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obeiii-mee · 3 years

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Heyo, this is my first time asking (im kinda new to tumblr, so please dont judge) if you would'nt mind, could you do some headcannons (or oneshots, it dosen't matter) with all the demon bros and a MC who is crippled/paralized in their legs, and has to use a wheelchair to get around? Thank you!!

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This is the first time I’ve written about a crippled MC, so I hope I didn’t fuck this up or anything. I found out that being paralysed in both legs is a disability called Paraplegia so that’s how I titled this post. And y’all are too sweet, you are more than welcome anon! I hope I can portray this properly because I am not crippled myself so I’ve opted to do some research before writing this! I hope you like it! Also, I feel inclined to add that none of the brothers would treat you too differently if you happen to have a disability because you’re their human nonetheless :)

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The Brothers with an MC that has Paraplegia and needs a wheelchair to get around:

Lucifer:

-Lucifer was in charge of choosing the final human, exchange student for the program so it’s guaranteed he already knew about your predicament before you even arrived

-Him and Diavolo probably had many meetings concerning your disability before the program could commence, considering that being unable to walk would double the chances of you getting killed since you are obviously more vulnerable

-Not to mention all the treatment you would require

-Lucifer is not well versed in human illnesses and disorders, but he makes sure that he is educated enough on the matter before you get brought down there

-It would not be easy, but he is determined to help you survive your year in DevilDom for the prince’s sake

-First problem of the day was, of course, your wheelchair

-Due to lack of time, Lucifer was unable to instal ramps around the House of Lamentation which meant that for the first couple of weeks, someone would’ve had to help you move around certain parts of the house

-He gave that highly prestigious job to himself because he didn’t trust his brothers and thought they would accidentally drop you and your wheelchair down the stairs

-He talks a lot to you, even at the beginning, because he needs to establish your needs and what he should do to make sure you don’t die for the following year

-You would have to tell him about physical therapy and how most commonly it uses heat, massage and exercise to stimulate your nerves and muscles, making it a great treatment for people with leg paralysis

-Once you two enter a more intimate and personal relationship, it’s more than likely he’ll help you perform those things himself (instead of kidnapping a human doctor from somewhere)

-Lucifer knows you have no problem getting around with your wheelchair by yourself but there are times where he’ll insist to push you along in order to give you a quick break

-I can totally imagine you two strolling around DevilDom and having cosy chats about RAD and your adjustments to DevilDom

-He has a softer side to him that he’s afraid to show most of the time, but he feels so at ease when you’re around, it’s hard for him to hold that part of him hidden from you

-Of course, your safety still remains his primary concern and he acts more like your guardian than Mammon does, even if he was originally supposed to look out for you

-He will accompany you almost anywhere. And if he can’t, he’ll have one or more of his brothers do it. And even then he’s probably lurking nearby, just in case

-He would always be willing to listen about your condition, if you wished to tell him whether you were born with the defect or why you ended up crippled later in life. Either way, he’s all ears

-If you would rather not speak about it, he wouldn’t pry and respect your decision because he knows it’s not his place to pressure you

-Because of your paralysis, it’s quite obvious to demons that you are even weaker (physically speaking) than most humans and that usually puts a target on your back

-Howver, never fear, because Lucifer is pretty quick to put lower rank demons in their place with just a mere stare

-Oop one of them passed out from the fear, haha

-In conclusion, he’s the most responsible when it comes your comfort and safety during your stay

-He makes sure you are always left in good hands and and provides most of the requirements you need

-Y’all should see how his wings puff up when he senses a threat approaching you, he looks like a peacock ready to go on attack lol

Mammon:

-The second born is unsurprisingly a bit of a jerk at first

-He stays really grumpy the whole day of your arrival because he’s stuck babysitting you stupid human

-“Lucifer c’mon, what’s all this workload for? The human can’t even walk by themselves, why do I have to help them out?”

-Wtf Mammon you can’t say shit like that

-Anyways, the following very few days, the only thing he’s thinking about is how much money he could sell your wheelchair for

-He’s the literal incarnation of greed, what else did you expect from him?

-After a while, he starts feeling a bit guilty every time he thinks about it though

-Mammon is gonna take this secret to the grave (laughs in immortal) but he actually really likes pushing you around

-Maybe it’s because it’s a clear indication to everyone around him that you are HIS human, under HIS protection and therefore you trust HIM the most since he was your FIRST MAN

-He will insist on helping you get out of that thing when you need to go to bed and stuff every night and he will get pouty real fast if you let any of his other brothers do it

-You wake up to him trying to roll around in your wheelchair one night at like 3am

-At some point, he stole a wheelchair from the human realm to match with his human. You can guess the consequences of his actions

-I can imagine you having to face a staircase or something at school and Mammon being like:

-“Fuck it, imma carry this fragile human instead; wheelchair and all!”

-Like you were a sack of potatoes or something smh

-Cue his brothers watching him from a distance as he heaves you and basically weight-lifts you up the stairs

-Ok but every now and again, he gets so sad thinking about you not being able to walk, like he starts crying kinda sad

-While you stand there like 😐 “Why are you crying?”

-He’s so quick to help if he senses you’re in danger too

-It’s canon that Mammon is crazy fast if he wants to be so if he has even the slightest impression that your life is threatened, his feet are already moving

-He will charge at your immediate threat at around 120 miles per hour-do not try him when he’s mad

-“The Great Mammon saved the day! C’mon MC, let’s go buy some ice cream. My treat! Ya better be grateful!”

-He says while the demon that tried to eat you lies on the floor with about a dozen broken bones

-Mammon is the second most powerful demon out of all of his brothers, even if he doesn’t resort to violence often

Levi:

-He didn’t really know how to react when you first teleported to DevilDom

-I mean, from the very beginning he considered you to be a human normie but at the same time, he felt bad you were stuck with his brothers for the rest of the year

-I think he would understand you would have an even harder time integrating yourself in their house because of your disability and he knows his siblings are really fucking annoying, always pushing you around and whatnot

-So, he kinda lets you hide in his room quite often

-You guys chill out in there all the time, much to the dismay of the other brothers who also want to spend time with you

-At some point, Levi definitely begged asked Lucifer to let you start online classes with him

-“But wouldn’t it be easier for MC to do online school from home rather than go to R.A.D since there aren’t any ramps or anything around there???”

-“The answer is no Leviathan.”

-“Ugh fine! What a fucking boomer-“

-For some reason, he gets so flustered whenever you ask him to push you around

-He blushes right to the tips of his ears and then he starts sputtering some nonsense that you can’t make out at all

-But he’s more than happy to do it, especially if you guys are going to a convention or if he’s dragging you out to buy new merch

-You two would get along in the sense that Levi realises the struggles you faced all your life were tough to overcome and he believes you are just like him

-Usually left out by other people, ignored even

-He knows you always listen to him ramble on about whatever he is currently obsessed with and how much you check up on him to make sure he never isolated himself

-He wants to do that for you too! Talk to him about your hobbies, please I’m begging you-he feels so bad whenever he’s doing all the talking

-If you ask him to help you with anything (getting something, helping you into bed—that sort of thing), he legally and physically can’t say ‘no’

-And he would get envious enough to stop talking to you for a day or two if you let his brothers do it instead (the second and third born are indeed similar lmao)

-S T A Y I N H I S R O O M, W H E R E Y O U C A N B E P R O T E C T E D !

-He will feel so much more at ease if you’re in his room because to him, that’s his haven

-If you’re in there with him, that means you’re not getting involved in his siblings’ endless and dangerous shenanigans

-Whenever you’re at school, he can’t help but worry about your well-being

-Because you’re human! You’re gonna get killed!! Do you know how much your organs sell on the black market in DevilDom??? 100x more than in the human realm, that’s for sure

-Would they have a black market or would it be a regular market lol

-For some reason, he also likes staying in your wheelchair when you’re not using it

-I think he just takes comfort in knowing it’s something that belongs to you and smells like you and-

-OK Levi, sit back down

-He wouldn’t treat you any differently if you had a disability tbh, but he’d be more concerned because you can’t even run away or anything

-So he’s so fuckin’ relieved when you guys are just vibing in his room

-He could die happy knowing he kept his best friend/ partner safe

Satan:

-Satan would be even more prepared for your arrival than Lucifer would, in a sense

-Out of all of his brothers, he’s most likely to understand and recognise paraplegia (either from studying human illnesses/birth defects/disabilities or from encountering humans with said disability)

-He’s a smart boy, alright?

-Always seems to be the first to notice if you need help or if someone’s bothering you

-Though in the very beginning, he was pretty tempted to just let you get killed to see how angry Lucifer could get

-Seeing dear Luci’s misery brings him great joy 🥰🥰🥰

-Once you two manage to build a very honest and strong relationship, he feels more and more inclined to keep you out of harm’s way

-Pls, he would feel so honoured if you let him push you around (it’s like you asked him to h*ld h*nds or something)

-If you require treatment of any kind, he would be so happy to help

-But in a subtle way...?

-Satan makes it seem so smooth too like he doesn’t mind lending a helping hand when in reality he’s all giddy inside

-*Kinda wants to rub it in his brothers’ faces but at the same no, because he’s definitely the bigger person here

-He wants to know how your wheelchair works

-It’s got all of these neat mechanisms and he wants to learn how they’re constructed because he never had the chance to inspect one before

-He’s such a sweetheart about asking you as well and never pries about your disability unless you start elaborating yourself

-Most of the time, he acts all charming and very gentleman-like

-So people have a hard time spotting and acknowledging the building rage inside of him every time he sees you are threatened by some moronic low rank demon

-Satan’s usually chill when it comes to injuries, unless he can see you’re in horrible pain

-There’s nothing a few spells can’t accomplish

-But when others purposefully try harming you?

-It’s like he loses all the self control he’s been trying to perfect over the centuries and he can’t help himself from at least breaking someone’s rib cage

-Satan’s a weird one because he’s protective of you even though he’s more on the relaxed side when compared to his siblings

-He very much acknowledges that you made it this far in life with your predicament so he doesn’t feel the need to baby you or anything

-You’re strong and he knows this

-It’s one of the many things he clearly loves about you

-That one time you rolled over Mammon’s foot with your wheelchair on purpose, he was wheezing

Asmo:

-Even now, he can’t help but wonder what it would be like to be stuck inside a wheelchair for the rest of his eternal life

-I mean, he’d obviously still be absolutely fabulous, have you seen him? He’s gonna be gorgeous either way

-But after the two of you meet, he definitely starts thinking about how he takes his feet for granted all the time

-It would be so difficult to complete his daily tasks without the ability to walk or run around

-That’s why he gets sad every time he remembers that’s your reality and on days like that, you’ve noticed he gives you a helluva lot more attention than usual

-He knows you don’t need pity or anything so he’s just making sure his human has all the support they can get

-Paraplegia or not, shopping trips are still a go-go

-He loves buying you clothes! And he loves helping you try them on! Asmo takes it very seriously

-Might have a go at the employees if they’re being rude to you

-You don’t even ask him to, but he subconsciously starts pushing you around himself whenever the two of you are out together

-“MC! Look at that new shop that’s just opened! Isn’t it adorable? We have to check it out!”

-He can’t help it! There’s so many places he wants to visit, he sort of just drags you with him wherever he goes

-Even at home, he always pops out of nowhere to coax you into coming to his room

-Y’all have so many skin routines to do each day

-Like he’s in your room most nights to greet you goodnight and tuck you in, with the rest of his brothers it gets so awkward at times

-Asmo just wants to see you smile, ok? He thinks you have a beautiful smile and laugh and he wants to remind you that you’re marvellous, disability or not

-And if anyone does anything to put an end to your self confidence, he will swiftly put an end to their life

-Please, he’s a pro at ruining lives, he’s been doing it for centuries

-Asmo has such a huge influence over the people in DevilDom, he just needs to make this one post on Devilgram to end said demon’s whole career

-I mean, who is he compared to him, Hmm? So don’t worry MC, scum like that don’t even deserve to breathe the same air as you :)

-That one time Mammon tried lifting you up the stairs and Asmo started shrieking, like put them down! Don’t manhandle them like that, poor human :(

Beel:

-I know I sound repetitive, but he would be an overall sweetheart to you no matter the circumstances

-If Mammon is not by your side, then Beel definitely is

-His big, scary aura and figure usually scares off any threat in a 10 mile radius

-Most demons don’t fancy being eaten by the Avatar of Gluttony, ya know?

-Idk why but I feel like he’d be the type to ask for oral consent every time he wanted to push you around

-He doesn’t want to make you uncomfortable :(

-Surprisingly also the type to lift you and your wheelchair whenever an obstacle gets in your way

-You basically weigh the same amount as a paper plate compared to him, so he has no problem doing so

-He doesn’t really understand your condition as well as Satan may do, but he’s trying his best

-You mean so much to him and he feels it’s only fair he learns more about your disability as a thank you for what you’ve done for him

-He has a rough time keeping up with you when it comes to stuff like physical therapy because he’s very unfamiliar with it but that doesn’t mean he’s not gonna help

-Of course, Beel believes that this is the second best way to show you how much he cares for you besides the obvious ‘I love you’

-Giving you a hand whenever you need his support the most

-That’s his way of saying “I’m not going to let you down. I want you to trust me, the same way I trust you.”

-And knowing him, he will try to do everything in his power to keep you safe and sound

-After a while, you’re bound to notice he’s the first one to pull you out of his brothers’ pranks before you have a chance to get hurt

-Beel is always the one handing you stuff from high places you can’t reach, without teasing you for it like Mammon might do

-Always the first one to remind you to get plenty of rest and to eat enough

-He wants to protect you and his brothers because he knows he failed to do so with Lilith so yeah, he’s a bit overprotective at times

-He doesn’t mean to be overbearing, but he gets so anxious knowing you’re by yourself

-After a few months of getting accommodated with him, your disability is no longer brought up in the conversation

-Because he doesn’t care that you are crippled and forced to use a wheelchair

-You are part of his family and he loves you no matter what

Belphie:

-He didn’t really care, even when you first met and his hatred for humans was at its very peak

-It didn’t matter that you had a disability

-All that mattered to him at the time was killing you to satisfy that deeply rooted need of vengeance inside of him

-Though he was sort of surprised his brothers didn’t get to you first

-In general, he’s pretty chill about you being crippled in both legs

-It takes too much effort to worry about your well-being 24/7 after all

-Surprisingly, he does keep an eye out for you if his siblings aren’t nearby

-It’s his redemption arc people, he’s trying to be nicer

-But he has such an irritating way of showing his affection for you

-Do not let him push you around

-He’s either going to a) fall asleep after 30 seconds and slump over you in the middle of RAD’s halls

-Or b) be annoying and fling your wheelchair in every direction possible just to piss you off

-He likes messing with you because you give him the best reactions and he thrives on that

-You’ve almost fallen off your wheelchair multiple times because of this asshole

-Not that he’d actually let you fall, he just wants to see how easily he can get you to yell at him

-Speaking of said wheelchair, like Mammon and Levi, he also loves using it when you’re not

-You’ve woken up to him curled up and asleep in that thing quiet often and he’s gotten in trouble over it every time with Lucifer

-But he doesn’t care

-And at this point, I don’t think even he knows whether he’s doing it to get a reaction out of you or because he somehow found a way to make himself comfortable there

-He would low key use you as a mode of transportation every time you go to RAD

-Just clings the damn wheelchair and almost topples both of you over

-“Belphie, there’s nothing stopping you from walking 😐”

-“Shh, just bring me to class and let me nap until then.”

-He doesn’t mention your legs but he still lays his head on your lap often

-Might make you hold him like a bride every time you stroll around the house

-It’s done out of love, I promise 😌😌

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Al~

#obey me #obey me asmodeus #obey me beelzebub #obey me belphegor #obey me imagines #obey me leviathan #obey me lucifer #obey me mammon #obey me satan #om #obey me headcanons #obey me hcs #paraplegia #⭐️ requests #🕯 general #☂️ demon brothers

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sukirichi · 3 years

Text

— 💌 ; a love letter from @kyriaan

long post below regarding broken records. cw includes adultery, physical assault, toxic relationships, broken records spoilers, and mature content

[ from the ask ] BROKEN RECORDS ; track 005

Okay! I finally had time to actually sit down and properly read chap 5 cause ill be damned and burned if i dont pay special attention to one of my favorite series here! Rather drown or be sting by bees slowly 😒

🙂🙂🙂🙂🙂🙃 I for the first time don't even know where to start so allow me to be all over the place cause my emotions are also all over the place with this chapter ✌️

Ill start by y/n's dad caN GO FUCK HIMSELF? Like okay sir you might have fallen in love with our mom (ill give him the benefit of the doubt regarding his feelings) BUT SIR YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN HONEST? FROM THE BEGINNING? ALSO BRUH YOU KIDDING ME??? SIR YOU LEGIT ABANDONED YOUR OTHER DAUGHTER AND THEN YOU PROCESS TO 'LEAVE US' I- YOOOOO I WOULD BITCH SLAP HIM I SWEAR!!

