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themonsterattheendofthisfic · 4 years

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There had always been something there

If Destiel were to happen, in canon, between right now (5.13) and Carry On. Read on AO3 Here.

There had always been something there. Everybody knew it, but they knew it in that tight little place in your heart that you know not to touch. Demons, angels, they could poke at it, sure. They knew to poke at it.

That profound bond.

Castiel knew from the beginning it was doomed. That was what called him to fall from grace, after all, that something that he saw in Dean. And he thought that would be how he felt about all of humanity, but after Heaven shut him out? It wasn’t. It wasn’t the same; there was something about Dean. But he didn’t know, he didn’t know what it was.

Dean didn’t even think about it. Castiel was just suddenly there, and then he was Cas. And something about him made Dean trust him, it just did. And he was right, after all, Cas proved him right in that heaven room. And of course he wanted Cas there, he was Cas.

Sam didn’t even think about it until... because Dean and Cas were always just closer than he and Cas, and it made sense. I mean, Cas had been there for Dean when Sam went all dark side, they had history Sam couldn’t ever manufacture with the angel. And Cas had saved their asses more than a few times, and... Cas was always gonna be there for them. He was ride or die, and Dean’s loyalty was exclusively ride or die, no matter how stupid or lost or monstrous that buddy was. It was his thing; after all, he’d grown up with Sam as a little brother.

But as they got older, Sam started to look at old couples in diner booths and get sad. He started to want that kind of thing, and it didn’t make sense to him how Dean just... didn’t. He used to, talked about that “apple pie” life with the kind of wistful bitterness that was transparently envy. But then:

“You don't ever think about something? Not marriage or whatever. But . . . Something? You know, with a hunter? Somebody who understands the life?“

“Have you not heard a single word Bob's been singing about? You're tired. I can tell. You're exhausted. Well, I'm still wired, so I'm gonna pull over, get some gas. You hop in the back, get some Z's 'cause, buddy, you earned 'em.”

It just didn’t make sense. It didn’t really seem like Dean was lying. Pushing him away, sure, but not lying. Dean didn’t need anything, anybody more, not anymore. But how could he be so content with being alone? Besides... family?

And then Sam realized, just a little bitterly, that Dean wasn’t alone, at least not in everyday life. In their little trio, it wasn’t three guys making it by themselves together. No, when it came to home life, it was Sam, and it was Dean and Cas.

Of course, it wasn’t like... Well, I mean, it wasn’t like Dean was...

Okay, so Sam had always known that Dean looked at guys a certain way, got nervous with guys a certain way that he was never comfortable talking about. So they never talked about it.

And then he thought about all the looks that went on just a second too long, and how quick to anger Dean was when it came to Cas, and how broken he was when Cas was gone.

And all of a sudden, Sam thinks that maybe, maybe Dean’s a little in love with Cas. And maybe he doesn’t even realize it.

“Hey, Dean?”

Dean looked up from his book disinterestedly. “Yeah, what’s up?”

Sam cleared his throat and sat at the foot of Dean’s bed. Gingerly. “Uh... I just wanted to, I mean.”

“Come on, spit it out Sammy, I don’t have all day.”

Sam frowned. “This morning, you said you were dedicating the day to, and I quote, “relaxurbation.”

Dean nodded seriously. “And I’m on a very tight schedule.” It got a laugh out of Sam, which was all Dean wanted, because conversations that started with Sam stuttering made him nervous.

“Okay, so, I don’t mean to, like, pry or anything. And I’m not even saying this is it so like... don’t freak out, okay?”

Dean raised his eyebrows. “You’re freaking me out right now!”

“Sorry, sorry.” Sam cleared his throat again. “Okay, you know how we grew up...” He could see Dean opening his mouth to make a snide comment. “Just shut up, dude! For once.”

Dean blinked, pausing, and spread out his hands. Go ahead. “Dad raised us rough and in a bunch of podunk, nothing towns around a bunch of hillbilly, old-fashioned hunters.”

“Like Bobby?” Dean asked sarcastically.

“Yeah, and like Travis.” Silence. He’d made his point. “Listen, all I’m saying is that we were raised around some pretty messed up stuff about being strong or whatever. About being a good man.”

“Okay, and?” Dean was squinting now, looking at Sam like he had no idea what he was saying.

