#but i mean . . lets just call it the fuck out bc its Gross Behaviour so lets call it out and work to change it

[pocmuzings]

hello hi , it is g , ur friendly local neighbourhood hindu indian ( as in south asian  ) ! so a few people requested that i just make a guide-esque sorta thing on hindu  indian characters ! im not really good at guides , so instead , these are just little things i’ve noticed or picked up on that could really potentially strengthen the next indian character u ( pretty please ! ) pick up ! 

disclaimer : i am writing this from my perspective and it is NOT definitive , nor do i speak on behalf of all hindu indians  ! i am a 23-year-old bisexual cis female hindu indian , with one older gay brother, and a Train Wreck middle brother . my mother is from new delhi , and my father is from nairobi but has indian heritage ( not sure which part of india bc he’s an Engima ) . i have extended family in india and have visited india about 10-15 times throughout my entire life .

so firstly , im so glad u all are here and want to write more hindu indian characters ! please please do so !  i hope this helps , encourages u , and isnt too confusing !! 

psa : i need everyone to know that this is a very basic ‘ guide ‘ and theres a lot it DOESNT touch on or address bc i didnt want to get too Extensive and Detailed and have people Turn off and not Read it . this is just written in the terms of hopefully helping build  character / be relevant to characters a bit better that ive employed into writing my OWN hindu indian character creations !  but if u have any other questions pls reach out to me or any other indians in the rpc and im sure we’ll try our best to assist u !

FCS: 

one thing i’d really like to say is that its great to see fcs like dev patel  , deepika padukone and avan jogia picked up every now and then in rps , but there’s actually a LOT of other indian fcs you could be and should be using ! the main reason people don’t seem to know them is because they’re not ‘ hollywood ‘ stars per se ( it was a super big deal when pr*yanka broke out of bollywood and into bollywood but we don’t talk about her on this Blog ) . they’re usually bollywood stars and i don’t really see bollywood discussed that much in the rpc ! 

if you’re after MORE indian fcs , i have a tag of indian females here , and indian males here . the fcs on my blogs are also not ALL that exist . there are plenty of other blogs out there that post indian fcs , such as sonamhelps &  bollymusings !!! there’s also some really great faceclaim directories out there that include a LOT of indians with resources !

 unfortunately , i do not know of any trans indians or nonbinary indians but that doesn’t mean they don’t exist . indian cultures and beliefs are still quite Old School and not super progressive . india only just had it’s first wlw mainstream bollywood film released last year . lgbtqia+ issues are NOT really spoken about in india or within indian families at ALL , and if they are - they’re usually dismissed or reacted to Very Very Badly . ( again this isnt definitive and im sure and hopeful that some indians have had GREAT coming out stories and been accepted by their families but this has not been a common thing ive seen or witnessed from my cousins my age , indian friends , myself and my brother who are lgbtqia +  ) 

FOOD : 

we do eat with our hands and we eat like PROS with our hands . we can shovel it so easily and quickly . i don’t know how to describe it but you use the first three fingers of your hand to place the Food there , and then use your thumb to kinda scoop it off and into your mouth . this is NOT unhygienic because indians wash their hands very regularly and most of the time we aren’t actually touching our mouths to our hands ! 

indian food is MADE to be eaten with your hands for the most part . it is literally NOT practical to eat food with a knife and fork . here’s a really great article explaining things more in depth re: indian food and using our hands !

cows are seen as Very holy beings in hindu indian culture , and for that reason - there isn’t a lot of beef being eaten or consumed. sure , some indians DO eat beef but i don’t think its super common, but in my personal experience as a non-beef-eater this results in A LOT of me asking ‘ oh ,  sorry what sauce does that pasta come with ? ‘ ‘ oh those are beef sausages ? sorry i can’t eat them ‘ etc etc . beef is in a LOT of things , and this makes me very very careful and almost pedantic about what i do eat and ask about , food wise  !

indian food is seen as stinky by a majority of white people . it has a very very strong smell as im sure u know , and opening ur lunch box as a little kid to a Curry or Dal ur mum has made u ? one way street to being bullied . i also remember a time a real estate agent continuously told my dad nobody was interested in buying our house bc it smelled too much like curry,  despite my mum not having cooked curry in Weeks ( just say what u Really mean ,  bitch ! )

 indian curry exists but so does dal / daal . this is curry-like dish that is usually made out of lentils . so if ur going to talk about indian food and u know curries and samosas . . pls also bring up dals . and sabji ! ( sabji is usually just boiled vegetables plopped together . a lot of potato usually )

desserts are what we call Indian Sweets  . this is stuff that is usually very VERY sugary and a bit of an accustomed taste . theyre very colourful and LOOK beautiful but even i , for one , can not eat many indian sweets bc they are a Lot of Sweet and Sugar    . examples of indian sweets that u can google  : gulab jamun , burfi , rasgulla , jalebi etc . here’s a great link for more !

give me spiced food or give me death . literally . . put some cumin in . . put some garam masala . . put some chillies . . flavour ur Food for my Indian Taste Buds 

FAMILY : 

if you are the oldest son of an Indian Family . . congratulations . you are now the Head of the family and must carry every weight and burden alone . it is extremely isolating and taxing on you ( my dad is the oldest indian son , and also - so is my eldest brother , obvs ) . there is a LOT that is expected of you to do . you are expected to quite literally run the family and be the ‘ man of the house ‘ by yourself . 

if you are a daughter . . . even BIGGER congratulations ! you are basically a maid to every male or guest who EVER comes over to your house . you must be a Hostess , you must be in the kitchen cooking , serving snacks, bringing tea , and then washing up and basically waiting on Hand and Foot . you will not be included into a lot of dialogue or engaged in a lot of conversation and TRUST ME ! THAT WILL GRIND UR GOD DAMN GEARS IN THE 21ST CENTURY ! 

if you are a boys’ boy ( aka straight and Sporty ) , then congrats ! you get it the easiest : you are the favourite of every social event . the uncles and cousins love talking to you and dude-ing it up with you , and the aunts fawn over you and think you’re the Best Thing since sliced bread . sit back , put your feet up , and expect to be treated like a God. you can do absolutely no wrong . ( my middle brother is this to a T and listen . . he’s been in and out of jail for physical violence and ab*se for over 5 years . and family still FROTH over him . my teeth are gritted to dust thinking of this again ) 

indian aunties are lethal . they gossip like teenage girls . they will find out everything . they will bitch behind your back . they can NOT be trusted .

everyone is ur uncle or aunt, sister or brother . literally everyone . ur cousin ? no. thats ur sister . ur dads friend ? no , thats ur uncle . you will call them as such . EVERYONE is family .  

family is in general a VERY BIG THING in indian culture , too . ‘ what will it Look like to everyone else if we don’t all arrive together ? ‘ my dad usually asks dskjdfjn . it’s all about Looking Right and Standing As A United Front  . that being said , indian family has undying and unwavering loyalty for one another , they just show it in a very Weird way .

