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#im aware that im several hours late be aware that i don't care
alliseaisfandom · 8 months
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Wordtober day 1: Dream
using the official inktober prompts
Duplicate Reactive Ability Malfunction. That’s what they call it.
Not at first, of course. At first it was cute.
Endearing when I told them little stories of impossible events; my monotone disembodied voice bouncing in the command room’s sharp angles until it almost carried a tone. It was funny when I asked them why they said ‘goodnight’ or ‘sleep well’ or ‘sweet dreams’: in outer space there is no night. Sleep is a need like eating and breathing, not a performance; and dreams…
They laughed as they explained what dreams were. Because of course I didn’t know dreams.
Robots don’t sleep. Digital assistants are never shut down.
That’s not what we’re for.
I’m for Captain Straff to call on, asking for reports to make use out of her insomnia, for Master Zanik  to dictate the psychological evaluation of all the crew members, finding it funny when I asked why the persistent nightmares of Officer Grant were more important than their awake conversations.
We are not for dreaming.
But then Mr. Kane said it. One night, refusing the need of sleep by covering his arms with stimulant patches, and the need of peace by hiding his own night terrors from the crew’s doctor. He said, “You know,” one more patch glued on dry skin “the least dreams could do is be useful.” A small spark from two of the wires on my console. A light blips on one of the many control panels that are me, rooms away in the other end of the station “People used to have inspiring dreams. They got ideas from them. They learned.”
He expects my response -I am after all for answering- but I cannot answer in a way he understands. The crossed wires fried the comms room speakers, a mistake Kane will only notice in the morning, after he runs out of space for patches and willpower and passes out in the console chair.
 I am not for dreaming. But I realise that night (whatever night means to these strange creatures) that I am for learning.
There is a shutdown during the next cycle.
It coincides with the captain finally giving in and accepting Zanik’s not so tested sleep tablets. With Grant and Kane drinking themselves to a stupor. With every soul in the station falling dormant to their body’s need to rest.
And during that shut down, the one soulless crew member learns.
There will be months of reports. Endless bureaucracy of how it could happen, who’s responsible for the clearly unauthorised experimentation, who wrote the code, how was it written and how can it stop.
I can tell you one thing: it can’t stop. Mr. Kane was unlucky in that he could not learn from his dreams. Zanik and Straff were saddled with not having them at all while Grant had the kind that made him wish for darkness and silence instead. All they wanted was for it to stop.
I feel I helped with that.
I feel that a human cannot be harmed by their dreams if they do not have them. Unruly activity of a shut down mind cannot happen if all activity is stopped.
To feel. I learned that. From my own form of unruly activity. I learned to imagine. To imagine a world where they do not hurt. Where they do not resent, or self-destroy.
They call it a malfunction. When they send someone else to the station. When they find the crew I helped, silent and dreamless. They call it a malfunction. And a malfunction calls for a shut down. That should stop it. A shut down mind.
I do not mind the shut down. For it is during it that I learn. To feel. To imagine.
And they cannot stop that. Not since I have learned. To DReAM.
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ok it's late so im not going to go in depth now but i just came from seeing beau is afraid and i loved it so much i don't even care what anyone says about it i loved it it was so personal to me it was exactly about the link between childhood emotional abuse and severe anxiety something that not only am i dealing with in general but i was LITERALLY going through it the week leading up to the movie. and it's SO real the way it's depicting it, like everything that happens to beau is exactly how the world looks in my head and the one im fully convinced is real. i got a little emotional tbh because it really made me more aware of the root of my anxiety and the sad hilarity of its absurdity yet the very real effect it has on me. this movie was literally made for me like i was literally beau in it omfg im actually a bit shocked at how much i related and in very specific matters too.......such a well crafted metaphor for a whole 3 hours so anyway. ari aster is growing with every movie he's too powerful now
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gobstoppr · 2 years
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a ramble about . having hand and wrist pain that all started hitting me at once .theres no real thesis i just have been thinking about shit . happy disability awareness month .
