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ftm-radio · 2 months

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My gender is 4 years old

...and four days, as of April 15th. This post is a bit late. 😅

Four years ago, all the confusing little puzzle pieces I'd been collecting came together in a genuine eureka! moment and I realized I was transgender. It was exhilarating and terrifying and it undeniably changed my life for the better.

The last few years have felt pretty damn slow and I've had to scramble over a few frustrating obstacles (never changing my name AGAIN, lmao, that was annoying as fuck) but it's all been worth it and now it feels like I'm really making headway.

I started testosterone this past year! I did that! I'm almost 7 months on T now! Currently on a dose of two pumps of gel, which I have only missed applying once in all that time because I was literally sick. The changes are gradual but they are real and they have already brought me so much joy and made me so much happier in my humble flesh prison. 💗

The most anticipated change for me (and for a lot of transmasc folks, I imagine) is my voice, and BOY (heh) am I happy to share this data comparison with you:

[ LEFT: A screenshot from the Voice Pitch Analyzer app, dated November 3rd, 2021. It shows that OP's voice registers fully within the female voice range. RIGHT: Another screenshot from the app, dated April 12th, 2024. This one shows that OP's voice registers mostly between the Androgynous and Male voice ranges. ]

My voice is so different now. It sounds different, it feels different, and in just the last week or so I swear it has gotten a little rougher and raspier and I am LIVING. I could not be happier!!!

...okay, fine, I could be happier lmao.

I'm adjusting to my deeper voice and still learning how to use it in a way I like & that feels best to me, so I'm starting to do some casual at-home voice training again after basically forgetting about the concept completely since 2021. (Whoops.) But I am already so much happier and more content with my voice than I have ever been in my life, so it's only getting better from here, lads. <3

I've also had to go to a lot of appointments and answer a ton of phone calls about said appts recently because I kinda fucked up my eyeball (it's better now, don't worry! and be gentle to your eyes, they are delicate and eye drops are so fucking annoying when you're doing them seven times a day, jfc) and my voice has reached a point where I was a lot more comfortable interacting with strangers and I also didn't notice any surprise or confusion when I introduced myself with a male name! It was kind of amazing.

Also singing is even more fun now. I love love LOVE singing along with a male vocalist and feeling the way my voice kinda rumbles through my chest. 10/10 sensory experience.

Other changes aren't nearly as exciting or obvious as my voice, but here's a quick (?) rundown, for those who are curious:

Mood — Gotta be honest, I don't think I've really noticed any significant change in my day-to-day mood, though I may not be the best judge for this because I have trouble figuring out what/how I'm feeling in general, tbh. But I think I have certainly gotten more comfortable and content with myself and I'd even go so far as to say I feel a little more confident these days. It's nice, I appreciate it.

Acne — I definitely noticed a change in how my acne presents itself on my face. I wouldn't say it's worse than before (I've had very bad acne since I was a young teenager and only got medication for it like, last year which has helped immensely) but I think it's different. More little red spots and roughness than the unpleasant and painful pimples I'm used to. I don't even mind it, really. Oddly affirming.

Facial Hair — I've got facial hair. I really do!!! Not clickbait!!! It's not much, not enough for me to be brave and take my dad up on his offer of shaving lessons quite yet, but it has grown in enough that I don't feel silly including it in self portraits! 🤭🧔🏻 Got a little bit of a mustache happening, a little bit at the sides of my face, some fuzz on my chin (with one LONG hair that I can only assume has been greedy and stealing his brothers' growth), and a frankly surprising lil patch of hair under my jaw. On a semi-related note, not sure if my brows have gotten much darker/thicker. They might have? idk.

my new discord icon, hehe... 👁💜🪓

Body Hair — I have gotten a little more hair on my forearms, and it may have gotten a little darker too! I have a tattoo on my arm just below my left wrist and it's been surprisingly helpful for measuring arm hair growth because for years my tattoo was not covered by hair at all but the left side of it's a little fuzzy now... 😏 I've gotten more noticeable hair growth on my upper arms, which were basically hairless before (free gender euphoria every time I put on my T) and on my thighs. Don't think my lower legs have gotten much hairier, and I'm a little impatient about it lmao. I want to get hairy enough to rival my brother.

Energy/Appetite — Can't say I've really noticed any differences here? I am not a very active person and I already struggled with appetite and getting myself to eat before I started T (thank you adhd & poor eating habits 🥲💀), so I can't quite tell if I'm ignoring more hunger signals than usual. 😅 I am hoping to get more active and start doing more physical activity now that it's starting to get warmer outside again, so hopefully that will help me see these sorts of changes and also get me into some better eating habits as I expend more energy and work up a proper appetite! (Also, since we're on the topic... a reminder for all of us that taking care of yourself and feeding the body you live in is a million times more important than aesthetics and numbers on a scale. ❤)

Menstruation — I am still getting my period right on schedule, but I am happy to say it is considerably lighter than it was before I started testosterone! My period has begun getting shorter, too. It lasted for roughly 7–9 days before, but I was bleeding for exactly 7 days last month, and only 6 days this month. I'm not sure if this trend will continue at such a dramatic rate, but if my next round is only 5 days I will be very excited about it, lol. My uterus can retire any day now, please...

Bottom Growth — if any of my friends read this part, don't speak to me about it lmao — Yeah... there's a little bit of something happening down there. Not a lot, and I haven't really noticed any pain or sensitivity, but there's a Difference. Aaaaand I like it. 😌 I am looking forward to any and all future developments. 😏👉🏻👉🏻

Okay! I think that's it, really.

I know I haven't been super active on this blog for quite a while now (I have really gotten into fandom blogging on my main lmao, and also discord is my favorite thing right now, it's where 90% of my friends live) so I hope this nice, long, ramble-y post makes up for that a little bit. <3

Not gonna make any promises that I'll post here more often, but y'know. I might. It could happen. Definitely not leaving this blog to sit and gather dust, that's for sure. I'll still be reblogging stuff semi-frequently, even if I'm not writing up my own posts.

So goodbye for now, and thanks for tuning in! 👋🏻📻💖💙✨️

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multiversal-madness · 2 months

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Professor Layton Au - Pandora's Call

((I have made an intro post for this au before but it's been a while and things have changed so here we go))

The Pandora's Call Au follows the idea of pairing the games (+ the movie and crossover) and merging them together, combining the stories and mysteries while changing some other story details to fill the gaps left behind.

