#i'm falling back into my depression naps and anxiety is making it hard for me to wake up not at 4am

[russeliarat]

I hate how everyone expects me to get top or full marks on my exams and calls me talented and says that i have potential while pointing at the fact that I'm getting a low passing mark. Like you're literally contradicting yourself, you say I'm talented enough to achieve these high grades while pointing out the fact that I'm literally barely passing. And everyone's blowing it out of proportion too. They're saying that I'm never gonna get into college if I get a 4(passing grade) because colleges would rather have someone who got a 7 or 8 (very high grades), but I don't care. I seriously couldn't give the slightest fuck about education anymore. It's driven me to near insanity and I genuinely don't even want to stay in school until 18. I don't give a shit about jobs or money or opportunities or to be something big and make use of my potential, I just want to fucking live. No one's letting me be me, I always have to be better than me, and paired with the fact that everyone's simultaneously denying I have some kind of neurodivergenct and saying they're supposedly giving me all the additional support they can (they're not), it's completely wrecking me inside and out.

Mentally, this year has been the worst year for my mental health because of anger issues and anxiety and social issues and a general want to isolate. Physically, my unknown joint issues that are apparently just growing pains have gotten worse and its a chore to go up and down small flights of stairs and get from one building to another. I've had to start taking steroid medication inhalers because my asthma gotten worse from the stress. My eczema has come back on my face and its one of the most humiliating things because I look diseased. My hair is shedding far more than usual and my hair is usually thick but fragile. My chest and back and legs have been in more pain combined this year than when I had appendicitis.

I seriously just want to give up and become a hermit. I'm sick of life and I'd rather be contained in a little bubble as the family's next disappointment. I sobbed my eyes out over a badly formatted revision book tonight, I'm not emotionally stable enough to take on exams, let alone life, and all anyone has to say is to just be more resilient, as if I want to have the emotional maturity of a 10 year old. I'm tired and I don't care about my future anymore.

#venting #i'm just so exhausted #i can't keep up anymore my peers are already so far ahead and i'm lacking behind #it's mostly all me but it's also that no ones listening to me and is stuck blaming me and then having the gall to call me stubborn #i wanna quit #i hate life so much #i'm falling back into my depression naps and anxiety is making it hard for me to wake up not at 4am #i'd rather do nothing #doing nothing is so much better than doing too much #i wish people irl would leave me alone for once i've always been in the spotlight and i can't take it anymore #i don't want to be everyone's centre of attention

[blackbearmagic]

A few months ago, my housemate and I came up with a thing we call The Mental Health Marbles.

The concept is a simple one and only requires two things if you want to give it a try yourself. All you need is marbles and a jar.

Whenever you (or your housemate, if you've got one and they want to do this with you) do something that is beneficial for your mental health and steers you away from any unhealthy patterns you might have, you get to put a Mental Health Marble into the jar. We like to make a big show of it, describing the situation we faced, how we wanted to respond, and what we did instead, but that's optional. If you're a more private sort, you can totally just move the marble over without saying anything at all.

What you did can be as focused as "I did a thought record about a situation that was giving me anxiety instead of wallowing in my fears" or as simple as "I wanted to take a depression nap this afternoon and didn't". No act that benefits your mental health and changes your unhealthy habits is too small for a marble. The only rule is that it must be something you actively chose to do, a behavior you actively engaged in.

Let me tell you, The Mental Health Marbles have been an absolute game-changer for both of us. Now whenever we find ourselves faced with a challenging situation, there's an added incentive to do something that will benefit us, instead of falling back on unhealthy habits or patterns. There's a little whisper that says "I could do the easy thing... but if I do the hard thing, I get to put a marble in the jar." Sometimes we will text each other in the middle of the day to say "I'm putting a marble in the jar tonight!!!", because we just can't wait to show off the good choice we made. I don't know if I can really express the glee I feel whenever I get to drop a Mental Health Marble in the jar, or when I see my housemate do it; I think it's just something that has to be experienced.

The Mental Health Marbles are in our kitchen, and they are a physical reminder that we are working towards better health for ourselves. And if you think having a physical reminder like that will help you too... well, all you need is some marbles and a jar.

#the bear roars #really any small trinket would work for this #but glass marbles are cheap and they make a very good sound when you drop them in a glass jar #plus I had a container of random marbles already just sitting around so it was easy to use that

[sarrie]

Hmmm... blorbos blorbos blorbos... how about- some Gaster, Sans, Handsome Jack, Nisha, and Rhys? ;3

hEEEHEHE ok let's go!

☝︎♋︎⬧︎⧫︎♏︎❒︎

Okay so I am definitely saying this in a time where Gaster, The Mystery Man, is so unknown lol. That said, I was normal about him until I saw the not-released tarot card for him. Then I started reading fic as a joke and it all went downhill from there. And. Ok. I know we don't know ANYTHING about him, so me saying fandom takes are incorrect isn't quite fair, but I have a hard time thinking he's just 100% evil. Especially if he's a monster - made out of hope and love and all that jazz. Not saying that monsters can't do bad things (LOOKS AT ASGORE) but there's a lot that goes into that. Asgore did bad things because he was put in a bad situation, lost his family, and wanted to help his people. Alphys wanted to help people, but wound up doing bad things, too. I feel like a lot of fic and content I see for Gaster is just about him being super mega evil and Fucked Up which is fine but, like, for why? What made him act that way? I also love the idea of him just being an absolute goof. A real "Sans had to learn puns from someone" type character. And idk it's hard to have canon content about a character that uh erased themselves from existence lmao. That being said I'm not normal about him. I have 3 full fledged fanfictions about him - two I've started writing and one that I visit when I try to fall asleep and haven't written yet. If he is 100% evil that's fine load me up in the extractor baby I'm subject 01.

