotionally invested as Ben. Did he have feelings? Yes. However, based on his inner monologue (Gigi Hadid) his ego took more of a hit because how could Devi, the "weirdest girl" he ever liked two time him with Ben Gross. Did his feelings deepen by the end? Yes. But at the start...it isn't that deep.

Also it's great and all that he "forgave" her so quickly but he sure did like bringing it up a lot. Like at the relay guilting her, upset at the end of 6 because he failed...I mean wtf girl you owe me- I don't really care what else is going on in your life, again in episode 8 in the car and finally we all know the mess that is episode 10.

In regards to Ben. His anger is justified for reasons stated in point 1. In fact his reaction seems more real because he is deeply hurt by Devi. Do I like some of his reaction (i.e. nose piercing-will discuss this further) ...nope but she only sincerely apologises to him in episode 8 vs 3 for Paxton. He accepts it. People acting like they would be so calm and chill about being cheated on. And yes he did cheat on Shira. He tries to kiss Devi at party twice but apologises that day and the following week. He doesn't try anything with Devi the whole of episode 10 until she kisses him. He acknowledges that it was wrong and immediately breaks up with Shira. Although cheating is not something we should condone can we actually acknowledge that Shira was the worst and doesn't even remember Ben's name. Compare that to Devi's premeditated cheating. Her Eleanor are literally laughing at how amazing they are for pulling it off and Devi didn't care about either of their feelings cause she was going to be India. Sorry but that is far worse. She also thinks she can bullshit her apology with Ben. He isn't here for that...which is fine! He kept trying his level best to avoid her but even that she wouldn't let him do.

7. "Ben is Horrible". Has Ben done some shitty things. Absolutely. People complain that he has never apologised for anything. Fair enough. He needs to apologize for the UN comment and the psychosomatic comment. It was incredibly hurtful. However, no one does call him out of it. Now you could argue he should just do it. Please... have you watched these particular set of teenagers? None of them apologise without being called out on it first(except maybe Fabiola). And you only get called out my your support system ... which Ben does not have. He practically looks like he raised himself. He doesn't have parents to put him back in line or a sister to call him out on his shit. Devi has her mom, cousin, grandmum , Elanor, Fabiola and her therapist. Does she ever listen to them the first time? Nope. And her first time apologies are such messes. She only gets it right the 2nd or 3rd time. All of them have some form of support but not really him. And it is heartbreaking. It's why I genuinely believe he needs to go to therapy. He needs an outlet to express everything he feels. He also needs to be held accountable for those comments and understand the root of it (ok let's be honest Devi even in their rivalry was probably the most constant person in his life, and fighting with her meant she stayed close by- it's a subconscious thing). He should apologize to her and also find better ways to communicate what he is feeling. The nose ring thing was manipulative. I agree. He should apologize. But I'm not gonna lie, it doesn't piss me off as much because I think it's pretty messed that it took that for her to realise how much she hurt him. Also tbh if you were willing to alter your body on a 2 minute thought out dare, you wanted to do it anyway. But again not a healthy way to emote on Ben's part. The David thing doesn't upset me because he knows how to pronounce her actual name. It's not like he doesn't know how and doesn't bother to try. It was part of their rivalry to irritate her. I honestly find it quite endearing as part of their friendship and think Devi does. I may be wrong and she may not like it and in that case he needs to stop and apologize.

I am not upset by him coming over to her house and calling her out about Aneesa. She deserved it. Also if she was that uncomfortable she could have taken him outside to talk like she did with Paxton. She is clearly comfortable enough to have him in the house. And her therapist agrees with Ben. If he hadn't, she wouldnt have known that Aneesa was leaving. Her mom took away her phone. And even then her first attempt at an apology was soooooo bad. And I don't think Ben did it solely to get Aneesa to stay so he could date her. This is Ben, he was willing to do long distance with Devi from India, I think he could have done the same with Aneesa from like the same town 🙄

