#i woke up fucking hyperventilating because i was so anxious at the thought of not being prepared to move lol

[dragons-and-yellow-roses]

I had a dream that it was moving day and I hadn't packed anything, my parents were in the city to help me move and I wasn't prepared at all, and it didn't inspire me to work on cleaning and packing but it did make me super anxious so. That's something.

#it was more terrifying than most of rhe nightmares ive had tbh #(in the dream) i was out relaxing at a park in the nice weather and my parents suddenly appeared and asked if i was ready to go #and i was so confused because its march and im moving in may. but in the dream it was suddenly may #so i like rushed back to my apartment and was trying to get my shit together but im super not prepared to move right now #i woke up fucking hyperventilating because i was so anxious at the thought of not being prepared to move lol #in my defense. that happened last time i moved kind of #i was moving by myself. and the day i had to move i wasnt fully packed and i had to get rid of a lot #it was an hours long endeavor and it really sucked to try and get my stuff together #that was actually such a bad dream. moving is going to suck because I'm moving with a dog a rabbit and two rats #and then all of my shit. and a lot of my sibling's shit. and then driving it eighten hours #eighteen hours with four pets and all of our stuff. and its just me and my dad for those eighteen hours. im gonna die #fuck i have to get packed. im moving in oess than two months. that time sneaks up on you #and then suddenly its moving day and you havent packed anything and its taking hours longer than expected #i think i have trauma from my last move tbh

[gale-in-space]

I'm not making this post rebloggable because I just know there are gonna be some people who take this in bad faith but like. Listen. You guys need to take care of yourselves if you are taking part in any activism okay

I had a hell of a panic attack the other night, and I'm only just now coming down from it two nights later. My blood pressure skyrocketed, and I genuinely thought I was going to die in some horrible way. And the thing is, the panicky feelings just kept coming back. I kept having bursts of anxious energy that just wouldn't let up, until it peaked completely and I started to shudder and hyperventilate. The only reason I was able to stop after awhile was because my body was finally responding to my sleeping medication, and I had tired myself out so much from panicking that I was finally able to sleep. I woke up the next morning still feeling quite anxious, but stable enough to get some simple tasks done (though I ended up having to take sick time from work).

And another thing; I'm gonna need you guys to get over the fact that it's "privileged" to look after yourself or to separate from the news. Because yknow what? You can't fucking help anyone if you've inundated yourself with stressful information to the point where you are hyperventilating in a cold sweat at 2 in the morning during the work week. I'm serious, take breaks. Do things that are enjoyable and leisurely. Exercise, eat healthy, read books, talk to friends, rest. Know your limits, listen to and honor your body, all that shit. Please.

#and that's my that on that #i'm uh.... gonna do some art studies now lol #and maybe do a little bit of drawing #sorry for being all ranty but i just want ppl to be aware of this. pls take care of yourselves

[1moreoffkeyanthem]

Will I be projecting this into a South Park fanfiction at some point probably very sorry in advance to either Kyle or maybe Tweek but tbh I gotta rant real quick about my supremely awful day

(Cut for both severe anxiety and possible eating problem triggers)

So like I act and stuff right. Low budget independent shorts, projects for the local film school, things of that nature. And I had a shoot today for a class that’s essentially focused on filming an 8 page script in 12 hours, teaches the students professionalism, all that.

I woke up anxious for reasons I couldn’t pinpoint, wore Kyle socks under my costume for powers, figured I’d be okay once I got into the swing of the shoot. I was not. There was this chunk of very specific scientific dialogue that I just COULD NOT get to come out in the right order, and what did my bitch ass brain do? Fucking spiraled with it. Which made talking harder, which made the “YOURE A FAILURE YOURE A FAILURE” internal dialogue worse, and it continued. And I had a goddamn panic attack on the soundstage.

I wound up shaking in the green room literally crying, someone had to go get my husband from the editing suite because they didn’t know what to do, I could HEAR the professor talking to his class about “when talent has emotional problems during production it’s important not to let them know they’re holding up the shoot”, and the worst part? This was less than an hour before we broke for lunch.

And I’ve vagued about this before, but I’m a recovered anorexic. About five years ago, I did the whole outpatient thing or whatever, was in therapy for a while for it, almost had to drop out of college for it, all that shit, and for the most part I consider myself to be fine now. But that mentality pops up every once in a while, and that shit is AWFUL.

The AD called for lunch, and my first fucking thought was “you don’t fucking deserve to eat you worthless piece of garbage”, and like NO BRUH TF?!? Having a goddamn stroke on set is literally no reason to punish yourself, like if anyone else was having a gnarly anxiety day I would absolutely be encouraging them to take it easy on themselves, hydrate and eat, whatever they need, so how fucked up is it that I couldn’t do that for myself. I did wind up having a slice of the college film student set staple that is little cesars cardboard ass pizza bc Opposite Actions, but it was a huge mental struggle.

It’s definitely worth noting that NO ONE was nasty to me about my breakdown, at least not to my face, even though I was completely fucked in the head afterwards for the remainder of the shoot. I’ve worked with a lot of these people before, they know me and know it was just a bad day, and one of the girls I worked art department with on a previous feature was script supervisor for this one, and she came into the green room and sat with me, stopped me from biting at my fingertips because I hadn’t realized I was making myself bleed, kept me from hyperventilating until my partner got there. The director got with his team to work out what footage they could get until I was more steady. The AD checked in constantly for the rest of the shoot. The other actor was incredibly sweet and shared anecdotes from his stage acting days to cheer me up whenever I’d get anxious over a missed word in a take. No one was a dick to me. At all.

Except myself.

I don’t like to consider myself mentally ill, despite the fact that I know there’s no shame in it; I’m diagnosed with anxiety and depression, plus the whole eating disorder thing, obsessive compulsive disorder, I’ve been told I should get evaluated for autism (tbh yeah probably) like yall I’m a fucking disaster. But no one, NO ONE will ever be as hard on me as I am on myself. Also, it was a student production the Friday before spring break. They cut shots and wrapped early because nobody wanted to be there.

If you can step back and put shit In perspective, it helps. Unfortunately I’m very bad at that.

Very sorry for the rant being a person is fucking stupid but at the end of the day I love helping people tell the stories they want to tell and also wearing south park socks under my 1950s scientist costume.

#anyway back to the regularly scheduled pce being feral abt her favorite boys #my day sucked fucking ass and now I’m going to try and find style whump that I haven’t read yet #I’m a walking disaster #it’s fine #I will almost certainly not find any #personal #very sorry to anyone who reads this that may be triggered by both Ed thoughts and anxiety that’s not my intention #also shoutout to the boom op who gave a Tylenol and said *ARE YOU A FUCKING SNAKE* when I draw swallowed them

[thoughts-and-more-sadness]

Last night he’s been going through his phone and deleting his pictures. Cleaning up albums. He found all the pictures of old chats with Eric that he dug through. I didn’t want to look at them but in one he called me wifey. I just told him to delete them and don’t read them. He told me he should’ve left me. He told me he was so mad that he was having a hard time not kicking me out just then. He told me he should’ve killed Eric and he still should. I just ignored him and tried to watch my movie I was really disturbed. Because he probably would kill both of us. He talks about killing people enough that I wouldn’t be surprised. I asked him if he wanted more water and he ignored me and refused to make eye contact. He turned his back away from me to show how angry he was at me. He fell asleep like that hours early too. He wasn’t even on his phone he just stared off all pissed. I felt really sad. He’d say that to me still while pregnant he’s gonna keep saying he should’ve left me and hurtful things for long after. I got really sad, I really needed attention. I couldn’t sleep for shit all night. He woke up and wanted sex. I said I wanted kisses or attention like come on we just had sex. He laughed and said like that means anything. Like sex means nothing I guess. I started to cry. He laughed at me for crying. He didn’t apologized he just put a arm around me. I couldn’t sleep but he did. I cleaned up my phone a bit and it was hard because so many photos of Barney and Henry. Some videos of Eric playing with Henry. I got really sad.

Once he left for work I was happy to have the bed to myself because this is when I get good sleep. The bed is small. So often times hell half lay on me or push me to the very edge. It made me miss my trailer bed. But I didn’t sleep good. I kept having nightmares.

The first one was me and him were on a vacation and staying camping out in a trailer. It was like a rave or concert thing because titties were everywhere and he was drooling over all of them. I said something about a threesome and he left me in the trailer. He was all excited. I guess he went to go find a girl and I got anxious and tried to make the trailer nice and tidy like the little details mattered. Then I heard fucking next door. And it was Anthony and I screamed and banged on the door. They were naked, she was light skinned and curly haired and perfect tits. I kept screaming at him and kicked him out. Then I was stuck in there with her. I interrogated her on what the fuck was happening in here. She went to kiss me or something and I just didn’t want to. Like my sexual appeal just died because I got so taken advantage of. I woke up hyperventilating and I couldn’t breathe. I had a headache and I felt like I needed rescuing. Like it’s one thing to trust someone to respect your boundaries and take an adventure but then get taken advantage of. I don’t think I can ever handle that again it’d kill me.

Eventually I went back to sleep. I was in a college classroom with a customer. Then suddenly I was walking through like dorms and I needed to go down the elevator but they were broken and I have such a fear of elevators. I had his boa around my neck and she started feeling so heavy I had a panic attack and she started trying to bite me. A girl had Anthony in her phone so I borrowed it to call for help. I guess people were sending their like dogs down a elevator that was working so I thought maybe the snake in a bag because she was making me panic. But Anthony just said he was still mad at me or he didn’t wanna talk and I was left hanging and I saw on her phone that she actually dated him or something. I was full blown panic attack and breathing heavy when I woke up again. I guess a 8 foot boa weighting you down and scary broken elevators and a break up envision my brain right now.

I had plans to apply to jobs and be productive today but I don’t know if I can even use the bathroom until Anthony gets home and makes me. I’m so fucked up. I forget to eat too which is bad because baby.

[wowitsel]

dear spencer

Spencer Reid x fem! Reader

(not my GIF)

masterlist

Summary: You find out Spencer had been cheating on you, you write him a letter goodbye. (part two)

WARNINGS: suicide, self-harm, language, cheating

Category: ANGST

Word count: 1.8k

A/N: this pic deals with very serious topics. if you ever feel you need anyone to talk to, or just be there for you, I'm here. 

When you woke up in the morning, you smiled when you saw your boyfriend, Spencer, in the bed next to you. Seeing as the two of you both worked at the BAU, having a day off was rare. That’s why it was so strange when Spencer left the house to do “errands”. You were suspicious, rightfully so.

You knew the signs of lying. You were a profiler. You saw how he avoided eye contact when saying “I love you”, and how fidgety he was when saying he was going over to JJ’s.

Every fiber in your body was telling you to say something, but you didn’t.

+++

It was a paperwork day at work, and you were clicking your pen, procrastinating starting the work load, when you saw something. You saw Spencer, texting on his phone.

Dr. Spencer Reid was a technophobe. He never texted anyone, let alone you. So you knew something was up when you saw that.

You, again, felt the urge to say something. But you were so happy with the way things were, why would you want them to change?

+++

About two weeks had passed since that happened, and the team had been on a case, a local one. We were all at the MPD station, working on the case. All of a sudden, Morgan burst out laughing, saying “Ohhhhh pretty boy’s gettin’ some? You and Y/n got it on last night then?.”

“Ummm what?” Spencer replied, looking quite shocked and panicked.

“You got a hickey there Boy Wonder”

Spencer blushed, and then quickly covered it up and said, “Shut up”.

You sat there and said nothing, fully knowing that that hickey was not from you.

+++

One day, about three weeks later, you get a call from Derek, asking if you wanted to go out for lunch.

You accepted the offer, but when you arrived there, you could tell that something was very wrong.

“Hey baby girl. Why don’t you sit down so we can talk.” Derek told you gently.

“Ok”, was all you could say.

“Before I start, I just want you to know that I will always be there for you ok?” He waited till you nodded to resume, “Umm ok so, a couple days ago Spencer came into my office, and he confessed to me what he had done. He told me how he had… been… umm cheating on you. He told me how he met this girl at the coffee shop, and had been sleeping with her for a few months now. He begged me not to tell you and I said I wouldn't but I couldn't not tell you. I just want you to know that I am one hundred percent on your side, and I am so mad at him. I umm stopped talking to him after that…”

You had stopped listening after the words “cheating on you”. Your world turned blue, and cold, and you needed to get out.

“I have to go,” you said to Derek as you ran out of the restaurant, back to your house.

+++

As you opened the front door, you threw your bag on the floor, not caring about the well-being of it. You were sobbing, so many tears were effortlessly flying out of your eyes. You were hyperventilating by the time you got to the staircase. You crawled up the stairs, and went into the bathroom. You twisted the lock closed, just in case anyone tried to get in, then collapsed onto the floor.

Your hot face felt good on the cold tile, but that was the only part of you that felt good.

Your eyes blurred with tears, and your heart sunk down to your stomach. An anxious feeling slowly creeped through your body as it shook, you could taste the saltiness of the tears.

It was so overwhelming. Everything was crashing upon you. The weight of the world was on you, and you felt so helpless.

The bathroom reminded you of Spencer. All the good times you had in there. When he’d wrap his arms around you when you were brushing your teeth, and you’d giggle and say, “Hey! Stop it! I need healthy teeth. Do you not want me to have healthy teeth?”

Reminiscing just seemed to make you cry harder. You thought about how you would never be able to have that again. Not after what he had done. The thought of that made you shudder.

In an attempt to get your mind off of Spencer, you thought about all the other good things in your life, the other things you could live for. But you were hit with the harsh reality, when you couldn’t think of anything. You thought about your parents, who were not the worst parents ever, but never talked to you, or put in any effort. You thought about your brother, he was so mean to you, and never expressed anything that could tell you that he loved you. And lastly you thought about friends, or your lack thereof. Sure, you had a few people who you talked to, every once and awhile, but no one really, to walk with you, and no one who truly cared that much about you.

You desperately tried to think of something to live for. You thought of what Derek had said, “I just want you to know that I will always be there for you ok?”. But your mind shut that down as him just being polite.

You then thought about the rest of the team. You thought that they might care for you. But then the little voice in the back of your head told you that, “No, think about how much longer Spencer has been on the team, they obviously love him more.”

In a far fetched attempt to calm down, you grabbed a glass of water that you had left there. But your hands were shaking so much, that you dropped the glass, and it shattered all over the floor. You picked up a piece of the glass, and you knew what you were going to do.

You knew before you ended your life, you wanted to write a final letter, so very shakaly, you found a pen and paper, and wrote this letter:

Dear Spencer,

I don’t know if I can ever forgive you. You were the person I loved most, the person who brought me the most happiness. But I guess that also gave you the power to hurt me, and damn, did you fucking hurt me.

I still can’t comprehend the fact that Derek was the one who told me. And that you wouldn’t have even told me if he didn’t. If you hadn’t done this, you would still have a best friend, and your girlfriend. But I guess that was your choice.

I wanted to thank you for all the good times we had though. All the times I actually wanted to wake up in the morning because I got to spend time with you, and all the times we would watch the sunset together. We were so happy, or at least I was.

Did I do something wrong, was I a bad girlfriend? Or was I just that bad at fucking that you needed someone better in bed to satisfy your “needs”? Either way, I hope you’re happy now.

You know, when I first met you, I was at rock bottom, and I wanted to leave this world. You gave me something to live for, but now, I’m back where I started.

I can’t do this anymore. The pain is too much. I can’t go into work everyday and see you there. I can’t live knowing that I’m truly alone. I mean I have my parents and friends but none of them truly know me, or even made an effort to do so. I thought you were the one to do that, but I guess I was wrong.

I’m just so tired of this world. I’m so tired of living, of having to do so much everyday. It’s too much for me. I feel so stuck. There’s no way out of this life. I can’t do it anymore.

I guess I just wanted you to know that this is not just because of what you did. What you did was just the trigger. You were the one good thing in my life, but now you’re gone.

You hurt me, but despite that, I still love you. I don’t really know why.

So… I guess this is goodbye Spence.

Maybe we’ll see each other in the afterlife…

I’ll love you forever,

Y/n L/n

When you had finished writing the letter, you folded it, placed it on the counter, and then grabbed a piece of glass.

+++

When Spencer came home that evening, he was totally oblivious to what had happened.

“Hey babe! I’m home! Where are you?” he asked, putting his stuff away.

He first noticed something was wrong when he saw her bag found on the floor, and the residue of tears on the floor.

In a panic, he ran upstairs yelling, “Y/n! Are you ok? Where are you?”.

Due to the nature of their jobs, his mind jumped to all the possibilities of what could have happened, was she kidnapped? Yet he kind of wished she was kidnapped, instead of what he saw.

Spencer saw the bathroom door locked, you never locked the door, and he knew that.

Channeling Morgan, Spencer knocked down the door. The moment he saw you on the floor, tears formed in his eyes, and he screamed out, almost as if he was in pain.

He quickly dropped down to his knees, shaking your body, yelling, “Y/n! Y/n! Please wake up. Please… please… I can’t do this without you.”

He quickly ripped his shirt off, and wrapped it around your wrists, to stop the blood. But before the cuts were wrapped, he saw them, and he knew what had happened.

He warily placed two fingers upon your neck, searching for a pulse. And when he couldn’t find one, he just pressed even harder, desperate to find a heartbeat.

When Spencer didn’t find a pulse, he began to attempt CPR, pressing down on your chest with the little energy he had left. As the minutes passed, it became shockingly apparent that it wasn’t going to work… you were dead.

Choking on the sobs that were threatening to spill out of his mouth, he stood up. How could this have happened? You were so happy. He thought, not knowing that you knew about his affair.

When he went to wash the blood off his hands, he saw your letter on the couture, and began to read it.

Dear Spencer,

#spencer reid #spencer reid fanfiction #spencer reid x reader #spencer reid angst #spencer reid fanfic #criminal minds fanfiction #criminal minds imagine

[sparkandwolf]

Oblivious (read on ao3)

Pairing: Stiles Stilinski/Derek Hale Rating: General Summary: “What is all… this?” Stiles asked, dropping his work bag on the floor and shutting the door blindly behind him. “Why do you look all--” Stiles’ gulp interrupted his words and he said nothing else.

“I just figured…” Derek began, clearing his throat when anxiety reared its ugly head.

Stiles sniffed the air and said, “Is that Honey Garlic Chicken?” Before Derek could answer, Stiles catapulted himself down the stairs and lifted the cover to the crockpot, inhaling the mouthwatering aroma. “It is. And--” Stiles sprinted toward the table to sniff at the flowers adorning it. Derek had to pull him away when he got a little too close to the flames burning the candles on either side of it. “Flowers and candles, Derek? What is going on?”

For @sterekvalentineweek day two: Anniversary

When Derek woke up in the morning, it was one of the first times he rose with a grin on his face in weeks. He had the entire day planned out. Stiles was sleeping over - as he usually did on Fridays and Saturdays - and should arrive at the loft right after his workday was done. He had always packed an overnight bag prior to this unspoken agreement, but he had left enough stuff at Derek’s place throughout their relationship that he could just come by whenever he wanted. 

The thought alone made Derek’s heart warm and his smile widen as he tore his sheets off the bed, ready to replace them with fresh, clean ones that Stiles always seemed to appreciate. He thought back to the first time Stiles spent the night in his bed and couldn’t help but laugh at the surprise that always seemed to shine in his eyes when Derek made the loft more theirs than his. He always had Stiles’ favorite sheets on the bed and dinner ready for when he got home - to Derek’s place, really - and it was usually a meal Stiles had expressed craving the week before. 

Derek wasn’t sure why Stiles had chosen him a year ago when they had decided to take their relationship to the next level. It was so gradual that Derek almost wasn’t sure Stiles was actually interested. The kiss they had shared in this thick of battle with that month’s big bad was one that ran through Derek’s mind almost every single day since it had happened. They didn’t kiss often, usually when Stiles was too tired to think about it or when Derek got up the nerve to initiate it, but when they did, it knocked him off his feet. 

