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leah-lover · 2 months

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Reward. Mary earps x reader.

Smut 18+

Mary being an ass girl.

After training your day was very chill. You would usually divide the house shutters between you and those girlfriend Mary in order to get them done quicker.

This day though has been even more quiet than usual. You finished your pigeon of the work way before Mary did, so you decided to lay on the couch and wait for Mary tho be done. Little food you know that that decision will change your entire day.

Mary was upstairs doing laundry, when her phone beeped and the lock screen opened. You usually don't pay attention to Mary's phone believing that in a relationship people deserve privacy.However, what you saw shocked you.

You knew that the goalkeeper had a thing for your ass. She would touch, slap, tease, and squeeze it whenever she could. She didn't mind that you were in public or with your friends and family. Putting her hands on your ass felt like an impulse she couldn't control. You often used this weakness over hers to your advantage. You would coarse her to change her mind or do something that you wanted just by offering her full control of your ass. In sex she lived fucking you from behind offer just ticking your ass whenever you wanted to be closer to her and when you make her nad she punishes you by spawning you until your ass was red.

So your girlfriend's lock screen wasn't as much of a shock than a surprise that caught you off guard. Mary had put a picture she took off your backside on the beach when you were on vacation in her lock screen. Your ass was zoomed in and out took the entire screen.

This gesture surprisingly made you happy so you decided to reward your girlfriend for it.

So you left the couch and went straight to the bedroom closet. You put on a pair of sexy red lingerie, just like your girlfriend liked. These lingerie were a bit special because your ass was completely bare. You then did your hair and makeup pretty quickly and situated yourself on the bed.

It didn't take long after you finished for Mary to be done too. She expected you to be on the couch as usual and when she didn't find you she started talking for you.

“Baby where are you?”she asked

“Upstairs in the bedroom, love .”you responded.

Upon getting in the room her jaw was on the floor.

“What did I do to deserve this?.”she asked.

“Well baby I was your lock screen and I thought I would reward you for it. Tonight you can do whatever you want with me.” you said seductively.

Mary didn't waste any time. She quickly took off her shirt and got on top of you. She kissed you roughly, like your lips were gonna disappear.

“ You are so fucking beautiful.” She whispers in between kisses. She then moved on to your neck marking it so that everyone knew it was hers. She sucked your purse point harshly while moaning your name. You were already crazy for this girl but her actions make you go crazier. After she was done with your neck leaving enough bruises on it she took your bra off.

“You are so fucking sexy baby “she whispers again her voice full of lust.

“fuck Mary.”you moan as soon as she had your nipples in between her teeth. She gave each breast a large amount of bruising which only resolved in you being a moaning mess and the juices between your legs to drip down to the sheets.

“Baby please, I need to feel you inside me.” You moan out loud.

“ I want to you too come while I am fucking your beautiful juicy ass.”she ordered.

She then got up and went to your toy drawer and picked out the biggest strap you had. You only took that strap once and you remembered it being a rough challenge.

“Mary, I don't think I can take this.” You say hesitantly

“ Of course you can, baby.” she doubled down, fixing the strap to her core.

She then flipped you s on that your ass was in the air. She then situated herself behind you and slid the tip in. You whined and squirmed at the size of it but mary didn't flinch. She slowly pushed the whole strap in.

“That my good girl who takes what I give her “she praised you. She quickly loosened you up, thrusting faster and stronger.

“ I don't think I can take it “ you moan.

“yes you can baby you can take it “she cooed her hand on your back soothing you.

You knew Mary had pace but today she reconfirmed it to you. She thrusted harder and stronger in you by the second. She would occasionally squeeze your ass giving it a few slaps.

“I want you to touch yourself slowly “she ordered. You obliged to the order and you started touching your puffy needy clit while moaning Mary's name.

“ Move faster baby I am gonna come and I want us to do it together “ she said.

It only took a few minutes before you both came at the same time.

“ do you want me come in your ass baby “ she said a few moment before her release.

“ Yes baby, please come in my ass please.” You pleaded before yours.

After you both came down she gave you as a few kisses before she asked

“Who does this ass belong to ?”

“To you. my ass belongs to you “ you confirm while panting from your orgasm.

#mary earps x reader #mary earps imagine #mary earps #mary earps smut #woso #woso fanfics #woso imagine #woso community #woso x reader #woso request #woso smut

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blackroseguzzi · 1 year

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Woosah Baby

Warren Lipka x Reader

My first evan character fanfic and I wrote it in 45 minutes tonight while watching American Animals (for the 15th time)

Anyone else love when Warren whisper screams “you hit one!?! YOU HIT ONE?”

Enjoy! Let me know if you guys would like a part 2!

You sat inside the waiting room, hands securely in your lap as your right leg jutted up and down off the white tile floor in anticipation.

He was supposed to be here.

Your eyes shifted to the clock on the white wall, the obnoxiously clicking could be heard over the faint Abba music playing in the office all around you. You told him to be here at 12:15 for your 12:30 appointment, and it was 12:31. You placed a sweaty hand in bag and pulled out your cell phone, the screen cracked from last weekends party when you and your friends were smoking on the roof, your phone blasting music until it had slipped out of your pocket 50 feet onto the ground. You were surprised it still was in working condition, but you had to wait until your next paycheck from the supermarket to get a new one. No new messages.

You composed another message to him, this one a bit more angsty than the last.

“What the fuck Warren. You knew how important it was to make it today, and you’re so freaking late!”

“Y/N, Y/L/N,” Your head shot up from your phone at the petite blonde woman holding a clipboard in her hands. She was searching for you in the room, looking between a few established looking women that were also waiting for their appointments.

You let out a shaky breath and stood, shoving your phone back in your bag and placing it on your shoulder you walked over to the blonde nurse. You were so nervous you could feel your palms sweating as you clutched the strap of your bag.

The nurse brought you into a small room, and told you to sit down. She went over a few generic questions and then told you the doctor would be back with the results of your urine test you had already taken as soon as you had checked into your appointment. She quietly slipped out of the room and your heart pounded. You already knew that you needed to face reality, but you also knew you didn’t want to. You had taken a Xanax three weeks ago before a party, you had two beers last week after you bombed one of your liberal arts quizzes, and you had smoked a lot of week in the last two weeks - especially after that fight with Warren when you had found out he spent the $175 dollars you hid in your underwear drawer to buy a keg for a house party… It wasn’t even good beer. Who fucking drinks Milwaukee's Best?

You closed your eyes tight, almost as if you were hoping once they opened you would wake up from this bad dream.

You heard your Text tone go off and you quickly grabbed your phone in your bag. It was Warren, that fucker.

“Alarm didn’t go off…….. I’m parked outside. I’m sooorry!”

You rolled your eyes and decided he could sweat for a bit. He always overslept for everything- including his two morning classes. You knew he was messing up his scholarship. You wish he would try harder, but you knew his passions were not about soccer, or about the regimes of life that college set up for you. He was your first love, your high school sweetheart if you will. He sold you your first big fat blunt your Sophomore year of high school and his greasy curls and sexy dimpled smile called to you. He was your comfort. You struggled with the mundane of everyday life together for over 5 years. You loved watching him play soccer- he was one of the greatest goalkeepers your high school had ever seen. You just knew he felt like a puppet, playing all the right moves for his fathers approval.

Your mind was jolted back to reality when you heard a quick knock at the door, it creaked open and a friendly looking brunette doctor walks over. She was heavy set, with a beautiful set of pearly white teeth she showed off brightly as she smiled and told you her name which you immediately forgot in your panicked state. She was suddenly asking you how you were feeling.

“I’m..I’m fine. Thanks.” You wanted to cut to the chase, no bullshitting.

“Well, what brings you here? Let’s go over everything,” She grasps at her scrub shirt pocket and pulls out a pair of bright purple reading glasses. She snakes them onto her face and looks down at the clipboard the blonde nurse had left on the counter. She sucks in a polite breath and looks at you for answers.

