#and ive got that trip coming up that im stressing about

[biptomb]

the vibes in the house are tense and unfriendly so im gonna run out to get taco bell for dinner in a little bit </3

#biptalk #my brother punched and broke the bathroom door lol its been awhile since that happened #but yeah just not appreciating the vibes in the air lately #big stress #and ive got that trip coming up that im stressing about #yayyy so much to do #im gonna back up my art and worldbuilding before i leave #i dont think he'll break or take any of my shit but you never know and i'd rather be safe than sorry #thank goodness im taking my switch with me tho #your honor that is my emotional support console and i need it to survive /gen #anyway yeah #lots and lots goin on #keeping it together #i really hope i find my other earbud tho #of course i lose it a day after i find the missing one #that's life innit #disclaimer i am not british i was just exposed to the mold #and i latch on to phrases and words #and have to use them or my brain explodes #eue #uvu #alright bye bye sorry for the tag ramble #just been a lot going on and needed to get it out there

[chaelinsbitch]

My friends disregard for my work situations and then her complaining about her own when it's literally not even that serious for her is really starting to piss me off

#im gonna snap one of these days lmao #like im stupidly planning tbis whole trip for sept bc i gave up and have been spending all my money #and idek if ill have a job at that point and ive been making a lot of big purchases lately like an absolute idiot #and now that my sanity is back im so stressed out i cant even be excited #and she like. last time i brought it up she was like 'youll be fine' in a kind of annoyed tone and im like? #and then today she was coming to me all stressed out because she perceived her manager to be displeased w her #leave request. which she wasnt my friend just had anxiety #but like it was such a stupid thing and sbe turned it into a thing #but im sorry i have legitimate concerns about my future finances and employment and that's supposed to be nothing? #throwback to last year when i got laid off and was having the worst time ever meanwhile she kept complaining about her #comparatively better work situation #she's fine in every other way but on this subject if she does smtn similar again im like 🤏🏽 this close to saying #something really fucking mean and causing irreparable damage lmfao

[be-good-to-bugs]

UGH why does eating always make me feel like throwing up :/ that is the opposite of what i want

#the bin #i feel less bad todaynthan i usually do. i think. but physically my body feels terrible. i am also still super stressed and sad but. i dont #feel as utterly horrible as i usually do so thats good i guess. i wish i could turn it into something productive but thats fine #i mostly wishbthat i could being myslef to do something fun like watch something or whatever but my brain still says no #and i wishbi could draw but my brain says no to that too #well. i can probably actually afford some weed after all bc itll peobs mostky be gas i gotta pay for for thw trip so #idk when ill see my sister next but ill have to fully figure this out then. and i gotta measure the inside of her boyfriends car so i can #know how much i can pack. i can also probably afford to get the things i wanted for my siblings from here before i leave. maybe. #gas will be a lot but they still owe me $300 so that helps a lot. i should be able to afford the trip fine. im really sad i have to leave #most of my stuff though. i dont trust my sister with it. but i dont have a choice so whatever. ill just have to deal. #well. im glad i dont feel so empty and horrible now. i hope it lasts and i can do something with it. its probs bc i had a meltdown honestly #ive felt like maybe thats what ive been needing to feel better. things still suck but i feel marginally better #usually i try talking to my mom just to get an ounch of social interaction and also i can complain abt stuff to her and she doenst tell #anyone. she has issues but shes pretty good about my privacy i think because shes scared id stop talking ti her if she broke that trust #which is true. i would probably stop talking to her. that was originally the plan before she stopled being such a bad mom anyway so #but idk. i havnet talked to her since she asked if i was coming to the funeral and i said no. she wasnt mad at me or anything but i havent #talke to her about non dad dying related stuff in a bit so. i shouod tho. im moving and i need to find out when a good time for that is. #and make sure she knows around what time i had been planning. and i need to know if she got an update about some stuff too. #also helath insurance stuff. im assuming she didnt end up getting a chnace to add me yet considering what happned. shes been busy #but my tooth pain has gotten even worse this past week so id like to see a dentist in june if possible bc god this thing hurts so bad

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

So Im currently in a complicated situation.

I (19f) am studying abroad in europe for the summer. Ive been here for over a month and struggled to make connections with my peers here because im socially awkard and struggle to talk to people. Most of the time I've done things alone and have had no issues.

A little into summer, my mom asked me about my twin sister coming to visit and us going to a couple of different cities. I agreed because I figured she would never actually bother to travel to europe herself and I wanted her to have the opportunity.

The thing about me and my twin is that we do not get along and have not for years, I moved away for college and haven't had to interact with her for extended periods of time for over a year. So, I guess I forgot just how bad it is to be around her. She's rude, has not stopped making small jabs at me, and has complained about everything we've done.

It came to a head this weekend, she arrived on thursday, I've been constantly stressed because I can't relax around her. She kept on playing things outloud while I was trying to sleep at 2 am, which although seems small was just the tipping point of everything i had bottled up over the past couple days. Which caused me to have a small meltdown. She then told me after we got into the fight the whole reason she came was for me so that I could travel, because my mom hadn't wanted me to travel alone and I hadn't made any friends in my program.

I never asked her to do this and would've traveled by myself to where I wanted to go whether or not my mom approved. The morning after the fight we had to catch a train and it was taking way to long for a uber to come get us so I said we should take the subway. She refused, I told her I wasn't going to miss the train and left her alone in a unfamiliar city to take the subway to the station. She made it to the station luckly, I found out that she has no intention of taking any form of public transportation the whole time she is here and instead is going to spend hundreds of dollars on uber.

Over the time shes been here its become clear that she flat out has no interest in being here. She doesnt care about the monuments, the food, or doing literally anything. Maybe occasionally taking pictures of herself or fashion but even then the interest is limited. She also genuinely seems to know nothing about Europe, or what she was signing up to do.

Im frustrated because she is ruining what may be my only chance to explore europe. My mom has tried to mediate but its clear that she doesn't want to be here and that I don't want her here. We havent stopped fighting and im exhausted, im still in school and have difficult classes.

My mom is partically pissed at me for leaving her alone in the city but I told her I would do it again. I think that she should just fly home and I should do the rest of the trip alone. My mom has always been overprotective and one of the city's we are planning on going to has been having issues but I still think I should be fine by myself.

AITA For wanting my sister to leave despite her coming for me, for leaving her alone in an unfamiliar city, and planning to do it again?

What are these acronyms?