Snas

In the same way that I relate too well to Dante as being the haha funny pizza man as a coping mechanism to not acknowledge his own fear and depression, I relate WAY TOO WELL to Sans Undertale for the same reason. If my depression gets too bad and all encompassing I'm going to take a nap. While I used to have a healthy love of naps, they're now also coping mechanisms to avoid reality for me. Back when my anxiety and depression pretty much took over my life I would sleep forEVER. 18 hours a day if I could. I now also struggle with insomnia and sleep avoidance so it's like. I sleep in small amounts now and it's gotten to the point that I will 100% use my 15 minute breaks and my lunch to take a nap. The laid back jokey personality is very much who I am truly, but then there's also the Projection where I use that as a facade to avoid my problems/emotional trauma. And I'd say Unwillingly I have come around to him because, as I'm sure you know, in the beginning I was like I don't get this Undyne is the only hot character here what's going on why do people want to fuck this dude. And then I finally watched a play through and learned Everything and I'm like oh no he's so saaadd poor meow meow :((( sad boyyy sad!!! tragic!!! (and then The Fight happens and it's like oh uh hmm not examining my reaction to this bc i don't want to know what this says about me) Then I started reading fanfiction as a joke which ok can I say a lot of blorbos for me have come from me reading fanfic as a joke and then getting super into it??? LMAO. And now I've given myself the challenge to read as many sans/reader fics on AO3 that catch my interest and I still have 274 pages left lmAO.

Handsome Jack

Put him in more situations. Destroy him. I love him. I hate him. The reality is he could make me SO MUCH WORSE. He's handsome. He's a loser. I want more of his face to melt off. I want to chew on him like a chew toy. Jack is such a fun character to hate. He has so much charisma it's sexy but he's also so unhinged and, like, there's never been an option to fix him. I think he was born and from that moment on it's just been a collision course with absolute fuckery. He's such a caricature of a human, and if you're not the receiving end of his insanity it's so fun to watch.

Nisha

I love her. I want her to destroy me. BL2 said we need a character who can go toe-to-toe with Handsome Jack in terms of being an absolute disaster of a human being and then they delivered the most badass cowboy hat wearing woman they could. She is 1000% too good for Jack, and arguably Jack happening to her ruined her life. Rhys

My sweet precious Rhysie boy. ;-; He's so pretty and so stupid I love him so much. I really feel like BL3 fucked him up in terms of characterization. The absolute trials we go through in Tales with him and just. Stop!! putting him in situations!! I lie lmao I need a follow up of Tales where he is put in another situation with Fiona so we can see what the fuck all happened there.

[undeadorion-archive]

Officially, I will physically fight anyone who still scoffs at taking care of your physical health in order to take care of your mental health. You know the type. "Well now I'm outside and depressed." "I'm still depressed and now I have to pee." etc.

I'm coming off of about 18 months where I physically struggled to leave the house due to medical problems. I had a rough time adapting to my anxiety meds, and got an abscess in my gums. Plus dealing with school. Then just as I was recovering from all of that, I got a lung infection followed closely by a sinus infection. The combo of which left me short of breath with a chronic cough for a full year. I struggled so hard to just do the bare minimum because the smallest things could send me into a coughing fit. Just going to the store would knock me out for the rest of the day. I ate like crap because I flat out didn't have the energy.

In that time, my mental health deteriorated so much because all I did was sit at my computer or my bed and nap. Not for lack of trying. When the weather was cool enough, I'd push myself to go for a short walk. And every single time I set myself back by at least a week before I felt vaguely functional again. And it would take so long before I could get out again that it basically did nothing. About a month ago, I started treatment from asthma. I went from so non functional I considered cancelling my appointment so I could take a nap to waking up before noon and going on a post-breakfast walk before it got too hot.

Because here's the thing: going outside 1 singular time will not instantly cure your depression or other mental health issues. Going outside 2 times won't do it. In fact, no amount of going outside will cure your mental health issues. Anyone who's claiming it will is an asshole. But it HELPS. Humans need sunlight to create certain things your body needs, like vitamin D. It helps your brain regulate things like certain hormone levels and your sleep cycle. Exercise, even just walking, helps get your body working and shakes loose so much stuff you don't even know is causing you problems. Your body is a complicated meat machine full of chemicals, and if one thing is out of whack everything starts to fall apart.

You're not edgy or cool or extra goth cause you're depressed. Your depression is holding you back from being your best self. If/when you're physically able, go the fuck outside. The first few times might even be miserable because you're not used to it. But if you do it enough, I promise you, the world will start to look just a little bit better because your brain will start making the good chemicals. If you're not physically able to get yourself to go outside, talk to a doctor or someone who can help you figure out why. If you're not physically able to go on a walk and you know why, try to at least find a spot you can sit outside for like 10-15 minutes. Like any medication that has to build up within you before it works, you'll need to be patient. But in time, you'll feel at least a little better.

[im-just-a-simp-le-whore]

Sgsgsgs idk what the fuck I'm doing but we're rocking with it ig-

Headcanons again yall

Edward Elric headcannons this time

Also he is 18+ because I am 18 and I feel weird liking a fifteen year old, so we're going with that everything in the fmab timeline happened way later because I said so 👈👈 ✨kachow✨

This isn't nsfw or anything, I just personally feel uncomfortable like someone 3 years younger than me

Also, I have a heart defect so I'm being self indulgent so it's an Edward elric x heart defect! reader

I also have anxiety and depression and I'm nonbinary

Tbh this just self indulgent sgsg

Also, what I'm talking about is with my specific case!!! Everyone is different, even with a same/similar diagnosis!!