I genuinely like Ben because he is a good kid. He makes mistakes like they all do. His personality is hilarious to watch but also his and Devi's relationship is so special. Me liking Ben and Devi has nothing to do with what Paxton has or has not done. I just like the dynamic between the two. They obviously care deeply for each other. Their conversations are hilarious. I love their banter. I love how comfortable they are with each and am sometimes surprised by the depth of their conversations. But also they have amazing chemistry. All the jealous looks and angst are between these two idiots pining for each other. I think she does have chemistry with Paxton but it's more because he is PHY, school Adonis. I mean let's be honest, he'd probably have chemistry with Fabiola solely cause he is PHY. The two nerds just match each other and it's so funny how often they are in sync. It's honestly adorable. They just get each other. That bathroom scene was the sweetest thing and also proves he's not this terrible person. She only comes out of the stall because of his support. He is genuinely hurt for her when technically it should have been a great moment for him.

I do believe the two have to be single for a bit before admitting their feelings for one another and moving forward. That's why my main thing for season 3 is that he absolutely cannot interfere in her relationship with Paxton. He needs to give her the space to figure that. Do I think there will be moments between them... absolutely but no cheating please. Everyone needs to move on from that. If they do it...I honestly think il be done with the show.

Anyways sorry for the really long ramble. If you made it to the end thanks for your patience 😌

Thank you for this beautiful masterpiece, I pretty much agree with everything and need to put it out there for the world to see

#im obsessed with benvi and yall KNOW it #ben x devi #thanks for the response i was soooo entertained while reading it #never have i ever

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meetmeatthecoda · 3 years

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Lately, I've found myself drawn to stories ( and I mean drawn to as in envisioning those stories in my head, thinking them through to the very last detail, not reading, let alone writing them down, because I've long since accepted that they will never turn out quite the same on the paper ) where Red is the one who'd been seriously hurt and, therefore, rendered unconscious for an indefinite amount of time and worried Liz is the one who doesn't leave his side, hoping and praying and pleading that he would wake up. Probably, something that has to do with how unfair it is that we've seen Red keep vigil by hurt!Lizzy's side – playing music for her, holding her hand, reading to her etc. – a number of times and yet, over the course of 8 seasons, never have ever been allowed the pleasure of seeing Liz do the same for him ( not even when he was shot – because she left to retrieve the Fulcrum and couldn't come back until the fight was over – or when he was poisoned – because she'd been waiting to be cleared to see him and he ran away the moment he wasn't actively dying, because that's Red for you all ), even though she loves and cares about him as much as he loves and cares about her.

I mean, just imagine the possibilities!

Liz pacing around the waiting area of Red's mobile hospital while he's in surgery, unable to think about anything else other than how he looked – battered and broken and barely alive – when they've found him and how his head rested in her lap ( she could almost convince herself that he was merely dozing, if he wasn't so deathly pale and still and there wasn't so much blood on his clothes and her clothes and her hands and the backseat of the car ) and his hand was limp in her death grip as they rushed him to his doctors and she whispered words of reassurance and encouragement to him even though she knew he couldn't hear her and how she had to fight the instinct to curl around her lover and snarl at anyone who would come close because she can't let him be hurt further as the medics took him away from her, exchanging observations and orders that didn't sound particularly reassuring. She's also acutely aware of the fact that Red is fighting for his life – there, just a few feet away from her – and, though he's the strongest man she's ever known, he may not win, and so she makes a promise to the empty air in front of her that she will kill him herself if he dares to give up on her and Agnes like that now, when they've just reached the good, right place in their relationship, just confesses their feelings to each other. At some point, Dembe most certainly pulls Liz in for a hug, letting her cry in his shoulder, doing his best to comfort her ( even though there's nothing that can bring her more comfort than Red's hug, when he – alive and whole – wraps his arms protectively around her and holds her close and lets her hide from the whole world in his arms, his chest, his shoulder and neck – wherever she prefers to burrow her face at the time – and the memory itself makes her cry harder, because there's a possibility that he will never hug her like that again ), even though he's just as worried and scared as she is, and Mr Kaplan helps Liz clean up, washing away Red's blood from her hands and producing seemingly out of the thin air fresh clothes for her to change into.

Red, of course, pulls through the surgery, beating all odds, and Liz's heart floods with relief at the good news before sinking when the doctor explains to her and Dembe and Mr Kaplan the extent of Red's injuries and that it's impossible to say when – or even if – he wakes up.

