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callofdudes · 7 months

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Zombie Ghost x Reader

Look at how adorable he is 🥰

Summary: After getting bitten by a zombie during the last outbreak, you and the team are clinging on to any hope you have of bringing back your friend.

Cw: Angst, death, gore.

A/n: I really do apologize for lack of updating as I've recently been quite a lot busier and mentally this feels like a brick load.

The zombie apocalypse. Unknown in origin and spreading around the globe in immeasurable numbers. Claiming half the popular by storm and turning them into spawn of the sucking, drooling, blood lusting bodies that dragged themselves across the earth. 141 was no stranger to dangerous tasks but while locked behind the safe haven of thick barbwire fences and giant floodlights on base to keep away from the spread, they were also charged with taking it down.

The daunting thought. Two of you sent out each week to kill as many as you could in a few days time while keeping regular in check hours with the others was grueling...

Ghost stopped abruptly along the treeline, forcing you to also stop, looking around at the chilly autumn landscape. You were lucky it was autumn, easier to see through the trees, the crunching of dried leaves and immediately give away to position. If only it didn't work for both parties.

You held your gun stiffly, unable to fight the urge to look back behind you several times. The air reeked of death and the smell was ungodly. You were close.

Ghost stepped forward again, shifting his crosshairs over toward the lake in the distance. Known to avoid water but not above sticking around it like fools. You both approached, surely this was your target end.

The whole thought made your spine tingle, and not in a good way. "Ghost- do you have a visual?" You whisper, turning again behind you just to be sure it is still barren.

"Negative." He replied, shifting his gun as he approached the end of the hill, staring down into the valley. A dead end.

He looked around before lowering his weapon. "Nothing."

"But there was a sighting around here." You look down at the lake where the water didn't stir and then around at the thick trees.

"I know, but I'm not-"

There was a crack, a branch above from a nearby tree giving way, it's limbs tearing like string as the weight came crashing down. Simon cursed as the branch hit him, sending him to the ground before feeling those cold dead hands grab onto his throat.

"Simon!!" You pointed your gun, watching the two struggle while trying to get a clear shot.

Ghost grunted, the zombie snarled at him, saliva flicking onto his face. Those milky, glazed eyes and the smell of the rotting flesh from its corpse. It leaned down, it's blunt teeth attempting to sink into him but Ghost managed to thrust it back.

You shot a bullet through its spine, hearing it screech and spill up blood from its mouth, animalistic hunger seeping in and it sunk its mouth into Ghost's forearm, biting and tearing into the flesh.

Ghost tries to get away and kick it off, managing to send it sprawling and losing its tight grip on him. And watching you put more than a fair share of bullets into it.

He panted, his arm throbbing. He winced under his breath, pulling up his sleeve and seeing the deep mark and the flesh torn from his skin from the separation. The way his veins were already bulging and searing black from the point of contact. Almost instantaneous...

"Were you hurt??" You move back over to him.

Ghost yanks down his sleeve

"No. I'm fine."

"Ghost-" You reach out for his arm and he tries to push you away, only aiding you in getting him with both hands, pulling his sleeve up to see the bite.

"Shit...." Your worst fear. You couldn't imagine yourself getting bitten, but one of your friends. Your lieutenant.

"We need to get you back home, fuck, how much time do we have??" You turned on your radio, comming in to Price for evac and a medical team.

Ghost watched you, feeling a sharp pain fill his head. He blinked, trying to ward it off, the whites of his eyes already invading his pupils and glazing over his irises. The venom spreading through his body and claiming him.

You looked at him, seeing him watching you and trying to hang on. "It'll be ok Simon." You said it more for yourself it felt. He gave a simple nod, sitting down against the tree nearby to try and stabilize himself.

The wait until evac and medical came was intense. You tried to keep Simon talking but it was clear his mind wasn't right. Half here half somewhere else, zoning in and out.

A new form of hunger already coiling in his stomach and taking over like a hand slashing through his intestines. Opening gashes and letting fluids pour out and burn the inside of him. That's what the hunger felt like. The wanting. The need.

To feast and sink his blunt teeth into the warm flesh of a body and tear it right from the screaming corpse.

He held his head, tapping his foot violently fast against the ground, trying to distract himself.

You watched him worriedly, looking back as medical came rushing over from where the helicopter had landed some hundred feet away.

"He needs help! Right now, he needs help!" You yell as they approach, one of the soldiers taking you aside while the other two stand Simon up.

"He's been bitten you need to help him!"

Ghost staggered, looking at you as the medical officers walked him back to the helicopter and helped him inside.

Your heart was racing. Would this be a goodbye?? What would happen?? Could they save him?? So many questions so little time.

You were loaded into a separate air unit while medical attended to Ghost.

Back on base they didn't let you see him either. Every minute wasted was a possibility to save Ghost and you knew that. But you couldn't help and see how Ghost struggled. His pale fists clenching, his once blue veins deep black, tinting the color of his skin.

How he struggled and fought the restraints of the medical bed before you were ushered in a different direction to go see your team.

It was quiet entering the living area, seeing Price sat there in his favorite chair, the rocker completely still while Johnny and Gaz occupied the couch, fidgety.

Gaz was the first to react, getting up and rushing to you. "Oh thank goodness. You had us worried mate- are you ok?" He inspected you, worry in his eyes until you squeezed his hand.

"I'm ok Gaz, I'm ok."

"So it's true then?? The report??" Johnny asked, still glued to the couch.

"About Ghost? Yes... he was bitten."

The reality all of you knew and yet weren't entirely willing to accept. You'd never managed to save anyone from the claws of the virus no matter how many small doses of formulas and stimulus syringes were produced all too quickly for them to properly work.

And if they did work, the constant need to be injecting it to keep the virus away from completely devouring the brain and the immune system was taxing.

You didn't sleep that night. Trying to imagine what Simon was feeling. Tossing and turning through every hour, thinking of Ghost. Your friend.

Maybe if you had helped faster? If you had shot faster or kicked the stupid thing instead of standing there like an idiot. All the what ifs drowned you and your worries for Ghost.

The next morning you were planning to stop by Simon's hospital bed to check on him and see if he was doing any better.

Before you could though, you were abruptly interrupted in the hallway by Johnny.

"Y/n, you have to come down to the containment room... it's not good."

"Containment...?" Your heart pounded. "Come on, let's go." You and Johnny rush down the hallway out past the medical rooms to a different room. One you had installed after the outbreaks to help keep any spawn in base contained.

Rushing into the room the containment unit was already surrounded by Gaz and Price.

You heard that snarl, the heavy breathing. Light footsteps that stalked the tank within.

"How is he??" You push in between them, seeing the unit. Simon... Simon was inside. But he didn't look like Simon. Not anymore.

The skin around his face was dark and bloodied, teeth bared and his eyes milky and cloudy.

He snarled when he saw you, he smelled you. Pounding on the unit and lashing out. His fists pounded on it, staring at you like a snack. Something he could eat whole. Swallow in one meal.

He mimicked those disgusting sounds of the horrors that roamed the wastes outside the base.

He slammed his body into the tank. Snarling and yelling as he threw himself, clawing and pounding on the windows.

"Simon stop!" You called, stepping back as he thrust himself at the window, slamming his fists into it.

Blood flicking over the glass and splattering with each hit.

"Simon you're hurting yourself!!" You cried, seeing Simon in a frenzy. Was this Simon?? This wasn't Simon. This wasn't your friend.

But you didn't know what you would do without Simon. You couldn't go on without him and right now he doesn't look like he is wants to be friends with you.

Simon was in so much pain. His stomach twisted and squelched inside his rotting body. It was so numb and yet he felt pain in every layer of flesh that was torn from his body.

He couldn't control when he bit that doctor, he couldn't control when he'd smashed the monitor and snapped his neck. He was hungry. He was so fucking hungry.

And now you were here, and that angry appetite only grew. He nearly salivated, he could smell your warm skin. He could see the fear and the hope in your eyes, but his hunger was in control. It's all he knew.

You continued to watch him throw himself at the tank, trying to calm him down, to get him to stop. To see any resemblance between your friend still in there. If there was anything.

"Simon please I need you to stop, stop Simon, please." You moved closer to the tank, placing your hand on it to try and calm him.

A moment of silence went by before he lunged again, screaming as his blunt, exposed teeth gnashed at the window where your palm was, making you jump back.

Price places his hand on your shoulder, watching Simon continue to try to get out. To fight the horrible hunger inside him.

"I'm sorry soldier..."

You quivered, seeing Simon like this broke you. Rushing from the room and back under your covers to cry. Simon, your best friend...

Why hadn't you just been faster. If you hadn't been so dumb and seen where that stupid zombie was perched this would have never happened. It felt like your fault. It was your fault.

Every day you went to see Simon, and every day it just felt worse. His anger slowly started to calm and you even took the occasional chance to try and feed him through one of the tubes attached to the tank.

Simon would eat it, but would watch you. Sometimes you knew he was looking at you because he wanted to eat you and others you weren't sure. It was a numb look. Blank. A look you all too often couldn't read.

You'd sit with him when he had stopped acting crazy. He would sit on the tank floor staring or would walk around, licking the tube into the tank to get any reminisce of the slop you had to feed him to help his hunger.

You would talk to him even if nothing was said back. It was like you were talking to a brick wall all over again.

It was your fault.

You did this to him.

He's hurting. He's in pain.

He's your best friend.

Hoard after hoard the team kept fighting, but you couldn't do this without Simon. You couldn't. And you couldn't fight knowing Simon was back on base locked up, going stir crazy and trying to get out. Fed anything from leftover meals if he was lucky...

It was another dark night. Sitting in your room while looking at one of the photos you had taken of Simon. One of the only photos you had where you caught his eyes in the light, seeing the glint and the faint sparkle that would travel back and forth. The corners of his eyes creasing from his hidden smile.

You left your bed, tucking your blanket around your shoulders with the photo in hand. You wandered down past the medical room and to the containment unit.

Flicking on the dimmer lights you saw Simon sitting at the back of his tank, eyes immediately on you when you enter.

"Hey buddy..." you whisper, coming over to the tank.

