#im tired and in pain so this is a mess

[localchangeling]

I love plant shops. I love crystal shops. I love shops that are all about the mystical, such as witch shops. And I love shops that have handmade items like soaps, lotions, candles and so on.

What I hate is that constantly I find that I'll be looking at a shop (online or in person), and it's great. Until I find them selling palo santo. Until I find them selling white sage. Until I find them selling said white sage as a smudge stick.

Please, and I cannot emphasize this enough: Stop throwing around the term smudging. It is a sacred ritual. You are not smudging. You are smoke cleansing. Learn more about both. Smoke cleansing isn't appropriation, but smudging is.

It is disrespectful to indigenous people who have smudging as part of sacred rituals. But especially disrespectful, actually, beyond disrespectful and downright awful, is the use of Palo Santo and White Sage.

Palo Santo comes from two trees, and the process of harvesting it is in itself a sacred process to harvest the trees that involves only fallen ones, after letting them rest for years. When buying Palo Santo, almost every time it will not be in support of indigenous peoples whose culture is being exploited. Culture and environment, land. Because the over harvesting of these trees (one type is in the red zone for endangered, the other is nearing it), is harmful to the trees, and it damages and makes dryer the land that Palo Santo grows on in Latin America. It hurts people and the earth, both through culture and through environmental impacts.

In Peru and Ecuador it's illegal to cut down Palo Santo trees. However, because of the profit that corporations seek to gain because of people turning a blind eye, not doing their research, and being 'trendy' within wellness - and witch - communities, the trees are still being illegally cut down. It's likely most of what anyone encounters in store isn't of a matured tree, because the young trees often are chopped down. Another insult to the people being exploited is that the workers and the indigenous communities are also being specifically exploited with unfair wages.

There is such a thing as appreciating cultures, but just using Palo Santo generally is not the way to do it. Appreciation of a culture means knowing the history, the cultural meanings and traditions related to the plant (or anything else). It's also knowing the impact on the people's whose culture you want to appreciate. When that impact is negative, find other ways to appreciate the culture. Or find ways to ethically source something. For example, finding ethically sourced Palo Santo. Luna Sundara is an example of this. The shop works with the government's of Peru and Ecuador to legally import Palo Santo, they follow both government and sacred laws in only using wood that's been matured, and they make sure the indigenous communities and workers are receiving good care and fair wages.

I got really intensely focused on Palo Santo, but I still need to emphasize the problem with using White Sage. While it isn't currently on an endangered list, it is leading there quickly. White Sage is used in food, medicine and ritual ceremonies for some Native American tribes. White Sage is not the same as some more common sages, and it doesn't grow as much or in as many areas. The overharvesting of this sage threatens the plant and the ecosystem of the area, as well as effecting the traditions of tribes in areas around Southern California and Northwestern Mexico. I highly recommend this article. But to summarize, people use White Sage as a way to cleanse their space, but do so while disrespecting the rituals that they claim to be doing (I'm looking at you 'smudge sticks'). Native people gather from the earth in very specific ways, caring for the plants that are being harvested from and taking only small bits at a time. However, harvesters looking only at profit take from the plant with no regard for it, ripping roots out of the ground, just taking and taking. Not only is that horrific, but it isn't sustainable. White Sage, among other plants, risk endangerment and possibly extinction by the misuse and over harvesting currently happening. The burning of white sage that is popularly done today isn't done in the way Native people of California do it, either. Whole bundles are burned for the smoke because it's pretty, but Native people would burn the same bundle much, much slower. Carelessness is a good word for it.

And again, when looking at ways you might use white sage ethically, there are exceptions. Here's a site that goes into that. I will be honest, because of the level of cultural appropriation that is associated with the misuse of white sage, that mostly looks like not using it. However, when more ethically acquired (see: from Native people of Southern California + farmed not wild-sourced) and used sparingly (and not by 'smudging') there is possibilities. The best thing to do, though, is use something else.

Both Palo Santo and White Sage are (mis)used in wellness communities, meditation communities, and by witches. The idea behind the use of both of these is for cleansing, purification, and to drive away bad energy. However, using plants that are endangered or at risk of endangerment, using these plants while indigenous people beg you not to - and on top of it appropriating ceremonies that are clearly not being understood or respected - will only being bad energy into your life. Burn bundles made of lavender, or cedar, or rosemary. Make an at home essential oil spray (be mindful of the ingredients) with plants that cleanse and purify. Incense, candles. Bake, learn a new craft. Do things with good intentions. Things like these can bring you good energy, but exploiting Indigenous people and exploiting ecosystems, will not.

