#i love june cus people can see me for a whole month

[theghostofalittlevictorianchild]

lesbian visibility week is over, see y’all in june.

#wlw #lesbian #lgbtqia #i love june cus people can see me for a whole month #lesbian visibility week #pride month

[accio-victuuri]

A Love Story in 3 parts.

Disclaimer : Everything is fake. Or is it? 👀

Why the month of June is always very interesting. basically an excuse to try making a timeline of 1 month spanning three years before I attempt to do the 2017-2020 timeline. the keyword there is ATTEMPT.

﹌﹌Part I:  June 2018 ﹌﹌

This is a popular guess on the month that they actually got together— as far as acknowledging that they’re NOT bros. Keep in mind that these two supposedly first met on 3/14/2017 with no interactions or even eye contact ( as per Web). After that, they meet again 4/2018 as CQL started shooting. 

That’s two months of interaction. We have different timelines in our head with them, so you can interpret this as A.) they hit it off really quickly that’s why it only took a little time for their feelings to go THERE. B.) they are lying liars who lie and have been in contact from 2017-2018.

• 6.2.2018 - Shooting of LWJ and WWX in the rain.  • 6.3.2018 - Produce 101 Performance! Yes, the same one where GG was a mentor and they acted like they didn’t know each other. Famous for moments such as:

Glancing at each other even if separated by people. +  Sharing an earpiece. GG smiling while watching Web Dance.

Here is the whole episode 

• 6.3.2018 - TTXS episode airing where Web gives love clues, where he says it depends on how he feels. Also that when he’s 40, he wants a kid and a dog. 

• 6.9.2018 - GG’s interview with him showing how much of a Libra he is. 

• 6.10.2018 - TTXS episode airing where Cheng Xiao is a guest and she proceeds to be Web’s good bro by exposing him ; saying he’s a Monk. 

• 6.11.2018 - Interview with Popular highlight, Web mentions GG for the first time while looking THIS good. The Audacity. Honestly. 🤦🏻‍♀‍

He talked about how long GG’s lines are compared to him, especially when they highlight it on their script books. 

• 6.14.2018 - Shooting of Cold Pond Cave scene ; Then clinging to each other amidst the cold water. If you watched the new BTS from fansites, there is a 🔞scene here. Pertaining to the M*gnum W*ng. 

• 6.16.2018 - Shooting guns at each other and dancing to Black Pink’s Ddu Ddu.

• { VERY IMPORTANT DATE} 6.18.2018 is when they shot this scene. GG is looking all wet, with mud on his face but Web just says he still looks handsome with no make up on. Also, CAN WE TAKE A SECOND AND WEEP at how GG looks at Web here. His eyes. Wow. He clearly adores Web at this point.

• They also shot WWX handing Zongzi to LWJ.

• Later that day, they ate together. They were photographed by paps who thought Web was going out with a girl. The produced and director of CQL was also there.

• GG then posted this on Weibo on 20:18 “love you yibo” as a greeting for the Festival. Web took the picture, according to me. I’m the curtain.

• 6.19.2018 - The next day, Web is photographed at the airport with the same clothes. This is also the first appearance of his white Nike Bag. He had to go and film an episode of Happy Camp.

AND OUR BOI WAS ABSOLUTELY GLOWING IN THAT EPISODE. Watch it english subbed here. 

• 6.22.2018 - a supposedly important day too as they cued 622 a couple of times. This is a good read on that.

﹌﹌ Part II: June 2019 ﹌﹌

•  6.1.2019 - GG interview with cosmo where he sings Kepler.  • 6.2.2019 - Web attending Yuehua family concert • 6.15.2019 - Web in extreme youth press conference wearing a questionable spongebob shirt.

• {VERY IMPORTANT DATE} 6.19.2019 - First appearance of Web’s ox head necklace via a picture of him in an airport, at Chongqing. 

• 6.19.2019 - GG posts an ad for Qeelin on his instagram account. ( which is now non existent since it was hacked incase you didn’t know). Qeelin Bo is significant to BJYX, you can check it on my jewelry post. 

• 6.21-6.22 2019 - Web posted himself practicing skateboard. 

• 6.25.2019 - They both posted on their Weibo about their joint Bazaar Magazine cover. This was re-released and became bazaar’s #1 e-magazine issue.

• 6.27.2019 - They both post about the premiere of CQL! 💚❤️

• 6.28.2019 - Web posts himself as LWJ, saying rabbits are cute. 

• 6.30.2019 - Web attends Yuehua annual party as Spiderman (into the spider verse).

.

﹌﹌ Part III: June 2020 ﹌﹌

• 6.5.20 - GG posts after a long time of silence with a picture of blue sky. Captioning it with : “Blue skies and white clouds, what do you see?” more on the significance of blue sky and white clouds with BYX here.  • 6.9.20 - XZ studio posts a video about GG’s daily life, giving us a glimpse of what he was doing. • 6.12.20 - We finally get a selfie from GG! He mentions on his caption that his hair is getting long. There is a CPN on this that the shirt he is wearing is a couple shirt from trasher which matches Web’s. Also, as people match the scenery posts on this, it matches with Web’s filming locations. 

• 6.13.20 - GG Douyin update, making orange juice like a pro. CPN on this is that the place he is filming at is pretty similar to Web’s house. But let’s not go there. 

• 6.18.20 - Another artwork post from GG. 

• 6.20.20 - Himalaya releases a CF for their new endorser, Wang Yibis. THIS CF ANS EVERYTHING ABOUT IT KILLED US. Starting with Web’s post,  “Some words, even if I don’t say it, u guys will know. This is our tacit understanding. Love is like this. Accompanying everyday.”

and this parallel, >>   

• 6.21.20 - Web video doing an Ollie (skateboard trick). People were speculating where he actually is on this one. most probably just him enjoying his down time and probably Lele taking that video.  • 6.25.20 - GG posts an artwork of zongzi along with an actual one for dragon boat festival. People have analyzed the little drawings and noted one looks like him & the other as Web. 

• AND FINALLY, this year’s Dragon Boat Festival gave way to the crazy fake rumor of them getting “engaged” + buying a house and car. When this came out, it was such a sweet fanfic— but with how the fake rumors becoming true lately— this is now very scary 👀.

CPN is that they spent this year’s Dragon boat festival together because of this clue. (Let me copy my own post) -->> 

This started with GG’s post and the background being compared to one of Web’s cast-mate, Wang Hao Xuan.

What gets me is the caption saying, “stuff that happens at work is a secret”. / “someone became super talkative while eating zongzi” What? Why? Who do we know is quiet but becomes really talkative when with his GG? WANG YIBIS.

Post-shoot, The director attended SDOC 3 finals too! To support Web. Plus Web’s message for the wrap was sweet. I felt like they really took care of him and will not say anything that will bring him down.

@p-h03n1-x - added a few more details on the posts particularly : Web’s popular highlight interview, video of DD almost going to GG’s care and heading back to trailer together. 

BONUS THROWBACK 6.1.2017.

Both of them posted selfies on that day, talking about 6/1 but there’s no event to celebrate on China on that day. 

@choke-and-dye​ added an explanation for these: 

AND THAT’S IT <3 If you made it this far, Thank you. old time bxgs won’t see anything new in this post (probably) but I hope you still enjoyed it. Let’s see what happens on June 2021 and onwards. :)) Also, if it takes this long just to create one month, how long with it be for their whole timeline so far. LOL. T.T 

EDITED 11/10/2020 4:28 AM 

#yizhan #bjyx

[yourcoffindoor]

Bulletproof Heart Pt. 1

Pairing: Gerard Way x Reader

Prompt: Request from Anon- “ could you write one where the reader is a rock singer and they and mcr are on warped tour together, and they both lowkey like each other but think they’re both out of each other’s league, and find out that they’re both secretly into nerdy stuff + maybe getting together? thank you so much xxx”

AN: This is a multi-part series--I couldn’t help myself! Also, I based this fic around something Gerard said in a Rolling Stone interview:

Hope its ok Anon! enjoy!

You had dreamed of this moment since you first picked up a guitar. Back then it felt like an impossible fantasy, being on stage with your band, playing in front of a crowd of screaming fans; which is why it felt so surreal when your manager Tim told you that your band, The Violent Delights, had booked Warped Tour.

"June 18th," he told you with a satisfied grin, "you're in for the long haul, kids."

Your band-mates let out a collective shriek of joy, while you planted a grateful kiss on Tim's cheek.

"You're an OK manager, you know that?"

"Yeah, yeah," he said, dramatically wiping his cheek where your lips had been. "Now you guys better get practicing. This is a good opportunity to really get your name out there. Plus you got some real popular acts to compete with."

Your interest was peaked. "Oh yeah? Like who?"

"Off the top of my head? Fall Out Boy, Dropkick Murphys, and I think a band called My Chemical Romance."

"Oh shit, My Chem?" your bassist, Gavin, piped up excitedly. "That's the band I'm always trying to get Y/N to listen to."

"I'll have to finally borrow their last album," you replied, "gotta scope out the competition after all." Gavin rolled his eyes while you laughed.

Your manager got serious. "It's three months on the road, and its gonna take a lot of energy and hard work. Quite frankly, it ain't glamorous."

"Tim, when have we ever been glamorous? I wouldn't care if it were a 12 month tour," you declared, "I wouldn't miss this opportunity for the world." Liz, your drummer, nodded in agreement beside you.

"You might be singing a different tune when you haven't had a shower in three days."

"As long as I'm singing it in front of an audience, we'll be fine."

* * *

Back at your apartment you marked June 18th on your calendar with a star, feeling invigorated with excitement all over again. This was it, you thought, the next level for our band. You were determined to give it your very best, outperforming every other band there.

After all, you had worked so hard to get to this point. Starting in friend's basements and tiny cafes, the band had slowly built up a sizable following of loyal fans. You were no longer the opening act, drawing sell out crowds more often than not. You made a promise to yourself that the band wasn't going to lose this momentum. There would be no distractions for you on this tour, just hard work and the thrill of performing. That meant no parties, and absolutely no boys. You weren't ready for another relationship, you told yourself, especially since the last one ended in disaster.

Yes, this was the moment the band had been waiting for. You let the warm excitement that this knowledge brought envelope you, and you lay your head down on your pillow, falling asleep to fantasies of what lay ahead.

* * *

Its a long road from Maryland to Ohio. Columbus was the first stop of the tour, which meant your band had 6 and a half hours to go over the set-list, make adjustments  discuss their hopes and fears for the three month experience. Gavin gave you a few CDs to listen too, including My Chemical Romance's Three Cheers for Sweet Revenge.  You had heard their first album ages ago and enjoyed it, but there was something incandescent to the music you were hearing now. It stirred a whirlwind of heavy emotion, and you were enthralled from beginning to end. You made a mental note to see them perform at Warped as soon as possible.

When your bus arrived at its destination, you felt the unwelcome buzz of nerves building in your stomach. This was real, you thought, this was happening. You were used to performing at this point, but it was the amount of people you'd be performing for that was nerve-wracking. Not to mention the fellow artists who may be watching and judging your sound. You breathed deep and tried to push past the nervous thoughts that hummed incessantly around your head like insects.

Your band-mates were buzzing about with excitement, but you needed to distract yourself. Fresh air always helped settle you, so you grabbed your shoes and decided to go for a walk around the venue.

