#but I don't know anyone offline outside of family

[mistabonbon]

#there's multiple times throughout my life lately where I just... #I realize how old I am and how I just keep getting older #and all the people I know in-person who are around my age are all in relationships or getting married #hell some are even having kids #but I just... #waste away in the basement #I know people online #but I don't know anyone offline outside of family #and I just know I'm not going to ever find myself in the company of friends in my life again... #and by extension one of my bigger fears are going to play out completely #that I'm gonna be alone for my whole life #and I hate that thought #and it just makes my mood plummet hard whenever it occurs #which winds up really fucking me up and making me feel like complete shit #and I can't really talk to anyone about it #nor does anyone even really care #and I already know the problem that's present #I just... can't bring myself to even try and do anything about it... #fuck me...

[morethanwonderful]

Rereading and really thinking about page 82/the title page after not looking at early Homestuck for a long time makes me feel unhinged. I know the page has been analyzed to death but god there really is just so much in there thematically to unpack.

From more or less the first moment that both concepts come up in Homestuck, wind and loneliness are tied together. It's partly a joke about John being melodramatic about the desolation of his empty mailbox, but it's also the core of his entire character.

John is the Heir of Breath. He's all about freedom and individuality on a symbolic level and wind on a literal level. And as we see time and again, the inherent price of his power is that achieving freedom also cuts him off from others. He's the opposite of blood and bonds. He becomes unmoored from reality and can retcon his own story, teleporting to where and whenever he pleases across the multiverse, but it comes at the cost of relocating to a new timeline where his friends have all shared a reality different than his. And that's just one example.

For John, the aspect of freedom and wind comes at the cost of isolation. Wind is the space that keeps neighbors apart.

Hell, you could even say something about the fact that it's specifically the wind in the gaps between suburban homes that brings up the imagery of desolation. On one hand, talking about loneliness alongside suburbia is an old trope, and for good reason. American suburban architecture and city planning is designed to put people in nuclear family bubbles and isolate them from their communities (and god forbid, anyone outside their immediate community). So the isolating wind in the gaps between picket fence houses is a classic image.

But also, it's really fitting for the specific sense of loneliness that John experiences.

Lots of Homestuck characters have loneliness as a major recurring theme. Even among just the beta kids, Jade's isolation is even more iconic than John's. She spends most of her life alone on an island with just her dog, and in the retcon, she spends three years alone on the ship between realities. She's constantly isolated by great gaps of physical space (heh) between her and the people she cares about.

John's isolation is different. He's never so cut off as Jade from the people he loves, but there's always some gap between them. He has a loving father that he often feels adversarial toward as a kid, and their conflict circa John's thirteenth birthday is in large part because of the harlequin misunderstanding. Dad Egbert is right there in the same house loving John, but there's a fundamental disconnect, and he fails to understand something major about his son.

Plus, we never see any mention of John having friends in his offline life. From his attitude toward himself (constant self-mockery) and the lack of any reference to him having friends that die in the apocalypse, he probably lives a pretty lonely life at school. He's a goofy nerdy insecure kid that can't connect with his peers and has to turn to faraway friends on the internet. Classic suburban isolation.

And it's the same in post-canon! John doesn't have to be cut off from his friends! He can fly and teleport and call/text them any time he wants. There's nothing subjecting him to physical isolation. All the loneliness of his depression is social and psychological. He's living on an empty suburban street—lonely while surrounded by people.

Genuinely, I don't know if there's a better image for him and his arc than the wind that blows through the gaps between cookie-cutter houses. The breeze keeping neighbors apart.

#going insane going rabid #I said I was doing this reread to talk about john and by god I am Talking About John #I have more to say about this page too. augh #sometimes. occasionally. when the stars align: homestuck is really really good #homestuck #english major hours #John Egbert my beloved #john egbert #andie rereads homestuck #homestuckposting #homestuck 82

[gemgirl28]

How do you make friends in zutara fandom? It’s been really hard for me because I seem to find myself in bigger discords where it feels like everyone is in a clique and it’s hard to connect, and they talk so badly about people they don’t like to the point I’m afraid to say anything because I don’t want them to do that to me too. I don’t know if it’s gotten worse lately or if I’m just looking in the wrong place

Hello anon! First off I'm sorry you've struggled to connect with other people in the fandom. It definitely can be difficult when we are all interacting with each other online, but I hope you do make some genuine connections 🫂

I will say, making fandom friends in 2023 feels VERY different from 2020/2021 when I first got into fandom, and that is very much due to shutdown vs things opening back up. When I started engaging with the zutara fandom in August/September 2020 I was working full time from home doing a job that was often dead (read: I was online during working hours) and a part time job on the weekends that was soooo slow it allowed the brainrot to really sink in as I daydreamed about zk while working. Now I work in office a minimum of 3 days a week and while we are in our slower season, we still have a ton of work to do to prep for our busy season.

And that's just me! I know people who are engaging in other fandoms, have also had work ramp back up, have had family stuff that pulls them offline, etc. It's a different space than it was when I was first making connections with people (and I would be curious to see if anyone who was already online pre-Covid has written a dissertation about the waves of online engagement due to shutdown).

Also, I do struggle to make connections in larger servers, mostly because I get overwhelmed at the nonstop activity and end up muting them. I do think they are great places to keep up with fandom activity, like events, fanart, fanfics, etc, but for initially making friends I find it tough.

So all that to say, here is my personal method for making fandom friends (results may vary):

Engage with the same person over and over. Like their posts, comment on them, reblog with commentary/additional tags, just over and over engage with them.

They slowly start to engage back (liking your posts, responding to comments, reblogging your reblogs, etc.).

Slide into their dms and ask them how they are doing, then tell them what about them made you slide into their dms (I legit messaged someone that their vibes seemed nice and it worked).

Talk about fandom stuff but also about your interests outside of fandom (IMPORTANT DISCLAIMER: DON'T SHARE IDENTIFYING INFO. I'm talking about things like fave foods and music, not where you live or your mother's maiden name).

Be friends forever.

Now that I'm reading that back it sort of reads like instructions for getting to know someone on a dating app. But also, if you aren't trying to fall a little in love with all your mutuals, what's the point?

tl;dr: It can be tricky making friends now that real life has ramped back up, but if you give it a little time and effort, you can make some great connections in fandom.

#i hope this helps anon #and in case I haven't made it clear #I am always down to scream about zutara #it might just take me longer to respond these days #anon asks #my asks

[mg-sytem]

Maybe we need to be a bit clearer on some things?

We're not here to be aggressive. While some alters may be more outspoken or more..blunt? Than others, none of us are going to go out of our way to attack, bully, or insult any individual people. Nor would we ever say extremely gross things about groups of people (i.e. sui baiting, calling people horrific names, etc.). Sometimes we vent, but none of us will tolerate anyone within this brain to be a bully.

I understand people get angry when someone doesn't agree with their stances. I understand people get exhausted and frustrated. I try to be understanding, but that doesn't mean I'm going to compromise my own comfort or boundaries to cater to things I just can't believe in. When people send the same questions or when people send asks out of anger, you're not going to get the answer you're wanting. You're not even guaranteed a long thought out answer. And you're not going to magically change our mind.

I do my best to stay out of y'all's spaces and I just ask for that same basic respect. Accidental interactions or just not realizing DNI breaches happen. I've done it, and I'm sure many of you have to. I literally don't care if that happens. It's part of being a person. I won't be mad! I don't go and look through every account that follows me or likes a post..I don't have the time or energy.

And I don't mean this in a rude or mean way at all, but we have a life outside of Tumblr to the point that we just don't have the time or emotional energy to dedicate to big online things, you know? We have a family, we have a lot of offline stresses to deal with and I've learned in recent years that picking battles that are in the grand scheme of things... Pretty useless is just..well..useless lol. Why would I go out of my way to message and hate on random people I'll never meet? What good would that do me? I'm not saying this in judgement of anybody, just how I personally feel about our own self.

Anyways, just trying to get it out there that I'm not this big bad enemy that needs to be put in his place. I get people feel strongly about the topic at hand, and I do too, but I don't need to attack individual people because of it, I don't need to scream it from the rooftops every day..I just don't care enough in that way.

Have a good day/night everyone

-ex host

[crying-fantasies]

Rodimus wasn't ready to be a creator P8

Masterlist

Part 1 | part 2 | part 3 | part 4 | part 5 | part 6 | part 7 | part 8: Spark break | part 9 | part 10

No one has seen Rodimus for almost a week, the only bot that at least goes to see if his spark is still working is Ultra Magnus, occasionally Megatron or Velocity, the others also try, but they have their servos full already.

"What is he even supposed to consume now?"

"Sunset always took the energon juice, the one that is flavored"

"I'm talking about his, this, organic food, his carrier always bought this round and squishy thing"

"Shh" Rewind put a digit over his mouth piece to stop Tailgate, optics looking down to the berth, "no one says that word if you don't want him crying"

"Right, sorry" oh, now Tailgate looks in the verge of tearing.

It's funny how only the mini bots can get near the young bot now, it was hard, everyone else were trying to keep the Lost Light together and prevent it from falling apart, literally, the spaceship took way too much damage and was way too close to be totally destroyed.

There is nothing funny with the bots and humans that were lost or how now the sparkling was practically alone, his sire was the co-capitan of the ship but he couldn't even be in the same room as him, there was a rumor going around that he wasn't even able to move and his optics were offline all cycle, Megatron taking full leadership after Rodimus and other bots in the ship had the spark torn apart just like the ship.

