#because we love and miss her and i am so deeply sad as well

[ialwaysknewyouwerepunk]

.

#these past two weeks have been so intense that ive just.. not spoken about it once i got home from work #blocked it all out #my beloved colleague whose desk is next to mine has cancer #breast and uterus. she needs two major surgeries #they just diagnosed her two weeks ago #so we've been trying to deal with that as colleagues and friends #because we love and miss her and i am so deeply sad as well #but i feel like i couldn't process that at all bc two days after the news of her diagnosis i was asked to take on half of her work #on top of my fulltime #which i agreed to do bc i like her tasks and i want to help her and i also know i can do it #but it does feel very off bc i know i don't earn enough money for this workload to be long term and it is def like this #for the coming four months at least #so i did tell my manager that i would like a raise and. that bitch told me to BUY MORE SECOND HAND SHIT. #i seriously thought i saw my life flash before my eyes #then the day after she asked one of my colleagues who's been with the firm for over 30 years whether she was looking for another job maybe? #which caused that colleague to instantly go home in tears and be home from basically a nervous breakdown the past 1.5 week #which is her full right and i support her with all my heart but bc my management sucks it meant that we had to also carry her tasks ofc #i felt soooo spread thin and super super angry actually but i didn't even realise how angry i was until last thursday my colleague w cancer #came by the office. and talked about all of it. and i suddenly realised how sad i was but then also how angry #but i was just blocking it all out trying to stay afloat #bc we told her about what the manager had said and she said “i hope that i get the chance to really tell her how it is someday.” #“because the stress she causes with people can actually kill you. just look at me.” #and the rest of the day i felt so ready to be done with everything actually #but seeing her anger made me see my own anger #and released me of my own pent up emotions bc i had actual leg pains this week and it was purely psychosomatic #i then managed to tell some friends yesterday about what was going on and their outrage spurred me on even more #so today i emailed hr. demanding a raise #doing this amount of work while constantly feeling like the house is on fire while also struggling financially seriously makes me suicidal #and i am not joking #so.. if nothing comes of that im leaving that job and not looking back

[darkdevasofdestruction]

Heart Sutra ~ Buddha x Goddess! Reader

Gate gate para gate para sam gate bodhi swaha...

"Your pronunciation is getting better, Y/N." King Jataka laid on the grass, underneath a tree, watching the beautiful woman besides him create various models of flower crowns with her magic. "Really? You truly think so?" her charming smile seemed to radiate as bright and warm as the Sun itself. "Yes, I think so. A little more, and you can sing the Heart Sutra perfectly." Jataka found himself smiling also. "Ahh, you are being far too nice, 'Taka." she waved her hand dismissively, returning to her idle work. "Y/N, do you mind if I ask you something?" she hummed, encouraging him to continue. "You are a Goddess. Why have you been staying at my court, disguised as a Bodhisattva?" he asked, deep in thought. Y/N turned her head to look at him properly. "Why, you ask?" Y/N didn't have an immediate answer. "I suppose because it makes me happy." "Does it, really?" he murmured, intrigued. "I think so, yes." she smiled kindly. "Every time I see the smiles of people that I healed, my heart bursts with happiness, and I feel lighter. In this prospect, I suppose that yes, being here, among humans, and aiding them does make me happy." "You are always smiling." Jataka nodded his head, pensive. "You have the most beautiful smile I've ever seen." "Jataka." she called out his name, placing the flower down and leaning back on the tree. "What is bothering you?" "Ahaha... Saw right through me, didn't you? No wonder you're a Goddess governing the nature, peace and serenity. Only someone pure and benevolent like yourself could understand my troubled heart." the King spoke softly. "I am nearing the end of my life, and through this, I have come to realise that although I have done my duty well, made my people happy and that my kingdom is flourishing... You see... I feel... Unfulfilled. I feel... Empty. Like there is something missing. I feel... Deep unrest and... Sadness. As though I am nostalgic over something that I have never had... And never will."

"Your reason for sadness is the very reason over which I took a leave of absence from home, up there." Y/N gently wrapped her arms around the King, placing his head on her lap. "There is no creature alive that can feel happiness over being controlled by a higher being. We blame destiny and duty, or even Gods for out sadness... But the truth is, Jataka... We are the masters of our own destiny, and only we have power over our own lives." Y/N looked away with a sarcastic smile. "If only that were entirely true, huh?" "Lavishing in all these material luxuries, being hidden away from any misfortune, I have been ignorant over what it meant to live." the man sighed deeply. "As I watched the starry skies one night, from the balcony, I realised how vast the skies are - And if the skies are endless, then so must the Earth be. I watched birds fly, unhindered by any restraint, and I realised that I was nothing more than a caged falcon, bound by a rope, never allowed to venture too far. Since my birth, I have been told that I must uphold my duties as a prince - As the future King - And I did everything as best as I could, out of filial love and duty for the people I am responsible for." Jataka felt a sense of relief, feeling the Goddess' hand gently caressing his silvery locks. "Do you think I am selfish, Y/N? For wishing for my own happiness, for once?" "No, Jataka. I do not think you are selfish. Truth is..." though Y/N smiled, it was bitter, and a tear escaped down her cheek. "I am just a little upset that you did not realise it until it was too late." a few more tears followed close behind, surprising the young King. "You are such a good man, Jataka. It always pains me, seeing young men and women like you, who have done only good in their life, and are repaid with only misfortune. I hate how unfair life can be, and I hate that I am unable of meddling with diseases that humans cannot conquer yet. If I were to keep every living being alive, forever, than it would only bring calamity and a disbalance of life." Jataka felt a pang of pain in his heart, realising the emotional woman before him cared so much for him and all the people she governed over - Despite all the births, deaths and rebirths that she's witnessed over the course of aeons, for as long as she has been alive - She still couldn't get over the suffering of loss. "But if I make an exception with you, then I would have to make an exception with everyone, as my heart wouldn't allow me to spare one over the other. A cruel fate, out of which I cannot escape. And you, Jataka, are correct, you are no different - A beautiful song bird, trapped in a golden cage, embellished with the most precious jewels, forced to sing the songs of the nobles, yet unable to break free and witness and experience the world in front of your eyes; Unable to spread your wings and feel the air brushing through your feathers."

Y/N felt two gentle hands cradling her face, wiping away her diamond beads of tears which created blooming flowers where they fell on the ground. Jataka smiled, and kissed her forehead. "Having your love means more to me than anything else in the world." he spoke in a soft voice which mellowed the Goddess' heart further into trembling with emotion. "Though I cannot live the life that I wished, nor live eternal in this mortal husk that my body is - I have a single wish, that only you may fulfill. It is the only thing that can bring me a little comfort. Can you promise me something, please?" "Of course. I will do anything." she placed her hands over his own, intertwining their fingers together. "Please, take care of Siddhartha for me. He is still young and naive, still fooled by the luxuries of the palace. He needs you, the same as I do. He is a good man. Please, care for him the same as you did for me." the two locked eyes, and their hearts came to a deep understanding. A vow was formed, for millennia to come. "I will."

Weeks passed by, and though Siddhartha had no clue that Y/N was actually a Goddess, he enjoyed his time spent with her and Jataka. Ever since she appeared at his Kingdom, quite a while ago, he felt that those two were kindred spirits, in ways that few could accomplish, as though they could understand each other simply through looks and smiles. Or maybe that's how mature adults think. One of the two, he wasn't quite sure. Either way, he often teased Jataka about taking her as one of his wives. He always got scolded when he did.

Y/N wasn't the most talkative, but he always appreciated her care for everyone, including him. All her kind words and sweet actions towards people made the young man want to spend more and more time with her.

At some point, he even came over to her, offering flowers - He had the most innocent, boyish grin - He was so adorable, really. Still, for some reason, Y/N only smiled sweetly at him, kissing his cheek and went away. Though he was flustered, he also felt... Rejected? Maybe his intentions weren't obvious enough? He wasn't quite sure - Not to mention, Jataka just laughed, but gave him no answer. Was he teasing him? Ha!

Jataka's time was nearing its end, and for the first time since they've known each other, Siddhartha was met with a confusing confession for his elder brother figure - The validity of his happiness. Was he happy, truly? Was the material world was the soul's fulfillment was? Or perhaps he was too shallow to realise... Or too inexperienced? Jataka said he realised how much he wanted to see the world and... Live. Alas, he couldn't, not only because of his illness, but because of his duties as a King, trapped in the comforting gold of his kingdom.

He panicked, seeing his older brother's bitter smile, looking into the horizon at the setting Sun, and he felt dread, watching the blood dripping down his hand as he continued to cough.

When the country went into deep mourning, he was shocked not to see Y/N anywhere. She must be glued to the coffin, no doubt. Everyone knew she was the closest person Jataka ever had. As Siddhartha rode towards the kingdom, he saw the people sobbing and weeping for their deceased King.

"The life I lived, who did it belong to, in the end?"

"Do you truly think I am a happy person?"

These questions rung through Siddhartha's mind, as soon as he heard that one assumption - "The king must have been truly happy."

But was he, really? Who's to say he was actually happy? The kingdom's prosperity? The people's well-being? No war, nor famine or plague in the lands he was governing?

At once, Siddhartha came to a revelation. He jumped off his horse, and weeping, he started cackling loudly, making people believe his grief drove him to madness.

As expected, as soon as he entered in the temple, he was met with sobbing people, lots of flowers, and a single woman glued to the King's coffin. Yes, Y/N loved flowers, and consequently, so did Jataka - Hence why Siddhartha gathered a whole basket of field flowers and strutted all the way to the coffin, throwing flowers around.

"Siddhartha...?" Y/N's sweet voice called out to him softly as she rose her crying face to look up at him. "You were right. I understand now, and I admit, you were right." he smiled at her. "I won't say it a second time though." "What are you talking about?" Siddhartha moved his gaze to Jataka, and offered a melancholic smile. "Hey, bro. You 'bout ready to go out of here?" with extraordinary strength, Siddhartha picked Y/N and placed her gingerly on his shoulder, as his other hand held Jataka's coffin. He was completely deaf to all the others yelling at him to stop his mad actions. "Piss off. Whatever Gods you're praying at today - My bro Jataka doesn't need their blessings. Because happiness... Comes from within."

Y/N gasped hearing his bold words - And she started crying. She was proud of him. Afternoon came, and the two knelt on the ground, gazing at the beautiful King amongst the flowers, having his coffin lowered onto the river sheen. "You are free, my friend. Now go and find your happiness yourself." they watched him disappear into the horizon, engulfed into the red rays of the beautiful Sun.

For the first time in the many years since they've known each other, Siddhartha witnessed Y/N offering him her undivided attention. As soon as the silhouette of the coffin was visible no more, she threw her arms around his torso and sobbed like a child. Siddharta smiled, moved that someone cared so much for his bro, and he held her smaller form into his embrace. "Why are you crying so much, you little crybaby? Don't you know - Suffering is only a concept bound to the material world. One day, when we enter Samsara, our souls will reunite with Bro's, and we will be friends again, in our next life - Again, and again, until we reach awakening and attain Nirvana." his words sounded so wise, unlike the childish beliefs of yester-year. "It is alright to upset, the wound is still fresh and ablaze. But Y/N - One should find happiness in remembering the beautiful memories guiding your future, rather than mourning the past." "I am so proud of you, Siddhartha." her words were nothing that he expected, and the young man was taken aback. "You are right. Yes, you are entirely right. If only that life was kinder to benevolent souls like yourself and Jataka." she continued vaguely.

Y/N rose her head to look up at him, a wide smile through her tears. "But, Siddhartha, you see - That truth only applies to mortals. As a Goddess, seeing beautiful souls die so young... Beautiful flowers withering all around you, as the garden you tended with so much love and care dies upon winter... It hurts every time, and no matter how many thousands of years pass, I cannot get over the suffering that loss has on me." Siddharta frowned slightly, confused at her statement. "Goddess, you say? Ha! That's funny." he grinned at her. "You see, I have just come to the realisation that I absolutely despise anything that tries to control my actions. I am a firm believer that we seam the tapestry of our own lives through the choices we make. Now I understand why Bro was so upset last time we met. You knew all this, didn't you, you little minx?" "Of course I did." she huffed lightly. "Siddhartha - Do you hate me for not saving Jataka? Now that you know my identity, you must be very upset that I just let him die." The young man let out an over-dramatic hum, placing his hand to his chin as if to mock thinking, before he popped out a negative answer. At least he retained his childish vitality. "What are you Goddess over, anyway? You healed people. Goddess of Life or what?" "Nature, Peace and Serenity." Siddhartha let out a sound of understanding. "No wonder I and Bro felt so good around you! It's like everything was good around you!" he cackled weirdly. "Must be hard on you, huh?" his theatrical expression turned more gentle and kind. "Having to take care of so many things at once. You know, my wife told me once that she can feel what our child feels. I'm not sure how it works, but it must be similar with you and everything you create right?" Y/N nodded her head, albeit, bewildered at the accurate comparison that he figured out on the spot. "Having to feel the emotion of every living being must be a huge pain in the ass." Y/N giggled in amusement. "I love and care for every living being, Siddhartha. It is like a gardener tending to a flower garden. Every human, every animal, every tree. Everything has life, and their vitality, their energy surges through my veins." she explained, taking a step back. She rose her hands up to take his hair away from his tail, letting it swish with the wind. His hair was so long, that it matches her own. "You dig in the dirt with your own fingers, and you bury the seed of life. Every morning, every afternoon and night, you tend to this seed, and care for it - You water it and fertilize it, protect it from parasites and the harsher weathers. When it comes up from under the first, you see the cutest, littlest sprout, braving to live and grow more. You watch it get bigger, and stronger over the course of many days, until finally, it reaches maturity, and it blossoms into the most beautiful flower." she smiled widely, creating a gorgeous flower crown, which she placed on his head. "But once it reaches maturity, the risk of illness increases. It matures until it grows old. You watch it lose its vibrant colours, the petals fall off one by one, until only a frail stem remains, falling from the faintest breeze, until finally, the roots rot, and the flower is no more." Siddhartha's grim comment about life made Y/N's beautiful gem-like eyes gleam with emotion. "So is life, yes." despite being overwhelmed with emotion, Y/N continued to speak. "Out of all my flowers - Siddhartha, you are my most beautiful lotus flower, and I am most proud of you." the young man blushed in surprised. "Creating humans, creating life - It is the effort of the collective of Gods, not mine alone; But creating, and caring for, is different. I may not be able to look over every living being in this large, large world, but I am most honoured that I was able to meet you and see you grow into such a wise young man."

At once, Siddhartha pulled Y/N into a tight hug, swinging her around enthusiastically. "Awwww, you're the sweetest! You're making me blush!" Y/N was quickly beginning to get dizzy from all the twirling and swinging around from the awfully strong prince. "What did you promise Bro?" "Oh? You knew about that?" Y/N chuckled softly, trying to regain her balance. "I promised that I would take care of you, the same way I did for him." Siddharta grinned widely. "Nope!" Y/N looked at him, a little confused. "I've got a better idea, actually." he brought Y/N at arm's length, his hands placed firmly on her shoulders. "You knew I liked you, didn't you?" Y/N nodded her head. "But a mortal doesn't live long enough, so they can't hang around an immortal, huh?" Y/N's eyes lingered towards the river, before nodding again. "Welp, I've got an idea!" his dazzling smile was more charming than any God. "You see, I want to go on a pilgrimage, all by myself. I want to find myself, and my own happiness. I want to find my purpose. I need to do this alone - Though don't worry, if I am to encounter a like-minded friend, then we will travel together." he spoke. "Will you wait for my return, Y/N? Until I reach my Enlightenment and become an iteration of myself with which I can be proud of?" Y/N smiled dearly at the young man, glowing like the morning Sun. "I will wait for you for as many cycles it takes you to find me again. I hope that, by the time you return, you will have achieved true happiness, and I can see your beautiful smile again. Siddhartha."

The young man smiled brightly before pulling Y/N into a sweet kiss. "Something to look forward to." he gave her a peace sign before walking away. "See ya, Y/N! Laters!" "Have a safe journey, you little troublemaker." Y/N smiled dearly, waving at him. Though life as a God was long and tedious, and relationships were shallow, she felt a pure love like she's never experienced before. Whether she sees the young man again or not, she knew he was going to be just fine.

Since then, Y/N returned to the Gods, continuing her boring life, watching over the nature of Earth from above. Life truly wasn't all that exciting for deities living so long, but once in a while, something big happens - Big enough for the whole foundation of Valhalla to shake to the core.

If a human becoming a demi-God wasn't exceptional enough, considering the bravery and righteousness that Heracles displayed; A man had somehow attained supreme spiritual awakening, and ascended to the title of Buddha the Enlightened, the Wise. A human achieved Godhood.

Siddhartha Gautama

As soon as he saw the Goddess, completely frozen from shock of seeing him in Heavens, he let out a childish squeal and leapt on her, rubbing his cheek on her face as though he's a kitten or something. He told her how much he missed her and what not - Surprise! He even had his own brand of delicious lollipops to share with her! And lots and lots of chocolate too! Oh, and they had so much to catch up!

He told Y/N all about his journey and the people he met, those he guided on their path to achieving happiness, and all the sightseeing he did. Best of all, he reminisced all the awakening he did over the years - And how much he missed her! Haha, a joke - He is always determined to get what he wants, so of course, he was patient. Craving would only bring him suffering, thus the knowledge of knowing the Goddess was there, waiting for him, soothed his worried into a calm peace of mind.

Siddhartha - Now, Buddha - Still felt so giddy, being called by his name. Only Y/N could call him that, of course! No one else had that privilege. The more she spoke his name, the happier he was. Buddha ended up playfully pinning Y/N to the bed, kissing all over her face and tickling her, feeling his heart lighter with every sweet giggle she let. When she couldn't take the tickling anymore, the Goddess wrapped her arms around his neck, pulling him flush against her chest; She took off his hair tie once again, and the pretty crown-like accessory holding it in a lotus-like style, and she caressed his locks soothingly. "I missed you." three simple words, yet they had the strongest effect on him. He felt compelled to engulf her in his strong arms, cuddling together, two hearts soulbound for an eternity of spiritual happiness.

Many, many years passed, and Buddha and Y/N were inseparable. Gods may argue, and so do humans, but never once did anyone even see them disagree on anything, let alone argue. Was it the endless patience and compassion of the Buddha, or that Y/N was always too kind to say anything that might upset someone, and detested confrontation; She'd rather walk away, or smile, instead of disagreeing with anyone.

That was their biggest similarity, but also, their biggest difference - Buddha was never one to back away from a fight against someone he couldn't stand - In his case, most of the Gods. Ironic, isn't it, he told Y/N so many times; How one can detest the very being they became, with the same strength that they love another just as much. He was a God who hated Gods, yet a God, who loved a Goddess as much as he loved the happiness and freedom he achieved.

"You have to find your own happiness within you." he told her once, watching Y/N dancing around the forest. Everywhere she stepped, flowers grew. "That may be so, Siddhartha - But my happiness increases whenever I see you." she bent to his side, grabbing his wrists and pulling him up to dance with her. Though all kinds of flowers bloomed wherever she stepped, hence why she always walked with no shoes on; Where Buddha stepped, beautiful white lilies grew. Together, they created endless flower gardens, more ethereal than any other God could make.

One would think eternal bliss was in store for them - Alas, one so connected to Nature as Y/N, was bound to suffer greatly, to the hands of the mankind she cherished so much. Buddha often saw how Y/N would try to sneak away into the forests, all alone. Though he hadn't seen her, he could sense her distress, her agony. After the third time that she refused to confide in him, preferring to keep the problem hidden, the newly Awaken God decided to confront her himself.

Instead, once he arrived at the edge of the forest, he found Y/N collapsed on the grass, writhing in pain. Panicked, he fell to his knees, cradling her in his arms, calling out her name; She seemed feverish and weak, but Gods couldn't contract illnesses, could they? Surely, they can't. He held her tight in her embrace, wishering the Heart Sutra in her ear over and over again, until finally, her breathing evened out, and the pain subsided.

"Pfeww, don't scare me like that, gorgeous! You're going to give me a heart attack!" he collapsed on his back dramatically. "Forgive me... I didn't want you to see me like this." Y/N sighed, rolling on the grass next to him. "I did not want you to see me cursing the humanity that I loved so much." "Humanity caused you this pain? What do you mean?" he turned to his side, his blue water lily eyes widening. "Take a look for yourself." she guided him to the edge of the floating forest. "Look there - They are at war. Countless people are dying all at once, the grass is drowning in blood, the animals are perishing." she sighed softly, before pointing to the opposite side. "And there - The deforestation, the excessive hunting - That whole hill is bare of life and decrepit, all so that humans may build and build and build some more." "Ahh, I see, so I was more right than I realised, though to think it would affect you to the point of being physically ill. My poor, poor baby Y/N!" he threw his arms around her, rolling on the grass with her dramatically. There was nothing that he could do to save her from this - It was the course that humanity took for itself, but perhaps there might be a way to somehow detach her, even by a little bit, from her connection with that which was created. Perhaps, that-a-way, the suffering may subside. Until then, however, he can only distract her with his love and playfulness. It was working wonders.

For thousands of years, humanity existed, with the will of the Gods, until that will was no more. Even Aphrodite herself, disgusted with the state of the world, agreed to decimate mankind. Shocked with the outcome, Y/N was the first to step forward and protest. Though she couldn't see Buddha looking at her, she could feel his presence and his lingering gaze. She wanted to fight for the mankind that destroyed her from within. None of the actions of humanity were directly affecting either of the Gods, except for her for the most part. She was the only one with the validity of voting, and if she wanted mankind to continue living, she had every right to vouch for them.

But they didn't care for her opinions - Instead, they laughed, saying her pain will disappear along with the humans, and she can achieve serendipity. How ridiculous. Thankfully, Brunhilde's plan of inducing Ragnarok worked, and thus, the thirteen fights were to take place.

Worried, Y/N quickly rushed out of the conference room, needing some time alone to regain herself. She was panicking and afraid. True, eliminating the humans was bound to relieve her heart of suffering - But at what cost? There were so many good people, innocent people out there, who did nothing wrong. Why should they perish, for the mistakes of others? Like how Adam and Even were cast away from Heaven, due to the disgusting lies and deceit of the Snake, so will billions and billions of other people suffer eternal Doomsday.

It wasn't fair.

A mother doesn't kill their own child for misbehaving. The Gods were being as selfish as always.

"N'aww, sweet-cheeks, don't tell me you're crying again! You know it breaks my heart seeing you like this!" though Buddha wasn't expecting to be pinned to the wall, Y/N's fingers digging deep into his shoulders. "We can't let them die, Siddhartha! We can't! They are innocent!" Y/N cried out, looking into his beautiful eyes. "Please, don't tell me you're on their side! We can't - We can't let them die! But what can we do? We are so few, against so many of them - And they're all so unreasonable and short-sighted." Buddha felt pain in his heart, listening to the distress of her voice, seeing the glimmering of her eyes. "I know! I'll... I'll fight for mankind! I... I've never fought in my life... But I am the Goddess of Peace. To know Peace is to know War; and to know War, is to know Peace. One must protect that which he holds dear. That's right, isn't it?" "Y/N." he called out in a gentle, calm voice. "Please, calm down." "Siddhartha...?" she found herself calling out his name. "You and I - We are soulbound, aren't we? We want the same thing. And you, more than anyone else in this world, know how much I hate being told what to do." he pulled her into a deep kiss. "And I'll be damned before I allow anyone to make you cry." Her distressed look turned into a content smile of relief, and she snuggled into his arms. "I love you so much." those words never failed to make his heart leap with joy.

Once Ragnarok began, Heimdall would call out the champions of the Gods, while Y/N would call the Mankind warriors to come over. It was the least she could do, apart from encouraging each of the fighters.

Mankind had a staggering two consecutive losses, and each time, Y/N took the short pause between matches to weep and regain herself. Staying in the ring for the duration of the fight, she used her magical powers to create a strong shield for the audience, so that none of the match-attacks would mistakenly harm anyone watching.

She felt sad yet emboldened seeing Lu Bu's tragic death, but also, his horse and brothers in arms asking for death, to be reunited in Niflheim with their General. She saw Thor smile for the first time in his life, after having fought with all of his mind against an honorable and strong member of mankind. Likewise, her heart shattered watching Adam's conviction is protecting his children from perdition, the very same she wished.

Thankfully, the great Sasaki was able to slash to death none other than Poseidon himself; Though not the most agreeable person, she still felt sad to see him gone forever. Alas. Y/N hugged the old man, thanking him for his resilience and strength before picking him up and bringing him to the infirmary.

The same happened with Jack the Ripper, a man despised by all mankind and humanity for being the scum of the earth. Y/N knew better - She knew all of their lives. In truth, though she disagreed with his actions, she pitied Jack, the poor man. He truly was a pitiable one. Unlike Poseidon, Heracles was wept by all, Gods and humans alike, whilst Jack got ostracised, ridiculed and insulted, even having stones thrown at him, despite already being injured. That angered Y/N.

"How dare you speak ill of the man who put his life on the line for humanity to keep living?! He has no descendants, he has no family - He fought for humanity, though he had nothing to gain out of it! He got the recognition of Heracles himself, and tied the score against the Gods with his shrewdness and wit - And yet you dare talk down to him? I don't see you in here, facing the wrath of the Gods who want you dead!" Buddha felt himself cackling from the stand, watching the Goddess pick up a grown man like he was a bride and actively healing him with love and care like none other before. What a darling she always was.

Unfortunately, Mankind lost the 5th match, with poor Raiden dying against Shiva, the God of Destruction. Still, the only good thing coming out of all the matches was that Y/N could sense the fighting Gods getting genuine admiration for the strength, selflessness and righteousness of humanity, beginning with Thor calling Lu Bu his friend, Zeus acknowledging Adam's strength in protecting his kin, Sasaki defeating Poseidon himself, Heracles loving humanity and Jack himself, and Shiva admiring Raiden's power.

And thus, the sixth match was to take place. The doors opened, and two rows of seven pink water lilies appeared - The familiar silhouette of Buddha appeared. Y/N looked at his unbothered face, blowing up bubblegum, his weapon lazily swung over his shoulder. He was smirking, winking at Y/N mischievously, reveling in the spotlight before he stepped by the Goddess' side and pulled her over into his side as he got to where the human representative was to stand.

He spit his gum in Heimdall's hand, snatching away his Gjallarhorn. "Excuse me. Testing. Testing." he spoke into the horn. "Uhhh... I'm gonna fight for Mankind. Ya dig?" the whole arena was in ecstasy. Numerous comments were thrown around, denigrating Buddha as he shattered the horn in his grasp. "Piss off." he pointed with his weapon towards Zeus. "Y'all made my girl cry. Screw you. If the Gods aren't going to save mankind, then I will. And if any God gets in my way..." he slammed the butt of the weapon into the ground, his expression now serious and devoid of any joy. "I'll kill 'em."

He truly is the kind not to take orders from anyone. Though Heimdall tried to press on that he can't switch sides, Zeus himself approved anyway. "Are you prepared to make enemies with all of the Gods?" "Dang, you're such a pain!" Buddha scoffed at Odin, pulling Y/N even closer to his side. "Remember what I said before? Whether you're allies or enemies, good or evil, Gods or Humans, none of that matters!" Buddha was glowing brightly with intense confidence. "In all universe, nothing else matters, except me!"

Such a narcissistic comment, added to the intense frustration of the Gods, made Y/N burst into laughter along with him. Two weirdos. "So, who am I fighting?"

The Seven Fortunes stepped into the arena and fused into a single deity. Vaisravana was no more, and instead, one called Zerofuku appeared. The Eight Gods of Fortune were actually a single entity. This Zerofuku guy was a real weirdo, even for their standards, and he confessed his intense wish to slaughter Buddha with all of his might, as he created his sinister weapons which got bigger and bigger the more misfortune he encountered.

Though Y/N didn't know of Zerofuku's past, he knew Buddha. He was able to take the misfortune of the humans into his own body, until he couldn't any more, only to receive discontempt and realise that those he tried to help were in no way less misfortunate than before. Material luxury and sinful indulgences did nothing to appease the soul. Instead, Zerofuku had to witness strings of people following Buddha in his path to Enlightenment. He got jealous, unable to understand his teachings - Yet somehow, no matter how cryptic or enigmatic Zerofuku found Buddha's words, the other people - Including those whom he helped previously - Began following the Awakened One close behind.

The more Zero attacked, the bigger his weapon grew, for Buddha could see the flickers of his soul and evade all the hits before they even happened. He was even taunting the God, intentionally or not, driving him into a mad frenzy. The few attacks that Buddha threw all landed with tremendous effect, earning cheers and applause from the audience.

Though he couldn't see Y/N reaction, Buddha was sure she was a worrying mess - That's her caring nature, after all - Yet seeing Zero's weapon growing as large as the whole arena, and him not moving from his spot, well - He feared she might be fainting on the spot, like a poor damsel in distress. Well, he'll just have to sweep her off her feet and protect her like the chevalier of light that he is!

Y/N knew, in theory, that Buddha's weapon transformed in each of the Six Paths identities depending on his emotions, and with his being a master at controlling his moods, he could form anything at will, more or less, so she wasn't all that surprised when the weapon transformed into a Shield to block the huge weapon. Still, she almost wished she could see all of the Paths.

Next, he used the Spiked Club of Nirvana, trembling to charge in an attack - And so he did, sweeping to the ground and causing lethal damage on the demon's side. The demon's weapon turned into two swords, to which Buddha made his weapon turn into a large halbert, easily countering every one of Zero's attacks. His misfortune was increasing, and his weapon turned into a multitude of hooks acting like snakes - He retaliated with a Vajra, running around and cutting them away to bits.

