#if only i could have infinite money and also her irl :(

[intoseaa]

thinking of giving her a room in the basement and it just being the coziest cutest place. all these nice thick blankets and lights, a room i keep clean just for her, a mini-fridge stocked with drinks, a wardrobe full of cute outfits i picked for her, nice stairs that don't creak when i come down them, a tv so i can set her on my lap and watch her fav shows on it, pillows that muffle her screams when i rape her senseless, soak up her tears when i cum inside her and a tiny table for her convenience . ahhh so cute

#if only i could have infinite money and also her irl :( #aww #kidnap fantasy #bd/sm kink #cnc kidnapping #bd/sm dom #kidnap roleplay #r@pe kink #r@pe fantasy #r@petoy #rapetoy #r@pe k!nk #r@pe play #crying kink #forced impreg #breeding k1nk #breeding toy #bd/sm breeding #breeding pet #the talker

[cakeboxie]

Dies instantly (I’m bitching and moaning about irl shit)

Head in my hands….. citing a disorder as the reason for your behaviour does not make you exempt from the consequences of it. I’m (metaphorically) shaking my one roommate around by her shoulders. If you do not think you will do something you need to tell us or the cats will shit in your bed again, and when they do you the fault is no one’s but your own.

The solution to not being able to do cat litter is not playing weird ass mind games with your husband who lives on the verge of an anxiety attack because he feels like a burden so he will do it after he (with much turmoil and anxiety) asked if you’d be willing to do it once in a while when his arthritis act up and he can’t hold the scoop.

It is not just ignoring it until our cats shit under your bed then bitching about it and talking about getting rid of them

It’s telling one of us. I don’t mind doing it, I’m just too forgetful to do it all the time. But if you ask I’ll do it immediately so I don’t forget.

If you ask your husband he’ll do it too if he can and if not he’ll ask me bc somehow I have managed to form a strong positive relationship with your husband that has him actually safe enough to ask me to do things.

You literally have no responsibilities other than doing the litter once every few weeks when he can’t. You don’t pay any rent, despite always talking about how happy you are to be a housewife even though me and him do all of the housework and pay all the bills.

Your only job, is to pay off your credit card debt because in your infinite wisdom /sarc you got a card with an 8k spending limit and managed to max it in 2 months.

The solution to not having the energy to cook is not to reactivate that credit card you’re trying to pay off and spending $60 on food. Then getting upset about not having money on your credit card.

It’s asking one of us to cook, I usually can, your husband makes enough money to chip in if you need to order food, also we literally have a dedicated savings for when none of us can cook and we need to order food if we want to eat just? Use that?

The solution to not being able to put away the soup I asked you to fridge with is not pouring an entire pot of hot soup into the toilet (debatably more effort than putting the whole pot in the fridge, which had a spot cleared and everything.) then complaining when we’re short on food the next 3 days (I used the last of our shit to make a pot of soup that would’ve lasted us until we could afford groceries.)

It’s asking me to do it, I was literally in the next room pondering having another bowl before going to bed.

Also please, please tell me how in the blue fuck your bpd makes you drink my meds (one of em is a liquid I keep in the fridge. They’re not pleasant tasting and make you feel like SHIT for a while after.) They don’t even have any psychoactive properties they’re just like, prescribed nutrient shakes for when my eating disorder gets Real Bad.

#you don’t have to ignore it I don’t actually care that much #yes this is the same roommate I used to be dating who didn’t let me break up with her #it’s a time #I’m pretty sure she’s still convinced she’s dating me #if you were around for the era of me bitching about that congrats on being around for a year #and also putting up with my shit through like #4 different fandoms #I can’t afford to move which is annoying asf #but at least she’s not like #outright abusive #(at least to me bc i think she knows I wouldn’t stand for her shit if it was anything more than mildly annoying) #her bf is aware he jsut doesn’t have standards for himself #(we’re working on it) #I love being financially reliant on her bc we’re all disabled and if any one of us left everyone is fucked #at least I have my garden #and my games #and my silly fictional men

[antiloreolympus]

11 Anti LO Asks

1. I don't get it, weren't the fans praising Persephone for wanting to own up to her crimes and saying she deserves any punishment she receives? Why are they now upset she got a temporary punishment  that isn't even different from her life pre-uni? Why is Persephone upset too? It's not forever. It's almost as if the fans only care about the aesthetics of looking morally "good" while they really wanted her to get away with murder, and Persephone is a bad person who lied to keep up her nice facade.

2. I legit do not get why LO fans act as if it's some personal affront when people don't like it and even critique it. How self centered if their worldview to think everyone has to obsessively love and praise what they like? What reality are they living in where this is a thing? Get a grip, kids, you're not important and people not liking what you do is not a personal insult, it's just life.

3. LO would probably be better handled if it was put under an age restriction like more mature romances and other comics are, but WT and Rachel would never allow it because then they can't market it as YA and get the biggest draw of tweens and teens to spend their parents' money on it, so now LO is left w/ trying to be tween friendly while also trying to do serious topics with all the nuance of "bullying is bad >:(" but instead of bullying it's being critical of rich mass murdering slave owners 🤔

4. how does rachel have at bare minimum four people working on LO and it only looks worse?? like is it because they arent paid well, is the pay as low as the effort theyre expected to do. i dont care how much thhe fans are obsessed with it they seriously cant think this looks better??

5. What's going to preemptively anger me is that with IRL people I know, r/aita, and even tumblr anecdotes, giving a teen time away from a grown man for a long enough period of time usually results in the teen going, "wow, that was actually fucked up. thank you for stopping that disaster." Yet I KNOW that in LO, Persephone's probably gonna have her love grow by tenfold and miss her dearly totally-not-creepy beloved.

From OP: On a side note, I hate when fans try to justify the age gap by saying “it’s normal” or “perfectly fine since they’re adults” when most people (especially from tumblr, reddit, and just people irl) find it weird as hell and very questionable on the older person’s end. It’s just a blatant lie to try and justify this creepy dynamic.

6. introducing a major villain with no actual build up or reason for them to be in the plot right before a season finale is, no matter how you cut it, bad writing, and that's only one of several poorly planned and executed writing in this thing.

From OP: Yeah, even Apollo had some kind of foreshadowing. The only thing that hinted at Eris was an old tumblr ask from RS (Before LO became an original, RS said something about Eris and Hades having a bad date but that’s probably retconed) and Hera’s line to Hebe about getting her sister. With the sister thing, it’s too vague to pinpoint on Eris since she could also be Nyx’s daughter.

7. ok now LO fans are just lying and saying it was "always supposed to be a dark story" and people who are calling out it didn't develop these aspects well and it should have stuck to its original lighter tone "cant see context clues" like?? yes it did have SA shown early on ... which was IMMEDIATELY dropped and had rachel right way go into making puns! even persephone admitting she killed a village was framed with fart jokes and forced romcom flirting! how is that being a "dark and serious" story?

8. Rachel Smythe seems to have taken a weird approach to making HxP sympathetic? Like, I feel like she's trying to make the infinitely threatening villains more infinitely threatening as a way to make it seem like the rich, straight, cis, white coded deities in the story are the underdogs. The classism almost seems to come from her being too concerned about the image of rich people. Which, come to think of it, actually makes a lot of sense.

9. Even if we get Perse aow "justified" by Eris blessing it still doesn't mean she is innocent. She knew for a very long time that there is something "wrong" with her and she may be dangerous to others but she did nothing with it. Even now after everything that happened she still let that feeling affect her and didn't tell anyone beside Hades who equally doesn't care she may hurt someone again. Her wrath may be not her fault but her actions are

10. Part of me wonders if RS actually took any writing classes or even... just did basic research about how to write cohesive stories? The plot and timeline of LO is all over the place and it includes a lot of unnecessary scenes with characters who don't have a large bearing on the plot (like that whole subplot with Eros and Psyche, Thanatos and Daphne, that flashback with Persephone and the yellow war god who's name I can't remember. Like what was the point of that flashback? She could have just told us they'd met before and left it at that). Even just stuff that could have taken much less time than it did, such as those Medusa ladies spying, that dinner with HxP, Hera, and Zeus, or Hades taking the photographer's eye out.

I just always found the story very confusing to read. I've taken writing classes for my novels before and LO follows none of the guidelines for good writing.

11. I'm just upset that RS chose to make Persephone a young, impressionable literal teenager when she could have made Persephone an older, elegant goddess with years of knowledge and experience about how her world works. Like, if she wanted the r*pe subplot so badly, it could have been set up as Persephone deliberately avoiding Apollo/trying to expose him throughout the story, whilst the readers and Hades try to piece together what happened between them in the past before it's actually revealed. It also would have eliminated the gross age gape and Persephone acting like a child, etc. While we're at it, we could probably just take out that whole uncomfortable, unnecessary subplot where Apollo takes those photos.

#lore olympus critical #lo critical #anti lo #anti lore olympus

[xanderwithanx]

Chloe does night-time diary posts on HER tumblr, so I'm going to start doing them here, sometimes. It would be nice if you read it, but, please, don't feel obligated! This is more for me to write.

(I got tired of my normal journal, I guess. It's full of bad poetry anyway. Besides, where's the thrill of losing anonymity in a physical notebook?)

I've basically been asleep and depressed for several days, because I had withdrawal after not being able to get my adhd meds. But, I got it today, and DID THINGS. (This is SO much better than before!)

Today, I went to a small café or restaurant (focused on tea) called Alice's Teacup that was Alice in Wonderland themed! My long-standing obsession with Alice in Wonderland knows no bounds. It was a really cute place. I got pumpkin pancakes, and some really good iced tea. Like... REALLY good iced tea.

Still, it seemed like the entire place was geared towards having a pot of tea and snacks with your friends, which left me a bit lonely. The person I asked couldn't come, and by the time I heard back, I was more than halfway there. Still, I read Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead and watched Monty Python on my phone, so I still had a good time!

I dressed pretty eccentricly and effeminately all day, but, with my facial hair, I was ALWAYS coded as a man, even by people on the street! Pastels, a stupid hat, a crop top, and facial hair was a winning combination.

On my way, I was stopped by some guys soliciting for charity. I don't make a habit of stopping for strangers on the streets of Manhattan. What if it's a scam? What if I'm being pressured to buy something? What if it's a strange political rant? But, I had already taken my earbuds off, I wasn't in a hurry, and I'm terminally polite. The first guy said he liked my energy, which seemed to come from a genuine place, because I liked his too!