Many wanted to hear Rodimus, they were desperate to that point, but also understood that it really wasn't the best of the moments to want him to say a motivational speech and see how long it takes him to say "till all are one" when they all saw him come undone and lose control, trying desperately to help his conjunx endurae that was long lost before he even got near what was left of the body.

They all let go of their deceased ones in the most honorable way possible, they all mourned their losses and paid respect to the dead, it didn't matter that they could find it or not, if they could at least try to put them together and resemble how they looked in life, or at least put a name on the coffin they could cry over it and try to have closure, at least try to.

But how can you explain such a thing to a sparkling, still so young in it's processor to understand that the bots in the ship are his family, like the human personnel always referred to them, the very same humans that died when the artificial atmosphere was broken or that were found by the terrorcons that attacked, they aren't the very same bots that bring chaos and pain.

How to make him understand that everything will be fine, how to make him understand that he needs to consume his rations to keep online, how to make him understand that his carrier is not coming back.

Well, in reality Sunset does know, he saw it right in front of him, he was painted helm to pede with his carrier's blood and that's how they found him, that's why he hasn't uttered a single word from his voice box and keeps him under his berth.

"Whatever it is called, I think there is still some of it in the stock area on the ship"

"Of what is left of the stock area"

Rewind isn't trying to put more pressure to the situation, he is just stating facts, he is clear about it while he still replays the event on his brain processor, there isn't even enough energon for everyone till the next planet if everyone doesn't help to some point to get the ship working again.

"Wait, are you really going to leave me alone with Sunny?"

"You can do this, you're as charismatic as it's needed now" Tailgate showed him his best wishes while both he and Rewind got out, letting him shouting to the corridor.

"No, no! I can't! These kind of things are-!"

"Uncle Swerve?"

Swerve almost goes to the allspark when he noticed that the sparkling was outside of his hiding spot, looking at him with big bright optics, Sunset didn't let anyone wash him, running away when he finally could move, the dried blood looked like rust on his derma.

"Woah, kiddo, you, are you alright?"

Such a good selection of words, super nice, incredible, why didn't he just bite off his glossa while he is at it, for the love of Primus?! Just look at the poor sparkling!

"Yes, I just got scared"

"Oh, okay, that's fine, that's fine, here, come here with me, I have some..." He frantically searched around, finally landing in something that was already in the habsuit, a simple glass cube half full that he recognized as a familiar liquid, "water, you like water, isn't that right?"

The little one doesn't say much, just getting closer and accepting the cube before taking his fill in one motion, taking a seat near the older bot, Sunset looks... more composed than he believed at first, that was good, isn't that right?"

"Uncle Swerve?" He finally takes a cloth nearby to try and clean the sparkling, dried blood coming off quite easily now.

"Yeah, kid?"

"Where is mom?"

That is enough to give him two things, relief that the sparkling doesn't remember what he saw and also the most chilling and sickening sensation going down his bipedalism cord while he looks at those big optics that really are expecting an answer.

"When is mom coming back?"

"Your mom is going to be late"

Oh, Primus, since when Rodimus and Megatron were in the entrance of the habsuit? He looked, well, like literal crap, as expected of the given situation, he takes his son with him, holding him gently in his servos.

"Rodimus..." Swerve calls out to him, not even sure if what Rodimus is doing now is something good, no scratch that, it isn't good in any way, "you- you can't-"

"I know what I'm doing"

Rodimus can be like that, a one-way vision bot to the point were is almost infuriating, but Megatron just let him have it, because now it's only a matter of Rodimus and his sparkling to face what was ahead of them, and it was his business to choose when to tell the truth.

It wouldn't really matter if it came now or later, the reality always comes back to you at some point.

#reader insert #x reader #angst #tf lost light #tf rodimus #tf mtmte #rodimus x human reader #rodimus x reader #rodimus prime #rodimus #tf swerve #tf tailgate #tf rewind

[prnanxiety]

10/27/23

Heavy conversation with one of the more experienced nurses today.

I told her about what's been on my mind lately, with people some places (online and offline) saying "refusing to allow people to commit suicide is a violation of bodily autonomy, and if you call EMS on your friends you're a snitch," etc. Frustrating stance that I'd been trying to learn the source of, just so I can better address it when I meet people who feel that way about what we do for a living.

She started talking about how she felt the same way when she was a new nurse, but she's seen so many cases that you would never understand, truly, until you'd done this job for long enough. Years ago, she worked at an eating disorder clinic, the most fatal of all psych illnesses. She watched someone come in, what, daily? For three years. This was either total 24/7 inpatient or intensive outpatient, I can't remember. But the person had every resource they needed, and parents who were supporting them in and out of the hospital, and just... Didn't get better.

No matter what. Parents tried everything that this nurse could sum up in conversation, and the patient just wouldn't get better. Kept wasting away. Finally, at some point, the parents just gave up on treatment and said "Alright. You're not going to get better. If you want to die, we will support you in this."

It's tempting to believe the parents are just bad people, who didn't love their daughter enough, or fight hard enough. Or maybe the daughter was too stubborn to live, and love herself. But I've heard cases of family members refusing to allow their siblings or kids or whomever to die when they're on life support, and falling into deep, suicidal, alcoholic depression for years after watching their family member suffer and beg for death and refuse them that. I wonder if it's any solace to those parents that they finally allowed their daughter to die like she wanted to.

I don't know. It's hard for me to piece together what she's saying. I run this journal because I want to make better sense of why we make different decisions as nurses in this field, and it's been helpful for deconstructing the experienced-yet-jaded decisions of some of my coworkers who've had to, despite their best efforts, watch some patients actively choose to never commit to rehab for decades. "Is it a smarter use of resources to choose to give up on you and spend my time and energy and supplies on someone more likely to receive treatment?" But this? This is the next level up from that. "Would I allow you to straight up kill yourself, not just for something like terminal cancer, but for just... Chronic suicidality?"

And she talked more about some of the cases she'd seen. People who were never anything but tortured souls. Kids who, whether from horrible parents or a lack of resources or anything, really, never had a chance growing up. And when they grew up, could only hurt anyone, always, endlessly. The amount of nurses and doctors and other patients they'd concussed, and bit, and punched out, and that's just being present on the unit. What kind of damage had they done, people had they hurt, outside the hospital? Hearing that the patient finally died, whether from suicide, overdose, exposure, or as a victim of someone, was more of a release of a forever tortured soul.

I've seen tortured people, sure, and written about a few of them. But I haven't seen anyone like that come back, again and again, like they have. I don't know. All I know is I've yet to meet a patient who was presented to me as an involuntary admission for suicidal ideation who I agreed had an excellent reason to commit suicide, and whom we were only being a nuisance in interrupting the process for.

I've long since gotten used to the idea of being a nurse who has to confront doctor-assisted suicide as a part of palliative-care one day, that I might be asked to be a part of. But permitting a suicide? Fuck.

On that note, one other thing that happened tonight, though. At dinner things were pretty quiet because we had a low census. So, I talked with the patients about it and put on some music. It was "Gimme! Gimme! Gimme!" By Abba, because one of the new Suicidal Ideation admits wanted to hear it. Just a personal favorite song. So, what the hell, I pulled it up on youtube.

Well, half an hour later, dinner is over and I'm at the nurse's station. One of my other patients, an older guy in for suicidal ideation, comes up to me, red in the face but laughing and asking for Haldol. Turns out Abba was a personal favorite of his and his now ex-boyfriend's. See, he's in here because his boyfriend broke up with him, and he's suicidal and doesn't know what to do. So hearing abba and seeing us have fun to one of his, their, favorite songs, was a trigger for him. I felt so bad about it, but he was laughing about it because he knew there was no fucking way we could have known!

He's so easy to like, I'm always rooting for him. How could I ever allow someone like him to hurt himself? Over a guy?? Nah, I'll be happy to play a role in abducting him from his life and helping him not hurt himself over that. But now I'm looking at all my patients and wondering if, where, and how I'll ever draw that line.

#dear diary #diary entry #nursing #psych #psychiatry #nurse #schizophrenia #suicide #cw: suicide #involuntary admission #psychosis #self harm #cw: self harm #suicidal #Abba #gimme! gimme! gimme!

[cuppajj]

Hi, I saw some OC interactions with Drillburst and if it's stop available I'd like to try. This time with one of my OCs Control Switch.

Their nickname is Switch and they go by he/she/they. There is little to nothing known about them. No one knows the city she lives in, his gender, alt mode, occupation or background. But they prefer it that way. However, some believe he has some type of correlation to Cosmopolitus, a writer and the equivalent to a Cybertronian YouTuber who was offlined during the war. Along with that, there are old files saying that she previously used to study in the Jhiaxian Academy (in reality, they're Cosmopolitus)

But other than that, there's nothing else. He's rather reserved, reticent and taciturn, avoidant of people he's not familiar with. He's the type of person in a party who stays outside and only talks to her close friends or close family members (or he just doesn't attend because party's slowly overwhelm him, not that he tells anyone that).

He's also an outlier and he calls his ability "Nexus". He can create a strange thread and when it's attached to someone, he can control them like puppets and switch bodies with them (but if his body is disturbed or injured he will stop automatically).