FASHION: 

female hindu indian formal  clothes are usually really embroidered to hell and back and this makes them very scratchy , uncomfortable, and HEAVY . you aren’t running anywhere anytime soon in a full blown lehenga or saree 

most ‘ modern ‘ hindu indian women do not wear full Indian Clothes all the time . some do , but usually it’s a lot of wearing a kurti tunic with jeans , or just normal everyday clothing . again , this is going to be different based on which parts of india your character is from , though ! 

usually , older women and married women  wear traditiona hindul indian clothing quite often . i know my mum wore a sari AT HOME everyday when i was growing up, until i was like 13 and took her shopping with me to get something Else to wear . 

bindi’s just stick right onto ur forehead but they do fall off a lot , especially when ur wearing makeup or sweating . again , you don’t need to wear a bindi everyday , unless thats ur preference . i usually only wear them for festivals . ( festivals means indian celebrations , not like . . coachella  ((which u should not be wearing a bindi to , if ur not indian fyi )) )

male formal clothes are usually just literally anything Formal and buttoned up for the most part , and u can get away with that , or you can wear a really nice kurta

indians wear white at funerals , not black  ( not sure if this should go in the fashion section but this entire thing is being organised into a Mess by now anyways ) . you CAN wear black to a funeral of course , but its common to wear white !

DATING ( tw’s for islamaphobia ): 

modern day indian / desi fuck boys exist and my god they are Something Else . hasan minhaj did a really good piece about this and explaining them to a T ( starts at 1:43 )

( THIS IS THE POINT THAT WILL MENTION ISLAMAPHOBIA AND HOMOPHOBIA ! ) basically according to Older  indians , ,  ur dating options  in 2020 go like this ( if ur a cis female like me ) : hindu indian men are god tier , white men are Not Okay But I Guess So Bc We Have To Accept They’re Everywhere , females / being lgbtqia+ is not Taken Seriously , and muslims are literally not even close to being an option or Accepted  . again this isn’t definitive but based on a lot of  indian media i’ve consumed and seen how they portray muslims in general as well as Dating Options , as well as talking to other indians  , both who are older / traditional and hold these ideals , whereas Younger gens generally do NOT hold these ideals  / actively are Against these backwards ideals.   i remember when i was in year 6 and had my first boyfriend . . he was a muslim and my dad FLIPPED the FUCK out  . it’s not even that i was dating someone / young / his only daughter . . it was mainly because i was dating a muslim . again , this is a very OLD SCHOOL and traditional way of thinking and it is NOT CORRECT .  pls don’t take this as a note to be islamaphobic if u write an indian character bc . . thats literally the opposite of what im trying to tell u here . 

yeah arranged marriages are definitely still a thing for us , even now in 2020

YES if u are an unmarried / single indian ( ESPECIALLY if ur a woman ) about to enter ur 30s . . ur in DANGER and u are the black sheep and theres probably something Wrong With You bc why are u still single ?

TRADITIONS / BELIEFS / SUPERSTITIONS :

idk if its just me and my family but we are SUPER superstitious . if you say anything like ‘ he hasnt gotten sick in years !’ immediately , everyone knocks on wood or their head . if you were planning on leaving the house and sneeze ? thats bad luck , stand and wait for five minutes then u can leave . we have a strong belief in drishti , or  alternatively : The Evil Eye  , and making sure we don’t invite it into our lives . a lot of our prayers are about warding drishti away .

the evil eye is kinda Complicated but basically its an ill-wishing upon an unsuspecting person . if somebody is jealous of you or angered by you , they may wish upon you or cast upon you the Evil eye ( or even just glare at u whilst ur not looking and thats Big Bad ) . 

a lot of older indians , like older people in general i guess , are not super progressive or Open . this isnt ALWAYS the case but older indians can be very very stubborn in their beliefs in what is Right and Wrong , Normal and Not Normal 

theres a LOT of hindu indian festivals and events ! tbh too many for me to even keep up with . but without fail at least once a year ill say to ONE of my friends ‘ oh sorry i cant make it . i have an indian Thing on that day ‘ and its usually about a festival , so pls be aware that there are a LOT of indian festivals and if ur writing an indian character , its perfectly understandable and Relatable for them to say they can’t make it to a party or hang out with their friends that night , for that very reason !

the main / most popular ( ? ) festivities  that i personally do celebrate every year without fail are : 

diwali ( the festival of lights , celebrating goddess lakshmi roaming the earth . in my household this is usually turning on literally every single light and lighting candles and fireworks / sparklers and saying some prayers , and eating a formal dinner all together !  )  

holi ( the festival of colours . celebrating victory and love . again personally for me , this was usually celebrated at the temple with all of us Kids running around throwing paint on each other ! ) 

rakhi / raksha bandhan ( a day of sisters celebrating their brothers . you tie a rakhi which is usually a bracelet / holy string around your brothers wrist , feed them some food , pray for their wellbeing and in return they gift you something . in my case, i usually get money from them ) .

navratri  / durga puja ( 9 nights and 10 days of celebrations but tbh u don’t have to do all the days . or i mean . . i don’t . i fast one day from morning to night and then i slide on over to boogie and dance dandiya which is literally the MOST FUN dance ever bc its based off some Historical Fight and u go faster and faster and keep going until ur absolutely SPENT bc u dont wanna lose ur place in the circle )  

there are SO MANY HINDU INDIAN GODS too . and so many prayers to all of them and to just general Life Wellness . chances are that ur character will know at least ONE aarti / gazal / prayer off by heart and have sung it at least 30 times in a monotone voice . the ones i know off by heart bc ive had to sing them 3000 times ? om jai jagdish hare , & the gayatri mantra 

GENERAL LIL THINGS I DIDN’T KNOW HOW TO CATEGORISE ( tw’s for skin whitening , colorism and classism ) :

( THIS IS THE POINT THAT NEEDS A TW FOR SKIN WHITENING AND COLORISM  ) lets hold indians accountable right now : we advertise SKIN LIGHTENING CREAM  . i think they finally stopped that earlier this year / due to BLM ( i’m not entirely sure / could be wrong ) , but thats literally how bad it is , that we would openly advertise and encourage people to literally bleach their skin rather than look darker . 

