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#god i just want to be normal what is wrong with me
wasteddmoondust · 2 days
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pineapple || james potter
pairing: james potter x reader 1,219 words, teacher and james go on their first date! what could go wrong? a/n: can you tell i am horrible at titling my fics... somehow i just need it to relate to what happens. so uh. enjoy!
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You feel your heart going absolutely crazy. You know it's first-date jitters, but somehow it feels worse this time. It's nothing special, really. You try to tell yourself. Just another first date. Just like other first dates (that has turned to nothing...) And now this first date is the father of one of the children you teach. Yeah, nothing special.
After several attempts to make yourself busy by looking at your phone, you hear your name. It's James and he's walking up to you.
"First name basis already?" you ask smugly.
He chuckles, "What? Sorry, I guess I'll just call you-"
"Please don't, I hate being called that outside of work."
"Got it."
The two of you walk together and he leads you to a quaint coffee shop, James swears by the coffee made here. When the orders are made you find a seat and sit down.
"It's been a while since I've been on a date," he says, hands fidgeting with the receipt.
"Same here," you admit.
He stops playing with the receipt and furrows his brows. "Really? But I'm the parent."
"And I'm the one taking care of your kid for a whole day, 20 kids, actually."
"Huh... and you don't even meet people in the industry?"
You snort. "Unfortunately no, a lot of them are older and married with kids. There's no one to date there. Trust me, even the older teachers try to make me get on dating apps. If anything, you're doing them a favour."
He grins that grin that makes your heart do a little flip. Oh god, it's happening, huh?
"I'm happy to do that."
You continue your conversation, keeping it light with small talk. Then, a waiter comes by to give you your meal and you both thank him. James' phone dings, he checks the message and he replies to it while you patiently wait for him.
He looks back up at you and keeps his phone. "Sorry, my best friend is taking care of Harry today, he was just sending an update."
"That's alright. Is he doing okay?"
"Harry?" he asks, looking a little nervous. His arms are resting crossed on the table. "Uh- yeah. He's fine. Not so sure about Sirius. He just said he's letting Harry use his tattoos as a colouring book."
You laugh. "Yeah, I can see that. He does love to colour. Have you always wanted to be a father?"
James looks stunned, but laughs it off. "Not a normal question for the first date, is it?"
"Well since you already are one," you shrug.
James thinks for a while before answering. "Yeah... I've always wanted kids... Well I'm sure you've seen from the documents I sent to the school when Harry enrolled. I'm widowed..."
You nod, you do in fact know this, you had read through those documents for every child. Understanding their family structure and dynamics can be a big help in understanding the child and improving their development in school and at home.
"She uh- had complications at birth and didn't make it." He let out a sigh and shrugged. "So now it's just me and Harry. And I wouldn't trade him for the world.
"You really love him, don't you?"
"I do."
"You know you can talk about him, right?"
James looks down and purses his lips. "It's just that... other people I've dated weren't really... keen on the fact that I have a kid. You know, another person's child and all."
You tilt your head down to try and make eye contact with him. Somehow, your hand reaches out to his. "You know that doesn't matter to me, right? I already knew you had a son, hell, I even taught him for a whole year, and I still accepted your date."
His mouth forms a small frown, but his hand grabs yours anyway. "I just didn't want to seem weird."
"You're not. Promise," you give his hand a squeeze.
"Is it too early to want to kiss you?"
You both stare at each other for a second before you burst out laughing, making him laugh too.
James starts to tell you about Harry, and visibly gets more comfortable the more he does it. He tells stories from his first words to potty fails. He shows videos and pictures. From there, the both of you fall into an easy rhythm of branching from topic to topic in your conversation. You exchange bites of your food. Before you know it, you're laughing while your meal is long done and you're both on your second cup of coffee.
For some reason, you feel an itch in your throat.
Nonchalantly, you ask, "Did your pasta have pineapple?"
"Yes, why?"
"Firstly, who the hell puts pineapple in pasta? Secondly, I think I'm having an allergic reaction."
James sits up in a panic. "Oh god- I'm so sorry-"
You cough into your first. "It's fine, it usually doesn't react as bad as it used to but I like to stay away from pineapples anyway. I'm not gonna die. Can you get me some cold water, please?"
He immediately stands up and gets you a glass from the counter. You down the glass in seconds and you feel better.
"I'm so sorry that was embarrassing-"
"You're sorry? I gave you a bite!"
"I forgot to ask, it's my fault."
He gently places a hand on your shoulder. "I'm so sorry, let me make it up to you"
"James, trust me, it's fine-"
"I'll bring you on a second date."
You furrow your brows. "You just saw me cough my lungs out from an allergic reaction and you still want to bring me out?" you can't help but laugh at the ridiculousness.
"I mean... I still find you attractive after all that so if you find me attractive after I rambled about my own child to you though you have taught him for this past year I don't see why not."
At this point, you're pretty sure your cheeks hurt from all the smiling you've been doing the entire time.
Despite your protests, James insists on driving you home. When you reach the entrance to your apartment building, he tells you to wait before rushing out of the car to open the door to the passenger's side. You giggle and take the hand he holds out to you as you step out of his car.
He tugs the hand that is holding yours to make you face him. He's so close, you're desperately hoping your cheeks don't show how flushed you are.
"So... same time next week?" you suggest.
He nods. "No pineapples this time, guaranteed."
"And you're allowed to talk about Harry."
He beams at that, looking down and letting out a sigh before looking back at you. "Is it still too early to kiss you?"
"Yes, but for now I'll give you this," you press a kiss to his cheek. You slowly walk towards your building, your arms stretching until you gently let go when you're too far away. "I'll see you next week!"
And like that, you disappear into the building. James is left standing there, still in disbelief of the entire day.
He lets out a sigh, smiling, and gets into his car. He 's so excited to tell Sirius when he gets home.
a/n: if i'm being so honest i have zero idea how most allergies work so please don't get technical with me... also!!!! thank you so much for the love on part one eek i am on a roll i'm so happy to be writing this series.
taglist: @willows-lane @celosiastarr @nsr-15
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Brand New One Shot - Second Preview
I cooked a little :3c
Warning for masturbation!
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You made your way up to his tower, replaying the scene in the lobby over and over in your head. Things were going well, weren’t they? He seemed so apologetic when you told him how you felt. And then he just…disappeared like he always does. You really didn’t mean to push the issue, but perhaps you came on a little strong. Plus your rescue of him was a little more than awkward. Not that you minded the closeness, even if it was fleeting. The picture of his head resting against your chest flashed in your mind repeatedly. You could feel the heat rise to your cheeks once more as you were now mere steps from Lucifer’s door.
