#i would never do this because it’s simply not like me but sometimes I think about how I could write like the most scathing letter about how | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

biolumien · 1 day

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hello!! I loved your rooftop smoke fic so much oh my goodness could I ask for literally anything hoshina I would love to read more of your works... It would make my day if hoshina fell first/if he was the one hopelessly in love but anything that is easier to write for you I would love to read

ALSO PLS FEEL FREE TO IGNORE THIS IF ITS NOT EXACTLY IT FOR U!!! TYSM IN ADVANCE

notes: bwahhhh omg… thank you for liking my first work… i havent written hoshina before… but uh. i hope this is good. same reader-insert from last time for this one too!

hoshina falls first (or tries not to, because to love is to be known)

soshiro hoshina x gn!reader i turned it into kind of a character study, forgive me word count: 1103

let’s get this right off the bat, to clear any misconceptions. hoshina’s not a romantic. he doesn’t fall for anyone first. he’s built up the demeanor of a sly, wily little fox not because he wanted to, but because he had to. tread lightly around others, and they will never know what lies in your heart, the insecurities that bubble and eat at you alive. never let them know how you feel, because as soon as your inherent, weak-willed intent is shown, you’ll be devoured alive.

well.

that’s what hoshina tells himself, anyway.

it’s what he has to remind himself of constantly when he sees you.

you’re not allowed, he reminds himself, to get under his skin. not in any mean way, not in the way where you play up his insecurities–except you do, don’t you? you don’t mean to, but he gets the impression that if he were conventionally stronger, more impressive, that he’d deserve your attention, the small smile that crosses your lips and lights up your eyes when you see him, the faint exhale of breath when you see him–he’d deserve that if he were better. if he were just simply better, he’d deserve it. he’d feel worthy of it.

hoshina’s not a romantic.

he signed up for a line of very dangerous, practically suicidal work knowing it might mean the death of him.

all to prove that he was worth something.

he’s not the ashes you throw away, he’s a brilliant ball of fire, can’t you see–but he needed to prove that he could shine alone, under his own merit. he didn’t need anyone, except he needed mina to get him into the third division anyway.

he didn’t need you, except he kept making excuses to get close to you, and not even in any particular suave way. hoshina practically pines for your affections and attention, but the key thing about it is that he refuses, in a way that’s either very cute or insanely frustrating, to make it seem like he’s making the first move. fleeting kisses he shared with you, he never properly initiated himself–he’d stand there, make a big show of leaving, and you’d pulled him by the collar to kiss him.

but at the very least you seem to be accommodating about it, in any case. you sometimes end up preparing him a cup of tea when you go on break, as if instinctually expecting him.

hoshina wonders if he’s pavlov’s dog in this case–drawn by you, trained to behave around you.

he doesn’t know how he feels about it.

“you keep coming here,” you say to him one day in the lab. at your desk is a wide variety of papers–notes on chemical formulas for bullets, the blueprints for one of mina’s new absurdly-large guns shoved haphazardly under a stack of notebooks, a coffee cup clasped between your hands, and you blow some of the fresh steam off. “i’m starting to think the captain’s going to find you slacking off.”

there’s a sardonic smile on your lips, but hoshina’s gotten better at reading you. you’re happy to see him–he can see it in the tiny way you fidget a little bit when he takes the spare coffee mug from your desk, finding it full of coffee already. does he feel his face softening, his drawn-up shoulders relaxing? no, surely not. he’s better than that. he won’t be influenced by you–and yet. and yet.

“you have a lock on your door if you don’t want to be disturbed,” hoshina says simply, taking a sip of the coffee. black with a single spoonful of sugar in it, because as much as it was impressive to drink your coffee purely black, hoshina quite frankly couldn’t take it. and he’d built as much a complex around that, too, as if a simple coffee preference might define how worthy he is of love. respect. the works. he watches you, sees dark under-eyes from days of restless work and the writer’s bump on your middle finger, and feels his heart squeeze.

god, he hates it. does he? does he hate it? is he insecure about that? does he hate that he doesn’t hate it? does he hate that by pining for you, by forcing his way into your life, that he’s created the rumblings of his own downfall? no. the worst part of it all is that he can’t hate you. can’t hate the way you watch him, and he wonders if you’re watching him the same way he observes you–like a prey animal, almost, twitchy and nervous, in an attempt to grasp at feeble understanding.

“if you keep coming back here, i’m going to assume you’re in love with me,” you say.

and you have no idea what those words do to him, really. you don’t know, because hoshina has learned to obscure most of his emotions, at the very least.

so why does his face feel so hot?

“hm.”

he can’t even come up with a proper retort. you’re staring at him expectantly, as if waiting for the classic hoshina quip–a cackle or giggle, a casual slap on the table with a you wish! attached to it. but it doesn’t come. hoshina stands there, gagged for a moment–and suddenly his grip on his coffee cup feels a little weak.

“hoshina.”

he wishes the smile on your lips didn’t trigger some gut instinct of delight in him.

he’s better than this, damn it. he’s better than this.

your smile quirks up the corners of your cheeks, and there’s something like a shy flush across your skin. and–

“i wish i could take a picture of your face right now,” you say. “you look like you’re coming down with something.”

hoshina scoffs, the sound a little more high-pitched than he’d like for it to be.

“you wish,” he says.

“so are you?” you press. “in love with me?”

hoshina stares at you–there’s a sudden tightness in your shoulders that wasn’t there before–you’re worried about his answer. and despite it all–his bravado, his hatred of the mere idea that he might rely on someone else–that he would ever need someone to know his heart, that he might be cowed and tamed like a dog–

he loves you.

he doesn’t want you to be worried about the surety of his answer.

“yeah,” he says. “i love you.” and when that sudden tightness in your body language disappears, he finally finds the strength to quip, “just don’t faint over me, alright?”

and when you reach out to hit his shoulder, he grasps you by the wrist and pulls you in to kiss you.

