#believe it or not i am off meds and i wrote this

[pinkaditty]

Beauty (Twisted Wonderland, Rook Hunt)

tiptoes into blog again but steps on a comically placed whoopee cushion and alerts the entirety of my eagerly awaiting readers

hey hi hi sorry this is 2 let you all know that i am ALIVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I AM ALIVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i had 2 disappear 2 focus entirely on my studies bc i was due 2 graduate with honors soon and i needed 2 have ALL my work completed lol! anyways, im glad 2 say that soon i will be the proud owner of an early bachelor’s degree in pre-med. this honors thesis better look STUNNING on my fucking resume. 

a/n: anyways YES im working on ur asks now that i have more free time yaaaaaaaaay!!! in the meantime enjoy this lol i wrote it entirely on a whim bc i saw the new rook card on twt and was like “hm. okay fine ass.” anyways let it be known i know VERY LITTLE about book 7 and Rook in general (ive seen spoilers but i don’t actively seek them out, plus i don't have the game anymore bc free palestine, fuck disney), so this might be ooc or an unusually placed scenario. please let me know how i can improve!

summary: rook’s back to his old self. he’s not sure of himself, but you have some choice words. 

cw: suggestive!!!!!!!! minors DNI!!!!!!!!!, book 7 spoilers i think, gn!reader (specifics of reader’s physical attributes are not mentioned, but Rook uses the masculine French word for "dear"), NOT PROOFREAD!!!!.

MINORS DNI AS PER USUAL THIS IS SUGGESTIVE!! THANK YOU FOR RESPECTING MY BOUNDARY!!!

“Well, I admit… the version of me you see standing before you, cher, was not me at my prime…”

You stare curiously at the man before you. Unmistakably, this was Rook. Same French accent, albeit with a harsher twang, same upturned green eyes, same haunting, knowing smile. It was Rook, without a doubt. But, he was different. He looked different. His uniform wasn’t Pomefiore- it was Savanaclaw. His hair was longer and wilder, choppy bangs and uneven waves falling in his face and along his back. His skin was darker, a light tan present on his usually pristine, pale skin. Freckles dotted the bridge of his nose and crest of his cheeks, and a smattering of them was found on his shoulders and neck. He didn’t stand quite as tall; rather, he stood with a slight slouch. Bending forward just slightly, piercing green eyes peering at you from beneath the shadow of  a wide-brim brown hat. Strangely, like this, he appeared considerably more predatory. 

Suddenly, him previously being in Savanaclaw made sense. 

However, this spurred a question in you. Not about his decision to change dorms, but about his words.

“What do you mean, not at your ‘prime’?”

You furrow your brows in confusion as you stare back at him, searching for answers. This Rook- with far more obvious muscle definition and hardened expressions- seemed quite at his fully-functioning peak. You step towards him, your eyes raking over his form, lingering at his rough, calloused hands on his hips, at his broad, freckle-covered chest, and at his perfect cupid’s bow, where a stray freckle laid. “Mon trickster,” he speaks, the sharp twang of his accent making you shiver. His lips rise into a knowing grin. Your eyes snap back up to his eyes, glued to you in irony. “It’s rude to stare.”

Your cheeks heat up only for a moment, but you wave him off. “Rook…” You start, giving him one more once over before glancing away again, not wanting to get too caught up in observing his proportions. “I don’t think this isn’t your prime. If anything…” You turn to him again, looking him in the eyes. You roll your bottom lip between your teeth before hurriedly spitting out the words before you could regret them. “...I think you’re beautiful.” 

You would expect Rook, of all people, to be unfazed by these words. However, he seems a bit taken aback, his eyes widening and his posture straightening, before he leans back forward again, his predatory smirk stretching wider across his face. “Merci, mon chéri, however, I do believe-”

“I mean it.” You quickly interrupt him, stopping him from beginning a self-depricating tirade of how unaccustomed he used to be to the concept of beauty. “I think you’re beautiful like this.” You face him head-on, your heart pounding loudly in your ears. This shouldn’t feel like confessing, but strangely, it does. 

Now it’s Rook’s turn to blush. His smile fades, his eyes going from knowing to gentle curiosity. The warm redness of the blush spreads across his tan cheeks, accentuating the darkness of his freckles. Something about that is endearing to you, and for a moment, you are emboldened. 

You step closer to him, to which he instinctively steps back, maintaining space while his senses are momentarily thrown off by his reaction to your praise. However, he doesn’t get to do that for long. He stumbles back into a stool, gripping onto its edge as he falls onto it, surprised. He would have known that was there, if not for your closeness and persistence. You move even closer, placing a knee between his thighs on the stool, boosting your height and leaning in to grab his face. He freezes, momentarily shocked by your bold actions, but he soon relaxes, his shoulders falling and his breathing returning to normal. He looks down, his eyes becoming hooded before he looks up at you again, his emerald gaze more alluring than before. He bites his lip before speaking, probably to distract you. Admittedly, it almost works. “Mon trickster…” He speaks again, and you wonder how anyone got used to hearing him speak, when such a harsh twang in a smooth accent contradicted so perfectly. He breathes shakily, a blush returning to his face. You deduced he was definitely trying to lure you in. “You’re being… awfully bold today. May I ask what’s brought this on-”

“Your imperfections are what makes your beauty!” You don’t shout, but you do raise your voice, ensuring his words are drowned out. Being this close to him makes you somewhat nervous, but you stand your ground, pressing your palms a little more into the flesh of his cheeks. He blinks at you confusedly, waiting for you to speak. You open your mouth to speak, but close it just as quickly, letting out a few false starts before sighing. You look away, taking a deep breath, before steeling yourself and facing him once more. Slowly, you let your eyes take in his face, until your gaze reaches his freckles, prominent against his tan skin. You find yourself stroking his freckles with your thumbs, gently tracing the nonsensical patterns in which they appear. You finally find your confidence again, and speak without thinking. “Your freckles and tan don’t tell me that you had bad or sensitive skin- they tell me that you loved the sun.” Your voice is so gentle it surprises yourself, not whispered, but low, and filled with a strange intimacy. 

His eyes widen at your words, his lips parted. He breathes shakily, but something about it is genuine this time. His eyes remain fixated on yours, his thick eyebrows downturned in a strange mix of melancholy and yearning. You stroke his face more, and he relaxes, closing his eyes and letting you hold him. You begin to breathe shakily yourself, your body flushing with heat and your fingers beginning to tremble just slightly. You move your right hand from his cheek to his hair, not once lifting your palm. Your fingers gently move through his hair, holding the back of his head, and he leans into your touch, exhaling as your pinky brushes the back of his neck. You lean in as well, following him as he follows your touch. He opens one eye to peer at you curiously, gauging your next action. When you gently pull at his waves, his eye snaps shut again, and he disguises a moan as a throaty exhale. You speak again, led purely by the spur of the moment. “Your uneven bangs and wild hair don’t tell me that you didn’t care for it- it tells me that you took the time to let it grow, and chose not to restrict what was yours.” You say this close to his neck, your lips gently brushing against the shell of his ear. He shivers, gripping the stool harder.

You begin to pull back, keeping your palms to his skin. You move your right hand back to his cheek, where your left hand still rests on his other one. You pause for a moment before drifting both hands downwards, your palms and fingers tickling his jaw and neck. He leans his head back to allow you access, sighing quietly at the feeling. You gently trail your palms and fingers down his neck before finally resting at the base. You then gently drag your hands to his shoulders and squeeze them, looking up at him. His blush still remains, and his lips are still parted, his breathing still shaky. He gazes at you expectantly, as though eagerly awaiting your next bit of praise. You lean towards his face and press your forehead to his, looking down at his shoulders. “Your slouch does not tell me that you had bad posture- it tells me that you were shyer, and didn’t take pride in your appearance.” You begin to trail your palms down his shoulders, your fingers feather-light on his skin in their wake. He shivers at the gentle stimulation, closing his eyes again. His breathing gets heavier and shakier, and you begin to feel heat pool within you once more. You pull your head back, straightening up as your stare at him. Leaning your face close to his, you continue to trail your palms down his arms, your fingers lightly pressing into his muscles, mapping out the structure of his body. Eventually you lift your palms, using only your fingers to trail down his forearm, tracing the insides of his wrists. He hardly flinches, likely expecting this, but still shivers at the sensation. “It also tells me…” You continue, your lips mere inches from his, but not daring to move any closer, staring at his cupid’s bow and blonde lashes. Your fingers reach his hands, and you gently pry them from their grip on the stool, moving them to his lap, palms up. You trace your fingers along his rough, calloused palms and fingers, making shapes and patterns. “...That you took more pride in the things you did with your hands.” You press your palms into his and his eyes flutter open, not surprised to find you mere inches from his face. He exhales, his blush deepening. He blinks at you, knowing you still weren’t finished yet. 

“Your imperfections lead me to your beauty. That’s why…” You trail off, lifting one hand from his palm and caressing his cheek once more. “...You’re beautiful.”

You begin to pull back, closing your eyes and quickly moving away, beginning to move your knee from between his thighs on the stool. However, he quickly grabs you, his fingers gripping the back of your uniform as he pulls you in. Your knee follows your movements, pushing into his inner thigh on the stool. He sharply inhales, looking down, before looking back up at you with hooded eyes. His eyes still look expectant, as though he still wants more.

“Mon trickster…” He says lowly, pulling you in further. Your knee presses harder against his inner thigh and your upper body closer towards his. He breathes shakily, moving one hand from the back of your uniform to the front, bunching some of it in his grasp. He tilts his head towards you, and you can feel his breath on your lips as your eyes lock with his. Heat flushes through your body again.

“Are there any other… imperfect beauties… that I possess, that you’d like to point out to me?”

rejoice! entertainment be upon ye!

a/n: okay but seriously, i hope u all enjoyed! i wrote this in like,, a few hours? for reference it is like. 5:45 am where i am as i type this LOLLLL! i was up lateee bc i no longer have schoolwork which meansss every spare second i have that im not working working, ill be doing these. anyways! please please pleeeeaaaasssseee leave a like, comment, and a reblog if u liked it! i love 2 know that u loved my work! ik its been a while but i promise 2 try 2 be more active… i swear!! oh, and leave an ask if u have any ideas about other things i should write!

#twisted wonderland #twisted wonderland smut #minors dni #rook twst #rook x reader #twst rook #rook hunt #rook twisted wonderland #rook hunt x reader #rook hunt twisted wonderland #rook hunt twst #rook hunt x yuu #rook hunt smut #twst #rook hunt x mc

[woednesdayaddams]

vero you're the coolest person on this site. maybe even this earth. you've got the kenergy. you are kenough.

this gives s energy so bad. so shoutout to @edxmunson just in case, she's the coolest and she's seen oppenheimer before me so she's obviously above on the pedestal.

and i think she's the only one i bothered with the movies lmao. but anyway, thank you for this message, just woke up from a lil dental surgery and tbh i can't stop kenning, so seeing i am kenough is just... wow. once you ken you can never go back, there's no unkenning, y'know?

everyone's kenough. vero gives this blessing to everyone who comes across this.

#♱ vero speaks. #believe it or not i am off meds and i wrote this #this is my mental capacity #follow my bestie s just in case this is also a promo #im putting this under queue bc im also gonna write some stuff

[empresskylo]

➠𝐌𝐃𝐍𝐈; 𝟏𝟖+ 𝐂𝐎𝐍𝐓𝐄𝐍𝐓; 𝐄𝐗𝐏𝐋𝐈𝐂𝐈𝐓 𝐂𝐎𝐍𝐓𝐄𝐍𝐓

ZOMBIE!SIMON 'GHOST' RILEY X AFAB!READER

SUMMARY | Simon is dead. And you were forced to leave him behind as the rise of the dead took over. When you volunteer to sneak back into base to grab med supplies, you don't expect to run into Simon—alive, but certainly not himself...

WARNINGS | dead dove do not eat! this is literally smut about zombie!ghost... so... beware i suppose. gore. dub-con?? afab!reader. wc 3k

⋇⋆✦⋆⋇ lock me up! send me to jail!!! i can't believe I wrote this yes i can. This is how down bad i am for Ghost, I literally wrote smut about fucking him as a zombie... someone send the authorities, i need my internet taken away. (happy oct 1st btw)

𝐜𝐨𝐝 𝐦𝐚𝐬𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐥𝐢𝐬𝐭 ✩ 𝐦𝐚𝐢𝐧 𝐦𝐚𝐬𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐥𝐢𝐬𝐭

It had been less than two days since you lost Simon.