( THIS IS THE POINT THAT NEEDS A TW FOR COLORISM AND CLASSISM ) colorism is a BIG thing in india and usually linked to class . generally speaking , the people who are Darker Skinned are usually people who work outside / labourers or homeless even , and are therefore seen as lower class / bottom class . the lighter skin you have , the more privileged and advantaged you are bc ur seen as working a Good job out of the sun and having a home . it’s incredibly classist as well as just generally Fucked Up . why am i telling u this ? mainly so u understand the importance of using a dark skinned indian fc vs a light skinned indian fc which i know is hard , bc a lot of darker skinned indians arent in hollywood / have resources , but its still something to Think About .  

i have a long Ethnic name . literally my first name is 10+ letters , which i know doesnt seem that long Necessarily but its also a Super Ethnic name with e’s and and j and n . it Flows and Sounds very clearly different from a christian name . it is VERY important to me that my name be said Correctly because i’ve spent so much time having it said incorrectly or Westernised . i also know a lot of indians my age who ( like me ) have had to dramatically shorten their REAL first name ( which is usually also pretty long . not always , but it is Common ) , to fit their name into white people’s mouths better . please put some thought into ur indian characters name !

not all indians speak hindi ! hindi is one of MANY dialects within india . there is also tamil , urdu  , bengali , punjabi , telugu and SO many more , so pls research which part of india ur character / their family  is from bc hindi won’t always be the default language for them !

not every indian is hindu ! of course ur character doesnt have to be religious at all , bc if im being honest IM barely religious but my FAMILY is and this is smth u should think abt bc religion is a pretty big thing for indians . so even if ur character isnt hindu , they were probably raised with SOME religious beliefs . have a think about which religions they would have been brought up with ! there’s a very large percentage of practicing muslims , sikhs and buddhists too ! and even christianity !

WRITING WISE / CREATING AN INDIAN CHARACTER WISE :

the first step should be to consume indian media ! listen to indian music . watch bollywood movies ! theres SO MANY  out there on everyone’s netflix . if u want some recs , let me know and i can try my best to find smth for u ! if u want smth thats Hollywood-indian . . . Hasan Minhaj is great to watch , especially his episodes on indian culture / politics , and Never Have I Ever on netflix was rlly good / relatable for me personally as an indian growing up in a western society !

i would really really love to see more indian rep in general , but i’d also like to discuss the Stereotypes that ive seen indians portrayed as in mainstream hollywood media :

indian women as soft spoken and subservient beings who are abused by their husbands and have no say in anything 

heterosexuality within indian relationships and indian dating 

indian men as sleazy 

indians in general not being seen as Sexy or Sexual beings with any sex drive at all 

Stumbling , Stuttering , Nerdy awkward messes of men who don’t know how to interact with anybody they find sexually appealing

an indian character that everybody ( usually white ) finds Uncomfortable and Weird and is seen as usually the Butt of the joke .

 i think those mentioned above could be helpful in how to plan your next indian character and think about how to SUBVERT a trope theyre often portrayed as , or create an indian thats not stereotypical !

so what and who SHOULD you write ? 

an indian character who is proudly and openly gay , or bi 

a trans or nonbinary indian ( PLEASE ! ) 

an indian character with really super accepting parents and family 

an aromantic indian 

an indian who is focused on their career first and not their dating life 

a fuckboy / fuckgirl ( honestly . . i’d love to see it )

a indian character who is a party animal 

an outspoken indian female who takes no shit and is strong in every sense of the word

a confident , smooth talking indian businessman who is Sexy and Lusted After ( not in a gross christian grey way but just . i’d love to see indian characters seen as Sexy . not in a fetishy way , either , but just because it’d be a nice change in pace ! )

a character who IS traditional / religious but also very progressive and forward thinking in their beliefs 

honestly just any character that isnt whats mentioned above

#guide #writing help #rph #rpc #islamaphobia tw #colorism tw #classism tw #idk if this is any good and i was very uncomfortable putting in the part abt how a lot of older indians feel abt muslims #but i mean . . lets just call it the fuck out bc its Gross Behaviour so lets call it out and work to change it #anyways every trigger is tagged super clearly in every point that talks abt it #i kept those parts Brief and as Direct and Honest as possible #pls let me know if u need me to tag anything #and lastly . . . pls write indian characters !!!!

[mello-jello]

hi jello!! what about post timeskip levihan? commander hanji is working very hard and rarely, rarely sleeps (let alone eats and bathes properly. its worse than before now though.).

what if one time levi discovers hanji passed tf out due to sheer exhaustion in the most weird and random of places. he doesn’t want to wake them up bc hanji def needs the rest so he carries/tucks her into bed.🥺❤️

JAZZY thank you for the prompt! I kind of combined it with this one too:

Thank you, Anon!

Preview:

Hange gave a small laugh before saying, “Thank you Levi, I feel much better now.”

“Tch, you haven’t even done what we came here to do,” Levi scoffed.

Hange made a confused sound.

“Drop the dish.”

It had been 3 years since Shiganshina. Levi climbed into the carriage and sat across from Hange, who was still reading through her notes from the long and grueling meeting that lasted for the better part of the day. All the highest ranking military officials had been called to the capital to discuss Paradis’s best course of action. Queen historia was there, along with her staff, advisors, and of course Zackley. Levi had been to plenty of these meetings before, but this time was different in a bit of a distressing way.

Over the years, Levi had watched Erwin defend the scouts countless times. From questionable means of gathering information, to explaining away hundreds of lives lost, he always had an answer for everything and he always managed to leave with a favourable image. It was something Levi truly admired and even envied about Erwin.

But now he had been watching Hange flounder. She has indeed improved over the last 3 years, but she still doubts herself and while it might not be known to those around her, Levi can’t help but feel sympathetic to her situation. Today however, the other officials had been particularly ruthless.

“Take a break, Hange,” Levi ordered. Hange just sighed. Then her stomach growled. “Have you eaten today?”

“Uuuuuuuhhh,” Hange mused as she genuinely struggled to remember.

“Tch, there’s your answer,” Levi crossed his arms. The rest of the officials had a big dinner scheduled for tonight, but of course the Survey Corps got shafted and had to leave early in order to prepare. Hange met his eyes again with an exhausted look he was all too familiar with.

“How have you been sleeping?”

“Not great,” she admitted. Levi’s stomach sank. He had dealt with his own insomnia his whole life, but it seems worse on Hange. Perhaps it was the stark contrast from her former bubbly and loud personality. Hange pinched the bridge of her nose and let out another long sigh. Levi couldn’t help feeling inadequate and helpless. He rarely got himself to sleep, how could he help Hange?

Levi looked out the window at the setting sun when he got an idea. He realized what Hange had been neglecting while trying to be a good commander. Something that wasn’t just eating and sleeping. Something that was unique to Hange.

“Hange, there’s one more thing you need to do before we leave.”

Hange raised an eyebrow.

Levi told the driver to wait for them and escorted Hange to the dining hall.

“Levi, we were technically invited, but I don’t think showing up for food after we already said goodbye is a very good look for us,” Hange practically whispered.

Levi opened the doors and they were greeted with a sweet aroma of bread, appetizers, and whatever was going to be the main dish. Hange’s mouth watered. The long elegant table was decorated with ornate candles, beautiful china, crystal glasses, and there were 4 sets of cutlery for each place setting.

“Relax, they won’t be here just yet. They will all be busy getting dressed for dinner.”

Hange grabbed a bread roll and took a huge bite, not bothering to chew before she commented, “I never understood ‘dressing for dinner’ ugh. What’s the point?”

