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tsukimefuku · 2 months

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old regrets and guilt ridden pasts ꕥ higuruma hiromi

this part → part 2 → part 3 (soon) | mdni!

summary: you and hiromi are sent out on a mission to exorcize a strong curse at an abandoned hospital. as hiromi has to use his domain to strip you from your cursed technique, things start to go downhill.

tags: +18!, starts out with an explicit! sex scene, some smut, f!reader, established relationship higuruma x reader, reader is kind of emotionally stunted, mentions of death, grief, yuuji and nanami make an appearance, implied past nanami x reader, overall angst, fluff, hurt + comfort.

wc: 3.9k

notes etc.: heavy spoilers for "sand and snow" readers. written to the sound of nothing in my way (keane). as always, i write flawed characters that can (and will) sometimes be assholes.

ꕥ collection of stories: "jujutsu partners au" → masterlist for fics listed in chronological order of events

The day had been pleasant. You and Hiromi shared a lazy Sunday with no missions or jujutsu sorcery whatsoever, watched a few movies on TV, talked and spent time together. He tried teaching you principles of criminal law, but you understood virtually nothing.

After a few glasses of wine, though, your hand wound up on his thighs, his lips on your neck, and well, here you were.

You were splayed in front of him, propping up your body with your arms, and his abdomen was pressed sweaty against your back, as he rolled himself into you. Hiromi had one hand on your thigh, and the other supported him over your trembling body.

"Ah, Hiro-" you gasped, in between mewls and moans, turning your chin over your shoulder, just so you could ask him to move, making it easier for you to come undone over him.

He huffed, warm, humid breath pressed against the hair in the back of your neck, as he answered with a husky voice, "yes, my love?"

He had called you that once or twice before, but this time, it swirled and tangled itself around you like divine rope, drowning you in molasses. The request you had lingering went straight to the back of your mind, as you moaned to the sound of his gravely, breathless voice calling you 'my love'.

"Call me that again," you pleaded, whimpering, while you felt him brushing against the deepest parts of you.

"Ah, my love..." Hiromi repeated, an audible smile while he spoke, nuzzling his gorgeous hooked nose behind your neck as he planted wet kisses wherever his lips passed. "My love, my love, my love…" His mouth traveled to the back of your shoulder, and you lifted your head to moan his name, shivers prickling on the roots of every hair in your body.

He kept cooing my love against you until his speech became nothing but incoherent mumbling against your bare, sensitive skin.

Before you noticed, his hand, previously on your thigh, descended to rub you as he approached his own release, and upon the pressure from his digits on you, already sensitive by then, you let out a strained moan of his name.

Hiromi came with a watery groan, having you tip over the edge some time after, letting out a last cry for him.

As you were navigating your euphoric ecstasy, trying to keep the comedown at bay for a few moments longer, both falling to the side with him pulling your body closer, you felt him whispering against your locks.

Even though you couldn't be sure about it, you thought you heard Hiromi say I love you.

***

"I have to go," he said, playfully trying to untangle your arms from his waist, kissing your cheek with the sultry smell of fresh black coffee breath. You were both in your balcony, the breakfast plates empty over the only chair you had, and you giggled and kissed his jawline insistently.

"Why do you have to go?" You asked, parting slightly to look at Hiromi. As he looked back at you, you formed a pout with your lower lip, and he smiled, planting a quick kiss on your mouth.

"Because I have to water the sunflower you gave me," he replied, lovingly.

"Why don’t you just bring your sunflower here? You basically sleep here the entire week now. You should bring some clothes too, and other things you might need" you replied, liberating his waist from your tight grip on his body, crossing your arms in front of your chest.

Then you realized what that sounded like.

He also did.

"Are you... Asking me to move in with you?" He questioned, and you instantly blushed, red wash covering your cheeks.

"I... Just bring the sunflower already. I-" you stuttered, "just don't want you to leave every single morning to take care of it and change into clean clothes."

Hiromi put both of his hands on your shoulders and smiled fondly. "I will, I promise," he answered, as he kissed your forehead with a feathery touch. You smiled at him, and let your arms down, aligning his tie with the tips of your fingers. At that, he sighed contently.

It was then that you remembered what you thought you heard last night.

"Hey, Hiromi..." you began.

"Yes, my love?" He replied, sugary tone as he brought one of his hands up to caress your cheek.

You quivered to the sound of that, just like you did the night before.

"Yesterday, after we..." you cleared your throat, feeling a faint sense of trepidation creeping over you, "did you whisper or say anything? I mean, I thought I heard something."

He widened his eyes a little, and you could swear his face had become a light peachy pink. You kept silent, waiting for an answer, and his mouth opened, without a sound coming from it, as he blinked mindlessly thinking of anything to say.

Words failed him, hard.

Then, your phone rang.

You cursed internally at the interruption, sighing deeply.

Grasping at it with the tips of your fingers, you pulled the thing out of your pocket, seeing Gojo's name lit up on the screen.

Pressing the green icon, you said, "yes, Satoru? I was kind of in the middle of something."

"Hey!" His whimsical voice echoed through your ear. "So, we have a mission for you and Higuruma, and I'd like to ask for you to take Yuuji along."

"Oh, okay, no problem. What is it?"

"There's apparently a Grade 1 curse in a closed-down hospital, just by the outskirts of Tokyo. You or Higuruma alone would suffice, but I want Yuuji to train coordinating himself with other sorcerers in the field, so the more, the merrier! Also, you are both great at it, so he might actually learn a thing or two."

You smiled, noticing how this enthusiasm wasn't purely a facade. Gojo had been slowly — but surely — been chipping away at his frivolous-smile persona, and it became evident in how he sounded genuinely thrilled when talking about his students.

"Okay! I'll be delighted to have him tagging along."

"Alright, then!"

You hung up, and darted your eyes to Higuruma, that seemed curious about your call.

"We have a mission together. Just let me get ready" you stated, and he hoped for a second that you had forgotten the question you made moments before the phone rang.

You hadn't.

***

"Nitta, we'll be right back! Please, take care. This area seems kind of shady" you said, as you, Higuruma and Yuuji stepped outside the car.

The blonde woman turned her head to smile at you, giving you a thumbs up. "No worries. Also, I'm bringing the veil down right after you go inside. Even if we're a little far from the huzz buzz of Tokyo, it's better to be safe than sorry."

You nodded. "Great. Thank you, Nitta."

After closing the doors, the three of you began walking towards the hospital. It was a considerably big structure, and seemed to be closed off for at least a few years, with the unforgiving weather weaving black cracks of mold across the sleeping giant’s facade.

"So, are you excited?" You asked, turning your head to look at Yuuji. He looked back at you, big puppy eyes flickering with anticipation.

"Yes!" He chirped, opening a wide smile. "I really want to see you and Mr. Higuruma fighting together on the field, I heard you two are mad strong working together."

Barely before Hiromi began taking missions on his own, and after working together for some time, you both became something of a legendary duo for having exorcized a particularly strong special grade curse side by side in a sequence of black flashes — you both had dealt three black flashes each.

Hiromi silently smiled, gazing at you, and after noticing it, you couldn't help but blush a little bit. You shook your head softly, and breathed deeply to ease yourself back into professional mode.

"So, Yuuji-kun," you began, enunciating every syllable separately.

"Yes, sensei?" He replied, imitating your cadence.

"Let's have a quick run through on cursed spirits again, shall we?"

"Okay!"

"So, why do you think a strong cursed spirit manifested here, inside a closed off hospital?" You quizzed.

"Because cursed spirits manifest due to negative emotions, and places like hospitals, cemeteries and such pool a lot of those" He answered.

"Good! But this hospital has been closed off for a while, so what do you think could've happened for a cursed spirit to manifest here currently?"

"There are two options. First, it took some time for the negative energy to concentrate enough for it to appear," he began, "and the second is that this spirit had already been exorcized, but after a while, it respawned."

"Yes, yes, good," you answered, nodding, trying to keep a straight face to mask the proud feeling. "But there is a third option!"

"Oh, is there?" He inquired, whipping his head in your direction.

"Yes! If this is an almost special grade curse, like some we all have faced in the past, then it could've spawned elsewhere and come here out of its own volition" you completed, finger extended up beside your face to make your point.

"Oh, true!" He replied.

"So, which one do you both think it is?" Hiromi asked, as he mindlessly swirled his gavel around his fingers, the crunch of leaves and dirt under your feet filling the air.

As the three of you entered what you liked to call the invisible cloud, the point where the energy emanated by the cursed spirit around its area seemed to hit like a whiff of strong air, similar to the forming winds of a tornado, you sighed, putting your hands in your pockets.

"It's strong, but not that strong. I'd place my bets on the first or second options."

***

"There is no time to argue, Hiromi, I need to go in there with Yuuji and I need you to use your domain on me!"

The curse had its own kind of veil, from what you all could tell, and the only people allowed inside were those who apparently had no innate cursed technique. Yuuji easily peered his hand inside its realm, and so did Nitta, apart from her protests of being used as a lab rat.

"Judgeman can pick any random crime to judge, I have no say in that" he hesitantly answered. "It can be a serious offense, worthy of the death penalty. I'd just like to avoid that happening" he concluded, voice simmering with hesitancy hitting the back of his throat.

"I'm not a contumacious criminal, and you can go easy on me when it's your time to speak. Come on. We can do this!" You tried reassuring him, one hand planted to each of his shoulders. "I can't let Yuuji go in there alone, I'm responsible for him. He's my student, and a teenager."

"You sound just like Nanamin" Yuuji complained more to himself than anyone else, crossing his arms on his chest, still mumbling. I'm not a kid.

"Hiromi, please."

He sighed deeply before nodding.

"Itadori, I'll need you to step behind."

The boy acquiesced and distanced himself, as the other sorcerer stepped his way into your direction and expanded his domain, drawing you in.

No matter how many times you got pulled into other sorcerer's domains, going in was always a jarring and disorienting experience, overall.

In a few short moments, you and Hiromi were standing facing each other, and you sighed deeply at the sight of that shikigami, remembering that the last time you saw it, the thing gave you one hell of a headache.

Or better, it and Hiromi did, when he was still a curse user.

"Fine, let's go on with this" you stated, getting ready to hear yet another possible (or not) misdemeanor or unknown crime you might've committed.

But you weren't ready for the words that left the shikigami's mouth.

"February 24th, 2008."

That date.

"Odate City, Akita Prefecture."

Oh, no.

Your eyes widened in panic, and Hiromi saw it.

You could visualize his lips moving, he was talking to you. Perhaps asking if you were alright.

However, you heard nothing.

"You stand accused of homicide against-"

You didn't need to hear the rest.

"I confess. I killed him."

Whatever Hiromi was speaking suddenly drowned in his chest. You looked at him, and he tried futilely holding your faltering gaze to ask you what the hell was going on, shocked eyes wide open, but you just crawled your way back inside your head, desperately wishing for this fucking day to be immediately over.

"Confiscation! Death penalty!" The creature shouted, before dissipating away.

That little shit.

And then… It all happened in a split second.

Hiromi saw the Executioner's Sword in his hand. Yuuji began asking what the hell is going on under bated, preoccupied and terrified breath. You nearly lost your balance before coming back to your senses.

Hiromi immediately dispelled his technique, feeling equal parts mortified and disgusted to be holding that against you.

"Why did you-" the former lawyer began, extending his hand your way.

You flinched away, eyes glued to the ground.

"Not now. I have to go in with Yuuji and finish exorcizing this curse."

"My lo… Please" Hiromi pleaded, before exhaling slowly. "Be careful."

"I will."

***

Hiromi sat beside you, as Yuuji looked worried from afar, since you were never one to be so unbearably quiet and aloof.

The sorcerer knew you were finding it incredibly hard to speak right now, and when everyone got back to Jujutsu High, all you did was sit at the base of the stairs, not uttering a single sound, and not following them when they began walking upstairs.

Hiromi stayed quiet, gazing at you, and held your hand to see if you'd react.

You didn't move, frozen in your spot, feelings hurricaning inside you like a blizzard. You feared that, if you moved, even a single inch, you'd come crumbling down.

"My love, please, talk to me."

You couldn't do anything other than shake your head.

You just couldn't.

Hell, breathing was barely manageable under the broken dam of painful memories flooding your mind all at once.

Hiromi sighed, ever so patient, aware of what he had to do. He didn't particularly appreciate the idea, but it was his only option then.

"Tell me the truth" he began, "is it me that you need by your side right now?" Hiromi asked, earnestly.

Your lips trembled for a moment, your jaw clenched, and you searched for the strength to find your voice again. When you did, you felt horrible for what you knew you were about to say, but you chose to honor your promise to Hiromi — always tell him the truth, even when it hurt.

Truth is, you had never told him about your brother and all that happened at Odate, and right now, you knew you couldn't muster up the strength to explain it all to him. It would be necessary to make Hiromi understand the depths of the emotional struggles that had been at stake ever since his shikigami bestowed upon you the death penalty.

Only one person could talk you through this.

"No, it’s not."

He resigned, feeling the words piercing him like needles. The sorcerer was aware that he had to talk to you about it, but decided to do it at a later time.

At that very moment, he knew what you needed to talk about, and Nanami was the only person you'd speak to.

Hiromi got on his feet and walked towards Yuuji.

"Is there anything I can do to help?" The boy asked, genuinely concerned.

"Itadori, can you please call Nanami? Tell him it's important, that it's about her, and ask him to come" Hiromi stated.

Yuuji nodded and pulled his phone, immediately starting to dial.

After the call, Hiromi asked if you wanted to be alone, to which you nodded. He and Yuuji walked upstairs as you waited — for Nanami or for this feeling to go away, whatever happened first.

Some time passed before a car stopped in front of you.

As Nanami got out of it, he looked at you, and you had a completely defeated look on your face as you were still sitting on the same spot ever since you got there an hour prior.

He closed the door behind him and made his way towards you, steady stride taking him to meet you at the steps, as he, himself, descended, sitting by your side. He didn't glance at you, choosing to look at the sky after removing his glasses, putting them inside his blazer's pocket, and waited patiently.

Nanami had done this many times before, and knew you usually only needed some peace, quiet and space in order to begin spilling your ruminations and thoughts all over his ears.

With a sigh, you began.

"I got sentenced to death today for killing my brother. Wonderful day."

Nanami was instantly taken aback, not grasping what you were on about.

"Could you please clarify?"

You shuffled uncomfortably.

"We were fighting a curse, and long story short, only people without innate cursed techniques could enter its own brand of veil in order to fight it. I asked Hiromi to use his domain on me, so that Itadori wouldn't go in alone, and I was tried for my brother's death."

The sorcerer had some knowledge as to how Higuruma's domain worked, and it still didn't make sense to him. He knew that Higuruma didn't pick the crime to be tried, as it was chosen at random by his shikigami, and also knew there were two possible different penalties, confiscation and death sentence, the second reserved for the most serious of cases, which granted Higuruma the executioner's sword.

He also remembered very distinctly how your brother died, and knew for a fact that you weren't culpable for his death.

"I apologize, but I still don't understand how that could've happened" he proceeded.

"I..." you stuttered, "I confessed."

Oh.

"Why did you confess?" Nanami asked, voice lowering softly.

You looked at him, and in an instant diverted your gaze back to the ground.

"He died because of me, to save me. He sacrificed himself in a gamble for me to live."

"That doesn't make you culpable" he answered, his voice a mixture of empathetic and objective.

"Why not? He's still dead, and I'm still the reason he died."

You leaned your arms to hug your knees shortly after you said that, physically holding your pieces together.

“You're aware he’d wish you to be happy and at peace after he was gone, right?” Nanami asked.

“And that’s the worst part!” You let out, now finally choked on tears that wouldn't come, allowing your fragments to burst at the seams.

Relief, however, was slow to come, and your chest still was tight around your heavy heart.

Nanami was surprised at your response, and remained silent, so that you had the time you needed to elaborate on your feelings.

"I… I know he’d want me to be happy, so now I don’t just feel sad for his departure, but I feel guilty for not being able to fulfill his wish, to just be happy after his death."

You sighed tightly, trying to air out that wrenching sensation. It didn't work.

"I feel guilty for not being able to fulfill his dying wish. It's like... I failed him in every single way imaginable."

Nanami gave it a pause before he spoke again.

"I understand."

"You... do? I'm not crazy for feeling like that?" You inquired, looking at him.

Nanami shook his head. "No. Navigating grief is a hard challenge, and it can show itself in many ways, often nonsensical."

"I can't imagine how people deal with grief without undoing themselves every time they have to face it" you blurted out.

Looking at you, his eyes softened, as he said, "sometimes, they end up undoing other people in the process."

That caught your attention, and you looked back at him.

With half a mind to distract yourself from the pain regarding the loss of your twin, you unconsciously decided to poke at another kind of ache, one that you hadn't touched upon ever since you and the sorcerer in front of you had defeated the Lover's Pass curse.

"Kento, why-" you halted for a brief second. "Can I call you Kento?"

He smiled so discreetly you nearly missed it. "Yes."

Acclimating yourself to it, you proceeded.

"Kento, why did you shove me away like that after we spent a night together?" You asked him, unsure if you really wanted to know the answer to that question.

Nanami sighed and looked down for a while before he answered you.

"I was... Frightened."

That definitely took you unexpectedly, and you looked at him puzzled.

"Of what?"