They were asking for donations for a breast cancer charity, the United Breast Cancer Foundation. After a discussion, it seems like the charity helps pay medical debt, medical bills, and other practical needs, which is much better than *some* others I could name. I regretted not being able to give their minimum there, as it was pretty high, but told them I'd give what I could when I got on the website.

I... did not. Money is tight, because I'm bad and irresponsible with money, even though this is more than a worthy cause. I didn't NEED to go to that tea place, and I don't NEED to spend so much money on food. Sure, I can justify it: I wanted to go to that place for so long, and it was near the college anyway! But, if I was responsible with money, you KNOW my friends direct fundraising drives would go first, worthy charities second. Still, I feel bad about it.

Then, I went to the college library, to get books to start my thesis research. I have literally been unable to go to the college itself, aside from getting my ID, so this was great! There just wasn't a reason. It was... very empty. I went to the library stacks, which was deathly quiet and deeply haunted by the old books. I half expected something to pop out at me, as I turned the stacks, but I wasn't even paranoid or anxious. It was like I was in something else's house. I was welcome, but on thin ice.

I picked up an irrelevant psychology book on the "schizophrenia problem" from the 1930s, out of morbid fascination, and quickly put it down when it threatened to shatter in my hands.

Some students walked past (which was a suprise in those monastic basement library stacks), and I added something to their conversation, in a totally natural and casual way. But, omg the poor girls, I made them jump! Luckily, I'm the least threatening person on earth, and we laughed it off.

After a lot of hunting, I got 5 out of my 10 books (for the most part)! (The rest are, sadly, online. I like to read physical copies.) Strangely, I only came in with a list to get 3 books out of 6.

Most of the books I got are about art in the AIDS crisis, which is the core of my thesis, I think, all with different value. One about exhibitions, one about the larger narrative of those gay artists, and another contradicting the larger narrative.

I also got a book about "Art and Homosexuality". Just, the parallel construction of both "art" and "homosexuality" across cultures and times, from earliest history to the modern age. It wasn't on my initial list, but I'm really excited to read it.

Finally, I got a book called "The Thief, the Cross and the Wheel", about the pain and spectacle of punishment in Medieval and Renaissance European art. I'm mainly interested in Italian Renaissance art of the crucifixion--and its masochism--for the second quarter of my thesis.

The rest are online, and Should mostly focus on Bacchus in the Italian Renaissance (especially through art) and what I call the art of "gay liberation", concurrent with the AIDS crisis (i.e. The Cockettes). These two topics make up the last half of my thesis.

I'm SO excited to get started!!

I even got to cross the college's sky-bridges! (The college is a few skyscrapers.) Still, the loneliness and novelty were kind of the same thought. Imagine if I had been here before COVID, or, if COVID hadn't happened. Who would I have been able to meet? What would the college buildings mean to me? Because, for now, they're just buildings. But, I got to see the street from above, and that was amazing!

Just walking through New York--the Upper East Side--on a cool, sunny day was beautiful. It takes 20-30 minutes to get from my place to the college (and the tea place), but it was great being able to listen to my music (a lot of They Might Be Giants on the playlist today) and see the city. You know, people, super cool old architecture being pushed out by terrible new architecture, and pigeons.

Oh my god, the pigeons. I took pictures, but none of them are good. I kept thinking about how pigeons and doves are functionally the same. We domesticated pigeons, which is why they're here, and no one is stopping to notice them? Even the ones that were splotched with pure white, like doves? There's only so many pigeons you can take until they're just white noise and a nuisance, I know, so don't think I'm blaming anyone! But it's so hard to look away from these quirky little birds.

Also, at one point my walk, I was vaping very strategicly. The mental task of searching through library stacks will do that to you, when you already have an addiction to nicotine. I made sure no one was around, and no one would be affected. I stopped on a corner next to an old, ornate Catholic church while the traffic light changed, and I almost juuled right next to a priest! I'm glad I stopped. I don't believe in Hell, but, I would have walked down there myself had I vaped at a priest. Still, the church advertised itself as LGBT+ friendly, so maybe they aren't so trigger happy on the damnation. Either way, I DIDN'T vape at a priest today, which is good.

Once I got back, I spent a few hours watching things with my amazing girlfriend Chloe, who you may know here as @cisphobiccommunistopinions. She is so beautiful, and I love her more every day, every time I see her. God, it's almost been 5 years!

I just wish I could spend more time with her. She's in Virginia, and I'm in New York. Like she said to me earlier, I'm flighty at the best of times, and, with my lack of object permanence for the digital world, I find myself not giving her the attention I deserve, or, the full connection I long to have with her. We used to live together. Luckily, someday we will live together again! All these problems won't be forever, and we can live together again.

We watched a lot of things, but we're pretty deep into Serial Experiments Lain right now. It's a postmodern anime from the 90s, and, wow, do I have no idea what's going on in it. It's about the internet, and potentially schizophrenia as well. However, I'm obsessed! One day I'll be able to crack this artistic code, and it's unreality, thematic knots, and double-meanings. I will probably understand it better on the second watch. I don't see myself in Lain, but I see my 14 year old self in her, when I had just developed schizophrenia. Her cyberpunk fate seems like it's railroaded towards tragedy, but I want to save her, even if it's silly and irrational.

I told Chloe that I was scared about spilling apple cider on my library books, and she referred to it as "The Great Apple Juice Disaster of September 11, 2021." To which I said that it was the second worst thing to happen in New York on that date. It was funnier if you were there, and also were in my brain at the time.

Anyway, tomorrow I'm meeting some online acquaintances from the college's "Queer Srudent Union" at a Japanese Culture Fair in a park. (I do not know which park.) It emphasizes "fun"! I don't know them very well, but they're friends with the one person I know irl, so it should be good.

Tomorrow night, I should Probably head downtown to check out a gallery show by MFA (masters of fine arts) students at Hunter! After all, I was in a group project with one of them, and they're absolutely brilliant. I missed the Thursday gallery opening by a landslide, because of the aforementioned lack of adhd meds and Being Asleep, which I infinitely regret. I could have listened to all the artists and curators talk about their art and exhibition! Maybe I could have even talked with the artists and curators. But, it's best for me to go sooner, rather than later, so I don't forget. And, I REALLY want to go.

It's "This dialogue which happened to be present in all other dialogues" at the Alyssa Davis Gallery. From the email I got, "Each of these works observes a threshold of transition. [...] [These] intimations [are] of a frame of mind shared by the artists. These works perform, record, access, engage, document, and entrap, embalming the viewer within the gallery space."

sgp is a really good artist, by the way. Their work is just next-level. Be sure to check out their art, if you have a chance. Let me link their portfolio: https://saragracepowell.com/

(I highly suspect spg and the other member of my group project ghosted me afterwards, but I understand. I was really in over my head. Still, they're both really sweet and kind people, don't get it twisted!)

I ALSO really want to see The Cake Boys. They're performing at the 3 Dollar Bill in Brooklyn on September 26th. (It's only $15!) They're the only all drag king collective in NYC! (Are... there any Other all drag king collectives out there?) Other than the fact that a lot of them are trans or nonbinary, which I love, this show is a totally non-judgmental competition for over 40 drag kings! I've heard their shows are hilarious and unique.

I just have to wait until I have $15 to spare. I... didn't eat dinner tonight, because I'm irresponsible with my money and don't want to ask my parents for money... again. Don't worry, it's literally fine, and I don't make a habit of doing this!

Which reminds me! For my birthday, my parents gave me a gift card to Lush! I'm definitely going to Lush tomorrow, which will be great. I would describe my personality as "Lush store employee acosting you about a bath bomb demonstration", so I'll fit right in.

I also made a transition timeline, to show how much I've changed on testosterone. For the better, I hope! I really believe I'm becoming, if not Have Become, the man I was always meant to be. It's so strange to look back at who I was not too long ago, and to know the absolute pain I was in. It's also strange, in a good way, to see the man looking back at me in the selfies. I'm so much happier now! Much more candid in my pictures, at least. But, I know that I'm so much more comfortable as myself than I was even 6 months ago. It's strange. Sometimes I think to myself, "I don't pass yet; I'm not who I Need To Be yet." Then, I look at my selfie from today, and... I'm THERE. My mind just hasn't caught up with my amazing, natural, normal reality.

The end. I have to get ready for bed, (even though I could be partying on a Saturday night in the city. I'm lame.) If you actually read this, I am kissing you on the mouth right now. I hope it made you calm down tonight, like a terrible bedtime story. If you didn't read it and just skipped to the end, don't worry: you did the rational thing.

#long post #diary entry

[skold]

do all of them 👀 (the love ask)

GOD okay fine but only cuz i’m a lovesick heartbroken cancer venus

throwing it under a read more for length and i removed the questions i already answered

1. What do you search for in a partner?

emotional capacity/caring. interest in spooky things so we actually have shit in common. physical touch love language kinda energy. preferably also queer. says fuck gender roles. leftist.

3. What do you like about relationships?

god not to be such a cancer venus but literally everything

4. Do you get jealous easily?

kind of?? only in ceertain contexts. like if i’m in a d/s dynamic with somebody and it’s not romantic or exclusive then i might be low key jealous of their other partners but not to an extent where it’d ever be a thing. if it’s an exclusive kinda thing i’m pretty touchy about my s/o flirting with other people cuz of my own insecurities.

5. Have you ever had a jealous partner?

my ex bf wasn’t jealous so much as he was possessive. which was fine with me i don’t mind that

7. Where is the worst place to go for a date?

this might be an unpopular opinion BUT clubs/shows..... if i can’t talk to them what’s the point

8. What is the best thing to do on date?

taaaaalk i just want to talk to my person okay

9. Describe the worst date you’ve ever been on.

i went to the orange county fair with my ex gf once which like, it was alright, but it was fuckin hot and it was my last day in LA with her so we were both kinda sad and my dad also kinda ruined it by getting mad at me for how i spent the spending money he gave me to do whatever i want with lmao

10. Which is more attractive: a naturally attractive person or a person who puts in the effort to be attractive?

i have always said that anybody can be super hot if they style themselves in a way i’m into y’know. i mean. look at most of the band guys i’m into lmao most of them aren’t naturally that conventionally attractive or are downright weird looking

11. What is the best gift you have ever received for Valentine’s day?

i don’t remember if i ever got a valentine’s day gift??

