#extremely fucking exhausting

[corpsegold]

Typing that out has had me panicking and freaking out sweating for the past few hours. I've been miming to myself and rehearsing talking to the woman about it and the only way I can describe how overwhelming and intense this feels is that it's like when I came out to my mum. What the fuck does THAT say

#i feel like throwing up #like anger mixed with shame mixed with a very strange relief mixed with a lots of hating myself and being exhausted #jesus christ its like hard to think about #to be honest i convince myself i have a new mental illness every few months this is probably just the next in a long series #ive had this realization several times over the years but i normally block it out and it makes a huge mood drop #talking to the alcohol guy and this woman and what the p.doc said where theyve been questioning my usual excuses or reasons i tell myself #has got me thinking about it again and this time my mood is clearer and ive typed it out rather than passed out and reading it back is #extremely fucking exhausting #it literally feels like coming out to my mum #what the actual f u c k #bro this is too much #jesus christ #its fine its probably just traits lol like its not the end of the world im literally fine #it literally cant be bad if i can see it #maybe its not true at all like im just completely wrong about this or im missing something or not understanding myself clearly #i need to feel like i can live the life i want one day otherwise i dont know how im gonna cope lmao #im tired of grieving for a person i never was #i cant cope with the idea that i might never get to be that person #ive been too scared to try on my own and if people cant teach me how to try or tell me I'll likely never be able to have normal relatnships #and be liked and secure and feel proud of myself and stop disappointing my parents #oh my god #anyway #just got a notif from the abstinence counting app it says #continuous effort is the key to unlocking our true potential #ig mb thats cool #whatever

[wildflowercryptid]

florian's always struggled to make friends so he didn't really have any back in galar... uh, actually — it might be more accurate is that he USED to have one...

headcanon explanation + bonus under the cut!

like mentioned above, florian has always struggled a lot with making friends. while he's a kindhearted and friendly kid, he can come across as kinda intense to others, ( especially when discussing his interests, ) and that's led to him often being alienated amongst his peers. though he's grown used to being by himself and has learned to not care if others dislike him, he still hopes that he can find at least a few people to connect with outside of his family. it's a hope that's always been present, ever since he was growing up in wyndon.

of course, he wasn't the only loner amongst his childhood peers. around 7 years old, he found a friend in bede fee, who attended the same primary school as him. bede themself wasn't exactly the friendliest kid out there and often had spats with people who made fun of them for their family's low-income status, but florian managed to get them to warm up to him. the two got along pretty well and found comfort in having a friend that seemed to understand them, both being lonely kids who were often picked on by others. after a while, they became pretty much inseparable as they frequently played, read, and laughed together. to florian, it didn't matter that people picked on him just as long as he had bede there to be his friend. bede shared a similar sentiment... at least, at first he did.

admittedly, florian has a habit of resting on his laurels when it comes to things he doesn't have an interest in improving. ( it doesn't matter if he isn't as good of a battler as his sister, all he needs is to be strong enough to keep himself safe during field research. it doesn't matter if he's ostracized amongst his peers and looked down upon, he's alright as long as he has someone to call a friend. etc, etc. ) bede, however, couldn't keep themself from caring about their place in the pecking order. they were sick of others looking down on them, sick of others thinking they were better than them. they just couldn't understand how florian could stand people treating him poorly without getting angry. over time, frustration and resentment towards his attitude festered inside them. these feelings were only exacerbated by their struggles at home and being sent to the orphanage. while they would still call each other friends, their bond had definitely become strained.

everything came to a head when they were both 11 years old, when rose visited bede's orphanage and his acknowledgement caused a major shift in their personality. after all, someone that important seeing their potential surely meant that they better than their peers, right? they soon became much more pompous and rude in nature. florian still stayed close by despite bede's worsening attitude towards him, but it wasn't before long until all of their pent-up feelings came flooding out. their friendship ended with massive fight, with bede telling florian that they were sick of being weighed down by an " annoying pest " like him. while they expected for him to take their cruel remarks in stride like he always did with everyone else, bede couldn't help but feel a little guilty when florian ran off in tears. the two stopped talking after that fight and ever since then, there's always a worry in the back of florian's mind that his friends will eventually get sick of him like bede did. ( thankfully, the friends he's made since then have helped make him feel a lot more secure in their relationships. )

apologies for the long-winded explanation, here's the bonus i promised to make up for how sad this hc got :

the goofy ass side effect of coming up with this headcanon is realizing that they accidentally shaped each others' taste in guys rip