#kaiju no 8 #soshiro hoshina #soshiro hoshina x reader #hoshina soshiro x reader #kaiju no 8 x reader #x reader #kn8 x reader #all the men i like i write them all the same. who else is there? haha. that's a secret surprise im saving for later

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spence-whore · 2 days

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Movie Night

Spencer Agnew x Reader

Request: what request are you the most excited to write? also what would spencer be like during a movie night? I’m just curious

A/N a couple of things before we get to this imagine! One, I’m not sure if you wanted this as an imagine but I thought this would be cute as one, so I’m writing it. Secondly, I’ve been really excited to write all of these tbh. I feel like the ones I have been really excited about though are the ones being inspired by certain songs. I have gotten a few requests for song based ones and it’s just been exciting because it’s been music I love and even some I have never heard of before. So, it’s been a challenge trying to think of my own way to interpret it to Spencer and an imagine! Last thing, this is pretty short but i hope it’s still good.

You and Spencer have known each other since you were in middle school. You were childhood best friends, which eventually turned into high school sweethearts. You moved with Spencer to California, which led to you getting a job with mythical and him working for Smosh. It was like the best of both worlds. The two of you don’t get a lot of time together compared to what you used to get. So, the two of you do movie nights every Wednesday night. You cook some type of food and get a bunch of snacks and sweets. You pile it all together on the living room table. While you’re doing this, Spencer makes a pillow fort on the couch and gets everything set up. Sometimes he will come into the kitchen to attempt to annoy you but he just gets roped into helping you fix something.

Tonight was movie night and the two of you decided on the classic, Napoleon Dynamite, for tonight.

“Spencahhhh” You shout in a fake Italian accent from the kitchen, “Can you come here for a second, my love?”

“If you’re just gonna pull me in here to make me help you make some sticky dessert again, I will actually cry.” Spencer says walking into the kitchen and laughing. “Listen, you remember what happened last time. I had to shower before we got to even start the movie.”

“Oh, whine about it why don’t you.” You say sarcastically, shooting Spencer a glare. “It wasn’t my fault anyways. I was literally just icing cupcakes and you thought it would be funny to smear icing on my face. So, I simply got you back. It was your fault. I just got lonely and didn’t want to be in here alone.”

“Y/N, I was literally like a few steps from you.” Spencer says laughing really loudly. “But hi, I’m sorry I left you all alone. I will stay in here. I’m finished up in there anyways.”

“I’m just putting these cookies on this sheet. Once the pizza is out, I’m going to stick them in there.” You explained, nodding your head towards the oven. “We can just start the movie and eat the pizza til the cookies are done then I’ll grab them.”

The two of you seriously like to go all out with unhealthy foods this night since you try to eat decently healthy every other day of the week. As you finished putting the last of the cookie dough on the sheet, the oven went off and Spencer stood up to grab it for you.

“Please remember to grab the oven mitt this time. We really don’t need a rerun of you burning the shit out of your hand then having to cancel movie night.” You quickly said with a smile on your face.

“Good lord, you’re never going to let that down, are you?” Spencer muttered while sliding on an oven mitt to grab the two small pizzas. “Are you sure you’re always up to doing all of this cooking and baking? I feel like today is really the only free day we get together. We could just always order food from somewheres and go pick up snacks and desserts from the store.” He rambles while walking over to the table to place the pizzas on it.

You shrug your shoulders, keeping your back to Spencer while you walk over to the oven and pop the cookies in. “I always just feel better knowing that everything is home made. I ate fast food so much as a young adult in college.” You turned around to face him. “I made a promise to myself that whenever I got out of college, no matter what, I would make the time to cook something to eat for myself; even if it is something small. Plus, I always like incorporating things you like or haven’t tried yet in the mix. I always like surprising you. You always praise it, so it gives me that drive to want to do it more.”

Spencer just stared at you with a love struck look on his face then walked up to you and yanked you into a hug. “I wasn’t complaining about it and I hope you know that. I mean god, I’m beyond thankful for a partner that loves to cook like this. If we’re being honest? I would probably live off of fast food all throughout the week if it wasn’t for you.” He whispered into your hair then kissed the top of your head.

You just laughed really loudly into his chest, “I’m going to be honest with you, that’s another one of the reasons I do it. Fast food makes anyone feel icky and weak. I like knowing that you can get a good meal and actually feel good throughout the day. I guess it’s like my love language.”

Spencer pulled back from the hug and placed his hands on both sides of your face for a minute just looking at you. “I love you so much and I hope you never forget that.” He gave you a quick peck then nodded towards the kitchen table. “I’ll grab the plates if you cut the pizzas?”

You nodded then grab his face really quickly before he could walk away to give him another kiss. “I love you too goofy ass.”

You walked over to the cabinet and grabbed a pizza cutter while Spencer grabbed two plates and walked over to place them on the table while you were cutting the pizzas.

“Oh wait,” You said just remembering. “You’re gonna love me even more. I went and bought more Mountain Dew Kickstarts because I realized you were almost out. I also bought two single ones, one of you and one for me, tonight.” You say with a soft smile on your face.

Spencer aggressively kissed you on the cheek then walked over to the fridge to grab the drinks. “You ready to watch the absolute masterpiece that is Napoleon Dynamite?”

“Spencer, this is like the seventh time we have watched this movie this year and it is May. You would think at this point, I would be tired of it. I’m so excited to watch it.”

Spencer chuckled at you and shook his head, “You’re a dork. I’m taking these drinks into the living room now. Do you need help carrying anything?” He asked turning to look at you.

“Nope, I got it all here bub. Just grab my phone because I set on a timer on it for the cookies.”

You carried the two plates into the living room and could’ve just cried walking in there. Spencer always goes all out with the pillow forts. It looked so big and so comfortable. He always had laid out so many different candies and popcorn in two huge bowls on the living room table. You placed the two plates of pizza on the table and realized he had also went and bought you new flowers to put in your vase, to replace the ones that were starting to wilt.