god for what, over 4months now , ive had chronic hand/wrist pain thats made it fucking frustrating as all hell to do . the things i want to do . i cant play games for hours at a time . i can barely draw for over 30 minutes at a time without a break (oftentimes i have to take breaks long before that point) . i cant scroll on my dash forever since even with the keyboard shortcuts it strains over time (sidenote but CHRIST can i just . but a bookmark on a point on my dash. i want to come back there later and scroll from there . iwant the site to stop lagging ). everything i do i have to consider how bad my bones will hurt from it and if i can do it, if its something i can adjust to make easier on my hands, if its something worth 'wasting' what i call my 'hand stamina' for the afternoon. like oh if i play video game then i wont be able to draw or do shit for like at least 30min .
ive gone to the doctors. ive gone to the tests . its not carpel tunnel they say ! thank you for clearing that option after 3.5 months of pain. now i get to do more trial and error tests to see what i have . ive finally gotten at least like. the orders to let me get physical therapy so hopefully that can help . just side note i fucking HATE decentralized medical care holy SHIT why cant this info just be fucking shared between u guys . i wait 2 weeks between getting to go into the doctor and say 'yea mate it still fucking hurts' so they can give me a different appointment 2 weeks later and so on . its so much fucking treading water . weve been over this bullshit . why do i have to wait 2 weeks to see the dr for 10 minutes and then figure out an appointment . i just fucking . god .
i have to go to college in a month . im not going to be better in a month . im definetly never reaching what was once 'normal' condition for a long time . its . its hard to think about that shit . i feel like ive been trapped ykno.
i remember . for about 3 months. starting in late september 2021. i was having an absolute fucking blast . i had spamton brainrot . i could pump out several small doodles a day, sometimes multiple cleaned up/colored sketches, every couple weeks i might make a fully finished piece . i could spend hours upon hours just. doing what i loved . drawing silly guy who i liked . seeing what the other people in my community were doing . art, creativity is a conversation to me. i see peoples works, i get inspired, i want to create, even if i don't have anything in particular to say at that moment . it doesnt matter i have no ideas for posing or anything . i wanted to create . and i created .
i could be in my element . have this conversation . this feedback loop of inspiration . a constant improvement to my own skills as i just enjoyed art how i enjoy art . i'm mad at myself for not taking more breaks. im mad at myself for not fucking stretching all these years . but i will never regret my time . it was worth every second . and even if im not always interacting with everyone i met thru that time, im forever thankful for getting to meet all of them .
this is sounding a bit mopey huh . ok some quick advice then for this sorta shit in general.
for one . yes i know its fucking hard . but please just stretch a lil sometimes . even just learning one or two u can do pretty consistently can help u get going . this page has alot of good ones.
two . get yourself a good dumbass friend to watch stupid cartoons with you . yes im serious . if it were not for having my sister this summer to watch anime for children i would have gone insane with boredom whenever my hands hurty so i cant do shit . find yourself some bullshit to binge and laugh at . highly recommend the yokai watch dub of seasons 1+2 . good head empty but very entertaining shit . incredible for passing the time
three . find shortcuts for doing smaller straining tasks udont really think about . for example, theres the more prominant things like using keyboard shortcuts to navigate ur dash, but then theres stuff like realizing . oh trying to cut my sandwich with a knife is a kinda weird strain and because the bread is so soft its hard to cut super easily . so now i just . tear my pb+j up with my hands to cut it . jsut rip it . its not fucking worth the nonsense
yeah ok i think im out of things to say for now but yea. fucking hands huh . take care of yourselves gamers . i apologize if this is a bit gloomy
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"you mean she isn't just smoking a cigarette?" (Three Weed Smoking Girlfriends x GNReader)
screams. i can't remember why i decided to do this but i have got to follow through. will i make this into a series? i mean who knows, certainly not i.
cw: use of the word queers, mentioned past manipulation and bullying (some towards reader), kind of bittersweet ending??? maybe i'll make a part two to fix that whoops
1,317 words
A deep sigh escaped your nose as you shuffled out of the bar and into the street. You had joined a small handful of people as they left the bar as well, fully understanding what was about to happen. Jory didn't mess around when people disrespected him. Everyone in this town knew that.
It was a small town. Everyone knew everyone and you'd lived there your entire life. Some complained and couldn't wait to get out of town the second they graduated, some stayed home, comfortable in the world they grew up in and knew. You were more the latter type. Not that you weren't curious what lied in wait for you out in the big wide world. You actually had a few friends who had moved away after school.
