#i literally got broken from doing this

[bittwitchy]

ive been five seconds away from a breakdown every second since the 26th and honestly im gonna keep being five seconds from another breakdown until at least saturday

#at this point im just fuckin confused like #the contradictions the weirdness the feeling like im being set up for failure #the fact that if it does happen thats a p massive betrayal all things xonsidered bc other ppl aint gonna want me now that #i literally got broken from doing this #the other form of betrayal from things i was doing being claimed as promo reasons for others #ive been practicing this thing for the entire time and im 50/50 on if ill fuck it up again on nervousness bc i get so badly nervous #and dont want to disappont which leads to disappointing #also going crom being praised to being insulted to being bashed to learningthe same person was praising u behind ur baxk is like??? #such a weird feeling like idk maybe its my tism but i dont understand #and thats making me freak out more #i already broke a tooth too from clattering out of anxiety so like i can quite literally not afford anything else #ive put off my genetic gum disease treatment too long bc of my last beoken tooth and only bejbg able to afford one #if i lose this i wont ve able to afford anything #and thinking about it makes me break down and cry #but also how am i supposed to do xyz when other lpl will yell at me if i do it #anytime untkl a week after monday nights event #but my deadline is friday #which is why its like im being set up to fail #tbd #im panicking and have been panicking and dont know whag to do and just want to die tvh #ikik how ppl feel abt that sentiment but like im sorry its true thags how i fookin feel idk jow else to put it #other than everything would be easier for me if i stopped existing #and maybe id stop disappointing people #depression cw

[jamieedlund]

March sketch dump 🧙‍♂️✨

#the dragon prince #aaravos #my art #callum #tdp #doodle #callum: when you're a simp for your master but you're also so pretty that you can literally start wars. #I got sick again #so besides slaving away on my thesis #all I had were more brainrot doodles #all of these are glued from different brainrots #I don't think I have the energy for fully rendered illustrations any time soon #but I'll do my best! #I want to post more w/out worrying about the notes #i know i sound like a broken record #but it's pretty discouraging seeing my notes on tumblr lately #hopefully these shows that I love them both very much despite not posting as often 💗 #I'm on the last stretch of my thesis so all of my rendering effort is going to that instead. #hopefully I will finish soon in around june #that's all for now! #rambling in tags feels nice. #I hope everyone is well! #thank you for reading

[dollypopup]

listen, i'll say it

if S3 doesn't give us significantly more Colin scenes, it'll be a failure

Colin is completely underdeveloped as a character. He has gotten just about 0 POV. All we know about him is either filtered through Penelope or in an ensemble scene with everyone else. And at this point, even if S3 is half and half, it still won't be fair. To balance out the discrepency, it should at *least* be 75% Colin and maaaaaaaaybe 25% Pen because we've gotten nothing for him

I ship Polin, I like Pen, but I'm over getting Pen's POV all the time. We've had enough of it. We've certainly had an unfair amount of it in comparison to his. I'm sick of seeing all the Whistledown behind the scenes and all her quiet contemplative moments when Colin doesn't so much as get 5 minutes focused on him being on the boat, or on his travels, writing his letters or talking through a problem to himself.

I love Colin. He's my absolute favorite character. And it sucks to have a favorite character who is *supposed* to be a lead but has had a grand total of nothing. Bton stripped him of character qualities and threw them onto Benedict, gave Colin like 5 lines, and filtered near all his 'development' through Penelope. Aside from his 'everyone says that [I'm Daphne's favorite]', our literal second scene of Colin is through Penelope's eyes. Everything he says, everything he does: it's always through Penelope's eyes. And I'm over it. I wanna see the world through *Colin's* eyes. And it would only deepen the narrative if we do.

Listen, the directors and showrunners have called Colin 'stupid' or 'dim' or 'not smart enough for Penelope'. The fandom has been rather blatant with their disregard of him, calling him boring, that he's not leading man material, writing him as a cardboard cutout in fics, assuming he's an empty charmer (hmmmm, just like what he's upset about in the books), and it's all because he's been denied a narrative. Colin is a rich, nuanced character. He's funny, he's kind, he's compassionate, he rejects toxic masculinity, he's got imposter syndrome like nothing else, he has a very unique role in his family and experienced a very unique perspective after his father died, he has hobbies (writing, boxing, fencing, studying, traveling) and strong values. But we've barely gotten any of it. Sure, we're *told* some things about him, but we never *see* it.