"Love yourself!" Buddha encouraged the poor demon. "I actually like you quite a lot, Zerofuku." that comment made the misfortunate one start sobbing and staring at the graceful God, shining brighter than the golden Sun. Zero's anger subsided and he finally understood who he really is, and what he wants from life. His weapon disappeared, and Buddha also threw his own to the ground, proposing an outright fist-fight. What a child, Y/N giggled, watching that playful smirk on his face as he intentionally allowed the pitiable demon to strike him back. Y/N could never image ever letting herself feel physical hurt just for fun - Alas, men were weird, and Buddha especially, was one of a kind.

Zerofuku was on the ground, sprawled, with all his misfortune and anger seeping out of his in a cloud. His purple hair turned pure white, and his blissful grin, that childlike innocence and glee were sparkling in his eyes. Buddha, also, was happy to have helped another worthy person achieve spiritual happiness - Until the horns on either side of his skull penetrated deep into his brain, worming their way inside his body. Zerofuku was engulfed by two dragons, one blue and one red. Buddha could do nothing to safe his new friend. Instead, he was forced to watch Zero disappearing, and a true evil appearing in his stead.

The Demon King of the Sixth Heaven, Papiyas, was reborn.

Buddha immediately leapt back, afraid for the first time, for there was a creature of pure darkness, whom he couldn't read. He hadn't an inkling of brightness in his soul which he could read. Y/N, like everyone else, was trembling from the sheer malevolence of the demon. Terrifying, Y/N ran in front of Buddha, standing protectively in front of him - She knew, if need be, her defense magic was second to none in Valhalla.

There goes this legend about a terrifying foe from Helheim - Hades told her this story once, dating before he was ruled of the Underworld - That this enemy destroyed half of the realm... Or rather, it was lucky enough that even half of it was left intact, to some degree.

Once Papiyas turned his arm into a weapon, Y/N summoned her polearm into her grasp, parrying the attack. The Gods all gasped - It has been thousands of years since they've seen the Goddess of Peace fight. In truth, it was only during the Titanomachy that she fought - To protect her Peace, one must go to War. It was an irony that she had to accept as a true axioma.

"H-Hey, Y/N, it's not your fight! Two people can't fight for a single side!" she heard Heimdall's shaky voice call out. "To hell with your rules, Heimdall! If this freak doesn't die, we're all screwed!" Y/N growled, struggling to push him back, counter and block all of his strikes that came at the speed of lightning. "If Zeus accepted the intervention of the Valkyries for all the other fights, then for goodness' sake, there's hardly any difference, is there?!" "I SHALL ALLOW IT!" Zeus' amused voice called out from the stands, as Y/N leapt back, just a step in front of Buddha. She was breathing heavily from the effort. "Siddhartha, stand back." her overprotectiveness was taking over her senses. "I will fight with my fullest power." Papiyas glared at the two. "THAT WAS YOU HOLDING BACK?!" Y/N cried out at him. "Gosh... Buddha, come over." quickly, Y/N placed a few flowers in his hair. "This will protect you from harm... I hope." she muttered the last bit, watching as Papiyas was preparing a drill-like strike called the Pandaemonium Cycle. Before she could react, Buddha dragged Y/N behind him, pulling his shield up - But the drill was capable of penetrating through it, gouging his left eye out.

"S...Siddhartha...?!" Y/N started, shuddering in distress at her lover's injury. He protected her, while he got his eye drilled into mush. "Don't worry about me, worry about that monster!" Buddha transformed his weapon into the sword away, engaging in an exchange of slashes that barely left a scar on the demon's neck. Buddha had to make adjustments to his attacks, because of his blindspot. fighting with one eye only as he was gradually being whittled down.

"Judgement." Papiyas smirked, impaling Buddha's foot, urging him to leap back once again. Y/N couldn't believe there were idiot Gods out there, begging for Buddha's death - Idiots. The Demon King pointed out Zerofuku was no more - He ate him - Shocking both Buddha and Y/N. What a monster, they thought, and the Enlightened one was feeling even more angered, enough to curse at him. "I've made up my mind. I'm gonna KILL YOU!" Y/N, nor anyone else, ever saw Buddha's wrath. Hopefully, it will serve him and humanity well. His staff transformed into the Hatred Emotion which created a weapon he's never seen before, the Warscythe of Salakaya, which had a menacing head of a roaring lion on it. "Preposterous." Papiyas spat. "For a piece of trash such as you, to defy a supreme being like me... I will waste no time passing judgement! And nothing could be more pleasant than that!" his laugh roared through the whole arena. "Stick that judgement up your ass, you sick fuck!" the audience gasped with the curse of the Goddess as Buddha attacked first with his blade, before unleashing an infernal fire towards the demon.

Blood spilled to the ground, though Buddha was the most confused of all. He was the one who initiated the attack, and it was his blade that cut away at Papiyas' arm. It was him who was supposed to get impaled by the enemy's weapon - So why the hell was Y/N standing before him like a meat shield, while he was unscathed?! "Y/N...?" his single remaining eye was wide with shock, staring at the blood splattering to the ground, and the soft tremble of her body. "The flower protected you." Y/N smiled weakly. "That is my happiness in life. Caring for those I hold dear to my heart." she giggled softly. "How pathetic. Any last words?" Papiyas grunted menacingly. "The whole world shall freeze over before I allow a pathetic little shit like you hurt my children. You, and all the Gods that oppose us - All who wish for mankind's erasure - I will fucking burn you all to death until there's nothing left of you to commemorate your wretched existence." Y/N smirked, grabbing Papiyas' arm and forcing herself through the weapon, sticking her own blade into his shoulder. That pissed the demon enough to kick her into the God behind her, toppling them to the ground. "Never do that again!" Buddha briefly scolded her. "Sorry, love, but I will do that, for as many times as my body keeps holding me. I am not strong, but I am resilient. It is you who can kill him, not me. If you are alive, we can win this. Together." Buddha got up, glaring angrily at the demon. "You have twice more, Siddhartha. That is my limit. After that, you're on your own. Use my power wisely." Buddha understood the implication well enough without any explanation - If he gets careless again, Y/N will die, protecting him. Similar to the story of the Moon Rabbit, so is she; Whilst the monkey, the fox and the bird gathered fruit, mean and nuts for the traveler to eat, the rabbit, knowing it could only gather some grass, threw itself into the fire for the man to eat him. Moved by the selflessness of the rabbit, the traveler, who was actually Sakra himself, made it so that the fire did not burn the rabbit, and instead, created the moon in its liking, and the fumes that would have burnt it, the fog surrounding it.

Still, Siddhartha did NOT want to see Y/N actually killing herself like that; Though an admirable and selfless act, he did not want to mourn her, the way he did Jataka long ago. He had to win. He MUST win.

"You're weak. Way weaker than Zero." Buddha taunted the Demon King into attacking him, and he parried all of his hits for as long as he could, before getting kicked away again. His continuing of the mocking caused the Demon King such rage, that he managed to find the perfect opening through his attack, impaling him again - Only, it wasn't him, but Y/N, much to Buddha's dismay. "Damn it, Y/N! Damn it, damn it, damn it!" he wanted to destroy the last flower in his hair, but he didn't have the strength. "One last chance, Siddhartha. Don't waste it." Y/N felt so weak as she got thrown away to the other side of the arena, rolling to the ground like a used ragdoll. "Y/N!" she heard her lover called out, afraid for her life - But as long as the flower of life was pulsating energy within him, he was reassured she was still alive and continuing to actively heal him.

Buddha continued his plan of mocking the enemy, causing him uncharacteristic fright, to the point that he tore off his arm to create a mighty weapon.

Buddha attacked again, though surprisingly, the blade of his Scythe got cut off and shattered to the ground. "Seriously...?!" he gasped, not having expected his Divine Treasure to break, of all things. He tried to defend with his staff, but that, too, broke, sending him away. He was sent to the ground, crashing down with such force that he couldn't move. "SIDDHARTHA!" Y/N cried, crawling to his side and holding him in her arms. She tried desperately to heal him, but he was unconscious, thus nothing she could do. As Papiyas was menacingly approaching, Y/N used her weapon to hoist herself up, creating a shield to protect the two until he woke up.

Thankfully, Buddha achieved enlightenment once again, and he got up, holding Zerofuku's old weapon. The crown holding his hair together shattered, and his gorgeous hair was shown for all to see. "Thank you, Y/N, Zero. Let's fight together, yes?" Y/N smiled sweetly, seeing him confident once again. "Yeah. Let's." despite her bloodloss, Y/N smiled, preparing her weapon. "Samavadhana Volundr!" Buddha and Zero together created a Divine Weapon that only Buddha could attaint through sublime enlightenment. A gorgeous and strong weapon, containing the strength and feelings of all the Gods of Fortune.

Ready to fight, Buddha kept up perfectly with the Demon King, parrying all of his attacks as strong as never before - And he was grinning, confident and self assured, even managing to inflict massive damage, at the cost of some minor injuries on himself. Still, he had to finish things fast, before either he or Y/N perish. He managed to slash away perfectly at his chest one again, though it wasn't as deep as he'd have liked. The climax was approaching fast. Y/N stepped by his side, holding his hand to transfer the last bit of energy into him, so he could keep going - At this rate, he'd only get more injuries, so at least he must keep his vitality and strength, for as long as it lasts. The one sided exchange of life that only Y/N could gift to another.

No matter how Papiyas continued to attack, Buddha was so fast and accurate that no more hit grazed him. The last ultimate attack of the Demon King - All thought landed, but instead, it was a clone, crumbling in an array of petals. Y/N grinned impishly, pointing behind him, as Buddha was ready to kill the foe.

Just as he turned, the last thing Papiyas saw was Buddha's Godly form, perfect beyond boundaries existent to Godhood, and the sword of light, love and compassion shined bright through the dark arena, slicing down the Demon King in two or three. different parts. It didn't matter that Papiyas tried to attack again, for Y/N slapped his hand away, watching as Niflheim was crumbling him to dust.

Somewhere in the sky, the light of heaven showed the happy soul of Zerofuku and the other Seven Gods of Fortune, ascending to Nirvana - Together, in friendship. Buddha couldn't contain his tears of glee, as he brought Y/N into his side, holding the sword dearly into his grasp. Everyone was chanting Buddha's name as he reveled in his win. The sword disappeared, but a bird that loved Zero sat on it, weeping for the loss of its benefactor.

Barely able to stand up, Buddha used all of his strength to drag Y/N out of the arena - Somehow, he was rather sure she was in a far worse shape than he was, having taken two direct hits like that. Not only that, but the refreshing feeling of the gentle caress that Y/N's energy felt, healing him, was keeping him very much alive and giddy. "You were so cool, Y/N. I didn't know you could do all that." Y/N smiled enigmatically. "They say true strength can be found when protecting that which is dearest to you. The truth is, Siddhartha, that I love you more than anything else is this world. You make me the happiest I've ever been." "Ha! Hear you, all sappy and sweet! Y'know you're gonna make me melt!" he cackled, pulling her into a gentle kiss, afraid of causing her more pain. "Let's get all better and continue rooting for humanity, yes? We've done all we could. The rest is their burden to bear - And I think they've done a pretty damn good job so far, don't you think?" "Hella." when she lost strength in her legs, Buddha immediately reacted, picking her up and cradling her in his arms like a princess. "If I didn't know better, I'd say you did that intentionally." he teased her, kissing her forehead. "If most of my blood was inside of me, and not out in the arena, it would have been intentional." she smirked back at him just as comically.

After getting the much required medical care, they continued watching the matches from the comfort of their chamber, laying on the comfortable, fluffy bed, cuddled in each other's arms. Y/N had tied his hair up again, and instead of his golden crown, she replaced it with one made of flowers. He, in return, caressed her hair until she relaxed completely, singing softly the Heart Sutra for her, for as long as it took for her to achieve a much needed peace.

All things are empty: Nothing is born, nothing dies, Nothing is pure, nothing is stained, Nothing increases and nothing decreases. So, in emptiness, there is no body, No feeling, no thought, No will, no consciousness.

There are no eyes, no ears, No nose, no tongue, No body, no mind. There is no seeing, no hearing, No smelling, no tasting, No touching, no imagining. There is nothing seen, nor heard, Nor smelled, nor tasted, Nor touched, nor imagined.

#record of ragnarok x reader #record of ragnarok imagine #record of ragnarok #buddha x reader #buddha imagine #buddha #buddha ror #ror buddha #record of ragnarok buddha #buddha record of ragnarok #buddha ror x reader #buddha ror imagine #siddhartha gautama #ror #ror x reader #ror imagine

[greenorangevioletgrass]

give me a minute (2/2) | chef luca

pairing: chef luca x ex-wife!reader word count: 6.6k warnings: established former relationship, discussions of separation and divorce, discussions of moving on, luca and reader has a son, brief mention of blood and minor injury, smut 18+ (fingering, oral (f receiving), unprotected sex, size kink? idk luca's big, dirty talk, creampie) notes: it's finally here! thank you everyone for your patience, i am a slow writer by nature and life gets in the way, but i finally got around to finish it! happy reading, and do comment, reblog, and send me asks to tell me what you think <;3 ✨follow @ficsbygreenorangevioletgrass and turn on the notifications to get alerted for my latest fics ✨

<<< read part 1 here >>>

06.13 PM

Your apartment has never felt so claustrophobic after that little moment you shared with Luca. You try to stay busy in the next hour —tidying up Alfie’s room even after he made it up, checking your email four times, even doing the laundry, for fuck’s sake— as Luca keeps to himself in the kitchen area. Whether Alfie is obliviously enjoying his screen time or purposely ignoring the weird tension between his parents, you’re not entirely sure. Right now, you’re just grateful that he’s not saying anything at the moment.

The boy simply creeps up to the kitchen counter with a shy eagerness about him. “How long ‘til dinner, Dad?”

“3 more minutes, Chef,” Luca answers, focused on the task at hand, so poker-faced that it makes his son giggle.

“I’m not a chef, you’re a chef!”

“Well, where I work, we call everyone in the kitchen ‘chef.’ Out of respect.”

Alfie climbs onto the dining bench in interest, peering up to watch his father set the dish on the plates meticulously. Luca doesn’t miss how the boy deeply inhales the delicious smell in the air.

“Smells yummy.”

“Thank you,” Luca replies, his excitement seems muted although his heart is soaring. He looks up to find Alfie staring at the plate, chin propped up on his little fist. You’ve always said that he looks just like his dad, but in that moment, Luca only sees you. Alfie has the way your mouth tugs ever so slightly into a smile, the way your eyes shine in childlike wonder. In quiet thoughtfulness.

No Michelin star, earned or retained, would ever amount to this.

“Can you go get your mum and tell her dinner’s ready, please?” He softly asks Alfie, as if not wanting to disrupt this peaceful silence. “Thank you, Chef.”

“Yes, chef.” The six-year-old salutes him and pads over to your home office, which doubles as the guest bedroom. The door is open, and he sees you reorganizing the linen closet with your back to him. He hugs you from behind, startling you.

“Oh!” You put your hand on his head, stroking him lightly. “Hey, bub.”

“Daddy told me to come get you and say dinner’s ready.”

“Gotcha. Thank you.” You half-expect him to run off like he usually does, but he lingers, his arms still wrapped around you. “What’s up, bubbie?”

“Nothing.” He buries his face against your side. “Love you, Mommy.”

“I love you too, bubbie.” This makes you smile, pleasantly surprised at this seemingly random admission.

“Love Daddy too, but don’t tell him that,” he whispers as he looks up at you, putting his forefinger in front of his mouth.

“Why not?”

“Sometimes he gets sad when I say that,” he murmurs. “He doesn’t tell me, but I know it.”

Oh. His playful exterior sometimes makes you forget just how emotionally sensitive he is. And it breaks your heart that he can see through the complicated adult emotions with his childlike eyes. 

“Alfie…” you level with him and pull him closer, “Your dad loves you very very much, and I’m sure he’d be happy to hear you say that. He’s just sad because… he’s been away, and he misses you a lot.”

“He should come home, then.”

It’s so simple, the way Alfie puts it. His Dad comes home and reunites with him and you, and his puzzle would piece together perfectly again. And you all live happily ever after. The end.

The truth, of course, is not so simple. But maybe, just for tonight… Maybe you and Luca can sacrifice a few of your own puzzle pieces. For your baby boy.

So you get back on your feet and guide your son out of the room. “Come on, bub. Let’s see what Daddy cooked for us, hm?”

When you and Alfie turn the corner into the kitchen-living area, Luca is wiping the side of the plate neatly. He smiles at you somewhat nervously, like he’s not sure what to do with himself, so you throw him the figurative olive branch.

“Smells amazing,” you compliment him as you and Alfie take your seats. “What are we having, Chef?”

Luca’s eyes light up and your heart stops. You stopped calling him ‘Chef’ long ago, when the moniker became synonymous with workaholism and neglect. But there’s no venom in the way you say it tonight. Call him sentimental, but it reminds him of the early summer days in the tiny apartment you first shared in Chicago.

Of blueberry pies and barely there bumps.

He has to remind himself that this whole ‘happy family’ shtick is just a charade now, it’s all for Alfie, it doesn’t mean anything for the two of us, but he can’t help but miss this.

And little does he know, so do you.

“Well, buckle up, you guys, because we are having…” He carries the plates over and serves it to you and Alfie with a flourish, “Baked sweet potato wedges with Mediterranean dip, and our pièce-de-résistance… Alfie’s Nuggies.”

It looks nothing short of beautiful, with the wedges fanned out like autumn leaves underneath a colorful burst of cherry tomatoes, cucumbers, olives, and feta cheese. The chicken nuggets are rich golden brown against the brilliant white plate. The splatters of sauce (is that Tahini?) is a hint of thoughtful chaos on the dish.

Your six-year-old let out a little noise of awe and amazement next to you, but no sound escapes you—not for the longest time.

“This is…” you look up at Luca as if he would have the word you’re looking for.

But his blue eyes just look a lot like I love you.

“Thank you,” you ultimately say, with absolutely no pretense whatsoever.

And if he does hear an ‘I love you’ hidden somewhere in there… he hopes he’s not imagining things.

*** 

08:37 PM

If you could travel just a few hours back in time and tell yourself that you would spend the whole day stuck at home in a nasty storm with your son and his father that you’re divorcing—and that you’d be okay with it, you would’ve probably scheduled yourself an MRI scan because clearly something is wrong.

But the night is winding down. Luca is tucking Alfie into bed for the first time in months. You are washing dishes in the quiet accompaniment of steady rain and running water, and everything feels just right.

“He’s out like a light,” Luca informs you quietly as he reemerges from Alfie’s bedroom and stops right by the kitchen counter. “Need a hand?”

“Nah, I’m just about done,” you casually wave him off. “You want anything to drink?”

“Uh… what do you got?”

“Scotch, gin…” you pause, not wanting him to get the wrong idea. The sink tap squeaks a little as you shut it off. “...wine.”

His heart skips. Don’t overthink it, he reminds himself. “Red or white?”

“Take your pick,” you shrug nonchalantly. 

Luca reaches up to see the bottles of wine you have in store, and you try not to pay too much attention as his shirt rides up around the waist—or the sleeve, showing off the remnants of Alfie’s crayon work over his inks… you’re just two co-parents hanging out. It’s normal, right?

“What about the Malbec?” he eventually chooses, taking out the bottle.

He’s always loved Malbec—this particular brand of Malbec you brought him when he first invited you for dinner on your third date.

Don’t overthink it, you remind yourself. “Yeah, sure.”

You pick up two wine glasses and set them down on the dining table, shuffling into the corner bench. Luca settles into the other bench, directly against the kitchen counter, pouring the wine onto both glasses.

“How many bedtime stories did Alfie manage to get out of you?” you pipe up, swirling the purplish liquid around.

“Just one…” he sips on his wine thoughtfully. “Although he made me read it three times.”

You smile, bemused. “Which one was it?”

“‘The Bear Who Did.’”

“Ah, yeah. He’s been into that one lately,” you muse. “But… for what it’s worth, I’m glad he asked you to tuck him in tonight.”

The two of you exchange a soft look. A ceasefire. A truce, at least when it comes to your son. Because you really do want Luca to have a good relationship with Alfie.

“Me too.”

“And I’m sorry you had to… make do with spending the day with Alfie here.”

He shakes his head softly. “Nah, don’t be. I had a good time. It’s nice to just hang out… at home.”

At home, the words echo in your head.

With you, they echo in his, loud and unsaid.

“So, uh… how have you been?”

“Ah, you know how it is. Work is kicking my ass—my current client’s only two blocks away, but the house is a total fixer-upper, and Alfie’s… Alfie.” You don’t want to backtalk your own son, although you both know how trying he can be sometimes. “But it’s all good. My mom helps out with Alfie, and Jess insists that I go out and live a little every now and again.”

“And do you? Live a little?”

“I mean, within reason. I can’t go clubbing ‘til 4am anymore. I think I’m getting old…” you stretch your arms, feeling that soreness just from your daily activities.

Luca grins, raising his glass. “I hear you. I don’t even really go out anymore.”

“Seriously?” 

“Mm-hm.”

You make an incredulous face. It would make sense for you not to go out much, with Alfie and everything. But he was alone, abroad… “Why, though?”

He just shrugs lightly. “I’m working. Whenever I’m off, I mostly just… eat or sleep.”

“I somehow find that hard to believe.” You take a dubious sip. You both know how much Luca enjoys grabbing a cheeky pint. He’s British; it’s in his blood, goddammit.

“Oh come on…”

“You don’t even go out drinking or whatever? Meet people?”

His gaze flashes towards you almost playfully. “Do you?”

Your face falls, not expecting to be caught so off-guard with such an innocent question. And upon seeing that, his face falls. Shit. And with that, the air between you shifts so dramatically.

Stupidly, you still try to save the conversation. “Of course my friends and I go out—”

“You know that’s not what I meant.” His voice darkens, his blue eyes piercing through you. 

This conversation is a long time coming. It’s a natural progression of your relationship—or the lack thereof. You separate, you get divorced, and eventually you move on. Two years is a more than acceptable time to start dating again. And still, you phrase out your next words very carefully.

“I’ve been on dates here and there…”

Luca sucks in a slow, calculated breath. “Does Alfie know?”

You shake your head. “It’s nothing serious so far.”

He’s not sure what’s worse, the fact that it’s nothing serious, or that you’re holding out for something serious in the future.

“Look, we both know this is happening sooner or later…”

“I know,” he quickly recovers—or as much as he can recover. He just stares down the stem of his glass.  “It just… It’s a lot to take in, that’s all.”

“I understand.” The wine feels like gravel down your throat, and the words coming out of your mouth feel like throwing up a boulder.

“Because I do miss you.”

Your eyes immediately dart over to his, as if you’re not sure you heard it right. “Luca…”

“I miss you everyday. I miss us. I miss everything we used to have.”

Your heart catches—no, stops altogether at his admission. “Luca, we can’t do this anymo—”

He swallows thickly, his jaw setting as he braces himself. “I’ve been thinking about it everyday—the whole time I’m away, and frankly, I’m kicking myself over not telling you this sooner.”

“That’s probably just the homesickness talking.” You turn away. This can’t be possible. This can’t be happening. What the fuck?! “It got you reminiscing about the good old days. Give it time, you’ll come around.” You try to maintain a neutral, distant, cold approach to this, although the crack in your voice betrays you.

“No. That’s not it.”

“Then what the fuck is it?”

Your words cut through the quiet apartment like a flash bang. Luca stops dead in his tracks in his shock, and honestly, so do you. Awful silence hushes over the room, and both of you are almost too afraid to break it. Neither of you even dare to move.

After what seems like forever, Luca moves first. A tear escapes his eye, and he wipes it away with his knuckle hurriedly. “Noma should’ve been a dream. And it is, in a way. I guess.” He stares blankly ahead, his life in Copenhagen replaying in his head like it’s on fast-forward, and the playback seems to just highlight how lonely he is there. “But that doesn’t change the fact that I’m utterly miserable there. I get up and go to work and I just feel empty. Because what’s the point? You and Alfie are way over here, being a family while I’m… doing what?” He wants to tear his hair out, because this is everything he’s dreamed of, and yet he is living the stuff of nightmares. “It makes no fucking sense.”

It makes even less sense to you. You can’t even begin to process this tangled mess in your head. “Luca… we are almost officially divorced. You’re telling me this now? When everything is—”

“I thought I was doing what was best for you. I thought I should just… let you cut your losses and—”

“The best for me? How the fuck did you think giving up was the best way forward for me?” The thought of it burns your eyes with angry tears. They melt, and you don’t do a thing to stop it from running down your face. “You didn’t think to fight for us while you still could?”

Luca’s heart aches to see that. He is dying to reach out and wipe them away, but he can’t. His voice is quiet and small and almost childlike. “I tried. You were just so… sure about the divorce. You had it all figured out. And I… I thought you had no room for me anymore.”

“I had to keep it together. I had to figure it out—for Alfie’s sake. For mine.” You stare at your little potted sunflower on the windowsill. “I don’t see the point in being vulnerable with you anymore when you’re already set on leaving.”

The words have run out. The whirlwind of emotions has passed. What he feels and what he wants is now very clear.

“I shouldn’t have left.”

“Maybe you shouldn’t have.” You wished he didn’t. Everyday for the last two years. And everyday you set yourself up for disappointment because, the truth of the matter is, he did leave. So you stop wishing. “Because I don’t know how to come back from this. I really don’t.”

Nothing that comes out of your mouth is unexpected. But it doesn’t hurt any less to hear it from the horse’s mouth. “It’s just… seeing you guys today… We were a family again. And I would do anything for us to be a family again. Please.”

You sigh heavily. “What else is there to do, Luca…?”

“We can, I don’t know, figure something out, go to couples counseling—”

You groan in frustration, Jesus Christ not this again, wanting to tear your hair out when— CRASH! You accidentally knock over your wine glass and it shatters as it hits the floor. “Shit…”

“Mommy?” Alfie calls you from inside his room, sleepy but alert.

The two of you freeze just before you can move out of your seat. Afraid the slightest of noises would rattle your son.

“Yes, bubbie?” you try to sound bright and normal. Maybe if you can convince him that everything’s fine, he won’t come running in panic. 

“What was that?”

“I just knocked over a glass, kiddo, everything’s okay. Go back to sleep.”

You and Luca wait a few seconds with bated breath. One, two, three… ten seconds go by, and there’s no movement in the bedroom.

The coast is clear.

You scramble down to pick up the shards of glass. The spilled wine looks like blood in the dim light of the room. It’s a painful reminder of the broken pieces of your former life, the casualties. He quickly follows suit, as if struggling to put it all back together. The irony is not lost on either of you, you’re sure of that.

“It’s fine, Luca. I got it, I—” a sharp piece of glass accidentally cuts your palm as you pick it up in hurry. “Fuck!”

“You okay?” He takes your hand as quick as lightning, wanting to inspect the wound, but you snatch it away.

“I’m fine.” You get up on your feet, teetering over to the sink, away from the crime scene, careful not to step on any piece of glass.

Yet he still follows you, walking over to where you’re standing now. “Come on. Let me just take a look.” He reaches out to your wrist, running little circles with his thumb to ease your grasp.

“It’s not a big deal…” you let him look anyway, you figure it’s easier to just let him do his thing than to argue your way out of it. 

His calluses are brittle against your palm, but he handles you with the gentlest touch. The wound is not too big or too deep, but the sight of blood marring your palm makes his heart drop. There’s no visible piece stuck to it, that’s a good sign, he thinks. He rips off some paper towel and wets it on the sink, and softly dab at the gash, cleaning the wound and wiping the blood off.

You grit your teeth, not wanting to show any sign of pain although it stings. “It’s just a little cut…” your tone bears less and less conviction, as if you have no energy left to argue with him on such a small matter.

There’s a very particular way his eyebrows arch when he’s deep in thought. The left one always sits slightly higher than the right. Blue eyes fixed on the object of his focus. A minute gesture behind the chaos in his head. “You need a Band-Aid,” he points out. 

“It’s in the—”

Luca is already opening the drawer next to the stove, taking out a packet of a Star Wars-themed Band-Aid. He still remembers where everything is, and you can’t tell whether the ache in your chest is a good or bad thing.

He puts the Band-Aid on your cut, then takes your hand close to kiss it better, like he used to do.

“Um.” You freeze in your tracks, taken aback. And it seems he’s just as equally as taken aback by his own action. He is flushed with embarrassment, and you feel your face growing hot as well.

He’s the first to break the awkward silence, quiet and tentative. “I’ll clean up the mess. You just hang tight.”

It seems so mundane, sweeping broken glass and cleaning the floor. His body registers it as a simple muscle memory—he must’ve cleaned up messes on this very spot a million times. But his heart is heavy with the burden of your history, and all the pain that comes with your separation. He might not be able to put the pieces back together, but maybe he can clean up the mess and make it nice again for you.

And all the while, you’re stuck to the kitchen counter, watching him so effortlessly reacquainted with his former home. It’s as if he never left. For a confusing moment, it feels like home again. How did you manage without this view, this presence for so long?

Luca puts away the debris in the trash, hidden away in another kitchen drawer next to you, and hovers in front of you, as if wanting to reach out and touch you… but too afraid you’ll push him away.

“Does it still hurt?”

You can’t tear your eyes off of his. The little cut on your hand is but a dull ache now, but the insides of your chest feels like it’s been mangled beyond repair. You burst into tears, sobs ripping through the seams.