Simon snarls lowly, staring at you and slowly standing when you placed your hand on the tank. "I'm sorry Simon... I'm truly sorry..."

He huffed through his nose, coming over to the tank. He didn't bang on it, he didn't attempt to jump. He watched you. In the quietness, his glazed over eyes showing no signs of the person you once knew.

But then, for a moment, something happened. His hand came up, touching the glass over your palm from the other side. Seeming content.

You looked in at him, making your final decision. "I can't go on without you Simon. I just don't think I can watch you be kept in here. Not when I know they'll kill you soon."

Simon continues to silently watch you. You move away from the tank and over to the console in the corner, granting access to the security latch on the unit.

You both heard the hiss and the click. Simon's eyes watching you with that hollow, hungry desire. He pressed his hand to the glass, watching it move and shift open, letting him out into the air.

He smelled of death and rotting flesh. Sounds gurgled up in his throat, and he lunged at you. You gasp, your natural instinct to fight until his nails sunk into your shoulders.

You looked up at him as he sunk his teeth into your cheek, making you cry as he bit down and tore through the flesh and tendon, liquid squelching and blood splattering across the walls.

Tears swelled in your eyes as he chewed down your flesh and gnashed his teeth into the side of your face, pulling and tearing the tissue away from the bone and devouring you.

You cried, the pain making you fight and struggle against him as you went down to the ground. He straddled you, moving down your body, nails tearing at your collar bones and down your chest, completely tearing open your clothes and drawing blood from every inch of your skin.

That animalistic hunger inside him fed off the warm delicious taste of your skin.

"Simon-" You cried, knowing your fate was sealed. He continued to tear into your body. Snarling and hissing as blood spilled. He tore into your chest, making you scream as he broke through your ribcage and made for your heart, ripping it right out of your chest.

You choked, clawing for a last reminisce of life. Trying to cling on, to do anything. Your mind went blank and you succumb to the torture. Simon continues to eat, his hunger having been fed little by little by the slop from that tube.

The taste of your warm skin as it traveled down his raw throat was unlike anything he knew. It only grew that hunger inside him, his eyes glazing over and clouding thicker as the damage became beyond irreversible.

Pulling apart inch by inch of you and biting in to it, leaving you a bloody mess.

Blood marred all down his chin, making his face look black from the thickness of the blood. His hands covered and his nails dripping.

He could smell more of it. He snarled, getting up and slipping through the open door and down the hallway.

Growling and snarling as he went, stopping by the first door where he smelled a mix of human flesh with gunpowder and spice.

His stomach twisted in excitement as he pushes the door in, seeing the peaceful form that lay there. He moved, jumping on the bed and tearing into his once friend in his sleep.

The terrified screams of panic and pain as he tried to fight Simon off, grabbing his journal and trying hit him in the head in a desperate attempt to fight.

Simon twisted his head away, tearing into his throat and ripping his vocal chords out with the chunk of flesh, blood splattering everywhere.

Two down. Two to go.

Yes, this is immediately what I thought of when I first saw him so... yeah. It's unedited and I wrote it between taking naps so apologies if the gorification be lacking.

#simon ghost riley #call of duty #john soap mactavish #ghost x reader #simon ghost riley x reader #captain john price #zombie au #cod apocalypse au #platonic ghost x reader #not really either which way i suppose #angst #simons got your nose 🤭#simon riley #simon riley x reader #call of duty zombies

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captain-mj · 2 months

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The Journal

I don't know. Cw: Ghost's backstory

Soap found the unassuming book on his desk. The edges of the paper had turned slightly yellow and they were clearly flipped through quite often. He frowned at it, wondering who went into his room and set this there. It felt... almost threatening.

Soap gently opened the book to look at the first page.

I'm writing this journal as a "therapy" exercise. Frankly I think it's fucking bollocks. I'm fine. I dream about nothing.

Well. That wasn't very helpful. The handwriting was odd. Almost scrawling, like the person who was writing had shaky hands but also couldn't be bothered to hold the pen properly.

Soap frowned. This seemed a rather personal thing to give to a person. But it was in his room.

Just one more page.

Apparently I'm supposed to introduce myself. Fine. My name is Simon Riley. I belong to the SAS. I was a POW for a couple of months. I keep hearing numbers but none of them feel right. I think parts of me are still down there.

I hurt. Everywhere. Especially when people touch me. I can't sleep. Can barely eat. My mum is worried. So does Tommy. I want to tell them to fuck off. I have. But they keep worrying. I wonder if this is how Beth felt.

On the page was a polaroid. A baby faced Simon with nasty scars on his face, still fresh and angry. He looked half dead. Dark circles under his eyes and an expression nothing like his usual. Someone had their hand on his shoulder, but he could only see their arm.

Soap sucked in a breath. There was no way Ghost gave this to him. No fucking way.

He got up and grabbed the book, going straight for Ghost's quarters, planning on returning it immediately and pretending he had found it and couldn't find Price to turn it in.

Ghost's quarters were empty. His knives were missing, but his clothes were still there, meaning he was on a mission.

Fuck.

Soap paused and tapped his foot. He wasn't sure if Price was around. How did someone get this? If he left it in his room, he was worried someone would find it. He'd have to keep it. Just to be sure.

Soap set it back on his desk. When he saw Price, he'd talk to him.

After a minute of staring at it, Soap shoved the book into a drawer and closed it tight. He left to talk to Gaz to distract himself for a few hours.

Gaz was nice enough to tell him that Ghost and Price were on a mission together and that they wouldn't be back for a few days.

No big deal.

A few days with a book that potentially had a lot of answers to some questions he had about Ghost.

Soap didn't make it the night before he was reading more pages. He never claimed to have great self control.

Good morning. I feel like a teen, writing in a diary. I've been put on new medication today. Supposed to help. It makes me dizzy for some reason.

My mum keeps making me tea. She wants to make sure I'm real. I see her hands hovering around me. If I wasn't such a shit son, I'd tell her she can hug me. The thought makes my skin crawl. I see her dead body in my dreams. I see the skull they said was hers. I want to tell her I'm okay, but I don't want to lie.

Soap felt sick. There was a drawing. It was crude, clearly done out of boredom and with no real care behind it. Soap was pretty sure it was a skull that was dripping something. Maybe blood. The ink was all black so there was no way to tell. "Mum" was written several times around it.

I dreamed about her again.

That caught Soap's attention. Her? Was Ghost into women? That seemed unlikely.

She used to speak so soothingly in spanish to me. I wonder if she was like me. Did Roba rape her too?

Soap shut the book and shoved it under his pillow. Enough of that. Nope. He didn't want to think of those words and what they meant.

Fucking too.

No.

No...

No!

The idea of something like that happening to his Lieutenant was... It just... didn't happen.

Soap pulled the book out and kept reading. Just... to prove it wasn't real.

I don't know. It's not a nice thought. Maybe I want someone else to hurt too. I tried to jack off the other day and ended up scrubbing myself raw afterward from how it made me feel. How pathetic right?

Not sure what this is doing. What benefit this has. I'm writing my thoughts. Trying to feel better. Tommy joked about me buying a hooker. I had a panic attack. it was like i was back in high school again. fucking baby.

There was a picture of someone, presumably Tommy, and Simon hanging out. They were both smoking and Tommy was making a sign with his hands. He had a giant grin on his face. Simon had a carved out Glasgow smile that looked like it hurt. Raw. it looked to be after the earlier polaroid. The dark circles hadn't gotten better, but there was more color and flesh in his face.

My mum wants me to talk to my dad. I don't know why. I don't know want to see him. Can't let him see me right now. Maybe when I'm recovered. Last time I saw him, I beat his ass. Doubt he's going to forgive me.

Bastard is pure evil. He gets off on hurting people. Got off on hurting me. I think he's trying to use the cancer as an excuse to get close to my mum again. I'll beat his ass again. I'm putting on more weight. I'll fucking do it.

There was a little stick man drawing labeled 'Simon' and 'Bitch' with Simon beating him to death. Soap thought the blood was rather well drawn, even if the stick figures wasn't.

As the week went on, he kept reading a few pages at a time. He learned... things.

Ghost liked Vanilla tea.

Ghost had been assaulted by more than one person.

Ghost's father had beaten him. A lot.

Ghost was scared of snakes.

Ghost loved his Mum.

Ghost hated most mystery movies.

Tommy was Ghost's brother and was the second most important in his life.

And that they were all dead. All of them.

He wrote an explanation of everything there. In a clinical, harsh detail.

I wish I had died down there in Mexico. I wish I had laid down in that grave and died. It's my fault. It's my fault. It's my fault.

It kept repeating and then he had just started over and wrote over the first layer.

Soap was crying. He couldn't help it. Tommy was so... young. Not to mention the descriptions Ghost gave of his family in general. The pages after that were mostly drawings or scribbles, all made with heavy hands.

Simon knocked. He could tell by the sound he made when he knocked. "Johnny?"

"When did you get back?"

"...Just now. Can I come in?"

"Yeah." Soap wiped his face so he'd look... normal. "Yeah come in."

Ghost stepped inside and saw the book. "Enjoy it?"

"What?"

"I left it for you."

"Why?"

Ghost hummed. "Thought it would be the easiest way to let you in."

Soap swallowed. "You don't do anything half assed do you?"

Ghost's eyes stared at him. Answer enough right there.

