#i feel like i havent properly relaxed in weeks because its work -> all home responsibilities on just me -> hormonal issues with meds | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

jupio · 1 year

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tl;dr my uni house sucks absolute fucking ass and its been building but one things happened today and it has. tipped me over the edge. so its either write it out or scream

i just want. one fucking week in this house where noone does anything that makes me want to beat the shit out of them

we had a couple silverfish earlier this week so i put my houseplants on a window sill in the shared hall outside my room because of the damp. this was 4 days ago and i havent watered them since so they should be bone dry.

last night i went to bed first but the other people who live here decided to stay up and get drunk

i got my plants back in today because there havent been anymore silverfish and went to water and prune them but when i leant in closer to the first one i noticed two things.

1. the soil was soaked through and messy 2. it fucking stank of piss

so yknow i dont want to jump to conclusions but what other fucking conclusions are there here. someone in this god fucking awful house thought it would be funny to take one of my plants and piss in it for fucking what??? for the laughs???

theyve poured wine on my dishes, they broke my kitchen scales, theyve screamed and tried to break and kick in my door at 4 in the morning when high on ket, theyve made fun of me to my face, theyve made fun of my hobbies, they make snide comments where i can tell i’m being made fun of but i cant work out what i’ve said wrong, theyve slammed doors at every hour of the fucking night for weeks, they scream up and down the stairs at 3am, they call me boring, they call me stupid and autistic and unfunny and bitchy and nit-picky and overly sensitive and i am so fucking SICK of trying to live here

every day i am masking so hard that i’m even more irritable and i go to bed exhausted and full of anxiety because i know!! i know everytime i leave a room they all look at each other like oh thank god ollie’s gone we can finally be offensive and i’m not sleeping properly, and i’m always on edge in my own home. i cant relax here ever

and idk. someone else might take this less seriously and brush it off. but i cant and i’m tired of trying to explain to them that maybe its funny to prank each other but when you fuck with my stuff it’s not funny, it completely derails my expectations of things and especially with adhd my reactions to things can be out of proportion. so its not funny at all. im just so angry that im shaking and i want to beat the shit out of someone. so no, i dont take well to it, and im not gonna laugh and deal with it, im gonna cry, and react like a kid. and then noone is having any fun because everyone acts like its so awkward that im upset when really they could just be normal fucking decent people and leave me the hell alone.

and now i have to try and deal with this and i have no fucking clue how im even meant to approach it. “hi guys, just wondering who pissed in my beloved trailing ivy? it was £25 so would love some financial compensation and also for you to hold still so i can break your fucking nose!”

i dont even know if i should just leave it because its just not worth it. i dont even care if im a pushover at this point i am so. tired. of trying to make them respect me as a person. thats what it feels like, it feels like they dont even see me as a person they just see me as a fucking circus freak.

the plants still in my room. i dont even know what to do with that. i dont want to touch it because just touching the pot made my hands smell. so just everytime i look up i get upset and scared and angry all over again because its right there. and im 90% sure i know who did it but if i confront him about it he’ll do that thing where people go cmon its just a joke why are you being so sensitive? jeez, lighten up its not a big deal and ill look stupid and sensitive and different like i always do

ive got 4 more months of living here and then i am fucking gone and i am never speaking to these people again.

#you know its bad if its getting me to re-consider moving back in with my parents #this is. a kinda long and very angry rant but honestly im shaking right now so its warranted #local old man #vent post

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surprisebitch · 4 years

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my experience playing Arknights for one week

i said i wouldnt pick up another gacha... but i really had to find out i could re-roll for SilverAsh.. and fast forward, it has come to the point i really want to play this game a lot and love it that i have to talk about why it’s so good

GACHA ASPECTS

first, the gacha is generous. you will always get a 5-star from every banner within your first ten rolls. you can also buy a standard 5-star and/or 6-star operator from the shop with in-game currency you either have to farm or save for with yellow certificates. these come when you roll a new operator from the gacha or from a weekly game mode called Annihilation. they dont come easily though but you can save for them

you get to recruit new operators for free too, you just gotta wait every 7 hours and 40 minutes if you want a 3 to 5 star. then if you get a special tag, set it to 9 hours so you can get a guaranteed 4 or 5 star

Annihilation is a mode you can do to get originium, LMD, and battle records depending on how many enemies you kill in a single run. so the game incentivises you to power up your operators so you can roll more since.

the reason why you would probably whale or be made to roll and save is getting copies of the 6-star because the more copies you get, the more they’d be cheaper to deploy. that is not a necessity though. another is sanity/stamina. people buy gacha currency to either play more, farm more, or speed up factory production

every operator is viable including the lower rarity ones. so dont feel that you wasted on one leveling them because they would all be investments especially. dupes can also make them cheaper to deploy so the more copies you get for them, the more they would most likely be in your squad for a while. once you get more than 6 too, they become currency which you can use. also cheap to raise with early to mid-game investment. they also learn a trait which can be a great asset for your RIIC or base! for example a maxed out 2-star can have the best type of base buff

the husbandos albeit few are eye candy. i hope as time goes we get more new sexy male operators. but honestly, the advantage is it will be easier to save for their banners. there’s also no male tax because they arent underwhelming and are really great units. in fact the S+ tier unit to this date (in NA at least) is SilverAsh and he is a catboy husbando who you can re-roll for free. you wouldnt get to experience his full glory though until you’re far enough which is level-gated by a well-leveled arsenal of operators

SO MANY REWARDS and give-aways!!! like this game is so generous. it has a cumulative login, consecutive login, monthly login, weekly login, campaign login, and event login omg. you also get rewards from missions and leveling servants. so many incentives are given to power-up your servants. its so newbie and f2p friendly