His arms wrap around you, keeping your tattered pieces together. Your face is buried in his chest, surrounded by soft cotton and earthy perfume, and your first thought is you can’t remember the last time you were in his arms like this. You rake your mind through all the memories, all the times you hugged each other hello and goodbye and all the times in between, and you can’t remember the last time you stopped, why would you stop—

“My love…” Luca’s voice soothes you, so quietly murmured against your forehead with a soft kiss, yet rings so clear in your ears. He cups your face with both hands, wiping the tears away with his thumbs. “It’s okay... I got you.”

The palm of his hand grazes your lips, and you kiss it the way he kisses your Band-Aid earlier. You have no energy left to fight whatever is going on inside you. You don’t understand the nagging urge to be away from him, when being close to him feels this good. You miss his touch and his voice and his face, and you’re so overwhelmed with longing that you close the distance between your lips and his.

Luca gasps when you kiss him—and it feels like the first breath he’s drawn in two years. Your lips are just as he remembers, just as warm and inviting and familiar, and he relishes coming home to them tonight. He didn’t think he would be so lucky ever again, but now you’re here, kissing life back into him again.

Against your better judgment, you stumble into the bedroom, careful to make as little sound as possible as you tread down the hallway. Still tangled in each other. Refusing to let go even for a second. His five o’clock shadow scratches your skin, following the trail of his lips down your neck.

You push him into bed and climb on top of him without a single thought. You need him close, closer than the past two years, closer than now, and your clothes feel like they’re in the way. Of his hands, of his mouth, of his warmth…

You tear your dress off and throw it away, and he stops in his tracks. He has every part of you memorized, every curve and every ridge, every notch of your stretch marks, every inch of your C-section scar from Alfie’s birth… and yet he’s looking at you for the first time all over again.

“Beautiful…” it escapes his mouth just like that, and you kiss him senseless in return. You worry that if you stop, the moment will pass and this whole thing turns out to be just an illusion.

Or worse, a mistake.

You tug his t-shirt over his head, trying not to linger on his broad chest too long. He gets the idea—he is dying to say something, but doesn’t—and just unclasps your bra in response. He keeps his mouth busy by kissing and licking and sucking your newly exposed breasts.

It’s not that you haven’t been touched like this in a while; it’s just that you haven’t been touched by him like this for so long.. “Luca…”

He never thought he’d hear that again. His name in a wanton sigh, uttered by the lost love of his life. He’s not one to waste his chance. “It’s okay. I got you, my love. I got you.”

Because for the first time in a long time, it’s true. He’s got you. He’s got your body underneath him, your nipple in his mouth, your sweet sex in his hand.

God.

You’re so soft, so warm, so wet against his fingers. The little stuttered moan you let out sounds absolutely heavenly. He remembers exactly the last time he was here.

Christmas Eve, two years ago. 

Things had been tense long before that, but Luca was home and able to spend some time with his wife and kid at last. You didn’t seem all that chuffed having him around—whether he was here or not brought out that “neutral look of displeasure” from you these days— but at least you didn’t pull away when he rested his head on your shoulder as the three of you watched Jurassic Park (Alfie’s all-time favorite). Didn’t roll your eyes and turn away when he kissed you and wished you happy Christmas before bed.

And he wanted so desperately for you to openly want him again.

So he tentatively deepened the kiss and reiterated his love for you in every inch of your body that he could get his hands on. Trying to convince you that he was still here. Trying to convince himself that with every orgasm he pried out of you, that you still wanted him there.

But you just… laid there and watched. Hands locked in on the sheets, not even touching him. Motionless as he went through the motions of his thrusts. Numb as he touched and kissed and fucked you the way you used to like. He was fighting a losing battle. He might as well have been making love to a ghost. 

“Luca…” Your breathless voice snaps him out of his own intrusive thoughts, more clear and alive and real than any memory of you posing no desire for him.

“I— yeah, sorry. I just…” he shakes off his own thoughts.

“Hurry up, come on…” you needily thrust yourself into his hand.

“You sure?”

No, and neither does he. But at this point, you’re much too stubborn about your decision in the divorce and much too prideful to admit that you want him back and maybe just a tad too eager to make a mistake with him.

So you nod your head yes, and with a searing kiss, he fingerfucks you the way you needed him to. 

“Oh, God… fuck…” you sigh under the undoing of his fingers. It’s like he never forgot how to work your body. His fingers play a pattern on your clit that makes you sing. And when one slides into you, crooking and curling against your silky heat…

“Luca, I— now.”

He unlatches his mouth from your nipple almost begrudgingly, as if too sweet to part with you. “Not yet, baby. We can’t…”

“What, why?”

“Because…” he nips at the smooth flesh of your chest thoughtfully. How can he explain it to you in a way that makes sense? “I want…” to take as much time with you as possible, he adds another finger inside you deliciously slow. “I need…” to feel you in every way first, he chants in his head as he kisses you through your orgasm.

Your resolve is slipping, but the craving is as ravenous as ever. You try to squirm in protest anyway. “But…”

“Please.” His lips press against your forehead, eyes squeezed shut. “I got you, okay?”

His blue eyes meet yours, as familiar as the sky you’ve walked under your whole life. As sure as day. And before you realize it, you find yourself nodding along.

Watching him slither further down your body. Mouth paving the way between the valleys of your breasts, up the diamond-hard tops of your nipples.

Down your torso.

Between your nether lips.

You don’t remember the last time you did this either. Memories of attempts to rekindle the romance flash before your eyes. The nights that he climbed into bed late at night after work, still smelling like chocolate or mint or whatever ingredient he was working with that day. Waking you up with the parting of your legs and hushed kisses saying, “Missed you so much, baby…”

“Right there. Yes…” you pant as he laps you up where you’re dripping, catching every drop and coaxing more at the same time.

His eyes close, and he swallows back a needy groan. “Come for me, baby.”

The words shoot right into your core, and you’re suddenly overcome with the waves of pleasure running through you, grinding your hips into his mouth shamelessly. Has he always been so greedy in the way he ate you out?

Your head is spinning with need and you hope the broken words you string up are comprehensible enough for him. “Luca, come on, I can’t—”

“No, please—” he seems to understand just fine, but still he shakes his head and buries his face deeper into you.

“Luca…”

“Wait, just let me—”

So insistent. So stubborn. So… needy. You grasp a fistful of hair on the back of his head. Both heaving, you breathe out,

“Please.” 

The word stops him in his tracks. But it’s not so much the word as it is the gravity that comes with it. Whatever the two of you are doing, whatever you’re feeling is beyond words at this point.

It’s just you and him and this need.

And as much as he wants—needs— to satisfy his hunger, there’s just no way of stopping you anymore. Truth be told, he’s not even sure why he’s been stalling you in the first place. Not when you’re so eager to tug his clothes off and touch him absolutely everywhere. To stroke him, and taste him…

“No, baby.” He stops you just before you slither down his body, settling you back on the bed and caging you underneath him.

You throw him a look, indignant. If he’s gonna hold it off some more, you swear to God—

“No, I…” he kisses you hard, hoping you’ll get that he wants you too. More than anything. And that he’ll give you what you want. Hell, he would give you anything if he could come back to this again for the rest of his life. “Just trust me, okay?”

You marvel at the sight before you. So tall and broad and sturdy. With dark blond locks tousled in passion and eyes lidded from lust and longing, and it makes your heart stop because… there it is.

Love.

As much as you shut it out and as much as you avoid it, love is permanently etched to his actions. Tattooed onto the smallest of things. In the way he kisses your temple softly, and the way he caresses your skin as he aligns himself against you, and the way he holds you as he pushes in…

“Luca…” you gasp sharply.

He stops halfway into you, his eyes searching your face with compassion. “You okay?”

You’re aching and craving the stretch of him all at once, but you wouldn’t have it any other way, so you ultimately nod your head. I’m okay. 

And he knows that deep down. He feels the same. Soothed and tormented by your very presence, although he can’t help but ask, “Do you want me to stop?” Please don’t ask me to stop…

You shake your head quickly. Neither of you would ever dream of it. You would take everything—the weight and the sting of it all— and he would leave everything behind just to have this again.

Your hips colliding again in a frenzy of a rhythm you haven’t played in so long—still remembering every beat like it’s your own pulse. Your walls gripping him like you wouldn’t let him go.

He shudders a little. “I’m gonna come if you keep doing that…”

“I don’t care,” you murmur into his neck with a kiss, “Come.”

“What…?” He can’t have heard that right… right?

“I want you to.”

“Jesus…” he breathes out. “I wanna make this last, baby—”

You shake your head again and wrap your legs around him almost demandingly. “I want you to come inside me and fill me the fuck up… want you dripping down my legs… please…”

“Fuck!” The images flash before his eyes faster than he can stop his hands from grabbing you by the hips, slamming himself into you. 

Nor can he stop himself from coming deep inside you.

There’s no way to describe the way he feels at that moment. The way tension peaks and snaps into release. How it brings you into your climax as well. Your lips must be swollen from the assault of your own teeth as you hold back the filthy noises coming out of you. You don’t mind the building ache in your thigh muscles, because as soon as that warmth fills you up, your body is overcome by waves of bliss.

“Fuck…” he flops back onto his side of the bed—the right side—and quickly gathers you in his chest. It’s an effortless little maneuver, making sense at last as you lay half on top of him.

Your hand finds his—more puzzle pieces coming together as he fills the spaces between your fingers. You bring it to your lips, pressing a kiss to his knuckles. Surprised to find the gold wedding band still adorning his ring finger.

***

9:56 PM

“Was that really your first time since we… you know?” Your murmured question rings loud in the absence of the rain. The storm has finally passed, but neither of you move—neither even dare to bring it up— afraid to ruin the moment. 

“It was.”

“Not even in a casual, ‘no strings attached’ kind of situation?”

“No.” He looks almost embarrassed to admit it, but there is no hesitation in his answer.

“Wow…” your heart sinks. Is it possible to feel good and bad at the same time?

Luca pauses for a moment. You can see the conflict brewing in his head. “Did you?”

You don’t have to answer. The sheer silence you take is an answer enough.

The confirmation feels like shit, but he tries to stay neutral. His thumb stills on the back of your hand. “Can I ask how many?”

“Gosh, does that even matter?” You sigh. There’s another argument coming—you can feel it.

“No, I just… I wanna know.”

“You don’t really wanna know.”

“Is it a lot?”

“I mean…”

“How many?” 

You take in a sharp breath. There’s no way out of this now. If the truth is what he wants, then the truth is what he shall get. “Twelve.”

He tenses up next to you. The whole world stops, and you can’t help but think, it’s over. There is no way this marriage is salvageable now. “What…?”

“I know that it’s a big number, and I know you might be upset—”

“That is a big number.” He doesn’t say anything about the latter part of her sentence, but it’s obvious that he’s upset, too. “I just… why?”

“I was trying to get over you.” It’s a pathetic answer, but that’s all it is to it. “I couldn’t sleep in this bed for months. I just couldn’t. Slept on the guest bed instead,” you motion at the next room, “and then one day, I couldn’t take it anymore. It’s like a switch flipped inside my brain, and I needed to—”

“What?”

“I needed to… overwrite the memories of you,” you admit feebly. “On this bed. On my body.”

Knife, meet heart. He’s not sure what answer he was expecting, but whatever it was, this hurts so much more. “And did it work?”

“Up to a point…” you pause, a sad smile in realization. “It’s funny. I keep getting bits and pieces of you somehow.”

“What do you mean?”

You close your eyes, your memories flashing, reminding you that every single time reminds you of Luca one way or another. “It’s… somebody’s perfume, or the timbre of their voice, or the way they hold my hand…”

“And you see me in them?” 

“Every single one.”

“Jesus…” Luca finds himself relieved and choked up at the same time. He doesn’t want you to ever get rid of your memories of him, but at the same time, it’s painful to hear that you tried anyway.

And you tried very hard.

“I’m sorry.”

He hums, and you realize… he hasn’t let go of your hand. Not once. Not even after your little confession. It makes the argument easier, knowing he’s there. It’ll be easier to part with him again after tonight, you hope, knowing you both did your best to understand. Why you needed to be apart. Why you did the things you did.

The armor has been shed, and the two of you are now naked, in every sense of the word.

Luca turns to look at you, studying your profile. He remembers the last time he was here.

He had just told you about Denmark. Stupid of him to feel excited, to tell you he’d just been offered his dream job, to ask you and Alfie to move someplace new with him, because it turned into a fight.

Worse than a fight; it was a death sentence.

You turned away and stared at the ceiling, and told him you couldn’t do this anymore.

And in some fucked up way, Luca feels as if he’d been brought back in time, and this is his one chance to make it right. So he asks you,

“Do you still love me?” 

You breathe out, heart clenching because in spite of yourself, “I do.”

“Do you want us to try again?”

“Luca…” you sigh heavily, “How would that even work? Alfie and I are here, and you have Noma–”

“No more Noma. I’m giving that up.” The answer is straightforward, and he surprises himself over how easily it rolls off of his tongue. How right.

“What? You wouldn’t…” Your face falls as you turn to him.

“I would. And I am,” he says firmly. “Look, I’ve thought about this for months now. I can’t do Noma anymore, I need to be home.” His gaze softens, and you feel the pattern running on the back of your hand again.

Slow and steady and certain.

The tear rolls off the corner of your eye and onto the pillow with the tiniest drop. “I wanted you to come home…”

“Then let me come home. Please?”

“I want to. I just…” you reach out and cup his face tentatively. “I just want to make sure that we’re not doing anything rash.”

His eyes light up. The only thing that matters is that you want him home, too. It takes him everything to let his logical part of the brain take control. “How about this, then?” Luca pauses thoughtfully. “We’ll take a minute. For me to sort out everything at Noma, find a replacement… and for us to figure out if this is really what we wanna do.

“If it starts to feel like a bad idea, maybe we should rethink it. But if it feels good… maybe we can give it another shot.

“And in the meantime, we’ll talk. We’ll FaceTime and… figure out what the hell to say to our lawyers.”

That makes you grimace. You were supposed to have another meeting with your divorce lawyers. Tomorrow is going to be awkward. But awkward beats saying goodbye to the man you’ve always loved, right? It’s a small price to pay.

“What do you say, baby?” He looks at you with all the hope that he has. “Just give me a minute to get everything sorted and then I’ll come home.”

You smile tearfully. “A minute is not enough… how about a month, hm?”

“Yeah, that makes more sense, actually.” He chuckles sheepishly. “A month. I can do that.”

“Good.” You sidle up to him and kiss him where his heart is. You’re willing to settle for having him just for the night, but you can’t wait until he comes home to you for good.

You hope he will.

#will poulter #chef luca #luca the bear #the bear fx #chef luca x reader #luca x reader #chef luca x ex-wife!reader #chef luca fic #chef luca smut #will poulter fic #will poulter smut #ava writes

[joekeeryswife]

Deadbeat dad - e.m

hello angels! i hope you’re all okay. i am not after writing this, i’m legit in floods of tears. it is a sad dad/rockstar!eddie. i am legit heartbroken at this omfg. anyway, enjoy reading🩷 eddie’s part two x steve’s part two x

taglist (add yourselves 🩷) @eddieamoremio @theshireisonfire @thankingjoe @livsters @sadbitchfangirl @hellfire1986baby @ladyapplejackdnd @alexxavicry @juleshadalittlelamb @hollandweather @lovurry @bibieddiesgf @plk-18 @Heyyimmissunderstood @m-rae23 @sheisjoeschateau @hargrovesswifee @shiftingmack @chxrrysprxut @Idkjoequinn (if there’s a line through your @ i can’t tag you, lmk if you’ve changed your name🩷)

"i can't make it today, i'm really really busy" you sighed, rubbing your forehead with your free hand as you held the phone to your ear with your other. "this can't keep happening Eddie, she has been wanting to see you for weeks now" this was the third time this month Eddie had cancelled.

your sweet girl Penny had been ecstatic when Eddie spoke to her last week to say that he would be here this weekend and he wasn't. "well i'm sorry y/n but i have things to do. this band is really important to me" you weren't shocked. Eddie had always put the band before his family, that was why you and Eddie split up.

"she's your daughter, she can't fit her life around you anymore. she should be more important then that stupid band you have" you could hear Penny's footsteps upstairs meaning she was now awake. "you know what fuck you. i'm busy all the time and i've only cancelled once, get over yourself" you scoffed, not wanting to argue over the phone you asked one simple question.

"are you going to be here for her birthday next Saturday?" you just hoped for once that he would put his daughter first, she loved him but he just left her hanging all the time. "yes y/n i'll be there. what time" he sounded uninterested, like he didn't really care for the party but it was important to her that he was there.

you felt a little glimmer of hope that maybe he would change and make an effort for one day "be here by three, let me know before if you can't come because i'll have to tell her-" he cut you off "i got it bye" with that he ended the phone slamming it down harshly. you put the phone down and heard Penny quickly approaching the living room.

"mama i need to get ready for daddy" you looked at her with a sympathetic smile. her curls were all over the place but she looked so adorable, holding the small bear she had gotten for her first birthday. you opened your arms for her and she climbed into your lap allowing you to wrap your arms around her, you kissed her forehead a couple of times and sighed.

"daddy can't make it today sweetheart" you felt her shoulders drop. "but why?" her voice was quiet and filled with sadness making your heart break. you brushed her curls out of her face and stroked her cheek "i don't know baby". you saw her cuddle her teddy bear closer and felt her sigh deeply.

"it's okay mama we can do something together right?" she looked up at you as you looked down at her. her eyes were exactly like her dads, it was like looking at a mini Eddie was staring up at you. she only got a few features from you but she was beautiful, the prettiest little girl.

you smiled and nodded your hand running through her hair "of course we can, you pick" she smiled at you and thought about what she would like to do that day and you just prayed that Eddie made it to her party. it was one day, would he really miss his daughters birthday?

-

"is daddy coming today mama?" you heard Penny say as you set up the snack table in your spacious living room ready for the party which was in a few hours. you turned to look at her, she was dressed in a white dress with her curls laying perfectly in a ponytail. "i think so honey, he told me he was coming so i don't see why not"

today was the day you would see if Eddie would show up for his daughter. one day that was so special to her and you were still hoping that he would show up and surprise you all. Steve and Robin had come over to help with everything around the house and you were so grateful to have friends like them, who were willing to take the time to come to your house and help you.

"come on birthday girl, why don't we go upstairs and play with your toys" Robin said as she left you to finish up the snack table. once you heard her bedroom door close you sighed, you knew the chances were very slim that Eddie would show up and you just hoped that he would prove you wrong.

Steve was on a step ladder hanging up a huge banner when he turned to look at you, being careful he wouldn't fall off. "do you think he will turn up?" everyone who knew the situation with you and Eddie knew it was very unlikely that he would turn up.

"i don't think so but i can't say that to her today, i'm just hoping that he does. not for me but for her she deserves it" it had been three years since you and Eddie split up and he had seen Penny maybe 20 times. it went from him seeing her every time he came back here from work to him not making the effort in showing up for her.

"he is being stupid. if he doesn't show up he it's unforgivable. i'll punch him if you need me too" you laughed loudly. it was well known that Steve was not a good fighter but you appreciated the thought. "with your track record i think we should leave the fighting" you smiled at him and looked up at the clock on the wall.

three o'clock had been and gone meaning the party would start soon. "i think Wayne has taken the day off to see her though so that's nice. all her friends are coming so if he doesn't she might be distracted enough to not notice" Steve felt sad for you but especially Penny.

he knew what it was like to have parents that didn't care, didn't bother showing up and he was happy that Penny had you. you always went above and beyond for her and he always admired it. you heard the doorbell ring making you smooth out your dress "it looks perfect okay? i'll go get Penny you open the door" Steve stepped down from the ladder and took it with him as he left you.

you walked to the front door and looked through the peephole to see Wayne standing there with a small, neatly wrapped gift in his hand. "hi Wayne" you said as you opened the door with a smile on your face. Wayne smiled and opened his arms to greet you, you were lucky you always had an amazing relationship with Wayne.

he was always here when you needed him, he helped loads when you and Eddie split up and he always made time for Penny which was the most important thing. "how you doing?" you pulled away from the hug and moved to the side so he could come in.

"i'm okay, very emotional. i can't believe she's five, she's growing up" you followed him into the living room and sat down next to him on the sofa. "i know, seems like only yesterday i got the call from ed's that she'd been born" he instantly realised what he had said and stuttered out an apology which you dismissed "it's okay really, it's a happy memory" it was a touchy subject and you knew Wayne had no ill intentions saying that.

"grandpa Wayne" you heard Penny scream as she saw her grandad was here. "hi princess" he smiled as she ran to him and squealed when he picked her up and placed her on his lap so he could cuddle her. "happy birthday" he kissed her forehead and you smiled at the interaction.

even though bad things happened between you and Eddie, Wayne was always there to tell him that what he did was stupid and that he'd let go of the best thing that would ever happen to him, he was also there for you when you and for that you were forever grateful. Wayne never left.

"did you get everything you wanted" he asked as the two pulled away. you wanted to stay and watch the two of them but another knock at the door pulled you away from the small group.

the next people to arrive were Nancy, Jonathan, Dustin, Will and Mike. you could see a few cars pulling up outside your house so after you greeted them you kept the door open and waiting for them. you could hear Penny giggling in the living room which meant she was happy and that was all that mattered to you today.

once everyone was in the party the kids were dancing and singing whilst the adults lingered around the living room and kitchen talking to one another. you saw Penny and Lottie, one of her school friends dancing with one another making your heart swell with adoration. she looked just looked so happy.

you were standing with Dustin and Steve, watching the kids closely just incase something was to happen. "so, where's Eddie?" Dustin asked as he looked around the room you only sighed and shook your head. "i don't know, i told him to be here at three and it's now four thirty"

you knew something like this would happen just like your gut feeling was telling you it would. "maybe he's just running a little late? i mean it's his daughters birthday for gods sake he needs to be here for her" Dustin rolled his eyes and Steve felt anger filling his body. how could someone do something like this to Penny? the sweetest little girl didn't deserve this.

"i doubt it Dustin. its been almost a month since he last saw her and every weekend he tells her he's gonna be here and then that day rolls around and he isn't. she is heartbroken every time and i'm honestly so close to just cutting off visitation, it's not like he sees her anyway" Dustin nodded and scratched the back of his neck, Eddie was his friend but it was getting harder and harder to defend him.

"he's unfortunately going to find out the hard way, have you told him how this is making her feel?" you nodded and looked at Penny again who had the biggest smile on her face as she danced with more of her friends. "of course i have, every time i get hit with the 'this band is so important to me' but i just keep remembering what it was like before Corroded Coffin took off you know?"

before the band got recognition he worked as a mechanic with Wayne, he made time for you and Penny but it was like as soon as they got the fame he didn't care. his priority changed. "he used to care, he was an amazing dad and i loved him but now i'm stuck wondering how can one person change so quickly. she loves her dad and it breaks my heart seeing her excitement fade as soon as i tell her he isn't coming. it's just too much for her, it's too much for me"

you looked up at the ceiling as you felt tears fill your eyes, you could feel your lip tremble as you tried to keep them in. of course when you and Eddie broke up it broke you, you thought the two of you would be together forever and just seeing the man you love change within a few weeks hurt you badly.

"hey no no don't cry, he isn't worth your tears honey. you're doing an incredible job and he's an asshole" you felt Steve's arm wrap around your shoulders as he pulled you in for a hug. you took a deep breath shocked that you were managing to keep these tears at bay. "it's just one day that i wish he tried, i can manage the other times but it's her birthday and he can't even show up" both boys nodded and you felt Steve's hand stroke your arm.

"he's a dick, but i promise you have all of us and i know it's not how you envisioned your family but you make that little girl so happy and you've done it all on your own. let's try forget about him and enjoy it yeah?" you nodded and kissed Steve’s cheek.

it was now nearing the end of Penny’s party and she was sat on the small sofa which was by the window overlooking the front garden watching as each car drove by the house. she was hoping that one of them would stop and her dad would be there to surprise her but every time the car didn’t stop she felt sadness fill her body.

“sweetheart, everyone’s in the kitchen ready to do your birthday cake” you said as you walked into the living room. “daddy’s not coming is he” you could hear the upset in her voice and it just broke you. you sighed and walked to her and sat down next to her, it was just big enough to fit the two of you.

you stroked her cheek softly and nodded “i don’t think so baby, i’m so sorry” you just watched as she nodded, she wasn’t sulking but you could tell she was really upset. “do you think we could call him maybe? maybe he’s stuck in a jam” you knew what she meant, a traffic jam was a common excuse that you had used for Eddie not turning up.

“of course we can” you got up and walked to the phone which was by the tv and dialled Eddie’s number. the phone rang but of course there was no answer and you watched as she got up from the sofa a frown on her face. she walked to you and held out her hand so she could take the phone as she heard the voicemail beep meaning she could leave a message.

“daddy. are you coming to my party, i miss you” with no response she placed the phone back down on the holder and you kneeled down. she grabbed your hand tightly “it’s okay sweet girl, we will sort it i promise. come on everyone’s waiting for you” you kissed her cheek and stood up so the two of you could walk to the kitchen.

it was evident that she was sad as she listened to everyone sing happy birthday to her and when she blew out her candles, she wished that her dad would turn to her party and surprise her. but her wish unfortunately never came true.

-

it had been a week since Penny’s birthday party and you hadn’t heard from Eddie at all, he never returned the voice message Penny left and you couldn’t help but cry once Penny was in bed and everyone except Steve and Robin had left. you couldn’t get that sad look on her face out of your mind.

today Steve was round and had decided he was going to take you and Penny out to the mall for some shopping and some ice cream, he had promised Penny last week when she was sat on his lap crying into his neck that Eddie didn’t turn up.

it was four o’clock and all three of you were finally ready to go to the mall, Steve and Penny were in her room finishing up a puzzle they had started that morning. it was an easy one but Steve had acted like he didn’t understand it which made Penny explain it in what he described as the most perfect explanation he had ever heard.

you were putting on your shoes and waiting for them to finish up when a knock at your door pulled you out of your thoughts. you opened the door and was shocked to see Eddie standing there with a gift in his hands. “hey y/n, where is everyone. the party started an hour ago” he tried to brush past you but your hand stopped him from coming in.

“the party you’re talking about was last week Eddie, you knew that” you were furious, he’d turned up a week late. “no it’s not it’s today” you shook your head. “it wasn’t Eddie and if you answered your phone you would know that it was last week. did you not listen to the voicemail Penny left you?”

he shook his head and ran a hand through his hair “look i thought it was this weekend, it’s only a week why does it matter. i’ve come to spend the day with her” you scoffed and shook you head again, it was almost laughable.

“you’re joking with me right? you think that you can just turn up here a week late and act like that’s not okay? it was one day where i had begged you to come and you couldn’t even make the effort to show up. she’s devastated Eddie, you promised her” you almost shouted but you didn’t want to alert Penny and Steve that Eddie was here, you wanted him to leave.

“she’s busy today, like i said she doesn’t fit around your schedule anymore” Eddie rolled his eyes “i’m her dad, you can’t just stop me from seeing her” you looked him up and down, you hadn’t even realised how terrible he looked. pale, lifeless.

“you are no father Eddie, you stopped being her dad the minute your band got fame. you have no idea what it’s like to see her get hurt over and over again when you decide to not show up. maybe it’s because you’re with one of your groupies or maybe you’re too busy that day getting high with your friends i don’t care, i asked for one day. one day where you’d prove me wrong and you couldn’t even make the effort to see her on her birthday”

you just felt sad, he was nothing like the Eddie you had fallen in love with all those years ago but now when you see him you just feel angry, hurt and disgusted. “i’m sorry okay? i’ve come here to see her and i’d like to if you’d let me. i am her dad y/n and we can’t change that”

you head heavy footsteps walking down the stairs and footsteps approaching the door. you turned your head as you heard Penny laugh loudly at something Steve had said to her making Eddies focus change from you to her. she was in Steve’s arms hugging him exactly like she used to hug him and that hurt.

it took Steve a minute but he finally noticed Eddie standing there with a small gift in his hands. “oh shit” he whispered, his smile falling as he noticed yours and his hurt expression on your faces, both for completely different reasons. “hi Penny” she looked at the voice and saw Eddie standing there.

he had a small smile on his face as he took in her features. big brown eyes, curly hair which was exactly like his and lips, it was all him except for the small button nose she had obviously gotten from you. she looked at him with no expression, still hurt from what happened last weekend.

she turned away from him and dug her face into Steve’s neck. he took that as an indication that she didn’t want to see him so he walked away to the living room. Eddies smile dropped as he watched her and Steve walk away.

“he can’t just walk away with her, i wanted to see her. im her dad y/n, you can’t just take her away from me” he wasn’t angry, he was hurt that she’d turned away from him like that. “she doesn't see you as a dad anymore Eddie because you're never here” it hurt to tell him that but it was the truth.

his breathing stuttered as he heard that. yes he hadn’t been the perfect dad but he loved that little girl even if he didn’t show it. his eyes filled with tears, he wanted to say more, he wanted to stand there and fight but he didn’t want to cry in front of you so all he did was nod and hand the gift over to you. he bowed his head “i’m gonna uhh, try and change. i’m sorry y/n i really am” with that he walked away.

“i hope so Eddie” you whispered as you watched him walk to his car. you really did hope so.