#call of duty #call of duty modern warfare #simon ghost riley #johnny soap mactavish #call of duty modern warfare ii #cod mw2 #ghostsoap #cod #soapghost #ghoap

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hotteoki · 1 year

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signs (k.t.h.)

pairing: kang taehyun x reader (no pronouns used)

wc: 1k

warnings: profanities (swearing, cheating, arguments, threats of breaking up, gaslighting), alcohol consumption

notes: this is not meant to represent taehyun irl in any way possible! this is purely for entertainment purposes

©️ gyusangels | do not repost

"you're so pathetic," taehyun ran a hand through his hair, sucking in deep breaths through his gritted teeth. "is that all you have to fucking say? after i've given you more than enough chances to fix your shit? are you fucking serious right now, taehyun?" you scoffed, not quite believing the words coming out of his mouth. "i didn't fucking ask you to!"

he wasn't wrong.

you should've left him the first time he cheated on you. and the next. and the next. and probably the next five times.

but you loved him too much. besides, your relationship wasn't always like this.

two years ago, when taehyun was your new seatmate. he had been extremely shy at first, always keeping to himself and not looking anyone in the eye, until you introduced yourself with your hand stretched out, which he took without hesitation.

you spent the next several months getting told off for not paying attention, and for chatting too much with taehyun, but neither of you cared all that much. it was almost as if it was just the two of you in your own world.

you thought you had found yourself a good friend, and you had been ecstatic when he asked you out a few months later. he would take you out on dates every day after school, letting you drag him around with a lovesick smile on his face. taehyun would be your number one supporter. always. he gave you the comfort you had been looking for all your life, and provided you with a safe zone to stay in.

one year later, in that very july, he held a party. it was the first time he ever hosted one. he hadn't wanted to, but his sister convinced him it would be fun. that was when your relationship took a turn for the worst. he didn't cling to your arm, staring at others with wide eyes like he usually did in parties; he lingered around the girls outside of school, their bodies a bit too close together for your liking. you had ignored the signs.

he spent the next week ignoring you at school, leaning over other girls' desks to talk to them, rather than you. even kai, who you weren't all that close with, approached you with a worried expression, asking if you and taehyun were okay. you had forced a small smile on your face, responding that everything was alright. he gave you a look, saying he didn't believe you, but he wouldn't push you, offering a chance for you to talk to him if you wanted to. and so you did.

a month later or so, you found yourself being close friends with kai, which was how you knew something was wrong when he pulled you aside after school. you felt your heart shatter when he told you he caught taehyun kissing another girl and leading her to his dorm.

you kept denying it, giving excuses for taehyun and convincing yourself kai was mistaken, but it was too obvious. you knew taehyun didn't want you anymore, you weren't stupid, but you were selfish. if he wasn't going to break up with you, then neither were you. deep down, you knew you were just hoping things would go back to the way they were. before the stupid party.

you had confronted him, as he admitted what he had done and promising to never do it again, because you were the only one he truly loved, and that none of the other girls could ever compare.

and you fell for it.

every. single. time.

you were honestly surprised with yourself. your wishful thinking was so strong you truly believed that he didn't want anyone else but you.

which was how you ended up in his dorm, arms crossed, glassy-eyed, phone with evidence in your clenched hands. "look, i don't know what you want from me! you said it yourself! you've forgiven me so many times and still, you get surprised when the day ends with us yelling at each other!" if taehyun wasn't mad at first, his tone made it clear he was now. you had to physically dig your fingernails into your palms to control yourself from punching him in the face.

"fine, then let's break up, since you wanted to break up so badly, taehyun-" before you could continue, taehyun's glaring eyes shot up. his gaze was so cold you felt your body shrink subconsciously. "don't call me that," was all he said. "what, your name?" you sneered. he titled his head, daring you to continue, "yeah, my name. call me tae, or tyun, but you, of all people, are not calling me by my full name. and we're not breaking up."

you stared at him incredulously, "excuse me? what do you mean we're not breaking up? you're the one who said you wanted to." "i never said i wanted to break up! i just said you're being fucking annoying and clingy!" "oh, i'm sorry! i didn't know getting upset over my boyfriend cheating on me was clingy? let me just shut up and let you fuck every girl in the school, yeah?" you tugged on your sleeve discreetly. no matter how much you told yourself you hated him in this moment, you knew you still loved him, and yelling at him pained you.

"sure, go do that! you didn't seem to have any issue with that the last few times!" "fuck, taehyun! what do you want from me?!" your tears were overflowing and your cheeks were getting wet. he visibly softened at your sobs, "don't... don't do that. don't cry." "leave me alone, i'll cry if i want to cry," you turned away from him, embarassed.

"you know i still love you. seeing you cry hurts me," taehyun's voice wavered. "do i? do i know that? cause you seem to have no issues with going around with every girl who breathed in your direction." you heard his footsteps coming nearer, what you didn't expect, though, was his arms wrapping around your form, his chin resting on top of your head. he let out a defeated sigh.

"you have no idea just how much i love you."

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hekateinhell · 1 month

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I just need to get something off my chest real quick, there's really no need to read this unless you want to because you're bored lmao.

So I used to be really good at answering the asks I got. I wouldn't say I answered all of them, but I think overall I had a good ratio for a long time! And I loved it! I think the asks feature is the best thing that tumblr has to offer as a social media platform (god knows just about everything else sucks).

I loved getting asks and answering them and it's a great way to talk to others in our little fandom bubbles and trade thoughts and insights with one another. My mental health did take quite a few hits in the past several months, and part of that was real life (school, sickness, death in the family) and part of that was bullshit fandom drama.

But it just occurred to me yesterday that the reason I'm nowhere near as prolific in answering the asks I get is because I have always put so much effort into putting disclaimers behind all my meta, walking on eggshells so people won't throw tantrums every time I share an opinion they don't like.

And you know what? That just made me an nervous, erratic person afraid of her own tumblr shadow. The thought of having to do all the work to put ten thousand disclaimers behind everything I say so some asshole won't vague me because I accidentally hurt their feelings just made me not want to reply to anything at all. It's fucking exhausting having to think of every scenario in which people might interpret whatever you're saying (about fictional characters may I remind you) in the worst light possible.

In the end all that time and effort I put into censoring myself—because I try to be a nice person, I don't want anyone to feel bad because of me, regardless of the fact that that's been never my intention—in the end none of that mattered! There's people that have been vaguing me for almost two years now and it's not like I go seeking out this information but it's a small fandom and I stumble over it on another blog or some shit every once in a while.

Agonizing over whether or not some random is going to interpret everything I say in the worst possible faith and have a fit on main about my shit takes and make a block list of people who interact with my posts is just so stupid honestly, and trying to censor myself didn't do me a shred of good. People still regularly call me names and insult my intelligence because of the characters I ship, the meta I write, and the kinks I enjoy talking about. It doesn't even matter if I've been active recently or not, they're still mad about stuff I said ages ago! I can't win!

So from now on I'm just to do my best to break this depressing old habit and be online without being apologetic and diminishing my own opinions, answer asks however the hell I want without feeling obligated to coddle a bunch of grown ass adults, and if people want to cry about it, there's a box of tissues in the corner. Go nuts. ♥️

#apologies for exposing myself on main as being a person and not three raccoons in a trenchcoat #i miss being on my blog the way i used to be that was a great time 🤧#i'm sure this post will end up vagued too rip but literally i do not care anymore #if you're going to let little old me get under your skin that much then i might as well make myself at home #hekate.txt #fandom wank

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moonsghostwriter · 4 months

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I was listening to Spotify and got the idea for this

Being a singer under Gideon's record label and getting sick of him mistreating you and taking advantage of your fame for his own greediness

(inspired by Season 2, Episode 7 of Helluva Boss where Fizzarolli quits working for Mammon and sings a whole song about it, yeah reader sings that in this)

(I'm so sorry but I actually enjoy fics where the reader sings, unless it's at a cringey time or a really cringey song)

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You stood in your dressing room as you got ready for your feature on a late night television show as a musical guest. This one was your most important one yet, which meant Gideon—who acted as your manager, but was really the owner the label you were under—was going to be there. You knew he also was the head of some evil league, but that didn't really concern you, though you had met the members several times. You'd really hit it off with Roxy, becoming instant best friends, and she supported everything you did.

However having been working with him for almost 5 years now, you had gotten to your brink of dealing with his abuse and mistreatment. So, tonight you had a very special song prepared for your performance. Roxy was in the audience too to cheer you on, and she was sitting near Gideon so she could watch his reaction for you, knowing you'd want the hilarious details later.

A sly smile spread across your face as you walked onto the stage, watching to the live audience and to the cameras. "Here's [Y/N] with H-" The host read the announcement before being cut off by a stagehand who whispered in his ear. ".. Two Minutes Notice!" The host bit his lip as he read the name of the new song. Gideon leaned forward in his spot, narrowing his eyes. This wasn't the song you two had agreed upon.

"I have wasted time, I have seen my use. I have packaged and sold every part of me, suffered a lifetime of abuse. I have lost myself, I have worshipped at your feet. And here I am standing on top of the world with some bitches to defeat." The song starts and you act out the words, feeling yourself get weak under the pressure if this went horribly, horribly wrong.

"I've played the game, I've won it all. They've screamed my name, they bought the doll. I've seized the day, now I've got one thing left to say, hey, hey! Fuck you! Here's my two minutes notice! Fuck you! Time to quit and smell the roses! Say goodbye, while I look you in the eye and say fuck you!" You sing and dance on stage, still worried yet trying to act confident.

"Jeez, I'd hate to be the guy who that song's about." Gideon says, laughing to himself. Roxy leans back in her chair, looking at him with a quirked eyebrow.

"It's you." She says simply before moving back to her spot and watching you with a smile.

"Yeah, right." Gideon rolls his eyes with a cocky smile, of course he didn't believe Roxy, you loved working with him! He was your idol!

"I have taken shit, been crushed under your heel. I have suffered for profit and suckered for fame, made a fortune you could steal. I've had enough, I've hit the wall. I'm tired of taking your calls. It ends today, now there's just one last thing to say! Fuck you! I wish I'd said it sooner, fuck you! Cut you off just like a tumor! Hope you die! Kiss my ass goodbye, you cuck! Fuck you!" You flip off the audience, spotting Gideon and making sure to look him right in the eyes as you blatantly insult him. He grips the armrests on the chair, fuming with anger as he sits and stares, shellshocked almost at your audacity.

"Have you ever felt sick and tired of doing the same shit everyday with your anger brewing? Eating shit for a boss that you're sick of obeying. If you ever felt the same let me hear you say,

Did you really think I was gonna stay spending life bent over with your fist in my a-? Slander me, say I'll never work in this town, if I stick around I'll be six more feet under the ground! Fuck you! Suck it greedy bastard! You're a stupid ass clown! Say goodbye, too late to apologize! So this is it, Gideon you sad sack of shit! Fuck you!" You finish the song leaving the crowd unsure whether to cheer or be worried, however Roxy was cheering like crazy while Gideon sat fuming in his seat. You smile proudly and leave the stage, going back to your dressing room, not caring Gideon would probably barge in soon to confront you.