It looked almost like a circus with all the trailers and tents that had quickly populated the surrounding area. Merch stands and catering tents were being organizes as dozens upon dozens of vans and trailers pulled in. There were already a few fans camped outside of the chain-link fence that surrounded the area, eagerly awaiting a glimpse of their favorite artists.

You kept wandering, and you saw that a band was being interviewed in the media tent. There were five of them, each holding a microphone; but one member, a dark haired boy, was doing most of the talking. He was cute, you thought, and your stomach did little flips watching him respond to the questions that were being asked.

You watched a little bit longer from a distance, until you felt a tap on your shoulder. You turned to see Gavin and Liz, who had been doing a bit of exploring as well.

"Hey, there you are! I was talking to a few people by the catering tent. They said some bands are having a party on their buses later tonight, we should check it out." Gavin informed you excitedly.

You hesitated. No parties. "I dunno, I want us to be in good condition to perform tomorrow."

Liz chimed in. "All work and no play, Y/N. C'mon, it'll be a great chance to make some connections with other bands."

"If you don't come with us," Gavin pronounced dramatically, "we'll be far too devastated to perform tomorrow." His hand went to his forehead, as though he was about to faint.

"Somehow I doubt that."

"Pretty please?" Liz stuck her lower lip out pathetically.

"With sugar on top?" Gavin added.

You glanced at the black haired boy in the distance. Maybe he'd be there, a small voice in your head piped up.

"Ugh Fine! But I'll only stay for a little bit."

Satisfied, the pair stopped harassing you, and left you to continue wandering, promising to meet up with them later.

* * *

People spilled out from open trailers as music blared from an unknown source in the background. Some were already far gone, stumbling from place to place, or lying on the ground blacked out.

You followed Gavin inside one of the trailers. You watched as he interacted with the strangers inside with ease, a trait you envied. He managed to find you both drinks, and you grabbed the mystery beverage, sculling it in hopes that it would numb your nervousness. You may have been a great performer onstage, but offstage it was easy for your social anxiety to take the wheel.

Gavin began to walk away, ignoring your whispered pleas not to leave you. Fuck. It always felt awkward to not know anyone at a party. You clutched your red cup like a life jacket keeping you afloat in a sea of drunken strangers.

A man approached you out of nowhere, the smell of alcohol emanating from every pore on his body.

"You look lonely." He leered at you expectantly.

"Then it seems like you need glasses. I'm just fine on my own."

He laughed. "Ooo! I like you. You've got spunk. Name's Brent, guitarist from Midnite Heist."

"Can't say I've heard of you guys."

Brent was either oblivious to your indifference, or just chose to ignore it. "So how'd you end up at this party?"

"I'm in a band on the tour too. Lead singer actually."

"No way! That's awesome, we need more talented eye candy on this tour."

You screamed internally while he droned on, tuning him out as you continued to sip from your fast emptying cup.

You scanned the room, watching people laugh and dance. Your stomach suddenly flipped again as you noticed the black haired boy from this afternoon, solemn faced and quiet, silently nursing a diet coke in his hands. He was clearly not having a good time. The guitarist who had been talking you up soon saw you looking at the sullen figure and turned his attention towards him, his eyes lighting up with recognition.

"Gerard fucking Way!" he bellowed, carelessly sloshing his drink as he waved him over, causing a stream of alcohol to fall to the floor below.

Gerard seemed to hesitate before walking over. "It's been awhile man," he said softly. His eyes, a warm hazel, flicked to you repeatedly as he spoke. "you here for the whole tour this time?"

Brent laughed, his sobriety dangling by a thread.  "Yeah, but still not up on the main stage, unlike you big-shots." he said, punching Gerard in the arm. Gerard offered a crooked smirk in return, his patience already wearing thin. Brent nudged you in the arm. "This is Y/N, her band is new to Warped. I told her I'd show her the ropes." He grinned at you. Ugh.

Gerard seemed to sense your discomfort. "Welcome, nice to see a new face around."

Brent interrupted before you could respond. "How come you're wasting time with a coke? I would've expected you to be the first one wasted here."

Gerard's jaw clenched, and you cringed internally at the sheer awkwardness of the encounter. "I'm sober now," he informed Brent, "I don't touch that shit anymore."

Brent laughed dismissively. "Dude, you?  Do you even remember the last Warped tour? I'll give it 2 days before you're lying face down in the bushes again." he laughed as if he had just said something hilarious.

You were livid, and Gerard was on edge. You decided to step in when you noticed his knuckles turn white from clenching his coke can.

You moved slightly, ready to get between them. "Hey you know what? I'd really love a coke right now too. Mind showing me where they are?" you looked pleadingly at Gerard. He took the hint.

"Follow me."

You gave a curt wave to Brent, who looked on in confusion before continuing his drinking binge.

You stepped outside, and the sounds from the party behind you became a faint, thumping buzz in the background. You were both silent for a moment before you decided to break the ice.

"So that guy was a dick."

Gerard's scowl turned into a thin, lopsided smirk. Your heart melted a bit. "Yeah. I just realized some of these people are only tolerable when I'm drunk."

Stop. Move away. You don't need a distraction like this. You tried to scold yourself but words kept escaping from your lips, prolonging the encounter.

"This is my first time doing Warped Tour, but I'm assuming these parties are pretty much never-ending?"

Gerard pulled out a cigarette and lit it. "Oh yeah, its every night for some of these bands. You're in for an interesting experience." You looked at him for a moment, perhaps for a bit too long. You had never seen anyone look so beautiful while surrounded by clouds of smoke.

"Yoohoooo! Y/N!" you heard the hollering of a clearly tipsy Gavin call from the doorway of the next trailer. "Where'd you go? The night is young! Get back here!"

You sighed. "That's my cue. Well actually that's my bassist, but he'll never let me live it down if I don't go back in there."

Gerard turned his head to the side and exhaled. "Catch you around. Next time you need rescuing from a douche-bag just light the bat signal."

You gave him a soft smile, forcing yourself to turn away and walk back to the trailer. As you did, you whispered aloud to yourself as a reminder:

"No distractions. No boys."

#gerard way x reader #gerard way fanfic #my chemical romance fanfiction #fanfic

[patheticwithanem]

2020 in Retrospect

Hey friend,

I know it’s late, but I HAVE TO DO THIS. I kind of promised myself I’m writing about the year that was. I’m not exactly sure why; maybe it’s to put things in perspective going in to 2021? And today’s my fourth year anniversary with my employer, so I guess it’s perfect timing? (More on that later)

So I was going through my notes (I have this habit of writing down what happens on a daily basis - be it activities, emotions, drama, name it) and one thing’s for sure. 2020 SUCKED. It did. But I’m committing to this no matter what!

First things first: lots of profanities along the way. Well actually, I was about halfway writing the letter when fucking Tumblr decided to refresh and delete what I’ve been writing for about one fucking hour now. So I have to fucking do it all over again. If this is the Lord telling me to stop being sentimental about 2020, fret not my Lord! I’m one stubborn son of a bitch, so I’m carrying on.

Here’s how the rest of the year unfolded. 2020. Let’s go.

JANUARY. Reunions?

January 1. Had a get-together with a few relatives in Malabon. It was fun! I used to be so allergic to family reunions but I guess age creeping in changes you? You value people even more now? This was also the last time we’re able to spend some time with my uncle from Singapore. He brought his family to spend the holidays here. He’s a sweetheart and a great father who’s missed.

January 9. I attended a college dormmate’s wedding. I remember contemplating whether to go or not only to realize I’m actually lucky to be even invited given the fact that I chose to be distant for them for a long while. I also told myself that not showing up is so far from what I’m trying to be. Although I wasn’t there for the whole thing, I’m glad I did come. I was able to bond with my roommates once again whom I treated like brothers ten years ago and that was nice. A not-so-close dormmate even introduced me to his boyfriend and that’s huuuuge. The bride was beautiful too, and I’m glad she’s in the best place right now after all she’s been through. She’s a strong one, that girl.

January 11. Got invited to a birthday pool party of a colleague at work. I have to say I’m actually quite surprised I was invited to this. She’s always had my back though and always kind of looked after me, so I had to go. It was fun but I didn’t get drunk AT ALL. 

January 12. AND THIS IS WHERE SHIT STARTED HAPPENING. The Taal Volcano erupted. It was awful especially for everyone living near the area because everything was covered with ash. It was also a day before my brother’s birthday and we thought the ashfall would be worse the next day so we decided to celebrate earlier. 

January 19. Went to a fiesta. Did not expect to survive that at all. It was a different kind of neighborhood, but the people were nice. 

January 25. Went to a public market with co-workers to buy clothes, eat chicken wings for dinner and then our regular fix of karaoke. Good times. 

Anything else? I was able to book a birthday trip to Yogyakarta, which I eventually canceled because of youknowwhat. Tragic.

February. Blindside!

February 7. Blindside’s a bitch. Yes, that’s what I had written on my notes. I legitimately felt blindsided. So story: I have a friend who I found out was pregnant (let’s call her Ms. Preggy, sorry) and me and her bestfriend (let’s call him Work Son because he was my work son in a lot of ways) decided to hold an intervention for her. The four of us including a friend I’m going to call The-Now-Bestie (kind of a spoiler) whom I had a misunderstanding and was not in speaking terms with will be coming to Work Son’s place. Essentially, the goal was to make Ms. Preggy open up about her pregnancy and her issues with the douchebag father; make her feel that she has us and she doesn’t need to be alone in this. I think it went well, in that regard. However, the whole thing was awkward in epic proportions. It’s as if me and The-Now-Bestie didn’t want to acknowledge each other’s existence, and when we didn’t have a choice, we were sarcastic to each other. I also really felt like an outsider among the four that time; like I wasn’t supposed to be there and wasn’t really contributing to anything. It was a really lonely feeling. I decided to distance myself to them after that.

February 13. WINNERS AT WAR PREMIERE! Words can’t even express how excited I was to see some of my heroes again on screen! Parvati with that “phoenix rising from the ashes” confessional? Damn, girl! Still a fucking legend! It was also nostalgic Yul working his godfather magic once again. I’ve always seen him as a top-tier winner and someone I looked up to for what he represented to the Asian community and the history of Survivor. It was also nice seeing Kim, Tyson, Tony, Sophie, Natalie and Sandra. But I must say I kind of missed Todd. He was my favorite winner and was a great storyteller, a great strategist and a great character with an amazing comeback story. He would’ve been perfect for a season with this caliber of players. And as much as I hate Jeff Probst for shoving him down our throats, I wanted to see Cochran play with these winners! Caramoan’s my first season (a late superfan, yes) and he’s the very reason I got so hooked with the show. I used to think it’s a game where people like me never win. So to see someone like Cochran who’s awkward in every sense of the word (and owning it) win Survivor, it is very inspiring. I like speaking in metaphors and it’s funny how much metaphorical Survivor can be to how I see life now. I see Cochran and if he can win in Survivor, I feel like I can win in life, as silly as that sounds. Cochran sucked his first season, but he then went on to play this dominant game his second try while still managing to be the adorkable underdog that he is. I love that story. Man, I get so worked up when I talk about Survivor! I wish I had that same passion with anything else.