#palo santo #white sage #smudging #witchcraft #wellness #herbalism #im tired and in pain so this is a mess #but it's important to say these things even if i didnt say it well #also any just like hate messages will be deleted #but any productive comments or questions are welcome #mavis posts #mavis barks #personal

[thedisablednaturalist]

If fucking roblox can have wheelchairs your AAA or indie game can too

#wrenfea.exe #i dont play roblox so idk if its an offical roblox avatar item or not #i was watching a stream and spotted someone using a wheelchair on their avatar and playing like everyone else #sure some animations may be messed up but that happens regardless #bc roblox is made up of a bunch of different things made by different people #im tired of people complaining about wheelchairs being too hard and then adding 500 fully animated avatar items that aren't necessary #like the bar is so low rn #wheelchair #chronic disability #chronic pain #spoonie #disability #chronic illness #indie gaming #indie games #game developer #game development #aaa games

[bunnihearted]

🐰🩹🧸🏨

#i hate being in pain like this #bc it completely takes over my life. like im incapable of thinking of anything else #im incapable of relaxing or enjoying anything. i cant do important things. cant do anything else but sit still nd be in pain #it just renders me completely useless and makes me stop functioning properly #im just a hopeless mess made of anxiety nd sadness. idk why but i just hyperfixate on it and i cant 'let go' or relax or not think abt it #idk how other ppl do it.... i wish i wasnt like this bc it's awful. it's like the only thing that exist nd ever will exist is this pain 4evr #im dramatic i know but ​it genuinely feels like my entire life is over and i'll ever know is pain nd nothing will ever get better again #im so caught up in it i cant see anything else but my pain. i cant think of the future bc do i have one?? i dont know #im just not feeling good at all. and everything feels bleak and depressing and i dont want it :(( #i cant have any fun or nice moments at all and im just tired of life #i feel so fkn stressed abt all the things i need to do nd all my responsibilities and idk how i'll do them when im in this pain #i just hope it can calm down soon i just want it to be a little bit easier just a little bit #getting thru each day now is so fkn hard i barely sleep but when i do i wish i never wake up #i hate everything and it feels like my future is fucked #which makes me wanna die!! but it also makes me sad bc there is actually sm i want to live for #i dont want it all to be ruined bc i want to try to live!!!! :( #and yess im know im being dramatic but i cant help it. im weak nd im terrible at dealing w pain nd issues #im not a strong person who can withstand everything nd finds ways to live either way. maybe it's bc my will to live isnt that strong #idk. i just hate this i want it to be over. it's taking over my life nd idk how to still function like this

[the-kipsabian]

i dont want to believe im a bad writer but impostor syndrome after struggling for so long hits just really fucking hard sometimes

#okay im done now sorry im just very tired in physical pain and just. yeah #its so hard to sometimes convince yourself that youre worth something when the only place youre hearing that from is yourself #its been a long day im exhausted. idk. sorry for being sad #night is an absolute mess on main

[namistrella]

hi this blog is indefinitely inactive

only making this post to pin at the top of the blog since most of my fics still link here

to manage expectations. I may (I hope!!) post to ao3 from time to time in future but thats about it. will try to answer dms/discord still but the response time will be slow

#im fine just tired and in pain #thought a lot about whether or not to even pin anything but its looking like im in this ride for the long haul so #heres hoping im wrong!! #personal #no need to reply this is literally just so I can pin something without having to edit my profile and mess up my html links

[ink-sinner]

i've actually been brainrotting over mess so hard this past week. like?? everything abt her is so??? the way she's written and her dream was intentionally made to be comical and fun, but every time i think abt it everything abt her makes me so sad 😢

she's clearly been abused (by her parents presumably??) and her whole life she's been used and subjected to malice. her p3 and ecb pictures both show her as scared and her ecb even says "stay away from me... stay away from me... stay away from me..." she's actually terrified of the malice she sees, and in a perfect world, she would be just a blacksmith, and someday, a hero would come and save her and the world for her.

but what gets me is that she's accepted no one will come to save her 😢😢 even so, she still chooses to wake up herself. she doesn't want a happy dream where she just ignores her true fears; she wants to eliminate the root cause of all her fears and nightmares — malice in the world. it's so childish, but it's her way of coping.. to blame man's evil acts onto a big baddie to defeat.

