#honestly was a hugely radicalizing moment

[butchmartyr]

remember when people were seeing trans girls call themselves girls while being adults a few years back and started to unironically say shit about them fetishizing or tokenizing childhood to paint them as shitty? despite this happening in the wake of and at the same time as the whole uwu soft cinnamon trans boi thing and yet nobody called those dudes pedos or anything? just think that’s interesting. be kind to tgirls

edit: this post isn’t saying trans men don’t experience oppression nor is it blaming anything on them. one side of the coin is hypersexualization and pedojacketing (and more), which I’m talking about here, and the other side is infantilization (and more). do better cmon why assume a random trans woman is against you

#honestly was a hugely radicalizing moment #was a significant part of my developing view of transmisogyny #also not super related. but man huge F to when that soft trans boy vibe escaped containment #and ppl started being silly at random tboys. that was a bummer #mine #transmisogyny #*by silly im being sarcastic and mean gross and weird

[lobotomizedlady]

Rant

honestly...I'm SO tired of being stuck between other jews who genuinely think there's nothing wrong with what the israeli government is doing, and pro palestine american leftists who act like absolute ghouls to random jews in the name of their cause & spread literal antisemitism and misinformation constantly. why can't anyone be fucking NORMAL about this or anything else! where is the nuance? why can't we come to an agreement even on the most basic shit, like "hm maybe civilians don't deserve to die for their governments actions?" but no, apparently that makes you a genocidal fascist even if the whole point is being AGAINST genocide no matter what.

my uncle gets kicked out of his synagogue he's been a member of for 3 decades for criticizing the IDF. I get called a nazi by fellow jews for saying we need a ceasefire, then called a nazi by fellow leftists for saying hamas & the houthi are also awful (for palestinians too). the israeli govt says death to all palestinians, they're all terrorists, there's no Innocent civilians even the children. Hamas says death to all jews, they're a scourge on the planet, and leftists clap along, say there's no innocent civilians in israel. the power division is of course hugely skewed in favor of israel, and the death toll is massively disproportionate, so I spend a lot of time talking about that-but seeing other people who believe in this cause being straight up antisemitic is so depressing.

everyone seems to have forgotten that most people are the same. no matter where they're born they just want to live their lives and feel like their loved ones are safe. if you're incapable of having empathy without seeing yourself in their position, try to imagine if people started attacking random americans for the actions of our demented leaders. we /voted/, after all, so that means it's totally fine if someone bombs a city or start stabbing and shooting people who have nothing to do with the conflict! it's fine to rape women and it's fine to blow up babies and alls fair in war and and and.

It's really for me to see just how easily people get radicalized into justifying atrocities. i see how islamic jihad organizations use the bombing of their people to recruit young men into committing acts of terror, and it's easy to see how the israeli government uses the holocaust and the very real spectre of rising antisemitism in the world to make their people think the only way for them to survive is to create a highly militarized state and defend it at all costs, even if that cost is tens of thousands of innocent human lives.

like it's not as if I didn't realize all this before but it's just particularly bleak at the moment. it's insane. it's demented. I hate humanity so much rn in particular the war mongering men who drive every single one of these conflicts (you didn't think I was going to overlook the fact that it's men doing this, did you?) they're so fucking bloodthirsty. every war on earth has involved the mass rape, torture and slaughter of women and girls from the "enemy" population. and then men tell us they're the only ones suffering in war because they're the soldiers, totally ignoring how civilians pay the price of conflicts they didn't even participate in.

all of it is just weighing on me particularly hard today. I hate living in a man's world. all they're good at is destruction. I don't want to keep seeing the planet be torn up for the sake of their greed and I don't want to be forced to suffer the consequences of their lack of humanity. even female separation isn't enough while we have to share our world with them.

#i am in a really gloomy mood about all this

[nevermeyers]

I don't know if this opinion is something "radical", but here goes. I wish TR was a seinen.

[there aren't spoilers here or anything related to the leaks, don't worry + this is just an opinion, if you don't wanna see this just keep scrolling]

I wish it, because it would have given us a deeper exploration of the obscurity of gangs, youthful drug use*, sexual violence**, prostitution*** and the yakuza clans****. I wish it was darker. That doesn't mean it can't have a happy ending ofc!

* haruchiyo. I have the hc that he threw himself into drugs 1) because of the environment in which he moved, because when someone close consumes there is a probability that you will also do so and 2) because having memories of another timeline was unbearable for him

** remember the raped girl in the arch of moebius? or would senju ever be harassed? What about Yuzuha?

*** it only gives us hints about the prostitutes with the first meeting of draken and mitsuya, where mitsuya and one of the girls talk

**** Wakui respected the typical pyramidal structure of a mafia, with its leadership leadership, in the Bonten arc. It was very interesting to see

I only know that if TR had been a seinen the treatment towards certain moments would have been very different and all those shonen clichés (like in these last chapters where they left aside the importance of all the characters just to highlight the relationship between Takemichi and Manjiro) would disappear, leaving a much larger and emotionally stronger work.

If it had been a seinen, the work wouldn't have been directed by and to sell copies. I mean, yeah, it's an industry that only seeks money, but the exploitation of the shonen genre is much greater than the seinen genre, or it gives me that impression.

For example, shonen usually have protagonists of adolescent ages so that the viewer feels identified. We see this in TR with characters who clearly don't act their age.

(I'm just referring to their way of dealing with that environment and making some decisions. Let's remember that there are actually teenagers involved in gangs and if you deny that it's because you probably live in a enough privileged place not to open the news and see they have stabbed a fourteen year old boy)

Shonen are aimed at young audiences who consume and quickly forget. Shonen must satisfy the huge needs of these teenagers, either with fanservice or putting the usual clichés because they know they work.

Things in seinen are much more serious and don't usually focus on constantly pleasing the audience.

If TR was a seinen he probably wouldn't have been as famous as he is, maybe it wouldn't even have had an anime. But, maybe then his ending wouldn't have been so rushed and Wakui would have been able to explore all the hints he gave us throughout the series that things are much bigger than they seem (example: hanma's role in the history + fix the plot holes).

Also, Wakui is an author used to writing seinen. If I'm not mistaken, this is his first shonen and it's just where his narrative (specifically at the end of the story) has weakened. I'm convinced that it's not his fault, because he had been doing great until then.

With this I do not intend to detract from his work! TR is great and I will always appreciate his work. It is my favorite manga precisely because of the things it has made me feel (let's say that my favorites are measured more by the sensations than by the plots, lmao) and its characters feel unique and real.