February 19. Mom slipped and had to be rushed to the nearest ER. Good thing there were no fractures and she was fine. I guess we can thank the fats for that? LOL

February 21 ‘til 23. WEEKEND STAYCATION! I needed this! Drinking at the hotel taproom with a live band? YES! Indian for lunch and surf-and-turf buffet for dinner? YES YES YES! That lamb chops, MY LORD. Thank you.

February 29. Leap Day. I started journaling again. 

March. FUCKING COVID.

March 16. The Start of the Lockdown we all come to love now (punk, sarcasm). 

March 17. Politics is so taboo to discuss especially over dinner. But then BAM. I had a major fight with my dad (and by major, I mean MAJOR in a get-out-of-the-house-in-the-middle-of-the-pandemic kind of major). It was basically about a comment he made that’s so misogynistic (towards the Vice President) that I just knew I can’t just let go. It was sooo bad I got all pissed, and when I’m pissed, I can get scary. Maybe it’s the voice or the eyes or both, but the fight got really heated on the verge of getting physical. Which now that I think about it is stupid just because of fucking different political views. Well, I can never get behind the President and they’re huge fans of him and I’ve come to terms with that but it’s just... bleh. I’m not even gonna try to rationalize it because I can’t. It’s just.. disgusting. Oh fucking well. 

April. Wander-fucking-lust.

April 1. I started a 30-day Financial Detox which basically meant no unnecessary expenses. No online shopping, no paying for leisure. None. It was April Fools, but I was dead-set on saving! (Spoiler alert: I failed.)

April 6. Meltdown. I just really couldn’t hold it in anymore.

April 11. Dad’s birthday. After not talking for over a month (which is no easy feat in a tiny condominium unit), we acknowledged each other’s presence. By April 15, it’s like nothing happened anymore. He even gave me a home haircut (which for a beginner, is pretty good). On other news, I started watching The Politician on Netflix and t’was the day I started obsessing on Ben Platt and his music. 

April 16. A year ago, I was enjoying sidewalk pho and almost making friends at Cu Chi Tunnels and the Saigon Skydeck of the Bitexco Financial Tower in Ho Chi Minh. Damn, covid.

April 18. That crazy border-crossing from Saigon to Phnom Penh a year ago. That was fulfilling. Damn, covid.

April 19. A year ago, I was experiencing sunrise at Angkor Wat. Wander-fucking-lust UGH. 

April 30. That Town Hall shoutout from our company’s President because of reaching my quota from last month. That really felt good. As much as I hate to admit it, I like being validated from time to time. It definitely meant a lot especially coming from her who took a chance on me. I was patting my back.

MAY. Endure. Let Go. 

May 14. KING TONY WON. Very well-deserved win. A disappointment of a season if you ask me, but props to the king for dominating an all-winners season. Respect for that. Also Natalie and Michele played great games as well and they should be very proud of themselves. I feel like a proud father to these winners HAHAHA!

May 16. Was pleasantly surprised with Dead to Me. That car scene between Jen and Judy on that ninth episode from the second season? Damn. That’s one of the few moments I teared up because of a TV show. That was powerful. All that tension building up and then that sudden release? I really felt that.

May 26. Why do I always feel all this fucking rage inside of me? I try to think of any triggers but I can’t seem to find one that’s actually reasonable. It’s like the isolation getting the best of me. I initially thought quarantine’s going to be a cakewalk for an introvert like myself, but it wasn’t the case. I feel like I’m losing my shit because I was stripped off of the usual things I have access to whenever I feel uneasy and anxious and angry like this. Endure, let go, I know. But it’s so much easier said than done, right?

JUNE. Breathe.

June 12. So the plan to sell the condo and find a new place is real. We went to this great place in Valenzuela and it was a great house and all but I felt weird. Maybe I was having trouble letting go? Maybe it’s just me being averse to change yet again?

June 15. Slept 6am for that How To Get Away With Murder series finale. That speech. VIOLA. Chills all over my body. 

June 18. New phone was delivered. That was fast.

June 27. First time visiting the village we moved to. We were checking a different house this time and was already picturing us living there. Still felt weird, but maybe less.

Looking at it now, I realize almost nothing happened in this stretch of months. Pathetic.

JULY. Change (that’s not necessarily good lol)

July 3. The Anti-Terrorism Bill signed. FUCK THE CIRCUS THAT IS THE PHILIPPINE GOVERNMENT. 

July 10. Doomsday. The ABS-CBN renewal disapproved. FUCK THE CIRCUS THAT IS THE PHILIPPINE GOVERNMENT. Also, that first house we checked was bought this day. First heartbreak.

July 22. Decided to donate to one of my elementary teachers to help finance school supplies for his students in the province. That felt good. 

July 24. folklore’s goooood. This is the Taylor Swift sound that I love. (I had to write that down because that was a 2020 highlight to be honest)

AUGUST. Getting older. Again.

August 2. Donated to another cause: to help a really close friend’s mom (who’s a school principal) on financing their students’ lesson modules (they needed more paper so the donation was going to be used to buy more paper). That felt good.

August 3. Started obsessing on Dear Evan Hansen. I mean come on. HOW COME I ONLY KNEW OF THIS NOW?!?! The story, the acting, the soundtrack... it felt like I asked the Lord for a musical for me and he gave this on a silver platter. 

August 9. Lasagna, baked sushi, lechon belly, pansit, cake. Weird combination, I know, but that’s me!

August 11. Discovered the Slowly app. Changed my life since then! I’m not even exaggerating. I guess it has to do with feeling extremely lonely amid the pandemic and getting this platform where you can talk to literally anyone while still keeping your anonymity. And it strips you off of instant gratification you’re so used to because you actually have to wait for your letters to be sent and to arrive. A great exercise for patience if you ask me! And since you have to wait, you make your letters longer and more worthwhile. It’s a platform free of judgment which relies heavily on building actual mental and emotional connections. It’s a gift, truly. NOT EXAGGERATING; YES I’M THAT LONELY.

August 23. The house search continued. This time, the South!

August 24. It was my first time watching a Korean drama and I gotta say I get the hype now. Korea makes great stories and they take their time when telling these stories. The story centering about mental health was definitely what got me to try watching It’s Okay to Not Be Okay, but the show’s so much more than that. That was a great watch.

SEPTEMBER. Finally some light?

September 1. Second year anniversary. I still really miss her.

September 5. My cat’s 5th birthday! Of course we had to celebrate for her with baked macaroni and burnt cheesecake. 

September 11. Lost uncle. He gave a good fight. 

September 19. SENSE8. It’s a show that doesn’t need any explaining. It’s the BEST. I love this cast SO MUCH. I remember thinking if I ever get a tattoo (which is unlikely), I’ll maybe have the title of that Sense8 series finale inked on me. AMOR VINCIT OMNIA. Love conquers all. 

September 27. After a series of unfortunate events, we were led to this house on the same village we keep going back to, and the moment we saw it, we were sold. This is going to be our house. And it happened.

OCTOBER. Surprises?

October 6. Hooked up with someone I probably shouldn’t.

October 12. Booked a trip for next year because I’M HOPEFUL AS FUCK.

October 21. Had the best conversation I had in a long time. 

October 22. Hooked up with someone I probably shouldn’t. 

October 28. Organized a digital event for work. I’m still on the fence whether I’m proud of it or not. It was my first event, and I’ve wanted to do that for a long time. While I enjoyed all the preparation that came with it, from making that tactical marketing plan to coordinating with the organizers and my team, I felt like it was bland. There were lapses here and there and I know that we all tried the best we could, but maybe I just pictured it a little better in my mind? It wasn’t a flawless event and maybe I wanted it to be flawless. But it was fun. I never would’ve imagined me hosting an event, but I did. 

NOVEMBER. Decisions.

November 14. So news came and we’re finally moving. The buyer of the condo got approved and it was only a matter of weeks to settle documents and payment and we’re good to go. I had mixed feelings about it. It took me back to that time we started looking for houses. I wasn’t exactly ready to let go of the place I grew with for the past five years. And I wasn’t also ready to let go of the convenience, and the relationships I only have started building with friends I found along the way. But at that moment I knew I had to be happy because they were happy. My family was happy. I knew I have to be happy.

November 21. Started all the packing. Packing meant decluttering and reminiscing, so letting go of more things which was overwhelming at first, but inevitable. 

November 23. I had something checked in the hospital, and something happened and it wasn’t supposed to go that way but it did and it was so fucking bizarre lol

November 28. HAPPY MOVING DAY. It’s that day of the year. Stress was off the charts because of the time constraint and frankly, the lack of preparedness. Good thing a few people helped us with the rest of the packing. It was an impossible task for me and my sister alone so we were glad we got all the help we needed. I did most of the heavy lifting, so I had bruises all over my body for weeks, but after all was said and done, it felt surreal. Felt like everything coming full circle. That first night in the new home? I’ll never forget that. That was special.

December. The end of an era.

December 2. I went back to the condo to stay for a few more days. Get to feel the place one last time. Also lost a huge deal at work to a competitor. I usually really get depressed with these losses, but for some reason I felt indifferent about it. I guess it was my mind telling me I’ve mentally checked out of work already? That maybe it is really time to move on to something that’ll make me care about what I do again? Make me feel again?

December 4. Met someone (who we can call the Professor) I’ve been talking to for a while now. We’ve had some really great conversations leading to this night; talks at 3AM that’s kind of liberating? I was upfront about the moving and that I only have a few days left in the place which is probably why it happened. Professor was also upfront about leaving the country in a few months for an opportunity to work and do research in Japan for five fucking years. It was awkward at first; but we eventually warmed up to each other and spent the night together. 

December 5. Things escalated pretty quickly. The Professor gave me a shower (that was weird but I was feeling it and I thought it was sweet and sexy?). We cuddled until we slept and there was breakfast prepared when I woke up. I don’t usually get to experience this kind of stuff so I really appreciated that. I was feeling it. I thought I can get used to this! I left the place and was invited back again so I stayed over for another night. We’ve had a few more interesting conversations. I was not expecting some of the things we discussed especially the talk about long-distance relationships. The Professor asked me what I think about it and I was honest; I’m not against it but it’s not something I’ll take a chance on if I wasn’t sure about it. Mantra’s always been connection first before commitment. I’m not the “take a leap of faith” kind-of guy; I needed to be sure. Or at the very least be really mentally and emotionally connected with the person. I thought that made perfect sense. I still do.

December 6. So it was finally goodbye. Me and my sister went to the nearest church to donate a few clothes and shoes and to attend a mass. Bid farewell to the Professor too and promised each other to keep in touch. I also had an awkward encounter with my sister’s “friend” who she sneaked in the condo for God knows what for. Pretty sure they did the nasty.

December 13. We went to our old house (the one I spent my younger years in) to get a few stuff for the new house. I only really wanted to get my old bicycle because I want to be biking regularly for the next year. I want to take that fitness journey seriously! So I got the bike and I got to spend some time with some childhood friends. Good stuff.

December 15. A teammate resigned at work. The funny thing is he did it after getting that 13th month bonus HAHAHA! I can’t blame him though after learning about the salary he gets when he’s performing three functions in the team. That’s insane. But it really made me wonder: am I still in this for the long haul? Or do I move on too?

December 17. So I had my work desk and wardrobe delivered. Felt so nice buying things for my room! 