it's also still in line with ptn's overarching theme despite the "lol fun silly game" theme,, how do you fix a broken world? some would just destroy it all, some would try to use the law. some do tiny acts of kindness, some run away, some just accept it. it's hard to know what to fix when both the system and the people are messed up — do you start from the bottom to the top, or do you reform the top and it'll bleed down to the bottom? for mess, the way she's decided to fix the world is.. through a misguided attempt to defeat a big bad dragon that is the source of all human malice, which is impossible, but somehow infinitely easier than trying to fix what's broken in every human heart.

but im so annoyed that even after her interrogation, we know nothing abt her!! she lives alone in eastside, she has a forge and a store, she's rich as shit, she's been selling weapons for 2 years. she intentionally provokes people in an effort to harvest malice great enough to cut off malice/her fears. she likes stuffed toys and cute things. what about her history?? why is the data abt her parents unavailable? who are they? what did they do to her? how did they die, how did she awaken? she can harvest malice, so presumably, before awakening, she wished she could remove someone's malice. but what happened that made her awaken? why did she decide that to defeat malice, you must use greater malice??? what is this zoya 2.0?? to defeat violence, use greater violence — to defeat malice, use greater malice?? like???? 😭😭😭😭 she's so mysterious i just wanna know cmon aisno what is this 😭😭😭

#path to nowhere #mess #i have so many fragmented thoughts about her #like for example #fun juxtaposition with mr doyle: both are drowning in other people's malice #but where mess embraces it and uses it as a (futile) weapon to defeat the monster that is the source of all malice in her head #doyle is a lot more world weary and resigned; this is all i can do #ways people cope ig... but also mess is still just a child. she has a really childish and. mean. way of trying to cope with peoples evil #im so mad like even chief is so mean to her.. like i get it but at the same time i dont bc mess is my daughter #wdym chief isnt controlled by malice.... isnt using the shackles twice malice towards you? what is happening #also is it just me or is her interrogation wonkily translated #anw i have too many thoughts its unhealthy im gonna p3 her tom bc im that obsessed 😭😭😭 #sorry for this rambling mess im tired n in pain i adore my new child sm (bye 3H bye zoya) #rs

[coloursofaparadox]

im still not over the sleep thing one sec i gotta rant about this shit

#i think the problem now is that historically my sleep habits have been Really Messed Up by what can loosely be called insomnia my whole life #its always kinda just been a given that if im in bed and i cant sleep there is absolutely nothing that can be done to help #and thats not for lack of trying i have tried every meditation and suggested solution possible. it does not happen. #if i cant fall asleep and try to force myself w/o distractions i will be awake staring at the ceiling for hours. usually till the morning #thats not an exaggeration it happened often before i gave up on it. so i figured out coping methods! #namely 1) making sure my body is taken care of as well as possible to make sure its not caused by pain or hunger or anxiety #and 2) not trying to force it and accepting itll happen when it happens. and then reading a book or watching a show on a dim screen #until i physically cant keep my eyes open and then i can fall asleep. if i try any earlier than that no dice. my brain wakes itself up again #these worked for years! but now thanks to adhd meds that actually make my brain quiet. uh. these same coping methods are. not working #im physically tired and start my usual routine and wait to pass out while reading but i just. dont. ever. #like. the physically tired feeling has never made a difference in my body cooperating with sleep. but now apparently it will???? #and ive been ignoring it??? bc im used to it not working? i tried just. closing my eyes and trying to lay still yesterday and it WORKED #after like. 10 minutes or so. it was fucking crazy. i thought media and pop culture was lying about people doing that. #anyways. apparently i can fall asleep like a human and not some kind of weird chronically exhausted cryptid now. #(because of new adhd meds to be clear) but i havent been because i didnt even think to TRY it. since. yknow. cryptid status. #shits weird.