He couldn't control you or your passion anymore. You were free, and you were happy

#gideon graves #fanfiction #sillyposting #not super serious tbh #helluva boss #reader is fed up #scott pilgrim #roxy richter #dont take this too seriously

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kimyoonmiauthor · 2 months

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Koreans swear

Being Korean and all, I know for a fact that Koreans swear. Haha. Our swearing is probably more colorful that English swearing, and I'd probably put our creativity with swearing second behind Russia.

I was told by SOMEONE NOT KOREAN, OMG, why do subtitles with Koreans have swearing in it, because clearly Koreans can't swear. LOL

TT Are you confusing us with Japanese people? I've taken Japanese and swears soften in the language over time. The only true swear word I could find when leafing through a Japanese dictionary one time was a word for "dick" basically, but it was labeled "antiquated"

There is Baka and Aho, (aho is a shortening of asshole) and this is about the best you can do in Japanese. and aho in Japanese means more like "a bit temporarily dumb." "daft" is probably a good equivalent. And it's used effectionally too. (depending on where you are" I know, someone is going to say "But, but Shimatta" Haha. Only in anime. It's only anime speak. I've been told over and over again by Japanese who giggle and laugh at the idea that word is used in everyday life.

Korean... there is a whole movie that never got translated about a Korean swearing contest, where this grandmother is caught swearing by a pond, and then gets onto a game show to win money to come up with the most colorful swears. It's hilarious—if you understand Korean.

Korean swearing is more colorful than Thailand, Japan and China. (I checked with Pinoy too... and yeah, more colorful than the Philippine languages my friends knew of...) It's so bad that swear words and slang that were in Naver have been excised, which I find hilarious. Korea is so deadset that international people won't learn the level of Korean swearing, they are willing to take it out of Naver's dictionary.

And the common swear words you know–that's only the tip of the iceberg there. Haha.

When a country gets invaded so many freaking times, you're going to invent swear words.

The upside of Korean swear words is not only are they colorful, but often they aren't particularly sexist, racist, etc. Occasionally tied to food... but lol Good luck finding them. They've gotten deleted from popular dictionaries.

Also, BTW, Koreaboos suck, because they are willing to lecture at Koreans about how Koreans don't produce BL media at all, OMG, and you know what "Homosexuals" don't exist in Korea because that was an import or something. And OMG, I just wanted to relax with Korean dramas and not talk about politics (have you watched Korean dramas????? Almost every single last drama is political in some way.) And OMG, why are you, a Korean, talking about politics—we never quit. We're still engaged in politics? Oh and Koreans don't really swear and stuff because you know, Asians are always polite like the depiction in the super racist Madame Butterfly.

Also, OMG, why are you soooo upset when I say Kon'nichiwa, Chingus on videos.

Like Chingu-deul is so hard to remember and shit. And why do I have to use "friend". You are so mean for reminding me that Japan occupied Korea and Koreans are still upset about that. I mean, Holocaust doesn't mean anything, clearly, Jews are over that so why can't you Koreans be over that and my daughter's friend when she went to China was married to someone Korean, so clearly there are NO problems between Korea and China, because you see the majority of Koreans in China HAVE to be South Korean, not North Korean. You are mean for talking real facts.

There is a Korean swear word for half-ethnicity... but that's about as severe as you can get. TT The Korean ranking system.

When I was in South Korea... Appa called me Kongjunim, but also three swear words, probably thinking I didn't understand. lol This is why Gyeongsangnamdo people get their reputations...

#Yo Koreans swear #haha Koreans are censoring swear words from Koreaboo #don't confuse East Asian countries?#Koreaboo nonsense #Koreaboo

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what-the-fuck-god · 1 year

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day 363/?

so i have a pretty major life update.

i broke up with my partner.

tl;dr: it got toxic and then abusive, and i'm no longer moving out

i broke up with them several weeks ago now, and i've just been dealing with all of the effects of that since then. i'm currently on no contact (or really the least amount of contact possible bc school n shit) and it's been like?? the best thing ever honestly??? i feel so fantastic for the first time in a while??? they treated me like shit to say the least.

but it also like fucking sucks bc like, someone who i had been dating for like almost 2 years now is just someone that i actually hate now which is so wild to me like? i loved you more than anything in this life and now you just suck. like you really fucking suck and i'm so angry and i want to scream at you about all the shit that i tolerated from you but that's not healthy so i'm not going to.

i kept quite for so long about how i was being treated because they just kept telling me that it would get better when i moved in with them and looking back it was such a red flag.

essentially i would've moved from one abusive situation into another. which sucks to realize. it sucks to know that i missed so much or i just told myself that it would get better.

i wont go into much more detail here, i might reflect back on our relationship here someday, but i don't want to share much right now.

so how this effects my future

i wont be moving out with them, but it's not the worst thing in the world.

I was so extremely unhappy in that relationship and i refused to acknowledge it for the longest time. i was desperate to hold onto my first love.

but now i'm doing fantastic. i already have plans to move out with my best friend (who's also pimo) within the next year. i've been reconnecting with so many of my friends that i had gotten distanced from because of my ex.

so many more opportunities have opened up for me now that i've broken up with them. i'm going to be taking a year before i go to university now so that i can find myself again. i lost so much of myself due to my ex and now i'm going to get that back.

i thought i would be destraught beyond repair if my ex and i broke up, but actually i'm doing better than ever (which is insane given my life situation). i see a much better future ahead of me now, and i still plan to continue to bring y'all with me and show you.

i will heal from this and become better than ever

thank you for reading <3

feel free to send asks- i love getting them

-casey

#ex jw #cult survivor #ex cult #pimo #ex christian #ex jehovah's witness #exjw #pimo jw #wtf god update #tw abuse mention #abuse mention

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bleakbluejay · 7 months

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man, fatphobia sucks so bad. and it's so needless.

i've been on "diets" and been scolded by adult figures in my life since i was 7. 7 years old. 7. and, not that it matters, but even despite being disabled, i was a very athletic kid. i was very athletic up until my amputation at age 13. i played water polo and i swam laps and i ran around and climbed when i could. but you know what this obsession with my weight and dieting did to me at the age of 7? it gave me an eating disorder. i developed binge eating disorder. and i would hoard food and hide it and overeat. and i still have trouble with this now all these years later.

i would hear my grandmother talk about my "thunder thighs" long before i ever hit puberty. just because i had a bit more baby fat than most. i'd hear about how big my butt was. i'd have my soft, near-flat belly compared to a watermelon. i'd be forced to walk past the limits of my disabled body because, to them, i "needed it". (and by the way, i have osteoporosis, and i've broken my femurs three times, once just by walking when i was about 10...) it's no wonder i'd steal and hide and hoard food, when eating anything, anything, would warrant a lecture.

i like healthy food. i love vegetables and lean meats. i strongly dislike most sweets, and would place cake as one of my least favorite foods. but i've had to hear all my life about how i should "quit eating cake" and i should "try eating a salad for once". i love salad what the fuck are you people talking about

but you know what? it shouldn't even matter what i eat. it shouldn't matter if i'm chubby or i'm fat. god built me stocky. this is the way nature thinks i should be shaped when eating a healthy diet and getting exercise, it makes sense i'd be bigger when i can't exercise or afford to eat healthy.

when i'm sick, and lord am i sick often, i have extra padding to take care of me when i hemorrhage weight and can't eat. i've had this come in handy twice, during occasions where i've lost 20+ lbs in a few weeks from illness. i'm relatively healthy minus the pre-existing disabilities. for all fatphobes talk about how "worried" they are for me, what they don't realize is that... i'm actually fine. and yes it is fucked up that when i lose 20lbs from vomiting and shitting everything i eat for a month straight, they compliment how i've lost weight and how much healthier i must be. and yes, i know, it's wild someone who is 300 lbs isn't dying of heart disease. i'm fine. i'm anemic, and i have a vitamin d deficiency, and i'm otherwise fine. no, i don't have diabetes, stop asking. i lost my leg to a severe staph infection that almost killed me, not to diabetes. stop fucking asking.

who the fuck cares if i'm fat? really. honest to god. fatness isn't a measure of morality. i'm not a bad person for looking the way that i do. i'd like to lose weight, bc it would make finding pants easier, it'd be easier on my joints, and because i am aware of the health risks that might occur. but like. outside of society thinking i'm disgusting (and believe me, this gets in my head CONSTANTLY, as a fat person, as a disabled person, as a trans person)... there's nothing really wrong with me. i'm a good person. i don't need a scale to tell me that.

#eli talks #vent #cw body issues/eating disorders/etc #fuck fatphobia. for real man #if you give a 7yo an eating disorder you should kill yourself

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elirandom · 6 months

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Rules: List 8 tv shows for your followers to get to know you!

1. A selection of movies I rewatched so many times I wore out the VHS tapes. The Terminator 1984 (when T2 came Linda Hamilton blew me away), Platoon 1986, Aliens 1986 & Die Hard 1988. It's a lot of bonding strangers to survive, h/c, antiheroes or plain charismatic bad guys, hypothermia or fever, there was only one bed and bantering. The original wet rat blorbos. Also if it's not bloody obvious I had such crushes on Bruce Willis ,Tom Berenger and Michael Biehn, I watched so many bad 80s-90s movies because of them.

2. Wait a minute, TV shows, not MOVIES. My bad, I'm keeping nr 1 as is anyway. Hmm, I always list Hannibal or Buffy tVS/Angel tS whenever I do this so I'm gonna try to list something else that's major loves. So, Miami Vice 1984-1989. Baby me had such a crush on Don Johnson you could see it from space. Adult me gets it, bought the box & rewatches it from time to time, incl writing fic but never anything going somewhere.