Is an absolute fucking furnace 24/7

Doesnt fucking matter if it's -10 outside still and always a furnace

Has to snuggle when falling asleep, either that be a short nap or going to sleep for the night

All of the snuggles

Constant tiny bickering, but like "I love you and I'm not very good at expressing myself" bickering

Would never genuinely yell/scream at you unless you're in serious or immediate danger

Doesnt fold when both you and Alphonse beg to take stray cats home

We're just now getting to the heart defect aspect of this oop-

Overheated?? Will make you sit under shade

No shade?? He will make you some shade

Need water?? He has ALL the water

Heart doing wack shit and you're scared?? Will panic a bit but ultimately try to calm you down while holding your hand

*que alphonse trying to give reader a random ass cat he "forgot" was in his suit of armor*

Too tired from walking around too much??

Will begrudgingly carry your ass, whilst complaining the entire time acting like it is such a pain in the ass ✋🙄

Having a bad depressive episode and dont wanna get out of bed? To an extent he understands and will offer have you piggy back while on a walk just so you can get some fresh air

Anxiety tho.... not his strongest suit

He does try his hardest to understand and accommodate but it's hard, especially if you have a lot of niche little anxiety triggers that can be anything

Like.. weird fabric textures, weird textures period, too much skin-to-skin contact, light and heat sensitive, and sensory overloads to name a few (that I have!)

I think If you didnt initially tell him you have anxiety/depression he would just tell you to "deal with it"

Not in a mean way, but in a I'm frusterated that my s/o is upset about every day things

#fmab x reader #fmab edward #edward elric #edward elric x reader #fmab headcanon #a tiny mention of alphonse #also i firmly believe the boys still would've tried human transmutation even as adults #i dont think it would have occured to them at any age that what they were doing bad or wrong

[potatopossums]

Sometimes I want a partner and it's just like. Do i want a partner or do i just want a best friend? Do i just want a cuddle person, a cozy person, a safe person? I don't care if that person isn't my official partner or something, i just care that we enjoy each other's company and understand each other and are there for each other. And maybe that's sort of how partners operate and why people go for partners. But i just don't want that? I don't like the sound of going into something like a whole bloody partnership. Not anymore.

I really just want to like. Have my person. Or my people. I want to be able to go to functions and have my anxiety buddy and be okay with them around. I hate being the only one there for me. I'm terrible at asking for support or asking for what i need specifically, or even knowing what would help. I don't have the confidence to ask for cuddles or to be held or anything most of the time. It's really difficult.

I want to get better at that. It's really damn hard. Most of the time i just want to curl up into a ball and comfort myself as much as possible because i hardly expect other people to be comforting in any way. But on the rare occasion someone is sensually pleasant and comforting... I just cling. Because i really want things to feel good for me. I feel really left out of the narrative of physical touch feeling good. I want it to feel good for me. I want to feel safe and pleasing and a lot of the time it has just never felt right for me. And that feels so disappointing. It's heralded as this wonderful thing and it just feels really blah to me, even from people I care about. It just feels wrong. And i hate that.

There have been moments where it felt right too. Rare moments where it felt really good. Those are the reason i still chase this, the reason I have any hope left in this.

It's weird. I have an online friend who I've felt quite close to in a lot of ways. And we send each other digital hugs. Normally i wouldn't be much for that sort of thing, but I've also gotten very much into comforting myself via pillows and blankets and plushies. And those hugs they send to me, as well as the hugs I send their way, are for me, enjoyed via lots of cuddly pillows and cozy blankets and just a general sense of comfort. And I've built this idea in my brain now that hugging and cuddling with this person feels like cuddling plushies and pillows. And that's not really true, which sucks — i mean cuddling with most people feels awkward at best; wtf do you do with your limbs, it's terrible and so uncomfortable.

But i came to that realization today, wondering if i ever met this friend in real life, which i hope to, would hugs feel like that? Probably not. Would they feel as comforting regardless? I have no idea. And it's a weird thing to think about. Plus, i asked if they were a cuddler, and they said no. Maybe people have different definitions of cuddling, and i certainly do. My version tends to be more like just being near someone on a couch; you can lean against their shoulder or lean back against them, or them against you; you can lay your head on their lap and fall asleep, or you can fall asleep on their shoulder on the bus. I mean, that's not always comfortable for either party, to put it frankly, but it can be comforting for short periods of time, or when it just happens in the wild. And i do tend to enjoy being affectionate. It gives my brain the good feelings. Probably also makes me horny.

Idk. Shits hard. As usual. Comfort is difficult. Life is difficult. I slept for 15 hours today. Had a shit week. Pretty sure i want to just exist in bed for an eternity. Apparently that's called depression. I call it, "I'm really sleepy, will someone come give me a hug before i take a nap pls, thank u."

#aromantic #queer #alterous #lgbtq #gynephile #mental health #personal #friendship #partnership #physical touch #depression

[teenage-mutant-ninja-freak]

This request is similar to another you did, and somewhat relevant based on your post this morning about being anxious, also no need to rush. How would the guys handle an s/o who's anxiety and depression leaves them exhausted? They still get all their work/studying/chores done but they're torn between being frustrated they can't do more and also just wanting to say "screw being responsible, I'm going to nap for the next week." Because let's be real, there's always more that needs to be done.