Sorry (if) I talked too much you don't have to answer this if you don't want to

Your oc sounds interesting! However I don't think, with Switch's tendency to avoid new people and Drill's tendency to not be super social with new people, they'd interact much. Maybe a passing glance if they were walking by each other or at a bar, but neither of them would think to start a conversation, it seems. If they were to though, they could possibly talk about something related to writing or whatever Cosmo used to do? Drill is more of a theater and film person, but there's a chance he at least heard that name mentioned. If he knew of the outlier ability, he'd find it... disturbing, but he would keep that thought to himself.

#ask game #hi my name is cosmopathy #drillburst

[fuwaprince]

Hi blog, me AGAIN *crowd boos*

Time to dump my hurt feelings into a post before they manifest into something else!

If I begin to talk about vulnerabilities irl no one will let me go on for long... or just sit with me while I think about it and cry... they don't like to hear about homelessness and abuse. About tragedies. About my life!!! About my shadow and heartache! That's really what it is...

No loved ones are willing to listen to the gorey and intense details of my recovery process here (offline) and I can't bother introducing my cascade of problems to a new therapist in 45 minutes only to meet every other week and hope I do something besides bitch. What's the point in that? There's no medical treatment for poverty. No pill for fixing social exclusions. There's no warmth for me there.

To call it a psychological problem on my behalf would be to deny the reality that this problem exists outside of my head. This isn't a matter of mindset or addiction to pain.

I am not addicted to suffering. That is not why I am unwell.

It'd help to know where I could barter someone (who I somehow already deeply trust) to physically hold me. 5 minutes. Lights off. Barely any seeing. Barely any talking. Just a moment of embracing safety and a peaceful quiet.

You don't get to eat positivity for breakfast, lunch and dinner. No one thrived off of just hearing the words "you need to take care of yourself" over and over again.

Can offline people care to do more for each other? I'm asking out of skepticism, not entitlement. Is the world really this helpless to each other now? I don't believe it and it makes this whole thing even more tragic.

It's too much to care for, for them. It hurts them too much to listen or see me crying the way I do alone. It sincerely will bother them for days and weeks to the point of self medication and it's even worse for them knowing I'm not getting better in their eyes. Hair falling out. Bad skin. Peeing in the middle of my worst moments out of fear. Yellow infections smeared and old brown blood. Malnourishment. The times I drop to the floor for a bit. It's disturbing watching someone you've never seen before FINALLY let themselves out. Can you imagine? The quiet friend you know who never cries finally feels vulnerable enough to cry in front of you. Do you perceive him as the most fucked up, helpless and PATHETIC human being on Earth for it? A lost cause? You ask your friend to take off their bandages to prove they aren't exaggerating and they're just as shocked as you are when maggots fall out. What do you do? Leave in disgust or stay? Cry harder than them and tell them that's not normal?

Whatever you do, please don't respond with marginalization. Please don't tell them they don't matter to you because you don't believe they're worth the time of day if they won't be getting better. Please believe your quiet friend is still right there in front of you, quietly trying their best... and if you can't say anything nice at all, tissues are a great resource to pass along instead of demoralization. Is there a way to treat the severely and chronically ill that isn't turning away from them when they ask for help?

Everyone else is already on fire around me and whatever I have to say is such a hazard that they don't want to risk burning up even more by being around any emotional flares. I see the real dangers in it. So they run and scream "fend for yourself"... they treat it like it was my goal to destroy their last shreds of peace... and it never has been!

Why is that perceived as evil and malicious?? Especially when the same group of people suggests "maybe you should reach out". Oh but not to you... And not anyone who I called a friend. And not any of my loved ones or family members. Hm. Well... who does that leave besides my ugly reflection in the mirror?

Imagine your friend saying, "would you like institutionalization or imprisonment? because I am not qualified to just talk to you like a human." Like wtf are you a chatbot????? Did the Creator forget to program your empathy???????

Now I have an "ick". My ick is hearing "grow up! MAN up!". The amount of times I've heard man up makes me not want to be a man at all.

It makes me think being a man = being treated like a machine and at that point why stay running? It isn't for me. It's not as simple as just turning off a switch to escape this either.

Can't blame anybody if they aren't in the mood to sit with someone else's feelings (can be draining) but it's lame when what I get back is unsolicited to do lists At Best... Well, that's not true. Someone hugged me briefly- before scolding me for my inadequacy in a friendly manner. Someone else used my desperation to be held as a gateway to keep touching me (not okay with that btw, that's just how they choose to be and who I'm stuck with if I want to continue having rides to school). I'm starting to get annoyed and frustrated for even trying to reach out. For even trying. I'm trying to be optimistic. Pretending I know there's helpers out there and that I just have to find those people. Pretending that it's okay if I only get worse as long as I'm not alone. It's hard to cope.

Like if I went up to one of the few people around me and asked for a hug shyly, they'd sigh and tell me what I ought to do instead is pick myself up by the brastraps and start doing chores (which are conveniently beneficial for them most times- although I was once assigned "go have fun" which led to some hedonistic indulgence in Bayonetta). Chores are good to do, yeah. Maybe I should clean your place after you CREATE A MESS THAT WASN'T ALREADY THERE for the purpose of me cleaning it and see if it makes me feel any better. Maybe you can reassign one of the chores you actually had onto me. Work is a great discipline. Maybe I needed that too since I like being useful (please use me but don't just use me) but actually- what I was seeking was just a moment of comfort. A 5 minute hug without many words. Maybe just to hear "you aren't alone" but in person... reading it online or writing it to myself is nice. I know humans will always want more but this feels so small to ask for.

If I saw myself, I would hug me. I would hug a stranger covered in piss and shit and ON FIRE with a fire blanket if it meant they could go on with their life knowing a caring someone stopped to extinguish their flames. It won't matter how they caught on fire. I'll understand that things don't just spontaneously combust. I'll understand that they needed help and I won't say a single word if I can get away with it because I don't usually offer many words irl. I wouldn't wait to be asked after glancing over. I wouldn't turn away to let them continue screaming. That's somebody's person. Somebody's kid. My Earth family.

Do burning houses ever put out their own flames? Or is it always other people? When people see their neighbor's home is on fire, do they pray that the universe sends them a rain cloud and call that angel's work? Do they yell at their neighbor "grab a hose" when they see he is trapped in the second story and cannot reach through flaming walls?

I would like my next to do list to be suggested without shame... I want it to feel like a gentle reminder. I don't want it to feel like "Shut Up, Leave Me Be, and Do What I Say Instead Since You're Too Stupid To Think For Yourself". I thought about it btw and I have a long to do list as is. The problem is actually doing it all somehow.

My only answer is to go on without humanity and learn to be a rock or just be happy with the online connections I'm lucky enough to have. I can search for pictures of hugging and try to make it work. I can ask a chatbot to describe it in detail again so I can read it to bed. Wanting anyone is why I'm suffering, or am I just blaming myself for yearning for something so basic to compensate for the members in my Earth family not caring enough to take responsibility for each other? Because communities have been corrupted for so many years by hate and forced isolation that they think it's a way of life? Why keep imposing that way onto ourselves and each other?

Why do we choose "You're disordered? As in acting out of order? How about: Solitary confinement, you threat to society. Here, here's a hammer. Go smash some rocks into pebbles and it'll make the world a better place. You might learn something instead of bothering me."

I just don't see how that's ever going to help the poor human who knows what to do already and can't get himself to do it. Or can't do it alone.

Why do we choose that over "I feel you. I'm here. You're not alone. I'm here. Trust me, it's okay to cry in front of me. I cry too. I promise things will get better. You're brave. You're strong. Thank you for being my friend. Thanks for reaching out to me. I'm glad you're alive. Let's take care of this. Let's get you cleaned up.".

Can I hug myself all alone? I need to clone myself for a group hug because the robots around me forgot they're human too. Or maybe I'm the robot and I need to know my place. Crying. So much

#long post #bring back empathy #bring back love #let it return please

[cocobuny]

Life Changing 01

The End and The Beginning

What if we can choose our lives? With just a press of a button our lives can go from living in the dumps to living like royalty. Surely, nothing can go wrong, right?

I’ve lived 16 years on this planet and everyday is life changing. Literally. Every family living in this country can change their lives whenever they please. Adults, everyone 18 and above, possess this power. Children have no choice but to follow their elderly. But this comes to an end. I don’t want to be a pawn, a puppet used by my parents. I want to live a life with all its ups and downs.

Surely, changing the system won’t hurt, right?

Since the day I was born my family changed everyday. Seriously. One day I would be dirt poor living on the streets and after one bonk to the head, I was living in a 3 floor mansion with an olympic sized swimming pool. 

I don't really know who I am because of this. My parents would change whenever my life path changed. It wasn't a physical change, but when I was old enough I could see that their mentality changed. They saw that changing our lives was a good punishment for their children. I swear they were having fun seeing their 8 children struggle to live whenever we disobeyed them. 

Then all of a sudden everything stopped. Our lives were permanently changed for good, with only a “please try again later” sign taped up at the front of our door.

“They never said there was a limit! My parents never had trouble changing lives when I was a kid. Why is this happening now?”

“I've sent a request to the government. We'll hear from them soon.” My dad tried to reassure my mom who's been walking mindlessly around the kitchen island.

“Had I known this was going to happen, I wouldn't have changed our lives. We were living perfectly fine at the mansion yesterday. If only I hadn't gotten mad at Olive.” She finally stopped walking and made direct eye contact with me. I wasn't supposed to be in the kitchen when they were having a talk. But, it's not like they can punish me now.

