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deans-mind-palace · 4 years

Text

Lullabies

Pairing: Jensen x Reader x Jared (not poly!), Jared x Reader, Jensen x Reader

Word Count: 1,587

Warnings: Fluff, angst, mentions of pregnancy

Author’s Note: Based only this request. Anonymous: Fem!reader x J2 where the reader is pregnant and tells them, please. Either Jared or Jensen is the father please. Like always, likes are silver, feedback is gold. I would be pleased with a comment if you liked it, but you don’t have to. :)

Check out my masterlist for part 2! Link in bio.

(GIF’s not mine.)

Damn it. Your hand was shaking so badly, your pregnancy test fell on the floor. You nervously clung to the sink and nausea set in. There it goes again. The little blue plus was blurring in front of your eyes and your pale reflection was looking at you from the mirror. The next moment, you plunged into the toilet cabin and threw up. The smell of the toilet stone rose into your nose and made you choke once more.

A baby. A fucking baby. A little, little human was growing inside your womb. One of your hands lay on your stomach. Of course, nothing could be seen or felt yet, but you felt as if you could feel the presence of the tender being under your touch. It made you overjoyed, even if it had not been intended. But how did one say? Unexpected often comes. You would become a mother! You had to tell that the father right away!

But here we came to your problem. You had no idea who the father was. Well, you didn't know exactly who the father was. That both men were also the most popular actors in America was a further difficulty.

Suddenly, you were overcome with fear. How would they react to this news? Would they be happy? Or hate you? Exhausted by the merry-go-round of thoughts in your head, you leaned against the white door of the cabin. Your arm was still hanging over the toilet and your head was resting in the neck. The most important question was, who would you rather want as father of the child? Jensen Ackles? Or would you prefer Jared Padalecki?

A knocking sounded at the door to the toilet and tore you out of your thoughts. A voice rang out and cut the silence. It was the voice of your young PA. "Y/N? You are expected in 15min in the mask! Also Jensen asked for you. And Jared wanted to go over your lines with you." The names of the two possible fathers made you close your eyes in agony.

"I'll be right there." you shouted and flushed the toilet before opening the door and rinsing your mouth to wash the stale taste off your tongue. Then you energetically pushed the door open - and promptly ran into Jensen.

"There you are!" Jensen greeted you. Then he checked you out. "What were you doing in there so long?" You panicked for a moment, then you got it together again. "What you do in the toilet, Jensen. I don't think you want me to elaborate." He laughed and gave you a kiss on the cheek like you used to do when you were alone. You were going to tell him now. You wanted it to be over so badly.

"I - Jensen, I have to talk to you." you muttered as his soft lips brushed across your cheek. He smiled warmly at you. "Sure, what is it about?" he asked curiously and looked at you attentively. You dodged his gaze and tugged nervously at your sleeve.

"I - oh, god." You broke off and hid your face in your hands. Instantly, Jensen's expression changed to anxious. "What is it, Y/N?" Gently, he knelt and took your hands off your face. Immediately you looked into his apple-green eyes and inside of you the desire grew for the baby to have his eyes. These endless green orbs that managed to captivate you every time you looked at them.

"I'm pregnant, Jay." you muttered almost silently, but judging by his shocked look, he understood you perfectly. Then a smile spread across his lips and his green eyes sparkled. "I'm going to be a father?" he asked incredulously. His face shone and you hated yourself for your next words. You were wrong. The hardest thing was yet to come. "Y-you - or Jared." "I... Wait. What?!" The glow disappeared from his face as quickly as it had come. "Jared? Y/N. I know we don't have a steady thing, but I would have thought at least -" He interrupted himself and his face became hard. "Where is he?" He growled. "Jensen, no!" You tried to grab Jensen's arm, but he already rushed to Jared's trailer.

