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comradekatara · 1 year

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I rewatched “the boy in the iceberg” the other day, and it’s not an episode I revisit often, but when I do, I’m always kind of amazed by the level of insight it provides into katara and sokka’s upbringing, but only when you watch it through the lens of having already seen the entire show.

for example, kanna as a character does not register for the viewer unless you already know her backstory as it’s revealed to us in “the waterbending master,” at which point the fact that she is shown to be unflinchingly harsh and stern and keeps preventing katara from the fun and adventure she clearly yearns for actively signals to us what kind of toll the war must’ve taken on her and the responsibility she feels towards keeping katara out of trouble. the fact that we see kanna push katara from aang, warning her to not pin her hopes on this boy and telling her she needs to do her chores, is really interesting because it frames the fact that katara does a lot of chores not as something she might have volunteered to do, or even is expected to as a girl, but rather something that kanna forces her to do as a distraction method (both from her grief and from her impulsiveness).

it’s clear that kanna sees far more of herself in katara than she does in sokka, but that comes with the acknowledgment that katara has the capacity to be just as adventurous, reckless and impulsive as kanna was at her age, and that means keeping a close eye on her at all times. I’m convinced that if kanna had ever said “sokka, be a man and wash your dirty socks,” sokka would’ve done that shit without question, but instead kanna made katara do all of the laundry because it meant keeping her in their house for longer, where she can keep an eye on her granddaughter and make sure she isn’t running off to go penguin sledding or exploring the ruins of an old fire nation ship (two things she immediately does the second she makes a friend her age) or god knows what else. kanna has no need to keep an eye on sokka because he is extremely cautious, takes his duties very seriously, and refuses to entertain the notion of having fun of any kind, so there’s no chance of him wandering off and getting into trouble.

when sokka says “I knew I shouldn’t have taken you fishing,” because of what he says next (“leave it to a girl to screw things up”) he makes it sound like it’s because he believes that women can’t fish because their tits get in the way or whatever, but I bet that katara begged him to take her because she was bored and was clawing at the walls desperate to go outside and explore, even if it meant putting up with her annoying ass brother (not like she has any other friends her age). she probably went through all her chores really fast and then caught sokka on his way out and did adorable puppy dog eyes and had a whole numbered list ready with reasons she should go until sokka relented (only to immediately realize that fishing is just as boring as doing laundry).

kanna did not approve of the idea of katara going alone with aang to the north pole, but once it was sokka’s idea to go rescue aang and travel the world, (and it was clear he had packed the necessary provisions, unlike katara, whose decision to leave with aang was a spur of the moment thing,) kanna gave them her blessing. and her respective farewells to both of them are also so telling in that regard, because she is giving katara permission to be hopeful, to finally live up to her heroic potential, whereas she tells sokka to look after katara. on their travels, katara does have some practical skills sokka doesn’t (sewing and midwifery being the primary two things sokka is fucking useless at) that she acquired from spending every waking second since kya’s death doing chores with kanna, but she is also constantly getting herself into trouble, with or without aang (or toph) as her accomplice. and every time sokka is just like “yup, classic katara shenanigans. just so you know i disapprove but also will do everything in my power to help you out of this mess.”

watching out for katara, making sure that she doesn’t get herself into trouble, and then helping her out of said trouble, is the exact kind of thing both hakoda and kanna told sokka his primary responsibility was, and it’s clear he takes that responsibility very seriously. it’s also probably why he was way more chill about the consequences of toph’s scamming. like, he told her to be careful after noticing her wanted poster, but he wasn’t mad about it the way he was when katara attracted the wrath of pirates, because he didn’t spend his whole life being shown and told that toph needs someone responsible to keep her in line. and he does feel a level of responsibility and protectiveness towards toph, that much is clear, but he also trusts her judgment because he’s never actually seen her make an actively bad judgment call (excluding katara from the scams was mean and wrong of her, granted, but it’s clear he doesn’t wanna involve himself in their beef).