He wanted to do that to Stiles, which was why his loft was getting a full treatment that day. He had cleaned the night before, putting away anything and everything that might make the place seem solitarily Derek’s so that Stiles would feel more comfortable saying yes when Derek asked him to move in. He thought they had reached that point. Stiles spent as much of his free time he could during the week there and it was rare that their entire weekends weren’t spent with each other. It just made sense, especially since it had been exactly a year since their first kiss. 

His phone chimed brightly, signifying a text that would only be from Stiles, and he beamed down at it as he opened the message. 

If Parrish makes us stop for coffee one more time during this shift, I’m going to lose it. I’m gonna be so hyped up when I get to your place, the message read. Derek laughed and remembered the last time Stiles had been almost high on caffeine. He crashed so hard that night, they barely had time for a goodnight kiss before Stiles slammed his head into the pillow and was out like a light. 

Derek responded quickly, I’ll have plenty of food to help counter your caffeine hangover, promise. 

And he did have a lot of food. He might have gone a bit crazy with the anniversary meal if he was honest with himself. He had gotten a special recipe from Stiles’ father - one that his mother used to make him for special occasions as a kid - that was already prepared in the crockpot, just waiting to be turned on and readied for their candlelit dinner. 

Derek felt ridiculous when he walked down the stairs to see his loft sparkling like a professional cleaning service had been hired to tidy it up. He had worked hard; he bought an extra dresser, cleaned out half of the closet for Stiles to hang his flannels, made room in the cupboards for the snacks Stiles would definitely make Derek carry if he decided living together was a good plan. He was prepared to take this step with Stiles and truly hoped Stiles was ready to do the same. 

Hours ticked by and Derek found himself increasingly nervous as he set up the vase of flowers the florist in town convinced him Stiles would love. They were a mixture of blues, purples, and whites and aptly named Beautiful in Blue. Derek liked them immediately as Stiles was the only one who seemed to prefer the sapphire color of his eyes over the more common golden hue. The florist wiggled his eyebrows at Derek and asked who they were for and seemed more than surprised he was buying them for Deputy Stilinski. He didn’t think they were keeping their relationship a secret by any means, but the sheer shock on the florist’s face irked him enough to toss the money across the counter and run out with the vase as quickly as he could. 

When the door started to slide open, Derek adjusted the skinny black tie around his neck, feeling suddenly suffocated by the choice in accessory. He had Cora help him with his outfit. She chose dark skinny jeans and a skinny tie to match but left him on his own with the rest. He’d chosen a dark tan shirt that Stiles had once commented on liking and didn’t think about it any further. He was regretting that, too, as Stiles’ eyes widened considerably, barely glancing away from Derek as he walked in. 

“What is all… this?” Stiles asked, dropping his work bag on the floor and shutting the door blindly behind him. “Why do you look all--” Stiles’ gulp interrupted his words and he said nothing else. Derek’s nerves only increased. It wasn’t often he had Stiles speechless and he couldn’t tell if it was a good thing at that moment or not. 

“I just figured…” Derek began, clearing his throat when anxiety reared its ugly head. 

Stiles sniffed the air and said, “Is that Honey Garlic Chicken?” Before Derek could answer, Stiles catapulted himself down the stairs and lifted the cover to the crockpot, inhaling the mouthwatering aroma. “It is. And--” Stiles sprinted toward the table to sniff at the flowers adorning it. Derek had to pull him away when he got a little too close to the flames burning the candles on either side of it. “Flowers and candles, Derek? What is going on?” Derek froze and found himself surprisingly frustrated that Stiles had forgotten. He was well aware that they hadn’t celebrated an anniversary before but it had been an entire year and Derek thought that feat in itself was worth a bit of celebration. 

“You don’t remember?” Derek asked, resting his thumbs in his pockets to try and stave back the claws threatening to break through. He had worried something like that would happen - that he had made mountains out of molehills again - but he didn’t expect that Stiles would look so… scared. “God, I’m so stupid, I’m sorry. I just figured it had been a year since--” 

“Since we kissed, the first time,” Stiles whispered, glancing around the room like he was continuing to take everything in. 

“Yeah,” Derek agreed in a whisper. He took a step toward Stiles and sighed heavily before continuing, “A year since we first kissed, a year since we made our feelings to each other known, a year that we’ve been together.” At that admission, Stiles gasped loudly and held onto the table beside him as if to steady himself. Derek was more concerned than anything as Stiles’ breathing turned to hyperventilating. 

“Oh my fucking god,” Stiles exclaimed, running his hand over his face which was a motion Derek was familiar with when he had gotten anxious. 

“It’s really okay, Stiles, we can just--” 

“We’ve been dating! For a year! We’ve been in an actual relationship for a year and I--” Stiles pressed his hands against Derek’s chest when he made a move to get closer, wanting nothing but to comfort Stiles through whatever panic had overtaken him. “I didn’t know. Jesus Christ, Derek, I didn’t know!” 

Derek raised an eyebrow at him, too stunned to say anything besides a choked, “I’m sorry?” 

Before the words could fully register, Stiles gripped onto Derek’s tie and to Derek’s surprise, pulled him into the most passionate kiss they had ever had. It was not dissimilar to their first one - both of them injured and still fighting, but needing to let the other know they were gonna make it through - in the way that it wasn’t planned and it poured every ounce of emotion each of them were feeling. Stiles ran his other hand behind Derek’s head and threaded his fingers through his hair, holding on like if he didn’t, Derek might float away. 

He couldn’t imagine pulling away from a kiss like that, though. His hands gripped at Stiles’ waist, one sliding around to hold the small of Stiles’ back if only so Derek could pull him closer. Their tongues brushed together timidly like they had never kissed like that before and Derek’s heart jolted when he felt Stiles get lost in it. They kissed for what felt like hours as if they were making up for the last year of subtle pecks and slow, sleepy presses of lips that could have been so much more. 

When Stiles finally pulled away, his cheeks were flushed and his lips reddened and even plumper than they usually were. The sight was so beautiful, Derek had to convince himself not to bring Stiles to his bed right then and there. Stiles’ mouth opened and closed like he was searching for an apology or words he couldn’t quite capture in his mind and Derek leaned their foreheads together, taking a deep breath before he could bring himself to speak. 

“I was going to ask you to move in with me,” Derek whispered, keeping his eyes closed because he was scared of Stiles’ reaction. He heard the sharp intake of breath and the only reason he opened his eyes was because Stiles tugged the hair on the back of his head none too gently. 

“We’ve been dating for a year and I’ve loved you for longer,” Stiles said once their eyes met. Derek’s heart leaped and he squeezed Stiles a bit harder. “I’ve been practically living here for months and from what I’ve gathered, you don’t mind that?” 

Derek shook his head and replied, “I want you here more.” Stiles let out a laugh that sounded relieved and Derek was grateful for that. 

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Stiles asked, smiling softly at Derek. 

“Everyone else knew, Stiles. It was obvious to literally everyone! I asked your dad for your mom’s old recipe and he asked if it was for our anniversary. I asked Scott how much room you would need to move in and he came over and helped me rearrange. I didn’t think it needed saying!” Derek said, frustration clear in his voice. He wasn’t mad at Stiles, though. He couldn’t be mad when he could see Stiles beating himself up inside. He placed a gentle kiss on Stiles’ lips to stop the internal monologue he didn’t want to take away from their happy moment. 

“I always thought you were the oblivious one. I spent years pining after you before we finally kissed. I had this whole plan; in a few months, I would really kiss you, when neither of us could ignore it or play it off. Then I would ask you on a few group dates before gaining the courage to go out to dinner with me alone. Then I would convince you to let me move in and we’d live happily ever after,” Stiles explained. He had calculated every moment that had already been happening and Derek couldn’t help but laugh at the overanalysis that was so entirely Stiles. 

“We’ve done most of that, you idiot. We’ve gone out with the pack, we go on dates by ourselves, we cuddle on the couch for Christ’s sake. Can we skip that and just have you move in right now?” Derek asked. He was done waiting and he wasn’t about to start over with Stiles. He was ready for Stiles to be in his life forever and he wanted forever to start as soon as possible. 

“How does Sunday sound?” Stiles asked, checking the watch on his wrist. Derek rolled his eyes but nodded, grinning widely as the timer on the fridge indicated dinner was ready. 

“Are you gonna let me romance you like I planned now?” Derek retorted, placing one final chaste kiss on Stiles’ lips. Stiles chased after him as he pulled away, but Derek was already making his way to the kitchen. 

“Does this plan end with me in your bed?” Stiles asked, wiggling his eyebrows as he followed and wrapped his arms around Derek’s waist. 

“I even put on your favorite sheets,” Derek responded and Stiles’ groan of contentment made it all worth it. Stiles seemed attached to Derek the entire night and if Derek thought things were perfect before, he knew they were then. 

#sterekvalentineweek2021 #sterek #sterek fic #stiles stilinski #derek hale #derek x stiles #stiles x derek #my writing #ahhhh i love this one!!! #i hope you do too!!

[ninnodesu]

“Can I See You?” ch 2 || Modern!Thomas

Well. People apprently wanted more of modern!Thomas, so naturally, my brain conjured up a continuation.  GUESS WE HAVE TWO LONG STORIES NOW, FRIENDOS

I AM GOING TO TAG EVERY CHAPTER OF THIS FIC AS CICU IN CASE YOU WANT TO BLOCK OR FOLLOW!

TWs: - Mentions of rape - Broken bone - Mentions of cannibalism - Mentions of murder - Murder

He could see in your eyes, how the tears welled up and streamed down your face that you’d recognize him and he left. He couldn’t look at you at this point, couldn’t look at you cry because of him. He heard you cry behind him as he turned to go into his basement bedroom, his heart stung in his chest as he heard you beg and scream in fear. Closing the bedroom door, he proceeds to lean up against it, back pressed hard to it, eyes shut closed. Some kind of desperate way to make your panicked begging go away.

I can't, I can't, I can't, his inner voice chant like a mantra. His anxiety gets the better of him and he starts pacing, the wood under his feet already marked with a worn-out pattern left by his heavy boots after years and years of anxious pacing. A fierce battle erupts in his mind.

- I can't kill her - You have to, and you know it - No, I won't - Come up with one good reason to fistfight the old man about this - He would die and I wouldn't have to do this fucking thing anymore - And what? You'll live happily ever after with this woman? - I… - She would never accept the truth

Returning to his original place with his back to the door, he slowly sinks down to sit on the floor, one leg sprawled in front of him, the other resting under it. He's lost, he doesn’t know what to do. If he lets you go, you'll go straight to the police. If he kills you, he'll never hear from you again, he'll never see your face again, a sudden wave of intense nausea hits him at the thought of keeping the skin of your face to make a new mask. No, no he can't do that.

This is the first time since he had to butcher his first human that he feels genuinely lost.

He's mad at his uncle for wasting the low amount of money they do have on ugly hookers and booze, having Thomas resort to this way of living. He never truly did want this. The first time Charlie, or Hoyt as he wants to be called now - although Thomas never really did care about his apparent name change and still called him by Charlie to piss on his ego - talked to him about this, he threw up minutes after being left alone.

He still remembers the first time he got forced into butchering a person, just like it was yesterday, even though it’s nearly four years ago.

That day, he was on his way home from work, ending the day with bashing his old boss’s head in with a sledgehammer. The old man had disrespected his family, something Thomas wouldn’t stand for. Knowing that the security cameras were already turned off, he swung the hammer out of anger. He was mad that they were closing the slaughterhouse and he was hurt by the words that had been spoken. No one disrespects his family and gets away with it. Killing his boss didn’t wake any regrets. He believed the old man deserved it. The afternoon sun was still blazing down at his already sweaty form, propping his headphones on his head, he turned the music on full blast and lumbered home with no care in the world.

His right hand carried a memento of his old work, the slaughterhouse’s chainsaw.

As he had come out from a few trees up on the gravel road, a police car was parked by the side of it, the harsh blue and red light blinking to get his attention. Figuring he was caught, he took the headphones off, letting them rest around his neck and stopped in the middle of the road. His hair blew in front of his face as he took heaving breaths, waiting for the piercing pain of a bullet.

Bang! Thud.

What greeted him instead of searing pain, was Charlie standing behind him, brandishing a shotgun and looking down at a police officer with the head blown off. Everything after that is a blur. Vague memories of Charlie talking to him about the plan, the body was laid out on an old table in the basement. He’d never seen this side of his uncle before, so he tuned out.  Words like “ do it”, “no money left”, “can’t afford”, “ butcher him ”, “don’t tell mama” and the worst sentence he’d heard in his life; “ you have to do this, Tommy. For the family. We need meat to survive, boy.” echoed in his mind.

A loud bang coming from outside woke him from his memories. When he just seconds later heard your voice in a shrill pitch, he almost jumped off the floor and hurried out only to see you laying on the floor with half the table over you, the other half leaning against the metallic sink.

Jesus christ…

Being left alone again, your thoughts start racing and your heart along with it.

Where did he go? Why is he here? Does he live here? Is he going to kill you? Rape you? Keep you as a hostage? Was that his family? What? Why? Where?

It’s quiet, but you hear a faint shuffling coming from somewhere close to you. All you can do is lay there and look up at the ceiling, and to your left or right.

On your left you see what looks like a workbench, an apron rests on a hook next to it. It looks well used, stained with a dark and muddy hue of red. There's a sink and dirty towels hanging off the edge of said sink. The sight to your right, however, makes your stomach flip and turn on itself. There’s cleavers, knives, hooks. Huge bins stained with the same red hue as the apron. Putting all the puzzle pieces together, your breathing increases, teetering on the edge of hyperventilating. Thomas, your Thomas. The Thomas you’ve gotten to know, the one you’ve missed for these two weeks, the one who made you all giggly when he sent you the first full-face selfie of himself… a murderer.

As the adrenaline starts shooting through your body, you try wiggling a bit to see how bolted down you are. Your fastenings are tight and they burn as you try pulling your hands out. The metal just digs into your skin resulting in nasty burns.

Fuck…

That’s when an idea - or rather a small glimpse of hope - blooms in your head. Hopefully, the table is not bolted down. It’s a stupid idea, and you know that if Thomas doesn’t kill you, the table most likely will. But rather the table, than the man you’ve slowly started to fall in love with during the months you’ve talked. Getting killed by Thomas’ hands would haunt you more in the afterlife than anything else.

Gathering all the remaining strength, you throw the entirety of your body not bolted down to the side, doing your best to ignore the burning in your wrists and ankles. The first attempt yielded nothing major, the table moved, yes, but not to the extent you wanted. So you do it again, this time, the table goes down, and you with it. You feel the bone in your leg crack before you feel the brutal pain that explodes through it.

Your scream is high to the point where you feel your vocal cords strain and your voice slowly becoming lower, raspier. The pain is enormous, the throbbing pain in your leg thrumming together with your rapid heart. But - thankfully - your scream summons movement, footsteps, and voices. The most prominent footsteps, heavy ones, belong to Thomas as he’s the first one to your side. Even if you can’t see him, you see his clunky boots and grayish jeans, at least you hope that’s Thomas and no one else. All you do is sob onto the floor, your tears pooling under your chin at the pain radiating from your leg… and the burns around your wrists. It takes a full minute before you see big fingers curling around the edge of the table, a grunt coming from above you before your vision starts flying. He was lifting the table up. A loud, hoarse cry escapes your dry throat as the table thuds back into place, jolting your broken leg.

You're about to scream again when your brain catches up to the cleavers and knives hanging to your right but quickly after the first raspy pitch leaves your throat, a hand clamps over your mouth. The rasping sound is muffled under the big hand and you can feel it moisten due to your breath, but all he does is put a finger to his lips in a shushing motion and plead with his eyes for you to stay quiet. Which you don’t, you rasp out a hoarse scream against his palm and keeps shooting daggers at him. My god, are you pissed right now.

Who the fuck are you, and what have done to the Thomas I know, you fucking animal!

You don’t quiet down until you hear that sliding door slide open again and an angry voice rings out. "Thomas! What the fuck is that racket?!"

Thomas jerks his head up as he hears Charlie's voice. He's not sure what to do, his uncle’s footsteps thud down the stairs and soon enough, Thomas sees him in full and exchanges eye contact. "This bitch is still alive? Why haven't you taken care of'er yet, ya idiot?".

Shit uh…

He glances down at your dagger filled eyes while trying to figure how to keep you quiet and talk to his uncle at the same time, needing both hands to do so. He can't sign to Charlie if his hand is clamped over your mouth. Letting out an annoyed grunt, he grabs the nearest towel and shoves it into your mouth as quickly and deep down he can without choking you, making sure you can’t spit it back out. Seeing you so shocked, and angry and… some other kind of emotion he couldn’t place, he got the urge to show you some kind of affection. Resulting in him patting your cheek, his huge hand basically engulfing half your face before walking over to the stairs.

"Well?", Charlie spits out his venomous words. Thomas' hands fidget a bit, nervousness taking a hold of him.

'I know her' The same signs that he kept on repeating earlier, annoyance building inside him knowing that his asshole of an uncle refuses to learn more. Making it almost impossible to have a normal conversation with him. "Listen, Tommy, I. Don’t. Care.", the looks between the men are like venom. "You were 'sposed to get to work on'er before mama gets home. You know damn well how much she hates when the cattle scream." Thomas really can’t help the smirk hiding beneath his mask when he hears that. He glances up the stairs before checking the time on his wristwatch before shrugging, pointing to it, and slowly signing two words he knows Charlie can decipher.

'Fifteen minutes'

That's when Charlie grabs the neck of Thomas' shirt and yanks him forward, the only reason he's able to is that he manages to catch him off guard. His breath reeks of alcohol. A clear cut sign that he’s drunk. "Listen here, you bastard. I've had enough of your defiance today. If you ", he stabs a finger in Thomas' chest at the last word, "don't take care of that girl, I will . And you know damn well I ain't going easy on'er." Charlie releases Thomas with a shove, making him stumble backward slightly. The final words from Charlie’s mouth before leaving the basement stings in Thomas’ heart. "I don't want to see your ugly ass upstairs until she's done for."

Thomas watches him leave and turn towards you, who’s still crying silently on the table.

His heart stings more and more the closer he shuffles to you. Sure, he had had nights where he dreamt that he would meet you. But not like this. Never like this, never here. He did not want to see you on his butcher's block. At the same time, he moves to remove the towel he makes the same shushing motion towards you, with the same pleading eyes as earlier. This time, she nods. And Thomas lets out a sigh of relief. As he removes it, you’re panting, breathing sounding almost more like wheezing squeaks. He goes to rinse the towel under some lukewarm water to pat clean the bloody gash over the eyebrow that got hit to knock you out before getting here. All the time, he feels a burning gaze on him, from eyes that are seemingly watching his every move.

You wince when the damped towel touches your eyebrow, a wound you didn't know you had greeted you with a sting, a small hiss leaving you. Your eyes are glued to the giant man, making sure you see his hands at all times. You want to speak, but your throat is dry and hoarse, figuring out that your earlier screaming has annoyed your vocal cords to a great extent. So all you do is watch him. He, on the other hand, is doing his best to avoid making eye contact with you. And it pisses you off, but at the same time, it relaxes you and makes your heart hurt.

Why the fuck are you avoiding me?!

The thought makes your eyebrows furrow. He’s seen you naked, yet can’t fucking look you in the eyes? You try thrashing a bit with your shoulders to try and get his eyes to yours, but to no avail. His tender way to clean your wound surprises you. This huge killer, this murderer, and straight-up deranged man are making sure not to hurt you, and you can't help but breathe out a laugh.

That's when he - apparently - seems happy with his cleaning and turns his back to you, he turns the water on and it sounds like he's rinsing something. Shutting the water off he moves out of your line of sight. A slight panic arises in your chest at the thought that he might have gone off to fetch whatever tool he seems fit to end your life.  You hear a rummaging sound close by, and then he's back above you, looking down at you. This time, you feel a large hand on your head as he slowly and carefully tilts your head back, your eyes are met with harsh light and you shut them. That overwhelming want and need for him to look into your own eyes die down. Now, you don't want to look at him when he slits your throat.

But he doesn't.