Also ALSO ILL SCREAM FOR THE PEOPLE IN THE BACK NO KID HAS EVER TO BE BLAMED FOR BEING BORN!! Y/n mom's line: 'we have to atone for our sins' its legit BULLSHIT it wad NOT y/n fault her DAD COULDNT KEEP HIS DICK INSIDE HIS PANTS NOR ITS Y/N FAULT THAT HER DAD CHEATED!!! ATONE FOR OUR SINS MY ASS!! the father is the one that has to take responsibility for all this shitty situation we do NOT nor any kid out there in this situation has to be taken accountable by this!!

And now Suna 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺 bruh im just gonna cry... Everything he does just makes me heart swell i feel so cozy when i read his parts like how sweet and present he is I- bruh I never had that... Actually seeing y/n breaking up with him when shes clearly falling in love with him just breaks me cause Girl for real Suna would be there for you... I get it shes afraid and shes acting on that fear but girl... Pls he truly loves you deeply not everyone is like your dad. There are happy endings. There are good people Sunas one of them pls 🥺🥺🥺 also MY LOVE TSUMU BEING A SUPPORTIVE FRIEND EVEN THO SUNA GOT THE GIRL BRUH TSUMU I FUCKING LOVE YOU MY CHILDISH YET ADORABLY SMUG BOY 😭😭😭😭😭

Nagisas a bitch btw ✌️ so far i see no redemption not excuse in what she did so far. I get her reasons but that does NOT excuse her behavior. She has to lash out at her cunt of a dad not at a innocent woman who was also a victim all along. Nor even her half sister. I get her mentality behind this but doesnt excuse her behavior at all- its basically the same as being a victim from a bully and playing bully after aswell.

Overall YOU MADE ME CRY AGAIN SUKI! I LOVE YOU SO MUCH FOR THIS BUT ALSO UGH MY HEART SUKI!

[ from suki ]

BROKEN RECORDS IS UR FAVE SERIES??? babe pls you’re gonna me cry !! nah nah fr his dishonesty caused all this mess. YEAHA SAKLAA tbh I love mama lucy but her words of ‘atoning for their sins’ or her mindset of ‘we don’t deserve to be happy when we’ve hurt others’ really messed up YN. she was only 21 and vulnerable with all the shambles happening in her family + the sudden assault from nagisa, that when her mother said those words, she struggled to let go of it. to her, it became like a final verdict that dictated how she lived her life.

SUNA URGHHH PLEASE GIVE SUNA A CHANCE HE HAS PURE AND GOOD INTENTIONS BUT I CANT BLAME HER EITHER AHSJAKA. and the comparison of nagisa being a bully’s victim only to become the next bully is true. nagisa should lash out at their shitty excuse of a father. ALSO AAAAHH THE NEXT CHAPTER (007) IS WORSE AHSJKAAL

[ from the ask ] BROKEN RECORDS ; track 005

I know shins attractive I mean mans perfect?? Does he even have any flaw?? And the way he cried when he got his jersey MYGOD FHDHFHFJSKS but I still look at him and im like.... Hmmmm nah i wouldnt date him its just not my... Do i dare say type? Cause i dont think i have a type ghfhfisofbd but like I just 🧍‍♀️

I love him i just dont love him i guess

The makeout scene tho ill give you that 🥵🥵🥵 made me bark (i would still walk out next day like was a good fuck kita byeeee🚉🏃‍♀️💨)

... More drama regarding mari... And you said this will have like 10 chapters... And from 8 on will be angsty.... 🙂 *traumatized noises*

[ from suki ]

YUUHHH KITA IS PERFECT HERE AHSJKAA IDK MAYBE ITS MY SIMPING FOR NAOYA CONVERTED TO KITA ALREADY BEING PERFECT AS HE ALREADY IS AND I AMPED IT UP BCOS THE SIMP MODE IS ACTIVATED AHSKAA. the make out scene !! pls sir i’m on my knees spare some love in ur heart AAAAAAHHHHHH. also. i assure you. businessman! kita got game. he’s gonna make you walk funny if you give him the chance HSJKA

yeah i just finished writing the outline for track7 right now and the drama is HSJKAA it gave me a headache sobs

[ from the ask ] BROKEN RECORDS ; track 006

I want to give you my usual thoughts on the new chapter and at the same ahm...

I just saw myself on Suna... Deeply....and it kinda slapped me harder than i was expecting...there were too many things from him giving himself to mari/treating her like he wants to be treated... To deleting his best friend from social media thanks to his girlfriend... And it really hurt me ahah..

I would vent but.. Yeah

But yes this chapter i saw myself in suna and i had to take quite the long breaks cause it was getting to me 😅😅😅 also if anything i learned from my experiences is that MARI SCREAMS RED FLAGS and even Osamu can see that pls

I would honestly end Mari there, i wouldnt even bother to just retort i would walk my way into to the damn apartment and fucking take Suna for myself cause Mari does not deserve him. Shes manipulative, and in a way abusive.. Not allowing him to keep contact with his best friend his a total redflag and o know its because Suna had feelings for y/n and vice versa but Suna never gave het a reason to distrust him.

The moment he said he was best friends with y/n and was single she immediately clinged himself to him and for what? To then dump him like he was trash...

He gave himself to her, he proved he was there for her he even took her back this boy deserves the fucking world and its not Mari...

I kinda want to say it's not y/n at this point either cause the way she broke his heart was kinda the same Mari did.. Y/n disregarded his feelings and just broke it up.. Mari disregarded his feelings abd broke it up... But y/n stated from the very beginning that she would eventually break up Mari just shrugged and didn't care so i can in a way forgive y/n i cant forgive mari

Besides y/n was supportive from the beginning while Mari was obsessive and controlling.

Another really insanely well written chapter as usual (albeit this one making me ball my eyes off harder because yeah) but yes~ eagerly waiting for the next one~

Take your time tho 😌🙌

Mari can go fuck off 💗💓💞💕❣️❤️🧡💛💚💙💜🤎🖤🤍💯💝💖💋💅

Suna x y/n pls

Y/n deserves to have a healthy love life with someone she loves (hence why npt Kita) and loves her back

And Suna deserve the fucking world and be treated right

[ from suki ]

NAHHHH cuz when you said suna was treating mari the way he wanted YN to treat her... that’s right. on point. they’re all so complicated sobs. MARI IS A WALKING RED FLAG THAT OSAMU CAN SMELL FROM A MILE AWAY. ALSO yes mari is manipulative and borderline possessive when it came to suna. like yeah, let’s be real, she could tell a long time ago that suna was in love with YN and it made her insecure / jealous, but the whole time, YN kept her distance. she was supportive over their relationship from afar as to make mari comfortable. suna also did everything he could to make sure she was well cared for. for three years, he was focused on her and only her. he gave love a second chance despite being brokenhearted. suna never mari a chance to doubt because he, too, was sure he could be happy with her.

until mari left him.

and now suna is back with YN because they will always have each other. but honestly,,,if we think about it, if mari never broke up with suna or at least gave him the chance to explain himself - if mari didn’t do the exact thing YN did to suna years ago - he honestly would’ve been really happy with mari. they were going well. like yeah mari has always been toxic by pushing suna’s boundaries and asking him to unfollow his own best friend on social media, but he did it anyway. because he trusted their relationship. he wanted the best for them.

also yeah, the parallels between mari and YN were intentional !!

HEHEHEHE THE KITA X YN SHIP everyone loves them im so happy about that bcos kita is so amazing in my eyes. PREACH FOR THAT THO !! SUNA DESERVES THE BEST. SUNA DESERVES TO BE TREATED RIGHT. HE DESERVES THE WORLD AND SO MUCH MORE

thank you for taking the time to send me this, kya, it means a lot to me and it motivates me to work harder on the future chapters !! <33

#asks with naoya's trophy wife #besties #series ( broken records )#tw: physical assault #tw: toxic #tw: toxic relationships #tw: adultery

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marvel-holland-love · 3 years

Text

Never enough

Type:

angst / fluff

Pairing: Tom Holland x reader

Warning: Eating disorder, self hate, body dysmorphia

Summary: You’ve been dealing with an eating disorder for some time now but haven’t told anyone until Tom starts to notice something in your behavior that leads him to worry and so he keeps an eye on you and sees something that exposes your secret.

Word count: 2,362

A/N: Hi everyone, hope you enjoy this imagine, as I said in the warnings, this imagine includes detailed eating disorder talk, this is my first imagine so I hope you like it, i also speak spanish so sorry if there is something wrong with my grammar. I’m already writing another imagine which Ill post soon, at the bottom is my masterlist and there I’ll have the imagines I make. Hope you enjoy and have a great day!

y/n: your name

y/n/n: your nickname

y/l/s: your last name

If you have an eating disorder and need help, you can find it here https://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/find-help-support

You and Tom have been together for about 1 year and 5 months, you love each other dearly and tell each other everything, but there is one secret you decide its best to stay secret, which is that you've dealt with an eating disorder since you were 17 years old, and now you were 22 years old. You found ways to hide it from him, to hide the meal skipping, the purging, the excessive exercise, everything that came with your disorder.

Tom had noticed since the beginning that you had a bit of a small frame, but he thought you had a fast metabolism or that that was the way you were, but he never thought you had an eating disorder until he started to notice somethings on your behaviour that started to worry him.

- Today -

3rd person POV:

You were coming through the door of the Holland household after your 2 hour run, it was 9:00 a.m at the moment. You were walking through the door when a sudden hit of dizziness struck you and you stumbled a little while you started to get your vision blurred with black spots. Harry was walking by to go to the kitchen when you came in and he noticed your pale face and stumbling, so he went over to you to check on you. That's when you felt someone grab your arm and say something to you, that you couldn't quite put together. You turned around to look at the person and noticed through blurred images that it was Harry, that's when you spoke.

y/n POV:

“Harry?” you said still feeling like you were going to faint, “y/n/n, what happened, are you okay?” he said with a worried tone. You didn't know quite what to say, you could barely make out the words that came out of his mouth, but you understood it enough to give him somewhat of an answer, “Yeah, im fine,” you said not even convincing yourself on that answer “I guess I just got a little dizzy, didn’t drink water before going on my run, better go do that” you said knowing how unconvincing that answer was, but still going to the kitchen in order to avoid the conversation you didn’t want to have. I heard him say something to me, but I didn’t quite catch it so I just ignored it and kept walking.

Harry’s POV:

I watched y/n/n come in the door, but she was really pale and I noticed that she started to tumble. When I got near her, I asked what was wrong, but I guess she didn't hear me because she didn't answer, so I got near her and held her up so she wouldn’t fall and that's when she spoke; “Harry?” she said, but I could sense something wrong in her tone so I asked her again what happened and she just answered that she didn’t drink water before her run which didn’t convince me at all, because I’ve known her long enough to know when something in her tone hints that something is wrong. After I saw her start to walk towards the kitchen, I decided to ask her if she had eaten anything before her run but before I could finish my sentence she was already out of my reach. So I decided to tell Tom, there was something I really didn’t like about this so I knew the one person who could get to her should know.

3rd person POV:

Y/n was in the kitchen drinking water when Tom came in, already on board of what had happened, so he wanted to have some proof that his theory wasn’t true, because he already had an idea of what might be going on.

y/n POV:

I saw Tom come in the kitchen, but he had an expression on his face that gave me a reason to believe Harry may have told him what had happened. I tried to put on the best face I could with a somewhat believable smile, so he wouldn't come with conclusions, even though he had already formed conclusions since he started to notice your weird behavior. “Hey darling, how was your run?” He asked, but he wanted to see if you would deny what had happened previously, “It was great,” you said which caused him to give you a questionable look “I just forgot to drink water so I got a little dizzy when I came into the house, but now i'm perfectly fine” you said hoping to change the course this conversation was turning, “Oh, and did you eat before you when on your run?” he asked already knowing your answer, “No, I wasn't hungry” you said with a more defensive tone. “Oh great, then we can have breakfast together, because after that run, you bet you are eating something babe ” you wanted to say you weren't hungry or make any excuse to not eat because, how could you eat, after all the effort the run took do to your lack of energy, just to throw it all over the border, just like that for some stupid calories you didn't want to have in your body, but you knew he was already worried and suspicious of you, so rejecting his offer would just bring more attention to the topic, so you agreed “Sure! What do you want?” you said hoping to sound convincing, but failing miserably.

Toms POV:

When I came in the kitchen, I looked at y/n/n and actually took notice of the weight she had lost and her pale face. I realized that what I'd been pushing to the bottom of my mind, might actually be a problem. I had started to notice how y/n/n skipped meals but she always gave a convincing excuse, so I convinced myself to not look through it, I also notice how when we had a meal together, she would cut her food in tiny pieces and play around with it, and only eat a portion of it, also that when she was “done” she would drink a lot of water and go to the bathroom immediately. And her intense workouts as well, after what Harry told me, I started to put the pieces together and realized that what I feared might be the situation here, no matter how much I want it to be a piece of my imagination, I fear that y/n might have and eating disorder, but I won’t make any serious accusations until I’m 100% sure. That's why after a little bit of talking with her, I managed to make her get breakfast with me, “Sure! What do you want?” she told me in what I guess was a miserable try of sounding excited, “Ummm, we should make pancakes! Yeah, pancakes will be.” I said trying to lighten the tension that was in the room “Su-sure” she answered but the stutter on her voice, I could tell she was nervous about something. “I'm gonna go tell the others we are making pancakes for breakfast” I said before leaving to tell the others.

3rd persons POV:

After a while of cooking, you and Tom placed the pancakes on the table and called everyone to eat.

Everyone was sitting down and eating but you couldn't get the voice in your mind to shut up and at least let you enjoy one meal with your boyfriend and his family. That's when you noticed Tom and Harry were looking at you at times with worry in their eyes, so you started to eat to get any suspicion away from you, but it was too late for that.

y/n POV:

Every time you took a bite of your food your mind was going crazy and your intrusive thoughts were kicking your ass.

Why are you eating You are SO fat how can you be eating You don't deserve food If you get fat, Tom is gonna leave you If you get fat, no one is going to love you Correction, no one loves you You are a piece of crap You look like a fucking whale, WHY ARE YOU EATING?!?!!

You don’t know how much time passed but Nikkie and Dom had already gotten up from the table and you could feel tears welling up my eyes and one or two down my cheeks I quickly cleaned them from my cheeks in hopes no one saw them but Tom noticed them just that he decided to not say anything until we were alone. So after finishing my pancakes to not bring up suspicion I decided it was time to go to the bathroom and get rid of my guilt. Before going I drank water and excused myself “Be right back” but what I wasn’t expecting was for Tom to start making questions, “Where are you going y/n/n” “Oh, I’m going to the bathroom” “Why do you always go to the bathroom after eating?” I started to get really nervous and think, why was he asking so many questions, I knew I needed to get out of here ASAP, “Dunno, guess you just gotta go when you gotta go.”

After telling him that, I sprinted as fast as I could to the bathroom, but I was in such a rush that I forgot to lock the door. I got on my knees in front of the toilet and stuck my fingers in my throat until I started to feel everything coming out. My mind was so lost in my thoughts that I didn’t hear Tom walk in the hallway or get into the bathroom, but the next thing I felt was a pair of arms embracing me in a hug and stroking my hair in a comforting way.

Toms POV:

After y/n/n got up from the table I had a gut feeling I had to follow her, I don't know what it was, I don’t know if it was the way she said it or the look on her eyes, but I knew something was going on. After maybe 2 minutes, I got up and followed her to the bathroom but when I got to the hallway I heard it. I started to hear muffled sobs and gagging and I instantly knew what was going on. I got to the door to open and noticed it was unlocked, which surprised me because I thought it would be locked. When I got in, I froze, seeing y/n/n so vulnerable and in this situation, it just made me want to hold her near me and never let her go and tell her how much I love her and how beautiful she is, also to tell her that everything is alright and that I’ll never leave her, I just wanted to hold her and stay like that forever.

I ran to her and kneeled next to her and held her in my arms, by the shock in her face, I could guess she didn’t hear me come in so I started to struck her hair to try and comfort her and the instant I did that, she started to sob.

y/n POV:

I started to sob into Toms arms and couldn't help but think that he was going to hate me or leave me so I started to apologize, “I-I-I-m so so-sorry T-T-Tom, I didn’t mean for it to get to this,” “Im s-s-sorry”

After that I left a muffled cry out since now my face was facing his chest. He said something but in between my cries I didn't understand it.

How could you forget the lock of the door!