#hi pls enjoy my extremely niche headcanon #gotta love early childhood friendships that irreversibly fuck up your ability to connect w/ others #( totally not talking from experience nope nah ) #i like to imagine them meeting again in their 20s and acting like catty exes ( despite never dating or having rom feelings for each other ) #okay i'm feeling exhausted i need to sleep #pokemon #pokemon scarlet and violet #pokemon sword and shield #pkmn scarvio #pkmn swsh #pokemon bede #rival bede #pokemon florian #trainer florian #hc : (pkmn) mjverse #chara : florian russel cavallari #chara : bede fee #chara : victor pottinger #chara : ortega regino #🎨 : mj draws #🕰️ : scheduled post

[svtskneecaps]

dude how the fuck is it that everyone on this server has insane chemistry with each other. my brain just fuckin bounces between dynamics like wow foolish and bad, wow baghera and forever, wow baghera and bagi, wow philza and etoiles, wow fit and pac, wow pac e mike, wow favela five AND six (bagi screeching "DON'T MESS WITH FAVELA" paraphrased had my mental hamster wheel hitting unprecedented rpms), wow the french and the french + bebou, wow antoine and mouse, wow bagi and tina, wow tina and forever, wow morning crew, wow slime and mariana WHO I'VE SEEN INTERACT LIVE O N E TIME, wow rivers and roier wow, wow rivers + the vaca crew, wow girl town, wow jaiden and roier, wow baghera bad and forever, wow forever and cellbit, wow cellbit and tazercraft, wow cellbit and roier, wow quackity and etoiles, wow phil and forever, wow bad and etoiles, wow tina and etoiles (fucking love them), wow aypierre and maximus (what the fuck, love it), wow foolish and jaiden (and also bad), wow missa and phil, holy shit jaiden and cellbit, jesus christ antoine and maximus and SEE

I AM MISSING A MILLION INTERACTIONS THAT I HAVE ABSOLUTELY GONE INTO MY SIBLING'S TEXTS TO SAY "GOD I LOVE THEM" AND I GUARANTEE I WILL ADD TO AND UPDATE THIS LIST WITH MORE (bc wit of the staircase) there is so much enrichment in my enclosure my brain literally doesn't know what to do with it. i've stalled out. i'm so happy. how the fuck did they do this.

additionally, bc i KNEW i'd forget something: foolish and vegetta (HOW), cellbit and baghera, baghera and fit, mouse and cellbit

#qsmp #shut up vic #block game brainrot #i'm literally so excited for whenever german and lenay find time to play #esp bc i haven't seen german since his first day and i'm excited to get to know him #im really glad lenay was able to be there for the timer event that was really cool to see her there #honestly that goes for all the members i haven't been able to see on much #like niki and luzu and mariana and the like #genuinely i'm just so happy watching these people bounce off each other #their energy is incredible and it's so fun to watch #this is not an exhaustive list and i think that's really telling that i can name so many fucking dynamics and still not have named them all #i'm extremely happy. this is very cool what they've managed to do. holy fuck man. i'm never gonna be able to express it fully.

[ganondoodle]

in light of the news that riot games is letting go 11% of their workers (over 500 people), including long time workers responsible for big parts of the best lore in the entire league ip, AND cutting down LoR AND abandoning Riot Forge (the best idea they had in years lol)-

i stopped playing league a long time ago for multiple reasons, but one of the big ones were my annoyance with the increasingly shit ass monetization (thats only getting WORSE and MORE exploitative) and my frustration with its constant boring ass design decisions (like every new champ being either sexy girly girl that looks like all of the rest of them or sexy guy thats also starting to have the same problem plus all skins putting female champs in just another dress no matter how monsterfied the male champs were-) with my only interest in it being the lore and the attachment i felt to certain characters

im not even really interested in arcane anymore .. i was looking forward to it bc i like fortiches work alot but given how riot immedaitely wanted to make it canon (a dumb and stupid idea) after the first season was successful, which already made it less enjoyable for me, this is just ... idk, what does it matter

these news together with how bafflingly badly written totk was and its subpar quality (especialyl for that PRICE) that made me fear the future of loz yet it was still wildly sucessful (we deserve better than this!!), the recent commercial success of the plagiarism pokemon slavery/trafficking game and the general situation of the games industry, with AI rampant and CEOs sucking it up to shareholders only, constant massive lay offs everywhere in every studio

i have little hope left there will be new, good, games from big studios .. what an exhausting shitty world we live in