The image of him dying in the infirmary wing, bleeding out on the bed, was plastered behind your eyes. You saw it every waking moment and even dreamt of it during the night. You could still feel Soap’s hands squeezing your arms far too aggressively as he dragged you out of the infirmary while you cried out for Simon. You tried to claw your way to him but Soap was stronger than you by a long shot. “We have to get out of here!” he shouted at you over the cacophony of voices, people running around frantically. You let him drag you away to safety, your body limp in his hold, thinking of Simon’s dying breath.

The infirmary had promptly been boarded up, the doors all sealed tight. The breakout had begun a few weeks ago and it only just infiltrated the base. When Ghost had come back, bleeding out after a mission gone wrong, you furiously checked him for bite marks. The relief you felt when you didn’t find any was short-lived. Simon had lost a lot of blood. Too much blood. You could still see it covering your hands the days following like a wraith. You felt like his blood was still wedged under your fingernails even after scrubbing your hands violently in a bucket of water. 

With the infirmary infected and the outside world gone, you had little options but to hunker down in the barracks. There were small hunting groups that would leave base and dare to edge into the city, trying to help people, and gathering resources. Ghost had been in one of those first groups to leave the safe confines of base. You wished you had begged him to stay. Pleaded with him not to go. 

The lights above you flickered, the generator not the most reliable of equipment. You looked across the table to your teammates, trying to keep yourself pulled together. It was only at night that you let yourself feel the pain, crying yourself to sleep. 

“We’re never gonna survive here if we don’t get that medical supplies,” Soap explained. 

“It’s too dangerous, Soap. We have no idea how bad it got in there. We have no way of knowing if all the bodies left behind turned,” Price retorted, pulling off his beanie and running his hand through his hair in nerves. 

“So, what then? We’re gonna send more men off to die, tryin’ to get shit from the city?”

Price closed his eyes momentarily. The bags forming under them showed just how little sleep he was getting. “We can’t risk more men. We’d be sendin’ them to their death, Soap. We don’t have the ammo to spare.”

“We don’t know that. We’re still not even sure if it's a guarantee the dead will change, or if they have to be bit.”

“It’s too–”

You cut the men off. “I can go.” Both their heads snapped in your direction. “I’m just a technician. With everything gone to shit, I haven’t been as much help as you guys have been. I can’t fight. I can’t–”

“No. We’re not riskin’ you,” Soap said sternly. 

“Soap,” you breathed. “I’m the only one here that isn’t crucial to the team. And don’t argue with me. It’s just a fact. Let me go. I can sneak in and grab what we need. I’m far quieter than any of you boisterous men anyways.”

Soap breathed your name. He was worried about you. He could see the pain in your eyes after losing Simon. He was worried this was a suicide mission. And that you wanted that. 

“Let me be of use,” you begged. Soap wanted to argue. So did Price. But you were right. You would be the fastest. And as much as they valued you, the remaining men couldn’t survive here without Soap or Price. 

“Lass, are you sure?” Soap said finally. He wanted you to feel useful, but he didn’t want you running off and risking your life because of the pain you felt from losing Simon. 

“Let me do it, Soap. Please. I need this.”

He couldn’t argue with you. He didn’t have it in him to hurt you more than you were already hurting. 

“Fine. But I’m not happy about this.”

You stood in your gear, an empty backpack plastered to your back waiting to be filled with medical supplies. Price had gone over the layout of the wing with you, showing you exactly where you needed to go to get the right supplies on a map of the building. 

You stood before the infirmary doors, the ones that would lead to a long, winding hall that would bring you to the center of the infirmary. Off of that were several rooms and more halls, and a surgical floor. It was a large span of space to cover, but you believed you could do this. 

“Be quick about it, lass. We’ll be right here when you get back,” Soap said to you, his hand resting on your shoulder. 

You took in a breath and walked up to the doors that had been unlocked, a large piece of plywood that had previously been nailed against it, removed so you could go in. Before you reached out to the door handle, you turned around and rushed into Soap’s arms. He held you tightly, your head tucked right under his chin. “Don’t you fuckin’ die on me,” he mumbled into your hair. 

You pulled back and gave him a sad smile. Then you nodded at Price and faced the daunting doors again. Once you stepped through the threshold and the doors shut behind you, you could hear the plywood being put back up, a hammer nailing it in place. When you got back, you were to knock and Soap would be there waiting to let you back in. 

The hall was flickering with a few overhead lights, the generator still powering a few of the rooms in this wing. 

Ghost had a glazed-over expression when he rolled off his medical bed. The room around him was silent apart from the ticking of a clock in the corner. There was blood pooled all around him and dripping onto the tiled floor as he stood. He had some semblance of who he was, of what happened, but most of his thoughts were hazed over like he was stuck in a daydream. 

He had walked the length of the room, a sudden craving for food hitting the pit of his stomach. Any sound made him snap in that direction, rushing towards it as if on cue. He heard banging coming from one of the med rooms, the door locked and nailed over with whatever scrap of wood they could find. More people like him were trapped behind those doors, their groaning echoing down the hall. 

Ghost limped as he walked, remembering how he had been shot in his leg. He looked down at his crimson-stained pants, almost like he should be feeling pain, but he felt nothing. 

Days had passed and he roamed the halls aimlessly, not even getting bored. His mind had drifted off, somewhere that wasn’t in his body, allowing him to walk around like a zombie, completely void of any logical thought. 

He grumbled as he made his rounds, stuck in a time loop, walking down the flickering hall again and again, passing by bodies that had been left behind. 

He hesitated when he heard something. He turned to look in the direction of the noise, intrigued. It sounded like someone had just walked blindly into a metal medical tray, knocking instruments onto the floor. His movements were fast and nimble as he approached the sound. 

He froze in place when he saw you–though he didn’t know who you were at that moment. You cursed yourself for being loud but didn’t hear anything in retaliation so you figured you were safe. Your hand rested on the knife strapped to your hip anyway.

You were edging towards the main infirmary double doors, your hand touching the metal of the handle. You should go in there and get supplies, but that’s where you had last seen Simon. You didn’t have it in you to see what had become of him, his body rotting alone. 

Instead, you walked down the hall and into a storage closet, oblivious to the shell of Ghost who trailed behind you. 

You left the door to the storage room open to let in a few strips of light so you could see better. You hunched over and began to dig through the supplies that had been thrown all over the floor in panic. 

Ghost rolled his neck as he saw you in the room, your back to him. He had a sudden urge to sink his teeth deep into your skin, to tear you to shreds. In fact, he wanted nothing more; the instinct was overpowering. 

But when he got close, he could hear your voice as you mumbled to yourself, going over the list of the items you needed. You held up a pack of linens, trying to see if they were clean. “These will have to do,” you said softly, shoving them into your backpack. 

A wave of familiarity surfaced inside Ghost, a strange feeling of being alive pumping through his veins. When he got to the doorframe, he could smell you. His senses heightened, the waft of your natural scent sent Ghost into a daze. He remembered—though he wasn’t sure what he was remembering. All he knew was that he recognized that smell. 

His body had felt like it was in hibernation, his motors set on autopilot as he mindlessly walked down the halls. But suddenly, Ghost’s true mind was brought to the forefront. And his body craved you, though not in the way he had just moments earlier. He didn’t want to sink his teeth into your neck, he wanted to feel your warmth against him. 

Ghost moved with such dexterity and silence, it was clear he was no longer human. When you stood, his arms immediately wrapped around you, eliciting a scream from your throat. 

Ghost still wasn’t fully comprehending what was happening; all he knew was that his body wanted you. His hand slid up around your neck, leaving a trail of blood on your clothes. He tried to speak, but he couldn't fathom what he wanted to say. All that came out was a strangled groan. 

You sputtered, trying to catch your breath as your heart raced in your chest. Ghost felt for your pulse beneath his fingertips, relishing in the way your blood pumped through your body. 

You turned your head slightly, spying the man who had you trapped against the many shelves in the closet.

It was Simon.

Terror flooded your system. He didn’t look like himself. His eyes were glossed over, his pupils and iris almost unidentifiable, the entirety of his eyes were white, appearing like he was blind. The blood that had soaked his face had congealed, the rusted color running down his clothes where he was shot in the chest and leg. He looked just how you left him, and it sent a sense of terror through you. 

“S-Simon?” You whispered, unsure if you were caught in a nightmare. 

A groan escaped his cracked lips. You gulped. He had become one of them . 

You were certain he was about to tear you apart, just as you had seen other fallen men do to your teammates. You closed your eyes, tears rushing down your cheeks as you prepared for the worst. His hands felt cold around your neck, like ice. You shivered against him. You accepted your fate—a small part of you actually wanted it. You wanted him to end you. To take you down with him. You didn't want to be alone anymore.

He nuzzled his nose against your neck and you squeezed your eyes shut, preparing for him to bite you. But it never came. 

Instead, he just moved his nose against you, smelling your hair and skin. His hands were still locked tightly against you, but they began to travel across your body. You opened your eyes in shock. Ghost’s hands trailed your chest, groping you with one hand, the other sprawling over the front of your thigh and stomach. You gasped in surprise. 

You felt him harden against you, something you had experienced many times before now, and the familiarity of it made your heart pound with mixed emotions. Your mind was too caught up trying to decipher what was happening to truly take the moment in. 

Ghost’s cold hands slid under your black shirt, snaking their way up to your breasts, cupping each one in his hands. Your nipples immediately hardened from the iciness of his touch. He ground himself against your backside, making you close your eyes in a moment of reprieve. You got lost in the past, imagining this was how it used to be. How he had touched you so many times before. 

You breathed his name and he seemed to like that, for he rolled his hips against you harder, his chest rumbling in satisfaction. 

The cold of his hands left you, making you oddly yearn to have them back on your skin. His fingers traced the hem of your pants before aggressively pulling them down. He got them past the curve of your ass and turned your bodies so your hips hit the edge of a shelving unit that acted as a table. You knocked all the supplies off as Ghost pushed you down against it, using your hands to catch yourself. 

Ghost shuffled with his own pants, wasting no time at all to slip himself inside you. You called out in a brief shock of pain. He held himself deep within you, his hands squeezing as he held you, his body bent over slightly, his chest flat against your back. Your own hands reached out to grab the edge of the table to help steady yourself. The searing heat of you against his frozen skin spread through him like wildfire.

Your cries ignited a flame in Ghost’s chest—the feel of your body, the sound of your gasps, the smell of your hair—felt natural, like this was exactly what he was supposed to be doing. That he was made to take you like this. That your body against him was something so ingrained in his system, that he had no choice to to let his limbs move on muscle memory. 

He began to thrust inside you, your hips hitting the table with each snap of his hips. His hand snaked around your neck, the smear of blood now coating your skin. One of your hands came up to wrap around his wrist, resting it there in support. 

You groaned as he rocked into you harder. The pain from his sudden intrusion had subsided, and now you were filled with a haze of rapture. A tear slid down your cheek. You were unable to process what was happening, but what you did know was that you had missed Simon more than anything and that this wasn’t real. This wouldn’t last longer than this moment in time. 

Ghost’s chest rumbled in pleasure as he thrusted into you. Your walls squeezed around him and he let out a loud groan. His arm not clutching your neck wrapped around your midsection, pulling you away from the table so you were flesh against him. He held you tight, almost like he couldn’t get you close enough. That if he had his way, he’d let you make a home beneath his skin. 

His hips snapped vehemently against you, his pace quickening. You moaned, your sounds coming out strangled as his cold hand held your neck. Your walls tightened around him, your climax rapidly approaching. You couldn’t quite believe that you were not only fucking your dead boyfriend, but you were going to come in record time. 

You were absolutely intoxicating to him as your warmth clenched down on him, your heat something recognizable to him, and yet, the intimacy was foreign at the same time. Now that he was devoid of his usual body temperature, the warm feeling of you around him was almost painful. 

When you mewled and cried under him, your walls spasaming, he drew himself to the edge right behind you. Ghost came inside you with a great urge, growling in your ear as he tried to support the two of you. You felt him fill you, the white fluid seeping out around where his cock continued to pump in and out of you. His movements became sloppy, your legs shaking, your hand clutching onto his wrist for dear life. 