I'm honestly not mad at this ending. I just think it could have been handled in a much better way, because that's what TR deserves.

On the other hand it makes me be in conflict with myself. I look at the characters and think they're not the same, because they have not lived everything they lived in the other timeline. And all of a sudden I say to myself "wait, are you wishing someone went through trauma just to satisfy you?" it's so strange :')

I have to say that the S62 are the most similar characters to the other timeline. Look at those smiles of enjoying the cruelty hehe I love them

So I'm just saying that maybe it would have been more coherent being a seinen and of course maybe Wakui would have felt more comfortable writing it, since that's what he's used to

He has worked very hard, he himself has said this year that he has had his first week off in a long time, and that he suffers from kidney pain (magazine comments). He deserves all the love and respect.

I don't think any of you like it when a job you've put hours into is detracted just because of its ending. So always remember to say things with respect!

Take care <3

#tokyo revengers #tokyo revengers spoilers #@meyers #ken wakui #—meyers»talks🌸

[qqueenofhades]

Watching the evolution of the Biden administration is honestly sad tbh. He began with his whole bipartisan schtick, trying to play buddy with the Republicans, and was very much like, "Trump is gone now we can all be friends!!!" And then after he eventually came to the sad understanding that they've all been way to radicalized, now he's like "screw the MAGA crowd. Here's some student loan debt relief and btw marijuana offenses are being pardoned." Like the guy was forced left by the maga.

I mean, why is it sad? He wasn't wrong to hope that the Republicans would decide to un-crazy themselves (unrealistic, perhaps, but still). Biden is a career politician who has worked in Washington and with both parties for almost 50 years, and he knows that this current climate of frothing fascist hate and violence is neither normal or admirable. Of course he wanted to pull back on it, for the sake of the country, but when that proved impossible, he was willing to adapt, to change his tactics, and become much more willing to go it alone. See his promise that if Dems hold the House and get 2 more senators to overcome the odious Manchin and Sinema, the first thing he will do is push for a nationwide restoration of abortion protections, and that is the first bill he will sign. That means that he is willing to say not only "fuck you SCOTUS," but "we will get rid of the filibuster and pass it that way, with only Democratic support." Because it is sure as hell not going to get a single Republican vote, so once Manchin/Sinema are out of the way and can't play their stupid games, we would be in business.

Biden has likewise promised to reintroduce a national assault weapons ban, which would likewise be HUGE, and in both cases, these are not small-time, creep-around-the-edges measures. I mean, don't we all want him to keep moving left, rather than stubbornly continuing to pretend that it's possible to govern from a place of milquetoast moderate centrism? It's admirable that a 79-year-old white guy from Delaware has in fact been willing to go "fuck the Republicans, they're crazy so I guess it's time for Full Dark Brandon" as quickly as he has. That, in my opinion, is a good thing and should be encouraged, not sad. Sad because they're crazy and dangerous, yes, but at least Biden seems to finally grasp the full urgency of the moment and be willing to take all measures to meet it, including the ones that he himself previously considered to be off the table.

#anonymous #ask #politics for ts

[northsealight]

Hey, when you said RHATO Jason is the worst version on your last ask, were you referring to the first comic, second comic, or the Webtoon? (Honestly annoyed the Webtoon took that name, makes things even more confusing)

I have problems with all 3 (Webtoon most of all for sure, with the second and first switching places behind it based on what characters or plots I’m thinking about tbh), but I was just curious haha

oh. oh. oh you're not ready for this. I've been trying this entire week to find a good time to air out my thoughts:

so! in my opinion (again, this is not shaming anyone for liking what they like! if you happen to like RHATO!jason all the more power to you! dont read this!) all three reiterations of RHATO!Jason .. are not great. the one I think might have potential to be salvaged is the second one with Artemis and bizarro! (although roy harper is in my heart of hearts)

the way Jason is written in rhato... the rhato written by Scott Lobdell anyway, (who is actually a sexual predator and when you start to think even a LITTLE about how the women are written in RHATO makes so much sense) portrays Jason as yet another cookie cutter anti-hero-deadpool-esque personality who's mainly confined by the narrative restraints of his character.

I say this because hes so.... the way he goes about his vigilantism is so .. shallow. It's like the narrative is finding excuses to make him violent so the reader can be stimulated with Michale Bay explosions lol. You hardly see any stories in there where Jason is an actual champion for the people, and you hardly see his background as a street kid come into play... its like... he became... a vigilante because....he knows how the system can fail those... alienated and forgotten by those sworn to protect them... and thus channels his energy into said people through acts of radical protection... (also because the whole bruce thing yeah I know)

I keep thinking about injustice!Jason's monologue where he literally says something along the lines of "while bruce and clark were fighting I fought for the people who were being caught up in the whole thing" like if that doesn't just tell you who he is idk what will! and sure, injustice isn't Jason source material, so look at under the red hood! he literally becomes a drug kingpin TO CONTROL crime ... and then instead of getting these immense shows of care he has for the community in RHATO, we get panels like this:

like ok get it I guess 😭😭😭😭

this is the new and improved Jason!! he's suave.. hes American... he's... just like every other antihero now!!

I don't know how to explain it without sounding like an idiot- best bet is to read the comics yourself to kinda get what im saying! but even rebirth Jason is (kind of) getting what RHATO Jason doesn't-- he's a product of his huge heart. rebirth Jason has countless stories where we see how Jason ACTUALLY operates as red hood, and what his symbol means to the citizens of Gotham!

if you pour too much grit and "edginess" into Jason, then you kind of miss what he's all about- he can still be silly and sarcastic! in fact, one of my favorite Jason moments is from red hood: lost days, a series where he's portrayed as an edgy, "misfit" ruffian:

like. hello this is hilarious. and we can still have moments like these while balancing his emotional range as a vigilante that's motivated by his big fat heart! (ignoring the fact that he slept with Talia in the next issue 😭 Jason fans can't have shit 😭)

but anyway! ill likely add more when I'm not feeling so tired, but god!! is it so hard to show Jason's propensity for kindness!! is it so hard to realize that his character to the core is revolved around a deep understanding for others based on personal experience!!

there's a reason why DC (in the rare moments when they know what to do with his character) always writes stories with Jason consoling children, or Jason being good with kids in dangerous situations!

it's because he's been there before. he's felt the grief and confusion of being helpless in a situation of his control. he's felt the consequences of adults who were supposed to protect and raise him! he's been killed for daring to cling on to the notion of trust even after all he's been through!

and I don't know, I think his dedication to the people, children especially, is his way of forgiving himself- his way of telling little Jason that it wasn't his fault.