The namesake of this Au (and the first combination to be created), Pandora's Call is the combination of Pandora's Box and Spectre's Call.

It follows the Professor and his new assistant Emmy as they investigate the Elysian box. They follow its trail to the ghost town Folsense where they must uncover the secrets behind the spectres — two large and formless entities that fight in the streets — the Spirit — a figure commanding the animals of the town into harassing visitors — and the Golden Kingdom — a castle rumoured to be buried beneath Folsense originating from the Azran.

The Black Ravens are instead the Raven's Guild located in Dropstone and while they do participate in the market, they're more so 'adventurers' that oversee most of the travel to the ghost town.

Arianna isn't sick, Tony doesn't dress up as Seamus and Evan Barde doesn't die, they live in Dropstone together peacefully.

Instead of the manatee like creature she is in canon, Loosha is instead a Quetzalcoatlus that flew out of the Golden Kingdom when she was small enough for Luke to hold.

And Luke Triton is instead Lord Luke Herzen, the grandson of Duke Anton Herzen, raised by his grandfather in Folsense with his only contact with the world outside Folsense being when he uses the animals of Folsense to scare away outsiders.

The other game pairings in this Au are as follows:

Eternal Diva + Curious Village — Eternal Village

St Mystere exists on the island of Ambrosia, the looming tower is mixed with Descole's castle and the Whistler and Reinhold families are combined. Flora and Melina are sisters and Melina's consciousness is put into a robot after she dies.

Miracle Mask + PLvsAA — Mysterious Mask

Labyrinthia is its own world accessible through the Akbadain ruins which is where Randall ended up when he fell, the magic is real (but bound to that one area) and the one behind the Masked Gentleman is the Storyteller (Descole isn't in this one due to Dahlia related injuries).

Lost Future + Azran Legacy — Lost Legacy

Mostly follows the plot of Azran Legacy, but Bill Hawks has disappeared in a time machine related incident and someone claiming to be Luke from the future joins them on their journey. Targent makes it to each location first so they have to use a rudimentary time machine that can only go back a few days to let them collect the eggs first. Also Clive is Luke's half brother, though he has to wear a purple wig to cover his blonde hair.

I do have some extra details for what happens outside the main 'games' as well, though this post is getting long so I'll put them under the cut for anyone who's interested (sorry it's also pretty long):

Clark and Brenda have been dead for around 10 years by the time Pandora's Call starts (though Brenda isn't quite gone), though Clark's death was confirmed while Brenda went missing on her own accord and was presumed dead

Losing Clark and then Brenda in short succession then only a few years later losing Claire left Hershel in a very bad place, he withdrew more so than before and became more reckless in the cases he'd pursue

After being beaten up by the government, Lucille and Roland were worried about him only having them and his mentor Dr Schrader to support him so Lucille called the Ledore household and asked if they would be willing to check in on Hershel, which they agreed and Henry went to go check on him

It was rocky at first, but Henry reaching out really helped Hershel and the two became friends again, Angela joining them too, though with Monte d'Or they couldn't be there all the time

During Hershel's 'reckless era' Henry would often be the one to come over and make sure he's eating enough and looking after his injuries (both from the government incident and injuries he gets while being reckless)

He has two major injuries around this time, one from before the Government beat down and one that ended his 'reckless era' and made him realise he couldn't keep doing this

The first happened the day Claire died. A young boy ran into the burning building next door to the lab to look for his parents and Hershel ran after him, burning his hands in the process of saving the kid

The second was when he was in a particularly bad place mentally, when he decided to look into the case of Claire's death a second time. He got further with his investigation, but then he was jumped and beat up worse than the first time, severely damaging one of his legs in the process and needing it to be amputated from the knee down (When it heals enough he gets a prosthetic, but he also carries a foldable cane and crutches in case he needs them)

On a brighter note, his reckless era did bring about one good change and that was running into his old 'friend' Paul who had also gotten involved in some shady dealings. After escaping the people Hershel was investigating/Paul was getting even with, they ended up reconnecting (things were a bit more complicated than that but this post is already too long-)

This Au's Hershel is a lot tidier than his canon counterpart, he also tends to collect odd souvenirs from his travels (traits he's picked up from Clark and Brenda, *gestures to 'guy who's nothing but the people he's lost' post*)

He's also a bit quicker to go against law enforcement when they're interfering with his investigations (nothing extreme of course, but he's definitely hidden evidence he hasn't had a chance to observe properly before an inspector could take it away)

And that's all I'll share for now. I have a lot planned for this Au and eventually I want to write a few fics for it too (a multichapter fic for each 'game' and a few oneshots too, though it is a very ambitious project) so we'll see what happens.

#Pandora’s Call Au #Professor Layton #Professor Layton Au #I won't tag all of the characters mentioned but I'll tag those who play a big part in the Pandora's Call part of the Au or in the-#Other details below the cut #Luke Triton #Hershel Layton #Emmy Altava #Anton Herzen #Loosha #Henry Ledore #ask to tag

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junior-high-rui-official · 6 months

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...

Rui wakes up on his couch-bed as his alarm goes off. 7am. Time to start the walk to school.

When he wakes up, it's quiet. It's too quiet, silence hanging in the air like fog. It makes his legs freeze up with an anxious dread, like the way the cold, misty air outside pierces his skin and makes it difficult to walk.

He looks around the sidewalk.

He doesn't belong here.

...once he reaches the school, he walks into his homeroom class, as usual. He doesn't want to- the dread travels up from the stagnant place it took in his leaden legs and travels up the rest of his body.

Taking a deep breath in and entering the classroom, squeezing his eyes shut while he tries to tune out the short murmur of giggles and indecipherable comments that take place whenever he enters this classroom.

He doesn't belong here.

For some reason, it feels worse.

Why can't he tune it out?

Why can't he tune anything out? Not the commentary of the students or the lessons from the teacher, nothing. It's beginning to get to him, but he'll manage.

...

The bell rings. He stands up.

He walks straight down the hall to the stairs, and trudges up them. Something is gnawing at him, scratching out a hole in his chest, it feels. The trip up the stairs seems longer than usual. His legs are sore by the end of it.

He sits down on the rooftop's bench.

Something's different.

What is it?

What's different?

What is it, grating down his heart so dreadfully?

...

Mizuki's not here.

