#idk i'm just reflecting

[inconspicuouspotatosack]

i hate this. i hate this!!

#/j #new hyperfixation identified ig #the boys amazon #i'm fucking obsessed with it. the character dynamics. what the fuck is going on #the found family of it all #also whatever the fuck butcher and hughie have going on #their exchanges. the things they take for granted about each other. #god i'm having a moment right now there is so much happening. #not me realizing this literal moment that i just. am literally hughie campbell #i'm trying!! i'm trying so hard to fucking find myself. #yeah everything is a shitshow but my found family is there with me #supporting me in this journey and being unexpectedly but not necessarily unwelcomedly homoerotic about it #anyway i've got a self-identified frenchie in the party #and what i suspect will be a self-identified butcher or perhaps mother's milk #oh god there's a kimiko here too #i really am not meaning to typecast my friends #just dumbstruck by how much i relate to hughie fucking campbell #yes yes he's clearly the most relatable protagonist to the average viewer etc etc #idk i'm just reflecting

[hussyknee]

I know some dickheads have now decided that Judaism is the "bad, violent, terrorist religion" and Islam is the "good, peaceful" one, which is only to be expected of white people, but how much of an issue is it currently? Like I've seen some USAmericans sharing how the Islamic faith shapes Gazans values and perseverance (good) except with that distinct white hippie "I'm about to imprint on this like the world's most racist duck" vibe (bad), but I didn't think they're already turning on Judaism in numbers.

Do they realize that Christianity is also the same kind of comfort to Christian minorities in Asia and Africa? That it was Buddhists that genocided the Rohingyas in Myanmar and Tamils in Sri Lanka? That Hindu fundamentalists are even now trying to ethnically cleanse Muslims in India? How Hindus and Christians are terrorized and persecuted in Pakistan? That Muslims have a history of persecuting and ethnically cleansing Jews too?

Really tired of asking y'all to be normal about people's religions man. There's no religion that's inherently violent or exceptionally peaceful. It's just like any other ideology that becomes a weapon in the hands of ethnic power. Interrogate power, not religion, and respect people's belief systems insofar as they aren't in your business.

Edit: I've amended the "long history" of Muslim persecution of Jews because it might be misleading in the current political climate. Zionism and antisemitic Arab nationalism are twin births resulting directly from Christian colonization, and Islamic empires tended to actually be more tolerant of other religions compared to Christianity, especially Judaism, which was considered a sibling religion. Antisemitism wasn't ideologically entrenched in Islamic tradition. It's simply that ethno-religious power will lead to ethno religious domination and intermittent cleansing of minorities, and Islam is no exception. Humans be humaning always.

#Edit: please boost the edit #why can't white people just be fuckin normal for once #tbh this site was so weird about Judaism that it felt almost culty #I had several crises about whether I was being antisemitic before I realized no I'm just reacting to the idealization-demonization binary #that seems to be all western leftists know how to do #white queers are the worst about this #and now some of the asks I've been getting gives me the impression that the west thinks ''Islamist'' is some kind of dangerous cryptid #y'all attach insane levels of importance to people's choice of headgear #the only common denominator of all the Muslims I know is their fixation on biriyani idk #a lot of white lefties just want to use religion to distance yourself from your white privilege #same reason as why communism is so attractive to you #y'all want to share in a legacy of oppression because it's easier than self-reflection and unlearning #antisemitism #anti Zionism #Islamphobia #philosemitism #white queers #western leftists #racism #religious fundamentalism #genocide #religious violence #knee of huss

[syn0vial]

boba's friendship with beviin in the expanded universe is so funny. he's like, "yes, this is my best friend beviin. he has colossal dad energy, adopts practically every orphan he comes across, and constantly refers to me with a term of endearment that only my father ever used. he's the platonic ideal of a mandalorian in my eyes and his is the only opinion i care about. his armor's color scheme is literally the inverse of my father's. if you attempt to psychoanalyze me about any of this, i will kill you with explosives"

#istg every interaction between boba and beviin is just beviin being extremely dadly at him #and boba being like ''huh idk why but i really like this guy 🤔 even though i never like anyone'' #''oh well time to never reflect on that ever! can't catch me‚ self awareness!!'' #boba i'm sorry 😔 your daddy issues are visible from space #every other mandalorian on the planet watching the mand'alor getting attached to the most paternal man on the planet like 'yeah that tracks #boba fett #goran beviin #legacy of the force

[brucewaynehomeforangrychildren]

post-patrol sugar rush

#cassandra cain #damian wayne #I know he's big on last names a lot of the time but idk I feel like the vibe was 'jason' for this one #cass is just vibin letting the boy get his rage out #damian is sick and tired of being the only serious vigilante in gotham #cmon dad learn how to wrangle your kids -damian #I'm so tired so the hashtags may reflect that state of mind #batman #robin #batgirl #orphan #comics #dc comics #art #my art #I love this cass ngl #damian's face took me so fucking long idk if I like it but idc at this point #hope you all enjoy :-)