Sam rolled his eyes. “And they weren’t right. I mean, they made fun of me for reading too much. The stuff they said about other people? About people that weren’t leather-wearing shotgun yielding hardasses? Some of them were just... bigots.”

“Sam, what the hell are you saying?” Dean was impatient again, but Sam’s heart sped up. Usually Dean got impatient when he was uncomfortable.

“I’m saying that it’s understandable, you know, for us to still feel some of that. But we don’t have to be like them, Dean.”

“Sammy, are you trying to tell me something?” Dean was leaning forward, hands on his knees.

“Yeah, man! I’m trying to say that I don’t think like them. I’m not- it doesn’t change anything for me if somebody’s, like, gay or something-”

Dean folded back up. “Oh, and you think it does for me? Jesus Sam, I may be a dick but I’m not an asshole.”

Sam put his face in his hands. This was coming out so wrong. “I’m saying, Dean, that looking at guys doesn’t make you any less of a man.” There was dead silence. Sam swallowed and looked up to see Dean staring at him angrily, but Sam could swear there was a little hint of fear in the way Dean was working his jaw.

“I don’t know what you’re thinking you’re seeing Sammy, but you’re way off base.” He got up and stormed away to his room without another word.

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Dean slammed his bedroom door with a bang that made even him jump. He stopped dead and breathed shakily, trying to sort through his thoughts. He was pissed, for one thing. That much he knew. He was also shaking. He squeezed his eyes shut and tried to picture that dock he loved to fish at, the one he dreamed about on his best nights. It always calmed him down.

Why the hell would Sam think that he was… what, gay? Dean laughed out loud to himself. He loved the ladies. He more than loved the ladies. Hell, he had dumped Sam at a bar plenty of times to spend some quality time in their hotel room with a hot girl. No way, Sam must’ve hit his head.

But he went over the conversation in his head again, all that stuff Sam had said about John’s buddies growing up. It was true, marine vets and hunters in the ‘80s and ‘90s were not the most open-minded crowd. They’d given Sam shit about his good grades and his hair, given Dean shit about his cheekbones for gods’ sake. That time he’d wanted to go to the prom, that time they’d caught him listening to Radio Speedwagon… okay, so they were assholes. Sure. And no, some of them hadn’t had the greatest things to say about Freddie Mercury or Rock Hudson or David Bowie… But that didn’t make him like them. He didn’t have crushes on guys like that…

Okay so he could admit that Fred from Scooby Doo was annoyingly perfect. And he had been a little obsessed with him as a kid. But that didn’t mean he wanted the guy.

And Rodney, that guy in sophomore year that he tutored in Latin for extra cash, the swimmer. He’d tried so hard to make him laugh, he had such a nice laugh. And arms. But it wasn’t like he’d ever done anything…

Lee was a one-time thing. Dean was lonely and on an adrenaline rush from his first case without John, and they got drunk. It just happened. And they’d woken up to John banging on the door and even after they had all their clothes on, they still got chewed out for being drunk. And he and Lee, well, he never let it happen again. And after the cult thing, after the bloodbath in Arizona… Dean had been shitty. He had been mean and dismissive and told Lee to fuck off, that I was drunk, man, and he didn’t see Lee again until he had to kill him.

But that didn’t make him gay.

He hadn’t done stuff with a guy since. Maybe he’d looked at them. Maybe he’d gotten blushy and tongue-tied a couple of times around a couple of detectives, but he was naturally awkward sometimes. And plenty of straight dudes watched gay porn.

Dean laughed and felt a tear slide down his face, and he stopped it up tight. Okay, fine. So Sam was right. Maybe he liked guys. In a way adjacent to the way he liked girls.

Maybe that made him bi.

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“Sam.” It came out stern and rough and too loud, and Dean cleared his throat. Sam was making himself breakfast, so Dean leaned up against the counter and waited until he looked up from his eggs.

“Look, I’m… I’m sorry. For the other night. Um…” He cleared his throat again. “Look, you were just trying to get me to ‘introspect’ or whatever, and I don’t really…”

“Deal with that well?” Sam smiled softly and Dean laughed nervously, looking down. He looked back up and caught Sam’s eye. Sam knew, he got it. And he knew what Dean was trying to say. Dean nodded and cleared his throat again.