“I took two tests, one was inconclusive and one was positive,” You answered her question quickly and then swallowed the little bit of bile that crept in your throat. God you were so sweaty. You really wished you hadn’t just thrown on the hoodie this morning with nothing underneath but a sports bra.

“Well, It looks like the test today was Positive and your HCG levels at 750. When was your last cycle?” The Brunette Doctor looked you dead in the eye. She was sitting there like she didn’t just twist your whole life upside down. Like her words didn’t just destroy you. You stared at her, unable to speak.

“Y/N?” Her too- chipper voice cut through your haze and you snapped back to reality.

“I think It was October 3rd ish?” Saying out loud made you realize just how long it had been since you were on your period. Fuck. God fucking damnit. You couldn’t even afford a new phone, how the fuck were you and Warren going to support a god damn baby? A living, breathing, food needing tiny codependent baby.

Shit. Balls. Fucking fuck. You were not mature enough for a child.

You really needed a smoke.

You pushed your long hair behind your ear and shook your head at the doctor. “No way I can’t be pregnant, I always use a condom.. I mean.. my boyfriend always uses one. I.. Wow, I’m sorry I’m just in a little bit of shock.” You heard your phone text tone go off again and you ignored it.

“Condoms are not 100% effective,” Doctor know it all responded in a sing song tone. No shit, the box said 97% effective. You just didn’t think you would be the 3% that gets knocked up.

“Well there are options, and we can talk them all over if you’d like once you sit on this information and share this news with your partner. We can go ahead and schedule your first ultrasound at the front desk!” She took off her annoying purple glasses and shoved them back into her breast pocket. Her lips curled into a sympathetic smile and you wanted to shove your thumbs in her eyeballs. Maybe it was the hormones that had made you so angry at her for being the one to break this news to you. You wish this anger was directed towards the person who had gotten you into this mess, but he was too busy sleeping until well after noon, and probably hot boxing in the parking lot.

You smiled politely and got up front your seat, thanking the doctor before she opened the door for you. You moved fast through the hallway. You completely skipped the receptionist desk - you didn’t want to make the appointment for an ultrasound right now, especially when you were on the verge of a mental crisis. You grabbed out your phone to read the text Warren had sent you earlier.

“You’re probably worried over nothing. Woosah baby,” He sent the stupid little emoji that had the sunglasses on.

He was great at calming your nerves most of the time. He loved to live day by day, trying not to worry about putting one foot in front of the other. You spotted his car at the far end of the parking lot. You took in a breath before inhaling largely and holding it in. You didn’t want to cry before you got into the car with him. At least you were glad he was here to pick you up so you didn’t have to scream cry on the bus back to the campus apartments.

Some Drake songs were playing loudly through the speakers when you approached Warren’s beat up Volvo. You grabbed at the door- Locked. You knocked on the glass annoyed that he was so zoned out on his phone to know you were right there, urging him to let you in the car.

He jumped at the sound of your knuckles against glass and as soon as he saw you there he leaned over and unlocked the passenger door, shoving his phone in the cup holder of the vehicle his attention was solely on you. You nearly jumped into the car and let out your breath you realized you were still holding in. You could feel Warren’s stare, waiting for you to talk to him. You didn’t want to look at him, you just leaned forward and shut off the music.

“You know, I really was hoping that you would have at least showed up today. For me.” You spoke softly, as through talking to a child. Maybe you were practicing your patience, or maybe you suddenly realized Warren’s behavior was sometimes pretty damn childish.

“I’m sorry, I am. I think my phone is broken or something the alarm NEVER went off.” Warren talked fast and he really did sound apologetic, but you knew that he was lying. He was notoriously known for snoozing his alarm 40 times before waking up, or worse- not even setting one to begin with.

“Grow up, Warren!” You shouted. Your face turned to his, and tears brimmed your eyes. You were so upset about all the events of today. You were scared over everything else. You had just had your 20th birthday two months ago. You were too young to have a kid. You had plans, so many grand plans for your life and you were worried how this would effect these grand plans. You were planning on graduating with a fine arts degree. You wanted to move to somewhere busy like Boston or LA and take your photography and your art to bigger and better places. Not small town shit like you were in now. You can’t take a baby to photoshoots. You can’t give birth during finals. You can’t have a baby with $74 dollars in your bank account.

“Woah, relax Y/N,” Warren reached over and touched your shoulder and rubbed his thumb gently on your collar bone. He watched as a single tear rolled down your cheek and left a wet drop on your light gray sweatshirt.

“I can’t just relax, I can’t do this alone and I’m scared you won’t grow up and I’ll have to do every hard thing myself just like I did today.” You spat back at him. You knew he was trying to be helpful and by the look of it he was genuinely concerned with your outburst of emotions.

He wasn’t used to this, you were usually so calm and emotionally collected. It’s part of why he loved you so much- you were his compass. Your cute side smile could melt him into a puddle and turn him into your slave. He would do just about anything for that smile.

You understood him and his zest for life. So hee was taken aback when you were suddenly screaming at him in the parking lot of the doctors office. He knew as soon as you had told him you wanted to go to the Doctors to see if you might be pregnant that you more than likely were. He had a gut feeling, and he held in his fear until he knew 1000% even though he was 999% sure he was going to father a child. He should have been there for her today since he knew that the news would break her apart, GOD he knew that. Instead he was a lazy fuck and snoozed the alarm around 13 times before waking up to Y/N’s texts. She was better than him at everything - including being where she needed to be on time.

“You don’t have to do anything alone. I know I’m a fucking idiot, and I’m sorry,” Warren let go of your shoulder and slumped back in his seat, running his hands down his face he signed heavily. “Lay it on me, what did they say?” He stared at clouds in front of him, one of the clouds looked like it was frowning.

“I’m fucking pregnant.” Tears flooded your eyes and you bent over and cradled your head in your lap. Warren bit his lip, almost too hard, as if to feel another kind of pain then the one that was currently brewing in his chest.

After a few minutes of listening to Y/N quietly sob In the seat next to him he spoke softly.

“Everything is going to be okay, I promise.” He didn't know how or what he was going to do to make that promise happen but he would do anything to make sure he didn't break it.

#warren lipka x reader #warren lipka #America animals fan fiction #evan peters x y/n #evan peters fanfic #evan peters x reader #Evan peters #Warren lipka x y/n #evan peters imagine #warren lipka imagine

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justisco · 2 months

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girly you really cooked with that hotties of atletico post 🤭🔥we may need a part 2 or perhaps you should do more of that with all your rivals 👀😂really enjoyed the commentary i love having fun and sinning

why thank youuu!! i’m gonna see what i can come up with, now it’s quite difficult as a lot of the atletico ‘hotties’ have left and mario hermoso has been left to hold it down all alone. and then there’s barca who can only offer a squad with an average age of 17 so let me see what i can do…

now my love for a rival goes back to where it all began when 9 year old me saw this face for the first time, little did i know where i would end up, god bless you and your face fernando torres.

we then flash forward to around 2014/2015 when i really started to get into football and began supporting real madrid and soon discovered this man was going to be a problem, if you don’t know get to know rafinha alcantara. this man had early footyblr in a chokehold, unfortunately after several loan spell flops around europe he packed his suitcase and made his way to qatar in 2022 💔

now at current time the best that barcelona can offer if you’re over the age of let’s say 20 is ronald araujo and inigo martinez and you know things are down bad when you’ve got to settle for a man named ronald in 2024. if you’re a bit younger then you may be captivated by one of the many twinks their ever praised academy produces.

and hell if we’re talking rivals then i suppose we should branch out to the rest of la liga then? let’s head to san sebastian, home of real sociedad and footballs biggest team hopper andre silva. fine as fuck and can’t keep a team to save his life, every time i see him, he plays for a new team. i would also like to shine some light on their goalkeeper alex remiro who i would not kick out of bed and always find a pleasure to look at when we play them.

and at the end of the day whether we like it or not real betis are also rivals of mine, francisco roman alarcon suarez aka isco you will also be number one in my heart even if we now have our loyalties in separate places. we also always have plenty of time for feminist legend hector bellerin and the man who makes being constantly injured sexy nabil fekhir.

there’s probably plenty more mentions, outside of la liga the entire italian national team becomes my forbidden love once we hit international competition. obvs ruben dias but i talk about him enough and city aren’t madrids direct rivals. there’s a few sevilla ones i could give probably. oh and some bayern players too.