December 19. We got a new dog! Another French Bulldog. He’s pretty sweet. Someone’s not happy! (MY MOM)

December 22. And then this happened. We were supposed to meet after my dentist appointment (which I only used as an excuse to meet and I thought that was obvious) but the Professor never showed up. I waited for FIVE FREAKIN HOURS. I had like clothes with me because we agreed I sleepover but FUCK. Good thing a friend kept me company, but that was horrible. I thought YOU NEVER DO THAT TO ANYONE. I deserve better.

December 24. We had our house blessed. It was all super spontaneous; we invited a few friends and relatives over and had an intimate gathering. Mom got emotional (AGAIN).

December 27. So Ms. Preggy (from February - oooh that rhymed) had her son baptized. Since she lives a little father from the city, we decided to have a little staycation with some friends there too. The-Now-Bestie and Work Son was there, and we had beer and homecooked food and a slew of great conversations to cap off the year. 

Also December 27. I knew I needed to get something off my chest. And I just had to say it. 

“You’re so unfair. You shouldn’t have done that. Gave me false hopes. Gave me a “3-day trial period” only to disappear without any warning. Made promises you never intended to keep. You could’ve just told me you’re not interested anymore and I would’ve been fine with that but instead, you ghosted me. For the past few weeks since that weekend, it never seemed like you wanted to get to know me better. Or even just keep the communication going. It’s been one-sided and I wonder: has it always been this way? Maybe I’m remembering things differently. I told you I like you and I meant that. I’m still wrapping around my head why and how it happened to be honest. Maybe it’s that weekend? Maybe it’s the conversations leading up to when we first met? I don’t know. But things changed after that and I should ask you for an explanation but it’s really not the point. The point is I thought we can work something out and you hurt me. You may feel like you’re running out of time because of Japan but it’s no excuse to do that to anyone, really. You seem so sure about what you want so I hope you get whatever that is. Merry Christmas. Thanks for the memories.”

That was intense.

December 28. The Professor responded. “I apologize... I am getting attached... I had to “ponder on its implications to me in the long run”... I decided to slow down... It hurts... “That weekend that we met felt like I knew you before”... I am afraid... “You have no idea how hard it is to leave everything behind every 4-5 fucking years not because I wanted it but because I have to”... I still hope to continue whatever we have... “I will always remember you. Please don’t forget about me.”... YADA YADA YADA. 

I know. You know me. I try to empathize as much as possible. But I mean, come on. These are things I already know. It’s not what I needed to hear.

December 31. I needed to say something one last time. There’s already a lot of uncertainties in the world with COVID and life and everything else. I knew I needed answers; I want the binary. I want the black or white for this one. I’m not taking the gray with me next year. So I asked the following questions:

“What do you want from me? Do you want to be friends? Or we stick with occasional catching up on Viber every once in a while (because that’s what it sounds like to me)?”

“What do you want to get from your last two months here? What are you looking for? Just make the most “fun’? Or look for something that will stick?”

“Have you told me anything you really didn’t mean?”

“That one time we talked about long-distance, were you asking me?”

Fast forward to now: I never got the answer I needed. I guess this is one of those rare occasions where no answer is the answer. And after a few weeks of contemplating about it, I am leaving it behind in 2020. 

I’m actually at peace with that.

So there you have it. The suck-fest that is 2020. The first month of the new year wasn’t so bad. I feel this great energy. This year’s going to be different. I did tell you that this letter’s perfect timing. That’s because I’ve resigned and I’m moving on. A friend told me a while ago that he’s proud of me for finally taking action. The 2018 version of myself wouldn’t have done what I did and he was happy for me. I wanted a clean slate and I took it. That I was finally taking ownership of my life. 

I was elated. My friend usually spoils me with compliments and encouragement and my ever reliable negative self-image tend to disagree with him but for the first time in a very long time, it felt right. I’m not usually excited for New Years, but I guess I am?

I say bring it on, 2021.

Until then,

Patheticwithanem

#2020 sucked #2021 #perfect timing #reunions #blindside #Survivor #winners at war #metaphors #fuck covid #fuck dds #wanderlust #letting go #fuck the government #philippine government is a circus #folklore #getting older #dear evan hansen #slowly #house search #korean dramas #SENSE8 #amor vincit omnia #best conversation in a long time #moving on #nostalgia #mentally checked out #ghosted #i deserve better #blessing #the year in review

[jestbee]

WHAT DID YOU SAY TO THEM

Not a lot is the short answer. But, in case you wanted long detailed post about it all, my entire meet & greet experience is below the cut

So we got there super early and we were sat at this bar/restaurant that’s attached to the venue and we looked up at a window across the way and I thought, fleetingly in the back of my mind, “That looks like the back of Phil’s head”. But I didn’t say anything to my friends because I thought I’d come across as a bit of a weirdo. Who recognises the back of someones head? Inside a building? In silhouette? 

Anyway. Turns out it was Phil’s head, and then Dan came to the window wearing his grid jumper and waved and we all waved back (I’m sure I looked like a stunned idiot) and then he got his phone out and held it up while he continued to wave at us.

Consequently, I’m half convinced he has a photo/video of us on his camera roll somewhere. A very odd thought. 

So that was the first moment. The one that was to kick off the weirdness of seeing them in real life and- let’s be real- the low key panic attack I was just going to have for the next two hours until it was all over. 

And I remember Dan smiling really wide and I was just like, ‘oh my god, he’s real’ which is a stupid thought to have, but it wouldn’t be the last time I thought it. 

When the time came we went to the foyer of the venue and they had all the merch but you couldn’t buy it yet but they were setting it up in the vip area upstairs so we could buy it there. 

There were so many cool people, other fans just having fun and it was really nice to be in an atmosphere where you knew we were all there for the same reason. Gathered because of two tall ex-emos that somehow make our days a little brighter.

There was also a line of old people buying tickets to other things at the box office looking around like this was the oddest thing they’d ever seen. They were right. It probably was.

We were counting down, watching the merch trolleys being wheeled back and forth to the lift and it was getting more and more real. Then it was 4 o’clock. People started doing that British-person-shuffle thing where you all try to get as close to the place you are supposed to be as possible. As if that will get you in quicker. It rarely works but we all try. 

They took the barrier down. It was starting. 

The venue staff looked at our tickets and then gave us a wrist band and we went to an upstairs area (that was actually like a bar you usually go to before shows) and the m&g backdrop was there and a merch stand and a playlist playing out of a Beats Pill speaker just plugged in in the corner. I mean.... what? 

World wide tour, neon lights and a fancy set and this is the production value Nottingham could provide. Well done hometown, well done.

We sat on some tables near the front of the room and there was a stoic security guard in a grey suit standing at a door next to the screen like something out of a movie. Everyone made so much noise every time the door vaguely moved and we were all on edge. 

The room was buzzing. People were hyped.

So at this point I got SUPER nervous and my face and neck starting getting hot, even my ears felt like they were about to spontaneously combust on the side of my head. Thank god for @ineverhadmyinternetphase and @charlottekath who were also nervous but totally encouraging, because I never would have coped without them 

The organisers put a line of green tape on the floor and they were giving out Haribo... I think. I’m a vegetarian so I didn’t get any. I couldn’t concentrate anyway.

Also the line for merch was REALLY long at this point but we thought we’d go after our m&g. Good decision. There was no queue after cus everyone was queueing for m&g so we walked straight up. 

Plushies had almost gone though but we were lucky and snagged 2 of the remaining 3. 

They had more later, downstairs, this was just the vip stand.

So it then came time to line up behind the green tape and we all got in a queue and we were 5 PEOPLE FROM THE FRONT and at this point I began to panic a little and I was half convinced I was going to leave... Seriously, I just had the thought that I could turn around and go because why was I putting myself through something I knew was going to give me anxiety, you know? Why did I need to do this?

Good friends, my pals. Good friends. They pointed out that I’d regret it if I left which yeah, I would have. I stayed.

On shaking legs goddammit it, I stayed.

So then it was explained that the boys were on their way and that there was a lot of people there but that we had time and we would definitely all get to meet them so no pushing etc. The crowd kept cheering and being loud when she was talking which was annoying but everyone was just so excited! 

So, you had to have your 1 thing to sign, you could get a selfie/photo whatever and then you’d have your wristband cut off and get a little vip merch tote thing. Have it all ready in your hand before you go round. Trust me, it makes it so much easier! 

I wasn’t taking much more in by this point because the heat in my face and neck was uncontrollable and at this point I was hitting myself in the knuckles with a sharpie because I think I was very near a panic attack. 

Then it was TIME. 

They came out through the side door. The cheer started at the back and followed down the line like a wave at a sporting match and then.... they came round into full view. 

I was just... stunned. Into silence. 

Literally lost the ability to speak. 

Most people comment on how tall they are. I can deal with tall. I’m used to tall. I’m not used to two nerds I watch on my computer screen suddenly appearing in real life. 

I was mostly struck by how Dan was wearing merch actually. He really followed through on that. Plus it was the one I wanted to buy so I was glad to see it in person. 

Dan asked us all how were were doing and everyone cheered appropriately. 

Then Phil said (quietly and mostly to Dan) “Thank you for coming” 

Then Dan said louder to the crowd “Yes, Thank you all for coming!” 

And that was cute as hell, because Dan clearly does all the shouting and Phil giving him that little prompt was just... wonderful. The way they work together so easily is just lovely. 

So then they went back behind the screen thing and the moment came. 

Everyone moved forward, I was panicking and hitting my knuckles with the pen and counting down the number of people left to go before I would have to do it. 

Then it was our turn. We’d already talked about how I was going last out of the three of us because I am a wimp. So those two went up together and I watched them in the reflection of the glass and they were all laughing and I was like, SO SO HAPPY for them. Honestly, my friends are the best and getting to experience this whole thing with them was the best. 

After what seemed like a hilarious conversation I won’t spoil here because you can probably read about on their blogs, it was my turn.

But first: 

“Is that a letter?” she said.

They collect the letters and things before you go round to see the guys and then put them in these neat large brown envelopes with “Dan and Phil” written on and the venue and date. 

“Yes,” I said, “But it’s not from me. It’s from my friend. In California.” 

Sometimes when I am nervous I ramble. But, @adorkablephil that one was for you. I wanted to make sure I mentioned it. 

“Ready?” 

“As I’ll ever be.” 

Then I had to go around the screen. 

Before I got there, in fact for the entire 7 months since I bought my ticket I have been saying the same thing. I was looking forward to my Phil hug and I didn’t think I’d be able to handle meeting Dan in person. I don’t know why. He was intimidating to me for some reason. 

But, let me tell you. I was not prepared for the absolute force that is Phil Lester. 

I rounded the corner and Phil immediately smiled and held his arms out and I just kind of shuffled over and gave him a hug and he was like “hiiii” 

Then I got a half-hug from Dan in that way that he does and I was so happy about it. They are both like, SO lovely. And gentle.

Phil was just... I don’t know. Dan looked like Dan does on my laptop screen. Just, in real life which was bizarre yeah, but Phil... Phil looks different. I don’t think if its the hair or just that I’m not yet used to 2018 Phil but he looked his age. Which... if you’ve been paying attention to this blog at all you will know is totally my jam. 