“Thanks. Okay, enough of that talk for a lifetime!” he said cheerily. He started to practically run from the room but paused at the doorway and shouted. “Chicks are still hot though!”

Sam laughed. “Never doubted that, Dean. Nobody could fake your kind of enthusiasm.”

Dean grinned and winked, and then he left the room.

He was out.

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Sam talked to Cas next. For all the saving the world and working against God they were doing, they had a lot of down time. Cas was studying a lore book in the library while Jack and Dean watched a full season of “River Monsters” for an “educational break from the world destruction shit.”

“Hey Cas, can I ask you a question?” He sat down across from Cas and leaned across the table. This was going to be so much easier than the conversation with Dean. And he really needed to know if… well, if he was right. If there was a chance that, after all this, Dean could be happy with somebody who understood the life, like he wanted to be. That is, if they all survived.

“Of course, Sam, what is it?” Cas was as earnest as ever. He smiled. Dean’s constant gruffness could be good with that earnestness. Was already good with it.

“Angel… society, I guess. How does that work?”

Cas tilted his head, confusion and a hint of snark behind his words. “You’re going to have to be more specific, Sam. Angels have lived for millennia spread across the entire universe.”

“Yeah, okay.” Sam sighed. Maybe this wouldn’t be that much easier. “Like, I know you said angels don’t have gender or anything, but… do you have sexuality? Love? Those kinds of… things?” Fuck, was he being too obvious? Dean would kill him. Chuck would actually get his perfect ending.

Cas was pondering. “Well, I suppose it changes in degree for every angel, as it does with humans. But, yes, we have emotions not unlike humans. Without them, I would never have fallen in the first place.”

Sam sucked in a breath. “Right, like, you, um, you saw Dean and…”

Cas nodded. “Once I saw what heaven was doing to Dean and you, I started to have doubts. I started to feel… for humans. And well, Dean pushed me into making the right decision. He got me angry enough.” Cas smiled at the memory.

“Yeah, uh, he’s pretty good at that.” Sam cleared his throat. “So, you have emotions, can you fall in love?”

“I don’t know.” Cas looked at Sam’s perplexed face and tried to explain. “I can feel connection, I can feel loyalty, I can feel… desire…” Sam was un com fort able again, why did he decide to do this? “But whether that amounts to human love, I don’t know. I never had the chance to fall in love as a human; I too heavily relied on you and Dean to feel at all comfortable.”

“I mean, that sounds like love to me. All of that and… knowing that if you lost them, it would hurt something awful. That you’d do anything in the world to save them from any pain.” Sam was back on Eilleen again, he couldn’t shake her.

Cas was silent for a moment until Sam came out of his thoughts and motioned for him to continue. “As for sexuality, angels do not have what humans define as gay or straight or anything else. We see souls as much as vessels. Gender is inconsequential.”

“Right, yeah, I imagine it’s hard to be gay when you don’t have genders in the first place.” Sam laughed, but Cas stayed silent. Apparently he didn’t see any humor in it. “Well, uh, have you ever thought about… I mean, do you ever want to settle down or something?”

God, was he asking him for his intentions or something? Sam could not believe his clumsiness. It all sounded better in his head.

“Sam, I’ve been alive for millenia and will live for many more, if Chuck doesn’t destroy the world. If I were to find a mate or any such thing, I would have to see them age and die and live on. Is that something you would want in my shoes? Is it something anyone would want to be involved with?” Cas was almost… bitter. But more, he just seemed tired. And sad.

“I’m sorry, Cas. I never thought of it that way.” Sam started to stand, to leave him alone, but he paused. “For the record, though, yes, it is something I would want. We all have to lose people we love someday, but it’s pointless if you use that as an excuse. Sounds like something Dean would say.” He sighed and left Cas sitting alone with his thoughts.

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Cas was… he was pensive. Sam’s question’s replayed in his head, that last comment on repeat the most. Love and desire and loyalty and pain, that is what characterized love. He mulled it over. So many years had been wasted on heavenly wars, following orders without question and executing “the will of God” without doubt. Really, the only time he started to feel emotions that made him really… ache… well, it was with Dean.

