#im not particularly worried

[craycraybluejay]

I know I am a sick person all over because everything always hurts and somehow I'm in love with the horror of protecting you. And the eternal wish that there is something as wrong with you as there is with me. For you to hurt me for every time I failed to protect you. For you to enjoy my hurt as I would yours. To smile at me like I am the only person in the entire world even as I fade to nothing. To put small fingers inside my throat and scratch it like an illness. Like swallowing glass. And laugh the whole way through as I struggle through blood to laugh with you. The desire to burn my sickness into you if by some miracle you are different, if by some cruel blessing I am really the only one like me. To bury you alive inside my love so that no matter what it will remain past the death of the sun. It's quiet and then it's loud. Something wrong with me. No one at all knows. I make myself sicker with my fixations. I am not capable of making any of it stop. Only of tucking myself away in a small dark corner like a diseased secret. Maybe I put too much value to things, even those that are altogether inconsequential. Too much romance and sentimentality to things that simply Are. All of the cosmos is unfeeling chaos, all of the humans are feeling order, I inherit the worst of both. Everything feels like a strange, heavy nightmare. Time is fast and slow. The sensation is of a subconscious eternally screaming for me to WAKE UP, that my head is hot enough to explode and my body is wasting away-- except there is nothing else to wake up to. Life is story after story and moments of thrilling clarity. And you.

I crave so badly to earnestly write you as a freakshow. I want to grab you and run you-- all clinging to my back and bothering me with questions of what all this is-- right into my world. Hold you out above the mountain like the Lion King and thank the stars for your existence. Initiate you into a madness that is mine, and only mine. Watch you turn in my time into a being in my space. But I know in truth it's a game of burdensome waiting. That I have to play my role forever if I must and simply wait for you to wander here. That in order to hold and cherish you in both my world and this other one I must wait for you to slither up my brainstem yourself-- as a being and not a thought. To leap into my arms a billion times until the atoms do something truly bizarre. I don't allow my hands on your wheel, but I enjoy sitting there and watching as we crash into trees and fly headlong off cliffs. It is more fun than smooth sailing. More real. You manage to shock me when nothing truly phases me anymore. Reach me in a place where I am all alone. I can't push you I can't pull you I can't weave your stories together with mine alone but I will happily take your hand and lead you through the beautiful surrealities when you offer yours first.

#waxing poetic #journal #delete later #this is private but considering no one can decipher what im saying even when i purposely try to talk in a way that appeals to others #which im not doing here because this is for me and mine #im not particularly worried #even the people i love could not understand a word of this in its context the way it is meant to me #it is like i am in an infinite thick mud behind thicker glass and nothing can see me or touch me #my writing #an exercise in honesty #i will read these silly little notes to you if and when you are ready for them-- sing them even #and if not. well. i will stay loyal and content beside you until i die and after too #i want a will where you keep me on your skin. a necklace or a piercing or even under your skin #press me into something you'd like to keep and wear me until you too return to stardust #and promise me you'll never take me off. not when you shower or sleep or get married or die. #promise me i will remain with you until our remains end together. if not i'll haunt your stupid ass

[aroaceleovaldez]

reminder that the only reason the "ADHD is actually demigod BATTLE STRATEGIES" and "dyslexia is DEMIGOD BRAINS HARDWIRED FOR ANCIENT GREEK" things exist in the PJO universe is because it's a very direct reference to early 2000s teaching/parenting techniques for neurodiverse and disabled children, which aimed to frame childrens' disabilities and hardships as a "superpower" or strength so that the children would feel more positively about their disabilities or situations. This technique has fallen out of favor since then for the most part since more often than not it just results in kids feeling as though their struggles are not being seen or taken seriously.

Yes, demigods are adhd/dyslexic (and sometimes autistic-coded) in the series. This is extremely important and trying to remove it or not acknowledge it makes the entire series fall apart because it is such a core concept. Yes, canon claims that their adhd/dyslexia is tied to some innate abilities, which is based on an outdated methodology. It's important to acknowledge that and understand where it comes from! But please stop trying to apply it to other pantheons in the series like "oh, the romans have dyscalculia because of roman numerals!" or "the norse demigods have dysgraphia for reasons!" - it's distasteful at best.