That's what it is. Mizuki isn't here.

He opens his phone to message them, only to find their number isn't saved anymore.

Oh.

They must have blocked him.

He sits, paralyzed.

He wasn't supposed to be up here.

He doesn't belong here.

Mizuki would be there any moment, and she wouldn't want to see him up here.

She wouldn't want to be around him, period.

...

He remains there for an undetermined amount of time, before he suddenly stands up and begins to run. Down the stairs. Through the halls. Being up there must have warped time. he hears the end bell ring and sees students pack up. He's still running.

Running, until he reaches his house. It has an eerie aura about it. he can't call it home, no matter how he tries to. It's not his home. He doesn't belong here.

He stares at the residence next to it. Nene's.

It's like moving through tar, but he drags his feet to her front door, and rings the bell.

Nene opens the door. Her lavender eyes are...blank. looking straight at him, devoid of emotion. Devoid of any surprise, or timidity, or cheer, or anything.

She stares at him for what feels like an eternity. Time stops. He stops breathing. His heart stops beating. His blood turns to ice.

She closes the door in his face.

He hears the lock turn.

a wordless rejection.

He doesn't have a place here, either.

He doesn't belong here.

He wakes up with a start.

He can't see through the darkness of the room, nor can he hear anything over the ringing in his ears and his heart pumping ice-cold blood. He can feel his chest moving, pressing against the shaking hand he's clutched to it.

He reaches for his phone.

He turns on the screen.

4:38 A.M.

It was a dream.

He drops the phone, allowing it to slide down his leg, off the couch and come to a quiet thud on the floor.

Dream or not, it's left him horribly agitated. The feeling of loneliness- less like a gnawing feeling now and more like something that rips at his heart, tearing him apart from the inside out.

He didn't want to be alone.

He couldn't stand it, or the thought of it, but he had no choice at the moment. He felt strangled. He couldn't speak if he wanted to.

The dream... thinking about it shook something deep within him, something that made his body want to tear itself apart, that made his limbs feel like those of an inanimate ragdoll, that made his head feel full of static, that made his stomach churn and tie itself in knots.

...!!

Hardly able to move, he stumbles out of bed and across his room, dragging his blanket with him as he drops to his knees and grabs onto the small garbage can next to the door and begins retching and sputtering.

He can't do this. He can't.

He can't stand to be alone.

But that's all he is, is alone.

And it feels like that's all he ever will be.

...

once he can move again, he stands up on shaky legs, trying to get his bearings.

He can't. His head is spinning.

He creeps over to a corner of his room, and situates himself in that spot, pulling his legs tight to his chest. Tighter. Tighter. Making his arms shake and go numb. Digging his nails into his knees.

The pitch-black darkness of his room, cut only by the moonlight barely making its meager way through the curtains, is thick and heavy. oppressive. suffocating.

He breathes it in, and it makes its way through his body, chilling him to his core.

And in that deafening, stuffy darkness, he begins to shed cold tears.

#rooftop whispers #// big angst don't read if you're not up for it #// minor tw for emeto and sh below the cut. it's very minor not at all in depth or detailed mentions

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chronicparagon · 2 days

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Okay, so I have a new idea for HSR verse. I know it can get annoying but I have written and scrapped three different possible backstories. I’m just going to leave this here to see if there is something that could work. I’ll have it under read more because I worry if it is too much or junking up the dash. The full idea is under the read more. I left a tdlr just in case people want to know but don’t want walls of text.

TLDR: I’m thinking of making Harmony a lab experiment aimed at creating a super soldier cyborg who can shoot plasma from her left arm and emit force field shields from her right.

Harmony escapes because she doesn’t want to be a tool for war, crashes, but is rescued and eventually becomes a Trailblazer (will figure out how she got there). I thought maybe IPC will work but I’m not 100% sure. Her captors may need to be what I create.

Harmony would not remember her home planet. As far as she can remember, she has always been a lab experiment belonging to an organization. Her earliest memories are her imprisonment and the torture that was called “tests.”

However, Harmony remembers fragments like her original name and some of her first language and fragments of her culture. She lost her arms and her back dealt grave damage.

The organization (I had a name but may change it). took her injured body and and gave her implants that gave her super strength and ability to create a force field that can be used to protect allies and also used to charge at enemies. Typical attack would be a miniature plasma gun hidden in her left arm and her right arm can develop the shields.

Her reconstruction was not from benevolent scientists. That is when she learns their true intentions. They wanted to create a powerful soldier armed with plasma rays in their bodies. Much of her left arm develops the ammunition, right does defense and her back is metallic,adding support to her strength and provides an additional support system for greater endurance.

Back to the story, she doesn’t remember who she was but knows what she wants and what she stands for. Harmony hates the thought of killing innocent people or being a tool for warfare. She succeeded in all tests and was meant to be deployed. However, Harmony decides to take fate into her own hands and breaks out, narrowly escaping with her life, some supplies, and a ship that is like a fighter jet capable of warp jumping.

From there, I thought of her crashing after pursuers hit her ship in order to catch her. Harmony would survive but barely.

. She would survive but I need to figure out what she does from there. I thought what if IPC would have any involvement in her capture and experimentation but I think I need to learn more about them before I jump the gun on that.

I kept saying I wanted her to be a Trailblazer and although I am hesitant because of how it will be received, I may just go with it. If this idea works, I’ll have more direction on what to do.]

#ooc #more details like degree of cybernetics and her possible skill and ultimate are below the cut

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skullsfigurepage · 3 months

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New figure review of Treasure Cruise World Journey Luffy on my website! This is where all my reviews are going to be hosted from now on.

+ Bonus image for tumblr

#figure review #anime figure #one piece #neocities #monkey d luffy #one piece figure #no id #below the cut is a detail in his belt buckle #and a photo of me grabbing him.