#aita #am i the asshole

[webginz]

i had the worst shower ever. i was like, tripping out. reminded me of my "episodes" i had in middle school. just like voices and not knowing where i am. and not being able to get back to reality.

well now im on my way to the dentist, theres no way in hell they wont be able to notice i was just crying. (from fear of going to the dentist, not from the shower thing lol)

im so scared :(

[took out a part here but it was just about stress and disordered eating things from this morning]

then i got to the dentist and it sucked. long dentist story ahead

okay dentist. everything that couldve gone wrong, went wrong.. i tried acting normal, and we had small talk or whatever like normal dentist x ray stuff, but she could instantly tell something was wrong with me, i guess.

she gave me a health form to fill out. i was still chill and this point and was like oh yeah i have blood pressure problems but its only if im up moving around!! so not doing that at the desntist hehe amirite?! i also checked anxiety and i think thats what she wanted. just personal confirmation everything was gonna go wrong.

after she learned i had anxiety, she was nice, too nice imo... like i was a child. im okay with that though i guess. (i mean.. she could definitely tell i was just done crying)

she was like "the xray blanket is heavy and could help with ur anxiety" BUT I WANTED IT OFF AND COULD BARELY TALK SO I JUST NODDED. it made me feel so overwhelmed immediately. THIS IS WHERE EVERYTHING STARTED GOING BAD

im also just constantly aware of my hair and when you lean back on the stupid dentist seat my hat falls off. its like LOOK THE FREAK WHOS SCARED OF THE DENTIST AND PULLS OUT ALL HER HAIR!!

whatever. so there i am on the dentist chair. bald spots for the world to see. xray blanket sensory overload. sunglasses on top of my regular glasses. but im pushing through.

she starts using the tool on my teeth. a metal vibrating thing that sounds like a drill. my worst most awful fear is high pitched drilling noises. if im in a good mood i can put up with them for a bit, but obviously todays not that day. i try not to freak out, but she notices and asks if im okay and im like "yah" (with tears)

but then my mom comes in and shes like "can you not do it a different way?!?!" "shes freaking out" and just making everything WORSE. (used the chaos here to get rid of the dumb xray thing)

ive been on and off hyperventilating through all of this btw... i heard one of the dentist ladies say "shes crying and breathing really fast..." which was like. kill me now please god.

so back to my mom asking "can you not just do it a different way?" they do have a different way btw. without the scary machine! but then dentist lady says "she used this machine the last 2 times she was here? we dont have enough time to do it manually." (proof i was just having a bad day and i totally can be normal!!! but hearing this made me feel awful like i could feel all the dentists were thinking "she did it fine last time why is she carzy today?!?")

she then asked to step away to find the MAIN dentist lady.

at this point i was crying shaking hyperventilating and felt like i was gonna throw up from nervous energy. also my mom is pestering me a bunch (shes concerned but making everything worse, her hearts in the right place tho ily mom)

so big boss dentist lady is here. she says she looked at the xrays (from the beginning, remember?) and i have A GAZILLION CAVITIESSSSSS!!!!!

she says for my dental things from now on i should go to a SEDATION DENTIST!!!!

i was so out of it i didnt even know what to say. well now i do!!!

im not usually that scared. i was having a VERY BAD morning.

the dentist i go to now is all women. the sedation dentist is a MAN, that none of the women there had ever met. I HAVE TO GO MEET A MAN TO SEDATE ME SO I CAN BE ALONE WITH HIM? SO HE CAN DO MY TEETH? i might have a silly joking tone to this post but with this im being so serious. im scared as hell that thats just gonna end with me being raped.

i dont like male doctors/dentists/anything and always have my mom with me when i have to. there was a female assistant when i had my endoscopy and female nurses when i had my surgery. i dont want to be alone, asleep, in a room with a man i dont know. JUST BECAUSE IM SCARED OF THE DENTIST???

god i keep seeing stuff in the corner of my eye as im writing this. i think my psychosis is coming back for some reason.

every things going wrong today and forever

pls like/reply this post if you read it all im sorry for my ranting

#personal #i need a journal im sorry

[vivian-shiftss]

okay but thoughts you making your current reality the waiting room? this is where we script and prepare ourselves so if we say this is our waiting room rather than having to shift to a waiting room surely we’ve already basically shifted to our waiting rooms therefore we can now access our dr?

like even making your bedroom your waiting room??

im not entirely sure how you worded this (sorry im pretty slow lately) and also sorry for taking a while to reply since i wanted to answer on laptop not on mobile :)

so! to the question: making your current reality your waiting room. okay so i am FAR from a shifting expert to take this with a grain of salt :D

for most people a waiting room is simply that, a waiting room! okay thats stupid so lemme explain: have you ever been in a doctor/dentist/whatever waiting room? its quiet, its calm, and if you're lucky there's no one else there. its a great time to catch up on things, check your email (from your phone or whatever) while you wait, you get it, right?

so, many people create some sort of 'waiting room' reality, where they can relax, create their script, etc. its basically an environment without any distractions, space and time to focus. for many people, a waiting room reality can be helpful because its usually simply a room or a house, with no world or other people. its much easier to script (or even just visualise with no script cuz its not needed). for lots of people a waiting room also acts as some sort of study room, with more time and less distractions to study for school.

( i have a sort of waiting room that is a beach house. its just me and my pets, and its on an island. this island is really small, and it has both a forest and a beach. i can spend as much time as i like there, studying or scripting or whatever.)

sorry for that basic explanation, you probably already knew that but just in case someone curious or new to shifting reads this, they can have the whole picture :)

a waiting room is, esentially, a reality like any other. but with other realities (including this one!) it can get difficult to organise yourself (if we're talking about studying/scripting) or simply just relax, because there are people to talk to and things to do (for example in this reality you have chores, school, etc. and in a hogwarts reality you have school and friends to see, in a percy jackson dr you have quests and camp and stuff...)

lots of people see a waiting room as an intermediary place between two realities? i kind of view it as a train station when you're changing trains in a long trip. you don't know the city you're in, and you simply wait and get things done (maybe even stay the night if needed), until your next train comes and takes you to your destination.

as for making your bedroom your waiting room? do you mean like in this reality or shifting to a waiting room that looks like your bedroom (with some changes so you can tell the difference?) i have no idea

i don't know why i get the feeling that you think that it is necessary to shift to a waiting room to access your dr? if you don't think that please correct me btw! anywas, lots of people shift directly from here to their dr, and others use a waiting room. its personal preference :)

ANYWAYS, in summary (sorry this got long and i have no idea if ive answered your question love): i personally wouldn't call this reality a waiting room since those are usually described as intermediary realities between OR and DR, a place to relax/study/script/sleep for hours on end/whatever with no one around (or whoever you decide to add into it). HOWEVER, you can 'make' a waiting room that is your house/bedroom, but without your family and such? no school, no stress etc, and decide (or script or simply create in your mind) to change the colour of your walls maybe? something small, that way its much easier to visualise! accessing your dr can be done from ANY reality, whether that be here or or a waiting room or another dr :)

if you have any more questions please ask me! i love getting asks <3

#shifting #shifting realities #reality shift #reality shifting #shiftblr #vivian shifts #desired reality

[twicesserafim]

Try Again.