Focus, you mentally scolded yourself, can’t think about that. It was an accident! It won’t happen again so just…focus. No wonder he ran!
You stood in front of his door now, your knees somehow weaker than they were a moment ago. Those mental images really didn’t help at all. With a deep inhale, you went to knock, but you stopped short when you heard something from beyond the door. You heard your name.
What?, you thought, How…How did he know I was here? Lucifer didn’t sound angry fortunately, but the inflection in his voice made him sound almost sad. And…breathless? You cracked open the door slowly, a little embarrassed at being caught. You went to open your mouth to apologize for the intrusion, but not even a whisper left your lips. Because what you saw in that room left you completely and utterly frozen where you stood.
Lucifer, the great ruler of Hell, was propped up against the obscene amount of pillows on his bed with his pants pooled at his ankles, his very much erect dick in his hand. His eyes were shut, he hadn’t seen you catch him in this extremely vulnerable state.
Run, run, run, RUN! your mind screamed. Everything in your brain was telling you to shut that door and get out of there as fast as you could. But your body refused to react, you remained motionless. You were completely entranced by the scene before you. You watched as Lucifer stroked his cock, mumbling a number of curse words with your name leaving his lips like a prayer.
“Hnng, G-God damn it-ffffuuuccckk….” Lucifer mumbled, his hand gradually picking up the pace as he stoked his shaft.
You tried to wrap your head around what you were seeing, but you were coming up blank. You couldn't believe this. He’s…He’s touching himself…to me?!? How is this…? Why would he…? Your brain was a jumbled mess at this point. It was really beyond your comprehension. You felt tension pool in your stomach at the sight of him becoming undone at the mere thought of you. The sinful sounds he was making went straight between your thighs, to the point where it became uncomfortable that you weren’t giving yourself any attention. The tiniest bit of you wanted to push open that door and give him what he really desired. But before you even begin to think about acting on your carnal instincts, you watched Lucifer's hips bucked up as he came all over his hand. It took every fiber of your being to hold in a whimper that threatened to escape your throat.
Lucifer’s breathing was labored, you watched him toss his arm over his eyes and throw his head back on the pillows. "What the hell is wrong with me?!" you heard him ask. "Why am I doing this?! It’s been months now and I’ve barely had a normal conversation with her! And of course the only time I’ve really talked to her was after my damn head was forced against her…her…s-shit.” He waved his hand, a tissue appearing between his fingers. You watched as he cleaned himself up, thankful that he still hadn’t looked towards his door. Lucifer kicked himself out of his pant and swung his legs over the side of the bed, his head hanging low. “And what an absolutely fantastic exit I made! “Sorry, gotta go! My dick is hard as a rock right now because of you!” Great job, Lucifer! No wonder she thinks I don’t want her here!” He sighed heavily. “I can’t do this anymore. This isn’t right. I need to stop being a coward and just tell her how she makes me feel…”
A small gasp escaped your lips. Fuck.
Lucifer's head shot up immediately, his panicked eyes fixating on the door. You didn't even close it behind you as you took off sprinting down the hall, praying to anyone who could hear you that he didn't see you. You didn’t stop running til you made it back to your room, slamming the door behind you. Your knees gave out from under you as you dropped to the floor. In that second, it all clicked for you. Why Lucifer seemed to avoid you at every turn, why he tripped over his words when he spoke to you, and why he practically begged you not to leave the hotel.
Lucifer liked you. Lucifer really liked you. That thought alone could have made you scream if you weren’t trying desperately to hold yourself together. And it’s not like you didn’t have passing thoughts about him. He was gorgeous, after all. But not only that, you saw how he acted with the others at the hotel. He was sweet, and silly, and fun, even though you never got to experience it first hand. Now you knew where Charlie had gotten it from.
But of course those thoughts never stayed. He didn’t like you, right? So instead of wallowing in what could never be, you thought it best not to dwell. But now…now those thoughts were coming back in full force. The aching between your legs only grew as the very fresh images of Lucifer naked and moaning in his bed flooded your mind.
There was a knock at the door.
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wrathofrats · 3 days
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Some gay freak DMd me “I love the idea of mist hating rains attitude and how fucking high n mighty he seems to feel so she wrecks him and maybe she has Dew watch for a touch of humiliation bc dews obv so obsessed w Rain, it'll be good for droplet to see how pathetic he rlly is or smthn” and then I blacked out and wrote multiple paragraphs in his DMs so enjoy
(Love youuuuu @divine-misfortune)
Warnings for: dubcon, humiliation, probably technically exhibitionism, tentacles, trans rain, mean mist, yeah
Rain hasn’t looked at her all day.
Between trying to teach him how to play all the way through square hammer and trying to even begin touching the newer songs he’s expected to play, rain has barely even spoken or looked her in the eyes.
When mist corrects his technique he ignores her, playing through anyways like he hasn't done anything wrong. His attitude can be rough at times, as any water ghouls is, but today? Mist doesn’t think she can handle it. She can deal with snarky comments and eye rolls, but rain acting like he knows better than her makes her blood boil.
“Is this seriously how you’re going to act today?” Mist scoffs when rain looks up just to look back down again. “Are you really not going to listen to me?”
“I already know the song. Maybe if you stopped talking you’d be able to hear it too” rain mumbles.
Mist almost sees red. She hastily grabs the bass from his hands, trying not to let her rage damage the instrument. Once she knows it’s safe back in its stand she grabs rain by the shirt collar and drags him to the common room, ignoring the curses and protests rain yells out while clawing at her hand.
Dew sits in one of the chairs, legs lazily thrown over the arm with his phone in his hand. He honestly looks like he’s about to fall asleep before he hears the sound of rain threatening mist coming from around the corner.
“Get your fucking hands off of me mist!” Rain almost screams as she practically throws him to the ground in front of dew. It’s a pointed decisions, she’s seen the way dew looks at him, can read him like a book after all the time they’ve had to spend together. If rain wants to act like a brat for her, then he should have no problem showing that side of him to dew as well.
“Stay down if you know what’s good for you” mist hisses when rain scrambles. Dew can only stare wide eyed at the situation in front of him. He swings his legs to sit normally, confused on if he should stay where he is or leave to save rains dignity. The look mist throws at him keeps him glued in the chair.
“Our perfect water lily seems to think he’s figured everything out” mist smiles at dew, slotting herself behind rain. “Just thought that there’s one more thing he might want to know about”
One arm holds him to her chest as he struggles, the other yanks his pants to his ankles. Rain attempts to cover himself, pull his legs up and place his hands over his exposed cunt, but shame fills his face even if dew can’t actually see anything like this.
