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kat-of-seventy-seven-roses · 23 days

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Homestuck Mythical Creature au / Cryptid Au

Very tempted to make an ask blop :p need to see if anyones inch rested

thought processes under the cut (bc some choices are wild)

Johns a pooka, an irish fae trickster who shapeshifts into animals. his favorite form is the bunny. john and jane are both fae, so their pranks range from harmless to mentally scaring to life altering. absolute chaos grimlins. dirk is also an irish myth, so he knows them well and is often trying to get them to not ruin the local population of humans. so they do pranks on him insted. john loves to steal dirks head and hide it places.

rose speaks to the eldritch horrors and is slowly becoming one herself. she wants to become a litch.

Dave is a harpy! a very chill one who doesn't tend to sing with his full chest, so people dont start crashing into his doorstep. dave dies in some magic accident that caused davesprite to rise up from the ashes. but dave harpy is ALSO fine no ones really sure how. may have been roses doing.

Jade is a werewolf obv. but shes also a witch and has formed a coven with rose and roxy.

Jane is ur avrage fae faerie/sprite. her favorite fae rule to get people to break is "dont eat their food."

Roxy is both a cat who is also a wizard i need not elaborate

Dirk is a headless horseman. not to be confused with THE headless horse man. thats another dullhan with a well paying halloween gig. dirk is often subject to losing his head, so he made a magic pumpkin to pilot the body when this happens. he does have a very large and scary but beautiful horse.

Jake is the bigfoot. and one of the most well hunted (and well travled) cryptids. thus, his friends often make jokes of not ever seeing him except in blurry images. its not his fault hes very large and loves to travel! and is also not very photogenic...

Aradia is a monthra!!! however she made a deal with a devil and became a ghost... not sure WHY yet or why it kills her. but it does. its all in her plan or smth, but that doesnt stop sollux from being very upset that hes the one that has to take and keep her soul. she is reserected later by the coven, still soulless but it doesnt matter bc her soul is in good hands and thus she still feels it. shes much happier now.

Tavros is a minotar self explanatory he is a small minotar, tho. a mini minotar if u will.

Sollux is ur run of the mill soul for potato chip demon. an excuse to give him twin tails and horns. him an kitkat gave me the most trouble! but then i went with a solkat devil angel motifi and im kinda attached t9 it now. even if its sorta a cop out. i simply couldnt find twin creatures that werent gods or children of gods. nor any crab creatures...

Karkat is an angel. he WAS human notably he was human for awhile even good friends with kanaya before he died. he never found love but helped so many with theres that he became an angel that was a lot like cupid. thus he was a small angel incharge of match making and also likened to a baby and hes very much NOT happy about this. it pisses him off, solluxs often gives him a hard time. about it. (extra angst is that kitkats also really fucked up about never knowing what love felt like but having to give it to others. and he has it in his head that that means he never will know, bc no ones matchmaking the matchmaker. but theres a song he hears everyonece anwhile by a stray harpy that makes him feel a lot lighter.)

Nepeta is my go to cat creature a nekomata. a two tailed cat yokai.

Kanaya is a vampire. obviously.

Terezi is a dragon! still blind! still licks. but can now transform and has wings, very scary. shes basiclly just her lusus lmao.

Vriska is a spider lady. i have arachne here bc its similar, but shes not arachne the myth proper. shes just a spider with the top part of a woman at the head. A Jorogumo a spider lady yokai and is basically actually what im picturing.

Equius is a centar and fuck if i ever have to draw him....

Gamzee is a clowwwn, just a clown, just a silly lil guy. What do you MEAN clowns arnt mythical creatures??? what do u mean u saw him under ur bed when you were a child? u must be mistaken. as a nod to ICPs boogieman. when gamzee is not high as a kite and is just a clown, he is one of the most terrifying and unkillable creatures known to children kind.

Eridan is a selkie. basiclly a mermaid but part seal. personally, I'd like to make him part seahorse. but not in the hippocampus way. i chose this bc he can shapeshift, thus he pretends to be a high elf sorcerer, yes he does get dunked on about this.