Dammit. Pt. 3

Third Person Pov:

"im really tired today, i played badminton for 4 hours yesterday and my legs hurt like crazy, it hurts when i'm sitting too, i can't run or climb, i'm sorry eun." "it's okay, what about tomorrow?" "im not sure i can"

"oh.. well.. i wish i could help you, i miss you a lot. I hope you feel better soon, it's okay that you can't sneak over, don't feel bad, okay?" "yeah, i'm sorry though" "don't apologize, it's not your fault" "i think i'm sick too"

"yeah.. your voice sounds a little weird. Are you okay?" "my head hurts, i'm sweaty, nauseous and im coughing a lot, my nose is running too" "and you think your sick? honey, you are sick." "i feel really hot" "you are"

The two of you chuckled a bit before Eunchae continued. "i'm joking, but seriously though, you're burning up? are you okay?" "i don't really know" "did you take medicine yet?" "yeah" "i have to get to practice, i'm sorry. Feel better soon, i miss you."

"i miss you too, stay safe, eun." "you too, y/n/n."

...

Eunchae Pov:

"unnies?" They all turned their heads towards me and hummed, "what's up?" "hm?" "why did you stop me from hanging out with y/n?" "it's like a punishment for you getting home late and she's obviously not protecting you and getting you home safe"

"do you want her to run around at midnight to drop me off at the dorm?" "well.. no" "unnie, she's sick. after practice can i please go get some stuff and go see her?" "eunchae-" "please. she's really sick. She's burning up and everything."

"fine. But home before 8, we're picking you up." "but unnie-" "no buts, we're picking you up at 8" chaewon said as i sighed but agreed. I just hope we get out of practice before 7:30.

...

Third Person Pov:

Thank god they got out at 6, eunchae got a few things like snacks, drinks, a cooling gel thing to put of your forehead to help with your fever. She also got flowers but hid those in her bag.

"thanks unnies, see you later, love you!"

...

"eun?" "hey, love." "how did you-" "i asked them to let me come over because you're sick, but i have to go at 8" you sat up slightly as she pushed you back down, "it's 6:30. Don't do anything, i'm here now"

...

Eunchae laid down, wrapping her arms around you. "you'll get sick, your unnies are gonna kill me" "i don't care" "eun.." "stop stressing, i just want you to feel better. I miss you more than anything."

"fine.. but if you get sick, i'm dead. i hope you know that" "i know"

...

"eunchae, we're on our way to pick you up" eunchae sighed. "okay." she looked at your sleeping figure, your skin still so hot, you let out a few gut wrenching coughs. She rubbed your back, her eyes filled with worry.

You quickly fell asleep after coughing, still so tired from just being sick. She didn't want to wake you, because she knew if she told you she's leaving soon, you would force yourself awake to be with her.

So eunchae just stayed quiet, rubbing her thumb against your skin. Until the phone again. "we're here, eunchae" "mhm.." she hummed, your guardians were away on a buisness trip so you were alone.

It was hard for her to leave, she kissed the top of your head. "i'm sorry, darling. But i gotta go. Feel better soon, okay?" "mm.. i'll miss you eun.." "i'll miss you too" "i'll get better so i can see you again" she smiled and nodded.

"that's my girl" the two of you chuckled as she kissed your hand and left your room, putting her shoes on and looking back at the door, sighing.

...

- While eunchae was at your place -

"doesn't eunchae seem happier when she's with y/n?" "yeah, i've noticed that too" "maybe we should think about this." "yeah.. ive been thinking.."

...

"Eunchae?" Kazuha muttered as eunchae got into the car. "hm" "how's she?" "bad" "are her parents home?" "no" "where are they?" "business trip" they all looked at each other, with her short replies.

They knew she was not only worried but also upset that she had to leave. Yunjin and Kazuha nodded, turning to sakura and chaewon in the front. Sakura also nodded, chaewon sighed and nodded.

"eunchae? do you wanna spend the night?" She turned around confused, "huh?" "we're letting you try again, do you wanna stay the night?" Eunchae nodded as a smile made its way on her face. "really?"

"yeah, hurry before we change our minds." "you guys are actually the best, i love you!" "we love you too, kid."

[moonjxsung]

ALSKDKDJF OKAYYY !!! I’m glad it’s not a bother !!! I overthink sometimes alskdkjf

urgh so I am having A WEEK :( I hope it’s okay I rant a bit … alslkskdj

helurf okay so after midterms last week, I’ve been trying to like relax and give myself time to rest but IVE HAD SO MANY ASSIGNMENTS :((( and I’m so tired and burnt out and stressed cause I need to start studying for finals and ahhhhhh alsksjjdjf :(

okay now for some more fun updates!! i had fun at uni yesterday!! we had a super fun soil science lab we got to go into soil pits on the farm our campus has and analyze soil (ph, diagnostic horizons, colour, structure, texture etc) !! It was a lot of fun I’m gonna miss the class and my prof :( (it was my last lab)

another fun thing is its art market week at my uni so time to drop a ton of money on prints, stickers and crocheted animals !!! :D

AND okay so I made it into a special like abroad research kinda program/course in like that’s usually only available to upper years students but somehow I made it in alskkskdjdj . Anyways, we get to go to South Africa from like May 14-June 9 to do research and stuff in the field!!! and like IM SO EXCITED??? So anyways, the 19 students that also made it in (it’s a highly competitive program to get into) we had our second group meet up plus our prof (who taught my favourite class by far last term) yesterday and it was a lot of fun and we got free dinner which was super super yum and I can’t believe I’m actually going ahhhhh

and then I went to a friends house for dinner (yes, dinner again) which was fun we like catch up at least once a month and yeah

Anyways sorry for the truck load of information about my life weh

HOW IS YOUR LIFE STAR!!! I WANNA HEAR ABOUT YOU!! (With whatever ur feeling comfy sharing 💗)

🌱

UGH I always forget how close together exam season is WHYYYY ARE UR FINALS ALREADY RIGHT AROUND THE CORNER….. 💔💔 I believe in you angel manifesting all the best for you frfr you’re smart I know you got this 🫶🫶🫶🫶

AHHHH UR UNI LAB SOUNDED SO FUN I love labs where you just get to go outside and do stuff in nature it’s fr so healing 👼 I took a geology course in college where we got to go to this creek near my school and like test the ph balance of the water and it was so much fun being outside instead of cooped up in the lecture hall fr one of the best labs we ever did. AND the art market this week???? RAHHH HAVE SO MUCH FUN we used to have something similar at my uni and I would drop SO much on stickers not even joking my laptop is covered in them still :’)