Spencer looks at you with the most serious look on his face then in Napoleon’s voice says, “Gosh, can we start the movie already?”

#spencer agnew x reader #smosh x reader #spencer agnew fluff #spencer agnew imagines

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lorei-writes · 16 hours

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You seem genuinely nice in your curiosity, so I thought I'd share my thoughts. Maybe this is not the right approach to how to go about interacting on tumblr, but if I notice that there's a blog that I've interacted with somewhat frequently (whether it be liking/reblogging their posts, sending requests when requests are open, etc) and then I notice that interaction is one-sided (either they don't follow me back, they never ever like or reblog my posts and I see them interacting with many others in fandom so I know they are active), I dunno, but I get the feeling they don't like me or my posts, maybe I post too many spoilers, maybe I flood the tags and my posts are annoying or some other third unknown option - and then it snowballs and I worry I'm annoying others with my comments or reblogs or whatever. And I slow my interaction with others out of fear of not being liked or just plain shyness. And sometimes I have unfollowed them. Because, again, I dunno, but I feel like if they don't want to interact with me, perhaps I should not interact with them? When those posts come across my feed because reblogged by a mutual, I will sometimes read/look at if a suitor I like, but when I see who the op is, I become hesitant with interacting, and end up not interacting at all.

I know, devil's advocate - what if this blogger who didn't interact with me has never seen my blog or any of my posts. That might fly in Genshin or HSR fandoms, but not Ikemen. I think by now most everyone knows each other around here (at least those who have been posting for a while and post regularly/frequently). And I'm not the only one who has experienced this...

Thank you for listening to my rambling.

Thank you for sharing your experience!

Hmm... I must admit, Anon, what you've said has left me somewhat conflicted. I can agree that reaching out to a person repeatedly and the effort not being reciprocated can be disheartening. I do think that in this situation it is reasonable to adjust either your expectations ("I know they may not say anything back, but I did enjoy their work regardless, so I will share it." // no expectations of friendship, interacting with posts for the sake of posts alone) or the amount you give out ("I want to have some relationship with this person and they do not reciprocate, therefore I will decrease the amount of effort I put into this." // expectations of friendship, interactions as means of building relationships).

I can tell you that I do not know of a blogger who hasn't appreciated familiar faces in their notification. (Which isn't to devalue your experience. Maybe you met an outlier, maybe this person simply couldn't show it due to their personal circumstances, maybe they thought they showed it and a mismatch in terms of expectations occurred). I can tell you they shouldn't be taken for granted. But I also can tell you that, in some cases, which I do not know whether they are relevant to you, it is simply impossible to give back to everybody.

My experience is what I know best, so allow me to use that as an example. There's over a thousand people following this blog. I do not know all of you. More than this, I do not know all of the creators in the Ikemen Fandom. When I was primarily into Sen, I had no idea who was creating for Pri and was rather surprised to find out that some of those people were considered "big", as I went entirely without ever seeing their names. Even now that I have been invested into Pri for a year, I still find people I have never heard about before... And I still meet people who have no clue who I am or what I do. Likewise, Villains is a fog for me... As I would suspect the "old fandom" may be for you. So, I don't agree with the "most everyone knows each other around here (at least those who have been posting for a while and post regularly/frequently)" statement.

That aside, sometimes it is unfortunate, but it is simply impossible to give back to everybody. And it does suck. Just, hm... I suppose I'd like you to see me now, as it's something I've been struggling with and had to make my peace about? There is only one me. If "just" a hundred of people appear at any given time, or "just" fifty, it is still more than I can reasonably handle. My friendships with people who moved fandoms haven't dissolved and there are only so many relationships I can support. Reliably replying to everything here? I try. But I know I generally can't give back as much as I've received, or at least not in a personal enough manner. It is just too much for a single me. Due to my health issues I am chronically online -- what about people who have more robust offline lives?

Again, I do not know whether that is relevant for your case. It is only that I think it isn't you, as in it isn't about you being a certain way. The situation may just be a result of those mundane circumstances surrounding us. For me personally, a lot of luck is required to expand my circles in a meaningful manner. Of course, it still does suck in the end! Just maybe in a slightly different flavour.

Thank you for listening to my rambles and best of luck <3

#answered #Anonymous

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zvtara-was-never-canon · 2 days

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i genuinely think that "zuko goes to ozai for advice" could be an amazing plot beat if they showed it as a self-destructive behavior that zuko clearly regrets it later because he sees that he was simply regressing by doing so. when i first heard that this was a plot point in the comics i thought it was so interesting, to see zuko so isolated he would cave to such a clearly diegetically bad decision! but that was not the way they chose to depict it and that really upset me

The Yang comics really are peak "This could have been a good writting choice if only you had not decided to go about it in the stupidest way imaginable."

Like, take the Azula plot. Azula being too paranoid and set in her ways to understand that Zuko is trying to help her out and bond, and thus lashing out against him and remaining evil, WOULD be an interesting, tragic, compelling arc, and it makes sense considering her breakdown is all about her not trusting even her own shadow.

THE PROBLEM is that this doesn't work when we see Zuko literally had her commited to an asylum where she's clearly being abused, something Yang himself confirmed. It's not "paranoia" or "being too set in her ways" that is making Azula reject Zuko's kindness - that kindness IS fake, it IS a manipulative tactic to make her let her guard down.

Same for "Ursa is a good mom who just made some mistakes." She wrote a letter with the false claim that Zuko was someone else's kid, just to spite Ozai, even though SHE KNOWS the guy is violent and abusive and already didn't like Zuko. The last thing she ever said to Zuko was "never forget who you are" yet she willingly forgot him and Azula. She says she's sorry for not loving Azula enough, yet she only mentions her ONCE after the whole thing even though Azula is missing while in the middle of very clear mental health crisis. This version of Ursa is clearly a terrible mom and a terrible person, but her backstory is sad so it gets ignored.