3. The Expanse. It's probably a very obvious choice if you ever looked around my corner of Tumblr but I want more people to post about it so. Amos (my favorite pansexual murderbear), Holden (who gave me the Captaincy? Holy shit. How can I fix everything while also being stubborn and chaotic) Naomi (I live with my choices every day but I've got a new life here to do something with & I'll defend it with everything). OT3. Sometimes I want something of poly where Naomi & Drummer (dragon in the shape of a woman, a hoarding underdog with so much fight in her belly) gets to be happy too. But that's just to name a few, it's not often I'm so very invested in so many characters in a show but they all have arcs and space to exist. Unfortunately one of the mains isn't clicking with me at all so the first season took me a while to find all the gold.

4. 9-1-1; besides the love I have for the firefam I'm completely sucked into the grumpy one is soft for the sunshine one. And the sunshine one is a golden retriever who's loyal to a fault and just needs food and love. While the grumpy one finds that letting the sunshine in makes life a helluva lot easier even if both of them almost dies a lot.

5. Hawaii 5-0. Talking about grumpy and sunshine. These two fit the bill too, they just can't decide who's who depending on the day and the drama. Danny's usually the negative one always predicting chaos. But Steve tends to be tortured or have shitty family secrets so his sunshine isn't that shiny all the time. But they're brilliant at bickering about everything which kinda gets them even. Instead they're great at hugs and saying I love you. I despise several plotlines but I can't quit them (I couldn't find a gif that includes Danny saying "Stop looking at me like that" in this scene but alas)

6. Stargate Atlantis, my first team turned into family, and my one and only OT4. McShep was my biggest fave, but i enjoyed team!fic just as much as OT4 fic. Reluctant leader with slinky hips and no self-preservation, paired with a smartass with a big mouth who always came through, a smarter woman who didn't get to kick people in the balls enough and stoic warrior who actually was the puzzle piece missing and more than meets the eye. They're a comfort fandom.

7. Due South. A weird cute soft series I didn't know had a fandom until after it was finished in early 2000s. And then I fell into fic (I never got to see the Ray wars up close luckily) and read so much by Speranza among many more. I've rewatched it a few times, esp if I'm home sick it's a comfort show.

I ran out of allowed gifs😭. Well, fuck.

8. Criminal Minds. I've rewatched this show many times because it's something about catching the bad guys and solving the case all neatly tied up. Another show I love but is even sadder and more horrible is Oz because happy ends doesn't exist because humanity is rotten and we pay for our choices. But it's so good I sometimes wanna rewatch it, I bought the DVD box. But then I remember how much I cried at certain eps, like the brothers and I don't. But sometimes it's good to cry over fictional characters.

#elirandom #fandom

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doctor-amazing · 10 months

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I used to work at a burger joint a while back.

You know, the new one smack dab in the middle of downtown, right by Sixth and the Main? When it wasn't hell, it was almost a cozy job. But it was hell most of the time, between unruly customers and misfunctioning equipment and the occasional misfire between even my coworkers.

This story is about one of them, actually, but not just yet.

My buddy hadn't gotten off his shift yet, and the rest of the posse were all strapped into my old Silver Bullet, '98 and free. Or, at least, that's about all it was worth— maybe even less. More, I suppose, if I had to give someone money to take it off my hands?

We made it to the park we were aiming for, likely narrowly avoiding death several times along the way, but a bottle of lukewarm Jack was being passed around the backseat, and my stereo was far too loud for me to feel anything but wholly comfortable.

The night was cool, if a bit dark; the only thing holding back my normal sense of foreboding from the quite wooded park was the fact that we were a whole gang, after all. That, and the boozy attitudes from my friends, which granted a bit of levity to anything we attended to.

I stomped up the compacted dirt path, scraping a bit away with my boots with every step. Satisfying. Familiar. One of my friends was right beside me, and we were shooting the shit over something inane, while the two behind us were a gulp of air and two seconds worth of a stop from making out with one another.

Perhaps, what I'm trying to illustrate here is the idyllic feeling of summer, wouldn't you say? At least, my idyllic feeling of summer. Freshly nineteen, an apartment of my own, and no chance of being dragged back into work for at least two more days... That was idyllic.

We made it to the top of the hill together, and the two in the back managed to reign in their passions long enough to pack the peace pipe. I only took it from the rotation once, but a deep breath was quite enough to take the edge off, for the moment.

In almost any other case, I'd lament being unable to recall the conversation, but knowing how it was back then? We'd have a collection of two or three quips out of a full hour's conversation, and the rest would be babble.

The time was eleven at night, and it had become considerably colder. The peace pipe had long been burned down and emptied, and the edge was coming back strong. Were I bolder, and less responsible, perhaps what was to come next would have turned out differently. Probably for the worse, so I'm thankful for my restraint here.

The group slowly did the Thing. One stands up, the rest stand up in near-unison, and all subconsciously recognize that it's time to go without saying a word. A cascade of footfalls echoed against the rocky side of the path as we tromped back downwards. It was getting downright nippy, and I pulled my jacket closed when the wind began to pick up enough to induce a chill.

Eventually, we made it back to the area beside the road— a clearing stretching about fifty feet, or so. I've kept hold of this detail because I have a habit of doing head-counts on my wonderful little drunkies, and I counted an extra.

Now, back to the burger shop! It was quite the rotating-door sort of place; the management sucked ass, and employees were more expendable than a piece of wax paper to them. Still, because of how much they sucked, it was quite easy to get away with a lot of bullshit. A small wonder it was, then, when an infrequent coworker of mine showed up to work shitfaced out of his skull.

I can't pretend even I'm innocent of the crime, but this wasn't just an edge case, nor even a regrettable reality; this was downright brazen! He could barely stand, and swayed across the kitchen. Another coworker of mine called our manager, and the situation was sorted before long. That is to say, he was told to leave, and the poor coworker was left alone in the kitchen.

The leaving then turned quickly into a more permanent sort of leave— an entirely expected one, honestly. He'd never been the most diligent worker, and I can't say I terribly liked him, anyway. That was what I thought would be the last of him, barring an occasion in which he showed up for New Year's Eve to order some food from the window, before disappearing once more into the night.

Imagine my surprise when, as I'm pondering my apparent miscount, we step out into the lamplight from the street and I recognize his face. At least, I recognize his facial features— his demeanor was not himself, and the face he was making was positively... alien, I'd describe it as?

Imagine one of those Grayys pop culture is so fond of, and put a mouth on 'im. That's the facial expression we're working with. It was extraordinarily off putting, and I call him out tentatively. The rest of the group is initially slow to react, but when they realize, the banter comes to such a sudden stop it's as if a gunshot had interrupted it.

The group edges backwards towards my car, and I pass my buddy the keys. My "coworker's" eyes are boggling at the old Silver Bullet, and then land slowly, sedately back upon me.

A few beats pass, and the group closes most of the distance while I "hold" him here with a few placating words.

What are you doing out here, buddy? I ask him this almost rhetorically, already convinced there's something horrifically amiss here. This coworker was bombastic and loud before, and now he's uncharacteristically and almost unnaturally silent.

I'm not sure there's enough space to fit all of us.

The way he says it is confused, and he uses a little bit more of his lips than he needs to. It feels like one of those English dubs of Japanese films where the audio and the video aren't quite synced. He's almost chewing on his words here.

I begin to edge backwards. I hear behind me, some distance back, words spoken softly yet frantically.

Get in the car. Get in the fucking car.

The night is so quiet, I can hear the rustle of fabric onto my car's seats, and the slam of one of the doors is like a firework into the night.

Where are we going?

It asks me, finally making eye contact, like it had stumbled upon what it was supposed to be doing after all. I tell him something about how I'm gonna go now, and made some sort of useless inquiry about where his friends were about now.

At this point, I've closed the distance, and my friends are packed into the car. He's still advancing in that slow, steady, yet still swaying pace that neatly matches mine. My buddy's already turned the key in the ignition, and as I step around the hood to get into the driver's side, the headlights weakly illuminate both of us.

Where do I get in?

I don't bother to answer him, as his lazy eyes begin to take on a sense of purpose. There's a feeling in the air that's hard to describe, even now, even distant— it sends ice down my veins to try to recall it, even, but in a way, it was like how I'd imagined Texan Standoffs to always be.

I slowly click my door open, and in one smooth motion, swing around the door and slide into my seat. I jab at the lock, and the door obliges with a reassuring thunk.

It stands in front of the car's headlights, and I can see it's jaws flapping. To this day, I wonder what it was trying to convince me of, but there was a fury in its eyes. Whether just my memory, or reality, it seemed to be warping before my eyes. The stereo turned on at that moment, snapping me out of it and cutting off whatever tangent it was going on.

I flipped the car into reverse, and slowly began backing away. With newfound safety came a sense of disbelief, and I wasn't fulling committed to railing outta there until my eyes rested once more upon its form. The wheels squealed loudly, and then we were gone.

Later, we recounted the tale to my best friend, whom we were picking up from work. He posited that the coworker was surely just on some drugs, or something, but I knew that it... It, was more than that. As the memory faded, the absolute certainty of all of my friends of what happened that night began to fade. Even now, I question myself.

I write this now to steel that certainty, now and for what I hope are forever. I never was able to track down the coworker, nor had his friends heard from him. I asked around the police station for the camera records they had off a light pole nearby, but they told me to get lost.

I know I saw something that night. But, more worrying... I know that it saw me.

I still never go to that park alone, over two years later. Hard to put a finger on it, but it feels like something's watching me.

#doctor night terrors #skinwalker #horror #psychological horror #horror fiction

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notablytrustableindividual · 10 months

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Band Rants #2 - Far Caspian

Sorry for the delay for the 0.63 people who care, the last week has been not great, and I've been barely holding on. As I write this, it is 2:53 am on a Saturday, and I'm drinking tap water out of a Nicholas Cage mug in the dark.

Anyways, back to music.

There were several bands in somewhat similar styles I almost wrote about instead. Slaughter Beach, Dog and their transformation from Midwest Emo to Indie Rock to Folk (The reverse Wilco, as I like to call it) or Peach Pit, who did something similar with an odd yet fun discography. In a more pop vein, I also considered Rotel Otis, who I started listening to when they were on the Fresh Finds playlist, and whose ability to pump out fun single after fun single confuses me to this day.