You couldn’t hold back the cascade of tears, finally letting them flow as Ghost slowed his pace before stopping altogether. He edged out of you, his arms hesitantly letting you go, and you immediately turned around to face him, burying your face in his chest. You sobbed as he stood there. His arms didn’t reach out and hold you like he once would. He didn’t try to comfort you like he always did so well. 

But still, he just let you huddle against him, taking what you needed from him. He didn’t attack you. He didn’t try to kill you. He wasn’t himself, but he wasn’t fully gone either. You turned to look up at him, resting your chin on his chest. He looked down and you stifled a cry. His white eyes were going to be permanently burned into your mind, haunting you for eternity. His face was sullen and blanched, blood smearing all across him; fresh blood dripping slightly from his mouth.

You tentatively reached a hand up and rested it on his frozen cheek. “I’m sorry,” you mumbled. Ghost made no indication he could even hear you. 

You took in a deep breath, willing yourself to do this, and stepped back. You adjusted yourself before slowly reaching down for your bag. Ghost stood and watched you, the only thing moving was the tilt of his head as he traced your movements. 

You shuffled to the door, anticipating him to reach out and end this daydream, ripping you apart. But he just watched you go, his mind riddled with foggy thoughts. He wanted to tear into you, but another part of him prevented him from doing so. He wanted to grab you and hold you against him for some reason. He liked the warmth your body provided. But another part of him felt nothing at all. 

He watched you leave in a stupor, his mind just barely grasping onto the image and memory of you. It’s true, he wasn’t completely gone, but he was fading fast. 

You cried violently as you stumbled back to the exit. When you banged on the doors, you heard the plywood being ripped off and the doors swinging open. Soap pulled you back into the base and held you at arm's length. “What happened?” he asked desperately. You were sobbing and covered in blood.

Should you tell him? Would Soap let you return to Simon knowing he wasn’t gone? Or would they make you stay here, letting Simon slip away forever? 

You suddenly regretted leaving him. You should have stayed with Simon, even if he was a shell of who he used to be. You should have waited the time out together until he fully lost himself, and you would let him take you down with him. 

#ghost #simon riley #ghost smut #ghost x reader #simon riley x reader #cod #simon riley smut #ghost cod #ghost fanfic #simon riley fanfic #ghost mw2 #ghost call of duty #fluff #angst #ghost angst #cod mw2 #smut #zombie!ghost #modern zombie #cod zombies

[stay-tiny-ville]

Christopher Bang Chan

Summary ~ More of my delulu little ideas on paper for Bang Chan (or just dating head cannons I have for Christopher Bang Chan)

A.N. - I wouldn’t say Channie is my bias in Stray Kids but I do know I love him with my whole heart and he deserves so much love and care

A.N. 2 - this was the first of the group I wrote for and I got lost in my feels and I actually cried a bit I love him and they kind of jump from topic to topic lmao

A.N. 3 - I KNOW CHAN IS ON DELULU STAYS ABOUT FANFIC AND SHIT AND IF I EVER GET CAUGHT BEST KNOW I AM SIMPLY POOFING FROM EXISTENCE

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Baby, Babygirl are names I know many many people agree on him calling you and I honestly hated the name until I truly thought about him

Swings your attached hands when walking and would make you do spins by lifting his hand sometimes or would swing your hands over your shoulder so he’s resting his arm on your shoulder and pulls you to his side

He would hold you by your hips a lot

Would move you by your hips too, like when he would try to scoot behind you to get something he would just lift you by your hips and place you beside him as he passes by

Overall loves to lift you

Every so often he would lift you from the bed to the car

You’re shifted so your facing him while sitting and he’s holding your hand

Would play soft music and in the soft atmosphere you two would whisper to not shatter the silence

Pulls out a blanket from the back seat and cover you while you slowly drift in and out

Parks the car at a quaint location, perfect sky view

Carries you bridal style to the trunk and sets you on the bed of pillows and blankets

He lays on his back and tucks you into his left side, head on his shoulder/neck/left side of his chest

His left arm is folded back to hold your head and runs his hands through your hair

His right arm runs along the expanse of your open skin on your arms/waist/hips and would bring it up to your cheek while staring at you

You feel lost in his voice and how comfortable you feel with him that you drift again while he whispers to you about the boys or comebacks or his day or just his love for you

As the sun rises/sets he gets photos of the beautiful view for you and some of you on his phone for himself

As you struggle to stay awake to spend more time with your boy, he smiles gently and whispers “You can sleep now, love, it’s ok”

Sobs.

He’s the type to not only make playlists for you but songs about you, for you

I think he, compared to some others in this group, would be less obvious about it being about you or direct with the lyrics

I think when he shows it to you, while you sit on his lap in the recording room, you of course love it and when he says it’s about you, you probably cry

He just casually mentions that the chord progression or the overall feel of the song is how he felt meeting you or falling in love with you and you whip around to face him and he just stares into your soul

You fall into his arms and he wraps one arm fully around your back and the other behind your head and just laughs his gorgeous, joyous laugh

Knows all the boyfriend rules ofc (sidewalk rule, holding the cart at the store, etc.)

He’s a natural

Sometimes when he has insomnia you try to stay with him for as long as possible since that’s really the only time you see him, at night, since he’s busy a lot

He really really appreciates it but one time you lay or sit on his lap and fall asleep on him while trying really hard to stay awake and once he knows you’re out he cries because he’s just so overwhelmed with emotion and love

You’re his biggest fan (personally I believe when he calls stays babygirl through the camera he’s only talking to you)

If you learned his other language be it his native australian or korean (and be it for him or not) he would probably cry

No matter what, you always end the day in his arms, angry or not and i personally believe he’s not the type to go to bed angry

If you’re the type of person to fall off your phone/social media for days/weeks on end like me I think he’d understand but would want to have your location just to know you’re ok

Would probably call you when he knows your done with school/work on those types of days

Biggest, warmest, whole body hugs where all you feel is him

Knows your smell/touch/voice by heart and smiles whenever he gets a sense of it

If you’re the chaotic, wanders off on their own a bit/ child wanderer type, he’d gain another parent instinct of grabbing on to you while continuing whatever he’s doing/ talking to without pause

I think about it a lot more recently on how he doesn’t love himself and it scratches at my heart raw and the only way I think I can ever die peacefully is by knowing someone taught him to love himself the way I love and absolutely adore him as do millions of other people.

#bang chan x reader #stray kids bang chan x reader #christopher chan bang #stray kids imagines #stray kids x reader #stray kids #skz x reader #skz imagines #skz fluff #skz scenarios #skz bang chan #skz bang chan x reader

[dusteebowl]

When the party's over

pairing: Baptiste x Mauga

warnings: slightly spicy. nothing explicit, but its implied that they did the horizontal tango before the start of the fic, unrequited love, hurt but no comfort

rating: T

a/n: I wrote this in like 30 minutes, do not judge me. also i have no idea what the interactions between mauga and bap are like in game yet but we can all agree there was some kind of situationship going on, right? also, if you find yourself in Baptiste's position, run girl. you're too good for him

“Don’t you know I’m no good for you?”

Baptiste looked up at Mauga who was lying next to him, both of them naked as the day they were born. He hadn’t meant for it to go this far again, but when his friend had sent him a text asking him to come to the Talon Med Bay at 1 am, what was left of his judgement had gone out the window.

The audacity wasn’t lost on him, however. Mauga was the one that had sent the message, and now he dared to tell him he wasn’t good enough for him.

“Why do you keep contacting me outside of work then?” Baptiste pointed out now.

The tank chuckled. It was the one that Baptiste could barely resist, and he had to force himself not to feel the butterflies in his stomach from it.

“I mean to say,” his companion said, “that you don’t come here expecting there to be feelings and sentiment and that bullshit, right?”

I learned to leave you, can’t afford to.

“Of course not,” Baptiste said. “I’m an adult, Mauga.”

It was a lie, though. Not that he didn’t know there weren’t feelings on Mauga’s part. But that some part of Baptiste, however small it was, really wanted to believe that eventually maybe there could. “But you nearly gave me a heart attack when you told me you got hurt on your latest mission. There are other medics in Talon, you know.”

Mauga smirked. “I know, but none of their bedside manner’s as great as yours. Neither is their, well, should I say post-op care?”

Baptiste snorted despite himself. “I’d hardly call wrapping a few bandages around your wounds an operation. You’re lucky I’d been in the Talon dorms when you texted at all.”

He wasn’t.

Tore my shirt to stop the bleeding

Another smirk, and before he knew it Mauga’s lips were on his own leaving the medic absolutely breathless. It dizzied him and made him see stars. They fit so well together and were always so soft, no matter where he placed them. How could he make him so thoroughly drunk on his scent every time? So absolutely intoxicated with his touch? It was addictive.

 The medic placed his hand on Mauga’s cheek to pull him closer. He wanted to be utterly lost in him, but before it could go any further, the larger man pulled away from the kiss he himself initiated.

“What can I say? You’re my lucky charm.”

He said it so easily, like he hadn’t given Baptiste the kiss of his life. Meanwhile Baptiste fought to keep his breathing under control.

Before he could even get his bearings right after that mind-blowing kiss, he felt rather than saw the bed shift next to him and heard Mauga grunting as he put his clothes back on. The tank must have seen the look on his face because he quirked up one of his eyebrows. “What? Don’t tell me you were expecting me to stay?”

Yes. “No, of course not.”

But nothing ever stops you leaving

Mauga chuckled again. “Thought you’d gone all soft on me, Bap.”

“Never.”

Without so much as a look back, Mauga bid farewell and left the room, taking his warmth with him.

Quiet when I’m coming home, and I’m on my own.

It could’ve been 15 minutes that Baptiste stared at that door. He didn’t know. He hadn’t expected that last kiss. The two of them hardly kissed after. There was never any cuddling, either. A part of him hoped that maybe this was the time he would come back, that he would rush through the door, sweep him off his feet and—

“Jesus, I’m acting like a child,” he muttered to himself. “Really Baptiste? One kiss is all it takes to send you spiraling?”

Yes. Yes, it was.

No, it was better that the arrangement stayed the way it was. For the both of them. The world was a dangerous place, and they couldn’t afford to be distracted. Out there on the field when there were enemies everywhere, even one moment of hesitation could be life and death.

It was better like this. Definitely.

I could lie, say I like it like that, like it like that

#jean baptiste augustin #mauga ho'okano #baptiste x mauga #maugiste

[only-mostlydead]

Hello. Today is my 30th birthday, and I am in bed recovering from surgery. To entertain myself, I wrote up a list of 30 things I'm glad I learned before I turned 30, and now I'm sharing it with you. Take what resonates, leave what doesn't.

30 Things I'm Glad I Learned Before I Turned 30

You can decline to be weighed at the doctor's office. Seriously. Unless they're dosing meds or need to report it to your insurance for something, you can say no thanks. And if they have to weigh you, you can request that they don't tell you the number.

Fed is better than not fed. There are days when my stomach won't tolerate anything except cheese puffs, so I eat the damn cheese puffs, without judgment. Feed yourself the best you can, and know that this will look different every day

Eventually, people will always tell you who they really are. Believe them the first time (this one comes from my mom).

Not living up to family expectations is very often a good thing. Your life needs to make you happy. You are your own person with no obligation to be what they want you to be.

Having a creative hobby that you're not "good" at is important. For me, it's watercolors. I do them because they bring me joy, not because I'm trying to be good at them. That's not to say that I don't love what I paint - I do. But there's no pressure for it to be anything other than fun.

Your job doesn't have to be fulfilling - it can just be a fundraiser for the things in your life that do bring you fulfillment.

Mental health is every bit as important as physical health. Don't neglect either.

When you have nothing to be sorry for, say thank you instead. Thank you for listening instead of sorry I bothered you, thank you for helping me instead of sorry I needed help. I'm not always good at this one.

Throw away the clothing with holes. You deserve clothing that doesn't have holes.

Your clothes are meant to fit you, not the other way around. Your body is the thing that carries you through your life. Clothes that don't fit are just scraps of fabric who aren't meeting their performance goals.

Everything is figure out-able. This one also comes from my mom.

Laziness doesn't really exist; it's almost always a response to something else (burnout, low self-esteem, etc).

Being your most authentic self is scary. It's also 100% worth it. Life has gotten better every time I've been even a tiny bit more myself.