#ganondoodles talks #random #personal #save me good indie games #good indie games.... #good indie games save me .. #im well aware that there are more important things than video games #but this just adds to the oeverall exhausting feeling of everything everywhere in every industry and every part of the world getting worse #like fuck #cant soemthing good be happening for once #maybe less death and destruction #both literally and in an artistical sense #genuinely not looking forward to anything anymore #im not gonna dare to hope for a new good loz game bc hell it will be years and totk was a grim view into the future of the franchise #i dont want to be disappointed like this again- #i wanna mention again that i set my expectation extremely low for totk- all i wanted was a sequel to botw- or just a good game #and my god was it not #dont try to argue with me #im angry and tired

[moghedien]

i swear if you people start uwuifying OCD like you did with ADHD and autism I'm going to start attacking

#the general idea of what OCD is already so fucking wrong and harmful #if you start being like 'oh my little meow meow is so OCD' or 'its not a disorder its just a different way of thinking uwu' #I'M GOING TO FUCKING KILL #ALL OF MY EARLIEST CHILDHOOD MEMORIES FROM AGE 3 AND UP ARE OF HAVING PANIC ATTACKS #PLEASE GO FUCK YOURSELVES THIS IS A MISERABLE FUCKING DISORDER ITS NOT CUTE ITS NOT QUIRKY ITS THE REASON I HAD GRAY HAIR AS A TEENAGER #i saw this like 'i let the intrusive thoughts win' isn't something people use all the time for like dying their fucking hair #its exhausting how many people what to be all 'mental illness needs to be more accepted' #and then in the next sentence want to deny that your mental illness is actually harmful to you and doesn't negatively affect you #and its just because society doesn't accept your different way of thinking uwu #NO I LITERALLY WOULD HAVE KILLED MYSELF AS A TEENAGER IF SOMEONE HAD CONVINCED ME THAT MY MENTAL ILLNESS WAS NORMAL AND FINE #figuring out that something was Wrong with my brain was like the best moment of my life #and this 'no you just think differently don't try to change' attitude may be helpful in SOME CASES #but that shit needs to me pulled back on A LOT online because that framing can be extremely harmful to some people (like me) #knowing exactly what is wrong with my brain is literally the only way I'm able to not let it affect me #and it not affecting me is literally the only way I can function and live happily #like you understand that some people do genuinely have things wrong with them #and telling them they don't is beyond cruel

[syn4k]

ok give me like two hours to write a oneshot about lag-induced chronic pain and its effects on players (specifically in minecraft)

#ray's tag #'ray how do you have such a good idea of what lag feels like' you see. In our headspace when our brain is going a billion miles an hour #i have to focus up here to move around and talk and things #so when our brain is going haywire i am sometimes physically unable to focus #and it affects my physical state pretty heavily. it manifests as me basically glitching the fuck out #it is NOT fun it is EXTREMELY exhausting and VERY painful. and also from what my headmates have told me pretty scary to watch. #so yeah lets just say that i have experience with this sort of thing #also i played mcpe on a kindle fire for almost ten years and my internet connection was TERRIBLE #rip my ping when i tried to play mineplex

[swallowtail-ageha]

Petronius arbiter... save me petronius arbiter...

#reading the satyricon rn its really fucking good #i actually think some parts of it (the sex scenes) being missing actually makes the thing funnier #because you'll see at first encolpius &Co agreeing to quartillia's sex request enthusiastically #and then it cuts to them being more and more exhausted by the more and more extreme sex positions #like that part where she literally puts then in a shibari and fucks them lol #its like a proto version of the futurama death by snu snu scene

[krispiecake]

tell me why i can hear another tenants fucking music from my flat. HE DOESNT EVEN LIVE IN MY BUILDING. HE LIVES IN A COMPLETELY SEPARATE BUILDING ON THE SECOND FLOOR AND I CAN HEAR HIS MUSIC FROM MY FLAT. MY FLAT WHICH IS IN A DIFFERENT SEPARATE BUILDING.