What Yang thinks he wrote very rarely matches his actual writting, to the point that I sometimes go "He HAS to be doing it on purpose, there's no way"

#atla comics #the comics suck #zuko deserved better #ursa deserved better #azula deserved better

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thursdayinspace · 1 day

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Tell me all your Requiem thoughts please

All of them would amount to quite an essay because I have a lot of (mostly positive) feelings about it, but I assume this is about my tags saying I have conflicting feelings about the scene in that motel room bed where Mulder tells Scully that there has to be an end and that she should go home. So I will happily talk about that!

I want to preface this by saying that I absolutely love their dynamic throughout the episode. And I love that moment when she comes to him feeling sick and he lays down on the bed with her and holds her and tells her there's more for her, that he wants her to have more. He wants her to be happy. There is so much love between them there, and it's so strong and so gentle at the same time, it's one of the most moving and beautiful moments between them without a doubt and I love it and it never fails to make me cry.

But. I still have very ambivalent feelings about the whole arc with Scully wanting to be a mother. NOT with the motel room scene (I love that one), but specifically with the arc. These feelings have nothing to do with the show or the characters specifically, and it's not an issue I had with it when it aired, but rather something that's only begun bothering me recently. I just sometimes wish that they hadn't introduced it at all, or done it better. For the simple reason that not all women want to be mothers, or they decide against it for other reasons -- like feeling passionate about their work and making that their priority, which is a perfectly valid reason to decide against something you might want very badly otherwise. And sometimes it doesn't sit quite right with me, especially in light of CC's general take on women, that eventually Scully simply has to want to have a child. I may be wrong about this and this might be the most unpopular opinion ever, and that's fine, but it reads to me a bit like "she must want this because she is a woman and women want kids."

The way it's written, it makes absolute sense for Mulder to tell her that there has to be an end, that he wants her to have everything she wishes for. I just sometimes wish for a version of events where we had seen her more conflicted about it. Where she could have made it clear in the moment that if it came to a choice between that dream and their mission, she'd choose to continue their work, with him. I also wish for a version of events where Mulder could have admitted that having a family is his dream as much as it is hers, because why does it have to be the woman who wants a family while the man wants to keep saving the world? (Just as a personal aside, I have friends who are right now getting divorced because he wants kids and she doesn't. It just rubs me the wrong way sometimes when the wish for a family is the woman's job.)

BUT! I know that Mulder and Scully are not in the same place emotionally about their work. Mulder has been committed to it pretty much his entire life. It's never been just a job for him. It always has to come first, and whatever dreams he may also have, he cannot give up the quest for the truth. Scully believes in the work too, it's important to her, she has suffered so much because of it and never stopped going. That says everything we need to know about how important it is to her. She doesn't want to give it up. It's been more than a job for her too for a long time. Her wish for a child is never about not being committed to what they do. And I think it becomes clear enough over time that Mulder does indeed want the same things she does, it's just more between the lines, less obvious. I do believe that under different circumstances, they would have decided to have a family together -- we see more to that effect later on in season 8 and at the end of season 9, not to mention in the revival. Which is why my issues with all of it are more about the way the story is handled, and less about it existing in the first place.

One more But: I do like the fact that a woman who loves her work and is fully committed to it can still want to be a mother. Both things can be true. And that can lead to great personal conflict. And that is a very interesting thing to explore. I just also feel like that is exactly what they didn't do. They sort of just stop at "she wants this one thing and also this other thing." She wants to keep fighting and searching for truths and she wants a kid, but what that would mean for her future is something that is never really properly addressed. It's never properly addressed what it does to her feelings, being torn between two things that mean so much to her. But that would have been really interesting to see. What does she actually want? What is going on in her heart and her soul?

Still, that scene, Requiem as a whole, is still very well done, in my opinion. Within the context of the story they're telling, that scene with them curled up in bed together is beautiful. It's as close to a declaration of love as we get at that point. And he's talking about her health as much as about her wish for a child. He's telling her that her happiness and safety is more important to him than anything else in the world. Her reaction is to hold onto his hand and touch her lips to it -- she doesn't want to go. He means as much to her as she means to him. His happiness and safety come first for her too. And I think they both know in that moment that she would never do what he's suggesting. I don't think she'd ever leave and let him continue on his own. He says "There's so much more you need to do with your life. There's so much more than this." But what is "more?"

Long story short: I love the scene in the motel room. I love the love between them and the tenderness of that moment. But I wish CC had been better at writing women, and had taken more time throughout all the episodes that address this to flesh out that part of the story, both for Scully and for Mulder.

Please, feel absolutely free to disagree with me, I never mind discussing these things or even being convinced otherwise. This is just my take on it.

#thank you for the ask!#this got pretty long #I have a lot of feelings about it lol #this is most likely an unpopular opinion #and I'm not sure about any of it #but on my last rewatch those were my general feelings on it

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suratan-zir · 1 day

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Random story time

I was 17, the year was 2013. I had just gotten a new t-shirt that I really liked, which was a big deal because I very rarely buy new clothes, let alone something I like. It was a white shirt with a large black cross on the front. This kind of style was popular at the time. Looked like this:

I quickly came to realize that the shirt was cursed. It was a magnet for creeps. Every time I wore it, I got harassed on the streets. Every trip to my uni and back in this shirt felt like a dangerous journey. Some random, sometimes drunk, men would point their hands and scream at me across the street because I somehow offended god. Of course they didn't care about god and I was just an easy victim for bullying. And why is it that you can wear jewelry with crosses, but you can't have two black lines crossed on your t-shirt? Where do we draw the line?

Anyway, I would usually try to ignore them or say something like "fuck off" if they couldn't be ignored. It was scary, but I didn't want to give up and simply not wear it anymore because of some crazy people.

One evening, I was walking my dog. It was an empty alley, surrounded by trees, with no one else except me, my dog, and an elderly man approaching us. As he walked closer, he started pointing his cane at me and opened his mouth to try to say something. I realized that he was probably offended by my shirt. So I tried to explain myself, because I didn't want to upset an older gentleman, but I also didn't want to be lectured.