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sccoobydoobers · 2 years

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linda as a therapist for literally everyone in the show is pretty flawed. yes, she can give perspective on supernatural matters but even her friends outside of the know (ella) go to her when they need the advice of a therapist. feel free to correct me on this but with my vague memory I at least know its highly unprofessional to take on a patient (fully booked and everything I presume) who you know personally or even just, has a impression in your life. as this can very much effect how you treat them and the help you give to them even if you don't mean it too.

lucifer being linda's paitent was obviously highly unethical at the start but eventually they develop into a more professional-friend kind. where still, it is unethical as eventually linda DOES fall into a relationship with lucifer's brother. who was an antagonist of sorts during at least season 1's sessions.

at some point i'd think between seasons 2-3 she starts writing the book about lucifer's therapy sessions and his life, given the book was on its completed first draft and we are shown it at least half way through at some point. and, if you dont know, writing a whole book (especially as long as linda's) takes a LONG time.

meaning, at any point in that time linda could've stepped back and thought: 'this is highly unethical and maybe I should at least get the permission of everyone who im using their private therapy sessions.' its a very simple yet, it couldve changed the whole direction of the book from being the simplified cliches of everyone to more realistic versions of the people.

linda takes advantage of lucifer while doing this, really, as when lucifer finds out about this book, he is thrilled. he is excited because it will be the first book to ever have an accurate representation of him.

And I think later, when everyone reads the book and finds out the contents are a really bad fanfiction of their lives, Lucifer is a bit disappointed. I mean, its supposed to be the first book to portray him in a light most accurate to him, and the book doesn't even end up doing that!

I also want to add that everyone gets mad at lucifer because of their portrayals in the book. When, in fact, they should've at least placed part of the blame on linda, the person who wrote the book. instead of taking literally every word of it to heart. (this post goes into it in more detail!)

Lucifer is, at times (a lot of the time), an unreliable narrator. Because he is made to always tell the truth, something that could be world-ending for Earth might not be important at all to him because x reason etc etc.

(example: the whole mira/rory thing - it didn't occur to him to mention to chloe that this supposed child of him is half angel because that genuinely wasnt important to him and didn't seem relevant to the occasion. chloe then gets pissy at him for this so the more you know)

I'm gonna say something that's pretty obvious but needs to be said: linda is not the group's therapist. of course, she is lucifer's highly unethical therapist. but she is not everyone elses. no one else is shown to have regular one on one sessions with her. apart from maybe ella & maze a couple times and the others are super rare.

her knowing and giving this guidance to her friends is really that. an act of their friendship that they trusted her to give good advice on how to deal with their obviously very stressful and traumatic lives.

then for her to turn around and write it into a book (probably turned book series given how long its said to be) which will be accessed but not only the general public, but also people outside of the know that close to them. like chloe's mother, ella's family, dan's parents etc etc.

that is a horrible thing. even if their families don't read the book, other people will.

imagine ella's distant cousin reads the books after it becomes popular for some reason, connects the dots. then suddenly ella's family are asking if she really had a serial killer for a boyfriend and can imagine the way a person dies perfectly from just seeing the scene and and and

dan is also very dead. at least legally dead. will dan's parents be contacted before the publishing of the book to ask for permission? probably not.

- (it would be funny to think if this is the downfall of the book. dan's parents suing this random stranger who claims to be their dead son's therapist for writing him in a book that hugely slanders and makes fun of him)

this will also affect their professional lives. all of sudden everyone they ever meet will have readily accessible detailed accounts of their lives for the past 5 years, their traumas, their ambitions everything about them at the fingertips of coworkers, employers, bosses, whatever.

even just a snippet of the book (it will most likely gain popularity with lucifer's reputation + the fact more that 50% of the cast for it will be cops) would be very insightful towards the point of view and personal information of everyone involved.

its a breach of privacy, a betrayal of trust and a destroyer to any lives the main cast could possibly lead after the publication. the storyline and concept sucks.

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raeofalbion · 1 year

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This was supposed to go up a month ago, then some construction dude cut the entire neighbourhood’s internet and that only got fixed a couple days ago. But yes, hello, hi, I am back. -waves- Alive...ish? I guess. Will be very slow to get back into the swing of things. How’re y’all?

So, for those curious what happened: about a year ago I started noticing that I was getting chest pains whenever I was in high-stress situations--only then, no other times. Tried to ignore it (don’t do that) and continued on. At the very end of November, the pains started getting really bad, my mental health plummeted, and, after a few weeks of checking in with doctors and stuff (and being warned about the risk of heart attacks), I was given the ultimatum of either going into the hospital for treatment (too expensive) or cutting down on stress (including internet and work stress) and monitoring my health. I chose the hiatus.

At first, it seemed like it was working well. My mental health improved and I stopped getting pains. ...and then we found out my 90 yr old great grandmother has breast cancer. She’s been going back and forth on if she’s going to fight it or not, but the doctor hasn’t really said if fighting it’s even an option right now.

The family’s been kinda in chaos, trying to figure out what to do and how to handle it. So while I’m back and now mostly fine, I will probably be very slow to post anything because...it’s a lot, honestly.

If you’re reading this, then I hope things are going well for you and your own family. <3 Best wishes. I hope to see y’all more often in the future. Maybe get back to fic posting soon. (Or a nice, relaxed game stream?)

#personal #details below the cut in case anyone's curious about what's been going on #it's a bit heavy so...don't feel obligated to read #I still feel rather withdrawn and I'm not really sure if that's gonna go away any time soon #maybe I need to write something...dunno dunno

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void-critters · 7 months

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" My papa taught me how to howl How to bear my teeth and growl "

"Upon his last voyage, the Mariner gifted two oars: a starboard oar to the First Assassin and a port oar to the Sixth Scholar: a sickle and a scythe. Kni’ Sister Tiffere entrusted her gift to a bastard son of Wayland; Illu’ Habbash entrusted his gift to the name of a thiefmaker."

#ts4 #ts4 edit #ts4 d&d #Brynhildr the tiefling artificer #click for HQ #Hilda got a new weapon from a literal patron of death in a recent session #details of the scythe are below the cut #This thing does. an absurd amount of damage #and it was made by Hilda's own father #fucking badass as hell

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nammikisulora · 2 years

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Unquiet Nights

For @mechtober2022's 26th daily prompt, Favourite Headcanon.

I couldn't choost one fave-fave one, so I ended up doing a consistent one I'm rather fond of: Jonny finds literal sleeping together to be something very intimate and vulnerable, far more so than sex. So let's have a look at when it happens anyway!

This one got a bit darker than previous ones, with an M rating on AO3 (but as I feel, within this event's rules). CWs for canon-typical everything and a little more, detailed list below the fic itself.

On AO3 here, as well as below the cut. Maybe be better to read on AO3 on account of length, just over 3,5k words.