#I went a little crazy midway through but I hope this answers your q! #and I hope it makes sense. I swear im more coherent when I have my thoughts together #the last panel actually makes me sob god above what the hell is that and why are my eyes sweating #Jason robin :((((( #Jason todd #vee's soapbox #asks #thank you for the question btw!! I love answering qs like this #batman #red hood and the outlaws #under the red hood #red hood lost days #red hood

[system-of-a-feather]

Also a lil more elaboration on this post from the OG guy in the system who talks this shit but it's also important to know when adopting radical self acceptance is that being a fucking idiot and a coward and crap literally has no inherent "oh Im a good or bad or cool or lame" person on it's own

Literally everyone is stupid in their own way and literally everyone has the things they are scared to deal with and face from time to time. I'm a part very dissociated from the concept of fear and my brain converts it fast to other shit, but I do fear letting myself down - both as a part and as a part ofba system - and doing harm by the few I deeply respect; momentarily I am prone to being scared of having my shit taken - trauma crap

That shits literally normal, being scared of shit is literally a completely normal and natural thing across almost all animal species (some argue all). There is no personal judgement attached to literally any feeling on its own.

The difference is whether you can look at that feeling and say "damn I'm scared and that a sucks ass feeling" and actually accept, address and deal with that feeling - or if you are going to deny-deny-deny.

And that isn't to say "Oh you are a stupid coward for wanting to deny it" because again, it is OK to admit you are scared and not ready to deal with something. That takes huge fucking balls to admit. If you aren't ready to deal with it, cool man that's fine, but do take a moment to actually affirm that with yourself - that CURRENTLY in the moment you are not ready to deal with it.

That is not "running away from it like a coward" that is acknowledging the truth of your current state and leaving space for it.

If you can get comfortable admitting that you are too scared to do something right now, you are inherently - in subtext - letting yourself know that 1) you accept that you are scared and it is a real thing about you that you are willing to embrace but also 2) that as much as that is a truth of your current state, that it is just that - a current state.

There literally is no shame or inherent judgement to be found in a feeling alone. Feelings alone don't mean shit. Feelings alone LITERALLY don't mean SHIT. It's how you handle and act in regards to them both internallyvwith yourself and externally with others that determines if you are being cringe (derogatory) or cringe (affectionate) and sorry not sorry, every action you do there will be someone who thinks you are cringe so theres no escaping being cringe WHILE being your authentic self.

Anyways, building radical self acceptance is a hard thing to do so I got mad respects for anyone building it. Most of the system doesn't get it yet either and so I get how hard it is and all.

I actively basically bully and harrass Riku about it 24/7 7 days a week 52 weeks a year for the past 3 years until they get it into their dumb skull. And while I call them a fuckin dumbass, I am pretty proud of how casually and readily they have learned to admit when they are being "a coward" which is easier verbage for them than outright saying "scared" which I'll take.

But honestly, get in touch with your vulnerable "not cool" parts of yourself that you are embarrassed about and just get used to stating it as it is. Those vulnerable and embarrassing aspects are only as embarrassing and insecure as you let them be. If you hide them and try to keep people from seeing it, of course you are going to feel scared to let others see it, of course you are going to feel insecure, and of course you aren't going to be confident when anything relating that comes up out of fear of your insecurity showing.

It's self assassination honestly. Judging your emotions and internal experiences like they mean anything other than a reflection of your current self and what you need us just not productive.

But I digress. Its a complicated and difficult thing to build and work on and itll always be more nuanced and specific to the individual than I can ever chart out in a casual ramble on some of my life philosophies and principles on shit.

So take home message? Try to stop judging your feelings and just, ya know, have them. They may suck but its just how it is in the moment and the moment can always change.

#alter: xiv #ramble #xiv rambles #emotional processing #ep rambles #yeah im an ep #recovery #healing #radical self love #radical self acceptance

[veeranger]

Vee’s Steam Summer Sale 2023 Recommendations

as always these are just personal opinions etc etc please look up some real reviews before buying a game if you aren’t sure and remember that steam will give you a full refund if you have less than 2 hours played in under 2 weeks.

im going to try to recc stuff i havent shilled every 6 months for the last 5 years but the VNs are going to be the same as always honestly

Fighting Games

Guilty Gear -Strive- Ultimate Edition 2022 ($55.99)

yes im specifically saying buy ultimate edition because it has all the dlc as of this writing. buy the base version if you want but i hate playing fighting games with incomplete rosters.

anyway this is my favorite fighting game, bar none. this is the game that after years of screwing around on a bunch of other games finally got me to really want to get better and actually play against other people. there’s a super active playerbase and at least another year of support from arcsys on the way. the best time to start playing strive was a year ago but the second best time is right now.

Idol Showdown (Free)

yes im shilling a free game here. idol showdown is a good fighting game and the result of like three years of hard work from a small team. try it out and give them some love

Nitroplus Blasterz: Heroines Infinite Duel ($4.99)

this is not a good game but it is a funny game. saber is in it.

Narrative Games

AI: The Somnium Files - $7.99

one of the finest mystery games you can play imo. maybe uchikoshi’s best work. a perfect blend of mystery, character, and style. every character and conversation is compelling in its own way and every little thing builds up to the huge moments which makes them all feel totally earned. as always uchikoshi is a genius in the way he blends his signature branching timeline style with the themes and core concepts of the game. the twists and turns this game goes down are so crazy that weeks later you’ll still be realizing how all the little things you thought were just quirks were actually foreshadowing. cannot recc this enough tbh.

Zero Escape: The Nonary Games - $11.99

another uchikoshi joint, also extremely good. ive only finished 999, the first game in this collection, but i can recc it just based on the strength of that alone. whereas somnium is a murder mystery, 999 is a visual novel about being trapped in a murder game interspliced with escape room segments. whatever you think you know you dont, 999 will take you down so many twists and turns you’ll be fucking dizzy when you’re done with it. big recc.

VA-11 HALL-A: Cyberpunk Bartender Action - $10.04

i could probably talk about this game for as long as the others, even though its way way less complex. va-11 hall-a doesnt have a huge sweeping story with insane twists and massive reveals, but what it does have is an extremely personal narrative about loss, healing, and just living your life the best way you can in a horrible dystopian world. the cast of characters feel utterly real and you learn about the world they inhabit through interactions with them, rather than being infodumped by exposition. everyone has their own story and everyone is just trying to get by, including you. one of the best small scale personal narrative games ive ever played.