GAMEPLAY

when you have to farm experience or materials, there’s the auto-deployment function. so if you perfectly cleared it (3/3 rating) without using a support, you can just start the node with the function and leave it on the background. this may not guarantee 100% success though as sometimes your operators could die from a stray crit but luckily you can take over if an error risk is detected. so you dont have to go through the tedious process of doing it all over again. you can also overwrite that error

the difficulty spike happens not too far into the story that you will be forced to level up your servants and try out different strategies going out your comfort zone. this includes improving your base, leveling specialists, etc. you’d also be encouraged or forced to think outside the box because some maps can make certain specialists shine, so dont underestimate your crowd-control and shift operators as they can make the defense easier.

the game is so flexible. there isnt a fixed strategy, it’s well-balanced where every team could flourish. it really depends either how properly leveled they are and your gameplay.

you cant get carried by an S-tier support and you are forced to be independent. for one, their max level is scaled to your highest level operator. a friend support can only go so far but it’s your whole squad that matters so make sure they’re all properly leveled and youre proactive in activating their skills, withdrawing one, replacing, managing timing, etc. also, clearing without a friend support is what will allow you to auto-farm the node

you can practice any fight! so if the node seems to be difficult, you get 30 free practices per day, so you can assess or simulate if your operators are ready for the challenge. and if by chance you fuck up your official run when you start it officially the first time, you can leave and the game refunds all the sanity/energy you used! it will only start deducting sanity the more you try so use your practice drills wisely

besides the tower defense main gameplay, there are many things you can do to diversify your experience from setting up your base, designing your dormitory in your base with furnitures, etc. managing your operators and maintaining efficiency and workflow. a great base is what will help you generate income and experience to level up your operaots

many materials but nothing too overwhelming. the game gives you a good idea and guides you on where to farm them or how to get them. you can just click the material and it will tell you where to get those if you have completed the map. it will also tell you what node to complete if you havent. so you will never get lost

ART and SOUND

the ART! it’s so pretty omg from the backgrounds to the operator designs. also despite being predominantly filled with waifu operators, their designs are not fanservice. there’s like hardly any tiddy window. their body proportions are realistic. they’re all dressed up practically for battle

the soundtrack is sooooo good! i really love the vibe even the home page. it’s relaxing to hear you can leave it on the background. the battle music is also really nice

STORY

it is really engaging!! it is rather a slow burn and everything seems to set up to a battle every time but it does not feel too repetitive as we learn new things and the game is able to make these encounters realistic and connected to the story. the events are fun and make you learn more operators who are featured too. it’s very thought-out

TL;DR:

there are so many aspects about Arknights that makes it a cleverly designed Tower Defense Game: generous rewards/gacha, interactive gameplay, well balanced operators, farming convenience, aesthetically pleasing art, etc. If you are looking for a game that will get your mind working, Arknights is so worth it. Give it a try cause I wish i joined sooner, but hey, it’s never too late!

(cred: artist)

#arknights #damn i WISH i played this sooner

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lizzodorito · 4 years

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quick vent

because i legit have no where else to put this sort of feeling and just.. writing it in a book or a doc just... isnt as cathartic. Hope this just fades into the void, please dont bother reading it.

Hey. screw proper grammar and spelling I just need to get thihis out.

my name is liz and hoenstly fuck this website because last time i actively used it for something other than mandolorian memes or sims mods/cc my ex boyfriend was fucking stalking me on it and catfishing me and comfort me by sending me those ask lists and i... i dunno if im over that. Fuck you Sven.

not the point, just wha t I have to think about every single damned time I find myself here no matter what.

I am so lonely. I dont have many friends at all and the ones I do are out to use me or not Get Into It with me, thouhg fair because im a shit load of a lot to deal with i guess. other friends i have are pretty backstabbing and they refuse to properly grow up and LIVE and THINK FOR OTHERS AND ALSO THINK FOR THEMSELVES WITHOUT IT HAVING TO BE DEFINED BY HOW PROUDLY TERRIBLE THEIR MENTAL HEALTH IS FUCK

And then i get shit for it

love being used guys hell yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah no i dont i hate it so much literally when was the last time anyone loved me right outside of my family and even so its not like my parents treat me well. mother you may have improved drastically, but similar to my self esteem, its still very much BELOW PAR and i hate having to witness both.

I am so lonely.

I go so long without saying any word sometimes, its a wonder i stil breath, although sometimes when i was young id forget to.

why is it that i get more depressed when i come back to the family home

does anyone else understand being family oriented to a family that really for the majority doesn’t treat you the same?

The voice in my head wont stop. it wont stop telling me all the ways i have potentially fucked my budding friendships with my new friends isha and matt

how am i a person who shares so little yet so much

BUT MY LORD THANK YOU these are people who... who are considerate and are processing what i am saying and are thinking of me

but how fucked up am i

and will that push them away

im often distasteful but all the same complex and layered and so useful and so interesting

and that’s why often enough it seems people dont put in the effort, or frankly, dont give a shit about me once i requrie effort, though their “care” for me beofre then was only for their own benefit.

im exhausted

One of my best internet friends was raped and i was the one who revealed that to her and she just didnt realize it yet and i havent been able to fall asleep without thinking about it

i have needed to cry for over a week now and i haVent gotten to still i am so sad i am SO SAD

I am so charming yet cannot help being alone no matter how enjoyable i am for others to have around

Matt

He makes me question if im asexual

But I am only a human

porbably deifntieyl still asexual

but too much all the same

Im just lonely and touch starved probably (more than usual to be clear) and want to be hugged and loved and he’s so smart and we talk for hoours and comfortably, for me, occupy eachothers’ space we talk for

hours.

this is becoming poetry.