There is no timetable for when you should hit certain milestones. You are not behind. You are on your own time.

Femininity means whatever I want it to mean, not what society tells me it means. Everything I do is feminine because I say it is, and no one can tell me otherwise.

Your job doesn't care about you. If you disappeared from the face of the earth, they would replace you immediately. You should bring them the same energy. You're the only one who will look out for you.

Use your PTO. Every damn second of it. When I started my current job, I was told that no one used all of their time off. I do. Every year.

Dieting literally does not work. Scientifically. Reading up on the Minnesota Starvation Experiment, Famine Response, and why BMI is literally sexist, racist bullshit changed my life.

Doctors might be experts in their respective fields, but they are not experts in what it's like to live in your body. Whenever possible, find one who makes you an active participant in your care plan.

Wear whatever the hell you want. Life is too short to worry what other people will think.

Live theatre, good meals, and beautiful tattoos are always worth the money.

Anger isn't inherently bad. Most of the time, it's your signal that something is wrong. This is the most impactful thing my therapist ever taught me as an ex-vangelical who grew up hearing that anger was a sin.

Don't put down the things that bring others joy. If they're not hurting you, themself, or anyone else, why waste your energy?

You cannot miss out on the things that are meant for you. If you miss it, it wasn't meant for you, and you should probably be grateful you missed it.

If I'm too much, go find less.

You are always responsible for your actions. Diagnoses, negative life experiences, and the like might explain bad behavior, but it doesn't excuse it. You are responsible for you.

Your feelings are always valid, but they are not always correct.

Go outside. Every day if you can. Even if it's for 30 seconds. Go get some fresh air on your face and look at a tree. If you can't make it outside, open a window, even just for a minute. Your brain will thank you.

You can leave. Hate the fitness class? Leave. Party too loud? Leave. Doctor not listening? L e a v e. As the famous tumblr post goes, if it sucks, hit da bricks!

You need nothing days. Days where you intentionally do absolutely nothing and feel zero guilt for that. Sit in bed, binge a Netflix show, eat some snacks, and don't think about all the things you're not doing. Let yourself rest, dammit.

#30th post

[aucatgirl]

I got diagnosed with bipolar 1 w/ psychotic features in October, but I’m talking about it more now bc it’s really starting to sink in how much it explains for me… like… woag. This is crazy. My behavior is actually explainable and relatively common. Not only am I not overreacting for continually saying I had an undiagnosed mental illness, but it is as severe as I believed. Sometimes your intuition is right

For years I felt crazy whenever I told people I had psychosis But Only Sometimes, and couldn’t figure out what could possibly cause that. Apparently around half of people with bipolar 1 have psychosis during episodes and then have memory loss/regret after the fact. That’s wild.

Getting misdiagnosed as ADHD despite not having symptoms as a child? So apparently bipolar and ADHD can present very similarly on the surface. Had no clue about that. What’s funny is that I would “switch” between hyperactive and inattentive types. Not how that works, lol

Getting way motivated to write and write and write forever but only sometimes? Very common and recorded thing, the reason why a lot of famous writers have bipolar. One of my psychiatrist’s other patients wrote a large poetry book in less than a week. I wrote a fantasy novel in a month

The thing I feel the most shame about, self isolating at the slightest stress and having a sort of “on and off” approach to relationships? Whoops. Not great, but common, typically a result of rejection sensitivity and/or psychosis. It’s the unfortunate reality that you may be difficult to be friends with. It’s not worth getting into a self-hate spiral for, though, there are plenty of patient people in the world and you just have to keep learning to manage

And the thing I always beat myself up for, I felt like I couldn’t get help because I cycled through “mental illness? What mental illness? I’m totally fine!” to “I need serious help but I feel too depressed and awful to do it”. Super common. It’s the reason a lot of people w bipolar stop taking their meds. That’s wild, too.

I really wish I’d known these things about bipolar outside of the basics before because I might’ve recognized it in myself. Or maybe not, because self-awareness in bipolar tends to be extremely low, and so was mine!!

#🐈 #not a PSA just a personal ramble lol #this is leaving out some of the worst stuff cus like. I don’t wanna get THAT personal

[bainofjustice]

Payday's Most Forgotten Main Character - Speical Agent Jordan Griffin

Introduction

Hello, as my description at time of writing says I am Jordan Griffin's number #1 fan but you see I haven't given myself this title because I've made lots of fan content (I'm working on that) but because I am one of only two of her fans (I recruited a friend to her Fandom). (Might be three but IDK who wrote the Payday 2 character tv tropes page)

I want to have to fight for this title, I wanna see others think about & explore her character.

So I am writing this! It will cover all of her canon appearances, where I would have taken her character within Payday 2's plot & some theories and headcanons.

Payday: The Web Series

Jordan is one of the main characters of The Web Series & outside of Bain, Vlad Kozak Gage & brief scenes is one of the only characters to appear in multiple episodes. She is also the only character I would agure has a arc thoughout the episodes & acts as a recurring pov.

The audience first meets Jordan Griffin in episode 3, she is discussing with her partner (Agent Riker) about her thoery that Hector Morales is working for Crime.Net, Agent Riker attempts to brush off this thoery by both pointing to how little evidence she has found about Crime.Net & pointing to her mental health (stating that she must just be tried, implying she is not in her right state of mind). When this scene ends it is revealed Bain already has eyes on her and placed Riker as a mole.

This scene established a lot of interesting stuff

Jordan with the limited info of the events of PD1 & the earliest heists of 2 was able to put enough evidence together to both figure out Crime.Net existed & its name. Remember that during the events of the web series it is just coming out of beta, likely meaning it's number of users was low & trusted allies so for Jordan to find all this meant some serious digging

I forget if it's on the board or if she says it (limited wi-fi so avoiding watching stuff) but she mentions Bain's name as the owner of Crime.net, not the most impressive as it seems like his name is mentioned a lot in the criminal world to the point that even yakuza clans know about him. Still I feel it worth noting.

This scene is also the first we see anyone (on screen, obviously off screen between 1 & 2 the FBI found out) in the FBI suspect Hector of being related to the Payday gang, it's also worth noting that Jordan already has him pinned of other crimes, possibly the same ones that got him got by the fbi. It's also interesting she didn't know he was a rat for the fbi & was working to arrest him.

Speaking of the board I mentioned, she has a whole conspiracy board in her office for the payday gang & crime.net, it has multiple of the contractors on it, including Vlad (whom at least by the time of Hoxton breakout the FBI believe is a law abiding civilian).

It is also established that Jordan deals with some ableism as a part of how Bain tries to deal with her, it's seen in Rikers comment and made more notable by the fact that Jordan is shown later taking unknown meds from a prescription bottle.

It is also established that Bain considers Jordan enough of a threat to have a mole specifically keeping an eye on her.

As a whole I consider this a strong start for building her up as a threat to the gang & a foil to them, much like them she is working semi out of the system to achieve her goals & like them is seeking answers for questions much bigger than herself, only issue is these traits are directed at taking down Bain & Crime.Net.

In Episode 4, Jordan interviews Dallas whom is undercover as the bank manager for First World Bank, thoughout this Jordan is very suspicious of him & he ends up leaving earlier than likely planned, taking his obertunity when Jordan is called away for something.

I find two things about this very interesting, first being that the series went semi out of its way to allow Dallas & Jordan to meet, while the cover was also used for the heist & the scene also allows for a interesting story telling device of showing different versions of scenes the audience already saw the scene could have easily been from Dallas pov woth random cops but no: it's a mixed pov scene & Jordan is used despite it actually making little sense given how she's treated in the FBI (I will get into that later)

I also find it noteworthy how Dallas treats her, it's very much as a real threat & he does his best to tell her the cover story straight but as it becomes clearer that she is suspicious & isn't falling for it he ends up taking a chance to escape before she can ask more questions.

Also funfact is that this scene is what established Nathan Steele as Dallas civilian name. Jordan also established in this scene being particular about being called Special Agent (Jordan) Griffin.

In Episode 5, Jordan manges to leak to a reporter her theories about crime.net, which ends up in the tv news. Jordan & Riker get pulled aside by their boss and get royalty told off because as it turns out, this isn't their job! Jordan has just been doing all of this on top her real cases for the fbi! She hasn't been getting any backing for them & clearly couldn't ask for help with the case given gets in trouble for it! No one told her to do this! She has just been doing it for herself while everyone tells her no!

She follows this up in the next scene by revealing to Riker that she suspects that there is a mole within their department of the FBI, it's later confirmed that she suspects him & told him as much, though also still keeps him close at hand, including when she goes otherwise alone to confront a member of Crime.Net.

THIS IS FOLLOWED BY REVEALING THAT RIKER'S HANDLER IS FUCKING VLAD "THIRD SHADIEST CONTACTOR & KATRU KING" KOZAK

So uh, yeah a lot happens at the end of an episode about the worst assassin Crime.Net ever hired aka Greta.

But wait! There's even fucking more! In episode 6 aka the finale of the web series most of the focus is on her & Vlad (well it's more about Vlad dealing with her) (& Gage but this ain't about him, I'll talk about him when I talk disability in Payday)

this wild episode starts off with Vlad getting called by Bain warning him that Jordan has taken an interest in him & has placed a tracker on his truck, this results in him blowing off Sofia (Aka the woman he has with him when visting the safe house) & as she insists on him staying with her that night (intercut as Vlad thinks with Jordan doing research about Vlad) he ends up pulling a gun on her asking if she isn't useful why does he keep her around. (This is interrupted before goes farther) (I'm noting that last bit for a reason.)

Next we see of Vlad he's getting driven to the spot that's been set up as a trap for Jordan as she follows, he is singing in a slavic language during this (also in previous scenes he has mostly talked in a slavic language besides from his threats to Sofia)

Then the big scene is next for the Jordan & Vlad storyline, Jordan arrives at the parking garage, this is when she confirms in banter with Riker that she is sure that he is the mole, she searches for a lil bit being very on gruad & then reaches the stairs.

This is when Vlad appears & holy hell this convo is interesting to me, especially looking back knowing a lot more about Vlad. So I am going to break this down a lot.

First Vlad says hello to Speical Agent Jordan Griffin, he very clearly already knows some of her quirks well. Meanwhile Jordan jumps right to questions, speaking in the same Slavic language Vlad has throughout the episode used when speaking with his men, she starts off asking how he knows her name which he answers a little birdie told him. Which does line up with what Bain did, including referencing her full status while warning Vlad.

Vlad follows up with

"I know many things, especially how in over head you [Jordan] are."

I'll come back to this later.

Vlad was interrupted by having to tell one of his men to stand down & that he has everything under control.

Vlad then tells Jordan that he doesn't have time to explain things but:

"-You must understand: You got too close to the truth and they will not let you live if you get any closer." -Vlad

Jordan then questions who "they" is, suspecting Crime.Net & Overkill (this was made back when the company included itself as refs & didn't decide yet the name belonged to a biker gang).

Vlad follows up by not answering but saying

"I like you special agent, we are like each other, more than you know."

He then shares that this all has been a "friendly" warning & warns that the next one won't be the same.

He then says that he hopes the pair will meet again under better circumstances, to which once again in a slavic language Jordan repiled with "Perhaps"

Vlad then leaves with his enforcer. Riker whom was waiting in the wings, gun ready arives as Jordan steps back to the floor they parked and when asked she says that she lost them.

Now lemme break down what I can

It is very interesting to me that throughout episode 6 using slavic language is almost showing your in with Vlad, when Vlad is pissed at Sofia he speaks in English, also speaking with Bain & Riker in English but with his enforcer in Slavic & then Jordan starts off speaking in his language and when he says he hopes they meet again under better circumstances it's also in slavic. This to me really shows there was at least some idea that Jordan would continue to be a force in Vlad related stories, perhaps working with him?

This is the first we see of Jordan actively lying & no less lying to cover her & Vlad's assess, til this point she is not shown actively lying

This is also we see of Jordan choosing to not chase a trail and call it quits before getting herself in shit, I do honestly believe in a convo with someone else Jordan would have not lied at the end saying they got away but instead tried to press forward.

Vlad in the very same episode made it clear that even minor things done by people he doesn't need may result in death, which to me brings up: what does Vlad want from Jordan? What does she have that neither Bain or another FBI agent could supply?

Thoughout the convo he treats her with more respect than really anyone else we see him in canon talk to, not once swearing or acting out but instead acting very calm & put together.