---

When he agrees to travel with her, the Doc gives Jonny his own room on her small ship. It’s barely more than a supply closet with added sleeping accommodations, but it’s… it’s certainly more than Jonny’s ever had before. He swallows and glances shyly at the Doc.

"Um, uh. Thank you", he mutters. Did she somehow… know how he feels about sharing a sleeping space with people? That he'd kind of worried about that bit, when he said yes to joining her in space? But what if asking about it would make her change her mind, just to make a point of who's in charge? No, better not.

Fortunately the Doc just smiles and leaves him to settle in.

When Nastya first joins them, Jonny kicks up such a fuss that Carmilla immediately discards the idea of letting him stay with her in the lab to make sure nothing goes awry. He storms off, fuming and relieved at once.

Once she is well enough to choose her own quarters, Nastya prefers to sleep in warmer places than Jonny can stand, probably doing unspeakable things with the ship while she’s at it. This means that while they strike up a tentative friendship during the day, he isn’t ever subjected to any awkward suggestions of a sleepover, which he still fuzzily remembers from his childhood with a vague sense of dread accompanying it.

Then they’re suddenly planetside, and the Doc’s gone off on her own. They’ve bedded down as far as possible from each other in the small hotel room, but Nastya is shivering so hard that the chattering of her fucking teeth is keeping Jonny awake.

“Hey, what the fuck?” he asks after a while, struggling to keep his tone light and conversational. He doesn’t want to pick a fight, just get some fucking sleep. Nastya mutters something that definitely sounds like a Sprussian curse, then she sighs and turns around.

“I’m cold”, she says. “M-my blood. It’s cold. Aurora usually helps to keep me warm, but she is…”

“Not here”, Jonny supplies, before he’s subjected to any kind of lovesick whining. Nastya makes an unhappy, affirmative noise, but doesn’t say anything more. Instead she just continues to make the bed frame rattle with her shaking. Jonny closes his eyes, and tries to ignore it.

It’s impossible. He gives it a few minutes, but he quickly realises it’s a lost cause; he can’t fucking stand it anymore.

“Hey, Nas?”

“Mmh-hm?”

“Do you want to. Share a bed. For warmth. I’m, y’know, not as hot as your spaceship – pun extremely not intended – but maybe we could actually, y’know. Fucking sleep.”

For a minute, the silence is absolute. Then Nastya sighs again, deeper than before, and says, “Alright”, between chattering teeth.

And fucking hell, she’s cold as a fucking icicle when she crawls beneath the covers of Jonny’s bed. She’s brought her own blankets too, and spreads them on top of Jonny’s. They lie stiffly next to each other, barely touching, while Nastya continues to shiver violently.

“Can I, uh. Hug you?” Jonny asks, not entirely sure what he hopes for the answer to be. But when Nastya nods jerkily, he wraps his arms around her without hesitating, the cold of her skin seeping through his clothes.

It takes a long time for them to fall asleep, even after the shivering dies down. Feeling too awkward to speak, the night passes slowly, but the silence grows more comfortable after a while. Just when dawn has started breaking, Jonny finally slips into an uneasy slumber, thinking that maybe sharing a bed with someone isn’t so bad after all.

Fortunately Nastya seems to agree, because they need to repeat the sleeping arrangement for the next few nights, as long as they’re staying at the hotel. It gets easier each night, but that doesn’t stop him from being extremely grateful when Nastya returns to the warm embrace of her ship-girlfriend the moment they’re back onboard.

He still prefers his own sleeping space, thank you very fucking much.

Ashes is the coolest person Jonny has ever met. After what they did to Malone, he doesn’t even hesitate to tell them so.

“You’re alright”, they tell him, and Jonny has to fight hard to keep his beaming mostly internal. He does make sure to steal them some very nice cigars when they land on one of Malone’s most remote asteroid outposts to refuel, though.

To his eternal amazement, they also respond positively to his clumsy attempts at flirting, and for a while sex with Ashes even beats violence as his favourite pastime. While they do occasionally end up in a bedroom out of sheer convenience, Jonny never sticks around for long afterwards. Sometimes he wonders what it would feel like, though, to stay and doze off on their arm… but in the end, he figures that asking would be too fucking weird.

Another thing that both puzzles and amazes Jonny is how well they seem to be taking – well, everything. The whole thing that lead to their first death, being mechanised by the Doc, and then erasing their whole fucking world from existance. Ashes seems to be remarkably well-adjusted for someone who just went through all of that, taking it a whole fucking lot better than Jonny did, and he’d only killed two people and burned down a single casino.

Then, after maybe a couple of months, Cyberian ship time, Ashes simply… crashes, and Jonny realises he’s misinterpreted the situation badly. Fits of uncontrollable rage alternate with screaming nightmares, and so many things are set on fire that Nastya starts to seriously fear for the safety of the ship.

Very predictably, Ashes’ interest in fucking Jonny drops pretty drastically during this time, which he mourns in private but isn’t stupid – or even insensitive – enough to bring up. He still spends time with them, though. Partly it’s because Nastya half ordered, half begged him to, but mostly because he genuinely likes Ashes and would prefer them not to be distressed. The problem is just that he has no fucking idea how to help.

So he plays cards with them for days on end, offering them booze to sleep and cigarettes to share, and always leaves feeling wretchedly inadequate because nothing he does seems to make the slightest fucking difference. Then one night, Ashes breaks the pattern by suddenly dropping their cards and avoiding his eyes.

“Stay”, they whisper. Jonny chokes on his inhale, his eyes watering from the smoke. When he’s done coughing, Ashes sits half-turned away, hugging themself with tears glittering in their eyelashes. Jonny swallows, feeling altogether unqualified for what’s being asked of him. But Ashes, cool, amazing, put-together Ashes, looks like they’re about to fall apart, and Jonny doesn't want to find out what would happen if they do.

"Yeah, okay."

They halfheartedly offer to fix up a makeshift bed on the floor for him, but Jonny just snorts and shakes his head, then clambers into their bed.

He doesn’t get much rest that first night. Ashes thrashes in their sleep, crying out to the ghosts of their past, and despite Jonny’s efforts not to listen, he learns a whole lot of things he rather wouldn’t have, at least not like that. But the fact that they bury their face in his chest and sob when they startle awake in the middle of the night cycle, instead of setting the washing machine on fire again or something, probably counts as a win.

