#it was perfect. absolutely amazing. peak entertainment

[lunarrolls]

every so often i remember the hytroaga heartmoor heist and i fucking lose it. quintessential hells. these people are in their element when they have barely any idea what’s happening, are in imminent danger at all times, have both no plan and every plan at the same time, and are trapped in a place with looney tunes logic

#cr #cr3 #a fucking slide almost murdered chetney #ashton found a huge piece of their past in that stupid fake instagram tourist trap #chetney fell down a flight of stairs #90% of the party failed eight hundred wisdom saves #two clay constructs threw orym like a football #imogen was blue the whole time #it was perfect. absolutely amazing. peak entertainment

[togrowoldinv]

Paradise

Natasha Romanoff x Female Reader

The perfect honeymoon with Natasha

Warnings: Smut! 18+ please! Kissing, cursing, fingering (r receiving), oral (N receiving), bathtub sex 👀

Note: I finally got a moment to write this while on my trip. Enjoy it!

Natasha Romanoff Masterlist 1, Natasha Romanoff Masterlist 2, Main Masterlist

You knew going on your honeymoon with Natasha would be one of the best experiences of your life.

The drive was entertaining as you got to know Natasha further and fall even more madly in love with her. She let you play all of your favorite songs and you think you even heard her singing along at some point.

When you got to the resort, the view was better than you could’ve imagined but you found yourself not being able to look away from Natasha. She already seemed more relaxed than you’d ever seen before.

Her red hair shined perfectly in the sun. You suggested getting changed and heading down to the beach. She agreed and you spent most of the day soaking up the sun.

On your way back to the room, Natasha reaches for your hand as you exit the elevator.

“How about a bath?” Natasha looks over at you with a mischievous smirk on her face.

“That sounds perfect, baby,” you say.

Your favorite amenity of the nice resort is the jacuzzi bathtub in the bathroom. It’s more than big enough for both of you to be in together comfortably.

Natasha pulls you into the bathroom and kisses you. The force behind it takes you by surprise, but you love when she takes control like this.

“You are so beautiful,” Natasha says as her hands slip under your shirt. She lifts it over your head before moving her efforts to your pants, sliding them down your legs with ease.

“I want to feel you,” you tell her. You undress her much like she undressed you, and you litter kisses all over her neck and face.

You take a moment to really admire each other’s beauty. The sun made her cheeks a light pink and her eyes have never looked so perfectly green.

Natasha runs the bath and she gets in first. You settle in front of her with your back to her chest. Her hands rest over your stomach and you fiddle with her fingers. The newness of the wedding ring on her hand makes your heart soar.

“We need to get one of these,” Natasha comments.

“Agreed. We also need to go on more beach trips because you’re absolutely glowing,” you tell her.

“Oh yeah?” She asks. You lean your head to look at her and smile. “I think that’s just the result of being your wife.”

“My wife,” you say dreamily. “You’re my wife.”

“I am,” she says.

You kiss her the best you can from the angle you’re at and she lets her hands wander down your body. One rests on your hip while the other touches you so lightly right where you want her.

“Fuck, Natasha,” you softly moan into the kiss. She increases her efforts and lets her fingers brush over you more. You’ve done this with her before, but this time feels different. You must have a look on your face that tells her that because Natasha stops kissing you.

“What is it?” She asks. Her hand runs over your cheek and down your neck in a soothing motion.

“Something about being wives now. It’s just different,” you say.

“Different good?”

“Different amazing,” you say. “I love you so much and I’m just so happy we’re married.”

Natasha smiles at that. “I’m happy too. The happiest I’ve ever been.”

“Me too.”

You share a sweet kiss and Natasha gets back to moving her hand between your legs. It’s easy for her to slip inside you and she curls her fingers perfectly.

“You take me so well, my beautiful wife,” Natasha says. You let out a moan and she’s encouraged to keep going. “Such a good girl. Why don’t you come for me?”

She picks up her speed and soon you’re reaching your peak.

“Natasha!” You cry out as you come for her. She drops kisses to your shoulders as she works you down. Her fingers slip out of you and you turn around in her arms.

“Can you sit on the edge?” You ask her.

“I can do anything for my wife,” Natasha says, smirking at you. She moves to sit on the edge of the tub and you settle on your knees in front of her.

“You’re definitely playing into my wife kink.”

“So?”

You chuckle and spread her legs apart. You’ll never get tired of how she looks when she’s all spread out for you.

“God, I love you,” you tell her as you kiss her thighs.

“Me or my thighs?” She asks.

“Both.”

You dive into her and she shivers at the first touch of your tongue against her. Natasha is quickly putting her hands on your head to keep you in place.

“You’re doing so well, pretty girl,” Natasha encourages. You rub against her clit with your free hand and she lets out the most beautiful sounds.

“Come for me,” you say and she does, holding her hands in your hair the entire time.

You lick her clean and pull her back down into the water with you. You sit face to face with your legs crossing over hers.

“I love you,” Natasha says. It’s still rare she volunteers the words first. Even when you know she feels it, it can still be difficult for her to express it.

“I love you, you tell her. “Forever and ever, my lovely wife.”

Natasha kisses both of your cheeks and then your lips. You then rest against her chest as she holds you close.

The rest of the trip is spent with days on the beach and nights having romantic dinners, with your jacuzzi tub events happening all the while.

It’s the perfect beginning of the rest of your lives together.

#natasha romanoff x reader #natasha romanoff #soft natasha romanoff #natasha romanoff fluff #natasha romanoff comfort #natasha romanoff smut

[sitp-recs]

HP Rec Fest, Day 18

Happy Monday with new recs for @hprecfest! Today I’ll go with two Drarry fics since I haven’t read any rare pair story that fits the prompt. I had so much fun revisiting these gems for this post, they both deliver my favourite combo of peak humor, sexy times and sweet romance. If you haven’t checked them out this is your pit stop to catch a break and go treat yourself!

Day 18) a fairy-tale inspired fic:

If the Cock Fits by tryslora (Drarry, E, 6k)

It’s like Cinderella, only Draco’s arse is the shoe left behind, and he’s searching for the perfect prick that fits.

tryslora is one of my favourite authors and I’m so happy that I get the chance to rec her stuff! this fic is so much fun, a mix of horny & sweet (my favorite flavor!); I love how it combines a few classic tropes like amnesia, one night stand and healing cock with the hilarious Cinderella twist which is perfectly executed. Draco’s obstinate to find the perfect cock - bless him - without realizing he’s already found the perfect guy 😌 his dynamics of friendship + oblivious mutual pining with Harry are so charming, and the side Ron/Pansy is a special treat for those who love this rare pair like I do. amazing comfort food with a sweet Harry and one of my favourite confession scenes!

The Sleeping Beauty Curse by who_la_hoop (Drarry, E, 152k)

When Draco Malfoy falls into a cursed sleep and can only be woken – at least, according to the Daily Prophet, that impeccable source of truth – by ‘true love’s kiss’, Harry Potter knows there’s no way on earth he’s the answer to this particular riddle. Is he . . .?

an absolute fandom classic by another brilliant author, this is such a surprising and satisfying ride! you might start off skeptical just reading the summary but believe me when I say who_la can actually pull anything off. their storytelling is phenomenal, vivid and gripping, the pacing is everything you want in a long fic and I just can’t praise the characterization enough. get ready to fall in love with Harry’s pov and to experience an intense emotional rollercoaster because this is both extremely fun and extremely touching. both characters are relatable and entertaining, their dynamics funny, sexy and soo romantic it made me warm and fuzzy with feels. I love that their love blooms in an authentic way (keep in mind this is a bonding fic!), and the chaotic bickering and smoking hot smut had me on the floor at multiple times. an epic must read!

#hprecfest2023 #day 18 #fairy tale inspired fic

[snoozingredpanda]

Day 5: Medical Play [FENIX ; FEM READER]

“Okay, for this physical examination, I’m going to need you to take off your clothes.”

Fenix wasn’t one for roleplay. Her idea of sex was as simple as stimulation to the genitals to induce pleasure. Having been locked up in a hospital for years, she didn’t have access to things like porn, and even before that she never really entertained the idea of kinks.

But when you, the woman who meant absolutely everything to her, suggested ‘spicing things up’, she certainly didn’t expect you to pull out a slutty nurse costume and instantly take her to the bedroom.

You had been slightly nervous about this. She could easily have grown angry at the fact you were suggesting roleplaying the patient/nurse after the hell she went though at the hospital. But thankfully, she didn’t seem to have much of a reaction.

Not until you put the costume on, of course.

Her beady blue eyes burn into you as you approach, smiling so professionally. Stethoscope around your neck, putting a prop medical box on the bedside table. You were acting so professional, despite wearing one of the most slutty pieces of clothing imaginable.

At your command, Fenix stripped, mouth dry and heart racing. You ask her to lay down and she does, shivering when you put on latex gloves.

She’s confused as to why she’s reacting like this. Even when engaging in sexual acts, she never gets this worked up before being touched.

“Y/n—“ She murmurs but you cut her off.

“Doctor,” you correct, smiling softly. She nods gently, unsure of the situation. She couldn’t decide if she liked this or not. Her body seemed to — trembling as you put on your stethoscope and press it to the area above her breasts.

“Your heart is beating quite fast,” you comment, making her mutter something sarcastic. At this, you give her a stern look, before starting to check her skin over for lumps and deformities.

It was all over for her then. Your touch had her squirming, biting her lip as your hands grope and check her over, professionalism dropping quickly.

“D—doctor,” she whimpers, as you’re massaging her small breasts to check their shape. Her hand grips your tiny skirt.

“What’s up, ma’am? Does it hurt?” You coo, leaning down slightly so your own tits were right in her face.

“N—no,” she mumbles, looking away with red cheeks.

“Good,” you smile, before continuing. Your gloved hands run down her torso, squeezing her hips, ass and down her thighs. She tries to stay quiet but you’re just too sexy and too good with your hands, but she manages to keep her mouth shut.

And then you get to her cunt. It’s dripping wet, swollen with arousal. She’s humiliated as you say, “Oh dear. It looks inflamed. I have the perfect remedy for that.”

She watches as you straddle her, your tiny skirt riding up to reveal your even tinier panties, barely covering anything. Thigh highs added to the view, making Fenix gently buck her hips up.

“Aw, pretty girl,” you murmur, sitting down with your clothed pussy pressed to hers. “Let the doctor take care of you.”

Letting out a shaky breath she rested her hands on your thighs, and you started to move. Slowly at first, you rocked yourself, watching her face contort into one of absolute pleasure. Her eyelids flutter closed, lips parting as adorable breathy moans fall off her tongue.

The squelching sound was lewd and in any other situation such a wet sound would freak her out, but she was too focused on your pretty little whines. She watches as your panties would occasional move to the side, revealing your gorgeous glistening cunt, only to be covered again as you rocked back and forth.