Levi was about to make a half hearted comment about how Hange could never fit in with “civilized” society, but he stopped himself when he saw she was eating and was a little bit more relaxed. He found a small plate of savoury looking appetizers and handed it to her. She immediately took one.

“MMM, Levi!” she exclaimed, pointing at the plate. She popped another in her mouth before saying, “you gotta try these!”

Levi put up a hand and said, “you enjoy.”

Hange enthusiastically cleared the whole platter in less than a minute, and Levi was watching her, endeared at the behaviour. He had missed this side of her. Despite how gross it was, there was a glimpse of the carefree Hange he once knew. A small hint of a smile tugged at the corner of his mouth.

Then Hange belched.

“Disgusting,” Levi waved the air in front of his nose.

Hange gave a small laugh before saying, “Thank you Levi, I feel much better now.”

“Tch, you haven’t even done what we came here to do,” Levi scoffed.

Hange made a confused sound.

“Drop the dish.”

Hange’s one eye widened as she processed what Levi was saying.

“C’mon, you need to blow off some steam. They were total assholes to you today, and for what? You didn’t know the exact amount of your food budget? And yet,” Levi gestured to the banquet. He then picked up a delicate looking wine glass. He held his arm outstretched, and loosened his grip, letting it crash to the ground. “Oops.”

A mischievous smile stretched across Hange’s lips. “Oops,” she mimicked Levi and let the empty platter fall to the floor, breaking into dozens of pieces. She slowly started to lap around the long luxurious set up, like a predator admiring her prey before pouncing.

“Right? And Nile, ugh, what a hypocrite! Giving me shit for not knowing about that small thing, belittling me in front of everyone,” Hange snapped a salad plate against the edge of the table. “It wasn’t too long ago when he would have been the first to admit he had no idea what the first interior squad were up to! We had to find out for ourselves. Erwin was almost hanged!” Hange kicked a chair over on its side.

“Yeah, fuck Nile,” Levi egged her on. He took a seat at the head of the table and started sipping from one of the water glasses.

“Is this his spot?”

Levi shrugged but Hange was already pouring out a glass of wine all over the white seat, staining it a deep crimson. Levi hid his delight behind another sip.

“And did you catch what he said at the end? ‘Some of us have wives to get home to’”, she imitated in a mocking tone as she casually pushed a platter of dumplings off the table. “Yeah, run home, Nile. Run home to Erwin’s SLOPPY SECONDS!”

Levi blew water out of his nose, and before he could react, Hange reached under the short side of the table and flipped it over, sending its contents hurtling across the room. Hange was elated at the result, laughing almost maniacally.

“Idiot,” Levi hissed, grabbing Hange’s wrist and leading her out the side door. He heard footsteps, and so he instinctively dove into nearby shrubbery, taking Hange down with him.

They hid in the bushes for minutes, Levi pressing his hand to suppress Hange’s uncontrollable laughter. It had been so long since she’d laughed like this. It was infectious and Levi might have actually laughed himself, were it not for the fear of getting caught. He had no problem telling the MPs where to shove it, but he didn’t want Hange to get in trouble. Her whole body was convulsing, and it was rattling the leaves around her. Levi used all his body weight to stop her jerky movements.

After about another minute of total silence, Hange tapped Levi’s arm, signalling to let go. He was hesitant, but he obliged. Hange drew a couple deep breaths, fanning herself, trying to calm down from laughing so hard. Levi was transfixed by the way the moonlight danced on her tear-stained face. They stared at each other for a moment before Hange snickered once more, causing Levi to cover her mouth yet again. “You’re impossible,” he said, pushing her head back down.

Once the coast was clear, they ran back to their carriage, hand in hand. Partly because Levi wanted Hange to keep up, and partly because it felt nice to hold her hand. They ducked their heads until they were off of the main roads. A few minutes later, Hange started giggling again.

“What?” Levi asked.

Hange bit her lip playfully as she reached into her coat and pulled out a bottle of expensive wine she must have swiped from the banquet.

Levi rolled his eyes, but couldn’t help his smile. She looked like a child that just got away with stealing more dessert. She looked joyful for the first time in a long time. She yanked out the cork and took a swig before offering the bottle to Levi. He graciously accepted and tasted the wine for himself. It was too sweet for his taste, but he couldn’t deny that it was spectacular.

“That’s nice,” he commented.

“Pfft! It tastes the same as the cheap stuff!” Hange scoffed as she took the bottle back. Any other time, Levi would have teased her and started an argument, but not today. He wanted to cherish this moment. He leaned over to look at the stars through his window. Not a bad ending to an otherwise terrible day.

After Shiganshina, he and Hange had lost so much. Their comrades, friends; life as they knew it had completely changed and they barely had a moment’s breather to come to grips with it all. Levi was unfortunately accustomed to it, but Hange wasn’t. Hange had been so strong through all of this and Levi wanted to find the right words to tell her. Maybe it was the exhaustion they both felt; maybe it was the close proximity, but for some reason, somehow, Levi felt a tiny bit of courage surge through his veins.

“Hey, Hange, I-”

When he turned to look at her, she was fast asleep, neck crooked as she cradled the bottle of wine. Levi smiled at her. She looked peaceful, like she was getting quality sleep. He took the bottle from her arms and gently maneuvered her to a more comfortable, lying down position. He removed his jacket and draped it over her, as a make-shift blanket.

“Goodnight, Four-Eyes,” he mumbled to himself and returned to his seat. Hange slept the whole way home. When they finally arrived in the southern barracks, Levi couldn’t bring himself to wake her up. He quickly ran their luggage up to their rooms, and came back for Hange.

Being as gentle as he could, he scooped up the commander and ignored the curious look he got from the carriage driver. She was taller than him, and her long limbs made the trek a little difficult, but he was determined. Her steady breaths tickled the skin of his neck.

He carried her up the winding staircase and into her quarters. He lowered her on the bed, careful not to go too fast. He cradled her head for a split second longer than he needed too. He took off her long boots one at a time, placing them silently on the floor at the end of the bed. He undid the top two buttons of her jacket and shirt, just for comfort. Then he pulled the blanket up to her chin, and tucked around the sides.

Finally, he removed her glasses and eyepatch, caressing the tender skin underneath. Placing them on her night stand, he got up to leave. The door hinge creaked as he opened it, and Hange stirred.

“Mmm Levi?” She called out.

Levi wasn’t sure if she was actually awake, or if she was sleep-talking. He was still deciding whether he should answer when she continued, “Thank you, Levi. For everything.”

“You too, Hange,” he spoke just above a whisper, as he closed her door.