From some of the stuff he says it seems like he honestly wants to tell Jordan more but can't (he blames a time issue, but tbh I feel like it's more because the location was set up by Bain likely meaning he was watching.)

I also find the lines he says about her search for the truth really interesting as it really reminds me of what later happens to Bain, when he starts getting closer to the truth about the Katru he is nearly killed (in the bad ending is fr killed)

I also find the line that they are alike curious, at this time in the story Vlad wasn't too known for a inquisitive nature nor had he shown much interest in uncovering hidden truths. In the context knowing the story wasn't planned from the start I'm not sure what they were planning with this line BUT looking back with what lore we have for Vlad by the end of 2... I'll get to what I think in its own section.

Since this was the final episode this is the last we see of her in live action & even if she shows up again I think will be with a revast or non-live action as her actress is now a right-wing news caster in france 🙃

Appearances In Game

Jordan has two in game appearances!

First is on the second day of Hoxton breakout where she is one of the models spawned in FBI agents can have (model based off her episode 1 outfit).

She does not have any special A.I or anything else meaning any of the following can happen

Her model does not spawn, implying she was not at the office during the attack.

Her model does spawn but one way or another the gang does not interact with her, implying she hid during this.

Her model spawns & the gang zip ties her, leaving her somewhere she isn't killed, this is personally my hc for the canon of the game)

Her model spawns & she guns down a member of the gang, good for her! (This probably the least likely since she is not a special unit & would be in combat with the gang before any assault waves meaning fullish health)

Her model spawns & she is killed (Outside of not spawning this is one of the most likely for a player to do)

Her model spawns & the Joker skill is used on her, making her help the very gang she is trying to catch, possibly dying along the way.

At the end of the day this heist does very little to actually tell us anything about her or her fate as it is totally random what state she's in by the end, especially because as the tv tropes page for her points out most players don't even know who they'd be killing.

But... There is another heist she can spawn in, which neither the tv tropes page nor her wiki (which I need to update) mentions.

Her model can spawn in the Payday 2 version of Taxman, which if I'm not wrong is one of the few remasters that is a flashback/not happening a second time.

Which means that Jordan, likely unknown to Bain or the gang has been long on their trail, this also lines up with what her actual job in the fbi is (which in short is wire fuad, which is mentioned in a episode but I forget which one).

On the flipside if this isn't a flashback we can assume that Jordan is still alive post Hoxton breakout & that it sets a president that unless it's outright a part of the story of the heist named characters like Jordan don't die in heists where there's other options (Makes sense since Bobble Head Bob like Jordan can spawn in heists & die like she can)

I also suspect that Jordan can spawn whenever the game calls for a unarmored FBI agent to spawn but I am yet to test this. But if true basically means Jordan survives well into the endgame & only could for sure have died post Breakin' Feds.

Why I Wish She Was Used More/How I Would Fit Her Into The Plot

Why I Want More:

1. She is my blorbo & I love her 💖💖💖

2. The gang's enemies look like this rn (not counting post game dlc or 3):

A guy relying on the fbi to protect him who was merely a pawn of the fbi (Hector)

A bunch of mindless male police officers

A male police caption who only provides a physical threat

A male fbi head who is only a puppet to people

A male technical guy + military guy, provides a very real intelligental thread with implied help from a female hacker, later redeemed and helps the gang (Locke & Joy)

A mostly male (we never see a woman in Murkeater but I'm gonna assume there's at least one) paramilitary that doubles as a conspiracy group, provides both a physical & social threat

A male puppeteer master, is the only non-physical threat.

You might already see my point, thr gang lacks any non-male enemies which isn't great when combined with theor already low female cast. The developers have mentioned that they wanted to do better on that front & I think a female antagonistic force to the gang would have helped.

Also the gang is really lacking in intellectual threats, only briefly having Locke/Joy hack them which is resolved quick & they aren't a real threat after this & The Dentist whom pulls strings & is a threat to everyone's identities, their serach for The Secret & the world.

But really I think having another intellectual threat, especially one uninvolved with Murkwater would both help feel like the gang has a real risk of something like getting arrested or having their identities leak, I think it would also balance the cast a lot more.

Now while I wanna fix the above making Jordan a main angtag from the get go would change a lot & deserves its own post so here is some closer to canon ideas.

Here's a few ideas of how she could have been used, keep in mind these ideas are based off the limits that 1. The story wasn't planned from the start, 2. The story is mostly shown in heists & fbi files & 3. Jordan is not a main character & 4. My core Jordan thoery is not canon, otherwise this section would be more complicated & require inorging the lack of a plan plotwise.

Without the above limits I would just be giving a pitch for a fanfic I am planning.

Route 1: Mole For Vlad

This in my opinion is one of the more boring options but it is one of the more likely options they would have went with in canon.

For this Jordan would likely off screen started working for Vlad as a dirty fbi agent & in game either be mentioned as a informent or as someone setting things in the fbi hq for the gang in heists they go there.

This route would work well for fics or art that wants a easy route for Jordan to interact with the gang on friendly terms but I feel like outside of fanwork options this isn't the best route.

Ultimately it would make Jordan a bit of a non-character & betray the very justice focused Jordan we see in the web series plus it doesn't address the problems above.

But it is a option that other than what we did get is close to likely.

Route 2: FBI Pov

In this Jordan would remain looking into the Payday gnag though not being as forward, until the FBI files were added.

At that point I would have Jordan serve as the owner of the fbi computer that was hacked, perhaps having her leave notes on all the fbi files about her theories & what she's found.

Perhaps this results in a heist where the gang has to retrieve her evidence & kill her like the Hector heist.

It could also lead to her being the fbi member Kento contacts & sends codes to, perhaps desperate to catch the gang she helps him arrest The Elephant & possibly other contractors.

Or perhaps she remains uninvolved with the emails & instead serves as a pov for the fans not secret hunting by leaving confused files about the Katru related heists & files on clues she doesn't understand.

Route 3: Katru Investigator

Okay so this slimmer to the above, having her leave notes on fbi files & the hacked computer being hers but... The emails aren't, she hacked into the commissioners email & leaves notes on the emails, perhaps acting like a hint for them.

She would also take up what Spetkicguy did in the arg, hacking into things & finding more clues about Mrukywater.

This route likely ends with a callback to what Vlad said, Jordan would get too close to the truth of Murkwater and they would kill her.

My Core Thoery For Jordan Griffin/Route 4: King's Watcher

Okay before I start with this theory let me establish a few things that I will write metas about later:

Vlad is a Katru king, a member of a group of three humans that were selected by powerful beings to guard their secrets, this granted conditional immortality.

The other kings are The Elephant & The Dentist

Each king has a watcher, it is unknown how they are picked but I suspect it is decided by a higher power at their birth. They are meant to prevent the kings from abusing their power, they are also the condition for their King's immortality when they are alive their king cannot die & when they are dead their king can die. (after Dentist loses his he is able to be gunned down)

The known watchers were Bain & Kento, Bain leaves notes about this & Duke comments on & notes that Kento is a watcher as well which lines up with his role in Murkwater

Now that we have that established onto the thoery, which simply put is that Jordan is Vlad's watcher.

Let me first address the main counterpoints

Vlad's watcher is the Commissar!: that is a theory which well would make Dentist wanting the guy dead make sense. It would not make sense that Vlad never mentions him, we know Vlad loves revenge, he won't let his watcher being killed slide no matter how much he likes the gang

Vlad's Watcher Is His Brother In-Law!: Okay this is more likely than the last one & is one of the more likely canon options, so I won't aurge against this theory. Simply it isn't my taste, I find more interesting stories can be told with other options for watchers.

Vlad can die in dlc heists!: Yeah, that does point to his watcher being dead but there is nothing pointing to Jordan having to still be alive at this point. We also don't actually see his death, just that the timer says that but that could be either obsecing Vlad's involvement with the secret or simply not thinking out a different wording. So while him dying is what is said to happen I feel like for a thoery like this. Which is already... Shaky since it rests on a forgotten character I don't think it kills the thoery

Now onto my supporting evidence!

Vlad goes out of his way to make sure Jordan survives & was personally dealing with her. We see him both push aside others in his life like Sofia to focus on Jordan & go against the spirit of Bain's orders who said to deal with her by simply warning her.

The lines: "I know many things, especially how in over head you [Jordan] are." & "You got too close to the truth and they will not let you live if you get any closer." Which Vlad says to Jordan can both read as simply a detective being warned to avoid criminal conspiracy but... It's also close to some of the stuff Bain & the gang says as they investigate the Katru.

There is also that Vlad wanted to tell her more but couldn't, again he said it was a time issue but I really believe it was because he knew Bain was listening in.

Vlad drawing a comparison towards himself & her would make more sense if there was a literal bound between them, as the scribe/a king I'm sure Vlad has done a lot of the sort of stuff Jordan is doing & probably has had watchers like her before.

Thematically it'd line up for Jordan to be unknowingly in his inner circle given that language = Vlad's good graces thing I got talking about.

There are a lot of parallels between Jordan & Bain, especially if you put together some of the stories from clothes that imply Bain was a cop or in the fbi at some point. Both start off locking into things beyond them, both have blue as their main color (Jordan's outfits are mainly black & white say for her periwinkle shirt which her model wears), they both start getting so deep that people are sent after them & with outfit lore in mind it seems like Bain had a encounter with Elephant slimmer to the one Jordan had with Vlad.

Thematically wise it'd be nice if there was 1 criminal watcher, 1 corrupt lawful watcher & 1 justice minded watcher. Bain is morally grey, Kento's morals got fucked up & Jordan has pretty clean morals compared.

It'd also mean that Bain's mind games with Jordan later get reflected at him as Kento played mind games with him & unlike Bain dealt with the person getting close to the truth. In short watcher on watcher violence.

Also sanity is a theme with Vlad, he is the "mad king" the one that found things thay broke his mind & even in the modern day is considered insane. This is intrestingly mirrored by how Jordan is both dismissed based off mental state & likely has a mental illness she takes meds for.

I will probably think of more & make a post just about this thoery eventually but for now the last reason is that I simply think it makes for a interesting story, it means all the watchers are pitted against each other, it means Vlad has another thing to hide from the gang, it means Vlad's watcher is an established character whose a bit complex, it means at least a single woman is relevant to The Secret.

As for what this world look like in story? Well it depends on how you veiw the watchers but for my own hc's & theories I am planning a fic about this.

I will also note that if something makes it clear someone else is Vlad's watcher I will keep this as a au instead of theory/hc.

Ideas For Fan Content

So after reading everything here I hope you dear reader wanna give me a lil more challenge in calling myself her biggest fan by including her in your own content!

To help get this started I'm gonna list a few ideas of how to include & use her in fan content. Obviously I would also be trilled to see ideas not listed written about & if you do make something based off tbe list below or theories & ideas I talk about on this meta you don't have to credit me, I just want to show off a character I like!

Jordan easily can fill the role of a fbi agent that would otherwise go unamed or be a one-off oc, so say for a fic you want to add pressure by having a agent on one of the heisters trail, Jordan would make a good fit!

Jordan would also work well as a mentor or partner to a fbi oc, being able to quickly inform them of details about the payday gang & either aid them if they are a enemy of the Payday gang or provide tension if they are/start helping the gang.

Jordan would also work well for writing enemy to lovers fics since she is a enemy of the gang but it's based off impersonal things, so becoming close with specific members isn't out of the question & could lead to interesting drama for all parties.

Jordan also works well for if you need a pov outside the gang but is aware, let's say you're writing a mystery fic & you need someone to first find something or encounter the killer before it's revealed to the gang. Jordan would work! She would likely investigate that sort of thing but lacks ways of telling other members of the cast.

Jordan does at the end of her story show some more willingness to do shady things, so having a story explore her becoming more & more involved in crime would work really well, this would also be great to use for fics about Vlad's criminal stuff (Just please, I beg, do not have Jordan start working at his postuion house, that I am asking you to not do on this post. I can't stop you but I am gonna read or share stuff about that)

Jordan would also work in camo appearances, need something for Vlad or Bain to be doing before being interrupted? Perhaps they were keeping an eye on a special agent.

Jordan could also work as someone to info dump info about things that happened off screen in your fic, maybe you're writing a future fic & want to quickly establish what everyone is doing, having a scene or a few where Jordan is sharing her theories with someone would be a good way to do it in universe & add some unreliable narratorness to it if you want to hide info.