But instead I settled on Far Caspian, a band that is a bit harder to pin down. So what is Far Caspian, and why should you care about them?

First, Far Caspian is an Indie Rock/Pop Project led by Irish multi instrumentalist Joel Johnston, who has released 3 Eps, and a full length Album. Their first Ep, Between Days, cane out in 2018. The Heights followed in 2019, and their first full length Album, Ways To Get Out, dropped in 2021.

I am not mincing words when I say Far Caspian is some of the most relaxing, aesthetically pleasing music I've ever heard. Listening Between Days feels like lying on top of a ridge and staring out, relaxed. It's music that makes everything feel fine, even when it's not.

Of course, I will admit some bias in this. Far Caspian has been comfort music for me for years now. I used to sit in the library of my school during lunch, surrounded by ornate carved bookshelves and wearing a beat to shit pair of headphones, rushing through my 5th period AP Euro homework as Far Caspian played, keeping me from panicking even more. The example of me laying on a ridgeline isn't just metaphor either. I've done it before (I highly recommend it, it's very relaxing)

While the 2018 EP is mostly acoustic, 2019's The Heights branches out a bit. Some synth and piano show up, adding some variety to the instrumentals. Each song on The Heights also feels just that little bit more unique. Of course, I'm biased in this matter. The slightly faster guitar and simple drum line if Conversations lives rent free in my head.

(I can effortlessly sing along to it by the way, it's my second most played song of all time)

Yes, I'm aware this is a bit cursed.

Either way, the Heights contains some of the best sounding guitar lines I've ever heard. It's just unfathomably relaxing to me. Of course, the lyrics and drums are also pretty good. When talking lyrics, I would be stupid to not mention A Dream Of You. (You should listen)(please?)

This song is Far Caspian's most popular, and it earns it. The lyrics live rent free in my head, expressing longing for someone else's presence beautifully. The slow, calm guitars and passive drumline even have a little beat drop in the instrumental breakdown towards the end. It is probably one of my favorite beat drops ever. Even with its slow pace, the song has this way of sucking you in. I enjoy it quite a lot. The melody holds a special place in my heart.

In 2021, Far Caspian released their first full length Album, and it was quite a pivot. It's atmospheric and plodding. The music is still gorgeously composed, but there's a very prevalent sadness throughout. If you've listened to the previous songs I'd recommended listening to and enjoyed them, I can't guarantee you'll enjoy the album as well.

Of course, the album has its high points. For me, the most standout tracks were right at the start and end. House is by far one of the most complex songs Far Caspian has ever made. It starts out with a simpke guitar riff, and builds, until its soothing saxophone, combined with its other myriad instruments make the songs climax just transcendent for me.

Of course, they have one more Ep which came out a few days before I wrote all this. Its similar to the 2021 release in a lot of ways. That being said, the closer on the 4 song ep, Arbitrary Task, just sucks me into a trance. It's noisy, strumming guitars, combined with an omnipresent drum line, whittles at the senses a bit, until the comparative quiet of the bridge snaps you back to reality.

Of course, like every band, they also have a large catalouge of singles.

I'd recommend the alternate version of Conversations (Shocking, I know) and Holding On, which is thier first ever song.

Overall, Far Caspian is a band that can be both gentle, and calming, as well as rough andmelancholic. Whatever sound they have though, they are always heartfelt. They remind me of Turnover and Real Estate in a lot of ways. To quote someone else's review of Real Estate, "This is a band fotlr those who can chill to the max"

Between Days (2018) - 8.4/10

The Heights (2019) - 9.3/10

Ways to Get Out (2021) - 6.5/10

Pet Architect (2023) - 5.5/10

#indie music #my shitty reviews #god this week is going to kill me #their song Sun Room is also pretty good #indie pop #far caspian #Spotify

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anathegoblin · 1 year

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Behind Closed Doors (Levi x Hange × Reader)

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Warnings: very fuckin filthy um, detailed smut, threesome, fem! Bodied reader(they/them pronouns used), reader has slightly stronger feelings towards Hange, oral, degrading, spanking, fingering, creampie unprotected,(PRACTICE SAFE INTERCOURSE PLS), and lotssss of smut

Minors DNI bro I've warned yall

Enjoy lol

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"What do you think we should do with this brat, four eyes?" Levi scowled, a small smirk on his lips as he cornered you in his room. He was short, yes- but his intimidating gaze made your knees buckle, sinking in and making you smaller under him.

Hange sighed, crossing a leg over the other. She was sitting on his desk, shirt unbuttoned halfway and hair let down. "You know they like to watch or hear us from outside the door... they're so damn desperate- it's surprising. How about we be a little generous, eh? Bet they'd like a show." She looked straight at you, gaze burning a spark inside you. Her eyes narrowed, a devilish grin blooming on her face.

God, no wonder you loved her more than you loved Levi.

And Hange could tell so, too.

You loved both of them, not just either. But it seemed as if your feelings were stronger towards the brunette. Just her gaze was making butterflies dance in your stomach.

"Hm." Levi said, still hovering over you, "if it is how you state it, a show would be torturous.. they'd be in a mess by the end- just trying to satisfy themselves as well..." your heart was thudding so loud, it felt as if it was going to jump right out- and possibly, smack Levi right in the face.

Hange got down from the desk, walking towards the both of you. "Move." She growled briefly, pushing Levi away from you. "Tch-" he hissed, stumbling off- but his eyes widened the moment she grabbed your wrists, leaning ahead and crashing her lips onto yours in a heated kiss.

You gasped, too overwhelmed to kiss back immediately.

It was happening. Hange was kissing you- a passionate, whole hearted kiss.

You almost passed out, but Hange pinned you to the wall, tilting her head to deepen the kiss and pushing herself as humanly close to you as possible, almost grinding her hips with yours. You came back to your senses after a while, entangling a hand into her messy yet soft hair, other arm wrapping around her waist to hold her close as you kissed back.

Her lips were soft, just like the petals of cherry blossoms. Hange was a tall and lean, sun kissed beauty with brown hair and brown eyes that sparkled with cheeriness. When she didn't smell like shit- that was, when she didn't bathe for days, she smelled like sunflowers- and the warm summer days.

The kiss soon turned into a make out session, hange grunting quietly as she skillfully explored your warm cavern with her wet appendage.

Lack of oxygen soon forced her to pull away, sucking in a sharp breath as you both gasped heavily to catch your breaths. You nearly went cross eyed, a string of saliva connecting you both still- hair slightly messier than before and kiss swollen lips, cheeks ablaze. You just hummed softly, blinking several times. "They taste sweet.." Hange whispered, loud enough for Levi to hear. For a moment you forgot Levi was there.

He rolled his eyes, " hm. Seems like just this got them stupid. Tsk- look at them. They look like a dumb idiot."

You did look like a dumb idiot. You were lost in your own cloud of happiness, not being able to get over the fact that you just kissed the person of your dreams. It felt magical.

You were so lost, you didn't notice the other two glancing at each other, exchanging smirks. They both started undressing, climbing onto the bed. You just gawked at them, staring as the clothes were tossed aside- giving you a view of their perfect figurines.

Hange's waist and legs- so slender, yet so well built and toned. Her light tanned skin glowing, quite a many battle scars littered across her body. Her sculpted abdomen, slight outlines of her abs showing. She undid her binder too- her perky breasts, small but so perfect for her body. Her soft, slightly parted pink lips, brown orbs shining and hair puffy, touching her shoulders- fringes falling over her forehead as she smiled at you.

She was a goddess in your eyes.

A work of marvelous art; as if God had picked up a paintbrush and with beautiful, soft strokes, painted an angel to descend to the human world.

Of course, Levi wasn't anything less.

Levi was a perfect example of masculine grace. He was quite more built than the scientist; muscular legs, arms and torso. His chiseled jawline, Adam's apple bobbing slightly as he tilted his head back. His smooth, soft raven hair in an undercut- eyes trailing down, your gaze fell on his sculpted chest and abdomen- he had battle scars too. His tapering steel eyes watching you, almost unnoticeable yet distinctive smirk on his thin lips.

He still had his boxers on, though- a perceptible bulge poking from inside the clothing.

He was breathtaking.

There they were- humanity's strongest and humanity's smartest; the two people you always fantasized about and deeply loved.. sitting infront of you, completely bare- as if for you to admire their physical beauty.

"Strip."

"Huh?" Levi's voices snapped you out of your thoughts.

"Strip, sweetheart." Hange repeated for him, adding that sweet nickname at the end which made you blush, eventually obey. You took the jacket off, then the gear harness- you weren't wearing all of it, so there wasn't much to take off. Shirt, belt, boots, trousers- till you were left in your undergarments.

They both took a while to look you up and down, eyes scanning your perfect, pretty body. "Come here." As always, Levi's brief way with words. You walked to them, climbing onto the bed. Hange ran her hands up your hips, and stomach, before gently pushing you back on the soft mattress, head resting on the soft pillows comfortably. "Let's satisfy you a little.." hange purred, peppering soft kisses down your chest and abdomen, sucking and biting at spots that made you whine and whimper softly. Those noises you were making were getting the other two excited beyond imagination. She tugged at the hem of your underwear, pulling it off and tossing it aside. Your core was already dripping, clenching slightly when the cold air hit your exposed area. "...and satisfy me as well." Levi said, working on taking his boxers off.