Night In The Woods - $9.99

another vn i would consider “small scale” but equally as impactful. nitw is a story about a disillusioned and struggling college drop out returning to her economically declining home town. nobody is secure, nobody is happy, everyone is suffering through their daily lives. you follow mae as she struggled to readjust to her childhood home and the people she left behind. until something happens that changes her priorities radically. all ill say. despite how i just made it sound, nitw is not all depressing. theres lighthearted moments and wacky days to cut through the bleak fog, as well as genuinely heartfelt moments that feel very earned. nitw is a game i think that everyone struggling through their 20s should play.

Grim Fandango Remastered ($3.79)

i know this is an old school adventure game and you might yell at me for sort of grouping it in with the VNs but i dont care. its a classic, its a beautiful game, everyone should play it. its old, it controls like shit, the puzzles are obtuse, but the experience is wonderful and memorable. its cheap as hell just go for it.

Action

Assault Spy ($4.99)

this goofy ass game is fun as hell. its a very dmc style character action with upgrades and moves to buy, and it actually has a pretty goddamn good mechanical system in place. the gameplay loop rules. only warning is this is not well optimized so watch your computer doesnt explode.

Marvel’s Spider-Man Remastered ($40.19)

i shouldn’t even have to shill. a must play for any spider-man fan. one the best spider-man stories ever hands down. such an incredible experience seriously. i cant even say enough here, if you haven’t played this yet you should do it asap.

Marvel’s Spider-Man: Miles Morales ($33.49)

everything i just said for the first game goes here too. a MUST play for miles morales fans. the combat is even better than the first too. you won’t regret playing this trust me.

Marvel’s Avengers - The Definitive Edition ($5.99)

no i’m not joking. ok well i kind of am but this game is getting delisted in september. it is an unforgivably mid piece of shit but if you have an interest in game preservation or playing something so bad they’re killing it forever, well here it is. they made all the microtransactions free btw.

Others

Tinykin ($13.75)

its like pikmin but its legally distinct! i like this game a lot, it has a very cute art style and its got easy to enjoy gameplay. i find it very relaxing. there’s a demo.

System Shock 2 ($2.49)

i will never stop shilling this game. fucking play it. its a cornerstone of video games. one of the most influential pieces ever put to pixel. you owe it to yourself to experience this if you feel any interest in it. maybe read a guide though its unforgiving if you screw around with your build.

Dead Space [2023] ($41.99)

exceptionally good. i dont have to shill the old shitty pc port of the original anymore. an A+ remake, i think it improves on the original in every conceivable way.

Bloodstained: Ritual of the Night ($11.99)

such a goddamn good metroidvania. its almost like the platonic ideal of a castlevania game. a true spiritual successor to SOTN. this isnt your dime a dozen soulslike vania, this is a true vania game in the best original style made by basically one of the core founders of the genre.

STAR WARS™ Knights of the Old Republic™ II - The Sith Lords™ ($3.49)

its a fuckin classic rpg. one of the best of the era. get it on pc so you can get that extended content mod they promised to import to the console version and then cancelled.

Save Room - Organization Puzzle ($2.09)

this is just a cute puzzle game. i like it.

#veepost

[sophsicle]

You are way too nice to Death Eaters. Honestly you should probably check on that. Like, canonically both Blaise and Pansy didn't take the Mark but were supportive of Voldemort's side and benefited from the blood purity thing and in your posts it's always "There's two sides to every story," and "Everyone has a different perspective," which is right! But one of these side is very much the Wrong Side and I'm not sure you see it clearly. (This isn't an attack, I love your fanfic very much but it's a genuine concern.)

So,

The point of saying that there are different perspectives is not to say that therefore everyone's actions are justified. It is to suggest that most situations are far more complex than we give them credit for, that it is incorrect to believe that your reality and my reality are identical. That is what is interesting about exploring a story from multiple perspectives, you get to see how it changes based on everyone's personal view of the world. That doesn't mean no one can ever be held accountable for anything. It simply complicates traditional narratives which usually have a singular voice (a protagonist) telling the story. The whole point of hlayk (where Blaise, Pansy and Draco are concerned) is to take a group of children who were raised in a bigoted environment, and in the middle of a war, and show them as adults, several years after that, trying to come to terms with what happened to them and what they did.

Like:

It was stupid of him to think they could make this work. Stupid of him to think that George would be able to forgive him. Most days he can’t forgive himself. How had he gotten sucked in? Why hadn’t he seen it sooner? The darkness, the violence, the hurt. Why hadn’t he stopped Theo? Or Draco? He had stood by and watched the people around him destroy themselves. Stood by and allowed himself to be destroyed. And he can say that he’d been young but so had George. So had Harry. So had Ron. And yet they managed to figure it out. To this day Blaise can’t come up with a satisfying answer to the question of why. Why his first instinct hadn’t been goodness and kindness and bravery. Why those seem to be things he has to work on, build up to. Why. Why. Why.

I am very much trying to deal with what they did. This whole story is about grief and healing and Blaise and Draco and Pansy trying to figure out how to live with themselves, is a huge part of that.

While on the topic of things I'm trying to do with this story. Another big part of this, is looking at the ways in which men specifically are radicalized. The ways that traditional conceptions of masculinity make men more susceptible to this kind of fascist rhetoric / thinking. Blaise, Draco and Theo are three boys all struggling with what it means to be "a man" and they're doing so in this very politically charged context. "Manliness" is presented to them, as it is presented to many people, as being about domination. You are the strongest. The biggest. The loudest. The most important. People serve you. You'll notice that, if you look at propaganda for things like empire (in the British imperial sense) the language is very "masculine". Colonizing people is a very "manly" thing to do, it will help you realize your full "manly" potential etc. etc. etc. Blaise's chapter in this fic deals a lot with the ways that these boys get sucked into this extremist group in an attempt to prove that they are "men". Another reason that I like to have different POVs is that I don't really believe in redemption arcs in the sense that, I don't think redemption is something universal, I think individuals decide whether or not someone can be redeemed. There is a moment in this latest chapter where Hermione and Draco have a conversation and he is repenting and he's changed etc. etc. and she's like "dope, sick, love that for you, but I don't forgive you" and he accepts that. Different people, in different positions, with different life experiences, will be able to forgive different things. However, not a single person in this story doesn't think that the Death Eaters were bad. I feel like maybe that also needs to be cleared up. Like I am not, nor have I ever, presented the Death Eaters as anything but morally reprehensible. All I have tried to do is show that the ways people (especially children) get sucked into these things can be very complex. And that, I do believe, that we have to allow people to grow. That we have to allow people the space to say "I did the wrong thing and I now recognize it was the wrong thing and I would very much like to stop doing it" because otherwise what is the point? Like literally what is the point. Blaise says some horrible shit when he's sixteen (hlayk is not canon compliant BUT if it was) and then he just never gets to grow from that? He doesn't get to try to be better? He's just stuck? Like what does that achieve? How is that good for anybody? For what it's worth, I do try very hard not to engage with serious subject matter carelessly.