A better option is to acknowledge the meta inspiration for why that exists in the series, such as explaining potentially that Chiron was utilizing that same teaching methodology to try and help demigods feel more comfortable with their disabilities and they aren't literal powers. In fact, especially given Frank, there's implication that being adhd/dyslexic isn't a guaranteed demigod trait, which means it's more likely to be normally inherited from their godly parent/divine ancestor as a general trait, not a power, and further supports the whole "ADHD is battle strategy" thing being non-literal. It also implies the entire greco-roman pantheon in their universe is canonically adhd/dyslexic - and that actually fits very well with the themes of the first series. The entire central conflict of the first series fits perfectly as an allegory about neurodiverse/disabled children and their relationships with their undiagnosed neurodiverse/disabled parents and trying to find solutions together with their shared disability/disabilities that the kid inherited instead of becoming distant from each other (and this makes claiming equivalent to getting a diagnosis which is a fascinating allegory! not to mention the symbolism of demigods inheriting legacies and legends and powers from their parents and everything that comes with that being equivalent to inheriting traits, neurodiversity, and disabilities from your parents).

anyways neurodiversity and disability and the contexts in which the series utilizes representation of those experiences particularly during the 2000s symbolically within the narrative is incredibly important to the first series and the understanding of what themes it means to represent. also if i see one more "the romans have dyscalculia instead of dyslexia" post in 2023 i'm gonna walk into the ocean.

#pjo #riordanverse #percy jackson #analysis #meta #adhd #dyslexia #also this symbolism recontextualizes the relationship between demigods and their godly parents so much #particularly Percy and Poseidon and the whole ''I'm sorry you were born thing'' like DAMN that's an ENTIRE DIFFERENT IMPLICATION #honestly in general the first series' meta analogy of being a demigod as symbolism for being neurodiverse/disabled ROCKS SO HARD #that's SO COOL and im SO SAD NOBODY EVER TALKS ABOUT IT #i could write a whole essay on that alone like COME ON GUYS #can we PLEASE ACKNOWLEDGE THIS I WANNA TALK ABOUT THE COOL DISABILITY METAPHORS.... #anyways i didnt proofread this cause. re: dyslexia so if it doesnt make sense dont worry about it #i can try to explain further in supplementary posts if people so wish

[beatcroc]

pest control TWO!!!!! heres the first one

adn heres the obligatory bonus bc i can't help myself :')

#i already threatened that little basard twice in these i may as well make good on it #pizza tower #peppino spaghetti #fake peppino #the noise #fp ''oh god wait that is not a real rat and also tastes awful'' moments. he doesnt actually have any interest in eating that thang ok #even if seeing a small scampering little guy like that WILL activate his prey drive without fail #peppino loves it he thinks it's the funniest shit in the world for fp to go after noise. so he is always encouraging this. #but anyway yeah. fp is *really* not the one noise should be worried about. #arting #pizzaposting #i still have lots of tag room thjis time so im gonna do some tangential nonsense rambling. e #fp gotta be like crazy good at hunting i think. not just for strength and predator instincts but also bc like #he doesn't have much in the way of a scent or body heat or anything that would give him away as an alive thing #not to mention he's uh... not particularly organically-shaped a lot of the time #so esp. to smaller prey that don't like... memorize a landscape; if he holds very still he's like completely undetectable #total ambush king. though i'm sure hes also very good at #persistence and pursuit hunting since he has peppino's speed and no way of getting muscle fatigue. ultimate beast #fortunately he doesnt care that much and doesnt really need to eat so hes not devastating the local ecosystem or anything #except for the rats.

[surlifen]

new sona ref at long last! and I named him finally (sort of) (was stuck between two so I've uploaded different versions of the ref in different places LMAO)

just in time for artfight teehee

#character design #am i allowed to say i listen to mcr if its literally exclusively danger days #god tumblr when i tell you i struggled HARD with names. #i like finlo because it can be nicknamed fin‚ it's irish‚ and it means fair haired sun god #and im blond. and im suncoded. and im irish #but i also love salt because it's weird‚ i like the sound better‚ and it has more of a furry name vibe #obviously both have beachy vibes because “fin” and seasalt #so idk maybe finlo is his Real Name and fin and salt are nicknames i just worry i cant communicate that clearly lol #BUT ANYWAY. HES ME. i traced pics of myself as studies for this #its cool to have a sona w my actual body type that i really like! not that i have a particularly stigmatized body type not even close but #IDK. FURRIES ARE LIKE TWIGS USUALLY and i am STOUT #real bleedy ink pen