So if S3 is going to be his time to shine, his season, his falling arse over elbow in love era, they *have* to give us his perspective, and I don't fucking want it all to be his perspective about Pen. I am *tired* of Colin as an extension of Penelope. Penelope has had so much room and time and care to be a character on her own. Colin has gotten nothing. And that kind of dynamic does not a good love story make. And if all that underdevelopment wasn't to pull an Uno Reverse on us and give us a season that focuses on him and builds him up, what was it even for?

S3 should be Colin's story

#polin #bridgerton #colin bridgerton #penelope featherington #bridgerton season 3 #yeah yeah penelope's a fan favorite #i wonder why #maybe it's because she has the lions share of scenes and development compared to literally every other character #and i get it: she's a main #but so is colin #why do constantly have to undermine him in order to prop her up? #did we *really* need all those 'pen writes LW' scenes when we haven't even seen Colin in Greece? or gotten him writing letters on the boat? #did we need all that unnecessary backstory when the only scene we got of him processing his broken engagement on his own was him in bed #for 30 seconds? #do we really need to center penelope's point of view for every single aspect of their relationship? #colin is supposed to be falling in love in season 3 too #give us his fucking perspective!!!! *show us* who he is #what he wants and values #AND we'll finally get Penelope from someone else's eyes. . .who ISN'T Penelope #how can you NOT want Colin pov??? #the writing has failed him *and* us because we don't even fucking have POLIN right now #we have Penelope and a sexy lamp she throws her romantic feelings and frustrations and expectations onto #and before the 'bton is aimed at a specific audience' bit (namely women) #some of us wlw (who often find ourselves relating to the male love lead *because* we both love women) also deserve a slice of the story #it's not just you straight girls out here #and as a wlw? right now the fanon version of penelope is the kind of woman i'd run crying and screaming from

[gingerswagfreckles]

the way everyone on this site just assumes all atheists r ex-christians is really fucking gross lol. and frankly just goes to show how christian-centric 99% of you still are.

#atheism #atheist #agnostic #agnostisizm #judaism #like 70% of jews r athiests u ignorant dicks lol. and like 80% of athiest philosophers r jewish #tho major atheist thinkers come from every culture and religion that exists. fucking obviously. u narrow minded idiots?? #atheists and agnostics and rational thinkers come from all kinds of religious backgrounds its literally the oldest worldview #a lot older than any religion lol #like why do u think everyone who doesnt think like u has to be a broken version of what u already are. shut up shut up shut UPPPP #none of u know 1 single thing about history or science or culture or anthropology and it fucking shoooows #~culturally christian~ for the love of fuck please stop using this term none of u know what it means #sorry i got hatemail #gingerswagfreckles #jewish history

[toddtakefive]

btw todd’s reluctance to join the dps because he doesn’t want to read (which is then accommodated for) and is scared to put himself out there (which is also worked through) being read as todd not wanting to go AT ALL, and thus neil making the proper accommodations (“todd anderson, who prefers not to read, will keep the minutes of the meetings”) and encouraging him to step out of the box that stifles him being seen as ‘forceful’ or like he can’t take no for an answer makes me insane with rage

#and him trying to stop neil from asking if todd not reading at the meetings is okay isn’t him wanting not to go #its him not wanting neil to ask because (as someone with social anxiety) it’s EMBARRASSING ASF for someone to ask for things on your behalf #literally just think about it as the meme of ‘when i tell my friend im hungry and he tells his mom that *i* want food instead of both of us’ #and the whole ‘neil not knowing how to take no for an answer’ thing…… dont get me fucking started #the kid who’s had to take no for an answer his whole life? the kid whose first proper scene IS him taking no for an answer? are you serious? #being encouraging and accommodating and (admittedly) a little pushy when he’s got his mind set on something— #—is NAWT the same as not being able to take no for an answer or bulldozing through conversations with people #he and todd DO listen to each other in those conversations theyre just on opposing sides— #—because their understandings of the world don’t fully align at that point in time/the movie #which is totally fucking normal?????? because later on they DO properly align????????? #i feel so crazy about this every time i see someone say todd didn’t want to go the dead poets meetings because it’s so obvious he DID #he was just scared #and you know what maybe it IS a little forceful #but given how dedicated todd is to shutting off and hating and isolating himself he NEEDS a little forceful to be broken through to #if no one ever pushed me to do things when i was scared (as irritated as it can make me) i’d never do SHIT dude #and obviously todd is the same way because he ALL BUT OUTRIGHT SAYS AS MUCH #‘i appreciate this concern but i’m not like you’ IS about neil’s voice and opinions mattering to people but it’s ALSO about— #—him being outgoing and trying new things and putting himself out there #WHICH TODD WANTS TO BE ABLE TO DO!!!!!!!! #the moral you take away from todds growth is NOT that he has to change to be accepted because he DOESNT #its that he has to gain the confidence and belief in himself to grow and become the version of himself he WANTS to be #he NEVER changes on a fundamental level to make others happy (although his growth does make others happy) he just opens up more #and i dont know WHY some people think his arc is becoming a completely different person #like yall PLEASE #this isnt even an anderperry thing this is an issue even if you read them completely platonic #i blame the FUCKASS novelization…. dps book you will always be hated by ME #dps #dead poets society #neil perry #todd anderson