#soph rambles #hlayk

[yourdyingwish]

Which like, I think it's awesome that the band is doing this. Their no-show approach to press is so revealing of how people completely scramble and scratch their heads and write little useless clickfarm articles when something isn't summarized for them or part of a media cycle which involves planting a story, causing a stir, and then responding to that stir publicly through another planted story. And what's funniest is that what they're doing isn't hugely radical! It's a lot of homegrown, genuinely wonderful costumes and performance moments, deep cuts for the fans and a very visible difference on a comeback tour...it shouldn't be THAT hard to talk about! But it IS! It's honestly incredible the extent to which it is apparently hard for people to just pull threads together. I don't think fans need to be writing reviews and not every review needs to be a social commentary masterpiece, but making some basic interpretive moves about what the scale of this tour means, what MCR is doing for the entire genre of bands associated with them right now, the sheer scale of it and who their fanbase is...it shouldn't be hard bro

[not-poignant]

Hi, Pia

I just read chapter 28 'Strange and Lonely' of UtB and got curious about the omega rights that exist in this world. Would you mind listing some of the rights omegas have in Australia in this universe? And are there countries where they don't have these rights? Or countries where omegas have even *more* rights than where UtB takes place?

And also Gary says that Temsen became 'radicalised' after what he'd seen while studying overseas. Does Gary really think Temsens views are radical or was that just a word he used in the moment?

Thanks!

Hi anon!

Some of this stuff I don't know the full answer to (winging the story), some of it will be revealed in the story, but here's some bits and pieces!

Would you mind listing some of the rights omegas have in Australia in this universe?

I don't know them all because honestly I can't keep every single legal right that humans have in my brain so I don't know how I could do that for omegas, but generally speaking omegas in Australia have:

A right to education (conditional) A right to life (conditional - if no birth certificate is recorded, a right to life can be legally circumvented -> problematic because omegas have their own birth register, and many omegas births still aren't recorded at all) A right to freedom from medical experimentation and unusual acts of cruelty or inhuman acts (this includes conditional freedom from being imprisoned and raped in a fraternity house, but not freedom from being imprisoned and raped in an omega rehabilitation centre) A right to health (conditional) A right to a fair trial (conditional) A right to work (conditional) A right to protection from violence from strangers (conditional)

(I'm putting conditional next to all of these, because many of these rights have loopholes that can often be utilised by alphas and betas, especially in the case of spouses and families, and these are the people normally controlling an omegas life in the first place. For example, if a family causes an omega to be sick, that omega has no right to take their family to court.)

They do not have rights to:

Vote (hugely contested, but as omegas are such a tiny portion of the population and don't get much support, this is slow going. Alphas can of course vote, despite also being a tiny proportion of the population, lmao) Freedom from discrimination based on being omega Protection from violence (inc rape) from family or partners

Australia is considered one of the better places in the world for an omega, about on par with with UK, and ahead of places like the USA. However there are many countries that offer better rights and protections to omegas, but I couldn't tell you what they are, because I don't know! I just know they exist, lol. One of them is Switzerland, based on the fact that Gary and James went to do a conference there on omega psychology and rights.

But! Any of this could change depending on how the story goes. Winging it means the story decides how it progresses, in a way, so if one of these becomes inconvenient to me and I haven't established it in the story, I will ditch it lmao.

Does Gary really think Temsens views are radical or was that just a word he used in the moment?

Temsen's views really are radical. Just because Gary shares many of them, doesn't make them any less so. Hillview is a place that practices pretty radical omega theory and acceptance, and has to kind of hide that it does that because it goes counter to the global culture in general.

There's very few people in the world for example who would agree with Temsen's approach to Efnisien. Temsen asking Efnisien if he wants an alpha in the room with him instead of giving the alpha the choice is unusual and generally not done. Temsen seeking even some consent is not something many doctors do. Temsen embodies a more ethical practice (overall, not always though) towards omegas and in his viewpoints towards omegas. Gary agrees in theory, but he can have a harder time implementing it in practice, because he's still got a lot of internalise issues towards omegas. Everyone at Hillview does, because they live in a society that has taught them to discriminate against omegas, so it's something everyone there is unpacking, including the omegas.

It also makes Hillview challenging, because it tends to turn out more politically aware and educated omegas, and while they're sometimes wanted by their partners who also happen to be activists, it's not generally what omega rehabilitation facilities are meant to do (which is to usually establish the kind of mindbreak where the omega becomes so docile - through repeated rape and forced bonding - that they see complete and total obedience to a partner or family outside of the facility as true freedom).

The world is definitely described / tagged as dystopia for a reason!

#asks and answers #underline the black #fae tales worldbuilding #worldbuilding stuff #dr gary konowalous #ohlo ohlo temsen #temsen is incredibly radical #and if he were too open about some of his viewpoints in some countries #he would be arrested were he not a peak alpha #i would say he's one of very few peak alphas in the world who believes as he does #and he uses his power wisely to intervene in politics #or to mobilise teams to intervene on his behalf in politics #but he has to be very careful which battles he chooses #he can't win them all

[muchtooold2]

I guess what gets me most about the Netflix Persuasion movie is the ... sameness of it. Like, it looks fine. It’s just feels like a flattening of the work into something more cookie cutter? As many people have pointed out, this Anne feels like Bridget Jones, Fleabag, etc. or anything but Anne. Because god forbid we make any historical movie where the main female character is not an Unconventional™ and Spunky™ Girlboss™.  It just feels like they decided to put the meme of Obstinate Headstrong Girl™ in the lead role. Additionally, other “modernizations” the filmmakers added, such as having Anne crying in a bathtub and drinking wine straight from the bottle, do not particularly feel modern—they feel like a tropes that dominated romantic comedies 30 years ago.

Carrie Cracknell says in her Vogue interview: “I think period films often teach you as much about the moment they were made in as they do the moment that they’re replicating, somehow.” And what this movie tells me is that the people who made it saw that Fleabag and Emma (2020) were successful.