[shakingparadigm]

this is random but one of my favorite ALNST joke OCs is a girl who had a massive crush on Ivan and was able to date him for a little while because he felt bored enough to accept her. what follows is the most excruciating insanity inducing half-relationship in existence (they lasted 3 weeks before she gave up trying to understand him)

#her name is saya!! saya ng #she had the biggest crush on ivan and when she asked him out he said yes in the most casual way ever that she thought he was joking #the whole time they're “together” she's nervously looking away and blushing while ivan's eyes are trained on that gray haired boyfail there #whenever she'd ask to do couple things with him like hold hands or eat together he'd comply for a little while #but then he'd say something important came up and that he had to leave #she understood because of course! he's a top student surely hes busy no worries #he always seemed to have a wall up. smile never faltering but never fully genuine either #he always looked at her like he was seeing past her and not like he was looking at her person #he was a good and charming conversationalist but even though she got to spend more time with him #it never really felt like a “relationship”. more like two people roleplaying the actions of a relationship #because ivan was so closed off #she started noticing till more all because ivan kept noticing him #and she noticed how he seemed to change when he noticed till. like tills presence was enough to rewire his brain #she quickly realized she was nobody next to him and broke it off #anyways she got sent home because she wasn't good enough to graduate (she wasn't particularly good at anything) #she watched all her friends (dotori/acorn #round 3 and 4 kids) #die on screen #and when she's sent to a different singing competition she loses and dies #her name saya ng combines to make the word sayang #which in my language means: a waste #okay. this was supposed to be funny but now that im saying it #it low-key sounds kind of diabolical #by the way this idea is inspired by the Patreon info about ivan #(he CANONICALLY would accept anyones confession if he was bored enough. V and Q said that theyd tire of ivan being so closed and mysterious) #imagine being in the “recovering from dating ivan” club #alnst #random

[96percentdone]

I feel like it bears repeating on like a daily basis, but I do unironically think Nirvana Initiative is like. Demonstrably superior in craft and meaning than the first AI: The Somnium Files. Like I'm not doing a bit on this blog or anything I just actually think AINI is that good and deserves the world. This is the hill upon which I will die, I'm right, fuck you.

#hope.txt #i enjoyed aitsf 1 to be completely clear #it was a fun time #i liked the characters generally speaking with a few exceptions #its a funny little mystery romp with a nice emotional core about love in general and family in specific #im not an aitsf 1 hater by any stretch #i just don't find it compelling or particularly complex a narrative #AINI HOWEVER #I WOULD GLADLY DROWN IN ITS MARIANAS TRENCH #i think aini deserves better threatment than it gets around these parts tbh #i think the fandom is extremely unfair to it and the hot takes are all in massive bad faith #aini #ai nirvana initiative #nirvana initiative #THIS IS NOT A BIT THIS IS NOT A JOKE #THE ESSAY IS REAL AND ITS BECAUSE I FEEL THIS WAY WITH MY WHOLE CHEST #I AM RIGHT FUCK YOU #yes i am mildly inviting people to fight me for real #i will win #im not even worried about it #i will kick your ass if you come at me with bad faith hot takes i will win the fandom war #no one understands aini like I do #i am ready to go for bloody fandom warfare if i must i really am

[tenojan-in-tevinter]

Whew ok chalk art achieved!!!

All of my muscles hurt but it was so worth it look at him!! First time I have ever drawn Gale and I think he turned out really well!

At least ten people walking past called him Jesus it was beautiful. One guy came up to it, shouted "GALE!!!!" And then got embarrassed and ran away.

