#everything feels so heavy and so weird

[cherrysnax]

it’s probably just the depressions and the dissociative disorders but I often feel like I’m just possessing my own dead body

#i feel wrong. fake. gone. in a way that I can never explain #i few twisted like im watching someone just. wither away and I want to help them but it’s me #everything feels so heavy and so weird #and idk it’s like the small things #my lips seem to move different my eyes seems slightly too far apart #my reflection takes too long to change #just a second too long #am I losing my fucking mind #n of course this isn’t helped by the misfit toys #hm. that’s very specific wording that I personally don’t use #I’m not gonna dwell on it too much but I see u #either way #idk I just feel too long too short too unbaalanced #it may be the drink. I feel so much resentment for so many people rn it’s insane but but but the stuff I use to help w my bpd rlly works #just cause I feel like ass at one moment doesn’t my feelings r right n even if people constant treat me like SHIT it doesn’t actually mean #they treat me like shit I just perceive it #at least Chevys back home for another day. so many of those thoughts go away when they’re around #I just wish my brain knew it wasn’t like. always go time I want to be able to relax fr #esp since my ass does NOTHING IM JUST A SACK of shit or something idk #it’s 2am I have to be up at 8 lmaooo i fuckin hate it here. I’ve gathered that I’m just depressed and nothing is actually wrong #well I mean there is. I’m very mentally ill and am constantly surrounded by stressors so I’ll never really be able to heal until I leave #but besides that things r pretty okay :’) I will be okay #I thought abt my butch once and now I’m 60% less breakdowny I love lesbianism

[buttercupshands]

rewatched Kurogiri's holiday story from ultra impact (not related to sketch at all)

(but it did inspire me)

on another note

finally!!

#fanart #sketch #my art #bnha #shigaraki tomura #tenko shimura #kurogiri #I cried a bit while playing it I missed the classic LoV I missed Kurogiri WITH the LoV it's been so long :( #and it feels like last chapter (423 atm) broke the seal of sketching them as anything but something static #it took me two or so days to just understand that Kurogiri is... yeah #I can't believe it took Horikoshi so long to bring him back but as I said and will say it again I glad it happened at all #after some thought I just want to sit with the chapters #anyway getting the preordered book was so much fun #it was full of LoV from Toga and Dabi talking about her house to Tenko being upset over being told that he doesn't have friends #and everything in-between basically only Compress left to join in the next volume #I think???? #I actually want to get another one already they're so goodddd #and the translation sounds pretty good but I checked some pages not the whole book it'll be boring #it's actually so weird to think that I started a goal of reading the whole series ad it was now officially coming out like this back in 201 #and now it's 2024 and the translation is pretty much ahead of anime and maybe it'll be faster than viz volumes too #since it's 2 in 1 basically - I think it's really great since I save some money but get LoV chapters every time #because they appear every 2 books at the start of the series and back then it was hard for me to get them #but I felt content seeing all the books that I bought when I was visiting family for holidays this month because there are so many of them #and I don't need any wi-fi or internet in general to read them back to back now with an addictional volume #they have some mistakes but I don't mind them it feels good to just hold all of them (and a bit heavy after like 8 books) and now it's 18

[phoenixcatch7]

We could make Sqq a transformer in his past life. Like optimus prime sorta transformer. Cybertronian.

He'd be the only surviving seeker (winged guy) on the autobots side (I don't know all the canons but I don't think they have, like, any). Pretty young when the war started - unfathomably ancient for humans, the kiddie of the group to them.

And he arrives on earth. Discovers the Internet. Immediately gets hooked on critiquing stupid Web novels in every language, which being a sentient machine he can do at great speed without forgetting anything. Decides to read the final chapter during a battle because he's so close to the end and airplane had better pull SOMETHING good. Is so infuriated (distracted) by the ending he messes up and immediately gets killed by some low level decepticon. After FIVE MILLION years of war he gets offed by some loser over a stupid human story that wasn't even very good. He dies SO furious.

And then he gets reborn a human.

He is, as the kids say, big mad.

How by Primus do they do anything??