Also Jordan would work well as some canon fodder to be blunt, as much as I love her it doesn't seem like she's amazing at tech, so if you want establish a character killing enemies of the gang or some mass death event like a zombie au Jordan could work 😶‍🌫️

Lastly there isn't a lot about Jordan outside of what's here, we don't know her past, or much about her future past the web series & there are a lot of parts about her personality we won't have got to see so she's a character that could really be expanded on.

ETC

Agent Riker: Funniest Non-Clown

Yeah I couldn't fit this anywhere else but thoughout the series Riker is really funny due to how it seems like he is almost always moments from a mental breakdown. He will often swear to himself shouting loudly FUCK almost everytime Jordan is getting deeper in the mess.

It's also funny how degented he looks while his boss scolds him & Jordan, they both look like kids getting told off.

It is also extremely funny to me that Jordan straight up tells him to his putposly sweating face she knows he is the mole & then still takes him as backup to confront Vlad which like...

While Riker pulled out a gun & was waiting in the wings it also took him forever to call out for her & it was pretty unclear what his game plan was. He is like less than useless to both Jordan & Vlad.

He also has a family which he mentions when talking to Vlad also it was hard for me to make out his name due to my hearing sorta sucking so I had to find his name on the imb page for the series

Jordan's Job:

I wasn't sure where to mention this but in one of the episodes, I believe when being told off by her boss it is mentioned she works in wire fuad. I believe due to her having her own office space in the department that she is likely either very high ranking or it's local head.

How I Incountered Jordan:

So I was vaguely a Payday fan at the time, I knew things like Jacket x Sokol & things like the Halloween nightmares for the crew but I had yet to see the wider picture.

This is when I decided to read the tv tropes page for Payday 2, specifically the characters page & then I read the Minor Characters page & read Jordan's section.

Which made me interested enough to go & watch the web series & then I watched more & more videos until I ended up watching The Knowley's lore series & since then I have been searching for more lore & info.

And that won't have happened if some tv tropes writer I will never likely meet hadn't decided to put Jordan on the page & describe her well in tropes & in the little bio.

The Wiki:

So a funfact is that I am the one who made Jordan's wiki page & added her to the web series page. Admittedly the page needs some work to better explain things but I thought something was better than nothing & I will work on it more.

#meta #lore #payday 2 #payday the heist #pd2 #payday Jordan Griffin #special agent Jordan Griffin #Jordan Griffin #Payday: The Web Series #vlad kozak #bain #Agent Riker #Hector Morales #katru #headcanons

[sroloc--elbisivni]

bunnyguard reflection

in the spirit of 'fuckit it's my own blog i can be sappy if i want to' as well as 'this took a year and 78k and i get to keep talking about it for at least one more day' now and here is the time and place for personal yap that did not go in the last author's note.

preliminarily speaking, i had this concept in mind before I'd finished either the usagi yojimbo comics OR watching Rise. i spent so much of both of those series fishing out little moments and choices by leo and usagi that made me go 'oh my god i NEED these guys to meet, i need to watch them bounce off each other.' I kept collecting snips of ideas, and dialogue, and encounters that never quite all panned out or fit together because this was just so much fun for me to play in. I had a lot of wanting to turn this into a real story but no concrete frame to build it on, and then in january i saw the year of the otp prompts go by. and went 'oh haha that looks fun.' it was even the year of the rabbit. and then i went 'oh!! what if i did VIGNETTES for these!!' and then less than three days later the Battle Nexus as political element of the Hidden City, complete with connections to the very different other iteration of it that we'd seen, fell into place and suddenly this silly little whim was an actual big project staring me down with an ambitious goal in mind, and I had no idea if I could pull it off.

structuring it as a month by month thing was something i'd never done before. it forced me to wait to find out what would happen, to keep building to something that didn't exist yet, to lay down the track while I was driving the train. and at the same time, it gave me space to grow, to practice putting together a beginning, middle, and end every month. and it gave me something to look forward to, and the excitement of dropping in threads that wouldn't pay off for months, and watching as it went to see what the audience reaction would be. were people getting out of it the things i wanted to give them? was i hitting the notes i wanted? i had the sketch of the year, but i was still learning what was going to happen until the moment the last word hit the page. plot and character choices, but also big thematic stuff! i described November's fic as 'the ten of swords' to Space and then went 'wait a fucking second' and realized that I could draw a connection, in order, between each fic and a numerical card of tarot's suit of swords. (mostly one-to-one --october straddles 9-10, and December loops us back around to the Ace of swords, for new beginnings.) i couldn't have done that on purpose. if i'd had that thought in january i would have gone 'no that's too pretentious and too hard' and avoided it.

also!! this has been a year of my life!! over the course of this series, i've had four different living situations (that lasted longer than a week), two different jobs, and gone back to school. i had to change meds, which was an anxious ordeal in 'am i even going to be able to focus on anything now?' the cat that was purring on my lap while i worked on the first few months has now passed away. this fic kept me company on the flight for my move to a different continent. it kept me sane in the middle of a very stressful summer. it's helped me meet and get closer to some really cool people. i can FEEL how it's made me a stronger writer.

and on top of all that: i am deeply, genuinely, truly proud of this series. i'm glad i wrote it. i'm amazed at how it's turned out. i can see things i would change if i did it over, but i'm glad i won't be. i'm glad this is the way it exists. and i am utterly blown away that there are people who told me they were looking forward to it every month, that they've been following it since the beginning, that they like what i've done with this place. this is the longest-term project i've ever done. it's the most words i've ever put into a single narrative. i can't believe it's never going on my wip rotation again. whadda hell.

i have no idea if i'll ever do anything like this again. i hope it won't be anytime soon--there are other things i want to do in the meantime. but god, am i glad i did it.

#sroloc babbles #fic talk #bunnyguard

[dhovgaard]

chocolate Cake

I wrote this for a contest that turned out to be a scam. if you have ever heard of vocal avoid them.

Chocolate cake and Gods By David Hovgaard

Millie Long put her tea on the side table and opened her notebook. She used a leather bound volume because she liked the feel and the heft of the leather. It also just seemed more official than the three ring jobs she used in med school. She looked up at her first patient for the day a tall dark haired rather attractive man of perhaps middle years. He seemed nervous so she, as was often the case took the initiative.

“So, Mister Trevor why have you come in today Millie Long asked her patient?"

It’s Donahue Trevor is my given name he told her.”

“Oh, excuse me she said, I read the form wrong.”

“OK so, let’s try that again shall we. Mister Donahue why do you think you need to speak with a therapist?”

“Well I am not entirely sure I need to but I think I want to. I want to run a few things by someone and well, vent on some issues if I could” he told her.

“Of course why don’t you start with whatever seems the most pressing issue.”

“Alright then let’s see well I am pretty sure that I am a god.”

“You think you are God she asked to clarify?”

“Well no not the god but, a god.”

“I am not sure that I understand your meaning she told him?"

“I can see where you might think that I am crazy. You must get hundreds of people claiming to be deities of one sort or another.”

“Actually not as many as you might think. But yes there are some people that I have seen that have had similar delusions and with treatment and sometimes medication they can be helped. Now why do you think that you are a god she asked?”

“Like I said I don’t think I am a god, I am pretty sure that I am some sort of deity just which one I don’t know. I could be Zeus or Hermes or any number of lesser immortals or demigods.”

“So, you think you are a member of the Greek pantheon?”

“Possibly, but there have been so many gods and goddesses over the eons that I could really be any of them.”

“I see she said writing in her notebook that he might need to be confined for his own good."

“Now that is not a nice thing to write is it. I am not a danger to myself or others he said. I am not the kind of god that wants to do harm. On the contrary I think I can be of service to your species.”

She looked about the room to see if there was anything that was reflecting her notebook but, there was nothing. She didn’t have mirrors in the treatment room and the furniture and accessories were all muted mostly earth tones. The whole room reeked of calm. “How did you know she asked?”

“I told you I am a god reading minds is just part of the package.”

This was too weird she thought but she might as well get the full story. Maybe he was a magician or something.

“So when did you first come to believe that you were not just a normal human being?”

“Well, like I said it was about a year ago. It all started with chocolate cake.”

“Cake she repeated questioning?”

“Yep good old chocolate cake like mom use to make.”

“So you had parents she interjected?”

“I had a mother. She was not forthcoming on who my dad might be or maybe she didn’t know. I read that Zeus liked to have his way with mortal woman maybe that was what happened.”

“That would make you a demigod she offered.”

“I suppose it would but now back to the cake. For some reason I had this powerful desire for some chocolate cake with a big glass of milk. I thought about it for a couple days and then…

“You went out and bought some she said interrupting?”

“I didn’t buy any but I did get some, quiet a lot as it turned out.” “A couple days after the craving started people just started giving me cake often with a glass of milk. I was walking to work and this car stopped in the intersection a woman gets out and she brings me a slice of cake and a flagon of milk then she got back into her car with out so much as a word and drove off.”

Then cake started showing up at my door overnighted from all over the country often with milk in a thermos. Then just as it started it stopped.” “So is that when you thought you were a god she asked?” “Not at first but then later yes because it was the only explanation.”

“So what else happened.”

“I won the lottery.”

“Well the odds against winning are massive but it does happen she explained.”

“Every time I played he finished. I stopped playing because it wasn’t a challenge anymore whatever numbers I picked came up. I even tried Vegas won so much they banned me from the floor. Even the high rollers won’t play with me any more.”

“You are just inordinately lucky she told him.”

“And the women.”

“What women she asked her cheeks coloring slightly.”

“Well there have been thousands. All I have to do is concentrate on a woman and she comes to me. Even if I just know her name it’s enough for her to find me.” “Well you are attractive perhaps that is all that it is she suggested.”

“Really, let’s try an experiment he suggested. Do you have any female friends in the neighborhood?” “Of well, there is Sally down the street she is a gynecologist and pediatrician. She is engaged to be married she added not knowing why.”

“So what is her last name he commanded?”

“Jensen she answered still not knowing why.”

“OK she’ll be knocking on the door in one two three nothing happened.”

“See it is like I said you are just a handsome young… she never finished Molly burst through the door and jump on him lips first.”

They made love right in front of her and when it was over Molly dressed and left giving him one last kiss before stepping through the door she didn’t say even one word to Millie.

There was nothing more to say after that. When a researcher is presented with irrefutable evidence there is no longer any argument.

“So, you are apparently a god she told him what do you want me to do about it she asked a little piqued because of Sally?”

“Nothing I just wanted to tell someone it’s been a long year. My mom passed a couple years ago and I really don’t have anyone else to talk to about these things.”

“Well I understand usual when people start claiming what you have it is not long before they bring out the Haloperidol and the straight jackets.” “I don’t think however that there is anything I can do for you. You are as they say, beyond me.”

“I understand but like I said just telling someone helps. I am hoping as I learn to use what I have been given I can do somethings for you.”

“For humanity she asked?”

“No for you. I know that you have had a hard time having children. That will change now. You will have as many as you desire he told her.”

“It’s why I really came to see you. I could hear you crying. Now you will be happy he told her.”

“Thank you but I don’t believe even you can help us. We have seen the best she told him and they said there is no hope. We are thinking of adopting she struggled to say as she really began to cry.”

Hush he whispered and his eyes got so big that it almost seemed that she fell into them and then she was sitting in her chair sipping tea while Ms Granger told her about the problems she was having with her teenage daughters. The man was gone. She only had a vague recollection of him, even that was fading. Two months later she was feeling out of sorts so she went to see Sally and found out that she was at last pregnant. Oddly enough so was Sally. She didn’t recognize the street person that was standing near the door to Sally’s office. She distractedly gave him five bucks as she went to get her car. She never heard him say congratulations.

The end. Copyright 2021

#writing #writer community #books & libraries

[simonalkenmayer]

I remember being in the thralls of a manic episode and stumbling onto your blog and genuinely believing there are monsters out to get me and even my parents I was scared of thinking they where monsters. I had severe mental illness issues that your blog managed to worsen by giving me something as “proof” that I wasn’t crazy.

I am now on several medications and they help me make rational decisions and realize that monsters like you are not real. Actually your blog inspired an essay contest I entered where I talked about the real origins of the uncanny valley and won a scholarship for it and everything.