ALSO OH MY GOD??? TO THE STUDY ABROAD PROGRAM?????? STOP THAT SOUNDS SO FIXKIFNT FUNNNNN IM SO EXCITED FOR YOU WYAHWJDNRJ CONGRATS ON GETTING IN BB ‼️‼️ I didn’t have to do study abroad when I was in college bc covid hit but I can’t wait to hear all about yours and live vicariously thru ur updates AHHHH and it’s coming up so soon !! WOWOWOWOW HAVE THE BEST TIME ILY ILY THATS SO FUN

My day was honestly vvvvv boring but it was productive! I had work and then I had a shit ton of laundry to do but I was tired as fuck and I have cramps bc my period started today so I got coffee first to wake me up and then after cleaning the apartment I caught up on Ateez vlogs and now I’m simultaneously writing and watching Zelda gameplay 👼 I think my emotions are like ten times worse rn because of my period so I’m just taking it easy but I have a huge party to go to this weekend and a lot of my friends are gonna be there so I need to get my shit together and stop being sad bc I don’t want to bring the mood down ☹️ why do I always have a party in the same week I feel like shit LOL the last time I had one my situationship and I got into a huge fight and my sister had to be checking on me like every 5 minutes bc I was borderline crying the whole night it was so embarrassing 😭 (I am so tired of crying over this same girl oh my god)

ANYWAYS I LOVE U ANGEL IM SO HAPPY FOR YOU AND I CANT WAIT TO HEAR ALL ABOUT UR STUDY ABROAD TRIP RAHHH THATS SO EXCITING CONGRATS AGAIN ILY ILY 🩷💖💞💘💕💓👼

#🌱 anon #ask

[uppity-cracker]

You know what, I was going to wait, but I honestly can't at this point. You need to know my thoughts directly - I don't give a damn how blunt, rude, or heartless this is of me, nonetheless if you show Arsen.

You fucked up. It don't matter if it's accidental or not to me, because you were always really fucking manipulative. You tried to fucking GASLIGHT me. Because I GOT TRIGGERED, essentially. And, for the record, I'm pretty sure we both know you knew, or if not, it should have been evident by how I was behaving, and how couldn't form my thoughts or piece my words together. Almost as if i was going through a paranoid episode from stress, and you have seen that before.

You reap what you sow. I care for you as little as you ever fucking cared for me; not even a fucking drop.

You aren't about to fucking guilt trip people, because it's not their fault for what you chose.

These are your actions. They're in your hands. Not the others. Even if I fucking hate the majority of the s'day'paras now.

I truly wish you a 'rot in hell' - regardless if you choose to kill yourself or not. And this isn't me saying you should, I'm just tired of you trying to pull shit constantly.

im sorry if i gaslit you but from my perspective what you were saying genuinely didn't feel true. im sorry i triggered you further, i really didnt know. i saw posts about mania but nothing about triggers. im going to be honest ive never really been able to understand you well, and thats not on you. i just dont think thats something to use against me really

i was just gonna keep quiet, i didnt want it to come to this or guilt trip people. but almost every day i see someone new calling me gross or a monster or a hidden enemy, and lots of my own triggers. every day. because of something i said while i was triggered in a very bad state.

that post really didnt have much to do with you, you thought i was a bad person before it all went down and thats fair. im mostly talking about the endless harassment and triggers ive faced.

this doesnt have much to do with you but im still sorry, and i mean it. ive done bad shit to you. i dont expect you to forgive me to make me feel better but. idk. maybe ill get a good spot in hell? (id like to stress thats a joke im not apologizing for my benefit, if i didnt mean it i wouldnt do it at all. you hurt me and my friends a lot).

[facade]

vent long personal heavy ok

it’s really helpless and crushing how im always cornered back to the same sad answer of how i should have considered the future earlier. my legs are in so much pain, im crying from how much my body aches and im simply told, you shouldn’t have been in your room all day — despite the fact i wasn’t allowed to go outside, and there was seldom walking space in our awful house. i was always sick, and always dizzy. it is crazy how dangerous black mold can be and yet we had a complete infestation of that and more. i want to consider pursuing a career ive had since i was a child though, im so passionate about art and i still am which might be a blessing considering how much commissions are hurting me mentally and perhaps physically .. opening several, several batches a year, constantly cramming them.. i think i want to do college. but i didn’t take on the scholarship i had when i graduated! i didn’t take the aid that covered my first year.. truthfully i didn’t think id make it so far. im insecure, im suicidal, im fragile. the past decade, i could barely get through anything without crying. it was humiliating to exist as i was in middle and highschool due to the living situation i was in, with no money and feeling i had no true support or even solidarity with my own mother, who must have been under much more stress than i was, trying to provide for her child. but still didn’t sympathize with me at all. the situation was hard, but i should have worked harder .. honestly, i do feel selfish for not having taken advantage of my moms effort to keep me in school, but ahhhhhh, i think it was just too much. i didn’t want to live like this. i was ashamed and disgusted, i still feel discomfort associating myself with that life. i cling to childhood and youth and traditions i missed out on because i lacked so much of that routine as a kid. is it so wrong to cry and want to die that you never got to experience a proper, loving christmas like everyone in your schools did ? no toys, no cable, only a tiiiny tiny laptop (like a 2008 chromebook-like thing) to keep me busy.. i wasn’t allowed to go outside of my own house to play with the dog, nor was I allowed to have anyone come over. wasn’t allowed to visit other people’s houses… not like i remember of that much anyways, as i barely remember anything from childhood except mortifying things.. i recently saw a way to connect to my mother by opening up. i confessed to her a lot of things as i was a mute child and never shared anything, never felt comfortable to — about how it affected me, about how i feel like im in stasis. i told her about what happened between me and my father, what happened between me and my brother, and i felt empty when she looked away from me and didn’t answer. No closure or comfort, and simply said that i should have taken advantage of my opportunities when I had them. And i have sabotaged myself. nothing else can explain for my disability, my mental health, and my plummeting education.