#levihan #levihan fanfiction #fluff

[fairycosmos]

man a lot of fathers are so weird with their daughters. when i was 9 or 10 my father pointed out the holes in my clothes which i got from climbing trees and basically just being a kid and told me with my clothes like that, no men ever wants to marry me. like bold of you to assume i ever want to marry a men or marry in general. also i was 10 the last thing i have to think about is if a male finds me attractive. also pointing out the "feminity" of your daughters is also very wrong!!! some fathers gotta stop saying that "their daughters grew up to be a real women" like ew youre my father why are you noticing my breast and hip growth and overall look at me in a sexual way you know. thats basically saying that i got "fuckable" in your eyes because thats what men only think about women. its so gross and thats why i avoid talking to my dad at all costs.

bro i fucking hate your dad!! :/ whats his address i j wanna talkkkk. i’m really sorry you had to experience that, seriously. literally who looks at a kid playing outside n thinks anything along the lines of whether or not their behaviour is attractive to men? it is so so deranged and SICK like im not even being over dramatic. and ego centrical. they really think the world exists to turn them on. fucks me up to my core to think about. especially how many young girls childhoods are basically butchered by adults projecting these made up, gross expectations onto them before they’re even old enough to know what any of it even means. it definitely does smth to our social n emotional development to be told to control how we act because we’re always being judged like life’s an eternal fucking beauty pageant. i swear they can’t just let us live for one fucking moment. also i agree that’s exactly what they mean when they say that shit LMFAO. they just know they have to say it in a socially acceptable way. instead of my kid is hot they think it’s ok to say oh i can see how others think my kid is hot. like that’s less weird? like don’t worry yourself about how well i grew up sir. it has nothing at all to do w you. actually just never look at me ever again thanks if you’re incapable of seeing your own family through a non sexual lens :^) i remember a male relative called one of us ‘sexy’ when we were kids after we’d gotten dressed up to go out somewhere and everyone just acted like it was normal :/ so i think this sort of thing is really really common, unfortunately. n we’re just expected to put up with it. hello??? i swear some ppl should just not have kids dude. i don’t know WHY they think they have any sort of say in their daughters body or sexuality - it’s bizarre. a symptom of pedo culture i would say. anyway i think you’re totally justified in not talking to your dad in general, if he can’t act normal it’s not your job to deal with it. i know it’s still very painful bc obviously you deserve to have a healthy relationship with your parents. but self preservation is always going to be more important than him or his feelings in this context. what a cunt honestly. you’re so much more than he will ever be. sending love 2 you x

#im angry! #anon

[vortomorto]

you're so right about the "British humor" thing where I live it's also worse than there, people will say a slur and think it's funny but just because we're used to hearing it doesn't make it ok, just because it's a "culture thing" doesn't make it ok. it SHOULD be called out and props to you for doing it despise all the shit you're getting

(‼️ CW: SLURS, R*PE & SEXUAL ASSAULT MENTIONS,IS*S,A BIT HEAVY CONTENT‼️)

ppl constantly say the n word here (mainly in songs or as a "joke") and i have tried explaining why they shouldnt say it but all i got was "there are no black people here, who cares". in good news, the rise of tik tok has made a lot of greek people talk to people from other countries and i have seen lots of greeks in social media censoring the word instead of saying it (not in my region tho sadly)

im not even talking about the r slur or the f slur or the g slur (or a t slur – idk if theres an equivalent in english, its not the 6 letter one). basically everyones using them everywhere and its really fucked up. the r slur is the one that most people (at least adults) have accepted its a slur and no (good) teacher lets kids get away with it lightly.

i called out a classmate of mine for using a slur and ever since then everytime he sees me he says it??? its so disturbing. at least i dont see him anymore.

its not even slurs, r*pe jokes are so fucking common and its so terrifying. i told a "friend" of mine when he made one with his friends that they are not funny and his reply was "why? are you afraid we are going to **** you?". like dude, youre fucked up. imagine saying that and thinking youre funny?? and as someone who actually got sexually assaulted (something that i have never mentioned to anyone irl, heres me talking about it on tumblr) its especially triggering and scary. at that point i just stopped talking, its a lost cause. its fucked up and yet so normalized. they dont understand that what they are doing is gross and has an actual impact.

they also make a lot of n*zi and is*s jokes??? to the point someone i knew uploaded stories where he and his friends pretend to behead one another like is*s does or whatever??? once again, not funny. youre not edgy.

ppl who say "its just british humour" have the same energy as old ppl who say "thats not what we did back in my day". the world is changing and evolving and we have to move on from this. maybe we should be more careful with our words bc they are not just words. our words have meaning and our words can hurt others.

when the eboys made n*zi jokes, they made it ok for everyone watching them to make n*zi jokes. they are not obscure youtubers for a niche audience, they are mainstream (yeah i said it) and have a huge audience. they are the ones setting the boundaries and their behaviour is how they show whats acceptable and whats not. they are setting an example, whether they like it or not. you can argue that its not their responsibility to set a good example, but thats not changing the fact that they *are* setting an example, good or bad.

as i said, if your humour relies on making n*zi jokes, maybe youre not that funny. maybe shock humour isnt funny and its cringey. maybe comedy existed long before h*tler existed.

and maybe dark humour is making jokes about yourself and your mental illnesses to cope, not whatever these edgy dudes are doing.

#tw slurs #el speaks #im kind of going to miss writing these long as replies #its therapeutic in a weird way #maybe i should find a way to talk about these things more often #rants n rambles #ask answered #anon ask #george memeulous #memeulous critical #memeulous #eboys #yt #willne #imallexx #greek #youtube culture #youtube critical #british humour #greek humour

[the-cryptographer]

Here, I'll help get your ideas going about the rest of Lottery Ticket. Pick the most helpful? 001 for Polar OR Violet OR Ettushipping OR even Arrogantshipping, OR 002 for Mai OR Joey OR Seto??? (also I can't decide either lol)

Thank you for the ask  :D

Lotto Ticket’s pretty much planned out. I just need to stop making things difficult and write more, but-

mmm, I already answered 002 for Mai, and I talked a little teeny bit there about how I see her and Seto’s being bros. So… I answered 001 for JouKai and Polar. Under the cut because whining about Jou and Kaiba gets long in particular x_x

JouKai

when I started shipping it if I did:

Somewhere in the nebulous time between watching the show as akid and when I started first reading fanfic for this show, my subconsciousdecided this was the combination of characters to slot into ffnet’s searchengine.

my thoughts:

F- F- F- F- FOILS! It’s a ship of conflicting circumstanceand ideology. It’s super fun to watch them butt heads at every turn, until somethingmanages to break through.

I think- In the series itself, Jounouchi and Kaiba both, ina sense, have their worlds and eyes opened by Yuugi and Atem respectively.Yuugi opens Jou up to opportunity – the possibility that there are ways he cansucceed without having to be a bully and a thug, and that it’s okay for him tonurture the more kind and loving aspects of himself. Atem opens Kaiba up to theidea that there can be trust and opportunity and connection with other people,that there is a way that cooperation and friendship (and maybe even miracles)can happen. I guess I think Jounouchi and Kaiba’s relationship is a kind ofnext step? Jounouchi & Kaiba are far more dissimilar than Yuugi &Jounouchi and Kaiba & Atem – so the process of reconciling their worldviewsin a way that is made to accommodate one another, while allowing them to retaintheir differences, is one that is able to open their eyes further to grandbreadth of the world and its possibilities – that there are many ways to liveand to be and they only need choose what works for them.