She grips your hips, trying to get you to go faster, but you’re content going at a snail’s pace. For what felt like hours Fenix was tortured with this soft buzz of pleasure. It felt so good, but it wasn’t enough to reach her peak.

She gazes up at you, watching as you undo your shirt, letting your tits bounce free. The sight was amazing, and she found herself wishing you to go faster, to let her cum.

But you were having too much fun. Fenix always got to top, so this opportunity was too good to pass up on.

“Please,” she mumbles, too embarrassed to properly beg.

“You can do better than that,” you grin. “Come on. Tell your doctor what you want.”

“Want you to move faster,” she whimpers. “Want you to make me cum.”

Reducing her to such a state had you trembling. You nod and start grinding faster, holding one of her legs for stability. Her head falls back, a deep groan leaving her lips as she finally cums, the magnificent wave of bliss washing over her. Her nails dig into your hips, eyebrows furrowing in ecstasy.

Your orgasm soon followed, your moans making her shiver as if she had just came again. You quickly drop character and collapse on her chest, and she holds you close.

She says nothing, trying to decide whether she liked that or not. Well, trying to convince herself she didn’t, but she very much did so. “Thank you,” she says, rubbing your back gently.

“No problem. I love you, Fefe,” you smile. She hates that nickname but allows it. It’s you, after all.

“Love you too.”

#yandere #oc #x reader #oc x reader #yandere x reader #fem oc #yandere x reader smut #x reader smut #kinktober #fem reader

[veratrance]

do u read levi x reader/oc fics? give me recommendations if u have any :3

I do!! I wish I had time to read more though, because I actually have a massive list of Levi x reader/oc fics I want to read, but I’m just horrible at time management so I’m struggling to find time

BUT, here’s a list of fics I’ve really enjoyed, in no particular order (many of them are 18+):

Death's Door by SongsOfApollo: GORGEOUSLY written, so enthralling and gripping. It’s one of those pieces that manages to make me feel a whole range of emotions on a visceral level. A masterpiece!!

A Soul Beyond Salvation by ananimegirlhasnoname: A Western AU!! This fic is so immersive and truly transports me to a whole other world. Amazing plot that keeps me on my toes, and a perfect balance between suspense, adventure, humour, tension, heartmelting fluff, and angst. I also love the characterizations in this work!

Dust, Diamonds by maokitty: Beautiful and heart gripping. This fic hit me like a truck and made me cry for 3 billion years. It haunted my mind for a while in the best way, and I’m planning to reread it at one point (do check the content warnings though!)

77 Gunshots and To Sing a Song of Steel by CaptainDegenerate: I recommend everything else by this author too, all their works are amazing!! They create a whole range of AU’s and every one of them is uniquely captivating. The two I named are my absolute favorites, I think.

A Drop in the Ocean by QueenOfHades: When I decided I wanted to write a pirate Levi x Reader (which I hope to post in the future lol) I started looking on ao3 for inspiration, and that’s how I stumbled upon this gem. I read this when I was drowning in thesis work and I was at peak misery, so this fic was like a heavenly chorus that rang through my depressing ass life and allowed my brain to muster some serotonin against all odds. I fell so in love, and just thinking about this fic again makes me oddly nostalgic?? The writing is hilarious, and the world that is created is enthralling and immersive. This story will always have a special place in my heart

The (Levi)athan Compound by RaspberryBlissBlitz: The MC is a badass toxicologist who owns (and loves) snakes and other deadly specimens for her research on poisons, do I need to say more? So so well written, and I don’t think I’ve ever been this in love with the main character of a story before

Atropos: Without a Trace by MissValkyrie: Cyberpunk AU! Intriguing and immersive, the whole concept and plot is SUPER interesting, and the worldbuilding is phenomenal. I definitely recommend!

This doesn't usually happen by DesertRose07: This was actually the first Levi x reader I read on ao3, and I remember being SO obsessed. I reread it a few months ago, and I found it just as addictive as the first time I read it. The author's writing style is hella funny and entertaining, which makes it such a fun ride!

Mission Complete by MrsLeeTaemin: Probably the funniest Levi x reader I’ve ever read, this was 10/10 top tier peak entertainment, what a masterpiece

no funny business by wellitcouldbeworse3: Modern AU! A great smutty ride, I remember how I literally couldn’t wait for each update. I had a great time reading this one!

Here are some fics that I began reading during a moment I actually had 0.0 time to read, which forced me to stop at early chapters despite falling in love with these works at first sight. I’m 100% planning on picking those fics up again VERY soon though, and when I catch up, I might make a lil update to fangirl about them:

Hearts like Wildflowers by NalaLala

To You, 2,000 Feet Above by PrettyxVenom99

I Hate You, Levi Ackerman by SolemnlySwear93

#asks #This post is a lot longer than I anticipated #Back to my uncontrolled rambling I see #Most of these fics are in my bookmarks so this might not be anything new idk #Levi fic recommendations #Levi x reader #levi x oc

[sleepsonfutons]

Trope Game

Oooh thanks for the tag @mentallyinvernation!

Gonna go on and do this before it falls out of my squirrel brain lol. I'll go in for most any fic regardless of trope if it sounds interesting and fits the mood I'm in honestly, but I reckon there are some I prefer over others 🤔

Rules: How much do these tropes affect your decision to click on a fic?

-10 -> very dissuaded

0 - don't care either way

+10 -> very enticed

nope -> if it's a hard no and you'd never click on a fic with that tag or or you even have the tag blocked or you'd insta click out of the fic if it wasn't tagged

Bonus points for explaining the rating and whether it's conditional.

Age gap: +2-3

Depends on the fic, but I've gotten sold on it in the Dreamling and Witcher fandoms by nature of the canonical ages of characters. In human au's though, if it ever involves an age gap with a minor that's a straight-up nope for me

Codependency: 0

It's not gonna turn me off from a fic cuz I don't mind a lil bit of that seasoning in my fic but I've got personal history with those dynamics so gotta be in the right mood for it and not gonna go looking for it

Obsession/Possessiveness, jealousy: +50

BRUH in my fic I am pure *grabby hands* for this shit!! They can't get enough of each other? Brilliant. They'll never give up looking/waiting for the other? Ded! You dare look at/come onto their partner?! Perfection!

Opposites (grumpy/sunshine etc): +♾️

something something opposites attract something! Legit, the whole world looking at them like "these two shouldn't go together" but they make each other the absolute happiest?!

Better bring a mop and bucket cuz I'm a fucking puddle on the floor 

Enemies to lovers, Enemies with benefits: +1000

Peak, superb, amazing! No notes

Friends with benefits: +3

Nothing I seek out pointedly, but pair this up with Fake dating/relationship and +100 Delicious!

Sex to feelings: -2

It's fine, I won't NOT read something with this trope but it can take me out of the story a bit cuz it usually reads contrived to me/hits like 'fake news'. Heyo cynicism 😅

BUT if there's legit ANY kind of pre-sex tension between them and it's not just like "cold"/"random"/"no reason" sex to feelings, that's a solid +5. The sex just acts as the cincher to the awakening

Fake dating/relationship: +100

*shoves this trope into my mouth* bruh, like bruhhh! guhhhh some much juicy angst potential I legit can not get enough of!! especially when paired with some other choice tropes? An absolute delight~

Friends to lovers: +5

Depends on the friendship dynamic but usually solid stuff.

Found Family: +10

Finding your people is always a good time

Hurt/Comfort: [phone]

BEAUTIFUL AGONY! Bitter before the sweet! I will never get tired of this shiz

Love Triangle: 0

Not gonna seek it out, not gonna write it off, but to gotta echo @mentallyinvernation on this one:

However, if it's a love triangle that turns poly, I fucking love that shit. Especially if they're all being idiots about it.

Gonna be a solid +10 from me then~

Poly, open relationships: +20

Alright so, amongst others, We Meet Again by round_robin (Witcher) and Beautiful, Strange, and New by @moorishflower (Dreamling) absolutely solidified my undying LOVE of this trope! Just hngggggggg so much love to go around~

Mistaken/hidden identity: +8

Bring on the intrigue!! Def can depend on the setting and context, but usually I'm fully here for this one

Monsterfucking: +♾️

Honestly have yet to come across one of these that I've not been here for

Pregnancy: 0/nope.

SOOOO this one is like playing russian roulette for me on if it hits squick, trigger, or oh yeah...

Give me Improbable Reality (aka can-only-happen-in-fiction, omegaverse, metaphysical/dream) MLM pregnancy as a trope? We're good! Anything remotely close to probable reality? nope nope nope, especially transmasc pregnancy or anything using the w-word that rhymes with "tomb" >.< brains are great >.<

BUT mysterious/magical/accidental baby acquisition can be a hella entertaining trope

Second Chance: +5

I do love me a solid redemption arc

Slowburn: +1000

AHAHAHA MAKE ME SUFFER THE WAIT!!! all that building anticipation and tension? yeah, that's that good stuff

Soulmates: +10

Ooof yes I am a sucker for soulmate au's BUT not all of them are it for me. I'll def be inclined to give a fic a lookie see though if it has this tag~

Hmmmm who to no-pressure tag... @spockandthings @thranduilland @phinofthestorm @beauty-of-nyx @serenailith @lostelfwriting @arialerendeair @landwriter @delta-pavonis @aquabluejay @amielot @teejaystumbles @moorishflower

#fic tropes #tag game #ask sleepsonfutons

[ylojgtr]

star wars movies ranked by how much i like rewatching them:

1. Revenge of the Sith - the culmination of the prequels, where everything comes together so nicely, just such a satisfying story. my favourite characterizations of pretty much everyone who appears in it (except grevous lmao) and the 3d cgi finally came into its own to make a very unique aesthetic imo

2. A New Hope - the original, full of creativity from so many people, just a perfect movie honestly. the special effects are absolutely fantastic and the story is simple but so well told. i feel myself getting swept away by the adventure and mystique in this one more than any other

3. The Empire Strikes Back - personally my favourite star wars movie, it builds on the original in every way i could hope for. some excellent character development for luke and the jumping between storylines is super fun. it has some great silly moments with yoda and lando and also some seriously dramatic set pieces on hoth and bespin

4. Rogue One - what was probably pitched as a nostalgia bait plot hole filler turned out to be one of the best character driven team movies in the last decade (all in my opinion, of course). jyn's faith in life and hope being restored is what makes the conclusion so heartbreaking and krennic is such a hateable villain with stakes directly connected to the protagonist. of course the whole cast is amazing. i remember being surprised at how fast i learned the names of all these previously unknown characters because i just liked them so much. each one is unique in personality, aesthetic, and what they bring to the discussion of the movie's themes. they don't all get a ton of screentime, but for what they're given each has a really well deserved heroic conclusion, however sad they are