"Dying and leaving you behind."

He sighed before allowing himself to proceed.

"No, that's not all of it."

Nanami took a few seconds to muster up the courage to admit the not-so noble part of his reasoning for doing what he'd done.

"I was afraid of the pain I'd endure if you died, too."

"Afraid of me dying? That was your reason?" You felt genuinely confused. "Why was that even a reason to push me away? This is a risk just as much now. I'm still a jujutsu sorcerer, you know."

"Yu Haibara" was everything he could say, involuntarily pinching the bridge of his nose, impassive face concealing the sting of pain that came from the depths of his past.

"Your friend?"

You remembered when Nanami told you about the mission where his partner died. How they were both chased by the town's people that treated the curse like a deity, how Haibara was fatally wounded, and how Nanami helplessly tried to flee taking Haibara with him, unable to do a single thing to save his best friend's life.

"Yes. At the time, I had only met a few older sorcerers who died in the field, and dying while on a mission myself felt somewhat like a foreign concept to me. I was young and just saw it as an abstract possibility of being a jujutsu sorcerer" Kento said. You waited quietly for him to proceed, collecting his thoughts.

"When he died, I felt his death deeper than any other that had happened up until that point," Nanami began, now turning his eyes to look at you as he said his next words, "and when I failed your mission years ago, it felt quite like the same. That distinct sense of helplessness and failure."

You were both silent for a moment, letting it all hang in the air.

"I thought that if I kept my distance, and something happened to either of us, it wouldn't hurt so profoundly for me or for you" he concluded.

Upon hearing that, you shook your head and looked away, smiling bitterly and incredulous.

"Well, that's just stupid."

He huffed, with a regretful, quitted expression on his face. "Yes, I know that now. But it seemed to make sense then."

After a few moments, gentle and polite, Kento got up and offered you his hand.

You took it and lifted yourself with his help, feeling like his unwavering serenity could somehow be passed over to you from that brief contact alone.

"Thank you" you murmured, nearly whispering.

"Whenever you need my assistance" he answered, fondly.

It felt like the film that had been suffocating you ever since you stepped out of Hiromi's domain was finally removed, and you could breathe in peace again.

Tag list (that I keep forgetting, sorry): @yammy-yammy-yama @g-kleran @otomesass @redlikerozez

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hollyhomburg · 1 year

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Before I Leave You (Pt.52)

(Omegaverse au, Mafia au, Bts x Reader)

Summary: Jimin and Jungkook might not be the /best/ at giving you aftercare, but what they lack in execution they make up for in sheer determination. Sometimes, love is the best medicine.

Tags: Sub drop, Angst, Self-deprecating thoughts, Self-esteem issues, Hurt, comfort, Tears, sex scene Negotiations, vibrators, voyeurism, pleasure-dom jimin, pillow princess m/c, discussions of past sexual and physical abuse (nothing that i don’t believe hasn’t been touched on prior), mentions of death, medical stuff,

W/c: 8.6k

A/n: Ah, this is a chapter, am i the most proud of it? no. but thats okay! i hope people will like the hurt/comfort! i think i needed to write something like this for bily. i know bily is long but! this is probably one of the most intimate chapters i’ve written so i like it for that fact, and all the subtext in it!

Previous Chapter - Masterlist

Yoongi’s not waiting in the house for you when you get back from the gym. He’s not even waiting on the porch. No- he’s on the street, eyes frantic and flannel misbuttoned like he’s been listening for the grumble screech of Jimin’s car. Like he started walking down the street the second he heard it.

He hardly even wants to wait for it to thud to a halt. The smell of metal and gasoline gunks up your stuffy nose, keeping you from scenting him. His hands are so soft on you when he makes to pull you out of the car and Jungkook’s lap although the omega clings to you. A half-affronted noise leaves his throat. bereft as you’re transferred from one packmate to another.

But Jungkook would never deny Yoongi this.

Your mates’ hands shake, trembling when they cup the back of your neck. “Oh- my little sweetheart- I’ve got you- I’ve got you-”

Truer words have never been spoken. He effortlessly lifts you out of the car and into his arms. You’re little more than a puppet, a doll underneath your mates’ hands as you reach for him and are rewarded.

Your nose feels rubbed raw either from the scents of everyone at the gym or your own sobs that tear through your throat. The sound is as rough as sandpaper and as quiet as the pea gravel that clinks against their sneakers as they ferry you into the house. But the soothing smell of chocolate feels like pure relief when he tucks your face into his throat.

Jimin leaves his car parked cockeyed in favor of shooting out of it to usher you and Yoongi inside, hand on your back. Jungkook’s close behind. Big hand closing around the tips of your fingers.

There has never been a prettier safer house than your and Yoongi’s home. Finally- you can smell your packmates, and it’s that alone that starts your comedown. You finally feel a little bit safe. Here where evidence of the people who live and love you clings to the floorboards and the strawberry-patterned tea cloths. and push away dangerous ideas that hover on the edge of your consciousness like vultures.

Here you go, making a big deal out of nothing again. Here you go making them love you less. You should accept your alphas criticism without all this fanfair- what kind of omega can’t handle such a simple correction? Geumjae would have hit you harder and you wouldn’t have been nearly as upset. You should punish yourself more to make up for it-

You barely remember the moments you spent leaving the gym; Memories strung together like mismatched socks on a close line.

A face you don’t know well enough to recognize yet- Wonho maybe. “I told you to make sure she didn’t hurt herself kook” “It’s not that kind of hurt hyung.”

Jimin’s barely leashed growl as he came too close. Too threatening and forghein to Jimin's grating senses. There is nothing more dangerous to an alpha than a strange not-packmate coming close to a distressed omega.

He was ready to flatten Wonho, But luckily he didn't have to. Hopefully the other omega won’t hold it against you later.

You remember Jungkook getting you into the back of the car. Wrapping his arms around your back when you curled up as tight as possible. You remember Jungkook telling Jimin to drive fast. His cheek laid over your shoulder, already trying to cuddle the sadness away.

You remember lurching into motion before Jimin could even touch the gas pedal. Frantic, shaking your head. Begging him not to. Shaking so hard you could hardly see.

He’d kept you at a reasonable speed even though his whole body was trembling too. Eyes more on the rearview mirror and you and Jungkook in the back seat than on the road.

You’re still shaking. It doesn’t stop when Yoongi puts you into Jin and Jungkook’s nest. Jungkook immediately begins to fluff the covers. Pulling items closer to you that the other omega deems of particular comfort; Namjoon’s favorite pillow. Hobi’s sweatshirt. Jin’s favorite yellow blanket; the mustard yellow companion to your thick blue duvet that's in the other room.

Even as Yoongi gets you situated, whipping away your tears with his sleeve and clutching you close. Like if he just keeps your head tucked below his chin then nothing bad can happen to you.

Jimin pulls back the covers so that you and Yoongi can get in and when you do-

The fluff of it is safe, blissfully so.

A safe little cavern of warmth and softness and pack that your mate places you into. You’re still crying, still curled up as tight as you can. But the reverence with which they treat your curled form is almost enough for the bleak nameless awfulness to leak out and warmth to take its place. Jungkook tugs himself along your spine and Yoongi teeters, one knee in the nest. Jimin darts out the door, clearly having something else in mind.

Jungkook looks up at Yoongi. “She needs-“

“Chocolate,” your mate says. Every Dom is well acquainted with the tiny bundles of serotonin found in gold foil, as holy and easily given as communion. Subs always get chocolate after a scene. It's one of Yoongi's rules. It even applies to Jungkook. Even when it might trigger a seizure. The pack has learned that certain things are worth the compromise.

A drop is something that they’ve all felt at one point- Dom drop too although that predicament is substantially less common. But Jungkook has never witnessed anyone drop quite this bad. (You’re still crying so hard. Hard enough that there’s a knot building in Jungkook’s own chest). He's never been in the position to take charge and take care of them the way the others might.

Now- he wants to do more than that. He wants to be the first one you turn to for comfort, the one in control of getting you back to normal.

“And water-“

Jungkook’s fluffy hair flops as he shakes his head, “not water-“

“Lemonade?” Jungkook nods, pout disappearing as Yoongi is properly ordered about.

The basket that Jimin carries is nearly as tall as his torso and twice as wide, packed several inches higher with mismatched blankets and soft things. Filled to the brim with every last nesting blanket that the pack keeps in the hallway closet. He places it on the edge of the bed softly so as to not startle you and then-

Promptly dumps it out on top of you.

Light filters down past cotton and soft down feathers, obscuring Jimin and the sound of his voice, muffled by the layers and layers of fabric. “I put the big one in the drier, it should be warm in a few minutes.” Jungkook behind you fidgets happily, the small murrr he lets out ascent and praise enough as he begins to fuss and build a nest around you. The walls higher, safer.

Jungkook, Jimin, and Yoongi operate as a perfectly oiled machine. Yoongi goes to get you food and Jimin replaces him. As pitiful as you might be, as pathetic as you might look (sniffling, face all blotchy and hot feeling underneath their touch) You have never been in better hands as Jimin settles you.

An alpha, omega, and beta a piece- it’s almost as good as your whole pack.

Jungkook falls into a purring nesting fury as you sniffle. Fluffing the nesting things around you until you resemble some sort of cozy flower. Each of the blankets is a careful petal placed just so, keeping you safe and snug inside until you're ready to bloom.

Jimin shucks off his sweatshirt, his arms are warm and fuzzy underneath your nose as he holds himself close but not too close.

Alphas. You’re sensitive to them- are you not? Can your fractious brain recognize that Jimin’s not a threat? Worry gnaws at his wrists. Nests are meant to be the safest place for omega’s. While this one isn’t yours technically, still-

Jimin will understand if he’s not the person you want to comfort you through this.

You’ve never seen Jimin this timid as he sets one hand on your head, rubbing through, a comforting growl tugging from his chest- keeping a little bit of a distance between you in case you’re not ready for it and-

And you don’t want it. You don’t want a single inch between you.

You want him wrapped around you so tight that you can’t tell where your body begins and his ends. You want him to want to hold you like he needs you. You want him to hold you like you could never do anything wrong because you know how far from the truth that is.

Everytime this happens you wonder if this is the time they decide that you're too much to handle. If this is the meltdown that will estrange them from you.

What request could it be that might tip the scale out of your favor? What is too much love when compared to not enough? Don't both leave a sour taste in your mouth? Namjoon and Hobi last night is only part of it- they're only part of what you’re guilty of.

But Jimin, hovering over you, is the one person who might share your fate.

The sheer terror that the truth will poison the ones you love. the idea that everything you have is only one truth away from disappearing. He at least- can understand what this particular kind of regret and fear feels like.

But It’s okay. It’s okay because Jimin probably doesn’t want to hug you anyways. You don’t want affection if it’s forced. The best you can do is hope not to be a burden, Jimin is probably at the end of his rope with you- always trailing after him and Tae.

You quake beneath his sky touches; petting down your hair and cupping your wet cheek to wipe away the fresh wetness. Your lower lip trembling, face crumbling again. He's being painfully gentle, not hard and anchoring like you want him to be.

Jimin’s shaking with the effort of holding himself back. Jimin has always been able to subvert his needs for his packmates just like you. But his leash on himself is tightly pulled right now.

Luckily Jungkook notices the reason for your shaking. A keen builds in your throat. Your omega reacting to Jimin’s presence without your say so. You're two seconds away from letting out an embarrassingly needy chirp when He pokes his head up out of the blanket, glaring at Jimin-

“Minnie- I swear to god if you don’t hug her right fucking now-“

No sooner has the order been given than Jimin is crushing you. All the hard and pretty edges of him cradling you into being. Your knees pressed to his knees, the rumble of his growl pressed to the top of your head and the feeling of him inhaling pressing to your chest. Strong arms around your shoulders.

Jungkook pulls his body back along your back, your behind nestled in the cradle of his hips. Until you're completely covered by the both of them, any spare inch not cuddled and touched and loved is protected by the blankets too.

Your breath still isn’t coming right and you’re still crying so hard that your ears hurt. So hard that it feels like the skin of your face is hot underneath the tears, you know it must be the most unattractive thing in the universe. And yet-

And yet Jimin nuzzles into the side of your face. Fingers tickling your collarbones, “Breathe in for me.” A simple command. You follow it, chest inhaling, pushing against Jimin’s palm. “Again.”

It’s easy to breathe because he wants you to. And only because Jimin wants it. You’re good aren’t you good.

“Good pup” You sag against him, and he soothes you with more of that, endless grumble growls of “good puppy, such a good omega for us, doing so well.” Falling from his lips.

“Jesus” Yoongi says when he comes into the room and finds the nest a mess, the pile of blankets arranged on top of the three of you. Nothing more than air holes and misplaced limbs that let him know the configuration of your bodies. It’s hard for him to muscle his way in, but he plucks a pillow from the side and is rewarded by Jungkook’s face and the top of your head ruffled from Jimin’s copious scent as he drags his cheek up and down. Jungkook whines petulantly at being discovered.

“Alright, up. I know you want to smother her but she needs chocolate and shit.”

Yoongi would be worried, more insistent that he be wrapped around you too- but your scent is slowly mellowing. The tense tugging down his mating bond doesn’t feel quite so taught. (At least not like it did earlier when he was finishing the drawer knobs upstairs. Your dropping felt like someone dragging their nails down the nape of his neck. Like the drop in temperature before a storm or a plunge on a rollercoaster. The lurch when your feet misplace a step).

He’d known before Jungkook called.

Despite all the love you can’t seem to stop crying. At least it’s gentler now. Jimin kisses your wet cheeks. Your tears living and dying on his mouth as he kisses each one away diligently. And then the feeling of his warm tongue, darting out kittenish as he cleans your face free of the memory of sadness with soft small licks.

It’s a little wet and a little gross, but Jimin’s hair tickles your forehead, nose nudging yours as he works. It's not exactly grooming per say but close enough. The soothing rumble growl of his chest sends you down and down. Turning your sobs to sniffles.

“Open up sweetheart” Eyelashes fluttering, Your chin gets nudged up by Yoongi’s hands. His fingers gently pinch your cheeks and guide your mouth to fall open obediently. Yoongi places a small piece of chocolate on your tongue, the inch squares broken in half then half again. A big cup and straw with icy lemonade soothes your hot throat. Jimin’s soft licks continue when your mouth is occupied, licks that grow into hungry kisses when he finds a bit of chocolate on the corner of your mouth and licks there.

Jungkook looks as stern as you’ve ever seen him, holding the lemonade cup threateningly. “You’re going to stay right here, you’re going to let us love you until you don’t feel so shitty, and only then- will we let you out of the nest, okay? Pack's orders.”

Yoongi jostles Jimin and the alpha pulls himself a little more on top of you to give him an inch edgewise. Feilding complaints of “you know I get supreme cuddle priority where this is concerned.” He grumbles, but lets your mate manhandle you until you’re placed gently on top of his chest. (If this is what babying by three separate packmates is like- you can’t imagine what it would feel like from all seven.)

You try to duck back below of the edge of the covers but Jungkook doesn’t let you, making a soft noise and bending over to kiss at the corner of your mouth. “Why does Minnie get to lick all the chocolate-“

“Oh, be quiet kookie” Yoongi’s finger hooks into his mouth- shoving a bigger piece that he crunches on through his laughs.

Another square. Another sip. They don’t make you talk, but soon all you want is another kiss. Jimin’s lips work on your throat nudging pleasant pheromones from your scent gland and cleaning you of the grainy film of sadness. While Jungkook and Yoongi trade your mouth between the two of them.

Jungkook’s tongue tastes like chocolate, just like Yoongi’s. It’s dizzying and slowly gets hotter as your bodies warm up the nest. Jimin's hands slide up your ribcage, holding you in place as he laps at your throat. Leaving your scent gland pink and sensitive and utterly normal smelling under his mouth.

Every chocolate square earns you another kiss until you’ve almost eaten the whole bar. “You’re going to make my lips chapped.” Jungkook hums through another kiss but recognizes that it’s a wet confession. You’re still sniffling.

“Too bad. It's what you deserve.” He says matter of factly, swallowing your protest with another kiss. Yoongi makes a sound in agreement. do I though? Do I really? Isn’t this all just- not allowed? Not for me? Am I really worth all this. “I can hear you doubting us you know-” Jungkook pushes.

Yoongi’s fingers massage down your tense neck and you tuck your face into his shoulder. Your mate sighs, and you thank god or whatever force above that Yoongi's never been one to challenge you the way that Jungkook does.

“Can we just go back to kissing if you’re going to psychoanalyze me?”

Jungkook doesn't let you hide, turning your cheeks up at him “You deserve every bit of this, and every bit of babying the others are going to give you when they come home-“ you gulp, but try and twist your face out of his hands.

"Kookie-" your mate eases.

But they won't just let you stew, content to kiss away your sadness. If that was ever a thing might happen their mouths could do it. Jungkook’s with his cute little mole. Jimin’s that are so plush you half expect each kiss to come with a squeaky toy noise. And your mate's kisses, slow and lingering working you over until your scent goes sweet and heavy.

You hardly have enough time to breathe between one mouth and the next.

Your breathless "fuck" gets swallowed between Jungkook's huff and Jimin's insistent growl. he’s so grumbly when he kisses, each press of his lips earning another possessive rumble. Comforting kisses and hot kisses and every type of kiss in between. Unhurried in their intent of taking you apart and putting you back together.