13. When was the last time you got angry at someone you loved?

bro i get mad at my stepdad every fuckin day lmao

14. When was the last time someone you loved made you sad?

i am constantly fucking sad lmao but earlier this month i found out some of my friends organized something and didn’t invite me and that really bummed me the fuck out

15. When is it okay to be impulsive in a relationship?

i really don’t think impulsivity is necessarily a bad thing

16. What is the best way to break up with someone?

i mean. in person obviously. but if you’re long distance you should probably at least call the person lmao

17. What is the best way to ask someone out?

casually tbh pls don’t make it a Thing

18. Have you ever been asked to homecoming or prom? What was it like?

no lmao i was diagnosed with ugly fat and weird in high school so nobody ever was into me

19. Do you like planning dates or do you just go with the flow?

both are good!! like i like to have a Thing to do but then we can just vibe afterwards y’know

20. Do you believe you are high maintenance? If not, why not?

i probably am but only because of the trauma/mental illness cuz i need so much reassurance and comforting and i have a lot of weird hangups

21. Which is better: a lover who cares too much or a lover that cares too little?

imo there’s no such thing as a lover that cares too much?

22. Do you believe playing hard to get is necessary?

no lmao it’s fucking stupid. just level with me

23. Which of these do you prefer: an assertive partner or a submissive partner?

give me outgoing assertive in the streets and subby slutty in the sheets y’know

24. Does true love exist? Can you love someone fully despite all of his/her flaws?

yes!!!! i refuse to believe that it doesn’t

25. Are your standards “too high?”

i?? don’t know??? i don’t think it’s unreasonable to want a spooky leftist as the minimum requirements lmao

26. Have you ever fallen in love?

unfortunately..................

27. Is there an ideal age for marriage? What is it, if there is?

nah

28. What are your thoughts on arranged marriages?

[cancer venus noises] marriage should be for LOVE or for scamming the government

29. When was the last time you got rejected by someone you liked?

i don’t remember cuz i never shoot my shot lmao. probably when somebody ignored a tinder dm or something

30. When was the last time you rejected someone who liked you?

middle school?? i think??

31. Have you ever been cheated on?

no

32. Have you ever cheated on someone?

no

33. What are your thoughts on sex before marriage?

i do not care what other people choose to do with their bodies lmao

34. Do you know the difference between asexuality and demisexuality?

i mean i THINK so

35. What is the best relationship advice you have ever been given?

i honestly can’t think of anything lmao

36. Are you a heartbreaker or the heartbroken?

perma heartbroken

37. Can you love someone without knowing anything about his/her past?

i think so but like to truly love someone fully then no i think u do need to know someone’s past

38. Is the phrase “I love you” used too loosely? When should it be used?

i think as long as u mean it u should say that shit!! even if it’s platonic love or familial love y’know

39. When was the last time you said “I love you” to someone?

to my mom a couple hours ago when she went to bed

40. Are you the person who says “I love you” first or the type to wait for your significant other to say it?

i’m the one who says it first lmao

41. Have you met your significant other? If not, where do you think you will meet your significant other?

i’m single as fuck and i mean. probably on the internet cuz my person sure as shit don’t live in this horrible place lmao

42. Imagine if the people you knew in real life were the only people you could marry. Could you be satisfied marrying any of these people?

i would be happy to enter a scam marriage with any of my irl friends

43. Do you give second chances?

i be giving people infinite chances cuz i’m a fuckin clown

44. Have you ever been given a second chance?

more so as friends. my first ex gf and i broke up and we kinda tried the dating thing again but scrapped it cuz we just weren’t vibing but we’re still rly good friends

#Anonymous #asks

[realitv]

Get to know the blogger!

Tagged by miss @lapeirla​ thank you honeycake  I’m tagging IF I HAVE ONLY SPOKEN TO YOU ONCE CONSIDER THIS BEING TAGGED.

FIRST NAME REDACTED. call me claire. 

STRANGE FACT ABOUT YOURSELF when eating pizza, i have to systematically take off every topping one at a time, by topping, eat each topping, eat the cheese, eat the sauce, and only then can i consume the bread. yes, i know it’s weird. yes, i eat pies and cakes in the same manner. yes, i’ve always done it thusly despite my family trying to teach me how to eat those things ‘properly’.

TOP THREE PHYSICAL THINGS YOU FIND ATTRACTIVE ON A PERSON kind eyes, warm smiles, well-fitted clothes. 

A FOOD YOU COULD EAT FOREVER AND NOT GET BORED OF eggs benedict. so many variations and combinations! i loooove runny poached eggs and hollandaise sauce. i love love love eggs benedict florentine. the spinach just hits different. i love love loooove to go out and eat them. with friends. honourable mentions go to braised red cabbage, soft pretzels, and caramel apples. 

A FOOD YOU HATE i haven’t come across any food i haven’t liked as an adult yet and i always try to eat things once. 

GUILTY PLEASURE kraft fucking dinner. 

WHAT DO YOU SLEEP IN pjs. occasionally 50 different sweaters if i’m cold. 

SERIOUS RELATIONSHIPS OR FLINGS serious relationships only if you can’t court me like it’s 1823 and you’re yearning for a glimpse of the curve of my wrist i don’t fucking want you. 

IF YOU COULD GO BACK IN THE PAST AND CHANGE ONE THING ABOUT YOUR LIFE, WOULD YOU AND WHAT WOULD IT BE my friends keep sending me the ‘aren’t you tired of being nice meme’ and yes bitch i am a lot of things in my life could have been avoided if i’d just put my foot down and.... not been a doormat for more than 4 seconds. still working on these things, yes. but such is life. i wish i’d been a little more social in high school but so far college is working well for me lol. i wish i could take more chances. try to take more chances. 

ARE YOU AN AFFECTIONATE PERSON i am! verbally i can be more prone to insulting my friends (with the occasional Super Serious Soft Bit) but i’m more prone to hugs or words of encouragement, endearments, and i looooove to play with my friends’ hair and hold their hands. my friend surprised us last year by coming home from germany for her birthday and i cried when she video called me from our friend’s flat lol. 

A MOVIE YOU COULD WATCH OVER AND OVER AGAIN oh... hm. i don’t consider it a film but i could watch the new york opera company’s production of the merry widow for ever and ever and ever. 

FAVORITE BOOK deathless. i’m sorry i’m a deathless stan.

YOU HAVE THE OPPORTUNITY TO KEEP ANY ANIMAL AS A PET, WHAT DO YOU CHOOSE i grew up with german shepherds and miniature schnauzers, so i’d love to have some of my own one day. 

TOP FIVE FICTIONAL SHIPS [IF YOU ARE AN RP BLOG, YOU CAN USE YOUR OWN SHIPS AS WELL] elizabeth/mr darcy, jim/pam, reid/prentiss, belle/adam, rick/michonne. 

PIE OR CAKE pie. all types of pie. pie pie pie pie pie pie. always pie. so many times of pie. i love fruits. 

FAVORITE SCENT lilacs! 

CELEBRITY CRUSH .....gillian anderson. 

IF YOU COULD TRAVEL ANYWHERE, WHERE WOULD YOU GO i’m supposed to be visiting my aunts and uncles in germany next year so we’ll see how that goes lol. i want to go back to florence. 

INTROVERT OR EXTROVERT introverted extrovert. 

DO YOU SCARE EASILY yeah im a weenie. 

IPHONE OR ANDROID i got converted to iphone sorry lads. 

DO YOU PLAY ANY VIDEO GAMES yes! the fuck hell fuck that is bioshock infinite was my first. i like the bioshock series in general, LOVE THE SIMS, the first 4 assassin’s creed games, and da:i. 

DREAM JOB honestly idk but i would like to work in broadcasting graphics. 

WHAT WOULD YOU DO WITH A MILLION DOLLARS buy a flat in toronto and give gifts of money to my friends. 

FICTIONAL CHARACTER YOU HATE serena fucking joy fucking waterford. but i also love her but make no mistake if i saw her irl i’d snap her like a twig. 

FANDOM THAT YOU WERE ONCE A PART OF BUT AREN’T ANY LONGER technically im still part of the bioshock fandom but im old and only write my muse on discord now. god.... that fandom was Hell. 

#📺❝ BLOWS A KISS TO THE TV: FOR THE MASS MEDIA ( ooc. )

[spearxwind]

thanks

it should all be updated now!! ty!! 

dkjfkfdj god im glad. theres like.... 50 million adri asks in my inbox rn and idk when theyre from or what theyre referring to but just know i love u all a lot and the fact that you like him this much makes my day every day ty yall

im glad you like her!! i havent had much of a chance to draw her, esp. since i mostly use her to represent myself, but eventually I might :’) sorry i cant give a more specific answer im definitely planning on redoing her ref sheet though... at some point

yea

we’re doing PRETTY GOOD ive got a lot of his story down and ive finally, after THREE YEARS. nailed down the lore in a good way so its all dandy and ive been really good!! busy with irl stuff and visiting my friends and doing a lot of cool things, ive honestly never been better -w- 

as of right now though, adri’s been in timeout for about two weeks and i am seriously holding back from drawing him so i can focus on other ocs and other projects kjsdkjlshsj but you guys won’t really catch the timeout I guess since im going to be spamming art for the next 10 days (both of him and other ocs though. but you probably wont catch him on timeout is what im saying. not that i havent kept yall on timeout for 3 months whoops)

god i didnt even think anyone remembered nulll.... ty my dude. i actually came across all my old art of him the past couple days bc i was organizing all my files and yknow, i might bring him back at some point (but dont hold your breath...... im notorious for forgetting these types of promises)

IM SORRY IM SO VERY LATE ANSWERING THIS BUT THANK YOU SO MUCH THIS LITERALLY MEANS THE WORLD TO ME IM !!!! [SADCAT EMOJI] 

youll be.......... happy to know im starting another comic though (dont worry, i probably wont leave this one half done. its been in development for 6+ years kljhksjdfhskjghl) 

my art tag up to now consists almost entirely of art made on firealpaca! its a free, lightweight and versatile program and ive drawn on it for years. I recently bought CSP since im going to be a lot more serious about my art now, and I also got to a point in firealpaca where id already learned how to do mostly everything and the limited brush engine was holding me back, so i waited for CSP to go on sale and WOW it is absolutely amazing, theres SO MANY tools and brushes you can download for free, its literally mindblowing. i really really recommend it if you’re willing to put the money in

i do know of other free programs that you could use though! there’s medibang paint, its also very powerful however for me it was really counterintuitive to learn 

and there’s KRITA as well which has several brush engines instead of just one ! 

theres mischief, its a program that uses vectors to draw so you could infinitely scale your drawing up or down  and never lose quality. its a paid program but there’s a free version, the only problem is that it only lets you have one layer

_____________________________________________________________

OKAY thats all the like... asks that i can actually give an answer to. the others I either dont know how to respond, dont require an answer or the like, but i promise ive read every one of them! !

im going to clear my inbox now to make space for all the new asks :3 ty yall

#ask #ask dump #long post

[bitchimlugoobrious]

I just finished reading Walden for the first time and people seem to have ~opinions~ on Thoreau, but personally, I enjoyed his imagery and even think he might’ve been pretty cool irl. Here’s some quotes I highlighted:

“[Thoreau] came early to recognize that some of his awkwardness in his social life was bound up with his own dissatisfactions, with looking for something, while all around him his fellow citizens seem to take their lives as they found them...”