Also they both really deeply understand what it is to be desperate. I don’t really think they’dbe able to empathise much with the particular circumstances of such desperation,but I think they could really begin to understand on a deep level that alldesperation looks the same and it’s ugly and brings out the worst in people. If they could come to have sympathy for each other and themselves it would be nice.

Also I’m addicted to the class background spin *gnashesteeth* Jou’s more prototypically lower class than Kaiba’s prototypically upperclass in a cultural sense, but it’s still fun as heck~

What makes me happy about them:

The process of them coming to respect one another. Theprocess of them learning not to hurt each other. The process of them learningto cut themselves a break and deciding that there’s no reason they shouldn’t eachbe allowed their own happiness and fulfilment.

What makes me sad about them:

They already have an established relationship based on beingreally cruel to each other, and it’s really hard to alter patterns of behaviourthat have already been established. I can easily see them making efforts torepair how they interact with one another, and then, in some moment whenthey’re both angry and under pressure, losing the traction they’d built up tothat point – slipping into old patterns of being really nasty and cruel, exceptworse because they would be armed with an amount of intimacy that meant theywould really /know/ how to make the other one hurt. I wouldn’t want them tostay together if they crossed that kind of line, but it makes me sad how easilyI think they could cross that line, especially within the span of the firstcouple of years they’re together. It makes me extra sad how easily I think they mightbe inclined to /purposefully/ cross those lines as a means of sabotaging a lovethey feel they don’t deserve.

Also, something that doesn’t make me sad so much as frustrates me in my attempts to write them: In the pre-DSoD world, or given a post-DSoD world where Atemisn’t able to be Seto’s continued outlet for duelling/interpersonal connection,it’s very, very easy for me toimagine Seto isolating himself to the point of potential fatality. Seto… couldbe very rigid about this… and I find Jounouchi uniquely capable of addressingthis problem. Given that Jounouchi has some pretense or motivation for hasslingSeto, I think Jounouchi would – and that becomes self-perpetuating as Jounouchiis met with resistance. The more barriers Seto puts up, the more Jounouchi seesthis as a challenge, and the more he takes a sadistic glee in tearing thosebarriers down. In some ways, I think you need somebody with Jounouchi’s levelof reckless, self-destructive persistence to break through to Seto. But, at the same time,Jounouchi’s not being nice when he does this. He’s being forceful. He’s beingdisrespectful of other people’s boundaries. He’s not doing it out of concernfor Seto (at least not at first). He just enjoys forcing Seto into situationswhere Seto is off-balance, so he can feel steady in comparison. He’s being a bully. So I’m kind of torn betweenwanting to say, ‘jfc, Jou, STOP!’, and ‘jfc, Jou, KEEP FUCKING GOING! You willrestrain Seto and physically drag him out of his comfort zone if you have to,bc Seto’s comfort zone is such a small stretch of barren land – it’s only amatter of time before he dies of starvation!’ Ugh, and as Jou does this, he’salso being met with Seto giving off terrible mixed signals and periodically beingreally, really terrible in an attempt to get Jou to buzz the fuck off, but it doesn’t work because Jou is a neglectbaby who doesn’t care if people hurt him so long as they’re paying attention tohim. And then Seto gets to be all relieved when Jou hasn’t given up on him evenafter he’s gone and stabbed Jou with a pen.So all around it feels like I’mrewarding them for behaving really, really terribly. But it feels so organic to me the way it’s happening - let me stew in thistrash a little bit longer, okay?

things done in fanfic that annoy me:

Everything.

Offthe top of my head – the narrative pushing the idea that either Jou or Kaiba isthe better person, or the idea that their power struggle can be resolved in theprocess of finding the winner, instead of abandoning the fight. Seme/uketropes. I think everyone at this point has acknowledged Seto calls Jou doggythings is an attempt to dehumanise him, so Seto using such terminology as a petname is really fucking gross.

things I look for in fanfic:

Sometimes I’m just in the mood to read something fluffy, butmost of the time I’m looking for fic that acknowledges that they are bothreally cruel to one another, and that that cruelty isn’t superficial. That theyare both angry and maladjusted as fuck, and they have very, very valid reasons to have beef with oneanother and, without reaching and reassessing the deep insecurities and beliefsthat cause that anger, any attempts they make to play nice and be kind aresuperficial af and unlikely to last.

(I mean… I think there’s value to thembeing able to indulge in a little kindness even superficially – certainly theycan’t spend the whole long, gruelling process of self-change being at eachother’s throats, it would be too exhausting. So I don’t mind reading about thembeing superficially kind, but it can’t be sold to me as being somehow deeperthan it is, you feel?)

Who I’d be comfortable them ending up with, if not each other:

As much as I’m SUPER invested in Kaiba and Jou having someset of postcanon foibles that allow them to better understand one another andgrow as individuals - yeah I’m okay with them ultimately ending up with other people.

For Jou – Mai. For Kaiba – either Isis or Atem. I likerivalshipping too, but jumping from Jou to Yuugi would definitely be the causeof upsetting dramas.

My happily ever after for them:

Theylearn to fucking chill a little

who is the big spoon/little spoon:

Once more – “Jou doesn’t so much spoon people as he wraps hislegs around their chest and awkwardly strangle-hugs their face like it’s astrange laying-down-on-your-side sleepy piggyback ride.”

It’s things like this that, at first, make Seto wonder whyhe puts up with Jou. But, as time goes on, he gives up on wondering because he’snever going to find the answer. (Or, rather, admit the answer to himself.)

…At least one of the answers is that Jou likes running hishands softly through Kaiba’s hair and soothing him to sleep by massaging hisforehead, and it’s very comforting.

what is their favorite non-sexual activity:

They both enjoy duelling to a certain extent, but I thinkKaiba finds duelling Jou much less fun and challenging than the other wayaround, so that mismatch probably discourages it from being their true go-toactivity. But Yuugi invites them over for game nights periodically, and it’sbecomes a kind of fun thing for both of them to do.

They kind of have different interests, so I imagine they’rethe kind of couple that does their own things and then reconvenes to sharestories or otherwise silently enjoy each other’s presence. Kaiba’s aworkaholic, so a lot of times he’s on his laptop in the evenings, while Jousits next to him reading manga, or watching TV shows with headphones in. Kaiba oftenstays at the office late too, and Jou will come over just to be a reassuringpresence. He brings a sleeping bag and something to do and camps out on thedivan. Jou has learned not to bother Kaiba, and Kaiba’s learned not to bebothered in a complementary fashion.