#that’s all we have time for today #tune in next week for more rival cock with me justisco

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orbitalpirate · 6 months

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For the word wip: hair, soon, car.

This is great because apparently I write the word hair a lot

From my 5 + 1 wip

He was wearing a suit jacket over a low-cut shirt that showed his collar bones, compromise. His hair was styled in something other than a headband, and he looked hot. Sexy.

Also from my 5 + 1

Colin was so gorgeous to him. His green eyes and soft features, his hair that looked so pristine short and so soft long.

From my TomxPaul getting together fic

So when a year into his time at Richmond, a fancy, pretty boy starting goalkeeper showed up with coiffed hair and designer clothes, Paul wanted to hate him.

The word hair appears 28 times in my haircut fic so you get one

"What? No," Isaac replied actually shocked that Moe wanted a hair cut at all after the barber who shall not be named left him with a bald patch that required twenty four hour man bun usage three years ago.

The first description of Jan's father in my meet the parents wip

So when they stepped off the train platform and saw a man with grey hair and strong features sitting in a wheelchair holding a sign that said "Richmond #13 and co." Richard couldn't help but feel scared.

From my Colin Richard situationship wip

Pale hands with short nails extended from leather long sleeves pulling desperately, like if the shorter man didn't get a fistful of hair, he wouldn't be satisfied. From Colin's angle, he could just see the tall man's hands grabbing the neck of the little twink, and- Colin knew that twink.

Okay now for soon lol

From the 5+1 wip again

Roy rolled his eyes, "Where the hell is the waiter? If I don't get a drink soon, I'm gonna be a right prick."

From my soulmate wip

Jan sent a distinctive stare at Moe, in frustration, if those two didn't figure out that they're eachothers soulmates soon, the team might have to kill them.

Okay here's car lol

From the 5+1 wip again

"You can't just ask that, stupid," Richard elbowed Jan again. "We were speculating on the car ride here, but I did not expect Jan to just ask like that. My apologies."

From my meet the parents wip

When the two men finished changing and headed to the car park, Jan looked happy. He seemed lighter than air until it was just the two of them in the car. When he sighed and looked out the window.

Also from my meet the parents wip

He woke up, they transferred lines, they found seats in an almost empty car, and he fell back asleep, barely speaking a word to Jan. He was too warn out emotionally. He'd act normal in Groningen, but now he needed to rest.

And finally from the Richard Colin situationship wip

Richard insisted on driving them to Colin's house. He had only had one drink earlier in the night and did not want to experience Colin's driving. They talked about the match in the car, saving the hard moments for a time when Richard could be more comfortable than driving his black sports car.

Thank you so much for reading and if you got this far I love you (lmk what you think of the wips lol)

#asks #ty for the ask <3

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jessread-s · 10 months

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Thanks to @atriabooks-blog and Elena Armas for providing me with an ARC in exchange for an honest review.

✩⚽️🐐Review:

Armas’ slowest burning romance novel yet has the biggest pay off!

“The Long Game” follows disgraced soccer exec Adalyn Reyes and retired goalkeeper Cameron Caldani as they begrudgingly work together to lead a small town children’s team to victory.

Adalyn faces many hardships as a woman working in a very male-dominated sports industry. Her talents are often taken advantage of and not fully appreciated. As a result, the novel centers around female rage and mental health — specifically anxiety and panic attacks. I really appreciate seeing this kind of representation because shame is often attributed to both feminine rage and anxiety when it should not. It is empowering and validating to see a character like Adalyn embrace her anger and seek out help when she needs it.

In my opinion, Cameron Caldani is Armas’ best male lead thus far. Aside from his rugged good looks, mouthwatering thigh tattoo, sexy British accent, affinity for yoga in skintight, long sleeve thermals, and his mother hen-like tendencies, Cameron is a complex character with his own inner struggles that he tries to conceal by putting up a grumpy front. The chapters written from his point-of-view are my favorite because I loved watching him go from wanting nothing to do with Adalyn to worshipping her. Despite his initial reservations, Cameron becomes Adalyn’s support system when she needs one the most and loves her exactly for who she is. In turn, Adalyn gives Cameron the space he needs to heal and becomes someone he can confide in.

Another reason why I love this book so much is because of the atmosphere Armas creates. She paints a beautiful picture of her fictional town of Green Oak, North Carolina through the seasonal activities Cameron and Adalyn attend, the compelling side characters that make up the town’s close knit community, and sensory imagery capturing the environment.

I cannot wait for everyone to get their hands on this book in September!

Cross-posted to: Instagram | Amazon | Goodreads | StoryGraph

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cryingforcrocodiles · 1 year

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geeeen hi gen. first of all love and appreciate u.

i've been seeing on twt lately that many united fans want to replace de gea but the name everyone is talking abt to replace him is MAGIC MIKE. ☹️ and imo he needs to stay at milan or else (biased). but anyway what's ur opinion on all this/who would u take as gk!!

THÉOOOO IN INBOX!!! I REPEAT, THERE IS A THEO IN INBOX. bro. i was just teeheeing about you. you know the qatar stickerbook ting? pfffft i just pulled theo TWO TIMES. DOSSS. no offense to theo h but brother i only need one of you jfc. it made think of u. name connection n all that stuff ☠️☠️🩵🙏🏿

anyways hi :) love and appreciate you right back.

christ. goalkeeper discussion... shivers. i'd love mike in united... but hell no is he leaving ac milan ☠️☠️☠️ nopenopenope my man stays in italy n thrives. prem will kill him. but of he ever wants to come at like. age 34, old n done with life he can def get signed for a year ☠️ yk? just for fun? just for me?? 😭😭🙏🏿 ... please?

i'd love mendy actually. he's on chelsea's bench wasting and i love him, fellow african. ofc would take raya but he has repeatedly denied us so. ☠️ (repeatedly is crazy) unai simon is a shout that no one else but me seems to be saying. also bono is being said.... absolutely not. not bc i hate him but him in the prem ... christ all mighty. racial abuse incoming and i'd wanna protect his peace. I'D TAKE HIM IF HE WANTS TO COME THOUGH!!! IF HE SAYS YES IM SAYING YES??? y-en package deal???

but yes. those are my top 4. also onana. steal that bitch right from inter yessir. his clean sheets are soooo sexy! pssppspsps come to manchester pspsspspsps

tysm for asking <333

#went over the topics of keepers loadssss . never wont enjoy em #tysm theo for sending one in again always love interacting with u n seeing u #also new pfp n new layout? so beautiful #asks #friends #theo ⚡️#ranted... didnt evne mean to mb 😭😭

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holdmyhopeinyourhands · 2 years

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The saudi goalkeeper is so freaking sexy. Like my man got mad skills. Also his sheer presence is putting confidence in his defenders and the fact that he trust them enough to leave the dangerous clearence to them is insanely hot.

#argentina vs saudi arabia #world cup 2022 #wc 22 #football

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goretzkastits · 2 years

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That sexy move was exactly why mats says manu is still underrated as a goalkeeper. He saves shots before they officially become a goal chance so statistics don't even pick up on it

This!!!! Literally name ONE goalkeeper who pulls moves like this. Unparalleled

#asks #manu #matsi

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masonreds · 18 days

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I need United to win the fa cup, seriously I need a prime licha and varane defensive masterclass like last season, they are the reason de gea won the golden glove, i need onana from the champions league final last year, probably one of the best goalkeeping displays I’ve seen, I need dalot and wan bissaka to literally not give the wingers any space, stick to them like glue, I need champions league Casemiro to show up, I need World Cup amrabat when he tackled mbappe to turn up, I need champions league mason to turn up, another trophy against city would be so sexy of you mason. Bruno you just be you, my creative genius. Rashford, I’ll forgive you for this horrible season if you just score a goal for me in the final and actually run. Rasmus, amad, mainoo and Garnacho you 4 are my star boys, just go out there and do me proud like you have all season. And lastly Martial, I don’t even know if he’ll play, but give me one more goal before you leave and I won’t call you a flop ever again

I should give the half time team talk during the final after that 😂😂

CAN WE MANIFEST THIS!!!!! We’ve got a week we can do this!!