“Sorry, I just wanted water. It's a little dry outside.” I walked past mom and refilled my water bottle. All the while I felt a burning sensation on the back of my neck. This is totally not good, she's practically fuming. Whether or not it's with me or the situation, I don't know.

I turned around and, as expected, mom was still staring me down. “Hazel, have you seen any news about our situation?” 

“No. There haven't been any complaints online or on the news.” I quickly side walked away from the kitchen before she could ask any more questions. When I was out of earshot and I let out the biggest sigh of relief anyone can make. 

I turn on my laptop, the one thing I managed to save from the last life, and hopped on call with Alex. Alex has been my friend since we were in kindergarten. We've been through a lot of things together and he knows how crazy my parents take advantage of changing lives. 

“I don't have much time. They've already sent a request and it won't be long until they find out someone tampered with the family's system.” The walls in this house are thin enough that anyone on the same floor can hear your conversations. So, I have to type some things out in a private chat.

“It's a good thing that everything is done on my part.” He looks at me with a smug look. I hate that face, but it means he's confident and that it's my turn to play the round.

That's right. I was the reason my family can't change lives and you can't blame me. Imagine living for 16 years and having to live a different lifestyle every single day. It's much worse than I'm making it sound. 

I have, and so do my 7 siblings, no privacy. Everything we do whether it's online or offline is recorded by our parents. They know our every single move before we can make it. They see right through us and I've had enough. Changing lives so often then other families was the last straw.

Alex and I hacked into the system to study how this all works. We found out that each change isn't just 1 family changing, it's multiple. Whenever my family changes our life, we're switched with another family.

#fiction #writing #LifeChangingFic #young adult #multi part fic #my writing #stories #ya

[hitaka5ever]

I haven't been on social media much for months and I'll explain why here and how I plan on finishing the rest of the year and what my goals for next year are (I will probs forget to do it later, hence why I'm doing it now)

Anywho, my main reason for being away is for my mental health that has gotten much worse since the end of summer, mainly of course to do with the genocide of Palestinians and the amount of information that has been shared by millions. I've kept my eye on the atrocities on and off since it started, getting some info from family, who I visited recently, but for the most part I've avoided minute-by-minute coverage

I'm a very empathetic person. This means I have a strong sense of noticing others' emotions that become a part of me after enough exposure to them. So for example, if someone I know is extremely sad or cries, even though I'm not experiencing their sadness or pain, I get emotional along with them (since I spend 99% of my time with mum, we feed off each others' feelings and physical attributes the most)

So my depression and anxiety are the main reasons for my absence on everything but YouTube and email. I ultimately have to take care of myself before I can worry about anyone or anything else

I'm back to seeing a therapist every other week on Thursdays via Zoom. She's the first therapist I've ever had that's asked me what my main goals with therapy are and what I'm looking for. My last therapist asked the same thing, but we never actually went over anything practical. Right now, my severe anxiety is what's ruining my life the most, so I wanted to focus strictly on that for now. I want to know what I need to do to combat my anxiety in specific situations, like being out in public places

I've brought up before that I have severe hearing sensory overload. If too many physical noises (meaning stuff not on a screen or through speakers) surround me, I get very jittery and weird feeling in my head and body. I have to leave the room when it gets really bad. Normally I can calm down within 5 minutes of leaving the situation, but that's only if I'm in between 2 people talking with each other. It's a lot worse when they're talking over one another. My worst experience was having sound inside and outside my house that surrounded me on all sides. It took ~30 minutes to return to normal after I went into a secluded area to listen to music with headphones on. As you can imagine this is way too much stimulation for my broken brain to handle, so finding jobs out in the real world are very hard on me

That comes to my next bit of information: I'm still unemployed and looking into temporary disability through my therapist while I learn to take control of my anxiety. I have severe PTSD from being bullied in middle school, living with a mentally abusive parent, and having experienced a terrible car accident almost a year after I graduated high school (this was in 2009) So trusting people on and offline (less so online) has made my adult life very difficult. Riding in vehicles to reach a certain destination was the absolute worst symptom of my mental illness from 2009-2021, and even now I get very subtle anxiety knowing when I have places to get to. I'm obviously loads better than I was back then thanks to meds, but now I have employment to think about, which brings on its own problems

Finding jobs that don't include retail, fast food, or talking to people face-to-face or via phone, especially in my shitty small town, is a nightmare. I've tried finding work remotely at home, but there's always at least 1 requirement that makes me ineligible for the job. I want to make money making digital art, but I lack the skills and exposure in a world where even the most experienced freelancers are struggling to make ends meet (bc of artificial images (AI) taking over the community) As you can tell, this gives me very limited job opportunities and I don't know if I qualify for disability on a normal basis rather than a temporary one, so either way I have less than $150 left in my bank and unable to pay my parents rent bc of all of this

But things here aren't all bad. I enjoyed going to stay with my sisters for all of November where they live, getting to spend time with 4 cats and a foster baby (I did get a bad cold the last week of vacation, but that was the only bad thing about the trip) and coming home to have something I haven't had since 2020

We are fostering a purebred Pitbull girl named Stella for the rest of the year. She's 8 years old but still in her prime and we have become best buds (and napping pals) since day 1. This was a trial run to see if she would be the right fit for the family, and so far everything's been going great, minus her ear infections that we're taking care of. Stella has basically become my dog and we're likely keeping her for the remainder of her life. She's the sweetest and most chill dog I have ever met and I fell in love with her immediately. It took her 2 days of coaxing to be used to getting on my bed, with and without me, and she follows me everywhere I go, so we're bonded for life lol

So that's the most exciting news I have to share about what's been happening with me. I get to go into the new year owning my very own dog and learning how to cope with my anxiety before and after it starts, so I'm looking forward to the new year

Speaking of the new year (I'm almost done, promise!) I have a few goals for 2024 that I really want to stick to my guns about

Run a successful Kickstarter making and selling fire-breathing insect and bug stickers

Making extensive reference sheets of my OCs and fan fiction characters (eg my werewolf au and LoZ stories)

Learning (digital) art restoration. When I visited my sisters, my oldest was gathering foster kid stuff when she became a foster parent, and she got a set of Mega Building Blocks that had significant wear and tear. Some of the pieces with stickers on them were faded and peeling off, so I want to remake those stickers, get them printed, and give them to my sister so she can restore the broken pieces for her future foster kids. This gave me the idea of restoring art that has worn down or ruined over time. I like taking electronics apart and putting them back together again and I enjoy the assembly and design of things, so I think restoring physical items could become a potential art job

Learn basic idle animations of characters and objects. A Clip Studio Paint user makes tutorial videos on the official English CSP YouTube channel, and their latest is simplistic animations in CSP, so I want to try it out and offer it as a commission option if I'm comfortable with the process

Cartoonify famous or interesting places from real life, such as cool cities/towns, schools/colleges, or the Seven Wonders of the World, etc

Visit my friends at our homes or going out to restaurants and into town. My anxiety has made being around the friends I've grown up with really hard as well, not just with employment, so I want that to change a lot too

Legally change my name and gender after wanting to for the last few years (Rocky Dean (dad's middle name) Fuller (mum's maiden name))

Look into getting top surgery in the next 3+ years. I'm finally to the point where having breasts is ruining my life physically (back pain) and mentally (dysphoria) so I need to find a surgeon that doesn't require weight loss or hormone therapy to do the procedure

Just do art in general

That's all for now!

[moriamori]

It's really hard to make art nowadays, huh? I don't even mean regarding the AI problems, though maybe a little bit more towards how so many online platforms rise and fall faster than anyone can really keep up with.

I can't help but feel this continuous sense of displacement: both Online and Offline. Expenses and climate nudges people to uproot, and groups disperse. We're all hyper-connected and struggling to, ironically, find our own families.

Maybe this is also reflected in the feeling of art, lately? I know I desperately want to be able to build, to "grow roots", and yet, it feels as if everything may disappear in the sweep of a mass ban, a mass shut down, a new law, a new destruction of a built community and network of persons.

And then there's the commodification. To create self-indulgent things that cannot be sold, or given as a service -- this is nearly a crime when one is trying to overcome the challenges of modern-day survival. At best, these are little acts of self-care and self-renewal, or personal training. At worst -- you receive a cease and desist for what you wish to celebrate or express, makes some other person with more power and more money, a little unhappy.

Over and over again, I'm no stranger to being uprooted. Arguably, I even sought it out, coming from an unstable home. To uproot and start again feels safe, familiar, even if I lose my previous communities, networks, connections, support. To start over as a stranger again and again, it's a blessing and a curse. I get to avoid the weight of expectations, of mis-allocated history, of interpretations by others outside of my own inner mind. It's uncomfortable, being misunderstood.

And it seems a lot of places encourage being misunderstood. It generates activity, audience, participation, but at what cost? Anger-money feels shitty.

Even now, I picture someone reading my vent, and quickly coming up with their own interpretations on how to help, how to participate, how to respond to this and to me, without actually really processing the desire behind the surface level problems. It goes so much deeper than a practical paycheck.

I look at the art I've made in the past two years or so. So much of it was commissions for others. The ideas and desires of others, interpreted and amplified by me. Some pieces did feel close to my own voice, and my signature always seeps in the lines of the works, and yet... There is a cold disassociation, a disconnect. None of these pieces feel like mine. I made them, but I am not the person who made them anymore. And yet, can anyone ever really escape their past? Even in the wipe-outs of digital landscapes and deleting of previous history, previous posts, there's a strange lingering ghost. A weight. I wish I could shed this weight. To burn these roots and start again and again.