You hear what sounds like a paper wrapping open. Two fingers press on either side of the gash over your eyebrow, a small whimper escapes you at the pinching pain, and then something sticky is attached to you. A band-aid. He had put a bandaid on the cut of your eyebrow. It isn't until you feel his hand leave your head that you open your eyes. And at that moment, your eyes are met with his blue ones. The way he's looking at you makes a tiny bit of your anger and hurt, and fear goes away. His blue eyes are filled to the brim with hurt, and sadness, and confusion. It almost looks like he’s about to burst into tears. He looks broken down.

Thomas fiddles a bit with the paper wrapper of the bandaid after making sure it's secured on your eyebrow and proceeds to look down into your beautiful eyes, your eye color popping in the harsh light. Something in them reflects his own emotions. He doesn’t want this, he punishes himself for not responding to your text messages the past weeks, or that he didn’t reach out to you. What he’s looking at is clear cut torture for him. He wants to cry.

I'm so sorry…

He hears the familiar clacking of his mother's shoes above the both of you, a sigh of relief escapes him. Patting the pockets of his jeans, he makes sure he has his phone and the keys to the basement before he heads over to the stairs. But he stops right before ascending them and looks over to you.

He pulls his phone up, unlocks it swiftly, and goes to his text-to-speech app, making sure the volume is put on high before typing out two words and hitting the speech button. A male voice rings out through the basement.

"I'm sorry"

#thomas hewitt #thomas leatherface hewitt #modern!thomas #modern au #thomas hewitt fanfiction #CICU #can i see you

[caprina-mints]

Hey, can I have a headcannon of eyeless jack, Jeff, clockwork, Toby finding their y/n asleep in the woods Gender neutral please 👌

Eyeless Jack :

✭ He'd Be pretty Damn angry at how careless you were.

✭ Who in the right mind would sleep in the middle of the woods completely vulnerable an unarmed!?

✭ Oh yeah.. You

✭ He wanted to teach you a lesson on the dangers of sleeping out here alone . He wanted to scare you so he Hid behind a bush throwing rocks at you and he pretty much imitated a demonic screeching from a demon that went berserk.

✭ That Got your attention and you Jolted up awake, your head snapping on every direction while making sure you're still in one piece.

✭ The bushes started rustling and you could hear a very audible and threatening growl within those rustling bushes and that got you scared shitless.

✭ You just woke up and now you had to be faced with this bullshit. Of course you're terrified.

✭ Standing up immediately you dashed away from your spot heading towards a random direction and you could hear stomping and loud footsteps following behind you.

✭ this time you thought you were fucked . Absolutely fucked but you didn't expect your boyfriend to randomly body slam you down on the ground.

✭ You were both relief and pissed because this fucking gray demon pulled that stupid stunt on you.

✭ he didn't give you the chance to voice out your wrathful anger when he started lecturing you about how dangerous it is to sleep in the woods alone.

✭ You appreciated the fact that he was looking out for you but the lecture he gave you took more than 5 hours straight and he had to shake you awake every time you dozed off and continue his lecture.

✭ by the time he was done you were completely asleep.

✭ Sometimes he wonders why he even started dating you but he couldn't find it in him either to imagine his life without you.

✭ Sighing in defeat he picked you up and carried you back to the mansion and tucked you in bed before placing a soft kiss on your forehead.

Clockwork :

❃ Like Jack she's pretty pissed off when she found you asleep in the middle of the damn woods.

❃ What if a bear suddenly appears and eats you? Or even worse, what if the Rake escaped and was roaming around again?

❃ She tried waking you up by shouting your name, pinching your sides, shaking you awake and even tickling you.

❃ It was no use.

❃ It was like this when you sleep. You turn into a fucking corpse that takes forever to wake up .

❃ You'd honestly be mistaken as a corpse if it wasn't for the rising and falling of your chest.

❃ She almost had it with you and was even considering the idea of stabbing your leg so you'd be awake seeing how dead you were in your state of unconsciousness.

❃ But that idea was set aside completely when you muttered Clockwok's name.

❃ You were lucky though. Because she was honestly about to stab your leg a second ago.

❃ Instead she managed to pull you on her back for a piggy back ride and thus began a slow and silent walk back to the mansion with you sound asleep on her back.

❃ But The moment you woke up you were face to face with an angry looking clockwork and yup. You better brace your ears for a whole 5000 pages worth of scolding form her..

Toby :

✃You learned a valuable lesson to never sleep in the middle of the woods again because of this boi of yours.

✃ You were asleep and unconscious when Toby spotted you laying motionless on the ground.

✃ You were a really heavy sleeper and didn't wake up to every attempt he made to pull you back into reality.

✃ He tried it with several attempts he actually thought you were dead and started crying.

✃ Yes he thought you were dead.

✃ He was very Hysterical about it and overly dramatic.

✃ Being emotionally unstable he was hyperventilating and started hiccuping while sobbing.

✃ You were slowly waking up because of the familiar tics and Toby's voice. His tics were more violent than normal though and he seemed to be sobbing?

✃ Opening your eyes you sat up from your position only to see flowers surrounding your being forming a big circle around you from where you laid and a flower crown on your head.

✃ " What the fuck Toby? "

✃ The moment he heard your voice he directly ran toweads you and strangled you in a very tight hug.

✃ You were confused but after slowly looking through the hints of what's happening you were starting to see the bigger picture here.

✃ He thought you were dead...

✃ " I thought you w-were dead! " Yup you stood corrected .

✃ You started rubbing his back while rocking your body along his in a back and forth motion which slowly calmed him down.

✃ " D-Don't leave me... " He muttered making you frown.

✃ This boy will be the death of you. You're becoming too soft around him.

✃ " Wouldn't dream of it " You replied and he snuggled onto you the blissful smile on his face didn't go unnoticed by you.

✃ He held your hand tightly and you hummed a small tune that slowly lulled him to sleep.

✃ A small nap with Toby wouldn't hurt right?

✃ You were about to fall asleep when you heard footsteps approaching you and it was more than 1 alright.

✃ " You're alive? " Ben appeared out of nowhere along with the rest of the creeps

✃ you couldn't even form a proper expression because all the muscles on your face just literally died.

✃ " Toby Said you died out here " Ben continued making you look at him with a deadpan expression.

✃ " I was asleep... " You replied and the creeps stood silently watching you.

✃ " I fucking knew this idiot missed something " Another comment was heard from masky and before you could say anymore Trenderman and Splendor came running towards you bringing a glass coffin.

✃ " We bought the coffin! And it's fashionable... Wait why are you awake shouldn't you be dead? " Trenderman asked in confusion.

✃ Well... You definitely learned your lesson that day.

Jeff :

☆ Is it just me or is your boyfriend an asshole? Oh wait he is one.

☆ This burnt spaghetti saw you asleep in the woods one day and thought it'd he fun to pull a prank on you or just plainly mess with you in general.

☆ First he snapped a few pics of you in his phone and he even drew a dick shape on your cheek and made your eyebrows really thick using a marker.

☆ And last but not the least.

☆ He threw you in the fucking Lake.

☆ Yes he did and you resurfaced faster than Ben could say ' I '

☆ while you were gasping and coughing due to the water entering your lungs your annoying boyfriend was gasping for air clutching his stomach while laughing like a psycho killer.

☆ You weren't feeling good that day and you even caught a small fever that's why you were resting for a bit but this asshole had the fucking nerve to do that to you!?

☆ You couldn't even force yourself to be angry because you felt really weak and you noticed how your clothes were stained in black.

☆ touching your face you smelled the scent of ink and immediately knew what Jeff did.

☆ You were extremely angry but you didn't have the energy to explode because you weren't feeling well so you just ignored his presence and left him there while he was too busy laughing.

☆ You went back to the mansion took a shower and slept in your seperate room this time.

☆ Jeff came home to see that you weren't in his room and tried knocking on your door for several times.

☆ " Oh come on y/n. You didn't find that funny even just a little bit? You're a bit of a kill joy now aren't you? " He teased and again. He received no answer from you.

☆ He felt anxious and nervous knowing that he fucked up good this time because you weren't answering to his jokes, and taunts when you'd usually react immediately to kick his ass.

☆ " Nice going asshole you pulled a stupid prank on your own girlfriend/boyfriend like that even though they were sick and not feeling well? " Ben commented walking past Jeff .

☆ That's when Jeff realized something. He didn't just fuck up... He REALLY fucked up. Big time.

☆ by that time he forced open your door busting it open with one kick and he saw your form buried in the covers.

☆ He was not a gentle or nurturing type but he felt guilty ( surprisingly) for what he's done and took care of you the whole time you were sick. He won't leave you alone even for a second and would get angry if you tried to push him away.

#Creepypasta #Creepypasta Headcanon #Headcanons #y/n #s/o #Caprina_Mints #Eyeless Jack #Jeff the Killer #Ticci Toby #Clockwork #E.j #Toby #Jeff #Clocky

[chaotixalex]

aight, so today i had a shitty day. lemme tell u about it n then how i fixed it.

woke up at 8 am to go to the hospital for an ultrasound. it's a mandatory one bc im gonna have an endoscopy on Saturday (IM FUCKING FREAKING OUT )

so I wake up but i have to stay hungry for the scan so i dont eat. but they also need my bladder to be full aka me being in the brink of me pissing myself so I keep drinking water.

fast forward to 9, i leave home, but need i remind u my scan is due 10.20.

I get there 45 mins early, knowingly bc my mom's insurance is a bitch and it takes time to contact the company for the approval(this is also a good time to tell that this is a private hospital because this is where the doc for the endoscopy is working at, im just at a different settlement bc it's closer)

i get there and i already need to go but I also have to wait for like 40 mins, nvm i get the approval after 20 mins so I just wait.

then the assistant takes me in to the scan room, it's dark and cold and im already stressed/anxious AND THE OPERATOR DOES NOT COME IN FOR FULL 20 MINS so i just lay there with my belly exposed and gelled up

what might that lead to you might ask, well it leads me to having a full force breakdown/anxiety attack -the type that leaves u hyperventilating, y'know - because im worried about the result

i was and will be tested for a genetic disease that has wasted away two people I really cared about in front of my eyes day after day until they died and has taken away organs from both my dad an my uncle. so yeah it is important u might say that

fast forward, the operator comes, does her thing and then just keeps ignoring me, I get out and pay for the thing (private hospitals babe!!) while still in need to pee so much that it hurt and kinda still spiralling

then I ran straight to the nearest bathroom and continued my thing there after peeing

then I go to get a covid test bc it's mandatory to have it done within a week prior to the endoscopy

I go and the guy at the front desk says that my mum's insurance doesn't cover it and they ask for 250 bucks for it

so I call mum and ask for her to fix it, still very on the edge thank you very much, she calls some places and the insurance fails twice more before i can get the thing done

I get through that too and head home to change so I can go out with my friends (we're all vaccinated and had our masks don't worry)

I get home so that I can eat before I go but having been hungry for that long my ED decides to kick back in and I leave without eating

I go out and realise it's cold so I change my outfit and miss my bus and I take the expensive and creepy one,

i get to the subway and in the train a lady keeps looking at me funny and i manage to get off before I either punch her or start crying bc I thought it was bc of my makeup.

I get there we talk, I have two coffee but after 3~ hours having not eaten anything and wearing my binder catches up with me!! hurray I get weak knees and wobbly hands (I changed into my binder after I came home! hospitals are shit to work with if u have a binder so I only had it on for 4 hours)

but I push on and we go visit my old teacher which requires me walking A LOT (added to the spot I walked before)

then my friends decide to eat (and this is where everything goes shit) we go to KFC,

but need I remind u im now weaker and stumble on the stairs and then we go there to eat

i releessed so hard to keep lookong normal taht i DON'T REMEMBER EATING, i just remember the vibration that had taken over my whole body and how hard o tried to repress it

then we took the subway and we separated ways I took another bus but one j got off of that one

i almost passed out. almost.

i made it home safely, i did not done with my family, rested a little on my sister's insisting (she yelled at me for being irresponsible about the binder) (for a 14 eat old she sure can yell BIG TIME)

i rested a bit more and my mum asked me to do buns I started doing them and left them to rise and when I was shaping/BAKING them in the oven it started to rain

and to be honest it just made the stress f the day melt away

and i ate one cheese and two warm sweet buns

it was nice and it's still raining, everyone went to bed and im in my bed

im gonna read

yes, that was all thanks for coming to my ted talk!

#my ramblings #my day today #baking #hospitals #tw ed stuff #eating disorders #rain #buns

[allforhader]

It’s a Hit, Y/N

Barry Berkman x (M) Reader

Warnings: Langauge, Injury

As Y/N watches Barry step out of his apartment through the view of the scope on his sniper. He takes a deep breath trying to take the hit and once he actually shot—

Barry held his arm from the graze the bullet had left on him. He immediately looked around and noticed the unfamiliar soon booking it for his car knowing he has a gun in the glove compartment.

“Shit” Y/N snaps at himself ditching his gear and running down with his pistol in hand.

The moment he reached the air and aimed directly at Barry’s head, Barry aimed directly at Y/N’s. They stood there looking at each other wondering to themselves why none of them have pulled the trigger. But Barry noticed...

He’s shaking.

He didn’t sign up for this.

The fear in his eyes say it all.

Who assigned him to kill me?

Why isn’t he...

Barry lowers his gun testing something knowing it’s a coin toss. He lives or dies. But Y/N didn’t pull the trigger as he lowers his own gun taking out the magazine showing he never had bullets in the first place. Not even one in the chamber. He wasn’t prepared for this. Wasn’t new to this business either.

Fear just took over.

This was their first encounter and no words were exchanged. But more happened. Or well. The same happened.

Y/N found himself holding his gun to Barry’s head, but the shot never came and he left after that. Barry didn’t know where he went. Didn’t bother following. He was just confused...

Take the shot and get paid.

What’s stopping you?

The latest time...

Y/N caught Barry with the gun directly to his head. Barry looks at him seeing the shaking has stopped this time, he can’t read his body language, and the eyes weren’t full of fear like times before.

The shot fired.

I knew I’d meet my maker someday. Not today at least. Pain didn’t bother me. The suffering did. Waking up do to something that only defined you as the villain in your own story. I left a lot behind to be the person I am today. The trauma didn’t define me. What I used to cope with it did. Leaving all that behind did leave scars and uncertainty...but at least the future is what I wanted it to be.

Finally...

Y/N steps into the stash house looking at Hank not saying a word as the blood on him told him he did it. He drops the bracelet Barry always wore on the desk as Hank took a hold of it.

“Wow. You did it”

Nothing

“It’s a hit, Y/N. A difficult one but you did it”

Y/N didn’t want to say anything as his anger was starting to get the best of him. But it did and it ended in an ungodly screech.

It’s a hit. You got paid for.

Take it or leave it.

After a while Y/N found himself sitting on the empty beach holding himself with a blanket draped over his shoulders. He hated the beach since it’s usually crowded but it was dead this time.

“Thought you were going to call me when you got here”

Y/N shrugs flinching when he felt a cold as fuck can press against his face. He took it resting it in his lap as he watches Barry sit beside him opening his own.

“Are you okay?”

You think a confidence boost will do the job? It doesn’t always work that way.

Y/N held the gun up to Barry’s head and when the shot was fired. Barry quickly opened his eyes seeing the gun aimed toward the sky. He frowns seeing Y/N breakdown in front of him as he empties the mag dropping the gun taking a few steps back about to sprint like his life depended on it...when Barry grabbed onto his wrist keeping him there.

“Who assigned you?”

“What?”

“Are you going to tell me who assigned you to kill me?”

“Why?”

“Because I’m clearly not dead and you failed. Whoever assigned you will have you killed”

“I deserve to die. I never wanted to do this...I never did” Y/N pulls his arm away as he stood there trying to take in a breath but he felt like he doesn’t even deserve that curtesy.

“You don’t. I don’t know why the fuck told you that. But you don’t deserve to die. No one truly does”

“You’ve killed people”

“So have you”

“But I’m a monster”

“Then so am I” Barry frowns watching Y/N tense up when he stepped closer but he stopped. “Everybody has their demons. Hell. You understand having people with a gun to our back almost 24/7...having to do something you learned you never really wanted to do. But you learned too late so you think death for yourself in the only option when it’s not. You learn. Learn to stop...”

“You don’t understand!”

“I do! You’ve had to have heard about me and my background before you even did the hit—“

“Not what I’m talking about...” Y/N frowns as Barry didn’t really understand it. He couldn’t. He’s being very vague but—

“Then what?”

“You got to move on...it’s just a scar to you now...but it’s a gaping flesh wound for me...” Y/N started over thinking and his breathing was growing shorter. “You aren’t a hitman anymore...that’s why you got the career you got. The friends you got...I wasn’t in the military. I wasn’t a person...I grew up this way...having to fight for my life to provide for myself. That lead me to becoming a hitman...I didn’t fight for good before evil. I’ve always fought for evil until I got assigned to you...”

“What makes me a game changer?” Barry states but before they could say anything Y/N immediately tackles Barry down when a few shots were fired.

Barry didn’t say anything more as he felt blood on his hands. He felt Y/N cover his mouth to listen around them as they heard someone coming closer. Y/N removed himself from on top of Barry as he soon realized that the blood on him wasn’t his own. Y/N quickly grabbed his gun and mag putting two together before getting up and taking down who shot them with no question.

“You’re bleeding....really badly” Barry states sitting up as Y/N walks over to the body realizing the familiarity.

“I’m...Hank’s only good aim” Y/N states moments before collapsing.

After a while, Y/N woke up immediately realizing he’s not in a familiar place causing him to spring out of the bed. He sees his blood soaked shirt hanging on the railing outside the bedroom and his belongings on the night stand. He then locks eyes with himself in the mirror seeing his entire lower half of his torso bandaged.

“What the...”

“You’ve been out for a good 96 hours. But that’s to be expected right?” Barry steps into his room setting down a bottle of Tylenol. “Um. Should I explain?”

“Please...” Y/N frowns taking the bottle before sitting on his bed struggling to open the damn thing.

“You got shot and I...didn’t really know if you do things the way I did but I took you into my home and fixed it the best I can. I got the bullet out...didn’t get far. But you were out from blood loss”

Y/N grew anxious all of a sudden thinking he’s next on the chopping block. He started to hyperventilate as Barry quickly knelt down in front of him taking his face into his hands. The two stared at each other as Y/N started crying feeling the pain in his chest grow.

“I didn’t—I didn’t want to. I didn’t want to” Y/N chokes up as Barry stood to his feet making him get up off the bed pulling him into his arms feeling him grip onto his shirt. “I never wanted to do this...I just...I don’t want to do this....I...fuck man”

“Then leave with me.”

“What?” Y/N pulls away looking at Barry confused.

“Leave with me. You don’t have to live this life anymore if you don’t want to. It’s your life. You define it. It took me forever to realize that and I made a lot of enemies. Leave with me. We don’t have to stay in this hell.”

“I can’t...I can’t just pack up and leave”

“Then...well leave in a way you’ll feel secured doing”

So he did. Wore the blood soaked shirt. Took a memento off of Barry covered it in his own blood. Took it to Hank and left. Left without a few fingers but.

The game isn’t always meant to be played. Let alone win in the end.

“Are you okay?” Barry asks again not getting a respond from Y/N as he gave him a look with pain filled eyes. “What did he do...”

Barry frowns seeing Y/N’s and the loss of his index and middle finger on his right hand. He wanted to ask how he managed to burn the ends to stop the bleeding but Y/N’s been through enough. He decided to simply be there until he talked.

Y/N laughs suddenly catching them both off guard. He sighs after laughing handing the cab back to Barry.

“I can’t open it” Y/N gave him a weak smile as Barry grins to himself before opening it for him. “Thanks...”

“So...I was thinking New York”

“Can’t I’m from there”

“Damn. No offense but when you were knocked out. I went through your wallet. Should’ve expected that with the Polaroid on Broadway with a really sweet looking girl and you. Girlfriend?”

“Sister. From before when I said...I fought for myself. I didn’t. She was sick. Parents couldn’t afford everything since that shit hole is just as expensive as living here. So I did what I had to do.”

“She died didn’t she?”