It took me 6 years to get an ID. 5 years to get a bank account. I don’t know how to learn how to drive and I am scared but I have to. i cannot go anywhere without someone’s help, primarily hers.

it feels too unfair, and i am still grieving for every year that passes by, even the previous year, that i am still locked in a house. i have never experienced much that i can call positive memories until i went to be with my best friend and my boyfriend. but that just made the memories painful too; when I think about how I have to end the trip. Board the plane or get in the car, and cry about how I have to go back home and be with my mother. it is not normal, to dread going back there so intensely. i wish i had a different life very badly, honestly, but a comfort i have now is that i think i am now strong emotionally and legally that i can make my own plans, manage my own bank, decide who i can visit without the permission of my mother. but. that is not because of my strength, and it is actually because she is sick. and she now has cancer as of september. I feel like i have been held in my mothers arms forced still for an entire two decades and the only reason she’s let go is because she is, her health is not well. And she has prepared me this week, a conversation of where to find her records, her files, her will, her passwords. Everything, if she passes away soon. i want to sleep forever, because i don’t want to wake up to a day wondering if it will happen soon. I don’t want to be in this position. I am scared. I wish I was with people I loved who loved me. i am shaking and sad. I wish I was too drained to cry anymore because I do it too much, for years. I wish I wasn’t such a sad person. I wish I wasn’t so miserable, I wish I had more happier things to think about when people ask me how I am. I feel miserably

I was gifted breath of the wild a couple years ago, now i am finally playing it. it helps i think. i really enjoy it most for the animal interaction and cooking and exploration.

[heartscrypt]

hhi. stray cat has returned. and i am in dire need of knowledge. what do the leech twins think about cyrus. im not sure if this was expanded on but i need 2 know

SO GLAD U ASKED STRAY CAT ANON!!!! ive been thinkin bout it lotsss. hehehehe

CANON CHARACTER THOUGHTS ON CYRUS: LEECH TWINS EDITION

"Eeeh? Nishikigoi-chan? Ahaha~ he's funny! It's annoying when she gets all fussy, though. He doesn't know when to quit when I tell him I don't wanna do stuff. Ugh... for a shallow lil' pond fishie, she can be so pushy..."

"Why're you even asking what I think about Floyd, smallfry? Haaah.. guess I got nothing better to do but answer you. He's entertaining, I guess, when he's not being a dead weight. Hm hm hm~ I like how he bites back. Too many Octavinelle fry walk around with no spine, you know, so it's nice to see someone in the dorm with guts."

okay so first up. floyd. floyd and cyrus are really similar actually. in terms of like. Priorities (aka they both have none and just do whatever the fuck they want). cyrus only hangs around people that entertain her because she craves constant stimuli like. all the time. and floyd def fits that bill so. they enable each other to do things that will eventually make azuls hair fall out from stress probably.

doesn't mean they're always on the best terms though. when floyd's mood swings he finds cyrus annoying and in turn cyrus finds Him to be a drag when he's not hyperactive. they are very much fair weather friends. when they can stand to be around each other, they are collectively a menace to society. when they can't stand to be around each other, they are.... still menaces to society but in a much different way.

"Oh, you've encountered Cyrus-san. It seems he enjoys toying with his food.. ahem, that is to say-- he's quite the playful person, isn't he? Heheh. It's a shame that she refuses to join the Mountain Lovers club ... He does seem to enjoy the anecdotes from my trips, but I haven't yet been able to convince him to come enjoy the beauty of nature with me. Oh, but it'll happen one day. I'm sure."

"Hm? What am I drinking? Wouldn't you like to know... aw, darling fry, don't look so spooked. It's only something Jade brewed up for me. Ahaha! Oh, your face looks so stupid all scrunched up like that. Of course I don't know what Jade's put in this. That's the exciting bit, you know. ... Though if he's put a paralyzing agent in this one again, I'll pour herbicide in his new terrarium, and he knows it. Paralysis is so last week."

secondly. jade. honestly, cyrus prefers jade's company over floyd's. they have tea together because cyrus is pretty much the only person who will listen to jade talk about mountains and mushrooms. as someone who likes to explore herself. he does get bored if jade starts going into too much detail about the natural wonder of the mountains or whatever. also not a big fan of hiking like jade is so she refuses to go on hikes w jade. he'd rather sit n listen to the other tell stories.

... also cyrus is the only one willing to try jades mushroom concoctions as Long as jade disguises the taste of it. because as weird as it is she's a huge thrillseeker who can't stand a moment feeling bored and if jade wants to Mildly poison her it's better than. idk. Not being poisoned and sitting still with nothing to do.

#twst #twst oc #twisted wonderland oc #twisted wonderland #heartscreations #cyrus de seirene #txt post #in conclusion theyre all freaks and they make everyone's lives around them hell #the coral sea is small so realistically they shouldve encountered her once as kids #but with cyrus's living situation she wouldn't have seen much of Anyone outside her immediate circle so #thats my excuse for why they didn't know each other before nrc

[abbystoy]

The arrival୨୧

it was a lovely silent night, no work, no stress, not anything. You were sitting on your bed listening to some music until u got a text from ellie

heyyy

it wasn't unusual for her to text you at night but it felt kind of different this time since she was still at work

hii baby how's work

U saw ellie typing something but then it'd disappear. U felt ur stomach tense up because of that, she usually answers quicker than the flash of light. The typing and stopping went on for 3 minutes until she finally replied

it's fine, how are ya love, did u eat something?

U felt kind of relieved because of her answer, you thought that something was serious because she kept on typing and erasing.

Yeah,I did infact eat sum and u? What'd u eat

Delivered.

That was weird.

15 minutes pass. no answer..

Another 15 minutes pass, still no answer.. you started to get anxious because she would never ignore u, would she?

40 minutes pass..

4+ notifications

fuck I'm sorry babe for not replying earlier something unexpected happened

replied to you (Yeah,I did infact eat sum and u? What'd u eat)

No I didn't eat hun ill just get smth from burgers king on my way home

babyyyy

did I upset u ml?

Im sorry for this sudden thing, I will tell u everything when I get home

I love you so much

When she texted you these you were blasting music thru your headphones to distract yourself from your thoughts cause that's what you'd always do. You heard some buzzes from your phone but u didn't spare a glance at it thinking it was from a useless app u had forgotten to delete.

30 minutes pass and still no ellie home. You decided to check your phone now and see if she texted u.

Ooh okay ellie, don't worry it's okay jus be safe, when are you coming back?

You replied to (I love you so much)

I love you more els pls come home I miss u already

And just when u hit send, that song started playing.

I am not the only traveller.. Who has not repaid his debt..

As the song went on images with you and ellie popped in your mind. How you and her would go to the beach and build sand castles and then ellie as a goofball destroying them, how'd she'd get u under the sand and force to stay in the until she made a mermaid tail at the end of your feet which you'd ofcourse giggle as she'd do,how she'd always make sure to get food from home even if u assured her that ud be fine, the way she'd untangle ur hair after getting out of the sea.

Ive been searching for a trail to follow again..

Oh take me back to the night we met.