I’m a Phil girl. I’ve become a Phil girl. I think it’s just time I admitted it. 

I didn’t intend on saying much. I didn’t have anything planned and there was no huge statement I wanted to make. I never would have been able to manage it, my anxiety levels were pretty high at this point and I just wanted to enjoy the moment without any added pressure to say anything like, meaningful.

And I was still pretty much stunned into silence anyway so I think I went “Hi.” all quiet and squeaky. Then the conversation went like this:

P: Do you want us to sign your calendar? 

Me: Oh, Yes please. 

I passed them the calendar. Backwards. Of course. I’m an idiot. 

D: Do you want us to sign May? 

Bless this boy for checking. God amongst men. Cus I didn’t have it in me to correct it unprompted. 

Me: Oh. Actually, June please. 

They flipped it over, both with black sharpie in hand, poised and ready. 

I almost let it go. I had a plan that I almost let slide because, hello awkward, but I didn’t. I summoned the courage to finally like, actually speak.

Me: I, um, I brought a silver sharpie. Cus... it’s black. 

I meant the page. June is the black background photo and I didn’t think the black sharpie would show up. 

At this point I kind of thrust the sharpie at them and Phil smiled again. I died. 

P: You’re so prepared

D: We’re never prepared for anything in life just generally

I laughed. 

At this point I realised my error in only bringing only one pen because then they couldn’t do the crossed-arms thing to sign. But it was okay. Phil still held the calendar but Dan signed first and then passed the pen over to Phil. Seamless. Wonderful. 

At this point I’m digging my phone out of my front pocket and my hands are shaking. 

Phil puts the pen lid back on and passes it all back to me and I like, fumble with all my stuff and flicking open the camera app at the same time. 

D: Would you like a photo?

Me: Yes please could you... *passes him my phone*.

I never give anyone my phone. Ever. But here is Dan Howell with his huge hands on my phone just handling it like a pro and it was great. 

So I sort of awkwardly shift to the middle of them and Phil leans in SO close behind me and Dan takes the picture and I think I don’t look too bad. A little stunned, of course, but that was to be expected. 

Me: Thank you so much.

D: Thank you for coming, I hope you enjoy the show. 

Me: You too

What? You too? Ugh I’m the worst. 

P: Bye!

Me: Bye!

Then I get round the other side and the guy with the totes looks at me like really hesitantly, like he��s approaching a scared animal and says “Can I cut your wristband off?” 

I held out my wrist. Silent and shook and shaking. He cuts the wristband off, He gives me a tote bag, I clutch it and the calendar to my chest and wander back over to my friends and finally, mercifully, collapse. 

The camera app is still open on my phone. My ears are still hot and my knuckle has a bruise forming I’ll definitely regret tomorrow but this has been one of the best things ever. 

I had to drink two beers with lunch just to get over it. 

#jane answers #jane met dnp #dnp #interactive introverts #dan and phil #Anonymous

[crookedponytails]

#5 : compartmentalize

backdated : June 24th 2020

Who knows if it's the introvert in me rejoicing or the fact that I don't really have anyone here that I can't wait to see , but i'm content . I haven't strayed out of my building in a little over a month - but I don't feel trapped / suffocated / even bored . (I might even be subconsciously thanking all the stringent measures for allowing me to evade social obligations)

Truth be told , since the borders are pretty much closed , I can't even head home - which by the way , is in another country . And all the people that I would happily spend my social distancing days with have not been out of said country . I suppose that means i'm pretty much on my own .

It's a little daunting I won't lie . If somehow i'm not careful , this body of mine would end up in a hospital whereby none of my closest people can get to . That's a lil scary .

I also feel the need to not worry my loved ones by posing a risk to myself . Thus , all that equated to..living like a hermit (happily).

Sometime in the future , I want to look back at 2020 and think..what an odd year we all went through . And I would probably wonder how in the world I lived not going out for a whole month . Behold , my activities:

Listening to soothing thunderstorms at night while Studio Ghibli piano covers play ( there's been so much lately ! )

Gazing out of the window for minimal greenery and listening to the rain

Catching up on gaming , RDR2 in particular and I found an online MMORPG mobile game called Dragon Raja which is quite interesting

Also started conceiving an idea for a personal project for when I relocate back :)

Reading alotttttt thank goodness for iPad's and e-books

Netflixing weird shows (that I would not remember, i'm sure)

Line video-calling P every night

Cooking more than usual but don't get impressed just yet lol

I guess that's amongst the things that has been occupying the time of day .

It's a whole MOOD when there's a beautiful thunderstorm out , candles are flickering , essential oils diffusing and you've got soothing piano covers playing on the projector , casting a luminescent blue light over the room and you've got a great book in your hands .

All in all , i've learnt during this time to take care of myself better , and to finally reference the title , compartmentalize things .

Now that every day from waking up to working to having meals to napping and sleeping are taking place literally in my small haven , it was difficult at first to stop associating things with one another . For instance if i'm stressed from work and working hours are over , but i'm still occupying the desk , inevitably the stress is still there . Sometimes I found myself doing additional work out of nowhere because something on my desk cued my brain to be reminded about an upcoming task or something . I'm an individual who can't leave things pending , but i've learnt to during this time . Otherwise I'd be working 24/7 . So when working hours are over , DISENGAGE ! Saved my sanity .

(Give your past self a nod of acknowledgement )

Until the old normal replaces the current normal..let's live well and happily .

[tiny-dinos-running]

update ...

alright, here we go. I’ve put on some music and lit a candle. this is gonna be a long one so buckle up buckaroo. (if you are a stranger reading this i am SO sorry)

let’s start by saying i did write a long-ass letter to swim about two months ago but Tumblr deleted it when it tried to post. i got so frustrated that i logged off and tried to forget about it. In the future i plan to rewrote that post but i want it to be sincere so I'm holding off for a while longer. I do want it to be documented though. 

time to get into life. i think I'm gonna do it list style 

1. Graduation.

I haven’t updated since before Disney world (amazing btw,, will post pictures soon). I graduated in May of 2019. It was freeing and added more pressure all at once. All of these memories are jumbled up with my hatred of swimming at the time. Everyone was asking my plans for the future and i had to say “I’m going to Northern State University in South Dakota to swim and study to become a ped. physical therapist.” even though i wasn't quite sure that was what i wanted to do. I mean that WAS the plan. BUt maybe i didn't love swimming anymore and SD is awfully cold. My graduation party was pretty sad tbh. barely anyone i know showed up and it made me sad. i felt very alone the whole day and just unwanted. I told my mom i didn't want a party for that exact reason but she didn't listen and i was left feeling beaten down by life. I was honestly very depressed at this point but hadn't realized just how bad it was. 

2. Summer. 

summer was strange. i taught cole and mase how to swim and that was great. i got to start a love for a swim while mine was slowly dying out. Bri was one of the first people to know that i was thinking about quitting. At the end of June, i had made the decision 99.9% of the way that i was ready to be done swimming. I held out till July and i went into EPIC looked at Coach Kirk and told him i was done. This was it. I was retiring. a swammer. those words bring tears to my eye still but not because i regret it but because it's hard to picture my identity without swimming. I loved swimming so much and here i was walking away from it. a strange mix of emotions. ( a letter for another day). the rest of the summer consisted of telling NSU that i would not be coming, getting very tan, and enjoying the first summer i can remember that i had no responsibilities. I lifted with Kevin, kai, cass, and Hannah which was really fun and a great way to keep my body moving. i still live but its just Kevin and me )and a few of his friends) oh and also I and Abby decided that we were gonna learn how to skateboard. we are not good. we are reaallll baddd. and i turned 18! by dad

3. Nanny.

so since i was taking a gap year i had to get a job. I ended up with this AWESOME job nannying two boys. D is 4 and so so fun. I spend most of my days with him. He is such an introvert and has the stubbornness of 100 bulls. My mom says that we sound like we are the same person which i would have to agree with. I find him so funny and i truly love that little guy. he's like my little best friend. M is 8 and so crazy cool. I don't see much of him because school but when i do i am constantly amazed by him. He does biking ( like ticks and stuff) and is an awesome little climber! also is probably one of the bravest people I've ever met. a daredevil at heart. he is gonna be such a cool person one day and i hope that he continues to carry his bravery and love for life with him. 

4. Winter.

well, a little mental health update. After i quit swimming things got so so much better. July, Aug, Sept, Oct and the beginning on nov was GREAT! i felt so normal. i was able to get out of bed and do things and function as a real-life person. my anxiety levels haven't really recovered and i still find my self on the edge all the time. We talked about some anxiety meds but that never really went anywhere. I don't want to become into a zombie person so i guess ill hold off. now that winter had appeared I’m feeling worse. my energy has dropped and its harder to get out of bed every day. I feel gross again. it scared me because I don't want it to get bad again but im not sure what i can do. im just ready to be somewhere warm. the hot air and shinning sun revive me. 

5. College. 

i applied to a few colleges. Auburn, Alabama, University of Florida, and the Universit of south Florida, and CU Boulder. i don't want t go to CU but my mom does. i cant be in co any longer. i think ill go to usf. i really like it and its only 20 mins away from Abby and 1 and half hours away from Disney World.

in all honesty, things are good and much better than six months ago. well, see where the new year takes us. happy holidays and have a good new year 

10/8/19

[idontevenknowme-posts]

How-to-Really-Know-Someone Questions Tag!

How do you feel about birthdays? hate them

Do you believe in fate? no 

What do you think when a band/artist “sells out”? nice for them

What do you think of fans and fandoms? strange

Any specific personality traits you would like to see in your life partner? dk

Should parents be their child’s friends? no, they should be parents. 

What do you think of doctor-assisted suicide? should be allowed everywhere

Have you ever blown your top? Why? what? 

How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are? 18

You’re having lunch with three people you respect and admire. They all start criticizing a close friend of yours, not knowing she is your friend. The criticism is distasteful and unjustified. What do you do? i’d say i disagree

If you could paint a picture of any scenery you’ve seen before, what would you paint? a house in france i once lived in

In the case of prevention of overpopulation, should some people be prohibited from reproducing? no 

You discover that because of a mix-up at the hospital, your wonderful one-year-old child is not yours. Would you want to exchange the child to try to correct the mistake? jeez i really dont know 

Have you ever seen a person, an animal, or something else die? How did you feel about it? no 

What is the most drastic thing you’ve done? cut myself

What are your favorite movies? dk 

What is your favorite body part? shoulders

If life is so short, why do we do so many things we don’t like and like so many things we don’t do? because we are dumb af

How important is music in your life? very

How would you describe your father in four words? intelligent, caring, respectful and awesome

If you were to change one thing about your physical appearance, what would it be? my height

Do you trust anyone to protect you? Who, and why? no not really. my bf maybe

What is your favorite kind of flower and why? roses cus they’re pretty

What do you think about the death penalty? dk

What is your ideal day? dk 

How thin/fat, small/large, tall/short are you compared to your peers? i think im fat

If you were a book, what would it be? a depressing one 

Have you ever seen a dead person before? How did you feel about it? no 

Which is worse, failing or never trying? failing to me 

Have you ever taken care of a sick person? yes

Who are the people who have influenced you? my parents 

Which of the four cardinal virtues do you embody the most? dk

What are some things you like about your sibling? she’s beautiful inside out. 