And so the waiting game begins. Liz doesn't leave Red's side, holding his hand, stroking his knuckles with her thumb and never letting go, constantly talking to him and reading to him and even asking Dembe to bring the record player and some records from the Bethesda apartment to play to him, hoping that it would elicit some kind of response from him. Yet, as they days go by, there's not a single, smallest sign that he's aware of anything that's going on around him, that he's still there somewhere and is trying to find his way back to her, to them – he doesn't stir, doesn't so much as flutter his eyelashes, and Liz grows more desperate with each passing day, even though the doctor assures her that Red's slowly but surely improving ( but she can't see it with her own eyes, and if she can't see it, she's less likely to believe it, the more time passes with him just lying there, undisturbed by the loud, chaotic world around him ).

And then there's Agnes... While Liz keeps vigil at Red's bedside, the babysitting duties are split equally between Aram and Samar, Charlene and Cooper, Ressler and Audrey and Dembe and Mr Kaplan. Yet more often than not whoever picks little Agnes up from school and / or her ballet classes brings her over to the safe-house where Liz and Red are. She doesn't seem to be as unnerved by Red's state as her mommy is, climbing on his bed each time she visits ( after giving her mommy the biggest hug, of course ) and leaning in close to him, examining his face thoughtfully before half-asking, half-stating "He's still tired, mommy?". And Liz usually replies with a hoarse "Yes, baby" because she doesn't trust herself not to get choked up if she tries to answer more eloquently. Agnes simply nods then, satisfied with the explanation why he hasn't woken up yet, and settles against Red's side – mindful of his injuries and the spider web of wires and tubes connecting him to all sorts of monitors and machines – and either naps ( especially, on ballet classes days ) or tells her mommy and Red ( she talks to him just like Liz does much too easily – promising him to show him the new moves she's learnt when he wakes up etc. – as if she's already done that before or seen anyone else do that... unbeknownst to Liz, she did both – when Liz herself was in a coma, Agnes both saw Red talk to her mommy and was encouraged by him to talk to her, too, because it may help her mommy sleep easier and maybe she'll get better sooner and finally wake up ) about her day or does her homework or draws ( more often than not, she draws either cards for Red to read when he wakes up or just things she wants him to see ). And when the time comes for her to leave, she always kisses Red on the cheek, wishing him "sweet dreams" and to get better soon, and then gives her mommy, who tries so very hard not to tear up but fails miserably, a hug and a kiss, too, and tells her frequently that she shouldn't cry because Red is just too tired, just like she – Liz – once was, and that he just needs to sleep a bit more.

And when the door behind Agnes closes and Liz is sure her daughter won't see / hear her, she breaks down hard, in big, ugly sobs, because her little girl shouldn't be acting so naturally in this kind of situation and because she wishes so hard that Red just woke up, because she can't do this, any of this, without him.

In the end, once his body has healed itself enough and he regained enough of his strength, Red, of course, does wake up. It's a slow process, and Liz thinks she might either faint or go mad from the overwhelming feelings that are swirling inside of her when Red moves for the first time in what seems to her like forever – squeezing her hand feather-lightly – and when he leans slightly, unconsciously into her touch when she strokes his cheek – out of habit, without even expecting any sort of reaction from him and being pleasantly surprised – and when he opens his eyes for the first time – it's a brief occurrence, with his eyes slipping shut tiredly again after just a few moments, and he's still pretty much out of it, apparently, not even noticing her presence by his side, but for Liz it's a major event – and when he finally, finally looks directly at her – alive and conscious and alert – and calls her "Lizzy". He's still weak and his voice sounds terrible and Liz knows she shouldn't let all of her pent-up feelings – the fear and despair and frustration and love and relief and exhaustion – out on him like that – he's just woken up, after all – but she can't hold back the tears nor the jumbled mess of "thank you"s and "I love you"s and " "I've missed you"s and "I'm so so happy you're back" and "I was so worried" and "Don't ever scare me like that again" that spills from her lips as she leans in to kiss him lightly and give him the gentlest of hugs...