You were so lost in your thoughts until u heard your phone ringing

"Elssss💍🩷" incoming call

You immediately picked up and rushed to talk first "Oh my gosh ellie I got so worried" was the first the u spat out

"Hey bun,don't worry about me you know I'm always safe, I just called to make sure u were okay and if u wanted me to pick up something from burgers king" Ellie said with some muffled voice from the backround that almost covered her own

"I don't need anything baby, thank you just drive safe on ur arrival" u quickly said "course I will princess, see you in 15" and with that the phone call ended and there you were, lost in the song's lyrics, reminding u how u met ellie at that local bar

And then I can tell myself..

What the hell am I supposed to do..

And then I can tell myself..

Not to ride along with you..

Before u could realize u were singing the lyrics, humming at some parts but mostly singing. One of the million things ellie loved about you, your voice. It'd calm her on her rainy days and replace those rainy clouds with the brightest sun in the universe. It would be like a lullaby to her, making her fall asleep whether it was on your chest or her pillow she had a strong preference for your chest.

15 minutes pass and u hear a ring, you basically trip over some chords and charges and even ur own the feet to open the door, u see ellie with a tired face but she always changed it when she saw ur little face

"Y/n, I missed u. Shit" Ellie said with the most tiring but expressive way possible as she hugged u tightly with the bags she held

"I missed u more,u can't imagine" u said as ud give her thousands of pecks on her cheeks and a big smooch on her lips, which ellie ofcourse accepted by rewarding it back to you.

"I got u some nuggies because I know u will get hungry later, so just incase babe. I always need to buy my princess something to eat" she said with a grin on her face as she kissed ur pretty face over and over again. It's like her duty to buy you something, if she doesn't she will fr explode.

"I love you els,so so much" u said while plastering kisses on her temples "I love u more babe" Ellie said "I will go undress and put my pajamas on and be right back" she said as she stroke ur hair and kissed ur head.

I had all and then most of you some and now none of you,

Oh take me back to the night we met..

SORRY IT WAS SHORT BUT ITS 1AM AND I GOT STUFF TO DO TOMORROW, HOPE U STILL ENJOYED THO🫶🏻🫶🏻

#ellie williams tlou2 #tlou2 ellie #ellie x y/n #ellie x fem reader #i need her #tlou #tlou2 #Soft!ellie x reader

[lavenderfloower]

Leon x Therapist!Reader

Leon realized he needed therapy because the title of champion isn't easy. It's a lot of stress. The league pays for therapy for some of it's high ranking competitors and gym leaders. The league sent Leon to a therapist named Y/n L/n. Leon was riding his Charizard to the address he was given. He got lost in the woods. He was walking around until he heard a woman's voice and started walking towards it.

"Hello?" She called out and Leon stepped into her gaze

"Hey umm I'm kinda lost I'm looking for a person named Y/n L/n do you happen to know who she is and where I can find her?" Leon asked

"Oh! That's me I saw your Charizard fly over and your purple hair and I also happen to know you don't have the best sense of direction" Y/n put out her hand for Leon to shake and Leon gave her a firm handshake.

"How did you know?" Leon asked

"My brother talks about you a lot" Y/n explained

"Oh now I remember where I've seen your face you're Raihan's sister" Leon remembered her and Raihan talking at their battle a few weeks ago.

"So he invited you too the battle a while back" Leon asked

"Yeah we're really close, I'm glad to have a brother like him but he is a bit competitive" Y/n told him smiling

"Trust me I know" Leon deadpanned

"We should probably go inside and get started" Y/n suggested

Y/n led Leon to her little cottage that was surrounded by a vivasous garden and tons of pokemon.

"Are these pokemon yours?" Leon asked

"Nope they just hang out around my place and I feed them but they're wild" Y/n explained

"Cool"

Y/n let him in and asked him to sit down. She got him tea and sat down in another chair.

"So Leon the reason you're here is completely between me and you and only you can change that and eventually I want you to feel comfortable enough to talk to me openly" Y/n started explaining things to him

"Alright" Leon complied

"So if I may ask why you felt the need to come her" Y/n asked

"Oh well being champion is sometimes stressful and I feel like I can't talk to anybody about it because they wouldn't understand. I'm number 1 in the world and it scares me a bit" Leon ranted to Y/n and Y/n began taking notes

"Are you scared because you don't know how to get stronger because there's no one you know of ahead of you that you can surpass?"

"Yeah that's exactly how I feel!" Leon exclaimed

Y/n softly laughed at his reaction.

"Man you must be really good at this therapist thing" Leon complimented

"Why thank you Leon that's very sweet of you" Y/n thanked him for his kind compliment and smiled at him.

Something about Y/n's smile just made Leon want to see more of her.

"So Leon want to go play with the pokemon in the garden?" Y/n asked

"Of course"

The two walked out to the garden and all the pokemon immediately flocked around Y/n. Leon slightly laughed because she looked cute surrounded by pokemon. (im sure all my readers are cute cant change my mind dont try).

"Are all pokemon this fond of you miss Y/n" Leon asked

"Well no... ive been attacked a handful of times trying to help an injured pokemon but nothing too bad" Y/n said moving her way to Leon with the wild pokemon still at her feet making her trip into him. Luckily he caught her.

"I'm so sorry Leon" Y/n apologized

"Oh no its fine I understand and no one was hurt right?" Leon said making Y/n look down at her feet to check for any injured pokemon

"I dont think so" Y/n smiled

Y/n and Leon spent the rest of the day playing around. In the end Leon wanted to see more of her and he felt so much better just from being around her. Leon eventually had to leave.

"See you next time Leon please be safe going home" Y/n told him

"Thanks Y/n"

The next couple of months Leon went to therapy and he felt better and better each time. Y/n was a kind and caring soul and Leon loved that. So he was going to confess his love for her. He somehow remembered the way to her house. When he landed Y/n was already outside watering plants.

"Hey Y/n" Leon greeted

"Hi Leon" Y/n replied walking up to him and his Charizard

"Its nice to see you again" Leon smiled

"Yesh it's nice to see you too it's always nice to see you" Y/n said

"I'm glad to hear that because I have an important question for you" Leon said while getting off of his Charizard

"Y/n the fee months we've known each other have been absolutely amazing and learning more about myself and you have been really fun. So what I'm asking is if maybe you'd be my girlfriend?" Leon asked taking his cap off

"Oh of course Leon I'm actually really glad you asked because I feel the exact same" Y/n replied taking one of his hands in hers.

Leon and Y/n gave each other a tight hug until they heard a loud gasp.