I do personally believe that there are plenty of unconventional adaptations of Jane Austen’s works that radically deviate from the text and are still good. The 1999 Mansfield Park is, despite my own dislike of Fanny’s characterization, is a good film and an excellent adaptation that draws focus to the slave trade in a way that is still unique in Jane Austen adaptations (and, honestly, in Regency period dramas in general). I maintain the best Jane Austen adaptations are those that are set in the modern day (The Lizzie Bennet Diaries, Fire Island, Clueless). But these are all adaptations that feel genuinely creative and aren’t just a boiled down version of Fleabag or Bridget Jones’ Diary in period clothes. (I should also note that the fourth wall breaking works in some period adaptations! I think it is delightful in Gentleman Jack!).

I am going to watch it. Primarily because I would like more period dramas with casts that are not all-white and I want more of them created (and ideally this would lead to adaptations of works by nonwhite authors). I hope I will be pleasantly surprised. It won’t be the worst adaptation ever made (1980s Northanger Abbey still holds that title), and if people like it and it gets them into Austen, that’s fine. But I feel like I am allowed to be frustrated over a media trend that treats audiences like they’re incapable of relating to anything that isn’t modern, that tells me only a certain kind of woman in history deserves to be a lead, and is becoming so ubiquitous, especially when it is of a work I love and being done in an adaptation I was looking forward to.

--

I am excited for are Henry Golding and Richard Grant’s portrayals of Mr. Elliot and Sir Walter in this film. Look at the way they describe their characters! They sound like they both had fun and also like...understood their characters.

“For me, the role of Mr. Elliot was just too juicy to say no to—he’s such a naughty, mischievous spanner in the works,“ says Golding of his turn, which gleefully subverts his image as a beloved rom-com heartthrob. “Knowing that you don’t end up with the girl, you can really let loose with it all. He’s such a great character, as you have no idea what he’s thinking or what his motivation is—he just turns on a dime. I was reveling in it.” Elsewhere, Richard E. Grant delivers a deliciously campy scene-stealing performance as Sir Walter, the narcissistic, flamboyant father of Anne. “Sir Walter Elliot is arguably the vainest character in all of literature, so we took that to the hilt and beyond,” says Grant. “It was a huge pleasure playing someone who is so entitled, egocentric, and unaware of anyone else’s feelings.”

#persuasion #jane austen #like i get the urge to defend a diverse austen adaptation #but I feel like many people are allowed to be annoyed this adaptation just is a different main character #like I think it would have been funny to have Anne doing the thing where you have arguments in your head with people #but not say them out loud #idk there's so many ways that this could have been creatively done but it's like...so boring #I am bored of the girlboss

[august-hynes]

Dear Caden,

It's June again. If I've counted correctly, it's the sixth time the month passes since I've spent it on the dirt road behind your house.

It's June again, and the sky is orange above my balcony where I'm growing herbs and tomatoes and carrots and sunflowers, and it's June again and I married someone else. It was a private affair, bureaucratic almost, but at its core honest and self-explanatory. A logical, comfortable thing to do. Now Laurence answers all of her phone calls with am "um," before saying my last name.

To say that I'm happy about this latest, hugest change in my life wouldn't quite be correct. It's more like the feeling when you can match a puzzle piece into an already mostly finished picture, but big. It didn't feel like a relief, or an exhale, but something inevitable, completing. Like everything else would be nonsensical.

I'm not writing this to place a big "but" after it all, I swear. I'm writing this because I think I might be looking for closure, have been for years, and I'm slowly running out of options, so I'm trying to do what the internet tells you to do and write a letter. Groundbreaking in our case, truly. I'm also writing this because I still miss you to the bone. I'm not sure which version of you I am missing, because the truth is that I don't know you anymore, and you don't know me either, and that fact fills me with a huge sense of loss I am honestly not sure that I'll ever get used to. I miss the feeling of sharing stories and experiences and knowing that through all the hardships we were looking out for each other, I miss how seriously we took each other, how creative and inspired and big and loving it all was.

They say that every time you think of a memory, your brain alters it a little bit. Combined with the huge sadness, anger, joy, desperation and nostalgia I've felt about you, I'm not sure what details I think I remember are real anymore, which ones I've heightened and which ones I've forgotten about. But I know that the core of it was real, and that it was big and important. I saved your life and you showed me who I am, and I know that we had a lot of dreams and hope for each other and with each other. I also know that I've tried to mourn all of this for years but still feel like I'm picking at healed skin all the time. And so it felt strange and sad to not send you an invite to my actual wedding party in September, because I think I thought that you would be there. I thought that you would be there, somehow, for things like this, for me finally getting my driver's license and me moving back to the city I come from which took SO much courage, I thought you'd be there for birthdays and us finishing our degrees, in whatever capacity we could figure out. And now, somehow, even after it all, you are not, and that will never not make me devastated to realize in these moments.

I'm not sure if you decided that you can't or don't want to talk to me after all, if it's too strange or painful, if you feel like it's been too long and that I would be angry with you for not responding to me sooner. It's true that it hurt to be met with silence again, especially considering how the past years came to pass without you in the first place. I still wish that you had let me know either way, because like I said, I've been looking for closure for a long time.

I am scared that, worst of all, you perhaps simply don't care as much, and that I'm the only one out of the two of us who has been haunting everything that happened between us, hovering over the past, unable to quite let it go in its unfinished state. Here's where the closure comes in that I've been looking for: I've tried to banish these chapters of story, to embrace them, to make my peace or to find peace despite of or perhaps in the restless feeling the remains left me with. Then, quite recently, I've tried to find a less radical and much sweeter kind of closure, one we could maybe create together. But somehow I still ended up in the same chasm I've been in before, silent, strangely trapped, looking for traces and echos in quiet, sad moments, continuing the haunt.

I'm not sure if you also have the problem of a lack of tangible things to tell yourself that your feelings aren't based on a huge figment of your imagination. I sure do. Laurence has this coffee shop in Basel that makes her think of her ex-boyfriend every time she walks by. It's a fixed feeling, to be expected, even something she can seek out if she wants to. It's tied to a place, traceable. For me, memories and thoughts of you hit me like a freight train. It happens with music and color combinations, I still feel like I meet an improbably large number of people from Colorado. It happens when I don't expect it, but it never happens in a way that is understandable to others. And so, yes, in moments like right now, I sometimes look for it all with a strangely forbidden feeling in my stomach, scrambling for everything I can to tell me that, yes, this really did happen, and it really did shape me as a person as much as I think it did, in all the wonderful and awful ways I am sure you remember.