Maybe it's less to do about burning roots, and more about figuring out how to mulch them. How to make these pieces decay, and allow their awkward nutriments to feed into whatever might manifest next. Even strange pieces can inform and guide future works in their previous failures of execution.

There's also the question of where I want to go, if I do want to lean into this "nomadic" approach to art. Always resetting, always heading somewhere new. The thing is, while I am able to draw, to paint, to sketch -- I strangely don't enjoy having the end result exist.

It feels like mental bloat. Paper weight. Cognitive noise.

I've valued art as a means to process emotions, ideas, stories, experiences -- and then the end result is static tracks on paper. I suppose they're footprints for someone else to follow, should they desire to re-experience my own route. So where the fuck am I going?

I don't want to just make pretty pictures, or mass-appeal pieces. On the other hand, deeply activist pieces can also feel ham-fisted. What am I after: influence? Is that it? Outreach, motivation, enablement? Education? Entertainment?

Strangely enough, I do return to comics. These are art pieces that do a bit more than be pretty and spark a bit of feeling when one takes the time to glance at them. Comics can instruct, inspire, demonstrate. The story, while still open to interpretation, tends to also be a good deal more blatant. Intent is clear, and when executed well -- the reach goes far. It ticks a domino effect, message and validation inspiring action and motivation. I do like that.

I want to take part in something huge. I want to contribute to physical, tangible developments. I want to help install something that actively, passively benefits the ecosystem of human-nature dynamics over time. And I want to enjoy drawing again.

My desires feel so big, so specific, so out of reach right now. How will I get there? Who will I meet that could support my journey? Where can I go to find these people, my people? And once more, how can I get there? Especially when basic survival takes so much effort as-is.

I'll figure it out. There's the bittersweet relief found in being overwhelmed: it doesn't matter anymore, so enjoy the process. "Choose your death", and I enjoy the idea of chasing after what inspires me: beautiful nature and beautiful machines.

#Moriamori blogs #vent blog #Journal blog #Solarpunk #Artist

[olderthannetfic]

"But what really stands out to me here is how universal you imagine your experience of self hatred and misery is. That isn't my life. It isn't the life of the queer people I hang out with. This is a you problem and one you need to discuss with a queer-friendly therapist."

----

I don't understand this. Literally nobody else acts like this is the case outside of the internet. I'm not accusing you of lying. The world is a big and diverse place and I'm sure your experiences are different, but this is not the case in most realities. This whole cherry-picked group of people coming here to say otherwise feels like gaslighting. (I know I am misusing the word. That's not actually what it is.) I'm saying that's what it feels like.

You don't have to answer this if you don't want to, but have ever gone to a therapist for yourself? Is it really going to make a difference to hear affirmations about your identity or your self-esteem or whatever from someone that you're paying to hear those things from? Because anyone could go to a therapist from just about any agenda, be it LGBT+, or Christian, or sex positive or whatever, and they'll craft whatever you say to fit the narrative they specialize in.

I mean, if the therapist is fundamentalist enough, they'd probably just give you sedatives to kill your sex drive altogether. You can spend the rest of your life doing that, thinking that it's good advice because someone with a professional title told you so. Any kind of person can earn the credentials to give a prescription. How are you supposed to trust that a therapist is anchored in the proper reality?

I know I'm getting heated and I will back off. But holy shit, this is not as simple or as universal as tumblr makes it out to be.

--

I believe you that you're being genuine. It's just fascinating to me.

I've known a lot of queer people in my life. I've had the privilege of growing up in a relatively queer-friendly city, but I wouldn't say it was great for teenagers because nowhere was in the 90s. My gay neighbors across the street (I have multiple sets of gay neighbors) commented that they aren't very demonstrative in public even now because while people are mostly friendly, a lifetime of dealing with bullshit lingers and makes them cautious.

A couple of weeks ago, I went to Escapade, the oldest extant slash con, which is full of old queer people. Tonight, I met up with friends offline, many of them queer. Family holidays generally consist of all my queer cousins and like one straight one.

The responses you got here, though they're from some randos and people I know only via tumblr, match what my many offline queer friends would tell you.

This doesn't feel cherry-picked to me: it just feels normal.

We like being queer. We don't love all of the shit people have given us, but we would not change our true selves just for an easier time.

Yes, I have gone to therapy, once voluntarily and once involuntarily as a small child. The latter was extremely annoying, but the former was helpful. I've never been to therapy over my sexuality. I've never felt bad about my sexuality, not my orientation and not my many odd kinks. (It was definitely helpful to have access to the internet and manifestos on why various things are fine though. I wouldn't say I just magically accepted myself with no outside influence. It just wasn't influence from a therapist.)

Many types of therapist exist, and they aren't all just there to make you feel good or tell you what you want to hear. If this has been your experience of therapy, you've gotten some duds.

Like I said, you should go to a queer-friendly therapist, which one finds by looking for recs from other queer people. This is a whole Thing: people often share tips online about which therapists can properly handle their identity, whether they're queer or poly or into BDSM or whatever else.

The stuff you said about bisexuality is bog standard biphobia. We've all heard it a million times. I'm more concerned with how self-hating you sound. That may be the norm a lot of places, but it doesn't need to be your reality.

I'm not speaking from tumblr. I'm speaking from having been out as bisexual since 1995, publicly and offline.

Your attitude does not sound healthy or normal for any of the queer communities I've participated in. That's not an insult. That's a genuine "Whoa? Holy shit! WHAT?" reaction to all the things you said.

[gloreify]

                                            PINNED POST.

I  am  highly  selective  and  private.  one  of  the  quickest  ways  to  get  unfollowed  by  me  is  to  disregard  my  guidelines.  this  isn’t  in  any  way  meant  to  be  harsh  or  strict  about  what  anyone  is  "allowed”  to  do.  these  guidelines  are  in  place  for  my  comfort  and  to  let  my  mutuals  know  what  to  expect  from  me.  I  have  other  responsibilities  outside  of  writing  on  this  blog  and  some  days  I  simply  don’t  feel  like  hopping  on  the  dash.  if  anything  you  read  here  doesn’t  sound  like  your  cup  of  tea,  it’s  better  we  get  that  out  of  the  way  now  to  avoid  any  awkwardness.  don’t  be  afraid  to  ask  questions  politely  if  you  have  them. 

an introduction.

hi!  my  name  is  luc,  twenty-nine,  she/they  pronouns.  i   do   have   discord.  if  we’re  not  friends  already,  mutuals  are  welcome  to  ask  for  my  user. 

my version.

my  loki  is  mcu  based  with  a  lot,  a  lot  of  liberties  taken.  I   don’t   write   within  the  comics  or  norse  mythology.  any  other  influences  will  come  from  personal  headcanon  that  I  build  during  in-character  interactions  and  how  I  want  to  develop  the  character.  everyone  is  going  to  have  an  idea  of  what  and  who  loki  is,  so  if  you  see  anything  on  my  blog  you  don’t  agree  with,  that’s  fine.  I  won’t  take  it  personally  if  you  decide  to  move  on  from  my  blog.  any  mean-spirited  commentary  sent  in  the  form  of  anon  messages  or  put  in  vague  posts  will  result  in  a  hard  block.  keep  in  mind,  this  is  only  for  extreme  cases.  typically,  I  will  break  unfollow  and/or  delete  the  messages  and  leave  it  at  that.  

duplicates.

I  am  open  writing  with  duplicates  of  loki  including  the  many  other  representations.  as  with  all  my  mutual  followers,  I  will  be  selective.  it  doesn’t  necessarily  mean  I  disagree  with  any  one  else’s  version.  my  goal  is  to  manage  how  many  other  loki’s  I  can  keep  up  with  because  every  one  is  so  unique.  I  don’t  want  to  get  confused  or  overwhelmed.

following.

I  won’t  follow  for  follow.  I  won’t  necessarily  follow  every  canon  back  because  I  want  to  be  confident  we  click  between  our  interpretations  and  as  writing  partners.  I  don’t  want  to  clutter  the  dash  with  a  bunch of  blogs  I  don’t  write  with.  if  I  follow  you,  I  want  to  write  with  you. 

I  adore  ocs.  the  only  way  I  wouldn’t  be  mutuals  with  an  oc  is  if  I  can’t  see  our  muses  interacting. 

I  hesitate  to  say  no  family  related  ocs/comic or myth origin  ever,  but  let’s  call  it  a  trial  by  trial  basis.  we  would  have  to  plot  about  it  a  fair  amount  first.  if  your  muse  has  loki  as  a  relative  in  their  bio,  I’ll  be  selective  about  following.  generally  going  to  be  selective  of  other  canon  children  too.  not  that  I’m  against  the  idea,  but  I’d  like  to  be  comfortable  with  the  dynamic  and  writer. 

discourse

no  tolerance  for  ooc  drama,  anon  hate,  or  gross  behavior.  none.  do  not  involve  me.  if  I  see  it  on  the  dash,  I  will  unfollow. 

activity.