(Since I'm not a ficwriter and, therefore, have no intentions of using this pile of ideas/images/feelings myself, I wouldn't mind at all if you or any other writer drew inspiration from this rambling of mine)

Ahhhhh 😭😭😭 Are you sure you're not a fic writer, anon?? Cause this reads like some quality hurt/comfort to me!! 🥲🥲 Honestly, this is a lovely scenario to imagine & it gives me a slightly bitter sense of satisfaction to think of Liz suffering through just a fraction of the time Red spent by her side while she was in her coma... especially if it's the catalyst for fEeLiNgS to emerge tee hee bc, you're RIGHT, we were woefully deprived of those situations in the show & I'll never not be sad about it tbh. More specifically, things I love the most about this in no particular order: Liz having to "fight the instinct to curl around her lover & snarl" *swoon*, Liz swearing she will kill him herself if he dies LMAO, Dembe hugging her for comfort & Mr. Kaplan helping her get cleaned up 🥺🥺🥺, Liz playing records for Red yasss, AGNES & everyone taking turns babysitting her while she misses her Daddy desperately but deals with the situation with a maturity & grace beyond her years in an effort to help her grieving Mommy through it cool cool mkay mkay, Liz only breaking down once Agnes leaves OWWW, anddddd Liz being a blubbering mess when Red finally wakes up & calls her "Lizzie" & they kiss *whispers* it's fine, i'm fine 🙃 IN CONCLUSION, I love this anon, thank you for sharing this lovely little AU with me!! 🥰 And much, much love to you, of course, my friend!! ❤️

#The Blacklist #Lizzington #Agnesgate #thoughts #headcanons #mine #ask #anon #ughhhhhhhh #this mini fic is packed with feels #and punched me right in the face #thank you for this gift anon #:')#much love!!#<3

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starship-imzadi · 3 years

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S5 E12 Violations

This opening immediately brings to mind the "repressed memories" craze in psychology in the 1980's and 1990's. The "fad" has since become regarded as incredibly harmful and dangerous as human memory can be quite malleable and undependable. A lot of people were treated to believe they had repressed memories of horrible abuse and sexual trauma in their childhoods, made horrible accusations, for events that never actually happened. Not only do these fabrication create real trauma and ruin relationships, they also delegitimize the actual trauma and abuse others have suffered and very much remembered from their childhoods.

Now, that isn't quite applicable to this episode, but this episode has some heavy moments and perhaps the worst abuse, out of all the abuse, Troi suffers through the series, and I want to address it the best I can.

"father, you know you're not supposed to probe someone's memory unless they've given you permission."

A.k.a. you have to get consent

"you are right, but sometimes with a beautiful woman I cannot help myself."

Red flag?! But not the red flag we're looking for. (Still: not appropriate) Beverly's laugh doesn't seem like acceptance to me, rather it's the socially acceptable way for women to cope with remarks that certain men think are flattering but are actually creepy. In a post #metoo world my hope is that as a society this is understood better than when this episode aired. I'm sure for many women it's just as evident as it ever was.

To be clear, this memory reading isn't sexual. What it is, is intimate. For whatever reason no other type of telepathy in Star Trek is depicted as a high form of intimacy, except for the now forgotten telepathic link that Troi and Riker have (which was formed because of the closeness of their relationship). But, to have access to someone's mind would be an incredible vulnerability, the sharing of one's mind a great intimacy, and the invasion of one's mind a great violation. A strong analogy for these is sexuality.

I want to make this distinction because there are violations and intimacies that are not sexual, and I think allowing for a broader analogy makes this a stronger story.

This conversation between Geordi and Data about memory feels like exposition to explain the concept to the audience. But, it seems to misrepresent some of the finer points, like how human recall and triggering recall actually works, how neurological structure and age factors in, how trauma effects memory, or in fact how humans encode specific memory or general concepts (like remembering the layout of your childhood home.)

"perhaps you would like to resurrect solve memories"

Is Beverly flirting with Picard? Or just teasing him

This scene with Troi brushing her hair and drinking hot chocolate is.... incredibly frustrating. Because of the "on again off again" or complete neglect of the story between Troi and Riker's relationship. Why have we never seen this part of their relationship before? Where does it fit it? I've seen people question at which point the memory becomes manipulated, wondering if Riker would ever force himself on Troi...which I would categorically say: no he would not.