#fanfiction #imagines #eddie munson #eddie munson imagines #eddie munson imagine #eddie munson fanfic #eddie munson x reader #eddie x fem!reader #eddie munson angst #eddie munson x you #eddie munson x fem!reader #eddie munson x y/n #rockstar!eddie munson x reader #rockstar!eddie imagine #rockstar!eddie #rockstar!eddie munson #rockstar!eddie x reader #dad!eddie munson #dad!eddie x mom!reader #dad!eddie munson x reader

[stomach-bugg09]

hi omg i love your oldest sister fics!!!! Maybe another where she is one of the most feared warriors in the clan ? and when they leave rhe forest she meets someone (romantic) at the new clan ? the sully family is probably not accustom to seeing her be romantic and in love.;)

summary: [y/n] sully is in love, and everyone is scared.

a/n: I LOVE THIS IDEA. LIKE SO VERY MUCH. thank you so much anon for this beautiful experience, it was so fun to write. i actually am really proud of this, given it's pretty long ( 4.6k words, oml !! ) and i put a good ( insane ) amount of effort in. i also kept using this as a way to take a break from studying, so thanks for keeping me from burning out anon! feedback, reblogs, and reqs are always appreciated !!

tags: @pinkhotdogsfr @eywas-heir @historygeekqueen

warnings: literally none, maybe some language, a bit of angst at first ( just sad — i made myself very unhappy ), emotionally hurt + comfort, a sickening amount of fluff, really long, [y/n] x oc but this oc is actually such a sweetie pie i love him, [y/n] being the cutest little patootie of all time

change is scary

every omaticayan knew of [y/n] sully. they knew she was a fierce warrior, a strong warrior. they knew she took after her mother, the archery gene running strong through her veins right next to her urge to protect.

they all knew that, being the oldest child of their olo’eyktan, she was expected to fill the position of the tsahik one day in the far future, and her training reflected just that. not only was she deeply connected with eywa thanks to the teachings of both her mother and grandmother, but she was intelligent when it came to war. she sat in at every single war meeting with her father, silently taking note of everything that was exchanged.

after seventeen long years of listening and learning, [y/n] was considered one of the strongest warriors in their clan. she was well respected, more respected than even some of the elder warriors.

part of her soul felt pride. pride in herself, in her abilities. but, another part of her soul felt empty. almost like she’d missed a third of her childhood because she’d been busy shaking the hands of generals from other clans.

but now… now all of that, all of that time wasted as she straightened her shoulders and stood tall in front of clan leaders, time wasted as she stared at raid maps, time wasted as she trained with the most skilled warriors of the omaticaya… it was all going down the drain.

“we must leave. it is unsafe here.”

she fought tears, told herself she was far too mature for them. she swallowed screams, told herself she needed to set an example for her siblings. the only time she broke was the night before they left, leaving her on her knees before the tree of souls, begging eywa, “why? why must you do this to me? just when i was this close?”

[y/n] was not sad. no, she was angry. but she had nobody to be angry at. it wasn’t like her parents were wrong for wanting to keep her family safe.

maybe if i’d killed that avatar when i had the chance, she cursed herself, remembering when her arrow’d been pointed directly at the heart of quaritch, only being interrupted by the other avatar that shot at her. thanks to the will of eywa, he was a terrible shot and she came out unscathed.

she held a stoic look upon her face during the ceremony in which her father passed along the title of olo’eyktan to tarsem. it wasn’t that she had anything against tarsem and his mate—in fact, she thought they were considerably good choices. but that was supposed to be her. that was supposed to be her ceremony.

by the time they had to leave, [y/n] had nothing left, no energy left to try and hold it down. so, instead she remained silent, because if she decided to say a farewell to even one person… she knew herself well enough to not trust the floodgates.

as they flew, her butt growing sorer and sorer by the second, she remained distant. the air was calming, the breeze allowing her a moment to breath.

she was so wrapped up in her own thoughts she didn’t notice her family exchange glances, all silently deciding to leave [y/n] to work through it herself. they knew her, and they knew she would not let them help. i’m fine, she would say, and she would keep saying it until they finally gave up.

it was only when they reached their new home in the metkayina clan that she began to show herself again, but even that was the tiniest peek.

as ronal circled the group of foreigners, her hands trailing over them as to check out what features they offered, [y/n] immediately felt on alert. her ears perked, eyes narrowing at the tsahik, a growl growing at the back of her throat.

when she held up lo’ak’s hand for the entire clan to see, as if shaming him for his lineage—a lineage that he was born into without a choice, [y/n] stepped forward, teeth bared. immediately, neteyam pulled her backwards, just as jake did with neytiri.

her action pulled ronal’s attention, their eyes locking. the tsahik circled her, watching as [y/n]’s tail swished, lip curled in disgust.

ronal did not miss as her eyes flared for even a split second as she stopped in front of the girl, grabbing [y/n]’s face with one hand. the air immediately got tenser, tonowari and jake sharing very similar expressions of concern, the latter grabbing his mate before she could make any dumb decisions.

[y/n]’s tail fell to a pause, her air stuck in her chest as she stared directly into the metkayina woman’s eyes.

“if you are seeking refuge, i suggest that you don’t threaten anyone.”

[y/n] bared her teeth at that, fangs making a show just for her. “if you are seeking to make enemies with the toruk makto, then why don’t you just say that?”

now, in this moment, most members of the metkayina clan were justifiably upset. speaking to their tsahik like that? well, of course they would be angry. but, in the crowd of metkayina stood one boy, his eyes unable to leave that girl. that girl who was full of anger, of spite, of bitterness for the world. she was captivating.

as the rest of the crowd gasped at the seventeen year old’s words, he couldn’t help but laugh, immediately covering his mouth as his friends sent him a look and an elbow in the ribs.

the only other person to smile at her words was, shockingly, ronal. the tsahik felt the smallest grin rise to her lips, taking her hand off of the girl’s face and taking a step back. as soon as she was back with tonowari, it was like the look of amusement had never been there.

once she’d stepped back, silence seemed to settle in the air. it was heavy, weighing on [y/n]’s shoulders just as much as the look her father sent her. behave, remember? he seemed to be telling her.

her mother’s look of pride made her feel a bit better, though.

as a way to regain the attention of the crowd, tonowari cleared his throat. “toruk makto is a great war leader. all na’vi people know his story.” he then locked eyes with jake. “but we metkayina are not at war.” [y/n]’s eyes followed tuk, watching as the small girl walked over to her father, allowing for the father to pick her up and hold her in his arms. “we cannot let you bring your war here.”

jake nodded in agreement. “i’m done with war, okay. i just.. want to keep my family safe.” at that, they seemed to pull closer together, neytiri grabbing the hands of her two eldest daughters.

“uturu has been asked,” the mother added, her eyes meeting those of tonowari.

the silence was deadly. [y/n] could feel pins of anxiety, her breath getting shallower. and what if they send us away? where else would we go? just keep trying and trying to find someone to take us?

after what seemed like forever, tonowari turned away from them and towards the people. “toruk makto and his family will stay with us.” immediately, relief flooded her body, her head dropping in appreciation. “treat them as your brothers and sisters. they do not know the sea, so they will be like babies taking their first breath.” at that, [y/n] felt her mother cringe beside her. and, as a wonderful way to finish their introduction to the metkayina people, he added, “teach them our ways so they not suffer the shame of being useless.”

she felt neteyam’s grab her tail at that, tugging it to keep her from saying anything stupid.

“okay,” jake sighed, relieved. he turned to his family. “what do we say?”

“thank you,” they all mumbled except for tuk whose tone was very genuine.

[y/n], however, remained silent. at a sharp look from her father, she swallowed. “thank you,” she added, exhaling a deep breath.

beside tonowari stood two kids, a boy and a girl. “my son ao’nung and my daughter tsireya will show your children what do,” he informed the family. [y/n] stifled a chuckle as the boy, ao’nung, tried to argue his way out of it. “it has been decided,” tonowari shut him down.

tsireya, however, looked more than happy to do it, and based on the way her baby brother was staring at the metkayina girl, lo’ak didn’t seem to mind either. “come, i will show you our village.”

if there was one thing that shocked [y/n] during her time in awa’atluI, it was that she horridly terrible. terrible at everything. from riding an ilu to being a quick swimmer. it was awful. and maybe the whole brink of the problem was the fact that she could barely hold her breath for a time, making it nearly impossible to learn to do anything else.

it’d been a few weeks of relearning the ways of life, and it felt as if she was making absolutely no progress. the simple things, such as food and even dancing, came easy to her. but learning to make food and dance was not going to make her a successful warrior, and even tonowari knew they needed to train her to fight with them based on the stories that her father told of her. ( he also recognized her the moment that ronal faced her off—how could tonowari forget the face of one of most mature eight year olds that he’d ever met way back in the day when he visited the omaticaya for a war meeting. )

but, for the love of eywa, [y/n] was useless. completely and utterly! and the fact of it made her sick to her stomach.

ao’nung was her first teacher, and he was a complete imbecile. tsireya was patient with her, but her optimism made me feel even guiltier by the day. eventually, one day out of the blue, the two children of ronal and tonowari brought forth a male.

this male was around [y/n]’s age. he was tall, muscular, and based on his tattoos, he was an announced warrior of the metkayina. tsireya introduced him as fali.

it turned out, based on further conversation between [y/n] and tsireya, that fali had grown up with the two kids. he was the son of respected warrior, a warrior that was considered ronal’s best friend. in a way, fali was like their big brother.

at that, [y/n] thought that… maybe they could be friends. maybe they had more in common!

she was wrong, and after a days of knowing him, she came to the conclusion that their older sibling roles happened to be the only thing in common.

while [y/n] was smart, responsible, respectful… fali was stupid, annoying, and careless. it was driving [y/n] up the wall! if he was the “older sibling,” why did he egg ao’nung on? if he was the “older sibling,” why did he dare the younger boys to go beyond the reef? if he was the “older sibling,” why was he so… reckless?

so, to say that [y/n] was exhausted with both him and the entirety of trying to rewire her brain, well… that would be a major understatement.

but, alas, she was still expected to learn. unfortunately for her, she took the role as the older sibling quite seriously, and she tried to set a good example out of herself!

now she treaded water in the middle of the reef, the sun beaming down on her face and shoulders. in front of her floated fali, the boy drifting stomach up with his hands rested behind his head.

[y/n] did not look amused, as unfortunate as fali found it. he was letting the sun practically burn his face off, and she wouldn’t even smile!

after an excruciating amount of time, fali let out a yelp of surprise when he felt her hand grab his tail, yanking him downwards. when he resurfaced, she had the faintest shadow of a grin. she nearly drowns me and she still can’t smile fully. what is wrong with her?

while [y/n] thought fali to be reckless and far too carefree, fali found her to be way too uptight. i mean, sure, old habits die hard after being raised as the future tsahik, but couldn’t she let loose once in a while?

“can we please start?” the girl asked, tone exasperated.

he rolled his eyes, a smile playing at his lips. “well, i apologize. i didn’t realize you were so eager to learn. i mean, you usually just complain.”

[y/n] sighed, sending him a look of annoyance. he does not shut up, does he? but, he wasn’t wrong… however, she didn’t let him know that her heart dropped once he decided to actually start teaching her for the day.

it was an unusually long lesson, but it was filled with the same issues as every other day. fali telling her what to do, [y/n] being unable to do it, [y/n] getting mad at herself, fali trying to help her fix it, [y/n] telling him that she’s fine, fali stepping back and watching her battle herself… it was always a pleasant time.

this time, however, things just seemed to be a little more on edge. she seemed to be a little more annoyed. at him, at herself. she was a balloon ready to burst, and fali was bracing himself for the moment that she did.

it was after the sixth time in which she failed to breath correctly that he knew it was going down. he watched her face flush, eyes narrowing as she continued to try and fix it.

“no, [y/n],” he offered, voice soft. she always made him feel guilty, guilty of ever getting annoyed. he knew that she was trying her best. “just… breathe from here. pretend as if there’s a flame within your belly, offering your lungs support and warmth.”

“i’m trying!” she snapped, eyes brimming with tears before she quickly turned away, eyes avoiding his eyes.

the two faded to silence, simply sitting on a rock in the middle of the reef, staring at the setting sun ahead of them. the horizon was gorgeous, a beautiful orange contrasting the blue of the sea.

they sat there, in silence, until just before eclipse.

as they neared curfew, [y/n] inhaled deeply, preparing herself to get up and leave. but, a gentle hand on her knee stopped her. she turned to fali.

“do you know what i think?” he began, voice gentle. “i think that you are more than capable to do this.”

[y/n] scoffed. “if that were true, i would be out there, not stuck with… with you!”

at that, he huffed a laugh, running his fangs over his bottom lip. “i’m going to ignore that comment and continue getting to my point,” he jokes, his eyes widening at the smallest flicker of a smile on her lips. “i believe that something, whether you realize it or not, is keeping you from being successful—my guess being that it’s subconscious—but i digress. i believe that you are scared, [y/n]. scared of doing it right, scared of becoming one of the metkayina because once you are one of our people, you feel like you are betraying your home.”

the girl beside him shook her head in disbelief. “you believe? or you know? because you sure said that—that soliloquy—as if you know me.” [y/n] stood up, taking a few steps backwards. “i have known you for seven days, fali. seven days! and suddenly you decide that you can analyze me?”

fali laughed at that. “seven days is enough for you to decide that you hate me!” he pointed out, a disbelieving smile playing on his lips.

“well, you wear everything on the outside. every bit of stupidity, recklessness, carelessness.” she grit her teeth. “you are an open book, and i am closed. that is the truth.”

“i wear what i want to wear,” fali argued, standing up to face her, the two getting closer by the second. they got closer by the insult thrown. “you think i am dumb, but i am not. i am smart enough to make it so that people like you—people who do not care to look past their own bubble—cannot see my vulnerabilities.”

[y/n] bared her teeth. “you think me ignorant? blind, even? i have seen more of the world than you, i have fought dream-walkers, watched as my baby siblings had death looming above their heads. you are clueless to what is beyond awa’atlu.” a growl built in the back of her throat, their faces extremely close together. “i build my—my ‘bubble,’ as you called it—because i know what is beyond your dimwitted understanding!”

the two were silent, the tension electric between them. behind them the sun was set beyond the horizon, eclipse having already passed. waves lapped at the rock, the incoming high tide making it so their feet were splashed with the salty water.

as they stared at each other, a sense of understanding seemed to bless both of them. fali’s eyes never left those of [y/n]... her ( beautiful ) narrowed eyes. and [y/n] didn’t miss the way that the moons reflected on fali’s aquamarine skin, his bioluminescent freckles splattering the sides of his face.

[y/n] could have sworn she felt herself lean in, towards him, until the familiar call of her mother brought her back to reality.

“[y/n]?” neytiri called from their marui.

the girl swallowed, stepping back quickly. she cleared her throat before yelling back, “coming!” and with one last look at fali, she dove into the waters.

the next few days were odd, to put it simply. suddenly, there was no aggravation towards each other, but it was much more tense in an… awkward way.

a part of [y/n] was filled with spite, and by the time they got to working again, she was doing better than she had been for weeks. she was actually making progress! and it was all to shove it in fali’s face.

unfortunately for her, fali was much more hesitant when it came to helping her. he refused to touch her stomach as to help her breathing, his movements stiff and scared, resembling that of a baby hexapede.

but, [y/n] didn’t need him…? the others found it extremely peculiar. one day, she’s out past curfew, and right after she suddenly fixed nearly all her mistakes. very odd indeed…

it did not take long for her first free dive. her breathing improved astoundingly, her swimming technique also getting better from watching tsireya when she showed kiri and tuk around the reef.

“do you see this shell?” fali held it up, the sunlight reflecting off of its shiny exterior.

she rolled her eyes. “yes, i see the shell.”

“that’s good.” he blinked, eyes shifting away from her’s with a sheepish grin. “uh, anyway,” he continued, clearing his throat. “i assume you understand the drill? i drop it, you find it.”

“yes, fali,” she sighed. “i am fully aware of how this works. now, i would rather get it done with soon so i don’t have to live in anxiety anymore.” [y/n] locked eyes with fali. “please just drop the shell.”

and he did. she swallowed as she watched it float down, the depths looking much more abyssal-like than they normally did.

“remember,” fali’s soft tone grabbed her attention, “there is nothing to fear. you are stronger than you know, and if you begin to doubt yourself… think of you returning with the shell and rubbing it in my face.” at that, [y/n]’s face flushed, embarrassed. he smiled at her expression. “yes, i know that’s the only reason you’ve suddenly been trying, but… if it works, it works.”

and for once, she smiled. actually smiled. and fali felt himself burst with pride. somehow, it felt better that it wasn’t one of his stupid jokes, or his silly slip-ups. no, he made her smile just by talking to her. by being fali.

stunned, fali only remembered that he was supposed to be helpful when she stared at him expectantly with those bright [e/c] eyes of her’s. he lifted his hands, miming lungs filling with air as he reminded, “deep breath. this is all yours. nothing to fear, only to look forward to.”

with that, the girl dove in.

underneath the surface, she felt at peace. for the first time ever, [y/n] wasn’t freaking out while submerged in the salty water. instead, her jaw seemed to gape in awe at the scenery around her.

the deeper she went, the more starstruck that she was. there were layers to this reef that she hadn’t even been aware of. layers that she’d only heard from tales of her siblings, not truly understanding how magical they actually were.

as she kicked her feet towards the ocean floor, she heard fali’s voice in her head. “the way of water has no beginning and end.” she caught sight of the shell. “the sea is around you and in you. the sea is your home, before your birth and after your death.” she stifled a cry of joy as a school of fish swam around her, tickling her sides with their soft touches. “our hearts beat in the womb of the world. our breath burns in the shadows of the deep.” she was nearly there, her hand outstretched to grab the small artifact. “the sea gives and the sea takes.” she got it! oh, eywa, she got it! it was in her hand! oh, how proud fali will be! “water connects all things.” she began to swim up, a smile stuck on her face. “life to death,” she resurfaced, “darkness to light.”

“fali!” she cried, spinning around in a circle to catch the eyes of the boy. “fali, look!” she held it up, her expression beaming with pride.

and fali couldn’t help it either, his own smile taking over his features. “[y/n]!” he exclaimed, jumping off of the rock and swimming to her. “you did it! oh, eywa, you actually did it!” he stared at the shell as they tread water. “oh, how proud i am!”

her silence caused him to turn, staring her in the eyes. “[y/n]?”

she swallowed, her eyes locked on the shell in her hands. “fali,” she began, voice quiet. “i have a wallowing fear that you were right.”

at those words, fali gaped silently. instead of answering right away, he began to tug her towards the rock, allowing for them to get out of the water so her could properly comfort her.

once she was settled on the rock, she carefully placed the shell down, pulling her knees close to her chest. she felt like a child again, helpless against her emotions. “i was scared. not of the ocean, not of swimming, not of drowning.” she looked up, locking eyes with fali. “i was scared of abandoning my people.”

a tear dropped from her eye, and fali immediately had her hands resting on [y/n]’s biceps. “hey,” he called softly, forcing her to look him in the eyes again. “you are not abandoning them. you are… learning. you are learning how to adapt, how to survive. in fact, i think that is more in touch with your culture and ancestors! you are just like them, trying to adapt and survive in a world that is trying to kill you.” she smiled a little at that. maybe he wasn’t so stupid. “you are not weak for fearing change… you are normal. it is okay to be normal every once in a while, as much as you enjoy being the big sister that is oh-so mature and oh-so strong.” his finger lifted her chin up, a soft smile on his lips. “because people who love you do not mind how mature, or strong, or stupid, or careless, or responsible, or up-tight you are. because you, [y/n], are what you are.”

once he was finished, he noticed that [y/n]’s tears were dried, a smile on her face. a look in her eyes had him floored… oh, she was so beautiful, wasn’t she?

luckily for fali, she seemed to think the same of him, raising her arm, grabbing the back of his head, and bringing his smiling lips against her’s.

the sully family knew and loved [y/n]. of course they did! she was their’s, afterall. but, they also knew that she was never this easy-going or even this happy.

both jake and neytiri knew they’d seared little moments of trauma into the brain of their eldest daughter, and they hated knowing that, but parenting is never easy. especially when she was expected to become the tsahik way back when.

but, ever since a few weeks ago, ever since she finally overcame her own issues regarding leaving the omaticaya, ever since she finally found someone that she loved as much as she loved her family ( and he seemed to love her even more ), she was a new person. a better person. a person who actually seemed to enjoy life.

neteyam and lo’ak were the first to become skeptical. ever since her successful free-dive, she’d been so.. giddy. it was not their big sister.

kiri started to catch on when she noticed [y/n] disappearing four hours at a time, and when she came back, she was ten times happier.

neytiri and jake were so wrapped up in the fact that their eldest was finally living a happy life, they didn’t once question, “hm, why could that be?”

it was only when [y/n] returned home a little late one night after the rest of the family, minus tuk since she was still quite young, had a busy day full of duties. she blamed it on finishing an errand with her new best friend, fali, but neytiri scanned her daughter’s body for any sign of injury. neytiri was just that type of mama bear!

“[y/n],” she began, eyes narrowed at her neck. “did you get bitten today? are the bugs bad on that side of the island?”

[y/n]’s face flushed almost immediately. she swallowed, grabbing her hair to cover her neck. “yeah—” she attempted, before tuk interrupted. [y/n] immediately cursed herself, remembering the stupid excuse that fali and her’d made up to cover-up their “hang-out” when tuk had walked in unexpectedly.

“uh, no, mom,” the youngest said matter-of-factly. “she was playing shark with fali. obviously.”

immediately, the sully family burst into confusion.

“[y/n]!” neytiri scolded, although her eldest daughter didn’t miss the amused smile that played on her lips.

kiri burst into laughter. “that’s why you’ve been so happy? because a guy? who even are you?” she teased.

lo’ak was absolutely losing his mind, face flushed from the laughter he was overcome by at the reality of it all. his big sister, little-miss-uptight, getting her first kiss before him and neteyam? unbelievable!

neteyam was absolutely shocked, face frozen in disbelief. “you? fali?”

jake, of course, was on immediate protective dad mode. “fali? the son of vi’ieo and fpai?” he questioned, eyes squinted at [y/n].

all [y/n] could do was sit there, a hand covering her mouth. of all people, tuk had to expose her. it’s always the ones you least expect.

but, despite the surprise of it all, the sully family was extremely happy. [y/n], the one who entered the metkayina by trying to one-up the tsahik and also deal with her own absolute soul-crushing homesickness, was making a life here in awa’atlu. and they couldn’t be more proud.

someone was suckered into a part ii

#avatar 2 #avatar the way of water #loak sully #neteyam sully #sully family x reader #sully family x y/n #tuk sully #tuktirey #sully family #sully siblings x reader #sully!reader #kiri sully #lo'ak x oldersister!reader #lo'ak sully #neteyam x sister!reader #neteyam #kiri #neytiri #jake sully #dad!jake sully

[themthrfkinprincess]

Astro observation . . . TWO!!

Whenever I see someone has a prominent Scorpio or Capricorn placement I always notice and see how sweet and overlay considerate they are. These people I’ve noticed are very helpful and there for people, sometimes they don’t think about themselves that much and contain themselves too much. They also are like nonchalantly funny? It’s not hard for them to make me laugh I’ve noticed.

But yeah strong Capricorn and Scorpio placements remind me of the giving tree idkkk

Like also Capricorn’s and Cancers be goofy as shit im crine😭

WHEW. This is from my experience but when I have seen a fair amount of Virgo or Cancer influences in somebody chart THEY ALWAYS GET ON MY NERVES LIKE GIRL DON'T DO ME LEAVE ME ALONE😭 I swear I have always had little moments with them- they can be quite annoying but guess what. I often spend so much time with them and we are right back on track maybe two seconds later it’s so funny. We switch up so much it funny. And this is funny because well I am a cancer myself and well there are more than three cancers in my family who I adore. You guys are really aggravating though.

And like also Geminis freaky foreal like YALL LIKE BOOTY FOREAL😭

also its a double whammy if you have eros or venus in gemin lol. I have both 😈👅

so come here . . . .

GIVE ME THAT BOOTY😈

lol😭

AND YOOOO Like geminis and Leo’s can be so embarrassing at times? They’re very suspect to be very lollygagging individuals and I can say this because I have a Leo stellium. Sometimes I look back and be like girl no. It sad. ☹️ like girl you 36 how long you gon be doing this😕.

They remind me of this liam dancing gif. Its not that they are embarrassing over big things- its just small stuff they can do and say which makes you go wtf???😭 Sometimes i feel they try to impress you over small weird things that no one really gives a fuck about like okay right . . . right . . .

Leo, Cancer, Gemini, and Virgo can be really corny at times- it reminds of that gif of drake doing the dougie. They can be corny in a cute way though😭but leos can get genuinely embarrassing as a mentioned beforehand

Also Geminis talk too much 🦧.

They will run their mouth and run it- i have no problem with it though I like to talk a lot lol. They are ( of course!) good listeners too! I had a friend she was so chill- I could talk to her about anything’s like- if i wanted to speak gibberish she would speak gibberish back to me. She was so random too. They are kind of silly whimsical beings at times I will not lie. Like it would not be wild to catch them froliciing in the fields randomly- its kind of expected of them in my own opinion. In my eyes they really be in their own world at times. 💀

AYE.

And yo!? Tell me why Aries are so cute what the hell!?!?

LIKE THEY ARE SO CUTE!!

CYUTSIE PATOOTSIES!!!! I imagine them trying to rob me at a gas station I own or something. Like I don’t know imagine them pointing a gun at you and trying to rob you LMFAO. I WILL BURST OUT LAUGHING. They might shoot you tho idk😞 they really be standing on business and they intimidate me a lot once they start talking- and they could be totally be happy/polite while they are talking. It’s just their aura feels forceful? Lively? Out there? I don’t know how to explain it but yeah. Also they are so sweet too!!! These people are cheerleaders- people say that Leo’s are cheerleaders but the biggest cheerleaders I see are more often Aries. My cousin is one and she is very VERY sweet. She listens to you deeply and she really pushes you. Sometimes it’s annoying at times cause like GIRL LEAVE ME ALONE I DON'T FEEL LIKE IT 😭 I love aries though 💖😭 You guys are so cute. AND WHY THEY ALWAYS LOOK LIKE CARTOON CHARACTERS 😭

LIKE WHY HE LOOK LIKE RODDY😭

And of course we know Pedro looks like chicken little

Also Aries women are GORG!! No seriously! Look at Halle!!! Miss Mamas is GORG!! She is STUNNING! It’s like 💥WAPOW!!!💥 getting struck and hit by her beauty😍💖

Also David tennant so cute he's sort of like kind of my man😍😍 if you have a crush on him your so real I totally get it fren 😋💗🤭😁

Like dude come on he's so freaking cute. His eyes are so intense it makes him look like a crackhead sometimes but it doesn't even matter HE'S SO CUTE. And his Scottish accent is so 🫦🫦🫦 I don't know what he be saying sometimes though in his TV shows like huh🗿

Cancer Mars are literally the Scarlet Witch idk dude. . . . like people can go completely BONKERS. These hoes kind of crazy. If you been wronging one for quite a while you better sleep with one eye open when you sleeping👀

Like these people are kind of punks☹️. They retreat often when something is wrong- too much actually. They really do not want to fight or have any problems foreal. They can be very indirect at times when bothered it can get annoying. But when enough is enough its over💀 its like one fart and your dead💀

Like that Aries and Cancer energy is not mixing well and shit can get REAL unstable there like don't do them patna!!

Uhm i totally had a million more things to say and I really did not get to re-read this. So there may be many typos- and also im kind of lazy and wish i decorated this post better. But that's besides the point- I hope you liked this post or whatever!!! I was totally honestly rambing to myself, if you found these accurate to you then great!

Peace out!!!💖💗

#astrology #astro observations #cancer mars #cancer #aries #leo #virgo #scorpio #gemini

[woso-fan91]

Second Chance At Love? (Part 2)

Surprised you quickly stood up almost falling over your own feet as you moved closer to Ona, scared that if you move to quickly she would run away or you would just wake from the dream: „Hola mi vida…“

Ona raised her hand in warning: „No Y/n. You don‘t get to do that… you lost your right to call me that!“

Ashamed you looked to the floor before looking at the defender: „Lo siento Ona. You‘re right I lost the right to call you that. I spoke out of habit and for that I apologize…“ Ona crossed her arms infront of her chest: „You said, you would be honest with me. Said that you changed… that you would do anything I say… Do you mean that?“

The million Dollar question you figured, while you looked into her hazel eyes you decided to be honest for once: „Si, I meant every word.“

Ona looked at you with with conflicting emotions running from fear, to sadness, to exhaustion, to uncertainty and everything was underlined with the adoration she felt for you ever since you two were kids and ran around the backyard: „I think we should talk in private, no?“ You nodded looking insecure: „Do you have time now?“ Ona nodded and said goodbye to the kids around you. You followed her example and followed Ona not exactly knowing where she would take you.

To your surprise Ona took you to the beach where you shared your first kiss in 2011 just before she went and joined La Masia. You watched her curiously knowing to not push her when she was thinking so you decided to sit in the sand and just watch her for now. You missed her, her humor, her laugh, her eyes, her dimples, the way she would smile at you, when you were cuddled and cozied up on the couch. Involuntarily you smiled.