Leo

“that’ll fucking do” you mutter under your breath as you save the document and close your laptop

you rub your temples and close your eyes

you’re just so fucking tired, and the not the type that sleep can fix

“you push yourself too hard, you know” comes Leo’s voice from the doorway

you explain that there’s always more you could do and you’re hanging on by a thread

“listen to me very carefully, everyone has limits and you push past them and you’ll break yourself. Now get your butt into bed, I’ll finish up anything else that needs to be done”

you feel guilty but it’s best to listen to him when he puts his foot down like that

you go off to bed and he calls from behind you

“and no moping or feeling guilty either! this relationship is a team effort and I’m just doing my part to take care of you!”

Raph

You had been on the move all day

work, cooking, cleaning, studying...

you felt like utter crap

living with high functioning anxiety and depression just leaves you exhausted after the most basic of tasks

and Raph can see it in you

he had stood by you all day to get stuff done, just trying to contribute and make you feel less alone

until you rest your head in your hands and say “fuck, I can’t do this anymore”

“you say that at least 5 times a day, sweetheart. You can do this”

you explain that today is different. Today you can’t do this

so he offers you one of his better pieces of advice

“So don’t do it...” the statement kind of lingers in the air between you two for a moment

“no ones going to judge you for having had enough, babe”

so that decides it. it’s time to rest for a while

Mikey

You’d been hard at work for seemingly forever

writing away when you just feel it

that twinge of “this is hopeless” radiating up from your core

and tears come to your eyes

“no no no, not crying. Not today!”

he scoops you up in his arms and demands to know what’s wrong

“there’s just always more to be done, Mikey. Nothing is ever enough and I’m so tired” you choke out that last part

“baby..” he begins

then he decides maybe it’s better to just hold you for a while

you rest your head on his shoulder, still crying a little

he shushes you and strokes your hair until you fall asleep on him

you wake up and he’s carried you to bed and is finishing a few chores that you’ve got on your to-do-list for tomorrow

Donnie

It’s been a long, hard day

you get back tot he lair and flop down on the sofa

“ah, good, you’re resting” Donnie comes in

“not for long, always gotta do more” you reply 

he gives you a concerned look and sits down next to you

“Look, I hate to see you doing this to yourself. sometimes the best thing you can do is admit that you need to stop”

you explain that you don’t know how, that if you stop then what if you never start again and you just become some lazy, do-nothing-all-day girl who never gets out of bed because she’s too tired

he chuckles at that

“well, if that ever happens, I’ll be there to deal with it. But, until then, please get some rest. I’m begging now”

his tone is too sweet for you to ignore him 

so you decide that maybe a 30 minute nap won’t kill you...

#unmotivated #unmotivated s/o #tmnt #teenage mutant ninja turtles #teenage mutant ninja turtles x reader #tmnt x reader #teenage mutant ninja turtles imagine #tmnt imagine #tmnt donnie #tmnt raph #tmnt leo #tmnt mikey

[enbylovebird]

kieran imagines because this perfectly sums up how i'm feeling (thanks, neurodivergence.) and i just need a hug, honestly.

tw for depression and anxiety description

it's one of those weird days outside, where the sun is barely peeking through clouds that you're absolutely positive are going to bring rain.

you just wish it would hurry up and rain. maybe the calm from the soft hiss of rain on the trees and pavement would make you feel better about feeling like shit today.

you look at your legs, one out of the blanket, the other unmoving. you stare hard, laser focused as if that would make them move, but it won't. you know it won't. it's one of those days.

those days where you want to be productive but you just can't. you can't even bring yourself to get up and brush your teeth or drink water. you feel awful about it; you feel like maybe if you tried harder, you wouldn't be like this.

that only makes the sinking feeling in your chest worse. you bury deeper into your blankets and hope to fall asleep; numb the feeling for a little while to save the self-loathing for later.

and it works, for just a little while. you wake up a few hours later to a myriad of texts from your boyfriend, keigo.

birdbrain<3: hey kid, look

birdbrain<3: [photo attached]

birdbrain<3: i found a nest! there's babies in here and it doesn't seem like they know how to fly yet so i may or may not have helped them out

birdbrain<3: patrol was boring, clearly :/

birdbrain<3: you do anything interesting today ? i know its your day off

birdbrain<3: wait you're probably busy im sorry i love youuuuu

"yeah. busy." you scoff. you're too empty, too mad at yourself to even smile at the goofy messages, much less reply and ask what exactly "helping out" meant.

you momentarily forget about read receipts, because just as you move to lock your phone, keigo's texting you again.

birdbrain<3: u saw it, hi how are u

birdbrain<3: but there's no answer....

birdbrain<3: u ignoring me....

birdbrain<3: HEY AM I BEING IGNORED

okay fine, that gets you laughing. you type back a quick emoji, and the messages keep coming.

birdbrain<3: wait just an emoji?

birdbrain<3: kid, are you doing okay?

me: im fine

birdbrain<3: that's bullshit i can smell it with my bird nose

me: i dont think birds have really good noses

birdbrain<3: asshole

birdbrain<3: i'm coming over, don't move.

you're not sure if you want to see him, but he's there in 45 minutes anyways, knocking at the door to your apartment.

you can't find your voice, so you don't even yell out that the door is open. he has a key, he can figure it out.

keigo arrives in your room to see you almost hidden by your blankets. you don't look at him, but you can hear the empathy in his voice when he says your name. "rough day?" he asks quietly.

you hum. "something like that. i hate myself more than usual today."

keigo sits next to you, patting your hair gently. "you know how i feel about you saying that." he then rests his hand on your cheek, and you feel a knot start to build in your chest. "dove.."