"imzadi we can't, not when we're serving on the same ship"

"have you stopped thinking about us, just answer that" "I can't stop thinking about you"

They're clearly on the Enterprise, and Riker has a beard, and it could feasibly be somewhere in the past three and a half seasons. As the audience we are not privy to the original memory free of Jev's manipulations.

"Do you know what she was doing when this happened?" Riker's voice is so gentle.

Beverly's little smile as she walks in and sees Riker talking to Troi is exactly how I feel. "I miss you. Please don't stay away too long." Is so sweet and a bit heartbreaking.

Now, we see an apparent memory of Riker's. Troi's memory seemed to be hazy and pink like an old romance filter might be in black and white, but Riker's memory is distorted and stretched, and both have distorted and slowed audio. By contrast, Keiko's memory had no visual or audio distortion at all. Riker's apparent memory is feasible like Troi's.

Troi's assault is what almost everyone focuses on, because the "violation" of the episode is seen as an analogy to rape and because this element is inexplicably used again in the film Nemesis. However, I would like to point out that the two memories shown up until this point are both memories of vulnerability. The memory with Troi isn't just about sex, it's about the intimacy she has with Riker, a relationship they both want but don't feel like they're allowed to have. Riker's memory is of vulnerability of those under his command, as he has to actively make a choice that will kill a crew member to save the rest of the ship. His crew is ultimately his responsibility, their lives are in his hands, and he has to carry the responsibility of their deaths under his command.

Now we see Beverly's apparent memory. Her's is also a clear instance of vulnerability: seeing her dead husband's body. This memory is most likely of the three we see to have some reality to it. We do know that her husband died and Picard was the one to tell her and Wesley of his death. (It's mentioned in the pilot episode and in "The Bonding")

Rethinking the search parameters is incredibly clever on Geordi's part and he deserves more credit for it. It's almost... intellectually refreshing to see rather than a simple solution, and I applaud the writer who wrote this bit.

If Riker wasn't still in a coma he would be right by Troi's side.

"I'm remembering something from a few years ago" so, it is a memory, they're all actual memories, up until a point. "It's not Will, sombody's taken his place." when the person in her memory is hurting her the face isn't initially shown, we can't see who it is. But, before when the memory was safe and positive, we could see Will's face.

(the background soundtrack is a little too much and the whole sequence of Troi in pain makes me really uncomfortable.) And Worf and Picard.... don't react except Picard, very conservatively, places a comforting hand on her shoulder. Which fits with his decorum and all things considered is really, really sweet.

"A perverse source of pleasure perhaps. A need to exercise control over another." Even though Troi's memory was romantic or sexual in nature and through Jev's manipulation has the strongest direct parallel to literal sexual assault, rape is ultimately about power, the assertion of power, domination without consent. It is in direct opposition to intimacy, sexual or non sexual. intimacy is vulnerability plus trust and safety, regardless of what that vulnerability is.

I just realized the Ullian coats remind me of paper snow flakes.

I've seen some people confused that after everything that has happened why Jev would jeopardize himself by going to Troi. He seems to honestly like Troi, in whatever way he can, but at the same time is not in control of his impulses and desires, and whatever he likes about her is warped into his sick desire to overpower her. It's fantastic to see Troi fight back; Jev talks about how fragile she is, and it's important that we see that she is in fact NOT how he sees her.

"this form of rape" here is the first time the word is specifically used BUT I want to reiterate that Troi, Riker, and Beverly have all been subjected to this trauma.

It's good, and nice to know, that they will be getting counseling and help to process through what has happened. It's not always but on occasion TNG acknowledges that its characters have suffered with potential long term ramifications.

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karazor--el · 4 years

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Supergirl's Brainy Teases Intense Resolution to His Double Agent Storyline

Supergirl star Jesse Rath teased Brainy's confrontation with Lex, some 'intense' scenes, the return of his sister Meaghan Rath and more.

In the fallout of "Crisis on Infinite Earths," Supergirl's Brainiac-5 has embarked on his most difficult mission yet. On the advice of his female doppelganger, he distanced himself from the Super Friends and aligned himself with Lex Luthor in order to keep an eye on the supervillain's moves against Leviathan. As Season 5 moves into its final two episodes, this will come to a head when Brainy makes a decision that could nullify all the sacrifices he made to protect those he loves.