5. Attack of the Clones - while its not my favourite in terms of characterization, plot development nor does it have my favourite gags, i still find myself coming back to this one for the vibes. it's 85% cgi, but the giant battle on geonosis and the intrigue of kamino are so fun and i think those awkward special effects kind of add to it. it's just fun, yk? the mystery elements are some of my favourites in the movies, although i think that aspect is better done in the clone wars series

6. The Last Jedi - really difficult spot to pick but i ultimately chose this over phantom menace because honestly i usually just watch the maul fight lmao. this movie is tricky for me since i like a lot of the ideas present, but hate it at the same time for completely derailing the sequels. had jj made all 3, we could have had a mildly entertaining if very repetitive nostalgia trip. with the way it was done, we have one of those movies, one movie that completely swerves the opposite direction and gives a taste of something more, then violently course corrects to the point of everything going off the rails. i think had rian johnson been given control for the whole series, we could have gotten something very special, and so this movie is here because it's fun to live in that world even for just one film. kylo is at his peak here and i love the idea of rey coming from no "important" background, i don't love how rey developed in this movie but had it been followed up on properly it probably would have been better. really i like rose and finns story as well as the end scene, which is more of the movie than phantom menace, so there

7. Solo - i really like this movie, don't get me wrong. the star wars underworld is super cool to see on the "big screen" (so they say) and i think han's portrayal is EXTREMELY well done. his arc fits perfectly into his story, the naïveté at the start and the reluctant hero at the end. he's a pure hearted boy thrown into a situation where heroism is punched in the stomach and kicked in a corner and seeing him navigate it is endlessly captivating. i like the new characters too (especially l3-37 and enfys) and it's so cool to see lando in his prime. all the forced-in explanations about how han got his name, how the millennium falcon ends up looking like that, etc etc is kinda unnecessary but id imagine they needed to do that to get the movie greenlit lmao, but honestly those are the things that drag it down in terms of rewatchability for me. once you see how the falcon lost its escape pod for the first time the novelty wears off, and enough time is spent on it that it becomes a drawback, time taken away from what i really want to see: character interactions, development, and fun, unpredictable action. the end where han kills beckett never gets old though and everytime i watch it i have that same feeling of relief, sadness and shock

8. Return of the Jedi - i love this movie, but in terms of rewatching it for fun on its own, i get a lot of what i like about it from other movies. ive always been a little underwhelmed by this one tbh. the death star again is fine, but it doesn't hold the same existential horror as the first time around. the emperor is perfection, but he's way more over the top in rots which is more entertaining lmao. vaders redemption is awesome and the perfect way to end the trilogy, but it is what we were expecting, isn't it? ewoks are fun and work symbolically i thinkbut they make for less spectacular action than other combatants

9. The Phantom Menace - qui-gon is one of my favourite star wars characters, ever. liam neeson's performance is excellent, and i love watching him throughout the whole thing. however, the story isn't as tight as other movies and while i love the thought and implications of the politics it explores, the senate and trade disputes kinda bring it down if im just watching it for fun. the podrace section is really popular for how fun it is, and i do like it, but car chases and races are often my least favourite type of action and i would sooner choose to watch a different action set piece. the fight at the end is AMAZING but i can watch it on youtube if i want so yeah, it goes here

10. The Clone Wars - it's...not good lmao. everyone knows this. but it is pretty fun. and most importantly, it kickstarted the best star wars media of all time, Star Wars: The Clone Wars. seeing the introduction of ahsoka and rex, and the reintroduction of ventress and cody, while neat to look back on, are improved upon in the series so id sooner just watch that. i have no problem watching it, despite its faults, but definitely not my go-to (i do wish we got to see rotta the hutt again though smh)

11. The Force Awakens - literally just watch a new hope. lmao that's not entirely true but all the characters here i prefer in tlj. there are some great moments, like when you think ben is going to accept help but he cements himself on the dark side or when finn and poe escape the star destroyer. the practical effects are nice, the sets and costumes are cool. but really this movie just makes me sad seeing how much promise these characters had and knowing how they all went to waste. maybe this will change someday and ill be able to take it for what it is, but now is not that time lol

12. The Rise of Skywalker - *sigh* yeah this one is just painful to watch. i honestly can only think of one character moment i like from this movie, which is when c3po calls the cast his friends. and thats like one line. i hate what they did to rey, to ben, to finn, to poe. rey's arc just sizzled out, she's more just going along with whatever comes her way, doing what she's told. she has more agency than that!! i honestly think she should have turned to the dark side. my ideal head canon was that rey and ben essentially switch sides at the end of tlj before both realizing that absolute adherence to either the extreme light or dark would only result in death and destruction as the universe fought to have balance. so they both come together in the middle and try and explore the practicality of living in the neutral area of the force. this would have opened up some really cool discussion about good vs evil (which is what star wars is known as being an excellent example of), it would have created a new, unique era of star wars to set future stories in in the future, and it would have ended the saga in a poetic way (the prequels end in darkness, the originals end in light, the sequels end in the middle). alas, this didn't happen, and this movie just makes me sad. there's nothing wrong with liking it, to be clear, i just like to pretend it doesn't exist

#star wars #really long post

[ambrosiapost]

Planning a Wedding? Explore the Best Event Venues in Victoria

One of the most important days of your life is your wedding, and picking the ideal location creates the ideal atmosphere for an absolutely amazing celebration.. Finding the ideal event venue in Victoria which is a picturesque city in British Columbia is a delightful journey filled with countless possibilities. 

From charming garden settings to elegant ballrooms with panoramic views, Victoria offers an array of stunning venues to suit every couple's style and preferences. Let's embark on a journey to explore the best event venues in Victoria, ensuring that your wedding day is everything you've dreamed of and more.

Exploring Event Venues in Victoria

Victoria is renowned for its scenic beauty, historic landmarks, and diverse cultural offerings, making it an idyllic destination for weddings and special events. As you begin your search for the perfect venue, consider factors such as location, capacity, amenities, and ambiance to narrow down your options and find the venue that best reflects your vision for your big day. 

Locations of event venue in Victoria cater to any couple's taste and style, whether they're dreaming of a modern celebration with a view of the beautiful waterfront or a traditional wedding in a majestic home.

Venues Near Me for Wedding: Your Guide to the Best Wedding Venues in Victoria

Among the multitude of event venues in Victoria, several stand out for their exceptional offerings and enchanting settings, making them ideal choices for weddings. From historic landmarks steeped in romance to modern spaces with chic sophistication, these venues provide the perfect backdrop for exchanging vows and celebrating love.

Things to Take Into Account When Selecting a Wedding Location 

When selecting a wedding venue in Victoria, there are several key factors to keep in mind to ensure a seamless and memorable experience. Consider the size and layout of the venue to accommodate your guest list comfortably. 

Additionally, assess the amenities and services offered, such as catering options, decor packages, and event coordination assistance, to streamline the planning process and bring your vision to life. Don't forget to consider the venue's location and accessibility for you and your guests, as well as any specific requirements or preferences you may have for your wedding day.

Booking Your Dream Venue

Once you've found the perfect wedding venue in Victoria, it's time to secure your booking and start planning the finer details of your special day. Contact the venue's event coordinator to discuss availability, pricing, and any specific requirements or customizations you may have in mind. 

Be sure to book well in advance, especially if you're planning a popular date or during peak wedding season, to ensure that your preferred venue is available and ready to host your celebration.

Creating Your Dream Wedding

With your dream wedding venue secured, it's time to bring your vision to life and create the wedding of your dreams. Work closely with your venue's event coordinator and trusted vendors to plan every aspect of your celebration, from decor and catering to entertainment and photography. 

Whether you're saying "I do" in an intimate garden ceremony or dancing the night away in a grand ballroom, Victoria's event venues provide the perfect setting for making lasting memories with your loved ones.

Conclusion

In Victoria, British Columbia, exploring the best event venues for your wedding is an exciting and rewarding experience. With a diverse array of venues to choose from, each offering its unique charm and amenities, finding the perfect setting is easier than ever. 

By considering factors such as location, capacity, amenities, and ambience, you can narrow down your options and find the one out of all the options that you will get for “venues near me for wedding” that sums up your love tale in wonderful detail. 

So, whether you're planning an intimate ceremony or a lavish celebration, let Victoria's enchanting event venues set the stage for your unforgettable wedding day.

#event center in victoria bc #venues near me for wedding

[oakdll]

my favorite straw hats ranked :3

01 robin - she is genuinely just so unbelievably well written, her concept as a character is insane, but my favorite trait of hers is how she thinks so similarly to luffy. this place is also interchangeable w luffy

02 luffy - i normally don’t like main characters this much, but luffy is just so likable, i love his backstory so much, and having him be the emotional core of the paramount war saga + him losing ace is a stroke of genius. one of the best written characters literally ever

03 zoro - he’s cool as fuck and his tits are the biggest on the whole crew

04 nami - her character arc in east blue is so perfect, and seeing her be so happy in the straw hats is just amazing. her character interactions with the rest of the straw hats are so entertaining, her faith in luffy (like w her fight against ulti) is undying, and the fact she is so frightened yet so brave is super cool. she normally gets very afraid by the situations luffys antics get them into, but when things get serious, she knows she can’t stop luffy and suddenly gets very brave. i love her

05 usopp - i hope after elbaf this ranking will be a bit higher, but having such a human character in contrast to literal gods like luffy is so cool. his bravery and character moments are peak, water 7 in particular might have the single most emotional and realistic moment in one piece with his argument and fight with luffy. i just wish he had more character moments post time skip. the only time he really had a standout moment was dressrosa and i hope elbaf can give him some needed character development

06 sanji - he would be so much higher, maybe top 3, but the whole “pervert” gimmick sucks and i hate it. not only is his backstory amazing in east blue, but he is SO CLUTCH ALWAYS. he is constantly making super important decisions behind the scenes and saving everyone constantly. mr prince in alabasta, sea train in water 7, not to mention his importance being the cook of the straw hats. his backstory was already good enough, but then he got a SECOND ONE in whole cake, one of the best arcs in the whole series. one of my favorite moments of his is when he was kidnapped by black maria in wano and asked robin for help, his sheer faith in robin makes me so happy. his emotional moments are incredible, his fight scenes are amazing, the only issue is how annoying the “perverted” gimmick is.