"please don't. i know, i look pathetic like this--"

keigo cuts you off with a sharp shake of his head. "don't. you don't have to say anything to explain how you feel today. not up to it? that's okay. there's always tomorrow."

"but what if i can't do anything tomorrow?"

you sniffle, not realizing that you've begun to cry. you feel your stomach churn with your thoughts. you have so many responsibilities, so much you could be doing, and yet you just can't fucking move; your body won't let you.

keigo lays down next to you, pulling you close. you hug him back, sighing shakily. "that's okay, too. you need a break, and that's fine. i'll be here for when you do decide to go about things, okay?"

you still don't feel much better, but maybe you will after another nap. keigo's warmth is nice, and he's right. maybe you just need time and he promised to be here for when you're ready to be up and about. so you shut your eyes and the rain begins to fall, finally.

#takami keigo x reader #takami keigo #hawks x you #hawks x reader #hawks #bnha hawks

[ghoulcouriersix]

Happy Together

Pairing: Female V/Gustavo Orta

Characters: Fem V, Gustavo Orta, Johnny Silverhand.

Tags: Angst/Hurt, Comfort, depression, loss, death, grief/mourning, Johnny is a sweetheart deep down, best friends.

Summary: Cherry shows a piece of her past to Johnny, opening up old wounds in the process. Johnny shows his soft side even if it's only for a little while (this is NOT canon to Cherry's story just a little AU)

The drive up to The Columbarium is always a tough one. On typical sad days it always rains but this time the blistering heat of the sun makes Cherry's skin melt and stick to the leather of her car seat. The mumbling of the radio a pleasant distraction as the looming dread of those tall pillars comes into view. 

"The fuck are we doing here?" Johnny glitches into existence in the backseat making the woman jump.

"Just paying a visit, why are you back there anyway"

Johnny leans over, pointing to the flowers resting in the passenger seat.

"Don't wanna sit on em" 

"Well look at you being thoughtful for once" Cherry scoffs

"I know better than to disrespect the dead, you know me better than that" he declares as the car rolls to a stop. Her hands grip hard to the steering wheel.

"You can stay in the car Johnny I know this shit isn't your thing" 

"You're obviously here to see someone I'm not stupid, you need me and I'm here, always. You know that" 

Who knew this parasite that wormed his way into her head had a heart, even if he's slowly killing her, Johnny is.. something else. There's no romantic attachment but the idea of being alone, no Johnny to wake up to, his snarky comments or the fact he's always there when she needs him. All alone. That made a pit swill in her stomach. She knows at the end of the day it's either him or her but as the days pass by it's getting harder to make that fucking decision. 

"Thank you Johnny, really. I would" she pauses "I really need you" 

"Anytime kid" he then flicks out of existence with a smile.

Her lips itch for a cigarette as the anxiety builds in her stomach, anything to taste the burn of nicotine on her tongue as it fills her lungs full of cancer and satisfaction.

Peeling herself out of the car still fighting the urge for a smoke. Flowers in one hand anger in the other, she walks up the stairs, her heels clicking on the spotless tiles. The silence is deafening, feels like the whole world is zoomed in on her like this is some game. Such a fucking funny game.

She grips the flowers hard as the faint sound of crying comes into earshot. She rushes by quickly ignoring the tears already burning in the back of her eyes, rounding a corner the crying dies down as her destination comes into view. Biting her lip hard she stands face to wall.

"Hey Gustavo, I missed you" her lips twitch. 

Gustavo Orta, the man you always could rely on. Rest in peace.

She sits crossed legs facing the blue plaque. A lonely pot of wilting flowers lean against the wall along with half melted candles, she reaches out and touches the petals gently. Dry but soft.

"I'm sorry the heat got to you so badly, Gustavo would flip if he saw this" she chuckles through the pain as she collects the water jug next to the pot and watches the water slowly trickle down the flower into the soil.

She sets the new flowers next to old, the comparison between the two is too hard to ignore. One discoloured, brittle, starved the other fresh, lively, perky. It reminds her of herself in a way.

"Who's this?" Johnny squats into view pointing at the wall "brother, friend, boyfriend?"

"Husband actually" she looks at Johnny with a small smile and also a little humoured seeing him so taken back.

"You? Married? You don't look like the marrying type Isabella wait sorry Cherry" 

"No, call me Isabella please" she corrects him.

Silence falls between the two, it's awkward the kind of tense that you wish something would happen to break the ice.

"How'd he, you know, don't have to tell me like" he moves into a side sitting position.

"Some Merc zeroed him, had a hit on his head because of a rumour of all things. Saw him with a girl of the opposite family, dad got jealous and tried to have him killed but she got the bullet instead so they sent in a reliable Merc. Grabbed him when he was alone and yea. Had to go identify the body they fucked him up so bad. Not the way you wanna remember your husband's face" she falls silent as the tears threaten to break free.

"Shit, I'm sorry kid I know this sorta stuff I hard to go through, lost someone special to me too so you're not alone" 

"Doesn't get easier does it?" 

He replies to her question with a sorrowful head shake.

"I thought as much, he would've liked you, he had a thing for assholes with a soft center" she laughs as her head rests on his shoulder. He smelled like cigarettes with a mix of sweat and cologne.

"Of course he would've what's not to like about me, everyone warms up to eventually even you" he huffs out as laugh when she jabs his side.

"Wanna smoke?" She looks up at him, his eyes glued to the wall with an unreadable expression.