“[Thoreau] was convinced that every singular existence, if it could be clearly perceived, could reveal, within itself, the whole, all that there is.”

“I should not talk so much about myself if there were anybody else whom I knew as well.”

“What old people say you cannot do, you try and find that you can.”

“This is the only way, we say; but there are as many ways as there can be drawn radii from one center. All change is a miracle to contemplate; but it is a miracle which is taking place every instant.”

“We are in great haste to construct a magnetic telegraph from Maine to Texas; but Maine andTexas, it may be, have nothing important to communicate.”

“... to maintain one’s self on this earth is not a hardship but a pastime, if we will live simply and wisely...”

“The youth may build or plant or sail, only let him not be hindered from doing that which he tells me he would like to do.”

“But I would not stand between any man and his genius; and to him who does this work, which I decline, with his whole heart and soul and life, I would say, Perservere, even if the world call it doing evil, as it is most likely they will.”

“Be sure that you give the poor the aid they most need, though it be your example which leaves them far behind.”

“His goodness must not be a partial and transitory act, but a constant superfluity, which costs him nothing and of which he is unconscious.”

“I found myself suddenly neighbor to the bird; not by having imprisoned one, but having caged myself near them.”

“Morning is when I am awake and there is a dawn in me. Moral reform is the effort to throw off sleep.”

“We must learn to reawaken and keep ourselves awake, not by mechanical aids, but by an infinite expectation of the dawn, which does not forsake us in our soundest sleep.”

“It is something to be able to paint a particular picture, or to carve a statue, and so to make a few objects beautiful; but it is far more glorious to carve and paint the very atmosphere and medium through which we look, which morally we can do. To affect the quality of the day, that is the highest of arts.”

“I went to the woods because I wished to live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of life, and see if I could not learn what it had to teach, and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived. I did not wish to live what was not life, living is so dear; nor did I wish to practice resignation, unless it was quite necessary. I wanted to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life, to live so sturdily and Spartan-like as a put to rout all that was not life, to cut a broad swath and shave close, to drive life into a corner, and reduce it to its lowest terms, and, if it proved to be mean, why then to get the whole and genuine meanness of it, and publish its meanness to the world; or if it were sublime, to know it by experience, and be able to give a true account of it in my next excursion.”

“But if we stay at home in mind our business, who will want railroads?”

“God himself culminates in the present moment, and will never be more divine in the lapse of all the ages.”

“We meet at meals three times a day, and give each other a new taste of that old musty cheese that we are.”

“In our most trivial walks, we are constantly, though unconsciously, steering like pilots by certain well-known beacons and headlands, and if we go beyond our usual course we still carry in our minds the bearing of some neighboring cape…”

“Not till we are lost, in other words not to we have lost the world, do we begin to find ourselves, and realize where we are in the infinite extent of our relations.”

“Give me the poverty that enjoys true wealth.”

“If the day and the night are such that you greet them with joy, and life emits a fragrance like flowers and sweet-scented herbs, is more elastic, more starry, more immortal, - that is your success. All nature is your congratulation, and you have caused momentarily to bless yourself. The greatest gains and values are farthest from being appreciated. We easily come to doubt if they exist. We soon forget them. They are the highest reality. Perhaps the fax most astounding and most real are never communicated by man-to-man. The true harvest of my daily life is somewhat as intangible and indescribable as the tints of morning or evening. It is a little star-dust caught, a segment of the rainbow which I have clutched.”

“There is never an instant’s truce between virtue and vice. Goodness is the only investment that never fails.”

“Every man is the builder of a temple, called his body, to the god he worships, after a style purely his own...”

“... but what beside safety they got by sailing in the middle of Walden I do not know, unless they love its water for the same reason that I do.”

“A house whose inside is as open and manifest as a bird’s nest...”

“Nature puts no questions and answers none which we mortals ask. She has long ago taken her resolution.”

“Heaven is under our feet as well as over our heads.”

“In spring the sun not only exerts an influence through the increase temperature of the air and earth, but its heat passes through ice a foot or more thick, and is reflected from the bottom in shallow water, and so also warms the water and melts the underside of the ice, at the same time that it is melting it more directly above, making it uneven, and causing the air bubbles which contains to extend themselves upward and downward until it is completely honeycombed, and at last disappears suddenly in a single spring rain.”

“The day is an epitome of the year. The night is the winter, the morning and evening are the spring and fall, and the noon is this summer.”

“I am affected as if in a particular sense I stood in the laboratory of the Artist who made the world and me, - had come to where he was still at work, sporting on this bank, and with excess of energy strewing his fresh designs about.”

“The very globe continually transcends and translates itself, and becomes winged in its orbit.”

“A single gentle rain makes the grass many shades greener. So our prospects brighten on the influx of better thoughts. We should be blessed if we lived in the present always, and took advantage of every accident that befell us, like the grass which confesses the influence of the slightest dew that falls on it; and did not spend our time in atoning for the neglect of past opportunities, which we call doing our duty.”

“We can never have enough of nature. We must be refreshed by the sight of inexhaustible vigor, vast and titanic features, the seacoast with its wrecks, the wilderness with its living and its decaying trees, the thunder-cloud, and the rain which lasts three weeks and produces freshets. We need to witness our own limits transgressed, and some life pasturing freely where we never wander.”

“Compassion is a very untenable ground. It must be expeditious. Its pleadings will not bear to be stereotyped.”

The last are only from the Conclusion:

“ The universe is wider than our views of it.”

“Patriotism is a maggot in their heads.”

“ I learned this, at least, by my experiment: that if one advances confidently in the direction of his dreams, and endeavors to live the life which he has imagined, he will meet with a success unexpected in common hours. He will put some things behind, will pass an invisible boundary; new, universal, and more liberal laws will begin to establish themselves around and within him; or the old laws will be expanded, and interpreted in his favor in a more liberal sense, and he will live with the license of a higher order of beings. In proportion as he simplifies his life, the laws of the universe will appear less complex, and solitude will not be solitude, nor poverty poverty, nor weakness weakness. If you have built castles in the air, your work need not be lost; that is where they should be. Now put the foundations under them.”

“Let everyone mind his own business, and endeavor to be what he was made.”

“If a man does not keep pace with his companions, perhaps it is because he hears a different drummer. Let him step to the music which he hears, however measured or far away.”

“Sat what you have to say, not what you ought. Any truth is better than make-believe.”

“However mean your life is, meet it and live it; do not shun it and call it hard names.”

“Cultivate poverty like a garden herb, like sage. Do not trouble yourself much to get new things, whether clothes or friends. Turn the old; return to them. Things do not change; we change. Sell your clothes and keep your thoughts.”

“Humility like darkness reveals the heavenly lights.”

“Money is not required to buy one necessary of the soul.”

“Rather than love, than money, than fame, give me truth.”

#walden #life in the woods #henry david thoreau #thoreau #environmentalism #not sure why i thought this post was necessary #literature

[avengerofyourheart]

NYE Retro Bash with Chris Evans

YOU GUYYYSSSSS. 

I still feel like last night was just a dream but then I see all the amazing videos I took and it all comes back. This is without a doubt the most memorable New Year’s Eve of my life and I’ll look back on it for years to come. 

SO. Here’s how it all happened. I saw a post on tumblr about this New Year’s Bash and GASP. It was taking place only 40 minutes from me! Double checked the tweet Chris had retweet and....ITS REALLY HAPPENING WHAT. Texted a friend to see if she wanted to come, she doubted the reality of it because HOW, WHY, WHAT. But yes. It was happening. We had to go. So I bought 2 tickets. 

Apparently, other people had trouble buying tickets but I guess I was super lucky. I heard that tickets were limited but I didn't realize HOW limited until I checked the venue and saw that the capacity was only 125 people. AHH. IT’S GONNA BE SMALL AND INTIMATE AND I’M NERVOUS AND EXCITED I CAN’T WAIT. That was my thought process. 

There was some drama regarding transportation and the friend I was going with I hadn’t actually met IRL yet (not from tumblr, more like snapchat and Instagram. It’s an interesting way to meet people.) But in the end I drove 45 minutes south to meet her and then we headed up the canyon in her friends car to Park City! :D 

For those who have never been, Park City is a small-ish skiing town in the mountains were Sundance Film Festival also happens every year. (Which was founded by Robert Redford, who played Alexander Pierce in Captain America: The Winter Soldier, in case you weren't aware.) Anyway, we park in a parking garage and walk through the lobby of a hotel and once we reach the street, the venue is RIGHT THERE. AHH. There was a bit of a line and it was SOOOO COLD.  Like, single digits. Fahrenheit. We only had to wait about 10 minutes before they started checking ID’s and letting people in.

High West Distillery is basically a ski-in/ski-out bar. It was even smaller than I envisioned so people got cozy really quickly and there was a velvet rope sectioning off part of the dance floor with some stools and couches there. The second friend, Natalie, went in search of the bathroom so it was just Vanessa the Instagram Friend and I. 

She leaned toward me. “Read my eyes.” Um...what? It took me wayyyyyy too long to figure out that she was hinting that Chris was standing RIGHT OVER THERE BEHIND THE ROPE 15 FEET FROM ME. WHAT. I spotted his friend first, the one who posted the photo on the plane. Adam LaVorgna, another actor who I recognized from the Jonathan Taylor Thomas movie “Home for Christmas” haha! But then I saw who he was standing next to and...I whipped my head back around toward Vanessa, eyes wide. 

“See?? That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you!” she yelled over the music. 