"You! You slept with her?" you heard Jensen's angry voice. "I - what? What are you talking about? What is this all about, Jay?" came Jared's confused voice. "Y/N. She's pregnant! And one of us is the father." growled the elder as he burst in the door. You ran after him, but he had already pressed Jared against the wall by his collar

"What?! But how? Wait... One of us?!" repeated Jared in disbelief. You flinched at his comment. Then he spotted you in the doorway and looked at you with disappointment. "You were the one who slept with her," Jensen growled without paying attention to you. You begged them to stop, but no one listened to you. "Oh! Don't give me that, Jensen! You slept with her, too!" hissed Jared, before he pushed Jensen away and adjusted his collar. Desperation came over you. That's what you were afraid of. Your biggest dream had just turned into a living nightmare. "Boys. Boys! Stop it. Please!" You kept begging. Hot tears ran down your cheeks as you tried to pull Jensen from Jared, but the former simply tore off his arm so that you stumbled after him. "Stop it!" But it was only a soft whimper as Jensen ducked away from Jared's fist. You hadn't wanted any of this, the little squirt in your stomach was about to ruin your life. Because its fathers were a bunch of idiots. You never wanted to be the reason that those two men's friendship ended! You knew you had to go. This was pointless. They were better off without you and the baby.

"I love you both," you whispered in tears, one hand over your stomach. You left the trailer with one last look at the two fighting fathers. A taxi took you as far away from the set as possible. You had no idea that they had both heard your last words.

Jared was pacing back and forth in the living room. Jensen sat at the table in the room, looking at the bottom of his whiskey glas. He watched as the ice cubes floated around in the clear, brown liquid before he threw his head back and swallowed its contents. "She's been missing for two months, Jensen," Jared murmured and ruffled his hair.

Jensen poured himself a drink and looked at the little picture in his hand. It was an ultrasound image that you sent to them weeks ago. It was a little girl.Jensen couldn't tell how many times he had stroked the little bean in the picture with his index finger. The spot had faded in the meantime and the photo was wrinkled because he always carried it with him. He had emptied the whiskey bottle completely by the end of the evening.

You'd been on your own for three months. You were in your ninth month and staying with a well-known actor friend Sarah in New York. The baby was doing great and growing into a healthy little person. The contractions had already started and you were in a white hospital bed while a nurse talked you through it. The pain almost tore your body apart. Suddenly the door to the room opened and two men, whom you thought you would never see again, burst into the room in green scrubs. Just as another contraction shook your body.

"Now push, Y/N!" Said the nurse, and you did what you were told. A scream escaped your throat and sweat ran down your forehead, but you couldn't take your eyes off the two most important men in your life. "Jensen. Jared. You are here - h-how did you--" Another contraction interrupted you and hissed. "Sarah. She told us. We came as fast as we could." said Jared and rushed to your side. He grabbed your hand and flinched as you squeezed it hard, yet he stayed with you. Jensen watched the whole scene frozen. Panic filled his green eyes. But he also stayed bravely with you. Soon the last contraction came and suddenly you heard a shattering scream! Your little daughter had just seen the light of day. The midwife took her at once, cleaned her, weighed her and laid her wrapped in a blanket in your arms. She was the most wonderful thing you had ever seen in your life and you felt the love for this little creature overpower you. She slept peacefully and exhausted in your arms. Jensen and Jared stood by your bed in awe and looked at the little bundle with loving looks.

"We were idiots. We are sorry. It doesn't matter who the father is, the most important thing is that you're okay. You and the baby." mumbled Jensen as you put the baby in his arms. Gently, he held the little head and Jared placed a kiss on the daughter's head.

Jared cleared his throat embarrassed as he stroked a strand from your forehead. Jensen only had eyes for the little girl in his arms. "W-who is the father?" He asked, but you just shook your head. "I'm not going to run a paternity test. Because it doesn't matter which one of you is the father, because I know she'll have the best fathers in the world."

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Jared Padalecki taglist: /

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haileigh-desire · 7 years

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a new beginning

It’s five o’ clock in the morning and instead of getting some sleep I’ve decided to start a new blog. I’ve taken a hiatus on writing for quite some time now and I think I’m finally ready to restart the process of carefully separating my words with spaces in the same way a spruce separates its needles, keeping them just close enough to hold the snow. I tend to write and rewrite the same things with just a slight variation, probably because birthing poetry- or really any kind of writing- can feel almost ritualistic to me. I do it over and over again until I sort out my thoughts in a way that makes me feel content. I am hoping that even after all this time left coagulating inside my head, my thoughts and ideas aren’t too stale and lifeless to mean anything anymore. I don’t know if I’ve been a writer who doesn’t write for too long but I know that I am ready to try again.