You don't know how long they spend kissing you but it feels like hours.

The need between your thighs builds with every kiss. The hunger sensitivity hotness of arousal carefully cultivated by their mouths and nothing else. you’ve never been someone who had a particular weakness for kisses but maybe it’s just getting passed around that has you riled up so fast. the smell of buttery baked slick eventually nudges your nose. They’re so close, so hot pressed around you. You can feel Jungkook’s rapid heartbeat against your back.

Yoongi's hand massages closer and closer to the nape of your neck not a scruff, but not not a scruff either. Jimin is not content to wait while you kiss, Jungkook delicately licks into your mouth, almost lapping at the seam of your lips. it’s messy and primal and you feel yourself clench around nothing when he sucks on your lip. Just in time with Jimin dragging his lips up and down your scent gland, hot and clean under his touch.

Sometimes- sometimes soft sex is the best sort of aftercare. Especially after the doms are particularly rough. From what Yoongi knows of your scene last night (Namjoon and Jin gave him a rundown) neither you nor Hobi got to cum last night.

Maybe that's what you need. Like this. So soft and gentle that you hardly have to lift a finger.

Jungkook settles for man-handling your lower half, tangling your legs, and nesting his between yours. Squirming close enough for the apex of your legs to touch his thigh. Dragging along the thickness. not exactly sexual given you're both clothed and yet-

Yoongi catches his hands. Sensing your discontent before you shift, not entirely uninterested but-

You have three packmates in front of you and you'd have a hard time even pleasing one of them right now with how tired you feel.

jimins hands start to linger along the hem of your shirt but you catch them and pull back, Fingers pressing gently, tentatively giving your bodies some space. Eyes darting away from him, unable to meet his eyes.

“I think- I’m still a little sore from-” from Tae’s knotting, almost four days ago now. Your body still hasn’t healed itself completely. The skin deep ache is still there when you move. Not to mention the tenderness on your backside from Namjoon. There's still evidence of her, barely there bruises from her mouth poking up over your hip where your shirt has gotten rucked up from Jungkook's fingers gentle and explorative.

Don’t make me say no to you right now. Please don’t make me disappoint you. I don’t think I’d be able to say no right now if I wanted to. I don’t think I’m able to not to give you every inch of me.

Your memory fractures, hurtling you into another moment, another lifetime.

In the backseat of a fancy car after a dinner during which you hadn’t been able to keep from crying. You couldn’t help it, it just hurt so bad sitting after the night before. You were so sore then- not sore just- in pain just sitting there.

It was one of the first nights he’d ever been overly rough with you. Rough enough that you’d found yourself too hurt for any more. But Geumjae hadn't wanted to hear it. You remember Geumjae cupping the back of your head just as gently, urging you down toward his crotch. The chauffeur in the front seat put up the partition.

“There is one way you can make it up to me. I know you’re upset that you made me angry. But you have to remember if I’m happy you’re happy right?”

Right?

Jungkook and Yoongi take your answer for what it is. The kisses get slower, more pecks. But Jimin- Jimin is still eyeing you precariously. He notes the darkness in your eyes, the place you go to that's small and dark and scary.

"If you’re saying that because you think this has to involve a knot- then you’re wrong. It doesn’t. I was just going to-” he trails off, waiting and watching. You shift backing up right into Jungkook who promptly loops his arms around your middle.

“Doesn’t it?” You ask carefully. Still very unsure and very worried. “You can’t exactly like- fuck the sad out of me any other way. Can you?”

You don’t mean it to sound like a challenge but it’s clear something in Jimin takes it like that by the way he bristles. something in Jungkook too. His hands are still on you, still on your stomach. Stroking gentle circles that go hard with your words.

“Not at all."

"Do you think we have all those sex toys for decoration?"

You shrink, and Jungkook nuzzle sweetly. Yoongi cautions, unsure. "Guys-"

But Jimin is never one to back down. Pressuring you is the last thing he wants to do but he just wants to understand why. When he can so clearly smell that you're interested- why are you refusing?

There's something about seeing you so sad, so small and unsure like you just were that makes him itch.

He nudges the side of his face with his nose. “If you don’t want to cum then you don’t, that’s all I was implying. Nothing reciprocal- this isn’t about making us happy.”

Happy

You toy with the front of his shirt, something in your stomach lurching. You don't know if you can believe what Jimin says but- Jimin is honest. When you pull back to search his eyes there’s nothing there that betrays the truth.

“I don’t want to just like- get off while you guys watch, that hardly seems fair- that hardly seems- right.”

Don’t let me take more from you- because I will take too much from you if you let me. I don’t want to feel selfish on top of feeling like I’m not enough. I should be offering the same to you for fucking up your afternoon.

Jimin darts forward, pressing his mouth to yours, in a brief hot way, speaking with his body when his words just won't align. When he pulls back he doesn't leave you entirely, keeping his forehead pressed to yours.

“Say no. Say no and we’ll drop it and I promise we’ll just cuddle but- do you trust me?”

“Yes” you answer, because you do- you think you might always trust Jimin. Despite what happened before you knew Yoongi and the whole pack. Despite everything that’s happened since. Jimin has always proven himself with his love, a selfless love.

He was the first one after Yoongi who bandaged your cuts and kissed your burns and bruises, all those months ago. Back when you had nothing to offer him, not even your words. You can trust the medicine he prescribes. There was nothing in it for him then, no reason that he had to care for you.

“You promise you won’t like- get angry if it's just me? If I don't want to reciprocate?” You tentatively trail off, you don't want to be too articulate with it but you have to know.

Jimin’s eyes darken ever so slightly, but you don’t find any of that anger in his answer. None of it- directed at you. “Of course, I won’t. I’d never do that. None of us would ever get angry at you for that.”

You watch Jimin for one more moment, hiccuping and Sniffly. You duck jimin’s intense gaze shyly. "You don't have to," you say weakly, giving them one last chance to change their minds, interest stirring anew as Jungkook sucks down the column of your throat. Your scent spiking again- comforted and consenting.

"Just shut up and let us take care of you" Jungkook gets a nip for that one.

Yoongi leaves the nest at Jimin’s urging to choose something you might like from the boxes in the closet. “Oh! Get the pink one with the-” Jungkook orders. but Yoongi pauses in the doorway to look back and watch you. You’ve gone back to exchanging soft kisses.

The Yoongi of many months ago would have intervened before Jimin could even ask the question before he could even press you. But now- something in him feels nearly settled while he watches you snuggled down between the two of them.

In another world; where you and Jimin and Jungkook and Tae had met before Yoongi and the rest had. He thinks you'd have done well together. That you’d have fallen in love or into something- regardless of him. The idea of it is both comforting and scary.

Yoongi comes back, and you barely catch the flash of pink as you recline against Jungkook’s chest. As Jimin slides your pants down your hips, pulling back the blanket so he can slide them off your feet.

The kisses keep coming, and you don’t know where to put your hands, they end up hovering in front of you awkwardly- unknowing if you should touch Jimin or if that would be too much.

Jimin holds his hand out expectantly for it, and Yoongi hands it over with a quiet huff. Alphas and their possessiveness. Trust Jimin to be possessive of your pleasure.

The head of the vibrator is already warm. Jimin is considerate that way and warms it up between the palms of his hands before he begins. Your mate keeps trading you for kisses, pressing the occasional peck to jungkook’s forehead or cheek. both of them keep you distracted, and prevent you from getting anxious as jimin intently bunches your panties to the side (the fabric damp enough that it wets jimin’s fingers). But Jimin is too focused to kiss you too, too insistent that he be the one to hold the vibrator.

You don't even have to lift a finger. Is this what he meant when he said he wanted to turn you into a pillow princess all those weeks ago?

It’s gentle, you’re too distracted with kissing them as Jimin presses it to your clit. He does it softly but even so, the gentle first touch of it buzzing against you has you jerking.

Yoongi lets out a soft noise, hands going to your hips as you squeak, keeping you still underneath the covers. Everything is warm and hidden and gentle. The only disturbance is your breathing getting heavier, and Jungkook asking Yoongi for a little bit of chocolate.

It's so casual you would hardly assume from their behavior that there was anything lewd happening under the covers. Jimin starts on the lowest setting, slowly cranking it up as the minutes go on. Hooking your thigh to the side so that the folds of your pussy can better part around the head of it. Watching you intently, pulling it away to watch your clit twitch.

Fuck, he thinks, tae wasn’t lying when she said you were cute. It’s been long enough from the time in Jimin’s car that he’d almost forgotten how wet you get and yet. The head of the vibrator glistens, and he licks his lips when he realizes the wet patch you’re leaving on Jungkook’s thigh.

Jungkook watches you as he eats the chocolate, smiling down at you when your eyelashes flutter. He hopes it feels good, you feeling good is something he wants all the time. He keeps the chocolate on his tongue, letting it get melty and gooey before he kisses you again.

Jungkook doesn’t stop kissing you, working your mouth with his, letting the chocolate melt into the seam of your mouth keeping you occupied while Jimin takes you apart. Both of Yoongi's hands cup your hips, urging you into a gentle grind. He's doing all the work really, nudging your hips in the direction of Jimin’s hands. Holding you still when you start to twitch.

You're so worked up from your kisses, from the spanking last night where you never got to cum, and the fact that the last time you did was with Tae and Yoongi almost 5 days ago now- that it comes quicker than you thought it would.

Your orgasm is such a gentle thing, further urged on by Jungkook’s hot mouth running down the column of your throat and Yoongi’s pleased grumble. Quiet moans that become stilted as your toes curl, stretching.

"There you go sweetheart, just like that-" Jimin growls, pressing the head of the vibrator to you with slightly more force. Making your tummy clench up under his hand where he presses. keeping you pinned exactly where he wants you.

Jimin keeps the vibrator pressed to your clit just long enough before you’re squirming away. Jungkook- the little fucker- actually has the audacity to laugh, looking down at the bottom of the nest, where it’s been disturbed by your moving.

“You know- I never noticed it before, but you kind of stretch your toes like noodle does- you know when he’s stretching in the sun, toes all splayed- when you cum.”

Your mate actually laughs at that, so does Jimin- his chest shaking under your cheek as you hide. “It’s kind of stupidly cute.”

“Shut up” you hiss, but there's no heat behind it as Jimin detangles the vibrator from the nest and hands it over to your mate. Yoongi promptly shoves it into the bedside drawer, out of sight and out of mind.

Jimin sets your thigh back down easily, placing your your panties back in place with a soft tap that has you jerking again. Your soft whimper is soothed by him and Yoongi as your body goes boneless and your mind goes quiet. jungkook re-tucks the nest around you but you don't think you could move from it if you tried, every ounce of energy worn out of it from crying and cumming.

Coming down is so easy, it’s like nothing happened at all only that you're utterly boneless now, with no tenseness left in your tired body. Sex and intimacy and these moments tangled together just like this nest. They don't smell angry at all if anything Jimin's scent fluffs out thicker and more satisfied than before.

Vanilla, chocolate, and honey. All satisfied and sweet thick. The three of them smell so nice together. It has your own scent spiking wildly. You sleepily drag your cheek up Jimin’s throat, hoping it means you'll smell like him later. You hope Jin doesn't mind, that Hobi doesn't mind- the nest is probably going to smell like you for days.

You're willing to admit that you do feel more clear headed now, although the need to be close re-surges. The need for reassurance spiking and unlike last night Jimin is right there. Yoongi is too. Jungkook- yawning and shriveling his nose cutely. Everyone has it in their mind for a nap and yet-

Yoongi’s hands comb through your hair, tucking it away from your face, playing with the little baby hairs you have at your temples. The same ones he always tugs, that he loves. Even though he’s never verbally said that he likes them.

“Do you know why you dropped sweetheart? Do you have any idea why? so that we can try and not do it next time?”

“No” you sink lower below the covers. But even they sense that it’s a lie. “Namjoon’s not going to be angry at me? For dropping? When he gets home? Right?”

“Of course not, I know he’s not even angry at you for last night either” You tuck yourself lower almost face to face with Yoongi’s tummy.

“But-“

Jimin straightens, searching the nest for his phone “We can call him right now,” a look at the clock makes him curse though; he’s probably not even out of surgery yet. “Wait okay, we can call him in exactly one hour- here, I’ll even set my timer.”

Jungkook noses along your shoulder. “Somehow, I don’t think that’s what you’re upset about-“

They wait, and with their hands on you, it’s easier not to feel the threat of your words. How is it that being loved is such a medicine to make you unafraid? There was a time when you felt fear more than safety, when not feeling it felt as foreign to you as being loved. You look down at Yoongi's hands and realize how much has changed in the last few months. Your heart feels heavy with it.

“Hobi got punished because of me.”

Your mate stiffens and Jungkook's hand is still hard around your waist, unwilling to let you get more than a centimeter or two away from him. It’s Jimin who snorts, pulling back the covers so that he can really see your face.

He raises his eyebrows, “Do you know how many times my bad ideas have gotten us both a punishment?”

“Or mine” Jungkook adds, wincing. He rubs away his grin on the back of his hand. Now is not the time to get sentimental over happy memories. “There’s a reason why we’re the pups- collectively the pups. We've all fucked up before. Hobi gets that.”

“You mean- it wasn’t- he’s not gonna hate me for it? Again?” Yoongi and Jimin go quiet, but Jungkook leans forward to nuzzle into the nape of your neck.

“I’m going to say something, and I’m going to need you not to freak out over it. Alright?”

You nod, taking a deep breath. Giving Jungkook permission to continue.

He leans forward cupping your cheek and turning your face to his and even with your hands on Yoongi’s chest, blanketed by them- His words still feel like they yank the floor out from underneath you.

Jungkook laces his other hand with yours. thumb skimming down your cheek. “This isn’t like this before. Hobi and you. You’re not like before anymore. But I think you know that already. I think that’s the real reason why you’re so scared of making him upset."

You can't look at Yoongi, can't meet his eyes with how intensely he's watching your face for your reaction. "When we say you didn’t fuck it up, we say it because we know what things really push Hobi away when he loves us-“ your inhale of breath is so jagged but Jungkook continues anyways “-and it’s not going along with his ideas.”

Jimin hums behind you, agreeing “Hobi likes to pretend that because he’s more submissive than us in bed it means he can’t act like an alpha. But he still likes to be the one in control sometimes. He does it in different ways. He likes to be listened to, to be followed. He likes to look after you when he likes you. He’s probably worried you’re the one mad at him pup.”

You think about all of it. The times that Hobi's taken you to get food, "Can you make it the way I like it?" "Of course, I can." him reaching over to tug at your seatbelt and making sure you're buckled in last night. You think of him taking your sea glass and keeping it safe in his pocket. All of it. He's always looked after you in his own, special, shy way.

Especially last night, when he safeworded for you.

You blush, and immediately re-hide hide your face in the front of Jimin’s shirt. The fact that they know this much, that they've thought on it strikes you as concerning. You wonder if they've been talking about your relationship. You know Jungkook and Tae definitely have- the gossips that they are.

If they knew about the kiss, if Hobi tells them- you wonder what they'll think. You know he hasn’t said a single word about it to anyone yet and you doubt he ever will. You only talk about things you like. You only gush about kisses given that you wanted right? And Hobi pulled away from you so quickly- he can't have wanted it. It had to have been a mistake.

And if that's true, then you have to doubt what Jungkook and Jimin say.

Yoongi's hand carding through your hair feels as familiar as your own. He knows you're not convinced yet. “I promise Hobi’s not mad at you darling.”

Hobi scoffs from the doorway, “Of course I’m not fucking mad at you.”

He has this vaguely ruffled look about him, vaguely off-kilter like he’s spent the last few hours of work bouncing on his heels after he got the text from Yoongi to the group chat. Got the text that Jin wasn’t able to step away quite yet too- and knew the radio silence coming from Namjoon meant you'd be without them.

Hobi doesn't know why he was so worried, one look at the four of you curled up in the nest, and he knows you've been well taken care of.

You shoot up, nervous, worried about what he might have heard, and painfully aware that you don’t look your best. Your face is probably still all splotchy, tear tracks and messy hair and even messier clothes. You hadn’t even showered after the boxing class and you're not even fucking wearing pants-

Hobi carefully shucks off his slightly muddy sweatshirt. “You’re not?” you ask.

“Why would I be?” he challenges, and even you have to admit you don’t have a good reason for doubting it. Yoongi next to you is so still you think he might have stopped breathing, eyes darting from you to Hoseok. Jungkook inhales a little breath, making an ah- noise that you carefully ignore.

You only have Hobi, coming close to the nest, lingering. Waiting for something.

He looks okay, okay in a way that you didn’t look this morning, nothing dark or broken in his eyes, nothing at all that supports the fear still itching through you. Taking its nails to everything soft. Hobi's eyes are soft, dark, and still like tide pools, gentle the way the ocean is at low tide.

You sit there, staring at him for a second.

“Can you get in the nest Hobi? Please.” You ask quietly. His eyes go all scared, all fragile for a second before he nods.

An omega asking an alpha to get into a nest can only mean one thing. But you both ignore the subtext of it as he gets on the edge because honestly- the nest is already a little crowded. But Yoongi moves over quick and Jimin sighs, rolling his eyes. You feel like you've missed something important. Something that's hidden in Jungkook's mouth- smiling like that cat that’s just eaten a canary.