#gale dekarios #baldurs gate 3 #bg3 gale #gale of waterdeep #bg3 #baldurs gate 3 fanart #bg3 fanart #baldur's gate 3 #thé festival was yesterday it was a lot of fun! #i was so tired when I got home I couldn't even post this yet lol #chalk art is so fun yet so painful the next day #im happy with the colors even though they're not exact #the blue was particularly spectacular in person #i loved blending them into the pavement I got covered in pigment #we had fresh pizza for lunch and gelato and doughnuts #the chalk art festival is literally the best there's always so many people who come to do art #anyways anyways anyways #im super glad he turned out good I was worried cause I've never drawn him before #but soon enough the chalk entranced me and all worries melted away as I got into the zone #look at him look at him!!!! #baldurs gate gale #baldurs gate fanart #baldurs gate 3 gale #my art

[dayurno]

cuties i love talking about kevin day with you and this blog is mostly run on asks and kekeing with you all but i must ask that you don't send me any more asks doomguessing about tsc. i understand and sometimes i even agree but it's just not something i'm interested in talking about! the world is so beautiful and large and kevin day has the prettiest wettest biggest eyes in the world. send me asks about him instead ok

#im not anon scolding its just that (motions vaguely) #ive done my due talking about all the things that are bad in aftg #the racism specifically gets to me the most and i dont want to talk about it anymore #if you scroll down my blog you will find my criticism of how thea and nicky and riko were handled #you will find it all #and im not interested in rehashing it anymore #i dont know if nora sakavic has changed or not in the past ten years #and im not particularly interested in guessing either #i enjoy the original aftg work and its what ill keep blogging about unless #kevin day is so prevalent in tsc its inevitable for me to read it #if that is not the case then i probably wont bother with it #and if youre afraid itll be a bad book you shouldnt either #lets talk about kevin instead. Forever #i promise outside of my little kevin day microblog i already have plenty to worry about re: the horrors #i am a real life communist if you can believe it #so i understand. and i know. but we must be happy #its the only way to exist #txt

[sundial-bee-scribbles]

hiki and geki matching post

hiki and geki matching post

#utau #kazehiki utau #gekiyaku utau #(this isn't all of them but these are the ones i thought matched the most esp given the poses; these r the 偽薬; 点滴; and 顆粒 vbs respectively) #(also i hope this doesnt go against kuzutokaze's terms?? cause its just low quality screencaps and not the full high res art) #(but ill delete if i have to) #theyre sillyyyy i like them BOTH when u have vsynths that are meant to b counterparts do not separate them!!! #angst siblings angst siblings... (to me.) maybe im particularly based b/c reminds me of my own brother and i #but also ive just read interpretations/fantheories abt these two that have absolutely DESTROYEDDD me sad as fuck man wtf 😭😭 #i have a lot of thoughts abt a lot of vsynths. ughhhh curse me not having a lot of time to draw rn #i will admit i was a bit more hiki based at first lmao but ive warmed up to geki; yeah her voice tone def isnt for everyone #i totally get that. but she can roll her rs so good LMAOO... and also just in the way/s i interpret her she reminds me a lot of myself :( #[well ok i project heavilyyy on a lot of my vsynth interpretations but these two. i can do things. *hits them w/ my latine beam*] #[JOKINGG... /hj. in a way. shhhhhhhh dont even worry about it. i NEEED to test out more how they both sound in spanish tho i need] #please ignore these tags for the love of god 😭😭😭 its late and im going a little unhinged

[seariii]

Hum...

#im just thinking... im okay tho /gen #just thinking about the words the bestie said to me after I told him about my mental health... #particularly a phrase... he just said 'you are already committed' and when i asked what he meant he said 'to life' #its just... idk... it was impressive and had such a weird feeling... sadly i guess i am committed........ 'sadly' huh.... #sigh another important thing was that it was crucial i went back to therapy... i dont really want to tho... #but 'youve been feeling like this for a long time you need help' ... sigh... what i need is... #the future is so scary... sigh... okay #ill put an alarm to wake up earlier tomorrow and work on that! #seari talks #what i need is adderall- jsjsjsjsjs yeah... alr im sleepy time to mimir #tomorrow ill catch up with everything i missed too #also if anyone reads this dont worry pretty person! i got a bit scared/upset up there but its okay #im quite stable right now! at least enough to survive for a couple days! so yup! #miiiight have to look up a new therapist tho... since aside from help i wanna get a diagnosis.... #sigh... but okay that's not for rn seari it's for future seari. rn seari has to go mimir because shes tired #a mimir a mimir pat pat pat

[bmpmp3]

i do think its kinda funny when i see someone in the year of our lord 2024 talk about vocal synth music like its all gone downhill since like 2010 because like dont get me wrong i love a good niconicodouga-ass 2008 ass vocaloid joint BUT also like. the past couple years have had the most fascinatingly creative and expressive uses of vocal synthesizers ive ever heard in my life DJFSKHJDFS dont write it all off just yet!!