Honestly just take ETH’s job 😂🫶🏼

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grimsneverendingfuneral · 4 months

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I do I do! Oh my God I love “British football” so much, I’m using that from now on. I play soccer, but we call it football here! I’m a goalkeep, which is shocking because I’m so short lol. And, I mean, not to brag but I think I’m pretty good for someone my height 😌

Yeah, it was so stupid. Not that I’ve learned my lesson because I’m most definitely going to keep climbing like a little squirrel hunting for acorns, but I’ll just be a liiiiiitle more careful. Ooh, yeah, you definitely gotta be more careful when living alone. Hopefully you’ve been safe and alright til now.

Omg thank you! You’ve reminded me that I need to finish the new Rick and Morty season. I’ve only watched the first two episodes hehe. I haven’t heard of most of these, but I’ll definitely give em a try! Agh, I’ve been meaning to watch Bojack Horseman since the third season came out. Is it really as good as people say it is? Like, is it worth watching all six seasons?

Aw, Grim! That’s so cute! You must have such a wonderful and creative imagination. Wow. I feel you with the nail polish 100%, I love bright and fun colours, all the glitters and metallics, like… If it’s shiny or bright, it is going on my nails.

I’m so happy you had a good time with your friends and that you wrote two chapters!! I cant wait to read it!!

:0 what a plot twist Grim!! I didn’t expect being asked a question in return aaah! I have to think about that… Oh, jeez okay, I had this dream back in high school, but I still remember it so clearly haha. In grade 12 we had this huge project we needed to do for our music final, and I was putting in so many hours towards it that I dreamt about it! I dreamt that all of Guns and Roses and Queen (don’t ask, long story) came to record vocals and guitar for my project and they kept getting it wrong so the girl who was working on the project with me kicked them out and I was like “omg you can’t just do that that’s queen and gnr omg…” lol. So I went and apologised to them and we had tea together. It still haunts me HAHAHA

And now time for your questions! *rubbing hands together evily* Which season is your favourite? Do you have a specific scent you love? Vinyls or CDs? What was your least favourite subject in school and why? 🎤

MIC ANOOOOOONNNNN wazzzaaapppp. GLAD to talk to you!!

yeah you just keep on climbing. youve gotta keep going no matter what. just keep being yourself and active and the best goalkeep your team has ever experienced.

lmfaoooo yes nothings changed. i still daydream just as much as i used to as a kid and its wonderful. i wouldnt wanna be any other way. so glad we share the love for glitter nail polish!!! im actually about to paint them right now. im thinking this iridescent kinda translucent blues gonna look sexy

i haven't watched the new season of Rick And Morty either cause then it'll be finished and im fr a fiend. im in love with Rick its disgusting really. classic daddy issues.

anywayssss about Bojack, honestly its very much worth it, in my humble opinion, but the third and fourth season are kind of the seasons you have to get through to get to the flipside of the show, which starts to get REAL as fuck during seasons five and six. then when its done youre just kinda sitting there like damn...........

GNR AND QUEEN are literally two of my favourite bands of all time. i mean, i have A LOT of favourite bands but i had a severe fixation on GNR in highschool to the point where like i know the band member's grandmothers names and shit. i asked this question because its a question i like to ask people to break the ice in conversations. i was also curious about yours!! EVERYONE has a dream that they remember, for some reason, one that just stuck. and its always from early childhood too.

ok questions time......heeeehehohhoooohhooo.......my favourite season is spring. it used to be autumn but the last two autumns ive been sort of too stressed about the pending doom of winter and halloween has kind of sucked too (even if halloween is every day of the year for me) so i have officially decided that spring is my favourite season. its fall but flipped. love the wetness and the flowers blooming. the smells. the anticipation for the summer. the way the ice melts. its sensual.

a scent i love GOD. my favourite scent of all time is clean laundry. if i go to hug you and you smell like fabric softener i will be so bricked up itll be awkward for the both of us. i sometime seek it out in those cotton scented candles and shit. although i love it so much, i never seem to smell it on myself, even if i rub bounce sheets on my fuckin sweaters. guess its kind of like when you go to someones house. you smell their smell but then you come home and you cant smell your smell.

i have a special place in my heart for CDs cause i grew up with those but i have a lot of vinyls and no CDs cause storing CDs is more annoying than storing vinyls to me...... i know its weird cause vinyls are bigger but the texture of them is better.

aaaanddd my least favourite subject in school was math. no surprises there. not even cause i was bad at it, i was pretty good, when i wanted to be. but i went to an arts school so the teachers in math were always so pissed off lol. no one gave a shit about math class to the point where the teachers would just give up and sit at their desks to do their own thang while we just fucked around

ok question for you...... whats something kind youve done for someone recently?

#mic anon #KISSES KISSES KISSES YOUUUUU

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skzhocomments · 8 months

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I can read your smile - Choi Minho SHINee Fanfic - Chapter 17- Birthday gifts

Story masterlist - please consult it for the summary of the story, trigger warnings etc.

Wattpad | AO3

Chapter 16 | Chapter 18

---

Chapter 17- Birthday gifts

word count: 2.1k words

~two months later~

Even though Minho and Crystal have been having lunch in the cafeteria every day, they wouldn't be able to meet too often otherwise, since Crystal would only get home after 12 AM most days, and Minho would be too tired after practice to stay awake and wait for her. He's been training alone every morning, and would have team practice every evening, since the game was now less than two months away.

He would have a three-week Christmas + New Year's Eve break soon, which he couldn't wait for, but that would also mean a break from his training, which he wasn't too thrilled about.

However, tonight and tomorrow would be different. His birthday was tomorrow, and there wouldn't be any training, and tonight after practice he dropped by the pub with his teammates to celebrate. They bought a lot of rounds and had way too much fun for a Thursday night, and by the time they were done, the clock already showed 12:00 PM.

He was quite close to the restaurant where Crystal worked, he noticed, so he made a little detour and hoped she hadn't left yet.

He almost arrived in front of the restaurant when he saw her get out lazily. She was wearing another one of her sundresses and a jacket on top, and she wore some sexy stockings, and besides staring at her legs like a creep, Minho wondered how the heck she wasn't cold in this December weather.

He walked behind her for a while, observing her mannerisms. She stretched her arms a bit at first, then hugged herself and tried to keep away from the cold.

So cute. Minho muttered and took off his jacket, running towards her. She turned around with panic in her eyes after hearing the quick steps behind her, but before she figured out what happened, Minho embraced her and lifted her body off the ground, spinning her a few times while hugging tight.

"Minho!" She smiled, hugging him back. He's never acted like this before, so it was certainly a surprise, but it came as a serotonin boost after a long shift, so why not enjoy it while it lasted?

Besides his usual smell, he also smelled faintly of alcohol, so she figured this was the reason why he's acting so happy to see her.

"Crystal!" He replied with excitement, putting her back on the ground. His hands were still on her back, and hers were still around his neck, but she quickly cleared her throat and moved them when she noticed their close proximity.

No more mistakes like last summer. She repeated in her head like a mantra and created a safe distance between them. She didn't want to misunderstand yet again.

He placed his jacket on her shoulders.

"You scared me." She chuckled. "What are you doing here?"

"I went for some beers with the boys, and we were in the vicinity."

"Oh, is that so?" She chuckled. He was so happy, like a golden retriever. "How was training?"

"Amazing! I scored a lot! We also trained our new goalkeeper today and I think I made his life a bit too hard."