Would you save an extremely talented musician who has the influence to promote good values for the world or a pregnant woman in a situation where it is certain you must choose one over the other? the pregnant woman

If you could choose the sex and physical appearance of your soon-to-be-born child, would you do it? idk.. maybe yes. but i ‘d love it no matter what

What would it take someone to make you feel really fulfilled? to love me unconditionally and show me 

Do you daydream a lot? What do you daydream about? no  

If you were at a friend’s house for Thanksgiving dinner and you found a dead cockroach in the salad, what would you do? just hide it lol 

How honest are you about your thoughts and feelings (i.e. do you hide your true self from others, and in what way)? not honest. 

Do you look like any celebrities? no i dont think so 

What activities do you enjoy? running 

Would you place education as a top priority? yes 

If you had a Death Note, would you use it? yes 

How do you feel about your gender? Does the normal male/female suit you? How much do you act like your supposed sex/gender? yeah i think im quite femaleish

What things have made you cry in the past? i cry easily, so a lot of things

Complete this sentence “I wish I had someone with whom I could share…” everything 

Would you be willing to reduce your life expectancy by 10 years to become extremely attractive or famous? attractive yes  

Who was your best teacher in school? What did you learn? What would they say about you? my math teacher. he was just wise on life. 

How would you like affection to be displayed to you? dk

Do you think someone could love more than one person at once? love? yes. but not be IN love. 

When did you start discovering your own music taste? What was it? youth i guess.. pop 

When you have 30 minutes of free-time, how do you pass the time? cry 

If you could use a voodoo doll to hurt anyone you chose, would you? yes... 

If you could learn to do anything, what would it be? meditate

What is your greatest accomplishment so far? dk 

Describe the ultimate hell. my life now

What is one event that has impacted your life for good? For bad? dont know

Name three things you consider yourself to be very good at, and three things you consider yourself to be very bad at. good: overthinking, overeating and selfdetruction. bad: turning words into actions, stand up for myself and socialise. 

Describe the ultimate paradise/heaven. just being happy with oneself

Do you believe in the existence of soul mates and/or true love? yes 

What do you think about following your dreams? Are you following your dreams? no 

How would you like to die? happy

Are you able to kill animals? Under what circumstances do you find killing to be acceptable or unacceptable? only mosquitos etc 

What is your favorite time of day/day of the week/month of the year? when i get to sleep, tuesday, june. 

How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people’s? not close. no. 

Who would you turn to if you were in desperate need of help? my bf 

What do you feel guilty about? my illness

What do you believe makes a successful life? being happy with oneself. 

Do you tend to argue with people, or avoid conflict? avoid conflict

While parking late at night, you slightly scrape the side of a Porsche. You are certain no one else is aware of what happened. The damage is minor and would be covered by insurance. Would you leave a note? no 

What is the one thing that you love the most about yourself? nothing

Would you try smoking? Alcohol? Why? have done

Where do you see yourself in 5 years? hopefully done with my education, living with my bf and maybe having my first child

Would you try drugs? What kind? Why? no 

If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future or anything else, what would you want to know? everything 

If you could be any fictional character, who would you choose? dont know 

What’s the first thing that compels you to an individual? their way of talking to others

Who are your closest friends and why are you friends with them? i have no friends

Do you like having children around you? yes if they ar well-behaved

If you could throw any kind of party, what would it be like and what would it be for? mask party or halloween

Would you be willing to have horrible nightmares for a year if you would be rewarded with extraordinary wealth?  no 

Would you like to be famous? In what way? no 

Define a “friend”. someone who supports you in good and bad times. 

What are some risky sports/activities you would want to try? Why? bungeejumping. the kick. 

Do you have any biases or prejudices?

When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself? few days ago, and yesterday. 

What would you name the autobiography of your life? “the truth about me”

What was the most cherished memory that you had growing up with your mother? some of our vacations

Where do you stand on religion and why? i dont believe in any religion

How do you deal with stress? i dont LOL 

How do you feel about being alone while eating lunch at school? What about a whole day alone? usually how it is. its boring af but you get used to it

What are your favorite books? dnt know

Would you save an extremely talented musician (whom you like) who has the influence to promote good values for the world or your father in a situation where it is certain you must choose one over the other? my father ofc

How similar are you and your sibling in personality? Appearance? not at ALL similar

Have you ever woken in the middle of the night and done something apart from going back to sleep? yes

What music do you like but do not identify with (guilty pleasures)? rock 

How do you feel about parties? like them 

Can you sing seriously in a nonmusical situation? no

What music do you like and identify with? pop 

How easily seasick/carsick/airsick/elevatorsick are you? veryyyy

What are your pet peeves? when people walk really slow or chew really loud or talk slow. 

Read anything interesting lately? nope

How do you display your affection? idk

When you get home from work, what would you like someone close to you to do or say in the first few minutes? “i missed you” 

Do you get along with people who are from different backgrounds? yes

If you were to change one thing about your personality, what would it be? less naive

What is the most drastic thing you’ve thought of doing? suicide 

How attractive are you in comparison to your peers? not attractive

If you could influence people like a celebrity does, how would you use it for the benefit of the planet? be NICER to others. be HONEST. 

Who or what, if anything, would you die for (or otherwise go to extremes for)? most people tbh

Have you ever done any charitable acts? yes

When you were young, what was the thing that you wanted to be when you grew up? Why? teacher cause i liked school 

What should you never say, even in anger and frustration? “kill yourself”

What would constitute a perfect day for you? dk

What do you like to do in your spare time/on weekends? be with my bf

How do you feel about having kids one day? id like that

Are you able to kill? Under what circumstances do you find killing to be acceptable or unacceptable? i dont think so, unless my loved ones were threatened. 

Is it possible to know, without a doubt, what is good and what is evil? no

If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be? idk

If you learned that a good friend has AIDS, would you avoid him? What if your brother or sister had AIDS? no. 

What makes you cry? lots of things

What do you think about sports? love it 

How and when are abortions okay? they are always okay. 

If you were sure you could not fail, what would you attempt to do? suicide.

What were you like as a child? How would your parents or other people describe you as a child? i was ego af and attentionseeking.

What would you give up for lent? dk

What do you appreciate most about your life? nothing really

If you died or went missing, who would miss you? no one... maybe my sister

Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing? Why? both my parents cuz i love them

Who are your heroes/idols and why? none

If you were to win $10 million, what would you do with all that money? travel 

Would you still be a relationship with someone who cheated on you? depends. 

How do you think your family environment growing up has affected you as a person? i’ve become very eager to feel save, so I need to be with someone. I dont like to depend on myself. 

If you could choose anyone, who would you pick as your mentor? dk

Which of the seven cardinal sins do you embody the most? dk

If you could offer a newborn child only one piece of advice, what would it be? dont depend on others. 

[readmeri]

Hello Thursday people! It’s lovely weather here, the rain from yesterday seems to have departed leaving glorious sunshine, big puffy clouds and a sky so blue and lush I want to wear it.

I’m having quite a fun day so far.  A serious conversation with my ex about our divorce turned into utter hilarity when he confessed his new partner was scared I would lure him back to me 😀

I’m such a lurer, haha. No, seriously, I’m very much not a lurer and he’s not a luree and the whole thing is laughable, so we did. Poor woman, it’s not good to feel that way and I wish there was something I could do to reassure her. I’m thinking maybe a selfie of me holding a pic of my ex and miming shoving my fingers down my throat might do it. Joking aside, he’s a great guy and she has nothing to worry about.

You got to take the laughs when they come, folks, cus it can be a really sodden and grey world without them.

What to wear in Second Life today?

Visit | Rollerballs Poses | Embody Pose Pack – Derby (Embody Mainstore) Outfit | BESOMxREIGN Derby Set, details below* (Rewind! A Throwback Event, til 10 June)

*Details of outfit from gacha:

REIGN. Derby Skates w/torn stockings – stripe – Mait #20 REIGN. Derby Skates Bag #13 REIGN. Derby Skates Animated – Mait REIGN. Derby Kneepads – Mait REIGN. Tilted Derby Helmet BESOMxREIGN. Derby Babe Hair #2 RARE (incl helmet above) REIGN. Derby Shorts – Mait REIGN. Derby Babe Top – Mait REIGN. Runman – Mait #12 REIGN. Elbow Pads – Mait

About:

You know, Roller Discos were very much of my time. In fact, Roller anything was of my time. When I was about 15, in the late 80s, everybody was on Bauer skates (well, except me cus I didn’t have any, but I borrowed some a few times). I had some normal roller boots and used to go to the local sports hall for a roller disco one Friday a month. I’m disappearing down memory lane here folks, but this set really brought it all back to me.

Besom partnered with Reign to produce this amazing set which includes, well, everything… hair, helmet, clothes, rollerboots, socks, bag, walkman (do they still call them that? No? Ok) You can getcha gacha at Rewind! The 80s themed event open right now for your delight.

Here’s some snapshots including a ‘well lit, no shit’. I’ve also popped the gacha key in there so you can see what else is available (I couldn’t wear it all, obviously!) and I apologise for having my eyes shut on my mugshot, I was tired after all that skating.

  Here is my video… it’s a change from the norm today because I wanted to skate (obviously) but I had to film it backwards with me coming towards the camera, because if I didn’t, it’d just be a butt movie, and nobody wants that. So yes, that’s my reason for a slightly shaky video at times, cus I was actually steering while filming without seeing where I was going!

  #secondlife - Meri's at the Rollerdisco today with amazing gacha from BesomxReign, Yay! Hello Thursday people! It's lovely weather here, the rain from yesterday seems to have departed leaving glorious sunshine, big puffy clouds and a sky so blue and lush I want to wear it.

#80s #Besom #Derby #Fashion #gacha #Hair #Helmet #outfit #Pads #Reign #Rewind #Roller #Second life #Secondlife #Skater #skates

[heythereangel]

Straighten that crown queen 27/04/17

Soo hey, I haven't been here and blogged for a while. Decided today, before I do my shit later, just to blog some thoughts out.

Where do I start? I’ve been so busy the past few weeks that I barely have time for myself let alone a social life or a love life. Saying this me and my mum actually tried bonding today and got out nails done before we head off to a big event tomorrow in Blackpool. Even trying to make time to do these pamper shit strains my time because I wanna be doing something else instead, i.e excersise (i feel so fat and bloated recently but i’ll get to that later). although I have ticked it off today and got my nails done after prolonging it for so long. so now my really disgusting nails (which I havent touched ever since January for the photoshoot) are now somewhat ok. I mean it could be better as the girl who done it didnt even do them properly. Therefore I felt like i’ve over paid the bitch for both a manicure and pedicure which were in total £14 by the way for a really mediacore result, even i could have done them.

So following this I’m just killing time before i go to my circus class later. The last time I blogged here I think I mentioned doing kickboxing and Jiu jitsu, I mean that didn’t last like lol only cause its too far to maintain consistency when you live so far away. Although even though I’ve given them up, I still managed to replace them with other activities. So now my love for aerial (hanging up side down) i’m litterally continuing it and now have had classes of pole and aerial silks/hoops and I could not be even more happier and proud of myself to be honest.