“never turning his back on katara” is always sokka’s first priority, above anything else, and that shows even when he’s being a dick to her, saying inflammatory shit like “leave it to a girl to screw things up.” again, once you've seen the show in full, it’s pretty clear that sokka is just saying that because he’s insecure that all the warriors left him behind, so he’s projecting his insecurities onto her, but if you don’t have the context to understand how much the idea of “not being a true warrior” means to sokka, it just seems like he thinks boys rule girls drool. and if you don’t realize that kanna is actively making katara do more chores on purpose, whereas she trusts sokka to be responsible for himself, it does seem like katara is taking on an unfair amount of responsibility, in a gendered way. you take that conversation at face value, because you don’t realize (at first) that they’re both projecting their insecurities and blaming their personal frustrations on each other. you don’t realize that sokka is minimizing katara because he sees her as his annoying little sister who always gets into trouble, and you don’t realize that katara is telling herself stories of grand adventure because she feels cooped up at home, because this is the inciting incident where adventure does await, so sokka’s suspicion and exasperation seems out of pocket, whereas katara’s wonder and eagerness seems totally justified.

it’s similar to how when zuko sees the light from the iceberg opening iroh warns them that they’ve gone down this road before and not to have too much hope. kanna tells katara the same thing. both zuko and katara believe in the avatar as their salvation, and are so eager to put their faith in this narrative that they accept it without question. of course, we as the audience know that they’re right, but it’s also perfectly reasonable for sokka and iroh to warn them not to get their hopes up, to be careful and patient. it makes you wonder how many times not only zuko, but also katara have gone looking for the avatar before, firm in their belief that he’s still out their somewhere, and they will be the Chosen One to finally find him (of course, they’re right, but no one had any way of possibly knowing that). katara and zuko are obvious foils whose journeys mirror and intersect, but iroh and sokka are too, and they’re both there to support and guide their younger, less jaded family member, both in giving them the space and encouragement to be the best versions of themselves they can be, and also cautioning them or saving them once they get themselves into trouble due to their shortsighted impulsiveness.

the same way that zuko’s always yelling at iroh that he’s just a lazy old man who doesn’t understand the importance of honor is how i view katara’s rant to sokka that he “doesn’t do anything around camp” and “from now on, he’s on his own.” like, what does she even mean by him “being on his own”? his primary priority at all times is literally protecting her. he’s not the one making her do his laundry, their grandmother is. blame her, katara! (actually ykw i bet she does but just yells at whichever family member is in vicinity in that moment.) katara has every right to be bored and frustrated, but her anger is mostly misplaced (other than calling sokka sexist, that’s fair). and it’s clear that sokka doesn’t take any of what she says to heart anyway, because the entire time she’s ranting he’s just sitting there thinking about how they’re gonna get home without a boat.

what makes kanna so fascinating is that we only ever see her agreeing with sokka, but it’s clear she’s secretly rooting for katara, for her naive, impossible worldview to be somehow, against all odds, right. and when she is, when the avatar is revealed to be alive, kanna thanks her for bringing back the dormant hope she long thought gone for good. sokka, like kanna, has been utterly jaded, all and any sense of wonder pulverized by the war. but aang and katara bring it back, through their sheer optimism against all odds, their sense of adventure, their commitment to justice, and their dedication to preserving their childhoods amidst all the grief and violence they’ve had to suffer.

#katara #sokka #katara&sokka #best siblings best characters #analysis #kanna&katara #kanna #iroh&zuko #katara&zuko #aang&katara #sokka&toph #sorry this post is so long u cant shut me up abt katara & her family i simply have too many Thoughts #also i talk in other posts abt why sokka belittles kataras bending; why sokka is sexist (i sort of touch on it here but not nearly as much)#how kanna mirrors katara in so many ways #and also more abt how 'the runaway' further frames katara & her relationship to her family in general #i should make a longer post abt the iroh sokka parallels #i've been meaning to for ages #bc oh man.#anyway. it rly bothers me when ppl talk abt katara as if she is some Maternal Goddess #when all evidence points to her being a Loud Little Sister #its like ppl took some extremely shallow visual cues & some sentences out of context and Ran with it #the way kanna talks abt katara tho is so telling bc she knows her better than anyone #kanna is so no-nonsense she sees an airbender and she's immediately like 'why arent you dead.' i love her

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blitz0hno · 2 months

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Drabble about the whole mikotosys-night-terror chronicles cuz I don't get to write much.