I feel like i am beginning to sound like a hobo johnson broken record

stop being poetic fuck off liz

he;s so

I havent been hopeful like this in people for a long time

we went to a museum to support isha (she had to do a project that invovled socializing so ya know the inrovert crew (though i dont know fi matt considers himself one)) and we just were togeter (in rather close proximinity) just speaking in accents, partly hoping to excite the strangers crowding everywhere about “foriegners” being here at the exhibit... but i think it was mostly just for us. for our fun

because voices is what we like to do

i love voice acitng

he committed to it, i fell out of it more times than he did and he gets more specific with accents than i do

he likes what i do

he loves the characters and my many talents

he loves my writing

he wants me to join his dnd campaign over the summer with his friends

is it for me?

does he want... me

or just my character maggie that everyone loves

he wants me to join the campign he’s in npw with his friends, as he’s a player character and not a dm as he would be over the summer

he doesn’t quite get how lonely i am

i worry i made him and isha uncomfortable last night... i joked about actually being loved properly

he immediately looked at me strange, me not realizing the joke was taken as truth

“Liz, is there something you need to talk about?”

“Oh! Oh, well, um...” hi i come from an abusive family and you both dont realize how much it meant to me that you wanted me to come and are consitently telling me and thanking me for coming because... you’re telling me im good company and its been so long since i have had real friends or gone out with friends and ACTUALLY FULLY AND COMPLTELY HAD A GOOD TIME OH MY GOSH YOU DONT EVEN KNOW I AM SO SHY ABOUT ALL OF THIS BECAUSE HOLY FUCK I CANT EVEN ASK HOW I BECAME SUCH A BASKET CASE BECAUSE I ALREADY KNOW I ALRWADY KNOW I ALREADY KOW I ALRADY KNOW AND I HAVENT’ GOTTEN TO REALLY TELL ANYONE IN SO LONG WITHOUT THEM LEAVING ME

its been so long since ive been understood by a peer

(hi my name is liz and i am weepign right now)

“No, not yet at least.”

*isha laughs and it joined by matt soon. I’m smiling comfortably. I genuinely have a soft, contented hope i might get to tell them at least some of it one day.*

“not yet at least! sorry matt you have to be at least a level 4 friend to learn the tragic backstory”

thank you isha for lightening the mood

thank you for making the joke so many people who gave less than a fuck about me got offeneded at and confused when i made it so often years ago.

my comment was laughed off, we continued to watch the critical role espidoe i had missed

soon it was just matt and i. isha was to bed.

just him and i, and i, like id been all night (concious but making the decision to pipe down and trust the people around me), was all curled up, very relaxed and off my posture, sinking into the couch. MAtt was always upright ish. sometimes hed sink a bit or rest his hips on their side curl a little rest his head, but not as intesely as i did

sometimes he’d scoot closer to me, sometimes hed scoot away. sometimes hed move his legs so our knees would touch. i dont mind (not because i was finding it romantic, im not twelve, i just am understadning of the small situation we are in and its a knee for crying out loud) i wonder if i was taking up too much space with the way i’d sit comfortaly. I wonder if he thought so.

i would be lying if i said i didnt imagine us actually having contact with eachother. cuddling platonically.. on multiple occassions.

I have an imagination that thinks of everything and so many scenarios all at once and all the time after all

i was comfortable with the idea but

it would be a bigger lie to say i wasnt absolutely and perfectly content wiht the way it did go.

i dont thiink i will ever know if he was comofrtable on that couch or more so if it was me he was comfortable or uncomfrtoable with.

I will respect him to tell me.

he;s good at eyecontact and its comfrotable enoguh where i dont have to look away (it’s been a problem i never used to have recently)

I’d peek up at him when he’d talk to me

i felt young again

when the stream was over he got up to leave.

i dont know if we daudled. dawdled? yep thats the word

i dont know if we did

we made small talk

shitty jokes that he declared wouldn’t be the last thing we said to eachother that evening

i agreed.

the last words that night were goodnights.

me with my raspy evening voice from a day full of talking and him with a look over the shoulder from the hall as the door closed behind him

he was obviosuly very slap happy sleepy as he was talking about the light not being too bright in the hall (to his happiness)

it was a nice night

when was the last time i went to bed so happy? thanking God over and over and praying for my friend i mention way earlier

i didnt even have to drown my insomnia with a youtube video

i just went to sleep

2 am

i hope the weather continues

- jaques cruzio, pink panther

now im just in bed

at the family home

not my dorm

fighting my depression (its been three hours, i was getting exhausted by 9:30 due to it) as i rest

i was curled in a ball, slumped and face planted, arms slumped when i decided i need to talk to someone, or say something mroe than what i vented to my little sister (small bits about how lonely i feel and how i worry ive fucked things up) hours ago

and here we are

12:14 am

just some broken twenty something asexual with a mind that’s usually over sixty talking about the amazing people i met two weeks ago while in the background i think about the girl i used to be the boss of (online moderator work) and how she’s essentially in love with her idea of me and how i make her feel... and not just for me.

i am mysterious and cool and smart and hot and talented and useful to her.

I want to be complex and dedicated and helpful and pretty and so skilled and hardworking and wanted for me.

i want to be considered and deserving and im hoping that isha, matt and my other two roommates can help start to fill that hole in my life

because, God, so far they have so much potential for it in my eyes

(so far)

thanks for listening, void.

actually feeling quite a bit better. the misery is still lingering, i wonder if i should cry more. But, i can breathe easier and my eyes dont feel dead. I just am tired and am prepared to enjoy things again.

proabbly will watch claire from BA make jelly beans.

or the Noel Miller guy isha told me about.

I dont know if it’s appropriate if i downloaded matt’s contact into my phone from when isha put us both in a groupchat together and i hope its not weird and i hope maybe he did the same, but by God i dont think i’ll be texting him first.

i like in person better.

with anyone.

always have

i have so much more on my mind

#me

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sadprose-auroras · 5 years

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‘About Time’ - Roger TaylorxFem!Reader (Part 1)

A/N: Hello my darlings! I can’t decide if I hate this or not, and I’m not sure if I’ll continue writing this, depends on the response. Please let me know if you want me to continue it (it would probably require way more parts, like a full on series). Hope you enjoy! - Also, this can apply to Ben Hardy’s portrayal of Roger. Whatever you prefer!