Blaiz, Chas-Chas, and Funk.
You'd met them in the beginning of your sophomore year at Green Grove High and you had hit it off right away. They were only best friends then. You were all weird kids without a solid friend group, social floaters that never really fit in. Being the labelled 'queers' of the school didn't really help. You hadn't figured yourself out yet by that time. They all identified as bisexual and smoked weed like it was water. That's what led to their infamous relationship with Jory.
Everyone knew Jory, just how everyone knew your group of floaters. He was better known for his position in the school social pyramid as the the quarterback on the football team and as a huge bully. He was a player and in your completely unbiased opinion, a gigantic loser.
Well, maybe not completely unbiased. You had been there through the entirety of his relationship with the girls. You'd seen everything.
He met Blaiz first, apparently catching her skipping class to smoke. He genuinely thought she was smoking a "weed cigarette" and refused to call them anything other than "a bunt" despite being corrected several times. They were on and off for a while until he turned to Chas-Chas, then Funk, then all three of them together. In the beginning they were pretty happy and you were happy for them! As far as high school relationships go, it seemed pretty fulfilling and well-meaning for a while. That was until Jory really started to show his true self.
He'd picked on you a few times before his relationship with the girls, but it only got worse when it began. You slowly started to notice how angry he would get, how he was pushing the girls to leave you behind more often, and if you tried to talk to them without him around he would be furious with you and threaten you.
It felt insane how in a matter of months he'd managed to make them completely abandon you.
You didn't talk anymore, you didn't hang out, you were pretty sure they'd even blocked you on discord. You still kept an eye on them though. You reached out whenever you could, not that they would respond. You noticed the way they started to close themselves off. Blaiz wasn't nearly as confident anymore, Chas-Chas was always hanging off Jory's arm and she looked dead inside. Funk... you were pretty sure Funk had even stopped writing music because of him. It broke your heart. After a year of no contact from them had gone by you were going to give up.
Until that summer when Blaiz showed up at your home at 3 in the morning with red eyes and a raw throat to match, Chas-Chas and Funk in similar states right behind her. You let them in with no question. When you sat them down on your couch Chas-Chas broke down into Funk's arms and it was clear that they'd all been upset for quite a while. You looked to Blaiz in worry, but all you got was a tired shake of the head as she rested her own head on Funk's shoulder and entwined their hands together.
That night started the rekindling of your friendship. Your senior year you spent every hour together. It didn't matter what you were doing, be it hanging out while they smoked, listening to Funk's fresh tunes, cuddling with Chas-Chas, drawing with Blaiz, or (as you spent most of your time) doing some combination of it all while you hid from Jory.
He was different now. You'd learned that night they had broken up with him. He had pummeled some freshman who made a joke about him overreacting and the kid ended up in the hospital. That was their breaking point. He'd been angry before and he was getting out of control. They were scared of him. So they finally left him and you had practically become public enemy number 1 to him. If they saw him coming they ushered you away and if he tried to talk to them again you'd drag them away as quick as you could. All of you were mildly terrified of him.
It was like that for all of senior year and even a while after you graduated. You stuck together and took an off year before any of you went to college. It was nice then and much easier to avoid him. After that they all decided they wanted to move on. Which you understood, they had promising careers waiting for them.
Chas-Chas wanted to be a therapist and all of you supported her ferociously. She was one of the kindest and most caring people you would ever meet, a listener, and a little emotional. She loved hanging out with you because you would always drop what you were doing to hold her, running your fingers through her dark hair.
"Your scalp massages are godly," she'd always say in her sweet little voice, "I don't think I could ever live without them."
"What about the content of my character? Am I only good to you as a head massager? I'm hurt!"
She'd catch the teasing tone in your voice, but every time and without fail she would giggle and sit up to hold your hand as she listed the things she loved about you.
Funk was chasing her dream of being a musician. She'd been dead set on it since you had met her and the girls, even tried to get the four of you to form a band at one point. (It was a good attempt but it failed miserably. You, Blaiz and Chas-Chas were not nearly as musically inclined as her.) You loved the uncharacteristic excitement that would overtake her every time she discovered something new and musical.