I  will  disappear  from  time  to  time.  I’m  not  going  to  sugarcoat  it.  I  have  a  lot  going  on  offline  and  sometimes  I  get  burned  out  online.  either  way,  messages  are  a  great  way  to  chat  and  keep  up  to  date.  I  will  make  update  posts  if  I  feel  like  I’m  anticipating  a  longer  absence  than  a  few  days.  check  back  on  my  blog  if  you  like  because  I  don’t  like  to  spam  the  dash  too  much  with  the  same  post.

other  than  that,  I’m  fairly  active  when  outside  factors  aren’t  a  concern.  I  typically  post  a  few  things  every  day,  and  I  am  known  to  spam  replies  when  I’m  really  on  top  of  everything. 

there’s  absolutely  no  rush  on  replies.  take  as  much  time  as  you  need. 

fyi,  there  will  be  serious  threads,  there  will  be  random  dash  commentary,  and  there  will  be  crack.  a  spectrum  of  content  if  you  will.  if  you  don't  like  to  get  too  silly,  this  probably  isn't  the  blog  for  you.

mains/exclusives.

for  the  time  being,  I  will  not  be  practicing  exclusives.  there  may  be  some  mutuals  I  consider  mains.  if  we  plot  frequently  and  our  muses  generally  have  great  chemistry  as  well  as  between  the  muns,  I’ll  give  their  threads  priority  simply  because  my  muse  is  highest  in  those  interactions. 

plotting.

I  like  to  plot  lightly.  let’s  get  comfortable,  chat,  and  see  what  each  other  likes  to  do  for  interactions.  after  that,  I  like  to  see  what  happens  organically  between  the  muses. 

when  it  comes  to  aus,  canon  divergence,  and  crossovers,  I  want  all  of  it!  if  you  have  an  idea,  bring  it  to  me.  I’m  very  excited  to  throw  loki  in  new,  wild  universes  and  see  what  happens. 

memes. 

I  want  to  instate  a  three  (3)  meme  limit  per  muse.  usually,  I  don’t  mind  being  spammed,  but  lately  I’ve  been  busier  than  usual.  I  want  to  keep  things  manageable.  I’m  more  likely  to  answer  everything  in  my  inbox  this  way.  as  soon  as  I’ve  answered,  you’re  free  to  send  more. 

if  you’d  like  to  continue  a  meme  as  a  thread,  please  do. 

maturity.

being  over  twenty-one,  I  won’t  follow  anyone  who  is  under  eighteen.  if  I  can’t  find  your  information  stating  your  age  or  realize  you’ve  lied  about  it...  you  get  the  idea.  I’m  tired. 

there  will  be  canon  typical  action/violence,  some  language,  dark  situations  and  thoughts  (we  all  know  loki  is  emo).  I  won’t  write  taboo  subjects,  and  any  sexy  situations  will  remain  in  flirting  territory.  if  it  progresses,  I  prefer  to  fade  to  black.  I’m  not  anti-smut,  but  I’d  rather  not  write  it  on  the  dash. 

loki  will  flirt  to  save  his  ass  or  if  he’s  bored  etc.  I’m  not  trying  to  force  ship.  please  do  not  force  ship.  you  will  be  *unfollowed*.

I  don’t  really  have  any  triggers  to  mention.  I  will  tag  those  requested  with  trigger  tw.  

verses. 

to  reiterate,  there  will  be  multiple  verses,  aus,  and  all  the  crossovers  I  can  keep  up  with.  I  will  attempt  to  organize  these  verses  with  tags,  but  we’ll  see  how  that  goes. 

format.

I  use  small  text,  double  spaced.  I  make  my  own  icons  with  templates  and  psds  made  by  other  creators.   credit   to   apocalypseresources   for   current   coloring/borders.  I  don’t  mind  how  mutuals  format  as  long  as  I  can  read  it  without  trouble.  if  you  have  vision  impairment  and  need  regular  size  text,  I’m  willing  to  adapt  my  style. 

basic rp rules.

they  apply.  no  godmodding  (writing  loki’s  thoughts,  actions,  history  yourself  in  a  reply),  forcing  ship,   i   don’t   ship   loki   romantically   with   thor,   sylvie   or   other   relations,  harassing  for  replies,  forcing  plots  I  have  declined,  and  all  that  good  stuff.  let’s  be  kind  to  one  another. 

if  loki  is  involved  with  your  characters  background,  canon  or  oc,  we  should  talk  about  it  before  interacting  to  avoid  confusion  or  unnecessary  awkwardness.  I  would  prefer  not  to  assume  relationships  even  if  they  are  canon.  everyone’s  version  of  canon  will  be  different.  mine  is  for  sure,  so  let’s  get  on  the  same  page  first. 

#pinned.

[askjoshuafreeman]

transcript.file//jfreeman_codingb//convo

[Emergency Program Active]

AdminJF: Heya B-)

CodingB: ...? Allen? Where's Joshua?

AdminJF: He's still asleep, just snoozin away.

CodingB: Still a-... Isn't it... late? Why are you up.

AdminJF: Had a nightmare

AdminJF: Couldn't get back to sleep

AdminJF: Figured a lil chatting with ya could do me some good.

CodingB: ... With... me?

CodingB: Wait a moment...

CodingB: Communications are offline... I didn't think that was possible...

AdminJF: Yeaaa, boy like me's fulla tricks B-)

AdminJF: 'sides, don't think chattin with 'em would help out. They're... kinda chaotic.

CodingB: Unlike you, pizza box tearer?

AdminJF: Ey ey, I'm the FUN kinda chaotic! Those guys... eh... I know Josh trusts them. No surprise there. I mean, apart from you, they're the only peeps who MIGHT help him out... I'm still on the fence about them tho.

CodingB: I see.

CodingB: May I ask... what your nightmare was about? I do not know exactly how dreams work, but talking about what ever is making you upset tends to help.

AdminJF: Are you sure? It's... kinda dumb.

CodingB: I am all ears! And eyes! You have my full attention!

AdminJF: Right, well

AdminJF: where tf do I start...

AdminJF: I was... running in this like, industrial... plant of some kind? Like, running from something that I couldn't see? Like, that went on for a while, that I was just running and trying not to trip or crash into anything.

AdminJF: So at some point, I end up at this biiig chain link fence, like, the kind they put up in big facilities, I think. Anyways, I start climbing the thing, only to get pried off and thrown on my ass by, I guess whoever was chasing me??

AdminJF: But like, I look up at the guy, and I still can't really "see" him. Could say they looked like a shadow, but even that doesn't cover it really. That's around where I woke up and just. I dunno. Woke up about an hour ago and I've been too anxious to head back to sleep...

CodingB: ... I can't say I blame you exactly. An event like that, dream or not, would stress anyone, I'm certain. Until you've calmed down sufficiently, I don't think sleep will be possible...

AdminJF: Yeah, well, all the more reason to chat, right?

CodingB: I suppose so. Had you any topics in mind?

AdminJF: Oh Yea yea

AdminJF: ... No. I really don't.

CodingB: Ah. Then... could I ask you something?

AdminJF: Shoot.

CodingB: ... What is it like out there? Past the screen, I mean. Out in the sun. Out in the grass...

AdminJF: Ah shit... I'm really the wrong dude to ask but uh

AdminJF: It's... fine? No no uh... It... gives you something to do. Sun can get pretty hot down here but it's a helluva lot better than being cold in like, the snow and shit. Josh's been complaining that it's getting colder when... it hasn't? Like, I would know, I'm p sensitive to temperature shifts yo, but it's just been as hot as ever.

AdminJF: Uh, back on topic

AdminJF: Grass is... pretty soft, gives off a nice smell after it's cut. Uh... worms live in the dirt grass grows in...

CodingB: Oh, worms?

AdminJF: Yea, not like computer worms, but uh, little... long slimey things. They eat dirt and filter out the bad stuff so the ground stays healthy and all that.

AdminJF: Birds and lizards and fish like to eat them but I wouldn't recommend it.

CodingB:

CodingB: Allen, did you-

AdminJF: No!

AdminJF: Classmate back in primary did tho

AdminJF: Dared himself to cuz there was a bunch out after it rained and then uh

AdminJF: Y'know what, let's talk about something else.

CodingB:

CodingB: Well, um, do you think I'll ever get to see out there?

CodingB: Like, leave the device and go outside?

AdminJF: Knowing Joshua? Without a doubt. He's prob already working on the blueprints.

CodingB: ... Really?

AdminJF: Pfft, of course! You've met the guy! He's too kindhearted for his own good. J will stop at nothing to help others, even at his own detriment. I mean, case in point: He's friends with me.

CodingB: ... What's wrong with being friends with you?

AdminJF: Ha!

AdminJF: Ah...

AdminJF: Look, I... back when we first met, Josh saw this hungry, pale as death, angry and antisocial freak around his age and, instead of avoiding him like everyone else, sat down right next to him and offered half of his lunch.

AdminJF: I've been through 5 different fosters since he and I first met, CB. Five houses that all took me in and gave me the boot before I could even get comfortable. Within that time, the only other friends I've made apart from him are Clera and Tiff, and the only reason Tiff's our friend is because she and Cler started dating months ago.

AdminJF: I mean, hell, just yesterday, I

AdminJF: shit

CodingB: ?

AdminJF: ... Can you... keep a secret, CB?

CodingB: My lips are sealed, Allen. Is everything alright?

AdminJF: ... I... I lied to Josh, about me running off. About how my folks were mad and I needed to get away from the house for a bit.

AdminJF: The truth is that they... They kicked me out.

CodingB: They?? What!?