Even though I do all of these excercises, it made me neglect my cardio, especially my diet. Oh especially my diet lol This time last year I was so constant with my cardio and lost weight by June, which at this stage would be kinda impossible? and i’ve totally accepted it now and just taking my time trying to loose the weight I have gained from eating shit due to the side effects of fucking morning after pills. I know my body anyway, like Vida said we tend to gain weight so fast so if we are constan for atleast 3 months we’d loose the weight.

Speaking of friends.. lol what friends? My closest friends whom I thought would be ride and die are now not my ride and die. I have bassically isolated myself so much that I don’t even care that they took it upon themselves to go to Dublin for a while without me. TBH I would much rather work, work out and spend my time on myself seeing I barely even have time for myself. Same goes about money, I would much rather spend it on myself than for or with people.

now, love life lolol When have I not came on here without mentioning it? Soo like, I just finished whatever I had with this guy. The guy who broke my heart in 2015 and to whom I tried loosing my weight for last year for my revenge bod.. that was for him. So yeah I gave us a second chance and actually thought that we were going to go somewhere this time. Realised the whole entire time that yeah maybe I do like him.. but sadly it wasn’t enough for me to bring back my effort I made in 2015. When I told him “I don’t give out second chances” I really meant it. Ofcourse I really tried making it work, but everything was just eh to me.. like it didnt bother me that we dont see each other and yeah ok it kinda bothered me if he didnt text back but it wasnt that much of a bother where i was upset like the last time. So yeah we finished with him saying that if I planned this all along, to lead him on and shit. and that if this was the way to “get back” to him after he hurt me in 2015. to be honest, no, I just end up not having those feelings back, and considering I’ve met soo many guys before we tried again.. made me not really amazed of him like I was before,.

I really need to loose the gained weight soon cus I want my mojo and confidence back lolol The amount of people wanting to talk to me or recognising me when I was somewhat slimmer than currently, i really liked lol I mean I don’t mind right now being a lone wolf it’s just nicer being alone when you’re a queen.

To conclude, being with guys can really make your clown slip from your head. You’ve earned that crown, push it back up queens x

[news312gossip-blog]

Fuck Prysm

Allie Dunn At least Madeon tried to help. That sucksLike · Reply · 27 · January 1 at 10:07pmJimi Yu bogus afLike · Reply · January 1 at 10:45pmSang Du Someone tag the managerLike · Reply · 2 · January 1 at 11:46pmDean Shahed Erick BossLike · Reply · 2 · Yesterday at 12:04amXavier Diaz Can't wait for it to burnLike · Reply · Yesterday at 12:23amChris Kiefhaber Not to cause any issue but I mean he/she whatever they identify as does have a full beard and completely looks like a man so I can see where the bouncers/workers would have a problem considering prysm is a higher end club?Like · Reply · 3 · Yesterday at 12:37amJess Carol I kind of agree with you. What bathroom does he use? Cuz sorry, clubs are already kind of shady, but if I were in the bathroom and some bearded dude in a dress and sneakers walked in, I'd probably dip out real quick. And I KNOW I'm not the only female ...See MoreLike · Reply · 3 · Yesterday at 1:26am · EditedJose Cantu Female tickets are cheaper and maybe he found a loop hole 🤔Like · Reply · 20 · Yesterday at 1:28amView more repliesWrite a reply... Jose Rocha Oh shit some one is getting paid woot wootLike · Reply · 5 · Yesterday at 12:49amYareli Alquicira It's an awful club and I've only ever been there twice. I thought the first experience might have been isolated but the coat check people really do try to scam you out of every last dollar since they think you are too faced. F them.Like · Reply · 3 · Yesterday at 12:52amAugustine Ho Only been there once. Never going back. Worst club/venue experience I've ever had.Like · Reply · 1 · Yesterday at 1:17pmYareli Alquicira Yeah I'm definitely not going back after seeing this. It's actually really sad to see this happen to someone.Like · Reply · 1 · Yesterday at 2:35pmWrite a reply...JD De La Roca I'm surprised it took five months for this to happen at Prysm. Well at least, this has been the first time I see this occurred. Hopefully victim gets a respectable response from React.Like · Reply · 2 · Yesterday at 12:55amEva Herrera But why not just wear normal clothes as a man? Why does everything have to be a statement? You know places have dress codes, so why would you not take the safe road and not wear a dress with sneakers (like wtf, they wouldn't have let a female in the cl...See MoreLike · Reply · 10 · Yesterday at 1:16amJD De La Roca Laws protect gender identity, that's why. You can't question what gender the person is. By law, Prysm is required to accommodate transgendered personasLike · Reply · 16 · Yesterday at 1:27amJD De La Roca They sell tickets split by genders, but also they can get away with the small print. Which is unfair, because most ticket buyers buy tickets go see who's playing. Where victim wanted to see Madeon, but refused entry not once but twice.

Bace Bennings RIGHT. OF. ADMISSION. REFUSAL.

They're a private property. If they just don't like you then you aren't coming in, period. Your rights aren't legally protected here. Like · Reply · 9 · 22 hrs Yareli Alquicira Yareli Alquicira It's a private business that is accessed by the general public. They don't have a right to refuse business on basis of sexual orientation according to Illinois and Chicago human rights laws. Like · Reply · 22 hrs Yareli Alquicira Yareli Alquicira "However, like the pot of gold at the end of a rainbow, Illinois's Human Rights Act forbids refusing public accommodation based on a wider range of classes, including sexual orientation. Chicago also has its own Human Rights Ordinance that prohibits any business that is open to the general public from discriminating against people based on their sexual orientation or gender identity." Like · Reply · 22 hrs View more replies Scott Drazler

Write a reply... Choose File Alexandro Flores Alexandro Flores Fuckin wow. Looks like I won't be going there. Fuck that place Like · Reply · 3 · 21 hrs Mike EPee Mike EPee lol fuck this generation why should a bearded man be allowed to wear a dress into a night club with a dress code? Like · Reply · 5 · 20 hrs Julian Ramirez Julian Ramirez They didn't have a beard you ignorant prick. You can choke. Like · Reply · 1 · 19 hrs Mike EPee Mike EPee Why should someone who is obviously a man be allowed to wear a dress into a night club with a dress code? There, is that better? Like · Reply · 19 hrs View more replies Scott Drazler

Write a reply... Choose File Nick D'Angelo Nick D'Angelo The butt hurt is real on this thread....no pun intended....I'd also like to add that this generation is doomed Like · Reply · 7 · 19 hrs Ahmad Aloush Ahmad Aloush Live footage from the scene @ Prysm's entrance

https://www.facebook.com/Quecastroso/videos/276965845986219/ 'Ya llevame señor!!!' 00:31 12,381,912 Views Que CastrosoLike Page June 12, 2016 · Veracruz, Mexico · Take me now Lord!!!

Like · Reply · 2 · 10 hrs Mohammad Amer Irshaid Mohammad Amer Irshaid LMFAOOOO 😂😂😂🤣🤣 Like · Reply · 1 · 10 hrs Matthew Harrison Matthew Harrison Duuuude Like · Reply · 1 · 5 hrs View more replies Scott Drazler

Write a reply... Choose File Mohammad Amer Irshaid Mohammad Amer Irshaid Khaled Sumaira Seif M. Dahiyat Tanner Barra Like · Reply · 10 hrs Khaled Sumaira Khaled Sumaira Why the fuck did you tag me in this? Only shitty people go to shit clubs like this.... Like · Reply · 1 · 2 hrs Scott Drazler

Write a reply... Choose File Neo Kim Neo Kim This is a shit post. Don't get me wrong, I respect all those that identify as who they want. What I don't respect is people doing it for the wrong reasons and making it harder on the rest. The OP used a word that is just stupid, misgendering. First of ...See More Like · Reply · 6 · 9 hrs · Edited Jess Carol Jess Carol But the poster of this isn't the person who said they were denied entry. He just took a screenshot and shared someone else's post. But the actual person who was apparently denied entry has pictures of him dressing as a male and as a female, he obviousl...See More Like · Reply · 2 · 7 hrs Neo Kim Neo Kim So true!! It just screams "attention!" And that's what pisses me off. There are real people out there who go through this battle and it only makes things harder for them because assholes like this leave a sour taste in the mouths of the public. People today are just idiots. That's why I'm thankful for happy drugs and good music 😂 Like · Reply · 3 · 4 hrs · Edited View more replies Scott Drazler

Write a reply... Choose File JD De La Roca JD De La Roca What's sad about this whole thing, is that we live in a very angry world on both sides. Like · Reply · 4 · 8 hrs Jess Carol Jess Carol It's a tough subject.

There's people that are trans that don't need to make it a scene and get attention for it. There was a time when people were afraid to be known as transgender, and now it's thrown in everyone's face. Be what you want, but you also can't expect everyone to accept it. And when they dont, get over it and move on. No need for the scene. Like · Reply · 8 hrs · Edited Esteban Cortez Esteban Cortez 🤔 "make a scene" and make them change their ways or just don't go there and patronize another business that IS friendly. Like · Reply · 7 hrs Victor Fong Victor Fong I'm just gonna leave this here. Did they let him in wearing a dress and/or was he wearing one?.. A lot of these fools defending the door policy probably went to this party. LMAO. No automatic alt text available. Like · Reply · 4 · 7 hrs Brendan Trill Brendan Trill Just cus you wanna wear a dress doesn't make you a woman 😂😂 Like · Reply · 1 · 5 hrs Nick Bernstein Nick Bernstein Annnnnd out come the homophobes! This group is pretty gross Like · Reply · 7 · 5 hrs Robby Taylor Robby Taylor Lemme guess, you also think there are 82 genders^ Like · Reply · 2 · 5 hrs Nick Bernstein Nick Bernstein Bro u look like a garden gnome please don't talk to me Like · Reply · 5 · 5 hrs Nick Bernstein Nick Bernstein Don't they need u at expdia Like · Reply · 5 · 5 hrs View more replies Scott Drazler

Write a reply... Choose File Nick Bernstein Nick Bernstein I bet it'd be shocking to half of you that edm was invented by gay black dudes. And there were plenty of trans folks and drag queens at their parties. You scared yet? Lmao Like · Reply · 16 · 5 hrs Haider Rubicon Haider Rubicon I miss Boom Boom Room ;( Like · Reply · 3 hrs Arv Tvakli Arv Tvakli i wish this post right here could be pinned and brought to the top in bold capital letters Like · Reply · 2 · 2 hrs · Edited Scott Drazler

Write a reply... Choose File Nick Bernstein Nick Bernstein Like I'd love to see some of your reactions tied to a chair at Roscoes on a Thursday. Shit, I think y'all need some of that electroshock therapy Mike pence talkin about. Like · Reply · 6 · 5 hrs Arv Tvakli Arv Tvakli i used to live on that corner at newport and halsted a few years back.. let me tell yall, if you think you can 'turn up' and get 'lit', you haven't seen boys town proper. Like · Reply · 1 · 2 hrs Joe Thomas Joe Thomas edm kids know nothing about turning up like they do at hydrate from 2-5am Like · Reply · 3 · 2 hrs Scott Drazler