(This was totally inspired by a couple time travel fics I read a few weeks ago, I can’t remember the authors or the names but all credits to them for the time travel idea…. LOVE. IT. I just HAD to write my own, crappier version)

Find my other works here!

You sunk to the floor, your knees giving out beneath you. You felt ridiculous, curling up in a ball, in your wardrobe, but you had reached your breaking point; everything had suddenly hit you. As you hugged your knees, sobbing, your jeans became tear-soaked. Your mind wandered, as your cheeks flamed in embarrassment and shame about your current state, despite nobody being around. How did you get here? A few months ago, your life was great. You had a great job, a great circle of friends and boyfriend, and you were pursuing your passion; studying fashion design. Then, everything began to crumble around you. All your friends turned on you, you got fired, and your studies began to slip as a result, causing you to fail an exam.

If all that wasn’t bad enough, you found out your boyfriend of two years had been cheating on you for a year and 11 months. Go figure. It was as if the universe was playing some long, cruel joke on you, just to see how long before you gave up on trying to pursue any kind of happiness. Just as you came to the conclusion that you really had nothing to fight for, leaning your head back on the wall behind you and closing your eyes, the strangest feeling overcame you. Your head began to spin, and pins and needles covered your entire body. You tried to open your eyes, to move your body, but you were frozen. Your heart rate increased rapidly, and you began to think that this was really it. Whatever was happening, you were going to die. Strangely enough, you couldn’t find it in yourself to care.

By some miracle, everything stopped. The pins and needles ceased, and, save a throbbing headache, you felt much better. You experimentally wiggled your toes, and you had feeling back again. Hesitantly, you opened your eyes, looking around you. It was dark, but you could make out the shapes of the clothes hanging around you. Oddly, you didn’t recognise any of them. The chair that was next to you when you closed your eyes was gone, replaced by a shoe rack.

You stood up, closed your eyes again and rubbed your temples, trying to rid of the probable hallucinations. You racked your brain, thinking back to when you studied psychosis in high school. You couldn’t remember a thing. Was temporary paralysis a symptom?

You decided you needed to call a doctor. You pulled your iPhone out of your pocket, still in the dark, and opened up safari. You had no wifi, and no reception. Frowning, you opened the wardrobe door, the knob feeling unfamiliar, to be greeted by a figure doing the same. The door swung open suddenly, bouncing on its hinges.

You both screamed loudly, and, without looking at the figure in front of you, you tried to push past to get away, however, a hand gripped you and pulled you back.

Your eyes became fixed on the man in front of you. You frowned, unable to tear your eyes off him. The hallucinations were getting worse; you were conjuring up images of people in your home. Hang on. You knew his face all too well; you had spent hours watching him drum and sing at concerts on YouTube. It couldn’t be, could it?

“Who are you, and what the hell are you doing in my wardrobe!?” he asked, releasing his grip on you. You winced, rubbing where his fingernails had dug into you. This was all too much.

“I should be asking you the same thing, why are you in my house? What’s going on?” you looked around the room, expecting to see your familiar bedroom; your posters plastered around the walls, your colourful duvet, and your plush white carpet. Instead, the walls were empty, the duvet was blue, and the carpet was grey.

“I need to sit down,” you said, overwhelmed, perching on the edge of the unfamiliar bed. You glanced up at the man in front of you, his expression still shocked and wide-eyed, as he looked you up and down, his brows furrowing.

“God, you seem so real,” you laughed. “But there’s no way.”“What the fuck do you mean?” he replied. “I know I’m real, but I can’t say the same about you. I’ve never known anyone who can just appear out of thin air,” he shook his head in disbelief.

You frowned, rubbing your hands through your hair. “What do you mean, I appeared out of thin air?” your stomach began to sink. For reasons you couldn’t explain, something else was going on. Something much weirder than you initially thought.

“Well, I don’t see how you could have got into my wardrobe without me seeing. I’ve been in my room for 20 minutes.” You glanced at his legs, frowning. What kind of person wears flared jeans anymore?

“I, um,” you began, a laugh escaping your lips despite yourself. This was all too ridiculous. You were actively avoiding eye contact with him. You figured if you acknowledged that it was him, at that age, in front of you, this would all go away. It was impossible. Suddenly, it all came together, as shocking as it was. It wasn’t him that was in the wrong place, it was you. This wasn’t your house. You had no wifi or reception. And, Roger Taylor, looking as he did circa 1972, was right in front of you. Had you time travelled? Your head span at the possibility. What else could explain these strange occurrences?

“What year is it?” you asked, this time properly meeting his eyes this time. Photos didn’t do the real thing justice; his baby blue eyes were maintaining steady eye contact with you, his lips were slightly parted, and his hair looked so soft and angelic. He was insanely beautiful. You internally cursed yourself. Now was definitely not the time.

“1972…” he said, becoming even more confused. Your theory was confirmed. You’d watched all of the Back to the Future movies countless times, but you’d never imagined anything like that could ever really happen. Especially to you; plain, boring, old you.

“I know you’re probably not inclined to believe the crazy girl from your wardrobe, but I think,” you bit your lip, concerned at how he would take the news. “I think I’m from the future.”

----------

“So, you’re telling me you didn’t do anything for this to actually happen?” Roger asked. After trying to explain to him a million times, that yes, you were in fact just as confused as him, and no, you didn’t climb through his window, you tried to remain patient. He had every right to be confused as hell, you would definitely react the same if you were in his shoes. Despite this though, he was oddly trusting, allowing you to remain in his house and actually giving you the time of day to explain your side of the story. He even offered you a glass of water and something to eat, which you accepted gratefully. You were starving.