"Y/n! what on earth are you doing?!" Raihan exclaimed walking out of her cottage

"I told you I had a patient today Raihan" Y/n told Raihan

"Not that Leon just asked you out and you didn't say a word to me?" Raihan said in a very jokingly sassy tone

Y/n laughed at Raihan and smiled at Leon

[harryhandstan]

lindseyyyyyy

SUPER BELATED HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!! 🎉🎉🎉🎊🎊🎊🧁🧁🧁🧁🧁😽😽🥳🥳🥳🥳

(im sorry that was super late)

its crazy how fast a year goes by. i hope youre doing better now after the accident :(( what happened?? you dont have to answer if u dont want to ofc!!

i honestly have no words. im sorry you had to go through all that :(( i wish i could take away the pain ❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹

i am soooo happy and excited for you! you and your family deserve to live a peaceful life!! i honestly have no idea what its like in georgia but i hope you find somewhere safe!! maybe you could try to find a remote job if you wanted to stay in the area?? and honestly f*** your dad. you don’t deserve any kind of negativity im so proud of u for sticking up for yourself and your family!

ive got one year left!!! and it’s finally over!! school’s been ehh. its still difficult for me to make new friends but i’ll get over it. i got nosebleeds to see taylor 😭😭 but its still better than nothing & thank u!!

PLEASE tell me about stevie nicks and your roadtrip!! i cant wait to hear about it

im soooo proud of u!! im always here for u and im always wishing you the best! 🩷🩷🩷🩷🩷🩷youuuu

-🧸

ahh thank you baby!!! no it's okay I didn't make a big deal about my birthday this year so it's fine 😊 it was the day after we got back from our road trip and I stayed with my sister for a few days and just hung out with her! she got me some cute lil harry coded fruit hair clips and made me dinner and we had cake and ice cream and watched a movie with her roommate!

oh no I don't mind saying what happened! I honestly thought I had already said, I'm sorry! my mom and I were leaving to go grocery shopping and I got kicked by a horse. I am doing better I've made a TON of progress but still feel like I have a long way to go. like doing simple things still takes a lot of my energy sometimes! like I said I was supposed to start a new job working at a daycare as a lead teacher and I think I'm gonna have to give that up now, because I can't imagine being able to work a full shift doing something like that 😔 which just kind of makes me feel lost rn as to what to do for income because I so had my heart set on working there!

thank you thank you for all the love, I'm sitting here with tears in my eyes as I type this because it means so much coming from you! you'll never know how much I appreciate it ❤ it was honestly one of the most insane experiences I've ever had to go through, but as horrific as it was I feel like it's helped me appreciate life a lot more than I did before and realize the impact I have on people and how important I am to them! like my little brother said he cried when he found out and he's just not someone who shows his emotions a lot so it made me very 🥺🥺

I'm so sooooo excited for a new place like I'm already looking at things for my room and I'm looking forward to being able to put up so many harry related things and the big nakey™ poster that all the other harries have and like I said just a nice, clean, peaceful place I can heal and grow in!! and honestly we're in an area of GA that's superrr rural there's literally nothing here lol. I think we're gonna try to get an apartment in the same place where my little sister lives though so that would be perfect! I already feel at home there when I stay and it's a good little area. I probably will have to end up either getting back into selling crafty things or a remote job until I can build up my stamina again to be able to do more and get an in-person job!

yeah fuck phil all my homies hate phil!! he's done nothing but cause us trauma and stress and we'll all be better off away from him. thank you for your pride in me!!! it's never been easy for me to speak up for myself so I'm surprised I've been able to so much with him. he and I had a confrontation in 2021 where he just flat out asked me what was wrong and why I was upset with him and when I told him he basically gaslit me and in the end when I was standing in front of him crying after pouring my heart out, I was told “it’s been that way for a long time, you just need to get over it 🤷🏼‍♂️” so that’s what I’m gonna do, move out and get over it!!

ahhhh only a year left that’s amazing!! my heart is so full of pride for you I know how much hard work it takes to do that and it’s not easy. I hope you treat yourself when it’s all over to a big fat gift or some other sort of treat!! you deserve it 🫶🏻 and nosebleeds for taylor is okay!! I went to see her on the Red tour and we were in nosebleeds and it was still an amazing show. be careful and have a great time!

seeing stevie live was magical like I cannot even describe the good energy I felt while being there ✨ it was my first big outing after my accident and we had seats so I was able to sit down when I needed to (which was a lot more than I wanted to but it’s okay).

our road trip was only a few hours away but it was to see my little brother who we hadn’t see since december of 2021! we spent 4 days there and didn’t get to do a lot, but it was still great to visit him and his girlfriend. we hung out by the pool, ate at some cute little restaurants, saw the new little mermaid movie, and did some shopping 😊

again I’ll never be able to thank you enough for your pride in me!! I’m always here if you need me or whenever you wanna stop by to hear me ramble lol

all my love to you!!! 🩷🩵🩷🩵

#ask me stuff #anon #answered #🧸

[wednesdaytonight]

talking about my feelings helped a lot, i suppose thats a Duh obviously im stuck really hard into i guess flashbacks? i dont really think of it like that, like parts of the past that feels more real then the present i think of it more like bits of my soul is still there, and its not just like Violent moments its like, a moment on a street block that i dont have the connecting memories to, playing risk with a family friend who ill never see again and i was inside like age 8 playing this board game with an adult instead of running around with the other kids outside probs cause of my allergies and i cant go back to either of those things and like thinking about a cafe i spent a lot of time at as a child thats not there anymore or like entering a library thats not there anymore just stuff like that vivid and present its just as exhausting as the times im stuck in violence  maybe its more like obsessive ruminating, like im aware im not there but it makes it hard to think about anything else and i guess it comes with fear that im close to turning something over that i dont want to remember anyway, but omg sharing just a little bit of my feelings i then had a series of really like detailed dreams that were like family reunion road trip where it was stressful but i was being valued then it was like a bunch of houses blurring together and one was like there were marks on the floor where two people died in rooms next to each other their bodies left marks on the wood, there was an identical house next door with a broken window, a voice was like you picked out the perfect house for us wednesday, and my next door neighbors had this massive massive house, and we were on this raised land on a hill in this beautiful area that ive dreamt of before but i dont think its based on anything real real? the neighbors were like a fusion of teachers and cliche tiger mom wife kinda stuff ive had and she was like my neighbor who was also re-parenting me id come over and she’d be weird about gender but clearly saw me as an equal in being a stay at home spouse, then i dreamt of a house i use to live at, it wrapped back around to getting ready for the familiar reunion, i dream of this house a lot, this one specific bathroom in my dreams theres always more to it, like ill open the door and be like oh why did we never use the bathtub in here why did we never see there was a secret basement door or hole into the ground (this time it was just a round hole in the floor) the bathroom was just a sink and a toilet and washer and dryer it got used all the time maybe even more than the upstairs one so idk where this is coming from, the other dream came back before i woke up and it was like the neighbors kids (which were closer to my age than the mom to me but they were like The Kids to me) were helping me set up like a house exorcism cause we couldnt sell, i loved the area and i loved living next to them, i wouldnt be able to live with myself selling a cursed house to someone else and even though i was like ?trapped? there with my ?partner? there was stuff about the life i was unwilling to give up even if it meant my ?freedom?  as we were doing it we were talking about offering a fee and doing this elsewhere like traveling priests when i woke up

and i felt better! like by a lot i went to have breakfast and get all stretches out, tomorrow i start work work again

[abvfluxing]

Several months ago i told my roommate i wasnt interested in looking at a new place to live, bcus at the time i figured there was a good chance i wouldnt still be living in ohio in the next several months to year. (I never told her why i didnt want to look at new places thankfully). Bcus i thot things were going to keep moving in a positive way with him. Very stupid of me.