Speaking to CBR, Brainy actor Jesse Rath previewed what's in store for his character in the last two episodes of the season. He promised his double agent storyline will be resolved by the end of the finale, although some consequences will extend into next season. He teased a confrontation with Lex, some "intense" scenes, the return of his sister Meaghan Rath and more. He also reflected on creating a new voice for uninhibited Brainy, what it is like to work with Jon Cryer and why he'd wear his new comic book-inspired costume all the time if he could.

CBR: This season has been big for Brainy. I mean, his personality got almost an entire overhaul. How did you go about crafting this new voice for him?

Jesse Rath: I thought, for episode 10, it was important that each of the Brainies be distinct from each other. There was five of them, including my sister [Meaghan Rath], and two of them had transformations within that same episode. It was emo Brainy turning into the evil Brainy, and our Brainy Prime turning into the uninhibited Brainy. So I thought it was very important to be able to tell it was a different Brainy and a transformation through their voice. I thought it was very important that you could tell just by hearing that it was a different person. So I wanted there to be a distinct sound that could differentiate them between each other.

So yeah, the green Brainy -- uninhibited Brainy, who they referred to in the script as Suave Brainy -- is just like... I like to think of Family Matters when Steve Urkel takes the potion and becomes cool and he becomes Stefan Urquelle. It was more just uninhibited, more confident in himself and socially grounded. That's kind of what I was going for.

We've also seen a shift in terms of his looks, with a move towards a more comic book-inspired costume. Obviously, you're not wearing that getup all the time, but how has that changed your hair/makeup experience when do you get into it?

The green and blonde look? I mean, I love it. I would wear it all the time, if I could. I'd wear it home. I'm a big fan. It's made my life a lot more comfortable. I don't know if it's easier, but it's comfortable. I no longer have to wear a prosthetic forehead on on my face. That makes a world of difference, because it's very uncomfortable. There's a wire running down my back to turn on the lights and the thing is hot and I'm not very expressive in it and so it becomes hard to emote. You know, it's just a grueling process to put it on and take it off. So the fact that that's not in the mix anymore and that all have to worry about is being painted and get the wig thrown on me, it definitely is more comfortable and it's made my life a lot easier.

And you know what? Even if it was harder to do and more uncomfortable to wear, I'd still do it, because I love that it's the comic-accurate look and I know that it means a lot to a lot of fans out there that I look like this beloved character from the books and it means a lot to me too. I want to do the character justice and I want him to look the best he can. So it was a long time coming and I couldn't be more happy with the results.

Brainy has acted almost like a triple agent all season. Now, with the understanding that the season was cut a bit short due to the coronavirus (COVID-19) pandemic, is that something we'll see a resolution to when everything wraps up?

Yes. You will. All that stuff comes to a head in these next two episodes. When I heard that we were obviously going to have to cut episode 20 from the schedule, I felt okay about it because episode 19 is such a strong episode. It's a great episode. David Harewood directed it. It's epic, action-packed. The whole storyline with Brainy comes to fruition. It comes to a point, and we leave on a cliffhanger. Whereas with episode 20, before we had time to resolve everything and see how the pieces landed, episode 19 will end on big cliffhanger, which is cool. I love it. It kind of puts Brainy in a very dangerous situation and I'm excited for everyone to see it. I think very strong episode. So I'm not worried about it at all.

How does Brainy's dynamic with Lex Luthor continue to evolve?

I think their patience with each other is wearing thin for both of them. I think Brainy can't really take it anymore. You know, knowing that Lex is actively manipulating him is a very frustrating thing for Brainy. You see in episode 18, he pulls the trigger on a decision and things start to crumble around him. He's aware that Lex is manipulating him and that, I think, is part of the whole reason why he's forced to work with Lex. It's working against all of his instincts that would put him opposite Lex, and so working with him, it's not the easiest thing in the world to do. I think you see, in these next two episodes, how that all unfolds.

You've been working pretty closely with Jon Cryer this season. What has that experience been like?