[krash-and-co]

the real 35 portland row is located on tumblr dot com btw

#idk I referred to 'welcome to the fandom' as 'welcome home' and it made me think lol #we got the art the chatter the lighthearted banter the friendship the thinking cloth with mug stains #the photos on the wall and letters in the mailbox #a whole ton of rooms‚ treasures displayed and passing down #shenanigans galore ofc #so yeah actually!!! #we are in portland row #ofc we are #we couldnt read about a home without subconsciously making one of our own that reflects it #or maybe it just brought out the 35 portland row we already had #maybe that's why we were drawn to it #and why its what we create #or whatever #idk I'm thinking too deep about fandom on the shitposting website #(or not maybe im right) #Lockwood and co #35 portland row #lockwood and co books #lockwood and co netflix #Lockwood and co fandom

[uncanny-tranny]

I'm still thinking about how ashamed I was (and am) with being open about my pain because I am so young. It's so hard to feel worthy of having your pain taken seriously when the people around you insist that young bodies are always in pristine, untouched condition and that you must earn your pain through aging. Never is it considered that young people aren't lying or being a hypochondriac for expressing their pain.

Young people can be in life-altering pain. Young people can have debilitating pain. It doesn't matter what age it happens because pain doesn't discriminate. Complaining about pain and doing things to prevent needless pain aren't something you have to "earn" through aging.

If you want young people to be in less or lesser pain, then encourage them to do whatever they can to minimize it. Don't downplay what they're experiencing. Not everything is a lie, not every experience that is different than yours is exaggeration or deceit.

#disability #ableism #ableism tw #this is one of the big reasons i was ashamed of admitting when i am in pain #and it's one of the reasons i was ashamed to address the pain i have #and i'm angry about that actually! nobody should fear being labeled as essentially having munchausen syndrome because... #...'young people NEVER have pain or disabilities and you're a liar!' #i really do want to start addressing my pain because i know it's not normal but holy shit batman it can suck sometimes #i honestly like talking to my dad about this because he also has a lot of pain (moreso than i do now) but he actually TRIES to listen... #putting this in the disability tag but i still don't feel right about labeling my own pain as such... #...but i know so many people with disabling pain who would relate... #...maybe it's internalized ableism on my part or maybe i just want to be respectful of people with worse pain #this is me really just reflecting on m the fact that i haven't ever had an amazing body in a lot of ways (though i am lucky still) #i'm still thinking about having an emergency cane to help me get up when my pain is bad but idk if it's worth the investment #so if anybody reading this has suggestions (esp. for those with back pain)... please hook me up i will platonically love you forever

[zinzabee]

A Message for the RotTMNT Fans

For everyone who is afraid of drawing Rise Raph because of his large body type and proportions, I am here to give you this message: I promise you, I would much rather see you try your best effort and it look a little wonky than for you to exclude him entirely from your art and doodles.

The reason I am able to draw Raph as well as I am right now is because I learned how to draw fat/muscular/chubby body anatomy in my early art career. But it's really never too late to start practicing! I encourage you, I implore you even, to take a few small steps out of your comfort zone for a bit and see where it takes you. If you want to draw him (or any favorite character from a piece of media you love, really) but are intimidated because of their size being abnormal from the thin/skinny, I want you to know that it's okay to be scared. What's not okay is giving up, quitting, or not even trying to attempt their bigger proportions at all. Because then that will bleed over into the rest of your art style/mentality, and there are aspects of your art that you may never improve on because of that. You don't know until you try.

I know it may feel awkward at first, and you may be intimidated by the pressure of getting it right, less anyone make fun of you or you get caught by peers or non-artists and be judged. Trust me, I know. I have been there! It's not a pleasant experience. But if you want to get better as an artist, you need to learn different body types. You need to unlearn the internal fatphobia that society has ingrained into your brain. You need to free yourself and allow yourself to make mistakes as you learn and practice to get better.

Raph is such a wonderful character and he deserves just as much love as all the other brothers, but I've talked to so many artists who all repeat the same thing; "He's so hard to draw." "I can't get his shapes quite right." "I don't draw him that much because I'm intimidated." You are 100% valid for these feelings, I promise. But I think it's for these reasons that you should draw him anyway, and learn his shapes, and learn to draw larger bodies and bigger muscles, because it helps you grow as an artist. And besides that, representation matters. I know there's plenty of fans out there who would love to see more representation like Raph.