“One bad job could’ve killed me. But it killed her. So I left. Came here. Got a few hits. Wanted to end my own life”

“Hm. Who hasn’t been there in this game...”

“People who didn’t care. But then I got assigned to you” Y/N took a sip of his beer. “Hank is a talker. Told me everything he knew about you. A hitman. Found a second coming in life. It took me a minute to realize. I’d be killing someone who just learned to be okay with the world knowing not everything in it comes out bad...”

“It takes time Y/N. It truly does” Barry states before adjusting when he moved himself beside him resting his head on his shoulder after wrapping the blanket around the both of them. “Life is shit. Don’t get me wrong...but you’ll find the good in it again. It’ll all work out”

“Not to sound cheesy but, as long as I’m with you. I’m perfectly fine right now”

“Me too” Barry smiles feeling Y/N grip his shirt making him chuckle.

“What?”

“Your grip isn’t that great”

“Oh fuck off”

#bill hader #bill hader gifs #barry berkman #barry hbo #barry block #bill hader x reader #barry #barry berkman x reader #barry block x reader #big brain: write agnst for the reader instead of Barry but its still sad for barry #*bonks myself* I love Barry Berkman why am i like this

[nooriginalitylove]

-And we're not bruised, they're just party tattoos

Thank @sanderssides-incorrectquotes for this wonderful prompt, using Dodie’s “Party Tattoos” as Platonic! DRLAMP

———

This is a collection of things that happened throughout Virgil, Patton, Roman, Logan, Remus, and Dimitri’s lives. All of these things happened at different periods in their lives.

Take a look at the clock only so long to go, scrubbing smooth young skin saying I don't know, grab a bag, grab a bottle but leave the "what if?", you'll see it in the morning after your kicks

Roman sat in his classroom, glancing at the clock near the door, desperately wishing the bell would ring and he could leave the brightly colored room with the too-loud noises. His hands were drawn on, too; something his father would have a fit over if he saw.

Finally, the piercing noise signaling the end of the day rang out throughout the building.

He grabbed his water bottle and his bag and scrambled to leave the classroom filled with laughing kids.

Unknowingly, he ended up in the bathrooms, scrubbing at his hands to remove the pen he’d drawn on his hands on roughly.

The door opened, revealing Dimitri in all his glory. The other teen walked over, rolling his eyes fonding when he caught the sigh of swirls in black pen on the other’s tan hands.

“Let me help; you’ll scrub your hands raw.” The paler of the two said scoldingly. Roman laughed, feeling much more relaxed.

All you will need for a rocking good time, is a bunch of people who don't give a damn. There's a yes, in your head, gotta find where it's at, you'll lose it in the morning but ignore that

A group of colorful individuals sat at a picnic table. The sun beamed down on the group lovingly, and Virgil almost needed to cover his eyes.

“C’mon, Virg! Remus is gonna go pet the raccoon!” Patton yelled, laughing at the thought. Even Logan looked interestedly as one of the Realeza twins stalked toward the raccoon.

Virgil laughed, a tiny smile making its way onto his face as he stood up and rushed over just in time to see the raccoon jump kn Remus’ face. Roman screamed with laughter as he tried to get the rapid animal off his brother.

And we're not bruised, they're just party tattoos, and that colourful mess is just colourful regret!

Logan’s breathing had gone ragged as he sat, curled up, in his room. His latest test, in Maths, had gotten a D+, and he was unjustly freaking out.

“Oh my god, oh my god-“ he stuttered, on the point of hyperventilating. His chest felt tight, his legs weak; his knowledge was everything, and now, he had nothing.

A door opened, just as Logan felt all his air leaving him. “Lo?” Was called out, probably not as loud as it felt but it made his head pound all the same.

Patton was in front of him, a familiar worried look on his pretty face. “What’s wrong?” Patton asked, bring Logan close to his chest. “Breathe, Lo.” He whispered.

His breathing was ragged, still, but more even after Patton’s coaxing to breathe in for 4, hold for 7, out for 8. “Thank you,” Patton whispered to him, smiling at him, “You did great.”

The other pulled Logan and himself to Logan’s bed, and grabbed his hands for support. “What’s wrong, Lo?”

Black lipstick will never be a sin, we'll regret it when we're old with wrinkled up skin. Regret it when we're old with wrinkled up skin. Regret it when we're old with wrinkled up skin

Remus’ lips were colored a dark black, drawing the color straight from the night’s darkest skies. “How do I look?” He asked, fluttering his eyes teasingly. Dimitri smiled at him, deciding to humor the crazy man, “You look great, Ree.”

The man in front of him nodded, “Of course I do. But go tell that to my brother; I know I’m amazing, he’s all worried ‘bout stupid shit.” Remus waved him off, running up to Logan and starting to annoy him.

Dimitri pitied the dude; he really did.

But he walked over to Roman anyway, because a pissy Logan was something he didn’t want to deal with.

“Hey, Ro.” The beanie wearing man said, waving slightly at the other. Roman looked away from Virgil, who he was talking with, and smiled. “Hey, Dee.”

With simple hellos out of the way, Dimitri sat down, “You look great, Ro.” He said, noticing the way Roman seemed to fidget with his outfit self-consciously.

Roman flushed bright red, “Thank you?”

My mummy said to always wear a coat, but it's warm and it's heavy and we're trying to float, don't forget she'll be right when it's three a.m. So shiver, but shiver with a friend

Patton was getting ready to leave, when his mum appeared in the living room, where the front door was. “Patton, dear?” She asked as he touched the handle.

He turned to the woman, smiling though slightly defeated; what did she want now?

“Yeah, mom?” He asked back, leaning against the wall. “Bring a coat with you.” She said simply, walking back into the the kitchen. He paused, glancing outside.

It was getting warm out; reaching almost 80° outside because it was getting to be summer. “What the duck?” He said, grabbing a thin jacket before leaving before his mum could spot him.

And we're not bruised they're just party tattoos, and that colourful mess is just colourful regret!

When Remus entered his house, he’d been trying to stay quiet. Though it didn’t matter that much, anyway, because Roman still turned around in his spinny chair with a stern look on his face.

Roman glared at his brother, hard. He wasn’t angry, truthfully, but he’d been worried. Extremely worried. Remus shot a smile at his brother.

“Hey, Ro-Ro. What are you doing up so late?” He asked weakly, trying to joke. Roman stood up, and uncrossed his arms to envelop Remus in a tight embrace.

He looked at his brother, “I was worried, tu gilipollas!” He shouted.

*tu gilipollas = you asshole in Spanish* sorry if this is wrong, I’m new to learning the language!

Black lipstick will never be a sin, we’ll regret it when we're old with wrinkled up skin

Everyone sat in the hospital’s waiting room, sick with worry. Logan had been injured in a hit-and-run, and no one had been able to sleep since the news that morning.

Virgil curled up against Patton, sniffling and wippng his eyes. Patton and Roman were openly sobbing, while Remus had his head in his hands and Dimirti buried his face in a pillow he’d brought.

A doctor came into the room, making Roman and Patton stand up, eager to hear good news. The doctor paused, making Virgil’s stomach drop.

“He’s resting now, and his right leg and left arm are broken, but he should be okay.” The doctor said kindly, smiling at the group. Roman let out another sob, and cried into Remus’ shirt in relief.

We're not bruised they're just party tattoos, and that colourful mess is just colourful regret!

Dimitri sighed, running an hand through his hair. In his hands, a pink slip laid, stating “You’re Fired” in big, bold, black letters.

His head hung in his hands, and he drew in a sharp breath to keep from crying.

He missed the days when his biggest worries were if he got an F on his English tests. Now his number one concern was whether or not he was going to be able to feed himself.

When did things get this bad?

Black lipstick will never be a sin, we'll regret it when we're old with wrinkled up skin, regret it when we're old with wrinkled up skin, regret it when we're old with wrinkled up skin

His hands were covered in dirt, and his arms littered with scratches, and he was shirtless. Virgil drew in a deep breath, tears involuntarily making their way down his face.

The bathroom’s light flickered, and as he sat in the bathtub, having just woken up in the tub like a drunk.

A razor sat on the sink’s edge, and his fingers twitched to grab it. But tiredness was forcing his body to stay still, and he blinked.

He fell back asleep.

Write a postcard to you at eighty-four, tell them you'd never dream of living behind the door. Life was fun, full of love, full of hopeful smiles, bet you wish you were here, but I'll see you in a while

Remus glared at his brother, anger in his green-red eyes. “What the fuck, dude?” He yelled, cheek practically pulsating from the slap his brother had delivered.

The other glared back, “Don’t insult mom, dude. She doesn’t deserve that.” He snapped back.

Remus laughed, “And we didn’t deserve to be brought up by our monster of a dad, either! She could’ve left!” He said. Remus knew it was insensitive; and regretted it afterward, but right now he didn’t care.

Their mom was heartless bitch who knew she could leave, but didn’t. She ignored the abuse. Ignored the bruises that littered her “babies” like freckles. Ignored the screaming of her sons and husband, both so widely different; two filled with fear, one filled with unjust anger.

Roman stepped back, “It’s not that easy, Re. You know that.” And he did, he knew it, and Roman did too. “You could leave, too, Ro.”

His brother laughed humorlessly, a sadness to it. Remus felt his chest tighten. “No, I can’t.” Roman said, and then he returned home, and was forced to block Remus’ number.

And we're not bruised they're just party tattoos, and that colourful mess is just colourful regret!

Glasses framed his face, and he gasped as he woke up in the middle of the night, glasses tilted and hair messed up and spiked in different directions.

Logan looked around the dark room, and he curled up on his chair, his desk screwn with papers. A longing for something he couldn’t remember filled him, and he longed for someone to bring him a blanket and push him into bed.

Black lipstick will never be a sin, we'll regret it when we're old with wrinkled up skin

Patton smiled at his son, “Bye, kiddo.” He said. Thomas laughed, “I’m 16, dad!” He said, grabbing his jacket before running to Joan’s car to get to school.

When Patton returned to the living room, Virgil was sat on the couch, “He gone?” The anxious man asked. Patton nodded, “Then lets get going! The guys are waiting, Pat.”

And when they all met up at the park like they did when they were young, nobody mentioned the pain in their chest of seeing their old picnic table gone.

We're not bruised they're just party tattoos, and that colourful mess is just colourful regret!

Roman sighed, looking out the window as his grandkids played with toys and watched TV. Oh how he missed being that young.

A sorrowful emotion filled his chest, but he just leaned against the back of his chair tiredly. His daughter, Anatolia, came in, only to see her father not breathing.

She screamed.

Black lipstick will never be a sin, we'll regret it when we're old with wrinkled up skin, regret it when we're old with wrinkled up skin, regret it when we're old with wrinkled up skin

Six gravestones sat in a line, each one engraved with a different font to spell their owner’s names. Each one had a flower in front of the stone, an assigned color to each.

Roman Pryce Realeza, Remus Dugan Realeza, Dimitri Anwir Delaney, Logan Albert Berry, Patton Moha Morales, Virgil Parker Abadon

Silence reigned over the grave, a certain respect hanging in the air.

———

Names&Meanings:

Anatolia - A name meaning “Princess”

Roman:

Pryce - Close to the word “Prince”

Realeza - “Royalty” in Spanish (again, sorry if this is wrong)

Remus:

Dugan - (Kinda) Close to the word “Duke”

Realeza - “Royalty” in Spanish

Deceit:

Dimitri - A widely accepted human name for Deceit

Anwir - A name meaning “Lies” or something to that extent

Delaney - Searched “Last Names Meaning Lies” and glanced at the first name I saw

Logan:

Albert - A reference to Albert Enstein + the name meaning, to some extent, “Intelligence”

Berry - Crofters

Patton:

Moha - A name meaning “Giving Radiant Light To Everyone”

Morales - This name means “mulberry” but it also is “Son of Moral” (Pretty sure this name is hispanic to some extent, but Moral = Morality)

[emiisanxious]

Be Calm

Archive of Our Own Link

Rating: Teen And Up Audiences

Archive Warning: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings

Category: Gen

Fandom: Sanders Sides (Web Series)

Additional Tags:

Anxiety Attacks

Anxiety | Virgil Sanders Has Panic Attacks

Panic Attacks

Comfort/Angst

Hospitalization

It's just mention tho...

Summary: "He didn't have a bad day, honestly, if Virgil was true to himself what he had was a nice day. So why is he panicking?"

He didn't have a bad day, honestly, if Virgil was true to himself what he had was a nice day. Without too much to worry, he didn't sleep that much of course but that was already normal to him, as in the past week he slept 2 to 4 hours, if luck 6. Since he was always worried and on alert all the time, yet this day, although he only slept 5 hours and a half, he was fine. Getting up usually at noon he went to his bathroom to do his usual make-up, brush his teeth and make sure that his appearance was "adequate" like Logan said. Going to join others to eat lunch, even though he was going to take his breakfast, he never cared too much about what hour was and what type of food he should get.

 Passing through his door, he could see the three doors closed, in front of his, was a golden crown in a red door, since he didn't hear any sound it was sure to ensure that Princey wasn't there. While on the same wall of his door, was white dots connected by lines showing constellations on the upper half wherein the lower half was easier to notice the black with dark blue colors on the door. As he didn't saw any door warning, it was sure to say that L wasn't there or just he wasn't doing anything that would be a bother if someone interrupts. And although Patton's room wasn't so far away, it was in diagonal of his, with cats and dogs draws, all over the light blue door he only needed the time to know that for sure the Father figure wouldn't be there. Looking to his door, he smirks it wasn't a plain color, since he did take time to paint that with shades of purple and black, yet it was more complex than Roman with his symbol in the middle.

In which he chuckles briefly, as he remembers when Creativity saw that, the other part wasn't so happy about, since it was more elaborate than his. Yet, Princey still wasn't able to stop to repaint or change his door, since he is always thinking or imagining something to a point where he probably forgot. At least is what Virgil thought.

Hearing a faint small laugh from downstair he remembers what he was supposed to do, as he closes his door and so starting to walk towards the kitchen, as soon as he turns the stairs he met eyes with Patton who smiles and nods. "Good morning kiddo, slept well?"

"Morning guys, and yeah." It was simple and upfront, as he enters the area to do a small sandwich and got some juice to him, sitting on the counter in a relaxed way as he looks to the three having a nice conversation, about the next project that Roman was working with.

"So, Doctor Gloom, what you think?" When the creativity side spoke calling him, Virgil snapped from his thought to answer, he honestly was just spacing out observing around, how that it seemed like Patton had cleaned the kitchen and that Logan stayed the morning watching something on the TV, as it was still on.

The anxious side did get himself on the chat as Princey repeated everything he had said yet it soon changed to him hear some complaints about how that sleeping schedule was unhealthy and would worsen his mental health, yet they soon give up since it would be of no use, as always. Although he did appreciate the concern and as always he passed his eyes over each of them before letting it fall on them.

"I know you all worry about it, but I'm fine. Honestly, I'm having a good week guys." He says as he returns to eat his sandwich.

"Well kiddo, if you say I will believe in you. But please, say to us if you need okay?" That was Patton to you always making sure everyone was fine, he thought, resting his eyes to observe the father figure. As always morality was smiling and soon enough he was changing the conversation to something lighter. "So what you all are doing today?"

He was glad that he wasn't the focus anymore, his lips turned in a small and yet nearly not notable curve before answering, he was having a really good day.

"I'm going to return to imagination and keep working on that project." Roman says in a grand gesture of his arms, although he wasn't late with his work, it didn't mean that he wanted to be nagged about it by Logan.

While Logan adjusted his glass on his nose, he was looking outside. "I guess, I will read outside. Virgil do you want to join?" That is something both shared, the appreciation of reading somewhere silent yet nice.

"Yeah, sounds nice." He didn't have anything planned so reading would be probably nice.

"Ooowh ~! So cute ~!" Patton was happy about it since he does like it when they are trying to bond or pass more time together, like a proud daddy. "How about I do something for you to eat later, Virgil?"

"Hm... Sure." That was something he got already used to, having the Father Figure to take care of him, making sure he was eating properly, that is the few things Anxiety couldn't say no.

---------

As he said, he had a nice and pleasant day, spent the time with Logan reading outside in pure silence, yet sometimes discussing what the Logic side was reading, as it helped to clear and of course to help look for another point of view. He had dinner with his family, where Roman talked with him for the entire meal, about the project, asking from his point of view. They all started to watch a movie at 10 pm, passed 30 minutes the three sides was sleeping on the couch. He went to his room since it would take him at least more 7 to 9 hours to him to feel sleepy. Yet...

It wouldn't take more than five minutes after he got inside his room, he started to shake, tears starting to threaten to fall. What the fuck? His mind was starting to fog, yet something shot him in realization, he was starting to panic. It would be fine IF it was his doing IF it was his mind, but it wasn't. Something felt wrong... Really wrong.

I need to call someone... I need... Not able to shake off the feeling, he could only open the door as quickly he could, not remembering to close it, not caring to close it. As he dashed towards downstairs, he could feel something wet trailing off his cheeks. Dammit... Tears, the next stage would be bad.

Yet he was there, without thinking that teleport would be faster, yet he soon was shaking Logan to wake him up. Where the logical side didn't take too long, yet it took him a couple of minutes to adjust his eyes to the faint light coming from the kitchen and to notice Virgil. "Virgil?" His voice sounded sleepy and a bit grog, yet soon realized what was happening when he heard the youngest side starting to hyperventilate. "Calm down. Can you do breathe exercise?"

A nod was everything he could do while he mimicked Logan's breathing, while neither of them lost contact with each other, the second eldest moved his hand to shake the side next to him. Which was Patton, who soon woke up, taking his glasses off to rub his eyes and to alert himself, as soon as he put on the glasses again, he could see what was happening. Better than anyone, the moral side just stayed quiet and calm, shaking Roman next to him, the creativity side wasn't that happy to wake up, grunting a bit.

Logan picked up Virgil's hand to pull to him sit down next to him, noticing that whatever was making him panic, the breathing exercise wasn't helping. "Virgil, can you talk?"

"I-I... Can't... B-Br-Breath..." His voice sounds raspy and broken, it was taking all over him to talk that.

"Right. Patton, can you try to calm him down? I will look at Thomas and see if I can figure it out." Logic watched the Morality side agreeing and soon sink out.

"Kiddo. Hey, Virgil!" He exclaimed, he felt bad for scaring the anxious side, yet it was enough to bring his attention to him. "I'm here okay? I will hug you. Just let go." Anxiety noded at that and soon he could feel the arms around him, crying out loud like a child. "Come on, breath with me." For more that wasn't working to calm down, at least was enough to help the hyperventilation.

"Roman." Patton could see Princey turning his head towards him. "Can you bring some blankets and put on some music?"

"Sure enough padre." He said as quietly as possible as he gets up and go fetch some blankets and put on some piano Disney songs. Passing the blankets around the both of them, he was worrying, it sure felt odd how Virgil was so... Weak on the other arm's. Sure they all helped the Anxious side in his panic attacks, but never went that long, normally a breathing exercise a couple of times was enough, yet right now? He was freaking out.

"Sh---" He was going to curse when he felt a tug on his hair, yet Patton's eyes over him reprimanded for that. "Logan is calling, I will see that okay?" He could see a nod before he sinks out. 

There he could see Logan trying the same breathing exercise with Thomas. "What is happening?" Roman finally said, when Logic pointed towards the phone, he couldn't stop probably. As the fanciful side walked to get the phone.

[Mom 09:28 pm: Hey, I'm on your grandma.] [Thomas 10:27 pm: Sorry, I was busy. What is happening?] [Mom 10:34 pm: She will hospitalize tomorrow.] [Thomas 10:35: What? But... What?]

So that is why Virgil was freaking out, wasn't his doing, it was Thomas who was freaking because of that news and it was affecting Virgil. Logan waved his hands to dismiss Roman where he promptly did since he could explain to Patton, trying with some success to calm him down after a few more seconds.

"Thomas? So do you want to see your grandma?" A nod, as Logan looked around. "Okay, do you want me to do a bag or something for you to stay there?" He shook his head. "Right, so let's pick up your phone, wallet, and call a uber okay?" A nod, as he did as Logan said, changing his clothes to a more casual, yet one he could go outside, picking up a mask and some tic tac. "Now, if you want to leave, you need to calm down your nerves okay? You can't go there like this."