#I can't decide if back on earth it's post reveal or not because the revelation that a cybernetic alien soldier was the one being catty in #the comment section of his harem story would break sqh. It'd be so funny if he didn't believe him tho #Sqq trying so hard to blend in when he knows basically nothing about even modern human norms outside of stories and memes #No one can decide if Sqq just has hallucinations or has been possessed by an eldritch monster #Sqq: *under his breath because his thoughts are so hard to hold on to now* I MISS being able to fly myself #Sqq: *drops important items like xiuya because he keeps forgetting he doesn't have hammer space anymore* *heavy sigh* #Sqq: *does a weird twist of his limbs because he can no longer turn into a vehicle* *mortified* #Mqf: shixiong... Is everything alright? #Sqq; who's been trying to air drop his medical information to his hard drive because he's too squeamish to say it out loud: yeah - Yes. #Sqq with great feeling: humans... Are so SOGGY. You're all so SQUISHY and full of all sorts of nasty FUILDS. I have to consume SO much #And all I get is SMELLY #No wonder your species started global warming #Sqh: bro can you not?? #He adores lbhs cooking tho. #svsss #shen qingqiu #transformers #scum villain's self saving system #the scum villain's self saving system #scum villain #He's an idiot but he's an incomprehensibly ancient battle hardened 7m tall metal warrior squished into mortal form idiot #He is not picking up the signs lbh is putting down #At least once he figures out human limitations he can be a good strategist again

[bunnihearted]

goddess the body feels sooo good after a workout 🫠

#it feels so warm and heavy and so comfortable omg #have y'all heard about exercise and stretching it is amazing owo #my thighs are super gooey tho like can barely sit and stand #luv it!!! #it feels extra good bc i woke up today super depressed (bc yesterday was rough) #and i just wanted to keep my earplugs in and cry and stay in bed all day #but somehow i managed to get up and walk all the way to the gym #and i worked out for almost 2hrs lol like when i get started i dont wanna leave #i did more on the crosstrainer (my bby i love the crosstrainer) and i dared to use the leg machine i wanted #i could adjust the seat this time phew. and i tried just one bump heaver weight for everything too #owoowowow and for some reason i didnt totally wanna throw up when i had to observe myself in the mirror skskk #so yeah it was a good session today ^-^ #as always tho i do feel stupid and inadequate... bc almost everyone who is there is in great shape #and they know what they're doing and they're doing complicated exercises with very heavy weight and im there #with my 2kg dumbells getting strains in my wrists (im careful tho dw!!!!!) #im definitely doing it at a very low level but last time i worked out was before my knee got fucked and before all of these weird pains #😃😃😃 so im not even as strong as i was when i was overweight.. i never felt weak when i was #but i go to the gym because i enjoy it since it's fun and even the low intensity stuff i do makes my body feel nice #and if i keep going regularly for years maybe i'll also get in good shape and do more and more stuff #i wanna be a gym bunny!!!!!! #i used to actually love the gym so much i wanted to work at one skksks

[thelastspeecher]

apparently one of my cousins was just accepted into a master's writing program at an Ivy League school

and that's why I almost never go on Facebook 🙃

#look. do I even think I could handle a master's in writing at an Ivy League? #.....I mean. I think so. I managed a master's in geoscience at one of the top geology schools in the nation. #(....''managed'' is doing some VERY heavy lifting there lnjasdknf) #but do I want to do that? no. #do I still feel weird and like I'm wasting my life and everyone else is more accomplished than me? yes. #it does help a bit that the cousin in question has outright told me her success is in large part from her father pushing her v hard #(he did the same thing to her siblings) #and that she kinda fucking hates how she was pushed to succeed so much #like I don't wish that on anyone but it does help me to put into context her success. it comes at a cost. like everything else. #and to be frank it's not a cost I'm willing to pay at this point in my life. #I still feel weird and uhhhhh incompetent I guess would be the best word tho #also like I'm wondering why she's going to an Ivy League when she's already at one of the top writing schools #maybe distance from her family....in which case. godspeed cuz. #ANYWAYS I have a v accomplished family that I at times feel inferior to despite my own accomplishments #and no that has no influence on my OC Angie's own similar feelings why would you think that #(my family would be upset if they knew I felt inferior btw no one makes me feel bad other than my own brain) #(I have a v loving and supportive family and am v blessed to have them~) #whine whine whine

[junotter]

sometimes researching for avatar redesigns has you 6 layers deep into the Japan's Meiji era allies wiki