"By the way, I always wanted to ask, but I feel like we haven't talked in forever. What happened to Jun? The guy that-"

"Oh, that loser didn't get in." Minho shrugged.

"Really? That's good news."

"Yea. The dumbass tried punching me and received disciplinary action for it, but he apparently didn't handle that too well, and last I heard, he got kicked out of Uni for good."

"No way!" Crystal exclaimed, shocked. "That's amazing! Payback, bitch." She muttered under her breath, making Minho chuckle.

"Enough about him." He waved his hand around. "What cake do you want to eat tomorrow?"

"Hmmm, chocolate?"

"I knew you would say that!"

"Is everyone coming?"

"Of course! Hey, Crystal, let's celebrate your birthday next year as well. We can get you those big ass balloons with your age and-"

"How much did you drink?" She chuckled, and he pressed a finger against her mouth to shut her up.

"Irrelevant." He said, before they both burst out laughing.

"Why don't we get them for your birthday? That's such a good idea. I should've gotten you balloons instead of my gift, since you're such a clown anyway."

"Wait, you got me a gift?" His eyes grew wide.

"Of course I did, don't be silly. It's actually in my bag right now." She pointed to her backpack.

"No way! What is it?"

"You wanna know?" She raised an eyebrow teasingly.

"Yes!"

"Come here." She gestured him to bend down so she can whisper in his ear, and when he came close enough, she said:

"Red five diamonds in my bag." And then burst out laughing.

"Did you just fool me so you can sing G-IDLE?" Minho asked in disbelief, before bursting out laughing himself.

"No, it's actually in my bag, but you can wait until we get home." She chuckled.

"I don't wanna wait!" He whined.

"Don't be such a kid. You got to hear me sing at least."

"I don't need any red diamonds as long as Crystal stays by my side." He then replied in a serious tone, and she slapped his arm playfully with a lazy chuckle.

"Nice play on words, you flirt. Now shut it."

"Aren't you cold in that dress?"

"I wear winter stockings, so no."

"I don't think I could wear a dress in winter."

"Good that you don't have to." Crystal laughed.

"I know, but hypothetically, if I had to, I would die of hypothermia."

"No, you wouldn't. Do you see me dying?"

"You're not cold only because I gave you my jacket." He pointed to her shoulders. "What would you do without me?"

"Die of hypothermia, apparently." She laughed.

"Should I make sure to come save you every night?"

"How could you? You're leaving for like a month next week." She said, reminding him that he's going back home for the winter holidays. She's going to have the apartment to herself again.

Minho just nodded, and looked dejected for a second, but Crystal ignored it.

Not getting any wrong ideas this time. She told herself again and shrugged. He was just being his usual friendly self, amplified by the drinks he consumed with his peers. That's all.

Once they arrived home, Minho didn't even let her take off her shoes before he placed his right hand palm-first in front of her.

"My gift." He said, and giggled like a kid.

"Let me take these off first, will you?" She scolded him and grabbed his hand for support instead, while she took off her winter boots.

"Using me as furniture, not nice, not nice." He shook his head playfully.

"You're like a kid when you drink." She chuckled and ruffled his hair, then took off her backpack and rummaged through it for the gift.

She found it quickly enough. It was a fairly small box with a red ribbon around it.

"Happy birthday." She smiled and handed it to him, who grabbed it excitedly.

"Thanks! What is it?" Minho asked again, looking at the box from all angles.

"Open it." Crystal encouraged him, and he pulled on the ribbon.

Inside the box was an elegant black fountain pen with gold margins and a golden engraving of his name. It was quite expensive, a few hundred bucks, and she's been saving a lot for it, but she was so happy with how it turned out. She thought it fit Minho well.

He took the pen out and opened it, examining it carefully.

"It's so beautiful." He said after a few seconds. "It even has my name on it."

"You have a lot of exams this year, and I thought-"

She didn't get to finish what she was saying, because he took her in a tight embrace once again. She hugged him back and closed her eyes, feeling at home.

It was so sad, to feel at home in the arms of someone who doesn't want you.

Minho let her go and grabbed her face with his hands, looking into her eyes.

The liquid courage made him do stupid shit. His mind kept saying Kiss her, kiss her, kiss her, kiss her all over again, but he couldn't do that and risk making her uncomfortable; not after acting so confusingly all this time, and certainly not after she told him to stop acting this way.

She moved away first once again, and Minho was glad he didn't kiss her after all, even though he was curious of how her lips would feel against his.

~Crystal's POV~

The next evening, I took the day off work and our small group of friends gathered in the apartment to hang out and celebrate Minho's birthday.

He opened all sorts of gifts, we all ate and drank, and we all decorated the house to prepare it for Christmas.

"We must decorate!" Minho exclaimed as he pulled out a lot of boxes from God knows where. I swear I've never seen them before. Did he get them today? It was a mystery.

I wonder why he wanted to do this; it wasn't like Minho was going to be here and enjoy the decorations.

Having a fully decorated but empty house just makes me depressed.

Of course, he doesn't know that, and I won't bother telling him that I always hated the holidays, because I am always alone while everyone else is with their loved ones, and this year would be no different. Christmas was a lonely time.

"So, what are everyone's plans for this Holiday?" Jude asked with excitement.

"I'm gonna go back to my parents." Lydia replied with a smile, holding Jinki's hand. He was coming with her, I assumed.

"I'm also going to meet Kibum's parents and I'm soooo scared!" Jude covered her face with her hands, and Key laughed, patting her back.

"They are not that scary, come on!" He said.

"They are literal sweethearts." Minho assured her as well.

I looked down at my hot chocolate and saw the small marshmallows resurfacing. We did hot chocolate bombs, and the whole room smelled good.

I smiled.

"What about you, Crystal? What are your plans?" Jinki asked.

"Oh, not much." I tried to dismiss the question. "Thankfully I don't work on the 24th and 25th, so I'll just chill back here and sleep, probably."

"Alone?" Taemin frowned. "You can always come with me-"

"Don't be silly." I chuckled. "I'll enjoy this time to the fullest and get back all my energy because I'm soooo drained!!! They've been working me like crazy in the restaurant! We had this crazy customer who started stalking one of my coworkers, and we've been on the lookout since, just to make sure he's not getting close to her."

"Crazy!" Jude shuddered.

"Right?! And other than that, we've only been having full nights, I think I'm gonna pass out if I have to work one more shift like that. Thank God my other coworker volunteered to take Christmas Eve and Christmas Day."

"Just relax babe, you need it more than anyone." Lydia nodded, and we changed the subject.

~Minho's POV~

"I'll enjoy the time to the fullest and get back all my energy because I'm soooo drained!!! They've been working me like crazy in the restaurant! We had this crazy customer who..."

There it is, she's changing the subject and hopes no one will notice it, again.

Why are you doing this, Crystal?

Why didn't you hear Taemin out and accept his invitation?

Would you even come with me if I invited you to my parents' house, or would you just dismiss me and call me silly as well?

Why do you feel bad about accepting things from us, even after all this time?

Would you really prefer staying here, alone?

Wouldn't it feel lonely?

You've been staring at that cup for 10 minutes now, and you've been smiling absently ever since Jude started talking about Christmas.

It was one of those smiles that I learnt to recognise.

'I'm hurt, but I don't want to upset anyone.'

That's what it means. I know it, Crystal. I can read you better and better with each passing day.

You've been avoiding looking at me ever since last night, and it's my fault, I know. I pondered too long on kissing you, and you moved away, and I deserve it.

I rejected you first, and I still regret it.

But still, can't you spare me even a glance?

I'd figure everything out, if only you looked at me.

Taemin said you look at people like you truly see them, and I think that's why I've been falling for you ever since we met. Because you see me.

How can I tell you that I see you too, though?

Maybe it's good that I'm going away again.

Maybe I'll realise yet again how much I fucking like you and it'll push me to do something for once.