"I know what you're thinking," I said, "it's not a religious symbol, it's not even an orthodox cross, it's just two lines, it doesn't mean anything. I don't try to disrespect any religion." As I quickly babbled all of that, he smiled pensively, nodded, and listened to me. When I stopped, he said, "Yes, yes... now better take off this shirt and show me your boobs."

I felt like such a fool. I never wore that t-shirt again.

The end of a random story.

#personal #random story time #<- I guess this will be a new tag

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ruffgem · 4 months

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one of my roommates just told me they read my comic… holy shit good thing I didn’t make it a thinly veiled story about how much I hate my roommates like I almost did

#I really did not think either of them would ever read it that’s crazy #ok but tbh #Nelly living in the garage while Brutalia lives in a whole ass house is actually lowkey an exaggeration of my life LOL #I literally live in my room because my roommate moved her BF in and they take over the entire apartment while I am sequestered in my room #LOL #i would never do this because it’s simply not like me but sometimes I think about how I could write like the most scathing letter about how #they were the shittiest roommates ever and leave it for them when I go home…#but I won’t because that’s petty #but I could. it would be so beautiful #I won’t though… it will be satisfying enough to delete their numbers when I’m out of this city for good #I JUST HAVE TO SURVIVE UNTIL MAY (graduation)#if anyone’s ever wondering why I’m so annoying all of the time but ESPECIALLY when I go back to college this is why ok it’s because I live #in One Room #I’ve sat on my couch 4 times in the three years I’ve lived here #I become 800 times more normal every time I go home because I’m able to exist in multiple rooms without third-wheeling two fuckheads #GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! no it’s okay.

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yay-depression · 2 years

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the repressed neurodivergent experience of thinking “no one will ever love me with all of my neurodivergency the way i love them with their neurotypical-ness.”

#me my whole life: got made fun of for exhibiting ND traits among other stuff #me in middle school: well if i simply pretend i am neurotypical people will stop disliking me for being ND #spoiler alert: i was not very good at faking neurotypical-ness #me now: very very good at faking being neurotypical to the point that i am perceived as having very few distinguishable traits #my family my entire life: you are weird (aka neurodivergent) stop being weird #my family my entire life: if i simply do the thing that my child hates maybe they will grow out of hating it #another spoiler alert: no the FUCK i did not #tldr my entire life i’ve essentially suppressed most of myself to make the people i love comfortable bc that’s what they wanted from me #and in response they routinely ignore some of my most important boundaries and still try to act like they’re helping me #my therapist keeps telling me that one day i’ll get a family even if it’s found family #because sometimes found family is the best kind of family #but no one i’ve met is willing to actually put up with who i am as a person and not abandon me #every non-familial person in my life anytime i’ve shared deeply personal things with them: nope no thank you goodbye #and the deeply personal things were always just like ‘i’m actually pretty insecure in friendships and i feel deeply lonely’#it wasn’t even traumadumping bc they always seemed fine with that!! bonding over shared trauma was like a group activity #and then anytime i was like ‘hey could i maybe get some validate that y’all don’t hate me?’ everyone would be like #no. why would you need that we never said we hated you stop being over dramatic #my dad pulled that last one all the time!! except he added the ‘how could you even think i hate you when i’ve been nothing but good to you!’#come to think of it my friends did a lot of that too actually #anyways i have a core belief that i’m actually just unloveable and people just tolerate me and it’s been confirmed repeatedly

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the-acid-pear · 10 months

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Seeing your own trans body and identity as your masterpiece is so important

#luly talks #watching a video allow me to ramble #almost feel like a ringmaster walking in on stage like ladies and gentlemen what you are about to see is something you have never seen befo #when you think about it its not surprising at all that theres such an overlap with autism and queerness #gender is such a thing we are forced to learn and stick to and sometimes we arent even directly taught it usually you just have to go figur #like many social things it is treated as a survival of the fittest a lot of the time #reminds me of my experiences growing up and my insistance of not being a boy or a girl but simply luly #speaking of me. there's something about me that is so strong like. my inability to ever separate the me from myself #no matter where i go or what my body does theres a lingering feeling of the me floating there #this is stepping away from gender and more into dissociation but it would be foolish to ignore the overlap between those two #after all one of the times i was having this. mental breakdown inducing dissociative episode i shared with an aquitance they were like #oh so you are genderfluid. and i was like yeah i guess #there's such an ambiguous sense of the self #HOLY ALMOST LMAO #anyway um. like back to the gender tho #saw this manga panel of this nonbinary beauty as the youtuber called where they say they gave up on being a man but dont claim to be a woma #and it makes me think of myself because i did do that in a way too didnt i?#i gave up on being a woman. but i partly claim to be a man?#but not all the way. not at all.#i've thought about me being a trans man and i am not. i am more than a man #i dont reject womanhood either #i still carry it with me. i once was a little girl.#lately ive been thinking about identity #and i really think that the worst one can do is forget their past because when you do that there's nothing left for you #honestly applies to identities in general such as the idenitty of a nation too #its important to remember how you got here because that is who you are #if you forget your mistakes you are doomed to repeat them again and again #of course. this is an issue for people like me. bc i deal with certain dissociative and general memory issues #lately i've been gaining more memories i thought lost tho. little things. faces of friends of teachers #popping up in my dreams clear as photographs

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gideonisms · 2 years

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my fear of roaches is so severe now....yes I CAN grab them with a paper towel and throw them outside without breaking a sweat and yes I AM the bug catcher in most of my living situations but I'm dying inside and if a hot girl WANTED to fall in love with me and catch them for me from now on I would Not say no