#im trying to mess with some of the stuff that feels weird about the ways the fire nation is depicted idk #like i do not feel optically it is good for like them to be so heavily based on japan's imperialist actions #while dressed in clothes that come from places japan colonized #but i dont want it to just be solely japanese though i did draw zuko and azula in hakama but its largely cause i wanted to draw hakama #and like the only place with strong japanese influence being kiyoshi island and my own frustration with the modern day samurai depiction #i think fundamentally it isnt a choice that had as much thought as i am putting in put into it but it does raise an eyebrow for me #anyway i think keeping the thai influence is fine despite the brief invasion japan had into thailand due to thailand then allying with japa #and further allying with the axis due to allying with japan #ugh and ive been told not to think this much about it because its fiction but its also fiction so so so heavily based on real places #and when you base fiction on real cultures you fall into some unintentional pitfalls #i also fucking hate the royal fire nation robes they look so meh and the most costumey out of everything in the show #they look like heavy blankets despite being a supposedly hot nation #theres ways to have heavy robes (heian era japan) but they look like i make them out of fleece and velvet blankets #back to kiyoshi island i think the really only aesthetically japanese reference in the show being an island of noble warriors is lame #plus over done #it feels like nowadays theres a lot of people who get all whiney about people saying fire nation is based off japan #but like dude the creators in the comics and korra like go even more into the japanese influence and clearly it was the original intentions #also i do think you could do some pretty interesting world building by having say there be an older cultural influence on kiyoshi island #from the fire nation especially if the place is established as a central port area then you tie in some okinawan or even hawaiian reference #and gives an explanation that makes sense to why kiyoshi stands out from the rest of the earth kingdom you have long term cultural trading #and it establishes interesting relationships even pre kiyoshi time thereby drawing back onto some real historic references #cause for awhile ryukyu china and japan used to be this trading triangle which could explain some of these various influences going on #i think you can get a really interesting harmony when you create the fire nation out of a mix of japan and thailand #i mean both have these floating buildings due to living on some pretty wet lands and theres harmony in that mix #god i did see one person go like “fire nation is more based on china because theres a lot of red and red is important in china” #my brother in christ red is also important in japan #red is important in like many many asian cultures #i mean of course a lot of that importance stems from china and cultural exchange with china but idk kinda silly to say with your whole ches #like if you want to bring china in then the dragons are the biggest thing like sure some mythos has dragons in japan #but a lot of those comes from china in some way

[boar-cry]

hm.

#admittedly ive been wanting to write something for the submastwins and have been cooking a shortstory on the backburner for about a week now #however. ive noticed quite a few stories are uhm. i dont want to use wholesome. but they're pretty... 'light' in a way. #and that's not really my style. yk? #im all about the grit and bones of a story. the grief and pain that comes with being alive. if it aint angst then it aint me! kind of stuff. #not to say the wholesome stuff is bad! but it feels weird writing something so heavy amidst everything else. #anyways. guess ill just see how this turns out

[greghatecrimes]

so it turns out that it actually does take longer than several weeks to recover from burnout

#i mean obviously i knew that logically but. i’m so used to going nonstop that i just keep expecting to throw myself back into everything #right this second #ive only been Not Consumed By Urgent Stress for like 2.5 weeks and it’s. weird. anyways #my body feels a bit less heavy now #personal #if i were in the victorian era id get sent to the seaside for four months or sth #lmao

[monstriiss]

.

#gonna get kinda heavy in the tags since im stuck on mobile and cant drop a read more but i need to vent fam squad #god I want to come back but i just don't know how to talk #like i feel like i cant just spring back into conversation like everything is okay and fine #because its not and i dont know how to get over the mental barrier of talking about normal things #it's a really weird feeling and i know im isolating myself but i just dont know what else to do #like i can talk to my family that were there for it. i can talk to people that have been through it #idk i just feel really disconnected #my friends try to talk to me about things and i just cant relate anymore #and they dont get it either. none of my friends have lost their parents and especially havent seen someone die #and they dont know how to talk about it so now its like none of us bother #theres things that happened that i cant say and tbh im pretty haunted #to them its been ages since mum died but to me its only two weeks and still feels like yesterday #i think im pulling away just so i dont have to deal with the hurt of being dropped first #im glad that i have some good close friends that i CAN talk to about things and im so grateful for them #but hoooo boy everything hits different now #tiejfkeie boy am i glad i get to see my therapist tomorrow dkfjskfndk #;; ooc. #death tw #parent death tw #negative tw #;; tbd.