07 franky - SUPER!!! he’s just so fun, his personality and dynamic with the whole crew is amazing. him being a cyborg and everybody being so enamored with his silly mechanics is an incredible bit. him being able to press on his nose to change hairstyles, and his massive hands post time skip having smaller hands inside of them is hilarious. the moment with robin and the big robot transformation on thriller bark where she rejects their transformation is one of the best jokes in the whole series. he doesn’t have too many emotional moments besides his backstory and his fight with senor pink (incredible fight btw) but he’s one of my favorites because of just how fun he is

08 jinbei - jinbei is kind of tied with franky, i love him but he has only really been a straw hat for like 1-2 arcs. him being so nice and noble is amazing, his relationship with nami and feeling guilty for arlongs actions, and his backstory with fisher tiger is absolutely phenomenal, i just wish there was more of him. he hasn’t had too many defining character moments as an actual straw hat besides showing no fear in front of big mom (but even then he wasn’t really a straw hat at the time). i love him as a character i love him though

09 brook - brook is also just a super fun character, his skeleton puns never get old, and his moments on whole cake and wano were COLD (literally). calling big mom “young lady” is a moment for history books and him actually getting the road poneglyph is amazing. his backstory is tragic, maybe the saddest on the whole crew, and him being a musician makes me very happy (as a musician). he is a great character but he also has the “pervert” gimmick which kinda sucks. it’s definitely less bad than sanji though, it doesn’t really interfere with his character much, he just blushes and asks to see women’s panties (asking to see big moms panties is insane btw) and it’s definitely a big character flaw, but it’s not as irritating as with sanji.

10 chopper - chopper is the only straw hat i’m kinda disappointed by. he’s a great character, but as a straw hat he barely has any defining moments. his personality is kinda basic, and the last really impactful moment for me was monster point on enies lobby. the interesting thing about monster point is that he can’t control it, and then he only uses it like one more time for a tiny bit on sabaody before he gains control of it over the time skip. other than that, he’s just kind of a nice person with a really sad backstory. this feels a bit too harsh on him, i do really like him as a character, but for being one of the main characters, he is a little lackluster.

#one piece

[pulsdmedia]

The Week Ahead 9/24-9/30

We have an absolute stunner for you this week! Dinner with endless jokes, the incredible Manolo Blahnik Sample Sale, Beyonce vs Taylor, and so much more!

$29 Dinner, Cocktails, & Comedy

Ultra-cool energy, social New Yorkers, drool-worthy eats, sensational cocktails, and now top-notch comedians, all under one roof for an unforgettable night? And all this for $29?? It can only be our monthly night out at Slate in Flatiron!

The Manolo Blahnik Sample Sale

We're right in peak sample sale season, which means one thing - The Manolo Blahnik Sample Sale returns to New York City! Enjoy up to 75% off shoes and boots from women's and men's collections! As the master shoemaker himself has said, "You put on high heels and you change." You just might change your life with this sole-searching...

$29 Tickets To Beyonce vs Taylor Open Bar Party

Grab your "Single Ladies" or your "Mr. Perfectly Fine" and set off on a night filled with dancing and drinking at the can't-miss extravaganza that is the Beyonce vs Taylor Silent Disco at Oliver's. Just $29 gets you in, access to a 2 Hour Open Bar, and amazing DJs. Party all night long!

Espresso Martini Tasting

Calling all espresso martini enthusiasts! Union Square Wines is thrilled to present NightOwl's ready-to-drink Espresso Martinis for an exclusive in-store tasting event. It's your chance to experience the perfect blend of caffeine and cocktail. Sip, savor, and savor again with NightOwl!

The New York Burlesque Festival

We head back to Sony Hall this weekend for The 21st Annual Burlesque Festival. Don't miss this tantalizing night of entertainment that celebrates the art of tease and temptation. Tickets are priced at just $29 so grab a ticket, grab a drink, and let's see where the night takes you...

Radiant Mini Facials With Credo Beauty Founder

Join Credo Beauty for a mini facial event alongside a meet & greet with founder Indie Lee! You can book a customized facial with a member of Indie's team or a consult with Indie. Plus, your reservation fee can be used toward the purchase of a product that day, so treat yourself!

[team-frightfur]

so. thoughts on sawatari.

Thanks for the ask!

General opinion/How much I care about them:

I adore this cringefail bastard. I've never seen such a perfect blend of abject failure and soul-shattering charisma. By all means, being as stupid and charismatic as Sawatari should be impossible. It should be an oxymoron. He's embarrassing himself all the time! And yet his embarrassments only contribute to him being the most charismatic little bastard in sight. He steals every scene he's in. All his duels are filler, but none of them feel like filler because he's amazing. Peak.

Also he's a genuinely good duellist and I respect that. Nearly beat Zarc. Pour one out.

A ship I love:

Same as Dennis, I'm not super into or against any given ship.

Like Dennis, he can probably fluffily vibe with Yuya over entertainment duelling. Unlike Dennis though their ship doesn't break the game.

Aside from that, I can vibe with SawatarixSerena based on comic vibes and their weird tendency to get paired in canon? What was his section of Speaking?

It'd be like Serena: my boss left me this incredibly stupid dog and I hate him. He has no good points -> Serena: my boss left me this incredibly stupid dog and I love him for his good points.

Finally, Jobbershipping wins prize for most brutally hilarious shipname. Also, he and Gongenzaka do have a suspicious number of similarities. For example, both have the best Arc V duel links themes (FIGHT ME), both have above-average sanity points in Dramaturgy, and both got absolutely robbed by the narrative. I ship them only in the context of making a 'Victims against Arc V's narrative support group."

But in all seriousness the contrast could also be pretty funny. You have this stupid little dog who's surprisingly sharp and this inflexible, super serious man who somehow has the patience to survive him.

A non-romantic relationship that I love:

Same deal as Dennis, I don't consider romance to be the meat of a relationship. Anything that makes a romance touching should be present in a good friendship.

The NOTP:

Same deal.

My biggest headcanon about them:

He's genuinely book-smart. Best grades in the cast. Always does his homework on time and is renowned for snappy presentations. Also, he leaves LDS for You Show post-canon.

An idea for a fanfiction I would like to write/read about them: (if I have none in my WIPs I'll make one up on the spot!)

A fic where Sawatari systematically rematches everyone he's lost against, concocting harebrained schemes to force them all to duel him. Eventually, this culminates in him asking if Yuya can't Zarc out just for a little bit?

Yuya: no.

Something that makes me think of them: (a song, a character in another fandom, an animal, anything)

Nothing comes to mind rn rip. Im sorry Sawatari. I've failed you. 😞

[skewbforty]

My top 10 favourite YTPs

!! CW !!

A lot of the videos mentioned here contain jokes that have not aged well. I did try to mention videos with as few of those kinda jokes as humanly possible, but if you know anything about YTP you'll know that often this kind of humour is often impossible to avoid. Viewer discretion is advised.

YTP. It's the underground video remix genre that's not really underground. Most know about it, but we choose not to talk about it to most because of its level of absurdity. But I'm not afraid to show my edgy side as you damn well know, so that's why I present to you not a top 10, not a top 5, not a top 25, but a top 10 list of my favourite YTPs.

10. The Ivybot causes economic depression, by McMaNGOS Like many things, YTP is an artform, and I feel like this video nails the idea behind YTP as an art form. From the nonsensical sentence mixing to the clever stutters, this video was also my first favourite YTP.

9. Meet the Artillery, by mrsimon Guy knows how to squeeze the most humour out using only the absolute most basic YTP-ing techniques. It's quite remarkable really how a video that's mostly stutters manages to entertain that much.

8. Don't hug me I'm pizzer, by VoxelizedEgg 5 seconds in and you know you're ready for a ride. And what a rise it is. Much like the previous YTP, this relies on very simple ideas. And this time it's loudness. But the way everything is set up makes it funny every time. Truly comedic timing done right.

7. Pooping the Chartsmas: HappaH HolidildoH!, by cs188 Quite a bit more sophisticated than what we've seen so far, and therefore probably more appealing to the masses. You won't see many volume jokes here but that doesn't mean it doesn't have a whole lot more going for it... Including a joke I feel so guilty for laughing at. You know the one.

6. Michael becomes increasingly explicit, by cs188 It's a classic. It came at a very dark time in my life and actually was one of the things that helped me through it. While most laughed at babyshitter or Michael Rosen kills the health inspector (which may have made this list if not for that one joke that just went way too far), some of us were truly served by cs188's video.

5. The Fesh Pince of Blair, by KroboProductions Okay likelihood is most of you were waiting for this one. It summarized 2011 YTP pretty well. From recurring themes to the most obvious jokes coming at the least expected moment... The 20 minutes may seem daunting, but give it a few minutes just to try it. You'll find you've sat through the whole thing it's that entertaining.

4. SUPER DUPER SUPER MEN, by Imaperson If you can forgive the very badly aged joke about a third of the way in, this YTP is absolute gold. A fast paced lightning round of jokes that fills up 9 whole minutes of amazing abomination. Chances are there's a joke here you'll like. It's packed to the brim with details and different sources too. It's insanity. Just what you want for a genre like this.

3. Vsauce eats 100 people, by supercococaleb Going more obscure now, this YTP was definitely the peak of the channel. And I think they acknowledge that. It's just so absurd and has many jokes where you see the punchline coming just as it comes, which adds to the hilarity of it. Absolutely amazing YTP, but perhaps not in everyone's taste.

2. Harry potter and the order of the Deathstar, by TheRumChum Okay wait, I take it back. THIS one isn't for everyone. It's just so incredibly bizarre but the humour was nailed perfectly. Never have I laughed so hard at something that abstract. It's got so many jokes that shouldn't work and yet do. Truly the champion of YTPs, it would actually be first place if only it was slightly more accessible.

And the #1 is... Butts, Jizz and Marmalade, by Dylancliff111, Ron Mad & RobGBA Because you know what? It's the perfect YTP. It sums up the genre perfectly, you have the turning innocent sentences obscene. You have the crazy effects, you have the loud noises, and you certainly have its stupid humour. This is without a doubt the peak of YTP. I could ramble on about this video for a long time. Almost every joke smacks you in the face with its humour. The sentence mixing is on point. The ideology is fantastic. It's just the ultimate craftsmanship of absurd video remixes, and I can't think of a better example of the past and most likely future of this insane genre than through this fantastic video. bai

[nowitswetme]

Lap Dances in front of Dean

Word Count: ~700

Warnings: lap dances, some objectification, brief mentions of bondage and rough sex, kissing, fingering, and lots of Dean’s dirty talk. Haha.

A/n: part of the Dean Winchester NSFW Alphabet

Dean loves any opportunity to stare at your gorgeous body, drop constant praises from his lips, and take you in for a while. So, yeah. Lap dances are definitely his thing.

Fuck yes, they are. Have you seen what you look like in lingerie and sky-high heels, Sweetness? So damn delicious. Having you put on a sexy show for him as he gets to rake his eyes all over your amazing body is his favorite form of entertainment. He tries to be good and let you do your thing, but he usually has to touch you before halfway through the first song. He just can’t help it. You’re just so fucking beautiful and soft. And sexy. And you’re right there in front of me for the taking. No way I’m gonna be able to keep my hands off you for very long, y/n. You know me better than that.