[real-life-cloud]

:(

#the sky speaks #vent time!! #tw suicidal ideation #i wish i could just hate my mother it would be so much easier #but shes trying so hard and in so much pain #but shes so TIRING to be around !!!! #she got in a wreck this evening. she was drinking and driving around to all of people who don't talk to her anymore #shes getting a dui i guess? #and this is just one thing in a looooong list of shit shes pulled #ive heard her scream and sob so much today. but now shes also saying she wants to die. over n over #full on existential crisis. she feels no purpose and is so lonely #she left this morning to go shopping tyen just never came home. my dad asked me to call her and she answered and just said #i can't. im sorry. and hung up on me. then she turned off her phone and we didnt know where she was for a half hour #and i was so fucjing worried that shed killed herswlf or somthing i couldnr even remember rhe last thing i said to her? #i hugged her for so long when we finally got home #but im just so tired of loving her #shes still down there crying but i cqnt listen tk her anymore. my head is pounding. i wanna sob. i never wanna cry again. #i kinda wanna die too but i feel like i cant tell anyone really. moms such a mess how could i possibly put these feelings onto dad or thomas #and not mom. god. shes thw reason i feel like that. evwry time. im so tired of her falling apart that id rather not be here. #if i had just sucked up being on my period and went shopping with her today this wouldn't have happened. but that shoyldnr be how it is!!!!! #im allowed ro stay home!!! i shouldnr have to babysit her!! but ive felt like i was HER mother aince i was 17 #im just so tired

[mookybear12404]

I feel so bad everytime I talk to someone all it just ends up me venting abt work I need to stop doing that

#thats literally ALL thats going on in my life shdfjlhkl #im. so tired #two ER trips yesterday and today has been a hot mess #trying to get paperwork for a purchase has been a pain #overwhelmed by the work I need to do for this event I literally broke down crying today ahhhh #I hate that spending time with people has started to become stressful #like 'I have so much work things to do anything thats not work is immediately going to make me feel bad' #I have a work meeting at 8am tomorrow but idc im staying up for the new genshin release #I desperately need this serotonin #mooky talks #vent post #delete later

[eternallys]

.

#so fed up of being anxious!! #i need tomorrow over and done with!!! #like i know i can pass my test!! i know i can do it!! #but that smidgen of confidence is nowhere near enough #to outweigh the thought that i could mess it up again #and its driving me crazy #and nothing i try calms me down 😭 #i got a lesson in a minute and im so ☹️☹️ #bc im stressed and tired and got neck pain #but i gotta do my lesson bc its like i need as much practice possible #i’ll have another lesson before my test but still. #i wish i could relax i really do ;-; #personal #in fact this time tomorrow my test will most likely be halfway done #all this stress for a whole 30/40 min drive around town 😭😭

[looklikeapencil]

me, tired of this patient complaining about their knee:

#personal #work shit #i dont mind everyone else complaining... but im tired of this guy #you have money and privilege so go to a pain management clinic #or i can take ur bad knee out with a bat #i'll do it for free #because your knee cant get any worse #it is - in clinical terms - a 'hot mess'

[sick-as-a-dog]

×

#guess whos sis might be pissed off at them despite me begging for help and explaining that im struggling and in pain #nobody gives a shit about me and my needs do they i never ficmong asked for his bullshit it wasnt supposed to he like this #stepsis promised she wouldnt flake but that stupid fuckong asshole hasnt responded to any messages im so done #she hasnt payed me for taking care of her cat AT ALL even tho ive been holding her for longer than was agreed on #it was supposed to be a simple job only take care of them until they were weaned and rehomed #she was supposed to get her cat aleady she keeps saying she has homes for them and changing her mind why the fuck is she doing this shit #plus the damn cat chewed my headphones in half so she owes me a new pair but i fuckong know she wont pay that back #tempted to rehome her cat since she ONLY asks for kitten pics and doesnt contact me for anything else not even to check in on her cat #im so fucking tired and done with everything especially since its gotten so much worse since the toe infection #i tried and tried and tried and tried and tried and tried and tried and tried and tried and tried and tried and tried and tried and failed #and now moving at all is pure suffering so i definitely cant keep up cleaning after her asshole cat who apparently likes to shit everywhere #im tempted to hunt that stupid bitch down and force her to clean up every mess her fuckong cat made im so fuckong done with everything #doenst help i barly have any ebergy eber since he doent wanna be maets anynore xant even eat or sleep mucj cnat even love rogjy #so tired so pain juat eanna die i cant keep this shit up nothing is worth living for anymore tbh and now my sis is gonna make me feel worse #im going to lose my own cats befause of that atupid shitstain of a stepsister and uer cat im going to fuinkig vomit and kill so dnoe

[gojoest-main]

had a terrible day i need hugs ;-;