He nodded again, keeping his breathing in check, and soon the fog from his minded passing. "Right, now let's call an uber."

In the mind palace, Virgil was still crying, now sobbing and shaking more violently as he was able to pull Thomas panic attack to him, yet of course, it would worsen his. "Roman, Oh! I know. Pick his phone up and big headphones!" It wouldn't take too long for the fanciful side return, and as gentle he could he put them on Virgil's ears.

Scrolling between Virgil's playlist he could find one called: "Urgency." that is weird, but he put it to play, Roman could see that it did him flinch from the realization of the song playing, yet it was starting to work, as his grips on Patton gets weaker and he closes his eyes. It would take a few minutes until they are sure and safe enough to Morality move from his spot, fixing the anxious side on the couch. 

Where Roman put the purple side pillow under his head, Patton tugging the blanket around him, yet that night would be a hard one. With his hand, Creativity moved to sit on the couch next to Virgil, pulling a blanket so he won't feel cold, as the Father figure moved to make some coffee.

Logan stayed with Thomas until he was at his grandma's house, where there he left since he knew he would have all the support needed, returning to the mind palace he could see that Roman was awake with a mug in his hand watching some Disney movie. And Patton was at his side sleeping, while Virgil was sleeping on the couch, watching the Prince pause the movie, and changing to some piano music.

There they whispered so they won't wake up any of them, Roman explaining what happened there and Logan what happened in reality. Deciding that they would take turns in case Virgil needed them, where Creativity would be the first one to keep awake since he was the last to wake up.

Soon Logan sits in a comfortable dad chair to sleep a bit, looking towards the purple side one last time, till the thought sunk in. 

First Virgil wasn't lying, he mental-healthy is getting better, even though Logan disagrees with his sleeping schedule. Second Virgil was honestly opening up, as before he wouldn't wake them up when he had a panic attack, to seek help. Third and probably most important. If it wasn't for Virgil, and all the trust they built together they would never found out that Thomas was so having a panic attack and hyperventilating.

Honestly, he was taking mental notes to slowly stop talking about the sleeping schedule of Virgil anymore. After all, it seems to him, that the youngest was honestly learning and adapting slowly to be better.

Notes:

A couple of warnings:

- This is my first fic on AO3. - English is not my first language, my first language is Portuguese. If you see grammatic errors or some phrase felt "wrong" please let me know. - This is based on what happened to me yesterday [2020/10/20], I thought that turning in a fic would help me not see as something bad and help me move on. - Said that obviously, I don't know anything about Thoma's life and neither about his family. - It's possible that it won't be clear which character POV is, but pretty much on the start is Virgil POV, then it changes from to others sides.

Hope you liked ~! Although I'm not confident enough about characterization, I hope it turned okay? If you think I need to improve in something please comment on it and I will learn from that.

Thank you very much for reading and have a nice day.

#Virgil Sanders #Logan Sanders #Roman Sanders #Patton Sanders #fanfic

[emotionalcello-makefanfics]

Until Then... (JayDami?Fanfic)

Summary :

There are near death moments in Jason's life where he put his last energy on his limbs to get back up and screamed, “Not today Satan!”, then suddenly he escaped death yet once again.

Not anymore.

This time it came painfully slow.

Warnings : slight description of panic attack.

Word Count : 6k

---

Created based on these prompts/headcanon (If you know the original tumblr post plz tell me) : https://www.instagram.com/p/BuyZDfInfBg/?utm_source=ig_web_button_share_sheet

Keep Reading to read more~

++++

He can’t breathe. The fact that he’s in a closed space of an old and decaying warehouse only makes it worse. Even so, the world doesn’t wait up on him. He’s in a position where he can’t stop running. His opponent doesn’t hold back. So, he uses his emergency tranquilizers. Shooting them up across the room until the men on his trails finally decrease.

He tried to calm himself, remembering the breathing practice all the Robins was taught by the big bat in case of panic attacks and trauma. He kicks the door open and runs away from the damp warehouse. The cold air feels nice in his lungs. It feels colder than usual, just a few hours ago the cold was bearable. Though his breathing already on an even pace, his head still spins, there's almost no energy left in his body. He feels tired.

He pulls his last bit of energy, to run and hide from the mob that’s chasing him. He almost blacked out mid running, his knees gave up and dips into the snow. He punches himself in the face, trying to get his adrenaline up.

A snap of awakening hits Jason, he’s moving again, and he get backs up running. He rushes to his safehouse, doing a physical check as thorough as he can. Despite feeling fine, his heartbeat is low. He feels cold even though the heater is already on for 30 minutes. Jason knows what might cause this, and it might not be just one. It might not be that one thing that Jason had fretted.

But Jason can’t leave it to chance.

This is a sign, this is time.

With gritted teeth and guilt,

Jason picks up a dusted plan.

+++++++++

Jason has been away for a month now, and Damian knows his mission supposed to be done last week. Prolonged mission is common in their family business of vigilante, but it is worrying.

Damian didn’t doubt Jason’s skills to pull him out from whatever he’s dealing with, most of the time. Still, it can’t stop Damian from being restless, no matter how many bags he punched and how long he meditate. Titus has been tailing him all day, so is Alfred the cat, they know that Damian is worked up. They’re the only one who know it seems.

He wanted to call Jason. Damian is one of the privileged ones to have Jason’s phone number, along with Alfred. But Damian understands that it was for emergencies only, like panic attacks, or nightmares. Not to be used as something as petty as just checking up.

The options are that Damian uses the Batcomputer to find him, but his father would know, and Damian’s intention would be compromised. Damian has another base, Superson’s base, but even that computer is hacked by his father. The only option left for him is to convince himself that everything is fine.

Everything will be fine.

Jason will be back.

He has to.

++++++

Entering three weeks and there’s no sign of Jason. Damian waits by the phone the entire time, he even took them on patrol this time. He slept with his phone in his hand. Yet nothing came in. Oftenly his phone would ring just from Jon pestering him.

It takes him a nightmare until he finally calls Jason, it’s always is. The dreading fear of his sickening realistic nightmare made his hand automatically dial the only contact saved in his phone. He just needs to hear his voice, Damian just needs to know.

“Damian? What’s up?” the familiar awaited deep voice resonates, sending waves of relief down to his body and soul. Damian breathes so hard that words can’t even come out.

“Breath Damian, follow me, in.” Jason guides, and Damian follows. He didn’t even realize he was hyperventilating. He thought the dizziness of his vision was because he quickly got up.

“You wanna tell me what happen?” Jason asked after a few breathing until Damian is calm.

“A nightmare.”

“Glad you called me, you wanna--”

“I didn’t dream of my death this time,” Damian cuts in, a few years ago he would rather jump off without a grappling hook than sound this needy, but he had learned to lean on Jason. In return that Jason would lean on him too. Yet Jason hasn’t come back without a word, and something just feels wrong.

“I dreamt of yours, Jason.”

There’s a pause on the other line, Jason didn’t make a single sound except for his slow and languid breathing.

“I was... anxious, that you haven’t returned.” Damian bites his lips, even after all these years, talking about his feelings is a thorn on the tongue. “Are you well?”

“Yes, I’m fine, I’m still here... I... shit, I’m sorry, I’ll tell you when I’m late next time.” His voice lack in pity, just genuine worry. His voice is deep with a hint of gruff, it made Damian feels safe and not judged. That voice will not hide true intentions, or even cover the words spoken with sweet lies.

“Are you really fine? Don’t lie to me, Jason.”

“I’m okay, Damian... Look, I’ll get things done here, and I’ll drop by in.... a week from now, sound good?”

“Yes, that’ll be good. If you’re still unable to attend, I would understand, but...” Damian gulped, he really doesn’t like sounding needy, or clingy. Jason isn’t his, yet. “Please tell me.”

“I will, pinky promise.” Jason sang, and Damian holds back an amused chuckle at the playful tone. “So, wanna talk? Or do you want me to talk?”

“Yes for the latter, I have Alfred here wide awake after hearing your voice.”

“God I miss that cat. So, I just tried one of the recipes you told me about...” then Jason went on a ramble about absolutely unimportant and blissfully irrelevant topics.

Damian just leans into the phone, listening to Jason talk while occasionally replying him with single passive words to let him know Damian is still listening.

The way he talks, the way he laughs, it’s definitely Jason. He’s alive and well. It was just a dream. The dreading fear died down, with Jason’s voice in his ear, ever lovingly soothe him, Damian falls right back to sleep.

++++++++++

It felt like he’s dying but he did it. Jason finally did it. He didn’t get to rejoice for his success because right now, there’s a very angry bat tailing him with intent to kill. It’s pathetic how Jason is already winded after 30 minutes parkour through the roof and run between the alleys. The slash on his leg also didn’t help.

It feels like old times, Batman chasing him like he wanted to kill him. Takes him back when he shot Penguin in the face. Jason bet if Bruce caught him, he’ll get beat down for sure, and Jason wasn’t sure if he could survive that. Bruce would be unaware how much his jabs did to Jason, unconcerned until it’s too late. It could be Jason’s end. An ultimate revenge against Batman, to hold his dead robin again. Unfortunately, Jason still loves him enough to not just stop and let it happen.

His legs burns, his chest is clenching down on his lungs and it’s hard to breathe. He reached the end of his rope when he landed on the rooftop on his knees and not being able to get up. Batman landed on top of him, the collar of his leather jacket clenched tight by a gloved fist. With an angry gritted teeth, Batman raised a fist. His helmet shattered a few blocks away, the only thing that protects his face from Batman’s armor enforced fist is this flimsy domino mask. This one is going to hurt like hell.

A punch didn’t get to land when a flash of red green and yellow knock him back. Jason lands on his ass, and standing between him and Bat, is Robin.

“Father, for once in your life, just stay there and listen to me before you make a grave mistake.” Damian hissed, fist clenched tightly.

“You know I don’t tolerate this behavior, this is the final straw, I need to lock him up.” Batman didn’t raise his voice, but man was he angry.

“No.”

“You don’t have any say in this.”

Before Batman can step any further, Orphan swoops in, punching Batman under the jaw and he drops on the same level as Jason, completely out, just like that. Jason doesn’t know what the fuck is going on, but he’s really glad that happened.

“Thank you Orphan.” Damian nods, before finally turning around to face Jason. There’s a frown on his half face.

Orphan kneels beside him, giving him a hug out of nowhere. She goes as far as kissing him on the cheek and gave him a deep stare before picking Batman up and leave.

“Let’s get you away from here.” Damian leans down, Jason’s arm around his smaler and slender shoulder. Despite being way heavier than Damian, he’s being picked up pretty effortlessly, Jason doesn’t know what to feel about this.

Jason is beginning to think he has a concussion. He didn’t remember being carried to his safe house, or stripping his top, or stitching his wounds. When he woke up, it’s already noon and he’s covered in a blanket, laying on his bed. He didn’t remember doing anything that made him in this half-naked but very comfortable state. So, the only one he could accuse is the teenager sitting at the foot of the bed, staring at him silently with arms crossed on his chest.

Damian just sits there as he waits for Jason to gather his consciousness. He’s dressed in Jason’s hoodie and pants, one that he always wears whenever he’s staying over. Jason felt like his head in pounding against his skull, and at times like this, he’s grateful of Damian’s patient silence. He had grown a lot, back then Damian would demand what happen immediately. Though he knew even right now, Damian is fuming.

“Aspirin on your left.” Is Damian’s first word of the day, bless him.

“Thanks,” Jason nods, two pills already by the nightstand and a glass of water, he downed them in a less swift move.

Again, Damian waits patiently until Jason feels better. The cold stare turned into a thoughtful frown.

“What are you thinking?” Jason asked.

“Are you sure you want to hear it now?”

The pain in his head already reduced, and he’s fully awake. No better time than now. Jason nods.

“Don’t do it.” Damian’s voice as soft as a whisper, induced in loud and clear anger. “I will resent you wholly if you did.” Then Damian glares.

It was not what Jason had expected. Jason sigs, he props himself to sit up and lay his back against the headboard. He pats the space beside him, and Damian scoots so he can sits closer to Jason.

Jason sighs once again, bracing himself for the topic.

“What do you think was I about to do?”

“You’re giving up. Now that you’ve reached your goals, and you finally believe that your nightmares are dreams, not reality. It feels like an abundant wave of relief and you just let go. You forgot I used to kill too Jason.” Damian looks a little winded, there's a fire in his eyes as he spits each word.

This isn’t what he expected of Damian, but he was right, partially.

“Do you remember when I said that I’m living on borrowed time?”

Damian’s eyes blown wide. That sure don’t take long. He’s not enjoying what unfolds in front of him though. Even after years getting closer to Damian, even after consoling each other nightmares upon nightmares, he had never seen Damian this torn apart. Lips trembling as the glistening green jades hide beneath tightly shut lids.

Damian shook his head, “Still, you must not give up, there has to be a way to...” then he stops himself. Taking one deep breath before finally sighing and opens his eyes. Showing a calmer expression, but his lips pressed tight as if trying to keep something inside.

“Have you looked for... a solution? A cure?” The tone is flat but the words comes out of desperation, while Jason had made peace with it, he can’t say the same when he sees Damian like this.

“There’re none, you know that.”

Damian gulps, “I’ve predicted this, though I’m not sure, I had hoped that you’ll just live. I thought you would be eternal, since Grandfather seems so.”

Jason had thought of that too and was horrified by that, but now it seems the effect runs out on him a little faster than predicted. Whether it’s a blessing or not, the result is still the same. Jason picks death 10 times over eternal.

“I know it’s hard, but I’ve made peace with it Dami, so--”

“But I haven’t made peace with it. I’m scared, fuck sake Todd, don’t you know that some people care about your life?” Damian admits, and Jason is once again speechless.

No, Jason doesn’t know, but for the sake of his life, he won’t tell the angry Damian that.

Damian glared down on his lap, his breath shortens. A low sob escaped before he shut his mouth and eyelids tight. Without a sound, tears fall down his face. The boy is not a crier, anyone be damned if they see him with any other expression but expressionless, or brood, or occasionally a smile when you caught him with his pets. But tears? Jason has seen a lot of.

The difference is, these tears are for Jason, not the nightmares. Jason doesn’t know what to feel about that.

What could Jason do at this point? He can’t do anything but hold Damian’s hand through it. He wishes he can make things better, but his time is his time, and frankly, it’s not a bad reason to go.

“If only I had known, I would’ve helped.” Damian’s voice filled with regret.

Jason shakes his head, “there’s nothing to--”

“I meant help you killing the Joker, I would’ve helped you obtain your life goal if I knew it would be your last.”

And damn Damian meant it. His jade eyes almost like they’re lit on fire because of daylight, yet still glisten by the leftover tears.

“No, I have to do that alone, and If you help me, your dad’s gonna be mad, you guys been chummy finally. And don’t think that this is my last heist, I’m still going to go back in action,” Jason tried to sound playful.

Damian sighs, wiping away his tears.

“I disagree, but I expect nothing less from you.” The teen chuckles, finally smiling.

“Damn right.”

“But I demand to be informed every time you’re in Gotham. You also can’t reject my help when I choose to assist you.”

Yeah... this is Jason least favorite part. Making people worry and have to check in with everyone. Maybe not everyone, just Damian, and Jason doesn’t mind that too much.

“I won’t tell anyone, but I think Cain already know,” Damian informed after seeing the look on Jason’s face.

“Cass knows everything, that’s inevitable.... speaking of everyone, where is everyone? Not that I don’t like being just with you, but this is out of character of them.”

“Oh, they were all here. The last of them were just out 3 hours ago. Don’t worry, I destroy all the bugs they left.”

Jason pressed his eyelids shut, cringing, gradually gaining a headache. As quiet as it is now, he’s gonna deal with everyone’s unwanted opinion about him killing Joker later.

“I wouldn’t have cared,” Damian stated out of nowhere.

“About what?”

“If they disagree with me assisting you in killing Joker. You’re... more important than them.” Damian looks down, pink dusted on his face. Cute as it seems, Jason appreciates the sincerity of his tone more. It’s still hard to live down how much his well being affects Damian, and how the teen really cares for him. It’s a weight, but a nice one, like a big doberman that sits on you out of love.

“You would’ve cared, they’re family, don’t be such a stubborn ass.” Jason chuckled, ruffling Damian’s silky satin black hair.

Damian grabs his hand, “Maybe you’re the one underestimating my feelings for you.”

Oh shit. Damian finally said it. Jason had braced himself for this the moment he realized what Damian’s curious side glances meant. After two years of the tension, he’s still not ready.

“Now, Damian...” Jason lifts his hand defensively, trying to calm the eager teenager.

“No.” Damian knit his eyebrows, in a flash his face leans close with his hands' roots firmly on either side of Jason’s face. They feel each other’s breath, Damian still has his eyes nailed to Jason’s, while Jason is too dumbfounded to look away.

“I had wanted to wait until I’m a legal age so you won't restrain, but now the circumstances have changed, and I’m not waiting.” Damian gets dangerously close, yet not as stoic as Jason had thought.

There’s hesitation there, shyness. Damian is being painfully cute, and for once he looked like a 17-year-old boy. Jason can’t really lean away. First, because he was trapped. Second, how can he say no to that face?

Their lips almost brushed, but Damian pulls away and lands his lips on the roots of Jason’s hairline instead. The gentle touch sends earthquakes to Jason’s chest, catching his breath for a second.

“I will be making my advances from now on, be ready for me Jason,” Damian smirked. Jason didn’t think it was possible. There's hunger in Damian’s eyes that intimidates the living hell out of Jason.

One thing Damian predicts wrong, is that he thinks Jason would resist. Bring it on.

+++++++

Damian didn’t give up. So, here he is halfway across the world, by the helicopter rooftop in Dubai with his mother.

“I never would’ve thought you wanted to see me again, not after you killed half of my men trying to take you back.”

“You’re misinformed, I didn’t want to be forcefully dipped into that pit of madness, I would like to keep my sanity.”

“My child, as foolish as ever, when I’m being so generous to give you power and infinity.”

“The Lazarus pit didn’t give you eternal life.”

His mother curled up her red painted lips into a knowing smirk.

“This is about that man, isn’t it? The dead Robin, is he dying?”

Damian didn’t say anything.

“You’re asking me for a way to fix him.”

Hands clenched and gritted teeth. His mother steps closer, the sound of her heels is probing through his skull

“You love him.”

“If you have no offer to give me I suggest you quit wasting my time before I kill the other half of your men and then you.” Damian hissed. Stepping forward to tower over his mother. Years without seeing her, and when he does, he already gains inches over her.

Damian is proud of his genes, not as filled in as Jason like he wanted to, but he finally gains his heights.

“My poor child.” Talia sighed, ghosting her hand over Damian’s face, before placing it at his jaw. Eyes just as cold even though her voice tenderly moans.

“I would love to bind you to be by my side, to save your loved ones, and excellent choice of lover. You’re my son after all.”

“Mother,” Damian warns, he is running out of patience.

“The only way is to put him back to Lazarus Pit, gain him more years from his impending death, and I would allow it of course, for a price.”

Damian didn’t even look like he’s considering it.

+++++++++

They didn’t really know when Jason’s end date really is, but they have established that Jason wanted everything to just go normally. But Jason is getting weaker even though blissfully slow. Jason knows this makes Damian restless, but he compromises it by making really bold advances. If Jason had drunk one more shot the other night, Damian might have succeeded in stripping him naked and touch him all over. Though the next day, after some talk and argument, Jason let Damian do just that.

Dealing with every bat after killing Joker has been painful, and annoying because they keep insisting like they know everything. They still didn’t know about Jason’s condition, and hopefully, it stays that way.

It’s getting hard to see everyone eye to eye after Jason had touched Damian, but it’s actually more like Damian that has touched him. The teen was eager to please, and Jason was starstruck. He didn’t know how Damian learn the things he does.

Then it got even bolder.