#usually i only see that from people who havent actually listened to any vsynth music from the past 15 years so i understand why they got to #that conclusion. and also usually theyre people who didnt listen to much vsynth music in the first place LOL they just dont know #but it is still a little funny. brother there are things beyond your wildest dreams if u just look #like some personal highlights: the stuff by rinri - particularly their use of the meika girlies #dont carry our memories away is LIFECHANGING the whispers. the spoken parts. the BELTS #plus the haunting and unrelenting instrumentation. fantastic song #and naisho no pierced's propose + birthday + gift sort of trilogy of songs. gift especially has been unreal #again the dynamics of soft intimate whispers to belts but also those fuller high notes with edges of growlyness. #plus the songs just generally rock. and those LYRICS. absolutely intense like physically painful and frightening like #yearning and codependency and possession. and the tuning and production just amps it up more #OH and slave.v.v.r has been doing crazy things for even longer but i only started getting into his stuff recently and holy shit #love eater is like. the scariest vocaloid song ive ever heard not because of the lyrics. but because of the tuning #im like. scared. i cant stop listening to it. the heavy synthesized breathy main vocals and whispered harmonies plus the VOCAL FRY #i didnt realized vocaloid5? i think? has a vocal fry option built in i heard? thats crazy #but specifically in love eater the fry and growl is amped up so deep and loud and clear compared to everything else it like #emphasizes the artificiality of the voice while also amping up the expressiveness #its awesome. and on the older slave.v.v.r songs i heard i will hit you 8759632145 times with this piano. also so fucking cool #addicted to that song. 1) its a great jazzy rocky piano tune with this piano flourish at the end of each phrase that sounds fantastic #but also 2) the lyrics are insane. using kanji to write english?????? #people are doing wild ass things with vocal synths rn you guys #this isnt even getting into some of the really unique synths themselves too. adachi rei is awesome i love that shes just like #the perfect inbetween of sample based and reconstruction based vocals. shes a sample based synth #but her samples were drawn by hand LOL shes like dectalks granddaughter to me..... #a really good use of adachi rei is iyowa's heat abnormal/heat anomaly/whatever its called ITS AWESOME thats what it is hjrkfdgfd #i think the fact that vocal synths can be so realistic and clean and noiseless out the gate now has made people really stop worrying #about like. realism all together and looking more into expressiveness. omg vocal synth modernist movement

[fruitsyrups]

i think your hat post is really cool and interesting but susan’s hat is a cat and i will die on this hill

this is true!!! when i was talking about the modern human hats not resembling animals i meant all of these ones

(excluding the minerva-bots and finn of course)

#wait. wait. i just thought something #finn wearing his bear hat -> bc it makes him feel connected to the humans #and martin & the hiders (that old woman with the tiger at least) not wearing hats bc they don't feel that personal connection w/ the island #ok this is so obvious but i just think comparing and contrasting finn and martin is so interesting #but i don't think martin really was a hider. i don't think he felt particularly connected to any ideology or viewpoint in particular #he's a floater #yk #martin is so interesting #i dont like the amnesia theory or whatever (that martin also lost his memory in some capacity) #like to me its just that. he was able to commit enough to start a family but not committed enough to go back to them #after being seperated & having freedom #& he just super duper avoids thinking about it bc it makes him feel guilty. but not guilty enough to do anything about it #like when he said he doesn't like thinking about minerva cause it stresses him out that doesn't come across as 'can't remember' #it very much comes across as 'nah im not gonna expend energy into thinking about something emotionally difficult' #like if he actually tried to be a dad to finn he'd have to face all the time he spent not looking for him. instd of just avoiding it all #like where's the fun in making him less Complicated. you know? #whenever finn is in the vicinity martin's always tryna get out of there as fast as possible 😭 #i guess that could also just be seen as him trying to avoid the consequences of his actions (like when he's worried finns gonna try to rip #his arm off lmao) but i personally interpret it all as a guilt thing too #none of this is related to the ask but yea 🫣