I waited 6 months on two things. "Idk how I feel " and "we will meet in person". 6 fucking months of waiting patiently.

And when i finally bring up the first thing i get "well i don't think i feel that way... but who knows what the future holds". Wtf. half a year and you still cant say it decisively. I tried so hard to take that as a definitive response and move on, but it wasnt and i couldnt. Bcus im an idiot.

After the first cancelled meeting i waited. Then a second cancelled meeting. And he says "well im not going out of my way looking to pick up trips to go that way, itll happen when it happens". I keep waiting. One day i try to sincerely explain how much its hurting me to wait to meet like this, and how much I want to take the initiative and plan a trip to his city. And how worried i am about the whole "flight school" on the horizon since its going to most likely alter his schedule in such a way that him and i will have so little free time at the same time. And how that scares me bcus it feels like the first step to losing him completely. And this is another reason im pushing to make a meeting happen.

So Making it very very clear that i only would want for one small simple meeting, like a lunch, and that if thats all i got with him that would be enough bcus i also just really want to travel somewhere and see things jve never seen and that taking a plane by myself is a very scary thing, but if im going somehwere where i know a friend is on the otherside it gives me the strength to do something so extreme for myself, i mean im someone that gets stressed and anxious just trying to go to a store or run errands. He says "no, i cant guarantee it would work out to meet, and i dont want you to spend all that money and be disappointed" also "im not out to my family so itd be comllicated to have you over as anything other than a friend". First of all, im not even allowed to try and make something happen. 2nd with weeks ahead of time anybody can plan for a single lunch to happen once out of 2 or 3 days possible. 3rd it must not matter how important it is to me, to be able to try and do something like this, how little i expect how little commitment im asking for it, how unobtrusive im trying to be but also experience something. It doesnt matter. 4th, what the fuck is that second excuse coming from? I didnt ask to meet your family, i didnt ask to come over to a family dinner and ve introduced as your boyfriend. How is that a concern when ive made it clear none of that is expected? (Well stupid ass me thinks only someone thinking of doing those things would randomly bring them up when they were not previously stated). 5thly, if you had a job that would literally PAY you to go and visit your alleged "best friend" ... wouldnt you kinda fucking want to do that? Wouldnt that be cool as shit? If i could get paid to visit some of my friends, i think maybe i might try and make that happen every once in a while. So he wont take a paid trip to see me, and im not allowed to pay for my own trip to him. Kinda really sounds like "i dont want to meet you". Only took this dumbass about 8 months to realize that one.

The last couple of weeks ive been trying to act "normal ". Im not messaging him everyday, even tho i want to. And it fucking hurts me. And idk how he feels about it, or if hes even noticed. Not like he would ever really tell me the truth anyway. So im an idiot and an asshole.

I can't even get him to say something as simple as "i want to spend time with you" i tried so hard one night to see if he could even say that much, it didnt work. Bcus im an idiot.

We had two big fights recently too. The one everyone could see where he made it clear he thinks im stupid as shit. And then a second one a few days later while in a discord call. He was upsetting me so much i had to hang up on him before i blew a gasket. Then i explained to him why i got so upset and his response was "wow you got upset over someone elses opinions". He was going to let the night end like that. Soni explained further why I was so upset. And he said something like "ok". And i had to be like "do i even get an apology?" (After i had already apologized for hanging up and getting upset, earlier in the convo). And only then did he finally give a half assed barely covering the problem apology. But I took it and rejoined the call after calming down a bit more. Once again i was being stupid and an ass.

Ever since those two fights i feel like i get treated like shit all the time. Like he is mad at me about stuff but cant even remotely bring it up outside of treating me like shit. But then the one day he streams its all "this is the game brad recommended for me, he knows me so well" blah blah blah. And weirdly nice replies sometimes. Like clearly something is up. But more likely im just an idiot.

He was trying to talk to me the other day, just a couple days after my "worst day" of the very very bad past two weeks. I told him "sorry i havent been feeling well". Him "oh are you sick. Me "well not like cough cough sick". Him " then what is it?". Me "its hard to say out loud". Him "oh ok".

And that was it. No reassurance, no "im here", no "i understand but you can talk to me if itd help". Nothing. Is that really how someone responds to their "best friend" clearly not being well? Its hard for me to tell bcus im so stupid.

And then the announcement earlier. Came with no warning to me. Last i heard he hadnt heard back from any places. And hours before he posted that he asked what I was doing, and i was playing totk amd watching gdq with the roommate. Not really a good time for him and i to play a game together that would take the main tv in the living room. So he said ok have fun. And i said "if you want to hang out in a call thatd be cool". Him "well id have to go in the other room, ill just stay in the living its more comfortable". Me "ok well lmk if you figure out how to use discord in the living room and id be down to hang out". Him "id either have to wear headphones and not hear the game or put you on speaker and youd hear my game. Which is so annoying". Me "i normally use headphone and just leave one ear uncovered to hear the game. Also so when my games have been too loud". Him "its mostly my friend nate 'blah blah blah" convo ends. And a couple hours later we get that announcement.

Hes got his next two months planned out basically. One month of "working back to back" which contains two weeks off, one of which an international vacation! Lmao. Followed by starting school the next month. two weeks before my birthday! How perfect! I messaged him and told him im happy to hear that he finally heard back from a place. And that im happy for him. But im also so fucking pissed. Ive told him how this school thing coming worries me, and he makes a group post instead of telling his "best friend" first. Isnt that fucked up? Once again im being treated like shit. And hes able to have two weeks off in june, including an 8 day international vacation. But i get "ill try to stream for those other days". Somebody you said "we will meet eventually" and you cant make room for me after all this time before turning your whole lifes schedule around making it so you know we wont be able to hang out anymore. So clearly im a huge fucking asshole for having such selfish fucking thots when all i should have thot was "oh yay good for you!". But hey thats what you get when your a stupid worthless ashole am i right? 😆 😂 😆 😂 😆 😂 😆 😂 😆 😂 😆 😂 😆 😂 😆