#and staff just say ‘oh we can’t do anything bc its not 11pm yet.’ #ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS. #i am autistic person who has just spent a full 12hrs in extremely overstimulating public spaces #i am exhausted and i have had to wake up at ass o’clock in the fucking morning #every day for the past like week and a half and will be expected to do so for the forseeable future #i am extremely sensitive to noise and have no ability to zone things out #like everything is always at the same volume for me #all the fucking time no matter what #and they say like oh well in the community there wouldnt be anything to be done so we cant do anything here #BUT WE ARENT IN THE COMMUNITY. ARE WE. WE ARE AT A SUPPORTED LIVING ACCOMMODATION WHERE I HAVE BEEN PLACED #BY MY LOCAL AUTHORITY WHO ARE PAYING TWENTY THREE GRAND A YEAR #AND I AM PAYING FIVE HUNDRED A MONTH #IN ORDER TO RECIEVE SUPPORT FOR MY DISABILITIES. A BIG ONE BEING MY FUCKING AUTISM. #YOU KNOW. THE ONE WHICH IS BEING DIRECTLY IMPACTED BY THE BEHAVIOUR OF ANOTHER TENANT. #WHEN I AM BEING PUSHED TO MY LIMIT ALREADY. LIKE IDK FEELS KINDA CRAZY THAT THIS ISNT SOMETHING THAT CAN BE SORTED. #i fucking hate men there is just literally no fucking respect or consideration like its genuinely disgusting and so fucking infuriating #and like he says that staff (women. btw) are being too naggy about it. but never fucking stops to consider that maybe. #maybe people wouldnt have to ‘nag’ you about it IF YOU JUST. DIDNT DO THE THING THAT IS ACTIVELY CAUSING OTHER PEOPLE STRESS. #IDK FUCKING WILD IDEA JUST THOUGHT OF IT. #literally die i want everyone involved to die like I CANNOT DO THISSSSSSSSSSSS

[dramatic-dolphin]

making gendered 3rd person singular pronouns for your conlang? boring. making a ton of 1st person singular pronouns that denote a bunch of things which can be gender (but is usually not)? NOW we're talking.

#non-exhaustive list of what the 1st person singular pronouns in my fantasy conlang mean: #your humblest servant #your humblest servant but also i'm nonbinary #i am extremely detached from this situation and don't care about you #i am so fucking important and probably a woman or royalty #i am but a child/very young person from the countryside and i don't know anything aw shucks #i am wise and respected OR i am a history nerd. it's anyone's guess really #i am DEFINITELY a history nerd (masculine edition)

[honestlyvan]

Let me be absolutely clear -- the problems with Tumblr will keep getting worse if the disabled minority and the trans people and the people frothing at the mouth at the opportunity to yell at a transphobe, keep @’ing staff and the developers on this site, tell them to kys, because in the meanwhile the transphobes and racists and white supremacists will keep using the actual tools Tumblr provides for blocking and reporting, further poisoning the datasets used for moderation, and encouraging the idea that using the official tools does nothing to basically ensure the only statistically meaningful data available to Automattic is poisoned, poisoned all the way down, poisoned beyond usability.

Hatespeech and bias needs to be reported for it to be considered statstically significant to act on from a developer point of view. Suicide baiting and spamming any of the official means of communication will get you eliminated as a spammer, even if you’re peppering legitimate criticism within your ventpost about how you hate the new thing. You are playing the TE/RFs game.