"Light em up, I'm itching for one. I can feel your eagerness too" she shuffles in her jacket pocket feeling the paper of the cigarette dancing across her knuckles.

Man did it feel good to have that burn in her lungs again, the sweet dull taste washing over her tongue like a tsunami. She remembers how Gustavo's lips used to taste. A kiss so hypnotic it drove her crazy. Soft dreamy hair she ran her fingers through every morning, his gentle touch that made her blush and squirm in all the right ways. She's a complicated woman with two sides. One reserved, hidden away the other outgoing, bubbly and loyal and it made her feel exposed the way he'd crack open her personality and see a side only he got to see.

"So tell me about him, what was he like as a husband?" his hand gently runs up and down her back.

"The best, the fact he had to run a whole gang under his belt but never raised his voice or his hand to me or anyone close to him, sure he got irritated, work got him down and he may have snapped at his members sometimes but he was always smiling and laughing while having that charming sarcastic personality. He was..the best I could've asked for" the tears break through the barriers and run down her cheeks. Dripping on her hands.

"Hey, no tears. We'll get the guy who killed your husband alright? He took something away from you, something important and yea we may have hated each other's guts at one point but Arasaka can wait. You're more important right now" his arm pulls her into his chest gently

"I've got you kid, it's okay. I'm here" he says soothingly as her hands grip onto his tank top. His chest is the perfect pillow to bury her face in and just let it all out. His arms wrap around her body tightly, covering her with his body.

"Thank you Johnny out of all the people's heads you could've infected I'm glad it was mine" she laughs while she wipes her tears away.

"You're welcome sweetheart, you owe me a new tank top though, got your snot n' tears all over me" 

"Yea I um maybe blew my nose on you while I was there" she bats her eyelashes at him in a puppy like fashion

"Disgusting, you're not crying on me ever again" he wipes at his shirt with a annoyed look in his eyes

"Fine, I'll just do it again when you're not looking. Now" she stands and stretches with a yawn "let's get the fuck out of here, I've let all my sad bitch out for the day" 

"I'm gonna nap in the car, think I earned it after all that" he glitches next to her with a smirk

"Okay. Deal. Now get your ass in the car before I change my mind"

"Will do princess" he salutes as he fades back into nothingness.

She quickly bends down, kissing her fingers and pressing it against the plaque. Saying goodbye will always make the hole of loneliness in her heart grow, threatening to swallow her whole but she's got shit to do.

"Sleep well baby, I'll be seeing you soon" she whispers, walking away from The Columbarium once again, Like history on a never-ending painful loop. Stay strong tomorrow is a new day.

End notes: thank you sm for reading my sad bitch shit. I promise next one is gonna be a lot happier and fluffier :3

#cyberpunk 2077 #cyberpunk #female v #fanfiction #mine #Gustavo Orta #spotify #comfort #deprssion #loss #angst #best friends #Fem V/Gustavo Orta

[weabbynormalblog]

10 Winter Holidazes Tips and tricks-

For those living with Fibromyalgia, CFS, depression, auto immune etc. it's time to have a little fun.

This time of year can be physically brutal, stressful and full of triggers. From Bright lights, lots of decorations, music, food and people. Yes and fun too!

The list...

1- Be Prepared

Me, I'm all about the quality of the moment. I want to survive the holidays and not end up in bed and have some fun too! For me its 1 festive beverage, water or juice after that. I'll avoid my muscle relaxant for 2-3 hours, I'll bring my own snacks, music/meditation and eye mask. Be prepared for any kind of moments. Also be prepared to have some fun, if your not into the event then do something that you do enjoy so you don't have the holiday blues.

2 - Pack healthy snacks, include mints or gum. Sucking on a candy can also distracts brain and keep you from indulging in too much of the sweets. Many of us who suffer with auto immune issues and disorders sugar is often is a trigger. I suggest portion control for those who tend to over indulge. Grab a plastic cup put your chips(taboo food) in there, when it's empty your done.

3 - Prepare for some discomfort. Remember your Meds. Distraction photos maybe of your children, animals, art project...plus whatever has worked for you in the past. Have something to focus on rather than your pain, discomfort or unhealthy thoughts. Have handy in your phone a seven to ten minute meditation to follow, to help you deal with all that input. Practice deep breathing technics. Do box breathing to combat anxiety - Get your friends to do it with you. No room for your timeout or rest? Take some me time in the washroom. Go sit in the stall put on your eye mask plug in your head phones. You can also go sit in your car untill you feel better then go back, or ask for company if you need it.

4 - Think pro active if you can. How have other outings gone? How did you cope? What worked? What needs improvement? Plan on that.

5 - Prepare topics that you would like to talk about. Write a few coaching words or topics in your phone. Since my brain injury conversation is problematic for me for many reasons. So here's a chance to improve my communication skills. Everyone is out for fun, your not being judge in this scenario. It's bound to be interesting and different than our usual day to day events. No expectations here except to have a good time. Don't worry if you forget to get to the point, the conversation will turn. If it's hard to follow conversations listen to only one person talking. Seek out quieter environs for conversations. Sometimes I like just listening too. I miss parts of the conversation that's normal for me, there's no point in being upset about it. My balance is terrible so I need to be careful because its so easy to fall too. Sure it can be embarrassing, screw it, I'm ok move on.!!!! It's beyond me, so there's no point in being embarrassed. What were we talking about, again? I find that fascinating etc. Put the emphasis on other people rather than on yourself. It's a perfect time to leave your struggles and worries behind. Remember to ask questions and feel free to interject how you would deal or cope. Forgot something? Said the wrong thing because of misunderstandings? No worries, this is you, they either get it or don't and it's all good.