Some of the bats were patrolling near Jason’s location. Red hood is tailing a drug lord by the docks. Jason took off his helmet as he stakes out. Nightwing, Orphan and Spoiler had dropped by to assist since it’s a pretty big bust. They were talking over how to make the bust as neat as possible and Robin rings to his com.

“Hood, I’m in the area, do you need my help?”

“Got 3 of the bats here already Robin, it’s cool.”

A flash of green red and yellow landed beside him, “You sure?” Robin said again, now eye to eye.

“I’m sure kid, go on, the rest of Gotham needs you.” Jason nods to the faraway city.

Damian didn’t reply immediately. Jason knows if Damian insists on assisting, he can’t say no. He promised that to Damian, and Jason wouldn’t mind. The more the merrier.

“I see.” Then Damian clenched Jason’s jacket, pulled him closer and kisses him deeply. Jason froze in place, he stops his hand before instinctively hold on to Damian’s waist.

“I’ll be dropping over tonight,” he said before he grapples away.

Jason froze. So does Dick, Cass, and Steph who definitely sees that the teen just kissed him on the fucking mouth, which means everyone’s gonna know. Fuck. Dick already had his jaw hanging, Cass doesn't seem surprised, which is unsurprising.

“Bruce’s gonna come at you tonight just so you know,” Steph stating the obvious.

“I bet, but he’s not just gonna deal with me.”

++++++++++

Damian just had a fight with his Father. He had predicted this the moment he kissed Jason in front of them. Damian had wished nothing of his father’s blessing, he knew he would never have them. It didn’t matter anyway because Jason will...

By then Jason will already...

“Hey Baby bat, nasty frown you got there, what’s up?”

As he promised, Damian is in Jason’s safe house, and in Jason’s clothes. When Jason finally arrived from his mission, the swirling dread of impending doom is still there. Damian is afraid of regrets, afraid of things he didn’t get to do.

“Will you go on a date with me?” Damian blurts out

Jason visibly froze mid pouring hot water for his tea.

“Uh, sure? The Carnaval still in town, wanna go now?”

“No, I will plan on our date, tomorrow will be good.”

Jason raises an eyebrow, must’ve sensed that Damian is thinking about something. Not every day that the teen has impulsive plans. They're supposed to chill today, Jason’s about to educate him about Parks and Rec, and maybe cuddle to sleep. Damian hates that he has to miss that tonight.

“As much as I like going on a date, that’s not why you’re frowning is it?”

“It is. I was horrified after I realized I haven’t taken you to some mandatory courting.”

“Courting huh? Feeling like a blushing bride already.” He sits across Damian on the dining table, smiling warmly as his body relaxes in Damian’s presence, as it should be forever.

“You don’t mind? I do remember you don’t like a mundane romantic getaway.”

Jason just shrugs. “For image sake, lately I’ve been letting myself liking things I do like, as ridiculous is it is.”

“As for it should be beloved.”

Jason chocked on his tea, “what did you say?”

“You hear me,” Damian leaned in to kiss Jason’s earl grey flavored lips. Chapped but warm, fragrant to the taste.

“I’m sorry to say that I’ll be taking my leave tonight, I have to plan our date tomorrow.”

Before Jason could stop him, Damian already flew out the window with Jason’s clothes still on him. This might be or might not be Damian’s attempt to steal Jason’s clothes, one sleep over at a time.

++++++++++++++

“Where are you going this early in the day Master Damian?”

Early in the Wayne Manor is before brunch. Everyone won't wake up before that because of the nightlife. That’s why Damian is right now, taking the bread pudding he made earlier today to impress Jason and step one of courting.

He’s not worried about Alfred holding him back, it’s the others. He knows they have opinions on him dating Jason.

“Going on a date with Jason today, I made this bread pudding for him yesterday, what do you think?”

Alfred gave it a thorough check, “it looks rather nice, probably will be nicer to eat if warm.”

“Thank you Alfred, I’ll get going.”

“Before you leave, I’d like to inform you that we’re having a family dinner next week.”

“What’s the occasion?”

“Me.”

Fair enough. If Alfred didn’t make demands on family dinners, none of them would meet each other at all, not on non-vigilante related purposes at least. And no one can reject Alfred on his indulgent family dinners, not even Damian.

“I also want you to ask Jason to come, he was absent for a few months and I’m not taking another no for an answer.”

Damian knows exactly why Jason doesn’t want to come, and he still thinks Jason doesn’t want to.

“I’ll tell him but I can’t guarantee...”

Alfred put a hand on his shoulder, eyes soften knowingly, “Please.”

Shock would be an understatement, but if Alfred knew, then his father must’ve too. That explains why his father hasn’t barged into the two of them.

“Since when?” Damian asked.

“Since the two of you fought, and he talked to Talia.”

“Who else knew?”

“None that I knew of.”

Damian just smiled, now conflicted. It’s only fair for Alfred to meet one of his children, he must’ve missed Jason too. He wonders if his father shares the same sentiment.

“If father knew I met mother, does it means he’s looking for a cure too?”

Alfred didn’t reply to that.

“Or he’s leaving Jason to die, as punishment.”

“Master Damian, Master Bruce might have been a complicated man, but he loved his children, though it hardly shows. I can tell you that he’s just as devastated as you and me, and just as hopeless.”

Damian wished he can believe that. Years living with this family and Alfred, he knew the old butler has a soft spot for his father, protecting him like his own son. Damian could relate to that feeling. But that’s not the answer Damian had wanted.

“I’ll talk to Jason about dinner, thank you.”

++++++++++++++++++++

Damian went all out. Jason had been impressed by the bread pudding, accusing him that he stole it from Alfred. Then they teleported to France (Damian pulled some strings of his superhero friends.). They ate lunch there, anything that Jason wanted to see or eat. Then they teleported to London. Sightseeing all the places in Jason’s favorite book. The look of Jason’s starstruck eyes is the most precious thing Damian didn’t know he needed.

To think that the vigilante spent his years traveling around the world with the outlaws, but still has some places he missed along the way.

“Guess we stop trouble before they make it to the tourist spots,” or so the man said.

They only had a day, if only there aren’t more pressing matters catching up to them, Damian would’ve taken his sweet time to pamper Jason. Though the whole day made coming to Gotham’s Carnaval at the end of the day pretty basic, Jason still seems happy.

“Today’s been great, though I still can’t believe you made that bread pudding.”

“Really? We’ve teleported to France to eat lunch and that’s the one blowing your mind the most?” Damian scoffed.

Both of them looks away to the night sky as the Ferris wheel took them to the top.

“Yeah, because I know you didn’t like to cook, but you did anyway, for me.”

Damian only then realized what Jason had meant. Why he was so mind-blown, and why his face was smiling the whole time he eats a half pan of the pudding. He had been so stupid, what’s the use of teleporting dates to impress Jason? When what Jason had wanted has been clear.

He links his hands to Jason’s, leaning his head on Jason’s shoulder.

“I’ll do anything for you Jason, you must know that.”

“I know, I know today is for me. It’s a great date, really. I can’t thank you enough.” Jason leaned down and kissed the top of his head. Damian buries his face on the crook of his neck, feeling giddy at what he’s about to do.

They’re reaching the top of the Ferris wheel, and Damian pulls back a little. Looking at those blue-green eyes he adores, and those eyes look back at him lovingly. A surge of emotions filled him to the brim with confidence.

“I love you, Jason,” and he leans forward, placing his lips softly against Jason’s. Feeling his racing heartbeat after his confession, fear that Jason would pull back because of the same reason.

He didn’t. The Ferris wheel pauses, and Jason pulls him by the waist and kisses him deeper. Damian reached out to Jason’s neck, his slender fingers raking up to the back of Jason’s head, combing the hair there and pulls him even closer as he nibbled on his lips. His other hand is on Jason’s chest, feeling it beats as hard as Damian’s.

“A little something aren’t you Dami?” Jason said between kisses with amusement in his tone.

The Ferris wheel moves again, and they pull away before people on land can see them. They didn’t pull apart too far, not wanting to the warmth they just shared.

“I must admit, top of the Ferris wheel kisses didn’t add to the moment as I had anticipated.”

Jason burst out a breathless laugh, but still holding Damian’s shoulder. Though just kissing Jason feels good, he just thought being on the sky will make it something more. Like a dramatic confession, or something.

“What romantic comedy were you taking reference from?” Jason said between chuckle.

“None, Steph has told me about it, I’m so disappointed in her.” Damian huffed, folding his arms.

“I’m not surprised, don’t trust Steph on romantic getaways, besides, if we want to kiss on the sky, we can just grapple our way to the tallest building easily.”

“Hmmm, that’s a good idea.”

They looked at each other with a mischievous smile.

+++++++++++++++

“I should’ve known that you’d pick this building.” Damian dropped by the rooftop, seeing the Gargoyle statue looks away to the city below, “Though it’s nice to finally meet your childhood friend.”

“Yup, this is him, this is my favorite view.” Jason pat’s the Gargoyle’s head, looking where his friend is looking while Damian waits patiently.

Jason looks up, shooting his grapple hook to the absolute top of the building where a pole shoots to the dim sky. His other hand reaches out to Damian, waiting for the taking.

“What are you doing?” Damian questioned, but he still gives himself to Jason, holding onto his shoulder as Jason wraps his waist tightly.

“What do you mean? We’re kissing on the sky, hold on.” The hook retracted, and they shoot up to the top.

There’s barely any space to put their feet on, this part of the building in only there as decoration, a morbid and bland decoration. Damian slips from the narrow crook of the pole’s base, but he didn’t budge at all. He’s holding onto Jason just as firm as Jason holds on to him. He looks down, to the glittering lights of Gotham’s life in the night. Damian remembered his loathe of the ugly city and Jason’s nightmare in living here through his childhood, yet from up here, it’s beautiful, as most cities looked from afar.

Damian is still holding onto Jason, feet hanging in the air. Jason is the only one preventing from both of them falling to their deaths, but Damian feels safe and grounded. He doesn’t care for anything else in the world as long as he gets to stay here in his arms.

Damian smiles at the face right in front of him, eyes staring back at him filled with love and compassion, taking his breath away. Jason leans forward, warm breath ghosting over Damian’s face.

“I love you too Dami.”

Damian didn’t have the chance to process that because Jason kisses him right after. His chest filled to the brim when he felt Jason smiling under their kisses. Feet still in the air, hundreds of meters above the ground, they share their heated kisses hanging by a thread.

They’re kissing on the sky. And Jason loved him too.

+++++++++

Waking up with Jason in his arms has been his weekly occasion that he had anticipated greatly. The only difference now is that they’re skin to skin. Under the thick blanket, shielding the morning cold away, Jason’s body completely bare as well as Damian’s. The heat of last night remains, and Damian had never felt this content before.

He tucks Jason’s head to the crook of his neck, holding him protectively, yet he knew there are things Damian can’t protect him from. All he can do just cherish what he can.

Rubs on his back calmed him. Jason is awake, yet he says nothing, doesn’t move away as well. They cherish whatever this is together. Not wanting to let go all the same.

Damian shimmied down to Jason’s eye level. Seeing a tired face smile, and Damian combs away the white strands covering his perfect face. Leaving a peck on his lips then traveled down to the sexy curves of Jason’s neck. Hands going up and down Jason’s side, tracing the carving of Jason’s body. The muscles, and scars, all beautiful.

Jason left a breathy moan when Damian’s hand reached lower.

“Again.” Jason whimpers, and Damian obliges.

+++

Jason had reluctantly agreed, but once he’s here, he seems to be having fun. His face instantly lights up when he met Alfred. Damian and Jason arrived at Wayne Manor earlier than the others, and it was a good decision. Jason got his alone time with Alfred, catching up to where they left off, then everyone else came one by one as Jason warmed up to them when another came.

Jason didn’t even care that his father is here too. They barely talk, but they’re not fighting, that’s a win.

None of them mentioned about their relationship, which is odd, but Damian lets it go as long as they’re not being intrusive or annoying. Today is not about Damian, but Jason. He’s playing intensive scrabble with Tim while the rest either watch with the same intensity or playing Mario Kart.

Damian left for the kitchen to refill the pretzels and popcorns. When he slams the packets of corn kettle, he grudgingly sighed.

“I take it you wanted to share a piece of your mind,” Damian turns around, meeting the concerned face, “Dick.”

His oldest brother just smiles, as pretty as ever.

“I’m not here to judge, but you can’t blame me to have a hunch that... something is wrong.”

Damian looks away.

“Damian, is there something you’re hiding from us? What’s happening?”

Damian nibbled on his lips, it’s always harder to keep secrets from his favorite brother. “It’s not mine to tell.”

“Is it Jason’s?”

“Yes, but if you try to demand the truth out of him I will not hesitate to block you out of my life even though you are like my blood brother to me.”

Dick raises his arms defensively, chuckling nervously, “Alright alright I get it, but you still can’t blame me to worry.”

“So do I.” Damian sighed.

“You really love him, don’t you?” Dick looks at Damian with pure amusement.

“With all my soul.”

Dick visibly melt at his usually curt little brother’s confession.

“Thank you for bringing him here, contrary to his beliefs, we all do miss him, especially Cass, but she knew, didn’t she?”

“There’s no hiding from her.” Damian shrugged.

They paused.

“You know we would help, we would do anything.”

Damian wavers. He promised Jason that he’ll keep quiet, but if there’s even a pair of hand that can help, even if there’s the slightest chance...

“Anything?”

+++++++++++++

Sunday night. Jason didn’t feel like patrolling he said, and Damian sees that as an opportunity to spend the night with Jason. They play chess, cook a late night supper, and fell asleep in bed telling stories about their superhero friends' embarrassing stories.

Monday morning. Damian decided not to go to school when he wakes up with Jason. The air around them is as chaste as their first time making love. Damian didn’t want to let this feeling be over just yet, so he stayed. Jason just laughed and let him be in his safe house longer.

After breakfast, they lounge by the sofa. Damian puts on the news while Jason leans his head on Damian’s shoulder while reading a book. Damian leans his head on top of Jason’s, when not turning pages, the other hand is in Damian’s hand, locking together. With closed eyes, Damian breathes in the calming scent of Jason’s hair.  He feels how Jason smiled on his shoulders and sighs happily once in a while. They stay there until noon comes.

Damian didn’t put his attention to the tv at all. It’s set on low for a white noise of their calm moment together. He combs the black and white hair of Jason when they get too low and a hindrance to his mesmerizing eyes.

Jason hums happily at the touch, and Damian lives for that noise.

“It’s noon, what do you want for lunch?” Jason looks up, a little bit fatigued he can’t hide from his eyes, they did sleep only so little last night.

“I don’t want you to cook, let’s just order something and stay on the sofa,” Damian mewled, leaning closer to Jason, desperate to find his body warmth that’s already faint.

“Okay.” Jason takes Damian’s face in his hands that rub slowly and cold to the touch, fresh out of the shower.

“I love you, Damian,” the intense compassion that shouts from Jason’s blue-green eyes made Damian wants to melt away. Damian holds back a desperate sob behind his throat.

“I love you too Jason, you must know that I love you with all my soul,” Damian confessed, he lays his heart bare open for Jason to see, it’s what his beloved deserves.

Jason only chuckles, “Then I’m one lucky guy.”

They lean to meet their lips together, a chaste kiss. Damian holds onto Jason’s body like holding for his dear life as Jason cradles his face gently like fine china.

Jason slips away into Damian’s arm, who caught the bulky body in his embrace. He laid there with one last sigh over Damian’s lips before his body finally gives up completely onto Damian’s awaiting hold. There’s no warmth in the body Damian holds, no pulse beats against his skin.

Tucking Jason’s head to his shoulder, Damian buries his face on Jason’s hair and let his tears fall to the top of Jason’s head. There’re two bodies in the room but Damian is alone, no one to hear his mournful wails and sobs.

There is no cure, only destiny. Damian has looked for months but never found anything.

This is destiny, what’s it meant to be. What Jason had accepted, and what Damian must take.

And Damian is lucky enough to be here till the last of Jason’s life, in each other’s arms.

+++++++++++++

#jaydami #jason todd #damian wayne #batboys headcanons #jason todd fanfiction #damian wayne fanfiction #red hood #dc robin #batfam #batfam headcanons #jaydami fanfiction #emocel's

[ko-fanatic]

hidden scar (Kyoharu)

For @badthingshappenbingo, anon requested Hidden Scar

Rating: Mature

Fandom: Ouran High School Host Club

Character(s): Kyoya Ootori, Haruhi Fujioka

Pairing(s): KyoHaru

TW: Self-Harm scars

The silence between them was stifling. Awkward in a way thatturned the air to thick smog that couldn’t be taken into his lungs, no matterhow hard he tried. He might have grown out of his near-constant panic attacks,but the feeling was still far from forgotten. He was under constant pressure,after all; from his family, his teachers, his peers, but most of all himself.Which was what led him to this current situation, he supposed.

Haruhi wasn’t saying anything. His tongue was swollen andstuck to the roof of his mouth. His chest rose and fell hard, which would’veembarrassed him if he had the presence of mind – of consciousness – to think onit. Sitting on the couch with his girlfriend, shirtless, hyperventilatingbecause of the thought of pulling down his trousers.

It was truly ridiculous, and he couldn’t even speak up. Notafter he flinched so hard and all but tossed Haruhi to the ground. Apologiescoated the back of his throat like the bile that crept up from his stomach,burning and swallowed down harshly. He couldn’t even breathe; how could he askif she was okay? How could he say sorry when he was so breathless, and his headwas spinning?

“Kyoya, what’s wrong?” He heard her ask, a barrage of mentalinsults spewing forth and threatening to carry away the small remainder ofthought he had left in a sea of vomit-inducing self-hatred. He should be askingher that, but instead it was reversed because he just couldn’t do anything.

Because what would she say when she saw? It wasn’t like shethought he was completely unscarred by just about everything that went wrong inhis life, or even that she thought he was truly the king of ice with noemotions. She stripped his defences away one by one, saw who he tried to hidebehind his many masks, but this… was different. This wasn’t some unfortunate circumstanceor trance of a real person beneath his cool apathy.

This was damage. This was undeniable proof of how fucked uphe was. It was evidence of tears and blood shed in the shower, because he wassomeone incapable of making friends like a normal person. He only everattracted vultures, drawn to his family’s name and prestige. Jesus, he neededto get out of the spiral, but he couldn’t, and he was just making everything somuch worse.

He was no stranger to panic attacks. He used to have themconstantly, but he grew up. He got atighter control of his emotions, a thicker skin, a stonier mask. But here itwas, crumbling apart in his hands just because his girlfriend wanted to have sex with him. He wanted to, but then shereached for his trousers and… she couldn’t see. He was meant to be strong, notbroken.

A hand – Haruhi’s soft, small hand – raked through his hair.At first it was something that made him flinch, not expecting the touch, butthe tension slowly eased from his coiled muscles. He loved her running herfingers through his hair; it was so soothing. It helped, if only a little, andhe did his breathing exercises in silence. The touch helped him focus, so hecould ease out of the spiral himself. So he could just breathe for a moment. Heknew she was worried, but all he felt he could do in that moment was wrap hisarms around her waist and nuzzle into her shoulder.

He was still shaky, still had to focus on drawing air intohis lungs, but it did ease into something calmer, less urgent.

“We don’t have to do anything,” She assured, the hand not inhis hair rubbing circles into his permanently tense shoulders, “We can just laydown and cuddle if you want. Did I push -?”

“No!” He rushed to deny, voice a bit too loud in the silentapartment, and he cleared his throat in some sort of attempt to ease theawkwardness he felt. Her hands had been pushed off him with the force in whichhe sat up, and she could only blink owlishly at him for a moment, obviouslyunsure how to proceed, “It’s… It’s not that I don’t want to be intimate with you, I just… There are…”

He couldn’t stop stammering, unsure what to say, but he onlyreally had one option: the truth.

“I have… scars there…” He admitted, so quiet yet clear as abell in the still, stuffy, indoor air of the room. Haruhi just cocked her headto the side – like some sort of inquisitive puppy – and looked at him with an expressionthat just screamed “and? So what?”