So go for it. Even if you're scared. Even if you're unsure. Give yourself a little grace if you wanna draw that big lovable turtle, and do your best. And when it comes down to it, I bet that if he was real and you showed it to him, he'd love it and appreciate the effort no matter what. <3

#rise of the teenage mutant ninja turtles #rise of the tmnt #rottmnt #rottmnt raph #rottmnt raphael #fatphobia #fat positvity #I mean this all in a very positive and encouraging tone #I don't want it to come off like I'm being mean or pointing fingers #but I notice Raph doesn't get as much fanart as the other three #and I understand it might be because of his proportions and body type #so idk I just want the younger artists to know that its okay to experiment and try #also kind of saying this in light of a really popular artist of a popular show recently admitting she is scared of drawing larger body type #and it reflecting heavily in her art style and character design #and if you know then you know

[high-voltage-rat]

Actually I'm still thinking about it. Another interesting way in which RvB is anti-war is the way that the Director fills the role of a villain and antagonist (especially in the Recollections trilogy, where he's a faceless villain we never see but is responsible for everything that happens).

In his memos to the Chairman, the Director emphasizes his sense of duty and obligation to the military- he becomes irate for the first time when he feels that it's being implied that he was derelict in his duty... or that the work he did out of that duty is being criticized for being against the military's interests. He also talks about Allison's death in a way I find... interesting.

"You see; I never had the chance to serve in battle. Nor did fate provide me the opportunity to sacrifice myself for humanity as it did for so many others in the Great War. Someone extremely dear to me was lost very early in my life. My mind has always plagued me with the question: If the choice had been placed in my hands, could I have saved her? [...] But, given the events of these past few weeks, I feel confident that had I been given the chance, I would have made those sacrifices myself... Had I only the chance."

The idea of sacrifice is central to the way he talks about his wife's loss, to the way he talks about the war in general. He talks of sacrifice with a sense of veneration- that it's something he aspires to do, that he longs for. There's a few ways we can interpret "I would have made those sacrifices myself"...

-That in Allison's place, he thinks he would have laid down his life too.

-That if given the chance, he would have given his life to save hers.

But most interestingly...

-That he would have sacrificed Allison's life for the continued survival of humanity, if that was what duty called for.

...And personally, I think all 3 are true.

In most war media, the Director's perspective on sacrifice is very common. Sacrifice is glorious and heroic- to die in battle is an honour- and it's the only way to ensure the group you serve survives. This is a tool of propaganda- nobody wants to go to war just for the sake of it, you have to give them a reason that the risk of dying or being permanently disabled isn't just acceptable, but desirable. Beyond that, most people don't want to do things they think are immoral- you have to convince them it's important, a necessary lesser evil. You teach them to sacrifice their morals, too.

The way they train soldiers to follow orders and to kill, is to convince them that they, and the people around them, and the people they care about, will all die if they don't. It's drilled into your head from day one. It's the way they ensure their commanding officers won't shy away from sending their men off to die. The message is constant- sacrifice is your duty, and duty ensures your people's survival.

In the Director's eyes, the damage Project Freelancer caused was his sacrifice. He never got the opportunity to sacrifice himself during the war- so he sacrificed others, as military brass do. The Freelancers- including his daughter. The countless sim troopers. Any people he considered "collateral damage" on missions. And when the opportunity to do so presented itself, he sacrificed a copy of himself- Alpha- and he sacrificed a copy of Allison- Tex.

The very thing that derailed his life- the loss of his wife- he made it happen again. He put her copy in dangerous situations, let her exist in the position of constant repeated failure, created the circumstances that would eventually lead to her death. He put their daughter in deadly situations that nearly killed her repeatedly, provided her with impossible expectations leading to self-destructive behaviours in the name of duty, implanted her with two AI knowing they could cause her permanent harm. He was confident he "would have made those sacrifices himself" because he did.

The Director is the embodiment of the military war machine. As an antagonist, he is a warning against buying into the glorification of sacrifice. He's a condemnation of the idea that one should be willing to do anything to win a war- that duty to the military is the thing that ensures survival... All the messages that are pushed to ensure recruitment and obedience of soldiers.

He's a reminder that swallowing the propaganda leads to you doing terrible things... and in the end, you're a broken man left mourning the losses that you suffered even as you repeated them, convinced that it was all necessary.

#late nights with ali #ali watches rvb #not video games #rvb #red vs blue #leonard church #the director #director rvb #idk why I'm so fixated on thinking about the anti-war interpretation of rvb right now but I'm apparently going ham #it's just so fucking. wild to me. listening to the director's messages in S6 always has me thinking 'oh man this guy ate the propaganda up' #the OPPORTUNITY to sacrifice yourself??? homedog you sound like the kid in high school who brags he's joining the army as soon as he's 18 #to be clear: a lot of my thoughts on this stem from the fact that I come from a military family. I spend a lot of time with people who... #...bought in to the military propaganda and indoctrination. I see an amplified version of their perspectives reflected in the director. #to the military man sacrifice is the highest calling. sacrifice of your life. sacrifice of your morals. sacrifice of your wellbeing. #the things the director did were all in line with that fucked-up form of sacrifice. #and that they're portrayed for the evil they are is an important protest against the war machine's messaging.