You are so stupid, his gonna leave you

You are so disgusting

He probably thinks you are a waste of time or a lost cause

How could you expose yourself like this

I HATE YOU

I couldn’t stop the voices in my head. I just wanted to turn them off, I just wanted to scream. This only made me cry harder into Tom and he continued comforting me without saying a word until I calmed down a little, when I was able to slow my cries I decided to speak, “Tommy, please help me, turn the voices off, j-j-just please h-h-he-help me please”

Toms POV:

After y/n/n cried in my chest for some time while I tried to comfort her, she said something that broke my heart, “I-I-I-m so so-sorry T-T-Tom, I didn’t mean for it to get to this,” “Im s-s-sorry” she sounded in so much pain and I just wanted to take it all and make her stop feeling it, I couldn't see her like that, it broke my heart, so I responded “It’s okay baby, everything will be alright, i promise princess” I don’t think she heard me cause she didn’t say anything after, but at this point I started to feel the tears well up in my eyes so I just hugged her and let her cry as long as she needed in my chest.

After a while, she spoke again and what she said made me shed some tears because I just wanted to make it better, but i didn't know how, but I knew I would do everything I could to make it better, “Tommy, please help me, turn the voices off, j-j-just please h-h-he-help me please” to that I responded feeling a lump in my throat, trying to make the words that came out of my mouth as steady as I could, but not achieving it completely, “Everything is going to be alright baby, I promise, I'm not gonna let you alone, I’ll be with you through every step of the way, I promise everything will be alright princess”

After that pulled her into my lap and held her until she fell asleep from the crying, while I was holding her, I noticed how small and innocent she looked and i realized that I loved her so much that I would do everything to get her back to health and happiness, and I would turn off the voices that kept tormenting her mind, she was my baby and I wouldn't give up on her nor let her go.

MASTERLIST

#tom holland #harry holland #sad #fluff #comfort #boyfriend tom holland #sweet tom holland #mental illness #menatl health #get help #you are worthy #love you #eating disorder #tom holland and eating disorder

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joannie95 · 4 years

Text

Before You Go

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Reader platonic Steve Rogers x Reader platonic

Summary: Sometimes all you need is for someone to ask “are you okay?”

Word Count: 2k+

Warnings: Talk of depression and mental health, talk of death, angst

A/N:I actually wrote something its some sort of miracle. seriously though im sorry for not updating legacy, work has gotten very stressful lately and that has been my main focus. Ill try to write more but I cant make any promises and I hope this story makes up for it.

A/N; This story was inspired by before you go by Lewis Capaldi. This story means a lot to me because at one point in my life I have had thoughts similar to the ones i wrote about. Thank you to @mo320 for proofreading

Bucky's pov

"I hate her"

"No you don't."

"Yes I do. Why did she have to leave, why couldn't she just tell me what was wrong instead she decided to leave me."

"Bucky are you listening to yourself right now? You're making this about you, you're not mad that she left you're mad that you didn't see what was going on with her."

Maybe Steve had a point. She always seemed so happy and I was so preoccupied with what was happening in my life that I didn't see that she was hurting.

Y/N's pov

You looked at your reflection in the mirror and tried to compose and make yourself presentable for the day. You can feel that you're dying inside, you feel like you'd be a burden on your friends if they knew how you felt so all the hurt and all the pain is being pushed down for you to deal with on your own. You are brought back to reality when you hear a knock at the door, you wipe away the tears you didn't notice had fallen.

You walk to your front door but before opening it you put on your most believable smile. As soon as the door is open your best friend Bucky walks in with a bag of takeout in his hand.

He places the bag on your coffee table and slumps down on your couch. "She was supposed to be the one, we could have been so happy together but instead I find her kissing some random guy."

You walk over to the couch and sit next to him, he lays his head on your lap and you run your fingers through his hair and chuckle. "Quit being dramatic, you went on 3 dates and she told you it wasn't serious. And that "random" guy was her ex, they broke up a month ago and we all knew they were bound to get back together once they got their heads out of their ass."

He sits back up and places his head on your shoulder as you lightly stroke his arm. "Yeah i know, it's nice to dream though."

You sit up and look at him. "Come on no moping, let's eat, get drunk and watch movies all night. What do you say?"

He laughs at your eagerness. "Alright fine." He picks up the remote and finds a movie. "you're always so happy and make everything better, how do you do it?"

A lot of practice you think to yourself. You smile and hope he believes this false front you're putting up.

You spent your day off at home, you tried so hard not to let your thoughts get to you. But once again you failed, you're a failure you couldn't even manage to get out of bed. What's the point of trying anymore if you'll never be good enough. The ringing next to you brings you back to reality, you see Bucky's name on the screen and answer hoping the cheery tone in your voice is enough to make him think you're fine. "Hey Buck, what's up?

"Nothing much really, long day at work and I just want to forget it. I was wondering if you wanted to go out to a bar tonight."

You hesitated, not really feeling up for human interaction at the moment. "I don't know, I'm kinda tired. I've been cleaning all day."

"Please y/n, it's been a long day and I just want to hangout with my best friend and have a fun night."

You don't want to but if you say no then maybe he'll find other friends that do want to go out and have fun. Then you'll be alone but maybe you deserve to be alone, maybe...

"Y/N. So what do you say?'

You let out a breath. "Yeah why not."

"Awesome you're the best. I'll pick you up in an hour."

You force yourself out of bed and make yourself presentable enough so you don't embarrass Bucky.

You and Bucky have been at the bar for nearly an hour. The night started out well, you let him lead the conversation and kept a smile on your face but you're noticing his attention is elsewhere. "Bucky, did you hear me?"

"What?" He turns back to you quickly. "Yeah you were saying?"

"I asked if you're alright, you seem distracted."

He looked towards the other side of the bar before bringing his attention back to you. "I'll be right back."

Before you had time to object he was gone. You saw him walking towards a tall blond with bright green eyes. Of course, she was gorgeous and you were well, just you. He was probably embarrassed to be seen with you. You pulled your shoulders in wishing you were invisible.

About 15 minutes later Bucky came walking back with a big smile on his face. "Hey doll I hope it's alright but i'm gonna head out." He looked back at the girl a few feet behind him. "Will you be alright getting home?"

You tried not to look disappointed, you understood he'd rather spend time with anyone but you. Like second nature you put a smile on your face to hide the truth. "Of course, have fun. I'll talk to you later."

"Thanks your the best." He kissed your forehead before quickly leaving with his new date.

You turned back around in your seat and willed yourself not to cry. You paid your tab and wiped the tear that was about to fall before rushing out of the bar. You were so lost in your thoughts you didn't hear someone calling you till you felt a hand on your shoulder and you jumped in fear. You turned around and saw your friend Steve.

"Hey, I'm sorry I didn't mean to scare you. I was calling you but you didn't hear me, are you okay? I saw Bucky leaving with someone before I had the chance to say hi."

"Yeah I'm fine, I was tired anyways just ready to head home."

"Okay." He noticed the look on your face. You were smiling but your eyes seemed so sad, it seemed familiar to him. "well let me at least walk you home, it's late and I'd feel better making sure you got home safe."

"You don't have to do that, I'm fine. You should go enjoy your Friday night." He's probably pitying you, you're nothing but a burden to him.

"Please. I just want to make sure you're okay."

You nod and quietly continue walking home.

After some time Steve speaks up. "Recently, I have noticed some differences in you and wondered how you're doing."

You try and act calm. "I'm fine Steve, just a lot of work is all. Nothing you should worry about."

"That's the thing though I am worried. The way you've been acting is the same way my dad used to act. He tried to put up this tough front and act like he was fine but he wasn't. There were days when he just couldn't get out of bed, at the time I didn't understand what was wrong. He needed help but he didn't want to admit it."

You came to a stop in front of your apartment building. You wiped away the tears that were starting to form as Steve continued to speak.

"You have the same look on your face as he did when you think you people aren't looking. I regret not asking him this, it's too late for him but not for you." Tears were forming in his eyes as he was reliving the memories of losing his dad. "I need you to tell me, are you okay and what can I do to help you?"

You started to shake your head, you didn't want to put your problems onto him. Steve had enough going on in his life, how dare you burden other people with your problems.

Almost as if he knew what you were thinking he pulled you into a tight hug. "I promise you are not a burden to me or any of your friends, we love you and we just want to help."

The dam broke and once you started crying you couldn't stop. "It hurts everyday Steve and it won't stop. I try my hardest to be strong but I can't do it anymore. I can't act like I'm okay when I'm dying inside. I hate myself and I hate that I'm causing you problems. I just, I feel worthless and I can't."

"You need help, it's the only way things will get better. You can't let this eat away at you till you can't take it anymore, we can't lose you. It kills me how your mind can make you feel so worthless."

Steve stays over that night, you talk and understand the best thing for you to do is move back home with your dad in Seattle and get the proper help you need. You call your dad and apologize for waking him up before explaining the situation, he's more than happy to welcome you back home. You and Steve spend the rest of the night making a plan. You'll take what's most necessary to Seattle and leave the rest in storage until you're ready, if you're ever ready to return to New York.

You don't see or hear from Bucky again till a few days later. By then you're all packed up and ready to leave waiting for your cab to arrive. He pulls up to your building and sees you hugging Steve and suitcases by your side.

"Thank you for everything Steve, I didn't realize how much help I really needed if it weren't for you."

"Of course, I just want you to be okay. Don't be afraid to call me if you ever need to talk and I promise to visit." He turns around when he hears a car door close and sees Bucky walking towards the both of you. "I think i should get going now, call me when you land." With that said he walks towards his car and greets Bucky before driving off.

Bucky walks towards you confused about the situation. "Hey, what's going on? Are you going on a trip you didn't tell me about?"

"I'm going home to Seattle Bucky." Your grip tightens on your suitcase handle.

"To visit? How long are you going for?"

You let out a breath. "No, I'm not sure how long I'll be gone."

"Wait, what do you mean." He started to raise his voice at you. "Were you just going to leave without telling me? How can you do this to me? We're supposed to be best friends."

"Yes we are supposed to be best friends so tell me why you never notice something was wrong. Bucky, if we were really best friends you would have noticed how depressed I am. I felt, I feel like I'm dying inside some days but you're so preoccupied with your love life you couldn't be bothered to notice. Look Bucky, I care about you and I want you to be happy but right now I need to focus on me and I can't do that here."

He started to cry once he knew the truth. "I'm sorry, i'm sorry I didn't notice but please don't leave me."

Your cab pulled up and it was time to leave, the driver took your bags and you asked him to give you a minute. You pulled Bucky to the side. "I'm sorry but I have to go now. I hope I can be well enough one-day to come back but for now I can't be here." You pull him into one last hug and kiss his forehead before letting go.

Before you get into your cab with tears in his eyes he speaks up. "Before you go. Was there something I could've said to make it all stop hurting?"

"Honestly, all you had to do was ask are you okay?" And with that you left, hopefully one day soon you'd be able to return as a better person in a better place.

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#bucky barnes x reader #bucky barnes imagine #steve rogers x reader #steve rogers imagine #Bucky Barnes #Steve Rogers #before you go

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powerosewaterpuff · 4 years

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I KINDA SORTA RAN TO TUMBLR BC I HAD AN IDEA TO ADD TO MY REVERSE ROBIN AU AND FUCKKKK WHY I DO THIS TO MYSELF? ILL NEVER KNOW BUT AM I UPSET THO? NOT REALLY SO UH THIS IS A LITTLE HEADCANON/IDEA OF BRUCE AND ROBIN (DICK) GOING OUT, BRUCE GETTING HIT BY FEAR TOXIN AND IS SEEING JASON EVERYWHERE AND DICK HAS TO TALK HIM OUT OF IT SO Y E A H

it had been a reasonably quiet night, suspiciously quiet really when bruce looked back on it, but hindsight is 20/20. that didn’t really stop him from blaming himself.

he had repeatedly asked dick to go back home, that he wasn’t needed tonight (really it was the encapsulating fear that was gnawing at his heart, he could not afford to lose another son, he didn’t even know if he could make it after this loss)

dick had interpreted that as go home, you’re going to be deadweight on my mission. this, of course, sparked his famous temper that could only be rivaled by jason, and even then alfred was the only one who could properly tame dick when he was riled up in anger. so, the young vigilante stubbornly refused, stomping his feet onto the ground and staring right up at bruce. a determined glare that would’ve made anyone besides bruce or alfred back down immediately, but even bruce had to admit, it was going to be a lot more work having to deal with dick stubbornly refusing his orders, than it was if he let dick follow along safely, and it was a quiet night anyways.

it wasn’t a quiet night. and bruce had ended up resisting a full spray of fear toxin long enough to detain the criminals and sprint off into an alley. his eyes were squeezed shut, because everywhere he looked he saw a little ghost. bloody, mangled and bruised with a shreded black costume, reaching out to him and asking, “why.” shutting his eyes didn’t exactly stop him from hearing his sons little voice all around him, whywhywhywhyhelpmehelpmehelpmehelpmelookatmelookatmedadpleasedad

dick had blamed himself. after hastily explaining the situation to commissioner gordon he took off. swinging around the city trying to find out where bruce had went. his mind was screaming, asking how stupid he had been to let bruce take the spray for him. his whole point of being out here was to protect bruce, before he self-immolated on his pyre of self-loathing. he then managed to find bruce curled up at the end of a twisted alley.

slowly approaching, dick could hear bruce’s heavy breathing, shuddering with every heave of his lungs. he managed to get close enough to sit in front of him, and whisper, “bruce, can you hear me?”

that had been his first mistake, as bruce’s lens on the cowl blasted open and he backed up even farther away, pushing off from his leg and whispering something. dick could feel his stomach plummet as he swore he could hear bruce muttering, “jason.”

he swallowed the ball of tears climbing up to his throat. he would not cry, because he was not a child. bruce needed him, and he would always be there for him. he tried again, “bruce, i-it’s me. it’s dick, alright?

he knew better then to take off his domino but maybe it would bring bruce some comfort to see blue eyes rather then the green ones haunting his vision. he slowly ripped his domino off, approaching bruce yet again. he promised bruce he wasn’t going to hurt him, he was just sitting. just sitting. he knew better then to startle bruce when under fear toxin, that had been a lesson jason had shown him before, on the rare occasion bruce hadn’t been able to resist long enough for an antidote. it made dick’s eyes burn with unshed tears yet again, because he wasn’t jason. he couldn’t be jason, but that was okay (was it) because he was still going to get bruce out of this.

he sat in front of bruce, crossing his legs and stretching out his hands with his palms up, “see? i’m real, bruce. take my hand and you’ll see, i promise it’s just me. it’s dick, no-not jason, okay? here, take my hand and try.”

he waits a bit, but he stays still. he waits for bruce whose breathing heavily and darting his eyes around, tracking an invisible being dick couldn’t see. his vision then falls on dick, who gives a soft smile and keeps his hands out, stretching them towards bruce more, as an invitation.

it was a swift movement, as bruce pulled dick by his hands and into a tight hug. he held onto him like his life depended on it, pulling him to his chest and pressing his forehead against dick’s head. dick practically melted in his arms, wrapping around bruce in a koala like posture. he had dialled for alfred a while ago, to prep the antidote and to get the car to drive over here on auto drive (dick could drive it, alright? he knew how, jason had taught him but bruce didn’t have much trust in jason’s teachings, after dick and jason had trotted home, with scrapes and cuts all over the place because jason had been trying to teaching dick how to drift, even though neither of them had even been legally allowed to drive. bruce swore these boys would be the end of him)

they stayed like that for a while, bruce rocking back and forth with his son in his arms. driving away all the screams of a dying ghost, leaving only remnants of a whisper. it wasn’t until a while later that dick gently tapped on bruce’s arm, after catching sight of the batmobile pulling up. bruce was paranoid at first, holding dick even tighter and darting his head around, searching for an indescribable danger. dick softly whispered that everything was alright, he just wanted to take bruce to the batmobile, that was all.

bruce had become somewhat lucid, going on one of his only lucid stretches of that night to dick’s dismay but also relief as he managed to pull bruce into the batmobile and lay him down in the back, locking all the doors as he sat in the drivers seat. he knew better then to start driving when bruce would most probably start losing his lucidity and try to claw out of the batmobile. he just started the car and directed it to go home, as he climbed into the back, laying on the car floor next to bruce, just holding his hand that practically engulfed his own.

when they had arrived home, and alfred had been able to inject the antidote in intravels, did dick let himself tear up a bit, as he changed out of his robin uniform. he just wanted jason here, that’s all he wanted. he wanted him to ruffle his hair, give him warm hugs, watch movies with him, hold him tightly and tell him that everything was going to be fine because he was jason’s little brother, and no one would fucking hurt him, not as long as jason lived. dick took a deep breath though, he was fine. he had no need to cry right now, he could do that later. bruce still needed him, his father needed him. so he would suck up his fears, vulnerablities and everything else, and shove it into a little box in his heart, and spin around and go help bruce. with a firm nod that no one saw, dick did just that.

that night, dick had been curled up in bruce’s behemoth of a bed, holding onto bruce tightly, as a movie droned on in the background. bruce was absentmindedly playing his dick’s hair, taking deep breathes and reassuring himself that dick was here, he was safe. no one was going to hurt him. he was currently next to him, not blown up to bits in a warehouse in Ethiopia and the ghost clinging onto his wilting mind was just that. a ghost.