[reel-fear]

Hey if anyone wants to check out Moving Pictures Redrawn [a fan-made remake of the first chapter of BATIM that Mike n Meatly may have ordered to be taken down? It's unsure at the moment] Guess who downloaded a copy before they did that~

#batim #batdr #bendy and the ink machine #bendy and the dark revival #honestly if they did order the take down um lmao tbh #I guess Id do the same it must be embarrassing for a fan to make a better game than you did literally improved your damn #flagship title bc it fucking sucks #but yeah in the name of preserving this piece of art this person mustve spent forever making hmu if u wanna download it <3<3 #its genuinely so cool I hope it turns out someone was posing as the bendy devs bc like this is so awesome #to have it taken down just feels so shitty #idc if its just a better batim if I could fucking sue Meatly n Mike for selling me a piece of shit of a game #thats not fun to play buggy as hell and has some of the worst storytelling ive ever seen #then took this down bc actually we cant let ppl play chapter 1 for free anymore ugh its just salt in the wound of how shitty they r #this remake is so cool I cant believe I got it to run on my computer #the way they redesigned the general areas is so damn cool too this is genuinely such an improvement and meatly n mike should be fucking #begging on their knees for the fans to forgive them if they did take this down fuck them so so much #mike literally has flaunted his fucking wealth in the past do we really think he needs the extra 20 bucks from some poor soul #buying his elaborate scam of a game that has a broken save system really? Does he need that money? No the fuck he doesnt #ramblez

[tariah23]

Noooo…… first it’s Yuuta and Shoko, now they’re yo-yoing back around to Megumi.

#no they’re bashing megumi even more than ever now…. sometimes some characters aren’t built for all of THIS AND ITS OKAY #he’s forever traumatized bro he just lost his sister in front of his eyes and his body was the one that killed her #same situation with Gojo who took care of his sister and he from when they was toddlers and up #megumi doesn’t want to live anymore and yuuji has already tried getting through to him he’s completely broken and even if he’s saved megumi #might not ever be the same #I feel like fans keep on forgetting that these are kids going through all of this stuff that even some of the hardest adults wouldn’t be #able to handle #they bash him but a lot of these same ppl forget what happened to getou and love him unconditionally #they’d say “’well other characters have lost a lot as well and they’re still trying!’ and I just have to #restate that again; simply not every character is built like some hard boiled shounen badass jjk is not the usual shounen that a lot of #fans still refuse to see tbh like it’s kind of built different 🗿 #it’s core genres are literally horror/psychological horror like no one if gonna be bouncing back like Naruto bro #and in Naruto’s case he never got to see anyone precious to him die in front of him #who knows what Naruto would’ve went through if sasuke was killed in front of him #but then again #Naruto was already a crazy ass #he vowed to kill sasuke and die with him so nvm #but megumi ISNT crazy like that that’s the difference ajsjsjsj #he’s always been one of the more rational characters amongst his peers #he’s so normal!!! everyone else is fucked up or got larger personalities than he does #maybe ppl are pissed off at the fact that megumi simply isn’t fighting back… it’s frustrating but he’s in pain bro #I don’t see him making it out alive at all either if I’m being real #Yuuji might be one of the only characters to survive at this rate I doubt Yuuta is even going to pull through after the techniques 5 min #are up either… #rambling #the point it…… as sad as it may sound all of the characters fighting so hard now are doing so because they simply have to #Sukuna is literally a calamity and these are the only characters left who will even stand any chance against such a great entity #they don’t have much of a choice man #Gojo tried to prepare his students for the future so that they’ll be strong enough to fight back anything together. not alone #Everyone is doing what they can now

[aceofstars16]

It’s 7:30 in the morning and I’m exhausted but I don’t know if I’ll be able to fall asleep again any time soon….