[transmascutena]

thinking about how akio sees his younger self in utena and wondering if there's any fondness there. doesn't change the horror of what he does to her obviously but i do wonder

#akio and utena #m #long ramble in the tags sorry: #the thing about akio is that he's so evil bit he's also so human #he has feelings. i just don't know what they are (if anything) toward his victims #he loves anthy at the very least i'm sure of that. even if he hates her too. just like she loves and hates him. the lines are blurry. #and i just. i have to wonder whether any of that extends to utena at all. we know anthy at times feels similarly about utena and dios #(and akio by extension.) the simultanious love and resentment. so it's not too unlikely i think. #like. even though he never had anything but bad intentions in getting close to her #i'm not sure it's possible to do everything he did and feel nothing #not that he has any meaningful amount of guilt or remorse for it. i don't think that. #and i obviously don't think he “loved” her in any of the ways she might have thought he did #but did he not care at all? did he not feel any kind of fondness or sympathy or just. idk. pity? for her? #whatever the case it wasn't enough to reconsider having her killed so you know. how much does that actually matter anyway #idk. i think about it a lot. how abusers are rarely entirely indifferent toward their victims #the role he's playing in her life is so fucked up but it IS a role he's playing and i wonder how much he you know... internalizes it? #how much does he believe the illusion of family that he invites her into? because akio DOES often buy into his own illusions. #(similarly i think it's possible that akio is fond of touga too. their mentor-protégé relationship is horrible and abusive #but that doesn't make it less real. you know? maybe real is the wrong word.) #when he talks in episode 25 about wanting utena and anthy closer that's obviously so he can continue to groom her #but is there something genuine there too? i don't know. #again. it obviously does not make anything he does better or even different. but it is interesting to think about to me. #on the other side of that coin does seeing his own past youth and naivete and desire to do good that he (maybe) once had #reflected back at him through her mean anything? #is there resentment there? that she is what he couldn't be? or more likely he just thinks that idealism is stupid. #either way it's something he wants to take from her. anyway ramble over. #i talk a lot about utena's feelings toward akio (familial vs romantic love and the way the two are intertwined in fucked up ways) #but not much the other way around. probably because utena is actually a sympathetic character whose feelings the show very clearly #wants you to analyze and think about. #which is... less true for akio i think. though he's still a complex character with complex motives. he's just harder to get a grasp on.

[clownprince]

alright i was already intrigued by the premise of knight terrors: the joker but i'm SO fucking hyped now you're telling me rosenberg is elaborating on the divorce arc??? also dark workplace comedy is exactly where i hoped they'd go with this

#scared to get my hopes up bc rosenberg hasn't done much with the batman/joker dynamic so idk his take on it #i think he has a solid understanding of joker as a character #and i'm beyond thrilled at the possibility that they're not just ignoring endgame and joker war and all that shit #joker trying to do his own thing and be his own person without batman is the logical next step #and i'm glad rosenberg managed to salvage something out of the raging dumpster fire that was tynion's take on joker #also mildly concerned about where this might go bc personally i like it when joker has no identity or purpose outside of batman #to me that's what defines joker. his lack of a stable identity and willingness to change to be what he thinks batman needs him to be #and idk if rosenberg is talking about in the nightmare or irl but my assumption is the nightmare will be reflected in the main narrative #rosenberg is also like. genuinely funny. to me at least. so i'm excited. just a bit nervous for what this might mean for the batman/joker #dynamic moving forward. idk #uhhh #batjokes #joker #knight terrors: the joker

[hajihiko]

every time I come across Content that isnt my own I get the thoughts and thinks. Too tired to do anything about it except this ig

#Coming to terms with the fact that I can share shitty dumb doodles and tag them even and it's not a crime #I'm not quite Ants In My Brain levels but the brains are scattered rn. #Anyway I love a relationship that is unlabeled and unknowable but gosh damn it is sincere and devoted #I was thinking of that 19 days bit. 'you're the strongest most badass little mo' or sth #ANYWAY! Not confident enough to tag this w my art tag so #Fuyuhiko kuzuryu #Hajime hinata #Kuzuhina #Attempting to go full ramble in the tags after the actual posting bc I just got shit to say I guess #Not valuable shit but shit nonetheless #They're good for each other they build each other up. Fuyuhiko was putting so much faith in Hajime from the get-go #Hajime is like dont give me too much credit no I dont wanna think about my talents. And Hiko is like nah man you're great (in his own way) #And Hajime encourages so much growth in Hiko which is WHY I think Hiko is so passionate in his loyalty #Hajime makes Fuyuhiko smile and laugh and reflect on his behaviour and talk about his experiences #They laugh TOGETHER in the middle of the killing game which is v sweet #Fuyuhiko is DESPERATE to prove that he's changed and that he wants to do good now and Hajime is just like 'okay you got it' #Like thassit. And then when they find out Hajime wasnt a talent student Fuyuhiko is like 'oh ok' #They accept each other very readily and they trust each other so much and idk maybe my brain is broken but #I FEEL like I feel a sincerity in their friendship #Like it's for life man they're already making plans for the future when they're friends (hiko especially) #Yeah I guess I'll save these tags. Idk I'm a little Ill of the Brain rn