“bruce?”

“hm.”

“i love you.”

with a kiss to the forehead and a sigh bruce whispered, “i love you too.”

SEE I CAN WRITE FLUFF. SOMETIMES. MAYBE. LISTEN HURT AND COMFORT IS MY SHIT OK? AND LIKE IK THIS IS RUSHED BUT I LOVED THE IDEA SO MUCH?? AND I REALLYY LIKE THIS AU SO LIKE YK IMMA RUN WITH IT BC LIKE WHY NOT?? HONESTLY ID LOVE TO WRITE A SERIES OF FICS OF THIS ON AO3 BUT LIKEE SIS DOESNT HAVE THE PATIENCE FOR THAT NOR DOES SHE HAVE THE TALENT BUT THATS FINEEE SO YK TYSM FOR READING HEHE AND UH EXPECT MORE IG I ADORE THIS AU SO :)!!! (OH AND EXCUSE ANY SPELLING MISTAKES IM SORRY, I DEF DID NOT PROOFREAD THIS ENOUGH)

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wehavelayers-shrek · 4 years

Text

Dear diary, DM

Fluff, Draco's pov

Pairing:ravenclawreaderxDracoMalfoy

Summary:draco has a journal containing his secret love for a certain someone

Dracos pov

He was writing on his journal about a particular girl, he saw her at a celebration party of slytherin she was not a slytherin but a ravenclaw so it shocked him seeing you there. She was mysterious he never saw her around hogwarts before or maybe he never noticed you but either way he admired your beauty she the way you danced it felt like his own world stopped for a minute he chanced it he went up to you.

"what a surprise a ravenclaw crashing a party little out of character don't you think"

"oh piss off draco Im just having a good time"

"you know me?"

"who doesn't know the Slytherin prince"

"thank you that's really flattering"

"I'm not flattering you draco ive heard your a bully"

"no I'm not" he tried defending himself

"tell that to the students who tremble in fear when they see you"

As he was going to speak back a girl was dragging the beautiful girl.

"OWL ME ILL BE WAITING" he shouted at her

He could only see her look back at him and smile

That was over a month ago she never gave him he was patiently waiting for her letters. It was driving him crazy he desperately wanted to find her but he couldn't. He was laying l on his bed thinking how can he find her again.

Until he saw a a letter peeking through his door

It said "hey draco it's the girl you met in the party I'm sorry I didn't introduce myself anyways my name is y/n have you waited for my letter I was really busy so I didn't get a chance to send you a letter but if your up we can meet at the courtyard later after our class"

He immediately jumped with joy his face lighting up he was so happy that the girl never forgot him.

He went to go to the courtyard after his classes he was really excited to see her again

He saw her sitting there a book on her hand she assumed he didn't notice him walking towards her

He was in front of her he faked cough to get her attention

"draco sit down beside me" she said

He sat down

"the weather's great today don't you think"

He only nodded in response he was admiring her beauty

"so draco if you don't mind me asking what are you doing tonight"

He heard one of his friends ay that when a girl asks you this you need to be confident in what you anwsered he was so lost at the moment that he said "going out with you"

Clearly she was shocked same as him she smiled at him grabbed her things and said

"3 broomsticks tonight don't be late blondie" she was now leaving

He was left there in awe processing what just had happen he was so happy he went back in his room and writes about what just happened

"you won't believe what happened after a long time of searching I FOUND her she sent me a letter and now I'm going to have a date with her she has a pretty name y/n quite unique she really is beautiful I can't even focus on what she was saying I was so lost at her eyes just like the first time I saw her, who knew blaise's pickup lines would work I usually think his pickup lines was cringy but it worked so I'm going to try to be extra nice to him the next time we meet, I'm really excited I can't even contain myself well I better get going I don't want to be late" he closed his "journal" and proceeds to get ready he put on his cologne and brushed his blonde hair

He went to the three broomsticks extra early

He waited for about 5 minutes glancing at every person that walks in until he saw her he couldn't take off his eyes off she had the brightest smile, he could feel his butterflies on his stomach. He saw her walking towards him

"I'm impressed it's the first time a guy has been early"

"well I don't want my lady to keep waiting"

They started chatting about their interests draco had fun he felt like he could share anything to her opening up about his insecurities to her and her doing the same.

After hours of chatting they decided to head out the 3 broomsticks the cold breeze of the wind can be felt and the moon shining it's light on the road. They heard music as they were walking she stopped and gestured him to dance with him he looked at her dumbfounded

"y/n what are you doing" he laughed

"dancing duh, come on join me no one's watching"

She dragged him and danced with him they heard that the music changed into a slow song and draco took this opportunity to dance with her

Putting his hands on her waist and her putting her hands on his shoulder

"you're a good dancer draco, you should do it more often than being an arse to everyone"

"well if you give me the honor to dance with you for the yule ball I might just stop"

"gosh I'm so flattered the draco malfoy asking me out on a date" teasing him

He could feel his face burning up he didn't know what to say

Until he heard the music stopped

"you can let go now blondie" she said letting him go he was dissatisfied he wanted to held her some more he soon let go of her waist.

"so is that a yes?" He questioned her looking at her eyes that was now glistening

"Yes Draco I'll go to the ball with you"

He can feel his heart jumping with joy he felt like he was on top of the world

"thank you y/n you don't know how much this means to me" he said the happiness in his voice can be heard

They started to walk back to their dorms he decided to walk her back to her dorm so she can be safe

As they were on the door of her room he asked her

"so did you like our little date?"

"the best date I could ever asked for"

He didn't expect her to kiss him but she did it was magical his eyes widen but soon he kissed back

"I hope you like my gift draco I'll see you tomorrow blondie" as she walked inside her room

He couldn't even moved from his spot he was definitely crazy in love with her.

He went back to his room laying on his bed thinking of the things that just happened he never forgot to write all of this to his journal no detail was left behind. He knew that she would be the one that he would spend his lifetime with. He would make sure that he and her would spend their lifetime together.

#Spotify #draco fanfiction #draco imagine #draco x reader #draco fluff

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sunnydaisy1 · 4 years

Text

Break In

FRED WEASLEY X OC

A/N: I wrote this as a fred weasley x oc story because I find it easier to write with one of my own characters. My oc is Gemma Wood, Oliver Wood’s sister who is the same age as the Weasley twins.

THIS IS SO LONGG WHATTTTT (srsly tho its insane)

Everyone had been on edge the whole day since the break in last night. I personally wasn’t too worried, knowing that the situation had been blown out of proportion by gossiping between the students.

I was currently sitting in transfiguration watching McGonagall explain how to give a cup some hands and i was bored out of my mind. I didn’t see the point in learning this, it would never help me in life and it was such a waste of time. I looked to the clock in the room and sighed when i realised we still had twenty minutes left. I couldn’t wait for end of lesson when i could enjoy my evening before heading to dinner and then my oh so comfy duvet. A movement in the corner of my eye caught my attention and I saw Fred a few desks in front of me to the left putting his finger up to who i could only assume was lee and george sitting at the back. I shook my head at his rude gesture and continued to watch him converse animatedly with our best friends. He must have felt me watching because his freckled face turned to me and grinned, causing me to narrow my eyes at him. He winked at me and I blushed slightly, a small smile creeping out from my lips. Fred continued to watch me as he motioned to McGonagall and yawned making me giggle slightly.

“Mr Weasley turn to the front please, stop distracting Miss Wood.” McGonagall suddenly said and i blushed but Fred just beamed and turned to the front, sending me a not so subtle wink. “Sorry Professor.” He said, making McGonagall shake her head. She often told myself, Lee and the twins to pay attention because we were too busy goofing off to each other so it was no change for her to see Fred watching me.

The lesson continued and I sleepily watched the minutes tick by, occasionally glancing at the red-haired goof across the room. Without warning, a voice echoed throughout the classroom and Dumbledore’s voice rang out. “Once last class has finished all students are to go straight to the Great Hall for an announcement. Thankyou.” I looked around in confusion as did the rest of the class, what was the announcement for?

McGonagall cleared her throat and brought our attention back to the front, “Settle down, we still have 6 minutes left of this lesson and I am not planning on wasting it.” A few students groaned and I looked back to george and lee who just shrugged, probably continuing to play noughts and crosses on their parchment. My eyes trained on Fred again and noticed he too was looking at me, I furrowed my eyebrows questioningly, signally my confusion. Fred nodded and shrugged slightly as well, mouthing, “break in?” I nodded, “maybe.” Katie Bell elbowed me from her seat next to me and I looked to the front to see McGonagall looking at me, her lips drawn into a thin line. I sunk down in my seat a little, not daring to look at Fred again, knowing he would be teasingly grinning at me.

The lesson ended fairly quickly, all students hurriedly grabbing their books and heading for the door. I caught up with the twins and lee on the way out, “what do you think old dumbledore wants to talk to us about?”

George shrugged, “dunno, maybe there’s been another break in.” Lee nodded in agreement and I looked up to Fred beside me. “Scared Freddie?” I teased, nudging him with my shoulder. “No chance.” He grinned, scooting past a few first years walking too slow. “Yeah right, you screamed yesterday when i put a worm down your shirt.” I jeered back and Fred frowned. “Just wasn’t expectin that one, thas all.” I shook my head, amused before heading to our favourite spot on the Gryffindor table. I plonked all my books down as Fred and Angelina sat either side of me.

“Oy Ang, move up will you, Fred won’t move his fat arse.” I said and she obliged, allowing me to fit both legs under the table. “That’s no way to speak to your best friend young lady.” Fred replied and I rolled my eyes, “can’t help it when your bum is in the way.” He pushed me slightly and I pushed him back, almost causing him to fall off the bench. Fred grabbed my arms to steady himself, “nearly pushed me off their gem.” I sarcastically smiled at him, “oh what a shame.”

Fred opened his mouth to reply but was cut off by Dumbledore’s loud voice grabbing our attention. “Quiet please!” At once all chatter died down and the hall was full of silence, anticipating Dumbledore’s words. “As I am sure you have all heard, there was a break in at Hogwarts last night.” A few whispers broke through the silence but was quickly stopped by fellow students. “Our school is guarded by the most advanced spells and enchantements so do not fear, you are perfectly safe. However, we have decided that to best supervise you, the first 4 years will be sleeping in the dungeons and the rest will be sleeping in here.”

At once, uproar ripped throughout the hall, the change in sleeping area having caused immense uncertainty and confusion. “SILENCE!” Dumbledore yelled and once again, the room was deafingly quiet. “We understand that this sudden change is confusing but rest assured, you are in the safest hands possible. Now, if you could all please return to your common rooms and get changed into appropriate clothing. We will provide you with a mat and sleeping bag when you come down to your assigned area so bring whatever else you find necessary. By that i mean the essentials, not your whole dormitory. We expect you all down within 1 hour, further instructions will await once you arrive.” Dumbledore stepped back as the tables were each dismissed and i followed angelina and katie to our room.

“Jeez they must actually be concerned.” Katie said as we gathered the stuff we needed for sleeping. “I reckon they just want to keep an eye out for people sneaking out past curfew.” Angie said as she rummaged for her pyjamas. “Yeah, can’t have anyone go missing.” I replied, finding my shorts. “Im gonna have a shower before heading down, you guys wanna come?” Katie asked and I nodded. “May as well.” Angie said and we gathered our bathroom things before walking to the girls showers.

Once Angie had finished and I had plaited my hair, we walked out the bathrooms and back to our dorm to collect our stuff, bumping into the twins and Lee on their way back to their room. I felt my heart flutter as I brushed past Fred, his hair wet and dripping from the shower, his towel flung over one shoulder and white tshirt slightly wet. He beamed at me as we past and I blushed, trying to shake the image of him out my head.

“Should we just grab our stuff and wait in the common room for a while, we still have 20 minutes until we have to be down and I don’t know about you but that hall is looking less appealing than it did an hour ago.” Katie spoke up and I nodded, gathering my pillows and stuff before following them down the steps. Fred was lying on the sofa, watching George and Lee wrestle. “Urm i think ill see you guys in there.” I said to Katie and Angie who smirked at me. “Okay we’ll save you a space.” I nodded and walked over to my red-haired best friend. I threw my stuff on the ground beside the sofa and clambered next to Fred’s lanky figure.

“Oh hi Gem.” Fred said, moving up a little so i could lay beside him. I had wormed my way between his body and the back of the sofa, squidged with warmth. “You excited for our sleepover in the hall Freddie?” I asked and Fred nodded, a cheeky grin on his face. “Can’t wait to keep you ladies up all night dreaming about my gorgeous self only mere inches away from you.” I rolled my eyes but smiled, “more like having nightmares.” Fred pretended to be hurt and put a hand over his chest, “oh how you wound me Gemma.”

I giggled and he wrapped an arm around my shoulders, letting me rest my head on his sweater-clad chest. I closed my eyes and breathed in, enjoying his woody and sweet smell. Fred took one of the ends of my plaits in his hands and brushed it along my face, causing me to scrunch my nose. “Stop it that tickles.” Fred chuckled, contuining anyway. I rolled my eyes and sat up, allowing his head to fall back into my lap slightly. His ginger hair looked so tantalizing, messed up from his shower and still slightly damp. I reached out to touch it as Fred continued to watch his twin tackle Lee. He sighed as I ran my fingers through it, loving how soft it was. Fred looked so handsome, a grey sweater on his top, plaid pyjama bottoms and a content look on his freckled face.

“Don’t fall asleep on me Freddie.” I said, poking his cheek, making him open his eyes back up. “Piss off, I was just enjoying you playing with my hair.” He replied and I blushed, making him grin smugly. We stayed like that for a bit longer until one of the prefects yelled for everyone to get down to the hall. We groaned but got up, Fred yawning and rubbing his face. I watched him dreamily until George waved his hand obnoxiously in front of my face. “Come on, stop drooling over my brother.” I blushed and shoved him, making him trip over slightly which made me chuckle.

We soon reached the hall and queued up behind the rest of the upper school before we were directed to McGonagall. She narrowed her eyes at us and handed us each a sleeping bag. “No funny behaviour tonight you four, I don’t want to seperate you lot. Boys on that side, girls on that side.” Fred at once spoke up, “that’s not fair miss, we want to sleep next to Gemma.” McGonagall pursed her lips. “I appreciate your affection for Miss Wood but we have rules Mr Weasley and I’m sure she can survive one evening without your presence.” I grinned and elbowed Fred, “yeah Freddie bugger off for once.” The ginger boy next to me frowned and fake pouted. George and Lee cackled next to us but McGonagall’s face was getting paler by the second. “Enough of that, now head to bed before I give detention to you all.”

She shooed us away and we headed to the 6th year area. I spotted Katie and Angelina sorting out their mats alongside Alicia, one of our quidditch friends. I turned to the three idiots beside me, “right you lot im heading to bed, ill see you in the morning.” Lee yawned, “Night Gem.” George followed suit but Fred stood grinning. “What do you want Freddie?” I asked, waving to the girls who beckoned me over. “Nothin gem.” I frowned and narrowed my eyes, “okay then goodnight.” Fred nodded and reached out for a hug. I rolled my eyes but gave in, a smile spreading over my cheeks when I wrapped my arms around his toned chest. “Night Gem.”

I walked over to the girls area and excitedly squealed when I noticed Angie had snuck some sweets down. “Oh your a legend.” I said, lying my bag down on the mat layed out between the three girls. They had chosen the row closest to the walkway between the two sides of the hall. I grabbed a handful of Bertie Bott’s beans and climbed into my sleeping bag, leaving it unzipped. “Hope you don’t mind, we chose the row at the front cos we didn’t want people treading over us all night.” Alicia said and I nodded, “yeah good choice.” Katie handed me a chocolate frog and we sat chatting for 10 minutes while more students filed into the hall.

A loud shout of my name above the chatter of the hall caught my attention and I looked up to see the twins and Lee grinning at me from across the room. I rolled my eyes and sighed. Katie chuckled and elbowed my side, “can never get away from them can you?” I laughed and nodded, “nope, they’re everywhere.” Angie and Alicia spotted them a second after, chuckling at George hopelessly tangled up in his sleeping bag. Fred waved at me, beaming and I sighed, turning slightly out of the circle we had formed to wave at him. He grinned even wider and I mouthed to him, “howd you get to the front?” Fred shrugged but pointed to Fin Parker behind him who I knew Fred sat near to in Divination. He mouthed, “we swapped.” I shook my head and smiled, turning back to the girl’s conversation. We chatted and scoffed our faces with sweets, discussing the latest gossip running through Hogwarts.

I heard my name being called again, Fred shouting above the raucous of voices. “OY GEMMA!” I whipped round and frowned, making a questioning face at him. He mouthed, “come over here.” I shook my head and stuck my finger up at him, a wide grin on my face. Fred acted hurt and his jaw fell open, I turned once again back to the group, blush adorning my cheeks. I saw Angie looking at me knowingly while Alicia and Katie debated about which flavour bean was best. “So what’s going on between you and Fred then Gem?” She spoke up, instantly causing the two bickering girls to go silent and turn to me. I frowned and felt my face heat up, “urm what?” Katie smirked as she rummaged through the box of sweets. “He so fancies you Gemma.”