Holy. Crap. I tried to get another covert sneak peek but it was almost like looking directly at the sun, I had to avert my gaze. Wow. I just saw Chris Evans with my very own eyes. Dressed in a pair of jeans, dark blue sweater, bit of scruff on the chin, and a blue Boston Red Sox baseball hat, he looked gooooood. *swoon* 

We still had no idea what the “plan” was for the night, since he was supposedly the host, but we mostly just danced to the music, chatted with friends and tried not to panic at his close proximity. The room continued to fill and some people were let past the velvet rope and he greeted them. Such a sweetheart. I know they were calling it a “Retro Bash” but I guess I didn’t realize it was so literal??? People were arriving in full-on 80s regalia and a few guys wore mullet wigs and sunglasses (one of which turned out to be Miles Teller, but I didn’t find out til later. oops.) 

Anyway, a DJ played for the first hour or so until The Midnight came on stage. I knew some of their music before finding out about this, but the past few days I put their albums on shuffle to familiarize myself. They’re more techno than I’m used to but I really liked it and in the party scene, their vibe was perfect! Chris got so excited and sang along, dancing or air drumming to the beat. ha! So cute. He kept saying “This is my favorite song” but he said that about 4 songs. :D Bless him. 

There was a guy in the VIP section who looked familiar and I finally figured it out. He’s also a friend of Sebastian’s, Charles Chu (Choodius_maximus on instagram) he was wearing a huuuuuge black afro wig. We bumped elbows a few times while dancing so that was cool. One degree from Sebastian Stan!! I’m getting there! ha! :D 

Ironically, The Midnight did NOT play until midnight. Their set ended around 11:15pm so the DJ returned and he was great. Interesting song transitions and a good variety, too. Dancing continued and I got a few more videos of Chris, covertly. I didn’t want to seem creepy so I kinda panned the camera around and caught him a few times. Seeing Chris Evans dance and sing to “Living on a Prayer” is official a highlight in my life. I have evidence of it, too. :D He seemed to be living his best life, having a few drinks and dancing with friends. I loved seeing him this way, personally, rather than situations that might make him anxious or uncomfortable. He is a gem and we don’t deserve him. 

Midnight crept closer and the DJ started the countdown. Happy New Year!!! I caught the moment on video and finally showed my face. :) I was there, too!! Couples kissed and hugs were shared. From what we could tell, no smooches for Mr. Evans but plenty of hugs. I don’t like to speculate about his personal life, I just want him to be happy. :) 

I really wasn’t sure what to expect initially and I did wonder if he might interact or step up to the mic at some point as the “host” but as a whole, I had an amazing time! People asked if I met him, talked to him, got a pic with him. No, I didn’t, but that’s perfectly okay with me. Proximity while in his element is good enough for me. Maybe I’ll meet him at a con some day and mention last night. Maybe. As for now, I have photos and videos and memories that will last a lifetime. 

Thank you all for following my Instagram story. It’s now in my highlights there on my page and I will continue to share videos here. I’m infinitely glad that I jumped at the chance of seeing him and it was more than worth the money, 3 hours of driving, lost sleep, temporary hearing loss, and sore legs from dancing. :) 

Happy New Year to you all!! 

#nye 19 #chris evans #high west distillery #nye retro bash with chris evans #fan encounter #sorta #new years eve #happy new year #yes this really happened #ahhhhh

[blancapadlla]

merry christmas, diana!

surprise! im ur secret santa! im sorry! this is a really lame gift and i was gonna send you something, but u know? plans change, people change. and i was thinking like? if im being  honest? i was being too ambitious thinking that i was gonna send you something like i still have the gift i bought you for your birthday (LAST YEAR! IT’S NOT EVEN FROM THIS YEAR! IT’S FROM LAST YEAR!) and like? me? shipping things out? in a box? going to the mail service place? me? when i dont even have a license to go myself? i’ve had a note in my phone where it has your address saved and telling me to ship out your gift but literally? where is the gift? in my closet. and i thought “wow i can ship her something i buy from amazon and just ship it to her house!” but then i was like? bitch if u do that then what about her physical gift? are u just gonna buy it twice? waste ur money like that bc ur a dumb ass who cant go to the mail service that ships things? dumb. anyways i don’t really know where i was going with that i feel like i had a plan but after typing all that i  kinda forgot so aha x moving on!

under the cut is ur letter xx

diana, diana, diana. our one and only libra, ½ of the goblin sisters (theres 7 of us but like. u and xan are the only ones like BLOOD blood related to each other but we’re all like. blood sisters still bc we upgraded to a cult earlier this year), the og pink aesthetic (i say og bc tien always tried to steal ur aesthetic in ur absence), miss immortal emo goffix herself, the most likely to become  instagram famous, a tru sailor moon fan (sailor venus thats u), the gaming sister, an actual crackhead, most likely to get a sugar daddy first, backseat/car survivor, and the goblins resident fashionista w the fits!

merry christmas and happy new years! or late christmas and new years because we’re sharing this jan 5th?? either way im sorry this is such a lame gift i was gonna do what i usually do which is a set with 10 favs, but i know lana is ur ult og so i was just like?? ill make her a lana set that’s kinda aesthetic but u kno aesthetics r hard idk how u do it like. i see the series u make n im just in awe like ! o she’s TALENTED talented! ugh we STAN! im forever grateful that ur in my life and that we got together 4/5 years ago. i dont express it much but i love u so much and im so so grateful for u. ur kind sweet funny SMART! understanding daring n v witty/sassy/idk what word to use???? i love seeing ur pics on insta and ur vlogs in the snapchat group chat. i see pink n i just think of u bc pink really is u n ur color like i just associate that color w u now. and lana like i see lana n i see u. i love seeing how passionate u get over certain things and ranting w u whenever the  goblins choose to rant about something (especially political rants) r always  my favorite bc we can  just talk n let it out n hearing what u have to say is so interesting n cool bc wow ur so young but ur so involved like i remember when u helped do that campaign thingy for (bernie? i think? idk  i just remember u passing something out but its still involvement!) and u also care so much like! LOVE that STAN that! idk what ive mentioned bc im forgetting while i write this but! i know u dont open up alot bc ur a libra n thats how u r naturally but know that im grateful n happy whenever u do choose to open up n its ok that u dont open up often like! we can wait whenever u ready n comfy to tell us u know bc its always gonna b ur own choice when u wanna tell us something n we’re always gonna wanna kno n hear when ur ready! we stan a private queen who lets us know when she wants stan understanding privacy bc thats allowed! always!  

since i couldn’t ship u a present like i wanted because im a dumb bitch who still hasnt sent in yout 18th birthday present, heres a pinterest board made just for u. in the like. non section area is just the general aesthetic  i have in my mind for u which is literally just pink and glitter. n theres like a pic of a knife in pink n i think thats u bc u know. pink n girly but also edgy n could cut a bitch if needed u feel? n then i added sections of ur favs and ill update  the pinterest every now n then n u can look back if u ever feel like it u kno? the board will always b up for u love  u 

i think im just rambling at this point but basically i love u sm and all the memories we’ve made in the past 4/5 years from the night goblin calls/chats to the many rps we’ve been together in to the minecraft days and BOTH of us suffering bc aye and tien dont know how to NOT  kill each other and since we always end up rooming w the killers its our stuff that gets  destroyed too like. u n me r just tryna have cute rooms n w the aesthetics but literally aye n tien just wanna play w lava INSIDE n ugh rip us for suffering we really r done dirty huh. anyways love u so much im sorry for such a lame gift difosjdfiosd i love u im sorry love u love u love u i hope ur 2019 is filled with love and gratitude n happiness and u can end the year feeling satisfied. im here for u always even if i dont express it all the time n im always rooting for u n ill always b on ur side always ok love u infinitely long time no going back xx

i just remembered this out of no where but also love u so much thanks for being a rich bitch with me like… ur a fashionista irl and online and im only a fashionista online but wow…. us on imvu were so iconic.. the rich bitches ugh LOVE that for us love u thats its i really hope i remember to  unprivate the pinterest board n link it here before we post wow love u so  much thank u for relating to the thirst thing w u kiss kiss 

#diana #ng gifts #MERRY LATE CHRISTMAS I LOVE U

[nsw4133]

Hi! I’m NSW4133, the one-person show behind this blog page! So first of all, thank you for reading this, thank you for checking out the stuff on my page, and thank you for liking/reblogging/following my stuff! Thank you so much for spending time on me when really everything in 2018 is all about grabbing your precious attention and phone time. Long story ahead, so if you don’t like reading, please skip :)

Why NSW4133

For a good while, I was going to go for Not Safe For Work, but then it became Not Safe for the World. The numbers was really because in the sea of IDs, you need numbers to distinguish your email accounts. I will retain the pseudonym NSW4133 for stuff I put in here, unless life changed course and suddenly I think it’s cool for me to have my real name associated with this page. Because to be honest, there are so many things I would like to explore artistically that I simply can’t do it IRL, with my actual legal name. Not necessarily sexual themes, but also, if the art direction calls for sexual/genital/minor fetish stuff, I don’t ever want to feel like I’m holding back either. The only thing I hope to do with it is to make it tasteful, not trashy. Disclosure: I was raised in a Christian home. I can’t call myself a Christian. A lot of people in my home community cannot accept me if I ever tell them that, er… I am queer and I do a shit ton of tarot art. So while I do mention a lot of Christian stuff or biblical themes in my work, please don’t feel offended. I’m not here to make fun of anyone, or convert anyone, or threaten anyone of going to hell with my work. I’m a living contradiction, all these religious experiences are still part of my personal history, and I find it important to allow it to come out if the card triggers something in me. It’s not the most pleasant existence, and I allow that to show through in my work. The only good thing is that right now I’m not kicked out of the house just yet. This is my tiny oasis out in the vast internet space, but it is a growing place, so perhaps by next year I will say something totally different instead.

Why I draw tarot

I graduated in 2017 with an art degree and the scariest thing they talk about in college is not about how terrible the assignments were, but everything that happens after college. Will I be a starving artist? Will I even be doing art? Will I survive my day job?

This year has been challenging in the sense that I am discovering a new side of myself, post grad. I have no idea how/when I create stuff. Or what I even like to draw when the pressures of homework are removed. And how to balance that with my whittling paycheck and my unstable job situation. And the fact that I’m transitioning between countries. All I know is that I do not want to be like this super bitter professor who barks at us to get better at design by drawing more, but he himself can’t draw to save his life. I hated him, but I hated how pitiful he must have looked compared to everyone that graduated the same time as him. My school is not a big school and it is stuck in a rural(read: Pokemon town sized) part of Missouri. Yeah, not a good look. But I recognised that this could have easily been me. I too, could be like this jerk, if I’m not careful. So that’s why I’m scrambling to find a way to make sure I’m at least doing something artistically, even if I don’t earn the big money. Enter tarot.