6 - How to answer the worst question anyone could ask you. How are you? Such a loaded question. This is not the time or place to really tell people about your ordeal or how your doing. The perfect answer is I'm managing and how about you? Your out, appreciate it, savor it and manage it. Save the heart to heart for your close friends, not for socializing. If they are really curious and positive people agree to get together and hang out.

7 - Your starting to get tiered, that's the red flag, time to go. Say no if people urge you to stay. We need to respect our pain and boundaries today so that we can function tomorrow. When you've had enough say thank you, nice talking and excuse me, see you later or nice seeing you, say your good byes and go.

So I chose 1 event to go to this month and its a New Years music jam party at the restaurant that I jam at. I want to perform, sing and play guitar. I'll need all the energy I can get.

7 - Rest Up

So it's gonna be loud, lots of lights, got my bling sunglasses and ear plugs ready. I will be managing my energy very closely days before as well, while I practice my set list and rest. I will be napping before the outing or at least resting and meditating, so I can be at my best for the occasion. Take out your outfit days before try it on and so on. Be comfortable, don't wear your gorgeous high heel unless you brings some flats too, it's unrealistic for me to be in high heels for more than 1-2 hours. Make necessary planing changes for this outing, so you won't be hesitant the next time to take offers to go somewhere. You'll be well prepared and rested.

8 - Plan for lots of time to get ready. Stress creeps in easily for us. Make sure you leave plenty of time to get ready. I don't know about you but I don't do anything fast. 1 speed only, slow. And yet I can sing and play a fast song how weird is that?

The point is to enjoy your outing as stress free as possible while managing your energy. If you like to dance do just a bit. I suggest to sit out most of it if you want to See the ball drop, no point in exhausting yourself completely. If it's your jam, then you go, go go!!!

9 -Just say no, maybe another time.

Do not commit to more than you can possibly handel. Pick 1 event that you really want to go to this holiday season. Commit only to that. If your peeps are looking to connect with you, suggest a get together at your place or somewhere in the middle or an outing thats mutually beneficial. Like a walk outside to go get some hot chocolate. A spa date, a trip to the gym, go for a swim. Meet up for coffee.

As someone with Fibro or Cfs etc. Eating healthy is very important to us. I suggest bring enough of your favorite treat when out and about. Got allergies bring your own meal if you must. Human interaction is especially important for us. We need a whole tribe for this thing to get better. We tend to self isolate all the time due to pain and emotional issues. Your pain is important to me and others. It's not healthy for us to be in a dark room all the time. Humans are social creatures. We do need to take some responsibility of walking the path of better health whenever we can. Push yourself but only a little bit, don't overwhelm or undermine yourself in any way. No promises or commitments or anything that doesn't jive with you right now. Do what feels natural and comfortable that just pushes your boundaries just a little. Be conscious of managing your energy better so we can have a better day tomorrow too.

10- Have fun! Do feel great that you can get out! Be humble, if you can't and don't worry you missed this event there will always others. Take your time to heal, you'll make it to another one, when you're up too it. There's lots of people who can't get out during holidays, it's all too much. I say do something special for yourself. Book a massage, order in a meal. Treat yourself to some dark truffle chocolates.

Enjoy responsibly wherever your at!

#energy management #Enjoy the holiday #How to deal with holiday triggers #TBI #CFS for the holidays #how to behave at events when you have chronic pain #How to enjoy the holiday when you have chronic pain #How to enjoy the hidays when you have chronic fatigue #How to be goodto yourself for the holiday. #tips for TBI #tips for fibromyalgia #tips for chronic pain #tips for chronic fatigue during the holidays

[rebootkirk]

Hey I saw your tags and as someone who also got fucked by public education, did you graduate high school? What was it like? Where are you now in terms of education and career? Obviously you don't owe a random on the internet shit, but I'm younger than you by a little and I'd like to know your story

okay so this got… real long. so there will be a tl;dr at the end if this is way more info than you wanted

i had a really shit high school experience. i’ve had severe GAD (generalized anxiety disorder) my entire life and was diagnosed with depression in 7th grade and ADHD in 8th grade, but as a Gifted Kid i couldn’t accept that i needed help and refused a 504 plan when my therapist at the time suggested it. my local high school was a Good School which is code for “we’re gonna work these kids as hard as possible until they have a breakdown and then we’re gonna pretend that’s not happening”. so things got really awful for me mental health-wise during my freshman year of high school because i was so over-stressed by everything going on with school. i remember telling multiple people that i didn’t know how/if i was going to survive high school. when i told my parents that high school was hell i absolutely wasn’t exaggerating.

i switched to homebound education 3 weeks into my sophomore year because my anxiety and depression got so bad i literally couldn’t set foot on school grounds without starting to have a panic attack. i stayed in homebound until the end of the semester (in january), but i wasn’t getting better (this was the absolute worst period of time for my mental health and i never imagined i would have any kind of future) and homebound isn’t meant to be a long term solution, so we decided i would switch to homeschooling.

i was enrolled in online classes but my (and my mom’s) adhd made it pretty much impossible for me to actually complete those classes, and once i realized there was no penalty for turning my work in late i kinda just stopped doing it. i essentially did nothing for the entirety of what should have been my junior year, but because i was getting good yearly test scores (which you have to provide to the school system to show you’re actually progressing in your education but the tests were honestly a joke) nobody made a fuss. but it’s easier and more accurate for me to just say i dropped out of high school so i go with that instead of “technically homeschooled but not actually doing anything”

in the fall of what would have been my senior year i took one class at the local community college. in the spring i took two. i got my GED the same month my twin sister graduated from high school (may 2016). i kept taking classes at community college, but never more than 3 per semester. 