He’s only a body away from you but if you’re being honest- it’s Hobi’s presence in the nest, safe, getting soft touches from the others that lets you banish the last of the sub drop for good.

You watch them as you start to get sleepier and sleepier, trying to keep your eyes open as you watch the others say hello. Yoongi’s hand runs over the hairs at the nape of Hobi's neck. Jimin growls and nudges his shoulder with his forehead in hello. And Jungkook’s happy squeak.

Hobi looks fine, he smells fine when you drag your nose up his hand, dozing in all the pheromones. He lies back. “You alright? Better?” he asks, getting his head on your pillow- when a brief reprieve is offered by Yoongi slinking off to get more lemonade.

(Maybe it’s a little gross that the four of you were sharing one glass of it- but then again Jungkook and Yoongi have both literally tasted your slick before so you think you won’t ever exactly get grossed out by things like this).

Hobi hadn’t known what he would come home to. If you’d been nonverbal like you were at the beginning or if you’d be in omega space. He'd prepared himself for both possibilities and the most likely and most heartbreaking one; that you'd just want to deal with it alone or with just Yoongi.

It eases something tense in his chest that you've clearly been on the receiving even of very thorough aftercare by the look of it. The smell of sadness is distantly sharp on the air. Long soothed, a bad memory.

Hobi doesn’t know why he doubted that Jimin and Yoongi and Jungkook would do a good job. Why he thought for a second today that you might not be alright without him. It’s so stupid, Hobi feels stupid for thinking that. You have your freaking mate right here.

“Yeah,” you say, better, now that you’re home. Better- now that I can see you’re okay. “I’m sorry for making such a big deal over nothing, I’m-“

Hobi shushes you, “Don’t, that’s not- this isn’t a big deal. It’s not- really.” He stresses.

“Okay.” You say, “Okay” you repeat again because now that he’s here you have no idea what to fucking do about it.

You’re feeling so much lighter as the nest gets cracked open, the careful wings widened to accommodate more bodies and shoulders. It gets harder and harder to stay awake especially once Jimin retrieves your blue blanket from the drier and the warm edge gets bundled around you, soft and fluffier than the rest. Soft giggles ferry your tired body as you doze, and cat videos and tictoks get traded until Yoongi shushes them, and tells them to let you sleep.

One by one your packmates come home. You wake for each of them.

First Tae- who comes in a rush much like Hobi, her shoulder-length hair coming loose from her claw clip that she tosses on the bedside table. the clatter of it waking you up. She bundles up close to you, pressing a kiss to your forehead and telling you how good you’re being. Tae is in her pretty lavender-colored blouse but her pants are a bit too scratchy until she changes into softer peach-patterned pajama pants.

She presses her nose to your shoulder, inhaling deep, pulling back with her lips parted, she must have worn a lip stain today because the edge of her cute mouth is all ruddy. "You smell like Minnie" You nudge her nose with yours.

"He took care of me." In the doorway, Jimin tries his best not to blush.

Jin comes home like a whirlwind, gone is his suit jacket and his tie, and his pants aren’t long for this world. You regret the nature of the world each time one of your loves can’t be in pajamas (Really- it’s fucking sucky that they don’t just get to traipse around in nesting clothes all the time). The soft squishy omegan part of your brain feels more and more comfortable stretching out its curious fingers and tugging at them in displeasure.

He's feeling needy too; you wake to Jin’s long fingers running through your hair and down your spine and then going up again checking your body to make sure you're okay. Now that the pack omegas got you, he won’t easily let you go.

Being loved isn’t always harsh touches and harsh kisses. Sometimes being loved looks like being softly herded into the kitchen because someone has to cook and none of you feel like being more than a few feet apart right now. Being loved feels like your big blue blanket wrapped around your shoulders bundled in Yoongi's lap while Jin makes soup. Because soup heals all kinds of ailments- even the bad days like this.

You’re persuaded into a shower to wash off the scent of all the sadness with Jungkook and Jin. Although Jungkook spends more time playing with the bubble bath than really helping wash you or groom you. Usually, he doesn't miss a chance like this.

Your sleepy bodies are pressed flush in the warm water, hungry for nothing but closeness. Jungkook’s wet hair tickles your collarbones when you sit in his lap. His small cock squished against your thigh and your chest pressed to his, nothing sexual but everything intimate about your position.

Kisses pressed to soap-slicked skin that go nowhere let me wash your sadness from you. let me do it with my mouth and make you clean with love. Let me love you in the way that makes you feel the lightest, the most cared for. The purest. let me give you that back. let me make you new.

One love makes you clean, one love makes you dirty. One makes you big and another small.

After the bath, the two of you sit side by side and let Jin blow-dry your hair. Jin even drags out floor cushions to do just this (especially for your poor bottom, still tender from the spanking last night but not quite red, a reminder that Namjoon had in fact been gentle).

The pack would ordinarily never consider Jungkook to be an obedient pup, but he is a model of perfect behavior for you. Sitting pretty and obedient (but still fidgeting slightly from side to side) while Jin does his hair and then yours. When you start to squirm he drags you sideways into his lap. After you're dry, Jin runs your hair through with a sweet citrusy smelling serum that Jungkook says he likes. You find yourself sniffing his hair to see if you like it too.

After a shower- and a fresh scent mark by the pack omega- you’re right as rain. It surprises no one when you almost fall asleep at the dinner table, fed mouthfuls of sweet strawberry spoon cake (Tae might have picked it up on her way home). A warm belly full of soup and food. Kept in your chair only by Jimin's arm around your middle.

You tried to wait up, but Namjoon doesn’t come home when he’s supposed to. He doesn’t even send a text.

The night drags on- the hours growing longer and longer and then smaller until jin ushers all of you into bed. No matter how much you whine and tug at Jin’s sleeve and say that you're more than capable of staying awake for him. You watch Yoongi and Jin share a distressed look. Namjoon still hasn’t answered any of his texts. How long was his surgery supposed to take again? 12 hours or 15?

That’s a long time for anyone to be awake, let alone for someone to be standing. He’s bound to be tired when he comes home- he’s bound to need the 7 of you.

You want to stay awake, but you’re too worn out from crying and from the boxing class today. Struggling to fight sleep until Jimin makes the move to scruff you, a gentle thing when he sets his teeth against the nape of your neck and tugs. Ushering you gently off to sleep with a small whine.

When you wake next it’s well into the night and Yoongi and Jin are not in the nest.

It takes you a few seconds to detangle yourself from between Tae and Jungkook. Before you even recognize what scent- or more precisely whose- Is tugging you into motion before you’re really awake.

Your alpha- his coffee and liquor scent- is angry and upset. It fills the house, pushing out the scent of you and everyone else. Namjoon never smells this potent, so musky.

There’s something wrong.

The first thing you see when you walk into the living room is Namjoon's blood-soaked shoes. The sensible ones he wears during surgery, soaked through from the inside out. You can tell he tried to clean them before he left but the white parts of them are still pink. Like there was so much of it that he couldn't get it all out in one wash.

He left them outside. He can't have been home for long because the door is still open, letting in the cold nighttime air. He’s pressed along Jin’s front, Namjoon only ever looks small when he’s pressed to Jin. Even as he pulls back there's something limp in him something worn away.

You're still not awake enough to piece together his words. “-One second they were fine- stable and then- they just started bleeding and the general surgeon-“ Namjoon only ever talks about the terrible and heartbreaking part of his job with Jin and Yoongi. Not the rest of the pack and not you. Not ever.

He only ever tells you when his surgeries go well. Not when they go bad, not like this.

Maybe that’s the reason why he goes silent when he sees you in the doorway, rubbing at your eyes. Namjoon looks more tired than you’ve ever seen him. His silver hair all pushed up at the back like he’d been pulling at it.

You press yourself into his front, letting out a small shattered sound. “I’m okay pup.” but his voice is rough, his eyes wet. “I'm so sorry I couldn't be there for you today- I wish I'd-“ He lets out a shaky breath, and you wrap your arms around his waist.

“s’okay joonie, just happy you’re home, got the nest all nice and warm for you- come” you try to tug him but it’s like trying to move a lead weight.

You're so short you only barely come up to the middle of his chest, Jin nuzzles into his cheek, and Namjoon's scent gets impossibly thicker- deeper. It makes you want to roll around in it.

It actually makes you weak in the knees. And that's how you know something’s actually wrong. Something must be really wrong for Namjoon to be so sad and still smell so thick and musky. You don't know if he washed the blockers off before he left the hospital or if they just stopped working- or

You must make a noise- because Namjoon’s looking down at you, your mate pulls at your shoulders trying to shush you- to urge you back to the nest but you’re too sleepy to make sense of it. Can't leave alpha, need to stay by alpha, a small instinctual voice answers in your mind.

You finally unstick your tongue from the roof of your mouth, breathing in Namjoon’s scent deep and- You go so weak at the knees you almost fall over.

"What’s wrong- what's going on? Why-“

“Joonie’s going to be fine little love- he’s just-” Your mate flushes, unable to say it.

“It started halfway through, I was scalpel deep in the patient's spine and I couldn’t stop.” Namjoon scrubs a hand down his face, trying to clear himself of the sadness but it only makes him smell stronger. Even Jin straightens his back at that. “-I wanted to rush home the second I got your text too but I couldn’t. I noticed after I got it that I was kind of going crazy and-”

Jin cups your cheek trying to move you away and give Namjoon some space but Namjoon can’t stop his growl, loud and echoic in the quiet house. threatened by you just stepping away. His hands tighten on you possessively.

You freeze at the threatening sound but Jin just sighs rolling his eyes. “Oh you big baby- i’m not taking her away from you.”

Namjoon seems on edge as he stares down at you. Eyes flashing in the darkness. Jin sets his hands on his hips, but he knows better than to argue with his alpha when he’s in this condition.

“Joonie’s going to be fine darling, He’s just touchy because he’s in pre-rut.”

~-~

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prince-liest · 2 months

Note

Random thought I just had for the 666 au... You said Vox likes cuddling as a form of aftercare, but Alastor doesn't like physical contact after their activities... But what about his tentacles? Would he be able to use them to "hug" Vox, or do they feel like a part of his body? 👀

Amusingly enough, I think this would 100% not pan out, but for entirely Vox-related reasons, haha.

Alastor? Would be completely fine with this. The way I write him, those are shadow magic constructs, especially the ones he summons out of the ground, and while they're his, they're not him. They don't make his skin crawl when he's done with people being in his space for the day.

Vox, on the other hand, thinks getting cuddled by tentacles is really fucking weird, right up until he thinks too long about it and starts thinking it's really fucking sexy. Either way, a peaceful comedown is not acheived. :wheeze:

#ask #personal #liulith #hazbin hotel #nsft

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jeonqkooks · 1 year

Text

our beloved summer (05) | jjk

You made a vow to hate Jeon Jungkook ever since he packed up and left you without a single explanation, but when he shows up at your door after years of radio silence, it turns out that maybe your resolve isn't as strong as you thought.

pairing: producer!jungkook x songwriter!reader

genre/warnings: exes au, fluff, angst, eventual smut, drinking, swearing, crying, Sad Boy JK Hours ??, valentino!yoongi bc that should be a whole warning 🥵 even though he's there and not really there for literally 2 seconds lol

rating: PG-15

word count: 9.5k

note: this is the most stressed out i've ever been while trying to post a fic 💀 argh anyway, 2 obs updates in one month ?? is this even real life !! consider this a (lunar) new year's present from me to everyone who celebrates it and also to everyone who doesn't !! idk i'm bad at notes and i'm delirious so that's it 😗

series masterpost / main playlist ; interactive playlist ; moodboards ; taglist

— as always, i’d appreciate any thoughts or comments you may have, and please drop a like and/or reblog if you enjoy reading ♡

Hey, I feel like if we gave it one night You'd hate me less and make it alright Just wish that we could fight now I'd hold you on the comedown

Rockland - Gracie Abrams

One thing about you, is that you don’t do well with change.

After you moved out of the first apartment you got as an adult, you constantly went back to your old neighborhood even though it wasn’t close to your new place. You kept walking those familiar streets, kept shopping at the stores where the workers knew your name. At night, you still pictured yourself living there, with all of your furniture and clothes and decorations that you’ve already emptied from those old bones. Then, you imagined what the new tenant was like, if they could feel the lingering love you had for that apartment. You wondered if they were putting the coffee table you left behind to good use, or if they thought that it looked out of place among all of their belongings and had already thrown it away.

Jimin called you weird for that, but he didn’t know that you always leave a piece of yourself everywhere you go. The biggest pieces, you think, are hidden somewhere in a closet in your childhood bedroom where your mother still lives, and in the tiny space of your dorm room where you spent most of your college years.

It took you more than half a year to finally start considering your new apartment home.

Because you hate change. Change is scary. Change is walking into a pitch-black tunnel with no flashlight, not knowing what awaits you in the darkness and not knowing if you’ll make it to the other side.

That isn’t to say that change is inherently bad. You’ve experienced good changes before. Arguably, Jungkook was a good change when he went from someone you couldn’t tolerate, to the love of your life back then. You were happy with him, so blissfully happy that for a while, you forgot what it was like to experience any other emotion.

Yoongi has always been your friend. It didn’t take you two very long to become well acquainted with one another and from there, develop a good friendship. You have never thought of him as anything other than a friend. Even when he was your boss, he still felt more like a friend.

As you sit next to him in a bar too empty for your liking – but seems right for a Tuesday night – you feel a palpable shift between the two of you.

When your phone vibrates with a notification, you glance at it only to exhale annoyedly – unclear whether this frustration is directed toward yourself, or the person blowing up your mobile; maybe it’s both. That’s the nth message that Jungkook has sent you in the last couple of hours, and you don’t need to read it to know that it’s probably another iteration of the same apology. How many different ways are there to say “Hey, I’m sorry for fucking the receptionist and then having the balls to tell you that you’re the unprofessional one when you didn’t even do anything.” Apparently a lot, because the texts just keep coming.

“Jungkook again?” Yoongi asks from beside you. Fuck. You’ve mostly been silently moping since he brought you here, too enmeshed in your own web of muddled thoughts that you forgot he’s someone you need to make amends with too.

You give him a nod but still continue to stare at the drink in front of you, trying to disentangle your Yoongi thoughts from your Jungkook ones.

Taking a sip of your drink, your face manages to keep a grimace at bay as the liquid ambushes your tastebuds. You don’t like whiskey, but you need something to hate more than yourself tonight. When you set the glass down, the alcohol sloshes around like a compact sea of your own amber-colored miseries.

“I’m sorry,” you say finally. “This is unfair to you. I don’t know what came over me. I just want you to know that this isn’t me responding to…” To your confession.

“If you’re about to say what I think you’re about to say, then I have to stop you right now.”

“Yoongi…”

“I’m not saying that you can’t turn me down, although I hope you don’t do that,” he chuckles. “I’m just saying that whatever you do, whether you give me a chance or reject me, I want you to decide after you’ve really thought about it, about me.”

You can’t say no to that; it’s only fair. Yoongi knows what he deserves. You haven’t looked at him in any other way, but that doesn’t mean that you can’t. Didn’t you say it yourself, that maybe you should start putting yourself out there? Well, here is someone coming to you before you even have to look anywhere. You may not have expected Yoongi, but then, you didn’t expect Jungkook either.

Yoongi could be the good change you need.

Nevertheless, you want to tell him you’re sorry for the other night. It should be fairly simple, but the words have a hard time dislodging themselves from your throat.

“I’m sorry about what I said that night at dinner… and what I did…”

Yoongi props an elbow on the bar top and leans forward to rest his chin in the palm of his hand, his eyes glimmering with mischief. “Remind me what it is that you did again?”

“Come on, I’m serious.” You are grateful that he’s trying to keep it light, though.

“I’m serious too. I seem to have forgotten.”

“Yoongi…”

“Yes, Y/N?”

You sigh, shutting your eyes momentarily. Recalling the moment makes you flush with embarrassment, bringing a splash of color to your cheeks which Yoongi always seems to enjoy.

In a quiet voice, you say, “I’m sorry for throwing salt at you…”

“You threw salt at me!” He tips his head back, laughing freely. The bartender spares you two a glance at the sudden disruption. “You shouldn’t go around throwing salt at people!”

“Stop laughing! I’m trying to apologize.” You punch his arm out of habit and for a second there, you forget that your relationship with Yoongi isn’t the same anymore. Changed forever.

“Okay, okay, I’ll stop. Jeez, why are you so violent?” He rubs the spot where you hit him, muttering under his breath something about him bruising like a peach. “Apology accepted. No hard feelings.”

“Okay, good. But I still want you to know that if you were expecting anything from tonight…”

Yoongi ruffles your hair with a scoff. “I’m not that dense. Of course I’m not expecting anything.” When you peer at him with curious and unsure eyes, he continues, “Y/N, earlier you looked like you wanted to set the place on fire and Jungkook looked like he was about to shit himself. Tonight, I’m just a friend who’s here for you if you want to vent. We’re just two buddies having a drink, that’s all.”

He makes it sound so simple, while your brain is already going haywire.

Despite yourself, you chuckle at his words. You tell him how much you appreciate it, though you don’t really tell him anything about what happened this afternoon, just that Jungkook said some stuff that pissed you off. You can’t tell him exactly what Jungkook did to anger you without alluding to the confession for which Yoongi is letting you off the hook for now.