It’s like I was *just* starting to heal from having my heart and trust shattered 3 years ago, and now it’s happening all again, only this time I don’t have the church to go to for comfort/prayer/encouragement. And instead of a friendship I had for 2-3 years, it’s a church I’ve been going to for TWENTY TWO YEARS

I feel like I’m living in the twilight zone, this can’t actually be happening, right?

(I’m not okay, I keep crying and I just want to wake up from this nightmare)

#I don’t even know what to tag this as I just can’t #I was literally just telling my counselor that I feel like I’ve never had the ‘years of plenty’ #only the suffering and trials…and now this happens to seem to confirm that #and it doesn’t help that I was already having trouble trusting the leader after last year #and now it’s like a big ‘I told you’ from my brain which isn’t gonna help me trust anyone in the future #I was already having a hard time taking chances and trying to trust again ans NOW THIS #I know I should at least try to sleep again I just…I don’t even know anymore #I’m not even gonna tag this as any normal stuff tbh #how about just #aceo get her heart broken again #not to mention I’m terrified I’m going to fallback into the numb empty depression pit I only just kind of got out of #and faith? bro I understand how people left the church or faith cause it is HARD to differentiate between the church and God #I’m still trying to pray and stuff I just feel so empty and I can’t do this again #it doesn’t help that the church claimed that they felt ‘lead’ to this crappy situation whatever THAT means #I only heard it second hand tbh…I just…can this stop please? can this all just be a horrible dream that I wake up from? please

[capelizabeth]

taylor’s worst sin MUSICALLY is putting the best songs on the deluxe edition because from the bottom of my heart what the FUCK was that???????

#taylor swift #the tortured poets department #jack antonoff when i catch you jack antonoff #get AWAY from her #they’re not doing anything interesting together anymore #like i was listening to the regular version and it was like this is goddamn elevator music #like god this might be worse than midnights even #the only songs that stuck out to me were loml and the smallest man who ever lived #i can do it with a broken heart was pretty fun and i did like the florence feature #but daddy i love him is quite literally one of her worst songs ever i’m so serious #not just bc it’s about ratty healy it’s so bad #i was giving the album maybe a 6.5/10 then i got to the 2am tracks #with loml and tsmwel rating a lot higher but still #but god aaron CARRIED these 2am tracks #the theme is still there but it’s like a completely different album it’s so much better #why is it like this???? #who’s idea was this???? #bc the main album kinda sucks #jack antonoff ur dead to me #i need relisten and get some sleep before i have a ranking #bc rn i do think the 3am tracks did fall off a get a little dreary towards the end #anyway it’s 3am i need to go to bed #ellie chats

[deadcrowcalling]

me remembering exams start next week

#they start on a MONDAY #in first period like bruh #at least give me a day to mentally prepare myself #and because of how the exam schedule is set this year i've got to do MATH first thing in the morning #bro it's gonna be like 8:00 AM #and i'm gonna have to do math #i'm literally like a few years away from being an adult and i still don't know my 7's and 8's times tables #like i know 1-6 but that's it bro #how am i supposed to do math at 8 in the morning broo 😭 #i am NOT finding the area of that shape fuck you #i want to be asleep in my bed not drawing triangles with the old broken protractors #i am not fixing to do math that early in the morning i'm sorry im not #it is 8 AM BRO i want a BAGEL and to watch reruns of FRIENDS while im half awake #not doing MATH #FUCK MATH BROO #i hate math #im yapping im sorry #yap yap yap #i hate math so much #i'm dropping out istg #but i cant #gotta finish the end of year exams for neil 😔 #do it for neil guys #gays can't do math #i sure can't #wheres cameron when you need him #can bro come do my homework #at least help me do it pls #that's all i ask #wheres a smart ginger kid when you need em

[beeholyshit]

"The Moon looks beautiful tonight doesn't It....?"