You need to realize that this “experiment” of yours takes advantage of the vulnerability of the mentally ill and can worsen symptoms. I was lucky that I managed to get onto meds and stay on them. I am fucking lucky that I didn’t do anything to harm myself in that time thinking I was being chased by human eating immortal monsters.

Alas your book has the woman’s name of the person who wrote the book and Simon(e) is a pen name made up by you. But your blog even if you do make money off patron and different people, you are also doing real harm to people who are mentally ill or experiencing psychosis or manic episodes.

So while you are a talented writer you are causing more harm then you may know. While I know that this little anon ask will lead to literally nothing and you will not change because you enjoy the attention, you should know that you hurt people though this.

I’m sorry you believed something you saw on the internet and became upset over it, but clearly if not the idea of monsters existing, it would have been something else. The root cause of the dysfunction, however, only became visible because of it manifesting in such a way, which led to your treatment and success, because you tackled it rather than running. Well done. You’ve been very proactive. I realize you didn’t come to thank me, but to accuse me of harming you.

I apologize for harm you may have suffered because of my actions. I’m not sure you’ve correctly aimed your emotions, but reality is about perception, and I’m fine with apologizing for even being perceived as hostile or upsetting. I suppose you didn’t read the materials I provided. Might have helped a bit.

May you find continued success. Please look into how social tests are constructed. I think you’ll find that experimental models are very unusual. You’ll find that studies, especially of larger survey based studies rely on participants to dismiss themselves. That is why disclaimers exist.

If you have ethical concerns about my methods, you’d better not ever open my refrigerator.

For reference, belief and knowledge compete with one another. You believed because you didn’t know. It was a choice. You sought out knowledge you trust, right or wrong. You worked the problem. Now you have an answer, rather than to believe. I hope it changes your reality in some meaningful way. Please still be careful in the woods. There are actually things in there that can hurt you.

Monsters are real. They are out to get you. And they look just like you. It’s critical thinking that helps you cope and learn how to think your way out of it.

Congratulations on your scholarship. Please feel free to sue me for more college expenses in the future if you need them. I’d love to personally appear in court for that occasion.

Edit: addition: I have not and never shall make money off this experiment. It has cost me many thousands of dollars. I have yet to see a cent. And as you can see, the book has been free in every form but the one that costs money to make. My experiment has been over for more than a year. My patreon is merely audio forms of the book which were asked for, and me doing fun things. People pay for my time. That’s how an economy works.

[apoptoses]

Am I allowed to do multiple favorites?? I’m doing multiple because so many of your fics make me unwell (and I mean this in the best way possible <3)

1. ANGLE OF INCIDENCE FIC OF ALL TIME!!!! I’m still so happy that there’s med kink for vc and especially armand/daniel!!!!! And it’s so well written and brings the roleplay to a whole new level and ahhh literally a classic to me <3

2. Bespoke. Leather *and* marking??? I think I huave covid

3. LOVE LIKE BLOOD IS SOOO I need to reread it!! This fic made me consider confident Daniel for the first time and he’s literally so hot

4. These hands stained red rocked my entire world like I can’t even begin to say how much I love this. Somnophilia is something I tend to be wary of but I was so tempted by the other tags and the summary and I’m glad I took the chance!!

omg absolutely you can!!!

AHH MY PERSONAL FAVE if there is no other legacy i leave in fandom, let it be that fic. that was pure self indulgence from beginning to end and that i put them through all that and had it say something about their characters feels like an achievement, it's all down hill from there lmao

thank you!!!! would you believe i banged that out in like two hours on my back deck?? birdy drew the art and it just made the fic come so easy.

confident daniel is the best honestly, like the lack of daniel in charge fics is a crime. the man had the guts to tell armand off left and right, of course he could take the reins provided armand would let his guard down for a minute. and it's just hot, he deserves his moment to show why armand found him so appealing in the first place.

ahhh thank you!!! somno was something that honestly didn't appeal for me until i wrote it and figured out what angle would make it hot. that it's the only time armand can truly let his guard down and show the monstrous desires within him made sense for me and daniel would enjoy piecing things together in the morning. it was a lot of fun to do and that surprised me.

again THANK YOU i appreciate you so much!!!

#apoptoses answers

[aloneandunreal]

may 27, 23

my birthday is less than a month away. i started this blog when i was sixteen going on seventeen, and now i am turning twenty. it's weird how fast time passes, or at least how fast i think it does. in my last posts, i've probably mentioned being anxious about leaving my teenage years behind. i still am, of course, but as i'm nearing the end of nineteen, i do feel like i am ready for my twenties. at least partly. it feels weird to type out (and say aloud). twenty. i'm going to be twenty. it's just another reminder that nothing lasts forever. that felt cringeworthy to type, but i decided to anyway.

as always, i've been thinking about the past. specifically my freshman year of high school. i don't know why but it's always a time i look back on and feel a pit in my stomach. it's hard to explain, but the person i was at fourteen is someone i've locked away forever. i've never felt how i felt at fourteen ever again in my life, if that makes any sense. it was like my brain was wired differently. which, well, obviously. but even at thirteen, fifteen, sixteen... the way i was and the way i thought at those times in my life was not the same as when i was fourteen. i know it sounds stupid, but it was just a year of my life i cannot believe happened. looking back, it was like someone else was controlling my body while the real me watched. but maybe that was the real me, and now the only remnants left of her are old photos, videos, and memories in my head. a part of me that won't be reopened.

it was as if, at the time, i acted older than i was, but at the same time i was a typical fourteen year old. or trying to be. the pit in my stomach i get thinking about it is a mix of nostalgia and sadness. i can't believe that was me. and the funny thing is, some of that year i can't even remember. there are parts that are seemingly blocked out of my memory. sometimes i wish i could go back just to remember what it was like. but then i internally smack myself because that's stupid. that was one of the worst years of my life. why would i want to go back? i can't answer that question.

perhaps it was still the childlike wonder, but there is a part of me that feels as if fourteen year old me was so much more creative than i am now. i wrote so freely, about anything and everything. it was like i didn't care about being cringe, i just wrote and wrote and wrote. and most of it wasn't even bad. yes, a bit cringe, of course, that's to be expected. but it wasn't written badly. that's something which makes me sad. i don't think i'll ever be able to write like that ever again in my life. maybe i'm forgetting, but i didn't used to be so much of a control freak who wanted everything to be perfect (at least in some aspects of my life). i just lived. i hated myself, as i always have, but for some reason there was an unknown confidence within me that has not shown her face since.

i know this sounds dumb, me saying stuff like "my brain was wired differently when i was fourteen." it was. everyone's was. but i guess what i'm trying to say is that i was just so different, and have not been that way since. after june of my freshman year, everything seemed to change drastically. my mind, my thoughts, how i behaved.

the only answer i have to why is that i switched medications. the medication i was on did not work well with me, but there are parts of it i miss. not the weight gain, or the suicidal ideation. rather, the absence of a lot of my anxiety. the freedom to do and be who i wanted. wear what i wanted. it was like, after i got taken off those meds, i turned into a shell of a person. i was never the same. i'd never want to go through what i went through again, but i miss the positives. i guess that's what i've realized after all these years.

in old diaries, i would write about life. i would write stories. i wouldn't reminisce like i do now.

i know this sounds like i peaked in high school, but trust me, i didn't. i suppose i just am mourning my childhood and teenage years. i've never related to the following mitski lyric: "i was so young when i behaved 25, yet now i find i've grown into a tall child." i wish i could have been a normal child. a normal teenage girl. and now that i am entering my twenties, i have to really be an adult now. that's it. my teenage years are over. i don't miss them; rather, i wish things had been differently. i want to go back in time and be different.

i feel things entirely too deeply, and think about people years later that never think about me. friends i've had who i know don't reminisce about our experiences together (but i do).

i want to discover again, i want to learn. i want that childlike wonder back. but of course that is impossible. for the small amount of time i was able to have it, it was gone just as quick.

listening to certain songs, i can almost smell and feel what it was like when i was fourteen. being in my childhood bedroom over the summer puts me back in the same headspace. how everything has changed, yet my room has stayed the same. i wonder how different things would have been if i'd never been taken off that medication. if my one friend hadn't moved. if i never stopped dyeing my hair. i wonder, i wonder, i wonder, but i'll never know. it's probably a good thing i don't.

another typical post of me thinking about the past. again. it's so typical and boring. that's why i wish i could write like i used to. without a care in the world. i was so sad and it showed through my writing. descriptive, tragic, and somehow beautiful. i'm romanticizing it, yes, but it's not hurting anyone but myself to do so.

fourteen was a very bad year for me. hardly anything good came out of it. but part of me, weirdly enough, wants to feel what it was like again. the positives, of course. and maybe some of the negatives too. i sound crazy, but i just want the small of childlike wonder i had back. it was hardly there, but it was still there. i had it in my hands for a very small moment in time.

i don't know why i'm like this. it's hard to explain. overall, i suppose i just wish things had been different. i won't have my teenage years back. i'm turning twenty. off to new beginnings, i suppose. but it's all going to be so different. maybe that's a good thing, though. it's probably what i need. to move on, and leave my old self in the past. it's hard, though. i can't help but mourn what i never had.

[nade2308]

CHICAGO MED RANT!!!

I can't wait for s8 to start, but my hopes in the writers are pretty low atm, so I wrote something my heart desired. And because this got too long to represent the notes in my story, I am posting it separately, as a rant.

A) ANOTHER Pat Halstead scenario. Really? Are we really going with Will might suffer in a similar way his father did and later died as a result from it? This is almost like Cornelius having a heart murmur for years he neglected to treat, at that point I screamed. Pat's mitral valve regurgitation, much? Just please, whatever you do, handle that storyline with care. If Will is going to survive, give us realistic healing process, and maybe some burns/scars as a treat. I believe that Nick can pull off the whumpy parts SO WELL.

B) You cannot convince me that Connor Rhodes would act so worried about Will for him to leave without saying a word to him. You'd be amazed what people do when they are betrayed irl or something truly bad happens. I get it, it was an emotional reaction, but please, I don't think he would have done that as it happened. I had bad things happen in my life, people still betray my trust, yet, I am still here. And even if I leave, it won't be because of that. Granted, my ex girlfriend who killed my father did not cut her throat in front of me, but imho, Connor Rhodes I know and love wouldn't have made a decision like that. Borne out of Impulse and despair and lack of distance between what happened and how he felt about it. Once again, the writers wrote themselves in a corner.

C) Imo, Will Halstead followed Connor Rhodes out of Med in 5x01, the rest is a very long dream.

D) Why do the writers always give Will toxic relationships he gets stuck with? And he keeps chasing something unattainable, because imo he feels like he has to, because otherwise he is not worth it. Absolutely not gonna fly with me.

E) So many missed moments to have Will and Connor share screen time. And this is purely my platonic/friendship brain thinking, I'm not sure the writers would have written a good dynamic if they were together as a couple. Just so many missed moment that could have made a change.

F) Someone on Tumblr said that when Connor left he took Will's last braincell with him. They were right. CONNOR PLEASE COME BACK, AND SET YOUR BOY STRAIGHT, or you know, just set him right.

G) I cannot stop thinking about what happened with Jennifer Baker. And the writers thought that it'd be good thing to give Will a clinical trial storyline and have the worst possible scenarios written for him. I cannot get past that no matter how hard I try.

H) And if by any chance he wasn't convinced Med wasn't the place for him, he should have been when Goodwin blackmailed him like she did, up to the point where he thought it was his own decision if he was in or out + he thought he did it because it is what he always does. Baby, we established in s4 and the Burke storyline: GTFO of undercover work, it always ends up in a mess or trauma.

I) Do not get me started on the trauma and the lack of support system. Because no one believes in this precious sweetheart, no one really cares about him. The only thing they care about is to tell him how good he is when it's convenient for them, and when it'd lead to Will doing something for them because he'll feel wanted and important at that moment. Except maybe Dr. Charles, that guy does feel like he genuinely cares about Will. And Connor, but Connor is not there anymore. I mean, come on, you cannot tell me Jay wouldn't call or text at least once a day to check on him and vice versa. Because he is the only thing left from their family, and it'd be logical to stick together even in the toughest situations. The rest of the time, what everyone does is distrust him, monitor him when he doesn't need that, keep pointing his mistakes and like that's the worst thing ever, and all around it feels like they don't appreciate him right.

J) The conclusion being is:

- Will needs a safety net that consists of at least two reliable friends, more is always better.