[soldier-poet-king]

Why is writing cover letters like pulling teeth. I DONT LIKE having interviews and conversations with strangers but in this case I actually find it easier to talk myself up / talk about my abilities and experience in person, not limited to a single page of job-speak language that is ultimately meaningless

#ughhhhhh #the duality of fran #i want this job thoooo #and i didnt work on it yesterday bc i was tired and not feeling 100% #but i REALLY want to get the app in by the end of the week. friday evening ideally #just like. one less thing to worry about #its weirder bc i know the guy who's hiring #not particularly well #but its not like. a cold open letter #so i feel weirdly formal writing him like this #even tho thats what im supposed to be doing #when really like #as colleagues from related orgs i could just email him like hey (name) what's up #were it any other situation than me trying to get him to hire me at this specific position #bleghh bleghh bleghhh

[august--and-everything-after]

Was expressing to my mum that in addition to being confused and stressed about what to wear to my friend's wedding (it's the first Indian wedding I've been too, plus it's in Cancun so I have to pack for beach weather) and that one of my anxieties is that I want to find clothing that I will feel comfortable in with my body hair. Her well-meaning suggestion was that I should just shave cause it would make everything else easier, but I haven't shaved in years and years and doing it just for the wedding means I'll have to buy a razor and shaving cream/gel, deal with probably nicking my skin, ingrown hairs, razor burn, for an entire week at least, and then the growing-out again after and I just really don't want to do all that. If the men will be there in shorts with their hairy legs then so will I.

I'm already gonna stick out like a sore thumb as one of the only white woman, likely the only woman not wearing heavy makeup, and very likely dressed entirely differently than everyone else. I know I'm gonna feel like a freak next to all the other women :(

#im usually totally confident about my choices to keep my body hair and not wear makeup #until im in a setting where the other women are all dressed up #cause people treat all the femininity crap that i dont participate in as being required for looking well-dressed and presentable as a woman #im worried my friend will think im disrespecting her by not 'dressing up enough' or whatever #i dont think she'd ever tell me to my face but idk if she'll be upset with me for not shaving or wearing makeup #she's not particularly traditional but idk about her family and the other guests #there's so much uncertainty around all the elements here and im worried ill make a fool of myself or upset people #idk what to do #august talking

[irhabiya]

today sucked the life out of me ya Allah

#nothing particularly happened #well actually multiple things happened but none of them are that big of a deal im just tired #yesterday the ppt file for my presentation corrupted as i was finishing it :') didn't have autosave on :')) #had to redo the entire thing from scratch. i was working on it all week too for god's sake #finished by like 4am today and i had to be up by 8 for uni so i barely slept #the presentation was fine i think given i had to do everything again last minute but ik the original version was better #my blood pressure was through the roof the entire day for some reason. felt my pulse in my head for the whole day #fitting because our pbl case this week was about hypertension😭 #called my dad to make sure he went to get his meds renewed... #i'm really worried about him he refused to go to the doctor again aslan but i sat him down and we had a long talk about it #alhamdulillah he agreed to go. only for them not to have his diabetes meds in stock💀 bas ya3ni it's good that he went anyway #my mom is a different story she's so stubborn i swear #had an argument with her today about letting me work again to lift a bit of the workload off her since money is still so tight #and she got pissed at me #so now im tired unrested have a migraine and my mom is mad at me what a day bgad #ya Allah

[rabbitsfrommars]

Hello fellow girlkissers do you guys think women are actually into girlflops or is it just on this website? I feel like you get the consensus that like the girlies love pathetic women and I... I'm a pathetic woman but I am too scared to talk to other lesbians irl because women are just so so so froths at the mouth

#im so pathetic and socially stupid and autistic #but im particularly worried about the future #i want to make friends but im... afraid... #kraken rambles #why are adult friendships so scary #rejection dysphoria is also a bitch #i wanna hide away and bury myself in trading cards but im also... an extrovert #(<- an oxymoron) #i wish someone would be the edgeworth to my wright #and by that i mean i hope an intimidating woman calls me stupid and kisses me on the lips #might delete later