And finally, Feferi is a siren! who happens to be able to become very VERY **VERY** BIG. she doesnt lure people to drown them but she DOES love to keep live captives in cages :)

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nintendont2502 · 28 days

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just saw ur caste dating discourse post and realized meulin would've been lambasted by all of those groups for getting w the 2 highest landdwelling castes. kankri would write her callout post. feferi would've been accused of coercing sollux to be w her etc etc

girl would be in the TRENCHES fighting off the waves of terminally online freaks kankri keeps sending her way,, someone save her

genuinely i dont think a single beta troll wouldve made it through the discourse unscathed LMAO

aradia? well clearly shes only with sollux because he could easily kill her w/ his psiionics (god help them if the grumblr mob ever finds out that he *did* technically do that one time)

tavros is held up as like the posterchild for why lowbloods and highbloods shouldnt be in quadrants even though he and vriska were uh. never in a quad together. does he try *telling* anyone that? probably not!

sollux? psiionics. threatening aradia into a quad. (also tbh getting into a quad with someone when youre a goldblood is lowkey problematic because what are they supposed to do after you're sent offplanet and helmed? its honestly really manipulative holding someones quad hostage only to leave them forever which is why all golds should take a vow of celibacy-) hes only making it worse by being an absolute dick to everyone involved and escalating shit so far that theres multiple attempts on his life and everyones *convinced* hes a serial manipulating asshole because lmao why would he tell those idiots theyre wrong

karkat? you mean that hemoanon freak thats probably just a highblood trying to pass himself off as a lower caste so he can manipulate lowbloods into his quads?

nepeta and equius would be torn APART - not only is he three castes higher than her, but hes also far physically stronger so clearly shes the weak defenseless victim here (they keep saying this even after she culls someone for it. nep im so sorry)

kanaya shouldnt even *be* in a quad since shes a jade and theyre meant to be sequestered (similar argument to golds where actually its really cruel and manipulative to be in a quad with someone when you know you two are going to be forced to be apart for sweeps - no they dont care that she left the caverns. she still shouldnt be doing that shit its a bad example for other jades smh)

terezis honestly the most divided because her relationships are either her and karkat (potential highblood, terezi might be victim *or* karkat is a lowblood and shes the one with power over him) or her and vriska (no one wants to know whats going on there). although tbh she is a lawyer which means she can get her quads tried and killed for whatever bullshit crime she can come up with if they try to leave :/ never date a cop lawyer folks

vriska. mind control. do i need to say more. every vriska relationship is toxic and awful and she wouldve been cancelled 50 times over if the ringleaders of her callout posts didnt mysteriously 'deactivate'

equius. too strong to date - how can you be in a quad with someone that not only has a shit ton of social power over you, but also could literally tear you apart if he wanted to. also lowkey problematic for making and fighting/kissing (??? its unclear online and no one wants to know) robots :/ like those are clearly stand ins for lowbloods that hes attacking/potentially fetishising and they literally have to do everything he says thats fucked up

gamzee. highblood. automatic oppressor. part of a niche religion - if you try to quad him you either have to convert (cultural (caste?) appropriation) or dont become part of the clurch (rude, disrespecting his beliefs). constant discourse about whether clowns can even consent to a quad because theyre presumably high all the time as part of their religious practices. constant discourse about how assuming clowns are high all the time as part of their religious practices is casteist as fuck.

eridan. somehow one of the least problematic trolls out of the group (which is saying a fucking LOT). only has quads with someone a caste higher than him (although that caste is fuschia. is he the victim here??). pursues lowbloods constantly though which is problematic as fuck (at least he doesnt kill them if they turn him down. the bar is on the fucking floor)

feferi. god forbid a woman do anything. pale with eridan? sure hes only a caste lower than her but also shes the literal fucking heiress - what was he gonna do, say no? he cant even hide in the ocean from her!! shes a seadweller too!! flushed with sollux? holy shit hes like 8 castes lower than her of fucking course he had to say yes! shes probably only dating him so she can helm him later anyway :/ really its problematic as shit for her to even have friendships with trolls of other castes because shes just using them without giving them the benefits of being in a quad (shes the literal heiress of course shes going to get whatever she wants from them) - but also if she stayed distant and didnt talk to anyone then shed be accused of being full of herself and thinking she was better than anyone else and #NotMyHeiress