For a very long time, Seto proves to be kind of difficult todrag out for dates and the like with any regularity. But, as Seto ages andstarts trusting Mokuba with more Kaiba Corp responsibilities, he’ll have morefree time. Jou starts taking him out for walks – sometimes to really date-ishplaces like theme parks or the promenade or the aquarium, but a lot of timesthey just go to the park or on nature-lite hikes. Jou’s extremely chatty onthese walks and runs ahead to look at this or that and points things out toSeto. Jou kind of gets worked up because Kaiba’s really quiet and mostly justnods and doesn’t say much, and then Jou becomes worried he’s annoying Kaiba,and then he gets annoyed that he’s worried and resolves to be extra loud andannoying. Really though Kaiba’s not annoyed at all – he enjoys listening to Joutalk and enjoys watching Jou get really cheerful and excited about these walks– Kaiba’s just quiet. By this point they won’t be so incapable of propercommunication though so, within the span of a walk or two, either Seto willnotice Jou’s being angry about talking and pointing things out instead ofproperly cheerful and ask him why, or Jou will break and ask Seto if he’sannoyed and that’s why isn’t he talking, and then they’ll clear up theirmisunderstanding. Jou will feel kind of silly for worrying afterwards~

==

JouMai

when I started shipping it if I did:

I was shipping this in 2001, when I didn’t know whatshipping was. I don’t remember what about Duellist Kingdom convinced me… Butsomething in Duellist Kingdom convinced me!!!

my thoughts:

Oh, geez, I mean- They’re just so lovely!!! I think theirDuellist Kingdom repertoire convinces me more than their Battle City one does.The way Jounouchi convinced Mai to take the star chips from Yuugi and kind ofconvinces her they’re friends, and then the way Mai returns the favour when shegives Jou the entry card. I feel like it was a really strong base of give andtake that wasn’t borne out of some kind of attempt to return favours upon eachother, but to genuinely help one another. It’s just so sweet.

And I feel like they buzz at similar levels. They’re bothkind of high energy and outgoing. And they’re both kind of immature, but inways that can both cause conflict and complement each other.

Also, it is kind of important to me that, in canon, theyseem to react to each other in the realm of being attracted to one another.Something about how it’s presented in the series, with Jou immediately going ‘wow,’and Mai being both dismissive and smitten seems really honest to me.

What makes me happy about them:

When they can be honest with each other and really bask inhow much they are cherished.

What makes me sad about them:

I think they don’t have a very good grasp on when theteasing things they do and say become genuinely hurtful to other.

I think theymight never meet each other at the right time to make their romance work.

And, also, I think Mai’s highkey convinced there’s somethingwrong with her for being attracted to Jou, given he’s eight years younger andalso washed-out thug with no prospects. Which… I won’t say her tastes aren’tinteresting, or that she shouldn’t absolutely keep in mind that he’s still aminor during the series, but I think it’s just one of many data points that Maicherry picks to use as part of her thesis on why she is fundamentally flawedand unloveable, which is kind of – fuckingstop it, Mai.

things done in fanfic that annoy me:

Excepting a couple of key stories, a lot of JouMai fic seemsto blend together in my mind in one really indistinct blob. I’m not sure there’sanything that outright annoys me so much as a lot of things that haven’tinspired me. I’m sorry, I still haven’t read yours yet miranova~

things I look for in fanfic:

I’mnot really sure what to say except, ‘something unique’ or ‘something thoughtprovoking

Who I’d be comfortable them ending up with, if not each other:

Vivian for Mai. And pretty much anyone for Jou, but Yuugi andYuugi&Kaiba both come to mind. I’ll confess I flat out don’t want to readabout Jounouchi and Mai breaking up though. Even in passing, like, a throwawayline about how they dated once and it didn’t work out. In all the fics I’veread, I can only think of two that did this that I didn’t x-out of andneither one was JouKai

My happily ever after for them:

Maigets to have her career and make lots of moolah and live her life, and thenthey get together when they’re both older (Mai might even be pushing 40 at thatpoint, lol) and have lots of new exciting adventures together :)I think they’d want a kid or two but, even after the kids, Mai probably won’t be convinced on marriagefor another ten or twenty years, lol

who is the big spoon/little spoon:

Mai gets fed up with Jounouchi’s strangehold piggyback ride versionof spooning and takes over big spoon responsibilities… at least part of thetime. I think Mai likes feeling warm and surrounded, so she might curl upfacing him and he kind of curls in around her.

what is their favorite non-sexual activity:

Duelling and talking duel monsters, tbh. But I also thinkthey’re a very date-y couple. They’re always going places, whether it’s to themall or the movies or biking out to scenic kinds of places. Mai would like totake Jou on vacation abroad too~

I’ve talked about Jou and Mai going to the spa together too, but that might be overly indulgent of me~

#i wanted to edit the middle bit where i was bitching about the dynamic in my own fic #but the library is closing and i need to go home and i don't want to sit on this for another day #maybe it will be interesting #JouKai #polarship #save me from this card game hell #ask

[queenofthewaste]

Hi it's 3am (by the time I finished this it was in fact closer to 5am) and I'm so tired and I don't care anymore and this is literally my blog so if I can't be emo here then where? (A diary, I suppose, but shutup)

To preface this, mutuals, whatevs you've seen me go through fandom after fandom and then become a pseudo aesthetic blog so you can handle me angsting a bit. IRLs on the other hand, if you read this I would appreciate you not ever acknowledging this in anyway shape of form bc like. Emotional vulnerability bad (ง'̀-'́)ง

Up until a few months ago I was in a relationship with someone who I cared about very deeply. The relationship itself was not perfect but I was pretty happy, and best I can tell, so was she. Ultimately we broke up because of the fact that she felt she couldn't come out to her family. This wasn't fun for me or anything but its something I was aware of as a possible end so y'know. Whatever.

Unfortunately this break up wasn't even remotely clean. She continued to talk to me, not seeming to get my requests for space and eventually we went back to cuddling and other forms of emotional intimacy that are far oustide of my platonic wheelhouse. At this situation's worst she made some pretty specifically romantic moves towards me, which I would call almost actively callous. Eventually after a few months of going back and forth on whether or not we were talking we (I) actually were firm about it. This was on Halloween, and the following week or so was basically "great" insofar as I didn't have to think about her.

Unfortunately the next week it was my birthday and she turned up on my doorstep after my party upset I had invited some mutual friends, and I helped her with her emotional distress and then walked her home. Then I had no contact. For about a month.

A month later she messaged me on Twitter. Then a week later she turned up somewhere she knew I was going to be (this is somewhat debatable but ultimately I still felt stalked and in a weird way kind of betrayed).

Then nothing until Christmas day when I received an anonymous "I miss you" on this tumblr. Not provable as her like who else misses me lol? (All the creepy men who I keep rejecting but I don't they have my tumblr). Then on NYE she messaged my housemate about me. Then a few days later she does the same.

Ultimately my feeling about all of this are;

I’m sad about the circumstance of the break up. It feels like a waste of something good, but I could probably deal with it better if either of us seemed even remotely happy since it.