---

Chapter 16 | Chapter 18

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arispensieve · 2 years

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Talking to grace about sadistically lusting after the French goalkeeper Hugo Lloris (they were, I wasn’t. Or, I wasn’t at first and then they sent a picture and then I was looking at him and going ‘…goddamnit I do actually want to see you bleeding and/or crying while pulling your head back by the hair. You look sort of pathetic. Congrats grace you have good taste in footballers’.)

It’s fascinating because it feels so much worse than the comparison of however many legions of people are lusting after him normally, even if it isn’t any worse (provided it stays between grace and I or places where M. Lloris will never see it, naturally. They actually made a post about it on their main so I feel no guilt writing about it here where no one follows me, few know it exists, and fewer care.) I don’t need any further things to hate myself over, and I honestly don’t usually waste time hating myself over some soft sadism (spent ages judging myself to hell and back over the omo kink, and about liking sex as much as I do in general or wanting sex ever, but the sadism just snuck its way through somehow I guess.)

But I don’t actually hate myself over it. Anyway, there’s a very pleasant camaraderie - not even a sexual thrill per se, though I guess that’s where the whole naughtiness kink people have comes from - (nb is there anyone in the world who is actually aroused by the word naughty? I cringe a little every time I hear it in any sexual context. I mean I am sure there are or it wouldn’t be everywhere and more power to them they should do what makes them happy but. Still???) in “yeah, this is something worth keeping secret. This is not something the world would like. But it’s not a secret from you actually. We can have fun over here.” On both the giving and receiving end of that. Like both being in an exclusive club and also having some embarrassing bit of you suddenly accepted and encouraged at the same time.

So all of that extremely rambling post to say that I am in happy feelings - not even sexy! Just happy - about wanting to hurt this French footballer with grace.

#external emotion #(positive this time!)

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somedaytakethetime · 3 years

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HE SHAVED WHY??? WHO HURT YOU SCHMEICHEL???

#kasper schmeichel #I'm so sorry for the crappy quality #it's what I deserve really #God I hate these goalkeeper kits so much #they all look like praying mantis #sexy praying mantis but still...#LEI vs LEG #30.09.2021

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sugar-petals · 3 years

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get to know football prince kai havertz: intro masterpost

as my recent pretty boy agenda entails writing long ass meme essays about handsome male football players for you to look at and enjoy

today’s the day you get to check out the man of all men

welcome to an extensive introduction guide on germany’s #1 cheekbone export

with the wholesome hobbies

and the most important goal in european football this year

if you wanna know more about this looker? join the ted talk it’s gonna be outrageous

the sleek specimen in question: mr. kai lukas havertz (22), accidental supermodel forward at fc chelsea in england, yeah that’s the london team with the dark blue shirts, go tell em your sexy number kai:

29 bc he has 2 great legs and 9 lives like a cat, he respawns from everything you throw at him, you can see it from a mile away

immortal vampire with a back problem kinda guy, we hired him to scare the opposing teams shitless with his ominous booty posing it works

ikr he always looked way older than he is, blame that intense bone structure and low brow, kai’s barely in his 20s the hell

and admirably already made it as far as you can in the clubs, in case you heard about the champion’s league (...where all the best and sassiest european clubs compete for a comically large silver goblet), he scored the final’s winning goal

awkwardly, in typical fashion — my man tripped over the goalkeeper — but he did it, aged 21, very proud right here, this is how it happened:

wonderkid kai is also an attacker in the german national team, as the #7, which is the number of maximum years i predict it takes until he won the euros and the world cup at least once, it’s only a matter of time germany is gearing up we’re hotter than ever 😤

in both teams he’s basically um yeah moving his body back and forth gracefully on a large green field while looking amazing and doing genius things, that’s his job summary it’s simple on paper

the english press calls him the ‘silky german‘ and i get why, that silhouette that focus those fancy brows

since kai is a forward he’s also notoriously tangling himself up in the net of the opposing goal (you kinky mf, bondage in broad daylight)

and piercing through the competition with these absurd cheekbones

(it’s not plastic surgery. he always had these)

a whole model menace but please he’s actually goofy

should you wonder how to pronounce him at this point, roll the r a little harder and you got it down. he goes by kai havats if you consult most english commentators but the correct german rendition is kai-há-ve-ar-ts

he got a lotta fans learning how to spell it, eye of the hurricane, especially chelly simps for him 24/7

let’s find out in detail how my spaghetti-shaped husband is causing such a stir, this thread is structured with hashtags and we’re starting with the most obvious:

#LOOKS

so you’d like to know about his features and how to spot him (unsurprisingly: very easy, he’s a sore thumb everywhere, and surrounded by his puppy children)

we have all kinds of overly specific nicknames for his appearance, if you see ‘[random weird word] prince’ on football tumblr you’ll know it’s him

catch kai by his goal celebration: sticking his tongue out as far as he can, he thinks he’s havertz thee stallion, then he ends up like this somewhere at the goal line

kai always seems like he just broke into a different dimension, like a christian saint picture almost? why is he always looking up, what does he see, why is there suddenly a ray of light

he’s an offensive 6’3 tall, i guess he has a different perspective on what’s happening behind heaven’s door, maybe he consults with god on how to score after the next corner kick or something, no surprise he is so divine

anyway. never knew a bloke named kai who was unattractive, havi is no exception if not a prime example of overly serious tumblr sexyman

the whole fandom (i’m not aware that havertz stans call themselves a certain way universally, i just call ourselves the havies) agrees he’s the weirdest-looking 10/10 in the football game, and photographers eat him the fuck up

with a bunch of strange lighting and uneventful sponsored clothes he already brings on his inner lucky blue smith, holy mother of hair product they can make my giant baby look 35

even the way he just stands there is peak posing talent, he always tilts his hip to the right and hits the tyra banks, he came to be a statue

you can tell that people who stan this big ole asparagus all have cripplingly high expectations towards men and unfair beauty standards, a moment of silence for guys who are not kai havertz, when will they do notable slutty things every day like he does, when will they keep up, in their defence he was written by a woman i think (that’s arguably hard to achieve)

in that exact spirit he’s complemented ofc by lovely romantic curls and waves, contrasts well with his famously gaunt and bony face, love it when it’s longer and swept aside, very greek very heartthrob, i told you he’s unrealistic

he runs his hands through it every other second to indulge us, does he read our posts or what? log off tumblr kai practice your goal finish

he once had a straight hair phase back in the day and it was also very comely if not jawdropping, and don’t you say a bad word about his acne

the eyes are just amazing i’m aware, channelling some disney villain realness and then there’s kai’s doggo lmao, he is trying his best to paint himself as the most intense dog father ever like why, nobody’s gonna hurt your woofer smh

instantly recognizable long legs from a distance, kai stumbles across the lawn constantly. they do what they want faster than he can catch up, christ he’s talented

even at their most muscular they stay naturally slim, my man is very ectomorph, so streamlined mwah

since havi came to england from his former club leverkusen he did buff up a bit, his upper body is a lil different (also note the beautiful hands btw)

(more hand appreciation, they really are flawless)

his shoulder area is great too, the right balance of everything, a little geometry a little slope a little boyfriend vibes

and btw, geometrics: hey, chelsea. stop handing him these wild jersey prints. my head is spinning, kai’s already hypnotizing enough

and grant him more free time so he can indulge in his shaving fetish istg (...kai insists he hates having a beard on himself and his royal mood does turn more awry with every new grown millimeter — which is a problem since he gets a 5′o’clock shadow faster than his career took off, goddamnit havertz hormones)

that being said i bet his hair and aftershave smell so perfectly princely pristine like am i right or am i right, silky IS the right word, give this man a shaving commercial, come on gillette you cowards