I guess it would be a good idea to talk a little bit about where I am in life at the current moment. I’m twenty four years old, living in an apartment next to a jail in Reno, Nevada and I am a mother. If there is a purpose in life greater than being a parent, I do not know of it. I was staying at a homeless shelter in Florida when I found out that I was pregnant and had no concept of the gravity of what that meant for me or of the direction it would catapult my life into. My pregnancy was divided up into chunks of time, each one spent in a different state. I carried my child to be with me while I moved from one place to another, across the country and back again all the while tracking her growth with apps that compared her to various fruits. I believe she was the size of an apricot when I flew to Nevada for the first time to stay with a friend whom I had previously lived with before and had come to love as an honorary sister of sorts. Amanda and I both worked at the Buffalo Wild Wings across the street from our second floor apartment in Sparks and endured the misery of summertime in the desert with a broken air conditioner together. There is a picture somewhere of the both of us standing in a shower, my round belly sticking out far enough to leave only my toes visible while her tummy stands opposite of mine in all of its flatness and glory. We were so hot even in our own apartment that we resorted to taking cold showers together to survive. This is the primary chunk of time where I wrestled with the most difficult of choices- could I and should I keep this baby? I had kept the second passenger joining us in our new home a secret until I was already off of the plane and sitting in the drive-thru at In-N-Out getting my first taste of the notorious Double Double (which was everything I had dreamed it to be and more, in case you were wondering) and after I uttered the words, “I have to tell you something,” Amanda guessed correctly right away. We briefly discussed my options and I was afraid to admit to her at first that a large part of me was telling me to keep the baby so I was very nonchalant about the situation initially in order to conceal my true intentions. The word abortion was thrown into the conversation and over the next few weeks I attempted to warm up to the idea. I knew that I was not only financially not in a position where I could support myself, let alone a baby, but I also didn’t have a place where the baby and I could live once they were born or the support/involvement of the baby’s father. At first he encouraged me towards abortion, stating that he was not ready and did not want to be a father and over the course of many phone calls to each other we argued about whether or not either of us would be able to live with the guilt and even though he tried to reassure me that it was just a clump of cells and wouldn’t suffer, I still believed in my heart that it was the wrong choice. We ended up driving to a clinic in California twice to terminate the pregnancy but due to either fate or coincidence I measured too far along for the type of procedure they offered and I used that as my excuse to get the hell out of there and never look back. As time went on and my baby grew from an apricot to a kiwi to a kumquat to a muskmelon and beyond, I began to get more and more attached to this little being inside of me and became more and more stressed out and terrified about what I was actually going to do about this whole impending motherhood thing. As each tiny flutter of what might have just been gas mistaken for movement grew steadily into what turned into unmistakable kicks and stretches and punches to the rib cage and my bladder, I fell further in love with the little glob that I got to see forming every few weeks on the ultrasound screen. I remember being amazed that I could see the spine and just looking at the face and tiny little hands and fingers curling and uncurling and being in total awe. Amanda came with me to almost all of my OBGYN appointments and when I finally got to find out the gender I closed my eyes and let the nurse show Amanda first.