#(🚂) *⁠.⁠✧ — Valentine Grantz #(♡⁠) ｡⁠.ﾟ—⁠ Eli Clark #taking a little break from my project to talk about them bc my brain is FRIED and my back is BROKEN #just gotta say. ehem #THANK YOU SO MUCH MILO FOR THIS BEAUTIFUL ART OMFG I LITERALLY WOKE UP AND SAW THIS WITH MY EYES ALMOST CLOSED. STILL ASLEEP AND JUMPED #MAN IT GOT ME SO EXCITED ALL DAY. THINKING ABOUT THE MOMENT TO POST IT #I'M SO PROUD OF U MAN. THE SHADONG IT'S SO SOFT AND BEAUTIFUL #AND. I ALREADY SAID IT. BUT IDC. YOU DRAW VALENTINE SO HANDSOME MAN #THW HAIR LOOKS SO BEAUTIFUL AND HIS FAAAAACEEEE. HIS EEYEEEESSSS #man you did so much justice to him THANK YOU SO NUCH I'M SO GRATEFUL #eli..... omfg #he looks so sweet and cute... that little smile of his ARGH #I LOVE HOW HIS HAIR IS POKES THROUGH THE ROBE AND THE #WHAT IS IT CALLED #MY ENGLISH IS FAILING ME #DAMN IT #YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN. #BUT HE LOOKS SO CUTE ARGGHHH I wanna kiss him so bad I need to k #the way he holds his hand.... looking at the moon #oh gosh you knew exactly what to do I'm so. #gotta make a confession but #I completly fell in love with Eli the moment we were watching stageplay and he went to visit Aesop to talk to him and. watch. thw. mmmmmmoon #AGRHHRGGRHGRVRVRHHR #I'm not a hater I'm just #I love him so much it makes my brain hurt #now gotta continue with this thing #I'll talk more about them tomorrow #ARRGGHH #THANK YOU SO MUCH AGAIN MIWO #🩵 — Milo!!!

[jemmo]

i can’t tell you how much i usually hate these ignoring, distancing plots in shows and how much i absolutely adore everything about these 2 episodes of the eighth sense. like im not having a good time, and it’s fantastic.

bc the thing is, in all of this, i can’t see the right way to go, i can’t find the person to blame, i can’t find the way to make it better. I can’t single out a single moment or a thing someone did and say “this is why everything went wrong”. it’s just this coming together and rise and swell of things happening and people feeling things that has us ending up here and it feels beautifully and horribly organic bc we can’t find that point where it all went wrong. was it on that rooftop? was it at the beach? was it when they first met? was it when his brother died? was it when he was born into this family? there is no single point. it’s all of them and it’s none of them. there is truly nothing and no one to blame. and there are bad characters in the show, people you can hate, eunji and taehyung, but neither of them are to blame for any of the bad stuff that happens in the show. you’re not waiting for them to be taken down bc that doesn’t solve anything. instead, it’s just two people hurting, and not knowing how to make it better.

bc you take jaewon, and after what he says at the end of ep 8, you want to hate him, you want to be so angry at him for what he says, for how he acts, how dismissive and hurtful he is, and yet you’ve been made to understand 100% why, and not just in a “i get it but that wasn’t the right thing to do” way, in a “that was horrible and yet i know he doesn’t see any other way to handle this” way. like you don’t see this as a misstep, or a step to far, bc you know for him, in his state of mind, it is completely justified, it’s necessary. bc it not only punishes the person he blames for all of this, himself, but he sees it as a way to protect jihyun. and not even in a cliche “bad things happen when people around me, the people I love always get hurt” kinda way, but more so in that he sees that he is a scared, messy, struggling person that doesn’t know how to handle himself, and doesn’t want to inflict that on anyone, let alone the person he cares about. so what’s worse, a quick, swift blow that hurts but cuts everything off cleanly, or this prolonged relationship where he inevitably continues to weigh jihyun down with the weight of his trauma, and take it out on him. what’s the point of having a place of refuge when you ruin it more and more every time you depend on it, until it eventually can’t offer you comfort. it’s a lesser of two evils, jaewon’s choice is obvious to him.