#me.txt #homestuck

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mcbeetlebeeb · 10 months

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OOOOkaay time to dump homestuck garbage on here cause although only my friends look at my barely active page, I can't ever garble my stupid gobbles out to my friends in actual person so here I am

anyways have some? domestic?? relationship? crap? headcannons 🤷

🫐John Eg fart bert☁️

typw of mfker to be out in public and just rest his head on your shoulder, causally getting groceries? in supermarket? head on shoulder. making fuckin pancake? head on shoulder. literally standing doing nothing? head on shoulder

even if he's shorter, he will do it,

don't doubt him

I think he'd have god awful pick up lines but not, like, offensive or crude, just plain stupif bad- some garbage like

"I'd bring you too the movies but they don't let you bring your own snacks :("

like sneaky almost, some would genuinely be so thought out it'd just smear right over your smooth brain

fuckin- breath pick up lines, always-

"I hope you know CPR! you just took my breath away!"

whata fuckin dork

but he takes pride in that and if your interested in him you automatically become a dork yourself

you can't not get looped in with his garbage movie taste and stupid shenanigans

silly pranks with him

he'd pull pranks on you, matter fact if your his partner he'd probably pull pranks on you the most

genuinely sucha simp-

not clingy simp or overbearing simp just, yknow, can't help but go on and on about his significant other if ever brought up in a situation, probably brings them up just to do that

I think hed show physical affection in soft, gentle ways? nervous.™

like im talking hesitantly moving to hold your hand, or doing that stupid move of yawning and placing your arm around the other person and bringing then closer

holding you by the sides of your arms, gently trailing down to hold your hands

so soft for you, an even bigger dork when its just yall, absolute bafoon, a fool for you I'd even say

he 100000% babbles about you to his friends, and your friends, and you- lmao, his whole friend group will and can not escape his wrath of adoring you

absolutely talking Jade and Rose's ear off about you cause Dave can't take another moment of it-

will tell you how amazing and cute and this and that you are

no hesitation

I think hed be more than comfortable with pda, holding hands?

yes.

face smooches?

absolutely.

picking you up like a damn bag of flour over his shoulder?

indeed.

🪅Gamzee Makara🧫 (gamgee maraca)

gonna be honest with you? probably a bit stinky

and not in like a swamp ass way like, he just distinctly smells like face paint and whatever who's guess at sopor slime smells like if it even has a smell-

mfker looms over you

he doesn't get like half of the words you say into his brain a lot of the time unless you specify its importance

he's trying his best

but regardless of not actually listening to your words, he loves listening to you talk, just speaking, he could stare at your face all day

like- in an unblinking manner but still lovingly

speaking of your face, that's what he'd mostly end up hugging, he's already hunched over a shit load so when he hugs you he just hugs your whole dome to his chest

probably garbles some silliness to you in a drunk/high like state, just holding you impossibly close to him and mumbling some junk like

"YoU..yOu GoT a NiCe..A nIcE fAcE..aNdD..sMeLl GoOd,,..WaRm"

I like to think the higher up on the hemospectrum(?) idk that trolls gradually get like more cold-blooded? if that makes sense?

okay like the higher it goes up the more the troll has a tough time gaining and keeping warm

he'd love warm stuff, like some big cat he'd just flop on it and purr away

you get clown makeup on your face each time he gives you a smooch, I don't make the rules

honestly would sniff you, and like, not subtly like straight "SNIIIFFFF"

can seamlessly re-create the actually honk squeek sound, but yknow, saying honk is much easier

and god forbid he finds you sitting or relaxing

all up in your biz, not like, verbally but he's already waddled over and rested his head on your lap or wrapping his arms around your waist and tugging you closer

I think hed be really mushy gushy over physical affection, not like embarrassed but he just enjoys it greatly and will do anything for you to play with his hair more

tbh a bit scary ngl, like, has that uh, union effect from Steven Universe, just sorta appears sometimes, there, observing,

he'd try and get you to eat sopor slime, he wouldnt force you but he'd definitely like, lean in with a tin of it and try and convince you, but he's not shoving it down ur gullet

probably great at taking snuggle naps, like he could most likely just drape all his limbs over you like some limp cat and just peacefully snooze away

also that whole shit of trolls having nightmares if not all snuggled up in sopor slime?