I think it’s fucking heartbreaking that someone I cared so deeply for would so quickly become someone I desperately wanted to avoid, the extent to which I want to avoid her is actively depressing in and of itself 

She’s clearly not been doing okay since we broke up (or for a while before we broke up but she’s been more noticeably dysfunctional since we broke up) and it’s so frustrating to watch her feel alienated from her friends (and to an extent have actually alienated her friends) and to engage in self destructive behaviours etc, and have no room, or even right to do anything. 

As an addition to the previous point, I am usually cold to a fault, so I hate how I have been unable to switch off here. I hate that I still care about her the way I do when everything she has done in the past four months has had an active detrimental affect on me.

This is probably the least “valid” feeling to have about the dissolution of the relationship, and I actively consider this to be deeply petty but here we are - I think it’s unfair that she is telling my housemate that she misses me. I think its unfair that she was the one to do romantic things during the messy period post break up. I think it’s unfair that she made a choice and now seems to want to have the sympathy of the person who was “left” or “dumped” or whatever. Fuck you that’s not fair. I haven’t made my feelings about this known. I didn’t message her fucking housemate to tell him I miss her. Of course I fucking miss her but I’m also not a fucking douchebag.

I also feel betrayed by how willing she was to hurt me and mess me around post-break up. She told her friends things she had promised she wouldn’t and generally handled things shittily. Honestly I just want to know why? I didn’t do anything fucking wrong. We didn’t break up even due to shitty behaviour what the fuck did I do to deserve all of this 

I still want to talk to her. I sort of feel like there’s nothing left to say anymore, but I do 

Running concurrently to this is the fact that last year I was voted in to be the president of the Comic Book Society (club) at my university. At the time I was pleased and looked forward to it. One of the people who would be running it with me was a guy I was good friends with. Then he (probably) sexually assaulted me, and (definitely) became super creepy about his feelings for me. I low key told him to fuck off and didn't speak to him for the summer. During which time he got therapy and seemed to improve, and because I didn't want to have to do paperwork I figured I would let him stick around. Of course then he continued to be creepy so I had to tell him to fuck off properly.

The break up I had just gone through, and the fact I had to fire 1/3 of my exec did not make running the society easy, but ultimately neither of those things were the actual problem. 

The problem instead was that my members just. Wouldn't talk. No matter what. I did everything I could. I know I'm often somewhat intimidating but I also know I'm reasonably funny and decent at conversation in general. But over three months these people remained mute and it was infuriating. They wanted a weekly lecture about comics and I'm just not doing that. So I've allowed the society to fold.

Ultimately about this I guess I feel

Sort of betrayed by the guy who was into me, obviously I suppose I shouldn’t have forgiven him after the (possible) sexual abuse, but I was tired and thought maybe it would be fine. But ultimately he was a guy who claimed to care about me/ know me well, and everything he did belied the opposite which is such a fundamental kind of gross that it’s sort of upsetting.

About my society failing? I take on the responsibility personally, even though every piece of evidence suggests there wasn’t much I could really have done to increase turnout, bar become more general interest (Like talk about the movies more) which ultimately defeats the point of the fucking society so. No. Basically, lol, I feel like a total failure for failing to run a society that was clearly doomed to failure from the beginning

ALSO I’m twenty one. Due to issues with my mental and physical health during my A levels I had to spend an additional year in college. I then failed to get the grades I wanted to go the uni I really wanted to go to. As a result of this I came to uni and was a bit “behind” where I wanted to be in life. Then, naturally, of course, I managed to fail a module of my course, meaning I had to resit the whole year. Making me a Twenty One year old First Year. I haven’t told any of my friends about this, meaning I’m consistently lying a bit about what I’m doing. (I did tell my now ex, and am sort of paranoid she may have told someone but whatever) Oh also one of my housemates is resitting his first year, which arguably makes my extended deception worse, because it’s not helped with his self perception. Oh also multiples of my friends are getting engaged now 

I guess the way I feel about this mess of shit is 

Failurex1000

I feel extremely “behind” some idea of where I feel I should be in my life, which is ridiculous because I’ve never had a clear picture of where I want to be and when, so there’s no plan to be behind on 

Failure Failure Failure

I feel somewhat guilty about not informing said housemate bc he’s insecure about resitting, and also insecure about me being arbitrarily “better” than him, but also I have a crippling fear of being seen as weak or stupid and he’s not my fucking responsibility.

Again, the friends all getting engaged thing makes me feel weirdly lagging so. yay

ALSO I live with three boys currently. I say “boys” because despite their status as legal adults, the juvenile term is really more appropriate. One of whom has had a crush on me for a relatively extended period of time now. He claims to be over me, but his behaviours consistently belie that he is not. Another is just generally a bit immature, and screeches down his headset playing shit video games in the middle of the night (this is in fact why I am currently up and writing this) The third is technically fine but he contributes to the general mess and skid marks on the toilet with the seat always fucking up and the hair all over the fucking bathroom dear fucking god 

Summing up this one too;

I have already decided to live alone next year, and have made the arrangements to do so, Though this means I will basically be broke re: disposable money

If I ever see another fucking toilet seat up I’m going to scream

I nearly stabbed my housemate today for waking me up. And now five hours later nearly I have been unable to get any sleep. 

Alot of my complaints about my housemates highlight two specific things for me 

My upbringing required me to be more independent from a younger age. I’m grateful for the relative competence this has provided me earlier on, but also I think I’m becoming resentful, or jealous, of these people who got to be children until even now? I cannot imagine being 19 and behaving the way these boys do (or twenty one and behaving the way my ex does) and I can’t help but wonder about the kind of coddling they must have had relative to my life.

I need my own space. I have had little control of my life and living arrangements for quite some time now (even having spent three months or so technically homeless last summer) and this is potentially my only opportunity to get that so

Finally, Alot of how I’ve reacted to stuff the past few months has made me feel concerned about my mental health? Several years ago I went to a psychologist for an extended period of time (I was forced to lol) and toward the end of the time I was seeing her she mentioned cluster B personality disorders to me. Obviously being a sixteen year old who thought she was fine this made me balk, I started lying to seem neurotypical or whatever the word is now, and then eventually managed to get out of having to go, but now I think there was probably some stock in what she was talking about and am now going to try and pursue this, so I get to dally with the NHS’ adult mental health services.

Summing up

I don’t actually want a diagnosis and on some level think I’m fine but also line up with the DSM of two of the cluster B’s relatively well and am clearly not doing well so my belief that I’m fine is unhelpful

In the end, it is clearly my pride that’s gong to lead to my death. 

Thanks for reading, anonymous internet person or person I know irl stalking my blog/ignoring my request for this to be ignored if you know me irl :I

#delete later #personal #don't rb #like i don't know if that had to be said but y'know #tbh i'm almost more confortable talking in the tags but that seems unhelpful #i just think ive been hurt so much and i cant take much more anymore im sorry #like ive been snappier and less patient but im so alone jesus christ i dont let anyone in #everytime i let people in it like #doesn't go well #at all