There was this one time I attended an Adobe Creative Jam and there was this speaker who was talking about her journey in tarot designs, but really she spent the first half convincing the audience that tarot is not occultic lol. But that sure got me thinking that hey, maybe this is a really good practice on my art and not many people can claim that they completed a full deck, so why not right? My mind was envisioning tarot to be the creative equivalent of the Boston marathon and lenormand to be the creative 5k. All these ideas came while I was in a position ready for change. And I went for it. And this page happened. What really struck me about tarot is that it has a certain structure, yet it can also hold infinite permutations, which is great for artists like me who obviously needed guidance but acted like they know better.

So when will I sell my decks?

I like the idea of money, but ugh, I’m not ready for everything that goes into social media promotion, making sure I print the decks out, and ship them to good people like you. But also another part of me is wanting to keep it as accessible as possible to broke ass college kids, cos I was one too. It sucks to only see only parts of the deck being posted online. I wanted to let people be able to enjoy the deck freely, and only buy them if and when they are ready. Because the whole point about this page is NOT TO MAKE MONEY, but to keep me away from the bigger demon that is creative death. So eventually I will open up some paypal/ko-fi so y’all kind hearted souls can send me some tips if you are feeling it, but even as of right now I am not in a stable postal code. This isn’t like going from one city to another. This is moving to a different country, and not in the sexy way. Don’t ask me why, but this has a lot to do with the Malaysian (some Malaysians, not all) fixation on migration. Americans may have been talking about moving to Canada or Mexico when Trump gets elected, but bruh, this is exactly what Malaysians have been doing for the past few decades and this migration thing is not as great or easy as you think. My own family is quite invested in this idea, but as a result, my personal life have been in a halt. I can’t plan what kind of jobs I can take because I think of maybe I need to be ready to move out, I can’t take freelance jobs as easily because it requires a permanent address for Paypal and I don’t have that, and I can’t form relationships (not even romantic ones!) properly because I’m just temporary. I’m just a fresh grad. As much as I struggle though, at least no one is dying in this story. All I can say is that please send some good thoughts/vibes/spells my way so I can finally not have to struggle with moving.

PS: Originally I wanted to make this into something more of like an artist statement, because that is what artists do, but then I realised that I will change, even on an every-3-months basis. Then I wanted to make this into more of an about me page, but all the other examples I see online are so corporate-y, and I don’t think I would fit in either. But it’s weed day (happy 4/20, folks) and I don’t ever want to operate this page as a super capitalistic venture, so I decided that this is going to be somewhat like an about me page, but also like a yearly check-in on why I draw. Really, why the heck do I draw when I don’t earn good money out of it?

#announcement #nsw4133

[redselfships]

maybe next time

SUMMARY: Tala should have called the cops because the man passed out in her fire escape was definitely a wanted murderer. The Vagabond, as everybody in Los Santos knew him as; a part of one of the many gangs in their city. Perhaps it was her naive stupidity that urged her to pull the man home and stitch him up.

PAIRING: fahc! ryan haywood x tala (self insert, oc)

WORD COUNT: 1018

NOTE: just a little awkward first meet for the two,,,,,,,, fahc! rye and irl! rye are my emotional support bastards , thats all i have to say for myself

The duct tape was just a precaution. Tala might be naive but she wasn’t too stupid to know the kind of capabilities the man on her couch had.

She only knew him as much as the police knew about the Fakes of Los Santos. They were a group of however many men and women. There were the usual count of six members—sometimes even more during some of their hits in the city. Tala lived in one of the poorer neighborhoods of the city; the type of neighborhood where she couldn’t walk outside late at night, where she had to install three extra locks on her front door, and had to keep her own firearm inside for emergencies.

Overall, it was a dangerous town, no matter the neighborhood.

The poor had to worry about getting mugged by their neighbors and the rich had to worry about the numerous gangs that could strike at any time for their wealth. All she could do was hope to gather enough money to get the hell out—go somewhere much safer.

Tala was pouring herself a cup of coffee when she noticed the man on her couch finally stirred awake. She watched, frozen at her spot as the man stirred.

“Um…” She starts dumbly. Tala had never used her gun—never wanted to. Though she does feel infinitely safer with it hidden in her back pocket. The man looks at her, the mask still covering his head so it was hard to gauge his reaction. A part of her figures that he was gauging her as well. Trying to figure everything out around him. “You...you passed out in my fire escape.”

Tala nods towards the direction of her fire escape—just outside her living room window. He doesn’t look that way, keeping his gaze on her. She gulps. Maybe calling the police wasn’t such a bad idea, after all. Tala keeps her hands in his line of sight, moving around her kitchen counter towards the living room. Not close enough, but at the very least they weren’t separated by a counter.

“I patched you up instead of calling the cops, s-so...so you should be grateful! I also kept your mask on so I have no idea how hah...handsome or ugly you are down there.” Tala exclaims, her brain-to-mouth filter failing to work at the time that mattered most. She pursed her lips, holding back the urge to smack her forehead. “I mean—”

Then the man does the unthinkable. He starts to laugh. It’s muffled, yes, but a laugh nonetheless. She gapes at the man, her own nervous giggle mixing in with his rough laughter. Tala tucks a strand of hair behind her ears; a nervous tick that she had since, well, since forever. 

“Funny.” He finally says under the mask, before visibly relaxing. He looks down at the duct tape wrapped around his wrist and the wooden arm of her couch—the only thing really keeping him from strangling her to death.

“I...I didn’t call the cops but I just…” Tala trailed off. I was just scared, was what she wanted to say. Though her hesitance seemed to explain enough for the latter. He nods in lieu of a verbal response. “So, I can just cut that off but can you please not kill me the moment I do?”

When he doesn’t reply right away, Tala rubs her palms into her face. “God, I’m making promises to a criminal!”

“I won’t, I promise.” He finally says with an air of amusement to his tone. She peeks through her fingers, half deciding whether or not she should believe him or not. When he doesn’t budge, Tala sighs. “You kept my mask, so you keep your life.”

It was...a weird statement but she understands the gist of it. Tala stares him down longer, before finally nodding.

“Okay. I’m going to get my scissors and you won’t...you won’t kill me.”

“I won’t kill you.”

Tala pauses. “Or any other harm to me.”

He nods, before repeating her statement.

Tala could practically hear her mother screaming at her stupidity from beyond the grave. She knows how stupid this is. Believing that a criminal killer won’t do what he does best. Tala gets her pair of scissors from the kitchen and slowly makes her way towards the killer. He stays lax, head following her movement until she was crouched beside him. She cuts the duct tape off with ease before taking a rather large step back as he frees himself from the bind.

“I...er, I was just making coffee… If you want some…?” She offers, pointing at her kitchen once more. “You were out for a bit...um, maybe a day and a half tops. You were in really rough shape when you knocked out in the fire escape.

She pauses. “...I guess you’ll be hungry instead. Coffee isn’t good on an empty stomach you know.”

Tala finally meets his gaze, or at least she tries to, since his eyes are hidden behind the skull mask. If she stared a little longer, she swears she could spot a hint of icy blue eyes behind the mask. And it seems like, for a moment, he was considering her offer. His head tilting just a little bit before he finally stood up.

She can’t help but startle at the sudden action, jumping back as she clutched the scissor handles with both her hands.

“I have to go, the rest are looking for me.” He explains with a shrug, his voice tinged with disappointment.

“Oh, right.” Tala pouts her lips just a little, watching as The Vagabond makes his way towards her window and pushes it open. It was almost unbelievable; watching a criminal try to wrestle his way out her living room window. “Well, um. Good luck, I-I guess…?”

He nods again. “Maybe next time.”

She nods as he finally gets out to the fire escape.

It takes about five seconds before she finally realizes what he’d said, though by the time she leans out of her window to ask for a better explanation, he was gone.

#note that this is for FAHC ryan!!!!!! not actually him #fahc ryan #self shipping #self ship #self ship community #mine #my writing #f/o: ryan haywood #im still tryna figure out how to write the fahc dudes and dudettes but like i like the vibe my fahc ryan has so this will defo stick #i finished a small fic but a fic nonetheless and like. its a self ship. oof

[powderedwhiteviolets]

all the aesthetic asks dude

why u do this niko

flower crown: when did you last sing to yourself?

Today actually…i was waiting in a car and just started quietly singing Hanging Tree.

fairy lights: if a crystal ball could tell you the truth about anything, what would you want to know?

I would want to know the answers to all the mysteries of the world. Mysteries such as where that Malaysian aeroplane crashed, who killed JFK, what happened to Asha Degree….just really anything unsolved. 

daisies: what is the greatest accomplishment of your life?

Making it to this age still alive.

1975: what is the first happy memory that comes to mind, recent or otherwise?

Probably my birthday, which was almost a week ago.

matte: if you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living?

I would stop going to school for one thing, probably actually finish all the series i have in progress at the moment, FINISH WRITING THE FIRST ARC OF SAILOR STELLAR.

black nail polish: do you have a bucket list? if so, what are the top three things?

1. Go to Russia and Japan

2. Write an actual book

3. Go to any big fancy formal event where it is acceptable to wear a ballgown and diamond tiara (i just wanna be a princess ok)

pantone: describe a person close to your life in detail.

no because i don’t want to

moodboard: do you feel you had a happy childhood?

I don’t know. I was a spoiled and over indulged child, but some of my worst memories happened when i was really young, and they’re memories that i’ve tried to force myself to forget. 

stars: when did you last cry in front of another person?

I don’t even remember, though i usually cry during arguments with people.

plants: pick a person to stargaze with you and explain why you picked them.

Can i just pick all of my friends? Irl and internet

converse: would you ever have a deep conversation with a stranger and open up to them?

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

lace: when was your last 3am conversation with someone, and who were they to you?

Probably you i guess Niko

handwriting: if you were about to die, and you could only say one more sentence to one person, what would you say and to whom?

“I wish i could have told you to full extent of my misery, and how much of it was inflicted by you” - any boy i’ve ever crushed on ever

cactus: what is your opinion on brown eyes?

I have brown eyes and they’re great but a bit basic.

oil paints: what would you title the autobiography of your life so far?

Yandere’s and Himedere’s: A true story of a girl who has many friends and admirers but really shouldn’t (with the subtitle: watch as she fucks up her perfect life and scapegoats)

overalls: what would you do with one billion dollars?