So he moves in with them, at least for the time being. It’s weird as hell, sharing his living space with someone else like that, but it’s a hit he is actually, for once, willing to take for the team. A nice bonus also turns out to be how nice Nastya is to him when she realises what’s being set on fire instead of her beloved ship and their furniture.

Eventually Ashes calms down again, and Jonny gradually migrates back to his own quarters. It's a relief in most ways, but sometimes he finds himself reaching for a warm body next to him in bed, only for his hand to close on empty air. He rarely asks to spend the night with them, though, but he also rarely declines when they ask him to stay with them.

Brian doesn't sleep. Not in a way that a more flesh based being would call sleep, at least. He does occasionally… power down in a way that takes some rousing if someone needs him urgently, but it still isn’t sleep.

Jonny kind of likes that about him. He hangs out with Brian on the bridge, pushing the boundaries of how long he can stay awake himself, before he staggers off to crash in the safe solitude of his own room. Fortunately Brian doesn’t seem to mind Jonny’s increasingly incoherent ramblings when he’s stayed up for too long; he even appears to appreciate the company. Still, sometimes he looks at Jonny with sad, fond exasperation, and tells him, very gently, to go the fuck to sleep. Jonny’s heart always gives a weird, metallic twinge at that, and he usually heeds Brian’s request.

He almost doesn’t notice it when he simply starts dropping asleep around Brian instead. The first time he conks out in the co-pilot’s chair, he wakes with a hellish crick in his neck, feeling like he’s been hit by a space freighter.

“Briiiiiaaaaaan”, he whines, “break my neck for meeeee…”

Brian shakes his head like he can’t believe what he was hearing, but kindly does it for him. Jonny feels much better when he revives.

Then Jonny finally pushes too far with the Doc, and she decides that she needs to make sure he hasn’t actually damaged his brain with some of his violent antics. Because there is no way he's stupid enough to actually endanger the ship over petty resentment… right?

He crawls out of the lab on his hands and knees, nearly two full day cycles later. The Doc tried to convince him to stay, offering treatment to mitigate the symptoms of the examination, but he’ll be damned if he spends another fucking minute in that fucking torture chamber of a lab… He makes it all the way around the first corner before he collapses, too exhausted and in too much pain to move another inch.

That’s how Brian finds him, an indeterminate amount of time later.

“Jonny? Are you alright?”

Any other time, he would’ve flipped Brian off and sniped some sarcastic remark about robotic observation skills. Right now, he feels too awful to do anything but whimper.

“Ngh.” Jonny winces when the cool silicone of Brian’s palm touches his cheek. There's a muffled clang when Brian kneels down next to him. He tries to shy away, but quickly gives up and simply lies still again, panting.

“You need help”, Brian says. It isn’t a question. Jonny whimpers again.

“N-no…”

“Yes, you do. Let me help you.” Brian lifts him as if he weighs nothing at all, careful not to jostle him too much. Jonny still thrashes weakly, fighting both his grip and the nausea re-awakened by the movements.

“N-no, don’t take me b-back, don’t – don’t –”

“Shhh, I won’t. Just rest, Jonny.”

Reassured and rocked in Brian’s arms, he slips in and out of consciousness, quickly losing track of where they’re heading. He jolts awake when Brian sets him down on a bed; his own, to be precise. After depositing him there, Jonny expects Brian to leave, his job done, and is surprised by the lump forming in his throat at the thought. Some long buried part of him longs to reach out, grab Brian's hand and hold on –

But Brian makes no move to leave. Instead he stretches out beside Jonny on the bed, not touching him, but close enough that it can be passed off as accidental when he rolls over to lie with his face and forearms pressed against Brian. It doesn’t take long for him to succumb to sleep, confident that Brian will keep him safe.

When he wakes up again, Brian is still there. He doesn’t budge at Jonny’s half-hearted insults, thrown to cover up his embarrassment over Brian seeing him in that state. Finally he gets tired of Jonny’s tomfoolery, and fixes him with the kind of serious stare only Brian can pull off.

“If you want me to leave, I will. Otherwise, stop it.”

Jonny shuts up, and goes very quiet for a while. He squirms a little, but the thought of Brian leaving him makes him feel all cold and queasy. The words seem to stick in his throat, and he has to stop and clear it a few times before he manages to get them out.

“Don’t – don’t go. Stay.”

Brian stays.

And then there’s Tim. Tim, who slept curled in Bertie’s arms until a Lenny shell tore them apart forever; Tim who blew up his moon in retaliation for his loss.

Tim. Angry, beautiful, grieving Tim, who lashes out at anyone who attempts to get too close, not allowing anyone to comfort him. So Jonny turns to the only sensible course of action, and sets out to piss off Tim as much as he can. That way Tim will be forced to temporarily snap out of his state of abject despair, and actually interact physically with someone, even if it’s only to murder him.

It’s an arrangement he’s pleased with, Jonny tells himself, while still recovering after a particularly violent scuffle. Tim had him pinned on the floor, straddling his chest while strangling him slowly, his face radiating fury. After Jonny lost consciousness, Tim must have ripped him limb from limb with his bare hands, judging by the state he revived in, and left.

So now Jonny is very slowly making his way back to his own quarters, aching in a whole host of interesting places that he barely knew could hurt. His slow, limping route takes him past Tim’s door, and of course it’s only a coincidence that he stops there to rest. Yeah, that’s it, he just stops to catch his breath, not to eavesdrop, it’s not his fault that sound carries so well around here. So it isn’t on purpose he hears the muffled wails from inside.

It’s a choice not to immediately keep walking, though. He should have, Jonny knows; Tim doesn’t want anyone around to see how much he hurts. But Jonny doesn't leave. Instead he leans against the wall beside the door to listen, and his chest feels tight at the noises of distress coming from within.

Clenching his fists, Jonny resists the impulse of knocking, just to see what Tim will do, and that’s when the thought pops up for the first time, unbidden and unexpected. I want to hold you when you sleep. Jonny startles. What the fuck? Then he realises with a sinking feeling that it’s true. He wants to hug Tim until he’s calmed down, and hold him the way he remembers that Tim likes until he can sleep easily again…

Oh, fuck. Jonny shoves himself away from the wall and stumbles off in search of something strong to drink.

Fortunately for everyone, but most of all himself, Tim does mellow somewhat, given time. He even comes around to the idea that if he and Jonny are going to share a living space indefinitely, at least most of the time, it’s better not to be on openly hostile terms. It’s more of a relief than Jonny would admit to anyone. Not even to Ashes, despite the fact that he locks himself in their room to collect himself, the first time Tim invites him to a joint shooting practice session.