Write a reply... Choose File Haider Rubicon Haider Rubicon Dennis Rodman did not die for this Image may contain: 1 person, standing and sunglasses Like · Reply · 8 · 4 hrs Layna Klek Layna Klek I mean that's rude but you're still a man in a dress whether you like it or not Like · Reply · 3 · 3 hrs Nick Bernstein Nick Bernstein And you're a dumbass pile of synapses piloting a fucking meat suit okay? Judge and be judged Like · Reply · 2 · 3 hrs Layna Klek Layna Klek so I'm a dumbass because putting on a dress doesn't change who you actually are?? 😂😂 Yeah got me there. Like · Reply · 2 · 3 hrs View more replies Scott Drazler

Write a reply... Choose File Maddie Katz Maddie Katz Id like to see the dress on this guest, i feel like there is more to this. There are certain styles of dresses that wouldn't be as flattering on a transitioning body and i am not speaking for prysm or their door guys but I think the sneakers (id like t...See More Like · Reply · 3 · 2 hrs Esteban Cortez Esteban Cortez 🤔 Like the guy that was denied entry and was told by security that he looked like a stripper. Like · Reply · 2 hrs Alex Williams Alex Williams Image may contain: one or more people Like · Reply · 2 hrs Esteban Cortez Esteban Cortez Image may contain: text Like · Reply · 3 · 2 hrs Matt Jaroszewski Matt Jaroszewski People getting mad about this clearly have never been to a nightclub before. This isn't about orientation or identification this is about dresscode. While sketchy clubs can deny anyone for nearly any reason the fact of the matter is they're not gonna let you in if they don't like the way you look. Like · Reply · 2 hrs Brandon Braun Brandon Braun If you would of wore an Armani dress with some Luis V heels you wouldn't have gotten kicked out lmao. But a fucking dress with sneakers is just plain ignorant to get into PRYSM and most nightclubs in Chicago. Shoulda checked the dress code before you went. Plain and simple. Like · Reply · 1 · 2 hrs Brandon Braun Brandon Braun Also businesses have the right to reserve service to anyone so I just don't see the big deal. Like · Reply · 1 · 2 hrs Scott Drazler

Write a reply... Choose File Esteban Cortez Esteban Cortez Fashion faux pas are the worst Like · Reply · 1 · 1 hr Brandon Braun Brandon Braun Exactly it's the fashion the bouncers weren't being discriminatory Like · Reply · 1 hr Scott Drazler

Write a reply... Choose File Alex Williams Alex Williams Op that night Image may contain: one or more people, people sleeping, people sitting and baby Like · Reply · 1 · 1 hr Robby Taylor Robby Taylor That moment when Nick Bernstein went full pussy and makes a post in another group about how all of us are homo and transphobic and is proud of leaving. Kek Like · Reply · 1 hr Razan Gru Razan Gru You're a cuck. Leave please Like · Reply · 49 mins Dustin Meyer Dustin Meyer Lol razan is triggered Like · Reply · 26 mins Scott Drazler

Write a reply... Choose File Steve Gerard Steve Gerard What's really sad is all of you having a community to go get fucked up the way you do when if it wasn't for the gay/lesbian/trans community none of this shit would even be here.

Clubbing was a safe haven for these people and you fuck heads are gonna show up and turn it in to the one thing they seeked asylum from....See More Unlike · Reply · 17 · 1 hr Alex Muslin Alex Muslin Fucking this Like · Reply · 29 mins Maddie Katz Maddie Katz I cant help but think theres more to this story, i dont believe prysm would refuse someone based soley on sexual orientation but i still havnt been there and obviously dont know the whole story Like · Reply · 1 · 17 mins View more replies Scott Drazler

Write a reply... Choose File Amy Hechtman Amy Hechtman wowwwww Like · Reply · 57 mins Amy Hechtman Amy Hechtman im sorry Like · Reply · 57 mins Alex Muslin Alex Muslin I wonder how many of these people have seen the movie Party Monster & have heard about who Michael Alig is Like · Reply · 26 mins Steve Gerard Steve Gerard If it wasn't for Dave medusa, guys like myself, dom from pnc, Inphinity, and countless others would have never been given a platform.

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this is just a diary entry of my day w my love ok lmao 

Finally, after months and months of ditching each other last-minute, we got to meet on the second day of a promising new year. (So glad 2016 died)

When I got to the meetup location, I passed by a 7-eleven and bought two packs of chocolate milk and hid it in my handbag, because it’s the thing between us. Ever since that day you said you liked this brand of chocolate milk, I bought you a packet every (rare) time we meet, for old time’s sake. It really brings memories from MCS back. 

I picked you up at Exit B at the station and we ran into each others arm with a giant fluffy hug! “You smell really nice!” you said. “Yeahh I got this for Christmas!” “You got smelling nice for Christmas?” you joked. I said, “What??I got this perfume!!!” We laughed. Note: Victoria’s Secret: Bombshell. 10/10 will wear again. 

So we, being our spontaneous selves, strolled around Tai Wai for food. Tai Wai is truly my favourite place in the world - I only have good memories in it, and it is full of friendly people and just the perfect place for bonding experiences, no matter it’s with family, friends or crushes. We strolled down the street full of comfortably half-full restaurants and got way too immersed in our conversation. God, we haven’t seen each other for nearly half a year. How did I even survive in those days? Our conversations are simply natural and easy. It is so easy for us to keep talking, and even the dead air moments are comfortable - there is no such thing as an awkward silence between us. Knowing she is next to me is already so fucking enough. 

We went to the end of the vertical street and went back a bit, to eat in this neat little place with red chairs and red tables. They actually let us go upstairs instead of the ground floor because it was full, and wow I am glad about going upstairs. There are way less people and more space, so that we can talk and laugh as loudly as we like. We talked about my new year’s eve, which I got so fucking drunk and couldn’t tell Sharon and Aaron apart; the receptionist that asked me if im okay because I walk all slouched and with a grin fixed on my face; also, my drunk text to you that says “i locw you <3 <3 <3″. Then you told me about your drunk stories - well, technically it wasn’t you being drunk, cus you are such a good drinker. You told me about taking care of your friend Connor, who said “I’m not drunk” while lying on a bed full of his own puke. You are such a mom friend! 

I knew you were broke af this Christmas, so i pondered on making this dinner my treat, but you said that I can pay for dessert instead. Fair enough. We left the place and walked along the entire few blocks of Tai Wai Village. Despite living here forever, I never dared to stroll around like this, especially at night. You make me feel so adventurous and brave, baby. We talked about your wild af life in LPC after MCS, of fake ids and underage drinking and all that. I wish I could join you over there. 

We couldn’t find any good new places for dessert, so I suggested the one CCY told me about before, Summer Ice something. We were two blocks away from the place and suddenly, you took my hand. (i am internally screaming). You started to run and I did too, and god that was so liberating! I haven’t ran like a child for so long. We giggled and stumbled and stopped after a really short run, because we are so bad at sports. “I’m bad at the... you know, leg things!” you said. Our hands are still locked, and we walked by this creepy abandoned kindergarten. “Serial killers live here.” You said. “Naughty children gets sent here” I said. You then suggested we get really drunk one day and break in, to which I replied, “LPC is really getting into you, THAT IS SO WHITE.” We laughed. “But have you ever lived if you don’t do white things??!” Oh my god, this girl! Where are our conservative Good Chinese Girl characteristics, really?! 

We were lucky enough to get the big spacious couple seat in Summer Ice (I’m still fangirling over our luck to get THAT SEAT among so many others!) and ordered chocolate & banana waffles, and this peach drink. (A strawberry drink arrived instead, but eh. It’s good anyway.) 

This time, I asked you to take a picture. I was aware of how often I forget to take pictures when going out with important people in my life. This time, I didn’t. You took a pic of the waffles and a selfie of us. Both of us slayyyy! We talked and talked and talked and you fed me some sorbet on the drink. I screamed internally and ate it. Now I know you don’t mind me doing that either, I did that too, a good several times afterwards. You ate them off my spoon like the good date you are! (aaaaaahhhhhh!!!!) Both of us were too full for dessert actually, but we ate them anyway. By the end of this meal, we caught up with each other’s lives in the last 6 months, and I also found out more about your relationships. I’m so so so relieved that your ‘abusive’ recent ex never hit you, but was just manipulative. I hate to admit it but I got quite angry when you posted “I got out of a shitty abusive relationship” on your private instagram yesterday - I’m not sure what I’d do about that but it’s probably something snakey if your ex-bf ever hit you. Turns out he was just manipulative - phew! Also good to know that my girl is a fierce bitch at heart that ain’t afraid of breaking up with manipulative boys. That’s the girl I love! 

Your twin brother called you and told you to get back at 10:30 for Sherlock, so we finished up and left. We were holding hands again. The street lights gave us this very distinct shadow, and that’s when we put our arms around each other and held our body and cheeks close, just to watch our shadow do the same. She said, look at us, we should be this one big human together (or sth like that, i dont remember the exact wordings). I felt so content, this is so wholesome! 

I walked you back to your minibus station with the excuse of “my bus has a schedule, yours don’t”, but really, I just wanted to spend more time with you, be it 20 minutes or 2 minutes more. We stood at the station in comfortable silence, chatted about your teachers at LPC a little, then the minibus came. 

You gave me a good warm hug again, and complimented my fluffy cardigan. I’d love it a whole new way now. I suddenly remembered something - the chocolate milk. “Wait, I got something for you!” I said and pulled it out of my handbag (which you once complimented a couple years ago - I picked this out deliberately). You giggled again and I clearly remember what you looked like that exact moment, eyes closing into this pretty pretty line and shoulders scrunched a little, and your back arching slightly backwards, as if you couldn’t contain the happiness thrown at you! You were smiling so big and I was so happy that I can make you smile like that. Again, so wholesome. “I love you,” I said again as I went for another hug, which was returned generously. “I love you too.” She replied, and she boarded the minibus. “Bye!” I said. As I walked back to my shuttle bus station to go home. 

On the way from your station to my station, I turned back at least 4 times, hoping to see you wave at me, or perhaps just look at me and smile. I’d mouth to you, “I love you”, but damn my eyesight. I couldn’t see that far, and the inside of the minibus was so damn dark. Still, I stole a few glances at the minibus again. Only after it drove away did I finally stop turning back. 

As always, I need a song to remember this by. I chose Gale Song by The Lumineers, because I don’t listen to it often so it’s a clean state to collect memories and it’s the song I was listening to when i was waiting for you at Exit B - it had come on shuffle. I listened to the lyrics, only to find out it was a love song. 

This loneliness won't last for long I wasn't there to take his place I was ten thousand miles away

So when you hear my voice And when you say my name May it never give you pain

'Cause I don't wanna go But it's time to leave You'll be on my mind, my destiny

And I won't fight in vain I'll love you just the same I couldn't know what's in your mind But I saw the pictures You're looking fine

Gale Song - The Lumineers

Tell me, baby, how are we not lovers? Would we be together if you never left MCS? Probably. But we’re graduating in a few months, could we be together then? You said you wanted to leave Hong Kong. 

And most of all, do you love me back? Because I love you more than words could ever say. From June 2015 to 2nd January 2017, you are in my head every moment. 

And here, I've made a decision: When we graduate, I’ll ask you to be my girlfriend.

#a bold statement #personal #**r #*r #i love you #stay strong and stay fighting #when the big exams are over i have a surprise for you #i love love love love love you #so fucking much #fuck it my heart is beating weirdly again #love you baby