Ona looked at you: „What‘s so funny Y/n?“ You looked at her: „Nothing… just realized your habits didn‘t exactly change and you have gotten more beautiful over the last three years.“ Ona felt the blush creep up her cheeks but decided to get this talk back on track: „Thank you… but you said you‘d do anything I said…“ Quickly you nodded: „Yes.“ The defender sat down beside you: „Why?“ Curiously you ask: „Why what?“ Ona rolled her eyes: „Why did you break up with me? Why did you break my heart, forcing me to move to England…“

You looked over the water pulling your legs to your chest: „I suppose I owe you this explaination… You know that I was always your biggest supporter when it came to your career Ona. I was so fucking proud when you got accepted into La Masia, knowing it was your dream… Knowing that I had to take a second role in your life so you could focus on your career. I loved to watch you thrive on the pitch and I loved my role as the supporting girlfriend, even figuring out that I could get use to the WAG life… But I knew as well that you felt bad to push me into the back. Missing our anniversaries, the birthdays, the holidays and whenever we were together you were tired or your mind was already on the next games. I read about the rumors that United was interested in signing you and I knew back than that it would be beneficial for your career and the way you would develop as a player. When we saw eachother again you told me, you received the offer but you wanted to decline it… Decline it because of me and I could never accept that. Never accept that you would put me over your career. You will achieve big things Ona, maybe there‘ll be a Ballon d‘Or on the horizont for you and before you object, I sincerely believe that because I know what a great player you are. So I made the hardest decision in my life and broke up with you although I was and still am madly and deeply in love with you. I knew when I broke your heart, you would take Uniteds offer and go be the amazing player I knew you were back than…“

Ona listened intently watching her first and true love finally putting the truth out for her to hear.

You looked into her eyes: „I knew you would hate me for that, but I figured that you would be able to eventually understand why I did what I did. I know I hurt you Ona and for that, I will be forever sorry and I will happily apologize every single day for the rest of our lifes if that is what you want. I never missed a single game you played and I always was your biggest support. I know or rather read that your heart may now belong to a certain English right-back and I accept that Ona, I do. All I ever wanted for you was to be happy and unapologatically yourself.“

Ona locked eyes with you knowing you mean the pictures with Lucy. Her mentor and good friend… Lucy was funny, honest and insanely beautiful and talented but they were close friends but that was all because you were in the picture and even as you broke her heart back than you were her person, her soulmate, her other half. Also a little part of her was scared, scared you would hurt her again: „You still love me?“

You smiled slightly at her: „Si, I‘m still very much head over heels in love with you Ona. Always have and always will be. If the choice would be mine, I would marry you right here, right now because I know I will never ever love someone like I love you.“

Ona laughed freely and leaned closer to you: „Easy cariño, or I will take you up on that offer.“

You smirked leaning closer to her irresistable lips: „I‘m not stopping you on taking me up on this offer… I had the ring ever since we were 18 and I intent to use it if you give me the chance.“ Ona enjoyed your warm breath on her lips: „No more breaking up and no more lies?“ Immediatly you nodded your head: „No more. Never again mi vida. I will happily be in your corner as whatever you want me to be.“ Ona couldn‘t wait anymore and finally kissed you after those long three years apart.

You kissed her back with the same intensity your defender showed you as she mumled: „How does girlfriend sound for now?“ You looked up: „For now?“ Ona stoked along your cheek: „Si, for now… after all I will be your wife one day.“

With a happy laugh you pulled Ona into your lap and kissed her again before mumbling: „Te quiero bebe… I love you so fucking much!“ Ona staddled you her arms wrapping around your neck: „I love you too. Can‘t wait for our future together cariño.“

#ona batlle x reader #woso x reader #woso fanfics #espwnt x reader #fc barcelona femeni x reader

[spacedlexi]

i just think a "friended/romanced + saved + trust aj" violet does such a good job rounding out the plot and characters of S4 and i dont say that lightly

she walls people off out of fear just like S3 clem did and learned to grow out of through the compassion of others. feeling like she could have done more to save minnie being what initially makes her step up to lead, but her accepting her love for clem (and clem choosing to save her) is what leads to her Truly accepting the school and everyone inside it as her Home and gives her something to fight for ("i tried my damnedest not to care about either of you. and i still couldnt tell you why." "i know where youre coming from. after losing so many people, sometimes its easier to keep everyone at arms length." "and then you wonder why you fight so hard to stay alive. i dont wonder anymore."). this being the reasoning behind violets detachment from the school, as well as a negative home life impacting her idea of what a home even was. but together they turn ericson from a prison into the home theyve BOTH been looking for, renaming it together, and envisioning it for the future together. the two of them understand each other deeply, from what theyve lost to how its affected them and the poor ways theyve decided to react to it. but through their support of the other, they BOTH get to evolve into more relaxed and confident versions of themselves, who know Exactly what theyre fighting for

her troubled relationship with brody and getting to learn more about what happened with the twins/violets reaction to it and how she ultimately blames herself/brodys guilt about her part in it and how she misses violet. getting the chance to mend that relationship before its too late. the 3 of them becoming closer because of it. and getting to develop clems friendship with brody leads to a more impactful moment later in the basement

her relationship with tenn reflecting clems relationship with aj, in the way they both made the decision to look after their respective boys after their primary guardians died (ajs parents, tenns sisters). both of them can understand the responsibilities they have taken upon themselves, and how hard it can be to do right. the 4 of them become a tight knit group quickly. especially in EP2 as vi supports clem while tenn supports aj through the marlon fiasco

her confused relationship with minerva introducing interesting conflict both within her relationship with clem (who has her own personal conflict with minerva, which vi still ties into through her relationship with both minnie and tenn) and the over arching plot, which has themes of learning when to let someone go because they are no longer who they once were (clem and lilly "we were family once", mitch about ms martin "you get all caught up in who people used to be, and you cant deal with whats in front of you", violet about minnie "the real minnie? shes been gone this whole time and i have to stop mourning her")

having a saved violet on the boat expanding the conversation with minerva about her motivations with the delta. violet apologizing for never looking for her, minnie saying she knows she would have but that its too late now, so sure this is just the way things have to be. getting to hear minnie say "you can be rewarded, just like i am", giving us insight into her character. and clem getting the last word before she rams the door down, her and violet fighting minnie Together. and violet saves clems life, making the Choice to shoot minerva, which in and of itself is a huge moment for violets character in regards to her relationship with both minnie And clem

and aj shooting tenn on the bridge brings things full circle, by putting violet in the same position louis was in EP2, where aj has killed the most important person to her, in an effort to save her life, and now she must reckon with those feelings the same way louis had to about marlon. not so easy now is it violet? ("so youre mad, but sad" "can i be that for a while?" "yeah, its ok")

just... ough... violets whole character just fits into Everything so well, but in a way that elevates the characters and plots around her, while also developing her into her own

#plus tenn dying with minnie feels like looking at a clem and aj Bad End and that feels intentional #and vi being there fighting minnie for tenns life....the boy she took it upon herself to look out for.. and losing him 😭 #ALSO i feel like the whole point of S4 is raising aj into someone clem trusts. like did you do a good job raising him or not?? #like through the decisions i made i Did naturally trust him in that cave. but after seeing other routes i can def see why some didnt #but even if clem doesnt trust him in that cave he still proves later in the barn that he knows when to make his own call #its more about what clem has to lose/how long it takes for her to trust aj. he knows what hes doing now. clem says as much #none of this is me saying picking louis' route is BAD. im just pointing out the ways violets works on so many levels for me #esp since the season is already so short. all of this really helps to flesh out the plot and side characters in those 4 eps #but anyway this is why i cant stand violet slander especially when people say she was underdeveloped compared to other characters #i just think youre not paying attention to her #but what else is new for female characters #twdg #it speaks

[moistvonlipwig]

so how many of these little hearts am i allowed to send you :D (maybe we can start with 💖)

💖: What is your biggest unpopular opinion about the series?

I'll assume you are asking about Supergirl. ;) I kind of have 3 that I couldn't pick between and I have a Lot to say about all 3, so this is going under a cut for anyone who doesn't want to see me kvetching about one of the worst-written CW superhero shows for *checks word count* 3681 words.

Opinion number one is that I like Lena/James as a ship. I think they had good chemistry and the thorny history between them makes for an interesting launching point for a relationship. I prefer them as a ship to Kara/James (which is fine and cute, but it doesn't compel me -- plus it's much more in the vein of modern rom-com romances vs. Lena/James which is written more like a screwball comedy romance which I infinitely prefer) and to any non-Supercorp Lena ships. While I admit the build-up in 3A isn't particularly well-done and the implosion of the relationship in S4 didn't do it any favors, I think they're really good in 3B and there's a lot of potential there for a super interesting relationship. (And, I mean, when it comes to Supergirl, which is Very Bad at romance and honestly not even particularly good at friendship, I think 'they have good chemistry, some great scenes, and there is solid potential for them to have an interesting relationship' is kind of the best you're gonna get. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯)

And to turn this into more of a kvetching session: I truly don't begrudge people for not liking them as a ship -- as I said, there are some serious writing problems afflicting their relationship. But I will say that, even putting aside the more egregiously and blatantly racist strains of the fandom and how they talk about the ship, I get frustrated with the way a lot of fans (even nominally pro-James ones) tend to dismiss the relationship (and Lena's feelings for James in particular) out of hand.

A lot of fans love to talk about Lena "not caring" that James was Guardian, but, like, she did care? She didn't get mad at him because she had no actual reason to. She and Guardian had no beef! He did not maintain two separate relationships with her as both himself and his alter ego Countess Boochie Flagrante! Wild how NOT doing that can greatly improve an alter ego reveal, lol. And the scene with James telling Lena he's Guardian ends with Lena opening up to him in turn about the fact that she herself manufactured the kryptonite. And then they kiss about it and they have sex. That, uh. That is not the reaction of a woman who does not care what her boyfriend just told her, that is the reaction of a woman who is deeply touched that he trusts her (which, it's both sad and telling that that kind of trust is not something she just Expects from a significant other) and who wants to share part of herself with him in return.

And a lot of fans also love to talk about Lena breaking up with James as if it were something she did on a whim because he ethically disagreed with one of her projects. But, um. She explicitly did not break up with him because of that. She told him that was why they were breaking up, but several episodes later she explicitly tells Lex (and thus the audience) that she actually broke up with him because she was scared of him breaking up with her once he found out she was helping cure Lex. Again, this is both a sad and telling moment about her character, that she would rather not give someone the chance to respond to her with grace because she so greatly fears that they will fail to do so, to the point that she would rather sabotage a relationship she treasures with her own hands, so that at least she will be in control of the loss she suffers. And it's a character beat that you miss entirely if you are dead-set on pretending that Lena didn't really care about James.

What's, shall we say, interesting is I don't really see this kind of casual, pervasive dismissal of Kara's relationship with Mon-El, which was much more of a trainwreck on all fronts. Even people who hate that relationship generally take Kara's feelings about it seriously. They don't deny that Kara felt strongly about Mon-El (whether they take the position that she was actually in love with him or that she just convinced herself she was). Why the difference in approach, when if anything, Lena's feelings about James are made more blatantly clear by the text than Kara's often extremely contradictory feelings about Mon-El are? ...Well. I can certainly think of one reason.

Opinion number two is that I don't care about the Danvers sisters relationship. I think there is a potentially interesting set-up to their relationship, where Alex was essentially parentified as a teenager and forced to rearrange her whole life around keeping Kara safe. The inevitable consequences of this -- that Alex has neglected her own happiness and devoted her life unhealthily to protecting her sister, and harbors some unspoken resentment over this fact, and similarly that Kara has had to contend with her older sister trying to manage her life and control her choices well into adulthood, and harbors some unspoken resentment of her own over that fact -- are touched on somewhat in S1 and S2 and then summarily dropped by the show. As the show went on it became clear that the Danvers sisters relationship was one in which no consequences existed: they could do anything and say anything to each other and by the end of the episode they would have a feel-good Danvers Sisters Couch Scene.

There are flaws in how the Kara & Lena friendship was written but one thing I will praise about it is that every interaction they had mattered and had tangible consequences to their relationship. Kara's massive fuckup re: the kryptonite debacle mattered two seasons later in a show that sometimes struggled to remember what happened in the previous episode. I might object -- strenuously, in fact -- to how their conflict was resolved and framed in S5 but at the very least they didn't outright ignore the things that happened between them. When one of them did something that hurt the other, that impacted the relationship. This is in sharp contrast to how the Danvers sisters relationship is written from around S3 onwards.

Two story beats in particular really stand out to me here. Firstly, there's the S4 plotline in which Alex forgets that Kara is Supergirl -- which is an actually rather clever storyline with some great emotional beats...while it lasts. Then Alex gets her memories back and it's like nothing ever happened. People complain a lot about the writing of Once Upon a Time, and rightly so, but at least on that show, when characters had their core memories magically erased/replaced with other memories, and then had their original memories returned to them a season or half a season later, it actually affected their characters. They had to grapple with who they were with their fake memories, and who they were with their real ones, and which self they liked better, and which aspects of their selves they wanted to embody going forward. Not so with Alex Danvers. If you watched S5 without having seen S4 you would not know she spent the last half season not knowing that Kara was Supergirl.

Secondly, and even more egregiously to me, is the events of 5.08 "The Wrath of Rama Khan" and the emotional aftermath, which is to say, the complete lack of an emotional aftermath. Not only does Alex spend a good chunk of 5.08 wanting/trying to nuke Kara's best friend -- which is significantly worse than anything Lena does to any of Kara's friends, and you can imagine that if Lena had indeed done anything on that level then the show never would've had Kara let it pass without comment -- but she manipulates Kara in the process, and specifically in a way that echoes one of Kara's fundamental traumas from her backstory. By using Kara's genuine attempt to reach out to Lena as a Trojan horse to lower Lena's shields (so, again, she can point a nuke at her), she not only thoroughly sabotages any possibility of trust and reconciliation between Kara and Lena for the foreseeable future, she also uses Kara in the same way that Alura used Kara to capture Astra, which Kara was rightfully furious and heartbroken about when she found out about it.

In the hands of better writers, this could've been a stroke of storytelling genius, the catalyst for the long-awaited collapse of the Danvers sisters relationship that was so desperately needed so that they could build it back up again from a better foundation. But you've seen the show, you know what happened: Kara barely blinked. Alex might as well have just eaten the last hot pocket instead of, you know, betrayed Kara like her mother did in order to nuke her best friend, for all that Kara reacted to it. To me, that was the ultimate death knell for the Danvers sisters relationship, the moment that cemented once and for all that this was not a relationship in which actions had consequences or in which anything the characters said or did to each other mattered in any way. So...why should I care?

And thirdly and finally, my hydrogen bomb of an unpopular opinion: I don't like Cat Grant. Which is nuts, because I SHOULD like her on paper. Her character archetype is usually my FAVORITE character in a line-up. Cordelia Chase, the self-proclaimed "nastiest girl in Sunnydale history," is and has always been, from Episode 1 of Buffy, my favorite Buffyverse character. (And my second favorite female Buffyverse character is Lilah Morgan, who is basically just "Cordelia but an evil lawyer".) Regina George is an indisputable legend no matter what bizarre format they turn Mean Girls into next, and I always root for her and am kinda sad when Cady successfully sabotages her. Regina Mills of Once Upon a Time fame is even more of an indisputable legend, a badass mass-murdering HBIC who took no bullshit and coddled no bitches. Miranda Priestly, on whom Cat Grant is clearly based, is an amazing, iconic film character -- and despite what Supergirl 5.01 "Event Horizon" would have you believe, she was not the '''villain''' of The Devil Wears Prada. Discworld's Granny Weatherwax is one of the greatest characters ever written and is also, like, my idol. I love me a good bad bitch. So...why don't I like Cat Grant?

Part of it is that I don't find her as purely entertaining as a lot of the other characters on this list -- I just don't think the Supergirl writers were skilled enough to craft a character who is mean in a way that delights and amuses me as opposed to rubbing me the wrong way. I think she is frequently cruel in a way that I just personally struggle to find humorous or iconic, particularly given her status as Kara's boss, and it doesn't help that Kara often seems so affected by Cat and invested in what she thinks of her. I think if Kara were written in a way that gave her more power in their interactions, where she didn't truly need or care about her job at CatCo and thus, while she might not snark back at Cat in the workplace, she was also unaffected by Cat's barbs, I wouldn't mind their interactions so much. (This is why I enjoy Andrea and Kara's back-and-forth much more -- they seem to genuinely be on equal footing.) But the way Kara and Cat's dynamic is written, Cat really does have all the power, and the fact that she often uses it to emotionally terrorize Kara grates on me.

One of my biggest gripes with Cat is how so much of the '''humor''' around her character is her deliberately mispronouncing people's names. And, uh, as someone with a non-Anglo name, I don't think that's fucking funny! (And once Cat realizes Kara is Supergirl, I actually think it becomes extra ghoulish to do this, since she must then surely also realize that "Kara" is a name given to her by her dead family from her near-extinct culture. Like I know this is just a case of the writers not thinking the implications through, we're not meant to look so deeply into it, but the implications are really bad.)

Consequently, I don't think it's '''sweet''' when Cat finally deigns to call Kara by her actual fucking name at the end of S1. That moment honestly reminds me so much of that time in S1 of "The Good Place" (aka back when I liked "The Good Place" lol) when Eleanor repeatedly mispronounces "Senegal"/can't bother to remember that's where Chidi grew up, and then at the end of the episode she's like, "I have a present for you: Senegal." And Chidi is like, "Um, that's not a present, that's basic human decency." Like...exactly!!! Cat pronouncing Kara's name correctly is the bare minimum, it is not something that Kara should have had to earn, and it is extremely grating to me that the show itself seems to think otherwise.

Which ties back to one of my fundamental problems with Cat Grant, which is the framing of her character. All the other characters I listed above are framed as very complicated characters (Granny Weatherwax, Regina Mills, Miranda Priestly, Cordelia Chase eventually) or as outright antagonists (Regina George, Cordelia Chase in S1 of Buffy, Lilah Morgan, Regina Mills as well because she contains multitudes). Their status as difficult, proud, not-very-nice women is part of their complexity and/or antagonism, and as a defender of women who are not very nice, I gravitate to them in all their messiness. To quote phoukanamedpookie, one of my favorite meta writers, in this excellent post: "I genuinely find ['difficult' female characters] likable, often specifically because the narrative doesn’t tell me that I’m supposed to like them." (Emphasis mine.)

But you ARE supposed to like Cat Grant. And Cat Grant is not actually portrayed as particularly complex -- she is instead framed as an aspirational feminist role model for Kara. I wouldn't go so far as to say that her meanness is not portrayed as a flaw at all, but I think it's telling that every time the show allows Kara to actually get mad at her for her cruelty, the episode ends with Cat giving some speech about how women have it harder than men and Kara realizes that actually Cat, by being mean to her, was being a great feminist girlboss mentor the whole time. Which, like. What. And there's a scene where Cat talks about the double standards between men and women and she complains that Perry White can get away with throwing chairs at his employees but people call her a bitch or whatever. And, like, double standards are real, I'm with you there girlie, but, you verbally abuse and disrespect your employees on the daily, often to the point of tears, and you still have your high-powered influential well-paying job -- what more do you want?

There's a great line in the Mean Girls musical -- which is weird to type out, because it is not on the whole a very well-written musical -- where at the end, Regina tells Cady, "I know I was harsh. And people say I’m a bitch. But you know what they would call me if I was a boy?” And Cady enthusiastically chimes in with, "Strong." And Regina says, "Reginald." That line is so stellar precisely because it acknowledges the double standards while also poking fun at the obviously false idea that Regina was actually some kind of amazing feminist this whole time. That sense of humor about her status as a 'mean girl' is what I think was missing from the framing of Cat Grant -- we're meant to really take her seriously as a character who is legitimately a good mentor and feminist, whose critics truly are just sexist.

Which leads me to another major issue I have with Cat's character. Supergirl as a whole is very much in line with, like, 2012-era pop White Feminism™. It never really stops being like this; even when it tries to pivot to discussing other issues, it never goes beyond mainstream understandings of those issues to make any serious structural critiques, even when it doesn't get mired down in allegories that don't quite work and trip over its own feet in the process -- presumably because said structural critiques would call into question the fundamental assumptions upon which the show is built. (Much love to Azie and the effort she and J. Holtham put into 6.12 "Blind Spots", which was easily the show's best attempt at tackling any social issue, but by nature of only being one episode, it could not result in meaningful structural changes to how the Superfriends operate beyond "thinking about racism more", and the episode ends with a promotion of Robin DiAngelo's insufferable pop anti-racism self-help book White Fragility aka my villain origin story.)

That being said -- I think S1 and S2 are kind of the worst offenders when it comes to Supergirl's pop white feminism, not necessarily because the show gets any better about it later (although it was surely an improvement when they actually started incorporating women of color into the main cast starting with Sam Arias in S3), but because S1 and S2 are really fucking obnoxious about it, especially S1. And Cat Grant is THE mouthpiece for Supergirl's shallow, grating, capitalistic, overwhelmingly white understanding of feminism. While the single most cringey pseudo-feminist one-liner in the show is probably Alex's "No touching without consent!" from the series finale, most of the others come from Cat.

Just as an example, there's the bizarre monologue about how Kara is wrong to be offended by the obviously infantilizing name "Supergirl" (in contrast to "Superman"), because Cat is a girl, and girls are cool, and are you saying you don't think girls are cool? If you think it's wrong to call women "girls," you're the real sexist! Or, again, all her speeches about the double standards she's faced in her career -- and yet no interrogation of how Cat herself makes things so much harder for the women working for her (and, largely due to Supergirl's cast line-up at the time, absolutely no lip service given to the fact that women of color have it even harder). Or the egregious line about how Barry, Kara, Winn, and James look like the "attractive but nonthreatening cast of a racially diverse CW show" -- which isn't about feminism but does speak to the show's total lack of self-awareness about its racial makeup. And you could say these are structural problems with the show, not just with Cat, and you'd be right -- but given that Cat is so often situated as the mouthpiece for what the show thinks feminism is, and that we are meant to see her as a wise, progressive mentor, it becomes very difficult to separate her character from those structural problems.

And speaking of having trouble separating my feelings about her character from the structural problems with how the show uses her character...let's talk about Andrea Rojas, and how S6 thoroughly demonizes her with the end-goal of propping Cat Grant up. Andrea Rojas/Acrata is a Mexican hero in the comics; in Supergirl, they randomly make her Argentinian and they introduce her in S5 as more of a grey hat. Then in S6, the demonization begins.

The show (even in S5) emphasizes over and over how obsessed Andrea is with "clicks" and yellow journalism, which the show (and fandom) insists isn't what CatCo Should be about. Except...that was also Cat Grant's vision for CatCo! She also ran the magazine based on celebrity gossip and sensationalized reporting! It was James and Lena who took the magazine in a more serious direction. Andrea is shown to engage in increasingly unethical business practices throughout S6, culminating of course in William's narratively pointless death due in part to her actions, and Cat taking over CatCo again in the last episode is seen as a righting of this wrong (because, you see, Cat cares about turtles now, for some reason). This is despite the fact that Andrea is consistently shown to be a better and kinder boss than Cat was; not only does she actually call people by their real names, but when Nia falls asleep in front of her, Andrea very nicely tells her to take a mental health day. Cat would not have done that! So we have this bizarre storyline where we are meant to see Andrea as essentially this unethical interloper into Cat's rightful position -- even as they have literally the same goals, and even as Andrea is objectively a much better person to work for.

And look, I don't know how Julie Gonzalo identifies racially -- I know enough Argentinians to know that many of them who look like Julie do actually ID as white -- but even if she doesn't identify as a woman of color, the Latina identity is still a deeply racialized one in the United States. And it just does not sit right with me that one of Supergirl's only Latina characters -- and the one who is most consistently and strongly identified with her Latina heritage, and is based on one of DC's few Latina heroes -- gets demonized and 'put in her place' to prop up a blonde white Anglo woman as the one who should 'actually' be in power, even with her history of abusing that power at every turn.

Fandom doesn't help in this regard -- many (NOT all, fandoms are not monoliths) Cat and Supercat fans, and even a significant chunk of Supercorp fans, do NOT like Andrea and consider her much like the show does, as a usurper of the rightful throne of CatCo. I try not to let fandom affect how I view characters if I can help it, but when it's a narrative the show itself falls into, it gets a bit harder. Again, this isn't Cat's fault in-universe, but it is very difficult for me to extricate my feelings about how the storyline played out with my feelings about Cat -- especially since I'm already disinclined to be favorable towards her character. If I already liked her, I'm sure I'd be more forgiving, but, well, I've never claimed to not be a filthy hypocrite.

So yeah. I don't like Cat. Whoops. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

#this got so damn long and i went on so many tangents lol #sideguitars #up up and away

[borathae]

↳ Index [Chapter 35 - Holidays]

Warnings: big sad but also big mad, magical torture, twisted mind games, the crazy continues, Jimin is a sweetheart, Tae honestly deserves a break poor boy, the grief is strong in this one, also there is one scene in this chapter where she tries to eat but gets really revolted by the food and almost throws up from it, I wanted to put a warning for that too because I don’t want to trigger anyone who struggles with an ED or is recovering from one, if you want to skip this scene it begins at the breakfast scene & ends once Tae talks about “his plans”

Wordcount: 11.3k

a/n: i wanted to give joon a redemption arch at one point but tbfh he pissed me off sm in that chapter now i just wanna fight him ahhaha

“Are you still working on the painting?” he asks.

Taehyung lifts his head from the painting. His eyes light up.

“Jiminie! You’re back”, he greets him and stands up to get to him. He wipes his dirtied hands on his pants, “how was the drive?”

“Bad. I outdrove a storm, it’ll come soon”, Jimin says and leans in for a chaste kiss on the lips. Taehyung, however, pulls him close again, hugging him tightly.

“I missed you so much”, he murmurs into the crook of Jimin’s neck, inhaling deeply afterwards to remind his heart how he smells. Orange blossoms and cold air. The once potent scent of blood wasn’t lingering on Jimin anymore these days, now that Namjoon doesn’t regularly force him to hunt humans for fun. Taehyung thinks that Jimin smells so much better these days.

Jimin ruffles the back of Taehyung’s hair, “I missed you too, Tete.”

Taehyung ends the hug by stepping back and running his palms over Jimin’s cheeks in a soft caress. 

“You look handsome.”

Jimin smiles, “thanks and you look…” he runs his eyes up and down Taehyung’s features, “...exhausted.”

Taehyung lowers his eyes, playing with his hair.

“I haven’t slept well lately. ___ wakes up crying out for Yoongi a lot. I am scared to leave her alone, so I stay by her side most nights. I can’t fall asleep because her racing pulse keeps me awake.”

“I see. I’m sorry.”

“I do it gladly. I do not want her to suffer alone.”

“Mhm”, Jimin hums and nods his head, “where is she, Tete?”

“The last I saw of her, she went to Yoongi’s wing.”

“Mhm, of course”, Jimin says and turns his back to Taehyung, “thanks. I’ll talk to her.”

“Mimi?”

“Yes?”

“What did she tell you?”

Jimin’s face turns rather stoic. He studies Taehyung’s features and sighs.

“I’ll tell you later. Yeah?”

“Yes”, Taehyung says and presses out a small, “fuck.”

Jimin leaves Taehyung’s wing and hurries downstairs.

“Jimin, hey.”

He meets Jungkook in the entrance hall. The younger vampire was in the middle of leaving his wing to go to the ballroom gym for a workout. Jungkook works out obsessively these days. It’s the only thing which keeps thoughts from forming in his mind. When he pushes himself to the point where he kneels on the floor retching and gagging from exhaustion, he can’t hurt. He can’t miss Yoongi that way. He can’t worry for his sire and he can’t worry for you slowly killing yourself in an attempt to save your shared love.

It would have been his third workout today and he planned on going for a fourth one later.

“Hey, Kook”, Jimin greets him.

“Since when are you back?” Jungkook asks, jogging up to Jimin.

“I just arrived.”

“I see. What did she say?”

Jimin tightens his jaw and places his hand on Jungkook’s shoulder. He gives him a tight squeeze.

“We should look for ___ first”, he says.

“Is it that bad?”

“Let’s just look for her”, Jimin dismisses him and slides his hand to Jungkook’s wrist. He holds it gently, tugging at it, “come. Tae said she’s in Yoongi’s wing.”

Jungkook follows him with a painful lump in his throat.

“Please tell me. What did she say?”

“We’re almost there.”

“Oh god, it’s bad isn’t it?”

Jimin stays silent. He shoves the heavy door open and leads Jungkook inside. The door to Yoongi’s bedroom is open. Lights shine into the hallways. The two vampires quicken their steps.

Like always, you are sitting by the bed hunched over and with inaudible whispers leaving your lips. They aren’t really inaudible to the sensitive ears of vampires however.

Jungkook and Jimin can hear fractions of “we gotta make sure your nails aren’t too long” and “is the pressure of the file okay for you, my love?”

There are new flowers on the bedside table. The old bouquet is discarded on the floor. It looks sad and rotten.  

New fractions reach their ears. You are putting cream on Yoongi’s hand as you speak, “there we go, now your skin won’t crack in the dry air.”

Jimin and Jungkook look at each other, mirroring the sadness and pity to feel for the situation. Even now you are making sure that Yoongi is well taken care of. You look so tired and exhausted and yet here you are, making sure that he feels comfortable.

You wiggle your fingers between Yoongi’s and squeeze his hand gently. They can hear how you inhale in a shaky sniffle.

“How’s that, my love?” you whisper, swaying your hands from side to side, “it’s getting so cold these days that we have to keep the heaters running. It’s so hard to keep the castle warm”, you say and laugh painfully, guiding his hand to your cheek. You rub your face on it slowly, “you are so cold. Oh my love, you are so cold. You should be warm. Why are you so cold?”

“___?” Jungkook tries quietly, fighting back tears. He can’t bear to watch you. It breaks his heart into a million pieces.

You flinch and for just a second you look out of breath. For only a second however and then you straighten your back and turn. Your eyes are red and glassy, your lips are pressed into a thin line. For only a second because then your eyes fall onto Jimin and they light up.

You place Yoongi’s hand down as gently as possible and get to your feet. You run to him, welcoming him by grabbing both his upper arms.