[starbuckaroo]

I think I would be happier w bucktommy all these episodes down the line if Tommy still interacted with or asked after Eddie. I know there’s a lot the show doesn’t put onscreen so there’s no reason why it couldn’t have plausibly happened or couldn’t still happen (and I hope it does), but Tommy was Eddie’s friend first! They hung out a lot!

And yet, since he got together with Buck, we haven’t gotten to see them interact.

Granted, there hasn’t been a lot of screen time for Tommy and that’s fine, it’s a short season w very little room to breathe. This isn’t some sort of angry anti bucktommy tirade. But it does make me just a tad uncomfortable the way things are at this moment. Bc it’s not a stretch to theorize that maybe Tommy was hoping things Eddie might go somewhere and when they didn’t, he tried with Buck. I don’t think that’s supported by the text, but it’s also not negated, either. Idk. It’s not a huge deal at the moment, just a little snag?

Listen I am a buck fan but I am an eddie fan!!!!!!! And I am so so sad for eddie this season it’s been rly fucking rough on him! Not like buck needs to change anything (except not be a jealous freak and lash out physically if he can’t use his words), like I said I’m here for bucktommy I think they’re great. But like. Where’s the awkward “hey how do we hang out now that you two make out sometimes” or whatever?? We deserve to see that tbh! It’s a more common issue in queer circles, that ppl have to slip in and out of romantic/platonic interactions when people partner up or break up. It’s also the first time either of them have dated anyone within the LAFD and so it’s the first time this could ever have even come up!

Idk man. Just I keep thinking about how happy eddie seemed when he was hanging out w Tommy and maybe it’s just bc that ep was meant to be from Buck’s pov but i don’t know what’s worse, thinking it WAS real and now he doesn’t get to have that friendship anymore or that it WASNT real and he was never actually having that good of a time.

MY REAL POINT is that anyone who WAS or IS a buddie shipper or anyone who likes Eddie at all has to acknowledge how important buck and eddie are to each other, right? Which means that in any relationship that either of them ever have, if they want it to be serious and have long term potential, they actually need to integrate their partner with their best friend.

Maybe this is too weird for some ppl? It’s always seemed like a given, like if there’s someone new and important in my life, I def want my best friend to meet them and like them bc I want us all to be able to spend time together! I don’t want to feel split between them all the time! And esp with Tommy already having connections with most of the 118/main cast, and particularly Eddie, it would make sense for us to see them interacting!

Idk. I’m probably wanting too much from my network tv show lol I just. I will literally never take bucktommy seriously as a pairing if they don’t manage to address the Eddie of it all. And not in a “address the fact that buck loves him” contrived jealousy nonsense. I mean address the fact that their lives are bound together! And it predates anyone that either of them will ever date! Plus imagine the character growth it would take for Buck to send Tommy to Thursday basketball with like a plate of cookies and orange slices or something but not show up himself. Be like “have fun with the boys, slap Eddie’s ass for me” or whatever 😂 I would believe Buck was finally on his way to being ready for a long term adult relationship if they managed that, is all I’m saying

#that’s a lie I sure said an awful lot. good lord I’ve never been brief a day in my life I just can’t shut up #buddie #bucktommy #eddie diaz #this season? everything is always about eddie for me (and for buck lbr) #sometimes the show is so heavy handed with it it’s started to feel smothering tbh but I’m not rly gonna complain #I just think Tommy would feel less like a plot device at times if they could flesh things out WITH eddie bc that’s where this started! #but it’s cool I mean I’m happy to watch buck hang out with a love interest and not act all weird and performative #it’s good for his character #I am just always thinking about eddie

[todayisafridaynight]

time a flat circle why the hell am i usin the same loafers i bought for one cosplay of my fave antagonist for another fave antagonist