Well, it's a lot of fun working with Jon. He is a tremendous actor. I learned a lot from working with him, as I do with all my cast mates. It's great. He's a really down-to-earth, funny guy. Yeah, I've had a lot of scenes with Lex and then some more to come. We have a great one -- we have a couple great ones coming up in 18 and in 19, so I'm excited for everyone to see that. I think he does such a great job as Lex. I couldn't imagine anyone else playing that role now. It's so much fun working with him and I can't wait for you to see these next two episodes and see what happens with this whole Lex and Brainy storyline.

I'll admit that I'm particularly fond of the BrainNia relationship. That said, how will we see their relationship continue to grow?

Without 20 in our lineup anymore, there are certain scenes that I don't know if we'll see or if we'll have to wait till next season to see. But in this next episode, in 18, Nia does confront Brainy about everything, about him lying to her, working behind their backs and Supergirl and Nia do confront Brainy about how he's been acting. And in 19, I believe she starts seeing dreams of him. So yeah, there'll be some Brainy and Nia scenes. I don't know if it'll all be sunshine and rainbows, but we do get a lot of Brainy and Nia stuff to come in these next two episodes.

Last year, you had this frankly incredible scene where you ran through a gamut of emotions in about 30 seconds. As the season winds down, will we get to see a spiritual successor to that?

The closest thing I could think to that scene would be episode 10. I think that scene at the end of Season 4 of going through all the different Brainies maybe was like an audition in a sense to show that I could play multiple different versions of the same character. And I think that's what I really got to do in episode 10, which was physically embody all these different versions of Brainy.

But in terms of what's to come in these next two episodes, I'm not saying you should expect a bunch of Brainy cycling through a bunch of personalities, but things get just as intense and emotions are high and the situation is very dangerous. There are some epic scenes to come, and I think you'll be happy with it and I'm very excited for everyone to see. I'm very excited to it see myself!

Can you tease your favorite moment or scene from an upcoming episode?

Well, in 19, my sister comes back to the show. She will return to the show. So I have a handful of scenes with female Brainy, or Meaghan Rath, or whatever you want to call her. So I'm very excited to see those scenes. I always love working with my sister and I'm very grateful for her to come and do the show, so I can't wait to see those scenes.

Martian Manhunter actor David Harewood has directed a few episodes, and now Supergirl herself Melissa Benoist has made her directorial debut on the series. Would you be interested in directing, yourself?

I would! Yeah, I've always wanted to direct. It's something that I think is so cool, that Warner Bros. and The CW, that they allow their actors to direct. It's pretty cool. You know, I don't know any other networks that give us this opportunity and it's definitely something I'd like to take advantage of in the future. I think it's pretty cool. Yeah, I would like to do that. So who knows! Maybe Season 14 I'll be directing some episodes.

You joke, but look at Supernatural!

Exactly! Yeah. Fly in on my private jet and direct a couple. [laughs]

With Melissa directing the last episode, what was that experience like for you?

Oh, it was so cool. We were all so happy for her and proud of her and trying to support her. None of us had any doubt that she would be great. She's always filming and editing stuff on her laptop and she has a great eye for this kind of thing and, as you saw, the episode was amazing. Such a great episode! I love that whole sequence with "The Man Who Sold the World" song over Lex -- that montage of Lex giving speeches around the world. I thought it was a great episode, and I think she is a very talented director. We're all just very happy for her and very proud of her.

Do you have any game/book/TV/film recommendations for everyone stuck at home?

I've been playing a lot of video games. I play Mario Kart with my friends online. We've been doing a lot of Zoom calls and playing Codenames and games with my friends and family online. I watched all of Sopranos with my girlfriend and we really devoured that. We've just been making our way through television series. We watched Community -- for the fourth time, for me. I love that show so much.

I'm really taking this time to just consume a bunch of television and entertainment. It's really kept me going throughout this whole process. My girlfriend Holly and I, we're bunkered down here in LA, and we've been having a great time with each other, and we've been enjoying our quarantine. So we're making the most of it.

Airing Sundays at 9 p.m. ET/PT on The CW, Supergirl stars Melissa Benoist as Kara Danvers, David Harewood as Martian Manhunter and Chyler Leigh as Alex Danvers. The Season 5 finale will air May 17.

CBR.

#supergirl

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