“And? What did she say?” you begin shaking him, “what did Thea say? Can she help? Does she know what to do? Can she help Yoongi? Tell me. T-talk to me.”

Jimin takes your hands and lowers them.

“___ I-”

“Tell me!” you stress, squeezing his hands. Your eyes are widened and your pupils dilated.

“She said that she never heard of such a spell and that she has no idea what to do.”

“No”, you press out, shaking your head vigorously, “no, you’re fucking lying. No. No! No don’t lie to me. No, she knows what to do.”

“___”, Jungkook presses out with tears in his eyes and reaches for you. His shaking fingers close around your arms, his face contorts in pain. He pulls you into a hug and sobs into your neck miserably while you still stare at Jimin with widened eyes.

“You’re lying. She didn’t tell you that.”

“I’m sorry she did”, Jimin whispers.

And while Jungkook’s sobs grow in volume, you continue to shake your head. Your face is frozen, showing no ounce of emotion even if your scent is soaked in heartbreak and disappointment.

“Then, then she didn’t look properly. Call her and tell her to look again.”

“___ I don’t think this is going to help.”

“Call her!”

“No”, Jimin throws back, “we had every single witch in Paris involved in finding a cure. Maël called every alpha he knew and none could help. A call won’t do anything.”

“Oh.”

You look away.

Jungkook squeezes you and sobs your name. His body is shaking from how terribly he cries.

You blink for the first time since they entered the room. There are still no tears escaping your eyes.

“Okay”, you say, “okay, that’s okay. Fine. Then I’ll uhm”, you seem lost for a second. Jimin can see it in your eyes, “I’ll just…just…uhm”, you look away, “the potions! Yeah I’ll, I’ll just make potions. Yes, that’s what I’ll do”, you say and without looking at him once, wiggle yourself out of Jungkook’s hug.

You look over your shoulder at Yoongi. Both Jungkook and Jimin can actually hear how one of your heartstring breaks. It sounded painful. Both their chest ached because of it.

“I’ll just do that”, you whisper and turn to leave without looking at them. They can see how your hand lifts to wipe at your eyes when you are by the door and then you must hide yourself with magic because they can’t hear you anymore.

Jungkook turns to Jimin. The older vampire studies his tearstained face. Jungkook’s lips turn downwards and begin to tremble.

“Do you want a hug?”

“Yeah”, Jungkook whimpers and falls into Jimin’s open arms.

You will be gone for two days. No attempt to find or contact you will be successful. You will return without explanations, you will silently eat the food they prepare and then you will lock yourself in the library again. The answer to where you had been and what you had done won’t ever leave your lips.

They honk their car as they arrive. You can hear it from the study. It’s a surprise that they arrived so early. The snow storm is at its worst today. It was better yesterday, but is awful today.

You can hear them talk outside. You already hate what will follow. You don’t want to be disturbed. You can’t stop. Not now. You are almost finished with the chapter.

A knock on the door lets you know that your worst nightmare is becoming reality. The door opening makes it real. You lower your head to the book. You are almost finished. Why did they have to come now?

“Happy Holidays”, Seokjin is the one to speak first, walking into the room in big steps.

Emma follows with a bouquet made out of conifer tree branches and rose hips. The smell disgusts you. It smells good. Why would they bring you something good?

“Happy Holidays ___”, Emma singsongs only to get stopped by Seokjin with a hand on her shoulder. They exchange a knowing look.

“Hey”, you dismiss them with a flick of your wrist. You flip the page.

“The uhm, drive was smoother than we thought it would be”, Seokjin says.

You don’t answer him, flipping the pages and scribbling something into your papers. You won’t be able to decipher it ever again because of your cramping hand messing up the letters.

“How are you doing?” Seokjin asks.

“Good.”

“Yeah? You seem…”

You lift your eyes in warning.

“…tired”, Seokjin says and smiles worriedly, “did you work a lot today?”

You look at the watch. Well fuck. It’s ten past nine already. You started work seventeen hours ago. And you didn’t get anything? No new spells? No new revelations? Nothing? Fuck. You rip the page at its corner as you flip it angrily. The words are so blurry in your eyes, but you blink it away.

“I didn’t. I only just started”, you murmur, forgetting all about them in the room. At least you hope to do so.

“Well uhm”, Seokjin touches the side of his neck in slight helplessness, “we are planning to unpack and then have dinner with the others. Can we count you in?”

“Yeah, yeah. I’ll join you”, you dismiss him, not meaning a word of it.

Emma and Seokjin exchange a look.

“Well then, we’ll see each other soon?”

“Mhm yeah.”

They leave the room and won’t see you for the rest of the evening. You forget about them the moment the door closes and won’t think of them again. You will fall asleep on your desk that night until you wake again four hours later and start your search anew.

The air is warm and smells of roses. The sound of a fountain is filling your ears. You are in the greenhouse. Somewhere a piano is playing. You know the melody instantly. It is the melody Yoongi used to accompany the sweet words in his notebook. You remember when he sang them to you quietly and shyly in the dim and calm morning when people were waking up from the witches’ party. It was the morning you and Yoongi were so incredibly drunk at Meredith’s place. You and Yoongi just finished loving each other and were talking in bed about the comfort of being with each other when Yoongi had an idea. He decided to hurry downstairs to get his guitar and then he drunkenly performed Your Song in nothing but his long shirt. He was so endearing back then. The melody is coming from outside. Right behind those golden doors. You set off to run the moment you realise what was happening.

You throw yourself against the golden doors, stumbling through them and right into his wing. Your mind doesn’t take in the illogicality of the layout. You are just happy to finally see him again. The light bulbs are changed. It is finally bright in here. The melody is so loud in your ears.

“My prince!” you call out, crying tears of happiness, “my prince, you’re awake!”

The music room is open. You stumble into it. The lights are on, illuminating him from behind. His skin is golden in life.

“Yoongi!”

He lifts his head.

The music stops.

His eyes soften and his lips curl into a warm smile.

“You’re finally here. I was waiting for you”, he says.

You don’t understand what he means by that, but you don’t want to ask. Yoongi is back. He is finally back.

“Yoongi, my beloved Yoongi”, you press out and barely manage to get to him. Blinded by your tears and limps overtaken by happiness, all you want to do is break down and cry for hours, “you are finally back.”

Yoongi reaches for you, “come here”, he says, opening his arms for you. His fingers are so close to intertwining with yours. So close.

“My love I-”

Darkness drags him away within a second. Strong, invisible hands drag you into the opposite direction of wherever he loses himself in. You screech his name, but too late. The hands are dragging you away and Yoongi disappears in darkness.

You flinch awake.

“No!” you scream, lifting your arm to throw whoever touched you across the room.

“It’s me. It’s just me”, Taehyung blurts out, stumbling back quickly.

“Taehyung”, you lower your arm, “no. No, why would you wake me? I didn’t- for once I- for once I didn’t feel anything.”

“You, you didn’t?” Taehyung’s voice breaks in heartbreak, “darling, you just passed out in the middle of the hallway. W-what do you mean you, you didn’t feel- oh god”, Taehyung bites down on his tongue. He is so heartbroken. He thought that loosing Jimin will be the most pain he could ever feel, but watching you destroy yourself like that hurts just as much. He was on his way to your wing when he saw your passed out form lying lifelessly in the middle of the hallway. Your heart was barely beating and your lungs barely took in air. And so he shook you and begged you until you finally flinched awake.

“What are you talking about?” you hiss, “I was with Yoongi for once. Why would you wake me?”

Taehyung shakes his head, “no you weren’t. You were dying. Your heartbeat was barely there.”

“No I was- he was- no I was with him”, you sit up, “holy fuck, I was with him.”

“No, you weren’t! Whatever you saw was death reaching out for you.”

“Holy shit”, you can’t even hear what Taehyung is telling you, “shit, I wasted so much time. I need to get back to my research”, you say, peeling yourself up even if everything hurts.

“Please don’t go”, Taehyung begs, holding you by your shoulders. You don’t notice it, but he is the only reason why you are even standing in the first place.

“I need to get to the library. Yeah, I think I’ll go now. The storm’s not that bad”, you talk to yourself, eyes already glued to the far, far away front door.

“No, you need to stay here please”, Taehyung begs, stepping to the side as you are trying to flee. He blocks your way like that.

“Taehyung let me pass. I’m totally fine.”

“No, you are not. You are going to actually die if you go out into this storm.”

“Don’t be ridiculous. I’ll keep myself warm with my magic.”

“You can barely even keep yourself standing. No amount of magic could help you tonight.”

“Taehyung, get out of my fucking way. The library closes in an hour and I need to get the books. Tonight.”

“They will still be there tomorrow.”

“I have to get them tonight, Kim Taehyung. Tonight.”

Taehyung doesn’t know what hurts more. Being addressed by his full name by someone who once called him the sweetest nicknames or knowing that you still continue breaking yourself even if your body already showed you that it was at its limits.

“Please stay with me”, he begs with his voice frail in agony.

“Let go of me, I’m not saying it again.”

“Oh god”, Taehyung croaks and feels as tears fill his eyes, “I’m begging you, just stay with me. Please.”

With a trembling sigh, you watch the tears roll down his cheeks. Clarity comes back to you. What are you doing? You can’t be angry at him. Not Taehyung. He doesn’t deserve it.

“Fine. I’ll stay”, you whisper, “but only if I can sleep in your bed tonight.”

“Yes, please”, he is still begging even now after you promised him to stay, “please, just stay close to me”, he pleads and picks you up to carry you to his wing.

You listen to him talk to Jimin that night. He isn’t aware that you are still awake.

“I can’t take much more, Jimin. She is destroying herself and I am watching helplessly. All I am trying to do fails. I am helpless. And it is breaking me into a million pieces”, Taehyung said that night and then sobbed in Jimin’s arms. You don’t witness when Jimin finally manages to calm him down as you passed out in pure exhaustion before that could happen.

You snap your fingers. The torches flicker on. The chains make a sound as he moves.

Your eyes are pinned to him, not breaking away. They are cold in hatred.

“Well fuck”, he lets out and laughs mockingly, shaking his head, “hello there, little one.”

You tighten your jaw.

“It’s a party upstairs, isn’t it?” he laughs mockingly, “why are you here? Did the others not want you partaking in the festivities?”

You tighten your jaw. It was the night of your winter holiday party tonight. Taehyung hired people to decorate the estate. Seokjin and Emma cooked dinner. They all bought presents for each other, currently celebrating in the big dining hall with the fireplace burning and a big tree loaded with decoration. They didn’t notice when you left. Dinner is almost done so Emma told the group. You should sing karaoke in the meantime so Hoseok suggested. It feels like mockery to you. Offensive mockery. How could they celebrate when your family wasn’t whole? How could they laugh and sing and dance when Yoongi wasn’t with you? When he was still sick? Their good mood felt like offensive mockery to you. And so you left. Finding yourself in the only place which didn’t make you angry. At least not for the same reasons. Looking at Namjoon fills you with true anger. And hatred. Such hatred.

“What? Did you come to bore me?” Namjoon challenges.

“Funny. How you still think that you can act like a fucking cunt when I clearly have the upper hand.”

Namjoon shows you a lopsided smile, “tell me how is your beloved doing? What was his name again? Ah yes. How is Yoongi doing?”

“Don’t fucking say his name! You know exactly how he is doing! You put him into the state he is in now!” you yell at him, painting victory onto his features. You understand. He has the upper hand. That’s what he wanted to show you with the question. By reacting that emotional you showed him how much power he still has over you.

“Of course. How terribly rude of me to forget”, Namjoon says and smirks gleefully, “so how is the search for a cure going?”

You want to scream at him again, but you shouldn’t. This is exactly what he wants to happen. You already gave him too much power. You bite down on your tongue and straighten your back.

“It’s going very well actually, thank you for asking”, you say as calmly as possible.

“Oh this is wonderful. The little piglet is trying to lie to me”, Namjoon scrunches his nose up in disgusted wonder.

You darken your gaze. He laughs upon watching it happening.

“Oh! I know something fun”, he says, widening his eyes, “let’s play a little game. I call it the guessing game. I guess why you are here and you yell at me. Doesn’t that sound fun?”

“Why are you the way you are?” you say, feeling so…disgusted. You can’t even explain it, but you do. He ignores your question.

“Now. I think that you are here because you are desperate. Desperate for answers as to why I did it”, he pouts, “why did I hurt poor, little Yoongi oh so very much?” he mocks your voice, trying to look as heartbroken as he can.

You clench your hands to fists. Namjoon soaks up the view with hungry eyes.

“And now you are wondering how you could hurt me. But you won’t and you want to know why, little one?” Namjoon steps closer until the chains stretch and his arms are lifted just slightly above his head, “because despite your wonderful hatred for me, you hope that I find it in myself to help you.”

You are very sure that he saw you react in surprise. He figured you out.

“Congratulations on finally realising that you are a witch. It must be exhausting having so much power and no one to guide you. So what better teacher is there than one of the very few, who was present when it was all created?” he runs his eyes up and down your body, “and given how your beloved is currently, well…busy and Yaeji hasn’t shown her face in two centuries, it leaves me”, he straightens up, finally showing you his real size proudly, “tadala.”

You want to hurt him. You really, really do. You want to make him feel the kind of pain you have to feel each and every fucking day.

“Now tell me how right I was. Go on tell me”, Namjoon insists.

“Given how you like to talk big already lets me know that you have no idea how to help me, so this right here was a waste of air”, you spit, turning to leave. If you stay any longer he will actually make you scream again.

“Oh? Ohohoho I hurt your pride”, he coos and laughs, “oh, I’m sorry. Did I step on your little toes, mhm?”

“What do you want?” you hiss, whipping back around to send him a deathly glare, “it’s not like being annoying is going to get you out of that cell.”

“Oh, but I don’t have to get out of this cell. Not when I’m in your little mind day in and out. I’m right where I want to be. Haunting your thoughts.”

You let out a breathy laugh, taking a step back in disbelief.

“What did I do to you? Why do you hate me so much?”

“I don’t hate you, little one. I just love playing with you”, he says with innocent eyes, the kind which taunt you, “you can’t outsmart me, little one. I’ve been one step ahead of you ever since you started your little game of chase. I was in the shadows which kept you awake at night, I lingered in the silence when you thought yourself to be alone, every step you and your pathetic lover took, I already took before you. I am the goddamn master of games and I love to play”, he smiles, “I could do this all day.”

“Yeah? Well, I’m done playing your games. Either you tell me how to get Yoongi out of this mess or I’m leaving again.”

“Now that’s disappointing. Giving up so soon already?” his smile drops mechanically but the amused fire in his eyes stays, “I thought that you had more in you than that. Where is the fighter I love so much, mhm? The woman who clawed at the chair in fear but told her pathetic lover that it wasn’t his fault that he would rip her to shreds? Or the little girl who ran through the dark forest despite knowing that all the running in the world wouldn’t save her from death? Come on ___, give me a challenge.”

“Yeah? And despite all of that I’m still here. So where is the oh so skilful killer everyone sees you as, mhm? You couldn’t kill me all the times you tried. Sounds pretty pathetic to me.”

“But ___, I killed Yoongi.”

The second of victory you felt gets snuffed out and deep, painful hatred replaces it again.

Namjoon smiles brightly, showing you his teeth.

“Oh you are so much fun!” he exclaims and giggles, “you should see your face right now.”

“Fucking die!” you scream.

“Oh?” Namjoon lets out, widening his eyes in honest surprise as sharp pain courses through his head, “that’s interesting”, he laughs, “yes, that’s wonderful. Make my brain explode. How does it feel? How does it feel to hurt another person?”

“Shut up!” you yell, deepening your magic to the point where Namjoon bleeds out of his nose.

“Yes, give me everything. That’s it!” he exclaims, lips curling into a blissed grin. He writhes in pain, eyelids fluttering twice before he focuses his piercing gaze on you again, “it feels amazing doesn’t it? The power that comes with hurting another person is indescribable, isn’t it?”

“Be quiet, you disgust me so fucking much.”

“I disgust you? Ah ___ you are amazing”, he moans, throwing his head back and crying bloody tears, “I can feel it. I can feel my brain liquefying and fighting to heal. Oh it hurts so much”, he laughs, arching his back, “this is wonderful. The power you have, oh the carnage we could cause together if only you’d accept me.”

“Oh my god, be quiet”, you screech, spilling angry tears. You broaden your magic to the rest of his body, thinking about boiling his insides.

Namjoon yelps up, tugging at the magical chains holding him hostage.

“I hate you so much. I want you to die!”

“Yes, sweet girl yes!” Namjoon’s voice is muffled by the blood spilling out of his mouth, “hate me. Loathe me. Fucking crave my death! This is how it starts”, he growls, bloodied eyes focused on you in mad pleasure, “this is how it fucking starts”, he laughs and moans, knees buckling in weakness now that you are burning his lungs, “how I want you”, he chokes out, eyes focused on your face, “I could make you my equal. Together we could rule this world! He made you his princess? I could make you my queen!” he roars, “beautiful and twisted and dark as the night. My queen of carnage and suffering! Accept me ___!”

“Shut up!” you scream.

He starts gasping and coughing, unable to speak and you love it. You love that he doesn’t talk back anymore, finding comfort in the way he writhes in fight for air. You love that for just a second you have power over him. You are holding your hand over the flames of his life and with just one movement you could suffocate it and him right with it. You are the master of this game and you decide how it ends.

Namjoon lifts his eyes and smiles in understanding.

You stumble back. Your magic stops.

Namjoon gasps, growing big again now that pain isn’t dragging him down anymore.

“Yes!” he screams at you, laughing menacingly, “yes sweet girl yes! This was marvellous! Now tell me! Tell me how wonderful it felt to hold my life in your hands! Tell me!”

“Shut up!”

“Tell me how it felt to watch my creations die for your experiments. I bet you must have been so heartbroken about your failure and yet deep down it felt wonderful to know that you rid the earth of one more vermin. Admit it.”

“I’m not admitting anything! I hated it.”

“Don’t lie to me, I can sense when you do!”

“Well you are wrong. I hated every second of it.”

“Why are you lying? Why are you pretending as if you didn’t love it?”

“Because I didn’t!”

“Yes you did! Pain and death. Those things fuel you, admit it!”

“There is nothing to admit. If you hadn’t hurt Yoongi, I would have never turned into who I have to be.”

“Have to be?” Namjoon laughs, “you have to be nothing. You decided to let your pathetic grief turn you into an artist.”

“An artist?”

“Art, sweet girl. Pain, death, misery. It’s the most beautiful art a person can create. Oh to watch a person go from laughably confident to desperately pleading until heartbroken acceptance washes over them as they finally realise that death is imminent”, Namjoon pauses to writhe in pleasure, “it’s the most magnificent artwork one can create and you?” he gives you a lopsided smile, “you have potential for greatness.”

“You are disgusting.”

“Another lie.”

“I’m not lying! Stop it! I’m not lying!” you scream even if that makes him laugh.

“Of course you are. Lying to me, yourself, your friends. You pretend to be the good girl of the past, but you and I both know that you have long become an image of me.”

“No, I haven’t!”

“Of course you have, that is why you get off on killing my creations.”

“I’m not getting off on it.”

"Yes, you are. You love it. You love it so very much.”

“No, you are lying! You, you are saying all of that because you don’t know what else to say.”

“You loved it!” he yells at you, “admit it, little one. You loved it!”

“Yes! Yes, I fucking loved it!” you scream at him, stepping so close that you can smell the toxic stench of his blood, “each and every time I watched another one of your ugly rats die I fucking loved it! I can’t kill you, but at least I can rid the earth of your disgusting little creations and find comfort in the fact that one day you will be the only one left and then you will know that you have finally lost!”

Namjoon smiles, eyes flitting to your lips.

“See?” he rasps, “it wasn’t that hard to admit, was it?”

You stumble back with your heart aching in your chest. You touch your chest, feeling hot tears roll down your cheeks.

“Oh?” Namjoon watches it happening and pulls a grimace of faux worry, “how does he always say? Ah yes! Don’t cry, my princess.”

“Be quiet! Please!” you try to scream at him, but you end up sobbing, “I hate you! Die! Die! Die!” you screech, using every single painful spell you can think of to make him feel what you feel.

“Urgh”, Namjoon lets out, folding in on himself from the pain.

“Die! I hate you so much! You ruined everything!” you yell, kicking his stomach as your magic continues to distort his insides.

Namjoon groans, fighting the chains fruitlessly. The Unbreaking Shackles keep him from winning.

“Yes! Feel the pain! It hurts so much doesn’t it? Feel it!” you screech with mania in your eyes.

“What are you doing?”

You turn upon hearing the shocked voice behind you. Jimin is standing in the threshold, widened eyes racing between you and Namjoon’s writhing body.

“What are you doing here?” you throw back, stumbling back from Namjoon.

“I heard screaming so I thought I’d check it out. What the hell are you doing?”

“Cooking his intestines”, you pant and wheeze, squeezing the tears out of eyes.

“Uuuh…”

You whip around to hit Namjoon’s arm, “shut the fuck up! Stop moaning, you ugly cunt!” you yell at him.

“Impressive, but also what the fuck?” Jimin says.

“What?” you challenge him, “do you have pity for that monster?”

“N-no but still.”

“Urgh, you just ruined this moment. It’s no fun anymore”, you grumble, stopping the spell with a snap of your fingers.

Namjoon groans, throwing up black goo everywhere. He is heaving for air afterwards, body tangling from the chains weakly. You send him one last deathly glare and then turn to stomp out of the room. The torches die out, engulfing the room in pitch black darkness. You bump shoulders with Jimin as you pass him, making him stumble because he didn’t expect it even if he is able to see in the dark.

He catches himself soon enough, hurrying after you.

“You’re really fucking weird lately. Since when are you one for torture?”

“You don’t get to tell me what I can or can’t do”, you hiss, almost throwing the door closed on him if he hadn’t caught it before that could happen. Jimin slips into the dark first prison, eyes glued to the back of your head.

“I never said that, but I can still tell you that you’re different.”

“Thanks, losing your boyfriend does that to you.”

“Yeah well, not all is lost. You still have the others and they are waiting for you upstairs.”

“Let them wait.”

The prison door falls closed behind Jimin. Your initial plan was to take the path to your left and disappear in the tunnels, but you can’t do that now with Jimin tailing you like an annoying shadow. So you take the path to your right, clenching your jaw because your plans were all ruined.

“Where are you going now?”

“Away.”

“Are you aware that we made dinner?”

“So? I told you that I’ll eat later.”

“Why not now?”

“Because I’m not hungry.”

“Yeah you are. I can smell it.”

You scoff and ignore him.

“___”, Jimin says loudly.

You keep walking.

“___ hey!”

You keep walking.

Jimin appears in front of you.

“I’m fucking talking to you.”

“Yeah, sadly.”

“You’re not fucking funny when you’re like this”, Jimin hisses, “get a grip, for real.”

“Leave me alone.”

“Why? So you can go around torturing people again?”

“Urgh”, you growl angrily, thinking of someplace else. You disappear. Or so you think as seconds later, Jimin stumbles into your body after getting dragged with you through the portal.

“What are you doing?” you hiss, taking a step back.

“Oh god”, Jimin groans and bends forward to gag loudly, “I’m gonna be sick urgh”, he retches, holding his own stomach. 

“Why did you touch me? I wanted to be alone.”

Jimin lifts his finger, signalling you to give him a moment. He gulps, taking a deep breath afterwards. 

“I fucking hate portals”, he murmurs and shudders, “urgh that was the worst.”

“That’s what you get for grabbing me like that.”

“Grabbing you like that? Excuse me, I was merely trying to get you to stay.”

“Well I didn’t want to stay. I wanted to be alone.”

“Yeah. I can see that”, Jimin says, looking around himself.

You are in the middle of the forest, surrounded by snowy conifer trees and leafless scrubs. 

“It’s your fault. I was trying to get to the lake, but you interrupted my signals”, you say, stomping off into the direction of the estate. At least you hope that this is where it is.

“Your signals?” Jimin follows, “what? Like a GPS?”

“Basically.” 

He snorts, “well, I’m sorry for messing up your magical GPS. It won’t happen again.”

“Tch.” 

Jimin dodges a low hanging branch. A little bit of snow drips onto his shoulder because of it. 

“Where are you going?” he asks you.

“Back. It’s cold.”

“Exactly. Couldn’t you have teleported us to somewhere warmer?”

“Be quiet.”

Jimin watches you fight off some shrubs. You stomp off confidently once you won. 

“___, where are you going?” he calls after you.

“The estate obviously.”

“___!”

You ignore his call. He is so annoying.

“___!”

“What?” you whip around.

“The estate’s this way”, Jimin says, pointing over his shoulder. 

You huff out air, stomping into the direction of where he is pointing. You avoid his eyes, not wanting him to know that you were embarrassed by your mistake.  

Jimin follows you. On any other day he would have teased you about your mistake, but not today. You look tired and stressed and, quite frankly, broken by the world and Jimin knows better than to tease you. You aren’t yourself, so making mistakes was prone to happen. 

“Really quick question. Why aren’t you opening another portal?” he asks you. He isn’t cold, but can see that you are shivering. 

“Because it’s not that easy. My magic needs time to charge up again.”

“Well, maybe slow down and you’ll have more energy.”

“I can’t. I’ve already wasted so much time. I wanted to read the book today. Yeah, the one book. Stupid idea. Why did I teleport? I have to read the book.”

“___”, Jimin tries, taking your hand.

“What?” you hiss at him, letting him pull you back closer to him.

He takes off his jumper.

“The fuck are you doing?” you ask him, running your eyes up and down his exposed torso, “you’re stripping? Now?”

“Here”, Jimin says, pushing the jumper against your chest, “put it on, you’re shivering.”

“Oh, uhm”, you eye the blue sweater then his face. He seems determined to give it to you. “Thanks”, you mumble, accepting the jumper to pull it over your head. You feel warmer instantly.

“Sure.”

Jimin sets off, lifting his feet high to manoeuvre through the high snow successfully. You follow him. He looks unaffected by the cold.

“Are you sure that this is the way back?”

“Yes, I can hear the music coming from there. Tae’s playing the violin. Not like you care.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“You know exactly what I meant”, Jimin says, sneaking a glance your way. At least you are walking normally instead of running like a stressed deer. “I’m going to tell you the same thing you told me all those months ago. Tae loves you, so stop being an asshole to him.”

“I’m not being an asshole, the fuck?”

“Yeah you are. You think your whole entire I gotta save the world no matter what act doesn’t hurt him?”

“I’m not- this is not an act. I have to save Yoongi, don’t you get it?”

“I do, oh trust me, I do. If Tae was the one in a magical coma, I’d move heaven and hell to get him back, but you’re losing yourself and with it you are hurting Tae.”

“Tae understands that I have to do it. He’s helping me, isn’t he?”

“He’s only helping you because he’s scared that if he didn’t, you’d work yourself to death”, Jimin hisses with his voice slightly raised, “can you just for once pull your stubborn head outta your ass and think? You were so good at seeing things from other people’s perspective in the past. Where’s that empathy now?”

“Don’t…” you have to gulp, “don’t say that.”

Jimin pauses upon hearing the honest and utter hurt in your voice. He stops while you continue walking.

“Hey ___” he runs after you.

“I have empathy. I, I care for other people. I care. I do care. I care”, you are lost in repeating the same sentence over and over again, “I care. I care. I, I do care. I-I’m not- I’m not like him. I care.”

“Hey”, he tries again, touching your hand.

You flinch, looking scared for just a second before anger replaces it.

“Leave me alone”, you hiss, moving your hand away.

“What’s wrong?” he asks.

“As if you cared.”

“I do. I care”, Jimin insists and takes a cautious step closer, “I care.”

The honesty in his voice gives you enough reassurance that whatever you said, he will take seriously. And so you speak.

“He said that I’m turning into him. And, and that he killed-”, you can’t continue, “-I’m sorry, I can’t.”

“He lied”, Jimin says, “you are neither turning into him nor did he kill Yoongi. He lied.”

“No, he knew everything I wanted to say and, and why I visited him in the first place and, and he knew that I lied when I said that, that,”, you look at Jimin, remembering that he had no idea about what you have been doing in the tunnels, “it doesn’t matter.”

“Yes it does”, Jimin says, placing his hand on your upper arm, “Namjoon is abusive and manipulative. He will find the stuff which upsets you the most and he will use it against you until you feel like screaming. Whatever he said to you was nothing but his fucked up way of abusing you emotionally.”

“But he was right. In some parts he was right”, you whisper shakily, “when I hurt him I, I felt victorious. I liked it, Jimin”, you whimper, “I liked it.”

“I mean. Who wouldn’t enjoy a good torturing session with him? I sure as hell know that I’d have a bloody blast if I ever got the chance to do all the things he did to me. But that doesn’t mean you are turning into him.”

“I don’t know.”

“___ believe me”, Jimin cups your face, “I know firsthand how it feels to come out of a conversation with Namjoon. He had his fangs in you the whole time and bullshitted the ever living shit out of you.”

You lower your head.

“But that’s nothing to be ashamed of”, he says, tilting your head up again. He gives you a comforting, empathetic smile, “you came out of that conversation. That’s all that matters.”

“Fuck”, you let out, feeling so incredibly weak, “I’m so goddamn tired”, you confess and with a gentle push, escape Jimin’s grasp.

He watches you continue your defeated walk back to the estate, jogging to catch up with you once you are just far enough away from him.

“You know, if you want to talk-“

“I don’t want to talk anymore”, you interrupt him, “I just wanna get back to the estate and read the damned book.”

“Or perhaps the book could wait and you want to join us for dinner?” Jimin suggests, earning himself a dark look from you, “fine. No more talking.”