Dean was the first human he’d ever met to treat him like he was… human. Dean was the first person he ever stepped in for, ever betrayed orders to try to protect. Dean was the first human to make him double over with laughter. Dean was still the only person who would go to the ends of the universe for him; he’d shown it time and time again.

But behind all the big stuff, Cas really started to think. He thought, at first, that his heart was speeding up from excitement, from the danger, that looking at Dean was just the alarm bells that would set off his fall. But they’d never stopped.

They had a profound bond.

It was possible, then, after all this time, that Megatron had been right. Castiel was in love, with humanity in general no, but with one man, yes. The one man he’d given up everything for. Maybe Sam was right. Maybe after Chuck was defeated, there would be time for love.

He remembered his deal with The Empty. If he was happy, truly, then he would die. But hadn’t Castiel risked that for Dean many times before?

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Dean’s first steps into intentional bisexuality included lots of porn and even more stuttering. He went out to a gay bar, the only one in 100 miles that he could tell, and bumped into every table his shaky legs could find. He spilled drinks and messed up pick up lines he’d used for years. His face saved him. He made out with a few guys, got pushed up against walls in the alley and discovered not only butts were butts, but mouths were mouths. Universally.

He never went any further.

He was far from a virgin, but, after so many years, Dean was scared. Ass hanging out in the wind scared. And he was not about to admit that to anybody, which meant he was not about to get in any kind of situation that he would freak in. So no sex.

So after a while, Dean laid off on the investigation and just… let it be. He started driving around in Baby a lot, parking in the middle of nowhere to think, trying to get comfortable with new and improved him. One night he accidentally did that until about 3 in the morning.

Dean drove back to the bunker that night, dazed and confused, if you will, by his feelings. He parked Baby in the garage and went around the long way, still trying to parse out why the hell he was so hung up on the idea of fucking a guy.

Castiel was waiting up for him. He sat in the library, holding a glass of whiskey that he’d obviously not touched. “Cas, buddy,” Dean yawned and stretched, walking over to him. “What are you doing out here?”

Cas shrugged. “I guess I was just making sure you got home. I mean, were alright. I didn’t know where you were.”

“You tell me everywhere you’re going?” Dean winced inwardly at how harsh that sounded. His gut reaction was still defensiveness; he wasn’t ready to tell Cas about any of this. He took the glass out of Cas’s hand and downed the whiskey; maybe that would soften his edges a bit.

“I was just worried.”

“Cas, phones, for the millionth time, phones exist. Pretty sure you were there when they were invented.”

Cas pursed his lips, annoyed. “Well excuse me for caring about you, Dean. I was under the impression that that was what we did around here.” He tried to stand up but Dean waved an arm at him that forced him to sit again.

“Listen, I’m sorry, okay? I’ve just been… working a few things out. Going on drives. Um…” Dean trailed off. Cas had tugged at his tie to loosen it; he got fidgety when he was annoyed. And that made Dean feel something that he was just learning to recognize. Cas looked up at him, confused at his sudden silence, and then they were just looking. At each other. Like they had so many times before. Except this time Dean knew exactly what he was feeling and it scared the fuck out of him. And Cas knew exactly what he was feeling, and it scared the fuck out of him.

“Okay, I’m, uh, I’m hitting the sack. You coming?” Dean started to stand up and almost choked on his own breath. “I mean, you going to your room, because it’s too creepy to think of you just sitting out in the dark like this all night.”

“Yes. I guess I am.” Cas said softly. Whatever made Dean happy. Even when he was being a dick.

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SAD ENDING:

They were ready. Well, not ready, but as ready as they ever would be. Chuck was waiting, he knew they were coming, and Team Free Will 2.0 had all the weapons they could muster. And yet they still geared up like it was a normal hunt. Sam was packing snacks, for fuck’s sake.

Dean walked the halls nervously, tapping on the wall by Jack’s open door. “Hey kid, you doing alright?”

Jack looked up at him, apprehension written all over his face. “When am I not ready to kill my grandparents, the two oldest cosmic beings, in a final hail Mary to save the entire universe and everyone I love?”