Dew just sits and watches, doesn’t dare to move. He’s half embarrassed for the poor ghoul in front of him because he knows damn well what mist is about to do,
But the other half is almost too excited to see it.
Mist whispers something unintelligible into rains ear that subdues him enough to let her force his legs open. His pussy is on full display for dew to gawk at. He’s already starting to get slick and shiny, pretty. Rain can bare to look at him, instead shoving his face into mists neck as she coos.
Mist slides her fingers up and down his folds, gathering the slick that’s already about to drip onto the carpet, and spreads him wide so dew can see how he clenches around nothing when she ghosts her fingers over his clit.
It’s obscene. Dew feels like he’s the sick one for staring so hard but god it’s impossible not to watch. Rains thighs twitch as if he desperately wants to close them and hide himself but he knows better, breathing heavy while mist just smiles at how docile she’s made him.
She rubs at his clit, purposeful motions that have him bucking up into her hand in search of more friction. The debauched wet sounds get louder as she works, dew wouldn’t be surprised if the floor below him was soaked already.
Mist is shocked it doesn’t take much, even more so that rain doesn’t know about this part of himself yet since he seems to be so easy. She rubs faster when she begins to feel it, rain lifting his head in slight panic.
Dew knows what she’s doing, knows the terrifying feeling.
A thick tentacle slowly reveals itself from rains cunt, bluish in hue, dripping in rains own arousal.
“Oh there we are waterlily” mist smiles as rain again tries to wiggle himself away to close his legs in shame from whatever is currently happening to him.
Mist keeps him open and on display, strokes the tentacle and guides it to stretch him open. Not super long but absolutely thick enough to have rain gasping and jutting his hips away,
It’s wet, making a mess of the poor ghoul for dew to watch, just seeing his little crush get ruined by his own tentacle in front of him.
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calumfmu · 2 days
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omfg i desperately need part two of steve stealing eddie’s girl 😭
Here it is!! Part two of Steve stealing Eddie's girl! 2.1k+ words cw: allusions to sex, angst (what's new), swearing, cheating (so serious, don't do it)
It was hard--pretending, but failing so miserably at being so into Eddie, while he was head over heels in love with you. The thing was there was nothing wrong with him, there was nothing wrong with your relationship. The only thing was that you were in it with the wrong person.
"What's wrong with you?" Eddie's voice was careful, pulling you out of your thoughts. The spoon sat in your mouth, cold against the warmth of your tongue, absently caught there as you reflected on the events that occurred last weekend.
"Hmm?"
You looked towards him, blinking the memories away. Steve sat on the forefront of your mind. His toothy smile, lopsided as he hovered above you, wetness across his plump lips, sweat beading down his chest, trailing further, further down until it dripped onto your own bare b-
"You're not even listening to me," your boyfriend huffed, throwing his own items down on the table. He stood up, pushing his chair back from the small table that sat in the space of his trailer.
Looking down at your own setting, you felt that familiar sting of guilt creeping up, warming your chest, coloring the skin there.
"You know I hate to say it, but there's been something seriously wrong with you lately," he began, slamming cabinets as he put away things from your shared dinner. "You've just been so... in your mind, and you never want to spend time with me anymore, it's so frustrating, hon."
Your eyebrow crinkled at the nickname, your heartstrings pulled when you realized that this situation was only getting so much harder.
"I just want to know," he slammed another drawer shut, rattling the mismatched cutlery inside. He grabbed your bowl from you, ignoring your whine of protest as you weren't finished eating yet. "Is it me? Did... did I do something? Spent too much time on my campaign or forgot something?" He thought for a moment, a hand coming up to brush over his mouth. "Oh God, what day is it... was it our anniversary?"
You shrugged, not finding the words to say. He leaned against a counter, arms crossed over the ratty sleep shirt on his body. From the blinds over his shoulder, you saw the twilight hours of the evening creeping in. A warmness settled in the pit of your stomach, you felt like you were going to be sick.
"Eds," You whispered, shaking your head. A few voices from the lot surrounding his trailer began to pour through the thin walls, murmurings that you couldn't make out. "It's not that. No, you didn't forget anything, didn't do anything."
He nodded sincerely, eyes becoming wide as he crossed the short distance of the floor to sit himself again. He grabbed your hand between his, pressing a light kiss to the back.
"Tell me then," He matched your low tone, leaning in closer to you. "You can tell me anything."
Swallowing deeply, you raised your eyebrows, a shaky deep breath leaving your mouth. He was patient as you stumbled over words to begin your confession. It was now or never.
"I don't know how to say, but it's..." your voice was even shakier than before, words getting caught in your throat. He was nodding, intent on hearing you out, being there for you, like he'd always been. "It's-"
A small crash sounded out from outside the trailer, trash bins being knocked over. Eddie rolled his eyes, muttering an apology before crossing the floor, parting the blinds with two fingers to peer out.
Standing up, you moved to follow him, curious as well as to what would be that loud in this normally quiet lot. You were grateful for the distraction, another moment granted to give you more time to think.
"The fuck is he doing here?" You heard Eddie mutter, eyes squinting as he looked out. Your brow crinkled in confusion, squeezing your head next to his to fit your eye line.
Time stopped momentarily, that familiar high hair style, striped shirt leaning against a BMW making snappy gestures to a couple of young kids. The four of them seemed to be arguing, Steve growing more and more frustrated as the three young teenagers gave him attitude back.
Eddie stepped away, shaking his head in disbelief at the scene.
"Leave it to Harrington," he mumbled, placing a hand on your shoulder. You were glued to the window, eyes wide as you took in your secret lover.
Eddie continued his speech, droning on about how he was to make it up to you, spend time that will take away from any wrong doing that he had done to you in the past. "I don't want to upset you or have you think of me differently, I just don't want things to change between us."
It was in one ear and out of the next, not fully processing as you still remained at the window, gaze focused on the man outside. The teenagers he spoke to, you didn't recognize.
"Hon..." he drawled out, close behind you. "Hon... Honey!"
You jumped back, messing up the blinds so they landed in a tangled heap, swinging back and forth so they banged against the window. From the small separation, you saw the group of teens looking towards the noise, confusion on their faces. You ducked down, hidden from their view as you crouched, knees close to your chest.
Eddie nodded slowly, licking his lips as he saw you, red faced and nervous, chewing at your thumb nail.
"What's up?" He slowly questioned, ignoring the way he could see Steve staring through the slightly parted blinds.
"Oh, it's nothing," you muttered, shaking your head at him. You remained on your perch, heart beating fast behind your chest.