IT’S A GIRL! I could not have been happier in that moment. She was a girl. Deep down I think I already knew she was a she but it was still exciting to know for sure. As I came nearer and nearer to my due date, which was August 28th 2015, I got even more scared of what the future held. I started to believe that it was impossible for me to keep my daughter and raise her all by myself so I did the only other thing I knew to do- I contacted an adoption agency. I ended up meeting a very kind and understanding woman in the lobby of a Starbucks and after discussing the ins and outs of what adoption is all about, I was sent back home with a stack of books made by hopeful families for me to pick through and a little book of frequently asked questions about adoption. I started reading about the different homes that I could place my daughter in and imagining what kind of life she would have in each one and after some serious thought and consideration I landed on a gay couple from Las Vegas. Shortly after I told my adoption case worker that I would like to move forward with that particular couple, I ended up flying back to Michigan to move home so that I could be with my family during the last few weeks of my pregnancy and have them be there for the birth. Even though I had chosen what I considered to be the best family I could have possibly found to raise my daughter, I still struggled with the idea of giving away my baby that I had carried inside me for so many months and loved so unbearably much and leaving the hospital empty handed. Every time I thought about that moment where I would have to say goodbye, I found myself unable to let her go. Even though I knew there were many things that this other family could offer her that I wouldn’t be able to, like trips around the world and a life of luxury, I still believed that I was meant to be with my daughter. Once I was back in Michigan I decided to cut off contact with the adoption agency and the potential family. The caseworker continued to text me asking for updates and eventually after realizing that I got cold feet she moved on to instead text me to lend me support in whatever decision I was making, which was very nice of her. I did feel a great deal of guilt for essentially ghosting on a really awesome family that had been waiting to adopt for over two years, but I finally felt content with my choice to keep my baby and I was happy to finally come to what I felt was the right conclusion. Whatever it took, I was going to make motherhood work for me. In the middle of the night on August 10th 2015, I woke up to the feeling of my insides being crushed in a death grip intermittently on and off and knew that it was time to get my ass to the ER. The baby was on her way! I rushed to the hospital and immediately upon arrival I begged for/demanded an epidural. I was told that I would have to wait approximately 20 minutes for a bag of fluids to go through my IV first and seeing as I was having a contraction every other minute, I calculated that I would have to endure ten more contractions before finally getting relief. Thankfully, God must have heard my prayers because after the tenth and final minute-long moment of the most unbearable and intense pain imaginable, a nurse finally came in with the longest needle I’ve ever seen in my life and jabbed it into my spine. Right as she inserted it, my water broke. It took a few minutes before my entire left side was completely numb and once I voiced my concern that I could still feel the other half of my body they propped my onto my side and eventually I could feel nothing from my boobs down. My mother showed up, along with my friend Casey and feeling sleepy I decided to rest my eyes and take a nap while I waited to dilate to a 10. A few hours later I was woken up and informed that it was time to push! There was a big mirror propped up so that I had an immaculate view of my own vagina and the top of my daughters head peeking out of it. A nurse gave her a little mohawk and I gave my first push. Her little head stuck out a little and then sucked back inside me and it took four pushes to launch her little chicken cutlet resembling body out of me and into the arms of the doctor. My perfect, bloody, goopy, screaming baby was born! I remember someone handing her naked little body over to me and placing her on my chest and I just kept thinking about how gross she was covered in whatever else was floating around inside my belly with her and I wished that someone would wash her off. I was surprised to see that she was not the cute little infant I was expecting, but some smushed, purple colored creature that was using those tiny lungs to voice her displeasure with being ejected from her home in my belly. Eventually she was cleaned off and dried up and she started looking more and more adorable. I took a picture of her in her first little purple hospital knitted hat and showed her off to everyone on social media. I was so in love with her and I knew in my heart that there was nothing that would ever break the bond we had with each other. August 10th 2015, the day that Charlie Mackenzie Sonego was brought into existence. The day that I became a mother. The very best day of my entire life.

It’s hard to believe that that day was almost two years ago. I look at my daughter now and it’s almost impossible to believe that she was the same baby that I was so nervous to take home with me from the hospital. She was so fragile and perfect, I was terrified that I wasn’t going to know what to do or how to take care of her. Somehow those mothering instincts just kicked in full force and I was able to learn how to do the diaper changes and the feedings and know how to keep her safe and alive with relative ease. Looking at her today, a toddler with all of her teeth and a mop of untamed curls on her head that reaches halfway down her back when wet, its mind blowing to compare this version of Charlie with the newborn version. Being a mother has gotten so much easier in some aspects, like now she is old enough to occupy herself by playing on my phone and watching her favorite songs play on YouTube. She even knows most of the dance moves that go along with each song! One of her favorites is Happy and You Know It. Shes talking more and more every day, sometimes babbling but she knows some words so far like mama, buh-buh, shoes, eyes, hi, bye, ducks, no, and poop! She loves to watch shows on TV and Netflix, especially Sophia the First and Trolls and The Lion Guard. She likes to color, both on the bath tub with her bath crayons and on paper with regular ones. One of her favorite things to do with her Mama is go play at the park and go down slides together and also going swimming at the pool. She can throw her own dirty diaper in the trash and can say please in sign language. She wakes up every morning and calls for her Mama to come get her out of her pack and play, even though I know for a fact that she can get out by herself because I’ve witnessed it with my own eyes. For some reason she is inexplicably fascinated with brushing her teeth and I have a hard time getting the toothbrush away from her after shes finished brushing. All in all, her personality is big and expressive and she gives me a reason and a purpose for living. The world just seems brighter with her in it. I see so much pure happiness inside of her and I pray that nothing ever stifles it. So that is my update. What is new in my life these days? Motherhood, and all of the crazy adventures that comes with it. It’s been a wild two years and I would not change a single thing.

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