One time you made the mistake of tying him up, arms behind the chair and rope looped around the wooden slats at his back. You’d never seen him so incredibly needy and ferally dominant at the same time. Threats and pleas and everything in between tumbling from his lips as you swayed and ran your hands all over yourself. In retrospect, you probably should have used a metal chair – he broke the wooden one in a couple different places before he could get to you. Yep. And I’m not a bit sorry. Kinda your fault anyway, Sweetness. Shouldn’t try to keep me from what’s mine. He fucked you so hard that night that you felt sore for days. Actual, multiple days. Ooo yeah. On second thought, maybe you should do that again. Gave me a real good excuse to put you in your place. Just the way you like. Don’t ya, y/n? Almost every single time, your dances end with you straddled over his lap, coming apart on his fingers to his filthy words, dripping all over him and begging him for more. Which is kinda right where he likes you. Damn right. Soaking-and-begging is one of your best colors, y/n. Love having you fall apart over me so hard that your legs give out. Fuck. You’d probably have an easier time not giving in to him if it weren’t for how absolutely irresistible he gets when he’s so incredibly turned on. It’s hard to keep your composure when Dean Winchester has his lust-soaked emerald eyes trained on you and he’s using his talented tongue to weave words of seduction. You’re so good to me, Sweetness. Such a good girl, puttin’ on a fancy show just for me. Fuck, I want you so bad. C’mere. Nuh uh. Leave the hooker heels on – they’re hot as hell. Gonna make you feel fuckin’ amazing, y/n. There ya go. Spread your legs and hold on good and tight. You’re about to get reeaaal weak in the knees. And then he’s pulling you down into a kiss that sends sweet heat blazing across every inch of your body and makes your clit so achy you’re clenching around nothing. Groping you with skillful hands and growling into your neck before he shoves your panties to the side and goes straight to curling his fingers with perfect precision against the spot that makes you see stars. Pulling a powerful orgasm from your pussy with a look on his face like he’s somehow enjoying it even more than you are. I dunno, Sweetness. That’d be pretty hard to do. We both know how good I am at pullin’ you apart over my thighs. Mmmm, I do enjoy the hell out of it though. Can’t deny that. He's sure to spend all night ravishing you when you start it out by putting on a show for him. When you’ve collapsed from your initial pleasure, he stands you both up from his chair and carries you to his bed where he works on you for what feels like hours, doling out peak after peak until you’re drowning in bliss and his cock’s too hard to wait any longer. And then I lose myself buried in your perfect pussy until we’re both too tired to move. Fuck. Guess I know what we’re doin’ tonight. Go get your stuff on, yeah?

#dean winchester abcs #dean x reader #dean winchester x reader #dean winchester smut #supernatural smut #nsfwabcs #supernatural #winniewrites

[triplexdoublex]

Pornstar

Pairings: Colson x Reader

Warnings/Tags: rough sex, anal sex, face fucking, gagging, spit, spitting in mouth, slight bondange, golden showers, pissing in mouth, slapping across face, being filmed.

A/N: Shout out to Shawnie ( @heytheregreeneyes) for always letting me use her as my OC and being my best friend. Also Colson isn’t MGK in this, just a pornstar so his personality isn’t as cocky as he usually is. I know I’ve mentioned it before but the sex in this is loosely based off my fave porn star Small Hands AKA Aaron Thompson. Hope this was worth the wait. Lemme know what you think! “Open it, open it!” Your roommate and best friend Shawnie stood before you with a gift bag in hand, shaking it excitedly.

“My birthday’s not even until this weekend,” You laughed taking the bag from her. “You sure you don’t want me to wait? It’s only a few more days.”

“ No please, I’ve kept this a secret for long enough, it’s killing me! Just open it!” She exclaimed. “Plus your gonna need time to prepare.”

“Prepare?” 

“C’mom, just open it, open it, open it!!!” She was far too excited. You wondered what it could be that she was so eager to give you. But what you pulled out of the bag just left you with even more questions. 

“Thanks???” You said confused, holding up a sexy red lace bra and matching g- string that tied at hips. 

“That’s only part of it,” she assured you. “What’s your biggest wish?” She tried to clue you in.

“Ummm paying off all my student debt?” You answered still puzzled. “Did you get me a job as a stripper?” You laughed.

“Okay, maybe ‘wish’ was the wrong word to use … hmmm—oh biggest fantasy!” She corrected herself. 

“Oh to fuck my favorite porn star Huge Hands, AKA Colson Baker. You know that — wait … no, no way!”  You exclaimed as your friend started frantically nodding her head yes. “Shut up!!! What? You’re kidding. Like how?”

“Look in the bag . There’s more!” 

You reached into the bag and pulled out a pass of some kind and read it aloud. “Huge Hands/Colson Baker : Exclusive Access, Porn Star for a Day pass” 

“They were super limited, I have no clue how I managed to snag one, but I’m so happy I did! The look on your face right now is priceless!” Shawnie laughed. “It’s probably because you’re the only one I know who’s  crazy enough to actually go through with this.”

“I-I don’t even know what to say. I have no words… thank you.” You expressed your gratitude, still in shock. “I’m really about to have the best sex of my life this weekend! On my birthday yet! Have you seen his fucking cock, it’s huuuge!”

“Yes, many times,” Shawnie chuckled , entertained by how pumped you are. “Or did you forget about all the links of his umm ‘work’ you’ve sent me?” Shawnie wasn’t big on porn herself but she was always willing to take an interest in your latest obsessions, no matter what they were. That’s what you loved most about her. “Turn it over, it tells you more about what’s included on the back.”

You did as she suggested, turning the pass over to read more. “Half hour zoom call day before to privately discuss details, and needs/wants of scene; hair and make up; up to one hour of shooting time; and keepsake autographed DVD recording,” you listed off. “You know I’m gonna watch that everyday for the rest of my life, right?” 

“I’m assuming you’re gonna make me watch it at least once too, knowing you,” Shawnie laughed. 

“Yeah probably,” you laughed as well. “ I got no shame!”

*************

You’re stomach was in knots as you waited for the zoom call to begin; you’d never felt so excited and  nervous at the same time. Shawnie was there with you sitting just out of frame, when the ‘bloop’ of the call came through your computer's speakers. 

“Hi, Y/N?” Colson questioned.

“Yeah, hi. That’s me!” You did a timid little wave.

“Ok good, just wanted to make sure I got the right person before we get started here. Imagine that … Awkward!,” he laughed, and you instantly began to relax; you could tell he was going to be easy to talk to. “Well, obviously you know what I do , but I’d love to hear a little about you. Says here on your forms you’re a college student?”

“Wait, what forms?” You asked.

“The ones you filled out online with your info and kinks and things you wanted to include in our video when you purchased the Pornstar for a day package,” he answers slightly confused. 

“Ohhh, my friend bought me this for my birthday, she must have filled them out.” You responded. “She’s right here. Say hi Shawnie!”

“Hi!” She giggled leaning into frame. 

“Hello. Wow this must be some “friendship” he joked making air quotes. “Because this is a very detailed list. You gotta hear this.” He smirks. “Written in the section about what you hope to include in our scene says— and  I quote: I want Huge Hands/ Colson to absolutely destroy me. I want him to fuck my throat, my pussy and my ass. I want him to slap me around, and spit and piss in my mouth, and anything else he wants to do to me, I’m all for it.”  He choked out a laugh pulling dramatically at the collar of his shirt “Whew, I’m the pornstar here and that’s even got me blushing!”

“Oh my God, Shawnie!” You covered your beet red face.

“What!?, did I lie?” She laughed.

“I mean no, but still. Damn, to hear it out loud like that.” Your eyes bulged. 

“So it’s true then?” Colson asked slyly.

“Yeah, that pretty much sums it up,” you hid your smile behind your hand, shaking your head in embarrassed disbelief.

“Aye,  no need to be embarrassed, we’re gonna have fun tomorrow, I can tell,” he smiled. “I’m especially excited that your interested in Anal. It’s kinda my favorite. I’m assuming you’ve done it before?” 

“Yeah,” you answered simply.

“Do you enjoy it?” He asked.

“Tell him what your ex said!”  Shawnie blurted out. 

“Oh, boy. I gotta hear this,” he chuckled. “What’d the ex say?”

You inhaled deeply before speaking, “I do enjoy it, probably more than regular sex, if I’m being honest,” you admitted. There was no use trying to be coy now. “Uhhh he actually said I could be a pornstar since I can take a hard anal pounding so well.” 

“Nice!” He exclaimed. “Girl, after my own heart.”

“Jesus Christ, this conversation has me sweating already,” you chuckled standing up to pull your cardigan off. 

“Is that a little tattoo I saw there, peaking out of the top of your jeans?” He asked. 

“Yeah, you wanna see?” You unzipped your jeans without waiting for a response and lowered the top of your underwear just enough to show him. 

“ The Playboy bunny, huh? How fitting,” he teased.

“What can I say, it was my first tattoo,” you giggled “Seemed like that’s what everyone was getting at the time.”

“What else you got going on down there?” He lifted his head as if trying to see more. “Is that a landing strip?” He asked referring to the thin dark stripe of short curls just  barely visible above the band of your lowered underwear. “Can I see?” 

“Yeah, sure,” you lowered them further exposing yourself, your inhibition long gone at that point. “This is just how I normally like to groom. I can shave it completely if you prefer?” 

“Nah, it’s perfect,” he smiled. “Well, I think I have a pretty good idea now of what you like and what we’ll be getting ourselves into tomorrow. Do you have any questions or anything else you want me to know, before we end the call?” 

“I don’t think so,” you said. “Shawnie pretty much laid it all out on those forms,” you laughed. 

“That she did!” He produced a chuckle as well. “I meant to ask earlier, but, since she knows so much about your kinks and what not, have you two ever —“

“ No, just best friends, I tend to overshare, I guess.” 

“Yeah it amazes me sometimes, the things women  share with their friends, but yet guys are always the ones who are known to kiss and tell and brag about their conquests. Females can be just as bad, y’all just keep it on the low a little better,” he stated. “Well, I look forward to working with you tomorrow. Take care, and I’ll see you soon.”

“Can’t wait!” You responded. “Bye.”

“Bye,”

You felt oddly comforted and at ease after the call, no longer a ball of nerves or embarrassment. He made you feel like there was no shame in enjoying the things you did. He was very professional despite the nature of the call; it didn’t feel sleezy or overly salacious; just two consenting adults having a mature conversation about their sexual desires. 

*************************

When you walked out of hair and make-up and onto set, you saw Colson waiting for you on a red leather couch. He was clad in only black dress pants; shirtless — his tattoos on full display. He smiled seductively when he saw you, beckoning you over with a pat to his thighs. You undid your silk robe they had given you and let it slip from your shoulders to the floor, revealing the red lacy set Shawnie had bought you, as you made your way over to him. You suddenly became very aware of all the cameras and other people in the room, as you sat on his lap. Somehow it has slipped your mind that they were all a part of what went into this.