I love to believe it's canceled out by another person snuggling with them,

and that person is you of course,

you can't leave his presence without like a visable mark somewhere on you that you where around him

wether that be clown make up or sopor slime smeared somewhere on you

or you wearing his shirt, or his incredibly long pants

he's also a dork

I think hed enjoy how squishy humans are in general

he'd hold and love every part of you with a lopsided smile

hugging his arms around your hips as he leaves sloppy kisses against your tummy, smudging clown makeup on you

aahugh sleepiness is kicking in but I don't care I must persist because I'm. GAY.

Dave Strider (who names their child this)

breaking news! he's also a major dork

but in secret?

and an even bigger dork when its just yall

type of mfker to just pour his heart out to you in a way that makes you blank in the brain and then go "haha sorry that was weird" or "my bad that was probably cringe"

so unbelievably soft for you behind door, cannot do pda- for the life of him-

"hey, uh I made us a playli-" "YES."

listening to music with you at any given chance, likes sharing music genres and songs

if you dont make mention of him not smiling or laughing often around others he'll just let himself slip like that yknow?

like he'll giggle and laugh at more things, stupid, silly things,

comfortable with you to say the least

CAPE BLANKET, CAPE BLANKET, CAPE BLANKE-

like mentioned above- if you got the chance to snuggle up close to him he'd drape his silly cape over yall both,

mostly you but 🤷

probably had a god damn coronary trying to figure his feelings out

talking with Rose or John like

"I dunno the fucks wrong with me, my heart hurts and my gut feels likes its in knots like im gonna barf?- "

"you like them dave‐ you like _____."

"....i—.....whuh??-"

stammering and studdering round you like he has a speech impediment, has words in his head but just cannot execute them at all-

not with you around

it legit don't matter to him, he will call you bro, dawg, dude, homie, homeslice? home dawg?

probably would use these in an endearing way tho, just "dude?...bro?" in a loving way

"you have a smoochable face dude"

"...fruity.."

"fuck you-"

very hesitant on touching, not that he minds, he just will mentally perish if he ever made you feel weird

he'd definitely be the mfker to when cuddling with him to just to nestle and nuzzle the top of his head into the crook of your neck

mentioning cuddling- like whilst asleep, he'll still have a part of him touching you, wether it's his foot against your calf or his entire leg draped over you

#gay people #dave strider #gamzee makara #homestuck #x reader #john egbert #headcanon #dave strider x reader #john egbert x reader #Gamzee Makara x reader #fruity

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ceabu · 1 year

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day 1 of @pale-gamkar-week - PROSPIT !

#pale gamkar week 2023 #karkat vantas #gamzee makara #pale gamkar #gamkar #gamkat #homestuck #NOW I SLEEP LMAO ITS ALMOST 4AM !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA !!!!!!! DFOIUHSDGH

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birchbow · 6 months

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Hello! Love how you write and your world building. The expansion on how drone season is handled is all very interesting! I was wondering how trolls outside of the main pov characters would handle "needing" two partners. We see Gamzee and Karkat both shacked up with only one person because they are exempt. I remember Rishet setting Verato up with a second person. Then she mentioned he may have himself covered spades wise. That made me assume maybe Bastil was his partner for that. So I was wondering how that worked. Are the set of 3 (or 5?? If its safer to all have two partners) all in the same room or do they just stick close enough that they can hop over real quick to the other incase they feel a drone coming again? Seems like traversing any ground at a time like that would be dangerous.

Thank you in advance good luck with life things!

I had a paragraph at one point that I had to cut because I couldn't find a good place to digress even further from the main drama--something about how trolls are normally very space-conscious and standoffish but a combination of "cognitive brain knows it's fuck or die time" and "animal brain is hopped up on drone pheromones and everything is simple and quiet right now" makes even the most cantankerous assholes a whole lot more willing to hunker down in big clades in the biggest rooms they can find, hoard and stockpile food and water, and obediently wait for the drones to show up.