Post trial 2: Mikoto, still deep in denial (although deep denial doesn't mean ur as unaware as you let on/feel all the time), cries himself to sleep again. He hates the long-time habit, but thinking about his life up to this point, especially now... It makes sense, and unfortunately a lot more starts to make sense too.

It was happening again.

Mikoto was laying on the bed in his cell, staring at the ceiling. It was the only time he knew which way was up these days.

And today had been long, and stressful.

Why must he be this kind of person?

Chained up and interrogated.... Es trying to explain why the words "I saved you" echo in his mind.... a fuzzy ringing in his ears overtaking seemingly every conversation he had with the warden; Mikoto did his best to be attentive but was purely pretending. He was sure he dreamed the crime he was accused of, sure of it. It wasn't real, he couldn't do that! He had a future to look toward, and even if some people in his life were holding him back, his urge for quick relief had been but a horror-movie fantasy. A place for his brain to put his anger so he couldn't find it.

He had always wondered where his emotions went when he made them disappear. It didn't look good that nearly every moment now felt like a dream, either.

Answering questions with pen and paper had been particularly difficult. He didn't remember much of that either. He remembered the first couple questions. He remembered waves of frustration flooding his train of thought. He remembered feeling sick when he realized it was over and he thought he had only answered two or three out of the twenty questions.

Mikoto had started off this strange "Milgram" experience intrigued, but the more he thought about the events that led up to this "reality show," the more scared he got. He had always been a forgetful guy, but felt confident enough in his ability to keep track of important things. School, work, home duties, everything was always nearly lined up in his thoughts. Sometimes he had strong feelings about a task, but he was easily able to power through. He was oddly proud of that ability, from his adolescence up to his office job.

Sure, he had been picked on for living outside the city and never going anywhere. But he was reasonably popular with girls and very on top of his grades, which made other students like him well enough he supposed. No reason to feel lonely with how busy he was anyway. Taking care of home with his mom and sister, making sure he remembered to eat and study before shifts, and cramming for tests had all paid off, hadn't it?

He had a career he was passionate about, an end goal, and a stable job at a famous company. Although this job was... Not as glamorous as he had hoped. Nonetheless, he had worked so hard for it. He wouldn't just throw it away.

Not even when his meal times got shorter and shorter.

Not even when his boss made him redo weeks of work on a whim.

Not even when 60 hour weeks turned to 80 hours.

Not even when he broke down and cried after coming home to an onslaught of texts informing him of a deadline being shortened yet again.

He needed to sleep. Without sleep, he became irritated easily, and hiding it with a polite smile always left him with a permanent lump in his throat, as if he could burst into tears at any moment but wouldn't let it happen. When it all got too loud, Mikoto knew how to put it away for later.

Now was later, and he was crying.

He wished people listened to him. If they got to be cruel with no consequences, chain him to one thing or another, tell him to come and sit and stay until 3AM doing paperwork, he should get a say too. A say in how he was spoken to, in his rest, in his mind, anything.

But he second-guessed himself every time, coming up with nothing and doubling down on his polite diligent worker persona.

His chest heaved as he sobbed. How pitiful and pathetic, if they saw him like this. And to think everyone was scared of him now, not only because he apparently really killed people, but now more things he didn't remember were coming up. Torn up clothing he had tried so hard to laugh about reporting to Es; but all the morning he couldn't stop himself from crying, even through his mask. He had heard from others in the past that he talked in his sleep, but the noises? The shredding and screaming and destroying?

That was all new.

And embarrassing.

And mortifying.

Mikoto had no memory of any of it. He thought and thought, but only recalled feeling overwhelmed, perceiving the stares and the body language around him as tense, and the rush of anxiety which was renewing itself again. Out of habit, he searched for the smile he always tried to force through the tears, even now that he was alone.

Another sob.

Alone.

And everyone knew it. His boss, his mom, his baby sister, his peers EVERYONE watched him go it alone, pushing and pushing and succeeding at any cost to himself. But that was the goal, too, to be left alone. Not screamed at, following the rules in place, breaking them if it meant a more pleasing outcome for his current audience. His breath picked up as he remembered every comment, every stare every sneer every nitpick EVERYTHING others did to belittle his hardest work. His sweat, blood, and tears turned into a cycle that kept piling more on his back.

He held his hands against his ears as his sobs turned to a choked wail. Again tonight, he felt like he couldn't stop himself. "I HATE THIS! I'm not smart enough to even remember what I do, not strong enough to even control myself! FUCK!"