#snap chats #can i even call it cosplay. why are police sirens going off in the bg oh my god shut UP #anyway yeah ill elaborate. Super Snap Stalkers will remember my p4 era and will remember the time i did in fact do an adachi cosplay #i deleted the og post like an hour later. plus that blog's gone. but im sure some freak can find it if they dig hard enough #ew i think i was 17/18 in that pic (not at all that long ago) ok anyway. #i use the same loafers for my aoki outfit. and yeah i do Regularly wear my rgg outfits i TOLD YOU its functional cosplay i QUIT #just funny that like.... damn everything always goes back to square one LOL #these busted ass old ass loafers still rockin with me years later #if im feeling cheeky i think i will post all my rgg outfits actually. for halloween #hang on gotta be depressed and cringe for a moment #cause ive always liked cosplay but whenever i did it it never felt. Good Looking #like i always just felt like my face never worked for the charas i wanted to portray and so thats why i say with a heavy heart #that aoki's round-ass square-ass head is perfect LOL it makes me wanna throw up looking in the mirror #i got the same weird lips. ok not that squished Similar but Its Awful that he makes me feel comfortable with my face now #at least my eyebags arent double deckered... i at least look like i get sleep.. some days. #breaking !!!! objectively one of the most vile bitches in this franchise makes you feel comfortable with your body and existence #NAW to continue from last post if i had a webcam i prob coulda done a cosplay y7 stream LOL thatd be funny #anyway since this tag ramble is just pure cringe let me round it off with a final bit of cringe #the Forbidden Mention of my trans masato hc cause one reason why i have a Teehee over the thought is how raspy his voice is #and i only really now realized how right i was tonight because my prof called on me to speak and when i tried speaking DAWG. #the forbidden acknowledgement of Myself GROSS #BUT DAWG MY THROAT WAS FUCKIN CRUSTY it felt like sandpaper EW?? WATER FOR YOU?? christ. i hope that was just a one-time thing #ok im leaving now BYE

[qualityrain]

shaking you and telling you its actually genius for tachibana to make shinpei a yandere which is a selfish character trope to foil satoko & kotaros selflessness its the two extremities of being selfish to the point of hurting others v the selflessness to the point of hurting yourself the way its literally a perfect foil to satoko marrying for her family like the way satoko was intending to marry whoever accepts her illness and engagement talk first and shinpei accepting the first marriage proposal from somebody who accepted his killings the whole “in the end ill put my feelings first even if it makes you unhappy” and satoko willing to have a marriage of convenience even if it makes her unhappy the wh(im forcefully dragged away)

#claude txt #my love is a bit much/heavy the way its a burden!!! satoko does everything to try be as less of a burden as possible!!! #feeling so insane abt them #so ill. so unwell. #they were made for each other etc etc etc #hny issooo weird to me because rheyre sooooo different but it just somehow works!!! #i dont know how it works im so surprised at how it works #like it should be a flaming pile of toxic waste but its actually lowk healthy how r they making the rs work insane

[blueish-bird]

sorry if I don’t remember your name or conversations/experiences or basic things about myself, every few weeks my brain gets factory reset and I have to relearn how to be alive

#lighthearted but also serious bc what is going on here buddy #been feeling weird as hell these past few months #like I can remember some stuff… but it doesn’t feel normal to forget the names of anyone I haven’t seen/heard the name of in a few days #or forget about basic interests and personality traits and experiences and feel like a blank slate every day #idk like ultimately life goes on and I’m happy to live in the moment but it would be nice to understand why my brain is doing this #just thinking #meposting #I think my brain just. does this sometimes when I’m stressed. which is annoying #I recall (lmao) feeling similar during earlier parts of life so this isn’t *new* it’s just unexpected and much more disruptive as an adult #I’m feeling better about it than I was. after like. acknowledging it. bc my mind has not always felt like a sieve it isn’t always this bad. #whatever #I’ll tag as dissociation just in case it’s related/reminiscent and ppl don’t want to see that #dissociation #me and her go way back… haven’t seen each other in years though #she wasnt all bad! coping mechanisms can provide relief and a sense of safety #and as far as coping mechanisms go it’s not the most unhealthy. though it ranks high in ‘socially stunting’ #I kind of miss the distance sometimes to be honest everything’s just So Much all the time #I’m so solid now #so stuck in the ruts of capitalism #fuck capitalism #I wish my imagination didn’t feel so dulled #sorry I love talking #and I don’t miss dissociation when I feel mentally present because I feel so Here with the people and things I love but rn? #it’s like a lose-lose bc I am not Here nor am I untethered. I’m heavy yet hold nothing #I enjoy being dramatic/poetic about it — I feel pretty fine. I just hope this isn’t a permanent and/or long-term state of existence. #like it makes me awful at my job I went from remembering a solid amount of the student body’s names (built up over a few years) to. like 5. #overnight it felt like. like Stressful Thing happened and I went to work and I couldn’t remember anyone’s names. #can’t believe I have to start from fucking scratch AGAIN I’d be better off quitting and working at a different school #bc at least then my lack of knowledge/remembering is justified rather than strange and seemingly rude #I’m getting better now but at the beginning of this it was blue screen in my brain all the time