but then you take jihyun. and we talk about masks and fronts but we never once question whether jihyun wears a mask bc he appears so sweet and innocent and naive, what can this boy possibly be putting up a front for. but i see it, this almost fake it till you make it confidence front that yes is becoming more natural. but my god just think about what he’s gone through for a second. think about it. left home for the first time in his life, moved to an unfamiliar and intimidating city with only one other person he knows, started a new job, started university, tried to build relationships, met a man that intrigues him, and perused him only to be kissed and then ignored, then maybe establish something tentative, only to then see him spiral, go on a trip where he shared his trauma, you have an intimate night together only to almost die, and then be not only ignored, but plain and simple rejected and pushed away. like… you can say all you want about jihyun growing as a person and having more courage, but no amount of growth for however many months this has been going on for can prepare you for that. for the mixed messages on steroids. for the back and forth, not knowing. to give yourself to someone like that and go through something traumatic and then be abandoned by that person. we get it, bc we see all of jaewon’s story. but apart from what jaewon shared at the beach, jihyun doesn’t know any more than that. he doesn’t know about therapy, about how his father acts towards him, about the extent of his trauma and how it manifests and affects his mental health, and how he is struggling every single day. and you can’t expect him to know the depths of that no matter how empathetic and connected he is, how much he cares about jaewon, he can’t be superhuman. and so you get why he pushes and fights for jaewon. like… he is in love. it’s clear. he’s fallen in love with him. he is this wide-eyed, open kid that fell in love with a senior. and jaewon has just messed with his head, he’s never been clear, and you can’t expect jihyun to just get past that bc he knows something is up with jaewon. he can’t know the full story, but even if he did, that can’t be a reason or a justification to be treated the way jaewon treats him. bc we’re all about jaewon putting himself first and doing what he wants and respecting himself like that, but jihyun deserves that too. and it’s such a fine line to tread when you know someone is going through something, bc again you understand why, but you’re still the one being treated that way. like we talk about jaewon’s trauma, but here jihyun was part of it, he went through that traumatic experience. he’s the one that nearly lost his life. and yes, he appears to handle it well, and no matter to what extent that’s true or not, you can’t not look at jaewon struggling and understand it and then not look at jihyun with that same understanding. it’s not about comparing trauma and pain and deciding who is suffering more, it’s seeing that there are two people in this, and they’ve both been affected, so we should give them the same level of understanding.

and that’s something jaewon has to see. that his self-preservation is selfish. that his destructive behavior doesn’t just affect jihyun, instead it feels pointed and directed, bc every way jaewon hurts himself hurts jihyun. and it comes bc jihyun was so much of what was good about jaewon’s life for a second, so attacking that is his only form of self-sabotage. he can’t mess up his relationship with his friends or parents bc they were broken in the first place, and he can’t sabotage his future bc it’s already been ruined the moment he didn’t pursue his photography major. him nearly getting kicked out of school affected him so little not just bc he wanted that punishment, but bc even that punishment meant so little to him. all these things are established and they already contribute to his suffering. removing jihyun from his life is the only active thing he can do to make himself feel worse, and he can veil it in an act of protection, and even feel like he’s doing the right thing, but that deceives them both into believing this is done from a good place, when no good can actually come of it. in trying to protect jihyun, you hurt him more. in trying to hurt yourself, you hurt him too. and when someone is in a headspace like jaewon is, you look for that thing that’ll break through. bc he is so distant, he’s trying to remove himself from reality, and jihyun needs to act as this person that can anchor him to it. when you’re trying to isolate and separate yourself, sometimes seeing that you still affect things, that there’s a persons that exists that is affected and hurt by your actions, and no matter how you try to cut yourself off, you cannot stop that, separating yourself still hurts them, maybe that’s a thing that can get through. but that’s something that depends on jaewon. ultimately, he’s the only one that can get himself out of this place, and that’s what makes it so hard, that no matter how much jihyun cares and how much he fights for him, nothing can come of that effort is jaewon doesn’t meet him there. and it’d be so easy for jihyun to give in, to take the hurt, but over the course of this show we’ve seen the strength jihyun has developed, which has only seemed to increase more so after the accident, call it a renewed vigor for life or something. he has the strength that jaewon doesn’t, to not let his pain consume him. and in a beautiful full-circle moment, it’s because of jaewon, bc when they first spoke he sparked in jihyun a want to be stronger, to be more than the country mouse, and he’s done it. and it’s that courage that means he can fight for jaewon, even in the face of rejection. he trusts himself and that he knows jaewon, the real jaewon, to see past words that are intended to hurt them both, and go after the person that’s still inside jaewon somewhere. no, he can’t do it for him, and no them being together is not some magical cure for jaewon, but it’s what can put him on a path of caring for himself again, and sometimes that has to start with caring about someone else (and suddenly I’m reminded of my beautiful man 2 and how kiyoi tries to break hira out of his worthless mindset by making him care about him, and how ultimately that can’t be enough, and that hira has to take those first steps of seeing his self worth by himself). what jihyun can do by fighting is again act as that tether to reality and try to be this representation of the good jaewon can be and do. bc look at jihyun, look at how confident and strong he has become, and look at how he got there, bc you saw that country mouse and gave him the time of day and helped him grow and gave him new experiences. you jaewon, you. and that shift in mindset, from jihyun representing hurt and the accident and the trauma of his brother and everything he can’t do, to being that light and refuge and everything he can do is again something that might breaks through. and the fact it has such narrative strength and satisfaction makes me hopeful that that’s what we might actually get.