“Yes, I was literally just in my wardrobe, then the next thing I knew we were screaming in each other’s faces.”

“How do I know you’re telling the truth? You don’t seem very sane so far. I’m going to need some proof. You could just be a crazy girl who will do anything to sleep with me,” he smirked. You rolled your eyes. So the stories were true, he really was cocky.

“Don’t flatter yourself, Taylor,” you retorted. “And no,” you said quickly, as he opened his mouth to speak, “I don’t know your surname because I’m a crazy stalker.” Your mind wandered to your extensive Queen record and CD collection. Okay, so maybe you were a little, but he didn’t need to know that.

“I know because Queen makes it big. I mean, massive.” You bit your lip nervously. If Back to the Future taught you anything, nobody should know too much about their own future. For the first time in your life, you had to think about what you said before you said it.

“How can I convince you?” you asked.

“I don’t know,” he sighed. “What year do you claim to come from, anyway?”

“2019,” you bit your lip.

His eyes widened in disbelief. “Shit,” he mumbled. “Am I….?”

“Still alive? Yeah.” Suddenly, you had an idea. You pulled your phone out of your pocket, thankful it was still charged. You turned it on, the time and date you had left still displayed on the screen (18th January 2019, 11:00), in front of a picture of Queen from 1975. You turned the screen towards him.

“Holy shit, is that me?” he gasped, leaning forward. “2019.” He looked up at you, and you shrugged and nodded. You were thankful he didn’t know the implications of having a picture of somebody as your lockscreen.

“There’s something else,” you unlocked your phone, opening music and searching for ‘Doing Alright.’ You pressed play, the song pouring out of the speakers.

Yesterday, my life was in ruin

Now today, I know what I’m doing…

“Oh my god, that’s our song! We haven’t even released it yet.” He chuckled. You couldn’t help but grin at his excitement, encapsulated by his gorgeous smile.

“Wanna hear more?” you smirked. It’s funny, you had never felt so comfortable around somebody so quickly. You couldn’t quite put your finger on it, but something about him relaxed you.

----------

“Have you noticed I haven’t asked about that thing you’re holding, ‘cause I’m too scared to?”

You laughed, covering your mouth with your hand. You’d spent the last half an hour playing Roger a few more Queen songs. A small nagging voice in the back of your mind was telling you to stop, to not reveal anything about his future, no matter how small. But Roger’s pleading to hear more won.

“It’s actually a phone,” you said, to answer his question. “Well, that’s its main purpose anyway. You can use it to take and store pictures, play music, and use the internet. Which, well, you’ll find out about in approximately 18 years.”

“I’m intrigued, what’s the internet?” he asked. You thought of all the unspeakable things you had come across on social media, and shook your head.“You don’t want to know.” He raised an eyebrow at you, and you tried to suppress a blush.

You cleared your throat, averting your eyes from him as you straightened up in your seat. “What’s the time?” you asked. He glanced down at his watch. “3am,” he laughed in disbelief. “We should probably get some sleep. I’ll sleep on the couch.”

You shook your head rapidly, taken aback by his utter kindness. “Oh my god no, please, I will. It’s your house,” you said, getting up from the chair you were sitting on. He did the same. You both stood awkwardly, basically staring at each other. You couldn’t help but think of the times you watched a Queen documentary on TV, with the Roger of your time’s commentary. It was hard to believe the man in front of you was the same person.

He cleared his throat, tearing his eyes off you, and going into his bedroom, mumbling something about getting something for you to sleep in.

As you awaited his return, you couldn’t help but wonder why you were so focused on how flustered you were around Roger, and not worried about the fact that you were literally stuck in the wrong year, and had no idea how to get back. The funny thing was, you had no desire to. You hadn’t felt so at home in a long time, than when you were laughing and talking with Roger. He made you feel so safe, so quickly. And that feeling would only grow stronger when you both gave up on convincing the other to sleep on the couch, and ended up sharing his bed.

PART 2: BONUS CONTENT THAT I WROTE THE SAME DAY AS PART ONE. I’M NOT GOING TO CONTINUE IT BUT WHAT’S THE POINT OF HAVING IT IN A WORD DOC N NOT POSTING IT?

When I was writing this, I couldn’t stop imagining rom-com moments. Like, the outfit section? A cute montage with a cute song. Damn I wish I could express the images in my head more clearly, in words. My writing sucks.

“Y/N, wake up. Y/N!!” A familiar, yet foreign, voice startled you. As you came to your senses, you realised your usual soft, silky sheets were replaced with cotton ones, and an unusual smell wafted around you. You slowly opened your eyes, to be greeted by Roger leaning over you, a slightly annoyed look on his face. Fuck. It was real. He must’ve read your disappointment on your face, and he smiled sympathetically and nodded.

“Yep, you’re still here,” he mumbled. You couldn’t help but sigh; you’d hoped it was a really long, unusual dream.

“I have to go to rehearsal for a gig tonight. Do you wanna come?” Of course you didn’t want to pass up the opportunity to meet the rest of the band, and literally see the magic happen, you couldn’t help but feel like you were invading. But then again, who could say they had the chance to sit in on an early Queen rehearsal, especially knowing how successful and impactful they were going to become?

“I don’t – I don’t want to intrude,” you mumbled, sitting up in the bed and clutching the duvet around you, suddenly feeling exposed in Roger’s white shirt.

“Well it’s your choice, I understand that you probably don’t want to sit around with us when you could be finding a way back home or finding your parents or something,” he said.

Although you would never admit it, you wanted nothing more than to go with him. Not only was it literally history in the making, but the absence of your birth parents in your life, leading to a childhood of foster families who couldn’t care less about you, gave you a sense of independence at a young age. You knew how to be alone, seeking solace in music. Music created by the greats like Queen made you feel less alone, as silly as it sounded. It was your escape from the struggles in your real life.