“You get used to it,” he said softly , remembering the way he felt his first time in front of the cameras. “Just pretend they’re not even there— only me and you, okay?” He said brushing a finger along your thigh. “Unless, Shawnie forgot to mention you’re an exhibitionist too, then by all means enjoy them watching us fuck,” he joked, making you laugh. “Don’t forget, if you need me to stop at anytime for any reason, just give me three quick taps,” he demonstrated, tapping your thigh. “Don’t worry about the filming, they can always edit and piece things back together if needed. This is all for you and I want you to enjoy yourself. Oh and happy birthday by the way! It’s today right?”

“Yeah,” you smiled. “Thank you.”

“Ok, so we’ll just start the scene with some kissing and light touches, and when I feel you’re ready I’ll signal the camera man, he’ll call action, and then we'll be recording.”

“Sounds good,” you nodded your head. He had made you feel so comfortable and relaxed the last bit of nervousness you chalked up to just being slightly star struck; You never thought in a million years you’d get this opportunity.

“Ready?,” he pressed his forehead to yours, staring directly into your eyes, the corners of his mouth turned up into the most alluring devilish grin. 

“Ready,” you echoed back, biting your lip trying to suppress a needy whine. God you were always such a sucker for his killer eye contact in his films, and now you were the one his eyes were soul fucking. You’re heart pounded with excited anticipation as Colson’s face drew nearer to your own. He lightly held your chin as he pressed his lips to yours, parting them to introduce his tongue. It was a welcome greeting, cut short by the breathy “oh fuck ” that involuntarily slipped from your lips.

“”You good?” He laughed softly, a small puff of air the only thing separating your mouths; your foreheads still touching. 

“More...than good,” you spoke in a short choppy sentence trying to compose yourself. 

“That’s what I like to hear,” he smirked against your lips, continuing to kiss you. 

You melted into his kisses— slow and gentle at first,  increasing in intensity as he carried on. When he nipped at your bottom lip with a low groan, you lost all innocence, shifting positions to straddle his lap. You gripped the back of his head, as he kissed you and rolled your hips against him, demanding more. And that’s when he knew … that you were ready.  He quickly signaled to the cameraman with a thumbs up, and “Action” was called. 

His hand slipped down from your chin, settling on the highest part of your neck just under your jaw, his fingers squeezing at your pulse points on either side. Roughly he turned your head to the side with a push of his thumb and his mouth began mauling your neck with an appetite for lust, leaving blooming raspberry patches along the descending path of flesh that lead to your breasts. With one hand he expertly undid the front clasp of your red lace bra and took in the sight of you.

 “Perfect,” he whispered into your flesh with a growl, taking one breast  in each hand as he licked between them, keeping his eyes locked on yours. You slid the silky straps of your lingerie over your shoulders, letting it fall, as he took turns going back and forth between each breast treating each of your nipples to light suction and a pleasurable nibble. You let out a moan at his actions and again rolled your hips in his lap, pressing yourself against the hardening bulge inside his dress pants. “Needy are we?” He teased swiftly  spinning you around so your back was to his chest. He dug his chin into your shoulder peering over it as he snatched up the crotch of your panties roughly, tugging the material up between your lips . You canted your hips up chasing after the friction of the coarse fabric against your clit. “You like that, huh?” He pulled them harsher. 

“Mmmm, yes” you squeaked out, nodding your head.

“Yeah, I bet you do,” he growled nipping at your neck. “Look at this pretty pussy,” he shoved the material to the side exposing you, letting his fingers explore your folds as he pleased. “You want my cock right in here huh?” His voice was so gravelly and low as he slipped a finger inside you, only to quickly pull it back out, teasing you. “Taste yourself,” he brought the finger to your mouth. You wrapped your lips around it, as he slid it further into your mouth, his long fingers slipping down the back of your throat. “Oh, god, yes!” He exclaimed impressed by how you didn’t even gag. “Tell ya what—“ he paused to add a second finger to your mouth, continuing to talk as you sucked “If you can suck my dick as good as that—“   he then pulled them back out of your mouth. “I might just have to fuck you right in here too,” he shoved his spit slicked fingers into your ass.

“Yes, fuck, please!” You whined, wiggling your hips, wanting his fingers deeper.  

“You like that? Huh. You dirty little anal whore!” He grabbed your neck with his free hand, keeping you pinned back against him, the fingers of his other hand still moving inside you.

“Yes, yes! I am,” you strained to speak. “Please, please fuck my ass!” You whined impatiently with pleasure. You never heard yourself sound so needy and desperate in your life.

“You sound you pretty when you beg, but you're gonna have to earn it first,” he demanded pulling out his fingers,  leaving you feeling empty. Quickly, you dropped to your knees in front of the couch as Colson got up standing before you. You waited impatiently while Colson unbuckled his belt above you. Once undone he yanked the belt free from the loops with a satisfying ‘whoosh’ that made you pulse between your thighs. You desperately clawed his pants and boxers  down his legs like a feral cat in heat as Colson brought the tip to your mouth, still holding onto his belt in the other. “Open!,” he demanded. “Goooood,” he growled in praise as you did what you were told. You reached up to grab it but ,“no hands!” he smacked them away, and then secured them behind your back with his belt. “Let’s try this again, open!” He spoke harshly. You obliged, opening wide. “Tongue” he barked.  You let it hang from your mouth with anticipation; eager breaths rolling down it like a panting dog eyeing a steak. He teased you, slapping his cock against your tongue before shoving it fully into your mouth. Your eyes prickled with tears as you fought your gag reflex, taking him down your throat. He held your head in place with one hand , the tip of your nose pressed flush against the coarse hair of his pelvis, as he hunched his body forward over yours untying the sides of your G-string. It slipped from your body leaving you completely nude. Colson smacked your ass, then gripped it harshly, making it jiggle for him before finally standing straight up and pulling his hips back to let you come up for air. 

“Huuuuuuhhhh,” you inhaled sharply gasping for breath, letting oxygen penetrate deep into your lungs before Colson stuffed your mouth again. Mascara ran down your hollowed out cheeks as you sucked. You started pulling back out of instinct when you began to gag but Colson held you in place. 

“No, keep it in your mouth,” he instructed condescendingly, looking down at you. “Just a little longer” he promised. You tried your best, Colson letting out a throaty moan every time your raw, used throat constricted around him as he fucked into it. “Mmmgghh,” he groaned, pulling out of your mouth “Goooood girl,” he praised with a smirk, before bending down to give you a sloppy kiss, swapping mouthfuls of saliva. Just as he pulled away he let a long string of collected spit slip from his pursed lips and into your open mouth, where you eagerly accepted it, moaning as you swallowed it down. 

 You let out a breathy “awhhh” as you opened your mouth again, wiggling your tongue enticingly. 

“Such a dirty, fucking whore,” he bent down again and spat directly in your face. He smeared it all over your face with his hand before grabbing you by the neck, pulling you to your feet. “Turn around,” he ordered. You did as he said and Colson undid his belt from around your wrists. Before you even had a chance to soothe your sore wrists with a rub, Colson spun you around and pushed you down onto your back on the couch, your ass teetering on the edge of the red leather cushion. “Spread yourself for me,” he instructed, as he pumped himself. Again you did as you were told; you pulled your legs up, wrapping an arm around each thigh, holding them back as you parted your opening with your fingers.  “God, you’re so fucking wet.” He teased the head of his cock through the glistening mess on display for him. 

“Fuck me,” you said in an inpatient huff, staring into his eyes. 

“Awhhh, yessss,” he groaned out, slack jawed as he sank into you

“Ohhh, shit,” you screamed out , face twisted in pleasure, your eyes slipping shut, at the feeling of him burying himself deep in your cunt.

“Open your eyes. Look at me!” He spoke harshly, cupping your face in his hands as he thrust. You opened your eyes, trying to focus on his, but your vision was  spotted by the intensity of it all. “Feel good?” He pressed his forehead to yours just as he’d done earlier , starring directly into the windows to your soul as he fucked you. You nodded the best you could, but that wasn’t good enough for him. “Words, I want words. Say yes!”

“Yes.. yes,” you responded breathily, biting at your lip.

“Yeah, Mmmghhh, that’s it. Fuck, I like it when you use your words”  he moaned , shifting himself to be more upright. He then spit on the tips of his fingers and brought them to your clit and began rubbing it furiously, his cock still destroying you.

“OH Fuck!” You cried out, wiggling and bucking your hips. 

“You gonna fucking stay still? He roughly grabbed your face, squeezing your cheeks. You nodded your head, trying your best to calm your body’s erratic, pleasure driven movements as he thrust. “Words!” He spat, his hand letting go of your face only to connect it to your cheek again with a quick, yet harsh slap.

“Shit! ...Yes!” You corrected yourself once again, Your body was  loving how aggressive he was getting the longer he fucked you and he could tell;  spitting at and striking your face again.

“Turn over!”  He ordered, abruptly pulling out. “Hands on the back of the couch.” He roughly assisted you in turning around , and you placed your hands where instructed. You arched your back and pushed your ass out waiting for him to re enter you from the new position. “This is where you really want it, huh?” He teased his cock over your asshole. 

“Yes!,” you remembered to use your words this time.

“You’re a dirty little fucking anal whore, aren’t you? He asked, he question sounding a lot more like a statement. “Let me hear you said it.” He applied pressure to your hole with the tip, as he yanked back a fist full of your hair.

“I’m a dirty little fucking anal whore!,” you repeated desperately pushing back against him.

“Mmmghh!, That you are!” He confirmed with a groan, snapping hips hips forward, quickly entering you. 

“Uhhhhh, Oh my God!” You exclaimed at the feeling. You never fully understood why you enjoyed anal as much as you did, perhaps it was the pleasurable fullness, the taboo aspect, the fact that you were one of the few woman who were into it, or the way so many men were obsessed with it , and the look on their face when they found out you were more than willing to take it up the ass, but you absolutely loved it, and this time was no different. Every jack hammered thrust brought you closer and closer to the edge, especially when Colson reached around to between your legs adding the friction of his fingers to your clit. The sensation of your ass being stuffed combined with his  touch was the perfect recipe for orgasm and you felt it building every time his cock slid in and out. 

“Yeah, cum for me,” he could feel you tightening around him. His words perfectly in sync with the  jolt of pleasure boiling over in your abdomen and ripping through you with vast intensity. A series of explitives and sounds you’ve never heard yourself make, flew from you lips as your body went boneless under Colson. He quickly pulled out, turned you back over and came across your face with a few pumps of his hand. He collapsed to the side of you briefly, before tugging you off the couch and onto your knees. “I’m not done with you just yet,” he spoke out of breath taking his softening dick in his hand. Your eyes lit up, you knew what he was referring too— the only thing on your list of wants he hadn’t included yet. “Say ahhh!”