[commsroom]

the "big picture" - whether that refers to some detached, calculated greater good; ruthless ambition and progress for the sake of progress; or even the dear listeners' cosmic indifference - as an antagonistic force in wolf 359 is so fascinating to me because of the way eiffel as a protagonist is set up to oppose it, just by nature of who he is. eiffel retains his humanity even under the most inhumane circumstances. his strength is in connection, and with that he's able to reach others who share his core values, but he's operating under a fundamentally different framework from the show's antagonists. he can never understand where they're coming from or be swayed by their points of view because, for better or worse, he can only see the world through a close personal lens.

it's an ideological conflict he has with all of them, but notably with hilbert: "you talk about helping people, but what about the real, live people around you? [...] that's your problem. you're so zoomed out." eiffel will never, ever see that "big picture" because he is so zoomed in. at his best, he puts things into perspective and grounds the people around him. at his worst, his perspective narrows so drastically inwards that he becomes blind to everyone and everything else. his failings are deeply, tragically human - they're personal, they're impulsive, they're self-destructive. they're selfish. no matter how much he might try to narrativize or escape from himself, he's still left with doug eiffel: "it's taken me this long to realize that running from everyone else means that you're alone with yourself." eiffel could never be convinced to harm others on purpose, but he has hurt people, and it's never been because he didn't care. the very fact that he cares so much, that he's incapable of reconciling the hurt he's caused with the things he values, is what keeps him from real growth for so long. where many of the other characters in wolf 359 will justify their cruelty in service of something they consider more important, eiffel is so caught up in vilifying himself and the fear that he's always going to harm the people he cares for without meaning to that he shuts himself off from the people who care about him and perpetuates his own self-fulfilling prophecy.

#wolf 359 #w359 #doug eiffel #someday i'll finish my essay about the big picture as an antagonistic force. it's only been on my list of things to do for uh. ever #eiffel really cannot be convinced by Big Picture ideology in any form because he's so. unambitious and inwardly focused #he's not self-reflective at ALL but he is self-centered #and in some ways that's genuinely a good thing #but it's interesting. that he vilifies himself and tries so hard to. externalize his redemption and see some humanity in others #as proof he might be able to be better. when if those people consider themselves villains at all then they consider it necessary #i'm not sure if i'm phrasing this the way i want to but his worldview is just. fundamentally incompatible. #when i think about eiffel i think a lot about. how self-loathing is also a kind of exceptionalism. considering yourself uniquely bad #is its own way of avoiding accountability. #idk. it's complicated. it's a lot. it's interesting that lovelace talks about the 'big picture' when she's briefly a sort-of antagonist #but her 'big picture' is personal and emotionally driven in a way no other use of the phrase is #and then of course you have hera in am i alone now. such a big big universe etc. #when she betrays that perspective immediately and directly by talking about it through such a narrow personal framework #one of the most direct examples of 'big picture' thinking vs. personal connection in that contradiction. but that's another post maybe.

[stars-n-spice]

This season is so fucking wild to me and I want to physicalize it so I can gnaw on it but,,

It hurts so bad to watch it as an older sibling of five because I know how much pressure is on Hunter (and even more so because not only is he the older brother but also the leader, which arguably have different responsibilities tied to them) and how he probably blames himself about everything that's happened,, because that feeling of guilt and feeling like you've failed as the oldest child is,,, lemme tell you man,, that shit?? not going to lie,, sometimes it's like my 13th reason and I don't wanna see Hunter break because of it. I want the man to get some rest and reassurance,, man,, I just,,,

And it also hurts to watch it as a perpetual outcast and loner who never felt like people stuck around and always felt like they were going to be the second choice because holy FUCK man,,, Crosshair,,, just,,, I just need him to feel,, to feel whole and welcomed and accepted and loved and cared for and all the things I so desperately crave from people I was so utterly dedicated and loyal to and just UGGHHEHHEUUHH

Oh and let's not even START on watching this as those two things AND a former gifted child.

and sometimes i wonder why the hell I love this show so much-

#idk #i have a lot of thoughts #i know some people are like more or less choosing sides #of like #who is in the 'right' #but they're both right and they're both wrong #and i love them both #and they reflect way too much of me and i hate it #and i just want them to be happy #and safe #:( #i love and hate this season #sigh #i'm so scared for the next episodes #tbb #tbb s3 #tbb hunter #tbb crosshair

[jacksprostate]

Can you talk about how fight club is the story of a deeply closedeted gay man the wake of the aids crisis? How do his anxieties about hiv manifest?

yeah sure! i feel like i've talked about it in bits and pieces in a few different posts which I'll link here but I'll also type up a little summary. Not operating on 100% so forgive me if it's a bit all over the place.