Your eyes grew wide on seeing how huge he was. You now understood how good hange must be feeling when he's inside her. It was crystal clear. "Be a good pet and open your mouth." Levi stroked himself, coming closer to you. "I've never done this before..." you finally spoke, jaw unhinged to take him in your mouth, "but I'll try my best." Both Levi and Hange exchanged glances, giving a soft nod. Hange brought her hand close to your hole, rubbing small, gentle circles before pushing her finger in slowly, staying for a second for you to adjust as a loud whine escaped your throat. "So wet.. did we get you like this, sweetheart?.." She slowly pumped her finger in and out as levi ran his hand through your hair. "Tell me if you feel uncomfortable and I'll stop. Don't hesitate." You nodded at the assurance, kissing his tip and sucking on it. You took a deep breath and opened your mouth, indicating levi to push in. He pushed himself in as much as he could, his tip hitting the back of your throat. Levi groaned when you hollowed your cheeks, starting to suck. At that moment, Hange started to pick up her pace up and pump her finger faster, pushing in another one. She came closer as you were busy pleasuring Levi, attaching her lips to yours bundle of nerves to suck gently while still fingering. The sudden pleasure made you jolt up, moaning against Levi's manhood- sending vibrations up it, making him grunt and tremble. "Sh- shit.. you're so good at this-" he sighed, grabbing your hair to thrust into you- now seriously starting to fuck your throat. You gurgle, shutting your eyes to focus on breathing through your nose; sucking and slurping greedily. Levi was in incomparable pleasure, your warm mouth serving him almost the same way as Hange's did- making him see stars. His precum leaked out, the taste spilling out on your tongue that was swirling around his cock. God, he tasted so incredible.

On the other hand, Hange had retracted her fingers and was now rubbing you, applying more pressure and going faster, tongue lapping greedily at your core. You cried out against Levi's member, legs thrashing and squirming, trembling when the pleasure overcame you fast- too much to handle or control; making you arch your back and tremble against hange's touch- hole clamping around nothing as you shot your release onto her fingers, moaning. A stream of drool leaked from the corner of your reddened, swollen lips as Levi pulled out of your mouth, strings of the drool connecting you to levi still. You panted, still dizzy from being throat fucked. He was throbbed and twitching, tip angry red and dripping with precum- but he hadn't released.

He got off you after gently wiping your mouth. "You did so well, pet." He sighed, brushing your hair away from your face. You sighed happily, smiling with satisfaction. "Mmm", Hange hummed, sucking on her fingers covered with your slick. "Tastes so good." She dragged her fingers up your slit again, raising it up for levi to lap it up too. "Hm, not bad." Levi agreed- yes, that was his way of agreement. "You're not too tired eh, brat?" Levi asked as hange lay down beside you, spreading her legs. Levi rubbed her slit a little, taking note of how aroused she was. It earned a low moan from her. "You still have to pleasure your superiors." You nodded and sat up, but Levi stopped you. "Wait. You liked watching all this time, right?" "Huh?" Hange and you blurted out at the same time, confused. You both were expecting something else, but Levi had something different in mind. He stroked himself a few times, pushing hange's legs apart.

"So then, watch." Hange's eyes widened, "Levi- wait-" but she couldn't finish- a loud moan flew past her lips when levi slammed right inside her, starting to pound into her hard and fast immediately. "Tsk- hah..- so fucking tight as always-" he hissed, throwing her legs over his shoulders to gain better access and grab her hips. Hange could only moan and whine his name so loudly, bouncing from the impact of his thrusts- writhing, squirming, throwing her head back from being so incredibly stuffed and full of him. She grabbed his shoulders, running her hands up and down him back as her back arched, Levi leaning down to suck on her chest. "Oh god- ah! Levi! Fuck ngh-" She gasped, tongue lolling out of her mouth slightly as her noises grew louder than the noise of their bodies clapping against each other with every thrust. "Tch- q- quiet down-... you're- going to let the whole hq know-" he panted, pushing two fingers into her mouth. Drool dripped down her chin as she got silenced, yet didn't stop screaming his name and moaning against his fingers, almost gagging.

Levi could feel her tightening around his manhood, indicating she was close. He pulled his fingers away, starting to rub her clit harshly fast. "Don't release yet- hold it in-" he commanded.

You were just frozen in your place, staring at them fuck each other stupid. You brought your hand down, feeling the need to touch yourself. "Oi! Hands off- no touching yourself!" Levi's voice thundered, making you pull your hand off. "No releasing till I say-" he gasped, pounding into her as hard as he could, "s- scream for me you slut-" Hange started trembling, screaming his name and squirming so much, the degrading turning her on even more- so much, Levi had to hold her down and still. "Cruel, he's so cruel-" hange thought, but god- she enjoyed it so much. Her breaths were labouring as she heaved, eyes rolling back as she could no more form meaningful words- just moaning and whining as levi fucked her so hard she forgot who she was, mind going blank and stupid.

Levi stopped after a few more thrusts, not letting hange or himself finish. "Come here brat- hurry-" Levi moved aside for you to get between the other two. "O- okay-" you scurried between them, looking over your shoulder at levi, "what do I-" you gasped as he pushed your head down between hange's legs, pulling you hips up and rubbing your slit. "Go ahead- pleasure your section commander..-" he pushed his fingers inside your core, even though hange had already stretched and prepared you. You realized what was about to happen, so you decided to immediately obey. You rubbed hange hesitantly which made her jolt up- she was so sensitive and swollen from Levi's doings. You stuck your tongue out, pushing it in her core and tasting her. "So fucking delicious-" you mumbled, lapping greedily immediately. Hange thrashed about- it felt as if her core was on fire, becoming only a whining and moaning mess. Levi aligned himself to you from behind, gripping your ass as he pushed inside carefully and slowly- keeping in mind that it was your first time. He groaned so loud when he bottomed out inside you- and you moaned out loudly against hange too. He waited for a while for you to adjust; then slowly, very gently started working himself in and out of you. You were even tighter than hange, it was making it so hard for him to not go insane. He started picking up pace once he made sure you had gotten used to the feeling, soon beginning to recklessly fuck you. His every thrust pushed your more towards hange, your tongue finding its way deeper into her. You moaned, whined against hange, who seemed only half conscious now- she was so lost in that overflowing pleasure from Levi and now you.

Greedy sucking noises, skins slapping, moaning, grunting- even Levi was losing himself. He smacked your ass hard as you winced from pleasure, mind going blank as you clamped down around Levi, screaming his name as your release crashed through your insides, reaching climax. Levi groaned loudly, a last thrust making him throw his head back and spurt his release inside you. You cried out, arching your back and trembling. A loud moan erupted from Hange's throat too as her back arched off the bed, her slick juices spilling out on your tongue.

The next few moments were spent in silence as the three of you panted, catching your breath. Levi slowly pulled out of you, laying down next to you. Hange turned to a side and pulled you into her arms and cuddling you into herself. You blushed slightly, snuggling in. Levi stroked your hair from the other side, then stroked hange's too. "You both did amazing." He whispered softly, wrapping his arms around your waist from behind. You smiled and closed your eyes, happy and satisfied- like you were never before. In the arms of the two people you loved with all your heart and soul- the three of you fell into a deep, sound sleep.

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° yeah um.. uh... what do I even say um- I wrote this because I'm whipped and their slave yeah. Thanks for reading lol 😭

#anime #attack on titan #levi x hange #levi x hanji #levihan #levihan fic #aot fanfiction #aot hanji #levihan hc #levihan headcanon

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rjalker · 2 years

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Yeah I just saw a post of people acting like antivaxxers and Covid-deniers are not only oppressed, but more oppressed than people who face racism.

So yeah. I really do feel the need to point out, as funny as it is that Murderbot thinks killing all humans is the world's stupidest idea, it is kind of fucking playing into the whole "oppressed people shouldn't use violence to fight back against their oppressors".

Like yeah, sure, in the context of "oh of course all robots wants to kill all humans", Murderbot going, "no, why would I want to do that? That's stupid" is funny in comparison, but not really when you look at the bigger picture of Martha Wells being a white woman, and all her fictional character classes that are oppressed so far are oppressed because they are legitimately dangerous.

SecUnits have guns in their arms and are stronger and faster than humans several times over. If Murderbot really wanted to, it could probably send an entire spacestation crashing out of orbit.

Raksura are oppressed because people mistake them for Fell, who literally murder and eat entire cities of people at a time. Raksura are stronger than 90% of groundlings and could kill any groundling they wanted with zero trouble. Most Raksura treat groundlings with hostility and don't treat them like people.

Even in the wizard hunter series, people who've been put under the affect of curses are oppressed...because a lot of people who were affected by a curse were cursed to start killing people.

Like, of all of Martha Wells' books that I've read so far, I think the only oppressed class of people that wasn't oppressed because they're legitimately dangerous and people have actual real safety concerns, was whatever the heck Khat is, since I don't recall them being particularly dangerous or threatening.

Real people aren't systemically oppressed because they're legitimately dangerous and can kill a whole city full of people with minimum amounts of effort.

The same is not true for constructs like Murderbot or Raksura.

Martha Wells keeps writing characters who are oppressed because they do literally pose a legitimate, very real threat to other people, and that's not how this works.

Like if you look at how Martha Wells write about oppression, it's quite literally this post:

cyproterone (deactivated) said:

fantasy that deals with dynamics of oppression in their world almost always fucking sucks because the writers never have any idea how oppression and persecution function, so it’s like, oh these poor people are being forced into glorified prison schools and law enforcement treats them with brutality and common people are distrustful and prejudicial towards them HOWEVER these people can also randomly turn into murder monsters who shoot fire in all directions

“my name is David Fantasywriter and I think oppressed people are oppressed for a perfectly justifiable reason such as Turning Into Demons For Fun”

Like. The Raksura do in fact literally turn into demons for fun. They literally evolved to eat other people. That's the entire purpose for them having a "groundling AKA normal person" form in the first place. So they can sneak into their camps and eat them.

I'm re-reading The Murderbot Diaries again, and I'm at the part where Murderbot and the ComfortUnit are talking again, and it's just really annoying how this other construct saying it wants to kill the people enslaving it is seen as something ridiculous and absurd and "only an idea a human could come up with".

Like yeah, it's so absurd that someone being oppressed might want to kill the people oppressing them, how silly and absurd /s.

It would be fine if literally any of these characters, including Murderbot, actually did fucking enact violent plans to rescue other oppressed people. But Murderbot doesn't seem to give two shits about any other constructs except itself. It only freed the ComfortUnit because of what it had just learned about the other ComfortUnits. It only tried to free the CombatUnit because it was currently trying to kill it.