“Fuck, you’ve got it bad, huh?” Ashes says dryly when Jonny works through a whole pack of cigarettes in quick succession, huddled on their bed. Jonny glares at them.

“I do not.”

Ashes snorts and shakes their head, but thankfully leaves it alone.

Then they find their way to Kind Cole’s war, and it’s great. Jonny loves it, the pointless bloodshed, the tragic backstory, the violence… and best of all, when he asks Tim if he wants to join up as soldiers together, Tim says yes.

It’s amazing. Jonny loves every fucking second of it, and Tim seems to enjoy himself as well. They fight and kill and laugh and sing and die, and Tim, covered in gore and grinning like a madman, is so fucking beautiful it makes Jonny’s heart ache. He wants to lick the blood off Tim's lips, he wants to devour him whole, he wants to brush the dirt off Tim's face and fall asleep with him curled up in his arms…

The problem with being immortal is that neither of them are particularly careful. What does it matter to be shot down when you'll just get up again? Quite a lot, it turns out, if you're thrown into and buried in a mass grave before you've had time to revive.

Jonny swears loudly and keeps digging, occasionally shouting Tim's name. Sifting through the bodies is heavy, nauseating work, the stink of it even making Jonny’s jaded stomach turn.

"Tim!" he yells, the sound muffled by the cloth he's tied over his face. "TIM!"

At first he's afraid that he's picked the wrong grave, but finally, several layers down, something moves.

The first thing Tim does after Jonny manages to extract him from the corpses is to be profusely sick. The second is to flop bonelessly in Jonny’s lap, trembling and drawing huge, gulping gasps of putrid air. It’s clear he’s in no state to move on his own, so after failing to get any coherent responses for a few minutes, Jonny settles for half carrying, half dragging Tim back towards the rebel army camp. He manages to clean the worst of the gunk off them both and relocate them to a mostly empty storage shed, where he tries to make it as comfortable as the situation allows.

The whole time, Tim refuses to let go of him, except for the briefest, most necessary moments. He still hasn’t spoken more than the odd word, but he holds onto Jonny with a white-knuckled grip, and panics when Jonny tries to leave him alone for a minute to fetch a blanket for them.

“D-don’t g-go”, he gasps, “d-don’t l-leave me al-lone, don’t – don’t let th-them b-bury me ag-again.”

“I won’t”, Jonny promises. He helps Tim lie down on some mouldy cushions, and pulls a tattered tarpaulin over them. It’s going to be a cold night, but it’s the best he can do for now. Tim clings to him, still shaking, and Jonny hugs him, once again promising to keep watch. To keep him safe, to bring him home. Fuck knows how he’ll get hold of Nastya on short notice here, but he’ll figure out a way. He doesn’t tell Tim that, though; it doesn’t seem to be the time.

Jonny doesn’t sleep that night, but eventually Tim does, when exhaustion wins out. He wakes up more than once, gasping for air, but calms down a little when Jonny is right there, warm and alive.

And Jonny? Oh, Jonny savours the feel of Tim in his arms, trying to impress every sensation of it in his memory, forcing down the little niggling of guilt at enjoying it so much. It’s not like he’s going to go out of his way to fabricate situations to replicate this one. There are lines even he, Jonny d’Ville, won’t cross, and while he’s many things, most of them bad, he’s not a fucking creep.

It takes them a couple of weeks to get back to the Aurora, most of it spent dodging both the royal army and the rebel one, who’ll shoot deserters on sight. But Tim makes it clear that he’s very much done fighting for the moment, and Jonny doesn’t argue; soldiering isn’t the only way to fulfil a taste for violence in a place like this. And Tim continues to stick unusually close to him, which Jonny relishes in a way he refuses to examine.

However, once back on the ship, he disappears to his own quarters, presumably filled with guns and octokittens, after declaring he needs a break from Jonny for an indefinite amount of time.

It stings. Jonny wanders around the ship, restless and irritable, until he finds himself outside Ashes’ door. Not sure what he hopes for, he knocks.

“Come in”, they call, and Jonny enters, shoving his hands deep into his pockets to hide how sweaty they are.

“Can I, uh. Can I stay here tonight?” he asks without looking at them. Ashes makes a surprised noise in the back of their throat, but manages to grab his wrist before he has time to bolt.

“‘Course, come on.” They drag him inside, and Jonny quickly shrugs out of his belts and outer layers. Then, without speaking, he crawls into bed, lying down to face the wall. Ashes joins him a moment later, curling themself around the curve of his back.

“You don’t have to tell me”, they say. As if he would have! Jonny swallows.

“He thanked me for taking care of him, then told me he didn’t want to see me again for as long as possible, and fucked off.”

“Oh. Huh. Yeah, that’s…” They trail off, which Jonny is thankful for. He burrows into their warmth, closes his eyes tight, and lets their steady breathing lull him to sleep.

---

Detailed CWs: temporary character death, violence, and arson; unhealthy family dynamics; post-traumatic crash; a character gets temporarily buried alive-ish in a massgrave and needs to be dug out (not graphic); emetophobia warning (brief, not graphic); mentions of sex occuring; corpses & war.

#mechtober 2022 #the mechanisms fic #angst #hurt/comfort #vulnerability #jonny/ashes #unrequited jonny-sided hearteyes pining #detailed list of CWs at the bottom of fic below the cut #it's kind of funny how i set out to write a favourite headcanon and ended up not doing mutual hearteyes lol

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wolves-etc · 1 year

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thoughts on The Last Of Us episode three, just yelled at the friend who recced it to me, now edited to remove most of the yelling:

[thoughts on: 1.1 | 1.2 | X | 1.4 | 1.5 | 1.6 | 1.7 | 1.8 | 1.9]

— starting off strong with a) ANGST ABOUT HANDS (MY BELOVED) and b) a moment just appreciating the peace and the view. hey, it's the apocalypse, and there's still natural beauty around <3

— (obligatory "don't move rocks, things live under 'em" PSA but I'm not gonna be the one to ruin his lovely moment)

— I'm impressed with ellie for the… I want to call it boundary setting but it might not be, exactly. the "you made a choice, you needed a truck battery or whatever, don't blame me for something that wasn't my fault" bit. that was brave, especially with how scary joel can be. yes she's had a little time to get to know him, yes she's valuable cargo and she knows it, but he's grieving in a big way and he could make things unpleasant for her if he wanted, so yeah, brave.