“Ahhh,” you echoed the request, letting his golden stream fill your mouth, splash off your tongue and dribble down your chin and body. You giggled, piss spilling from your smile as you looked up at him, all your fantasies now fulfilled. 

“Annnd cut!” Called the director. A few stage hands scrambled to bring you both a towel and small refreshments. “Almost done, just gonna get you guys a little cleaned up, rehydrated, let you catch your breath a bit, and then film the little quick, post scene interview. 

“Ok,” you both answered.

Colson tossed his towel over his shoulders and reached out his hand to you “You, good?” He asked with a faint laugh , watching your hand shake as you drank your water.

“Yeah,” you answered letting him pull you up onto the couch. 

“You were amazing,” he said, rubbing your back. He knew the come down from the adrenal rush of scenes could be taxing, especially from rough ones . “You —“

“Ready,” the director interrupted, cutting him short, and immediately pressing record. “So how was it?” the director focused the camera on you first. 

“Oh my god.. mind blowing,” you answered , still out of breath, adjusting your towel. 

“And you?” The director turned the camera to Colson.

“ Absolutely amazing. She was a natural. I’d love to work with her again.”

#colson baker #colson baker fanfic #colson baker smut #colson baker x reader #mgk #mgk fanfic #mgk smut #mgk x reader #machine gun kelly #machine gun kelly fanfic #machine gun kelly smut #machine gun kelly x reader #small hands #aaron thompson

[football-writing]

Trent Alexander Arnold - you deserve the world and more

Warnings: some sexual innuendos, teasing, overall birthday fluffiness

a/n: so i got a request for Trent but i don't actually know him that well? anyway watched some videos, thought his accent was cute and i don't mind the request either way so... here we are :p sorry it took a bit longer, i was quite busy with school unfortunately :(

"HAP-"

"Don't even start Trent, I will break up with you." You sat up against the headboard of your bed, a pointed finger raised toward his figure as he entered your bedroom, although it did nothing to add any significance to the empty threat.

He pouted as you interrupted his attempt at singing happy birthday to you. Granted it was early in the morning and his terrible singing was probably not the best thing to wake up to, he still figured you'd deserve some love on your birthday. Besides, he loved when you'd get all embarrassed at his antics, especially if your cheeks flushed and that shy smile played on your lips. He simply thought you were adorable.

"Please? I made a crazy remix just for you." He pleaded with you, but your glare - albeit playful - told him not to push it.

"Alright well, you'll hear it next year then." He joked as he sat down on the edge of the bed, propping himself up on his elbows before nodding his head at you. "Get dressed, baby, we got a lot to do today."

"Do we, now?" Your tone was teasing, but really you were curious as to what he had planned. It was Trent after all - the boy always planned everything to perfection.

"Didn't think I didn't have anything planned for your birthday, did you?" He raised his eyebrows at you, a smirk playing on his lips.

You only hummed amusedly in response as you got out of bed. It wasn't entirely uncommon for him to sit and wait on your bed while you got ready; he'd been round yours countless of times and knew his way around, being perfectly capable of entertaining himself while you showered and did your hair and make up. It was no surprise that when you were done and walked back into your room, he was sprawled out on your bed, watching summaries of last night's football matches.

Still, his eyes were on you as soon as you walked in in only your underwear. "Dang girl, I thought it was your birthday but this sure is a present for me." He flirted as his eyes wandered over your body. The comment earned him a roll of your eyes as you continued your way to your wardrobe, but the blush that adorned your cheeks gave away the impact that it had on you. Surely, you'd have to be used to it by now, but all his flirty remarks and admiring gazes still made butterfly erupt in your stomach.

"It's nothing too fancy, just wear something you're comfortable in." He said as he noticed you weighing your clothing options.

"How comfortable are we talking here?" You pondered out loud as you ran your hand across some shirts, trying to pick one.

"Well, not sweatpants-comfortable."

You let out a laugh at that. He knew you all too well, and if you could, you'd spend the whole day in your sweats. Instead, you opted for a white turtleneck with a black slip-on dress. It was comfortable yet cute, and matched perfectly with your doc martens. It was coincidentally also one of Trent's favourite outfits of yours.

"Dang! You tryna impress me here?" Trent hollered as soon as he saw the outfit you'd put on, immediately shutting off the tv and walking up to you.

"Depends. Is it working?" You asked as you teasingly smiled up at him, wrapping your arms around his neck.

"Perhaps." He fiddled with the straps of your dress, twisting them beneath his fingers as he avoided making eye contact with you. The blush on his cheeks betrayed him though; you had as much of an effect on him as he did on you, even after dating for so long.

it was evident too, when you drove to wherever he was taking you, his hand firmly on your thigh the whole time.

"Alright, we're here. I know what you're thinking: 'Trent, we're at the park', but it's gonna be fun, I promise." He said as soon as he parked the car.

You only held your hands up in defense as both of you got out, Trent walking over to your side immediately. The piece of cloth in his hands made you look warily at him, which he took quick notice of.

"I just wanna keep this a surprise, okay? I need to get some things from the trunk and I don't want you to see just yet. Please can I put the blindfold on?"

And if it wasn't for his stupid puppy eyes and perfect smile you would've said no. But alas, here we are, as you reluctantly let him blindfold you. You could only peak down and see the toes of your shoes, but the rest was total darkness as you relied on your sense of hearing to know that Trent was rummaging in the back of his car. Then, your sense of touch took over as Trent's hand appeared in yours, guiding you for a small walk before telling you to wait on the spot as you once again heard him rummaging around.

"You know, in any other situation this blindfold might've been fun, but I'd really like to take it off now." You hummed. Patience was never one of your virtues. And although you couldn't see Trent, the sound of his choked out breath at your innuendo made you bite back a cheeky smile.

"It's done, you can take it off."

And you did. Your eyes needed some time to adjust to the bright sun, but once they did, a gasp fell from your mouth. He stood before you with a bouquet of your favourite flowers, a picnic blanket spread out on the grass with various items laid on it. A quick glance made you realise how much thought he put into this: there were chocolate covered strawberries, grapes, some of your favourite snacks and a bottle of wine to share. He even brought a speaker so you could listen to music. The scene in front of you looked like it came straight out of a movie.

"Trent, this- this is just- I mean, wow." You stuttered out.

"Let's just enjoy ourselves, yeah? You wanna start with the strawberries?" He asked with a proud smile on his face, before gently kissing your cheek as you were still completely awestruck.

And so the rest of the day was spent sitting at that little spot in the park. You'd fed each other strawberries, giggling as Trent got chocolate on his chin, eating all your favourite snacks and reminiscing on the past year. The whole time he's just sitting there, admiring you and everything you've achieved this year, telling you time and time again how proud he is of you. It's a day well spent, and as the cold evening breeze picks up, you're moving closer to him, resting your head on his shoulder. His hand comes down on your thigh, then, just beneath the hem of your dress. He'd momentarily slip his pinky finger an inch or so underneath it, rubbing gentle circles on the now exposed skin.

"This has been amazing, Trent. Really, I appreciate it so much. just goes to show I picked the right guy, don't it?" You're giggling as you look up at him, but the confession is as genuine as it gets.

"You deserve it, baby." He whispers as he looks down into your eyes. And it's true. The whole world knows how much you deserve it. All you can do is smile brightly.

"God, I love you so much." You confess in a rushed whisper.

He doesn't even have time to respond that he loves you more before your lips are already on his, kissing him passionately to emphasise the truth in your previous statement. He kisses back with just as much intensity, his hands holding your face as he smiles in the kiss. It doesn't take long before his tongue slips in your mouth, slowly and teasingly, and you can only press yourself further into him as a response to his actions.

As much as he wants to continue, give you exactly what you want, he's awfully aware that you're both still in public. He also has another surprise for you. So he reluctantly breaks the kiss, much to your dismay.

"I- uhh. I actually have something else for you." He admits as he starts going through the basket, taking out a small box.

"Trent, really, this is too much."

"Open it baby." He says as he hands you the box. Your hand reaches up to cover your mouth as you gasp loudly, looking up at him in disbelief as soon as you open it and see what's inside.

"No way. Is this-?" You can't even form a proper sentence.

"Your birthstone and mine, yeah. I heard you talk about how much you liked the idea of them, so I thought this would be really cool. And it would look really good on you."

His confession makes you well up slightly as you roam over the necklace. It's delicate and dainty, the two birthstones sitting right beside each other in a beautiful pendant. It's absolutely mesmerising to look at, and it's the perfect gift to top off a perfect day.

"Do you want me to put it on for you?" He's whispering as he kisses your forehead, and he can feel you nod against his lips.

You turn around so he's got access to your neck. It's convenient because he won't notice the tears that silently fall from your eyes. This would go down as your best birthday ever, and it's all because of him. You couldn't have wished for anything more in life than to be by his side, and you're hoping the rest of your future together will have you feeling this pure happiness, forever. You're having to look up at the sky to stop the tears from overflowing even more.

He's careful as he puts the necklace on, brushing your hair aside, fingertips grazing over the warm skin beneath your ear as he does, rubbing your arms once he's done, signalling for you to turn back around. He kisses your shoulder before resting his chin on it as he realises you're not ready to face him yet, quickly trying to wipe away any stray tears as you try and compose yourself.

"It's okay, you don't have to hide from me baby. You deserve the world and more, you know that." He's smiling gently as he whispers from his position behind you, his arms wrapping around you too as he gently sways you from side to side.

"I'm just- this is just so nice. Everything you've done for me." Your voice is strained, and it sounds like you're holding in a sob at his kind words.

"I love you." He's whipsering as his lips find their way to your shoulder, and your neck, and cheek, peppering them in tender kisses to bring your wonderful smile back on your lips. Your head leans to his, indicating that you're okay again, saying the three words back to him once more. He's letting you go then, just so you can turn around and look him in the eyes again. He's grinning, and the mischievous glint in his eyes makes you look at him skeptically.

"Actually, I have another surprise for you."

"Babe I don't think I can take another surprise."

"You're gonna like this one, though." He's full on smirking now, and you call out his name in warning.

"Yeah, it's gonna take all night long." Your mouth falls open in shock at his vulgar comment, groaning out a quiet 'oh my god' as you slap his chest, while he's full on giggling as he falls back on the blanket.

That one comment is all it takes for you to fall back into your usual joking, teasing routine. And it's all you could ever ask for.

He is all you could ever ask for, and so much more, too.

#trent alexander arnold #trent alexander arnold oneshot #trent alexander arnold fanfic #trent alexander arnold imagine #trent alexander arnold x reader

[nat-20s]

Part 5 of Wonderful! Au. *boyband voice* banter’s back alright!