On the narrator and Marla wrt sexuality

On the Lou scene of the movie

The central obvious joke yet not really comparison

Anyway so. I'm going to focus on the book as always but lots still generally applies to the movie and in the above links you can see a bit about the Lou scene from the movie if that's your interest.

So first I think it's important to acknowledge the narrator meets Tyler on an empty nude beach. This has a lot of connotations for a lot of reasons. Nude beaches/beaches in general have long been a gay male hookup spot. The beach is empty — it's the 90s. Many, many people have died. The narrator chose to go there — an interesting one. Stepping out of bounds a little only to be reminded of the constant threat, by how no one is there. He just watches Tyler do his thing, doesn't engage. He keeps his foot, with the AIDS-like rash on it, buried in the sand so he doesn't start dying in people's eyes (and presumably so if he ever got the gumption, he could tap it). Even if you assume the nude beach isn't specifically gay, all these things still apply, and it's still his idealized man he hallucinated all sweaty and tan.

Kind of discussed in the Marla related link above but he's like, horrifically repressed, even if he WAS straight. He can't imagine himself having sex. But when he has Tyler have straight sex (see above link for detailed thoughts on that), it's Marla he's jealous of. It is literally written that way. He is jealous of Marla stealing Tyler's attention and ruining the vibe they had with just the two of them.

Something, something, elaborate rituals for the touch of another man. Getting a big rubbery one in response to Bob. Arguably it's about him getting off on misery but it's not like it was written with regard to Chloe. And Chloe— amyl nitrite/poppers are commonly used in gay bathhouses and stuff. Used in straight sex too but yeah pretty common... Back to Bob though, this mimicry of closeness with another human being  another man in particular, staring down the gun at a man who can't functional have sex like society expects him to anymore. 

He invents a club that word for word could be swapped with gay sex for a large portion of its introduction. He is desperate for the touch of another man even if violence is the only way he can get it. Sex would be violence, in an age of being terrified of AIDS. 

The constant underlying sharing of blood and spit and contaminating food etc. All these other ways HIV is spread. But at least it wouldn't be That way. If that's his destined way to die then at least it wouldn't be like that. Dark, but.

The fucking scene about his birthmark holy shit man. Essentially, the doctors thought his birthmark was a sign of, pretty much, Kaposi's sarcoma. The cancer overwhelmingly associated with AIDS, and he's a medical marvel. Because he'd be dying from an unknown horrific disease. Now he hides the birthmark, because that unknown disease is everywhere now. <-bastardization of a line from the book. And when people see that birthmark, he starts dying in their eyes. If he was openly gay in any fashion, he'd start dying in their eyes too. The same way.

There is, distinctly, a sense of a complete lack of actual functional future. There is a sense of complete lack of role models from the past. 

The environmentalist turn even in this sense. The burden of history. He was not the one who spread the virus. There's a lot of deep, deep self hate and internalized homophobia in that. In the single time the narrator mentions gay men, too — as gay men wanting children being the cause for why all the single mothers in the clinic Marla goes to  are dying of AIDS. But that's not true. Gay men, overwhelmingly, are not the reason it went from gay men to eventually reaching women. But what he repeats is part of the societal curse upon them, and what he repeats is a chastisement, look what happens when you dare desire anything. If you actually want to act on those perversions. You curse everything and everyone. Stay repressed, or you'll die and kill everyone.

He invents Tyler. "Perfectly handsome and an angel in his everything-blond way." He invents the perfect man, who also can never infect him. Who also pisses and spits in soups, god what a conundrum — society assumes you're evil, sick, and damned, but you're still their responsibility. How do they like it. I am not glamorizing the willful spread of disease lol I don't think it's ever a sane response but in fiction it hits that like... vindictive anguish. 

Honestly, even the section I just mentioned. Where Tyler rants to the union boss. You don't actually give a single shit about me and better yet you probably hate the living shit out of me. But I am still your responsibility. You have sucked me dry til I have nothing to love, and you have everything. And the narrator says he says the same thing Tyler said, but about contaminated food. The parallels, with how that would apply to people with HIV, especially gay men. There is so, so much emphasis on the narrator's blood and how it gets all over the Pressman hotel's manager.

Fight Club, Project Mayhem — they're the designs of someone who doesn't expect to live long. The home of people who don't expect to live long. Whether that's because medical care is too expensive or because you catch a blood infection or because the cops shoot you. 

And at the end, after everything has happened, after his manic pixie dream boy helped him martyr himself, what does he really get? Idk man. Drugs that will kill his sex drive. A deep fear of himself that now has evidence for how far he can fall. A deep disillusionment. No hate, but no love either. Still just empty, now knowing he has opened pandora's box, whether he intended to or not. He can't put it back. He tried. 