“Do you wanna come with me tomorrow?” Yoongi asks.

“Come with you where?”

“I have a shoot with Valentino in the morning.”

“You have a photoshoot not even 12 hours from now and you’re here drinking? Aren’t you gonna wake up puffy or something?”

“Yeah, my manager would kill me if she knows what I’m doing,” he replies casually, like his manager has a telepathic connection with him and she can sense him mocking her over a drink. When people see Agust D, they tend to only see the icy exterior that he dons. That tough, maybe even callous, image has sustained him in the entertainment industry for years. For many, Agust D seems intimidating and unapproachable. That’s how you felt when you first met him too. But after a while, you got to see Min Yoongi, and Min Yoongi is nothing if not warm and tender-hearted, even if he’s a little shit sometimes. At least, that’s what he has always been like to you. “She thinks I’m getting my beauty sleep right now.”

You lightly snort at that, telling him, “Yeah, you need it.”

When you start to yawn, Yoongi calls a driver to drop you off at your place. The ride is mostly silent, because you’re tired and because you’re not sure what to say to Yoongi in the presence of a stranger taking you home. The car pulls up to your building soon enough, and before you can step out and tell him goodnight, he offers to walk you up. He takes the elevator with you to your floor, how gallant but unnecessary. When you reach your door, you wonder whether you should invite him in for a glass of water or something. If this was a week – or even just a couple of days – earlier, you would’ve had no reason to hesitate. He doesn’t ask if he can come in but instead takes one of your hands.

“I see you’ve been giving yourself some TLC. They’re a lot better now,” he comments, smoothing his thumb over your skin. You’ve been diligent with your hand care routine since he gave you that lotion. It feels nice, and it smells amazing. Besides, your hands were starting to hurt anyway.

Silence descends upon the two of you as you become aware of Yoongi touching you, and the weight of the answer you’ve yet to give him. He must feel you stiffen, because he lets you go and smiles.

“Relax, princess. Get some sleep, you’re the one who needs it. I said I’ll let you think about it, didn’t I? Stop stressing so much.” His index finger taps your cheek playfully, so familiar yet so foreign at the same time. The wink that he tacks on makes you roll your eyes. You watch Yoongi make his way to the elevator, step in and press the button for the ground floor. He maintains eye contact with you as he waits for the doors to shut, and you don’t think you’ve really noticed before how Yoongi carries himself with such confidence and poise even when he’s off-camera. That’s just the kind of person he is and it’s… kind of attractive.

You can’t even fish around in your bag for your keys, you just stand there because he keeps your gaze trained on him. His eyes are alluring even under the shitty lighting of your building’s elevator. Before the lift closes, his voice carries over from the metal box to your door, and you don’t know if it’s the echo of his low timbre in the empty hallway that makes you shiver, or if it’s just Yoongi.

“I’ve waited this long, what’s a little more time?”

One week. This is a record for you and Taehyung.

You’re still baffled by his attitude that night, and no one has cleared anything up for you. He was right, but that doesn’t mean you were wrong. You stand by your initial reaction. Could anyone really blame you for that? In your defense, who the fuck could believe that a worldclass megastar has romantic feelings for them? Not to mention that the person whom the megastar in question has feelings for is you! You, the pathetic girl who can’t seem to get over her ex. Yoongi had to sit through a whole hour of you drunkenly crying over Jungkook, for fuck’s sake!

That really wasn’t your best moment, but it’s not like you even remember it anyway.

Your phone buzzes to life with Jimin’s face taking over the whole screen – a photo of your hand squishing his full cheeks until his lips jut out. “Hey Minnie,” you greet him once you’ve swiped to accept the call.

“Y/N,” he says, sounding out of breath. “Where are you?”

“I’m at home. Where are you? Are you doing pull-ups again? You know you practically hyperventilate when you do more than 3.”

“Shut up, I’m at dance practice. But listen, have you talked to Tae yet?”

You purse your lips at the mention of his name. “No. We’re supposed to go grocery shopping tomorrow like we always do, but I guess that won’t be happening.”

Jimin hums, like he’s in thought. He doesn’t speak again until his breathing has calmed. “Well, can you go to his place right now?”

“Why?”

“He’s sick and I’m kind of worried about him. He hasn’t answered my messages.”

You frown. “Tae’s sick?”

“Yeah, he must’ve caught a cold the other day. Could you go over there and check on him? I would go but I can’t leave for another few hours.”

You agree to go, because of course you would. Even if you’re stubborn and hot-headed, no amount of pettiness could make you ignore your friends especially when they’re unwell and need somebody. Especially when it’s Taehyung who’s been there for you so many times.

You stay on the call with Jimin for another ten whole minutes even after you have said you would go, because he keeps droning on and on about how shitty Taehyung looked yesterday.

Before you go to your best friend’s apartment, you stop by your regular diner to pick up some comfort food for him, and the pharmacy for some medicine. During the rest of the drive there, you start getting a little worried. When Taehyung takes care of a sick you or Jimin, he practically goes into full mama bear mode, making sure that you’re as comfortable as humanly possible and not leaving your side until you’re a functional human being again. But when it comes to his own wellbeing, Taehyung doesn’t seem to be that concerned. It’s not that he neglects his health, but you wish that he would show himself the same kindness that he shows you.

It feels weird to use the spare key that you have to his place, considering that you aren’t really on speaking terms. In hindsight, it feels so childish. How old are you to still be pulling the silent treatment on each other?

You ring the doorbell and wait a couple minutes until you hear Taehyung shuffling to get the door from the other side. When it swings open, he tenses up a bit, not expecting to see you at all. His hair is damp; he must’ve just gotten out of the shower. Taehyung doesn’t look as bad as Jimin described though. Just some dark circles under his eyes.

You raise a hand and wave. “Hi.”

“Hi,” he parrots somewhat awkwardly. It’s understandable; neither of you thought you’d be the one to break the ice. “What are you doing here?”

Bringing your other hand up, you show him the bag you’re holding. “Brought you soup and cold meds. Jimin said you’re sick.”

His brows knit together in confusion. “Thanks…” he says slowly, “but I’m not sick?”

“But Jimin said you caught a cold and you’ve been wheezing like a dying fisherman and–” You purse your lips, catching onto what’s really happening here. “He tricked me, didn’t he?”

Park Jimin…

Taehyung tuts under his breath, shaking his head at the ground. “Mhmm.”

“He could go into acting. He sounded really worried on the phone, like you were on the verge of death.”

“No, yeah, he really could,” Taehyung agrees. “Jimin is bizarrely good at lying sometimes. We should be worried about that.”

You laugh, and that makes him feel like the air is relaxed enough for him to laugh too. It only lasts a few seconds before you’re left staring at each other again. You hate it. You really, really hate it.

You thought that the universe sent you a sign, gave you a reason to come over and make nice with your best friend. Turns out that “the universe” is really just Park Jimin and his scheming tongue. But you’re already here, and you have to talk to him eventually. Jimin might have lied, but you would’ve just waited for Taehyung to reach out first to offer an olive branch anyway.

“Well, can I come in?” you ask. It’s weird that you even have to ask.

“Of course,” he says absentmindedly, stepping to one side to let you in. He takes the bag from your hand and brings it to the kitchen while you kick off your shoes and change into the pair of fuzzy bear slippers that he keeps for you here.

You want to tell him what happened as much as you hate admitting that you were wrong.

“Have you eaten?” you ask, a sad attempt at delaying what will inevitably come.

“No,” comes his simple reply.

“Should we eat? I bought enough for two people.”

“But I’m not sick.”

“You don’t have to be sick to eat chicken noodle soup.”

Taehyung looks at you like the thought has genuinely never crossed his mind. “Interesting… Okay, then.”

You put on an episode of your favorite show while he heats up the food. When you both sit down to eat, it’s mostly silent while the TV continues to play. The most you and Taehyung thing that you exchange in these 30 minutes is him saying soup tastes like shit when you’re not actually sick, and you telling him to stop being such a hater. When you both finish, Taehyung rinses the bowls and puts them in his dishwasher.

Before you came over, you thought you would only be making him eat, take his meds, and sit there for a bit while he sleeps. If you had known this would happen, you would’ve prepared yourself for it.

But then again, you were tricked into coming.

Ugh. Just do it. You are so freaking dramatic.

“Well,” you start, keeping your voice light and trying not to stand around like you’re out of place in his apartment, “you were right.”

“About what?” Taehyung asks, wiping his hands on a towel.

“About Yoongi and… all that.”

“Oh.” His expression is one you aren’t too familiar with. There’s surprise – yes, that you’re making peace with him – in the way his brows slightly lift, but there’s something else too. Something odd that you can’t quite put a finger on, and it makes you slightly uneasy because you don’t like it when you can’t read Taehyung.

He’s pretty quick to mask it, and it makes you even more conscious that there’s something he isn’t telling you. Of course, this feeling is miniscule, practically a seed compared to the blooming garden of nerves that the events of these past few days have dumped upon you, so you can’t categorize it as a high-level priority to nitpick. You need to deal with your main concerns first, aka what to do about Yoongi and Jungkook, both individually and together, and then you can begin to inspect what’s going on with Taehyung.

It all sounds so easy in theory.

Taehyung goes to the couch and you wordlessly follow. You sit down when he pats the spot next to him – your spot. “How did you come to that conclusion?” he asks. “You know I don’t get to hear you tell me I’m right very often.”

Because you aren’t right very often, is what you almost say. It’s light and playful, and you both know it would diffuse the leftover tension, but you chuck the words aside in favor of something more serious. There isn’t that much to catch him up on, but there is a lot to unpack from the few things that did transpire over the last few days.

You give him a recap of what happened with Yoongi and subsequently what happened with Jungkook. Those are the two things weighing the most on your mind. You haven’t really processed anything; blame it on Yoongi for telling you that you have time to think things through.

One thing you love about Taehyung is that he doesn’t tell you what to do, but rather helps you sort things out on your own. Come to think of it, these conversations often take place on his couch. He’s like your own personal therapist at this point.

“Can you give me a hug?” You probably can’t ask a licensed therapist to do this, though.

He softens even more with a smile. Opening his arms, he says, “C’mere.”

You shuffle over to sink into his embrace. You sigh as you practically melt in his hold. Taehyung is a little bony, but hugging him feels exactly like hugging a giant teddy bear. He’s soft, and always knows how to hold you just tight enough, how to stroke your hair the way you like, how to be just the comforting presence you need amidst a whirlwind of anxious thoughts. And he smells like jasmine, though that might be because you keep deliberately gifting him colognes with scents that you like.

With your chin perched on his shoulder, you feel yourself start to relax, walls coming down if only briefly.

“You okay?” Taehyung asks after a moment.

You’re suddenly aware that you’re crying. You don’t know how it started, but now that the waterworks have begun, it seems like there’s no stopping. “No,” you sniffle. “Can I just…”

You feel him exhale. “Of course.”

Taehyung is one of the few people – oh who are you kidding? He might be the only one – whom you feel comfortable enough around to let yourself cry to your heart’s content.

You’ve been feeling it for days now, even before all that shit happened. Every cell in your body is constantly vibrating, with anxiety, with guilt, with a heaviness that sinks into your bones. You’re shaking even when your hands are perfectly still. People, memories, thoughts you keep only to yourself – they all phase through you, not giving you a single moment to catch your breath.

When it rains, it pours.

Everything is weighing you down like someone has tied you to an anchor and pushed you into the unrelenting, unforgiving water. Grief is an ocean and you don’t know how to swim. Your job, your friends, the unbridled mess that you call a love life… Everything is changing and you’re the same. You’re different, but somehow still the same. Deep down, you’re still that scared little girl who doesn’t know what to make of the world. Your knees are bleeding but your mother is telling you not to cry. Why can’t you cry when you’re hurting? Every minute feels like a lifetime but every day feels like it’s going by in two seconds. Things are moving so fast. Things are moving too slow. You can’t remember the last time you actually cried. Really cried. Bawled. Sobbed. Let out all the dirt until you can see your roots again. Until you originate back to being a blank canvas. Sometimes it feels like that’s the only way that can help you see things more clearly. Your vision might blur for a while but afterward, it’ll have washed everything away. At least a little bit. So you can get your footing again.

You miss clarity, or the illusion that you have any control over your life. You miss looking out the window and have something to look forward to, even on overcast days where the sun can’t be bothered to bring you light. You miss hearing your heart beat a melody that doesn’t ache, doesn’t rattle you to the core. Pieces of you have been held together by nothing but tape and glue for the longest time. Eventually, they’ll deteriorate, and you’ll go back to being skin and bones always on the verge of falling apart.

Some of your best writing was never meant for anybody to hear. The best lines that you’ve scribbled down are diary entries disguised as music, as poetry. They’re results of your lowest and weakest moments, it just happens that there was a journal lying around and you thought that if you had to keep all that sadness inside for a second longer, you would burst. Those immortalized lines represent your heartbreak, your self-hatred, your sorrow and your grief. They come from a lifetime of unshed tears, from the burden of having a heart that feels too much but is always silenced. Words are your escape when time rushes through you like a child skipping stones. Everything hurts all the time but no one knows and you don’t bother explaining to anyone how you wish you could be a different person living a different life because it seems like the universe has made a mistake with this one. How it feels like a divine power has miscalculated and misread your false stoicism as resilience. Just because a person carries it well doesn’t mean they have to carry it at all.

Sometimes you like to muse that if anyone could catch a glimpse of what it’s like inside, they’d think, Wow. How are you holding all of that weight? How are you so silent through it all? How do you live with an ache so allconsuming that I can hardly see you underneath it?

It’s the only way you know how to express yourself. But even then, when you’re screaming and burning, you’re still quiet. Those words are your heart on paper, raw and bleeding all over the place, covered in a million cracks that no one can see or even pay enough attention to notice. They’re there whether anybody likes it or not. They’re right there, red ink staining white pages, begging in a voice small like a child asking for love. Please see me. I’m here. Nobody taught me how to swim. Please see me.

But nobody does. They walk past you every day. They sit with you, smile at you and laugh with you. They leave you. They stay. They break your heart. Even when they love you, nobody sees you.

You love Taehyung, but you don’t think he understands. He knows you better than almost everyone in this world and he tries to help you in any way he can, but at the end of the day, maybe this isn’t something that a person can understand even if they want to. It’s worse, to realize that perhaps it isn’t because people don’t care enough to see it, but that no matter how hard they try, they can’t.

The only person who has ever come the closest is Jungkook, with his big doe eyes that always see through you and see into you. Sometimes, you think there might be parts of you that he could see but you still don’t. He knew things about yourself that you never want anybody to find out, and he loved you anyway. He went the lengths that nobody ever did because they all gave up after a while. Someone once told you that you felt like a fortress wall impossible to climb, that nobody had the time, the patience to wait for you. In other words, you weren’t worth it. Not worthless, just not worth the effort it would take to break down your walls.

But Jungkook showed up and tried, every day. The one person that you never saw coming. You might have resisted at first, but then you became his biggest supporter. You were rooting for him to know you, how fucked up is that? You were right there. He was so close.

And then he stopped.

You suppose that’s what makes everything awful now – to know that you should let go of him when he’s the only person who ever came that close.

You don’t know how long Taehyung has had to sit here, comforting you like this, but at one point, your stomach starts growling and you feel your best friend trying to hold back a giggle. Jungkook might have mastered the art of loving you, but Taehyung is an expert at comforting you.

“Shut up.” You wipe away the dampness on your cheeks with the back of your hand and push Taehyung off. “Crying makes me hungry.”

“Should I order us fried chicken then?”

“And soju. Get some soju too.”

Jimin is a strategic trickster. There was no dance practice. He just ran around his apartment ten times until his breathing turned ragged, which if you ask anyone, was completely unnecessary. He’s very extra, but at least it was effective.

After he got off the phone with you, Jimin immediately went to your shared phone tracker app – today was one of those times where it proves to be the most useful. He stared at the little circle with a silly photo of you as it moved from your address to Taehyung’s with a couple pit stops along the way. Jimin giggled to himself when he saw your circle meet Taehyung’s, because at that point you two must have realized already that you’d been swindled. Of course, there was always a chance of you leaving the moment you figured out you had come all that way for no reason at all, but when Jimin saw after a couple of hours that the two circles are still next to each other, he knew that you and Taehyung made up already.

Jimin sends a message to your group chat, a simple hello but Taehyung knows what he’s trying to get at. The text thread shared by the three of you lights up with a selfie of you and Taehyung each holding a chicken drumstick and wearing a content smile. In the background, there are some soju bottles, a box of chicken and some fries.

Jimin doesn’t question why your eyes look a little puffier than usual. He just replies with a smiley emoji and a thumbs up. The triumph of his mini victory almost makes him forget that there’s someone else in his home.

Jungkook peeks over Jimin’s shoulder to peek at his phone, curious to see what’s making his friend so delighted. When he sees you and Taehyung on Jimin’s screen, he sinks again, heart sitting in the pit of his stomach. The words you told him just the day before ring loud in his ears, as if they haven’t been stuck on his mind, playing on a loop.

You’re such a fucking hypocrite.

You weren’t wrong, but man, did that feel like a punch in the gut.

He goes to sit across from Jimin, taking note of every single sound that notifies his friend of a new message. For the first time, he feels like an outsider, like he’s intruding on a private moment.