I would imagine rooms end up filling up with chains of like--my matesprit has a kismesis who has a matesprit who has a kismesis who has etc etc--sometimes stringing out to pretty great lengths, ideally until the two ends can connect on a quadrant or at least vacillate convincingly with somebody. Public decency not being a concern when it's Fuck Or Die time, I wouldn't be surprised if a lot of bigger blocks that are usually for things like training or education get colonized by basically very strung out long-form orgies lmao.

#ask time!#the very nitty-gritty logistical details are still kind of foggy for me haha.#But if you have a solid circle of concupiscient quadrants and everybody is accounted for #the best and safest way is to just keep as many people as you need in whatever size of room fits them lol

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understandableparadox · 12 days

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homestuck power scaleing is simple.

Aradia is essentially dio brando with more training on their stands ability.

tavros can be as strong as he wants to be but must train to get their. a page has limitless potential but starts off as a baby back bitch, tavros now is below baby back bitch standereds

sollux should be considered as strong as eridan in any situation, it does not matter, eridan and sollux are always on the exact same level.

karkat only defeats someone if its funny and or pathetic, but can never lose because the narrative will bend over backwards to have someone who can save him save him at that moment.

nepeta is just wolverine without the healing factor.

kanaya is on the same level as chainsaw man. if you think she isnt, or if you think thats a werid comparision, look into your heart and really think about it.

terezi is just daredevil.

vriska should be considered a gastalt ( a charecter that can go beyond level 20) dnd charecters with levels in divination wizard, swashbuckler rouge, wild magic sorcery and some sort of bard. the trick is, she is not trying to use the bard levels towards you, but the narrative itself for screen time.

equius should not be fought, if only because you should be his friend.

gamzee wins any fight where its funny, loses any fight where its funny, survives as long as its funny. the only exception is when the author decides they dont like gamzee.

eridan should be considered as strong as sollux in any situation. it does not matter,sollux and eridan are always on the exact same level.

feferi is just a eldritch god lmao, why the fuck are you trying to fight her?

#homestuck

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starsnores · 3 months

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I like the idea of gamzee turning karkat into a puppet with his chuckle voodoos. They'll be on the meteor and gamzee will have karkat dangling from strings. Karkat is almost inanimate and gamzee is too unexperienced to turn off his voodoos so he tries to make karkat act as much like his old self as he can while also basically taking care of a coma patient. Meanwhile the others are desperately hunting them down

mmmm nice. and because gamzee is puppeting him he's not really himself even though gamzee tries. A karkat gamzee wished he was more like. is karkat really comatose or can he see or feel what's happening, like he's trapped in himself. that's something to think about too.

i like a version of this, with gamzee controlling karkat through chucklevoodoos, but its... hornier and worse lmao.

#asks #i can see gamzee lashing out with his voodoos and then realizing he doesn't know how to take it back.

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pesterloglog · 3 months

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Roxy Lalonde, Jade Harley, Calliope, Aradia Megido, Sollux Captor, Karkat Vantas, John Egbert, Gamzee Makara, Dave Strider, Rose Lalonde, Kanaya Maryam, Jane Crocker, Jake English

Candy, page 21

ROXY: thx everyone for joining us today

ROXY: we are gathered here to honor the memory of alternate universe jade

ROXY: alas we hardly knew her

ROXY: by which i mean we didnt know her at all

ROXY: cuz she fell out of the sky like a week ago and was already dead

ROXY: but i think that based on our long acquaintanceship with alive jade we can safely assume that she was totally rad

JADE: (ugh)

ROXY: so were all here to contemplate the vast cruelness of the universe that such radness was plucked in its prime

ROXY: psst callie the roses

CALLIOPE: oh, of coUrse!

CALLIOPE: pUrple roses traditionally represent love at first sight, however these roses are actUally red roses that we prepared Using a blUe dye.

CALLIOPE: the blUe rose is the most elUsive and mysterioUs of all flowers.

CALLIOPE: the combination of red and blUe in this context is meant to evoke the dUal natUre of death, in that there is nothing more mysterioUs and impossible to comprehend than the vast void of the afterlife, bUt also there is nothing that makes Us appreciate the life and and love that we already have than the mystery of death.

CALLIOPE: while death is terrifying, there is always joy to be foUnd among the sorrow. each time we witness death, we fall in love with the important people in oUr lives all over again.