Again his uniform shirt felt far too tight. The restraints he had become more used to were suddenly like snakes whose every movement he could feel through the fabric, writhing on his skin. Mikoto screwed his eyes shut and begged to disappear, pulling at the jumpsuit.

Then John screamed.

He tore, he ripped, he fell off the bed and threw himself against the wall as if it would give him more force against the restraints. He couldn't stop. He knew it was his fault, and he knew why it was his fault, but they were hurting Mikoto all the same.

John forcefully wiped the tears from his face. His breathing was ragged as he felt himself grabbing at his hair. This was bad.

He couldn't calm down. Mikoto was beyond upset, he was terrified. John's own anger and Mikoto's fear had them in a frenzy, their hands pulling at anything they could grasp. What could he do? He had to help Mikoto. After all, it was John's fault, John's anger, John's actions that caused him this agony. Mikoto wouldn't hurt someone like that. He couldn't!

"I COULD. I DIDN'T WANT TO!" A shriek escaped his mouth. John didn't feel like that words were his. He took a deep breath, one hand still keeping his hair in a death grip.

The other was over his mouth. John had heard enough of what the other prisoners were able to hear. He was sure that they would be punished if they were any louder; or maybe Mikoto was sure.

He just didn't know anymore.

"They were killing you," John whispered, voice strained. "Even if you didn't do i-"

The words caught in his throat, and John's breath hitched as he felt the world start to blur around him.

"I do remember that I wanted to," came a choked whisper from Mikoto. "I wanted nothing more. Those people - those men... My life was hell. I was too slow with turnarounds no matter how long I submitted before the deadline. They called me day and night like a dog to their side. And th- the way they spoke to me and my coworkers - realizing their contempt toward the working men alone but god the WOMEN-" He sobbed loudly, burying their head in his hands. "The- these are the people our baby sister gets to meet next. The ones our mom married, the ones who lie and cheat and demand and force- they should be GONE they SHOULD. BUT- but I never thought-" he trailed off, curled into a tense ball. He could hardly feel John anymore -

Oh god.

He could feel John.

Like another person in the room, he felt another presence almost by his side. Another sob turned into a laugh at the absurdity of it all. The warden had no dog - Mikoto did.

And it was himself.

And that's why there was another "him," blaming his newfound self for Mikoto's plans and actions.

He felt terrible, in a hundred different ways. "John, it wasn't your fa-" Mikoto stopped mid-sentence, torn between guilt for his other self and the terror of realization hitting. He pressed himself against the cold wall and breathed slowly as he could, suddenly overcome with a clammy, nauseous feeling.

It wasn't a dream.

Mikoto had been sick in his cell once before, during a particularly bad panic episode. He had cleaned it up well and told no one, but somehow he was still met with looks of concern and pity and fear ten times over the following morning. Damn thin walls. The already isolated prisoner was not about to let that happen again. He slumped against the wall, closed his eyes, and grit his teeth as the room spun, wanting only to sleep. If only he could shut down, wake up in his apartment and cry about his shitty day at his shitty job surrounded by shitty people that his shitty singular self did not kill.

The weight of that possibility leaving forever made him feel like he would never eat again.

John felt the pressure mounting in their head and body, powerless to help. Just behind front, able to listen to the perspective he'd been wishing to hear for so long, and unable to do a damn thing. After all the begging to be acknowledged, he still hadn't saved Mikoto. Not by a long shot.

They were both stricken with panic by now, John beginning to pace around the cell and breathing deeply to the point of pain. Anything to keep from spiraling, from causing a mess, from snapping again, from hurting someone or even needing them.

And then they froze, a third voice that felt equally unreal catching their attention. Difference was, she and another were outside themselves , and outside the door to their room.

"He's at it again..." John heard Kotoko sigh faintly, breathing shallow as he stood at a standstill. He was so at a loss that he forgot to be angry at her treatment of Mikoto. Mikoto wasn't a killer. John was. Leave Mikoto out of it, let him live without this pain. It's why John was here to begin with! Did he fail? Did he drive any other help away?

"Ugh. I'll wait here, as you requested. Give him this." John heard a small acknowledgement from Es as they took the mystery item. He flinched, bracing himself.