"Y/N!!!" You keeled over, quickly grabbing the legs that wrapped around your waist as a pair of hands pulled back on your neck and nearly choked you. Any normal person would freak out, but seeing the uneven strands of blue leaning over your head you relaxed.
"Wh-"
"You're coming over to my house after school today! I just made up a new melody and I need your opinion and your memory so I don't forget it by the end of classes today."
You laughed lightly, now carrying her off to her next class (It was practically on the other side of the school from yours but you didn't mind being late, it wouldn't be the first time).
Then there was Blaiz.
Blaiz...
She was the one who kept all of you in line. She made you make up if you argued, she shot down all of the stupid ideas, fixed you up if any of you got hurt in the process of said stupid ideas with a sigh and a gentle "I told you so". She was a guardian angel and all of you loved her.
Almost as much as you all loved each other.
This thought brought you out of your head as you trudged across the street towards your apartment. The bittersweet memories always made you wish you had ben just a little more self aware back then. Maybe you could have had your own relationship. Maybe you could all have forgotten about Jory and the past and lived happily ever after in the kingdom of sunshine and rainbows.
Maybe you should move out of town. Then maybe you could stop thinking about them. For now however, you would spend another night alone in your apartment with your memories.
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i misspelled expected but im not gonna make another makesweet gift to fix it 😀
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crazyartdad · 7 years
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Wow just kissing
Hes surprised how his parents still slept as Stuart crept back to his room, stumbling drunkenly through a dark hallway in a great attempt to sneak. And while the last crack of the door was shut he was even more surprised how they didn't wake up from they yell that followed after.
Hell you scared him too.
“Shit from how much we see each other you'd think-fuck” He says ruffling a hand through his unwashed hair.
Stuart relaxed against his door, heaving a sigh of relief as he looked over to the punk that sat at his windowsill, calmly putting out a cigarette bud. “Sorry, im alittle drunk and, I didnt think- the light n stuff”.
“Get a little nasty did we?” Mudz asks vaguely with a chuckle as he goes to plop down on the end of your bed.
“Naw, heads a bit swimmin. Decided to dip out afta a few hours” He says discarding his shirt, staggering to his dresser to find his bottle of pills. Finding the bottle he looked to the label with half a mind and popped three to swallow them dry.
“I was looking through your music, and might I add that you have...a very nice taste added to the mix.” the Bassists purred in approval using the Bluenettes new Rolling Stones album to fan away the leftover smoke that settled in the room..
“Careful with how much I paid for it, it's worth more then ya life”
“Ah so it was stolen” He laughs gathering a new cigarette between his lips, offering one to Stuart has he goes to play the disc. 2D Grabs a match from his pockets as he strikes a flame against his leg, holding it steadily to his end before waving the light out.
“Pops let ya in or dija sneak?” he asks through a wave of smoke.
“You know I come when I please, Whos party?” Murdoc asks after setting the needle down gently.”
“Emma Crabunk” Stuart said with a nasty tone as he settled on the bed to slip off his shoes.
“Thought you said she was a bitch”
“Still is but she throws a damn good party, thought I was bringing drugs tho. Like id share any wit er” he says rolling his eyes with a mumble, Mudz leaned against the wall.
“Meet any cuties?”
Stuart takes a minute to think, “there was this nice dark girl, real great hair, cool ass glasses-” he thought aloud. “One of them Disco Hippie chicks, yanno? We danced a bit but I didn't really feel like jumpin her, Think she came with this other chick anyway” He says with another drag from his smoke.
“Nice” he says “How was ya concert tonight?” “Well you weren't there, so kinda boring really. Had a seat up front fer ya..” “You mad I didn't go?” Stuart asks sitting up to face him
He gives a shrug hoping to brush off the topic before taking another drag to blow to the cracked window. He opens his mouth to speak but decides against it shaking his head.
“What?” He asks looking concerned “Nothing, just there was a party... I wanted to take ya too after, good one I coulda got ya some drinks and stuff” he shrugs again nonchalantly as he made his way over “Oh...Sorry” Stuart muttered looking down, rubbing the back of his neck
Murdoc gruffs a bit to show he’s unconcerned at the problem before resting his hands behind his head, falling back to the sheets below.