ROXY: woah callie thats a beautiful metaphor

CALLIOPE: aw, thank yoU roxy. u_u

ROXY: dont sound so humble it is v v deep

CALLIOPE: i jUst can’t take credit for external inspiration.

ROXY: lmao cmon callie youre the literal muse

CALLIOPE: yes, bUt yoU’re...

ARADIA: oh no did we miss the entire corpse party

ARADIA: i hope not

SOLLUX: yes that w0uld be *such* a tragedy.

ARADIA: oh shush you

ARADIA: the tragedy is what i dont want to miss!

KARKAT: ARADIA?

KARKAT: HOLY SHIT... SOLLUX?!

SOLLUX: hey l0ser. it’s been a l0ng time.

KARKAT: IT’S BEEN A...

KARKAT: IT’S BEEN A “LONG TIME”?!

KARKAT: IS THAT ALL YOU HAVE TO SAY TO ME?! IT’S BEEN MORE THAN A FUCKING HUMAN DECADE!

KARKAT: I THOUGHT YOU GUYS WERE DEAD.

ARADIA: no i wasnt dead

KARKAT: NO, I MEAN LIKE

KARKAT: “GONE FOREVER”??

KARKAT: I THOUGHT THAT YOU TWO LITERALLY DIDN’T EXIST ANYMORE!

KARKAT: OR AT THE VERY LEAST WERE TRAPPED IN A DEAD UNIVERSE PERPETUALLY COLLAPSING INTO ITS OWN ASSHOLE.

SOLLUX: 0h. n0pe.

KARKAT: FINE!

KARKAT: WALTZ IN HERE WITH NO EXPLANATION WHATSOEVER. SOUNDS ABOUT FUCKING RIGHT.

KARKAT: IT’S NOT LIKE YOUR SUDDEN AND UNEXPLAINED PRESENCE IS ANY LESS OF A JOKE THAN THIS “FUNERAL” WE’RE HAVING.

KARKAT: I MEAN, WHY STOP AT SOLLUX AND ARADIA?

KARKAT: MAYBE FUCKING NEPETA IS ABOUT TO POUNCE FROM BEHIND THAT GROTESQUE STATUE OF THE HUMAN SUFFERER T-POSING OVER THERE.

KARKAT: NEPETA, ARE YOU THERE? COME ON OUT! THE CORPSE PARTY WOULDN’T BE THE SAME WITHOUT YOU!

ROXY: SHOOSH everyone!

ROXY: there will be a reception with cake n candy after the service

ROXY: u all can have ur poignant reunions then

ROXY: before we unite in tearful togetherness we gotta unite in tearful loss

JOHN: wait... there’s more?

JOHN: i thought that nice speech callie made was, like...

JOHN: pretty much the funeral.

ROXY: lol no

ROXY: callie and i were just gettin started

JADE: oh my god...

ROXY: anyway where was i?

CALLIOPE: how the infinite mystery of death makes Us appreciate the love we have!

ROXY: right

ARADIA: so i see you managed to get out of the fridge

GAMZEE: i DiDn’T jUsT gEt OuT oF tHe FrIdGe, I wAs SeT fReE sIsTeR!

ARADIA: i see

GAMZEE: wHeN tHe DoOr Of ThAt FrIdGe pOpPeD oPeN iT wAs LikE i Be AlL sEeIn ThE lIgHt AnD sHiT.

SOLLUX: well yeah

SOLLUX: that’s what happens when s0me0ne 0pens a d00r t0 a t0tally dark encl0sure.

SOLLUX: fuck, i can’t believe y0u’re still this stupid.

SOLLUX: 0h wait i can.

GAMZEE: nO bRoThEr, It’S a MoThErFuCkIn MeTaPhOr.

GAMZEE: A mEtApHoR fOr ThE mIrAcLe Of rEdEmPtIoN!

ARADIA: redemption

GAMZEE: yEaH cHeCk It ThE fUcK oUt.

GAMZEE: i DiD My MoThErFuCkInG rEdEmPtIoN aRc. :o)

ARADIA: is that so

GAMZEE: i BeEn DoInG aLl KiNdS oF gOoD dEeDs At ThE lOsT mOtHeRfUcKeRs.