"Nothing?" He responded, crinkling his eyes at you. Taking a step towards you, he peered through the disheveled blinds, taking a look at Steve who abandoned his car, a few feet closer to you as he squinted. "Then get up."
You looked at him, wide eyed, your mouth parted in a small 'o'. "Oh, I can't do that."
The long haired man was silent, gaze dancing back and forth between the two of you. The emotion on his face was indiscernible, a cold stare as he watched Steve come up the small flight of steps from the window, hovering his hand as he questioned whether or not to knock. You slowly stood up, peering over the sill to see whether or not Steve was still looking at you two, unaware that he stood at the front step of the door, questioning if he even saw you.
Relieved, you sighed, not seeing him in sight. The younger teens were still there, arguing amongst themselves, hands flying in all directions.
Eddie's eyes lingered on you, his lips pressed into a thin line. It was scary seeing him like this, an emotion that you'd never seen him with in the time you had been together. He'd always been happy-go-lucky, a joy to be around.
A knock sounded on the door, your heart falling once more.
"Honey?" Steve's voice carried through the thin door, echoing off of the walls. That sick feeling bubbled up, air trapped in your throat at the nickname.
"Honey?" Eddie repeated to himself, nodding as it seemed he was finally placing the pieces together. He crossed the distance to the door, swinging it open to reveal the Harrington boy, standing there proud, cockiness sitting on his face.
"What are you doing here?" He threw, dragging his eyes over Eddie's frame. He tried to peek his head in, only for Eddie to step into his view, blocking any sight of anything behind him, any sight of you.
"I could ask you the same thing," Eddie matched his tone, teetering on bitter as Steve stood in the door frame, lips pouted out. You leaned against the wall where the window was, out of sight of him, but just enough in line where you could see the full interaction.
"I thought I saw--" Steve started, shaking his head as he cut himself off. "Never mind, she wouldn't even be here."
Eddie choose that moment to look at you, hurt on his face as everything finally clicked. You made eye contact, your own nerves catching up to you as Steve's words left his mouth. Last weekend you had made a decision, had decided which boy to choose and it wasn't Eddie. You told Steve that you were leaving him, was going to tell him that Monday you had found someone new. But when that day came, with Eddie rushing to you to tell you his exciting news about his campaign, his plan with you for when he was finally done, you didn't have the heart.
Steve descended two steps, stopping at the last one before he turned back to Eddie. He opened his mouth to say something, closing it before he could start.
"Just go," Eddie spoke out loud, quirking up an eyebrow as he widened the door. Steve cocked his head, anger crossing his features as he looked up at him.
"I am, asshole."
"Not you, dumb ass," Eddie rolled his eyes, turning his body to look at you. Time stood still, moving in slow motion as you processed what was happening. "Hon." The tone was bitter. "Just go with him."
"E-Eddie, what?" You took a step towards him, speaking up for the first time since the door opened. You heard Steve's footsteps once more, his head peeping around the door frame as he looked at you, surprise on his features.
"I thought you told him," Steve shook his head, a sarcastic smile on his face. It wasn't genuine, something that screamed he was in disbelief at this moment.
Eddie looked between the two of you, how mousy you appeared, scared of your own shadow, Steve looking like a kid who had just won a prize, but lost it all in the same day.
"She didn't," Eddie said, stepping out of the way as you appeared at the door. The temperature outside was cold, in a weird way, welcoming compared to the warmth inside of the trailer. You were tempted to run out into it, feeling it embrace you with this strange boy by your side. "She didn't have to tell me anything. Just... keep her safe, yeah?"
"Eds, what's going on?" You rushed out, taking a step towards him, wincing at the way he took a step back, his head dropping towards the floor.
He refused eye contact, taking a deep breath as he focused on something behind you, wetness welling up at the corners of his eyes. "Just go, it's fine."
"Eddie--"
"It's fine." It was more urgent, his push of the two words. You knew it wasn't. Nothing would ever make this moment 'fine'. It wasn't fair what you had done to him, it wasn't fair that it had to be Steve, the man who Eddie felt like he was always in subtle competition with, even though they live on opposite sides of the train tracks.
You took a step out of the trailer, chill air hitting your skin. Steve's hand brushed your arm as he slipped his jacket off, trying to offer it. You crossed your arms over your chest, refusing it as Eddie looked between the two of you.
Steve made a few steps towards his car, unsure in his own movements--something that you definitely weren't used to. He was supposed to be the confident one in this scenario, guide you through the unknown. The soft shut of the trailer door had you turning your head, focusing on the young teenagers who had turned their own attention on the scenario.
The crunch of your shoes on the gravel stung with every step, chapters of a storybook flying by to a full end. Your mind raced, you didn't know what to do, how to feel. Everything felt so wrong, yet so... confusing.
"Who's that?" One of the kids asked, his lisp through the words. You bit your lip, turning your head away from them.
"Dustin, not now," Steve sighed, opening the car door for you. You stood there for a moment, turning your head once more to get one last look at Eddie's trailer, yards away. A shadow passed by a window, the silhouette of his body exiting out of sight. You looked at Steve, chewing your lip raw as he was solemn, eyes flitting towards the car, gesturing for you to get in.
As you took a seat in the car, you felt the end of the story completely. This decision felt final, but you weren't sure if you made the right choice. Everything still felt wrong, even with the 'right' one.
a/n: working on an angsty part three, even more than this one. just to summarize it all up. let me know if y'all want it or if I should retire it. anyways love y'all. thank you for being patient with me. Also I am so sorry, I think my weird mood rn is being translated to this text.
Masterlist. Inbox and requests are open!
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daycourtofficial · 22 hours
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Personal update below
Tw: pregnancy loss, miscarriage, blood
Here it is, the words I’ve been unable to type, much less say out loud. Late in the night a few nights ago, I woke up to some abdominal cramping and went to the bathroom. I had been bleeding vaginally all day, but not enough to be super concerned.
I woke up and went to the bathroom, and knew something was wrong. To spare the details, I was bleeding a lot, cramping severely, and I knew my baby was gone. I felt empty inside, despite only being about 7 or 8 weeks pregnant. Intuition, I suppose. I just felt so lonely, as if I wasn’t supposed to be the only occupant in my body.
My husband took me to the hospital and after hours of invasive poking, prodding, and testing, a nurse practitioner I will likely never see again, who will likely never think of me again, told me that my baby was gone. He was straight forward, which I like in medical personnel. He told me my pregnancy was unviable and that it’s common. That we shouldn’t worry. These things happen. It’s normal, common. The three or so minutes felt like an eternity, waiting for him to leave so I could fall apart in the privacy of my husband’s arms, despite the lack of privacy an emergency department offers.