Idk. something to be said about all that. Probably a lot more as well but that's just off the top of my head.

#asks #fight club #like. idk Tyler should probably make up a larger part of this post but anyway #its also like. theres just massive stuff that I kind of feel as a lesbian who also has repression issues where it's like yeahhhhh #I'm working out how to identify what those commonalities actually are but lmao #also i wrote this and just sort of assumed the inferences were obvious but if any bit is confusing i think you can generally assume #theres an implied sentence along the lines of “and this reflects the pressure and repression of gay men during and in the wake of AIDS”

[raiiny-bay]

new character page wip

#i edited the shit out of this code ngl #idk what i'm gonna put under the music section yet #the picture is just a place holder #i definitely like this layout better. not looking forward to having to do new pictures of everyone. again. #i'm also rewriting everyone's bios. again. bc i want them to reflect their current selves more #rn they're like a weird mix of their canon & post-canon selves & they just don't feel very. cohesive. ig #like. most of my edits take place in post-canon so i think their pages should match that? #they're not accurate to the versions of them that i share on here. that's what i mean #mm i just confused myself trying to think about it #ok. i'm gonna go have lunch & then i guess i'll write or something #i had something else i was gonna say but i forgot lol #rainyrambles

[queenlucythevaliant]

Once, Always

(Edmund has an abundance of birthdays)

 .

“I say,” murmured Edmund sleepily as the fire burned low. “When do you suppose it is here? I mean—what time of year? Do you think it’s the beginning of September, the same as it was in England?”

“Summer,” said Lucy. “Certainly summer.”

Peter agreed. “I think it must be Highgrass, if I had to guess. Perhaps later. Greenroof?”

“If it’s Greenroof, then Edmund gets another birthday,” Lucy sighed. “Eleven or twelve, Ed?”

“Neither,” put in Susan. “A thousand, if you’re going to rationalize it that way. Now everyone hush, please, and get some sleep.”

.

Edmund’s birthday was the fifteenth day of Greenroof by the Narnian reckoning. Greenroof, late summer, when all the leaves were dark and broad. Narnian summers were long, but Greenroof was the last and best of the summer months. Greenroof was hunts through the dense foliage, blackberries heavy with juice, lazy afternoons, bonfires, wild romps, and the pleasant kind of sweat. Edmund’s birthday celebrations were always held on Dancing Lawn in the old days: the sort of long, laughter-bright nights that summer was made for.

. 

The second time Edmund celebrated his eleventh birthday, it was just past three months since he and his siblings had returned home from the country. Their house was glass-strewn and battered, but still standing when they arrived home. By August it was beginning to feel really safe again, but sometimes Edmund still woke in the night to find his mother standing silent in the doorway, drinking in the sight of her two sons returned to her.

The professor sent one of Ivy’s famous spice cakes for Edmund’s birthday. It arrived tied in red string, which made Lucy reminisce fondly about dear Mr. Tumnus. Edmund’s siblings pooled their allowances to buy him the new Nero Wolfe detective novel, and his mother gave him a new cap and an electric torch.

“How do you feel?” his mother asked over dinner.

“I don’t feel any older, if that’s what you mean,” he said. “Eleven feels just the same as ten did yesterday.”

. 

All four of them missed their birthdays the first year in Narnia. Too much else was going on at the time, and none of them was quite sure when their birthdays were supposed to be besides. The measurement of time was a thoroughly tangled issue.

The Narnian year had four hundred days even, divided into fourteen months of inconsistent lengths. Furthermore, the kingdom had only known winter for the last hundred years. The Narnians themselves were still remembering how the calendar worked in a world where the seasons changed. They didn’t have the words yet to explain it to their sovereigns.

. 

“Eustace,” said Edmund, “your journal is wrong.”

“Give me that,” Eustace scowled at once. “I know it’s wrong, but there’s no need to rub my face in it. Aren’t I trying to make up for how I was?”

“No, no, that’s not what I meant. The month is wrong. You’ve got September written here, but time works differently in Narnia than it does in the Other Place. Haven’t you noticed that it’s summer, not autumn?”

“Oh.” Eustace shrugged. “I followed Occam’s Razor and assumed that the climate here was different rather than time itself.”

“Occam’s what?” This was Lucy.

“Occam’s Razor: the simplest solution to a problem is the most likely—never mind. Well, go on, what month is it?”

“Highgrass,” said Lucy.

“July,” said Edmund at the same moment. “More or less.”

 .

They worked it all out one afternoon as the second spring of their reign was ending. Peter and Susan wrote out the English calendar on one stack of parchment while Edmund and Lucy sat down with the Narnian calendar and penciled in seasonal markers as best they could manage.

“The first crocuses came up right at the end of Cleardome, yes?”