GAMZEE: pReAcHiNg ThE hOlY wOrD. mAkInG oUt WiTh OrPhAns.

ARADIA: oh hmm

SOLLUX: isn’t it “kissing 0rphans”?

ARADIA: let him talk sollux

GAMZEE: i EvEn GoT a HeAlThY mUtUaLlY fUlLfIlLiNg kIsMeSiS gOiN oN wItH tHaT fOxY hUmAn BrOaD uP fRoNt.

ARADIA: its so nice that you believe all that gamzee

ARADIA: i think i can honestly say

ARADIA: im reasonably happy for you?

ROXY: omg quiet in the back already!

ROXY: were tryin to have a beautiful and solemn proceeding up here

ARADIA: oh im sorry

ARADIA: i do agree that its a beautiful corpse party

ARADIA: but i think it would be even MORE beautiful if we could you know

ARADIA: actually see the corpse?

KARKAT: OH MY GOD ARADIA, WHY ARE YOU STILL LIKE THIS?

ROXY: oh lol ur right i cant believe that slipped my mind

ROXY: hey jake a lil help?

ROXY: im like hella pregnant here and shouldnt be doing any heavy lifting

JADE: ughhh...

DAVE: yo babe its ok

JADE: easy for you to say! youve got practice with this kind of thing!

DAVE: just remember its not actually your corpse

DAVE: i mean technically it is

DAVE: it both is and isnt your corpse at the same time

DAVE: which yeah the longer you think about it like that the more fucked up it gets

DAVE: but also when you objectively think about it the combined multiverse is a huge tangle of interrelated but totally random events and its only chance that this specific life is the one you ended up living

DAVE: you and that corpse could have just as easily switched places

DAVE: but also that would never actually happen because its not how paradox space works

DAVE: anyway my point is that nothing really matters so chill out

JADE: um, i love you with all my heart dave but youre REALLY not helping right now

ARADIA: now this is more like it

JADE: i cant look...

DAVE: oh

DAVE: here

JADE: uhh... what... are you doing??

DAVE: emotional support yo

ROSE: Dave.

DAVE: what

DAVE: id like to see you do better

KANAYA: Me Too Actually

ROSE: I’m sorry, but I’m not the one whose questionable consolation tactics are on trial here.

CALLIOPE: this isn’t a trial! it’s a fUneral!

JOHN: haha, they’ve got a point rose, you gotta admit.

ROSE: A point about what?

JOHN: um...

JOHN: you’re not great at consolation? just saying.

KANAYA: Oh You Dont Know The Half Of It

ROSE: Excuse all of you, but I’m an excellent advice giver.

JADE: umm nobody said anything about advice giving rose...

JOHN: oh yeah, the advice is top notch.

JOHN: but you’re kind of a weird person to like... cry in front of?

JOHN: no offense.

ROSE: What??

JOHN: the first time i ever got upset in front of rose irl, she put her arms around me and it was so awkward that i had to ask her if she was hugging me or reaching for something on the shelf behind me.

CALLIOPE: everyone, we’re getting rather off track...

ROSE: I was doing both for your information.

DAVE: the first time rose hugged me it was such a disaster we didnt make eye contact for like a week after

KANAYA: Jade Come Here I Shall Hold You In My Arms

JADE: thank you kanaya at least ONE of you knows how to treat a lady in distress!

JANE: Agreed. I’ve always felt that Kanaya has done an exemplary job of providing a model for compassionate, empathetic behavior, which others of her kind would do well to follow.

KARKAT: WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU JUST SAY?

JANE: I’m sorry, Mr. Vantas. Do you have another unsolicited political opinion you’d like to share with everyone?

KARKAT: CONSIDERING THE SHIT GEYSER THAT JUST SHOT OUT OF YOUR IGNORANCE CANNON, I’D SAY MY OPINION IS PRETTY FUCKING SOLICITED RIGHT ABOUT NOW.

CALLIOPE: EVERYONE!

CALLIOPE: be qUiet!!!!!

CALLIOPE: please. roxy gathered yoU all here for a reason.

CALLIOPE: at least listen Until the end.

CALLIOPE: after that yoU can argUe all you want.