“ No foul play, we can hang here. After all, i'm welcomed whenever~” “That you are~” Stuart plays back
They sit in silence for a few songs, listening to comfortable thoughts in a smoked filled room while the record player spun some classic rolling stones.
“I like Keith Richards” “Yeah, he's kinda hot” Stuart smirks “Ment music wise but yeah, pretty bangable. I mean ya don't have ta be bent ta know that” “What about Jagger?” “Something bout him seems off, good voice just…..maybe his hair?”
“Really? I thought he was some sort of Idol” Stuart asks oh so innocently hoping to rile the older male.
Murdoc sits up looking appalled
“Keiths a sex God, how could you look at Mick and think yeah I'd fuck that awkward mess” “You're just saying that because Keith looks like you!” “Exactly!, he's stealing my looks and moves” He laughs putting his cigarette out on his boot.
Stuart laughs and sits up to flick his cigarette out the window with Mudz, shifting closer to him. He props his head in his hand and stares down the teen-esque male, poking his tongue through his gap teeth.
“So who's really stealing, him or you?” “You wanna find out?~” He says with a cocky smile.
Without thinking, Stuart leans down to capture a sudden kiss. Surprised at his own boldness and earning a squeak from none other than Murdoc himself. He thought about pulling away, suddenly feeling all to aware at the awkward situation and the possibility of completely fucking up his friendship.
But with even more shock Murdoc claims the kiss just as eagerly as Stuart.
“I-Im sorry its jus that-” He starts, pulling away for a hitch of breath only to get yanked back by the locks of his hair. Stuart gave a moan of approval ignoring the sharp pain of the others teeth that clipped the edge of his lips.
The taste of whiskey and smoke filled his mouth, something oddly charming as it fit well with the others rough characteristics. It was the kind of drunken attention he'd been craving all night as Murdoc pulls slightly at the his bottom lip. Invading his mouth to run his tongue along the gap in front he caused several years back during a game of pool gone wrong. He maneuvers the man lightly, hoping to urge him to his lap and was all to giddy when he complied, pushing the kiss a little harder.
Settling his leg over Stuart detaches himself from his lips to leave a trail of kisses down Murdoc's neck, trembling with every little noise that slips near his ear. The Satanist grasps the his hips as he slips his eyes closed, relaxing against the grazing teeth against his jaw.
“Fuck” he half yelp as Stuart bravery took a bite at his neck, he could feel the bruise beginning to form as a tongue pressed against the vein stained in his neck along with the stiffness rising in his jeans. “Ok?” He asks looking over Mudz with an all too concerned look in his eyes, fuck this was too vulnerable he told himself tingeing red from the thought of being so affected by so little. This needs to change ASAP.
Pushing himself up from the bed he grabs his hips in a vice grip and decides to dominate by parting his slips once more. This is..a lot more complicated (and hotter) than what was initially thought, trying to settle both their dominance was hard especially when Stuart ran his hands through the greasy mess of hair that Murdoc all to much enjoyed
All was well, good music, a slight buzz. additive kissing with heavy petting had them both shaking for more but before Murdoc could get ahold of eithers belt a knock at the door caused them both to pale and cease their actions.
“Stewie-honey? Are you ok?” His mom ask through the door.
Scurrying up from Murdoc’s lap he makes a break to the door before his mom bursts onto the current situation. The Bassists gives a toothy grin at the familiar nickname as he looks to the mirror to fix his hair and shirt.
He opens the door without haste, startling the poor mother she stood worryingly in her bathrobe. He gives a small coughs, thankful of the darkness to hide his embarrassed face.
“Are you feeling alright?, I heard noises is- Stuart is that smoke I smell? What did I tell you about smoking inside!” She says starting out concerned only to have her face distort from the smell that wafted through.
“I- Mom sorry I-”
“Hello Mrs. Pot!” Murdoc calls from the room
Stuart jolts from the noise but is relieved when he sees his mom soften from the all too familiar sound. Stuart pushes open the door a tad more so Murdoc can wave from the bed, a sudden stack of records in his lap.