#:/#my heart rate is still coming down. i'm at my aunt's so i don't have my tent so i'm just 🤢🤢😱💀#everyone else thinks i should squish them but the sound ...no. urhghgghhhh #well and also i have a thing about unsavory awful disgusting forms of life and how you know. we are all that to someone or something and #who am i really to kill things unnecessarily for walking in the wrong place #sometimes you have to like at my apartment it had to be a battle ground bc it was them or me but u know.#off the point off the point #i have to leave this state this country this universe this galaxy. goodbye #i simply cannot be here under these conditions (saw scary bug)!!! and i'm not happy!!!#also having weird feelings abt time with my family that i chose like it wasn't mandatory for me to be here and i did want to hang out #but i'm just feeling distant & off bc i'm so different than them ig? and my beliefs clash so much and it feels bad not to say anything #but i just can't think of anything to say that would be constructive sometimes #so it's like they'll make comments i don't love but that are kind of on the edge where it's like. how do i adress this it's just a joke or #like sometimes it's not but it's something so deeply tied to their whole belief system that like idek where to start bc #i don't really want them to change their religion etc. that's something they want for me and it sucks so i'd never expect that from others #because it sucks!#but yeah when i spend time away from them it's kinda like wow y'all are the people i love and i'm not sure how i feel about that #anyway. hm. getting weird after 2 am perhaps it's time to admit defeat petition whatever deity controls roaches for some peace & go to sleep

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scholarschism · 2 years

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it’s self-pity posting hours in the tags pls feel free to look away

#uuuuggghhhhhh groans of angst #so I’m supposed to go to a going away thing for a coworker/college friend who I did a program with #for all my usual reasons (bad at people and leaving the house) I kind of don’t want to go #BUT ALSO I’m never invited to things in part because I simply do not go to them so. I should go #I don’t want to have to explain to people that i haven’t been doing anything the past couple years except barely holding it all together #sometimes that’s a part of life and I don’t think people should be judged for Going Thru It but I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t embarrassed #about feeling like kind of a wreck #cause who hasn’t been going thru it lately. and my life isn’t even bad. I just… idk. feelings and brain stuff I guess #and I don’t want to pick an outfit and think about being Percieved #on this the day of butch appreciation you’d think I’d be more like. excited about inhabiting the body I have #unfortunately i neither feel butch enough to take pleasure in that identity nor am/do I want to be anything else #it’s weird. my body has always been Wrong for Womanhood. (fat without the right curves and too much hair in the wrong places etc) but…#I also still can’t reach attractiveness in a gnc way. or at least not in a way I can see. probably for psychological reasons.#so I don’t wanna be/can’t really be a ‘regular girl’ but it feels like I’m missing the positive qualities that would make me butch #wow I’ve really composed an essay of self pity here on this day. yikes!!#anyway sorry if anyone read this far #is this the right place to process this? eh. have I managed to handle it on my other outlets? no clearly.#well. whatever. maybe exorcising this to the Internet realm will release it from me a little

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featherymainffins · 1 month

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Sometimes I think I must be a weird author because everyone keeps making "haha writing the middle part of the story is so hard haha the start and the ending are so easy baba" jokes but I never know how a story will end.

I start and then I write the middle, and then a logical conclusion happens.

#idk it's just so weird to me.#like how would i know how it ends when i don't know what these characters go through. i sometimes have like 10 vague ideas #for how it could potentially end but i never know and i never write the ending before the rest #maybe it's because when i write I'm usually sorting something out through it? so logically I can't know the ending because #I don't know the answer to my problems. im trying to find that. sometimes I don't find it #my first 'book' was written when i was just 8 so obviously it sucked and it was too simple but I'm using it as an example because #back then i struggled with abusive parents and peers who sexually harassed each other and the environment was full of bullying #to the point of some kids bashing another kid's head in #and the book reflected that. i felt confused and didn't understand. it was like my father was two different people #and all the adults encouraged that line of thinking. they kept saying that my father is a good person who loves me and that #only bad people do bad things. that family is always good. i liked my friends. i had good memories of times with them.#they were also cruel children who would relentlessly harass and bully anyone who was poorer than them or uglier or smarter or #who simply didn't agree with them. everyone seemed to want me to view people as either good or bad.#i was trying to think about it in the book. and you know I arrived at the conclusion that there are no such things at all #i realised that people are just people. that unfortunately the father who was nice to me was the same one who beat my mother and #yelled slurs at us. the people who were mean to me and others and who spread lies and convinced boys to beat people up for them #were also the people who were my friends. i found that everyone was capable of everything and that it's all just socialisation #the book ended in a way that reflected this.#this is the way i write most of my longer stuff. there is a question. there is a problem. i try to find an answer to it #sometimes there isn't an answer. sometimes there is. but the course of the story will reflect it either way

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andivmg · 3 months

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My experience with Luke (Punz)

CW: toxic relationship, racism, dubious consent

I know in the past i said that i would no longer speak about him publicly, and when talking about my experiences with abuse and emotional mistreatment i begged to keep it anonymous but after reflecting on this for a week and seeing so many incredibly smart and strong women tell their stories. they have given me the strength to say his name.

this is really scary to talk about because of the copious levels of harassment i have received from his fans in the past so if this spreads or gets out of hand i will simply log off.

If you read my last post, i nicknamed him 1.

So aside from everything i said there, there were a lot of things i didn’t include because they would’ve made it obvious that it was him and it could potentially backfire on me so, i’m very afraid to post this. but i’m going to do it scared anyway, because it’s not fair that he gets to just go and live his life worry-free as if he didn’t practically ruin mine.

Because I already made a very lengthy post about him, i won’t include everything i said last time to avoid being redundant but if i repeat myself, please bear with me.

In our year long relationship i had to endure emotional neglect, gaslighting, verbal abuse, one instance where there was dubious consent, and much more.