I laughed at the absurd thought, “no way, we’re best friends!” Angie shook her head, “yeah but he still fancies the socks off of you.” I shook my head, “no he doesn’t.” Alicia joined in, munching on some liquorice, “yes he does. it’s so obvious.” I scoffed, thoughts racing through my mind about the not so subtle fact I had fancied Fred since second year. “You can deny it all you want but he does. He tries to impress you every lesson and he never stops pestering you.” Alicia continued. “Yeah but that’s cos we’re friends.” I replied, confusion clouding my mind. “He can’t keep his eyes off you Gem, like seriously he never stops staring at you.” I at once frowned, reaching for a liquorice snap. “No that’s crazy.” Katie laughed and nudged me, “he’s looking now.” I whipped my head round to see Fred sitting opposite George and Lee with a pack of cards in his hands watching me. He unashamedly grinned as I turned back round and blushed bright red. “See, it’s so obvious. In DADA the other day, Lupin had to move Fred because he wouldn’t stop looking at you.” I laughed, “no that’s cos he was messing around with Lee.” Angie shook her head. “Gemma, Fred fancies you and I know you fancy him too because you always blush when he’s around and you can’t say no to him.”

I felt my face heat up and I sighed, “Yeah i like him but he doesn’t think of me that way.” Alicia grinned and handed Katie the last of the beans. “He does though, me and Angie heard him talking to George about it in the changing rooms once you had left.” I frowned and shook my head, “you guys are crazy. Fred Weasley does not fancy me.”

An hour later, all students were in the hall and most of the teachers had left apart from McGonagall and Lupin. The ceiling had been changed to soft glowing candles that gave the room a soft glow and lots of students were settling down. McGonagall walked to the middle of the walkway between the boys and girls sides of the room and clapped twice for our attention. “Ladies and gentlemen, it is time to quieten down and go to sleep, you still have lessons tomorrow and I for one would not like to be kept up with incessant chit chat. I would like to remind you the toilets are on the first floor and Mr Filch will be patrolling along with the Prefects so do not try to sneak out. Boys are to stay on this side of the room and girls the other, if you do not obey these rules you shall face serious consequences. Goodnight everyone.” McGonagall walked down the room and out the door, her heels clicking along as Lupin followed behind her.

Once the door had closed, students started chattering more and moving around, completely disregarding any of McGonagall’s prior warning. The girls and I were currently sitting in our sleeping bags, talking about the upcoming quidditch game when i saw a certain ginger sauntering across the room. “Helloo ladiess.” Fred said as he stopped in front of our mats, a cheeky smirk on his face. “Piss off Freddie, we’re talking.” I said and Fred grinned, “no can do Gem, i have come to enlighten you this evening with my fine presence.” I rolled my eyes and Angie laughed, shuffling her matt slightly away from mine. “If you’ve got food you can come and sit down.” She said, patting the space beside me. At once Fred put his hands in his pockets and pulled out a large amount of Honeyduke’s sweets.

At that moment, the great hall’s immense doors opened and McGonagall stepped through, a rolled up piece of parchment in hand. She spotted a fourth year standing by the door and at once started scolding him. The older students who had risked sneaking to the other side scampered back to their own mats and Fred went to sneak back when a loud voice boomed across the hall. “FREDERICK WEASLEY!” Fred sheepishly turned around to see the green-clad professor storming her way down to him. “And what do you think you’re doing young man?” She asked, making Fred flinch. “Going to bed.” He answered, glancing at me quickly. I watched on smugly, amused at him getting scolded. “Damn right you are. Go back to your own mat please Mr Weasley.” Fred nodded and turned around to walk to the other side of the room as McGonagall walked away. When she had reached a few fifth year girls being particularly roudy, he whipped back to me, grabbed my sleeping bag and dragged me out across the room.

I burst out laughing, my body being pulled towards Fred’s mat. This caught the furious woman’s attention and she snapped back to face us, walking angrily along the path. Fred hadn’t noticed and winked at me, continuing to drag me across the room. The piece of rolled parchment in McGonagalls hand came down on his head, Fred letting go of my bag to rub his head. “Mr Weasley do not drag Miss Wood across the room, behave yourself and go to sleep.” She turned to me, lying on the floor grinning. “Do not encourage him Miss Wood, he finds it a challenge as it is controlling himself around you.” I sat up, “Yes Ma’am.” Fred was still standing there and McGonagall turned to him again, “SLEEP BOY!” Fred cowered and went to lie down on the floor next to me. I laughed and could see George and Lee absolutely wetting themselves. McGonagall instantly wacked Fred’s head again, “MR WEASLEY! Never have I seen such cheek, now stop trying to impress Miss Wood with your foolish antics and go sleep in that corner.”

I walked back to my mat, watching as Fred trailed sheepishly behind McGonagall, now being scolded in the corner. I sat down on my mat and laughed as Fred cowered at McGonagall’s harsh words. He glanced at me frequently, causing McGonagall to wack him on the head again each time.

Once she walked away, Fred lied down in the corner, and I got in my bag as she came over to me. “Miss Wood, do not make me give you the same punishment as Mr Weasley. Go to sleep and stop disturbing others.” I nodded and watched her walk out the room, shutting the door behind her. I lied down and Angie turned to me, “told you he fancied you.” I rolled my eyes but grinned, the thoughts of the cheeky red-haired boy across the room filling my mind.

A/N: Lol that took forever. Its probably awful but oh well. Hope you enjoyed :)

#fred weasley x reader #fred #fred weasley #harry potter #imagine #minnie mcgonagall #weasley #george weasley #george #lee jordan #dumbledore

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ishallgood · 3 years

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Meet kali - meditation - 8/5/21

ahaha! and lo behold, the day after i complain of her missing, she appears. (secretly knew this would be the case). mm, during meditation i spotted a particularly lovely right eye - brown colour - a plain acknowledging look, as if to say "oh, hi, let's begin shall we?", like i was expected, like a nod to a colleague, an acknowledgment of co-existence.

these days i dont focus on the images. in the beginning id flip at all the images and things being show to me. i used to think that they meant something BIG. like i had super accelerated my spiritual journey. i was barely in it but i already wanted super powers. my mother loves me though.

kali asked me to study her. so i flipped to a wikipeadia page and got bored. the hindu spiritual texts piss me off cos its so complicated and i cant wrap my head around the compex sanskrit texts. the gita is a whole another story, no complaints, i love the way kanna explains concepts - but his origin story itself, i dont know how much i'd appreciate the technicalities of it all. like a little child i find myself cribbing that they dont have a "vedic spirituality for dummies" text. i bought a smart book for the gita and i havent touched it. i had bought it in the hopes of besting everybody else and even kanna himself with intellectual upgrade. that book sits quietly at the bottom of a plastic cover somewhere.

as of writing this piece i havent told anyone i started blogging. i fear it might make me switch gear to writing what other people want - than what i want, which is everything, i wanna write everything.

my head hurts cos i have so many verses, stories, blogs and ideas swimming around and they're so cantenkarous! oh goly. its like a prison mess with the prisoners bashing and clanking their utensils in sign of protest to the dictatorial regime of the Censor. the character that uses logic to decide whether their sentences of banishment to the mere confined of my inner cerebellum will be short or long. oh shit, we were supposed to dissect kali.

i asked her: how do i study you? she replied: channel me; i guffawed: no one will believe that im channelling you! do you want me labelled as delirious than crazy?; she diffidantly replied: as opposed to what exactly?; i told you, kali in my head is this rude bitch but die for you types. but i love this exercise of writing in the middle of some sea in the internet, bobbing up and down on a bandwidth. oh what a smart line. good job, ma. so kali kali kali.

who is kali? well, ask her - who are you? she slaps straight across my head (anime lover, i see) i'm your mother, she responds and huffs. my throat has gotten tight, a sign that im not speaking my truth somewhere. possibly with the handsome chap. dont know about him, only time will tell. kali, back to you - i am air, fire, wind (yes we know that ma - you are everything and nothing *yawns* i love you); she laughs, you're a spoilt child; i am your spoilt child, i wiggled an eyebrow. but seriously, ma - i dont know vedic scriptures like my friends do, they've been taught since they were kids! their diction in sanskrit is ooooh-la-la!; but what do you know, my love? she cocks her head to the side, her image represents Esdeath from Agame Ga Kill. suddenly i feel a rush of emotion as i realise that's why i love her character so much. i love Esdeath cos she reminds me of kali - not only because of her sexual inclination, but the sheer audacity with which she lives. deep within the inner child yearns more room to express herself. and cue the tears. oh, no. what vein have i struck now, pray tell? i wish i could reach towards Esdeath - look at her name, love, kali lovingly points out while a small tear bud tries to jump off my eyelid, oh, it succeeds only to be craddled by a finger. Esdeath - i googled her name - meaning "I am a sadist" - hahahaha! but no, kali meant "is death" in reponse to why i like esdeath so much. what kali represents to me is - destruction of the old, so i can awaken more and more into who i am. from the looks of it there's more and more to unearth, this truth.

oh! she is death. whenever i feel as though i am on my last foot cos of a cycle of death and awakening i can call on her. she is always present. kundalini, i am yet to study the correlation. from what i understand now kali = shakti= kundalini. in a vague way? idk i never feel competent to speak vedic stuff. but hey, i can speak what i have understood and are being taught as they are now. the snake man, the light being, the sparkle ball (oops! wrong name he might get offended) he sparkled only a few times today. but its never been as bright as that day when i was doing my japas and oh my! i could see him continuously shining like a ball to my left. i dont know what to call him yet. my right thigh complains. i wonder what other presents shiva will sent my way. oh thats right when i resume my japas with him maybe ill see an level up. hm.

im tired now. class ended. esdeath chuckles as she snaps her blue hair behind her and walks off, the image morphs into a beast with severed hands around its waist, not enough to cover her bare flesh. idk why they paint my mother as beautiful, she IS beautiful even without your makeup.

what did that handsome chap #2 say? "flow state"

periodot.

#spirituality #spiritualpath #spiritualjourney #kali goddess #vedicknowledge #conversation #journalling #diary entry

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dracwife · 4 years

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all i ask of you | adonis

its late and im soft leave me be, yes i used lyrics no i will not apologize

Ship: Gods & Monsters → Adonis/Erik

Word Count: 1632

Summary: Adonis attends the Masquerade, but it quickly goes awry and he finds himself instead alone on the balcony of the Opera Populaire.

The New Year -- a time of celebration.

Celebration of yet another passing twelve months, celebration of another successful show, celebration of another season free of the Opera Ghost's interference.

A celebration, in short, of Adonis' success.

Fireworks were set ablaze as champagne bottles were uncorked, a myriad of voices coming together in a cacophony of chatter and explosions in the distance.

Adonis stood in his dressing room, straightening his blazer, tugging gently at his collar, smoothing the wrinkles of his shirt -- he was wracked with nerves; despite his profession as a performer, these after-parties and all gatherings of the like frightened him nonetheless.

A simple mask, black as the rose he adorned as his boutonnière, was lifted gently from the vanity, and as he adorned it he glanced at himself in the mirror.

He was scarcely recognizable, his face shrouded entirely in darkness, his clothes far too formal for his own taste, and yet he wore them nonetheless, as he was obligated to attend tonight's ball after his rather successful performance.

The clock strikes ten and Adonis ponders for a moment how soon he should make an appearance.

Of course, he knows the sooner he does the sooner he can leave, but something draws him away from the party below.

A something that, in reality, was a someone, a someone that he had come to know as his distant admirer - a someone he has grown terribly fond of over the course of the past few months, perhaps even begun to care for in a strange way. He finds himself missing his Phantom now, wishing, waiting for him to appear and whisk him away from the masquerade below, but to his disappointment he does not appear neither behind him nor in the mirror before him, and alone is Adonis left in his dressing room.

He glances towards the singular rose that is left on his vanity, black like the one he himself has on his lapel, with a ribbon tied gently around the stem, a small note left under with terribly neat writing lining the paper:

"For my dearly beloved ghost."

Adonis turns towards the door, the gift left as an offering, a temptation maybe in hopes for his savior to find him before the night ends.

While he is nervous, Adonis finds himself mingling with the other guests, drinking and laughing, dancing with and befriending many of the women to approach him over the night's course. He hears the belltower distantly strike midnight, and cheers ring out as the New Year officially begins. He finds himself laughing lightly as he spins with yet another partner in dance, a waltz rapidement, her giggles infectious as they dance some strange mixture of intimacy and lighthearted fun.

He can feel the eyes burning into him from afar, and he knows that finally his darling Ghost has returned.

"Your attention elsewhere?" he hears the woman, who seems vaguely disappointed.

"My apologies, you see these parties, they make me quite anxious."

"Oh! But there is no need to worry," her voice dips and her tone changes, seductive and hopeful all the same, "We can slip away, if you'd like."

"N-No, I can't --"

"Come on, doesn't the star performer deserve such a reward for sharing with us his talent?"

Ah, so his disguise wasn't so clever after all.

"Madame, with due respect, I must decline."

She rips herself away from him in a huff, "I am not good enough for you?"

"It's not that at all -"

"And to think I have wasted my time so! Were you not anything more than a stagehand just a few months ago? Why, as a patron of this theater you should be thanking me for even daring to give you an audience!"

Adonis was stunned, unsure of how to react, how to handle the situation which seemed only to spiral the more he spoke. Instead he looked at her, this apparent patron of the Populaire, then away. Leaving might be his best option, he decides.

"Don't walk away from me, you streetrat!"

Now, heads began to turn towards the (rather one-sided) argument occurring. Others continued their conversations, their dances, their drinking, but the few that turned their attention towards him made Adonis feel terribly ill. His chest feels tight, and he found himself blinking away tears as the masked woman continued to barrage him with insults. At last she stopped, took a breath, and hissed towards him "Leave me to be then, you talentless waste of time. I pity the man that finds himself in your presence. You are nothing, and you always have been."

She storms off then, leaving Adonis a speechless, shaking mess, his anxieties overtaking him as he too rushes out of the hall. He speeds through the Opera's corridors, up the stairs, further and further until he finds himself gasping for fresh air on one of the many balconies outside of the private dressing rooms.

He scarcely knows he's crying, for he's too focused on trying to catch his breath which seems so far gone from him he finds it hard to stand -- a coughing and sputtering mess, his chest feels closed and his lungs are heavy, disallowing any air in. He is panicking, tearing the mask away and crying as he tries so hard to calm himself.

At last when he can finally breathe he wipes away the tears, instead leaning over the guard of the balcony and staring down.

How he hated himself so. The things she said to him, were they true? Never had he felt adequate before, and until recently he truly believed himself to be as seemingly worthless as she had made him out to be. Perhaps she was right. Perhaps he'd be better off --

It was then he heard the creak of the door behind him.

"She is a fool. She knows nothing of your talent."

Adonis can't bear to face him yet, though he wishes for nothing more than to collapse into his arms.

"Jealousy is the harshest of our emotions, isn't it?"

He should know, it had been boiling inside of him since he saw his Darling Angel dancing without him tonight. Not that he should ever admit it, but he felt so strongly for the young actor in front of him now, he could barely stand the thought of him giving his time to those so unappreciative, and in return be left so broken. He knew too well the feeling.

He approached him slowly, a hand barely coming out to touch Adonis, but was quickly pulled away. Erik had heard his quiet sobs, and with it his heart shattered. He was unsure how to comfort him, all he could do is stand there, contemplating.

Thinking, thinking of all the times Adonis had comforted him when he was left battered and bruised by the world above, all the soft touches and lingering glances, wandering hands and fleeting few moments of silence between the two. How terribly he wishes he could brush away Adonis' tears and find him once again smiling, able to hold him and recite to him all of the reasons he --

"Perhaps the world is better off without me."

"No. No," Erik cuts himself off, torn between his feelings of affection and his horrid fear of rejection, please, he pleads to himself, know how much I adore you, my Dearest Angel.

"I'm sure you feel the same. Take no pity on me, Phantom. You may leave as the rest of them. I think soon I will find myself far from here, I don't deserve the attention I seek from you."

"Anywhere you go, let me go too," Erik finds the words falling from his tongue before he can stop them, and he reaches out again, this time turning Adonis towards him, and in a bout of inconceivable sorrow and longing, his hand comes to rest on the singer's cheek, his thumb brushing away the tear that sits there shining against his skin in the moonlight, "My Angel, that's all I ask of you."

Erik is unsure of what has come over him, but his thumb traces gently along Adonis' lips.

How terribly he longs to kiss him, to understand his sadness and share in the sorrow that they two indulge themselves in, to bind them together and cure the loneliness that seems to plague himself so. And he knows this is a selfish wish, but so many nights left him inconsolable in his solitude and strife, he felt almost too selfish to stop himself.