...to sum things up. his face can’t be missed: everything’s flatter on the bone than the netherlands, his smile has these 3 fish-like wrinkles because he’s koi havertz our merman husband, touchable curly curls and browly brows, you almost never see the bottom row of his teeth, his suffering eyes are shaded like an anime swordsman on a vengeance streak, michelangelo went a little too feral when he put the chisel on kai’s cheekbones, aaand the fade up his nape and above his ears is so professionally done i’m about to faint from haircut bliss

razors and kai are best friends. spare my wig oh god why

he doesn’t have the same barber as chelsea’s goalie, but they look like brothers so watch out for major confusion, that’s mister ⭐️ kepa arrizabalaga revuelta ⭐️ for you right here, again for you to read it: ✨ arrizabalaga ✨

yes what a hot name, football twitter calls him kabi for short, i call him catty, or balenciaga, go on señor gato give us everything

mr revuelta is basically the 6’1 stubborn spanish version of kai with bigger gloves

kai’s hands are always cold so he wears gloves too, the man freezes as soon as the temperature drops below 25 celsius, he’s walking around like a bank robber, u just have to do a double take sometimes if it’s not kepi the cat ok

as a rule of thumb, kai is taller, like he would bang up his head standing inside kepa’s box lol

balenciaga’s cheekbones are deceptive and his frame is copy paste kai with slightly bigger tiddies i know, but kai’s silly ((( = u = ))) smile gives it away i think

ok now you know another sexy guy from chelsea and kai’s clone you’re very revuel-come

TL;DR — kai is ready for a milan runway, he’s very oddly sexy, kepa is the white gloves guy standing AT the goal and kai is the black gloves guy IN the goal because he crashed into the net for the nth time, i’m confident you can tell him apart on the pitch just look for a tall brunette with a knot in his legs

#PERSONALITY & PEOPLE

never let the royally stern expression trick you

kai is a raging enthusiast for rural life since early on. i know, adorable

you always find him somewhere squatting in a barn (he’s too tall for any ceiling) or outdoors. SOFT

donkeys are his thing, he’s big on animal rights (anti zoo, anti circus), he looks so beaten down if he can’t hug his donkeys daily, if someone calls them goats he’s rolling his eyes and goes off, this stuff is important to him he’ll protecc donkeys with his life thanks to him the whole fandom came to appreciate them

yes kai is ranty as hell once you set him off, he also cusses when he gets too excited and always ends up apologizing on twitter after winning something lmao

as a balancing opposite to being a swearing farmer he’s into the latest gaming technology, always scares the living hell out of himself when something unexpected happens

and guess who joins the gaming sesh and outdoor activities? oh yeah there’s a lady

kai’s childhood sweetheart and gf sophia weber. she’s not very much in the limelight or on social media but we do have some cute lq pictures of shy havi getting smooches 😌

been together for ages, very sweet couple, kai is always “my girlfriend my girlfriend my girlfriend my girlfriend my girlfriend” that’s right, i adore these two, we sometimes see some PDA at the big games ( ˘ ³˘)♥

sophia is all of us

i love it she’s so enjoying herself

what i want to say she is an exquisite lady who want to congratulate, but i don’t really have to tell her, she knows, the smile says it all

not one doubt who’s the boss here let’s not beat around the bush

as far as we can tell by their updates kai is a very whimsical, cap-wearing but loving boyfriend and makes someone a very happy girl so we love to see it, she’s v proud of him like every german national team and chelsea fan so she’s our representative 🤗, his waist is free real estate i thoroughly approve

like isn’t miss soph lucky, and they are a little dog family 🐶😭

the man is a complete romantic he plays the piano and whatnot, superb hobbies what can i say

meanwhile his raging hormones resulted in baby fever and spiralling dad instincts so kai has been out there collecting the most endearing big puppers left and right so he has something tiny to take care of

(granted, everything and everyone looks tiny next to him)

now ye know where the tongue goal celebration comes from he learned from the greatest

sometimes he’s a bouncy upbeat doggo himself, don’t let the pokerface and height misguide you

especially in the presence of a certain gentleman who is very important in kai’s biography

mister julian ‘bestie’ brandt (25), a north german footballer himself, very blonde very cute very sexy, a triple threat you’ll like him, yes he’s also in the dog squad

(brand means fire or arson in german. no wonder he’s so hot)

jules is kai’s former leverkusen co-player in the midfield hence their connection, they know each other they’re friends from work

these two bromance the living hell out of each other on ig, always did photoshoots together, kai was glued to julian, they partied with each other’s families they go on vacation together they did joint interviews and fanmeets and promos

the football world watched on and concluded: goals with ball — second priority. #bravertz goals — first priority (beaming grins, how we love that)

nowadays, bad news, they’re far apart bc career, julian became a yellow bumblebee at dortmund back in germany which is a big deal the club is a staple

they complain about missing each other all the time, even way before his departure to england kai’s smirk has been wiped from his face i worry a lot is he ok

maybe they meet again in the national team, under ideal circumstances they play together for the crosscontinental tournaments which the entire internet and football press loves, bravertz can inspire world peace they are a humanitarian institution come on let them play

so yeah talk about pokerface, i know i know the man might um radiate some slightly pink purple and blue particles through these cheekbones if you catch my drift, god bless him

fingers crossed for julian’s inclusion in the germany nt soon

and as far as blessings and humanitarian things go, anyway. kai auctioned off a hundred of his expensive ass boots to help german flood relief, you heard about what was going on, he raised lots of awareness

again don’t be fooled: his personality in interviews is basically one-liners, the english press thinks he doesn’t care about anything based on his exhausted face apparently

it’s true that kai’s pitch alter ego is a sickly victorian leg poser who’s had too much opium and an existential crisis after church, but with his friends he’s all giggles and we know he’s a snuggly boo, am very glad to see his benevolent koi smile shining down on us every time 🐟☀️

like. i mean. this bitch is a gemini. A GEMINI! his moon is in taurus, and he’s a slutty catholic. i like slutty catholic geminis with their moon in taurus, hence i like kai it’s simple, he has a lotta sides to him, a special charisma y’know

june 11, 1999. that just rolls off the tongue. he’s from aachen which is notoriously impossible to pronounce for non-natives so let’s just say he’s west german from a district that has a lot of medieval history, the architecture is as majestic as he is

yeah i’m also wondering. how on earth did a homoerotic westphalian farmer from the 8th century get reincarnated in such a strange and glamorous haute couture body i don’t understand it, how did that happen

gemini duality i guess, best of both worlds 👌

he’s young and old… beautiful and odd… progressive and countrified… sweet and grumpy… an absolute hoe and a moral institution… get yourself a dude who’s like men’s shampoo. 2 in 1

saint and sinner i’m telling you, miss sophie is my witness he can do both

wait. kai actually has his own men’s shampoo franchise i’m crying

anyhow, since he is so young and manifold, i’m glad that he has older players at chelsea and the national team to look up to, or um to look down to, he’s so huge bro, imagine having to work with him and all you see is this, it’s no wonder that our germany nt is waving the rainbow flag more aggressively these days, kai is level 10 crushcore

in the national team he’s taller than our goalkeeper (wannabe boxer manuel neuer, right) and our buffest midfielder (mister world leon goretzka, middle) RIP, especially to kai’s back

everybody looks like he is their grumpy supermodel nanny i swear

my man really has to grow into that role please go easy on him he’s more of a moody teenager than a leader, he can only glare so much from the bench like a renaissance painting

gladly enough kai’s brain is impeccably devoid of anything at all, how else could he handle that level of fame and football capitalism, like if you ever heard him speak it’s basically the sloth in zootopia talking about family and home life, on the pitch he’s just there to speed around and be stunning so thank you for your service my prince