ROXY: look everyone im not dumb ok even tho i act like it sometimes

ROXY: i know whats goin on here

ROXY: that were all drifting apart

ROXY: and i know thats just a normal part of growing up and making new families

ROXY: and i guess learning that some people have unbridgeable divides on political stuff

ROXY: i can accept that things arent gonna always be the same as when we first met

ROXY: specially with dirk gone

ROXY: damn...

ROXY: even though its been more than a year i still feel it like he died yesterday

ROXY: what callie said earlier about death being mysterious and full of love is true

ROXY: i dont know if i ever would have gotten up the courage to marry john if dirk hadnt died

ROXY: sometimes i think about what it would have been like if he was still here

ROXY: i think we can all agree that if dirk didnt kill himself there would be some big differences in the lives of people here in this room

ROXY: i cant say if theyd be good or bad

ROXY: maybe when it comes to this kind of thing... like

ROXY: infinite probability and multiple universes and shit

ROXY: good and bad dont matter

ROXY: theres no better or worse just different

ROXY: even with dead jade here whos to say that the world she came from was actually worse than ours?

ROXY: she probably died a heroic death doin something incredible

ROXY: we probably only have the great lives we do right now because of her sacrifice

ROXY: the universal odds of us all being alive and healthy and together like this are so infinitesimally low that its literally impossible for us to understand with our limited linear consciousness

ROXY: isnt that amazing??

ROXY: so even if this is the last time were all ever in the same room like this

ROXY: i think its just incredible we could be here in the first place

ROXY: out of a sempiternal number of possibilities we are the only incarnation of this exact specific moment in all of existence

ROXY: i think that we should all look around and be super grateful for what we

ROXY: wh... what we

ROXY: wh... wha...

ROXY: whoah fuck

CALLIOPE: roxy? are yoU okay?

ROXY: of course im not ok i just WENT INTO FREAKING LABOR

JOHN: oh my god!

JOHN: it’s happening, oh my god!!

JOHN: ...

JOHN: oh my GOD!!!

ROXY: omg john are you just gonna keep shouting oh my god or are you GONNA HELP YOUR WIFEY OUT

JOHN: OH MY GOD!!!!!

JOHN: doing ok there, sweetheart?

ROXY: ugh whyd i let you put this thing inside me

JOHN: don’t worry roxy! we’ll get it out as soon as we can!

JOHN: er, by “it,” i mean our child.

JOHN: we probably shouldn’t be talking about him in dehumanizing terms before he’s even born, huh?

JOHN: seems like kind of a bad omen?

ROXY: omg.......... john SHUT UP

ROXY: i need like six gallons of demerol STAT

ROXY: lets GOOO

JOHN: right! going!

CALLIOPE: wait! i...

CALLIOPE: i woUld like to be there as well!

JOHN: hurry up then!

JADE: AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

JAKE: By jove!

DAVE: jesus fuck

CALLIOPE: jade! yoU...

CALLIOPE: yoU’re alive!

CALLIOPE: or, Um,

CALLIOPE: yoU’re not dead!

JADE: i am not jade.

CALLIOPE: then who...

CALLIOPE: who are yoU?

JADE: you know who i am, calliope.

JADE: we met once, years ago.

JADE: you were dead, and so was i.

KANAYA: This Certainly Is A Turn Of Events

ARADIA: ill say

ARADIA: at first i was underwhelmed with the proceedings i have to admit

ARADIA: but that was quite the twist

ARADIA: this may be one of the best death related celebrations ive ever seen :)

SOLLUX: t0p five at least.

JADE: you’re undoubtedly surprised.

JADE: but these events were not unpredictable at all.

JADE: this is exactly what i have been expecting to happen.

JADE: and while i cannot say the same thing for the rest of you,

JADE: i, at least, am exactly where i am meant to be.

JAKE: Hey uh.

JAKE: Not to come off as a total idiot here but...

JAKE: Who were you supposed to be again?

JADE: my name is calliope.

JADE: i am the muse of space.

JADE: and i have entered this body to protect your world.

#homestuck #homestuck epilogues #roxy lalonde #jade harley #calliope #aradia medigo #sollux captor #karkat vantas #john egbert #gamzee makara #dave strider #rose lalonde #kanaya maryam #jane crocker #jake english #candy epilogue #page 21

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