The estate is just in sight. Maybe nothing more than eight centimetres of size in your eyes’ view and with its illuminated windows looking like golden dots against the otherwise grey canvas. The walk is still long. Too long. Ending at the same place and situation you have found yourself in for too many weeks. Hopelessness and impasses.

You never should have visited Namjoon. Why did you think that he would help you? That he would be willing to give you answers? You are such a stupid woman sometimes.

“You know that night Yoongi talked to me was actually the night I wanted to leave you guys.”

You sneak a glance at Jimin. There are flakes of snow in his raven hair. They look like stars on the night sky.

“Didn’t we agree on no talking?” you ask him.

“It’s a nice story. You want to hear it, trust me.”

“Fine, then tell me.”

“I was pissed. So goddamn fucking pissed at the fact that I was losing Tae to you guys”, he laughs at himself at that sentence.

“If this is gonna be a story about how you found redemption, I don’t want to hear it.”

“Just listen.”

“I am.”

“Yoongi came to my room that night. I was so pissed at first. Pissed and angry and, and…scared? Yeah, I guess I was really scared too. Because holy fuck, Yoongi’s in my room and I’m fucking alone with him, lost all my strength and I’d been provoking him ever since I returned, surely he was finally here to kill me.”

Jimin takes a deep breath. 

“But he didn’t. He didn’t even yell at me. He just looked at me, then the suitcase I was packing and then he asked me what I was doing. So I told him that I was planning to leave because you all piss me off.” Jimin sneaks a glance at you, “sorry, I was being a dick.”

“It’s fine.”

He looks back at the trail.

“What happened next?” you ask quietly because you wanted to know more. Something you didn’t know about Yoongi yet. Something to keep him alive. Even if it just in stories.

“Nothing. He just looked at me. He looked at me for such a long time that I grew almost furious. Why was he looking at me? Does he want to turn me mad before hurting me? That’s what I thought. And I wanted to yell at him, but before I could, he talked. He walked to my bed, sat down at the edge of it and asked me why I treated Tae the way I did when I promised him love.”

Jimin’s breath shudders as he exhales, his hands close to fists. 

“And I stared. I stared at him and I didn’t know what to say. And, and my chest ached so much because he asked me something so many people asked me before, but it was him who asked it. Yoongi.”

Jimin blinks rapidly.

“Maybe it doesn’t make any sense to you, but when he asked that question my behaviour with Tae became so painfully real to me. Yoongi never cared about Tae or me or our relationship. Well, at least he pretended not to care. But now he was sitting here in my room, on my bed, and he asked me such an important question. And, and everything ached so much because of it.”

He pauses for a moment. The snow crunches under your feet. You can feel its effect on your skin as it falls from the sky, but you stay cold to it.

“And I told him that I had no idea. I wanted to call him names and tell him to piss off, but I didn’t. I just spoke the truth. That I didn’t know why I treated him like I did. And Yoongi merely nodded his head and hummed and then he was silent again.”

He holds your hand to help you over a high heap of snow, holding your hand on the way down as well. He lets go afterwards, but the warmth of his touch still remained on your skin.

“And it frightened me so much that, that I continued to speak. I told him that I can only get Tae to stay with me if I acted the way I did and Yoongi scoffed and told me that suffocating him will one day end in his fondness for me to suffocate right with him. And he was so right and, and it pissed me off so much. So I called him an asshole and Yoongi looked at me and sighed as if he was disappointed in me.”

He scoffs in amusement. 

“And that pissed me off even more, because I, I was being held responsible by Yoongi and that scared me so much. So I told him to stop being nosy and to piss off and Yoongi didn’t say anything, he let me finish my asshole rant. He nodded his head. And then there was silence again and I’m telling you by that point I wanted to cry because it felt like he was torturing me. He, he was supposed to come here to kill me, to be mean to me and to explode like he always did and now he was talking to me. Normally. Patiently. Respectfully. While I called him names. And it hurt so much because I felt so respected while being so disrespectful in return. And that hurt so much. And then he talked again. I remember it clearly.”

He looks at you. You stop. Jimin stops. The snowfall continues.

“He looked into my eyes and told me that despite his distaste for me, he understood why I acted the way I did. And that he was sorry for what Namjoon did to me.”

Jimin breaks eye contact, letting his eyes race over the endless sky. The snow hits his face, but he stays unaffected by it.

“And then he told me that it was my decision to leave, but shall I choose to stay, I could live with the knowledge that Namjoon will never get to me again because he was there to protect me, just like he was there to protect all of you guys.”

He sniffles.

“And then he said that he hoped that one day he and I could finally stop fighting because he doesn’t want my harm, he just wants me to heal from what I’ve been through.”

He listens to the small whimper you let out and feels himself become sad as well. 

“He did tell me that I was acting like a big asshole at some point in that conversation, just so we’re clear. He didn’t lose all of his gruff”, he jokes in hopes of turning your whimper into a laugh. 

It works. Partially. As it was of incredibly sad nature, just as your scent was soaked in it. So he tries to cheer you up by nudging you with his elbow. It elicits another chuckle and for your eyes to lock with his. Your smile fades out slowly, your eyes race between his’. 

“Why did you tell me this?” you ask quietly.

“I don’t know. I just thought that maybe you wanted to know a story about him you didn’t know yet.”

An honest smile brushes your face just as quick as a breath of wind does a tree. Sad and aching yearning remains.

“I did”, your voice is barely present, “thank you, Jimin…I guess”, you lower your eyes, “I guess, I don’t know”, you whisper.

Jimin places his hand on your arm, making you look at him. His eyes carry understanding comradery.

“I miss him too”, he whispers, “you will get him back, I promise you.”

“I don’t know anymore.”

“Don’t think about what Namjoon said. He was the manipulative cunt he always is. You will reunite with Yoongi.”

“What if-“

“No ifs. There are no ifs. Only when”, he interrupts you, “call me a hopeless romantic, but from what I have learned from living for too many lifetimes, there are certain people meant to meet and be together. And you two are such people.”

“What, like soulmates?” you ask mockingly. There would have been a time in your life where such words would have melted you into a puddle of giddiness. But not anymore. Nothing can melt the iciness you feel each passing day. You just find mocking in the warmth.

“Call it however you want. But I know. I know that no matter where or when you guys would have been born, you would have always found each other.”

You listen. The thought hurts. That no matter how long or short it would have taken the two of you to find each other, you would have. It hurts so much because he isn’t here anymore.

“I just don’t…feel that anymore.”

“Oh be quiet���, Jimin says, giving your arm a squeeze, “I have known Yoongi for almost three centuries, but not once has someone managed to make him commit to more than just a quick fling, let alone turn his emotions on. But you did. Three thousand years and then you come along and make him feel. Feel so greatly that he is laughing and smiling and thinking about life. And if that isn’t proof enough that no matter what happens, the two of you will end up together, then I’ll be fucking damned.”

“I feel like it’s not possible anymore.”

“You may feel like it now, but that’s your exhausted brain talking. Listen to me. You two will dance in the greenhouse again and hug in the sitting room and, and do whatever cheesy shit you guys do in private. I know it.”

You don’t make a sound as the tears begin to fall. You just let it happen, sinking into yourself before Jimin lets you fall safely against his chest instead. 

“I know it, ___, I know”, he whispers, holding you the entire time you cry that night outside in the noiseless snowfall. 

Consciousness returns to you come morning. You didn’t go to bed after Jimin left you in your bedroom. You left for the library again. The book couldn’t wait. You must have fallen asleep.

You lift your head, flinching in surprise when you finally take in the shadow beside you. Taehyung flinches back, retreating his hand from shaking you by your shoulder.

“It’s only me”, he says, “please don’t hurt me.”

You blink in the bright room. Every inch of your body hurts. Your stomach aches in hunger. You didn’t eat dinner last night. Even if they tried to get you to eat some. You were too upset to feel appetite. The consequences show themselves in the form of a painful stomach cramp.

Taehyung watches you clasp your own stomach and listens to the painful groan you let out.

“Darling, do you want to eat breakfast?” he asks.

“I can’t eat breakfast. I wasted so much time. I need to get back to my research.”

Taehyung watches you as you scramble to your feet to get new books. He follows you. You manage to get as far as five steps and then your knees buckle in weakness. Taehyung circles you, placing his hands on your waist, holding you up that way.

“Eat something first, please”, he tries.

“I’ll do it later. Promise”, you dismiss him, pushing yourself past him.

“No”, Taehyung says and picks you up.

“Hey! What are you doing!? Let me down”, you gasp, growing limp over his shoulder in pure exhaustion.

“You are going to eat your cursed breakfast or so heavens help me.”

“Taehyung, please let me down. I can walk on my own.”

Taehyung does let you down. In the kitchen. Where the others are gathered around the table with a grim and worried expression.

“What are you guys doing here?” you ask them.

“We need to talk”, Seokjin says with his arms crossed in front of his chest.

“Okay?”

“You have to eat”, Jungkook says, pointing at the food presented on the table.

Taehyung pushes you down on a chair, placing himself beside you to take watch.

“We won’t leave this room until you ate”, Seokjin says sternly.

Leftovers from yesterday’s dinner are waiting for you. Right next to a plate of pancakes. The edges are slightly burned and someone drew a heart on them with chocolate syrup.

You lift your head, staring at Taehyung. His head is lowered, his gaze shy. He is even fumbling with his thumbs, gnawing on his lower lip.

“Did you cook that?” you ask him.

“Yes, I did and I worked very hard on them, so please eat them. And the leftovers, they taste so good. You have to try them. Please.”

With a trembling sigh, you look back at the pancakes. He did that for you, because he wanted you to feel better. They all did that for you, even if you were acting like a total bitch lately.

You pick up the cutlery and cut into the sweet cakes. They are fluffier inside than they may look outside. The first bite almost melts in your tongue from how delicious they are. 

“And?” Taehyung asks insecurely.

“They’re really good. Thank you so much”, you whisper, feeling close to tears.

You are so stupid for visiting Namjoon last night. Now all you want to do is cry. You worked so hard to get over that phase and now it’s back. You hate this so much. 

Hoseok places a cup of your favourite tea in front of you, sitting down afterwards. Seokjin and Emma join his side. Jungkook sits down opposite of them. Taehyung makes sure that the right amount of milk is in the tea, sitting down next to you.

“Thank you”, you say, tensing up when he places his hand on your arm most tenderly.

“Of course. I just want you to be healthy. You know that, don’t you? We all do.”

“Yeah, I do. I’m sorry, you guys. I know I should have stayed with you last night, but I just…couldn’t.”

“We know. Jimin told us everything once you went to bed”, Jungkook reassures you.

You sneak a glance at Jimin. He is sitting next to Jungkook, watching you eat with a stern yet compassionate expression.

“I see”, you whisper. You force yourself to take another bite of the pancakes. So they know you visited Namjoon. They know about what you did to him. You have to fight to swallow the food. It wants to leave you again, but you can’t let that happen. You are so hungry, you have to eat. “Those pancakes are really good”, you press out with a trembling voice, forcing another bite to stay in your mouth.

Taehyung cups the back of your head and pulls you into a soft forehead kiss. It stops some of that awful tension in your chest.

“Eat as much as you want, sweetest.”

“Mh-hm.”

Your gazes meet.

“I’m sorry”, you whisper, “I’m being a lot lately.”

“It’s okay, darling”, Taehyung assures you, giving you a soft smile. He caresses your elbow, “we’ll figure it out together.”

“Yes, we will. Thank you”, you say, leaning closer for another forehead kiss.

One Taehyung retorts happily. He caresses your cheek with the back of his hand once he pulls back.

“Now eat, sweetest. You need the strength.”

You turn to the pancakes and eat them. You feel a little better doing it. Taehyung’s presence helps you feel strong enough not to throw them up again. The others are here too, paying you company. You look at them. Every single one of them gives you a smile when you lock eyes. You have to look away in the end. You want to cry. You really do.

“You guys should eat too”, you whisper, “there is so much food still here, I can’t eat it alone.”

“I think that’s a good idea. Anyone want something to drink to it?” Hoseok offers, standing up to get some coffee.

“Coffee would be lovely”, Emma says.

“For me too”, Jimin says.

The others decline him, but begin sharing the food with you. It tastes better now that you are sharing it with them. You aren’t immune to the feeling of sharing food with your dearest friends. It makes you feel connected to them and maybe for just a little while, you don’t feel alone anymore. The feeling is so strong, even, that after some time you even like the conversation they have, partaking in it with a lighter heart. So much happened in their lives. Seokjin and Emma have started to propagate flowers for the next season. They invite you to come visit them once they start planting them. You accept it under the condition that if Yoongi is better, you will come. Hoseok has started a dance program in town. You had no idea, but apparently the others did. Jimin agreed to help him with setting everything up and they agreed on each teaching a class. Hoseok will teach modern dance while Jimin will have a more classic approach. You are so excited for them and promise to visit them once Yoongi is better again.

Jungkook has been training with Taehyung. He is getting better day by day. You knew he would. He is such a fighter.

And Taehyung plans to take you on a trip to the coast. You promise him to take him up on his offer once Yoongi is back.

“No. We will leave later today”, Taehyung says.

“What?” you gasp. The once sweet sugar cookie starts to taste bitter on your tongue, “but you know that I can’t leave.”

“I know, but you really need a break and I promise you that a few days at the coast will do you well.”

“No they won’t. I have so much stuff to do.”

“Stuff which will still be here once you return. The others all agreed to it. They will care for Yoongi while you and I relax.”

You look at the others.

“You agreed on it? Without asking me?”

“You were never here so we thought that we could surprise you”, Hoseok explains.

“Surprise me? By doing what? Sending me away like a crazy person?”

“We aren’t sending you away like a crazy person. We want you to be able to relax for a few days”, Emma explains, “I promise you that finding a solution will come so much easier to you once you gave your brain a little break.”

“How could you do this to me?” you ask them, looking back at Taehyung, “you can leave without me. I’ll stay.”

“Please darling. I have so much stuff planned to do with you. Can’t you do this for me?”

“But Yoongi.”

“He will be in good hands with the others.”

“I can’t give up on him.”

“I’m not asking you to give up on him, I’m asking you to not give up on yourself in the process! You need a break, please listen to me.”

“A break? You think I can relax when, when I know that, that I’m wasting so much time not doing what I’m supposed to do?”

“You are supposed to relax!” Taehyung is yelling, but you stand your ground.

“No! I’m supposed to safe him! I’m the only fucking person who can do that. I’m the one with magic. I’m the one who, who even put him into this state in the first place.”

“Do you hear yourself?” Taehyung laughs breathily, “you didn’t do that to him. Namjoon did.”

“Yes and I have to reverse it”, you yell because you can’t do anything else anymore, “I can’t give up on him.”

“You are acting reckless.”

“I didn’t give up on you either, did I?”

“But you did!” he yells, slamming his hand on the table. You thought Taehyung yelled before but this is different, this is soaked in pain and hurt and makes the room shake, “you went and fell in love with Yoongi while I was suffering in prison. You gave up on me long ago, be fucking honest!”

“Taehyung”, Seokjin and Hoseok gasp simultaneously.

“Don’t say that”, Jungkook gasps, staring at him with widened eyes.

“Yeah seriously, that’s not true. Even I can see that”, Jimin says.

Taehyung looks between them, then back at you. The utter heartbreak on your face almost shatters him.

“I didn’t mean that”, he says, trying to reach out for you, “my sweetest, I’m sorry, I-”

You step back before he can touch you, staring him down with tears rolling down your cheeks.

“Darling”, Taehyung tries.

You turn without saying another word, leaving the room in big steps.

“___ my sweetest, I’m sorry please I-”, Taehyung gets his words cut off by you slamming the door closed right on front of his nose with the help of your magic.

They can hear one more door slamming closed and then you mask yourself with magic, making it unable to hear where you go next.

Taehyung turns, looking at the others with guilt and helplessness on his face.

“Please don’t be angry at me. I, I didn’t mean it”, he begs, breaking down a second later.

Jungkook is loading bags into one of their cars when you finally return. The really fast model with only two seats and way too much horsepower. Everyone, except Taehyung and Jimin, is here.

“What are you doing? Are you leaving?” you ask Seokjin and Emma.

“We aren’t. You and Jungkook are”, Seokjin tells you.

“What? But I told you that I don’t want to go.”

“And we didn’t fucking ask”, Seokjin hisses.

“Wow. Okay. Thanks.”

“Go with Kookie, it will do you good”, Emma says with more compassion in her voice, “you need a break. Taehyung needs a break as well. You know as well as we do that if you don’t take those few days off now, you might lose him.”

You thought about that as you tried to calm down far away from the estate. You know that Taehyung and you are at a breaking point. That one wrong step could ruin everything you built.

“Where is he?”

“Out with Jimin. Taking his mind off of everything”, Emma places her hand on your shoulder, “please go with Jungkook. He promised to let you be grumpy the entire trip.”

You look at Jungkook, who just this moment joined your side. He nods his head, looking at you sternly.

“And if you don’t want to do it for yourself. Do it for Tae. He needs to know that you are taking a break”, Hoseok says, “please ___ do that for him.”

They are right. Like so many times in the past, they are right. And you want to listen to them, even if it is extremely hard.

“Okay. Okay, I will go on this fucking trip”, you say, turning away when they start cheering for you. It feels like mockery to be happy about it. The only reason why you are going is because you want to show Taehyung that you haven’t given up on your relationship.

You hug them as they say their goodbyes, but you don’t feel good doing it. You should be in the library catching up on your books. They wish you a restful time and you wish them a good time. You know that you won’t be resting. You are leaving Yoongi. You are leaving the one person who needs your help.

You cry once Jungkook drives off. And Jungkook tries to comfort you with his hand on your thigh and tears in his eyes.

You cry long into the drive. At some point, Jungkook had to stop at a random shop. It was a carpenter. You got a panic attack. It forced you to throw up on the sidewalk. You are going the wrong way. You are leaving Yoongi. You screamed not at him, but at the injustice of the situation. And Jungkook cried with you and he did so as miserably as you. He only managed to calm you down after you took your ring off and he caressed your temples, kissing your forehead over and over again. He wouldn’t have ever been able to stop the attack otherwise. You continued the drive afterwards. The town is behind you, the endless highway is in front of you. Jungkook gave you some water to drink after crying too much. You finished a quarter of it, now clutching it between your legs. You want to cry more, but you can’t. You are going the wrong way. You shouldn’t put distance between you and Yoongi, you should be with him. Fighting for him. Helping him.

The sign for the exit passes you. You look at it until it disappears in the rear view mirror.

“You just passed the exit”, you tell him dryly.

“I know”, he answers you, speeding up.

You sneak a glance at him.

“We’re not going to the coast”, he explains.

“Huh? But Taehyung-”

“Taehyung decided to stay at the estate, it’s his fault. If he wanted to make sure that we arrived by the coast, he should have come with us.”

“I don’t understand.”

“I’m not abandoning Yoongi”, Jungkook tightens his grip on the steering wheel, “we’re not going to the coast, we’re going back to Meredith.”

So he understands. He is still willing to fight for Yoongi. And you will finally get all those books you have been dreaming about. Yoongi’s recovery will be so, so close. Overwhelmed by the happiness you feel, you lean in and kiss his cheek.

Jungkook flusters, sneaking a shy glance at you.

“Thank you, Kook”, you say, stealing one last kiss from him before falling back against the seat.

“Course”, he says and places his hand on your thigh, “you should try to sleep. We’ll drive the entire night.”

You intertwine your fingers with him and rest your head on the window, finally closing your eyes.

#bts angst #bts fanfic #bts fanfiction #vampire!bts #bangtan angst #bangtan fanfic #bangtan fanfiction #vampire!bangtan #namjoon fanfic #vampire!namjoon #jimin fanfic #vampire!jimin #taehyung fanfic #vampire!taehyung #jungkook fanfic #vampire!jungkook #yoongi fanfic #vampire!yoongi #hoseok fanfic #vampire!hoseok #seokjin fanfic #vampire!seokjin #fanfic: magnus venatio

[the-words-we-sung]

The songs of Young Royals - S1E5

Let's go for this 4th installation of the song analysis serie ^^ We're tackling episode 5 this time!! For people who missed them, here are part 1, part 2 and part 3 Sunday, Gina Dirawi

Got what I need I just want peace Catch you on a Sunday When you got the weekend off If I wait til Monday I will never get it

A song that works well for both Wilhelm and Sara: they are spending an evening with people they care deeply about and want to be with. Sara is having her sleepover with Felice and Madison while Wilhelm is spending the evening with Simon. It sounds like a perfect evening for the both of them, they "get what they need": for Sara it's some time with friends and for Wilhelm a moment far from the preying eyes of his peers to just be with the boy he loves. And he does want "peace", he wants a normal life, a normal relationship with Simon. And it's a special moment, a Saturday evening, a break from school and the usual complications that go with it. It makes me sad because it's gonna be the last moment of true peace for Wilhelm and Simon for quite some time after that. The lyrics "if I wait til Monday I will never get it" ring very true: the whole mess with Alexander's suspension and their fight about the drugs is gonna fall on them as soon as they leave Simon's home to get back to school. So it's good that they didn't wait for this little date. So they could at least have this nice evening.

Impatient, Duchvi

'Cause I never felt I needed somebody The way I feel impatient-impatient-impatient for you, oh 'Cause I'm feeling like I'm needing your body Making me impatient-impatient-impatient for you, oh I wanna, wanna know Wanna know your body, body I won't give you up, give you up, give you up

I never really paid attention to these lyrics before doing this serie but they do fit so well with the scene! Wilhelm is so scared of losing Simon over the whole Alexander thing. He's in love, he's scared, he's all over the place truly. But he does need Simon, he's not ready to "give him up" and he's so worried that he messed up things too badly. (And we can't avoid the lyrics "needing your body" because let's be clear, these boys are hot for each other ^^)

Samurai Swords, Highasakite

I am leaving I'm a lesion I unravel to the leeches I'm unpleasant I'm not loving, I'm not loving, I'm not loving

Such a good echo to what Wilhelm is feeling at that moment. He's a mess, he knows he screwed up and he hurt Simon. He's not hiding his flaws. Not hiding the messiness, the unloving parts of himself. And we can appreciate that, to see him unraveling here and being his messy self in front of Simon but still asking for him to stay there with him. He knows he's "unpleasant" in this whole situation, but he doesn't hide. It takes courage to show yourself so vulnerable. And Simon being the absolute gem that he is can see through all of that, can see the boy behind the mess. Can love the boy behind the mess.

I'm not flawless I'm not cautious I am blazing out the houses I am poison

Second part of the song goes to August (and Sara watching him). What better description of August? Not flawless (no need to comment on this one), not cautious (he gets caught so easily for the leaking of the sex tape) and yes, he is "poison". And he's gonna be poison to Sara. He's gonna bring the worst in her... Later on the lyrics go "there's no patience, no salvation": foreshadowing? Will there be any salvation for August next season?

The songs of Young Royals - part 1

The songs of Young Royals - part 2

The songs of Young Royals - part 3

#Young Royals #Young Royals analysis #Young Royals songs #Young Royals S1E5 #Prince Wilhelm #Simon Eriksson #Wilmon #my analysis #song analysis #I like this episode #even if it feels like the beginning of the end #because August is a dick 😠 #I like the Samourai Swords song #(I completely misunderstood the lyrics the first time I heard it in the episode though ^^') #(Sometimes my brain does not want to understand English properly :p)

[harrowharkwife]

ill go with sex pal :P but if that's already done, gideon :)

HIIIIII!!!!!!! hi friend!!!!!

favorite thing about them: PALAMEDESSSSSS my boy palamedes. my little guy. man, okay, what do i love about him. i love the way he loves. i am fascinated by his clumsy and imperfect and well-meaning but inherently flawed attempts/approaches to things like agency and ethics and fairness and respect. i love that he pays attention to everything. i love his drive. i love his gambling streak, his tendency to play the odds. i love that he's a boy who writes love letters™. i love how open he is about his affections and his feelings. i love his penchant for using terms of endearment. his love for teaching. his willingness to get up on a soapbox for things he believes in, even if he winds up stumbling sidelong into insufferable preachy condescension half the time. i love that he tries. i love that he sometimes fucks up and hurts the people around him. i love his boldness. i love his sweetness. i love his kindness. that boy could make friends with a brick wall if you gave him enough time. i love that he canonically writes weird erotica to cope. i love his taste in women. i love his gender. i just love him

least favorite thing about them: i mean, i could go on forever. he's deeply annoying sometimes, and as much as it's part of his charm, it also makes me want to thwap him upside the head from time to time, like. boy. shut UP!!! but the real answer is honestly his position as sixth house scion. master warden is an unspeakably rancid title in vibes alone and i sincerely hope we dig into the backstory behind that a little more in AtN. i find it fascinating, and troubling, and tragic, and frustrating, all the ways in which he talks the talk re: cavaliers and agency and free will, but when the rubber meets the road, do his actions really back that up? arguably, not always. and the guilt and complicity and codependent toxicity there re: camilla, is like catnip to me. he loves her, he respects her, she's his best friend, he's in awe of her and her abilities and her strength. and yet, time and time again, he puts her through harrowing things and thanks her each time she shoulders his burdens. it's a self-fulfilling prophecy, it makes me so sad, it's a snake eating its own tail, it is a mobius strip of toxic power imbalance codependent enmeshment and it is FASCINATING to think about. if i keep going we'll be here all night, but just. i think fandom has a tendency to write him as The Good Person™ (him and Camilla both) and, like, i love him as much as the next girl, but he's a head of state in an empire, with all the implications that brings with it.

favorite line: "how god takes, and takes, and takes." "fool us twice, shame on god." "thank god for that mad, stubborn, lovely girl." "it's not you, it's me wearing you." (moira quirk's inflection on that line is literally fucking haunting, btw.) "do you know, i miss harrowhark terribly." "and, most personally, this is for dulcinea septimus." god. i just love him

brOTP: harrow, and also gideon.

OTP: im shy <3

nOTP: im struggling to think of a pal pairing that i Couldn't find compelling or at least interesting, if written the right way, in the right light. he's just my interesting little guy. he's a barbie and im making him scissor all the other barbies. who said that

random headcanon: glasses chain. earrings. palamedes can have she/her pronouns, every now and then, as a treat. contrary to the initial assumption of everyone he's ever met, he's actually Not autistic. (cam is; he's just got wicked bad adhd.) jewamedes is also fun

unpopular opinion: i mean i guess just what i said up top re: people sometimes acting like he's never done anything wrong in his life? i love him but i love him Because he is an interesting and deeply morally gray (ha) character.

song i associate with them: what you can't look up by walk the moon, tiny moves by bleachers, to someone from a warm climate by hozier, chateau lobby #4 in c for two virgins by father john misty, shiver shiver by walk the moon, star by mitski, hopedrunk everasking by caroline polachek, GAMBLER'S PRAYER BY CAROLINE POLACHEK my ultimate palamedes song

favorite picture of them: ive tattooed every single piece of palamedes art ive ever seen on the inside of my eyelids. except white palamedes fanart which is always such a jumpscare

[idkjustletmescroll]

Why do we love the red lotus so much?

It’s no secret that among the avatar/lok fandom that the red lotus in season 3 are some of the legend of korra’s most beloved villains. I started to wonder why that is, and I’m writing down all my thoughts because of course I am.

1: Cool character designs

Visually, the red lotus are super-interesting, especially when you put them altogether. Zaheer’s all-gray monochrome look and his little change from long hair and beard to baldness, and his eyebrow scar. Ghazan and his tattoos and that mustache he grew when he was ten. Ming-Hua is small but mighty, waterbends without arms and uses said waterbending AS ARMS, another shining example of the avatar franchise’s portrayal of disability. And P’li being a seven-feet-tall combustionbender with a cool braid. They look cool. What more do you need?

2: They’re human

Probably part of what makes the red lotus so popular is that they feel pretty human. Obviously Zaheer is the leader of the group, and I’d personally have loved some more moments reminiscent of the “seriously? right now?” scene, but they’re clearly all besties. Ghazan, as mentioned above, complaining about P’li and Zaheer making out in the truck; P’li getting a piggyback ride from Ming-Hua on her way out of prison and calling her a show-off; Ming-Hua calling the boys ugly mugs; Ghazan commenting, upon seeing Zaheer fly for the first time, that “i guess [Zaheer] doesn’t need a ride”; etc. They have distinct personalities from each other, with Zaheer being the planner and leader, P’li being quiet and menacing (unless she’s with her friends and her man), Ghazan being the chill, laid-back one, and Ming-Hua being snarky and hot-tempered. P’li and Zaheer obviously have their romance, which is sweet even if fans (*cough* me *cough*) would’ve loved to see more of it. They work incredibly well together as a team and in battle. Ghazan worries about P’li when she’s injured at Zaofu, P’li gets mad at Zaheer when he gets discovered on Air Temple Island and alerts the city to their presence, Ming-Hua and Ghazan are visibly surprised, sad, and confused all at once when Zaheer achieves flight and they learn that P’li is dead, Ming-Hua has the odd habit of sitting in trees and the backs of chairs instead of the actual chair...there are plenty of little moments that drive home the fact that they’re people who care deeply about each other.

3: They’re badass af

I mean, seriously. Zaheer was arguably more feared than the other three even as a non-bender, and is beaten with airbending only by his overconfidence and airbending inexperience against strong bending masters. P’li is a combustion bender who can a) talk, and b) curve her combustion beams. Ghazan is the franchise’s first canon lavabender, and Ming-Hua is its first bender who’s missing limbs. She supposedly uses her torso and legs to waterbend, despite the popular fan theory that she also uses at least some psychic bending. They have unique abilities that expand the possibilities of bending, make for unique and interesting fight scenes, and give our heroes a genuine challenge. Neither side is ridiculously powered-down; Bolin and Mako put up a good fight against Ming-Hua and Ghazan, for example, given their two seasons of battle experience and previous pro-bending careers, but still get their asses kicked and are captured, because they’ve never fought these kinds of benders before! How the hell do you stop a lady who can basically waterbend with her mind? How can Bolin stop Ghazan when all of Bolin’s ammunition is thrown right back at him in an even deadlier form? 