Dean chuckled as much as he could given the truth of the statement. “Hey, we’ve all got your back, kid. And if we go down, we’ll go down swinging. Together. ”

Jack nodded and Dean backed off, rounding the corner to Cas’s room. “Cas.” he said it softly, but Cas still startled and turned around. Dean held up his hands in surrender. “Just, uh, checking in, I guess.” Cas hesitated a second and nodded silently. “Did you ever think we’d get here, when you first chunked me out of hell?”

Cas smiled softly. Somehow, through everything, that time in hell had almost become a fond memory. “No, Dean, I can honestly say I never thought I would be here, with you, about to attempt to kill God. Chuck.” There was that bitterness that made Dean a little sad, made him remember how much Castiel believed in God in the beginning.

“Yeah, well, I guess this is it then.”

He looked at Cas and suddenly realized how close they were standing. His eyes searched Cas’s, and they looked at each other for too long of a beat.

“Yes. It seems like it.”

Dean sighed. “Cas, I just wanna say, before we, you know,” he waved a hand around. “I just wanna say, dimes for donuts we don’t make it out of this alive, and-”

“Dean, you don’t need to.”

Dean blanched. Dean, for one, didn’t have any idea what the hell he’d been about to say, so how did Cas? “I just mean-”

“Hasn’t everything already been said? Everything we’ve been through, over all these years, hasn’t that said enough?”

Dean sighed and looked down with a sad smile. “Guess you’re right.” He’d always been a man of action more than words.

Dean gave an infinitesimal nod and Cas gave one back, decided, and they went to fight. Maybe someday there would be a time for words.

Except there weren’t any more days. Not for them.

#destiel #dean winchester #castiel #sam winchester #fanfiction #canon compliant #canon destiel

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andrewuttaro · 6 years

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New Look Sabres: GM 24 - DET

Detroit is like Montreal in that Buffalo hasn’t seen them in the playoffs in a great long while; in fact, the Sabres have never met the Red Wings in the playoffs. That is in no small part because they sat in the Western Conference for a while. They bitched and moaned their way out of that one. In the same way they’re kind of like meh, why do I hate these guys? Should I do the Burn Book now? I’ll do the Burn Book now. Why should we hate the Detroit Red Wings? Sabres fans, Detroit has all the snobbery of Montreal with an American industrial decay flavor. Hate them because they’re so illustrious a team they can stink and not get too badly roasted by the great hockey prognosticators. Detroit fans: You have been languishing in-between dynasties for nearly a decade but there isn’t any panic there. It’s probably because you fans are really the biggest losers: The young fans are there chasing the fading reputation of winning and the old fans there think grit is the most important trait for a hockey player in spite of having watched Pavel Datsyuk for how many years? New ways of doubling down on dumb are being pioneered every year in Detroit these days. You all keep pointing to a promising future that I am not sure your management is willing to pay for. Montreal is taking overtures from you now about ill-advised contracts and thick headed leadership. The second coming of Steve Yzerman is on your breaths because you know you suck ass. Beating you all is fun but never all that surprising. While I’d say those are some ample burns; how about this game.

The game had hardly begun when Detroit got called for too many men on the ice. I know it’s a pretty new arena, guys but you can’t get called for that. On the ensuing Sabres powerplay Jeff Skinner scored in a bit of mad dash in front of Red Wings goaltender Jimmy Howard. On the other end of the ice it was Linus Ullmark in net. Yes, he’s played in this win streak and yes he hasn’t looked as other-worldly as Carter Hutton in much fewer starts. The guy’s got Saturday duties as if he doesn’t get to play other days and when a random puck got dumped on net and took a dangerous bounce toward the net I could feel my heart breaking for Ullmark. It didn’t go in and Ullmark held onto 1-0 through 20 minutes of play; the second period though the haters got their hobby horse and Ullmark let in a bit of Dylan Larkin stinker from the wall. There were other stinky parts of this game. Marco Scandella had perhaps his most dreadful game of the win streak. There were also a lot of non-stinky things in this game. Tage Thompson for example got a few shots himself in each period. The guy has three goals and three assists in his last four games. Ops, I just gave it away: five minutes into the third period Sam Reinhart and our old pal Tomas Vanek got penalties and there was a space of time it was 4 on 4. Mind you, I was at a 50th Wedding Anniversary party at the most Italian place you will ever smell. Name an Italian stereotype and it probably happened at this party. Let’s just say it was too loud to hear the stream. I watched parts of the game on my phone but didn’t really hear anything until later on. We’ll get there.