#van stuff #the biggest reason we don't have an easily accessible 'report hatespeech' button is a) because people misused the old one #and b) because it's not satistically significant enough to be the first thing people want to report #this is like. COMMON fucking knowledge that moderation on Tumblr is 99% automated and extremely cheesable #and you now who are cheesing it? TRANSPHOBES!!! #Like this is not even a 'the developers won't care' kind of thing #this is a 'THE DEVELOPERS NEED HARD DATA TO JUSTIFY MAKING CHANGES' #if the ARE actively malicious then the data contradicting everything they're saying will FORCE changes #and if they mean what they say when they say they value the site for its vibrant culture #then giving them hard data to share with unconvinced people signing off on them having the budget to change things will ONLY help #the whole 'let's yell at staff every time anything happens' is a shibboleth #You're all being fucking exhausting #I want to quit Tumblr because if the userbase is gonna be like this!!! #If ALL I SEE for DAYS ON END is 'staff this' 'staff that' #that's JUST GIVING ME WORSE ANXIETY ABOUT THIS SITE GOING DOWN #'this change is bad for disabled users' YOUR NEEDLESS CONSTANT HOSTILITY AND PANIC RAISING IS ALSO BAD FOR ME A DISABLED USER #WHY DO I HAVE TO BE THE COLLATERAL DAMAGE??? #'Oh staff could make so much money if they only listened to feedback' you fuckers DON'T LEAVE FEEDBACK THOUGH #you just @ Staff and think that that's statistically meaningful data they can use #Fuck's sake #And that's not counting all the times staff *did* implement changes we wanted for years... AND YOU ALL STILL COMPLAINED #WE MODDED TAG VIEWING IN FOR YEARS AND NOW WHEN IT'S OFFICIAL YOU FUCKERS DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW TO TURN IT OFF #Fucking EXHAUSTING the lot of you

[dreamlogic]

#chronic blogging #current emotion #post-hysto pain has been getting steadily worse over the last month & is now accompanied by near constant nausea #can't even do my PT stretches anymore bc of how bad it hurts #so on monday i finally had a FUCK IT IT'S TANTRUM TIME #and checked myself into urgent care for severe abdominal pains #which finally fucking FINALLY resulted in a referral for a second opinion from a different gyno surgeon #who i hope will finally run the ultrasound & CT scan i've been begging other healthcare providers for for months #THERE IS SOMETHING EXTREMELY WRONG WITH MY BODY AND NOBODY IS LISTENING TO ME AND I'M FED UP WITH PRETENDING #THAT EVERYTHING IS WITHIN NORMAL PARAMETERS AND I JUST NEED TO BE PATIENT FOR HEALING & PRACTICE SELF CARE #watching the urgent care PA's face journey as i explained my symptoms how long i've had them & how apathetic my surgeon's response has been #was so incredibly vindicating & cathartic. she gave me a tactful 'i don't necessarily agree with that assessment......' #told me i have already been doing everything she would've recommended & we're long overdue for a second opinion since it isn't helping #and gave me her blessing to go pitch a fit in the ER if my symptoms get any worse before my appointment with the new surgeon #i'm EXHAUSTED and i'm SCARED and it's ABOUT GODDAMN TIME someone in medicine listened to me & took me seriously #been hovering in the 4-7 range on this chart for a disgusting amount of time. now i'm locked in at 8+ and not backing down

[lorephobic]

Okay but literally like why was Barry doing all his press and promotion if he's just in 3 eps??? There has to be some sort of flash back or whatever of his character no? Why would they waste him like that???? There has to be something else to his character damn it

somebody pointed out that he’s listed for all nine episodes on imdb but that might literally just be false because imdb is not at all an accurate source. yesterday i would have agreed with u completely and would have had so much hope for a flashback but after watching episode three i am scared that uh. the writing is just not that good LOL.

this episode made it so abundantly clear that mota is just another lifeless horrors-of-war bullshit story and will not give us even an ounce of humanity and idk if i’m even willing to give it another chance. i guess i’ll sit on it all week but rn i am feeling extremely hopeless about this show having any form of a redemption arc.

#mota #asks #im like. exhausted after that. #and not at all in a good way skfjfjgjkd #watched the bear season 2 finale right before watching mota #and THAT was an hour of television that exhausted me in an extremely meaningful way #with terrible things happening that had so much impact and rocked me to my fucking core #mota3 on the other hand made me feel absolutely nothing

[passthroughtime]

i hope you don’t mind me not participating in sunday six for so long and not updating my fic... i’m having a bit rough time handling my life irl right now