“Yes, I think so. And the snowdrops were in their full glory that month too.”

“How do you want to deal with leap year?”

“Just forget about it. Narnia doesn’t have anything similar, so I think twenty-eight days for February is fine for our purposes.”

“Magnolia in Laceveil, yes?”

“Laceveil is a good marker in general. We ought to set that as May and go from there.”

Birthdays were guesses, no matter how much counting they did. Yet as memories of England receded and Narnia’s world blossomed into everything they knew, those guesses solidified into fact. Edmund turned eleven for the first time on the fifteenth day of Greenroof. He was the first of his siblings to celebrate a proper birthday in Narnia.

. 

The fourth time Edmund turned twelve, he received another electric torch to replace the one he’d lost. He laughed for half a minute, holding that gift in his hand.

“Really, you should have expected it,” said Susan primly.

"I did."

Their mother tsked and added something about keeping track of one’s belongings, but that was alright. His siblings understood.

Edmund flicked on the light and watched the beam land on the far wall across the living room. Bright at the edges and dark towards the center where the bulb was. He moved his wrist sideways and watched the spot of light follow.  

. 

Edmund might have forgotten about his birthday aboard the Dawn Treader if Lucy hadn’t remembered. She conspired with the cook to have a spread of Edmund’s favorite foods at supper (such as could be managed at sea) and coerced Rynelf into playing jigs on his fiddle afterwards. While they were dancing, Caspian called for a cask of his best wine, and soon the ship’s whole company was making merry like only Narnians could.

“Didn’t you have a twelfth birthday the last time you were in Narnia?” Caspian asked curiously as the party was dying down.

“Yes,” Edmund replied, “and the time before that too. Confused yet?”

“Ed has all the luck,” Lucy pouted playfully. “We always seem to return to Narnia in the summer, so he gets all the extra birthdays.”

Caspian's face lit up. “How extraordinary! When’s yours then?”

“Cleardome. There’s a year and a half between Ed and me, and he never lets me forget it.”

“It’s really not as exciting as all that,” Edmund added. “We’re not living our lives backwards, or unstuck in time, or any such nonsense. It’s more like—our lives are folded in on themselves, you see? But never the same way twice.”

“I think it’s more like music than anything else,” Lucy said, a kind of fond wistfulness in her voice.

“Yes,” said Edmund. “I know what you mean.”

. 

On the thirteenth of Greenroof, the Telmarines laid down their arms and surrendered to Old Narnia. The next day, messengers were sent forth across the land with news of the surrender and with terms for the Telmarines. Caspian’s coronation followed, and then Edmund woke and it was his birthday again.

Breakfast that morning was long and languid, for Peter and Susan knew that they must say farewell to Narnia, even if the younger ones did not. They lingered round the table with Caspian and Trumpkin and the rest, and presently Peter offered a toast.

“To my brother King Edmund, who is eleven and twelve and sixty-three and thirteen hundred years old today.”

Everyone raised their cups and repeated, “King Edmund.” Caspian nodded and added, “Long live the king,” with an almost ironic tilt to his head.

Naturally, Edmund nodded back. “And to you, King Caspian. Long may you reign.”

Another round of assent followed, and then Lucy cleared her throat. “But also,” she said, “To late summer and the rebirth of Our Narnia. And to the land, the sea, the hills, the trees, the sky, Cair Paravel-by-the-sea and Dancing Lawn and all the flowers that are still in bloom. And to the color green. To all of us here today, and to those who are gone. And to Aslan.”

“Here, here.”

There were tears in Susan’s eyes now. “Happy birthday,” she whispered, and squeezed Edmund’s hand tight. Edmund looked down at his plate, fiercely overcome with love for this place and these people. In a strict, chronological sense, it had been less than a month since his last birthday, but how did the saying go? Time was just a tangled string, or falling snow, or whatever else Aslan told it to be.

. 

“Bother,” said Edmund, “I’ve left my new torch in Narnia.”

Everyone chuckled at this, but Susan said, “Wait a year. We’ll get you a new one for your next birthday.”

#Edmund has a late August birthday #which means that Lucy's must be early in the year if 'really there was only a year between them' holds #AND we still choose to go with the birth years from Jack's timeline #and idk i just really love the idea of the Pevensies repeating their birthdays and just kinda reflecting on it #not in an angsty 'adults in kids bodies' way (ugh) #but just in a sort of 'huh. what a neat opportunity to think about #who i am and who i've been and who i'm becoming' kind of way #that pulls out the growing up themes from the series and examines them #idk i hope that's what i've done here #this is a veeeeerrrrry loose re-write of a really old middle school piece about Lucy having multiple eleventh birthdays #it just makes more sense if it's Edmund given the setup with Prince Caspian #anyway #narnia #the traitor who mended #leah stories #pontifications and creations #working on crossposting to ao3 (hopefully w/i the hour)