Starting off at the beginning of our relationship, that’s when i was getting copious amounts of hate and harassment from his fan base (warranted or not), he decided that our relationship must be kept private. he said it was to “protect” me from his fanbase when in reality it was to protect himself. it was so he wouldn’t get all the backlash i was getting. this is funny because one of the things i got called out for was saying the B slur (derogatory term used against mexicans/latinos). I won’t get into the nuances of if i could say it or not as a puertorican because that’s discourse that does not pertain to this specific situation. But you know who definitely can’t say it? A white boy from Massachusetts. When i was getting cancelled for this and getting thousands of tweets calling me names, he decided that was the perfect time to say “I mean you are a b***** aren’t you? my little b*****.” Now, he said this completely unprompted. I was in the process of writing my apology and he just said that. I tell you this because i immediately shut him down and told him that there was no universe in which it was okay for him to say that word and especially not one where he could just call me that. While i was reprimanding him, he was smiling and laughing. he apparently found it amusing to call me a slur. regardless, he gave me a half-assed apology and said he wouldn’t do it again. and he didn’t. but this wasn’t the only time he was weirdly racist to me. this was my first time being in an interracial relationship so i was led to believe that this was normal by all the white people around me at the time. But, sometimes my spanish accent would come out and he would make fun of me and the way i pronounced some words. He also refused to visit me in Puerto Rico when i lived there or come meet my family when i really wanted him to because he “didn’t like the heat” or “it’s dangerous there isn’t it?”. Once, while we were watching season 2 of Bridgerton, he implied that the Sharma sisters were “too dark” for him to be attracted to them. This hurt me because they are brown skinned girls. I am a brown skinned girl. Then this, combined with the fact that he told me once he wasn’t attracted to me made me feel like my skin color was unattractive. These are only a few examples i can think of at the moment, but i’m sure there were more. Our relationship ended in 2022 so some of my memory is a bit hazy. But, I do remember feeling inferior to him throughout the relationship because he was white and I was not. I chalk that up to all the micro aggressions i had to deal with because i had never felt that way around white people before.

Another thing i had to endure was him constantly making me feel like he was embarrassed to be with me. Because i was cancelled, he didn’t want to associate with me too much. He did defend me on multiple occasions, I’ll give him that. But, he only did it because his name was getting dragged in the mud along with mine. Excusing my actions made him look better for being around me. In reality he didn’t really care. Because he was such a big content creator and someone i looked up to professionally, I took his advice as law. He told me to tone down my personality, to keep a low profile, to change things about myself to be more palatable to his audience. The same audience that spoke about me like “The pussy can’t be that good punz please stop defending her”. So i changed a lot of things about myself and my content to better suit what his audience liked. He made me feel like if his audience liked me, he would be public about our relationship and stop hiding it. He told me the reason why he wanted to keep our relationship a secret was because he didn’t want to get hate for it. But this wasn’t true. On my 20th birthday he went to Las Vegas for a twitch rivals event. That night i asked to facetime him to say goodnight and he refused because he was at a hotel room with his friends and he didn’t want them to know that we were together. It was as if my mere presence or the utterance of my name was a source of embarrassment for him. And he didn’t let me forget it. It wasn’t just a public thing at that point. He didn’t want people to know we were together, period. This was devastating to me because I would talk to all my friends about him. I was so proud to be with him and I was just one more problem to him. He made me feel so small and insignificant just because his fans didn’t like me.

He would berate me a lot. Not just due to getting heat online, although he did do that a lot. But in general whenever we would get into an argument or a disagreement he would always call me names like annoying or weird or stupid. He would raise his voice at me if i did something he didn’t like and call me an idiot. And that really hurt, i felt like i couldn’t bring up anything or do anything without getting insulted. If I hadn’t seen him in a few days because he was too busy streaming and i asked to hang out he would call me needy, clingy, and annoying. Granted, he might not have been wrong, but that is not something you say to someone you claim to love. He also insulted me when i was in depressive episodes. I have BPD and at the time i was not being treated properly for it. So, I was all over the place emotionally and he was what i clung to for validation, reassurance, and love. I talked to him when we first started dating about my disorder and told him that if it seemed like something he couldn’t handle that he could opt out of the relationship. I guess he didn’t think it was that bad or something idk because whenever i had really bad depressive episodes, he would tell me I was too sad to hang out with. He said that my sadness was a burden to him. Which would be fair. But, once my mother had a conversation with him about me. She told him that i am someone who needs a lot of love and caring. She said that if he wasn’t willing to put in that kind of effort into a relationship to just leave me alone. He reassured her that he would be there for me no matter what. He told my mother that he would protect me and my heart. He did not. He took all the warnings I gave him and ignored them and then made me feel like I was the problem. And even worse, he would say that i was pretending to be sad to get his attention when he would neglect for days at a time.

There were also some smaller things like the fact that he made me feel really guilty whenever he would spend money on me. Also, he would be really mean about my eating habits. For context, i used to suffer from an eating disorder. I was anorexic and had a really unhealthy relationship with food during high school and my first year of uni. This relationship began when i was recovering from my ED. For me, eating was really hard. So i had certain comfort foods that, while sometimes unhealthy, at least it was something to eat when i didn’t feel like eating anything. He knew this. Yet, whenever i would crave some of these foods he would call me fat. Constantly told me I’d gain weight from eating all that junk food. Saying that to someone with an eating disorder is crazy. Other smaller things were that whenever I would post tiktoks where i was lip syncing or just looking good he would yell at me and say i was looking for attention. Same with Instagram or Twitter whenever i would post photos where I looked hot. He never planned out a single date for us. I would beg him to get me flowers and he did maybe once but i’ll get into that in a bit. He would make fun of me in front of his friends to make himself look better. He let his friends say really degrading things about me in his presence. For example, once when i was showering, i overheard him on a discord call with George and Sapnap and i heard George say “if you don’t go in the shower and have sex with Andi, i will”. Once, when i was really struggling with my legs (for those of you who don’t know, i have arthritis and it’s very painful. at the time i wasn’t diagnosed but i was in a lot of pain) I literally could not walk. I had to beg him to take me to the ER because i didn’t know what was wrong with me. He didn’t want to take me but eventually i convinced him, and while we were there all he did was complain about how long it was taking and that he would have rather been at home streaming. Whenever I would talk about my interests that i was excited about like shows or books he would be incredibly uninterested and say that those things were stupid and he didn’t want to hear about them. I know all of these seem very silly or superficial but cumulatively it was awful.