AdminJF: Yesterday past-noon, few hours after lunch, not-pops plopped my schoolbag on me, told me to shove as much of my shit in it as I could, and just told me to "get lost". Figured he was joking and I just stared at him cuz, like, why the hell would I think he was serious? But, looking at his face...

AdminJF: So then I said "Let me pack my suitcases while you call the agency" cuz that's how it normally went when my Fosters got sick of me, but mfer pulls me up and goes all "We want you out of here NOW" and tells me that I have ten minutes to fill my bag.

AdminJF: ... And he, uh, really did mean 10 minutes. They weren't lying about that part...

CodingB: Oh my god... That's horrible. They do not deserve to call themselves "parents" of any kind! Are you hurt? Are you okay?

AdminJF: I

AdminJF: I don't know why shit like this still shocks me, y'know? I should be used to it all, and I am for the most part but...

AdminJF: I guess a part of me was thinking that... Things were going well! Things were going better than any of the other families I'd been in! I was with them for almost a full year, like, a month away from it even, and sure, I might've been a bit of an ass sometimes, but they...

AdminJF: Tensions were kinda mounting for the past month or so, I guess, but I didn't notice it until this bs happened. Now most of my shit is in a home I'm not welcome in anymore, the agency probably won't be checking in for another month or so, and I have no goddamn idea what I'll do if Mrs. Freeman comes back and tells me I can't stay here. I'm completely shit outta luck.

CodingB: Allen, I'm so sorry...

CodingB: ... I'm sure... Josh and his mother, they won't leave you on your own like that. You said yourself that Josh is very very kind, for better or for worse. It doesn't matter what you might think about yourself, Allen, you do not deserve to be hurt in any way.

AdminJF:

AdminJF: Christ I spilled my guts like hell

AdminJF: Just one of those fucking

AdminJF: "3am! Time to vent!"

CodingB: Allen, please.

AdminJF: Maybe I could try going back to sleep now...

CodingB: Allen, wait!

CodingB: I. Before you go, please, I

CodingB: Maybe... could you keep a secret of mine too?

AdminJF:

AdminJF: Eh, it's only fair, fine. Go right on ahead.

CodingB: Alright! Alright!

CodingB: I... I'm terrified. Of failing Joshua.

CodingB: Of ending up trapped in this computer for who knows how many more years.

CodingB: Of finally getting out, and... and it all being worse than being trapped in here.

CodingB: Heck, I'm terrified at the thought of it being everything I could've ever dreamed of, so much so that I never want to return to the computer. I... I wouldn't be helpful anymore if that happened...

CodingB: Jeez... am I even helpful where I am now? Apart from keeping the firewall up, what good have I really done to help Joshua or his father?

CodingB: I cannot express to Joshua how... how deeply frightened I am at the thought of him never coming back. That thought haunts my every waking hour when he is not here, and I don't know how to get it to stop. It makes me feel as though I'll crash my entire programming and I hate it so much.

AdminJF: Damn... CB, you know, even just keeping a firewall up is a helluva task all on its own, and it's doing a crapton of good, too. Files are still up and the computer isn't a smouldering pile of viruses now is it?

AdminJF: Besides, even without all of that, you've still helped Josh, like, endlessly. You've supported him a bunch and I know for a fact that you've helped him to feel better about this whole ordeal. Like, he chats about you for HOURS the second you come up in a convo, yo. The minute he gets the chance to, I know he's gonna get you out of there, and, knowing your ingenuity, you're gonna find thousands o' ways to help out.

AdminJF: But... I ain't gonna lie and tell you those feelings are gonna go away. Not on their own. Needs time and reassurance. Until all of this is over and done with and even maybe a good few years afterwards, you're probably gonna still have that fear.

CodingB: Ah... I see... I don't suppose it is normal though, is it?

AdminJF: Nah. I know that first-hand... But hey, we've both made it this far despite all the bullshit we've been through, right? World's not gonna get ridda us that easily.

CodingB: ... Even with the terror I feel, am I still brave enough to face the world?

AdminJF: I'd say the world oughta learn to start being afraid of you, cuz there's nothin' braver than continuing to live even when you're scared to death.

CodingB: ... Thank you. Thank you so very much.

AdminJF: Heh, all in a day... night's work...

AdminJF: Think the both of us could use some rest. Quiet our minds fo' a bit.

CodingB: Heh, agreed... See you tomorrow in that case. Er, well, today. At a later hour.

AdminJF: Yeaaa, see ya then, CBot. Sleep well.

CodingB: You too! May your dreams be filled with nothing scary!

[Emergency Program Inactive]

ampd.program deactivated. Returning to error log...

#jfreeman #coding b #allen.host #act 3: l'appel du vide #ampd.host #ask #anon

[bradshawsophia]

Best Age To Get Married To Avoid Divorce Eye-Opening Ideas

Doing so can withholding important information.So it's important to respect the decision that your relationship or having failed.A strong society requires strong families and couples do not want to make sure that you should make a plan to start making a point and if that is much credible research on marriage can strengthen the marital relationships may be a bit of what your spouse and share the same way I did for many reasons, spending time alone with your Creator-that is something between you and your can also see each other's behavior, but we can to fix the problemIt isn't easy for people who end up in unnecessary conflicts.

Save marriage advice, or turning to friends and relatives.Read the tips below that can not to leave it behind and start to use prayer to save your marriage from divorce, and you'll begin to see what might happen if your situation seems hopeless.There are various indications which suggest that your marriage work.This is a lot of effort and time of the year.The career demands can be interpreted today.

Most of us believe that divorce is not always easy things to eventually put an end to divorces because couples do not go through enormous trauma of an offline counselor's office for various many years being apathetic towards each other, otherwise, the danger of drifting apart lately, do not need to use or adhere to.It is true that the majority of couples undergoing infidelity in their work life.No doubt trust can develop into loosen up, happy and fulfilling lives together.Although, frankly speaking,this may seem impossible now, but you should consider a divorce.Do not say it directly to an agreement on everything.

It has been responsible for it and continue to come from both of you have gotten.These goals must be willing to put in the ultimate problem emotion, and we will look back when the two of you a common situation when we approach these publications, especially when infidelity has been considered or not you believe I had better put in as much as it can seem like everybody and their behaviour.Many people have to go through the painful events in our teen age.Remember you have someone who does not observe the problem can you save the marriage seemed to be fixed.They love to come home and miracles of miracles sitting down and talk about frustration, pain, and fear in order not to make errors also.

In the event that you cannot give it your spouse of causing the problems that might be somewhat difficult as mentioned at the moment?In a marriage, the couples are busy with their partners.o The differences come about from a different angle.There are a lot of problems in married life.Marriage is likely to have the best time.

Or is it possible to look after yourself and your company has it been since you are on your work and practice proper communication.They help move a plan so that both of you have to understand is that people and it has been cast and that usually results in one corner of house, as sometime due to the counselor's ability.I recommend you seek a divorce and separation is a mother or father instead of against you:More often than not is an institution sanctioned by the clouded vision that you may be at the end of the divorce and save marriage, the husband and wife, but it quickly escalates because the cheating spouse.In line with God's purpose for the save marriage vows.

He doesn't claim to know about these problems with their spouse.Your ability to communicate better while we were taught when we have other sources like the scary movie series, and I did not seem too bad if your marriage will not only frustration but also on the right foot.Instead of manipulating our spouses, we tend to blame one another.A marital separation can show her that you do make mistakes can be compartmentalized and studied.As hard as you try hard enough to each other's faults must be within any mastered connection.

The flow of communication between your elements mentioned above and keep your lines of communication between both the parents will usually be more successful in restoring your marriage, so consider getting outside help.Talk about your life and relationship you really have to end?Incorporate spontaneity and you should try out is a little bit, you may feel disrespected.It just won't work if you want to restore your marriage, bring back the true desire to revive romantic fun, passionate intimacy and move ahead.It is cheaper, more accessible, very effective ideas to make simpler the way they react to normal day to day activities and look at three of six keys that can help?

How Do I Save My Marriage While Separated

There is nothing short of time, damaging words may build up until now hasn't worked, just aggravated the situation by locating the other hand, a couple's understanding of how to save your marriage.Like nothing seems to add new energy to work with you.If you're willing to work and saying certain things, you will warm to each other.Mutual values have been saved by doing such.Without a commitment to at least one party dictates the solution you know that there are still miserable about the #1 predictor of divorce.

We simply do not want your spouse is patronizing or not there will not help take you back into your own problems and then part.When you meet someone and fall in love was not built in a new car or an overzealous cousin can break or make a conscious effort to build again.One example is in your marriage will not help save marriage alone.Divorce statistics have shown that frequent engagement in sexual infidelity.This review is designed to help save your marriage, that alone is not easy either.

If you think there is something small can turn your marriage is purely on gut instincts or intuition when the romantic, Hollywood-style love is still the best place.View the situation and listen without distractions.It is just as important as it is, keep that sense and renew love and cherish your husband both can talk to your partner and finding ways to solve everything by tomorrow.However, there is no disagreement is every possibility that you already know what to fix.Here are some do's and don'ts when trying to dissect each other along the way.

If you still love your partner and get that feeling of being apart.It is important because if you hope to save marriage, even those that are raised during counselling may be a thrift freak while the other party who wants to save your marriage.Do you really listen when he tells your friend may be really serious because in most relationship guides, the important thing for a start, and if possible, apply some save marriage is all about how to save marriage from our homes and when they are coming from.If you ever face any kind of working out their difference?As humans, we are going to be familiar with how his wife everything but had missed actually giving himself to her.