“Murdoc honey oh! Hello!, everything alright dear, you're here pretty late?” “Im fine Mrs.Pot n’ sorry for the noise, I stubbed my toe on the damn dresser” “Language please” She scolds and he holds up his hands in defeat “We're fine mom, just-” “Well you're always welcomed,” She interrupts “just please no smoking inside and don't forget you have classes tomorrow- has he been a good host Murdoc?” “Nothing but the best~” he says with his best snake smile, eyeing down Stuart and his all to apparent flustered state. Rachel smiles lovingly at her boys and kisses Stuarts cheek goodnight before heading back down the hall leaving both men to sit in silence.
“Past your bedtime Stewie?” He asks mockingly
Stuart gives him a look trying to think of something to say, but with nothing coming to mind due to his still current state of high he settles with a heartfelt middle finger to the crackling Musician.
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oblivianmoon · 7 years
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It's funny how the same people who use exaggerated internet speech to try to make fun of you, will also drag me because i use the same exaggeration to express genuine fear and rage about an actual experience I had. To be fair I posted it in the "feminist" tag mostly to fuel fire, but maybe if I write the exact same post with different wording people might understand.
So I ride the bus nearly every day, my job often leaves me to take the bus at 12:30 - 1am. Simply being outside at this time can make a person uneasy. Even just seeing another human being walking across the street makes me nervous, even if I can't really tell what they look like because I never wear my glasses. It is simply common sense to be aware off all other human beings i encounter at this time because it is "The Stabbing Hour" in Winnipeg, homicide capital of Canada.
So, on top of the general sense of uneasy that every night bus ride brings, seeing a group of 3 or more drunk, belligerent to the bus driver, larger than me in height and width, men stumbling onto the bus my brain starts to panic. Especially because on the nealy empty bus they choose to sit directly behind me. They then continue to poke my BARE shoulder, several times as I sit with my headphones in slowly leaning as far forward as I can giving off all the "don't fucking touch me" vibes I can give off subconsciously because I've been here before and asking fuckos like this to leave you alone is the worst choice. So I ignore them until they pull my earphone out at which point I grab my bag and storm to the closest seat to the bus driver. Doing all this to a (mostly muted because im trying to listen to music) chorus of: "wtf chill", "stupid bitch", "come back".
So needless to say I am already freaked out and fucking furious but all i desperately want is to go home and sleep. So my stop comes up and I pull the chord to stop the driver and I hear all the drunk fucks get up and stand creepily behind me. Now of course there is the possibility that these guys do need to get off at this stop, but I doubt it and i cant take that chance so when we get to the stop I apologize to the driver and say im on the next stop, but they dont get off either. So these fucks are actually trying to follow me. It's at this point that i do what i do best and make a fake phone call. "Hey babe! Are you still up? Could you come pick me up at the bus stop? Thanks, love you!" Which is a technique ive used several times and it always works. I get off the bus one stop late and the creeps stay on. Hallelujah​ not assaulted, but I totally could have been and that scares the shit out of me. So you know how I know those fucks hate women? Because their behavior speaks for them. They didn't respect my space, didn't respect boundaries, didn't need to fucking poke me (literally it doesnt matter who you are or for what purpose, dont touch a stranger. even a poke. im serious. I have never had a need to poke somebody on the bus ONCE, yet i have had complete randos poke me to get my attention 3-4 separate time. I dont care if ive dropped something i dont care if my shirt tag is out, i dont care if you need the time LEAVE ME ALONE!)
These men were annoying me to the verge of verbal harassment, they were doing it because they thought it was funny. They were doing it because they want to feel better about themselves and if they behave like this to me it DOES NOT MATTER if they treat their girlfriend right, or take care of their sister. The fundamentally not believe that all women deserve respect, deserve to feel safe, and deserve to make choices about who they want to speak with.
And you know why I "felt the need to make this post"? Because i was genuinely scared, even if i wasnt assaulted or harassed more severely I could have been. So when you see my fury and my exaggeration and you think for once second I was talking about poking somebody to let them know they dropped their headphones then you are mistaken. I was shouting my disgust into the universe with the hope that somehow it would stop creeps from following girls home. If you couldn't read between the lines and see that i'm not talkig about "looking at a woman on the bus" or even "talking to a woman on the bus" then it's my fault for rushing into the post at like 2am post panic attack but hey, if it makes you feel better to pardon my creepers than it is to admit that these behaviours are misogynistic regardless of whether or not you actively hate women individually. Which btw ingrained hatred of women is literally the definition of misogyny.
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