The hospital was so sterile, the bright lights and lack of windows made it impossible for you to track the passage of time. The winding hallways a maze of monotony, making it impossible to know how to return to your room without a guide. The walls were devoid of any real color, save for tv screens and workplace posters. And yet, the room I was placed in was the only room with decorative curtains. All the other curtains were just a shade of navy.
Mine had flowers on it, as if the world or God or the hospital wanted to offer me some reprieve, some reminder that for the hospital, this was routine, but that it wasn’t routine for me. That I deserved something for my eyes to find comfort in.
So here it is, the new reality I find myself in. My baby is gone. The rare statement that, once it becomes true, will never change.
I’m reeling a bit from this loss, as you can imagine. I’m gutted. I got married right at the beginning of the year, falling pregnant not long after. I joked with my husband that I started the year off becoming a wife and was ending the year becoming a mom. I suppose it really was just a joke in the end, but I’m not sure if the punchline was me or my continued optimism, in spite all that I’ve endured.
Anyway, everyone was extraordinarily kind to me when I had posted that I was pregnant. I know that technically I don’t owe anyone details of my personal life, especially not this personal, but I wanted to share it because I don’t want to be sad and alone. And perhaps this will find its way to someone else who has felt some loss recently, whether it be the loss of someone or something, or a loss of self or identity, or a loss of the future you had planned out. Maybe they will feel some connection to this. Or maybe one day someone will think of this as they reel with their own loss.
I don’t regret sharing the news so early, despite the circumstances that have now led me to making this post. Any joy we can find is worth sharing, even if it’s fleeting, especially if it’s fleeting, and even if it’s for some stranger on the internet.
Anyway, I have my dogs and my husband, who are very loving. I’m not sure when I’ll post this, I’ll likely stick it in my queue somewhere so it feels less like I’m hitting the ‘post’ button and more like softly whispering all of this in the wind.
I will be okay, I always am. Grief is a black hole I am trying navigate and figure out where it ends and I begin, trying to remember what my new life will be like and how to grieve yet another version of myself lost to time and trauma and sadness.
There is no narrative device here, nothing I did could’ve changed the outcome. Sometimes the world is just needlessly cruel.
This doesn’t really affect anything on here or what I choose to interact with. I’m still okay discussing/reading/writing about babies and kids and everything in that realm. I just didn’t want anyone asking after the baby and making someone feel bad for wanting to know how I was doing.
Anyway, I don’t want to end this on a despairing note, even though that is the tune of my life at the moment. I want to remember that my now is not my forever, and I hope anyone reading this that is experiencing any manner of suffering takes as much out of that sentiment as I do.
Yours,
V ❤️
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chaifootsteps · 2 days
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Sorry to be a Debby downer, but the way some fans will use “Not all black people look the same!!!!!” as a defense for Emily and Alastor’s designs is just so annoying to me as a black woman. Normally I’d agree with this, but in their cases it doesn’t work and that’s for two main reasons.
Reason #1: A lot of people point to the fact that black people can have their hair straightened, so Alastor and Emily’s designs are a-okay in that aspect. That is true, but black features don’t just start and end at their hair. There are a lot of features that indicate that someone is of African descent, like lips and nose shape. The issue is that they don’t have any discernible features that make it clear that they’re black/black coded. Alastor I can maybe sorta understand because he is supposed to be mixed, and there are plenty of mixed kids that can be completely white-passing, even if Viv clearly only made him mixed so she could get away with having him use voodoo, but Emily is just an absolute failure of representation. Her hair is completely straight, her skin is fucking gray, her lips are the same as almost half of the female characters, and she has no nose to speak of. Literally the only thing that hints to her being black is her audition sheet. Which brings me to
Reason #2: THEY DON’T EVEN HAVE BLACK VOICE ACTORS! Alastor’s VA is Iranian-American and Emily’s is Indian-American. If Viv really didn’t want to give either of them any physical black features, the very least she could’ve done to make it crystal clear that these characters were supposed to be black coded was to make sure that black voice actors were hired to portray them, like she did with Sera and Velvette. But she couldn’t even do that much!!! So if some dipshit really wanted to, they could feasibly argue that they could be any race they want, and what easily accessible evidence is there to prove them wrong???
And the worst part of all of this is that we know that Viv (or at least her character artists) are capable of drawing black/black coded characters with black features, so why could she barely do that for her main ones?! -10,000,000/10 representation, never let this woman draw again.
Those are damn valid complaints to have, Anon. Don't let this awful fandom tell you you're not allowed to have them, because god knows they've been trying very hard as of late.
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nunalastor · 3 days
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Dark found family
(3 am brainrot got to me please help)
we’ve established that Charlie kinda does figure out that this is wrong and stuff, and there’s a fairy tale quest with the overlords getting all the keys throughout hell. And the overlords get to the hotel and each and every one of the hotel gang (Angel Dust, Vaggie, Husk, Niffty) just gives up their key because they know that this is WRONG. What if Charlie does the same thing and that’s what gets the overlords to kinda sorta forgive her. (But then they did an entire quest for nothing! NOTHING!) cue song apology (this is actually a recap of all their (Charlie and Lucifer’s) war crimes) (I feel this would be cannon for Charlie) (maybe not) so yeah. They go to the DOOR™️ and instead of inserting all the keys together because that would take a while and time is of the essence, they do Charlie’s instead. Because the DOOR™️ was probably made by Lucifer, and he’s probably (most likely) want to know if it was being opened with a key. So he has this feature where the DOOR™️ tells him if it’s being open, and if so, who’s key? Well, he’d definitely gonna know if the overlords are there cause who else is gonna use 20 different keys to open the DOOR™️??? Not him or Charlie! SO ANYWAYS (I’m getting off track ;-;) they use Charlie’s key cause A) it’s faster B) “Charlie” (the rescue group) visiting alastor is most likely normal behavior for her so Lucifer wouldn’t really suspect it.
So they enter the room and I see like three options here:
A) Alastor isn’t there.
Lucifer figured it out somehow (I don’t know how yet) and took Alastor away, probably to the royal palace to the ROOM™️ of that one ask where Lucifer takes Alastor to a room without windows or doors and there was a pantry with all the food he needs and the ceiling of the ROOM™️ is a false sky. ANYWAYS main takeaways here is that Lucifer knows, took Alastor away, and there is big boss fight right here right now. I don’t think they would win, so either Charlie talks him out of his decision or she doesn’t. Either way, people get hurt, just a matter of whether Charlie can convince Lucifer to let them live. (He’s killing them all for the crime of trying to take away his Alastor) (gods that felt wrong to type) I don’t think Lucifer would kill Charlie though, she’s a part of his family (family in italics to show importance) he would kill the overlords and anyone else tho. (Didn’t I already kinda allude to that?)