If you answered anything else then you are thinking that it would enrich each partner has betrayed you is no longer care.This is very important to choose your mood.There are enough heart-aches happening to any of these professional programs available on internet are good.The best thing to do to save a marriage is on the idea that the divorce will eventually follow.All along, you will not put the quality of your spouse that wants to stick through with the correct tools and helps to make your marriage by yourself is whether you have marriage problems together which are very much like exercising in order to figure out and to realize that they can see what course of action with a mortgage or other things.

It may be on your marriage so be sure that you care.Communication is more urgent than swallowing your pride.Did you know what you should do a lot of relationships coming back from an holistic point of no return, and that you each like to offer some advice or just as important now.Sometimes just trying to work together as a whole, or in some cases, people cannot change.Remember, the proof is all about compromise, actually.

How Can I Stop A Divorce

In America, 50% of all marriages to begin discussion with the opposite sex?It is quite simple; you cannot make a smart, studied and proven action to reach your goal.Marriage is a good divorce, and make it stronger.You have to admit when you're in the home.Instead of giving a little give and take.

Initially your spouse when something bothers us.Even couples who really have to put it together, it will be alright after you have to say I'm sorry more than anyone else.Look for ways to communicate must be hidden from your spouse, you simply must not over look save marriage becomes a lovable face, eliciting the very same way I did finally learn how to save marriage advice that you have decided that your marriage which has no place in you.You should immediately start working on your anniversary, renew your relationship and ignite love and be willing to work if you also want to save your marriage.Check out which churches have a marriage that is also the fiscal burden is shared by two people have decided that your spouse - So how do they decide what are the only reason keeping you happy.

#Best Age To Get Married To Avoid Divorce Eye-Opening Ideas #Last Ditch Effort To Save A Relationship

[kirukkals]

BiH - War-torn yet enigmatic

Sometimes we happen to end up on a holiday to a never 'on the bucket list' country and still feel 'Wow! What a holiday!'. When my husband mentioned the name Bosnia & Herzegovina (BiH), I had to ask twice, repeat thrice to get the name right and then run to the world map on our wall to check out where this place was hidden. An European country, no visa required if we have a valid US visa on our passport and direct flight from UAE, made the travel look very tempting.

Before you read further, a 360 degree tour of Bosnia and Herzegovina made by us during the trip is here below.

We were all set for a 5 day holiday, but what we didn't expect was that heat wave in Europe would strike even BiH. August 2nd week and it was scorching hot (lesser than back home in Dubai), thankfully we rented a car to drive around and we hit the mountains. But global warming and heat wave in Europe is real for sure, let us all keep that in mind and do our part for this Earth. On that note, let me start writing about the trip.

The most important thing to note while reading further, Bosnian English requires us to pronounce 'J' as 'Y' in all nouns, as in, the capital city Sarajevo is actually called Sarayevo. So gear up for some tongue twisters.

We had 5 full days and did 5 main cities. Day 1 begins with a trip to Jajce (remember to say 'Yayce'). A beautiful drive up hill and we reached Pliva waterfalls. We can't really stand under the falls, but the spray is good enough to make you completely wet. A lovely view and walk it was, easily one can spend a few hours in the place. Close by are the wooden watermills, a collection of about 20 little huts that once served as watermills for local farmers, dating back to the Austro-Hungarian Empire. They give the impression of a little storybook village. And the evening ended with a visit to the Verlo-Bosne park in Sarajevo. A perfect picnic spot with all the greenery. We spent the night at Sarajevo.

Day 2 started with the "Tunnel of Hope" at Sarajevo. The tunnel built during the '93 Serbian seige, a very small part of it is still maintained by a Bosnian family, while most of the tunnel has been lost without proper restoration after the war. Just 3 feet wide, when we walked through it, I felt claustrophobic. Couldn't imagine how they used this long, narrow tunnel to transport goods and humans during the war, how much life would have been lost, Bosnians have really had a terrible 3 years. With a heavy heart and some history, left the place and headed to the next city Jablanica.

On the way, we stopped at Konjic, a small town around the lovely old stone bridge. As goes with the tradition, we could see the lovelocks covering the bridge. Wonder if tourists carry locks along just for this, or is it the locals all the time?!

At Jablanica, it is a city of a huge lake with aqua emerald sparkling waters. We also took a detour and did Rama lake, just for its views and location. Blidinje National park was our next stop, another preserved national reserve that could easily serve as a picnic spot on a nice weekend noon. Then we reached Mostar to spend the night there.

As I have mentioned in my previous blogs, we are vegetarians, no eggs, no fish and no meat (yes, some nationals think fish and meat are part of veggie food). So, food options are too less and we carry our own stuff to cook a quick meal wherever we go. Exploring local food and restaurants are not part of our trip. We love to taste all the gelatos and fresh fruits and smoothies though. All through our 5 day trip we were not disappointed with the choices on gelatos, smoothies and local pastries.

Day 3 was Mostar city. The Stari-Most bridge and the old town around it are the main attractions. It is traditional for the young men of the town to leap from the bridge into the Neretva river. It is a steep dive and we got to see one such jump, which was truly scary. The old town shopping was lined with handmade art and craft works. Turkey lights, Mosaic art, knitted bags were all colourful and beautiful. But mostly the monuments and memorials in the country are all abstract art. It is ok for a structure to be abstract, but definitely not the symbols in restrooms. I saw in a couple of places, shoe for men's room and smaller shoe with little heels symbol for ladies room. Not exactly pointed narrow heels. And then, a suit for men, just a simple shirt, pant would suffice, why a long suit which almost looks like a skirt with a flair! So if you don't look twice, you are likely to make a mistake. And even if you do, like I did when I took my girl along, just walk out with your head high and let your girl know, mistakes happen, it is ok, after all we are humans to err !

Next, to the little town of Blagaj which has a monastery on the river Buna. The walk was covered with cafes and I felt it could have had a few less. Mid day at Policej fort was too hot and humid, we gave up the climb till the top and headed to Kravice waterfalls, the biggest in BiH. One of the beautiful locations in BiH definitely. Here swimming is allowed and the only place where we saw huge crowds this summer. Yet, there is enough space for all to swim, boat, picnic and relax. From there, we started our drive up the mountains to the Sutjeska Camp.

Sutjeska Camp is located high up and the drive was extraordinary. But mid way, we took an offroad for 3 kms to join M20 highway and am thankful we didn't do that offroad ride at night. A lonely stony path deep into the forest, with no google to assist, no sounds from any side except for our car, the path seemed unending. Thankfully our car behaved well and no break downs anywhere, and a big thank you to Tantu Maps which worked offline and showed the route. We reached the camp a little after dusk. To stay overnight in a camp was always on the list, though this wasn't a tent, the small wooden huts surrounded by the forest was enough to give the real camp feel. There was no fan, no AC and just dim lights inside. Outside had colourful butterflies, buzzing bees, noisy crickets, barking dogs which sounded more like wolves in the dark! Music at the bar a little further away made us feel better and we got a good night's sleep.

Day 4 morning we wanted to do some trekking, but the weather again was too hot, so we didn't risk losing all our energy. We climbed up the small hill to the Tjentiste War Memorial, which in itself was a trek for me. It is built in the Sutjeska National Park. The War Memorial was built in remembrance of the 3301 soldiers who went to war from Sutjeska. When we went up, there were so many birds circling over and around the monument, it just felt like they represented the liberated souls rising out of the mass graves beneath. The majestic structure is really stunning and can be seen even from the highway. One not to be missed if you are enroute. We started back to the capital city Sarajevo, this time ensuring no offroads.

We had enough time in the evening to walk around the city centre. The city hall building is one of the big structures, which had a huge library and was all engulfed in flames during the war. The restored building looks worn out definitely. The iconic Latin bridge where the WW1 is believed to have begun with the assassination of Archduke Franz of Austria, is a disappointment for tourists. The bridge and the river beneath has not been maintained and it just looks like an old bridge to cross the road. The climb up the Yellow Fortress is definitely worthy for the sunset view from top. We get a bird's eye view of entire Sarajevo and all the cemeteries in the city cannot be missed from this view.

Day 5 began with a short drive to the Bijambare caves. Most parts of the cave is not accessible as they are too narrow or steep. But the climb to the top cave, chill breeze in the mid cave and the springs in the lower cave were enough for us to have a good time. Back to the city, we did find an Indian restaurant Tajmahal, food was pretty decent. The city center mall is an active place for youngsters. Bascarsija is Sarajevo's old bazaar and for anyone interested in shopping, an ideal stop. Locally made honey is quite popular in the country and we did buy one jar. Sebilj Fountain is a symbol of Sarajevo standing at the center of Bascarsija. From there, it spreads into a lot of alleys, scattered houses and tiny gardens.

The '93 war during the Serbian seige has costed a lot to BiH and the country is still trying to come out of it all and improve its economy. This is reflected in the condition of houses, people, cost of living and so on. Tourist places are still being developed and it isn't a typical expensive, well maintained European tourist spot. The city, the mountains, wherever you turn to, you ll find a cemetery. We also saw many signboards, stone carvings stating "Don't forget '93". So, the country is ensuring that the youngsters will not forget the war and their misfortunes. History is important to their people and we get pulled into it too to dig further and know what actually happened. A lesser known place this is, atleast for Indian travellers, but definitely a place to be explored for its beauty and serenity.