#I did a rant #I’ve done a lot of rants actually they’re all just sitting in my notes bc they all got a little too much #my thoughts are a literal mess and I am still struggling to put them in all the right words #mostly bc the way jaewon is behaving and not to be too overinvolved is very reminiscent of *me* #and so watching him shut down and remove himself knowing it’s something i do is hard and frustrating #and I did a whole rant about it but I realised I need to separate myself from the character to be able to talk about it #so yeah #I really wanted to bring up jihyun tho #bc he presents as so strong in these two eps but you cannot argue against what he’s been through and the effect that would have on anyone #and try to see it from a perspective where we don’t know what jaewon is going through and just see his actions and realise how much he has #messed with jihyun again not at all on purpose but that 1000 to nothing jihyun went through from the trip to the accident and it’s aftermath #that’s a fucking lot #and it’s interesting that we talk so much about people putting themselves first and not putting up with shit #like I think of simon from young royals and how we celebrate him saying no to being willhelms secret as an act of self-respect #but bc we understand and empathise so much with what jaewon is going through it’s hard to make yourself even consider jihyun #but when you do see it from his side you realise it’s a lot for him too #and that you wouldn’t hate him or misunderstand him if he was mad at jaewon #and with *spoliers* is there only so much he can take of jaewon’s self sabotage hurting him until even he and his developed strength and #confidence is broken by it #he can only keep fighting for jaewon for so long and idk if it’s gonna be a case of jaewon coming round too little too late #but I just hope this isn’t easy which sounds mean I don’t want either of them to suffer more #but this isn’t a kiss and get back together and all is good #I think jaewon needs to see the bad he’s caused #bc it’s only by owning up to that that he can ground himself in the moment and see that he’s part of this world and can’t separate himself #from it and jihyun also needs to realise that no matter his headspace jaewon does want space and when someone is self sabotaging you still #have to listen and respect what they’re saying distance means distance and as much as you want to fight against it you can’t be responsible #for making it work #agh I need to stop rambling bc it’s so messy and complex and I just absolutely ADORE the level to which this situation has so many emotional #moving parts and how ultimately blameless they both are and how it makes it so much harder to see a way out it’s fantastic #the eighth sense

[britneyshakespeare]

i hate that i've been complaining about everything in my life lately but if you're a frequent reader of my personal posts (side note, if you are: why. also i'm sorry) but if you remember earlier this week on tuesday i slipped outside and hurt my knee. i didn't end up seeing a doctor about that bc they literally had no openings when i talked to the secretary she was like i am so sorry sweetie. we can't take you for the rest of the week and i was like oh. and after a couple days it didn't hurt sooooo much although i think the limp ive been walking w has not been doing me any favors. but now today especially (? for some reason) BOTH of my legs were really hurting. i'm wondering if that might somehow be related to me getting my period today bc sometimes. you know how period pain can just end up wherever it wants. but then around 8 o'clock today i stubbed the SHIT out of one of my toes and i think i might have injured it (? i dont think it's broken but i cant stand on it and it's been hours). this is my left foot and the knee i hurt on tuesday was on my right leg. i am literally limping on both sides of my body now and i cant stand or walk.