“I fucked up,” Jungkook admits quietly, cracking open a can of beer and taking a long sip. It makes Jimin look up and put away his phone. “With Y/N,” Jungkook clarifies.

“Yeah, I’ve been informed. That was the stupidest thing you’ve done in a while.”

“In a while? When was the last time I did something stupid?”

Jimin doesn’t even have to think about it. He answers right away, “When you left her.”

Jungkook hums, unclear whether the noise is meant in agreement or just in acknowledgment. His tongue darts out to swipe across his dry lips before he breathes out. “I don’t know what to do. She hasn’t replied to any of my texts. I feel like a fucking asshole.”

“From what I’ve been told, you were a fucking asshole,” Jimin says lightly, his words emphasized with a chuckle like he finds Jungkook’s predicament so funny. “I can’t believe you would say that shit about Yoongi to her right after he confessed.”

Cue a pregnant pause, and a pair of doe eyes staring right into Jimin’s skull, unable to decipher if what he’s hearing is a joke or not.

“Yoongi– what?”

Jimin slaps himself internally. Shit. It slipped, he swears. “Nothing,” he sighs, but he knows it wouldn’t be dropped so easily.

“No. Not nothing,” Jungkook sits up straight and puts his chilled beer down on the table, missing the coaster entirely just to piss off his friend. “The fuck do you mean Yoongi confessed? Confessed what?”

Jimin sighs with pursed lips. “What else? What do you think he confessed to?”

Jungkook gulps, and blinks a few times. When? Why? Was that the reason you looked so distraught yesterday before all that shit went down between you and him? Who confesses to someone in a freaking break room?

Then Jungkook remembers that you and Yoongi went out for drinks last night. What did he say? What did you say? His stomach churns at the thought of something… happening between the two of you.

Jimin takes in his friend’s dumbfounded expression. “Why are you shocked?” he asks. “I thought you expected something like this. Isn’t it why you spewed all that crap about Yoongi flirting with her?”

“Fuck, I don’t know! It feels like the guy is out to get me for some goddamn reason. I thought he was just playing with Y/N to piss me off!”

Jimin shakes his head, looking thoughtful. “Yoongi wouldn’t do that to her.”

“How would you know?”

“Because when they first worked together, from the things that she told us, the stuff that Yoongi would do for her, Taehyung and I thought he liked her back then too,” Jimin says. “This has nothing to do with you.”

It sucks. It fucking sucks.

“Should I go over there?” Jungkook asks, a newfound sense of urgency in his voice that borderlines panic. He’s acting like this fact that Jimin just dumped upon him is unraveling just as this conversation is taking place, but in reality, he’s one of the last people to know.

“And tell her what? If you’ve said sorry a million times and she hasn’t responded, then saying it one more time won’t change anything.”

“What am I supposed to do when I see her tomorrow?”

“Nothing? Are you incapable of leaving things alone? If she wants to ignore you, let her ignore you. If she wants to yell at you, let her yell at you. If she wants nothing to do with you, let her do that too. Why do you keep making things worse for yourself?”

Jungkook runs a frustrated hand through his hair. “So your solution is for me to just let her hate me?”

Jimin levels him with a look, which just annoys him even more. “You had no problem with that before.”

“If you’re not gonna help me, should I ask Taehyung then?”

“Don’t go to Tae about this.”

“Why not?”

“Just don’t,” Jimin snaps, and it makes Jungkook falter for a few seconds before the petulance in him clouds his better judgment.

“Why? He’s her best friend. They’re practically joined at the hip. He’s gotta be able to help me with this.”

“You really want to go to Taehyung for advice on how to suck up to your ex-girlfriend? He’s the most protective of her. What makes you think he would be willing to help you?”

“He’s my friend too, isn’t he? Shouldn’t he want to help all of us be civil with each other?”

“Yeah, he’s your friend. I’m your friend and Y/N’s too. And you’re right, all of us should get along, but we shouldn’t be put in a situation where we’d have to try. You did that to us and nothing is going to be the same again. I don’t even know why you did it. You kept your mouth shut for years no matter how hard me and Taehyung tried to get it out of you. Now you suddenly can’t make peace with the consequences of your actions? Now you want us to help you win over the person you fucked over, who is also our closest friend? I don’t get you, JK. I’m starting to regret not letting Taehyung punch you back then.”

Jungkook stares at his friend. Is this shock that he’s feeling? He still remembers that night, because he doesn’t forget a lot of things. He can’t forget it. He had never seen Taehyung – who is usually so calm and cordial – get that angry before. His friend, who is a saint of a man, felt so much rage toward Jungkook that Jimin had to physically hold him back.

“What? Why are you looking at me like that?” Jimin asks. “You’re not used to me not being on your side all the time?”

He knows that. The only person who seems to be on Jungkook’s side is himself, and sometimes he isn’t sure if this is even true at all. What you told him at the dance studio’s opening party, what Jimin is telling him now, and even the things that Taehyung shouted at him a couple of years back – it’s all true. He knows these things already, but it feels different to hear them from other people. You’re all right; nobody is overreacting. To an outsider, it might come across as harsh, but to anyone who knows anything, it’s rightfully deserved.

Nevertheless, Jungkook admits quietly, “Actually, yeah.”

Jimin sighs, because he knows that his friend has no malicious intent toward you or toward anyone. Jimin knows that Jungkook doesn’t mean to hurt you, any more than he already has. Jungkook is even more crazed now that Yoongi is somehow a factor in all of this. It’s the insecurities bubbling at the surface. He’s panicking and he can’t even see straight. This is just his own stupid take on fight or flight. It was flight for a while, and now apparently it’s not. Jimin doesn’t really understand it, but he gets that this is his friend’s way of dealing with shit. “I tried, man. I did. But it’s really, really hard to have your back on this.”

Jungkook is well aware of it too – that to leave you alone is probably the best thing he can do at this point. Everything he says or does seems to backfire; instead of pulling you closer, all he manages to do is push you further away and make you hate him more than you already do.

But in a way, isn’t that a good thing? Better to have you hate him than be indifferent toward him. After all, there’s a thin line between love and hate. You yourself blurred this line long ago. You can do it again, can’t you?

Jungkook sits there for a while longer to finish his beer, even though he doesn’t have anything else to say. It’s clear what Jimin’s stance on this is, and no matter what he says, it’s unlikely that anyone will help him try and get back in your good graces.

Before he leaves, Jimin says something that makes him nauseous. Makes him want to fucking cry and kick something and speed over to your apartment just so you could reassure Jungkook that he’s still the one you hate the most. That all of your feelings, whether they’re good or bad, are still reserved for him and only him.

It isn’t what his best friend should tell him, but it’s what a good friend would say. It's not about Jungkook, it's not about Jimin or Taehyung or anyone else. It's about you, who has been hurt the most here.

“If she wants to choose Yoongi, let her do that too.”

[10:48] Yoongi: Attachment: 2 Images.

[10:49] Yoongi: got yelled at for showing up puffy yesterday

You tap on the notifications and the photos pop up within seconds. It’s Yoongi at his Valentino shoot probably. He never used to send you stuff like this, nor asked you to come watch him at his photoshoots. Why would he?

You zoom in on his face to inspect if he really was puffy, but you can’t really tell. Maybe if you were a makeup artist with a sharper eye, you would see it. But under your regular-person gaze, everything seemed fine. Yoongi looked handsome in the pictures.

[10:55] You: you don’t look puffy to me

[10:57] Yoongi: so how do i look to you? ;)

[10:58] You: the fits look good

[11:01] Yoongi: i wasn’t asking about the fits

[11:05] You: and i’m telling you the fits look good anyway

[11:07] Yoongi: what about the model?

[11:10] You: are you fishing for compliments?

[11:11] Yoongi: what if i am?

[11:14] You: the model looks Not Puffy

[11:16] Yoongi: you’re no fun ;(

You consider your next reply for a moment. It doesn’t seem like that big a deal. You want to send it. It seems innocent enough, and it’s the truth. A simple praise can’t hurt, right?

Your fingertips tingle just typing the words out. You’re suddenly so jittery for some reason as your thumb hovers over the arrow symbol that would whoosh away your message. It's a good kind of jittery. You might even say that you’re excited.

[11:22] You: the model looks good too

You put your phone face-down on the table, not even checking when it vibrates with Yoongi’s response to your latest text. It’s so weird that you’re feeling like this, maybe because it’s been so long since someone has shown an actual interest in you? Or is it because it’s Yoongi? If it were anyone else, would you still react the same?

It’s weird, but not necessarily weird in a bad way. You just aren’t used to it, or it’s been such a long time that you forgot what it feels like to be… wanted? You don’t think about it often but it’s true, you’ve missed the thrill of being chased.

“So… word on the street is you have a secret song.”

Seokjin’s voice makes you glance up, wondering who he could be talking to when the only people in the room beside him are you and Jungkook – whom you haven’t spoken a word to all morning despite him glancing not-so-subtly at you every two seconds. When you got here this morning, there was already a chai latte on the table with your name on it. The order was too specific for it to be Seokjin, but you didn’t say anything.

“The street?” you ponder for a moment, knowing exactly who the culprit is. “Is that what Yoongi calls himself these days? He’s been here for what? A couple weeks? And he’s already blabbed to you.”

“So it’s true?” Seokjin leans back in his chair, a mischievous glint in his eyes. “Yoongi said it’s real good. Top shelf kinda stuff. And you know he never says things like that.”

It’s not a song, or at least that isn’t what you would call it. Maybe more like an essay composed of sentences that go together like misfit puzzle pieces. You don’t think you would ever rework it and pitch it to anyone because it’s yours and it’s personal. You would never tell anyone about it, and Yoongi wouldn’t have come to know about its existence if he hadn’t stumbled across it in your journal by accident.

“Don’t listen to Yoongi,” you say. “At this point, I feel like you should know that Yoongi tends to exaggerate sometimes.”

“He never seems to be exaggerating when it comes to you,” Seokjin muses. You almost blush, thinking about what else Yoongi could’ve told Seokjin. He doesn’t notice the split second in which your cheeks redden just the slightest, or he doesn’t mind it enough to comment. “What’s the title?”

You shrug, saying nothing.

“You can’t even tell me the title? Damn, Y/N. Are you the CIA?”

“I’m not telling you because there is no title. There’s not even a song, just something I go back to sometimes. It’s mostly just word vomit. I promise you, it’s nothing.”

“Tell that to Yoongi. He told me whoever’s gonna get that song is one hell of a lucky bastard.”

Again, what is it with the praise? You know working with Yoongi and being associated with his last album gave your career a boost, but you weren’t aware that he was talking about you with other people. Maybe he only does it with Seokjin because they’re close, but still, it makes you itch with curiosity.

“By any chance are you gonna give it to… me?” Seokjin asks, and seems to immediately hear how flawed it sounds. You stare at him blankly, trying to bite back an amused smile, and even Jungkook turns his head to look too. Seokjin’s ears turn red in an instant. “Okay, that came out kinda wrong. I’m really, really sorry. But you know what I mean.”

You continue to stare at him until his face is so flushed, you swear he’s like a tomato that’s about to burst. You can see why Yoongi likes to tease people this way. “Okay, boss,” you acquiesce with a laugh, relieving Seokjin of the fear that he genuinely offended you. “If the song ever gets to see the light of day, I’ll make sure to ask you to lend your voice.”

“Ah, so you admit it’s a song.” He grins brightly at your empty promise, making you roll your eyes half-heartedly. He goes back to his normal shade in a minute, no longer ridiculously red like a cartoon character. “What’s it about?”

You ponder his question silently, missing the way Jungkook takes this moment to glance at you. When you look up again, he’s already averting his gaze.

What is it about? That’s a question that you yourself have never really considered. It’s about everything and it’s about nothing. It’s love, it’s loss, it’s the infinite in-between. You give Seokjin an answer that won’t satisfy him, but it’s the truth.

“I haven’t figured it out yet. I’ll let you know when I do.”

He tuts at you, like he was expecting the obscurity from you anyway. “You’re really not beating the CIA allegations,” he says.

You flip him the bird, which only compels him to stick out his tongue and make a face at you. Then, he diverts his attention to the person who hasn’t contributed anything this whole time.

“JK, why are you so quiet today? We’re not gonna eat you.”

Jungkook mutters something to Seokjin that you don’t quite catch because the words come out of his mouth like an inarticulate mess, which is so unlike him. He sounds jumpy, like he’s too nervous to speak in front of you. Seokjin’s eyes land on you again as he mouths a confused What?

You just shrug, and Seokjin has to take Jungkook’s weird response as him having an off day. The man checks his phone, lets out a quiet whine, then addresses the both of you. “I have a shoot this afternoon so you two will have to hold down the fort, by the way.”

You come back from your solo lunch date to an empty studio.

Well, almost empty. There’s something new that wasn’t there before.

Another chai latte waiting for you equates to another apology hoping to be acknowledged. The paper cup is still hot when your hand reaches out to touch it. You sink into your chair with a sigh. You could laugh at yourself for feeling so nostalgic at the sight of a beverage in the middle of a workday.

Jungkook walks in about 15 minutes later, and the air turns suffocating at his arrival. He feels it too, you know he does.

You chew on your bottom lip until it starts to hurt, bite down on it until it almost bleeds.

“Jungkook,” you say, catching his attention. It looks like he didn’t expect you to initiate any conversation. It’s not like you want to, but you have to. You keep having to do this, because he just wouldn’t listen. “Stop buying me drinks.”

It translates to: Stop saying sorry. Stop trying to make things right. Stop doing things you think would make me happy. Stop making me have the same argument with you over and over again.

“Because you wouldn’t hear me out,” he says, and proceeds to repeat the one thing that you’re sick of hearing from him. “I’m sorry.”

“Stop apologizing,” you verbalize it. “If it’s not about work, I don’t think it’s necessary for me to hear it, Jungkook. I don’t want to hear it.”

“You do need to hear it. Because I can’t function properly until you know how sorry I am.”

“Well, that sounds like a you problem.”

“Y/N.”

“What?”

“Hear me out,” he says, sounding a little firmer now but you still catch the crack in his voice. “Please.”

Jungkook must take the way you hesitate to shut down him as reluctant permission for him to keep going, because he stands up and moves to a spot closer to you. Not close enough that he could reach out and touch you, but enough for you to see the tiny mole under his bottom lip and how it quivers when he looks at you.

Fuck. You’re letting him win again.

“Okay, fine. Talk then. I’m listening. You’re sorry, right? You keep saying you’re sorry for everything, but what exactly is everything? What are you even sorry about? Are you sorry about annoying me right now, or are you sorry about being a prick the other day, or are you sorry about leaving me five years ago? When did you become this pathetic, Jungkook?”

“W–what?”

“When did you become so pathetic?” you repeat. “If you had to come back, couldn’t you come back as someone better? Someone who’s sure of himself and has a good life, not this… person who has to grovel at my feet for forgiveness. Even when you were at your lowest, you weren’t like this. I don’t even know who this Jungkook is. What happened to you?”

If you think that you saw him at his lowest, then you’re wrong. He didn’t hit rock bottom until he’d left you and had to live with what he chose to do.

“You’re right. I am pathetic,” Jungkook agrees, dropping his gaze to the floor like he’s ashamed. “But fuck, I’m trying to be worthy of you.”

It’s a truth that he doesn’t want to face, doesn’t want to admit how very real it is until you’ve just said it and it fucking guts him. He knows his friends pity him sometimes, even if they don’t want to view him as someone to be pitied. No matter how much of a front he puts up, he knows that Jimin and Taehyung see right through him. They won’t say it to his face, and for that Jungkook has gotten away with avoiding this fact for so long. But to hear it from you, to watch you spell it out for him, it hurts.

He wants to mention Yoongi, but he doesn’t know how to phrase it in a way that wouldn’t immediately aggravate you. After all, bringing up Yoongi is what got him into this mess, isn’t it?

Regardless, he wants to ask you a question that he already knows the answer to. What does Yoongi have that he doesn’t? The answer is: A lot of things. Yoongi has a lot of things that Jungkook doesn’t, one of them being the self-assurance to not run away when it comes to you and what you deserve.

He wants to ask, but he doesn’t, because he’s scared it might drive you right into Yoongi’s arms and Jungkook can’t compete with a man like that.

He can barely keep up even with just himself in the running.

There’s a big question mark that pops up in your head, along with a slight sting in your eyes that you blink away. You’ve never seen Jungkook like this before. This whole time, was it not only you who was miserable?

He looks so small that it breaks your heart. For once, you aren’t sad for yourself but you’re sad for him. It never occurred to you that he could’ve been lonely too, having to keep all of this inside because you know he didn’t share it with anyone else. You catch a glimpse of him again, like you did when you were making ramen together in your kitchen while a storm was raging outside. In a lot of ways, Jungkook is still that kid stuck in an adult’s body, lost and scared and loved you. It feels like you could’ve seen him in the same ocean while you were just trying to keep your head above water.

The sight of him, so vulnerable and astray, placates you. Your resolve crumbles, but not like it was ever that strong to begin with. You suppose you could see why he was being a jerk to you. Even though it doesn’t justify what he said, you understand just a little bit where he was coming from. You find yourself forgiving him for some of it. It’s part of letting things go, right?

