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commander-krios · 10 months

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For a ship you haven't written about in a while: 12. "you are all i can think about."

How about some Revanderous, yes??? It's nearly 2k of fluff, painful memories, and love. Enjoy!

Read on AO3

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The ship was quiet.

With the majority of the crew scattered across the galaxy now that the war was over, nothing but a hollow silence echoed around them. Bastila, Carth, Jolee, Juhani… all going back to their selfless work as the saviors of the Republic, much to Jolee’s grumbling about not being a Jedi any longer. He wasn’t the only person that came out of this war no longer a Jedi though Yuehai figured she hadn’t been a Jedi during the war either.

She hadn’t been one for a long time now.

Mission and Zaalbar had stayed aboard for a time, but eventually even they moved on. Taris was gone, but Griff was still alive and Mission was determined to knock some sense into her brother. Maybe Zaalbar would help it stick this time. If it didn’t, at least the twi’lek girl had someone to keep an eye on her. She was nearing adulthood during a tumultuous time for the galaxy and Yuehai had grown fond of the tiny twi’lek. She didn’t want any harm to come to either of them.

In the end, the only ones to stay behind were Yuehai’s droids… and Canderous.

Turning on her side, she opened her eyes enough to observe him in sleep like she did many nights when she herself couldn’t find peace. He was strong, proud, rough: a leader among a broken clan that survived despite the destruction on Malachor V. “The Mandalorians endured”, he’d told her, that fire in his gaze turning his silver irises to molten metal. “We always will.”

Canderous had taken his new mantle with the same serious dedication she’d come to expect from him. He’d already united some of the scattered clans and there was talk of more joining them on Dxun.

But it was her fault that they needed to in the first place.

“Go to sleep, Revan.” Canderous rumbled, fingers carding through her hair absently, eyes still closed. The glow from the emergency lighting betrayed the small upturn of his scarred lips. “I can feel your stare.”

Yuehai smiled as well, brushing a hand over his chest before it settled against his stomach. His skin was hot beneath her touch, burning her fingertips as she toyed with wiry hair over sunburned skin. “I’ve had enough sleep.”

Opening an eye to meet her gaze, his disbelief was clear. “It’s unnatural to survive on so little sleep.”

“I’ve survived this long without it.” She countered, lips brushing a particularly nasty scar on his chest. “Besides, I didn’t hear you complaining earlier.”

His only response was a grunt that never failed to pull a smile out of her, even when she felt doubt. It settled the uneasy tightness of her chest ever so briefly.

“You’re having the dreams again.”

It wasn’t a question because he didn’t have to ask. He already knew by the dark circles under her eyes, her restlessness, her desire to hide the truth from him even when he understood. Canderous never asked for more than she was willing to give. Sometimes, she wondered if he would accept it when the inevitable happened and she had to leave his side.

It was a thought she didn’t want to know the answer to.

Canderous pressed a light kiss against her hair, pulling her close against him and all anxious thoughts immediately vanished, his strength grounding her, the reality of their life together a spark of hope in the darkness. “You’re quiet. What are you thinking about?”

Yuehai didn’t like burdening him with her troubles, not when he had so many of his own. “Would you accept it if I said “you”?”

Another grunt. Typical Mandalorian.

“Fine.” She relented, resuming her perusal of his body. It helped her focus her thoughts, touch the easiest way for her to communicate her feelings without having to speak them aloud. But there were some things she couldn’t avoid. “It’s about Dxun.”

“What about it?” Canderous shifted, wide awake as he focused his attention on her. He was seriously considering her, thoughtful in his regard. “If you regret handing Mandalore’s mask over-”

“It’s not that.” Yuehai assured him, keeping her gaze focused on her hand as she splayed it across his stomach. Her skin was pale compared to his. The days he worked under the Onderonian sun had left him sunburned in the evening but by morning, his tan was slightly darker than the day before. She’d never been more attracted to him.

“You don’t have an obligation to be here. If that’s what’s bothering you.”

She beat down her flash of anger at the insinuation. However she felt about the Mandalorians, or her role in what happened to them, she would never regret the choices she’d made. It led her here, to this man, to this moment, to this life. And the fact that he would never tie her down, even when he loved her, made her respect him all the more. The consideration of leaving him alone to battle this new war cut her to her very soul.

Or whatever was left of it.

“I want to be here.” Yuehai shifted herself to a sitting position beside him, her legs tucked underneath her body. Her eyes glanced around the ship where they’d been staying for the last few months on Dxun while Canderous worked hard on building something to be proud of. The jungles of the moon were unforgiving and the only reprieve they got was when they shut the Ebon Hawk to the humidity and lay in the cool interior. “The rest of your clan doesn’t.”

Canderous grunted, sitting up against the wall behind their bunk, resting his head against folded arms. He appeared at ease, but his words broke the spell immediately. “I don’t karking care what they want. Without you, this wouldn’t be possible.”

“Without me?” Yuehai let out a bark of a laugh, flinching at the deranged sound. “I’m the reason they have to rebuild in the first place.”