She wouldn’t care about scars from surgery, or an accident,or some childhood fuck up – and neither would he. Scar tissue was normal, butthese scars were different, and itwasn’t because of some shallow, aesthetic insecurity of his. They werestraight, silver and almost prettyagainst his pale skin, but it was the connotations. The circumstances. It wastangible proof of how much of a mess he was, and he didn’t want her to see.

“You know it doesn’t matter to me,” She stated, soft butmatter-of-fact, “You’re beautiful, Kyoya, but I love you for a lot more thanthat. You’re sweet, and soft, even if you don’t let many others see it. Even ifyou showed it to me without meaning to, at the time. Scars aren’t going tochange that.”

“But they will,” He faltered, “It’s not… the scars themselves,but what they represent. I don’t… You wouldn’t want to see them, because thenyour opinion of me will have to change.”

“Maybe it will and maybe it won’t, I can’t say I can tellwith how little I know about those scars. What I can tell you, is that it won’tstop me from loving you, because what’s happened in the past is already over,”She soothed, coaxing him back into her embrace once more, “You don’t have toshow me tonight, but… I think we need to talk about it eventually.”

“I love you too,” He whispered, “I… I don’t think I can justshow you, but…”

He took a deep breath, eyes stinging, trying to force thewords from his mouth. It was a simple sentence; five little words. But it heldso much weight, despite being in the past. Three years clean, and it was stilla part of him he couldn’t seem to get rid of. It still whispered to him, evenif it had been so long since he actually acted on those impulses.

“I used to cut myself,” He blurted, unsure that he’d be ableto confess if he didn’t do it quickly. He could feel Haruhi’s arms tighten aroundhis shoulders, her lips pressed to his hair, and he just couldn’t seem to stoptalking, “I haven’t done it in years. I was a stupid, depressed brat back then,and I quit. It’s not very attractive, I know, but –”

“Kyoya,” Haruhi broke in, her voice suspiciously thick asshe attempted to bury her face in his hair, “Just shut up for a sec.”

Her embrace was firm, only pulling him closer, but he stillcouldn’t help but feel anxious about it. Like she’d push him away and he’d losethe warm, delicate touches he’d had for almost two years now. He’d lose thegirl who he wanted to be open with,even if he found it difficult. He should have told her sooner, he knew that,but it never came up. It was in the past and so he couldn’t make himself admitto the kind of person he used to be.

“It’s not unattractive or whatever, it’s just that you hurtenough to do something like that to yourself,” Haruhi sniffed, and Kyoya startledslightly. Blinking sent the burning tears that had been setting his eyes onfire trailing down his cheeks, wetting the t-shirt Haruhi was still wearing, “Iwish you’d told me before, but… I’m glad you did. How long…?”

“I’ve been clean for three years,” He smiled, although thewords were certainly watery, “I sometimes get the urges, but I ignore them.They pass easier than before, even if they never really go away.”

“Well, next time those thoughts come back, please tell me; I’llhelp you through it. You don’t have to be alone in this anymore.”

—

Ranka opened the door to the apartment sheepishly, handcovering his eyes just in case he was… interruptingsomething. Still, the house was calm in the fresh morning light, and no suspectsounds were heard.

What he did find, however, was them asleep on the couch,some sort of mindless cartoon on in the background. The most compromising thingabout the scene was how far Kyoya could spread his legs in his sleep. Layingbetween Haruhi’s legs, one of his own slung over the back of the couch whilethe other foot rested on the ground beside him. The bedhead was impressive, aswas that Haruhi put up with the fact Kyoya drooled so sloppily in his sleep. Itwas pretty adorable.

Snapping a quick photo on his phone to remember the impossiblycute scene, he went to the kitchen to make both himself and the happy couplesomething to eat when they both finally woke up. What more could a loving fatherdo for his daughter and future son-in-law?

#ouran high school host club #OHSHC #kyoharu #Kyoya Ootori #haruhi fujioka #badthingshappenbingo #bad things happen bingo

[crystalninjaphoenix]

Resurgence

A Jacksepticeye Fanfiction

Part Thirteen: Upside Down

First Part | Previous | Next

Summary: Where did Jackie go? None of the others are sure, but they know who’s behind it. Jackie himself is lost in a strange sort of world, but he’s surprised by what he finds in there.

Chase woke up with his heart beating unusually fast, covered in sweat. For a moment, the image of a red hallway lingers in his mind, a bright green light piercing the darkness...but then it fades. It must have been a nightmare. Weird. He looks over at the clock. It was almost two a.m., jeez, why was he up? Guess it was the nightmare. He’s about to fall asleep again when he hears somebody yelling downstairs.

No, that was probably fine, JJ had stayed the night...and then Chase bolted upright. No, that couldn’t be an explanation for why there was shouting downstairs. How the hell had he forgotten? And who was in his house, then? Chase flung the covers away, pulling open his nightstand drawer and taking out his gun. It was unloaded, but it could work as a threat. He ran down the hall—having the strangest feeling of deja vu—to the stairs. Taking the steps two at a time, he followed the sound of the voice into the living room.

“—and if Jackie’s dead I swear I’m going to kill him!”

For a split second, Chase doesn’t recognize the people in the room. Then he wonders why he didn’t. There’s JJ, sitting on the couch still wearing his day clothes, probably having not slept at all. And there’s Marvin, wearing his mask and cape, frantically pacing along one wall. Chase watches as he pulls out his wand and taps the front door’s knob, causing it to glow green for a moment.

“Wh—Marv, what are you doing here?!” Chase asked, lowering his empty gun.

Marvin spun around. “I’m freaking the fuck out, Chase! That’s what I’m doing!”

“Yeah, I can see that but why?”

“Because I saw him!” Marvin was shaking a bit. “Jackie and Sam found me, and there was that detective, and then he showed up in the phone, and-and we decided to split up, which was probably a bad idea but he wasn’t going to take no for an answer, and th-then he followed me, I could hear him there was static everywhere and-and-and—” he cut off, breathing rapidly, almost hyperventilating.

JJ stood up and walked over to Marvin. I think you need to sit down, my good man. Marvin didn’t protest as JJ guided him over to the couch and sat him down on it. Chase stuffed the empty gun into the waistband of his pajama pants, then walked over to stand next to JJ.

Now, we can’t help if you keep running around like a lunatic and won’t give us the whole story, JJ signed. So if you would please start at the beginning.

Marvin nodded, very deliberately taking deep breaths. Once he calmed down enough, he told Chase and JJ all about how he’d been in the north part of the city when Sam had led Jackie right to him. He explained about the conversation they had about pocket dimensions and how they’d found Detective Akela eavesdropping on them, recording every word. Marvin had tried to delete the video, only to find out that he had tracked them down. Jackie had insisted they go different ways, and Marvin acquiesced.

“Wait, you let him go out on his own?!” Chase gaped. “You do realize that’s exactly what you’re not supposed to do, right?”

“Of course I fucking know!” Marvin yelled. “But you didn’t see the look on his face! He would’ve run away from me if he had to! He was just so...so determined.”

What happened next? JJ prompted gently.

“Well, I ran, of course. I-I didn’t want to leave him, but I did. And I had to run because I could hear him following me. He—he was in my-my head, s-saying things that—that—and I looked behind me and I s-saw him—” Marvin swallowed. “Like-like a man made out of three-dimensional white noise. Distortion. He was everywhere at once and his eye was glowing and I-I—I—” He cut off.

That description sounded oddly familiar to Chase. But why would it? He’d never seen Anti before. “And you think he followed you here?” Chase asked.

“He must have!” Marvin was shaking again. “Why would he stop? I tri-tried to ward your doors, but I don’t know if that will work.”

It will. The signs were firm, matching the expression on JJ’s face. Marvin, you are the most talented and GOOD magician I have ever met. I know he must have said things to you that would strike hard, but you must realize he lies. He just wants you to break down so he can get into your head.

“I know...” Marvin sounds like he’s trying to convince himself. “No, I know that. It’s just...hard to ignore those thoughts.”

Chase winced. Damn, if that wasn’t something he could relate to. “Well, then, we’re gonna drown them out. Marvin, whatever he said is absolutely not true. He’s a bitch and you’re gonna not give him the satisfaction.”

Marvin removed his mask and put his head in his hands. He took several deep breaths. JJ sat down next to him and put his hand on his back, rubbing comforting circles. After a moment of this, Marvin looks up again. “Okay. Okay, you’re right. You are. But now what are we supposed to do?”

“I think we just hold out,” Chase said, glancing toward the front door. “Wait and see if he really followed you here. See if Jackie shows up too. I should...go find some of the clips for this gun. Keep ‘em in a different part of the house.”

“Good. You shouldn’t even have that in the first place, it’s illegal.” That last part was said half-heartedly. Marvin relaxed, leaning back in the sofa.

JJ smiled. Well, while we’re waiting, should I make some tea?

Marvin laughed. “Only you would want to make tea at a time like this. But, yeah, if you’re offering, that would be appreciated.”

JJ patted Marvin on the shoulder before standing up and hurrying to the kitchen. Chase hesitated before turning around and heading back upstairs, looking for the storage closet where he kept the bullets for his gun. A week of no activity at all, of being worried about Bobby and Trevor wherever they were and wondering what Marvin was doing, and now the glitch just decides to show up again? What was he planning? And why just take a break in the middle of it when they’d had enough trouble dealing with all the shit he caused in just two days? He could have easily swooped in and fucked their lives up, but instead...what?

Chase arrived back downstairs with his gun actually loaded. Marvin was curled up at one end of the sofa, staring resolutely at the door and holding his wand in one hand. Chase had never seen him so tense. “It’s gonna be fine, bro,” he reassured him. “I think you outran him.”

Marvin didn’t look away from the door. “I doubt it. He’s not human, he wouldn’t get exhausted. And why would he give up?”

“I don’t know. Why would he take over Jack’s coma? Why would he take my...?” Chase trails off for a second, losing his train of thought. He blinked a few times and got back on track. “We don’t know how his mind works. Maybe he just wanted to fuck with you.”

Marvin laughed bitterly. “Maybe. Just show up and mess with my head, separate me from Jackie who I haven’t seen in an entire week—” he broke off. His eyes widened. “Wait...what if—Jackie!” He shot to hit feet. “I gotta—no, fuck, Jackie!—I—”

“Whoa, dude!” Chase immediately grabbed Marvin by the shoulders. “Calm down! What’s the problem?”

“He-he might’ve stopped following me to go after Jackie!” Marvin was panicking. “I knew I shouldn’t’ve left him! Fuck, dude, I have to—”

A loud knocking. Marvin and Chase jumped in unison to see JJ standing in the doorway to the kitchen, having just knocked on the doorframe for attention. You’ll be no good to anyone rushing off in a tizzy, he signed. There are a million more rational things to do about this. Calm down and think about it. He waited for a moment, staring down Chase and Marvin, making sure they weren’t about to rush out the door. Then he gestured behind him. The tea is ready, if you’d still care for it.

Chase and Marvin glanced at each other. They hadn’t seen JJ this assertive in a long time. It was a little jarring, but somehow welcome. So they followed him into the kitchen and sat at the table while JJ poured the tea into cups for them.

“Okay, so.” Chase’s fingers drummed an anxious rhythm on the table surface. “We obviously need to check on Jackie. But he doesn’t take his phone on patrol with him, and when he does it’s turned completely off.”

“Why the fuck does he do that?” Marvin muttered.

Chase shrugged. “Apparently the noise got in in trouble one time. Even the vibration. But anyway, we can’t call him.”

JJ then makes two signs. The one for phone, which looked like one of those fake telephones children make with their hands, and then one neither of the others had ever seen before. It looked like a combination of two: first tapping his left wrist with two of his fingers like he was taking a pulse, then linking his two pinkies together.

“What was that?” Marvin asked. “Doctor...then that second one is ‘S’ right?” His eyes widen. “Wait, did you give Schneep a name sign? When did you do that?”

JJ nodded. I don’t see why I shouldn’t. We are...going to be close, after all.

Wait, didn’t Schneep not like JJ? No, they made up. Chase and Jackie locked them in a room together until they did. Chase shook himself internally. How could he forget that? “Well anyway, you sayin’ we should call him?”

He is staying with Jackie, JJ pointed out. If Jackie has come home, Schneep would know.

“But...he’s electronic and shit,” Chase said. “Wouldn’t he know if we call Doc? Could he mess with the call? Make a fake one?”

“Possibly, but I think we should try. Better than waiting.” Marvin digs deep into his pocket and pulls out a phone, then dials a number.

Chase raises an eyebrow. “New phone?”

“Yeah. Didn’t want the police or, y’know, him, tracking me.” The other line rings for a while before someone on the other side picks up. “Hey, Schneep? It’s Marvin.” This prompts a string of yelling so loud even Chase and JJ can hear it through the phone. “Schneep, calm down, I—yeah, I know—no, shut up, just listen. First things first, I have a question for you. Do you remember when we first met? What was the first thing you said to me? Yes, this is important.”

Chase gives Marvin an odd look, but Marvin just waves him down, listening to the other side. JJ signs, He’s asking a question only the doctor would know the answer to. Just to check if it’s really him. Great idea!

Schneep must’ve given the right answer, because Marvin relaxed. “Okay. Cool. Just making sure. Now, uh, is Jackie home?” A pause. Then Marvin’s eyes widened and he started tapping the table nervously. “You’re sure? Maybe he just came home without you noticing. Can you check?” The next pause seemed to last an hour. Then Marvin made a strange sort of squeak sound. He forced himself to sound calm. “Okay, thank’s for checking. No, it’s fine. You can go back to sleep now. No, seriously, it’s fine. I just wanted to talk to him, but if he’s still out on patrol I can wait. Yes, everything’s fine. Thanks, bye.” He hung up the phone, took a shaky breath, then looked at Chase and JJ. “He’s not there.”

Chase feels a jolt of panic. “B-but that doesn’t mean he got to him? Right? Does it?”

JJ looks grave. I am...afraid. There’s a chance, but...the odds aren’t in Jackie’s favor.

Marvin shuddered. “Fuck. Fuck, dude. We need to—well, we need to check on Schneep, he was starting to freak out on his end—but then we need to look for Jackie...just to make sure.”

“But...” Chase almost didn’t want to mention it, but it needed to be said. “Marv...if he took him, wouldn’t Jackie be in that-that pocket dimension place you mentioned?”

Marvin paled. “Yeah. But I...I don’t know how to access those yet. I—I need to practice. So we’ll start by checking the city.”

If we’re going to check on the doctor, then we’d better do it sooner than later. JJ stood up. Never mind the tea, I’ll clean up while Chase gets ready to go.

“James, how are you so...calm?” Chase asked. “I thought you’d be freaking out.”

Jameson looked at him. There was an unusual, hard light in his eyes. That bastard can have my dreams, but he won’t have the rest of me. I won’t give him the pleasure. And he will not take my friends either. He closed his eyes and took a deep, steadying breath. Now, let’s go check on the good doctor.

Jackie opened his eyes, even though he couldn’t remember closing them. He was in the same spot he was before, kneeling on the sidewalk, holding Sam in his hands. But then he looked up. He didn’t see the night sky. He saw a vast expanse of red, no stars, no moon, no sun.

Slowly, he looked around. It was the city. He was still in the northern part, but...it was different. Other than the blood-red sky, that is. The street lamps were gone, and all the buildings were black—still made out of the same materials, stone and wood and steel, but now everything was dark as a void. The glass of the windows were solid white, no longer transparent. He looked toward the center of the city, where the tallest buildings were, and saw their black shapes rising into the sky. There was a constant, low-level hum that he couldn’t ignore. The air tasted metallic, snappy, electric.

“Sam?” Jackie looked down at the little eye. They were still unresponsive, barely glowing. But when he held them close to him, the glow increased the tiniest bit. “Hang in there, buddy.” He stood up, carefully making sure not to drop them. “I’m—I’m gonna get you out of here.” He didn’t know where to go, but he started walking anyway.

The ground didn’t feel solid. Every time he took a step, it felt like it shifted a little beneath his boots, like he was walking on gravel instead of plain gray concrete. There was light coming from...somewhere. Maybe the sky. Or the windows. There was no way to tell.

Suddenly, one of the buildings in the distance broke. There was no better way to describe it. One moment it was normal, the next moment the top half of it was sideways. It spazzed out, copies of the building jutting out at different angles, the white windows flickering in and out of existence. It looked like...like a video game glitch. Then the glitch spread, the buildings next to it copying, frantically  malfunctioning, bugging. The wave of glitching buildings moved outward, coming right toward Jackie.

“Shit!” Jackie broke into a run. He didn’t care which direction he was heading, he just knew he couldn’t get caught up in the glitch wave. It was gaining speed, coming closer and closer to him, and as it approached the hum grew louder, into an ear-piercing whine. The ground was like sand, and he was running uphill. Every step took too much effort for how little he was moving. He glanced behind him, and the glitch wave was upon him, screeching in his ears. He ducked his head, hugging Sam to his chest. The glitches were around him, he was caught in their wild crashing and screaming. The ground gave up its hold on his boots. He felt like he was being tossed too and fro like a pinball in a pinball machine at the hands of a master. All he could do was curl around Sam and hope they’d both make it out okay.

He slammed into something hard with a painful smack. The glitches subsided. He was laying on the sidewalk—no, now he’s standing up, having not moved at all. How...actually it was probably better to not think about it. Jackie made sure that Sam was still safe, then gathered his bearings, observing his surroundings. It looked like he was in the dark version of the city park, with black, twisted trees and black soil underfoot that felt more solid than the sidewalk had. This was all the way across the city. Exactly what had that glitch wave done?

“This is gonna be harder than I thought, Sam,” Jackie muttered. He didn’t know if the eye could hear him, but it made him feel better to talk. “I guess we’ve just gotta improvise, then.” He started walking once again. Once he reached one of the park paths, he walked alongside it. He was pretty sure that it would be about as reliable as the sidewalk had been, with its not-entirely-there feeling.

He reached the park’s playground. It did not look like it had been made for children. The slides were black metal with holes rusted through them, the monkey bars had spikes on them so you would have to place your hands carefully, the swings were hanging by a single chain each, and the ground was made of sharp metal fragments instead of wood chips. Jackie shuddered. As dangerous as that looked, he had the feeling it could be much worse if it tried.

Something moved. He stopped in his tracks. He hadn’t imagined that, had he? He could have sworn he saw something over by one of the trees. “Who’s there?” he called, knowing it was probably a bad idea if the whatever it was could murder him.

Nothing. And then: “Bobby, I think it’s Uncle Jackie.”

Jackie felt his heart stop. He reached up and pulled off his mask and hood. “Trevor? Is that you?” 

There was the sound of whispering, and then a small boy with his curly blonde hair tucked under a blue cap came running out from behind one of the trees. He ran right into Jackie with a soft thump, wrapping his small arms around him. “Oh!” Jackie gasped. “It-it is you!”

“Trevor!” A slightly bigger girl with shoulder-length brown hair stumbled out from behind the same tree. “You can’t just do that! He could have been the monster!”

“Nu-uh!” Trevor’s reply was muffled from where his face was buried in Jackie’s leg. “I know him when I see him!”

“We thought we knew Dad when we see him too!” Bobby scowled.

With one hand, Jackie reached down and patted Trevor’s head. “You two are...okay? You’re not hurt?”

Trevor looked up at him with wide grey eyes. “Nope. But I’m hungry.”

Still scowling, Bobby marched over to the other two. She grabbed her brother by the hand and pulled him away. “Be careful!” she hissed.

“You two think I’m An—the monster, don’t you?” Jackie asked.

Bobby gave him a glare that could have fired lasers. “You could be.”

“Well, I’m not. I know I can’t prove it, but you have to trust me. I’m here to get you out of here.”

Trevor gasped. “You’re gonna defeat the monster?”

Jackie crouched, getting down to the kids’ eye level. “I’m going to try. But before I do that, I need to make sure you’re safe. Do you know where we are?”

Trevor shook his head. Bobby pulled him closer to her, then said, “Well, if you don’ know you’re maybe not the monster. He says this is his base. Like a supervillain. We walked through a hole in the wall and came out here.”