But no matter how much you want to reach out and comfort him, you know you shouldn’t. What are you supposed to do in a situation like this? You’re confused and it feels like you two have been going around in a circle, looking for a solution that doesn’t seem to exist.

Coexisting doesn’t work. Telling him to leave things alone doesn’t work. What else can you do?

Why do you have to resolve a problem that isn’t even yours? Jungkook says he’s trying, but his efforts keep making your life harder and harder. You practically blew up in his face, then apologized for being harsh even though you were fully aware that you had nothing to be sorry for. You called him a hypocrite and now you’re ready to cave just because he’s on the verge of shedding a few tears. This constant back and forth between your anger and your reluctance to see that anger through is possibly the thing that’s hindering you.

You can’t – and shouldn’t – accommodate him anymore. You have to put your foot down, no matter how difficult it is with the lingering ghost of your past love.

Because you’re always weak when it comes to Jungkook.

Because you’re still holding onto something.

Because Jungkook will always be the first person that you have ever loved, and those four years meant a lot to you even if they didn’t to him. Maybe it’s even fair to say that you might never truly get over it, and that doesn’t have to be such a terrible thing. Maybe he was never the person you thought he was, or maybe you never meant as much to him as he did to you. Somehow, that’s okay. It’s manageable because it’s routine at this point. You’ve internalized it. The years have taught you that sometimes, things get shitty just because they can and you just have to deal with it.

The intrinsic pain of the human experience. C’est la vie.

What a world this is.

Is it bad that you’re thinking about Yoongi in a moment like this?

Yoongi could be your future, if you’d let him.

You should let him. Maybe this is your answer right here.

“Jungkook, let’s stop.” He looks at you with crestfallen eyes, but you have to keep going. The only way out is through. “Let’s stop. You want me to listen to you, but you haven’t been listening to me. I don’t have the strength to keep this up anymore, and I have told you that repeatedly but you wouldn’t listen. Jungkook, move on.”

You pretend not to notice how his lip trembles even more. “What if I don’t want to move on?”

This feels like a conversation that should’ve happened ages ago. Five years ago, you should’ve screamed at him, cried with him, held each other as you both fell apart. He stripped you of that right and gave you no say at all.

“You’re being awfully selfish,” you tell him, but in your head, you’re already thinking about what his words actually mean.

“Have you completely written me off then? Is there nothing at all that I can do? Because I would do anything if you asked. You know that.”

Your throat is so dry that it feels like you’re swallowing sand. You dig everything back up again until you find the memory of that day hidden at the very bottom.

It’s terrible. He’s making you relive it again.

“I remember calling for you and you didn’t even look back,” you say, but your voice breaks toward the end. “I can’t trust you anymore.”

Jungkook just stares at you then, and for the longest time, neither of you say anything. This is the first time that you two have addressed the problem, properly addressed it instead of half-heartedly sweeping it under the rug like you tried to do.

You breathe in, he breathes out. You hate the way you feel, and you resent the way he looks like he’s breaking down just as badly. There are tears in those eyes, tears that Jungkook doesn’t let spill because he defiantly wipes them away with the back of his hand after a moment.

When he speaks next, you want the world to end.

“Then I’ll earn your trust back. I’ll do whatever it takes. I’ll spend the rest of my life making it up to you. I will.”

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redfurrycat · 27 days

Text

🤠🩰🎤🎶🐓Musicians, Singers & Dancers Fic Recs🐓🎶🎤🩰🤠

(Pic credits: GP - MT)

Check the Top Gun Masterlist post for the latest updated version. 💕

Ao3 Authors: Coconutcordiale, Dalearden, Hangmanbradshaw, Haridwar, LulaluzHazel, Multifandommonster, Perishablealex, Road1985, SunMonTue, Tearsricochets, ToukoJalorda003, Trinipedia, Vahosi, Youlookgood.

> Music & Dancing within the Top Gun Verse {🤠🐓} > Actors & Celebrities {🤠🐓}

the happy daggers band AU by multifandommonster

in the morning, when you wrap me up {G}

“I’ll make sure to keep up the complimentary breakfast,” he jokes back. “Gonna give me five stars?” “I’ll give you whatever you want if you keep pouring the coffee,” Jake replies, turning in Bradley’s arms until their noses touch. “I have the GQ shoot today. Probably won’t be home until late.”

kiss you too hard and follow you west {T}

Bradley’s shirt is drenched and his hair sticks to his forehead, sweat dripping into his eyes and ears still ringing, breath coming in uneven ragged pants. He can feel the patchy flush spread across his neck– knows without a doubt that the sheer amount of exertion has left his eyes red and his cheeks splotchy. Jake never takes his eyes off him.

pay for my coffee and leave (before the sun rises again) by haridwar {T}

chance encounters in a diner at 2 am

let me put on a show by dalearden {E}

Stripper Bradley falls hard for Navy pilot Jake. The trouble is, he doesn't realize it until after a series of hook-ups following which Jake has already disappeared from his life, seemingly never to return.

I Don't Wanna Live Through This Comedown - Top Gun AU [Jake "Hangman" Seresin/Bradley "Rooster" Bradshaw] by Road1985, trinipedia {E}

Meet Bradley, a struggling musician working at a strip club to cover medical expenses. Then meet Jake, who joined the Army in a desperate attempt to atone for his muddy past of drug abuse and get back the respect of his family. They couldn't be more different, but their needs are the same, so they agree to marry solely for military benefits. However, when tragedy strikes, the line between real and pretend begins to blur.

takin' my heart out (of its zone of comfort) by tearsricochets {T}

Javy, who is still holding on to Bradley like they’re best friends, shakes his head. “Sorry, boss man, I walked all over set. This Tanner dude just isn’t here.” Who the fuck is Tanner? He tries to convey this question to Javy with his eyes, but the actor is not paying a lick of attention to him. He’s looking at the man in front of them, who is instead looking at Bradley like the brunette is the sole cause of every problem in his life right now. “Then who the hell is this guy?” As of finally noticing their boss was no longer pacing in front of them, or that he was suddenly getting louder in tone, Natasha and her friend look up at the new additions of their group. Bradley pretends not to notice the blonde taking an appreciative look at him, but he’s a simple man and absolutely preening under the attention. “This is Bradley,” he gives a meek way to the man burning holes in his head. “And he’s going to fill in as my other half today.” “Excuse me?” He’s going to what? OR: the one in which Bradley is not an actor, but he is going to film a music video for the hot singer

Shimmering Beautiful In The Moonlit Glow by perishablealex {E}

Bradshaw nods and Jake swallows. He begins to slide his hand down from Bradley’s ribcage, gliding over the muscles of his abs, inhaling sharply when he feels the other man’s breath catch. His hand continues pressing onto the hot skin, brushing over the ridge of Bradley’s hips before it finishes its path, sliding to the man’s inner thigh. Holding up the leg, mouth next to Bradley’s ear, he breathes, “There.” Or: The Ballet AU

Cambiaste un Ferrari por un Twingo by LulaluzHazel {T}

Jake Seresin is a famous songwriter in a long-term relationship. He has been living in Barcelona for the past five years living the most romantic and beautiful dream. Until one slip from his partner reveals on National TV the dream is not a dream and Jake has been cheated on for the past year and a half. Heartbroken, he doesn't know to function, until his younger sister suggests he could do a song with one of the most controversial DJs and producers to 'vent' and start healing. A music producer he doesn't respect much. But he knows that between both of them, they can put out a song that will follow the Fucker who played with his heart like that.

blue memories by coconutcordiale {E}

Taking a deep breath, Jake tries not to lose his nerve, summons the last bit of anger and discontent that’s been simmering for nearly a year now. “I want a divorce.” Bradley blinks from his spot on the annoyingly stylish chair next to the bed. Rolls the rocks glass of whiskey in his hands slowly before answering. “Okay.” + aka the musician bradley au

muse by youlookgood {T}

Lately, it's like the spark that would keep driving Bradley forward each night, the fire on his fingertips hot and blazing just like the sweet burn of the drink that comes between and after sets, has been snuffed out. He sees his half-steady gig work and instead of a semblance of comfort and that sun-bright thrill, he feels... ...a little empty. Then, "Can I get you another?"

You and Me, We Got Big Reputations (the fame AUs) by hangmanbradshaw

Love (Suite Love) {T}

Jake never thought he'd leave a pop concert with a public crush. Bradley was on vocal rest. Really, he was.

takes one to know one {E}

He decided to go for broke. “I could handle you.” Jake’s eyes sparked. That smirk on his face grew. “My, my, Bradshaw. That a threat or a promise?” “Depends.” “On?” He shrugged. “On what you want it to be.” Or, rival popstars Jake & Bradley have been circling each other for years. Add in a supposed romance with star QB Javy Machado, a SNL appearance, PR, and Jake throwing down a challenge...and things get interesting.

I've loved you three summers now, honey, but I want 'em all {M}

Jake's been singing songs about himself for longer than he knows, but in the end, he finds out singing songs about Bradley is so much better. Or Writing love songs is hard until it isn't (the musician/producer AU)

Songs of Ballads and Lullabies (Always Revered for Their Adoration) by ToukoJalorda003 {M}

Of all the things that Bradley had wanted most, creating a name for himself was one of them. And given that his friends and he were set to create one of the most iconic rock bands in recent years, he would do anything to keep it that way. Except that Hangman was there, too. That was bad enough - particularly when the guy kept getting on his nerves. Dealing with those put together was going to be…a challenge, to put it lightly.

suburban legends ✈ by vahosi

we were born to be suburban legends {G}

we were born to be the pawn in every lover's game {_}

Take more chances, dance more dances by SunMonTue {E}

Meet!Cute with Jake as the best man at Natasha and Javy's wedding and Bradley is the instructor teaching them how to dance...

#Musicians Singers & Dancers Recs List #hangster #sereshaw #hangaroo #bradley rooster bradshaw x jake hangman seresin #bradley rooster bradshaw #jake hangman seresin #🐈red🐈furry🐈cat🐈tag🐈

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thegeminisage · 13 days

Note

hi liz please can you give me a spirk fic rec (besides yours, obviously i’ve already read that) (something with good spock characterization would be great!!)

HELLO sorry for taking so long to get back to you. this is haaard bc so many of my favs also involve the ot3 (bones i love you) and also i wanna make a longer rec list someday but i am going to give you just a few that come to mind first so that this doesn't languish forever in my ask box. i'm not copypasting summaries notes etc like i would for a Proper Rec List so please READ THEM read the warnings everybody always read warnings. mix of aos/tos since u didn't specify and since you read mine i'm assuming you don't mind either <3 and in no particular order. ok here we go <3

Bare Your Faces of the Veil by flippyspoon - TOS - spock gets split into human and vulcan halves and he is really dead forever (until he isnt). this one actually got me misting up, it was awful, and it's more kirk-centric, but it's really good

anchor by Sir_Bedevere - TOS - post plato's stepchildren coda. it's again mostly kirk but also very quiet and a really good comedown from All Of That

The Black Knight and the Moon by Waid - AOS - pon farr fic will absolutely fuck you up. double read the warnings on this one bc it's not just sad it's EXTREMELY upsetting, intentionally extremely upsetting, but it's probably the best characterized AOS spirk fic and most realistic thought experiment i've ever read

Grief as a four-dimensional figure by Moreta1848 - mostly AOS with some TVH elements - everyone goes back in time to try and save vulcan. GREAT spock stuff in this one. i bonus rec most of this author's stuff actually (they have an au of earth being hit instead of vulcan in aos and tos intersex spock) - a lot of it is verrry long but i read as they update so the little pieces are fine.

Cosmic Fuck series by Gayle F - 1 2 3 4 - TOS - this is just straight smut, but it's VINTAGE smut, and also first fic to feature the famous vulcan double ridges. the last one is the first ever kirk/spock/bones (sorry i know you said spirk) so it's just full of historical relevance. sometimes the smut gets a little weird (the first fic is technically a dubcon situation because of pon farr and in the last fic they get off on a tangent about toe-sucking) and since it's not tagged you do have to go in a little blind. i've only read the middle two once and don't remember them well (so i can't help you out with warnings) but i reread the last one alllll the time. it's a really refreshing writing voice and feels so different from fanfic today wrt to how it talks about sexuality. the final fic (SORRY AGAIN) stands well on its own and is actually my fav TOS fic of all time <3

#ty for asking!! someday i'll do a big list w bones included...i hate leaving him out #liz answers asks #alreadykindled #liz recs stuff #star trek blogging #star trek #tos #aos #spirk

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everybodyshusband · 6 months

Note

HEY FELIXXXXX WHAT HEADCANONS, SHIPS, OR WHATEVER HAVE BEEN ON YOUR MIND RECENTLY? 🩷🎤

P111111NKKKYYYYYYY I HAVE SOME THOTS FOR YOU THIS FINE EVENING (technically it's afternoon but it's almost dark ??? northern hemisphere what the FUCK !??!)

sooooo.... i've been thinking almost non-stop about my silly little farm au (post one, post two) but specifically about the uhhh spicier aspects 👀 even more specifically, mountain and dew's morning trists in the barn after dew's milked the cows and mountain's finished his milk rounds

their favourite way is when dew rides mountain. when he gets him on his back, when pain from the stray bits of hay from the bales lining the walls and floor poking at mountain's back melts away because all he can focus on is dew

dew straddles mount and is usually able to sink down immediately (he's never admitted it out loud, but they both know that dew sometimes brings his suction-cup dildo to stick onto his milking stool while he works so mountain doesn't have to wait for him to prep himself when he comes back). he'll grab at mountain's chest and flick his nipples while he smirks down at him and makes mountain watch as he rises and lowers himself on his dick painfully slowly. of course, it never stays slow, because as soon as dew gets going, his body (and mountain) starts begging for more

they always laugh way more than they should, giggling as steam puffs out from their mouths in the brisk morning freshness and readjusting their positions every few minutes when the hay digging into mountain's back starts to properly hurt. they finish with mountain sitting up, usually. the two of them holding each close and reaching their climaxes while moaning softly and gently crying out each others names against their lips, panting heavily during the comedown

when they're done, they'll head back to breakfast covered in hay and sweat with matching grins on their faces, bumping into each others shoulders as they toe off their work-boots and head into the kitchen. every morning, rain raises an eyebrow at the pair of them and every morning, he gestures towards the old, sturdy, wooden table where a feast of bread, butter, spreads, cereal, milk, fruit and juice is laid out, reminding them that if they want hot drinks or cooked food then they'd better make it themselves

not long after, the rest of the pack slowly filter down to breakfast, brushing the sleep from their eyes as they all mill about re-heating leftover rice, pouring glasses of juice and reaching entirely too far over the table to expect that you wouldn't get jam all over your pyjama shirt, swiss

aaaaand yeah i won't bore you with my sily ramblings any longer, but that's essentially what's been on my mind recently !!!!

#p1nky i love these rounds you do asking for headcanons so so much <3 #ask box #p1nkcanoe #husband rambles #husband headcanons #spicy tag #mountain ghoul #dewdrop ghoul #farm ghouls au

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writingonleaves · 4 months

Note

idk if you’ve answered this or if it would be a spoiler but how do jack and amelie meet? also i’m looking forward to when you drop the blue au hughes boys fics, whenever that may end up being, but take your time!

anon!!! oh anon!!! i have not answered this yet. you've asked The Question i've been wanting to answer but havent because jack x amelie is my Magnum Opus / baby (its currently 18k words and i haven't even written out the big scenes yet) BUT i'm so excited about it that i think i can offer some basic info without giving much spoilers!

amelie and luke went to umich together, though they were different years (she's a year older than him)

she worked with the umich athletic department as a photographer, and i'm sure you can fill in the rest (she was put on assignment with the mens hockey team a lot, etc etc)

amelie is also from michigan, and the first story in that au takes place in the summer...the hughes brothers train in michigan in the summer....and off we go

i feel bad for giving such a boring summary but im sure you don't want spoilers anyways!!! i am making good progress on the story so i hope to have it out sooner rather than later.

some bullets about the other two couples / origin stories below if you or anyone else is interested!!

grace is a songwriter, and its been an interesting dynamic to explore something between a songwriter and a hockey player, and with that hockey player being quinn. so far, that one's shaping up to be a bit sadder than clem x nico, but it's also slowly becoming my baby

jordyn's probably the most lowkey one..she's a teacher!! so that will be fun to explore when i get into her and luke's story a bit more

its funny bc i have a doc with just details of all four of these aus' timelines and when / how they intersect. so that means the stories are coming!! i cant promise when, but they are coming and i love working on them. thanks for you interest and curiosity and love🥹 it really means a lot

#sweet anons #k replies #reckless driving au #comedown au

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bloodhoundluke · 1 year

Text

𝐌𝐀𝐒𝐓𝐄𝐑𝐋𝐈𝐒𝐓

welcome! here's my masterlist. i hope you enjoy these pieces as much i've enjoyed writing them. as in for now, i'll be writing for luke hemmings. this is supposed to be a safe place for everyone. please keep in mind that the writing here does not represent real people: in other words, these are purely fiction.