#ai.txt #everything is falling apart rn #like literally... a lot of stuff in my place need fixing and my landlord is being such a pain in the ass #after the ceiling incident it's been just one thing after another #he's just driving me insane #and on top of that im on my period #and my lunch order was messed up as well #i mean that's not rly a big deal but after all i went through today #it was the last straw and i just broke down #it's time i got my own apartment and be in debt for the rest of my life #which is still better than dealing with a landlord who thinks everything is too expensive #dude im paying you so much money for rent just get me a new boiler i need hot water dammit #AND HUGS #but not from my landlord i hate him i want to punch him #im so sick and tired of everything honestly

[the-kipsabian]

sorry i had a lot of stuff in the drafts and i dont feel great tonight so :)

#will probably sleep soon. anxiety brain and body pains and whatnot happening tonight #im just overthinking a lot. feeling a certain way. it has nothing to do with things here its internal about irl stuff #and im very tired so. yay #gonna finish my hotel hell binge watch and then sleep me thinks #night is an absolute mess on main

[your-fave-is-bi]

I want to sit n play video games and drink tea and listen to songs together. I want to go for a snack run to the grocery store. I want to sit and hear my friend breathe and laugh and smile, i want to hear every mundane fucking sound they make, i want to see how they walk, i want to borrow beloved blankets to burrow in, i want to be near the people i love so dearly but who live continents away. a

#personal tag #im fucking lonely and stressed and tired and in pain and i just want to hug my friends #legitimately i think if someone hugged me I’d crumple into a mess of goop and tears #me: why do i have so much tension and headaches again #also me: trying to wrangle my perfectionist undiagnosed adhd ass to finish my thesis by the end of this week #i just wanna feel like i can breathe again. the course of my next few years is hinged on the yes or no on my degree #and i dont have plans for whichever way it goes #i just want to get away. i just want to get out and away and leave #i want a little studio for myself and i want to sit and breathe #and know that im out. i want to get out #dont rb i guess im just having emotions

[murobrown]

.

#new ability unlocked....✨health anxiety✨ #I'm tired man I'm so fucking tired of panicking all the time because I feel like I'm going to pass out ot throw up #or constantly googling health symptoms what makes me feel thousands times worse and definitely doesn't calm me down #one day I'm sure I'm getting a heart attack on next day I have a brain tumor then epilepsy then I go for aneurysm... #fucking funniest thing is that it's been going on for two months and absolutely nothing happened to me #i just have constant headache nausea and pain in my stomach but I haven't passed out or threw up or anything #fuck I just want back my normal life when I'm not in constant worry #i feel like im 24/7 in a high alert panic mode so I can't comprehend anything calmly... #i feel like an animal that's constantly just running away from something #I'm scared too see a doctor because I don't even know how to explain my problems...they will think I'm completely insane... #I can't remember last time I ate something without feeling anxious and being in pain afterwards #and the worst thing is that I developed even ubhealier relationship with food by counting calories :)))) #so even though I eat nothing I need to push myself into an intense workout because my brain tells me I need to burn everything #i didn't know ai could be even more messed up than I was before #but hey I lost a ton of weight and I am in the best shape I've ever been... it's all I ever wanted and it cost me only my sanity :))))) #i don't even have clothes to fit in anymore because everything literally falls down from me... #currently I'm convinced I'm going to pass out and die any second but I know I'll be alright I can't just die out of nowhere... #I'm healthy and everything will be okay...I survived so much and it will get only better #if you read this rant I typed out while hyperventilating congratulations you get a free cookie and a warm tea I'll be making #guys but seriously...do you know how to tackle this? or the only logical way is to see a doctor? #because I don't know how long can I go on like this considering from September my job should get even more stressful... #now my stress level is high like never before... just thinking about September is giving me a panic attack #aaaaand those are the things I shouldn't think about because the only thing stressing me out the most is my fucking self :) #that's the damn problem like the thing that's making me most stressed is the stress 🙃 #I feel nauseous because I'm stressed and I'm stressed because I'm nauseous...makes sense #i think I'm loosing my mind...and it fucking sucks that I do this to myself for no reason at all #i have a nice relaxing day and then in the evening I decide to think about all the bad stuff and kill it all #another scary thing is living on your own without any close friends in your life and with your family hours away...it won't let me sleep #if anything happens I'm alone...if I pass out right now I need to take care about myself #i often think how long would it take to find my dead body here...and then I shake and cry because I don't want to die