i joined a club at the local public university in fall 2017 and made friends. in december of 2017 i was diagnosed with an extremely disabling sleep disorder (idiopathic hypersomnia) and started taking meds that made me sleep a little bit better at night and took me from my body NEEDING a 4-5hr nap EVERY DAY to just needing a 1-2hr nap every other day or so. and since the university makes it really easy for the community college students to apply and get accepted (or denied) on the spot, i applied as a psych major as a sort-of whim. and i got in.

in fall of 2018 i started at [university name redacted] and moved into a dorm with other transfer students. and i got accommodations for my ADHD and all of my teachers were really understanding of the fact that 1. i had a debilitating sleep disorder, and 2. that it was my first time taking classes full time in 5 years and i might struggle a bit. and i started actually getting treated for my chronic pain that i hadn’t let myself admit was chronic pain and going to a dietitian on campus and seeing a psychiatrist and in november i finally got my weight up enough for my doctor to let me go back on adderall which has made a huge difference in my ability to actually focus and do school shit. i ended up having to get an extension on one of my final papers and take an incomplete for another class and finish my final paper for that class over break but i did finish them both! what was also really important to me was that i was taking classes i actually wanted to be in (except for biological statistics but that’s a requirement for my major). 

this past semester i officially decided i wanted to double major in neurosci and psych and so i’m doing it! and i didn’t have to get extensions on any of my finals! i’m working as an undergrad research assistant in one of the psych labs on campus and i can see a future for myself, which i couldn’t have ever imagined at 16. i’ve still got 2-3 more years of undergrad, which means i’ll graduate after my twin sister does, but i feel like i can actually do it. and i want to go to grad school. which is fucking wild but seems possible most days.

tl;dr: i dropped out of high school at 15/16 for mental health reasons, got my GED 2 ½ years later, did community college part time for a while, got into university, started actually going to doctors and shit about my mental and physical health issues, decided to double major in psych and neurosci, and now i actually want to go to grad school after college when i never even thought i would survive until the end of high school

i’m not going to say “keep going, it gets better” because that was the absolute worst possible thing someone could say to me when i was in so much pain and felt so empty that a life didn’t seem possible for me. getting to this point was really fucking hard and took a really long time and there’s a lot of not-so-great shit that i’m glossing over, and i’m still struggling. but i’m so fucking proud of myself for surviving. and i know that sounds preachy and dumb but i am

#thoughts #long post #block text

[amberli-2004-blog]

I'm bored and can't fall asleep

So I’m tired, but can’t fall asleep. I’m listening to Dear Evan Hansen on repeat and am crying. I’m sick and didn’t take any medicine before bed. I am on Tumblr when I’m supposed to be asleep because I have to wake up early to go somewhere tomorrow. I’m wondering why we need to wear pajamas when we fall asleep. What even are naps? If dogs were humans what would their government be like? Why do I relate to both Evan and Connor? Why is depression a thing? FUCK YOU ANXIETY My head hurts Bleh Summer is really boring. I said I would go to bed a hour ago. IM FLYING BLIND AND IM MAKING THIS UP AS I GOOOOOOOOO Do you ever wonder what if Connor lived but Evan didn’t, but Connor still had Evans letter and when Heidi finds her son and sees him with Connor’s name on his cast, she most likely would talk to Connor and ask about it. WHAT IF HEIDI SAW THE LETTER AND THOUGHT IT WAS A LETTER FROM CONNOR TO EVAN? WHAT IF CONNOR WENT THROUGH WHAT EVAN WENT THROUGH UGHHHH. I’m getting sleepy OOH ITS 11:11 I wish that I could fall asleep and not get distracted by Tumblr for once Bloop bloop Anxiety is the worst. People sometimes say it’s just you’re worrying to much, but it’s way more. Your mind makes up non realistic situations about simple things and it’s terrifying because you don’t know what will actually happen. You are so scared that that might happen so you try so hard to avoid it. It’s so frustrating because sometimes I just want to be able to go up to somebody and have a normal conversation without freaking out about if they will judge me or I will trip onto them or I might hurt their feelings or they might hate me. I wish I could get through this. I’m a messed up kid. I have anxiety. Low self esteem. Self conscious. You know sometimes I’ll have really good days where everything’s okay. I’ll feel free like as if the chains of my messed up brain that have been holding me down have disappeared and I’m free. It’s amazing, until it’s not. It never is. I can’t just have a good day without something happening. I get into a terrible mindset. I get so close to doing stuff I regret and it’s scary. I try ignoring it, but I can’t. My brain hurts. I’m in pain and nobody notices. They never do. They think oh look it’s Amber she always is happy, look at her laughing with her friends she’s so happy nothing wrong with her. When actually that smile is forced. Her laugh is her trying to assure people she’s okay when she’s not. Her talking is a coping mechanism. I hate myself. I hate everything. I hate how I can’t be seen. Will anybody even care if I disappeared? “ On the outside always looking in, Will I ever be more than I’ve always been Cause I’m tap tap tapping on the glass I’m waving through a window I try to speak, but nobody can hear I wait around for an answer to appear While I’m watch watch watching people pass I’m waving through a window Can anybody see Is anybody waving back at me”

#i don't even know #I don't know what this was #i'm not okay #ughhhh #dear evan hansen #DEH #evan hansen #connor murphy