“Wait, no. I want to come. If you don’t mind. But I need something 70s appropriate to wear,” you chuckled, glancing over at your high-waisted skinny jeans and cropped knit jumper folded neatly on a chair.

“I think that can be arranged.” Roger grinned at you, and you were struck with yet another wave of disbelief. Roger Taylor was going to lend you come of his iconic clothes.

After spending a couple of hours going through Roger’s clothes, which was your absolute dream, you finally settled on a pair of pants that were a little too short, and a shirt that was slightly too tight across the chest. You tried to spice up the outfit with a few of Roger’s necklaces, much to his dismay.

“Do I look okay?” you asked when you stepped out, twirling around with your arms out.

Roger, standing with a pile of clothes in his arms that you had rejected, furrowed his brows and looked you up and down. You couldn’t help but stifle a giggle at the sight; he was taking his job as your stylist very seriously.

“You’ll almost fit in,” he said, “although, the shirt is too tight,” he finished bluntly, gesturing to your chest. You folded your arms instinctively.

“Don’t worry, I won’t look at your boobs.” You frowned at this. Was that meant to make you feel better? Why did you feel slightly disappointed?

“Um, thanks?” you scoffed. “What should I do with my hair?” you tugged on each of your French braids. Roger walked towards you without warning, and pulled out your hair ties, running his fingers through your hair.

“Just leave it loose.” He said hoarsely, his face dangerously close to yours. Your heart was beating rapidly, and you couldn’t take your eyes off him. He was biting his lip in concentration, his eyes squinting as he adjusted your hair. It took everything in you to not lean into his touch; his fingers were so delicate. As he pushed a strand of hair out of your face, his eyes met yours.

“Perfect,” he almost whispered, his breath sending shivers down your spine. You knew you should pull away. You knew this would get way too complicated. Your rationality was telling you to snap out of it. But as his hands smoothly came to rest around your neck, bringing you closer, something else entirely was driving your actions. Just as you began to lean in, he pulled away, clearing his throat loudly.

“Let me get you a coat,” he said, quickly rushing away from you. You bit your lip, cheeks flaming. You were humiliated. What were you thinking, trying to kiss him? He obviously wasn’t attracted to you; the weird, pathetic crazy time-traveller. You didn’t even belong here anyway, how could you possibly think he would want you? Your eyes began to well up, you just had to get out of there.

As you quickly began to gather your clothes and phone, furiously wiping the tears from your eyes, Roger returned with a fur coat in his arms.

“Here, this should fit – wait, what’s wrong?” he asked, realising your state.

“I’m just gonna go. I’m so sorry to have invaded your life like this, you shouldn’t have to deal with my weird ass problems. Thank you for everything. It was nice meeting you, I guess. I’ll never forget you,” you rambled, becoming increasingly embarrassed, trying to walk past him. He gently placed his hands on your upper arms, turning you to face him.

“Hey, hey, I don’t have to help you, okay? I want to. If you’ll let me.” he said, a surprisingly vulnerable look on his face.

“But, I’m burdening you too much! You can’t have me holding you back from living your normal life. You don’t want me clinging to your side like some kind of….” You paused, struggling to find the right words in your frazzled state. “Some kind of leech. I mean, I’m just annoying. For God’s sake, we have nothing in common! I’m technically young enough to be your daughter!”

Roger laughed softly. “Okay, first of all, you’re not a leech. And yes, it’s weird that you’re from the future, and I’ll probably never wrap my head around it, but so what? We shouldn’t get along, but we do.” You hoped he couldn’t notice your blush at this.

“And, lastly,” he said, a cheeky smirk on his face, “the thought of you being my daughter is gross, but me being your daddy on the other hand…”

“Oh my god, Roger! No!” you couldn’t help but laugh, as you rapidly shook your head. You couldn’t tell if he was joking or not; you secretly hoped he wasn’t.

“So, do you still wanna come to rehearsal?” he asked, all joking aside.

You sighed, hoping you weren’t being a burden. “Okay, give me that then,” you grabbed the coat off him, pulling it on.

“Do I look normal?” you asked.

“No,” he smirked, and you raised your eyebrows at him. “In a good way, though. Come on,” he said, grabbing your hand. You tried to ignore the jolts of electricity you felt from this sweet gesture. You never thought simply holding hands with someone would give you so many butterflies.

#roger taylor x reader #roger taylor #queen #queen band #ben hardy #ben hardy x reader #brian may #freddie mercury #john deacon #queen imagine #fanfic #queen fanfic

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modiintrainguy · 4 years

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Confusion Reigns

December 19, 2019, 6.43am

I can’t stop thinking about this.

That i am now constantly seeing everything through the prism of “ADHD” or an “ADHD brain” as AL says.

And as he says, an ADHD brain does not mean you have “Attention Deficit” and “Hyperactivity”.

It is about not being able to use “executive function” properly so you you find it very hard to make decisions. That you know what you should do and why you should do it and really you usually know how you do it - but something stops you from actually doing it. something about how its very hard to get from the back brain to the front brain.

Which has always been my problem - it shows, from how i always put homework off, to the extreme anxiety i felt with the product marketing job at sbt where i had to make a plan and implement it by myself.... let alone cleaning up at home and doing dishes and planning shabbat meals and dealing with finances and making a schedule for the month with the kids and stuff.

he says that one of the issues is having no discernable end to the task plus overwhelm, as i wrote in the previous post.

he also says that people with an “adhd brain” get frustrated quickly whihc can lead to anger.

also....