4: No canon backstories

Hear me out here: I do agree that we could’ve gotten more hints of their backstories and how they all met, etc., but they don’t have a canon backstory like Amon, giving them that air of mystery. I love speculating on their pasts, which I couldn’t do if they had them in canon. But idk, I feel like this just depends on what you like in your villains.

In short, a large reason the red lotus is beloved is because they’re so different from anything we’ve previously seen in the franchise. They’re fresh, new faces who give us what is widely considered Legend of Korra’s best season.

#the red lotus #zaheer #p'li #ghazan #ming-hua #lok the red lotus #lok season three #legend of korra #p'heer

[that-bitch-kat3]

kats initial ttpd thoughts

fortnight:

stand out lines: i took the miracle move on drug, the effects were temporary

i like this one. i don’t think it’s my favorite (or i hope it won’t be) but i think the production does do it for me. i was honestly hoping that “i love you it’s ruining my life” would have been in a… better (?) song. this will undoubtedly grow on me but not a great start.

ttpd:

standout lyric: “i’ve seen this episode and still loved the show”

okay “who uses typewriters anyways” is objectively a really funny line. “i’ve seen this episode and still loved the show” im screaming crying and throwing up how dare you put that lyric in a song i have to listen to.

on a different note who tf are dylan thomas and patti smith? am i meant to know these people?

oh my god. the way charlie puth is about to have his career explode. this poor man. i hope he was warned.

CYCLONE!! CONEY ISLAND!!!

oh i like this bridge. also lucy as in lucy dacus?

i’m trying not to be a hater but taylor “now you hang from my lips like the gardens of babylon” couldn’t have come up with a more poetic way to say you put my ring on the finger where people put wedding rings? fr? is this about marty healy? i hope to god it’s not.

mbobhft:

stand out lyrics: “once i fix me he’s gonna miss me” and “there was forever in the heat of my touch, he say forever so he smashed it up”

i was ready to not like this one but im kinda into it. the line “i’ll tell you that he runs because he loves me” is… not something i am ready to unpack. this is a really good song and i will probs have it on repeat for a while but i stg if i don’t hear a song about joe soon im gonna be pissed

down bad:

standout lyric: jury’s still out

this song was not written by a 33 year old. jesus christ. taylor please. STAND UP. THIS IS BAD FOR THE BRAND!! however as a 19 year old: real af.

you loved his indecent exposures? interesting.

this is once again giving situationship. which is insane because JOE WAS HERE FOR 6 YEARS?!? WE DONT GET TO HEAR ABOUT THAT?!? i mean like she is entitled to her privacy but never in my life did i want to hear this much about marty healy

so long london:

stand out lyric: “i didn’t opt in to be your odd man out. i founded the club she’s heard great things about” “you sacrificed us to the gods of your bluest days”

not the production i was expecting from a track 5 but ill keep and open mind.

fairy lights mentioned!! ttpd bingo moment

i like this bridge tbh. it kinda fucks. “you swore that you loved me but where were the clues” taylor wtf?

two graves one gun?!? oh wow! very melodramatic and i love it

this song is good. very sad so great job! killed it! i’m not crying yet tho

but daddy i love him:

stand out lyrics: Growing up precocious sometimes means not growing up at all

HEYY RELIGOUS TRAUMA VIBES?!? FUCK YEAH!! FINALLY SOME GOOD RELATEBLE CONTENT!!

this is so champagne problems vibes

“im having his baby! no im not but you should see your face” BAHHAHA taylor wtf

i was hoping for more religious trauma energy than what i got. i had high hopes with that first verse

OMG WHAT?!? MAAM?!? “ID RATHER BURN MY WHOLE LIFE DOWN THAN LISTEN TO ONE MORE SECOND OF ALL THIS BITCHIN AND MOANIN” GIRLY YOUR “BABY” IS ANTISEMEIC?

okay this song is now just funny to me. deeply i would’ve kept this one in the vault but it’ll grow on me

fresh out the slammer:

stand out lyric: n/a

we are starting with the lowest of standards for the record. i do not have a good vibe from this song

its fine. liek it’s not revolutionary to me. like its okay but… why does this beat change like that and did the long prison metaphor help? i think not.

however yeah bring up that he didn’t propose again. love that for you

florida!!!

stand out lyric: well me and my ghost we had a hell of a time

!! what!! “they said i was a cheat so i guess i must be” ARENT YOU THE ONE WHO WRITE IVY AND HIGH INFEDELITY?!? WHAT?!? i am giggling so hard. taylor what are you saying?!?

this song reminded how much i love florence! i mean that woman can really sing

nbnc reference! that was not on my bingo card!

texas mentioned!! slay!!

i love this song. like i fr really like this one. the drums are a bit much but i love how their voices work together! delicious

guilty as sin?

standout lyric: “there no such thing as bad thoughts. only your actions talk” “i keep recalling things we never did”

i like how this one sounds

this song is really good! and bestie i get it! yikes!

this song is really for the girlies who make up fake scenarios to hurt their own feelings and i feel seen

false god references(?)

well terrible job everyone that was a bit too relatable! thanks! i’m going to throw up! or scream! or cry!

who’s afraid of little old me?

standout lyric: “you don’t get to tell me about sad” “is it a wonder i broke let’s hear one more joke” “you wouldn’t last an hour in the asylum where they raised me”

yay!! she’s doing witchcraft again!! thank god!! levitate queen!!

you should be afraid of little old me was not what i was expecting from this song! but i like it! also i am enjoying this production

“so tell me everything isnt about me but what if it is?” HAHAHH TAYLOR WHAT IS THIS?!?

no taylro they say that you’ll sue them they prublish public information about your plane! so close tho!

jokes aside i like this! this one’s gonna be in my tops i think! it reminds me of tlgad which is one love

i can fix him (no really i can)

standout lyric: “he had a halo of the highest grade, he just hasn’t met me yet”

texas mentioned again!! a win is a win

another song about matty healy?!? must we?!? are we sure? this is proof that any relationship pain is overshadowed by a 3 month situationship

loml: “better safe than starry eyed”

mmm im liking this one!

damn marriage is brought up a lot in the album for someone who wrote lavendar haze

i like that there is the love of my life to loss of my life switch! i was worried she abrievated that for no reason

still alive, killing time at the cemetery is a great line!!

!!! oh!! i wish i could unrecall how we almost had it all! i didn’t think i would like that lyric!! i in fact do.

icdiwabh:

standout lyric: “babe you gotta fake it till you make it and you did”

THIS SONG IS SO GOOD!! OH SHIT

okay now this is my shit. i like how she’s taking about her success and shit

i cry a lot but i am so productive it’s an art is so real

“try and come for my job” yikes.

the smallest man who every lived

standout lyric: “i would’ve died for your sins but i died inside”

this one isn’t doing it for me so far. i’m sure it’ll grow on me but idk it’s not killing it for me.

DID SHE JUST CALL HIS DICK SMALL?!? HELLO?!? good lord i hope that’s what that meant

“you kicked out the stage lights but your still preforming?!?” GOOD LORD TAYLOR! it’s so jover

The alchemy:

standout lyric: “he jokes that it’s heroin but this time with an E”

i had to listen to this song twice cause i could just not lay attention

AYO ITS TRAVIS!! god the next album is gonna have so many football metaphors that i will not understand

this is really cute! i’m on team trayvis

clara bow:

standout lyric: promise to be dazzling

cool! now i’m sad!

as a girl who tries to be something exciting but feels like she never gets there this is very yikes! greta job gang

DID SHE JUST SAY HER OWN NAME?!? SHE NEVER DONE THAT

OH MY GOD

YOUVE GOT EDGE SHE NEVER DID

WHAT

WHAT

WHAT

the black dog:

standout lyric:

i am scared!

oh shit! who cheated on taylor?!?

oh wait. maybe that’s not true

i love old habits die screaming! tahts a funky line. i know we already had it but im a fan

!! hoax reference!!

!!daylight reference!!

oh joe. that poor man. they’re gonna kill him.

this is putting a sad spin on some of my fav songs so that’s cool

imgonnagetyouback:

standout lyric: “pick your poison babe, i’m poison either way”

did we need to do this in one word

OH MY GOD

SHE MAKING THE SAME THING AS GET HIM BACK BY OLIVIA RODRGIO

now i personally would’ve rewritten this one or picked a different song but this is a choice

this is a worse versions of get him back! imo

eras fading to gray is a crazy line!

the albatross:

standout lyric: “the devil you know now looks more like and angel”

this is kinda giving cowboy like me vibes but with more unnecessary vocal effects but that does in fact mean that i like it

peace reference?!

idk im into this one i think

chloe or sam or sophia or marcus:

standout lyric: all of them <3

my god this is a long title

oh my god. did she just out joe alywn? what? that can’t be what just happened

“you needed me but you needed drugs more” IM THROWING UP HOW DARE YOU

nobody touch me

“if you want to break my cold cold heart, just say i loved you. the way that you were” okay so now i am crying! hey! tahts cool! in other news put me on watch

this is one of my tops

you can tell cause i’m depressed now

maroon reference!!

okay so i will never recover congrats everyone!

how did it end?

standout lyric: “we learned the right steps to different dances”

i feel invasive listening to this. i didn’t want to hear about matty anymore but this is a lot.

this song is good but sweet lord. this is really sad. which i should’ve guessed but this is not what i was expecting

“D-Y-I-N-G” that was not how i thought that line was gonna end

so high school:

standout lyric: idk man they’re all cute

is this another one about travis?!? yay!!

awww she want to marry him! that’s so exciting!! and also maybe kill him but we do what we can

this is really cute

i’m glad she got this back! cause this is giving very fearless vibes which is perfect! i love that! i love that she’s having the sweet love again! and i’m so glad im not listening about matty! cause that man if the gift that won’t stop giving. no matter what i do. he just won’t.

i hate it here:

standout lyric: “No mid-sized city hopes and small-town fears” “when they found a better planet only the gentle survive”

second time bringing up being a precocious child! not something i thought we would get twice!

this song feels like it’s right off folklore

GIRL WHAT!?! “I'd say the 1830s but without all the racists and getting married off for the highest bid” this is why no one wanted to play with you as a little kid

oh yikes now i’m relating

“i get lost on purpose. this place made me feel worthless” crying in the club once again

she really had to fight not to call him a finance bro

thank you aimee

stand out lyric: “Everyone knows that my mother is a saintly woman but she used to say she wished that you were dead”

go to jail just for the capitalization

i feel like im missing something

is amiee real? is she a metaphor? is it someone from the rep era? i’m lost

if this is 15 year old beef that is amazing.

“there wouldn’t be this if there hadn’t been you” oh lol that’s so funny.

thank god taylor changed the name! cause otherwise they would kill her!

“and one day your kid comes home singing a song that only us two is gonna know so about you” oh that’s so good. you see i like taylor better when she’s being petty over decade old shit. it makes her more relatable

i look in peoples windows

stand out lyric: “i’m afflicted by the not knowing” “im addicted to the if only”

i love this.

is this the new shortest song in her discography? it’s gotta be. it’s like 2 minutes long

anyways. relatable. killin it

the prophecy:

stand out lyric: “Don't want money just someone who wants my company”

finally a song i can relate to! you know cause im psychic?

“I guess a lesser woman would've lost hope a greater woman wouldn't beg” yikes

oh no. i’m gonna cry. you see now im reminded of why i feel like im never enough. so cool 🤙

witchcraft again!! yay!!

what is gray-ge? gray/beige? was that already a word?

cassandra:

standout lyric: “what does kill you makes you aware. what happens if it becomes who you are”

bffr taylor does not patch cracks in her house

sorry i know tahts a metaphor, allow me to start by being less of a hater

oh i love a call back to the 2016 era. yikes

“BLOODS THICK BUT NOTHING LIKE A PAYROLL” HOLY FUCK WHAT?!?

“when its burn the bitch they’re shrieking, when the truth comes out they’re quiet” lol relatable

peter:

standout lyric: “we both did the best we could do underneath the name moon in different galaxies”

who is peter? very excting!

oh it’s peter pan! that’s cute!

is this about joe? i’m confused? i have no idea who this is about

i liek the piano! i like this more stripped back version

great bridge!

“cause love's never lost when perspective is earned” HEY BRO WHAT

the bolter: “she was leaving it felt like breathing”

standout lyric:

omg hey she wrote a song about me! jk it just started idk what this is

oh no

i cant do this right now

okay so no comment but yeah very relatable! cool! (except i’m not really a bolter now that i think about it. i just think i am. i’m actually not a quitter. im a stick with it person even when maybe i should bolt.)

robin:

stand out lyric: “you have no room in your head for regrets”

i like these a lot better than the first part of this album. i actually can’t tell if it’s a double release or not but i just like these more emotional songs more.

is she singing to her child self?!? is that what happening?!?

crying again.

the manuscript:

stand out lyric: looking backward might be the only way to move forward

my god this is a lot of songs! not complaining but i’m tired

okay i like the piano

“He said that if the sex was half as good as the conversation was soon they’d be pushing strollers” FUCKING HELLo?!? well now i’m in pain slay

this was not what i was expecting at all but let it be known i am crying and im not okay

this song really fucked me up guys

#this is really long #i’m warning you before you open it #honestly idk if you should read this #i’ll make content about it when i wake up #taylor swift #ts ttpd #the tortured poets department #ttpd #ttpd reactions #taylor swift ttpd #ttpd era #kat talks

[dragonsfromthemoon]

Daenerys and loneliness

Her captain slept beside her, yet she was alone. She wanted to shake him, wake him, make him hold her, fuck her, help her forget, but she knew that if she did, he would only smile and yawn and say, "It was just a dream, my queen. Go back to sleep."

Instead she slipped into a hooded robe and stepped out onto her terrace. She went to the parapet and stood there gazing down upon the city as she had done a hundred times before. It will never be my city. It will never be my home. — Daenerys VIII, ADWD.

"Only Missandei." The Naathi scribe moved closer to the bed. "This one heard you crying."

"Crying? I was not crying. Why would I cry? I have my peace, I have my king, I have everything a queen might wish for. You had a bad dream, that was all."

"As you say, Your Grace." She bowed and made to go. — Daenerys VIII, ADWD.

The voice was no more than a whisper, yet somehow Dany felt that he was walking just behind her. My bear, she thought, my old sweet bear, who loved me and betrayed me. She had missed him so. She wanted to see his ugly face, to wrap her arms around him and press herself against his chest, but she knew that if she turned around Ser Jorah would be gone. "I am dreaming," she said. "A waking dream, a walking dream. I am alone and lost." — Daenerys X, ADWD.

Those quotes always make me so emotional. I think Dany’s ADWD arc highlights an aspect about her character: how lonely she feels; and the quotes above sum it up very well, in my opinion.

"I was alone for a long time, Jorah. All alone but for my brother. I was such a small scared thing. Viserys should have protected me, but instead he hurt me and scared me worse. He shouldn't have done that. He wasn't just my brother, he was my king. Why do the gods make kings and queens, if not to protect the ones who can't protect themselves?" — Daenerys III, ASOS.

On the quote above, Daenerys is reflecting about kingship/queenship and the duties of a king/queen. Yet, we can see how lonely Dany felt too. When we are introduced to her character in AGOT, she’s only a 13yo that only has an abusive older brother as family. In her own words, Viserys didn’t protect her. He hurt and scared her, that’s to say, she had no one to count on. Even more so because they were exiled, always on the run from Robert’s assassination attempts.

Then, Viserys dies. Now Daenerys is the last dragon, the last of her family — which she deeply feels sad for throughout the narrative. Besides, she thinks she cannot have children anymore, as per Mirri Maz Duur’s words.

If I were not the blood of the dragon, she thought wistfully, this could be my home. She was khaleesi, she had a strong man and a swift horse, handmaids to serve her, warriors to keep her safe, an honored place in the dosh khaleen awaiting her when she grew old … and in her womb grew a son who would one day bestride the world. That should be enough for any woman … but not for the dragon. With Viserys gone, Daenerys was the last, the very last. She was the seed of kings and conquerors, and so too the child inside her. She must not forget. — Daenerys VI, AGOT.

"Drogon killed a little girl. Her name was … her name …" Dany could not recall the child's name. That made her so sad that she would have cried if all her tears had not been burned away. "I will never have a little girl. I was the Mother of Dragons." — Daenerys X, ADWD.

Dany feels deeply for the loss of her family. The parents and eldest brother she didn’t meet, even Viserys and Khal Drogo. Her son Rhaego. More so, she feels, as the last Targaryen, she has a duty to her family. That’s why she wishes to conquer the Seven Kingdoms, the throne her family built and lost.

In the following arcs, Daenerys becomes a Khalessi and a queen in her own right. Her duty, as she herself reflect, is to protect her people. She has to be their strenght: 

They are not strong, she told herself, so I must be their strength. I must show no fear, no weakness, no doubt. However frightened my heart, when they look upon my face they must see only Drogo's queen. She felt older than her fourteen years. If ever she had truly been a girl, that time was done. — Daenerys I, ACOK.

That means, ultimately, Dany puts her people in first place, even when she herself is scared and doubtful. In ADWD, this is even more prominent. To keep peace and protect her people, Daenerys has to make concessions. She agrees to marry Hizdahr zo Loraq, despite loving and desiring Daario, because she thinks he can bring peace to Meereen and end the killing of her people. She agrees to the opening of the fighting pits. She agrees to stay and rule. What I mean is that and of it can be very desolating and lonely. Dany has a role, responsibilities and duties that no one else has. That’s why she feels so sad that Missandei notices she was crying; that’s why she feels alone, even if Daario is sleeping by her side.

When I think about this aspect of Daenerys’ character, my heart truly aches for her. From her childhood in exile and poverty to being a queen in her own right, she still longs for family, connection and companionship. People who she can trust. This wish also can be expressed this way, by Dany herself:

The dragon has three heads. There are two men in the world who I can trust, if I can find them. I will not be alone then. We will be three against the world, like Aegon and his sisters. — Daenerys VI, ASOS.

I feel like I could have written so much more for this meta. However, I decided to end it here. That’s really a topic that make me very emotional.

#asoiaf #daenerys targaryen

[spikeinthepunch]

thinking real hard about that new content in Painful bc i really love it-- while Painful did work well without more blatant explanations on Marty, Lisa, or Brad's past, it also meant there was some stuff I just never learned if i didnt play First at least (and my second play through of Painful brought even MORE clarity to me), and well honestly I just enjoy the deeper explorations of these characters. I already rambled about this content in a 2am post messily but now I am thinking hard about the cycle of abuse- specific to Brad and the general theme of new content in general being about how deeply rooted abuse is, improvement of yourself, letting go of guilt & anger and the importance of love.

in order to better break down the new content and how it adds things to the story i transcribed the new content-- queen's campfire dialog, mad dog's campfire dialog, and two large pieces of dialog from the nightmare scene. parallels! parallels everywhere! I uploaded it as a text file if you want to read it all yourself :)

also this means this post will be long as fuck. there are so many cool things to connect here.

This new content in Painful does a lot to express the years of shit Brad went through that further fed his issues. And while most of this ends up focusing on Marty (which I do thinks its important to not just throw Lisa on screen, her purpose is still as being 'off screen' for effect) it greatly helps Brad's character and the flashback to Lisa and him playing together or their convo before Brad runs away- fantastic addition alongside Buddy's later instance of putting makeup on Brad (made me extra sad)- and it 'humanizes' Lisa more. She existed- she was a sister with a brother and they hung out and had fun and they talked. etc. They existed in the same house and they endured horrible things.

I feel like this new content kind of hammered in the family like... the affect of abusive families. And what Brad has been missing from a normal upbringing, what he's lost after all this time because of abuse, and what he is desperately trying to get out of Buddy. At the end of the fight with flesh-mound Marty (we will be talking about this A LOT), this part especially feels like it reflects Brad's inability to not see Buddy as the redemption he needs, what he feels is the only thing to save him:

But if you stop. …if you do this. It's over. Dead. You know what happens. We can't let her out. She… She's gonna hurt us so bad.

Which also, I think parallels to Lisa too-- honestly. so much of what alludes to Lisa works well for Buddy and vise versa, for obvious reasons.

But the nightmare really just... you really get the feeling for how fucking exhausting it is. Brad is so tired and he's trying so hard. But the thought that says he will be like his father feels deep rooted- its his blood, Marty lives inside him, he can't fight it hard enough.

this next section of the flesh-mound boss fight ending has a clear conflict in his own thoughts. He recognizes it's all so tiring and it needs to be let go. But then it turns into anger at himself. And more likely recalling the tough words of wisdom his father gave him (or his grandpa too)

I know you're tired. All this anger. These memories. So many scars. So many mistakes. It all stings… So let it all go. You don't deserve it. The guilt is gonna kill you. Why can't you just let go? Be a man. When they hand you their heart. You don't bare yours. You eat it. Consume everything. Puke it up. Then eat it again. Eat like a dog. You know it only takes one taste. You know better than me. It's so fucking easy. And if you never stop… It feels so good.

Fun fact! The "When they hand you their heart. You don't bare yours. You eat it. Consume everything." gets referenced slightly in the new Joyful content, where Brad's friends are trying to recall some words of wisdom which they only recall as "Sometimes you need to just... Eat your heart out. Or something." Which implies Brad likely told them this line to some extent.

Oof. Probably my favorite excerpt from the boss dialog. Consume Everything. Puke it up, eat it again.... You know it only takes one taste. You know better than me... Marty's own behavior comes out here as he encouraged Brad similarly in other scenes. He's the one that's is in fact forcing Brad to get a "taste" of this. (Look back at the 'father' epilogue in Joyful). But he also makes Brad think that this is always all on him- by giving him the responsibility of "this is how men should be", it takes blame off of Marty and puts it on Brad for not "being a man" and thus, repeating these behaviors in a way that is often told to him as justified and as the right way to act.

He is constantly guilted and programed to this behavior in an extreme way by Marty taunting him, belittling and validating his own abusive behavior.

Let me cut over to Mad Dog's campfire scene. Yep! I promise its related (to me).

[cut to here. He is referring to what (seems to be) something his father said.] When I'm ready to die. We fight. You have to beat me. Then you will eat me. A dog in a dog in a dog in a dog. Hellacious. Miserable cycle. Never stop. Make. Us. More. Madness is a small cost. For power greater than love. […] Strength is our family. [Scene pans down the cliffs showing more and more skulls of humans and dogs hiden under ground. the next text appears on screen]: I love you… But I really have to go. [At the bottom of the cliffs, a spider much like the Marty-spiders appears, but with Brad's face instead.]

While this is something Mad Dog is saying as if its something his own father said to him, it seems pretty clear you can see the parallel to Brad. Honestly its way too accurate to ignore lol. the first line is strangely similar to things Marty says in the nightmare fight, and the "Dog in a dog" clearly feels very similar to the "eat like a dog" in that earlier quote i gave. Whats even more weird is the scene is pans through.

(Again not taking away from Mad Dog's own story, just explaining the parallel). The skulls that become more and more in the dirt feel like a metaphor for all the years of abuse, and the cycle of it. Now the Brad-spider? That surprised me.

Taking-

I love you… But I really have to go.

Feels like something related to Buddy. And I think this as well because of the spider at the end. Marty-spiders always felt like they were supposed to show how his effect is always there and you might now know where. His abuse still exists even in the smallest form. For a Brad one to be shown like that- I would read into it as how Brad is still going after Buddy, while his behavior is in fact abusive.

The hardest of it all is the imagery and the use of plural dialog too is that we really get to see how Brad feels like Marty is and always will be a part of him and that's what makes it so hard to change. And considering the above I mentioned, it makes sense.

We can't handle that, Brad. It's too painful. I'm not ready. We'll never be ready! Don't fight blood! Please! I'm fucking scared!

The desperation towards the end fits the idea of letting go of Lisa in the regard that the grief for her is also ruining Brad alongside his need to have Buddy as a way to atone for his behavior towards Dustin in the past, and try to not be like his father. And getting rid of that source is terrifying because it means a lot of scary things to him. The "us" and "we" keeps forcing that feeling that Marty is part of him, and that it really wants Brad to keep holding on because thats who he is. It is what he has been for so so long and he is terrified of letting go of grief because its what remains of Lisa in his head. And that letting go of Buddy would mean he is losing that opportunity to be the father he needs to be in order to prove he isnt like his father. These two reasons to not let go aren't good! They are not ways he should be living and he HAS to let that go.

But hey, thats not all. Let's get through the sad as fuck analysis okay? It'll get better.

As you descend a long rope as child!Brad you start to read a poem of sorts that I can only assume comes from Lisa. This excerpt also pops up in Joyful...

No friends. No brothers. No fathers. No mothers. Just me.

This gets repeated three times. Its weird but it always made me feel uneasy, and I think that is because it kind of focuses on how Lisa ends up being the core. When you apply this to Brad alone, it connects in the way that Lisa is the center of his grief and how that cancels out so much else in his life. Though i want to point out real quick-- it applies to Buddy in an interesting way that fufills their comparisons with the statues you destroy in Joyful. Very cool. And for Lisa it applies very blatantly. (No friends (Berny), No brothers (Brad), No fathers (Marty), No mothers (her own absent mom))

there is a LOT to this poem and you should look at that text post I linked to read it all. So I am just bringing up a one other part.

Deep below. A dark endless sea. A pain slumbers. One we'll never flee. Give me the strength. Let your memories set us free. So that when next we meet. I may grow into a mighty tree. [...] I know this wasn't easy. Thank you. …And Bradley, Good luck.

Oh yes, a step back to the boss dialog here, it's relevant:

I know you're tired. All this anger. These memories. So many scars. So many mistakes. It all stings… So let it all go. You don't deserve it.

This perfectly reflect points I have made up to this point regarding the way Brad holds onto his grief and even the earliest lines of the boss is trying to show him that. It's interesting that as the very start he's being so forgiving to himself then is devolves into more anger-- but here, once Brad has regressed, Lisa is the one to remind him this. I think its important to recognize how Its not about getting rid of Lisa's memory at all and this poem being spoken from Lisa (assumed) fits that. It isn't easy to recognize or to do this, it takes a whole different kind of strength.

In that text file i transcribed the end conversation between Brad & Lise where Brad says he is going to run away, but I won't be referencing it here... Do read it/watch it though.

If you read this far, good job! Just one more depressing thing though! The actual last thing said in the nightmare is great actually- for story telling. Because of course if this whole dream was trying to show that Brad has let go... well, it would kind of mess up the ending still carrying out with Brad still seeming unchanged.

Bradley, my boy. It's just not that easy. You can't save her. You can't even save yourself. After all… I'm in your veins..

Yes, thats it- thats the last part in the dream, where Brad sees a small flesh-mound Marty in blood. It doesn't ruin the fact Brad had this long ass dream. Its a great look into his mind. And how it entirely loops back. He really just... he really is stuck. You can see how damn hard he tries. But this theme of it being "in your blood" is SO fucking strong and it hurts. Because I think we all know, its not true. You are not fated to become the abuser. But god you can see how hard it truly is to fight what has been beaten into you for so long.

Right.

So looking at the parts where forgiveness are present... This pops up a bit in the new content- from this, too another campfire scene. I think the forgiveness and love sprinkled in is important to notice. A lot of people in Olathe in general are alone and without family. Brad has already been... alone, however. His family situation left him without affection, and an upbringing that left no proper parent to attach to meant he'd already not receive the affection he needed in order to give that to others properly. He had no one, and when he did finally have someone- Dustin- he still never received the love he didn't know he needed because of what was taught to him. And he did it again to Buddy.

This is obvious when you get to the end of the game. When Brad wants buddy to hold him.

And, Queen's dialog with Brad pulls a lot more of that conversation to the surface.

Being held by someone you love is the best feeling in the entire universe. […] These men out here. All this strength. This power. Your respect… you can't take it with you when you die. It wont save you. It doesn't matter how powerful you are. No ideas matter. No experience matters. None of that shit that's consumed you your whole life matters. You're completely naked in the face of death. Its terrifying. Now, a good hug. That matters. Honestly, it ain't gonna change much… dead is dead. But the way i see it. You can die afraid. Lost in your own mind. Haunted by the guilt of all your mistakes. Tormenting nightmares wondering what comes next. Or… you can be in the moment with someone you love. Someone that makes you feel like nothing else matters. Nothing could be more important than feeling each other's warmth and love. No thinking. Just feeling.

Brad's earlier chat included him bringing up how he didnt let Dustin or Buddy get physical affectionate too- theres some earlier chitchat that you may want to see in a video. But honestly the realization of how little affection Brad has received, due to Marty's influence, makes things even more depressing when you see how hard it is to let go.

Everything, everything is tied together. He can't let go. So he cant end the abuse. So he fails to ever change. So he never receives the love he truly wants and needs. By the end of the game, when you have that option to hold him, that new dialog hits even worse. And I don't think it is even to try and sway people into hugging Brad. if anything it kind of just opened up to me why Buddy shouldnt need to hold him. And how it is honestly something so much deeper. His struggle has infected everything he wants in life that he just keeps failing to have.

It depresses him, it discourages him. I can't even find more words to explain how heavy the weight is on someone like Brad after years and years of horrible abuse and never getting the help he so much needed.

#we have reached um 2.7k words w this one lads #lisa rpg #lisa the painful #lisa