“If it wasn’t you, it would’ve been Malak. Or that friend of yours. The Exile.”

“Wren.”

“The reality is that no matter who led the army, in the end, someone would’ve destroyed us. Or we would’ve destroyed the Jedi and the Republic and you’d be dead somewhere, rotting flesh and dusty bones.”

The thought was sobering to say the least.

“But we didn’t win and you aren’t dead. None of that matters now, does it? What’s done is done and no guilt or regret is going to change the past. The Mandalorians don’t want your pity.” He brushed some hair away from her face, tucking it behind her ear. The intimate gesture helped take the sting out of his words. “If anyone has a problem with you, they’ll answer to Mandalore’s challenge.” His hand wrapped around hers, pulling her closer so that she could rest against him once more. “You are more important than any di’kut that thinks he knows anything about honor or clan.”

She pressed her hand against his chest, meeting his gaze with a fierce determination she hadn’t felt all night. “These are your people. Your home. They matter, Canderous, even if you don’t think they deserve it.”

He sighed, his free hand cupping her chin in a strong grip. He ran a thumb over her lips briefly, eyes dipping to watch the movement. “You’re important to me, more than you know. If you need a place to set new roots down, you have one on Dxun. The rest of them be damned.”

“Canderous-”

“You told me you lost everything that meant something to you, a long time ago. The Jedi are gone. So is Taris and Dantooine. The Ebon Hawk makes for a lousy life.” His hand dropped to his lap, but his eyes blazed in the dimness. “You’ll always be welcome here.”

“In your bed?” She asked, afraid to ask the other half of that question. Yuehai didn’t want to spend a life in his bed without the rest of him. It meant little to her if his heart wasn’t in it.

“If that’s what you want.”

He spoke nothing else, waiting for her to process the implications of everything he was offering. Because if she stayed on Dxun, it would speak volumes to not only him about the depth of her feelings for him, but to the rest of the Mandalorians as well.

“What if it’s not?”

A flash of pain in his eyes, but he hid it well. “Then that’s your decision.”

She watched him in the stillness, scars covering his body, many going deeper than skin, scarring him from the inside out. There were nights when she wasn’t the only one with haunting nightmares. But he hid it better. Canderous Ordo was not a sentimental man, never had been, but Yuehai suspected this went beyond that.

“What are you asking of me, Canderous?”

Instead of answering the question, Canderous brushed his lips against her forehead, his mouth hot against her skin. “Do you remember Malachor? How fiercely the Mandalorians fought your Jedi? I thought we would win everything that day. Victory was all but certain.” His face contorted in pain, reliving the awfulness of that day no doubt. “You surprised me, even then. How brutal you were in your tactics. Victory at any cost.”

She hissed out a breath, hating how, even years later, she still balked at the violence she was capable of.

“I don’t bring up the memories to hurt you. It would’ve been an honor to die at Revan’s hands. To fight the warrior who was single handedly the downfall of my people. To lie at her feet, her blade coated in my blood, my last moments filled with the haunting spectre of destruction that Revan was. It would’ve been a good death.”

Silence descended between them, thick with painful memories. Yuehai shifted, uncomfortable in her skin, feeling an itch that she’d never be rid of. The guilt weighed heavier than ever, pressing against her until she couldn’t breath, her lungs aching for oxygen. She closed her eyes tightly, wishing to rid her mind of the haunting images that played there whether she slept or not, the destruction and death she wrought on the Mandalorians, on the Republic.

“But I…” He paused to clear his throat, the words difficult to get out even now as they lay together in their bed, the blankets wrapped around their legs and their bodies curled against each other. His grip tightened only slightly and it was enough to settle her turbulent mind. “I prefer this.”

Tucking her face into the crook of his neck, she breathed in his scent, pungent cigarra smoke and spicy tiingilar and all of the things that were him. Her lips met his skin and she lingered briefly, enjoying the strength of his embrace as he held her, the purr of contentment that left his throat as she pressed a kiss against his collarbone, tracing white scars that she still didn’t know the stories to.

Maybe one day she’d ask.

Maybe one day he’d tell her.

“During the war, you were all I thought about and I didn’t even know your face. The very thought of you was terrifying, exhilarating, tempting… Having you here, knowing who you are, who you were, it hasn’t changed anything. I still think you’re the most terrifyingly beautiful woman in the galaxy.”

A breathless laugh escaped her. “And you said you weren’t a romantic.”

He snorted this time, a step up from a grunt at least. “You’re also infuriating, smug, selfish-”

Yuehai pressed a finger to his lips, cutting off his words before they got any more creative. He raised his eyebrows at her boldness. “If you’re asking me to build a home here with you, the answer is yes, Canderous.”

“Ni kar’tayli gar darasuum, riduur.” Canderous whispered, pressing a kiss to her lips, hands roaming over her hair, her back only to grip her hips in a bruising grip.

“Ni kar'tayli gar darasuum, Mand’alor.”

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