Therefore i think alot that this could be why the therapy + medication approach to my “depression” over the last 20 years hasnt really worked.

if the problem is the “adhd brain,” then trying to make me “happier” by

giving me drugs to increase serotonin and/or dopamine and norepinephrine to supposedly make me happy

encouraging me to relax and then use my rationality to realise what the real problem is

think about what made upset as a child and how that influenced me as an adult,

do cbt to focus on the realy problem

isnt going to work.

because even if i feel happier or think rationally, i still dont get over the hump and do what i need to do or become less frustrated because the “adhd” brain stops me from doing the rational thing even if i know what it is and im relaxed.

maybe thats why when i do exercise i feel good at the time because my minds off the problem but the problem hasnt gone away and when i come back from a run its still there and even i feel ok after a run i still cant deal with it so i feel just as crap as before after ive had a shower!

but then: the issues...

So the issue i have is that it seems too good to be true - is this the reason i am so bad at getting stuff done and i become so rude?

take the last few days, when i snapped at the mrs over little things, including: whether she really understood or meant it when she said having a bath has the same affect as running which supposedly has an antidepressent affect due to increase in dopamine or something. or when i got annoyed when i asked her whether she asked the wall painter guy to come at 8am and she said “i sent him a message” instead of saying what was in the message was can you come at 8am.

The issues therefore are:

is it ok to blame it all (or most of it) on me having an “adhd brain? it seems like it is the main problem but is that a cop out?

one sec, how do i know i have an “adhd brain” - i haven’t been diagnosed, so should i be? is there a real accurate diagnosis u can get anyway. and will i get it done considering my main problem is putting things off!?

even if i am diagnosed and it seems this is the main problem, what the fuck do we do now? can i actually get over the hump and get things done and not be rude when im stressed?

how bad can i be, considering i still get things done ok.

like, i invited a kid over yesterday who we met in the park on shabbat and whose mum is a psychologist who speciallises in adhd among other things and is into DBT and hypnotherapy and a but of mindfulness and her husband has been diagnosed with adhd. she said she thought our apartment is very neat and i told her ivebeen at home alot the last few weeks. and she was suprised cos her husbanad never does things like clearing up (and i used to do alot less when i didnt have kids so have i somehow improved or was it just out of neccesity? although now i clean the floor alot but is it cos i love the dyson?)

One other thing...

I was thinknig something else. (dont worry its connected).

it seems is that i leave everything to the last minute but when i do that with something i actually need to do, then i usually have a plan of how it can get done, so i set a deadline and work out exactly what needs to be done when and assume that is the only way that it can be done.

then when i need other people to do things to help me get it done, i most probably havent told them about their role in advance and then i get annoyed and frustrated when they dont do exactly what i need them to do as quickly as possible, when really, they didnt know i expected to do that, and anyway they might have a different idea of how to get this thing done,but im totally convinced my way is not only the best way but the only way! so i get annoyed and hurry them up and then get worried that we’re not going to do the thing on time and that will be a disaster and i almost implode.

this can be for anything - a good example is leaving on time for shul so we get to the children service to (although get the kids up and ready and out the house in the morning or getting them to bed before it becomes “too late” are also perfect examples).

when i decide we should go to shul cos otherwise shabbat is just a long nothing cos we wont drive, and theres no point going to shul if we’re going to miss the chjildrens service at 10 because we dont do anything else when we are there apart from play, then it all becomes a rush. but at the same time, the mrs doesnt know im thinking that, cos some weeks im less urgent, the kids dont really understand time and dont care as long as they get to wear their nice dresses, and im all rushing and angry and frustrated.

see what i mean.

anyway better get the girls up - mrs has already gone to work cos we have littleruns chanuka party at gan today. (fucking hell planning how we are all ggoing to get there on time was a headfuck - believe me. although we’ve done it!)

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viralhottopics · 7 years

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After 5 Years Of Relying On Medication, I Can Finally Sleep

Its been a long time since Ive written anything. And while my intentions were to blog every fortnight, this post has been extremely tough to write. For once I found it quite difficult to articulate my feelings and experiences, because of the personal nature of what I’m about to tell you.

A few weeks ago, I found myself chatting to one of my new friends, who is also an amazing business coach and mentor. He asked me how things were going aside from business, how are you feeling, just in general?. I thought about it and said, did you know, this is the first time in five years that Ive been able to sleep without taking a pill?

Insomnia has been affecting my ability to sleep properly since late 2010. It was kicked off by a freak hockey ball to the head incident, which then transpired into mental health problems (thanks, brain). Around 1 in 3 people have or have had some degree of insomnia in their lives. For an unlucky few (like me) insomnia is/was chronic. If youre one of them and are reading this, know that its okay, there IS a way out.

Back in 2010 I got a wild smack to the forehead from a fast flying hockey ball, I was briefly knocked out and I opened my eyes not even realizing what had happened, but bizarrely, I was laughing! It wasnt until I felt the huge lump on my head that it suddenly hit me (hah, pun intended). Soon after this, I had developed intense trouble sleeping and experienced extreme headaches and photophobia.

In my traditional headstrong fashion I refused to go to the doctor, that was a bad decision. Months later things seemed to be getting worse in my head space. After seeing a bunch of specialists and getting an MRI and all that, it was concluded that I had Post Concussion Syndrome (a minor form of traumatic brain injury).

Because of this, my health took a drastic downward spiral. I was lethargic, had constant headaches, was depressed, irritated, and slightly delusional. The doctors prescribed me dozens of painkillers to cope. I was studying a BMA at the time, and working so I could afford to live out of home and life spun out of my control. The brain does crazy things when it experiences trauma, and for a long long time I was not myself.

I was enrolled in a national head injury study. They interviewed me about the events and my experiences, then they interviewed some of my friends and family. Every six months my reaction time and short-term memory were tested, as well as my mood and general quality of life. It took almost two years for me to get back to normal. I dont know why it was such a long time, perhaps some people are more susceptible to these kinds of things. A lot of people in my family battle with mental illnesses. But even when I was feeling better, I still had to rely on medication to sleep.