#meaning i’m having the worst start of the year ever #i’m EXHAUSTED fucking exhausted from my living situation and it doesn’t seem to get better any time soon #naturally i don’t have it in me to write because i don’t have enough time to relax. it’s been three fucking weeks. #i just don’t know even my body gives up from this stress and not like something terrible is happening #it’s extremely upsetting also considering that i love writing and it’s the only activity that makes sense to me #and always has been like that it’s in my core #and i. can’t do it. i can’t. i have no willpower or strength and it’s not writer’s block i’m just SO TIRED ALL THE TIME #therapy and years of medication mean nothing at this fucking point. props to me for not killing myself tho. well done 👍 #sorry for ranting i am so frustrated that i can scream. i have actually. didn’t help. #well ahem i hope you understand 🙏 i feel bad that i’ve promised the chapter a long time ago and NOT TO BE THAT AO3 AUTHOR but #i really wanted to keep my promise. fuck me i guess #putting letters together one word at a time

[corvigae]

if anyone's curious how i'm going, due to a triple punch of insomnia, period, and chronic illness i've been awake for over 28 hours, have been too sick and/or in pain to leave bed since around 1 am, and feel like i'm living a waking nightmare ✌️

#and NONE of the cats are cuddling me which is honestly the biggest insult to injury #i'm feeling less Pain-stricken now - i think my biggest problem is the not sleeping rn #bc my eyes are fucking burning and i'm physically exhausted #and i know from experience that my 27 year old body feels like it's shutting down if i get less than 5 hours of sleep #but the problem is that despite all the Troubles and Exhaustion i'm still mentally Wide Awake #and i ALSO know from experience that just laying there waiting for sleep doesn't Do Anything for me #except actually make any sleep i do manage to get extremely fitful and actually make me feel Worse #personal grumblings #ironically today is SUPPOSED to be my day off work. but i agreed yesterday to come in today to help catch up on things #then i had to go 'actually nvm i'm Actually Fucking Dying rn'

[vermillioncrown]

at the risk of sounding butthurt for talking about not being butthurt: going through quals really prepared me for trawling through fandom meta and research while keeping my zen

#redglyphs #opinionated verm #i have not seen another fandom as salty and divisive as the dc one #all the interesting meta and summaries come with this implicit ''you illiterate idiot'' vibe (exhausting) #or the ''we do what we want and fuck canon'' mindset is taken to the extreme end (simplistic and lacking nuance) #personally the visual style of a lot of western comics grates at me so it's hard to get into #but i do like the wack and fucked up dynamics of canon + trying to imagine a world/chronology around that #i like calibrating what i write around canon -> thus those meta&summary posters are very valuable and interesting to keep up with #i just gotta do 🙈 whenever they start to lambaste ''''fans'''' for not reading the comics/despised fanon reinterpretations of characters #''mmhmm yep. okay okay. i'm stupid. but let's get to why my blorbo is so fucked up bc of [whatever issue/run]'' #like whatever they say they cannot roast me as hard as this one prof from my quals panel did #that prof is basically the successor of the academic lineage that established his discipline #and man utterly destroyed me during the exam #''you have no idea what you're talking about; you didn't even read taylor's hypothesis from 1941'' and i just let my soul evaporate lmao #anyways. i feel like fandom (all fandom and esp ones w sprawling canons) would benefit from two things: #1) willingness to learn (you gotta try to absorb some of the canon to transform it; ''know the rules to break them'') #2) willingness to accept limits (ppl are allowed to pick and choose; ''you gotta tolerate other ppl on the playground'') #and like. fucking chill out. we're all literally writing about some fictional dudes doing fictional things #rarely is a thing you dislike actually harmful rather than just distasteful (to you personally or broadly w/e)

[thegeekyartist]

I haven't napped this much since I was on antidepressants

#im so exhausted #im sad and anxious and my stomach feels like its on fire rn #i got abnormal blood test results on Friday right when all the offices closed #after going to the hospital that morning for OTHER test results that were extremely concerning #(only to find out THOSE results were a mistake) #and ive spent all weekend working myself into a spiral over these fucking results #and i wont even know what they mean until tomorrow at the earliest #and im so tired of getting bloodwork done 😞 ive gone like 3 times in a week and a half #and all of this extea testing isnt even WHY i went to the doctor in the first place!!! #so even after i figure out this shit i STILL have to get a colonoscopy next week 🙃 #i just want to feel better 😞