Were they chaining him up again? Drugging him? What did he get Mikoto into now??

Whether he knew it or not, Mikoto was feeling the same guilt towards John, ashamed for not having noticed and feeling cowardly for running from him.

"John..." Es brought the protector to attention, gently holding out a water bottle. He hadn't even registered that they opened the door. He stared for a second, feeling shamefully and ridiculously dog-like, but took the offering. "How did you know..."

"Because Mikoto puts on airs," Es replied plainly. "He would have forced a posture that was more relaxed, perhaps greeting me as 'Guard-kun.'" Their voice went up a tad as they imitated Mikoto's tone, first amusing and then startling John. Was the switch that obvious? Had he ruined any chance of Mikoto being normal again?

"So you can... You can tell. We really are that different?"

"Afraid so," Es replied. "John, do you two... Do you know how DID happens?" They stood across from him, gauging his reaction. John seemed to be struggling to stay grounded as he explained.

"We never thought we had any sort of amnesia... We once read that it happens when... Oh," John sighed. "I have no idea what happened. But I know... I know..."

"When a child is hurt badly over a period of time, in their very early stages-"

"Yeah I know how it goes." He snapped like John, but John felt the words come from elsewhere. The voice also sound absolutely defeated, the truth having come to reveal itself.

"Mikoto...?"

"..."

Mikoto felt.

He was aware, he knew what he was saying, but his voice was bitter and monotone. He didn't know what to feel. He just felt.

"I don't fuckin know anymore," he sighed. Es was not entirely convinced it was only him - his voice was cold, and while quieter than John's, Es wasn't even sure they had heard Mikoto curse before. Of course, Mikoto was subject to change as any other prisoner, and his demeanor almost reminded them of Fuuta's current state.

Mikoto took a deep breath, standing a little straighter. "I... Suspected it, when I heard about it from some class, and then forgot about it. But yeah, when a mother and a father hate each other, and possibly you, very very much... I know how it happens." His eyes darkened. "Life got better, I think, when Dad left. Mom wouldn't talk about him, and she'd get mad if I even said something that she thought he would... But I could tell she missed him. My baby sis seems okay for her age, on track development and all, but despite all the responsibility I could handle I could never quite get it right."

Es nodded thoughtfully. "So you were ridiculed and blamed for things you weren't even aware was upsetting to your parents? Did they take things out on you, because you were older?"

"I... I guess. I never thought it was that bad," Mikoto sighed. "But living on my own, I started to feel more and more disconnected. More angry, more paranoid... And I started having nightmares. I forgot about those for awhile too. When it started affecting my work, I even tried to forget I was stressed at all."

"Or rather, your mind helped you forget," Es mused.

"It should have stayed forgotten," the prisoner growled. "I can't believe I ruined everything, and I didn't even know it. John wanted to protect someone who forced him to exist because I COULDN'T protect me!" He pulled at the strap over his chest, struggling to keep composure. There was no trace of his fake smile.

"You didn't force anything," Es corrected him softly. "The brain is an organ that adapts to survive. Even had you known, it's not something that can be harnessed and commanded. It's adaptation." It was a simple matter-of-fact, complex as it was. Es hoped they had their facts straight now, anyway.

"So how do we go back to normal?!" Mikoto cried. His hands were shaking now and was sobbing again; he quickly realized how dizzy he was becoming. "I-I need to sit." He lowered himself back to the floor and slumped against the wall, arms childishly wrapped around his knees. He felt nothing but shame presenting himself this way. He was 23, he was a graphic design agent, a working man! He couldn't break down like this! He couldn't have it this bad! Even if he didn't even feel like himself at the moment, even if reality felt completely made up... "There's got- there's got to be a way to fix this."

To his surprise, Es didn't look at him with judgement or pity. The only thing that stood out was curiosity, and they gently sat beside him as they gathered their words. "It's not a matter of fixing, Kayano-kun. You all need... Healing," Es spoke carefully. They figured the nickname would do for now.

"Can't heal from a murder charge," the prisoner scoffed. Mikoto felt reality spin as John spat out his remark. John ran a hand through his hair, smoothing some parts and causing others to stick out awkwardly. "It's still my fault. Those urges, those feelings... They're mine to carry, to protect him from."