— and it's nice that joel just listens and nods - it's not exactly treating her like an adult but it IS acknowledging her as someone who has a point and has a right to be treated fairly, and it's not exactly commonplace for adults to treat kids and teens like that. (though it looked like he had a good relationship with sarah, so I'm not surprised.)

— green <3

— ELLIE ROASTING HIM RELENTLESSLY FOR HIS SCAR AND HIS SHOOTING ABILTIES. I love her I love this

— "there's this one character named mileena who takes off her mask and she has monster teeth and then she swallows you whole and barfs out your bones! oh, man." <3

— "is there anything bad in here?" "just you." "ah, getting funnier." GOOD

— I do not like the dark mystery cellar I am putting socks on again, for fuck's sake. ellie could also do with more anxiety slash survival instincts but kudos to her upper body strength!

— WAS IT WORTH IT FOR TAMPONS, ELLIE. WAS IT WORTH IT

— ellie these things call other things. ellie this is deeply grim. I may have underestimated how much of a murder child she is.

— cordyceps in the food supply is a grim idea. and it does explain how it happened so everywhere and so quickly. (and it means the mycologist's advice to bomb the city might or might not have been enough, if anything had already been sent out.)

— joel answered a question with more than a sentence and ellie said thanks!! I'M SO PROUD OF THEM.

— "there's stuff up there you shouldn't see." "you're too honest, man. should've said axe murderer."

what's NICE about this is it sets a precedent and establishes him as a trustworthy adult, at least in that he tells her stuff and he can be believed. because she's in that transitional age where you kinda have to start treating teenagers like adults with some things - just, adults who are much more fragile and have minimal life experience - and that means giving them freedom to see stuff that might be hard for them. like. um. mass graves. okay I'm adjusting this to fit a zombie apocalypse setting and that's making it a little intense. sorry about that.

— this is a flashback I Did Not Want but also HI IS THAT NICK OFFERMAN. HELLO <3

— nobody told me he was a deranged survivalist with a gas mask I love him already

— nick offerman is resource grinding like there's no tomorrow and I love that for him

— nick offerman you fucking weirdo bastard you booby-trapped the place.

— he's WATCHING THEM ON CAMERA FOR FUN. oh I adore him.

— look at him nick he's pathetic he's funny he has no home, you have room for a stray dog guest don't you

— it's been four years since the outbreak and nick is only just causing someone else happiness (frank having a truly amazing time in the shower) and I'm just struck by that, how nourishing each other lifts us up too, and how nick kept himself starved of that.

— (at this point my friend came online and accidentally let slip that nick offerman's character is called bill)

— (WAIT. BILL AS IN BILL AND FRANK OF "JOEL MENTIONED THESE DUDES" FAME. I'm so proud of them.)

— the view of frank sitting at the table alone, in clean clothes, delighted and bewildered by all the finery, was when my brain drew a Beauty And The Beast comparison and I had to sit back and laugh for several minutes

— bill absolutely deer-in-the-headlights when he comes in to see frank standing up <3 kinda stumbling through the door because two plates and a bottle is more than he normally has to carry <3 adjusting frank's plate until it's Just Right <3 I LOVE BILL

— "I know I don't seem like the type." "no, you do." here we reach the moment that (in gifset form) persuaded me to watch this, and gosh, it's even sweeter in person.

— I don't know if frank was just elbowing in and rifling through the music sheets to get a reaction from bill or not. he could just be kinda oblivious and rude, which is fair enough, given the Extenuating Circumstances. him "accidentally" insisting on bill playing was some kind of deliberate though.

— bill playing the piano and frank looking down at him like oh, oh this is a treasure.

— I've never cried at an on-screen kiss before but oh fuck. the desperation and loneliness of it, holding each other as close as possible. the desperation and loneliness of the lives they've both been living the past four years.

— and what it extends to in the bedroom, the caution on frank's front and the almost-shame on bill's, I don't have words for it but it's thick enough to slice and butter for afternoon tea and it feels so real it hurts.

— three years later and they're having relationship talks, I'm SO proud of them

— frank making friends and making bill's life infinitely harder <3 <3 <3

— the small but significant shift in joel when he says "we can help each other and get that gun out of my face." I almost didn't recognise him until that.

— I've never been happier to see two grown men eating strawberries

— yes, I'm tearing up again

— (at this point I started to cotton on to where this was going and paused to accuse my friend of having recommended the show to me largely for this episode. turns out he did! the mortifying ordeal of being known by your friends.)

— (I also stopped making notes. 'cos it got hard to talk about. the scenes we get with them are all so intimate and the last one, at the dinner table, was so real it felt almost voyeuristic to me - and I didn't want to make any kind of judgement about their decisions. it's a lot. they had sixteen years together, and that part's pretty fucking great, considering. I'm leaving it at that.)

— "I'm guessing you found this, Joel, because anyone else would've been electrocuted or blown up by one of my traps. Hehehehehehehehe." bastard I love him

— "there was one person worth saving. that's what I did. I saved him, and I protected him." oh this is absolutely about joel too.

— "we have a job to do. and god help any motherfuckers who stand in our way." <3 <3 <3

— "I leave you all of my weapons and equipment. Use them to keep [tess safe]." ...well, fuck.

(it's an awful thought, but at least joel didn't love her as much as she loved him.)

— love to see joel being honest about his plans with ellie!

— bewildered to see bill and frank still had TOILET PAPER. bill, buddy, how much did you even STASH

— joel and ellie looking totally like a dad and daughter going on a trip except he says "seatbelt" and she doesn't know what he means and it's not 2003 after all, it's 2023 and they're living in a different world, and that world's gone for good. heck.

yeah so my friend recommended the show to me largely for this episode (bastard <3) and he was Right to. that's my takeaway.

#I don't talk about the tough stuff in any detail below the cut #the last of us hbo #the last of us spoilers #tlou spoilers #angst tag #orig #I really dragged my feet on getting this one together and in the meantime I kinda sorta watched the rest of the series #(and took notes/did yelling along the way. fully planning to tidy that up too. if only 'cos I really want to reach the last two eps.)#my apologies for things that are ouch with context from further eps #I can't edit that kind of thing or I'm not being honest <3

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