But it was Adonis who moved first, so suredly did he pull Erik's face to his own, kissing him with a passion neither of the two had known before, unbeknownst by Erik to have even been harbored for him by the young actor. He did not stop him, though, and instead indulged in the feeling of Adonis so close, so trusting in him to leave himself so defenseless in his time of weakness. Adonis' hands came to rest upon Erik's cheeks, his thumbs tracing his jaw, holding him still close for another kiss. In return, Erik found himself dropping the rose he had taken from Adonis' dressing room, the one which he held so tightly in his grip, and instead tilting Adonis' chin upwards, inviting him to kiss him again, and again, and as many times as he could draw from the performer, so desperate for contact, desperate for affection.

At last Adonis pulls himself away from Erik's trembling lips, and rests instead his head against the taller man's shoulder.

"I might be inclined to stay, were you by my side."

"Always and forever, so long as you need me with you, here beside you."

Say you love me --

Erik holds Adonis close, fingers tracing lightly along his back, his only hope to comfort the other.

Adonis sighs, his final attempt to steady his breathing, "Please, let me stay with you tonight."

You know I do.

"As you wish, my Darling Angel."

#dex.writes #ship.gods & monsters #selfship #self shipping #self ship community #self ship #f/o #f/o community

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horansqueen · 4 years

Text

AM Conversations : chapter 39

A Niall Horan fanfiction ; rated MA

CHAPTER 1 || CHAPTER 2 || CHAPTER 3 || CHAPTER 4 || CHAPTER 5 || CHAPTER 6 || CHAPTER 7 || CHAPTER 8 || CHAPTER 9 || CHAPTER 10 || CHAPTER 11 || CHAPTER 12 || CHAPTER 13 || CHAPTER 14 || CHAPTER 15 || CHAPTER 16 || CHAPTER 17 || CHAPTER 18 || CHAPTER 19 || CHAPTER 20 || CHAPTER 21 || CHAPTER 22 || CHAPTER 23 || CHAPTER 24 || CHAPTER 25 || CHAPTER 26 || CHAPTER 27 || CHAPTER 28 || CHAPTER 29 || CHAPTER 30 || CHAPTER 31 || CHAPTER 32 || CHAPTER 33 || CHAPTER 34 || CHAPTER 35 || CHAPTER 36 || CHAPTER 37 || CHAPTER 38

NOTES:

-one chapter is her pov, the next is his. -4.6k -im sorry, i never proofread, i hate it. -there WILL be smut. but not only smut. -this is a romance, comedy, smut story. -for the summary, check my MASTERLIST.

- if you want to be notified when this is updated, please message me or leave a comment!

- you can send me questions and theories and comments. tbh they all make me SO SO SO SOOOO HAPPY! and make me want to write more! you can also tell me if there are things you WANT to happen. you never know, i may add it :P

- note for this chapter: an other tiny smut scene. and a long discussion. they will do more things when he comes back from his trip i promise! but there will still be a few more smut scenes in the future chapters. so yea i promise more action and less discussions in the next few chapters lol and since it took me so long to post this ill try to post an other chapter before friday :)

here are the ‘requests’ i added in this chapter!

Chapter 39 : Her chapter

OLIVIA

I stayed motionless, watching him fill his bag with barely anything, leaning against the door frame. I looked at him as he checked his list, crossing out everything as he added it to his stuff. He was concentrated and I didn't want to bother him, but my whole body was throbbing with stress, fear and sadness. I couldn't tell him that though, because I didn't want him to feel guilty about leaving. He deserved that break and he needed that trip. I would never be the one to stop him from doing anything. I said I was fine with it, and I still meant it, which didn't mean I was not sad to see him leave.

"I'm gonna miss you." I admitted in a low tone, leaning my head against the door frame too and making him turn around.

He took a few steps closer but I didn't move, I just watched him, trying to engrave this image in my head as if I was never going to see him again, as if he was leaving forever. I could swear I read sadness on his face until he sent me a small smile.

"I'm gonna miss you too." he admitted in a soft voice. "But it's only six weeks, right? That's what you said."

I smiled more, trying to reassure him, and licked my lips, pushing myself away from the door and tilting my chin up to look in his eyes. I knew six weeks would go by fast and that it was my own insecurity that made me doubt, but I couldn't stop thinking that so many things could happen in six weeks.

"I know, but i'll miss you anyway."

He bent down to press his lips against mine as his hands reached for my arms. He ran his fingers gently on the, making goosebumps appear on my skin, and I smiled against his mouth. I didn't want to worry about anything. I just wanted to trust him. I wanted to trust that his feelings wouldn't change and that he'd be faithful to me. I had to trust him.

"Oh, by the way, look what I found last time I went home."

I took a few steps back and searched through my backpack, handing him a book with a bigger smile. He took it, staring at it with a frown, and finally sat in bed and opened it. I sat next to him as his eyes roamed on the pictures inside. I followed his hand as he brought it on a picture, his fingertips brushing on my baby face and his own, printed on the glossy paper.

"You really were the cutest kid in the world." I just let out with a chuckle.

He glanced at me but quickly looked back at the pictures, tapping on my face with his finger.

"Me? Look at you, darling!"

I was about 10 on the picture and he was a few years younger but to me, it was already obvious how close we were, even back then. He flipped a few pages and I chuckled when I saw both of us dressed up for Halloween, and then sitting next to a Christmas tree.

"Oh my god, first day of first year!" he exclaimed.

His eyebrows raised and his lips curled and it took me everything to stop looking at him to look away. I felt my heart skip a beat when I noticed how I was looking at him on the picture. He was maybe twelve, and I was about fourteen, but I remember being incredibly happy and excited when he finally joined me in school. Back then, I was extremely bad at hiding my feelings and it was a miracle he never noticed it.

"Even back then I was so in love with you."

He kept silent for a while as we both stared at the picture and I finally turned the page to point at an other picture.

"Last day of third year for you." I pointed out to his smiling face.

He had his arm around me and I squinted my eyes because of the sun but my head was leaned against his shoulder and I remembered everything : how the sunrays felt on my skin and how warm his arm felt on my nape. The memory was so vivid that I could swear I was back in that moment.

"You never noticed the way I looked at you."

His fingers grabbed mine and I held my breath until he turned his head my way and shrugged a shoulder.

"Liv, you always looked at me like that. For me, it was just... how things were. It was just you being you. I knew you loved me as a friend, and I never thought..."

He sighed and looked down at our hands as he rubbed his thumb on the back of my hand. He brought his other hand to mine, leaving the photo album on his thighs, and I swallowed hard. I was just being emotional because he was leaving but I couldn't help it.

"If I have to, I will apologize every single day for the rest of my life." he added, making me chuckle and shake my head.

"No, it's alright." I just replied. "I'm not sure twelve-year-old you would have been able to handle hanging out with a girl who was in love with you anyway."

This time, it made him laugh.

"True."

He finally let go of my hand and took his phone on the bedside table, holding it up to take a selfie. I rolled my eyes but moved closer as he wrapped his arm around my shoulder just like in the old picture. He quickly snapped it and I watched him as he made it his phone background.

"On this picture, I know exactly how you feel." he finally says in a very low tone, raising his eyebrows. "And I feel exactly the same."

I brought my hand to his face as my heart twisted in my chest and I closed my eyes only when I felt his lips against mine. I was going to miss that so fucking much. He pulled away and kept looking through the pictures until he stopped suddenly. I noticed a picture from my 18th birthday where I was holding Rian's hand and I expected a cheeky comment from Niall but instead, he kept silent for a while and it made me frown.

"What's wrong?"

"This picture brings back memories, that's all."

I felt my heart jump in my chest when I noticed he was with Holly and I tried to push the dash of jealousy that suddenly invaded me.

"This one? Out of all of them?"

"Every single time Rian kissed you annoyed me. Watching you holding his hand bothered me so much I..."

He looked up in my eyes and my lips parted at his confession. I would have never thought he would admit something like that. I never thought Niall had been jealous because of me and I would have laughed if someone had told me that but he looked sincere and I knew he wouldn't say that just to make me happy.

"I just never really understood why." he added. "I thought it was just because I knew you'd be busy with him and that you'd neglect me."

"Maybe that was why. Maybe it had nothing to do with romantic love."

His eyes roamed on my face and he licked his lips before sighing.

"Maybe."

I grabbed the album from his hands and found a picture of us right before he left for the X-Factor. I took it off the album and handed it to him with a smile. I didn't want to keep whining on the fact that I loved him since forever and that his feelings for me were way more recent. It shouldn't matter and I didn't want to let it ruin the love we had for each other now.

"Do you think you've got some place left for this picture of us in your bag?"

He chuckled, the left corner of his lips curling up, and took the picture in his hand to look at it better.

"Don't forget where you belong." I let out, half-joking, and tilting my head slightly.

He stared at me again and his free hand slipped in my hair, on the back of my head before he pulled me closer to him slowly. He kissed me deeply and my eyes fluttered close. He tasted amazing and it took everything in me not to whimper in his mouth.

"I belong with you Olivia." he breathed, allowing his lips to leave mine for half a second. "And I'll never forget it."

I felt my whole body vibrate somehow due to the words he whispered and I gripped the sheets of the bed, focusing on the way his lips pressed and moved against mine. I knew I didn't have to say that i belonged to him, too. I knew he knew it, and I knew it was obvious. I don't know how long we kissed but when he pulled away, I groaned low and my eyes fluttered open. I felt his hand slip away from my neck and tilted my head to look at him, my heart feeling suddenly lighter even if I knew he was leaving.

"Can I ask you something?" I let out, pressing my lips together.

"Anything."

I moved a bit on the bed to face him, one of my legs bent and the other still hanging off the bed. I loved the way he was looking at me, like stuck in some sort of bliss that I completely understood. In fact, I probably looked even worse.

"Did you ever... masturbate thinking about me? Besides that time after tour."

His eyebrows raised up and his upper body moved back in surprise very slightly, making me blush a bit. I didn't know why I felt the need to ask but I knew it was something I wanted to know. Niall cleared his throat and looked down before looking back in my eyes.

"I spent a lot of time thinking after you admitted your feelings to me and a bunch of things came back to my mind. I remember liking you, I remember lusting you sometimes, but I never really wanted to admit it to myself. It was little things like cuddling together in bed, or on the couch.. or when your hand would brush my thighs... But I was young and I just thought it was hormones, I don't know." he explained as I held my breath. "I remember getting hard sometimes, like when you'd fall asleep on my lap or when you pressed your ass against me while asleep... there's only one time I really touched myself thinking about you, besides that time after tour. It was a few years ago and we were friendly fighting the way we always do but I decided to let you win just to see what you'd do, and you ended up straddling me.. It's just the way you moved over me, fuck."

I laughed a bit, staring at him as he closed his eyes tight. I remembered that day, surprisingly, but straddling Niall was also something I couldn't forget.

"I couldn't stop thinking about it and when you left I just..." he shrugged, raising his eyebrows again. "I just jerked off."

We remained silent for a while as he was looking at me with an amused smile.

"You got hard that time we danced in your living room."

This time, he's the one who laughed before nodding.

"Fuck yea I did." he admitted without shame. "I knew you had noticed, but thanks for not mentioning it back then."

I moved closer to him and brushed my lips against his with a small smile.

"You're welcome." I whispered, turning his smile into a fond one. "So it seems like we have similar tastes in bed."

His eyes roamed on my face and he sent me a cheeky smile. running one of his hands on my arm and leaving a burning trace on my skin. I knew it was because our relationship was still recent, but I always wanting him to touch me and fuck me to the point where I could barely control myself.

"Seems like we do." he agreed in a whisper. "I'd love to hear it though, you said you'd tell me."

I pressed my lips together and moved back a bit to look at him better.

"Like I said, I like to please." I let out, gripping the sheets of the bed harder. "I love when you bite me. I love when you're rough, when you spank me, when you slap me. I love when you choke me, too." I could feel my heart beat hard against my rib cage but I didn't know if it was because of what I was admitting or because of the way he was looking at me. "I love name calling, too."

"Give me examples."

I held my breath for a few seconds and swallowed hard.

"I like 'slut' and 'whore' as much as I like 'princess' and 'little one'."

He nodded slowly and I felt his hand slide on one of my thighs but I kept staring in his eyes. Every single touch always made my whole body throb and I ended up hoping this feeling would never leave.

"I'll remember that."

His other hand reached for my face but he pushed a lock of my hair behind my shoulder very slowly as I licked my lips.

"I love being rough with you. And I love that you're a pleaser." he continued, his eyes dropping to my lips. "But I love watching you shake and moan... I love making you cum. Giving me control also means letting me please you. You think you can do that?"

Slowly, I nodded as he looked back up in my eyes, and I felt my heart jump in my chest at the way he was looking at me. His fingers brushed on my shoulder and down my chest, between my breasts.

"Let's try it now, then." he whispered, moving his chin quickly in my direction.

I held my breath but sat better in bed, leaning against the pillows. I expected him to crawl on top of me and kiss me but he just reached for the button of my jeans and undid them before pulling them down as I moved my butt up to help him. I felt nervous but tried to remember that he saw me naked plenty of times and he was not going to decide to drop me because of what I looked like naked now. He moved my shirt slightly up and ran two of his fingers between my legs, over my panties.

"How about we make you wet these panties first?"

Once again, my heart jumped in my chest and I watched him bend down and open one of his drawers to get something but it's only when I noticed the vibrator in his hand that my lips parted. It wasn't one of mine and I realized that he had bought it just for me. He didn't ay anything and I didn't dare ask all the questions burning my lips. Instead, I held my breath until he pressed it between my legs, sliding it slowly. I felt my lips part as he pushed it harder and let out a very low whimper when it brushed on my clit. After only a few seconds, he turned it on and my eyes fluttered close as I let out a curse word.

"Really? That easy?" he chuckled and I felt his free hand brush gently on my thighs. It stopped at my knee and he pulled on it a bit to spread my legs slightly more. "So glad you put black panties on. I can already tell how horny you're getting."

I felt my hips jerk a bit when he turned the speed on and once again, my hands gripped the sheets on each side of me. I was too focused on the pleasure I was getting that it's only when he whispered that he realized he had moved closer.

"Keep your eyes open."

His voice was harsh even if he was talking low and it took me everything to open my eyes again. His lips curled into a smirk and once again, I held my breath as I tried not to squirm too much. He pressed the vibrator more on my clit and I whimpered again, making him smirk even more,

"Fuck, you look good, I'm getting so hard looking at you."

He moved away slightly and looked between my legs before moving his gaze back up. I knew I was getting close to an orgasm and I moaned a bit louder, feeling incredibly aroused by t eh fact that I didn't have any control on my own pleasure.

"You're soaking your panties." he added. "Love watching my little princess turn into a good little slut."

My heart skipped many beats and I almost came right after he talked, his words making my whole body throb in rhythm with my inner thighs.

"Oh god, Niall..." the words escaped my lips in a mix of a whimper and a whisper and he moved closer, dipping his head near my neck and biting my skin gently. "I'm gonna cum..."

"Not now." he quickly replied, making my heart jump. "Not until I tell you to."

"I don't know how long I can last." I admitted, gripping the sheets harder.

"Then beg me."

He moved his face back up and our eyes met. I let mine roam on his face and started biting my bottom lip hard as I tried not to grind on the vibrator he was holding tightly against me.

"Please, Niall, let me cum." I let out in a pleading tone. "Please I really need it."

I quickly brought my hand to his wrist but he started moving it and feeling it rub against my clit along with the vibrations made me moan louder than I intended. I couldn't stop myself and starting grinding on it as he brought his head closer to mine and pressed his lips against mine, kissing me deeply. He swallowed my moans and I felt my nails dig in the skin of his wrist as I tried to hold my orgasm. Slowly, he pulled away and I felt myself get dizzy from the effort I was making.

"You can cum petal, cum for me."

I felt a sensation of relief wash over me just as an orgasm hit me and I started shaking, closing my eyes despite myself. A bunch of curse words came out of my lips along with his name and when I came down from my high, I felt my panties slip down my legs. He moved over me and his mouth pressed against mine as he kissed me eagerly and roughly.

"I thought I could resist but I can't, I need to feel myself inside you."

His words made me chuckle a bit but I stopped immediately when he pushed himself inside me. I could feel myself throb hard around him because of my orgasm and he groaned against my lips, nibbling gently on my bottom one.

"I'm sorry, it won't take long."

I enjoyed the way his body weighted on mine as he pushed himself in and out of me quickly and brought my arms around his neck.

"You feel so good." I confessed low, tilting my chin up and closing my eyes. "Don't stop."

His lips brushed against my chin and he groaned again.

"You're so fucking wet, princess. you're gonna make me cum."

A shiver crossed my body at the thought and I slipped one of my hands in his hair. I moved my knees up to feel im deeper inside me and moved my hips this way, making him moan.