#STOWY

so a little bit on his story, not too many endless numbers and data but rather a cute childhood pic first, he still bites down his lip that way nothing has changed

havi has come a long way

for a dude this illegally handsome, his parents sure do work for the german law, we don’t know much about them but his dad is/was a police officer and his mom an attorney

they didn’t do anything to stop and arrest him i guess. and frankly nobody’s mad. kai can be as criminally sexy as he wants when he wants where he wants he’s the prom king made in bayer 04 leverkusen my friends, for ten whole years

the interesting thing is: kai’s father ralf was actually a footballer much like kai’s granddad but had to quit since it didn’t bring in any money, look at them now at the european championships

safe to say they don’t have that problem anymore. i’m not joking with you twinkus maximus is worth a 100 (!) million

yeah us havies stan an unaffordable man. if i want him at my own hypothetical football club, i can maybe buy a small corner of a donkey barn and try to lure him with that so he comes for free. but y’know. his happy face is priceless that matters the most don’t forget that

chelsea on the other hand, madmen they are, really paid that fucking sum for him to break up with julian, leave germany, and take the next step, now he’s an english superstar; london and twitter adore him

recently his performance isn’t always top-notch usually resulting in a wave of sighs, oh well, people forget he got fucked up by having corona in 2020, and julian is nowhere to be seen in england, the guy’s happy pill is absent, but kai scores when it’s important as we know, the trophies don’t lie

recently the other chelsea attack stars got struck with injury so now he can show what he got and the goals are settling in one by one, he remains a wizard

havi’s manager is a fellow german, the hopelessly crazed intelligence monster thomas tuchel, who somehow uses his shoes to hex his enemies & manages to accidentally create beef with any higher executives or big players every time, but i’d be damned if i wouldn’t say he recognizes quality and is passionate, his eyes are the keenest he analyzes it all

each premier league coach is completely gung-ho this is a fair warning, tuchi is not even close to an exception he’s the belly of the beast

thomas’ eyes and ears are very round that’s how you recognize him, i don’t know how else to describe this man. it’s like. he’s thinking about the ball so much, he became the ball. why are his ears so perfectly round

mind you a whole bucket of credit is due here, tuchi is a tactics and team building genius who sets very strict rules the german way so that’s exactly what kai needs he’s a whole ass bottom remember

it’s reassuring to know that they don’t have a language barrier because hav’s english skills are notoriously picasso-esque and 80% nasty words he picked up on the pitch (my man got so corrupted on the island 😭) and thomas is a true spiralling virgo weirdo who has to translate his english from the bavario-swabian linguistic complexities in his head. imagine the chaos

for those worrying that you have to learn german to understand kai: he talks in singular quips and chuckles, tweets in english, also in like four words or two unrelated emojis each, gemini again

…and half of football tumblr is both translating and clowning his every move. don’t fret my footie frens, you will know what he’s up to. and as with all footballers it’s the body that talks the most

and oh boy is kai talkative in that regard, body ody ody language

the havies can read his mood from the angle of his eyebrows by the millimeter, he is blatantly obvious and rejects being trained in PR i suspect, kai being unfiltered is v important to me and every football tumblr meme blog

for instance when he kaispreads on the bench he wants to be comforted and his disappointment is immeasurable that’s one rule

when he’s dragging himself across the pitch going >:| he is dire need of a particular huggy style. if he can’t bury his face in the crook of someone’s neck kai’s yearning turns into brooding turns into frowning turns into 24/7 emo grumbling. so please. give him hugs.

and when he goes *%&§#*+=?%&!! and his tongue is so far out it’s touching his toes he’s happy and carefree and trolling the press, get nasty kai 🤘👅

don’t you know that bottoms keysmash. he does that when he speaks. um kai this is not a text message it’s a real conversation

...you can tell we’ll hear a lot from him in the future

#TECH

and now the last segment: skills. but talking about football tactics and technique in text form is literally so dull though, let’s make it horny like the man himself

okay so you wanna experience what this pricey eyebrows bottom can do

if you see a constantly bent-over guy or a really tall person blocking people with his back on the field like a little spoon, that’s him at work. sometimes he squats down with his ass right in the camera

just peg him already

if u don’t believe me that he’s a little spoon ask sophia smh

he’s always running around in complicated swirls on the pitch, resembles his hair pretty much

kai kind of reminds me of a stork in his style of play, i mean it in the best of ways

also. with all that tongue stuff it’s only logical kai’s head game is pure fire, he’s working with his height ugh he jumps so damn high

but then again. in front of the goal he suddenly becomes the most patient person on the planet?? like he starts doing little tricks when the area is empty and he could just put the ball in?? he’s literally waiting?? tf why is he like ok uwu time for some on-pitch orgasm denial?? wow, and how

JUST SHOOT ALREADY, SHOOT

the whole penalty area could be on fire and he is there… chilling with the ball… dribbling it left to right… channelling his inner donkey energy…

i think he just wants to have people yell at him what to do

yea the finish is a bit— you know, embellished

(which includes almost busting his princely nose bridge by tumbling over the defense, kai please take care of your face the world depends on it)

#klutzykai

he’s also known for going completely overboard in one-on-one once provoked, his revenge tackles are more english than the english players, zero nuance detected, he has no idea how to be aggressive properly, also he’s throwing his co-players around like tomorrow never comes, cool down lukas nobody wants to celebrate goals with you anymore

you’re not a west london thug and you’re not built like mister romelu lukaku, kai please for the love of god when people test you stay classy

(^lukaku, also plays at chelly like kai, he’s five times as broad compared to our asparagus)

same thing when germany plays: the whole nation watches with horror as kai bodychecks another midfielder and then proceeds to axe some defenders he hates

he’s too skinny for it anyway but my man is officially disqualified from being a himbo he’s a rude one, but i think he’s targeting biphobes so i’m okay with it as long as he doesn’t collect red cards

i mean maybe he could need a little help from a friend. i think a lot of people are jealous of his vibes and prompt him, there’s a lotta ppl who wanna break these legs it seems

he’s had a player spit on him on the pitch in 2019, like wtf, so it’s understandable why he wants to send some don’t fuck with me signals, the referee is very busy with the guys around him i hate it here

dudes straight up wanna fight kai for existing. this madrid boomer nacho fernandez was wilding out on him at the champion’s league semifinal this year to the point where one of the chelsea veteran defenders had to free kai from his misery down there

mister césar azpilicueta you hereby receive the kai protection award from yours truly

and @ nacho stop bullying the prince of germany and discriminating against bottoms

kai’s noodly looks and legs are not his fault. touch him again and 80 million germans lead by julian brandt are ready to break your nacho nuts i’m maD

we’re about to end nacho’s career faster than kepa kitty can kill a penalty

i am reassured to know that timo werner is also playing at the chels, he’s a bitchy german striker with the good hair and a confusing smile so kai has someone similar to talk to, lmao these two

….although maybe some TLC would also be very nice for kai he’s just a very tall dog owner who’s very touch- and donkey-deprived, he’s kinda exhausting himself on the pitch without his cuddle battery being loaded

he’s great to watch regardless, the made in lermany (leverkusen + germany) quality is undeniable, he’s so glam he’s got mentality he is the moment, look at my spaghetti spouse

his style is leggy it’s convoluted and relies on bending over way too damn much = all in all every reason for tops around the world to switch on the latest german national team circus performance

or another dramatic chelly game at stamford bridge or wherever else they’re implementing tuchel’s tormentation tactics

watching kai is like he’s playing effortless piano with his feet

i can understand why he is so damn expensive

the lovely legs cannot be fathomed by someone who never saw kai wind and little spoon himself through a wall of defense… chef’s kiss

so that’s it on kai havats, hope you enjoyed the wild ride, hope you support my gen z husband or at least liked the leg pics

and chellies: we gang up on nacho and the guy who spit on kai next friday at 5 pm behind stan-ford bwidge, tuchi just rage texted me he’s joining with his shoe

we’re waiting for u nacho <3

🌸 in the meantime 🌸

i wish kai a very champion of europe and i hope all your donkey farm dreams come true, thank you for blessing us with your saintishly sinful handsomeness, our curly prince beloved, our 2-in-1 men’s shampoo, the only cheek gills gemini we can accept, i love you twinkus maximus you’re one of a kind 🐟💙

#kai havertz #fc chelsea #germany nt #football #german nt #long post #football intro #kai havertz memes #germany nt memes #football memes #julian brandt #bravertz #timo werner #thomas tuchel #romelu lukaku #sophia weber #bayer leverkusen #borussia dortmund #humor

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