Now for arguably the most serious thing i’m going to talk about. I want to preface this by saying i am just telling my side of what happened. You can come to your own conclusions about this.

On April 25, 2022 it was our one year anniversary, and i had made a dinner reservation for us. I expected him to plan something throughout the day for us to do. He told me he was going to spend the whole day playing Valorant so I got upset and cancelled the reservation. After a very heated argument, we calmed down and i asked him to come over. He came over about an hour later with flowers and drinks (I was 20 at the time so I couldn’t buy the drinks myself). He brought Smirnoffs and Trulys. For context, I am a lightweight. I always have been. I literally get tipsy on half a cocktail. And that day, I hadn’t eaten anything because i was in distress over our argument. So we get to talking and drinking. I blacked out after my second Smirnoff. Apparently I drank 3 but I genuinely cannot remember anything after finishing the second one. The next morning i woke up naked in my bed. I woke him up and asked him “Luke, why am I naked?” and he said “Because you didn’t want to put your clothes back on.” When I clarified to him that that was not what I meant, he got defensive and said that he didn’t realize how drunk I was. He proceeded to tell me that I initiated sex with him and that i was very enthusiastic about it. He said he didn’t know i could black out on three smirnoffs. He made fun of me for being a lightweight and continued to make light of the situation. Then he mentioned that i fell off the bed at some point in the night and that it was funny how drunk I was. I then questioned him. Because if he thought that me tripping and falling off the bed because i was so drunk was funny, how did he not know that i was too drunk? He responded by saying that i fell off the bed only after we were done. That day I broke up with him. I’m still really confused about what happened that night. I don’t remember anything and all I have to go on is what he said to me. We were in a relationship at the time and he says he didn’t know how drunk I was so I’m not sure what to call what happened. A while after that day, his friend that hmu while we were broken up and I started talking again and i confided in him about that night. He told me to be careful saying things like that because they could get me into trouble. I spoke to some of our other friends about it and they told me it was no big deal and that it wasn’t his fault that he didn’t know how drunk I really was. Because I don’t remember, I have been led to believe that this is not a serious matter. You can think what you want, come to whatever conclusions you want. That is just my side of the story.

I want to add that I’m not proud of how I acted after the relationship ended. I felt really angry at all the shit he put me through and I guess a part of me wanted him to hurt even a quarter of how I did. So I started talking to his friend and got involved with him. This backfired on me because his friend ended up really hurting me too so ig i got my karma. But the thing that hurt the most is that because of what I did, some of our friends took his side in the break up. I was told that I did something terrible by getting involved with his friend that he was already insecure about and that he didn’t deserve that. These are the same friends who were witness to the dumpster fire of a relationship we had and all the things he did to me. They turned their backs on me because of this one thing I did. But stood by and watched as he treated me like garbage for over a year.

I will conclude this by saying that while this relationship has been “over and done with” for almost two years now, I carry a lot of trauma from it still. I still talk about him in therapy and have had to put in a lot of work to heal from what he did and i still cannot say that i am okay. I am very blessed to now have a patient and understanding partner who has helped me heal from that trauma and i just want to quickly thank him for that. Nobody deserves to go through what I did. While yes, it was a toxic relationship, and I had a part in that, it does not excuse all the awful things he said and did to me. This is my truth, thank you for taking the time to read it.

#sorry if the formatting is all over the place

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listen-to-the-inner-walrus · 1 year

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so theres a lot of posts going round about the titanic wreck and the missing submarines; all of them that ive seen have made very good points about how shoddy the submersible seemed to be and how the company decided to wait eight hours before reporting it, and how this is a play stupid games, win stupid prizes for the ultra-wealthy who paid like 250grand a ticket for this thing.

but what i havent seen any posts about is how the titanic wreck is a gravesite and this tourism is disturbing the graves of over 1500 people.

sometimes its kinda hard to remember that those on the titanic were real people; it was over a century ago, the story has been romanticised in so many ways (like the movie), theres conspiracies theories galore that cloud everything with misinformation, but at the end of the day, those who died were real people.

do you want their names? heres a list of them; its a long read. and for fun, heres another site where you can see photos of the children and babies who died aboard.

their bodies are long gone and their lives long forgotten. all we have to remember them and honour them is the wreck itself. its all we have of them and it is their gravesite. its their tombstone.

caitlin doughty/ask a morticians video on the great lakes discusses the topic well, and why we should leave these shipwrecks alone because again, they are the gravesites of all the souls who died aboard those ships. we rarely have bodies to recover so we really are left just with the wreck.

and what really upsets me about titanic tourism is how the majority of those who died that night were not the ultra-wealthy rich folks you might picture when you think of ocean liners.

61% of the first class passengers survived

42% of the second class passengers survived

24% of the third class passengers survived

24% of the crew survived **

the majority of those who died that night were regular folk; not to be cliche, but they were just like us. titanics wreck is not only a gravesite for over 1500 people, its also a majority working class gravesite.

and look at us now. look at what were doing. the ultra-wealthy can pay the equivalent of peanuts to them to disturb a mass gravesite of the exact kind of people they exploit today to hold onto all their wealth.

its easy to point and laugh at these dumb idiots in their playstation controller submarine, seemingly held together with super glue and duct tape, but its also important to remember that what they were doing was simply disturbing a gravesite for fun. though the company does research, these guys werent down there to conduct research, they were there so they could brag about it to their friends. its like “climbing mount everest” while your sherpa does all the work.

if you cant tell, i have a lot of feelings about this. shipwrecks and ocean liners are one of my special interests and im currently building a (beginner’s) model of the titanic, for fucks sake. but i would never go down to see that wreck because its a fucking gravesite and we should not be disturbing their final resting place.

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