Luckily for me, my doctors had refused to give me traditional sleeping pills such as Zopiclone, because of their addictive qualities. That was fine by me, I never intended to be stuck taking pills before bed. But no matter how hard I tried, I couldnt survive without them. At first it was Amitriptyline, a drug in high doses used to treat depression, but I was on it for headaches and as a muscle relaxant.

Sometime after I finished my degree in late 2012, I changed doctors due to not having access to the medical center on campus. My new doctor tried to wean me off taking the medication, I was all in. But it just didnt work. I went back to him after slowly reducing my intake at his guidance and tried a few months without anything. In mid-2013 I had more responsibility with my job which added some stress, and without any pills before bed I was getting between 1 and 5 hours sleep a night. I got sick a lot, gained a lot of weight, my mood was unstable, and I was quickly becoming very unhappy.

So I went back to my doctor, I was attempting to tell him that I still havent been able to sleep but I sat there crying in his office because I was just so exhausted and frustrated. I just wanted sleep. He recommended putting me through a sleep study and to see a sleep therapist, but this wasnt subsidized and I wasnt financially able to pay for such expensive tests (startup wages, am I right?). So, I opted for the easier just for now option. We tried something new, Quetiapine, an antipsychotic drug which in high doses is used to treat people who are bipolar or schizophrenic. I didnt get a large dose, only small enough to help me sleep. But even then I woke up every morning with a drug hangover and it took me hours every day before I could feel completely awake.

I lived like this for a long time, always having to take a pill before bed. Sometimes that didnt even work. I vividly remember how I felt after a huge hike over NZs Tongariro Crossing and then the 2-hour drive home. I was so tired, so exhausted after that I could hardly eat. I was thinking surely, surely I am this tired I must be able to sleep. But then as soon as my head hit the pillow my mind became awake, overactive and as much as I tried, I couldnt settle it down. A few hours later I begrudgingly got up and gulped down that damn pill, desperate for the relief of sleep.

This is when I started researching sleeping techniques. Over the past year and a half I have tried everything; yoga, meditation, walks in the evening, less coffee, less sugar, evening protein, writing down to-do lists and thoughts in a journal beside my bed, sleep tea, calm tea, chamomile tea, peppermint tea, Chinese herbs, sleep drops, lavender under my pillow, hops under my pillow, sleep apps with meditation, hypnosis, screen dimmers, installing Flux on my computer, melatonin, no screens (mobile, TV, Computer) two hours before bed, non-fictional reading before bed, homeopathy just everything.

Sometimes it would help, Id feel sleepy, try to drift off, then all of a sudden my mind would wake, even though Id be so so physically tired. I didnt know it was possible to feel so exhausted and awake at the same time. So I would carry on using my little pills to sleep and feeling hungover in the morning. I hated it, I never truly felt awake in all that time. And if I ever went somewhere and forgot my pills Id always get restless nights with little or no sleep.

A lot of time went past, living like this. After deciding to leave Hamilton to travel, I ended up in Perth, Australia. By the time I got here my little box of magic sleeping pills from New Zealand had run out. I attempted fate once more and tried to cold turkey my way to sleep. It really wasnt working out for me. The smallest noise, a single thought, any slight disturbance would set me off and my mind would begin racing once more. No matter what I did, I just couldnt sleep. There is nothing worse or more hopeless than the feeling of wanting and needing sleep so badly but you just cant get there and you realize your own mind is the only barrier to falling asleep. I remember thinking, how hopeless am I that I cant even perform the simple human function of sleeping?.

The one good thing that came out of these few weeks was my deep inner search for a reason. I didnt feel like my head injury was the cause of not being able to sleep, it just seemed like some sort of instigator. Im not going to share the details, but what I realized was that I had become afraid of sleep, and everything else was just an excuse.

I ended up seeing a wonderful doctor here who prescribed me some medication to sleep again and referred me to a counselor who specialized in sleep therapy. I gladly took the medication and debated whether I was ready for a counselor. I wanted to overcome my insomnia on my own (I had only just started acknowledging that this is really what I had), but sometimes you cant do everything on your own, sometimes you need to accept that you need a bit of a helping hand. And this is what I did.

The first session with my counselor was amazing. She knew what had happened without me having to say much, she said it and I sat there and cried. I cried as years of pent up emotion and holding back just escaped from me and it was so relieving. Her theory was I had developed an unconscious fear of sleeping because I lose control over myself and have to give in to the environment around me. I didnt feel . Of course, I knew logically that I was safe, but there was a deep fear within me that I had never let go of, a blocked memory; trauma. It had nothing to do with my head injury, that was a catalyst, as well as some other events that happened between then and now.

And so started my road to recovery. I went to the counselor once a fortnight. We didnt just talk about sleeping, we talked about a lot and it was really nice. I finally found an app that helped ease me into the sleeping mind-frame, Pzizz. Every morning within half an hour of waking up I get at least an hour of exercise outside. If not, I try to sit in the sun for 20 minutes or be active in some other way. I dont drink coffee after 3pm and limit myself to two a day (on bad days). I dont have much processed sugar, I write to-do lists every day in my diary so I dont lie in bed and think about everything I have to remember to do tomorrow. My bedroom has become an area for sleep every time I watch something on my laptop in bed it affects the amount and quality of sleep I get, so Ive stopped doing that.

Routines are also very important I do the same thing before bed every night. I also try to stick to the same hours, but Im still learning to sleep so I havent been using an alarm, just trying to slowly get back into the right rhythm. Right now I usually fall asleep between 12am, wake up at about 6, then go back to sleep until 9 or 10. Its not the pattern I love, and I still have many days where some nights are better than others, but Im getting there, Im improving and Im not giving up.

My mood has become better, my skin clearer, Im no longer getting sick every few weeks and my focus levels are at an all-time high. I still have a lot of work to do, but for the first time in over four years I can sleep without medication, and it feels so damn good.