[fabulouslygaybean]

skin picking issues are great when you have facial hair growing in. this is lovely

#(heavy sarcasm) #im trying so hard not to pick at it but it's a different texture than all the other hair on my face and it's uncomfortable #my chin feels AWFUL #everything's growing in unevenly and it's scratchy but only in tiny little patches and i hate it #if it was more even i wouldn't care #but right now it's scratchy and weird and patchy and i hate it

[afieldinengland]

.

#i’m starting to wonder if i hate myself for having been born a transsexual #it’s not shame— but there’s something in the way i think about myself that’s deep and bitter. i don’t know. well i’ve never enjoyed myself #in general. i’ve never been ashamed of it and i’ve never been proud of it in fact i hate talking about it entirely #and i’ve realised i don’t even like thinking about it too deeply. too knee-deep in history’s men-image #(by which he means richard ii and oscar wilde and injured knights with long hair and poets on laudanum and artists on cocaine) #i feel sick. it isn’t a sickness because i can’t be ‘cured’ and i don’t want to be and it’s intrinsic but modern vocabulary feels heavy in #my mouth and puts me in a petri dish. even ‘transsexual’ feels like uber modern parlance sometimes. i can’t do it #but that’s the word. just sometimes i think it would have all been easier if things had gone otherwise. and i know that makes me bad at thi #i have to speak to you in your language. and i don’t know what i mean by that or even where that thought comes from. it’s your language #i should be in the bronze age right now i’m sorry i got waylaid. i got lost #i can’t stop being it but if i think too much about it i start wanting to eat my own fingers and i think— and this is my hypothesis— #it’s because i’ve never enjoyed myself i’ve never been in a healthy relationship and i can’t remember the last time i had fun #but then that’s another thing i’m not made for. that’s a lie there is a desperate aesthete in here who has been so starved of hedonism for #as long as i’ve had him that he’s hoarse. i’m tired i’ve been walking for nine hundred years my feet hurt #i don’t know. why me why now et cetera. i’m just wondering if i don’t despise myself a bit for it— like it’s a trick i did in a past life #again. it’s a privilege. it’s more intrinsic to my personhood than blood type or astigmatism or that weird thing i have with my hip #and i could be proud of it if only i could work out how. i’m content— in the same way i’m content with everything— but i don’t know. #i don’t like talking about it i don’t like thinking about it because it feels like i’m losing the game i’m constantly playing against mysel #in my head. i’m my own personal spin doctor you see #whatever. sorry. in light of doing better i can get this out too. can you believe i haven’t been kissed in years

[ankhisms]

i dont want to be brave about it all any more i want to scream and cry but i must continue on somehow

#i am not beating the delusional allegations of being a character in a badly written story where the author whos writing me #is just being super heavy handed with their symbolism and metaphors and keeps having bad things happen or has me fuck up #in a way thats like hey wink wink nudge nudge dont forget about the metaphor and themes with reys character and its like great thanks you #suck at this. why do you love making things go wrong for me. its almost comical at this point. #i keep thinking that i kind of wish i could just turn off all my feelings because i feel things so much but on the other hand #there have been plenty of times when ive been hollow and havent felt anything or havent been the person in control and have been #unreal and not in my body. but its like god this sucks why am i so bad at everything. why cant i get anything right. why am i #never good enough both at things i try really hard to do and also just never good enough existing in general. there will always #be something inherently weird and inherently strange and offputting about me. anyway im stopping now before i spiral more #i just need to sleep and bottle it up and just make it thru