- Will needs a healthy relationship (preferably outside of work this time). Someone who will not be a bitch, brat, act entitled and scream and blame him for everything. Someone that will tell Will how things are and will actually love him instead of gaslighting him. Because yes, Natalie was a typical abuser/gaslighter, please don't come to me with the explanation that she has issues too, that she is a woman and that she had the right. No one had the right to do to Will what she did to him. The end. Phillip Davis had no right to say Will ruined Natalie's life in that one scene because it was the other way around.

- Will needs a healthy work environment. If he makes a mistake, talk to him about it, ask him why he did it, INVESTIGATE what caused it. If he doesn't know why, it's fine, even if something undesirable happened. Hazards of the job. He is not a psychopath or a serial killer or anything like it. But even those people have reasons and motives, so please, don't make him the bad guy in any situation always, I am begging.

- Normalize people having friends outside of work. I mean, we have seen friends, family and acquaintances of almost everyone at Med, but they rarely spend time with people that don't work at Med. Tell me about Will's college friend moving back to Chicago, about that one surgeon from NYC that he still keeps in touch, some of the guys from Sudan that finally made it to the states, maybe a baby he helped deliver that's now 4-5 years old and wants to meet him. Give me more Will with kids content because it's adorable and I'm pretty sure I am not the only one craving this.

- Have Will's colleagues stand up for him for once even if he is wrong. Someone really needs to show that boy that he is appreciated and like that, that he has the support from many people and that they would love him be it the wrong or the right thing he did. I screw things up every few days, yet my friends haven't yelled at me like I did the worst possible thing, or told me to get out, only because I made A MISTAKE. It's why it's called a mistake, gee. Granted, it's not the work environment one would face in Will's case, but work is also a relationship. Just be there for Will, people!

And to sum it all up:

GIVE WILL HALSTEAD A BREAK, PEOPLE!

Stronger or weaker person notwithstanding, they would have broken so many times by now if they went through all that Will went through.

Oh and:

P.S. 1: I'll never forgive Goodwin for what she said in 1x18, that the only reason she okayed the offer to Will was because she wanted to see how and when he'll get himself fired. I believe the exact term was how long will it take. Sorry, writers, irl, if my future employer says that, I am out of there the second that is said. No way I am staying to prove someone's point. Besides, if she didn't trust him for him then, then what's the point to get up every day for work when it won't matter to her or anyone? Yes, you will save the lives, but at what cost?

P.S. 2: Connor should have told Will what he did to save his life. It feels to me like that was an important thing to tell someone who is a close friend in the least. Will deserved to know.

P.S. 3: Will Halstead is a precious boy who deserves the world. He needs to be loved, held and cherished. Protect the boy at all costs.

And yes this and much more has been discussed with @thethistlegirl over the course of the last two months and even though she doesn't watch the show, she agrees with me wholeheartedly.

WILL NEEDS TO LEARN THAT HE IS WORTH IT!

I think that's all. For now, lol. We never know when my ranting urges will return.

#chicago med #one chicago #will halstead #Nade rants #I had the urge to rant about this boy I love so much #my ramblings

[you-were-always-faster]

The Unexpected

Yelena Belova x Fem!Reader 

Prompt: “Are you serious right now? That’s your concern!”

Requested: No

Author’s Note: I wrote this for fun. Happy Pride Month!

Yelena Belova, assassin, spy, friend, and partner that was the best way to describe her. She was an excellent shooter. There was literally no flaw you could think of when it came to Yelena and violence. This however did not apply when it came to video games. In fact she was so bad that you weren’t sure if you should be concerned or just laugh. Yelena came up with a brilliant idea of doing partner games every Friday so today Kate and Clint were coming over for game night. Yelena was competitive, losing was a no-go so today of all days she decided to ask you for help.

“Y/N, you have to actually dodge the blows,” the blonde says as she takes another hitman down. 

“Really,” you respond sarcastically trying to catch your breath. “Who would have thought of that?” You kick one woman in the ribs sending her to the side and giving you more space to move.

Yelena nods impressed, “that was good form. Not good like me because well…me but still good form.”

“I hate you right now.” You say as another guy runs at you and you side step in time. Yelena looks at you offended. 

“Y/N now is not a good time to be on the floor we need to keep fighting so that we can go home and practice for tonight.”

The guy lifts you up by the arm and tosses you to the side like a rag doll. “Belova, I swear to whatever russian god you believe in if you keep talking I will stop being your partner.”

“Well you could do that but then I would have to kill you,” Yelena says coming to your aid. She shoots off one of her wristband balls and it stuns the hitman before she hits him with a final punch. Holding out her hand she helps you up and takes back her stun sphere. “You know you’re really bad at this job.”

You roll your eyes as you dust yourself off. “Sorry I wasn’t trained to be an assassin as a child. I lived a peasant life and got a degree in digital engineering not murder. Anyways what am I helping you with exactly?” You follow her to the elevator and step in pressing the floor the both of you need to head to.

“The shooting game.” 

You look confusedly at her. “Which one are we play next friday?”

“No the one were doing today the one with the zombies.” The elevator dings and she steps out first walking across the street to her motorcycle. You stand on the sidewalk still confused and processing.

“Yelena…did you bet a thousand dollars on todays game,” you ask concerned running to catch up. You knew Yelena had more money than you but still in the team games if your team lost you too would end up owing the other team money. You worked a part time job with a sales company in the tech department but you were really just working on web designs for them to build up your reputation so you could make your business so money was tight not to mention you paid the rent for both of you because you were usually alone so what was the point of her paying rent when she wasn’t here. Yelena however did pay to make sure you had groceries and anything you needed while she was away to make up for you paying all of the rent. Your car needed an oil change, Yelena paid for it. You needed a tire fixed or a car wash she paid for it. Yelena was really generous when it came to helping you if she knew you would be alone for a few months or sometimes even just a few weeks. By the time the two of you get home you’ve processed a little more of the fact that if Yelena did bet that much money then you only had three hours to train her on how to properly shoot.

As the two of you are playing she keeps dying and respawning in the most inopportune places. You are starting to get frustrated because you know both Clint and Kate know how to play and will demolish you in the time it takes for Yelena to even get one shot in.

“How do you check to see if you still have a med kit?” Yelena asks pressing different buttons. “Oh, I hit one.” Yelena pauses the game to go make food. “Do you think we should have spaghetti or pizza? What about buffalo wings you know the real spicy ones?”

You look at her in disbelief,” are you serious right now? That’s your concern!” You stand up absolutely frustrated and walk over to her slamming your hand on the counter. “Yelena you bet one thousand dollars on us winning a game that you can’t even play and you’re wondering what we should have for dinner!? Yelena, I don’t have one thousand extra dollars in my back pocket to just hand off to someone for funsies.”

Yelena looks at your hand still on the counter. “Fine we order pizza.” She walks back over to the couch and unpauses the game. You watch her shoot with complete accuracy at the zombies and see how many medkits she still has. You being stunned walk over to her and sit next to her. She places the controller down on the coffee table and looks at you.

“How did you,” you stop yourself looking at her. “I thought you said you needed my help?”

Yelena shrugs. “I’ve been listening and I’ve watched you play several times. It doesn’t take me an hour to clean my guns, it also doesn’t take me two hours to repair a stun sphere. I just thought maybe you wanted to be good at killing things in a game since you are not very good at it in real life.” Sighing she adds,” Kate is very bad at this game though like really bad I play with her on web and she’s awful like really really awful. Should be easy win.”

You laugh to yourself. “You played this with Kate?”

“Yes, how else would one learn the game their roommate likes,” Yelena says confused. “I enjoy our little group game nights but I also wanted to learn so that I could play with you so we could do that bonding thing people talk about.” 

Its your turn to look confused. “You played this exact game with Kate…because you wanted to play with me…so we could bond?” You watch Yelena nod with an eyebrow raised. “So if you wanted to bond using this why the fuck have I been going with you on missions?”

Yelena looks at you offended. “Y/N Y/L/N, do you not like going on missions with me?”

You look at her in disbelief and motion over your body. “WHAT ABOUT ME LOOKS LIKE AN ASSASSIN TO YOU? Literally everytime I have gone with you I have nearly died or was tossed around like a ragdoll hoping for death.”

“Those are good bonding moments. Had those with Natasha,” Yelena says with a shrug. “Also you don’t have to be an assassin to do what I do necessarily.”

You gap at her,” I…I can’t tell if you’re joking or being serious right now.”

“Kate Bishop. Not an assassin but okay with a bow and arrow. Combat form still needs work but clearly Barton doesn’t have good form.”

“Yelena, I’m a thick bitch who works in a tech department. I don’t go to the gym and I barely do cardio.”

Yelena gives you a once over,” I mean yes but you hit hard. You have good shoulder blocking form. Very sturdy. Like an oak tree. But you know you didn’t die several times so that’s good progress. Real good. I would also like you to know I would never let my best friend and roommate die. Also never listen to Kate when she says we're dating."

"Wait what? I thought you told her you don't get romantic feelings for anything? So you didn't tell her you were aromantic and asexual," you ask stunned.

Yelena shakes her head. "Telling people that scares me."

You smile softly," so what if you tell her with me? I can tell her that I'm asexual and you can tell her that we aren't dating because you don't get romantic feelings and have no interest in sex." When you see Yelena give a determined nod you proceed to get everything in order for your game night.

As the night progresses you realize that Yelena wasn't lying when she said Kate was bad at the game and you realize that Yelena just bonds differently with people. Yelena did tell Kate before nights end that she was aromantic and asexual and at some point so did you.

#yelena belova #yelena x reader #yelena x y/n #marvel cinematic universe #marvel imagine #pride month

[monsterkissed]

I'm quite late to that emoji ask meme, but how about... 😅🍦🎯👀🧠

😅 What's a story or scene you've created that you're a smidge embarrassed exists?

genuinely, honestly? i don't think i am embarrassed about my work. there is more amateurish stuff i made when i was less good but i can't fairly be embarrassed about that, and there are works that are Indulgent to a large degree but i know that all of that is probably equally Indulgent to someone out there. my tolerance for embarrassment is incredibly low! i do not think i could keep doing this if i were truly embarrassed by it. sometimes i might be like "oh my god i can't believe i wrote something like That" but then i always remember: "ah, but people read it"

🍦 What's the sweetest fic you've created so far?

i don't really write a lot of works that are centred on fluff or otherwise Typically Sweet Content... probably Go Places? domestic crime guys sharing living space? there's only one murder in it! Two Stone Rings is some guys visiting a nice wedding! there's only one murder in it! you see my problem. Fidelity is about learning to move on thru wlw feelings! the murders are mostly just implied!

sweet stuff in fics that are not entirely sweet... would have far more contenders, but would reveal far too much about the kinds of things i think are sweet and how much of it involves characters justifying murders to each other.

🎯 Have any of your readers accurately guessed major plot points? Care to share which?

gee i wonder... if there's a particular example here..... a really juicy significant one about a pretty well-liked wip...........

oh! duh. obviously it's the time i left I Think We're Alone Now on a cliffhanger involving doppio eating some home cooking and while multiple people were firmly convinced that he'd been the victim of a murderous poisoning attempt, my good pal naem immediately realised that that was not nearly enough of an upsetting way for him to be murdered, and it was probably just sleepy meds to knock him out for something worse. so many warm fuzzies honestly

👀 Tell me about an up and coming wip please!

at the moment i am hoping to get Gasoline out and done at a quite rapid clip because the chapters are a lot shorter than i usually run (and i can actually say that instead of just boasting with hubris and inevitably regretting it bc 95% of the first draft is Done) and it's got a lot of pre-VA stuff i am very hype to put out including one moment that will definitely be a contended for the Sweet Scenes category above and it will probably be Obvious when it comes lol. and there is a very good reason i didn't want to post it until act 3 of bngn started...

🧠 Pick a character, and I'll tell you my favorite headcanon for them.

wait u did not pick a character... or am i supposed to pick a character and now you have to tell me a favourite headcanon... perhaps we can trade?

i feel like outside of the ones in my own work, "bruno is trans and he zipped off his boobs" has just resulted in too much stylish art. nobody can prove he didn't do that and nobody can argue it wouldn't be sick as hell.

now u: pick a pink family member. or your best drakenier headcanon but only if it would enrage at least one fanbro terribly

#long post