"Please do it." I begged again, letting out a low whimper as his movements became unsteady. "Please."

He buried his face in my neck again, gripping the sheets on each side of my head and pulling himself closer to me as he came. I felt him shake lightly over me and ran my hands down his back until his ass. It's only when he started panting that I realized I could have reached an other orgasm.

I thought he'd move away from me the way he always does but he remained on top of me as my fingertips brushed on his back, under his shirt. We kept silent for a while and I felt his lips leave small kisses from time to time on the skin of my neck.

It was one of those moments where you realize how lucky you are and how your life turned out exactly the way you wanted. I felt a wave of love and happiness flood my inside and held him tighter against me.

"I would like to make love sometimes, too."

His lips stopped moving against me and slowly, he moved up to look in my eyes. The way he looked at me made my heart melt in my chest and all I could hear was the sound of my heart beating against my rib cage.

"I'll make love to you any time you want me to."

I felt something stir in my stomach and brought my hands to cup his face. My lips parted and I wanted to tell him how much I loved him but the words got stuck in my throat. I knew that if I talked, my voice would crack and I would probably cry a bit. His lips curled in a fond smile and he licked them before bending closer and kissing my lips.

"I love you too, and i'll miss you too."

I sent him a smile and he quickly pecked my lips before getting under the blankets. I sat up in bed to go turn the lights off and noticed the photo album laying on the floor. It probably fell when we were having sex and I just stared at one of the pictures on the page. Niall had his arm around my neck, holding me close, and kissing my cheek with a beer in one of his hands. I had grabbed the fingers of his other hand and my eyes were closed but I was probably a bit too tipsy to actually remember that picture being taken. I left it there and got up to turn the lights off and finally lied back down in bed, under the covers. I thought Niall was already asleep but when he talked, I instinctively moved closer.

"I bought the vibrator for you." he let out as I cuddled him, my head on his shoulder and my arm around his waist. "So you can use it when i'm gone."

"I'll use it, I promise." I whispered. "I'll think about you while using it."

He chuckled and turned his face my way to kiss the top of my head, making me smile more. I felt his hand on my back and his thumb started caressing my skin gently. I couldn't stop thinking that the next day, i'd have to sleep alone in bed and it made me want to cry.

"Can I stay here while you're gone?"

I felt like it wouldn't be as hard to be without him if I was in his stuff, spending time at his place, sleeping in his bed... It would feel like he was still sort of with me. I couldn't imagine going back to my empty and cold apartment and wait for six weeks until he'd come back.

His hand stopped moving on me and maybe I imagined it, but I felt him tense next to me. It made me frown and I moved my head up to look at him.

"You don't want me to stay here?"

I didn't know why but it hurt me and I I held my breath, noticing he was avoiding my eyes.

"No, it's not that, it's just.." he shook his head and I moved my upper body up a bit, holding myself with my hand on the mattress and looking down at him. He finally looked in my eyes and his traits softened slightly. "You can stay just.. don't make a mess, okay?"

My eyes roamed on his face and although I shouldn't I felt a bit annoyed by his words. I didn't want to fight with him, especially knowing he was leaving the next morning, and I decided to just nod slightly and lay my head back on his shoulder. It took a few minutes and he finally sighed, turning his face my way again and pressing his lips on the top of my head.

"I'm sorry." he let out sincerely. "I want you to stay here. Maybe you could even stay here... all the time?"

Once again I held my breath, feeling my whole body throb as the room went completely silent. I just stared at his chest for a few seconds, thinking about everything it implied.

"You don't really want to live with me." I pointed out, letting one of my hands brush around his belly button. "Trust me."

"I do." he chuckled, pulling me closer to him, his warm hand burning the skin of my back. "I wanted to ask you even before we started dating."

I raised my eyebrows in surprise and finally looked up at him again. He was sending me an amused smile and this time, I couldn't help but smile back.

"Really?"

"Really." he repeated. "Didn't you ever think about us living together?"

I felt my cheeks burn, glad that we were in the dark, and raised a shoulder.

"I did, but I was scared we'd never sleep in the same bed if I had my own room here."

This time, he's the one who looked surprised and clearly, it was not something that had crossed his mind. His expression made me chuckle and he nodded slowly.

"Fair point. But not relevant anymore."

I nodded and sent him a loving smile, tilting my head. I really wanted to move in with him but I was also scared it would result into useless fights and I wanted to avoid that more than anything. We were together, we were happy, and I didn't want to ruin it. Still, the thought of sharing a place with him was extremely tempting. I knew I was at his place most of the time but having an apartment where I kept all my stuff and where I could always go whenever I needed to be alone was reassuring, for both of us. He wanted to make the big jump though and he asked me. That, in itself, proved how dedicated he was to this relationship and I owed him to be just as devoted as he was. I loved him and It was scary to think of all the things I was ready to do for him but I was confused and it made a pain appear suddenly in my stomach. I just wanted to make the right decision... the one that would insure us a future. I wanted this to last, I needed this to last. I didn't know what i'd do if it didn't.

I brought my hand to his face and brushed my thumb gently on his cheek. I felt so in love that I had to swallow a lump of affection stuck in my throat before bending down and kissing his lips.

"I'll think about it."

#niall horan #niall horan smut #niall horan fluff #niall horan story #niall horan writing #niall horan fanfic #niall horan fan fic #niall horan fanfiction #niall horan fan fiction #my fanfics #amc #idk how to apologize for this tbh #i feel like its going so slowly #but its really needed guys #i promise problems and tears and stuff

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cruelangelstheses · 5 years

Text

every nasty thought

fandom: dragon age rating: T characters: anders/hawke words: 2.4k additional tags: canon compliant, mental illness, ocd, trichotillomania, angst with a happy ending, intrusive thoughts, solitary confinement, gender neutral hawke description: anders has been dealing with intrusive thoughts his whole life. an exploration of anders’s character through the lens of ocd and trichotillomania. a/n: HELLO i’ve been very busy recently and haven't had much time to write but i’ve been wanting to do something like this for a while based somewhat on my experience (im projecting lol) so i banged this out for day 5 of @proandersweek - neurodivergent anders! title from “obsessions” by marina and the diamonds. for the full tag list that goes into a bit more of specifics wrt the intrusive thoughts, check the ao3 link

read it on ao3

—

After Anders’s magic manifests for the first time, in the quiet solitude of his bedroom, he finds his fingers itching with the power in his blood. It was always there, he supposes, but now he knows it’s there. Now he can feel it, can recognize the fire always pulsing through his veins, the sparks he could bring to his fingertips in an instant if he so willed it. The magic calls to him, like the feeling of standing at the edge of a cliff and wondering how it would feel to jump, or like a book he’s forbidden to read. The world screams danger, but his hands ache to break the rules.

He’s not stupid. He knows what would happen if anyone in the village discovered his powers. Still, it feels strange trying to continue on living as if nothing has changed now that he knows what he is. Suddenly he no longer feels perfectly at home; when he looks around at his friends and neighbors, all he can think of is how he’s different. He no longer feels like one of them.

Anders lives in a small house in a small village, so he doesn’t get a whole lot of privacy. Before he found out he was a mage, he didn’t really mind it. He likes having friends, likes having a group of people he can think of as his second family. He likes talking to the neighbors and helping to take care of animals or children. Now, though, he finds himself wishing for some alone time, a place where he can practice his magic without getting caught. He’ll sometimes conjure ice in his bedroom at night, but other than that, he doesn’t really have anywhere to go. He could maybe practice in the barn when nobody’s in it, but he’s afraid he might harm one of the animals.

The desire to learn spells, the temptation of the taboo, wages war with Anders’s fear of hurting someone. The thoughts come late at night, when he’s lying awake overthinking, but they also come in the middle of the day, when he’s walking around in the village square or talking with a friend: I could kill any one of these people. I could do it right now if I’m not careful. What if I snap and electrocute my father? What if I try to pet one of the barn cats and accidentally freeze it?

Anders has had distressing thoughts before, thoughts of someone he loves dying, or thoughts of being harmed himself. The difference this time is simply that he’s talked about these kinds of thoughts with his mother; he’s had her remind him that his fears are unfounded, that he’s safe, that they’re all safe. He still feels the need to perform rituals, like feeding the animals just the right amount of food or touching both his shoulders with his fingertips when he wakes up each morning, to ensure that nothing bad will happen, but when he has someone in his corner, the thoughts don’t consume him as much as they could if he were dealing with them alone.

Unfortunately, his newest obsessions all have to do with him being a mage. He can’t even attempt to use logic to fight the bad thoughts, because all of his fears are not only possible, but probable. It’s all he’s ever heard about mages. They can snap at any moment. They can kill twenty people in one fell swoop. They can lose control. They need to be locked up, for everyone else’s safety. He can’t confide in anyone, can’t rely on anyone to tell him that he isn’t going to set his friends on fire. So he deals with the thoughts in silence, the fear mounting with every passing day.

It’s around this time, then, that Anders starts pulling at his hair.

He likes keeping it fairly long, though he often puts it up in a ponytail so it doesn’t get in his face while he’s working or playing. There are always stray hairs, though, and soon he finds that they serve two purposes: to give his fingers something to do so that they no longer twitch with energy, and to help him cope with his obsessions. When he pulls, he goes into a trance, his mind almost empty as he focuses on the feeling of the hair on his fingertips, the slight pinch when he plucks it from his scalp. It’s oddly satisfying, even calming, and it makes him feel safe.

—

About a month after that first surge of magic bloomed in his hands, Anders accidentally starts a fire in the barn.

They get all the animals out in time, but his secret is out. His parents saw him trip and fall, saw as his hand shot out a blast of fire. It may have been his body’s method of self-defense, but it doesn’t matter, because now his mother is looking at him with tears in her eyes, and his father is staring at him in horror.

“I—I’m sorry,” he sputters desperately. “I didn’t mean to, I swear, it won’t happen again, I—”

His mother steps toward him and puts her arms around him, but his father might as well not have heard him. Anders has to fight the urge to push his mother away, the terror crowding in his head: You have no self-control. You’re going to kill her. You’re going to kill your own mother like the monster you are.

That night, Anders lies awake in bed, listening to his parents argue back and forth. His mother wants to protect him. His father, however, thinks it would be best to call the templars. Anders can hear the fear in his voice: fear not just of magic, but of him, his own son, twelve years old and a danger to everyone around him.

Anders pulls almost frantically at the hair on his scalp, but it doesn’t feel like enough, so he starts pulling at his eyebrows too, the coarser hair providing a different sensation. If he pulls enough, maybe it’ll serve as penance.

By morning, his eyebrows are half gone, the skin bright red and rubbed raw. His father contacts the templars anyway. His friends and neighbors stop talking to him. All Anders can think is that it wasn’t enough.

—

It’s strange. His obsessions tell him that he is dangerous, that he needs to be locked up to protect everyone else, that he will kill innocent people if left unchecked. Yet, on his good days, days where he’s better able to fend off those thoughts, he decides that the Circle is bad. In his moments of clarity, Anders recognizes his desire to be free. He daydreams about being able to live a life without being a slave to the Chantry or to his own fears. He starts taking an interest in healing spells in the hope that he can challenge the idea in his mind that magic means pain.

Anders soon realizes that everything he’s been told about mages is a lie. He meets mages who are in complete control, who have been studying magic for decades, people who could live outside of the Circle for the rest of their lives and probably never fall prey to a demon or hurt a civilian with their magic. He meets mages who are compassionate and kind. He meets mages that he could dare to love.

His year in solitary confinement is the worst year of his life. Alone with no one but himself and nothing to do but sit and think, his brain has a fucking field day. This is for the best, you know, it tells him the first few days. You should be locked up in here forever, not just a year. You could snap at any moment. You could kill an apprentice. You would’ve if they hadn’t put you in here.

His mind blames him for Karl being transferred to Kirkwall, has been blaming him for years. He got too comfortable. He let himself feel happiness, feel love. He didn’t perform his rituals enough, didn’t pull enough, and because of it Karl is gone.

During his time in the Circle, his obsessions sometimes take a more religious turn, probably due to the immense amount of Chantry ideology that permeates every corner. He’s gone through periods where all he can think about is how he is unworthy in the eyes of the Maker, how his magic is punishment for all the horrible things inside him, and his time in solitary is no exception. He has intrusive thoughts about the intrusive thoughts. You’re an affront to the Maker. You think about killing your peers and loved ones, and for that you’re going to suffer for eternity. He uses praying and repenting as one of his rituals in the vain hope that it’ll make his brain stop, just stop.

Then the thoughts take a turn for the morbid. He has visions of hurting himself, of electrocuting or immolating himself, of digging his fingernails into his skin until he draws blood or hitting his head against the wall so hard he passes out. I could do it. I could do it right now. I could set myself on fire and be done with it. The thought terrifies him. He doesn’t want to die. He just wants to be able to live.

It’s during solitary, though, that he has his revelation, a revelation that he feels he should’ve figured out a long time ago: all of his obsessions are about things that are the exact opposite of what he really thinks or wants. He doesn’t want to kill. He doesn’t want to die. He doesn’t truly believe that the Maker gives people magic to punish them. And he certainly doesn’t believe that he should be locked up forever simply for an accident of birth.

Two things make his time in solitary bearable: that realization, and the cat Mister Wiggums, who listens to him talk about these things without judgment, and who curls up in his lap when he senses that Anders is in distress. He pulls a lot of his hair out, though. When he’s let back out, the other mages comment that he looks like a different person.

—

Anders isn’t sure if merging with Justice has made things better or worse. On the one hand, it’s comforting, having a friend always with him in some way. On the other, now he has a new fear to obsess over: the fear that Justice will take over and hurt someone.

He realizes, though, that that fear is actually just one of his old fears, rebranded to look like something new. He’s come full circle. He’s twelve years old again, unsure how to handle this newfound power, feeling out of control and hurtling into a strange world.

—

Kirkwall’s Circle is awful, and Darktown is...well, Darktown, but the people that visit Anders in his clinic make it worth it.

It’s incredible, seeing ordinary people, refugees from the Blight, who look at him not with fear but with respect and even a sort of reverence. Children whose sicknesses he’s healed gaze up at him with a spark in their eyes and a thank you on their lips. Even people who aren’t sick or injured start to visit him every once in a while, to check up on him or talk to him or even give him a couple bandages, in the case of Lirene. He hears about them sticking their necks out for him when templars comes snooping around—for him, an apostate mage with obsessions that have made him believe he’s nothing but a danger to everyone around him. It doesn’t make the thoughts stop—nothing does—but it makes them easier to bear, at least somewhat.

Anders’s hair has mostly grown back since his time in solitary, but his eyebrows are a bit sparse, and he still sort of looks like he’s balding already, at the ripe old age of thirty-two. He’s not usually very self-conscious about his looks, but he’ll admit, it catches him off guard when the next person to take an interest in him is none other than a fellow apostate and Fereldan refugee named Hawke, who turns to him one night a few weeks after their initial meeting and says, “You know I’m not kidding when I flirt with you, right?”

It comes out of nowhere. They’re heading down to Lowtown to check out a job. Behind them, Hawke’s brother scoffs in annoyance, and the dwarf, Varric, chuckles knowingly.

Anders raises an eyebrow, suddenly aware of how he must look. Hawke is younger and more muscled than he is, with thick, dark hair that’s probably softer and smoother than his. “You’re...not?” he says slowly. He has to refrain from asking, What do you even see in me? He already warned Hawke to stay away from him, and he hasn’t been able to figure out if the subsequent flirting was serious or not.

Hawke laughs. “Of course not. You’re passionate. You’re serious when you need to be, but you’re also funny. You understand me. You’re attractive. You’re—”

Anders holds a hand up, unable to contain the surprised little smile working its way onto his face. “Did you just say I’m attractive?”

Hawke snorts. “That’s what you got from all that?”

“No, I—” Anders lowers his hand as they both laugh. “It’s just...kind of startling. I mean, even when I’m like...this?” He gestures to all of himself. Hawke noticed his hair-pulling not too soon after they met, and Anders decided he might as well explain at least a little bit of his state of mind.

The fact that Hawke didn’t leave after that, didn’t even seem too fazed, was enough for Anders to trust them almost completely. He’s only told two other people about his obsessions: his mother and Karl. Thank you for not running away, he’d said after he told Hawke about Justice, and he felt the need to say it again then. He feels like he needs to say it now, too, like if he says it enough times, it’ll erase everything bad that could ever happen.

Hawke flashes him a soft smile, eyes twinkling. “Yes, even when you’re like that.”

Hawke’s brother gags exaggeratedly, so Hawke turns around and makes an obscene hand gesture at him. In the back of his mind, Anders hears those familiar voices threatening to take hold again, telling him that he’ll only hurt Hawke if he allows himself to get close. They’ll never really go away, he knows, but he has someone in his corner, and that makes all the difference.