While I am sure of some of the brilliant parts of what we were together, I am also very sure that other parts weren't what I had wished for our younger selves – not only considering the circumstances and what was happening around us, but also how we were able or unable to accommodate everything that was happening to us. I've long since moved away from the question of who did what wrong or what was whose fault, because I don't think there is much of a point in that. But I am still confronted with at least the share of trauma I was left with, and while it did shape me as a person in important ways, I would hope that as adults, we would try to intervene if we saw something like this happening to someone growing up.

All this to say – I remember it. The details might be hazy, the emotions are still complex and layered, but I am grateful and sad, and no matter what happens, I think that time in my life left a truly indelible mark on me.

Here's another attempt at closing out: I'm not waiting for your answer anymore. If you do want to reach out after all, you are welcome to do so, but if you aren't, I am no longer hovering with my hands over the keyboard, no longer waiting to be called back. I am trying to exhale, to lose the tension in my shoulders, and go somewhere this part of me can rest up instead. You are welcome there any time you like.

In any case, I wish you well. I would like to say thank you, and if you haven't yet, I think it is time to forgive each other and ourselves.

Love, always, wherever.

[jdgo51]

In Our Hard Times

Today's inspiration comes from:

Turn My Mourning Into Dancing

by Henri Nouwen

"'If God is found in our hard times, then all of life, no matter how apparently insignificant or difficult, can open us to God’s work among us. To be grateful does not mean repressing our remembered hurts. But as we come to God with our hurts — honestly, not superficially — something life changing can begin slowly to happen. We discover how God is the One who invites us to healing. We realize that any dance of celebration must weave both the sorrows and the blessings into a joyful step.

I once saw a stonecutter remove great pieces from a huge rock on which he was working. In my imagination I thought That rock must be hurting terribly. Why does this man wound the rock so much? But as I looked longer, I saw the figure of a graceful dancer emerge gradually from the stone, looking at me in my mind’s eye and saying, “You foolish man, didn’t you know that I had to suffer and thus enter into my glory?” The mystery of the dance is that its movements are discovered in the mourning. To heal is to let the Holy Spirit call me to dance, to believe again, even amid my pain, that God will orchestrate and guide my life.

We tend, however, to divide our past into good things to remember with gratitude and painful things to accept or forget. This way of thinking, which at first glance seems quite natural, prevents us from allowing our whole past to be the source from which we live our future. It locks us into a self-involved focus on our gain or comfort. It becomes a way to categorize, and in a way, control. Such an outlook becomes another attempt to avoid facing our suffering. Once we accept this division, we develop a mentality in which we hope to collect more good memories than bad memories, more things to be glad about than things to be resentful about, more things to celebrate than to complain about.

Gratitude in its deepest sense means to live life as a gift to be received thankfully. And true gratitude embraces all of life: the good and the bad, the joyful and the painful, the holy and the not-so-holy. We do this because we become aware of God’s life, God’s presence in the middle of all that happens.

Is this possible in a society where joy and sorrow remain radically separated? Where comfort is something we not only expect, but are told to demand? Advertisements tell us that we cannot experience joy in the midst of sadness. “Buy this,” they say, “do that, go there, and you will have a moment of happiness during which you will forget your sorrow.” But is it not possible to embrace with gratitude all of our life and not just the good things we like to remember?

If mourning and dancing are part of the same movement of grace, we can be grateful for every moment we have lived.

Everything is grace.

We can claim our unique journey as God’s way to mold our hearts to greater conformity to Christ. The cross, the primary symbol of our faith, invites us to see grace where there is pain; to see resurrection where there is death. The call to be grateful is a call to trust that every moment can be claimed as the way of the cross that leads to new life. When Jesus spoke to His disciples before His death and offered them His body and blood as gifts of life, He shared with them everything He had lived — His joy as well as His pain, His suffering as well as His glory — and enabled them to move into their own mission in deep gratitude.

Day by day we find new reasons to believe that nothing will separate us from the love of God in Christ.

Of course, it is easy for me to push the bad memories under the rug of my consciousness and think only about the good things that please me. It seems to be the way to fulfillment. By doing so, however, I keep myself from discovering the joy beneath the sorrow, the meaning to be coaxed out of even painful memories. I miss finding the strength that becomes visible in my weakness, the grace God told Paul would be

...sufficient for you, for power is made perfect in weakness. — 2 Corinthians 12:9

Gratitude helps us in this dance only if we cultivate it. For gratitude is not a simple emotion or an obvious attitude. Living gratefully requires practice. It takes sustained effort to reclaim my whole past as the concrete way God has led me to this moment. For in doing so I must face not only today’s hurts, but the past’s experiences of rejection or abandonment or failure or fear.

While Jesus told His followers that they were intimately related to Him as branches are to a vine, they still needed to be pruned to bear more fruit (see John 15:1-5). Pruning means cutting, reshaping, removing what diminishes vitality. When we look at a pruned vineyard, we can hardly believe it will bear fruit. But when harvest comes, we realize that the pruning allowed the vines to concentrate their energy and produce more grapes.

Grateful people learn to celebrate even amid life’s hard and harrowing memories because they know that pruning is no mere punishment, but preparation.

When our gratitude for the past is only partial, our hope for the future can likewise never be full. But our submitting to God’s pruning work will not ultimately leave us sad, but hopeful for what can happen in us and through us. Harvest time will bring its own blessings. I am gradually learning that the call to gratitude asks us to say,

“Everything is grace.”

As long as we remain resentful about things we wish had not happened, about relationships that we wish had turned out differently, mistakes we wish we had not made, part of our heart remains isolated, unable to bear fruit in the new life ahead of us. It is a way we hold part of ourselves apart from God. Instead, we can learn to see our remembered experience of our past as an opportunity for ongoing conversion of the heart. We let what we remember remind us of whose we are — not our own, but God’s.

If we are to be truly ready for a new life in the service of God, truly joyful at the prospect of God’s unfolding vocation for our lives, truly free to be sent wherever God guides, our entire past, gathered into the spaciousness of a converted heart, must become the source of energy that moves us onward."'

Excerpted with permission from Turn My Mourning Into Dancing by Henri Nouwen, copyright Estate of Henri Nouwen.

[daniellew150]

Things of 2022, Part 1: Books.

Decided to go through the last 12 months and make some notes about things I have enjoyed this year. Starting off with books, some of these aren't newly released this year, but they were new to me.