NEVER GO TO SCHOOL AGAIN,and buy everything i’ve ever wanted

combat boots: are you a very forgiving person? do you like being this way?

Usually, but i do have two grudges i’ll never forgive.

winged eyeliner: write a hundred word letter to your twelve year old self.

Dear younger me, stop being a fucking edgy prick. Your not as cool as you think you are, get outta here with that special snowflake mentality, stop being a brat to all your classmates, giving a damn about your appearance doesn’t make you vain, becoming a teenager won’t turn you into a plastic, and for gods sake RELAX A BIT BITCH! NOT EVERYONE’S OUT TO GET YOU! I know this is more than 100 words but one more thing: STOP WEARING TRACKSUIT PANTS THEY DON’T LOOK GOOD ON YOU. 

pastel: would you describe yourself as more punk or pastel?

Pastel

tattoos: how do you feel about tattoos and piercings? explain.

I don’t like them personally but i’m not against people getting them.

piercings: do you wear a lot of makeup? why/why not?

I don’t wear makeup for the most part because it feels super fake and heavy on my face, especially foundation. 

bands: talk about a song/band/lyric that has affected your life in some way.

Ok but honestly none have really.

messy bun: the world is listening. pick one sentence you would tell them.

“Stop acting like moron’s on Facebook”

cry baby: list the concerts you have been to and talk about how they make you feel.

I’ve only been to one, and it was a Taylor Swift one back in 2012. 

grunge: who in the world would you most like to receive a letter from and what would you want it to say?

If you want to know this is can DM it you

space: do you have a desk/workspace and how is it organised/not organised?

Not organised at all. I used to have a desk but got rid of it once i move house last year. 

white bed sheets: what is your night time routine?

I collapse in bed. That’s it.

beaches: if you had to dye your hair how would you dye/style it and why?

Well i’m gonna dip dye my hair later on, One side will be bright blue, the other bright pink, like Harley Quinn. 

11:11: name three wishes and why you wish for them.

1. Time travelling abilities. I want to go back in time and observe the greatest moments in history (and meet some awesome people)

2. Infinite money. I wanna be rich.

3. Shapeshifting (I! WANT! TO ! BE ! A ! DRAGON!)

painting: what is the best halloween costume you have ever put together? if none, make one up.

This was technically my comic con costume but i also wore it to my schools Halloween dress up day last year.

lightning: what’s the worst thing you’ve ever done while drunk or high?

i don’t drink, and i’ve never (and never will) be high.

thunder: what’s one thing you would never do for one million dollars?

Eat rotten food. 

storms: you on only listen to one song for the rest of your life, or only see one person for the rest of your life. which and why?

Copycat, and i’m not sure on that second question.

love: have you ever fallen in love? describe what it feels like to realise you’re in love.

Yes i have and it’s a shit experience. Remember, if you ever feel like your falling for someone: DON’T.

clouds: if you’re a boy, would you ever rock black nail polish? if you’re a girl, would you ever rock really really short hair?

I don’t want super short hair. It would end up looking bad on me.

coffee: what’s your starbucks order, and who would you trust to order for you, if anyone?

I don’t drink coffee or go to Starbucks.

marble: what is the most important thing to you in your life right now?

my dignity

#asks #weeaboosupreme

[theultravioletcatastrophe]

From the aesthetic ask meme: ALL OF THEM. You're welcome.

ALRIGHTY THEN! Let’s see if I can put this under a break so I don’t clog up anyone’s dash.

flower crown: when did you last sing to yourself?Earlier today. I’m always singing to myself! Today it was probably a song from Moana because my daughter was listening to the soundtrack and those songs just get stuck in my head, y’know?

fairy lights: if a crystal ball could tell you the truth about anything, what would you want to know?Honestly? I want to know the true nature of physical reality. Like, quantum physics can’t be the full picture because there’s a couple places where it’s either broken or incomplete, but so far we haven’t figured out what should replace it as a theory. I wanna know the truth about the universe.

daisies: what is the greatest accomplishment of your life?I wanna say my daughter, but to be quite honest my wife is definitely more responsible for how she turned out than I am, so I can’t really say that. I guess my other greatest accomplishment is retaining some scrap of sanity and decency in this awful world that seems to want to destroy itself at every possible opportunity.

1975: what is the first happy memory that comes to mind, recent or otherwise?I don’t think you can call this a “memory” since it literally just happened, but I finished watching Mysterious Girlfriend X and honestly it made me so happy. Despite the fact that it only covered about half the manga it had a much more satisfying ending, somehow.

matte: if you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living?I mean, probably? I’d probably make an effort to be kinder and more loving. I’d do more to help people. I’d try to save up every cent I could to ensure my family doesn’t have nothing when I’m gone.

black nail polish: do you have a bucket list? if so, what are the top three things?Ehh, not really, not in the sense most people usually use that term. I wanna go to space though. :D

pantone: describe a person close to your life in detail.I wanna describe my mom, but it’s going to make me sad, so I don’t want to right now. Sorry. :(

moodboard: do you feel you had a happy childhood?Yes and no. My parents had a pretty awful divorce when I was about 7, and things stayed weird until I was in high school. But like… I remember being happy and stuff, so…

stars: when did you last cry in front of another person?Last night, when my wife was talking about being sad. I just felt so helpless, like I couldn’t do anything for her, and it made me really sad too.

plants: pick a person to stargaze with you and explain why you picked them.My wife. I shouldn’t have to explain why. :) (I mean gosh come on her url is literally @youwillfindmestargazing)

converse: would you ever have a deep conversation with a stranger and open up to them?I have! Some of the best conversations I’ve had have been with strangers at parties. There’s something so intimate about sitting on a bench on someone’s back porch talking about deep stuff with someone you’ve known for 20 minutes, while people inside are blasting music and screaming, and someone is throwing up in the bushes off to the side.

lace: when was your last 3am conversation with someone, and who were they to you?Oh geez, I don’t have many of those anymore. It was probably with my friend @aboutthreeneps who is one of my best friends ever and I love him. :3

handwriting: if you were about to die, and you could only say one more sentence to one person, what would you say and to whom?“I want you to know how much I love you, and I want you and mama to look after each other, okay?” (which I would say to my daughter)

cactus: what is your opinion on brown eyes?Um, they’re fine? I don’t really care that much about people’s eye colour lol

sunrise: pick a quote and describe what it means to you personally.“[A]lways looked to be a man of action, ‘cause that’s what the old man should have been, but… this world, it wore him out. This world, it wears you out.” This quote is from the song “Man of Action” by Matthew Good Band. This song is basically my theme song and if you’ve been following me for any length of time, you probably understand why.

oil paints: what would you title the autobiography of your life so far?“A Short Study in Fooling Yourself and Everyone Around You”

overalls: what would you do with one billion dollars?I would immediately put half of it into some kind of guaranteed investment like a GIC or even a TFSA if the interest rate was good enough. This would supply my income to live on for the entire rest of my life. The other half would be blown extravagantly on stupid shit I don’t need but really want (and also I’d give a bunch to family and friends and to charity, I’m not a total asshole).

combat boots: are you a very forgiving person? do you like being this way?Yes, and yes. It means you get hurt more often, but it kinda makes things easier.

winged eyeliner: write a hundred word letter to your twelve year old self.Dear Earl, you’re not gonna believe this, but I’m you from 21 years in the future. Listen: don’t waste time pining over Leah or Connie or Katie, it’s not worth it. When you finish high school, learn a skilled trade. Don’t mess things up like I did. Try not to be a disappointment to your mom, and tell her you love her. Most importantly, get organized, manage your time, and DON’T PROCRASTINATE. Sincerely, you, but with more experience.

pastel: would you describe yourself as more punk or pastel?I’m… definitely not punk lol. I’m not really pastel, either, though.

tattoos: how do you feel about tattoos and piercings? explain.I like them to a point. Just… don’t go overboard and you’re fine.

piercings: do you wear a lot of makeup? why/why not?Nope! Mostly due to the fact that society looks down upon masculine-presenting people wearing makeup, but partly also because I have no idea what would look good on my gross face. :P

bands: talk about a song/band/lyric that has affected your life in some way.Well, I mean, Sithu Aye has absolutely been a very positive force in my life ever since I discovered him about a year ago. Please give him a listen, he makes the happiest metal music in the world (without the disgusting vocals!). You can get his entire discography for 30 quid right now! What a steal!

messy bun: the world is listening. pick one sentence you would tell them.“Please stop exploiting other people, the animals, and the earth, because if we keep going like this there’s not going to BE an earth much longer.”

cry baby: list the concerts you have been to and talk about how they make you feel.Other than going to see our city’s symphony orchestra play, I’ve only ever been to a Marianas Trench concert (well, technically, I’ve been to 3 of them). The symphony shows are always amazing but the Trench shows were a total blast. What a great band to see live. I’m actually wearing a shirt I got at their last concert right now!

grunge: who in the world would you most like to receive a letter from and what would you want it to say?I want to receive a letter from the Queen, signed also by the Governor-General and the Prime Minister, authorizing me to do whatever the hell I want for the rest of my life, as long as I’m in Canada.

space: do you have a desk/workspace and how is it organised/not organised?Well, I’m sitting at a desk right now, and it’s a disaster. I have a desk at work as well, which is a bit more organized, but still quite a mess lol.

white bed sheets: what is your night time routine?Browse tumblr until it’s way past my bedtime, brush my teeth while either browsing tumblr some more or reading manga on my phone, crawl into bed and become unconscious for usually no more than 6 hours. Ugh.

old books: what’s one thing you don’t want your parents to know?Nothing, really. My dad and I are pretty chill with each other and I don’t think there’s any secrets I’d want to keep from him (not that I’m going to go telling him everything though, haha). And, well, it’s not like my mom can find out anything she hadn’t already known, so… :x

beaches: if you had to dye your hair how would you dye/style it and why?If I HAD to? I’d go with some crazy cool colour like purple or blue. I’d style it the same way it is now, which is that I towel it off after a shower and flatten out any parts that stick up. Actually, if I had purple hair, I probably wouldn’t even do that. :P

eyes: pick five people to go on an excursion with you. who would you pick and where would you go/what would you do?My wife, my daughter, my IRL friend Ashley, and my tumblr friends Cody and Rachel (yes, you, Rachel). We’d go to a farm just outside town and pick strawberries, and then we’d all have a nice picnic in a field somewhere.