REQUESTS: CLOSED

🌸 = fluff

🌧 = angst

❤️‍🔥 = smut

𝗅𝗎𝗄𝖾 𝗁𝖾𝗆𝗆𝗂𝗇𝗀𝗌

singular blurbs & fics:

birthday shenanigans 🌸 wake me up when september ends 🌸🌧 (songfic) and i love the way you decorate my heart 🌸🌧 (christmas themed) nervous [university au] 🌸🌧 for the love of strange medicine 🌸🌧 lucky 🌸 (sickfic) you, forever 🌧🌸

drunken smiles & fishnet stockings ❤️‍🔥🌸 (halloween themed) hush and kiss me 🌸 (winter themed)

headcanons:

halloween 🌸

instagram blurbs:

pt. 1 ➢ pt. 2 (gf! reader, fc: camila cabello) secrets? ➢ pt. 2 no more secrets (gf! reader, fc: claudia tihan) roses (painter/digital illustrator! reader, fc: sabrina carpenter) ready for those flashing lights (model!reader, fc: alexa demie) i like thursdays (booktuber!reader, fc: steph bohrer)

series:

dress code: baby blue pt. 1: best years 🌸 ⎮ pt.2 (coming)

when facing the things we turn away from (the rest of them are coming) starting line 🌸🌧 ⎮ saigon 🌸🌧 ⎮ motion 🌸🌧 ⎮ place in me 🌧 ⎮ baby blue ⎮ repeat ⎮ mum ⎮ slip away 🌧 ⎮ diamonds ⎮ a beautiful dream ⎮ bloodline ⎮ comedown

updated: 11/2023.

© 2022- bloodhoundluke. everything posted here is original, written by me (unless stated otherwise). so please, do respect my writing pieces and do not post them anywhere without crediting me. and if you want to do so, please contact me first.

& you can find my prompt list here!

++ you can find my 5sos fic recommendations by the tag 'my recommendations'

& the dividers are not mine, they are by @baexywth.

#masterlist #luke hemmings masterlist #5sos fanfiction #luke hemmings fanfic #luke hemmings imagine #luke 5sos #5sos fluff #luke hemmings fluff #5sos smut #luke hemmings smut #5sos angst #luke hemmings angst #my writing

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sionisjaune · 9 months

Note

#NEED to write more about him but what to write… 👀 👀 👀 ayk I am an avid cneu enjoyer i'm on my knees oh more food would be excellent,,, what i think is great about your au is how it's this exploration of how nico, given his upbringing, would've ended up if f1 was out of the picture (tho of course it's quite an extreme case. my little pampered blond polyglot with a cosmopolitan background lost at sea after losing the one thing that anchored him down (proper racing) 🥺

with that being said if u are possibly thinking about writing more (not trying to pressure you ofc) I'd love to see more of his background. perhaps even a snippet of some (non-)interaction with keke?? alternatively i think a jenson pov would be sickening and delicious

This is NOT what you asked for, but I have been turning over the idea of Nico and his father in my mind, and I don't think he is ready to talk about it with any honesty! Anyway, have this:

The sun is rising after a long night, a molten blaze on the water. Nico’s cigarette smells awful, but the comedown from the race was too intense to handle alone. Lewis spotted him at an afterparty in Cannes, and then Nico dragged him to Jenson Button’s party on a rented yacht. Now Lewis is reclined on the empty seats in the bow, and Nico is halfway on his lap recovering from his own vices.

“Do you follow the races? Is that it?” Lewis says. Nico stamps out the cigarette on the arm of Jenson’s sofa. He's always around. It's not as if Lewis goes to seedy clubs looking for him.

“No,” says Nico, repulsed. “But Monaco… I like to be on the periphery. Good parties.”

“Sure,” says Lewis. “If this is your idea of a good party.” He gestures loosely at the vague shape of a woman passed out on the teak deck some fifteen feet away.

Nico flicks his crumpled cigarette overboard and snorts. “If that were me, you would be on your knees already. That’s your idea of a good time.” He shoots Lewis an almost sober glare. “Don’t argue. You know I’m right.”

“If you weren’t such a mess all of the time, I wouldn’t have to do it,” says Lewis. It feels important to point out.

“You don’t have to do anything,” says Nico.

“I kind of do,” says Lewis, staring across the water, letting the rising sun etch itself into his retinas. “When you’re fucking wasted and trying to kill yourself.”

“It’s my life,” says Nico. He drops his head onto Lewis’s shoulder, all of his silky hair rubbing against Lewis’s cheek. His breath smells like tequila, hot on the shell of Lewis’s ear, like it did when Lewis was furiously jerking him off in the cramped bunks below deck. “You’re the one following me everywhere. Like a fucking guardian angel. You just can’t stand the fact that I’m free. You couldn’t let yourself go if you tried.”

“You don’t know what you’re talking about,” says Lewis. He reaches around Nico to scrape his hair back and away from Lewis’s face. “I saw your apartment.” Lewis pictures Nico’s Monaco penthouse—the plush carpets, the golden faucets, the view of the water. It sits empty most of the year.

“The apartment,” says Nico, with a dry laugh. “A gift from my father. Fuck him, right?"

“What?” says Lewis. “Fuck him?" It's not—it's a vile thing to say, Lewis thinks. Nico is a vile person, except for when he isn't. "You know, I slept on my dad’s sofa growing up. He was the only person who believed in me. I didn't have a single friend at the karting track. Not one.”

“So we’re having this conversation,” says Nico.

Lewis curls his hand into a fist, digging blunt nails into his palm. “Actually, we’re not.”

Nico blows out another breath on the side of Lewis’s face. “If you hate me so fucking much, then quit me. I could have anyone fuck me. Better than you can—easily. You're so fucking repressed that you're impossible to be with.”

“What is your problem?” says Lewis. He uncurls his fingers and watches the crescent-shaped indents on his palm fill with blood and disappear.

“What’s yours,” says Nico, bored.

Lewis sighs—a strangled, frustrated gust of breath. The sun is most of the way risen now, a fiery ball of orange wavering a few metres above the horizon. It looks like the party is still raging on another boat on the other side of the harbour, bodies on bodies crammed on the upper deck, the quiet pounding of distant music floating on the breeze.

Nico lifts his wrist to point limply at the outline of the other boat.

“I raced the son of the man who owns that boat this weekend,” he says. Like he didn't just rip Lewis to shreds. “I don’t have to tell you who won. He brought some modified Mustang to the track and tried to wager it. You know, winner keeps the car.” He scrapes his fingers through his own hair and resettles his neck on Lewis’s shoulder. Lewis wraps one arm around him because it’s not possible to deny himself when the wound that is Nico is so raw. “Anyway, he lost by thirty seconds, and when he realized I was high, he tried to swing at me.”

Lewis winces. “So you took the Mustang?”

“No. I don’t play those games anymore.” Nico wrinkles his nose. “American muscle isn’t my style anyway.”

“Funny,” says Lewis. “You were playing those games when we met.”

“I’ll take your garage any day,” says Nico, easily. “I want to get inside that LaFerrari.”

“I know you do,” says Lewis. “Buy one. You can obviously afford it.”

Nico shuffles impossibly closer to Lewis, draping his legs over Lewis’s lap. In moments like these, Lewis could convince himself that Nico is sober, that he and Nico are just regular people in a regular boat, bobbing in a regular harbour. He imagines what it would have been like if he'd had a friend like Nico when he was younger, but stops just short of imagining Nico at sixteen, sober and starry-eyed.

“Killjoy. Like I said,” says Nico into Lewis’s neck.

#tw suicide mention #(very brief)#street racing cokehead nico #i wrote this

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runnning-outof-time · 2 years

Text

->Tommy Shelby Blurb Masterlist<-

Main Masterlist

Last Updated: 2/12

Want to be tagged? Let me know!

All works are my own - I do not give consent to the reposting of them in any form.

——— (listed oldest -> newest) ———

— The Meeting: Aflie meets with Tommy in Small Heath to confront him about the Birmingham gangster dating his sister.

— Promise: (Y/N) asks Tommy to make sure he comes back to her in the midst of the panic that stems from his plan to take out Mosely being foiled.

— Well, What About the Dog?: (Y/N) surprises Tommy with a new work buddy, and leaves it in his office without much choice.

— The Sweetest Moment: Tommy and (Y/N) share a sweet moment as something that they’ve been wanting for a long time comes to fruition.

— Overtime: Tommy and (Y/N)’ve got a good thing going, even though they’re only allowed to act on it after hours.

— Good Morning, Beautiful: Tommy tries to get (Y/N) to stay in bed with him a little bit longer.

— Just Like Dad: (Tommy x Charlie) Tommy finds Charlie drawing a picture and then decides to make his art come to life.

— When the Dust Settles: Kimber’s on his way to Small Heath and (Y/N)’s worried about the events that’ll happen.

— Something to Come Home To: Tommy comes home after an impromptu meeting to find his family all together in the master bedroom.

— Nothing Left to Say: (Y/N)’s worried about Tommy’s plans with the Russians; Tommy still won’t listen to her.

— It’ll Be You: (Y/N) realizes that she can’t keep getting strung along by the man who has a child with another woman, no matter how inviting the words he tells her are.

— Where’ve You Been?: Tommy’s worried when (Y/N) comes home late one night, but finds out that he’s in for a nice surprise.

— Stop the Fighting: A man at the bar causes trouble for (Y/N).

— Some Exciting News: Tommy and (Y/N) share some exciting news at the end of a family meeting.

— Meet the Parents: (Y/N)’s nervous about her parents meeting Tommy for the first time.

— The Comedown: Tommy and (Y/N) talk about the possibility of a future while in the comedown from their highs.

— “You’re In My Chair”: Tommy enters his office to see (Y/N) sitting in his chair.

— Nothing Left to Do...But Fall Back in Love With You: Tommy and (Y/N) get stuck in close quarters, where new feelings come to light.

— Don’t Want to Be Like Them: (Y/N) has a revelation about her own relationship when she shows up at her ex’s door after her parents fight.

— The Meeting: Tommy takes (Y/N) to her first family meeting after they officially begin dating.

— Clearer Intentions: When (Y/N)’s worried about the barmaid, Tommy makes his intentions with her clear.

— Mistake: Tommy Shelby finds himself wrapped up in the company of the daughter of a rather prominent businessman after holding her gaze for the entire night.

— Nightlight: (Y/N) only feels comfortable at night when Tommy’s in the room with her; regardless if he’s on his phone or not. (Modern AU)

— Everything Can Wait: (Y/N) and Tommy make the most of their last moments in bed before Tommy has to leave for France.

— Here For You: Tommy visits (Y/N) to make sure she knows he’s there for her during her time of mourning.

— Autumn Walks: Tommy takes a break from work and joins his wife and son out in a walk.

— Penny For Your Thoughts: Tommy and (Y/N) go to a lake after (Y/N) recognizes that Tommy’s been overwhelmed by business again.

— Not For the Faint Hearted: Things were just fine with Tommy and (Y/N)’s ‘relationship’…until one day they weren’t.

— A Tough Decision: Tensions have escalated after Tommy and (Y/N)’s eldest child asked a hard-hitting question.

— Where You’re Not Supposed to Be: After getting into a party she had no grounds to be at, (Y/N) slips into a restroom for a moment of reprieve. She does not know that the man who’d been watching her all night followed her in there.

— A Morning In Bed: (Y/N) re-enters her bedroom to find her boys sharing a rather sweet moment. Instead of standing by and watching, she decides to join in.

— The Last Time: Tommy attempts to assure (Y/N) that nothing bad will happen to her again after she’s hurt as a result of a robbery at the betting shop.

— I Love You: As their about to be married, Tommy and (Y/N) can’t seem to keep those three special words from escaping their mouths…multiple times.

— A Pointless Argument: After an upsetting discovery, (Y/N) storms out onto the grounds of Arrow House to have a word with her husband.

— Late Night Confessions: (Y/N) knows just who it is knocking on her door late at night.

— Calm Down: Tommy manages to help a woman out of a rather tough situation, but then has to get her to realize that he’s helping her.

— Something Keeping You Up?: (Y/N) decides to go into Tommy’s office late one night to find out for herself why he hasn’t joined her in bed yet.

— Something You Should Never Say: (Y/N) walks in on an argument between her daughters and immediately sees that Tommy needs some help moderating it. (Girl Dad mini-series)

— Why Do You Hide My Love?: Tommy shows up at (Y/N)’s house one day, wondering why she’s hesitant to share their relationship with the world. (Modern AU)

— Some Good News: (Y/N) comes to Tommy with news that she’s been holding in for too long.

— You Deserve It: (Y/N) tries to get Tommy to see some sense after his latest scheme gives him a little more than he’s bargained for.

— Just So You Don’t Forget: Tommy gets reminded of (Y/N)’s love for him before he’s about to leave for work.

— I Have to Go: Tommy goes to (Y/N)’s house with hopes to stop her, but he finds that it’s too late to get her to change her mind.

— Try Again: Tommy might have bitten off more than he can chew with this new business associate.

— Home For the Holidays: In which Tommy finds out that (Y/N) - a.k.a the one who got away, happens to be visiting Birmingham for the holidays, and he hopes that she won’t get away this time.

— All I Want for Christmas is You: In which (Y/N) tells Tommy that she doesn’t need anything materialistic for the holidays this year, and instead she only needs him. (Modern AU)

— A Late Night Visit: Usually it’s Tommy showing up at (Y/N)’s door when he’s bitten off more than he can chew, but what happens when it’s the other way around?

— Some Motivation: (Y/N) lets Tommy know that he’s doing exactly what he’s supposed to be.

— Take My Mind Off Of It: (Y/N)’s got a lot on her mind as she works on planning the latest Shelby Foundation event. Tommy might have an idea to take her mind off of it.

— Sun to Me: Tommy reflects on his relationship with (Y/N) one morning when she’s made it so he can’t get out of bed.

— How Much I Love You: (Y/N) takes the opportunity to tell Tommy what she thinks when she finds him still in bed.

— You Do So Much For Us: Tommy surprises (Y/N) a few times in one night.

— Loud Sounds: Loud noises scare Tommy to the point where he feels like he’s in France again. Thankfully he’s got his daughter there to bring him back to the present again. (Girl Dad mini-series)

— Not How I Wanted It To Go: Tommy’s initial plan of calling the men into the kitchen gets thwarted when the someone, who’s not supposed to be present, walks in.

— Across the Room: (Y/N) can’t help but feel the eyes of her fiancé on her as she breaks the news of their engagement to her family.

— A Much Welcomed Distraction: (Y/N) tries to get Tommy’s mind off of the work he’s been struggling with. Tommy, for once, accepts the distraction, until he realizes that maybe he will have to finish his work first.

— A Good Look: Tommy tries to smooth-talk his way back into a good standing with (Y/N). It doesn’t quite go the way he hopes it would…or maybe it does.

— All Of A Sudden: (Y/N) and Tommy find themselves getting sucked into a bit of a whirlwind-typed romance after he offers to walk her home one evening.

— A Long Day: After a long day, Tommy just wants to be with (Y/N). (Y/N), who’s not seen him for the entire day, has some words to say to him first.

— Good With Horses: Tommy lets a secret slip while he and (Y/N) have a chat about his youngest brother.

— To Unbearable Parties…: (Y/N) and Tommy both meet someone who makes the social function they’re at a little more bearable.

— No One But You: Tommy assures (Y/N) that she’s the only woman he wants after two women from his past reappear in his life.

— Three Years: Tommy’s attempts to reconnect with (Y/N) don’t go as he hoped they would.

— Happy First: (Y/N) makes Tommy choose happy first for one.

— A Clear Mind On A Cool Day: Tommy is able to clear his mind as he spends some time outside with his family.

— From Another Angle: (Y/N) takes a different approach to get Tommy Shelby to change the way he runs his factories.

— Some of Us Aren’t: Tommy and (Y/N) clash over Tommy’s most recent business decision.

— A Contingency Plan: (Y/N) lets Tommy know her thoughts on how he’s decided to operate now.

— Get On Your Knees: The roles quickly flip once (Y/N) finds out what Tommy wants from her.

— Bedtime Stories: Tommy gets asked a question that leaves him speechless while he’s telling his daughter a bedtime story.

— I’m Walking Home: (Y/N) decides to walk home after a question that Tommy asks makes her anger soar.

— Sometimes It’s Still Required: (Y/N) finds Tommy sitting at her vanity one evening.

— You’re Home: The war is over. (Y/N) wouldn’t have missed Tommy’s return for the world, but unfortunately her boss doesn’t find his homecoming as important as she does. But things have a way of working out this time. (PRE-CANON)

— To Keep You Safe: (Y/N) and Tommy discuss the decision to have her go into hiding while the war with the Changrettas rages on.

— Come to Bed: (Y/N) goes down to the shop floor late at night to find Tommy still knee deep in work. When he won’t put the papers down, she decides to find a happy middle ground.

— Take the Ring: (Y/N)’s last straw slips when she confronts Tommy about his absence.

— Never Tired For You: (Y/N) finds Tommy laying on the couch and immediately thinks the worst…he couldn’t just be laying down, right?

— Strictly Business: When a business associate doesn’t show, Tommy and (Y/N) make the most of a dinner…and try their best to keep their true feelings under wraps.

— An Unfortunate Accident: When Tommy finds (Y/N) injured after something silly happened to her, he immediately thinks the worst.

— Any Ideas?: Tommy’s had enough of other men looking at his girl. He decides he’s going to do something about it.

— Keep the Ring: Polly shares her thoughts on what happened in Tommy’s office earlier that day.

———

Divider by @firefly-graphics

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