For a series about oppression, The Murderbot Diaries doesn't really do much to fight back against oppression at all, and keeps condemning the idea of violent revolution, and yes, that's what it's doing, even if it's set up as a joke about how repetitive "robots rebel against humanity" stories are.

There is, in fact, a place between "robots rebel and kill all humans" and "robots don't fight back at all and don't try to free eachother".

The Murderbot Diaries has six books and two short stories, but despite it being stated over and over again that constructs are oppressed, no one seems to be doing anything about it, not even Murderbot, who so far has not displayed a single fuck given for other constructs in the bigger picture.

All it does it keep reiterating how dangerous Rogue SecUnits are, and how even other SecUnits should be afraid of them.

The change in my configuration would fool scans but not another SecUnit, and any Unit that detected me would report it to their HubSystem immediately. I sure as hell would have reported me. Rogue SecUnits are fucking dangerous, trust me on that.

How is this supposed to be a meaningful story about oppression when even the literal narrator keeps telling us how inherently dangerous and out of control these people are and it'd be better for everyone if they were enslaved again because they're just so fucking dangerous???????

"if any currently enslaved people realized I was free, they'd report me immediately, and I'd do the same if our roles were reversed, because non-enslaved people are fucking dangerous, trust me."

like???? excuse me?????

And if Martha Wells is trying to go for a "yeah Murderbot's not even immune to this propaganda" then that should have been something that got addressed immediately, within the first book or the second. Because right now the series is quite literally saying that people should be enslaved for the safety of everyone around them.

Like, I love this series, but I do not understand how everyone else reading these books has not noticed any of this. It's zootopia but with robots, or in the case of The Books of the Raksura, people who do literally turn into demons for fun.

#Rjalker reads The Murderbot Diaries #The Murderbot Diaries #TMBD #Oppression #racism #slavery #ask to tag #long post #writing tips #how not to write oppression #writing advice #what not to do #if your fictional oppressed people are oppressed because they are literally objectively dangerous....congrats you suck

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ranboo5 · 2 years

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What's zablr

Takes a long slow sip of my cold brew, slams it down on the table

Might've told this story before I don't remember but I don't care to go looking. Get ready 4 a story of the most irrelevant low stakes niche fandom drama you've ever seen

A long long time ago. Around Feb 2021

So, motherfuckers HATE Philza Minecraft and they have always hated Philza Minecraft. Like it's the same problem as still very much exists today and is not confined to Philza – the way it can feel impossible to hang out in places related to DSMP without seeing neg of your little guy, right, and sometimes vile neg, like, not just wrong but genuinely distressing and fucked up. I'm sure you know the type anon you must be quite invested in the source to have any eye on this blog in 2022 and you must thus have some little guy who you've seen just the worst shit about. And hell I've probably posted stuff in that vein but I have tried to avoid it in past months so if you don't know wht Zablr is

But in Feb 2021 the fandom was obviously much bigger and more active – this being the era of active lore discourse and all – and aggressive Phil neg was not just annoyingly prevalent but quite literally unavoidable in the character's own main tag. The Philza tag was literally unusable shit was awful and it felt like any form of dissent from that was scattered and miserable. Boreal enjoyers in early 2021 were unavoidably and eternally fighting for our lives in the trenches

So some semi-influential bloggers (almost all of that old guard have moved on from DSMP by now and I'm not in contact with I think any that remain unless Nocturne count) started the Zablr tag instead so Philza enjoyers (by proxy, emerald and boreal enjoyers) could exchange content about our little guy without being, as aforementioned, in the mf trenches

It did not take long for the Discord to be ensuingly made and for Zablr to become a proper community. I think I joined in late February or sometime in March? Anyway, it seemed like an oasis at the time. A place where I could actually have takes that differed from fandom consensus! A place where I could talk about actual canon! A place where a mention of Philza didn't spiral into tirades about how much he sucked! Imagine that!

But even then like. I can't even say we should've known but the signs were there, yk? The administration system was SHOT (altho I didn't learn until later), there was barely any kind of genuine stability in it, etc..

I set up shop in the discourse channel bc I have always been Like This and. God okay the tragedy of Zablr rant chat is basically what this really ends up being. I can barely call it a decline bc it was never actually good! Red flags existed from the start! The effective dogpiling that happened the way we were as a community defined by the hostility outside... the us vs them mindset and the way Zaph (ZAPH! THE #1 PHILZA MINECRAFT SHOOTER!!!!) and I having an actual conversation abt Philza's flaws got told to leave were like . Fully inevitable. It was externally motivated bc like the place could not have existed and rotted w/o the trenches but it was also like. The infrastructure, formal or informal, to keep it alive never existed

In the later stages of Zablr attempts at getting more moderation and regulating rant chat more were made, including an extremely controversial decision of shutting it down fully, especially as more and more members new and old became more and more uncomfortable abt it, but it was too little too late yk. Bandaid on gangrene type of shit

There was functionally a mass exodus. Zablr hemorrhaged active members over April and while I still check in every so often it's like three ppl and nowhere close 2 what it once was yk? It's not fully dead but everyone who was involved at its peak days is inactive or gone and does not remember it too kindly

And I cannot emphasize enough here. I had good times in Zablr I met lovely friends in Zablr several of whom I'm still in contact with even in rant it was also absolutely a legitimate refuge from what was at the time an Unlivable larger fandom it was good it literally was

But at the same time . It never was. The seeds of its destruction were in there from the start and idk if we could have weeded it especially with the external pressures relevant. At the end of the day the discourse chat nuke and nuclear winter starving out the remainder of it slowly were not the beginning of the end but. Well. The end of it

Thinking back on it it seems fucking insane to me that this happened over like two months it seems like such a huge part of my experience with the DSMP like fuck it's still in my bio!!! But it was only a couple months!!! It's literally irrelevant!!!! What the mf hell!!!!!

Anyway that's why I'm a Dark Souls boss

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raspberry-pudding · 2 months

Text

3/9/24

I'll go ahead and admit that I gave in and smoked a little last night. But not nearly as much as I might have if I actually had weed on hand. I scraped up just enough out of my grinder to fill a chillum once. I did really good for most of the day though, which is at least better than I've been doing by waking and baking. I didn't smoke the chillum until after dinner, maybe around 6 PM. It was just enough to give me a buzz, but didn't keep me stoned. Which is probably a good thing, that's the least I've smoked in a day in a long while. Waking up this morning I don't have a headache and I feel pretty good; my head feels clear.

Something I've noticed from trying to quit in the past is how the beginning of the second day I'm already feeling back to normal. I already feel really good and full of energy. Granted, I did smoke yesterday, but I guess it wasn't enough to affect me the next day. Really, that's the place I'd like to be at -- maybe only smoking once or twice a week and not smoking much when I do. I'd like to quit, but I also wouldn't mind a healthier relationship with the substance. I just wonder if that's possible for me to do, or if I need to just cut it out of my life.

More below the cut for those interested.

When I talked to my fiancé about quitting, of course he was supportive but also thought quitting cold turkey could go wrong. I've tried quitting cold turkey in the past and I agree, it seems like I almost always immediately relapse and go harder. He suggested I get the weed, but make it really inconvenient to access once I have it.

I'll admit right now, I am going to get weed today and I am going to smoke a joint today (mostly because this is my last day off before returning to work for the week). But, I have a plan. I plan to preroll a few joints and put them (and any leftover flower) in a lockbox I recently bought for another purpose. I'm then going to put the lockbox somewhere in my basement -- my least favorite place to go in the house which I will avoid at any and all costs. Maybe this part is silly, but I'm going to be keeping the keys for the lockbox in a code safe we have. Every bit of weed is going to be so inconvenient for me to get to that I'm hoping I now only smoke when I really, really want it and not just out of boredom or habit. Putting it in the basement, I hope, should be a perfect place for it. I've put off tasks around the house for several months just because it involved going to the basement.

The joint I plan to have later, I don't plan to smoke until around 5 or 6 PM. Another of my bad habits lately has been smoking way too early in the day. I've been waking and baking like I'm on vacation. Worse, all last week I was smoking before going to work which I typically don't like doing. That's how I realized how bad it's starting to get again. I can't work stoned, I hate working stoned -- to me it's a private pastime that I don't want anyone to know about. Yet every day last week I was walking into work stoned. Luckily this week I'm all morning shift so there is no time to smoke before work.

On another note, my Instagram lately has been filled with people who do have the healthy weed to life/work balance. Or, at least they appear like they do. Every time I see it I get so jealous. Why couldn't that be me? Why can't I just smoke it and continue being normal, or even have it actually improve my life. I see so many stoners who have a consistent routine, who can still exercise and get shit done. What's wrong with me? Why can't I just be cool like that? Why do I smoke weed and get lazy and unproductive and get my entire life-force sucked out of me. Why do I have the brain chemistry where I smoke weed and then my entire life falls a part? Like, I can't do anything I used to anymore.

I guess they're influencers, and like any social media influencer there's a group of people watching and wishing they could be like them. I wonder how many other people watch these peaceful stoners with perfect, colorful, and serene lives and wish they could have that relationship with weed. I wonder if those influencers even truly have that relationship with weed, or if they're just good at acting.

Is there just something wrong with me? Is there something I'm doing wrong? I want to fix myself so bad. I want my ambition back.

Like I said yesterday, what makes it harder on me is that none of my friends who smoke weed feel the same as me. So not only are these influencers living perfect lives while smoking, but my friends are too. Though, if I'm being honest, at least two of them I suspect are struggling like I am but don't admit to it. I won't say anything to them though because we all have to go on our own journeys -- but they will continue to tell me how weed can't be addictive.

I feel so alone on this journey, which only makes it harder to quit. I hope one day I can find someone who's going through the same as me. If for any reason, just so I can feel like I'm not being dramatic, or to validate how awful an addiction to weed can be. To make me feel like my struggles are real and not silly.

Every day I worked last week it was in the 70s and sunny, but every day I've been off it's been cold and rainy. And the same is about to happen this coming week. I miss being outside in the sun and in my hammock.

Iris🪻

#marijuana addiction #weed addiction #tw substance abuse #tw addiction #recovery #recovering stoner #soberity #self help #diary

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