"John... maybe you can protect each other. Share the burden. It was one body and, according to Milgram, one prisoner. Maybe if you can forgive yourselves... Milgram will show me a better outcome for you both." That was the best Es could think of to help right now. To think it was upon them to say whether this man was forgivable; he had seen so much of the real world that they themselves had yet to remember, and they couldn't even imagine the stress of his perfectionist lifestyle on top of it all. They wanted to cry from how unfair it all was, but prisoner 009 was the priority right now.

As the warden... They had to do what they thought was best. They almost felt guilty for having Kotoko on standby, even though it was she who insisted. But that didn't mean Mikoto, or even John, was dangerous.

"I know I didn't do the right thing," Mikoto sighed, sitting up as he regained composure. "And it still doesn't feel real. I can almost feel the memory slipping again. It hurts, Guard-kun!" He gripped the sides of his head. Es instinctively reached gently for his hands to discourage him from pulling his hair out, and Mikoto flinched. He hit the barrier between them with his hands as he automatically covered himself.

"Shhh... Mikoto..."

"I'm sorry!"

"You didn't hurt me. I startled you," Es said. "Mikoto, you don't need to remember all the time. That's what your alter John, and any others there may be... Are for," they looked away, thinking bitterly about what may lie in their own memories. "It can hurt to remember, Mikoto. Sometimes it's even dangerous."

"I was dangerous when I didn't remember, too," Mikoto sniffed. "John... He wanted to protect us - protect me - so badly that we hurt a lot of things. Even you."

"Well as for me, Mikoto, my physical health is no worse for wear," Es replied. They were only partly lying - they were exhausted constantly, but John's outburst was long down the list of incidents by now. "I forgive you. Do you... Forgive you? Forgive John?"

"John... I barely know John..." Mikoto sighed, feeling defeated as the words he tried to form seemed to fade from his mind. "But I... I forgive his mistakes. I hope he can forgive me too." Mikoto then felt lightheaded again, but although his throat felt stuck and his chest was tight, his left hand gave a small thumbs up.

Es couldn't help but chuckle a bit. "Well, there you go."

Mikoto heaved a sigh, suddenly feeling more exhausted than ever. "Thank you..." He whispered. He began to cry again, but smiled a smile that seemed to come more from genuine gratitude than fear. "Thank you, Guard-kun. I know... John will be happier now. I'm... I'm really scared. But we don't have to be lonely."

Es stood up slowly, offering a hand to help him to the bed. 009 sat still on the floor for a moment, a small frown forming on his face as he took their hand. "It's... It's John." He whispered, although they were partly holding him upright, Milgram ignoring his presence and giving him away. It felt strange, announcing himself like that, but comfortable too. "I know we can't undo what we did... Thank you for helping Mikoto."

"You deserve help, too, John. Mikoto wants to be there for you, too," the small warden looked up at him with almost a sense of urgency, praying John wouldn't try to take it all on himself anymore.

"Well he can start..." John mused, "by not giving away my cigarettes anymore. How's that?"

"Oh yeah, he did tell me to stop giving those to him even if he asks. I think..." They almost didn't suppress a laugh as they walked the system to their cot; although the situation wasn't funny itself, it was an interesting process. "I think finding those over and over is when he knew he forgot more than he knew."

"Damn right..." John sat down on the bed, the body falling over nearly instantly.

"Goodnight, John-kun, Mikoto-kun," Es said softly, heading towards the cell door.

"Goodnight, and thank you again," John's low voice replied.

As they went out the door, they heard another.

"Oh! Goodnight, Guard-kun!" A soft whisper said from across the room. "...And thank you."

That night was the most restful sleep Mikoto's body had gotten in years. He almost felt like he could finally get used to this. He would never get used to "being a killer," though. He didn't know much about the social perception of DID, so he sure hoped that wasn't a general stereotype.

End.

#milgram #mikoto milgram #john milgram #milgram fanfic #character study #cw vomit mention #cw panic attack #cw rapid switching #?#idk if anyone needs that but it's there lol #cw mild self-injury (unintentional)#switching my be written confusingly but we did our best lol it's confusing on this end too #ambiguous third mikoto #longer than i intended but wasn't sure where it was going anyway lol #freeform yaaaaay #Es 009 siblings for life

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