Jackie had no experience on the matter, but he was willing to bet this was one of those pocket dimensions Marvin had mentioned. Anti’s home base. “The monster hasn’t hurt you?”

Bobby shook her head. “He’s chased us. He said it was a game.”

“Like evil tag,” Trevor piped up. “Only we don’ wanna get tagged.”

“That’s a good idea,” Jackie mumbled. The kids didn’t look hurt, just tired. Obviously he wasn’t a doctor, but they seemed fine. They might need counseling once they got out of this place, but they were physically okay. “Have either of you seen a way to get out of here? Like, another hole like the one you came in through?”

“No,” Bobby said. “But we haven’ been everywhere.”

“Well, then. Tell me where you haven’t been, and we’ll start there.”

Bobby nodded slowly. She still wasn’t entirely sure that Jackie wasn’t the monster, but Trevor liked him so she’d go along with this. Trevor, meanwhile, pointed at Jackie’s chest. “What’re you holdin’?”

Jackie looked down. “Oh! This is Sam. They’re a friend of Uncle Jack’s.” He tilted his hand so that the kids could see Sam, curled up in his palm. “They’re not feeling too good right now.”

“Can I hold them?” Trevor asked.

Jackie thought about it, then nodded. “Sure, for a minute.” He passed the little eye to Trevor, who needed both hands to hold them. For a second, Sam’s optic nerve-tail twitched. They glowed a bit brighter. “I think they like you, Trev!” Jackie smiled. “Why don’t you carry them for a little bit?”

“Really? Okay!” Trevor smiled down at Sam, then gently hugged them. Bobby stared at Sam. “Why are they an eye?” she asked.

“I don’t know, why are you a human?”

She thought about this question, then shrugged. “I think it’s because Mom and Dad are humans. So does Sam have a mom eye and a dad eye?”

“Maybe. Like I said, they’re a friend of Uncle Jack’s. I don’t know that much about them.” Jackie straightened up. “Now. We have to get out of here. I’m counting on you two to show me where to go. Can I trust you to do that?”

Trevor nodded eagerly. “We’ll go to all the new places!” Bobby also nodded, though not as enthusiastically.

“That’s the spirit! Lead the way!”

The two kids scampered off, heading out of the twisted park. Jackie paused for just a moment, looking around. He had a feeling someone was watching him, and he didn’t like it. But he couldn’t deal with that right now. The kids were the priority. He had to make sure they were safe, no matter what. So he turned and followed them.

He didn’t see the green eyes blink open out of thin air behind him. He didn’t hear the giggle, hidden under the constant hum. He didn’t realize everything was happening just as he intended.

#jacksepticeye #jacksepticeye fanfiction #jacksepticegos #septic egos #chase brody #marvin the magnificent #jameson jackson #jackieboy man #antisepticeye #brigid writes fanfiction #resurgence jse fic

[nosecrinklewrites]

Human Disaster Kylo, part 11

part 1 – part 2 – part 3 – part 4 – part 5 – part 6 – part 7 – part 8 – part 9 – part 10

”Darling? You awake?”

Kylo stirred. There was a hand in his hair, gently caressing him. He turned his face into the pillow. The curtains had been opened and the sun was much too bright on his face.

”Come on, sleepyhead.”

Kylo made an unhappy sound and rolled over drowsily, chasing the body heat. He opened one eye, then the other. The hazy outline of Hux was looking down at him.

Blinking rapidly brought Hux into focus and Kylo nuzzled his face into Hux's hand.

”There you are,” Hux laughed softly. He looked sleep ruffled, but very much awake.

Kylo pulled him down on top of his body, back into bed. Hux wasn't dressed yet, and Kylo greedily ran his hands over every inch of him.

”Ready to wake up?” Hux spoke softly, quietly.

Shaking his head, Kylo buried his face in Hux's neck, wrapping his arms around Hux's waist. Hux's laughter bounced off the walls, making Kylo smile.

Hux heaved a put upon sigh. ”We can't stay in bed all day, love.”

Kylo whined. ”I'm not asking for a whole day.” He pulled away from his hiding spot and looked up into Hux's face. He was smiling brightly, his skin impossibly pink against the stark white of the bedding. Kylo brushed his hair away from his face, letting the red strands get tangled between his fingers.

”Just a moment longer?”

Hux rolled his eyes playfully. ”If you must.” He spread his legs, straddling Kylo's waist easily.

Kylo easily manhandled his thin frame, moving him to his lap, where he wanted him most. Hux was soft and warm against him. Kylo looked on in wonder, as his hands easily spanned the width of Hux's thighs.

He tried to keep still, he really did. Hux made a soft sound when Kylo moved his hips enough to jostle him.

”Be good for me, love,” he whispered, bending down to speak against the shell of Kylo's ear.

Kylo gasped softly. ”'M sorry.”

Hux settled more heavily against Kylo's body, moving in his lap deliberately.

Fighting to stay still, Kylo cried, ”Hux, please. Please. I can't– Hux– Sir, I– ”

”My darling boy,” Hux whispered.

Kylo whined low in his throat. He held Hux's thighs in an iron grip, afraid of unseating him.

Hux moved unhurried, his hands cupping Kylo's face, then his throat, his chest, following the path of his hands with his lips. The scruff on his face made Kylo's skin break into goosebumps.

Kylo shuddered violently beneath him. ”Please,” he whimpered. ”Hux, please– ”

Hux trailed his fingertips down Kylo's torso, down, down, all the way down the front of his briefs.

And then his alarm started blaring.

Kylo woke with a start, hard and aching. The sheets were clinging to his legs like a second skin.

In his rush to turn off the alarm, he nearly tumbled to the floor, torso hanging heavily over the edge of the mattress.

The small, blindingly bright screen proclaimed he had recieved a new text message from Sir a few hours prior.

Hux had begun sending Kylo texts in the mornings. Hux rose early, taking care of chores, and preparations for his afternoon classes. Kylo worked afternoons and was typically asleep. Hux was aware of this, but insisted he didn't mind not recieving a reply until later.

It was barely more than pleasantries. No existential conversations at nighttime, no love confessions or deep, dark secrets; just silly observations and weird interactions they both had with other people.

”Fuck me,” Kylo muttered into his bedspread.

Lying there, halfway off his bed, he contemplated just humping the mattress and be done with it. The firm edge of the mattress was digging into his thigh, cutting off the bloodsupply. His leg was going numb.

Groaning loudly, Kylo rolled onto the floor and shook his leg to get the blood back into his leg.

Everytime he closed his eyes, Hux was still burned into the back of his eyelids. All that pale skin and dark smudges of ink, sprinkled with freckles.

Struggling into a sitting position, Kylo glared at his lap, where his cock hadn't quite gotten the memo that Hux wasn't around.

He huffed and got to his feet, dragging himself into the bathroom and into the shower. Kylo turned his face into the spray, holding his breath.

The weight of the water was pulling his hair down. It was getting too long; Kylo hadn't kept it that long since high school. The little tail he usually pulled it up into on top of his head had grown. It was long enough for a small bun now.

Cupping the back of his head, Kylo couldn't help but wonder – what would Hux think? Did Hux even like his hair?

Maybe he could text Hux and ask.

Bit of a weird thing to ask, though.

Kylo turned the knob on the shower, letting the water heat up further. The water stung his chest. He leaned back enough to get his face out of the spray.

He closed his eyes and trailed his hands down his body, finally allowing himself to touch.

Over breakfast, Kylo picked up his phone.

Kylo: do you think i should cut my hair

Hux: Pardon?

Kylo: my hair is getting long

Kylo: do you think i shoudl cut it

Hux: That depends – do you like it long?

Kylo: do you

Kylo: ?

Hux: I think your hair looks lovely, Kylo.

Well, that wasn't helpful at all. Neither was the blush Kylo was currently sporting. He put his phone away and ate his food in silence. Afterwards, he got dressed and mentally prepared himself for going to work.

–

In the early evening, Hux came by the bookstore. The sun was long gone and Kylo felt dead on his feet. He mustered a tired smile and greeted Hux, when he came to the register.

Hux was smiling.

Big.

It was unsettling.

Kylo unconsciously took a step back from the counter.

”Let me look at you,” Hux said, hands on his hips

”What?”

Hux held out his hand, urging Kylo closer. ”Let me see your hair.”

The store was closing up in an hour; hyperventilating right now would be very bad timing.

Kylo stepped back up to the counter, face burning.

Can one lose conciousness by blushing too hard? All that blood rushing to the head, surely it must be possible?

Hux hummed in thought. ”I think it looks wonderful – wouldn't you agree, Miss Pava?”

Kylo had never seen Jessika grin so big.

”I think you look very handsome, Kylo,” she said – and winked. The traitor.

In his rush to cover his face, Kylo forgot he was wearing his glasses and managed to jam them against the bridge of his nose. He hissed softly and pulled the frames off. ”Did you come all this way just to torment me?”

��That would not be out of character for me, but no.”

Kylo didn't doubt it for a second.

”I was on my way home and I was wondering if you would like to have dinner together? Order in, nothing fancy.”

Kylo looked at Hux, uncomprehending. ”Now?”

”After the store closes, yes. If you'd like?”

”I– I mean, yeah, that – yes.”

–

Living as close to work as he did, Kylo had never been more thankful for the fact, as he was in that moment. Hux being at the store with him was alright. What wasn't alright, was how Jess and Doph kept glancing at him knowingly. The last hour had been downright awful. He felt scrutinized and uncomfortable.

When he finally got to leave the store, with Hux in tow, Kylo felt jittery and unsettled.

They spoke during the walk to Kylo's apartment, but Kylo couldn't recall what about. He kept his bike in between them while they walked. Having with dinner with Hux was always nice, but also incredibly stressful. Especially after being under observation at the store.

Kylo held the door open for Hux, once they made it to his building. It was a small walk up with very few tenants.

Kylo's ears started ringing while he unlocked the door.

Once inside, Kylo suddenly felt ashamed when he saw Hux in his home. It was a small apartment. Kylo could afford bigger, but he'd chosen someplace small, so he could spend his money on other things (not that he did; it all went into his savings account). He'd imagined he might travel, at some point.

Kylo wasn't prone to panic attacks. More often than not, he had an anxious feeling in his body, but it rarely escalated.

Alas, once again, his body had perfect timing.

Kylo was vaguely aware that Hux was speaking to him, but he couldn't quite hear it. Everything was muffled, like his head was under water. Time seemed to speed up and slow down at the same time.

He came back to himself, eventually. It could've been minutes, it could've been hours.

Kylo was sitting in his desk chair.

He didn't remember sitting down.

His windows were open.

Hux was touching him. The neck of Kylo's work shirt was pulled down and Hux held his hand against his chest, over his racing heart.

It was oddly grounding.

Hux was kneeling before him, looking up at him with open concern in his eyes. ”Can you hear me?” Kylo guessed he'd been asking for a while.

Kylo closed his eyes. He curled both his hands around Hux's, pressing Hux's hand harder against his chest. ”I can hear you,” he breathed.

Hux exhaled loudly.

He wasn't wearing his coat. Kylo must've checked out for a while, if Hux had had the time to discard his coat and scarf. Kylo was still wearing his own. It was sticking to his back, drenched in sweat.

”Do you take medication?” Hux asked, voice brittle.

”No,” Kylo shook his head. ”This doesn't normally happen.”

Hux's hand felt clammy on his chest. Kylo couldn't tell which one of them the moisture was coming from.

”I'm okay.”

”Please, don't say that,” Hux sighed. ”You don't– You don't have to reassure me, Kylo, this isn't about me.”

Hux must've been uncomfortable, kneeling on the floor like that, nevertheless, Kylo couldn't make himself release Hux's hand.

”Is there anything I can do?”

God, he sounded so earnest.

”This is good,” Kylo said. He should move. He should do something. Anything.

”I would like to get you some water. Would that be okay?” The look on Kylo's face must've been bad, because he hastily added, ”I'll hold your hand again, just please, let me get you some water?”

Kylo loosened his grip enough for Hux to pull away.

In the time it took Hux to find a glass and fill it, Kylo peeled off his coat. The lining was sticking to his skin and the whole garment ended up inside out.

The glass Hux gave him was dripping, droplets running down both of their arms. Kylo forced himself to keep his focus on drinking instead of the armchair in the corner of the room, hidden underneath spare blankets and clothing. It was the only other seat in the room. Kylo felt like crying when Hux readily kneeled on the floor again.

”Not the floor, please, Hux– ”

Hux made an executive decision and grabbed the armrests on the desk chair. He pulled the chair – with Kylo still on it – across the room, so Hux could sit on the bed, yet still reach him. The bed was really too low for them to touch comfortably, but Hux wasn't deterred. He took Kylo's free hand and held it in both of his own.

”I don't have any experience with this, so if I do something wrong, tell me. I don't– It's alright if you can't talk, there's no rush. We're just gonna sit like this a minute and … and we'll take it from there.”

”I'm sorry,” Kylo whispered. His nose was starting to run, the tears would come soon enough.

”It's alright, I promise.” Hux offered him an honest to god cloth handkerchief, in exchange for the glass. ”I didn't realize it was this bad,” he murmered and placed the glass on the floor, while Kylo was being gross and snotty in his lovely handkerchief.

Kylo took a moment to get the majority of his bodily fluids under control, before he attempted to speak. ”It's not, usually. I just– You're the first person to be here other than my dad.”

”In your flat?”

Kylo nodded.

”I suppose you don't do very well with surprises,” Hux frowned. ”I did spring it on you rather last minute.”

Kylo squeezed his hand. ”I want you. I want you here, I really, really do – but it's such a mess,” he sniffled. It felt like his heart was shattering in his chest, when Hux looked at him so sadly.

”I don't care, love. Honest,” Hux said softly. ”Showing up out of the blue – I should've asked.”

Kylo blew his nose instead of apoligizing, like he wanted to.

Hux was fidgeting on the bed. ”Would it be alright if I touch you?”

”Yeah. Yes. Please.”

Ever so gently, Hux raised his hands and cupped Kylo's face. He brushed his thumbs across the tops of Kylo's cheeks, catching the moisture there. Their heights were all wrong, but Kylo was hunched over enough for the position to be possible.

”Has this happened before?”

”A few times. Not a lot.”

Hux made a soft, pained sound. ”What did you do before?”

”Call my dad, I think. It's been a really long time.”

”Would you like to call him now? I don't mind.”

How Hux continued to be the most reassuring and helpful person Kylo had ever met – even when dealing with a face full of snot and way out of his depth – was baffling.

”No, it's fine, I'm fine, this is fine,” Kylo said, but Hux was already pulling Kylo's jacket close (with his foot, so he didn't have to leave Kylo).

Hux fished the phone out of the pocket and thumbed his way through Kylo's contacts. Han was listed as Dad, so he'd easily find the right entry.

Hux paused for a moment, looking puzzled. ”Who's Sir?”

Then he recognized his own number.

”Oh.”

Kylo buried his face in his hands. ”I can explain that.”

Hux shook his head, silencing him. ”It doesn't matter. I'll go wait in the hallway and find a place that delivers. Something bland that won't upset your stomach. Talk to your da and come get me after, alright?” Hux phrased it like a question, but Kylo's phone was already ringing when he passed it to Kylo.

He cried again, when Han picked up.

But it helped, hearing his voice.

–

Kylo was exhausted when he went to get Hux from the hallway.

Hux was there in a heartbeat; before Kylo even had the time to call out for him.

”You alright?” Hux asked immediately.

”Better,” Kylo said and rubbed his eyes.

His sense of time was shot to hell at this point. Hux was holding a bag of food. He must've been on the phone for a lot longer than he'd thought; if Hux had the time to find a place and recieve the delivery.

”I really don't mind leaving,” Hux offered again.

Kylo was tired. Much too tired to even think about panic attacks. He slipped his hand into Hux's and pulled him back into the apartment. ”I'd like for you to stay.”

Hux agreed softly. He didn't fight it when Kylo crawled into bed, and tugged Hux along with him.

Kylo had closed the windows while speaking to Han. The sweat on his skin had turned tacky and cold. Shivers were running down his arms every few minutes. Hux wasn't one to let such a minute detail go unnoticed, and helped Kylo wrap himself in his duvet, without being asked.

There was no way Kylo had made himself deserve such care. If he'd had any amount of water left in his body, he would've cried again.

Once settled, Hux carefully opened the bag of food he'd procured, and pulled out forks and chopsticks.

”I got us fried rice, I hope that's okay. Can you use chopsticks?”

Hux handed him a box of rice. It had a nice smell, but subtle. Kylo took the chopsticks on offer. He'd spent a summer being dragged all over Southeast Asia by some of his extended family, while Han and Leia tried to figure out their differences. As a result, Kylo was well versed in various eating utensils (and how to swear in a handful of languages).

Hux opted for a fork.

They ate in silence for a while.

Kylo wanted to apoligize for Hux's wrinkled clothes. And for being clingy. And for Hux having to witness one of the most stupid panic attacks Kylo had experienced in recent memory. And –

”This is surprisingly good,” Hux muttered.

Kylo looked into his container. He'd ate maybe half the contents without registering what it actually tasted like.

”I wasn't quite sure what to expect,” Hux elaborated. ”Cheap Asian food; it's either amazing or absolutely dreadful. This is alright.”

He made a noncommittal sound.

Hux rested his box on his thigh. He looked at Kylo searchingly. ”How are you feeling?”

Kylo shrugged. ”Tired, I think. But also not – bad? I've been worse. But also better.”

Hux put his food on the floor, committing fully to the conversation. ”I'm sorry that me being here made you feel unsafe.” He looked thoughtful for a moment. ”Is that the right word? Unsafe?”

Kylo looked at him, eyes wide. ”I mean. I– That's part of it, yeah, but– I don't feel unsafe. With you.”

”Can you tell me what it is, then?”

”Uncertain.” Kylo frowned into his rice, then nodded to himself. ”Yeah, that's– Uncertain is better.”

Hux took the box from his hands, deposited it on the floor, and laced their fingers.

”What is uncertain to you?” he asked. He still looked breathtaking, even in the shitty lighting in Kylo's apartment.

”I'm afraid that … seeing me– Seeing this,” Kylo gestured to the mess around them, ”would make you change your mind. Or finally see what a goddamn mess this is. What a mess I am.”

”Kylo,” Hux breathed. His face had crumbled while Kylo was looking the other way. He looked heartbroken. ”Don't say that,” he whispered. ”How could you possibly think that?”

Swallowing thickly, Kylo touched Hux's slacks. ”You know what you look like, Hux. I've seen your place, your colleagues – I'm not like you. Not at all.”

”I don't want to date myself, Kylo! I don't know if you've noticed, but I don't like myself all that much.”

Kylo was certain he would've swallowed his own tongue, if it wasn't currently stuck to the roof of his mouth.

”I don't want anyone else, I want you.”

Flustered, Kylo said, ”But, my dad– You told my dad– ”

”I was playing hard to get!” Hux cried out. ”Clearly, I should've just confessed it all, right then and there,” he added, under his breath.

Was he crying again? His face felt wet.

Hux ran his hands through his hair, breathing deliberate and even. ”I want to take you out. On a date– A proper date. Dinner neither of us can afford, awkward conversation over food we would never eat if we were alone,  chaste unsatisfying kiss on the doorstep – all of that.”

Kylo had no idea what his face was doing, too shocked to control much of anything. ”Does it have to be chaste?” he thought out loud.

They gaped at each other for a long moment, before Hux laughed in disbelief.

”No, I guess you wouldn't want that; I'm saved in your phone as Sir, you kinky little shite.”

Kylo was blushing profusely and hid his face in his hands. ”It made sense at the time, okay!”

”Come here, you,” Hux said, and unwound Kylo from his cocoon. He wrapped his skinny arms tightly around Kylo's neck, and pulled him out to kiss him.

Kylo was startled, the kiss turned out awkward and rushed – and absolutely perfect.

Hux lips were greasy from the food, Kylo couldn't breathe properly through his nose, the duvet was stuck betweem them, Kylo's hair was definitely stuck in the button on Hux's shirt cuff.

It was the best kiss Kylo had ever had.

on to part 12

(also on ao3)

#human disaster kylo #kylux #modern setting