#dragon age #dragon age 2 #anders #proandersweek #handers #hawke #da2 #dragon age ii #my fics #im making myself cry over here but its Fine

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oh-mother-of-darkness · 5 years

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answers (16)

Anonymous said: A lot of these secrets are really serious and sad so heres a lighter one: me and my sister are knitting christmas socks for the whole family as a surprise. Ive never knit a pattern before but im really good!!

Amazing!!

Anonymous said: idk if your still doing this but my secret is I fear im a terrible person who only acts nice to rick people into liking her and ik that actually does make me an okay but i still feel im doing it for the wrong reasons and someones going to get too close and find out the truth and hate me

That’s very self aware of you, I think-- probably too self aware. You’re absolutely right to say it’s the trying that matters, but I’m not gonna blame you for worrying about it. I have similar concerns about myself sometimes. I’m aware that for me personally they’re partially justified. Some of my kindness is self motivated.

I think though (and it seems like you already know this) it’s the effect of the kindness that matters. Maybe it’s better for me if I have “pure” intentions, but if I don’t, I should still do the kind things anyway, right? Because at the end there’s still going to be good. And there’s nothing bad about actively trying to be good, which is all we’re doing.

Anonymous said: my secret is that ive been chasing after a dream my whole life but im not sure ill ever achieve it. times running out and i dont know what to do if i cant. i feel like my whole life has been put on standby and i dont know the way out. i know ill be okay in the end but i dont know what the end will be and that scares me.

Shit that’s relatable. You really will be okay, but it’s terrifying in the meantime, isn’t it? To have those turning points bearing down on you?

Things will happen. You can’t stop that. Time is gonna continue, but you’ll still be there at the end. Your head’s already in the right place.

Anonymous said: My secret is that I really, really like one of my friends, but he has a girlfriend and slept with one of my best friends when they were both super drunk. I want the feelings to stop and go back to being just friends, because I honestly think I don't have a chance, but there is a small part of me that doesn't want to let go. I don't know what to do.

Well that’s a bitch of a situation, isn’t it? Romantic feelings aren’t really my area, but I understand holding on to things you consciously want to let go. Emotions always feel like part of me, you know? I don’t want to tear them away. Sometimes it’s better to do it, though. I don’t know from a few sentences if that’s the case here, but I hope you find the way that’s the best for you

Anonymous said: My secret is I used to be suicidal, in my pre/early teens. I had realised I was lesbian in a small, largely Catholic town and hated myself for it. I was awful at social situations and couldn’t make friends. I hated myself for having baby fat because I danced part time. Then as I got older I slowly got more confident until one day a friend died I realised that holy shit I used to be suicidal and I could have killed myself. I’m terrified that I might get like that again and actually do it

Honestly, and I know this is gonna sound cliche, but I’m always in awe of folks like you. I don’t handle my own mental health issues super well most of the time, and to hear about someone growing? Changing? Getting better? Amazing

Anonymous said: If you're still taking these... my secret is that I don't want to give birth to children ever, and would consider adopting instead (when I'm older), but if I were to voice that to any family member or even an acquitance, they would shun me for it and make sure they try to talk me out of it. I really hate how conservative people put so many expectations on my shoulders

Heyyyyyy same. I’m not planning on birthing any kids, but my parents have come down pretty heavily on the single-women-should-not-adopt-children thing, which is.... bullshit. I’m gonna adopt some kids one day, whether they like it or not.

You know your own mind and your own plans. Other people don’t have to be happy about them, even (maybe especially) family members.

Anonymous said: My secret is that I’m a bad friend. I don’t make time for the few friends I have and spend most my time working or being in my room. They deserve better than me.

I don’t think you’re a bad friend. Not being around isn’t bad-friend behavior. You’re not hurting anyone. You’re not doing anything wrong. And I certainly don’t think that it justifies the idea that they should leave you. Relationships are always kinda a difficult balancing act, but you don’t have to be perfect at balancing it, you know?

Anonymous said: My secret is that I'm extremely self-sufficient, I've always had to be. But because there's no one else taking care of me it's so hard to invest my time in others because I'll neglect my own mental state. It make sit hard to develop stable relationships. Every once in a while I re-realize that I'm no one's priority so I have to be my own. And it just sucks.

Shit anon that’s really really rough. It makes me sad with you. I’m not going to tell you you’re wrong, because I don’t know, do I? But I hope you are.

Anonymous said: My secret is I imagine myself as OCs I create for certain fandoms like Young Justice or Castlevania, and I spend all my time daydreaming of how I would act in episodes and how I would interact with the characters. I think it’s because I’m not satisfied with my life, and I’m also afraid that this makes me either weird or crazy.

Oh biggest mood

I do that too. I’m not in a position to say whether that’s a good or bad thing, but I like to think it just makes us creative. For me, it eventually found an outlet in writing, and that’s been a big source of joy in my life. I had some unpleasant experiences sharing that stuff with people in the past, but for me? I don’t worry about it anymore. I know a lot of people that do similar stuff.

Write some fanfiction, maybe :) You might be real good at it

Anonymous said: My secret is I’m secretly attracted to people who are better than me at stuff

That’s not really my area, but seems to me that’s a pretty good thing to be attracted to. One of the sweetest things I hear around school is people talking about how their partners are going to be such good lawyers. It’s cute.

Anonymous said: My secret is that my anxiety is crushing me. I don't want to feel this way anymore.

Oh, anon. I just.... feel you. I’ve been really struggling lately with the idea that other people move through life without that handicap, and it amazes and angers me. Why don’t I get that? Why am I like this? It isn’t fair.

And it isn’t. It just isn’t. You didn’t ask to death match your brain every second of the day. You’re not any worse than everyone else, so why do you have to suffer? I don’t know. I really don’t.

The only happy thing I can say to you is people do heal. It’s bullshit that it takes so much time and effort, but it is possible. I’m better off now than I was five years ago, even if it did take five years and a whole lot of therapy, medication, and energy. You shouldn’t have to fight like this, but you can, and you can win.

Anonymous said: My secret is Im so bitter most of the time that I cant be happy for others. Me and my best friend are both singers but I can never be happy for her when she gets compliments or any success bc im jealous and im scared I'll never learn to be selfless and happy for other people

You’re only human. You have human emotions. You have every right to feel them. The only thing that matters is your choices, because that’s the only thing you can control.

I’m so sorry you’re scared. That’s another emotion you have every right to feel

Anonymous said: My secret is that sometimes I hated myself for not express what I felt because I thought they'll hate me or make distance of me but I'm learning to express my feelings to others and try to be more confidence :) I hope you'll be brave too and do whatever you want to do 💜

I wanna be anon when I grow up

Anonymous said: My secret is that my hands hurt all the time but in different ways, and I’m scared to get help because I’m scared they’ll tell me I’m making it up or being dramatic.

Man do I hate the shit people put you through to get medical help. Everybody’s entitled to ask, aren’t they? So why are we all making that difficult? Why are we making people feel bad about their own pain?

I understand your fear, but I hope you start asking questions anyway. Other people’s opinions about it aren’t your fault

Anonymous said: My secret is that my dermatillomania has gotten way worse since I got to college, so I’m having to wear headscarves again to keep myself from picking my scalp. I smuggled my scarf collection out of my room without telling my parents.

I’m sorry, anon. That’s difficult. That sucks. That’s bullshit.

Anonymous said: my secret is that when one of my family members says something homophobic I'll laugh and agree because I'm afraid that they'll disown me if there's any shred of proof that I'm LGBT and it makes me feel like such filth

That’s not your fault. It’s theirs for making you feel unsafe, because your safety really should be your first priority! That’s okay! You’re not being a bad person by doing it. You’re just protecting someone. You’re allowed to make that someone you

#some pretty heavy subjects here so #suicide #suicidal thoughts #anxiety #depression #mental illness #homophobia #if there's anything else let me know #asks #secrets

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nothing-but-kpop-dreams · 5 years

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VIXX Reaction: You waking up after experiencing sleep paralysis (request)

Author's note: i am so so so sorry this requests and other are taking a ridculous amount of time to be done. To be completely honest all the admins and myself are at points in our lives where school and work take priority and we are at a loss of inspiration when it comes to writing. But we are going to donour best to at least get the rest of the requests posted eventually

You’re eyes were closed, you knew they were closed, but somehow you could see everything around you. It was a cool experience really. The only downside was you couldn't move at all.

“So this is what sleep paralysis is like.” you thought to yourself, never having experienced this before.

Although your back was face everything, you could see your alarm clock reading 2:45 am, your boyfriend shuffling in his sleep and a 7 foot tall demon standing at the bedroo. Door. Okay, maybe this whole sleep paralysis thing wasn't so cool after all.

Fear set in in that instant obviously. Your first instinct was to jump out of bed but yeah, you weren’t able to. You weren't even able to scream.

“Fuck” you thought

You fear reached its peak when the demon moved closer

His hooved feet thudded loudly on your floors. He sounded like he weighed a ton.

He moved closer and closer until he stopped at the edge of your bed. He stood there for a long moment, almost taunting you, making you guess what he was going to do next while all you could do was scream internally.

He just stared and stared and stared. Every second that went by his eyes glowed red and it was as if his was growing in height.

He got so tall his horns reached the ceiling.

Suddenly he swung his arm back, and it came flying at you.

It wasn't until now that you were free of the curse and let out a scream for your life.

“Babe quit it!” You could suddenly hear next to you as you sat up in your bed in a cold sweat. Just like that the demon was gone. The lights were on and your boyfriend was squinting up at you in annoyance. “Can you stop with whimpering i can't sleep”he whined again.

“Huh? What? I was screaming! There was a demon right here!” You began to, with extreme detail, explain the sleep paralysis that you just experienced.

“Um…. Wow that's super creepy… even i don't think i can't sleep after that…” He said in a grumble. “You wanna watch some tv? Get your mind off it”

“Yeah, ill to watch it in the living room”

“No! In here dummy.”

“But you have practice in a few hours you need sleep”

“babe i don't care, watch ir in here. It's not like i can sleep anyways after hearing about it.” He said turning the tv on and pulling you close.

Ravi:

“Wonshik! Wonshik wake up!” your sobbing cries woke him up in an instant.

“Huh? What? What's going on?!?”

You were in a panic clinging onto him, “there was this lady on top of you sucking your soul out! I tried to get her off but i couldn't move!”

“Y/n calm down, what are you talking about?” This was too much to take in at 2 in the morning.

You took a deep breath doing your best to get you thoughts together “there was a creepy grudge lady on top of you sucking your soul out! And i tried to get her off you but i could move and i thought you were dead and then she looked at me and was going to do the same to me!”

“O-ok and then what happened?”

You shrugged “i don't know i was able to move again and she was gone and i-i'm just glad you woke up! I thought you were dead!” you whimpered.

He threw his arms around you holding you tight “babe it's okay. It sound like that was sleep paralysis or something! It's fine everything's fine, im okay.” He reassured. “But hey why don't we watch some tv or something and get your mind of the creepy dream?”

Leo:

Even with his eyes closed, the bright light of the lamp on nightstand was able to disrupt his sleep,followed by the sound of labored breathing.

With intense will power, he opened one eye to see y/n sitting up looking shookth.

“Babe you okay?” He barely got out.

“No. Chucky is in here.”

“What?”

“Chucky! He was going to stab me!” Her word came out with such seriousness.

“Chucky? Like the doll in the movies?” He asked with her eyes closed once more trying to get any sleep he could

“Yes!he was on top of me holding a knife! And i couldn't push him off”

“Babe, it was just a bad dream. Go back to sleep!”

“No it wasn't! It was too real to be a dream!”

He sat up. “Babe yes it was. Tell me, how would a chucky doll be in this house?”

Y/n shrugged.

“And why would the chucky doll be after you?”

She shrugged again.

“And you really think i would let a plastic doll hurt you?”

That got a little chuckle out of her. “No.”

“Exactly. It was just a bad dream ok.” He kissed the top her and gave her a tight squeeze. “I wouldn't let anything bad happen to you. We both have work in the morning, lets get some sleep.”

Ken:

His weight was heavy on your chest. Although of small stature, he weighed a ton. You couldn't breath as he sat on you with a demented smile on his face.

You were frozen with fear, unable to push him off or even move your head to scream out for ken to wake up and save you. Your arms were pinned under his legs. There was no way to defend yourself from his hands wrapping around your neck.

He squeezed his hands tighter and tighter. The ghostly figure let out laugh. It was on of pure joy and it sent a chill down your spine.

And then suddenly he was gone. The weight of his body on yours disappeared and you were able to take in air again.

You gagged for air, sitting up to allow your lungs to expand even more.

You leaned over and turned on the lamp to make sure the demon was gone. Now with the room lit, you saw that it really was empty. Everything was how you left it when you fell asleep, even ken lay calm next to you, staring up at you with barely open eyes.

“Y/n, was going on?” He asked in a grumble “turn the light off.”

“No.” You whimpered “ there's a ghost in here or something! It was choking me right now!”

“What?” He asked a bit more alert

“Yes! There was a man and- and he was all black! And he sat on top of me and he was choking me! I kept trying to move and i couldn't!”

Ken looked about the room looking for any evidence of this ghost.

“Huh… well that's not creepy to hear at 3 in the morning” he said sarcastically. “ how about we get dressed and go out for a midnight snack?” He offered as a way to cover up the fact that he was now scared to stay in the room.

(Ignore the gif caption😅)

Hongbin:

You couldn't move no matter how hard you tried. the smoke filled your lungs and the heat intensified as the flames grew closer to the bed. Hongbin was right next to you sleeping soundly , so unaware of the emanate danger.

And what could you do? Nothing.

The flames climbed the walls. The door was charred, your personal belongings became ash. Your skin burned as you were being suffocated by the black smoke.

And suddenly it gone, all gone.

You were even able to move again. In an instant yo sat up in bed, gasping for air and wiping the sweat off your face.

“Hongbin! Hongbin wake up!” you cried, shaking him awake. “There’s a fire.”

“Wha-what? Fire?” he too jumped up frantically.

Despite his half asleep state, he got out of bed ready to run. “Wait.” he said noticing the cool night air. “There’s no fire.”

“Yes there is.” you said in a bit of confusion, looking around the room and noticing everything was perfectly normal.

“Babe, no there isn't.” he said, taking in a deep breath to smell for smoke. He even went to the door and checked the rest if the apartment.

“But- i could’ve sworn- it’s cuz I’m not joking the flames were everywhere and and i couldn't move and i was trying to wake you up and I couldn’t. it was too real to not be fake!” you felt like you sounded crazy.

Hongbin, put his arms around you and held you tight. “That sounds like sleep paralysis babe. But it’s ok, none it if was real.” he said giving you a kiss on your head. “But let's try to get back to sleep ok? Don;t worry about it too much,. Trust me if there was actually a fire i would make sure nothing happened to you.”

Hyuk:

The presence of the doll was unnerving. You first sensed her in the corner of your room, just standing there oh so calmly as she stared at you with her unblinking porcelain eyes. It wasn't until your eyes met hers that you noticed you were unable to move. No matter how big or small your attempt at movement was, your limbs wouldn't cooperate with your thoughts. You couldn't even speak when you tried to wake up your sleeping boyfriend who was just a foot away.

It was in this state of panic that the doll moved from its original spot. In the blink of an eye she was at the end her your bed, her eyes glowed more intensely in the dark as she stared you down.

Suddenly the lights from what could be the living or the kitchen or whatever else was out the apartment turned on. You only know this happened because you saw bright lights leaked into the bedroom from under the door. You bagan to hear voices. You couldn't make out the words and it didn't sound like anyone you knew, but there were so many sounds of people being in your home.

You continued to try to scream and kick the doll awake and wake up hyuk, but you couldn't move.

The lights from under the door began brighter and brighter and the voice began to to get louder and louder. The lights got so bright, it could project the shadows of the intruders in your homes. You saw there silhouettes on your wall, moving about the apartment. As their voices got more violent, the shadows multiplied and they all began to fight each other. The shouts soon turned into blood curdling screams as it began to sound like a murder was happened right outside your door.

The entire time the doll was slowly moving closer and closer to you until her face was up to yours.

Thankfully, hyuk rolled in his sleep and his leg hit yours, and that somehow broke the curse.

The doll was gone, the lights were gone, the voices stopped, and everything was calm the way it was supposed to be. Even better, you were able to move again.

Immediately you woke up your boyfrind. “Babe! Babe!” you whispered in a hush, paranoid the doll was still in the room. “Wake up!” you begged as you shook him frantically.

“Huh? What?” he just graoned, barely able to wake up his eys consdiering hte heawvy sleeper eh was.

You proceeded to tell him what eve the heck just happened, very much noticing how craxy you saiounded once you said it all out loud.

He looked up at you, unphased by your words and panicked state. “Babe, chill. That sounds like a bad dream.” he simpley said.

“It wasnt just a bad dream hyuk!”

He rolled back over without a second thought. “Yeah it was, but everything is ok so just sleep.” he said as he knocked out again.

-Admin Boat

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