11:11: name three wishes and why you wish for them.-infinite money (should be obvious why)-a hammerspace bag (should also be obvious)-your freedom, Genie (because I’m not a butt)

painting: what is the best halloween costume you have ever put together? if none, make one up.Hmm, I’d have to say the mad scientist costume I did when I was in university. I wore my lab coat from chem lab, I styled my hair to stick straight up from my head (and used this weird hair spray paint stuff to make it silver), and I would burst into rooms going “BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!”

lightning: what’s the worst thing you’ve ever done while drunk or high?I don’t think I’ve ever done anything really awful while drunk or high. I mean, I don’t normally get drunk/high enough to the point where I start doing truly stupid things. I guess the worst was that time my friend Cory and I split a 26er of vodka between us in the span of like… half an hour, and then we proceeded to smoke a joint of nothing but kief with a bunch of other people. I got WAY too wasted and ended up throwing up on the floor of the guy’s dining room (and afterwards was still too wasted to clean up after myself, so someone did it for me).

thunder: what’s one thing you would never do for one million dollars?There are a lot of things I would never do for a million dollars. Intentionally harming a sentient creature would probably be at the top of the list though.

storms: you on only listen to one song for the rest of your life, or only see one person for the rest of your life. which and why?I’d pick the song one, because there are too many people in my life that I love too much to never see them again. (The song I pick would almost undoubtedly be Oceania by Sithu Aye.)

love: have you ever fallen in love? describe what it feels like to realise you’re in love.Of course! I’ve done it so many times now, I BETTER know what it’s like! To me, falling in love with someone means that you put their own happiness and well-being before your own. It means you want to spend all your time with them, and knowing you wouldn’t get tired of them. Realizing all this about someone is quite exhilirating, and a little scary.

clouds: if you’re a boy, would you ever rock black nail polish? if you’re a girl, would you ever rock really really short hair?I feel like I would have when I was younger, but now, hmmm… now I’m at an age where I don’t think I could “rock” anything anymore! XD

coffee: what’s your starbucks order, and who would you trust to order for you, if anyone?Grande cafe latte with coconut milk. Honestly I’d trust any of my vegan friends to order me something I’d like.

marble: what is the most important thing to you in your life right now?My daughter. I want to make sure she grows up to be a better person than I am. If she grows up to be a better person than her mother, I’ll be pretty astonished, but also extremely proud. She is my life right now. :3

#ask #gravityeyelids #thank you rachel :D #i know you know i love answering every question in these ask memes so thank you for making this legit lol #ask me a thing!

[ispyamoose]

I had a disturbing dream last night, and it’s not for the faint of heart. (TW; death)

TRIGGER WARNING/Disclaimer: This dream deals with death, and very, very abstract ideas and some disturbing themes regarding death and causes. Don’t read further if these are topics that are triggering.

As some of you might know, my best friend died 3 days after a debilitating car accident in 2014. Her name was Antoinette R. Tobia. Her accident was March 31st, 2014, and her date of death was April 3rd, 2014. She was living in North Carolina, with her then-fiancé, and his two daughters. She’d recently gotten out of the Army, where she’d served four years as 86W Medic. I hadn’t seen her since I visited her at the end of January in 2013, but we talked often. I always regretted that I wasn’t able to see her in the hospital before she passed, but I’d just started a new job and did not have the money to drive down. These details become important later.

In my dream, I was really missing Toni. I was listening to depressing music and crying. I was saying over and over, “I miss you so much. I wish you were still here. I wish I’d been able to say goodbye. Please forgive me.” After a few minutes, I finished my...grieving session, I guess you could call it, and continued about my business for the day. Everywhere I looked, I kept seeing the face of this guy who resembled a love child of Wilford Brimley and Dr. Phil. It freaked me out. Finally, after several more times of seeing this ominous face, I was alone in a room in a house, (I don’t recognize it as my parents’ house or my apartment) and this guy appears. He tells me, “I heard your pleas. I may be able to help.”

I was confused; I had no idea what he was referring to. He said that he was talking about my friend Toni, and confirmed that I couldn’t be there when she died. I asked him what he was doing in this room, and what he wanted with me. I also asked him what he was getting at, because he was bringing up sensitive information. He said he had a proposition, but that it’s not for the weak-willed. I asked him what it was. He said, “I can give you the closure you seek. I can make it so you get to say goodbye to your friend. I cannot save her. That is not possible. However, I can’t keep your timeline the same to make this happen, and simply superimpose you into the hospital to say goodbye.

What I can do, however, is have her repeat her last seven days on this Earth, and you will get to spend every day with her. How she dies will be different, and you won’t know the cause until it’s happening. You won’t be able to stop it. The events from her last seven days will also be different, since you will be with her. The universe will naturally try to throw wrenches into this, because this is altering timelines. You will have five chances to make the change a success. If you succeed, at the end, you won’t remember how she died originally, and you will be sent back to present-day. However, you’ll have to accept all changes of your timeline, because this will surely alter your life. If you fail, you’ll not only return to present-day, but you’l retain the memories of her original death, AND what you attempted to do.

Do you accept these terms?”

In my dream, I spent some time mulling this over, because it was a LOT to take in. In the end, I accepted the terms. Immediately, I was brought back in time almost 6 years, and in front of me was my best friend. It took all I had not to burst into tears and fall to my feet right there. My beautiful best friend was standing in front of me, alive. Still, knowing what would happen in 7 days weighed over me. I was determined to make her last seven days on Earth so meaningful and phenomenal, but weird things happened instead.

She sued someone, and got mad at me because she thought I was trying to interfere. I don’t remember much about this part, because it was weird AF. She was trying to buy a new car, (even though she already had a car IRL) and offered way below what the car was worth. The guy denied her offer, so she sued him in an attempt to make a deal. The logic isn’t there, but this is a dream, after all. She thought I was trying to intervene and went OFF THE RAILS at me. We patched it up but it felt...very different from the Toni I remembered. We went to a concert, we got tattoos, we caught each other up on our lives. As quickly as I’d made the deal with who I came to think was the Devil, (even though I don’t actually believe in the Devil...lol, it’s complicated) the fateful day came.

I had no idea what was in store, because the way she died was going to be completely different. I didn’t know if I’d witness it or not, and how I would cope with that. Wanting to be able to say goodbye sure came with many caveats, and even more therapy I’d need to seek...

Anyway, we went on a road trip. We went exploring old and abandoned places/landmarks. It was a ton of fun, and actually something I want to do IRL once I get into better shape. We were in an SUV, and we left an abandoned shack on the beach to clean up at the gym nearby. We were going to do a workout, shower there, and figure out what we wanted to do next. We did work out, we did shower. The gym had an Olympic-sized pool we wanted to take a dip in, but we made a wrong turn out of the locker room and found an old, abandoned, dark area of the gym and wanted to explore. Toni was the one who really wanted to explore it. I couldn’t see anything, (I’m night blind- my ophthalmologist suspects that my eyes just don’t adjust quickly enough to the dark for me to see anything) and my phone was dead. Toni was able to see somewhat in the dark, and we navigate through a huge, pitch black room.

In this pitch black room, I’m holding my arms out, stepping slowly, trying to feel for anything so I could navigate. Toni just charged on ahead, like she always did, and she ended up tripping over a blunt object in flip-flops. She might have broken or sprained her leg or ankle, I don’t know. My dream brain didn’t think that far. She yelled in pain, and I heard her hit her head against something. I suspect her leg injury caused her to stumble, maybe hit her head on another object or wall) and then I heard a large splash of water. (Toni loved sunning on the beach and being by the pool, but was never much for swimming. I’m not entirely sure she was the strongest swimmer, actually. There were a couple times she came into the ocean with me when it was hot enough, and I needed to hold her to prevent her from drifting with the current.)

I heard a frantic voice waver in volume, pleading, “Help! I’m hurt, I can’t keep myself afloat, I’m drowning, help me!”

Something that’s important to note...remember those “five tries” I was told about? I made it to this point with all those tries intact. Despite being told she couldn’t be saved, I went into savior mode. I attempted to save my friend. But, it felt impossible, because I was blind! I couldn’t see where she was, I wouldn’t have been able to see if I jumped into this water (I suspect she fell into an old, unused pool. Also, EW) and I could’ve hit her. I sobbed, I cried, because the last thing I wanted was for my best friend to drown while being unable to save her.

I did everything I could with my lack of eyesight, but I failed. Before she took her last breath, I deliberately took actions that would cause the “universe” to intervene and use one of my chances. I went into my second chance, and realized I retained all memory of my “first try”. I used this to my advantage. I went about that last day more carefully trying to plan my last steps, but I realized what we did each day was fixed. We were going to be back in that dark room again. This new way she died was going to happen. But I made up my mind that I was going to save her.

Chances 2-4 happened identically. Finally, I was on the last chance. I managed to save a little battery on my cell phone this time. I used the last of my battery to use the flashlight and find a light switch in the room. I found one, and turned on the light. It was dim, but I was able to see Toni. I was able to get to her. I pulled her out of the pool, dressed her wounds, and she was saved. Then, her appearance changed. If anyone has played Bioshock Infinite, she looked like the way the people looked when you went into tears into a different “reality”. That flashing feeling? Looking half dead, half alive, with your body kinda flashing between the timelines? That’s how she looked. The guy appears again, and puts time on hold. He looked at me seriously. He said, “You remember what I said. She cannot be saved.”

In that moment, it didn’t matter. I fell to my knees, begged and pleaded for him to let me save her. She didn’t deserve to die. She needed to live. Please, just let her live. I said that I would do anything, even if it meant I had to die in her place.

He looked defeated and crushed. After a few moments, he stared into my soul, and said, “Okay. I lied before. It can be done. She can live. However, it comes at a high price. Someone else must die in her place.”

I asked if I’d know who was chosen, and he said, “The stakes are high. In order for a favor so large to be fulfilled, we can’t just choose some stranger. If you want your best friend to live, you have to choose a member of your family to die instead.”

I thought this over very seriously. My FAMILY? Those stakes seemed really, really high. I was unsure if I could do that, just choose someone who was going to die. I apparently thought of someone, and asked, “Could I choose someone who’s dead in present-day, but was alive at this point in time?” He said I could. I chose that person, and then I woke up.

I have NO FREAKING IDEA what this dream means. But it’s kinda fucked me up all day. It’s Valentine’s Day 2020 currently, and it’s actually been a great day for me. But that dream...was a lot. I don’t know what to make of it.