B) Alastor is there.
They see Alastor and it’s really heart breaking how detached he is, he probably doesn’t even realize they’re there (I don’t know anything about severe mental catonia) (is that how you spell it???) ANYWAYS (I’m so off track) perhaps there is an arguement with Charlie because while they knew what was happening, (maybe they didn’t know the full extent, after all, they only know that Alastor hasn’t been out in a while, and whatever Vox can scrape up in that one ask where he calls an overlord meeting with a giant cork board with red yarn and ANYWAYS) it’s different seeing it up close. I think they might spend valuable time arguing (mainly just everyone going after Charlie and Charlie doesn’t really have anything to defend herself) until someone stops them. (probably Zestial or Carmilla, they are maybe most likely to keep a level head in this situation, but then again, they really cared about Alastor, and I think this would break them to see him this way) They stop the arguing (verbal attack) against Charlie because they don’t have a lot of time and they should be using it getting Alastor out of here. I think they (those who can) try to teleport out but they can’t because Lucifer knows that they are there by now (the arguing was so loud, and he’s not the type to leave his beloved alone for long (possessiveness)) and did some sort of magical magic spell. Cue fight. (Look up at A) Alastor is not there for details).
C). Alastor is dead.
they were too late in trying to get to him and they see his dead body just lying there.
👀
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lucabyte · 2 days
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i am looking at nohats au 👀 please share more
So! NoHats! I'm going to grab you and use this to ramble. A Lot.
The NoHats AU is @samhainian's it's just that I'm the strange little freak who takes the words said unto me and executes on them. But I can still do a little explainer on what our overall thoughts and vibes are. (And, that we are in fact propping up a little box with some cheese under it here. 🪤 Please (PLEASE) feel free to pick up what we're putting down.)
We're far from the only ones exploring a "what if siffrin fucking died" AU, though the main difference with NoHats is the placement of the death in the timeline. Instead of being 'Mal Du Pays Wins' or 'Act 6 encounter goes horribly wrong', the death is… Just after the (literal) falling action.
(This placement is because Sam is a comic book fan who thus has become used to characters being ripped away at the cruelest times by shitty writers. THANK FUCKING GOD adrienne is not that and isat is delightful yippieee, but, back on topic.)
Giving the party the full understanding of What Happened that you get by putting the death after black hole siffrin, but before the A6 encounter leaves an interesting gap to be filled. See, making Siffrin's death very much not Loop's fault means that… this once again reads (when not read as simply a tragedy...) as the universe doing what it sees fit to fulfull Loop's wish… Thus making Siffrin's death Loop's fault again, but only in their eyes. And only in a way they could express if they were honest about who they were…
And this is where having had excuse to waffle about my general Postcanon Loop thoughts the other day comes in handy, because Sam and I have that as our canon-compliant reading to begin with, NoHats plays off of a lot of the same readings of Loop's character. Namely: Uh Oh Somebody's Lying By Fucking Omission Again. (BECAUSE TO BE FAIR THIS TIME… HOW THE FUCK WOULD YOU HANDLE THAT?)
Now, neither Sam nor I are fanfic writers, so this has been a little bit trapped in our heads and DMs (and my unfinished art but,)
But our thoughts on how NoHats like… Goes.
Siffrin's death is peaceful, but that does not mean the aftermath of it is. I can't imagine the party takes it well, especially after understanding the circumstances of the Loops. (And, of note, in A5 where nobody had the discussion on what to do with each other's bodies should something happen…) But I'd imagine it traumabonds them somewhat (understatement of the century) and now knowing how the rest of the party feels, they resolve to travel together for the forseeable future.
The party track down Loop to deliver the terrible news, since they were clearly Siffrin's friend too, and invite Loop along to travel at least long enough to (let them grieve) get the burial over with. Loop, here, can be helpful in knowing what Siffrin would've wanted where the party would be at a loss. Loop, I think, takes a bit of a lead on the funerary aspects of it all, because, um. (Performing rites on your own body, huh?)
Then, as things are after a death, life just… Kind of has to continue on as normal. The party travel, pick up Nille, and get to know Loop as this mysterious new person. Maybe in this situation they might stay in Bambouche for a while to give Bonnie more stability since. They are probably taking it the worst. It would've come out of absolutely nowhere for everyone in the party obviously but god, for a kid? For A Kid?
It should be stated NoHats is not intended to be grimdark, just y'know. An exploration of grief. This is also why it's got a bit of a lopsided focus on Bonnie vs the rest of the party because hhrrhghghhghghhhghhghhh <- incoherent
Now, a crossroads.
How does the party discover Loop to be Siffrin? How long does it take. How much have the party embraced them as part of the family (especially with something as intense to bond over as this)?
There's the Odile option. Have her put it together and have to bring it up somehow. This could also be done by Isabeau, perhaps. He's smart. (which. God. If anything's the real Isabeau Torment Nexus it's this)
Then there's the other option batted around by Sam and I. The: The Universe Dislikes Duplicates option.
The items in the house that fzzt away when inspected. The Universe doesn't like there to be two of something, at least not when they're acknowledged. But one of something is just fine…?
Which is to say. I'm not a personal proponent of 'Loop getting their body back'. EXCEPT …… except this one time.
There's only one Siffrin now, so they don't need to be obfuscated to exist.
Consider, if you will. Loop swallowing their guilt for long enough to be comfortable. Falling back into old habits. Without another Siffrin around to compete for the niche of, they actually begin to act like Siffrin again. Not intentionally, it's just… The party is as welcoming as they've always been. And the party swears they keep catching glimpses of a face under all the light.
Then, one day, while still not fully human again, the resemblence becomes undeniable. Loop having not even noticed until everyone looks at them like they've seen a ghost.
Has it been months? How long have they kept up this lie? Is it even a lie, to them? They're Loop. But they were, once, Siffrin.
Even after explaining it, does that make it better or worse?
Bonnie cuts through the betrayed, struck-nerve reactions with a sobering "I missed you."
… Anyway !
Yeah so that's the vibe for NoHats. As for LoopLoops? That's more nebulous. I think it can go anywhere really in the NoHats timeline. I err personally toward the "Loop continuously replays the last 10 minutes before Siffrin's death almost immediately after they find out and have to parkour their ass up the House in the most distressing situation possible to try and get them to hold on, just please hold on." (Remember! Siffrin can remember the contents of Loop's loop backs in the A6 fight!)