These are in no particular order, but let's start off with

Robin Ince: The importance of being interested

This feels like a love letter to science, I've listened to the Infinite Monkey Cage for many years, and read some of Robin's other books. Every time, there is something new that just makes me stop and think. It brings a level of humanity that can sometimes get lost in books solely focused on science. Just a joyous, uplifting book to read.

Randall Monroe: What If? 2

I adore XKCD, there have been so many that just encapsulate my days and I think I own all his books. This one, like the original What If? is one you can just randomly pick up and read a chapter without having to worry about reading a whole book. Funny, and just utter scientific nonsense.

Dave Grohl: The Storyteller.

I was a massive Nirvana fan so when I heard that Dave Grohl had a new band in 1995, I rushed out and bought the first Foo Fighters album on cassette as soon as I could. I played it on repeat for probably the next month, and have bought every album since. I've seen them multiple times live, and watched the documentaries that have been produced along the way. This book does a fantastic job of enhancing all of those memories and gives another insight into an amazingly fascinating person and musician.

Paris Lees: What it feels like for a girl.

This is unlike any book I've ever read. Written in her local vernacular it is not easy to read, but at the same time this does not detract from the story at all. If anything it makes you more invested in the detail. Just brilliant, highlights a truly difficult adolescence, with some horrifying moments, but utterly remarkable. So radically different from any experience I had growing up, but with some unexpected parallels.

Shon Faye: The Transgender Issue, An argument for justice.

As a trans person, the British media has been terrifying to read this year. This book is the light in the dark. Clearly explaining and debunking so much of the nonsense we have to deal with on a daily basis. I would love for everyone to read this book dispassionately and think about the reasons why the media, and governments spend so much effort othering and demonising many different minorities. Truly brilliant.

Juno Dawson: Her Majesty's Royal Coven.

I've only finished this one today. Thanks to Waterstones supply chain problems a book I ordered in July didn't arrive until November and I've had to wait until some time off to read it. It clearly has an extremely strong message around inclusivity and fighting for marginalised people. However it is wrapped up within an amazingly compelling story. I loved this book, literally read it in one sitting. I'm going to have to read it a few more time to pick up all the nuance. The characters are fantastic, and I found it extremely relatable.

Richard Osman: The Thursday murder club.

This one is definitely the odd one out on the list, it has no deep meaning or message, but it's a fun, well written detective story.

Mat Oxley: Valentino Rossi All his races.

I'm an absolute motorsport nerd, so an in depth review of a 26 year career, literally breaking it down race by race, is just a huge undertaking and it's done brilliantly. Doesn't try to sugar coat the mistakes, or oversell the success. A superb reference work and extremely well written.

Chelsea Manning: Readme.txt

I've left this one until last, as honestly I've not finished it yet. I'm about a third of the way through, and It's not an easy read. That doesn't mean it is bad, far from it, but I can only handle small chunks at a time without feeling emotionally exhausted. Like Paris Lees the depths of neglect and trauma during childhood are unimaginable.

Abigail Thorn: The Prince.

Wasn't sure whether to include this as it is the script for the play. I was lucky enough to see The Prince performed at the Southwark Playhouse in September, and had to buy the book. Absolutely loved the play, and it was a joyous atmosphere to be in such an accepting and diverse crowd. The mix of Shakespearean and modern language worked brilliantly, and I can't wait to watch it again when the recording of it drops on Nebula next year.

Well that's the books. Tried to keep it short, and over the next few days will try to cover Music, Podcasts, TV/Films (blur together in these days of streaming... ) and I probably need to split YouTube off into it's own category as well.

[makiruz]

I have heard of some fat YouTuber and people going about his health and eating himself to death and shit, but I had no idea who that was and I honestly wondered if it was just fatphobia or what

Well, Super Eyepatch Wolf mentioned him in his Nathan Fielder video, so I know what’s the deal with this guy: he goes by “Nikocado Avocado” he used to be vegan vloger and pianist, you know, normal YouTuber; but then he started doing Mukbang which is a Korean streaming stuff where you eat a lot of food in one seating, so he got very fat and supposedley developed health issues and started acting weird. I saw the thumbnails from his early videos in 2016, and I now understand why people are worried because he gained a lot of weight

But the whole thing is kinda weird from the start, because again, this guy used to be vegan, and had to stop for “health concerns”, and the next video after announcing that in his feed is him eating a probably unhealthy amount of mac and cheese. First off, how the F you go from being vegan to eating a disgusting amount of cheese in a relatively short period of time? Second if you can’t keep a vegan diet for health reasons, how the hell you start not just eating huge amounts of food but garbage food? You’re either lying or you want to die, because if a vegan diet isn’t healthy for you, noodles and fast food ain’t either. If he isn’t lying, everyone’s probably right to be worried about his mental health because such a radical change in diet is probably self-destructive behavior

Anyway, I’m kinda off-balance right now and food grosses me out at the moment

#Internet #YouTube #rants #God I hate learning Internet drama

[warmthpdf]

i had one of the best days ever with my friends today :-) <3

#mine #something abt emotional vulnerability in the empty field of ur local park while eating chips u got from the chippy n ur friend plays guitar #it was just rly lovely and honestly .. ? super healing - we went through 21 of the ''36 questions that lead to love'' and it got heavy !! #but the heaviness of everything that we've all gone through as individuals feels a lot easier to bear when we're all sharing it together #idk theres something poetic in that :) sharing the weight but not in the way that we put pressure on each other to bear our trauma ?? #just having it out there to understand each other better and just generally get closer; i feel a lot better n it was just one of those days #like one of those days where ur aware that ur living some of ur best moments that you'll back on one day with these same people #so i was just.. so present and grounded and trying to remember everything and i felt everything SO intensely all of a sudden #like when one of my friends (HI IF UR READING THIS KING <3) started playing small hands by radical face and i burst into tears #because 1. its a song i associate with all of them soso hard and 2. again that awareness of how small a moment feels like in retrospect #but how huge it felt right then and there - and now i know its still gonna feel like BIG when i think about it in future #because we all know - THEY all know - that im emotional n sensitive and just so so overwhelmed w my love with them that it just /comes out/ #so i just OPENLY CRIED and ? ive cried in front of them before but not happy tears before?? so it was just this nice moment :( #because crying can be so embarrassing and ugly and feel like ur just a mess that everyones forced to deal with #but they just held me and didnt make fun of me and :( i love my friends so much they truly are everything to me. found family type beat????? #im so happy aaah goodnight <3