#shout out to me being irritable with my family. sowwyyyyyy #EVERYTHING HURTS WHEN I TRY TO MOVE FROM PLACE TO PLACE #i dont know if i can handle seeing people tomorrow and it's Literally Christmas #i told kaily i wanted her to carry me to my bed earlier like im a little kid who fell asleep in the car and she said no :( #sisters are USELESS #tales from diana #menstruation cw #injury cw #maybe i shouldve gone to urgent care or the er about my knee earlier this week #i was starting to think i didnt seriously injure it but now im having doubts? or maybe i walked on it too much yesterday #i really was doing WAY too much walking yesterday but i kinda couldnt help it #my adhd body Wants To Move all the time even when i know i should be taking it easy #thats always been a problem w me whenever ive needed to limit my exertion. i just want to wander and fidget #i have a hard time staying still it makes me feel insanely unhappy #theres no better way to describe it #but i cant. move. now. sooooo #i dont know if i mightve broken my toe or not but its kinda swollen #how common is it to break a toe really? theyve got. theyve got a lot of little tiny bones #i dont know id think its more common to break a toe if you crushed it under something #i stubbed it. REALLY hard. like harder than even a normal really bad toe-stubbing. #i dont know. i dont know. i dont know. #can i have a wheelchair for christmas just for like a week at least #and get someone to carry me up and down the stairs?

[spinoff-antithesis]

(muth being music theory!)

#FUCK IT MY OWN EDITION OF THE ODDLY SPECIFIC POLLS BC THESE ARE FUN #me when i've been obsessed with space/time stuff since i was a KID its more an interest than hyperfixation rn but man. #media with any of those?? i am OBSESSED (star wars rottmnt movie etc etc) like i hyperfixated on dr who for a year in middle school #the skateboard one is so funny. in high school my guard instructor saw me with a friend's pennyboard & immediately said no. #me when i was notoriously clumsy in middle + high school so everyone i knew was like. “this is a bad idea” when i did anything #my first semester of college i bought a longboard off someone then 5months later i turned around & ate SHIT it was so funny in retrospect #anyway fun sage lore i have only ever heavily injured the left side of my body. my knee + elbow and the SAME FUCKING TOOTH. TWICE. #also i have a high pain tolerance. like idk how or when but in middle school it just got Really Strong. me when i injure myself and just #live with it for a year before it becomes a concern and i get told to get an xray (i will live with a fractured knee the rest of my life) #also when i fell off my skateboard and ate shit my first concern was “ah fuck my glasses did i break my nose” and #“nah my elbow isnt broken! my arm is just rly sore from how i landed on it” (readers. it was in fact fractured.) #like i literally went “no im fine we dont need to tell my mom or go to the er” and my friends said “call your mom and go to the er” #me spitting out my tooth and blood bc i also busted my lip: that hurt. time to hobble back to my dorm. #anyway hiding this one in the tags bc i will never not just ignore my issues LMAO did it with my ptsd dx and i will continue to do it #another incredibly hyperspecific thing: oh this doesnt seem normal! im gonna ignore it and hope it goes away #these symptoms match up to something? nah i'm sure it's not that! (proceeds to get dx'd with ptsd five months later)

[tricoufamily]

i need them to show a project rene sim tomorrow i can't stand the look of ts4 right now i'm gonna kms at their hq i mean it

#i think when those big leaks happened was when i was gone from simblr i never got to talk about it #obviously the reused assets from ts4 aren't final the camera was at a really weird position it's a long time before release etc but #i just need a real lighting system. that's literally all this is about #i can't open the game right now i just hate it so much #also sims 4 is just never going to be a great game lmao. which is why i think it's really funny when people are like #'ummmmm why horses why not fix the base game' bc they can't. it's literally unfixable. bc it sucks. #i'm reusing the metaphor from when i talked about my old story the foundation is irreparably broken #adding cars and fixing dine out ain't gonna do anything #just give me real lights i swear to god

[wall-e-gorl]

just finished the last step of decluttering my room 💪why did i have so much stuff 💪

#i started this project like #3 weeks ago? #all i wanted was a spot to put new books because of the b&n opening up in town #and that lead to me spending... so much time in clearing out cluttered spaces #and so much money in getting another bookshelf AND a more functional dresser AND a hamper/hanging rack #my sister got my old one its not broken it was just literally collecting dust and junk in the corner. i wasnt using it #new dresser will be coming in this week so i had to get it done #i took out...... maybe 5? 6? full trashbags of just stuff i didnt need and clothes i never wore #i found things from a decade ago. theyre gone now #spring cleaning came early i guess #i dont know if ive got hoarding tendacies or if i just. put things in boxes and forgot about them. but i gotta do better about that #ANYWAY my room is clean now and ive done minimal rearranging but the stuff i did move has made A Difference #this is both better for my brain and better for when we move out in the ??? future #less stuff to sort and pack