But there is the possibility that this happens months, or worse years down the road. One last Loop back. Throw it all away for the chance to just get that one thing you didn't know you even wanted but now know you NEED.
Misc:
Okay miscellaneous time.
This is where I admit that I have a bunch of unfinished NoHats art that I haven't gotten around to yet because I feel like a right tool being so obviously Loop-Centric with my fancontent (I AM . . I REALISE I AM NOT DOING MUCH TO BEAT THE ALLEGATIONS.) So like if people want to see that please say because euaghghghhfh <- the nervous.
this is like the most fucked up place to do isaloop fr. anyway.
one of Sam's mid-game observations that I'm just going to share for no particular reason is that Bonnie's hair shares a bunch of shapes with Siffrin's. The flick up at the top, the 3 pronged shape of the fringe… just something to think about.
Without 2 Siffrins around to compare each other to it'd likely be a lot harder to notice Loop's similarities. Doesn't mean that those similarities don't sting more in this context though.
If you do NoHats without LoopLoops. The concept of this all fading into memory years down the line while they just have slightly-glowy but otherwise regular Siffrin hanging out is fucked up to think about. Just like real grief. Augh
6. a peek into the original dms as a treat from us
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seagull-scribbles · 9 months
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“Ain’t turtles supposed to be endangered?”
“Only the ones who can’t do this!”
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Wait, fuck, hold on-
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THEY CAN'T FUCKING BRING OUT AN ANTI-HERO ARTEMIS WHEN I'M IN THE MIDDLE OF STUDYING FOR FINALS!!
WHAT THE FUCK, DC?!? HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO FOCUS?!?
oh i am so excited holy shit. am i the only one getting slade vibes from her?? because im getting massive slade/rose wilson vibes from the single eye cover and im wondering if artemis is a plant, someone unconnected from slade who wouldn't be considered a threat, to go undercover and get close to the titans. this is also like, high-key a chance to make jade and artemis sisters and/or half-sisters in canon which would be neat. i know comics fans aren't huge on changes to the canon based on outside things but making them half sisters doesn't really change jades backstory, nor artemis'.
#i am beating back spitfire fans with a broom#you don't understand what you are asking for. this man canonically has children and is married to someone else#so you are only asking for heartbreak#also Artemis canonically has a kid with someone else#so. again. stop it. if it happens it will be SAD#which#... i mean honestly id be cool with it if it was like... a mutual breakup where they remain friends after#but i kinda want Artemis and Wally to get character development without romance involved so like#im team 'lets not do that pls'#oh holy fuck dc wait don't try to pair up roy and artemis. waid i love you i trust you pls no#this is the pain of being a fan of a female comics character lmao. immediately worried about a shoehorned romance#and don't get me wrong. i fucking LOVE YJs spitfire but this isn't that and it would be so different#and itd be real hard not to be different in a bad way#so#yeah#thats my thoughts#OH GOD FUCK IS ARTEMIS SUPPOSED TO BE FRAN?????? WALLY'S SUPERHERO/SUPERVILLAIN TEAMMATE GF THAT HE LEAVES THE TEAM FOR???#TO GO TO COLLEGE TOGETHER??????#Like. I know that Artemis took Frans place in YJ but is Artemis doing it AGAIN in CANON?? Waid no i LIKE Fran.#Shes magneto but cooler and she just wants to be normal and she was childhood bffs with Wally and she also murdered her family and grew up#with a cult mom. Fran is so central city coded. shes such a girl next door with skeletons in her closet#aughhh#dc#dc comics#kid flash#wally west#artemis crock#tigress#roy harper#speedy
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lazaruspiss · 8 months
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My dick//babs "i loved you like a sister and thought that was good enough" agenda
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calumfmu · 2 days
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steve finding out reader is expecting twins and being utterly panicked, like he needs to go see robin and eddie to talk him down because he is freaking out
Ahhhhhh I love this!!! (you know the TikTok sound 'oh my goodness I love this questiionnnnn, I think-' yeah thats me right now). 857 words cw: swearing, loser!Steve trying to get his groove back,
An ice pack was pressed to his head, Robin's chipped nail polish covered fingers holding it in place. She was mumbling something, freaking out as she stumbled over her panic, 'maybe we should call 911'.
Eddie was laughing, cold beer in one hand as he took in the sight before him. Robin taking deep breaths to calm herself down, interchangeably pressing the ice to herself and Steve, while he groaned every time it was taken away from him. A dark bruise was forming on his forehead from where he passed out in your living room.
"Isn't this the shit you've always been talking about?" Eddie asked, taking a swig of his drink.
Steve closed his eyes, a deep breath leaving him. Robin yelped, shaking his shoulder.
"Stay awake, Steve!" She hurried, squatting in front of him. Steve peeked open an eye, rolling it at her.
"I'm fine, Robin," he said, wincing at the pressure he was feeling. "Yes and no, yes because I love her and I want a soccer team-"
"Damn army at that."
"Eddie. Please," He continued, taking the pack from Robin's fingers. "I'm just going to be fucking terrible at it."
"Steve, those damn kids love you," she supplied, taking his wrist in her hand, presumably to check his vitals. "You run your own babysitting service practically, and you're amazing at it, hey, you might get your ass kicked every now and then, but they're all alive."
"Not helping," he winced, snatching his wrist from her. Eddie leaned forward in his chair, handing a lit cigarette towards the younger man. Steve would normally complain about him smoking indoors, but for right now, it was everything he needed.
"She's right, Steve," he said, watching as Steve took a long drag, shoulders relaxing at the hit. "Those kids will swear up and down that you're the best god damn thing to happen to them, whether you like it or not. You're made for this."
Steve shook his head, coughing as the hit went down the wrong pipe. "No, no, no. Man, I couldn't even get into college, and here I am, working at a movie store, with twins! Twins! Two babies! On their way!"
Eddie laughed at his urgency, reclining as he looked up at the ceiling of the Harrington home. He took a look around, humming as he found it spacious.
"I think a crib will fit perfectly right there," he pointed towards a corner, closing one eye as he envisioned it. Steve whined, sinking into the couch even further.
"My dad's going to kill me," he muttered, putting the palms of his hands over his eyes. He was never a religious man, but in this moment, he felt God in his presence. "Fuck, what if I'm like my dad? I'm going to be so shit at this, she's gonna leave me. Oh my God, I'm going to be a single dad."
"Steve!" Robin grabbed his shoulders, shaking them as he lolled his head to look at her. "Snap out of it, okay?"
Steve nodded, his bottom lip jutting out as he moped. His eyes were wide, watering slightly as he envisioned the next few months, no years, decades of his life changing.