Anyway, the 4-on-4 yielded a sweet opportunity for Dylan Larkin that nothing came of (except a wicked Ullmark stop) and then as the Sabres took over their O-Zone the puck found its way to Tage Thompson who ripped home a one timer that I don’t think Jimmy Howard saw until it bounced out of his net. I already gave you the incredible Tage stat a minute ago, this kid has been great and a lot of folks say it’s because he got moved to the left wing. I’ll take whatever did it because he looked like a force of nature in this game. Unfortunately later in the final frame Anthony Mantha tapped home a puck that sat in the crease behind Ullmark that Scandella couldn’t fish out in time. 2-2 game and this one goes past regulation because of course it did. I was killing my phone battery watching this game; had my battery died and I not been able to text my wife heading home she would’ve killed me. What can I say; Sabres hockey is just too important to me. Overtime was a fun little heart-racer; Buffalo even got a powerplay setting up the situation that got them the win against Montreal the night prior. Trevor Daley got a breakaway in the dying moments of OT and very nearly won it for Detroit but Linus Ullmark again! Oh haters, where are you? This one went to the shootout and I got the bartender to put it on in the connected bar full of my drunk aunts, uncles and other assorted relatives. Oh, a win here would be fun.

No goal was scored in the shootout until Andreas Athanasiou snuck it past Ullmark five-hole in the fifth round. Tage Thompson responded by keeping Buffalo in the game with your traditional waiting deke score on Howard. The confidence of Thompson is perhaps sexier than his goals. The guy dangled Howard in the most disrespectful way possible. I suppose he has a chip on his shoulder. Sam Reinhart won it in the seventh round of the shootout and the Sabres locked up first place in the whole National Hockey League. SOLE POSSESSION as my siblings laughed at my intensity about it. I saw a bar full of tipsy Italians celebrate this one and it felt so sweet. As of writing this on the Sunday following the Sabres still have first place but both Nashville and Tampa Bay have the opportunity to change that tonight and Buffalo doesn’t play again until Tuesday night at home against the San Jose Sharks. Does anyone else feel greedy yet: first in the NHL? It’s a fun redemption story but it was that at seven wins, this is just disrespectful. Who am I kidding: disrespect the shit out of this league that went on without us for the last eight years. The league is paying attention to the Buffalo Sabres and it’s not for tanking. Let’s rub their noses in it. Nine wins for the number nine Captain Jack!

Linus Ullmark won his first NHL shootout and I just want to say I think this team won in part because of him and not in spite of him. Let the haters disperse, the win streak lives on and Linus guarded it like the good prince and future king he is! Jeff Skinner held the NHL goal scoring lead for a hot minute before Patrik Laine put on a friggin clinic against St. Louis. I don’t think anyone needs to tell us at this point that Skinner is good, on pace for more than fifty goals this season. I litigated that contract point last post, no need to go back to that well. Carter Hutton is one win back of the goaltender lead in wins at 11 and Jack Eichel is tenth in points in a season he’s played his best and only scored five goals so far. Turns out assisting on the league’s second leading goal scorer can make you great too. Remember how I brought up the Sabres holding sole possession of first place in the NHL at the end of last night? Well the last time that happened they were en route to the 2007 President’s Trophy for the best regular season team. I don’t think these guys are quite that team but with a win Tuesday night they could tie that team, probably the best Sabres team ever, for the franchise’s longest win streak in a single season. That is something quite simply unbelievable.

In Wednesday’s win I went over the “Thanksgiving Playoffs” to describe how this team is making their return to the post season more doable with ever win. At this point I just don’t know what to do with these wins anymore. Celebrate them of course, I’ll be blasting EDM getting ready for the Sharks matchup, but what do I do with myself naming this blog New Look Sabres and indeed predicting this team would have a new, winning look to it? Share this blog, like it and leave a comment about how nine straight wins makes you feel. It’s totally unreal. I have all the feels and none of the feels all at once.

Thanks for reading.

P.S. Keep an ear out for Evander Kane. He may be suspended for his return to Buffalo with the Sharks given his abuse-of-an-official call in the most recent San Jose tilt.

#buffalo sabres #hockey #blog #nhl #detroit red wings

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