Also on AO3

~*~

Jon: Hello everyone, and welcome back to our regular format. If my husband being horribly soppy-

Martin:-hey!-

Jon: -turned you off the how, this should be a refreshing return to formula, though I can’t guarantee there won’t be further horrible soppiness-

Martin, performatively under his breath: -most people thought it was charming-

Jon: -as that tends to happen when one is recording with the love of their life. If last week’s episode is the only one that you like, too bad, I’m back in full form, and should be at least through the rest of the season.

Martin: This show doesn’t have seasons? Due to the whole lack of a narrative thing?

Jon: I was referring to spring.

Martin: Oh, right.

[A beat passes.]

Martin, flatly: Oh. Great goof hon.

Jon, smug: Thank you.

Jon, sincere: Also, before we get properly started, I did want to actually thank everyone who sent well wishes.

M artin: Yes! We got positively inundated with lovely messages, it definitely brightened both of our days. I would even say it was wonderful.

[Jon groans.]

Jon: I am..not proud of the energy we’ve created for this episode so far, and we haven’t even hit the small wonders. Speaking of, do you have a small wonder this week?

Martin: Mine’s bad action movies.

Jon: Really? I had no idea you even liked them, let alone consider them wonderful.

Martin: Okay, so, saying I like them is a bit of a misnomer? It’s more that I like what they can do more than the movies themselves?

Jon: Elaborate?

Martin: It probably comes as a surprise to no one that I’ve tried my hand at a fair amount of mindfulness and mediation techniques. I’ve found poetry and journaling have been helpful for actually processing life events and whatnot, but when it comes to giving your brain a hard wipe and reset, nothing is half as quick and effective as a shitty shoot-em-up. Somethings about 2 hours of cartoonish, pg-13 violence held together with the absolute loosest of plots brings me to a state of mental blankness that would make a monk jealous.

Jon: How have I never witnessed you doing this? When are you sneaking off to go see Micheal Tarantino or who ever films?

M artin: That’s definitely not the right name.

Jon: Martin, dear, I don’t care. And you’re dodging the question.

Martin, fond: I’m not dodging anything. Since apparently we’re getting into it, you haven’t caught me cavorting with a movie involving more explosions than character development lately because I haven’t been. Haven’t needed it, in recent years. Turns out when you’re not crushingly lonely and working a literal nightmare of job, there’s less of a drive to try and escape your own thoughts. Shocker, I know. Still, to anyone out there that feels like their brain is on fire, go try watching a fast and furious. Any of ‘em, it doesn’t matter. Or even better, Chronicles of Riddick. I can’t remember a single goddamn detail of that movie, which makes it perfect for what I’m talking about.

Jon: I have the strong feeling that th is is a “mileage may vary” scenario.

Martin: Well, yeah, that’s this whole podcast. Plus, I imagine that movies like this would cause more stress to someone who cares about, say, world-building or rules consistency.

Jon: I wonder who you could possibly be referring to.

Martin: It’s a purely hypothetical person, love, don’t worry about it. Any small wonders?

Jon: Yes! Particularly relevant to the last week, my small wonder is stripping the sheets from your bed when it’s been too long between washes.

Martin: How very specific. M ost people would just say ‘clean sheets’.

Jon: Well, for one, I’m fairly certain that we’ve already covered clean sheets-

Martin: Shit, have we? Thank god other people keep track of this, otherwise this show would be unbearably repetitive.

Jon: Christ, yes. I typically check the website a good three times while prepping, and every about one out of those three times I find I’m trying to do an topic we did 30 episodes again. Anyway, um, it’s just nice, I think. When you’ve been too busy or sick or away for awhile, tossing the sheets in the wash makes a room instantly seem nicer. Of all the chores out there, this one, at least for me, has the highest reward to effort ratio.

Martin: Hard agree. Especially when the y have that slight funk of having been around to long, getting rid of that is such a relief. Speaking of, we need to change our sheets soon.

Jon: We can do it after the episode. Who goes first this week?

Martin: Considering last week was only me talking, I’m gonna say it’s you.

Jon: Alright, then. My first thing this week is Martin K. Blackwood.

Martin: Absolutely not!

Jon: Oh, you can do a whole episode on me, but I can’t do one little segment on my husband, whom I love very dearly?

Martin: Not while I’m sat here, no!

Jon: So you’re saying you don’t want me to tell the internet that your resolve to be kind even in the face of indescribable cruelty is one of the mot breathtaking things I’ve ever witnessed, or how I find it incredibly endearing when you get so emotional that your voice comes out as a squeak, or even that, on a more base level, you’re very physically attractive, and I could lose entire days thinking about your arms alone?

Martin, audibly blushing, voice the aforementioned squeak: Oh my god, Jon!

Jon, laughing: Then it’s probably for the best that my actual first thing is best friends.

Martin, peaking the audio levels: Oh you absolute bastard! Do you enjoy this? Do you get some sort of perverse sense of entertainment from riling me up?

Jon: Oh, don’t you start. As if you’re not as bad as I am. Maybe even worse.

Martin: That’s not…

Jon: Yes?

Martin: Okay. Maybe it’s slightly true. Really, what is romance for if not flustering your partner with compliments?

Jon, teasing: I certainly can’t think of anything.

Martin: Hush, you.

Jon: No, I don’t think I will.

Martin: Fine. I suppose you can tell our delightful audience about the power of friendship or whatever.

Jon: I would’ve assumed more enthusiasm, considering this segment is still, indirectly, about you.

Martin: In what way?

Jon: In the way that, to the shock of all, you’re my best friend.

Martin, pleased: Oh, is that what I am?

Jon, exasperated: Yes, dearest husband, I wouldn’t have married you otherwise. Though, upon reflection, I knew you were my best friend before I knew I held romantic feelings for you.

Martin: When was that?

Jon, letting out a breath that vibrates his lips: God it was...2016? I think it might’ve literally been the day after you told me about your CV.

Martin: That early? Huh. I wonder if that’s what people were picking up when they said they we were close.

Jon: What people?

Martin: I don’t know specifically, that’s just what Daisy told me.

Jon: Daisy? When the hell-?

Martin: It...was when she was interrogating me? And, because sometimes I have to be a parody of myself, pretty much my only take away from that interrogation was “people think me and Jon are close”.

Jon: Well then. It’s not like they were wrong.

Martin, smug: No, no they weren’t.

Martin, sincere: And you’re my best friend, too.

Jon: I was certainly hoping that you’re in this relationship for more than my good looks and incredible fortune, both in the monetary and luck sense.

Martin: You say that as if you aren’t good looking, which we all know is patently untrue.

Jon: You’re biased. You’d say I was good looking if I were nothing more than some primordial ooze with thoughts about its station.

Martin: I’m being completely objective. If you were primordial ooze with thoughts above its station, you’d be the cutest ooze of them all. That’s just scientific fact.

Jon: I’m starting to think we might be insufferable.

Martin: Starting to? Might be?

Jon:…

[Jon clears his throat]

Jon: What I find wonderful about the concept of best friends is, to me, they’re the closest thing real life has to soulmates. I don’t personally believe that there’s some..grand mystic force that drives people to be tied together in the manner that narrative typical soulmates are, and if there was I don’t think it would necessarily be the kind of emotional, heartfelt bond one would hope for, but I do believe that there’s individuals that get to know one another, and because of that knowledge, they chose to stick with one another. It doesn’t have to be a romantic, which is why I say best friend rather than specifically ‘spouse’, but I would argue that the basis of a strong romance like you and I have, is very much rooted in that connection. A true best friendship is an equal partnership, and there’s a sense of..matched sensibilities and understanding that can be utterly incandescent when it happens.

I also think that having one or more best friends makes living life on a day to day basis both better and just flat easier. The dark times aren’t as dark, and the bright times shine even more. I know from my own personal experience there are events that I..that I don’t know how I would’ve made it through without you. Hell, last week my..recovery period would’ve taken much longer if you hadn’t been there.

It’s an amazing thing to have someone to share things with, both triumphs and burdens. Um, also, according to Dictionary.com, the term best friends in English has been around since the 1200s. Something about that delights me, like, yes, we’ve had this casual way of referring to a Favorite Person for roughly 800 years. That makes it a hold-out from early Middle English. I dunno, it’s one of those things that make me feel overall very charmed by humanity.

Martin, audibly smiling: No, yeah, hard agree.

Jon: What’s that look for?

Martin: Nothing. Just. I love you a whole lot, you know that?

Jon, voice soft: I may have heard you say that once or twice. Per hour.

Martin: Only that often? I really need to be more diligent about that.

[There’s a bet of silence, presumably where they’re making doe eyes at each other.]

Jon: What’s your first thing?

Martin: Oh, um, right. Rats!

Jon: The expression or the animal?

Martin: Jon, have you ever once heard me say “rats” as an expression? Obviously I’m referring to the animal.

Jon: Ah. Should’ve known, considering that what, a third?, of all your segments have been on animals.

Martin: Yeah? And? You got a problem with critters? With creatures? With lil guys?

Jon, laughing: No, no, it’s very sweet. I’m just surprised you never became a vet.

Martin: Oh believe me, I wanted to. But then I learned that it was not, in fact, a job composed entirely of getting paid to play with other people’s pets.

Jon: You had that job, though, didn’t you? I thought I remembered you mentioning a month long stint at a doggie day care.

Martin, sighing dreamily: Best job I ever had. Too bad that place was shut down after it was revealed to be a money laundering front.

Jon: Good lord.

Jon: Martin did you...did you know it was a money laundering front at the time?

Martin:

Martin: Would it make you feel better if I said no?

Jon: Martin!

Martin: I figured it out like a week in, but, like, who cares? The pay was decent and the floor was super easy to clean, which is very much a plus for even a front of a doggie day care.

Jon: That’s...rather a lot. How about instead of getting into that any further, you tell me about rodents.

Martin: I would love to. But first, we have a shoutout!

Jon: Ooo, a shoutout. Does it specify who should read?

Martin: Let me check. It...does...not…..

...

Jon: Martin?

[A beat.]

Martin: Right! Sorry, um. This week’s shoutout is from Tim, to Danny. It says, “Danny! My favorite person who shares genetic material with me! I wanted to say thank you for your podcast obsession from 4 months ago, and specifically for telling me about these marrieds. They’ve gotten me through many a dull hour at the publishing house. Also, with this shoutout, I’ve officially gotten ahead on the Superior [Last Name Redacted] Brother scoreboard, so suck it. Love you lots, and looking forward to your visit next month, Tim.”

Jon: Oh.

Jon: Um. That’s very..sweet? I think? Mostly?

Martin: Yeah, I’d say so. Uh. We have to take a quick break because, uh, someone is..at our front door! Be back with you all in, from your side of things, just a moment.

#wonderful! au #jonmartin #jon sims #martin blackwood #>:3 #shoutouts are their versions of jumbotrons btw