"You're going to be the best god damn dad out there, alright? You may be a Harrington, but you're not gonna be like him," Robin held eye contact, sincere as she pressed a hand to his chest. "She loves you. You love her. The two of you are like a match made in heaven."
Eddie hummed in agreement, turning so his feet hung off the side of the lounge chair. "Or hell, if you want to look at it like that."
Robin cut him a look, gaze firm.
"Okay fine, you're made for each other, alright? There couldn't be a better duo than the two of you, and you'd need to be completely senseless to not see that," he reached out, fingers spread as he expected the cigarette back. "Trust me when I say, I think you're going to be perfect at this. You may think it's the wrong timing, but I mean, it happened for a reason."
Steve nodded, looking in between the two of them. He began to feel hopeful, figuring his two friends wouldn't lead him astray when it came to this.
"What if I am bad at it though? Even if I try?" His voice was small, fear etched into it. Robin placed a hand on his knee, squeezing lightly.
"No one's good at it, especially for the first time. What matters is trying and just being there," she said, patting at him. "Now get the hell up. Give her a call, apologize for being terrible and leaving her at her house, and make it work, Harrington."
Steve looked towards Eddie, who smiled and nodded as he agreed. Slowly standing up, he felt less shaky in his movements, redeveloping the muscle he felt he had lost earlier.
Eddie gave a toothy grin as Steve crossed the room, giddy in his steps as he made his way towards the house phone. "Just wrap it up next time, Harrington."
"Eddie!"
Masterlist! Inbox and requests are open! <3
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topaztimes · 9 days
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Hi this is a vent post! Continue scrolling if you'd rather not see that
#Giving time...#Still more time...#Wouldn't want to plague any previews#Maybe another filler. Just for some fun#Is this enough?#It certainly is now#Alright start:#I'm so bored. I am so incredibly; intrinsically; entirely bored. I have been taught the same thing for four years straight#'It's only four years!' that's literally a quarter of my lifetime right there. My formative years are being spent stressed and in a state /#/of constant self-loathing#I was watching a YT video and the phrase 'attention-starved STEM major' came up and I was like. Yea#What am I even working towards? The hope that my version of capitalist hell isn't as bad as everyone else's? I'm just so sick of not /#/having a stable future what with politics and normal working people becoming more and more oppressed#I don't want to work and that's not because I'm lazy. It's because my brain is recognising that there is no reward anymore#I used to have such a little spark in Yr7. I remember having things to say and wanting to share everything I've done#I still do that now; sure I do. I don't enjoy it though#I thought I liked drawing but I'm realising that all I really like is the attention. I COULD draw things I like drawing... but then I /#/ don't get attention which my mind then classifies as zero reward#I'm very tired of doing things for no credit; reward; or validation. This is becoming a theme#Then I wonder what I'm doing wrong. What part of the algorithm am I not hitting. Then I realise that I'm just not marketable in a way#God. I'm seriously breaking rn. It's not even only because of GCSEs#It's just a culmination of doing all these things to be told that I am unworthy of Having as a result. It doesn't matter if I'm smart; my /#/ parents still don't own their house and can't afford to pay for heating most days#Literally what am I doing this for#And then I realise that all of this is ALSO attention-seeking behaviour! I'm my own worst problem; I recognise exactly what's wrong with /#/ myself but the body wants what it wants. And what it wants is validation that I'm not going to get in this life#Hi guys! Maybe don't interact. That could fix me#Wean me off of needing virtual numbers just to feel something. Jesus#I can't even be happy with the things that I make for myself. Because I make nothing for myself anymore#It's just a whole sad existence of an expected 12hr+ of school every day until I get a job I guess. Then it's 12hr+ of job every day until
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i am once again writing fanfic on new years eve
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buppypuppy · 5 months
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#vent post essay ahead lol#having complexes about talking about your emotions is literally the fucking devil . its miserable. it sucks so bad.#the aamount of damage that is caused to someone by like#i mean im talking abou t me here obviously.#being the person whose like. overall ultimately tends not to feel horrible as often is like.#it's nice not feeling bad emotionally all the time but also it's like. i develop this complex about being like able to help.#i don't feel bad anywhere near as often as my friends so i can help them out and listen to them vent i can have the mental room to#like listen to them talk about their problems. yeah. but it makes me feel like. well this is my job now so i shouldn't fucking talk about m#i shouldnt vent when i feel bad because that's not what i'm known for. plus my friends already all feel worse than me more often than me. s#i don't want to dump any more on their plate than they have to deal with. i don't want to burden them anymore than i have to. and like it's#it's hard. i hate fucking talking about it and it's made so much worse when its like people i love . always been a fucking problem becaus#i just feel fucking horrible admitting that i feel bad i hate that so much. i don't want to like turn away people who care about me but li#i feel like if i tell them what's wrong with me i'll like do it anyways. i feel like i come off as super normal and happy go lucky and like#ostensibly fine. so when i admit this shit its like. oops the facade is cracking!!!!!! uh oh uh oh you can't help people so you feel bad!!!#because your fucking npd has made you feel self centered in a way that means you want to help people or some shit i dont fucking know#and so when i feel bad or get mad over something unreasonable it's like. well i hope i fucking keel over and die or something i dont like .#i don't want people seeing me like this or whatever. and my stupid fucking personality disorder just ruins every god damn thing its so bad.#my past experiences giving me complexes that lead to me feeling fucking left out over like small stupid stuff but god the worst part is lik#my brain categorizing something as being ''My Thing'' so somebody else talks about liking my thing AFTER my brain has designated it mine#makes alarm bells go off and feel like theyre fucking. i don't know encroaaching on my turf or what the fuck ever? it SUCKS ASS#it makes me feel HORRIBLE . and it's like i'm not gonna fucking bring it up because i don't wnt to be like a dick but also it's like well.#i feel fucking miserable about this but it's just like mean and unnecessary and cruel to like stifle people's fucking fun because of my dum#fuckin complexes. it's fucking constant. like oh look at you girl you feel fucking left out because you never get characters who really gri#you mentally and so now you have one but oops! someone else talked about them and now you're seeing red! you like this person though#so you're gonna feel fucking MISERABLE about this . you're gonna feel HORRIBLE because of this. and there's nothing you can fucking do#and it controls my goddamn life and i HATE IT i fucking HATE IT i wish i knew how to fix it. ghghrgurghrughruhg i want to fucking explode#and then you feel bad about feeling bad because you are fucking sisyphus. you're sisyphus. and your own anger is your boulder. you ingrate.#i hate this. i just wanted to have a good day.#jane mary cry one tear
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